1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,916 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:34,476 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is the Happy Home. 5 00:00:38,236 --> 00:00:38,436 Speaker 2: Well. 6 00:00:38,476 --> 00:00:40,916 Speaker 1: I am so excited. We have a man in the Arena, 7 00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:43,436 Speaker 1: my friends, a man on the podcast. He is the 8 00:00:43,516 --> 00:00:46,355 Speaker 1: founder of Men in the Arena, which is also the 9 00:00:46,436 --> 00:00:49,796 Speaker 1: name of his podcast and ministry. This is author and 10 00:00:49,915 --> 00:00:54,516 Speaker 1: speaker Jim Ramos, and he equips men to be leaders 11 00:00:54,796 --> 00:00:58,596 Speaker 1: in the home, church and community. His new book is Guardrails, 12 00:00:58,636 --> 00:01:01,956 Speaker 1: Ten Boundaries for an Unbreakable Marriage. My friend Ron Deal 13 00:01:02,036 --> 00:01:04,435 Speaker 1: has endorsed this book. Jim. It is so good to 14 00:01:04,476 --> 00:01:06,516 Speaker 1: have you on the podcast, Arlene. 15 00:01:06,516 --> 00:01:08,596 Speaker 2: It's a joy to be on. I'm humbled and just 16 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,235 Speaker 2: excited to get to know you and your ministry. And 17 00:01:11,356 --> 00:01:13,716 Speaker 2: Ron has become a great friend and he's got a 18 00:01:13,715 --> 00:01:17,356 Speaker 2: great thing going on. So if Ron recommends you, man, 19 00:01:17,356 --> 00:01:18,435 Speaker 2: you're in. Do you know what I mean? 20 00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,836 Speaker 1: That's how that's how it works, right, It's like, okay, 21 00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,435 Speaker 1: we have these common friends. It's like, oh, this must 22 00:01:24,435 --> 00:01:27,075 Speaker 1: be a good message. This is going to be great. Yeah, Okay, 23 00:01:27,196 --> 00:01:29,356 Speaker 1: when you're talking about marriage. You're not like, oh, yeah, 24 00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:31,675 Speaker 1: I've been married, you know, two years, or I've been 25 00:01:31,715 --> 00:01:34,715 Speaker 1: married to three different people. You have been married to 26 00:01:34,836 --> 00:01:38,756 Speaker 1: your wife for more almost forty years. I want to 27 00:01:38,795 --> 00:01:41,795 Speaker 1: hear just this pivotal moment of what caused this book 28 00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:45,396 Speaker 1: Guardrails to come out of your time and your marriage. 29 00:01:45,875 --> 00:01:49,116 Speaker 2: So my wife and I so, yeah, somehow it comes up. 30 00:01:49,156 --> 00:01:52,996 Speaker 2: We've been married thirty four years. Okay, so meritt ministry 31 00:01:53,036 --> 00:01:56,396 Speaker 2: almost forty minute marriage thirty four and my wife is 32 00:01:56,436 --> 00:02:02,555 Speaker 2: a beautiful, dynamic, adventurous, smart, low maintenance person. I would 33 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,876 Speaker 2: like to call myself a low maintenance man, although Shanna 34 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:08,396 Speaker 2: says sometimes I can be a lot and we just 35 00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:12,196 Speaker 2: come together. We're so similar in our personalities. We have 36 00:02:12,316 --> 00:02:16,275 Speaker 2: been headbutting for years. We've got a very high maintenance 37 00:02:16,316 --> 00:02:19,995 Speaker 2: marriage and bringing our both we both bring a non 38 00:02:20,076 --> 00:02:24,356 Speaker 2: Christian sexual past into our marriage. We were both sexually 39 00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:27,196 Speaker 2: pure before marriage, never had sex with each other, never 40 00:02:27,236 --> 00:02:30,916 Speaker 2: lived together. But we realized that hey, with with boundary. 