1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:07,240 Speaker 1: Life Audio. Well, I want to tell you today that 2 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,399 Speaker 1: I get where you are. I've been there. I've been 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,840 Speaker 1: where you are, and I know that you're frustrated, and again, 4 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,439 Speaker 1: I know that it seems unfair, but I want to 5 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,520 Speaker 1: give you some tips today that are going to hopefully 6 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:27,320 Speaker 1: encourage you and give you some strength to keep going. Hey, hey, friends, 7 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:30,560 Speaker 1: it's Dana Shay and welcome to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. 8 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:34,680 Speaker 1: I love the conversation that you are about to listen to. 9 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,200 Speaker 1: This episode is an oldie book goodie I call these 10 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:42,320 Speaker 1: sweet repeats, And this conversation is really a question that 11 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: I get asked a lot, and it's Dana, what if 12 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: I'm the only one working on my marriage? What if 13 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,280 Speaker 1: I'm the only one putting in the effort? And that 14 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,360 Speaker 1: is a very frustrating place to be in. I've been there. 15 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: Maybe you're there. Maybe that's why you clicked on today's 16 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: podcast episode. This is a short podcast, but mighty so 17 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: there is a lot that I pack into this, like 18 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:06,319 Speaker 1: nine minute Q and a session, and I know that 19 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,320 Speaker 1: you're going to glean a lot of value from it. 20 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,240 Speaker 1: So with that being said, let's go ahead and jump 21 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,880 Speaker 1: into what if I am the only one working on 22 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: my marriage. So today we have a question that I 23 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: think all of us can probably relate to at some 24 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 1: point or another. Have you ever felt like you are 25 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: the only one putting in the work, or maybe you're 26 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 1: putting in a significantly more amount of work than your 27 00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:38,320 Speaker 1: spouse is. That can feel very unjust, It can feel unfair, 28 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,640 Speaker 1: and most of us get tired of doing that. So 29 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: today's listener has this challenge and he writes in and says, Hey, Dana, 30 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: I've been a long time listener of your podcast, and 31 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,360 Speaker 1: I try to implement everything I hear you say. I 32 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 1: like that you give it to a straight I've been 33 00:01:55,040 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 1: married seven long years long. It's been really hard, especially 34 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm the only one truly doing 35 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: the work to restore our marriage. I admit I was 36 00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: unfaithful in the beginning, and though my wife says that 37 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: she forgave me, she doesn't do anything to help us 38 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,200 Speaker 1: move forward. I'm not blaming her. I know it takes 39 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,359 Speaker 1: time for trust to return. I guess I just need 40 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: some encouragement because I'm the only one working on my marriage. 41 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: Have you been blindsided by infidelity or maybe you're the 42 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,799 Speaker 1: one who messed up, and now you don't know how 43 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:38,520 Speaker 1: to rebuild the trust that's been shattered. Listen, healing is possible, 44 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 1: but it won't happen by accident. That's why I created 45 00:02:42,639 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 1: the Infidelity Intensive, a step by step online course designed 46 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:51,399 Speaker 1: to help couples move from devastation to restoration. You'll learn 47 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 1: how to process the pain, reclaim what was lost, rebuild trust, 48 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:59,440 Speaker 1: and reconnect in a way that lasts. I've been where 49 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: you are. Don't let shame or uncertainty keep you stuck. 50 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 1: Take the next step toward restoration at Danashay dot com 51 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:13,720 Speaker 1: for it, slash Infidelity Intensive. That's da na che dot 52 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:19,799 Speaker 1: com slash Infidelity Intensive. Because healing is possible and your 53 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:23,799 Speaker 1: marriage is worth it. I want to tell you today 54 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,160 Speaker 1: that I get where you are. I've been there. I've 55 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,280 Speaker 1: been where you are, and I know that you're frustrated 56 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: and again, I know that it seems unfair. But I 57 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: want to give you some tips today that are going 58 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: to hopefully encourage you and give you some strength to 59 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 1: keep going. First of all, I want to applaud you 60 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: for doing the work that it takes to rebuild trust. 61 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,760 Speaker 1: This is not easy. Rebuilding trust is not easy, and 62 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 1: restoring a marriage is not easy. A lot of people 63 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,839 Speaker 1: choose not to do the work, and they just say 64 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 1: it didn't work out, let's move on, and let's hope 65 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,880 Speaker 1: for the best with the next relationship. But you're not 66 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,280 Speaker 1: doing that. And so I'm going to give you just 67 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: today four tips. And I really believe if you take 68 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: these to heart, and if you implement them like you 69 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 1: have a habit of doing with all the other episodes, 70 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 1: I believe that you're going to see some change in 71 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: your marriage. The first thing that I want to encourage 72 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: you to do is this is something I teach a 73 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: lot of my clients. It's change your step in the dance. 74 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: Let's imagine that you're doing the tango with your wife. 75 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,680 Speaker 1: You guys have been doing the tango, right, You've been 76 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: tangoing it along for two or three years. Now, all 77 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,359 Speaker 1: of a sudden, you decide, I don't want to do 78 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 1: the tango anymore. I want to do the waltz. So, 79 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 1: as you know, that requires a change of step. When 80 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:39,720 Speaker 1: you change your step in the dance, your wife has 81 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: to change her step in the dance if she wants 82 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,359 Speaker 1: to continue to dance with you. So what does this 83 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,280 Speaker 1: look like practically. Let's say, for example, your wife used 84 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: to blame you, and you used to defend yourself. So 85 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,240 Speaker 1: she would throw out a blame or an accusation, you 86 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: would defend. That was y'all's dance. That was what you 87 00:04:55,279 --> 00:04:59,839 Speaker 1: were conditioned to do. Once you stop defending yourself, though, 88 00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:03,400 Speaker 1: your wife is going to have to choose another way 89 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 1: to express her hurt, to express her disappointment, to