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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Well, I want to tell you today that I get where you are. I've been there. I've been where you are, and I know that you're frustrated, and again, I know that it seems unfair, but I want to give you some tips today that are going to hopefully encourage you and give you some strength to keep going. Hey, hey, friends, it's Dana Shay and welcome to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. I love the conversation that you are about to listen to. This episode is an oldie book goodie I call these sweet repeats, And this conversation is really a question that I get asked a lot, and it's Dana, what if I'm the only one working on my marriage? What if I'm the only one putting in the effort? And that is a very frustrating place to be in. I've been there. Maybe you're there. Maybe that's why you clicked on today's podcast episode. This is a short podcast, but mighty so there is a lot that I pack into this, like nine minute Q and a session, and I know that you're going to glean a lot of value from it. So with that being said, let's go ahead and jump into what if I am the only one working on my marriage. So today we have a question that I think all of us can probably relate to at some point or another. Have you ever felt like you are the only one putting in the work, or maybe you're putting in a significantly more amount of work than your spouse is. That can feel very unjust, It can feel unfair, and most of us get tired of doing that. So today's listener has this challenge and he writes in and says, Hey, Dana, I've been a long time listener of your podcast, and I try to implement everything I hear you say. I like that you give it to a straight I've been married seven long years long. It's been really hard, especially because I feel like I'm the only one truly doing the work to restore our marriage. I admit I was unfaithful in the beginning, and though my wife says that she forgave me, she doesn't do anything to help us move forward. I'm not blaming her. I know it takes time for trust to return. I guess I just need some encouragement because I'm the only one working on my marriage. Have you been blindsided by infidelity or maybe you're the one who messed up, and now you don't know how to rebuild the trust that's been shattered. Listen, healing is possible, but it won't happen by accident. That's why I created the Infidelity Intensive, a step by step online course designed to help couples move from devastation to restoration. You'll learn how to process the pain, reclaim what was lost, rebuild trust, and reconnect in a way that lasts. I've been where you are. Don't let shame or uncertainty keep you stuck. Take the next step toward restoration at Danashay dot com for it, slash Infidelity Intensive. That's da na che dot com slash Infidelity Intensive. Because healing is possible and your marriage is worth it. I want to tell you today that I get where you are. I've been there. I've been where you are, and I know that you're frustrated and again, I know that it seems unfair. But I want to give you some tips today that are going to hopefully encourage you and give you some strength to keep going. First of all, I want to applaud you for doing the work that it takes to rebuild trust. This is not easy. Rebuilding trust is not easy, and restoring a marriage is not easy. A lot of people choose not to do the work, and they just say it didn't work out, let's move on, and let's hope for the best with the next relationship. But you're not doing that. And so I'm going to give you just today four tips. And I really believe if you take these to heart, and if you implement them like you have a habit of doing with all the other episodes, I believe that you're going to see some change in your marriage. The first thing that I want to encourage you to do is this is something I teach a lot of my clients. It's change your step in the dance. Let's imagine that you're doing the tango with your wife. You guys have been doing the tango, right, You've been tangoing it along for two or three years. Now, all of a sudden, you decide, I don't want to do the tango anymore. I want to do the waltz. So, as you know, that requires a change of step. When you change your step in the dance, your wife has to change her step in the dance if she wants to continue to dance with you. So what does this look like practically. Let's say, for example, your wife used to blame you, and you used to defend yourself. So she would throw out a blame or an accusation, you would defend. That was y'all's dance. That was what you were conditioned to do. Once you stop defending yourself, though, your wife is going to have to choose another way to express her hurt, to express her disappointment, to try to communicate with you. If you just continue to defend yourself, she's going to continue to blame because that is what works. Now, when I say works, I don't mean that you're having great conversations and your communication as stellar. I mean that that's what she's used to. That's what you're used to. That is how you all work. Change your step. So I want you to think about, what is something that I can do to change the way I am relating to my wife? Maybe she needs to hear you affirm her more. And once she starts to hear you affirm her more, she will respond to you in a different way. So I want you to think about that. What are some ways that you need to change your stuff in the dance. The second thing that I want to encourage you to do is to be patient. I already said this before, but I want to reiterate this. Trust takes time to be rebuilt, a long time, so stay consistent. Consistency is the secret formula to rebuilding trust. A lot of people start doing something and they're like, I've been doing this for three weeks and my spouse doesn't trust me. It's going to take a little longer than three weeks. It's going to take some time, so stay consistent. When she sees you consistently putting in the work, she'll be likely to join you in the work if her trust has already been broken and she's like, yeah, I see him over there, I see making some little changes. But what is she waiting for. She's waiting to see if you're going to stick with it. She's waiting to see if it's worth her time, effort, and energy to actually join you in that dance again. So be patient with her. Just understand that this takes time. And I'm talking to those of you who maybe you're not dealing with infidelity, maybe there's something else going on in your marriage and you're wondering, how much longer do I have to keep putting in the work As long as it takes. Be patient. Every thing I want to tell you is you got to play the long game, man, like this is not tit for tat. It's not a contest to see who's loving who the best. In the Bible, we read that God is long suffering. That's not a word that we use a lot. We don't like to talk about it, to be honest, because we don't like the word long, nor do we like the word suffering. But that is who God is to us. He suffers long. That means he waits, he's patient, He's not in a hurry. You won't have to stay here forever. But focus on what you want, not on what you see. When you are playing the long game, you understand that this is a marathon. This is not a sprint. We are on a long road trip from Virginia to California. So settle in. And then finally, I want to encourage you to fix your focus. What we focus on becomes larger. I say this so often, and Starman's I've preach on this podcast to my friends. What you focus on gets larger if you keep focusing on the problem, or if you keep focusing on I'm doing all this stuff but my wife's not doing it, and that's all that you focus on. That's what's going to be really large in your mind. But fix your focus. Second, Corinthians five seven tells us that we walk by faith and not by sight. The problem is most of us actually walk by sight and not faith. We look at what's happening around us or what's not happening around us, and so because we haven't fixed our focus on the one who never changes, we're all over the place. So where do you need to realign your focus? What have you been focusing on that? You need to take your eyes off of that and put your eyes on the Lord. Do what you know to be right, and then leave the rest of the Lord. Often tell my kids, do your best and let God handle the rest. That's all you can do is your best. You can't make your wife join you in this dance. You can't make your wife retrust you, you can't make her see that you're genuine. But what you can do is consistently model change before her. What you can do is fix your focus, play the long game, be patient, and then, like I said, change your step. So that's a lot to pack into an eight nine minute podcast, but I know for sure that if you take my advice, your marriage might not change overnight, but your perspective will. So thanks so much for writing in that question. If you will have any questions about your marriage, your relationship, your kids that you want me to answer on the show, you can send those questions into Danashay dot com or slash contact, or if you're following me over on Instagram, you can send your question into at missus Dana Shay. That's Mrs d A N A c che. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you all have an incredible week. I'll see you on the next episode. Take care,