41 00:02:31,076 --> 00:02:35,556 Speaker 2: We needed boundaries in ministry because I interact as a 42 00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:38,156 Speaker 2: youth pastor, I had kids in and out all the time, 43 00:02:38,196 --> 00:02:41,196 Speaker 2: at female staff, all the time, being in church ministry 44 00:02:41,516 --> 00:02:43,676 Speaker 2: so we just knew that we needed to set some 45 00:02:43,835 --> 00:02:47,276 Speaker 2: boundaries in place, and we did that early early on 46 00:02:47,316 --> 00:02:51,516 Speaker 2: in our marriage, just real obvious, real simple things. Because 47 00:02:51,716 --> 00:02:54,115 Speaker 2: one of the things that we realized as we watched 48 00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:58,636 Speaker 2: couples that we thought were better than us dissolve, we 49 00:02:58,716 --> 00:03:02,196 Speaker 2: realized that they didn't need a professional counseling, that they 50 00:03:02,236 --> 00:03:06,276 Speaker 2: didn't need a psychological help, they didn't need medications. They 51 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:10,796 Speaker 2: were just doing things that were stupid that were causing 52 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:14,115 Speaker 2: them to be tough. It's an old John Wayne quote. 53 00:03:14,196 --> 00:03:16,076 Speaker 2: If you're going to be stupid, you better be tough. 54 00:03:16,436 --> 00:03:18,115 Speaker 2: And we just didn't want to have to be that, 55 00:03:18,476 --> 00:03:20,476 Speaker 2: and we didn't want to have to navigate through the 56 00:03:20,476 --> 00:03:24,476 Speaker 2: disaster of hurting the body of Christ because of our witness, 57 00:03:24,796 --> 00:03:28,876 Speaker 2: of damaging children, of ruining our witness in my position, 58 00:03:28,996 --> 00:03:32,396 Speaker 2: losing my career. We just and we were decided early on, 59 00:03:32,476 --> 00:03:34,756 Speaker 2: we need to have some boundaries in place. We call 60 00:03:34,836 --> 00:03:38,116 Speaker 2: them guard rails to guide our marriage. We've been doing 61 00:03:38,156 --> 00:03:41,196 Speaker 2: that for the last thirty four years. 62 00:03:41,516 --> 00:03:44,116 Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes so much sense. You have in the book, 63 00:03:44,156 --> 00:03:46,996 Speaker 1: you quote the the you know, the Forrest Gump, Stupid 64 00:03:47,076 --> 00:03:50,076 Speaker 1: is and stupid does, Yes, exactly kind of loved and 65 00:03:50,596 --> 00:03:52,476 Speaker 1: I love it. I know, I know in our current 66 00:03:52,556 --> 00:03:55,516 Speaker 1: cultural moment, people, Oh they are using the word stupid. 67 00:03:55,676 --> 00:03:58,116 Speaker 1: Yes we are. We are you taking the word stupid? 68 00:03:58,356 --> 00:04:01,236 Speaker 1: You quote this quote I love. Contrary to what pop 69 00:04:01,316 --> 00:04:06,236 Speaker 1: psychology preaches, marriages are not destroyed by a parental wound, 70 00:04:06,756 --> 00:04:11,436 Speaker 1: unresolved anger, a sinful past or toxic past relationships. They 71 00:04:11,476 --> 00:04:17,396 Speaker 1: are decimated by unwise decisions compounded over time, the rotten 72 00:04:17,516 --> 00:04:21,635 Speaker 1: fruit of stupidity. So really, what you guys did was 73 00:04:21,676 --> 00:04:24,236 Speaker 1: you looked ahead and you thought, we don't want to 74 00:04:24,276 --> 00:04:27,076 Speaker 1: make a stupid mistake. So let's put these guardrails, these 75 00:04:27,116 --> 00:04:30,436 Speaker 1: boundaries in place. I want to go kind of you 76 00:04:30,596 --> 00:04:32,996 Speaker 1: alluded to it being a youth pastor that you have to, 77 00:04:33,236 --> 00:04:35,556 Speaker 1: you know, talk to girls, and you have to have 78 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:39,315 Speaker 1: female staff members. So other people are listening. Maybe they're doctors, 79 00:04:39,356 --> 00:04:44,116 Speaker 1: they're counselors, their teachers, their job involves being with someone 80 00:04:44,156 --> 00:04:47,556 Speaker 1: of the opposite sex. How just talk us through that 81 00:04:47,636 --> 00:04:50,876 Speaker 1: a little bit more like, how can we professionally have 82 00:04:50,996 --> 00:04:52,116 Speaker 1: that line of separation? 83 00:04:52,796 --> 00:04:55,436 Speaker 2: Yeah. I actually interviewed a dear friend of mine who 84 00:04:55,476 --> 00:04:58,916 Speaker 2: is a professional counselor, and I asked him the same 85 00:04:58,996 --> 00:05:02,716 Speaker 2: question because you know, people push back obviously, and he said, 86 00:05:02,716 --> 00:05:06,436 Speaker 2: it's simple. I have guidelines that I offer to my 87 00:05:07,156 --> 00:05:10,836 Speaker 2: clients before we ever start, professional guidelines that I abide 88 00:05:10,836 --> 00:05:13,195 Speaker 2: by night here too, and then when I do meet 89 00:05:13,195 --> 00:05:15,916 Speaker 2: with women, I always have the door open, even though 90 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:19,556 Speaker 2: it's counseling, and I have the window blinds open even 91 00:05:19,596 --> 00:05:23,356 Speaker 2: though it's