try 90 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: to communicate with you. If you just continue to defend yourself, 91 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 1: she's going to continue to blame because that is what works. Now, 92 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,960 Speaker 1: when I say works, I don't mean that you're having 93 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,960 Speaker 1: great conversations and your communication as stellar. I mean that 94 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,520 Speaker 1: that's what she's used to. That's what you're used to. 95 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,200 Speaker 1: That is how you all work. Change your step. So 96 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,160 Speaker 1: I want you to think about, what is something that 97 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: I can do to change the way I am relating 98 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 1: to my wife? Maybe she needs to hear you affirm 99 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: her more. And once she starts to hear you affirm 100 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,400 Speaker 1: her more, she will respond to you in a different way. 101 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 1: So I want you to think about that. What are 102 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: some ways that you need to change your stuff in 103 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,000 Speaker 1: the dance. The second thing that I want to encourage 104 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,680 Speaker 1: you to do is to be patient. I already said 105 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: this before, but I want to reiterate this. Trust takes 106 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:05,880 Speaker 1: time to be rebuilt, a long time, so stay consistent. 107 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:11,280 Speaker 1: Consistency is the secret formula to rebuilding trust. A lot 108 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,640 Speaker 1: of people start doing something and they're like, I've been 109 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: doing this for three weeks and my spouse doesn't trust me. 110 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 1: It's going to take a little longer than three weeks. 111 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:22,039 Speaker 1: It's going to take some time, so stay consistent. When 112 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:25,919 Speaker 1: she sees you consistently putting in the work, she'll be 113 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: likely to join you in the work if her trust 114 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 1: has already been broken and she's like, yeah, I see 115 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,760 Speaker 1: him over there, I see making some little changes. But 116 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,000 Speaker 1: what is she waiting for. She's waiting to see if 117 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: you're going to stick with it. She's waiting to see 118 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,920 Speaker 1: if it's worth her time, effort, and energy to actually 119 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,400 Speaker 1: join you in that dance again. So be patient with her. 120 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,440 Speaker 1: Just understand that this takes time. And I'm talking to 121 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 1: those of you who maybe you're not dealing with infidelity, 122 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 1: maybe there's something else going on in your marriage and 123 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,040 Speaker 1: you're wondering, how much longer do I have to keep 124 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,479 Speaker 1: putting in the work As long as it takes. Be patient. 125 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: Every thing I want to tell you is you got 126 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,039 Speaker 1: to play the long game, man, like this is not 127 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,440 Speaker 1: tit for tat. It's not a contest to see who's 128 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: loving who the best. In the Bible, we read that 129 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,920 Speaker 1: God is long suffering. That's not a word that we 130 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 1: use a lot. We don't like to talk about it, 131 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: to be honest, because we don't like the word long, 132 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,320 Speaker 1: nor do we like the word suffering. But that is 133 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 1: who God is to us. He suffers long. That means 134 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:28,840 Speaker 1: he waits, he's patient, He's not in a hurry. You 135 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:33,960 Speaker 1: won't have to stay here forever. But focus on what 136 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 1: you want, not on what you see. When you are 137 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: playing the long game, you understand that this is a marathon. 138 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: This is not a sprint. We are on a long 139 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: road trip from Virginia to California. So settle in. And 140 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 1: then finally, I want to encourage you to fix your focus. 141 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:58,840 Speaker 1: What we focus on becomes larger. I say this so often, 142 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: and Starman's I've preach on this podcast to my friends. 143 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: What you focus on gets larger if you keep focusing 144 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: on the problem, or if you keep focusing on I'm 145 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: doing all this stuff but my wife's not doing it, 146 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,520 Speaker 1: and that's all that you focus on. That's what's going 147 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: to be really large in your mind. But fix your focus. Second, 148 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 1: Corinthians five seven tells us that we walk by faith 149 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: and not by sight. The problem is most of us 150 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 1: actually walk by sight and not faith. We look at 151 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,000 Speaker 1: what's happening around us or what's not happening around us, 152 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: and so because we haven't fixed our focus on the 153 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 1: one who never changes, we're all over the place. So 154 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:40,680 Speaker 1: where do you need to realign your focus? What have 155 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,520 Speaker 1: you been focusing on that? You need to take your 156 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,400 Speaker 1: eyes off of that and put your eyes on the Lord. 157 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 1: Do what you know to be right, and then leave 158 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,080 Speaker 1: the rest of the Lord. Often tell my kids, do 159 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: your best and let God handle the rest. That's all 160 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,439 Speaker 1: you can do is your best. You can't make your 161 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 1: wife join you in this dance. You can't make your 162 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:04,560 Speaker 1: wife retrust you, you can't make her see that you're genuine. 163 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:09,000 Speaker 1: But what you can do is consistently model change before her. 164 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,960 Speaker 1: What you can do is fix your focus, play the 165 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:15,280 Speaker 1: long game, be patient, and then, like I said, change 166 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:20,199 Speaker 1: your step. So that's a lot to pack into an 167 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 1: eight nine minute podcast, but I know for sure that 168 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: if you take my advice, your marriage might not change overnight, 169 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: but your perspective will. So thanks so much for writing 170 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: in that question. If you will have any questions about 171 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: your marriage, your relationship, your kids that you want me 172 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 1: to answer on the show, you can send those questions 173 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:45,320 Speaker 1: into Danashay dot com or slash contact, or if you're 174 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: following me over on Instagram, you can send your question 175 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:52,440 Speaker 1: into at missus Dana Shay. That's Mrs d A N 176 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 1: A c che. Thanks so much for listening. I hope 177 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: you all have an incredible week. I'll see you on 178 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,360 Speaker 1: the next episode. Take care,