counseling. And I just say, if I do 92 00:05:23,396 --> 00:05:26,156 Speaker 2: this for my own personal value system, and if you're 93 00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,276 Speaker 2: not okay with this, then maybe I'm not your guy. 94 00:05:28,755 --> 00:05:31,595 Speaker 2: And so that's what he does as a professional paid 95 00:05:31,676 --> 00:05:34,755 Speaker 2: counselor what I do, and what I've done for thirty, 96 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,876 Speaker 2: you know, gosh, thirty for years, years, decades is I 97 00:05:38,956 --> 00:05:42,676 Speaker 2: will meet with a female one time, if a female 98 00:05:42,755 --> 00:05:44,236 Speaker 2: when I was a youth pastor hey I need to 99 00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:46,276 Speaker 2: talk to you a parent or something, I will do 100 00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:49,596 Speaker 2: with them one time, door open, windows open, and then 101 00:05:49,636 --> 00:05:51,755 Speaker 2: that's it. Now I'm gift. I'm blessed because I'm a 102 00:05:51,755 --> 00:05:54,156 Speaker 2: horrible counselor. So people don't want to see me more 103 00:05:54,195 --> 00:05:57,196 Speaker 2: than once anyway. But we're good. They're like, we're good. 104 00:05:57,276 --> 00:05:59,396 Speaker 2: But I have but on my staff here, we have 105 00:05:59,436 --> 00:06:02,195 Speaker 2: a team of ten people, and seven of them are women, 106 00:06:02,676 --> 00:06:05,315 Speaker 2: and I enter and they all have the love language 107 00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:09,156 Speaker 2: of words of affirmation, and so I have to be 108 00:06:09,195 --> 00:06:11,635 Speaker 2: really careful. I have to meet with them as staff. 109 00:06:12,276 --> 00:06:17,036 Speaker 2: They're all remote, but it doesn't matter. Affairs happen that way, 110 00:06:17,396 --> 00:06:21,195 Speaker 2: so we keep it business own. When I talked to them, 111 00:06:21,236 --> 00:06:25,436 Speaker 2: I talked to them about their job and their workplace environment. 112 00:06:25,516 --> 00:06:28,116 Speaker 2: I do not coach them on life or their marriage. 113 00:06:28,716 --> 00:06:30,716 Speaker 2: I'll tell you an example. It just happened ten minutes ago. 114 00:06:31,195 --> 00:06:34,195 Speaker 2: So we've got this great podcast right now and we're 115 00:06:34,236 --> 00:06:37,436 Speaker 2: beginning to change it into an in studio podcast. So 116 00:06:37,436 --> 00:06:39,716 Speaker 2: when guests come in, so if you were to come 117 00:06:39,755 --> 00:06:41,836 Speaker 2: on to my show, this would be fun, this would 118 00:06:41,836 --> 00:06:43,436 Speaker 2: be interesting for you as a woman. So you come 119 00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,156 Speaker 2: on to my show as a woman. Where now we 120 00:06:45,236 --> 00:06:48,116 Speaker 2: now give gifts to our guests. We have our homemade 121 00:06:48,195 --> 00:06:51,876 Speaker 2: family seasoning, we've got beef jerky, we've got coffee, and 122 00:06:51,916 --> 00:06:55,036 Speaker 2: we just had we just had a local knife company 123 00:06:55,596 --> 00:06:58,636 Speaker 2: gave us a knife for every single guest, and so 124 00:06:59,476 --> 00:07:02,116 Speaker 2: this is so exciting. We even have a tree that 125 00:07:02,156 --> 00:07:04,796 Speaker 2: a company's given us, a tree to give the every guest. 126 00:07:04,876 --> 00:07:07,796 Speaker 2: So when you come up, So when she she called 127 00:07:07,796 --> 00:07:11,916 Speaker 2: me this morning, emailed me and said we got Kershaw knives. Okay, 128 00:07:11,956 --> 00:07:14,796 Speaker 2: So now I called her and I affirmed what she 129 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:18,876 Speaker 2: did that's so awesome rock and roll. Yeah, rock, let's 130 00:07:18,956 --> 00:07:22,396 Speaker 2: let go. I didn't say, oh, you're the best person 131 00:07:22,436 --> 00:07:25,756 Speaker 2: on my team. I appreciate you so much, You're so great. 132 00:07:26,236 --> 00:07:29,836 Speaker 2: I always use the words we us an hour in complimenting, 133 00:07:30,236 --> 00:07:32,116 Speaker 2: and when I compliment a woman, I do it so 134 00:07:32,156 --> 00:07:35,516 Speaker 2: that it would elicit an emotional response towards their performance 135 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:39,916 Speaker 2: and not towards me. So there are certain so in 136 00:07:39,916 --> 00:07:43,036 Speaker 2: an accounting situation, I do the same thing when I 137 00:07:43,076 --> 00:07:46,796 Speaker 2: speak with them. It's all about you know that situation, 138 00:07:46,876 --> 00:07:48,996 Speaker 2: and I don't I don't draw attention back to me. 139 00:07:49,116 --> 00:07:51,156 Speaker 2: I don't want them to project ever back on me 140 00:07:51,876 --> 00:07:54,076 Speaker 2: because we don't know what people are bringing to the table. 141 00:07:54,116 --> 00:07:56,876 Speaker 2: And the only person on the planet who deserves my 142 00:07:56,956 --> 00:07:59,236 Speaker 2: emotional capacity is the one I've been married to for 143 00:07:59,276 --> 00:08:00,076 Speaker 2: thirty four years. 144 00:08:00,596 --> 00:08:02,676 Speaker 1: What would it sound like if it did bring it 145 00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,356 Speaker 1: back to you? What would that sound like. Let's so 146 00:08:04,436 --> 00:08:05,996 Speaker 1: let's say they got this although you did such a 147 00:08:05,996 --> 00:08:08,676 Speaker 1: great job at work. What would it might sound like. 148 00:08:08,916 --> 00:08:11,396 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great question. So if a woman were 149 00:08:11,476 --> 00:08:14,996 Speaker 2: to give me a compliment. You are the best you are. 150 00:08:15,196 --> 00:08:17,916 Speaker 2: You are so amazed at what you do. You've changed 151 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:21,276 Speaker 2: so many marriages. I just admire you so much. I 152 00:08:21,316 --> 00:08:24,236 Speaker 2: would weave Shanna into the compliment. Man. You know, my 153 00:08:24,316 --> 00:08:26,756 Speaker 2: wife says the same thing. You know, my wife, You know, 154 00:08:26,796 --> 00:08:30,076 Speaker 2: I just weave Shanna in and whatever I can. And 155 00:08:30,316 --> 00:08:33,036 Speaker 2: it's to receive, I say, it's I call it receive. 156 00:08:33,836 --> 00:08:37,956 Speaker 2: I receive your compliment, and I weave Shanna in. I 157 00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:40,396 Speaker 2: don't ever want to open a door. In fact, Shanna, 158 00:08:40,516 --> 00:08:43,116 Speaker 2: my bride, is a fight attendant and she had somebody 159 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,196 Speaker 2: make a comment to her about, oh, your eyes really 160 00:08:46,236 --> 00:08:49,636 Speaker 2: look pretty in your flight of to intendant dress. So 161 00:08:49,756 --> 00:08:53,556 Speaker 2: that's a pickup line. And my wife simply said thank you. 162 00:08:53,636 --> 00:08:54,956 Speaker 2: My husband says the same. 163 00:08:54,756 --> 00:08:58,276 Speaker 1: Thing, right, and that's over. 164 00:08:58,796 --> 00:09:01,196 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's over. It's a non starter. So I think 165 00:09:01,316 --> 00:09:04,956 Speaker 2: it's creating this non starter. Yeah, we have found as 166 00:09:04,996 --> 00:09:08,396 Speaker 2: it just these things, these things start with a seemingly 167 00:09:08,556 --> 00:09:15,316 Speaker 2: innocuous statement or a phrase, or a comment or a gift, 168 00:09:15,876 --> 00:09:18,156 Speaker 2: and they just continue. Like I said in the quote 169 00:09:18,156 --> 00:09:22,476 Speaker 2: that you so beautifully read, they compound over time. Yeah, 170 00:09:22,516 --> 00:09:23,716 Speaker 2: they don't just stay there. 171 00:09:25,036 --> 00:09:28,316 Speaker 1: So this is like a It's almost like a hypervigilance. 172 00:09:28,436 --> 00:09:31,396 Speaker 1: Like someone might say like, oh, Jim, like please, can 173 00:09:31,436 --> 00:09:34,276 Speaker 1: you not just say thank you? Like this seems hyper vigilant. 174 00:09:34,316 --> 00:09:35,116 Speaker 1: What would you say to that? 175 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:38,556 Speaker 2: I would just say, first of all, I'm not a misogynist. 176 00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:41,676 Speaker 2: I'm not a chauvinist. I'm not objectifying women. I would 177 00:09:41,716 --> 00:09:45,876 Speaker 2: just say I know what I'm capable of, and I'm 178 00:09:45,956 --> 00:09:49,436 Speaker 2: afraid of that man, and I've had to protect myself 179 00:09:49,476 --> 00:09:52,116 Speaker 2: against that man. And then I also know who I've 180 00:09:52,116 --> 00:09:55,396 Speaker 2: made a covenant with my bride, and I also know 181 00:09:55,436 --> 00:09:57,436 Speaker 2: that I don't know who this woman is over here, 182 00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:01,516 Speaker 2: but the Bible says that she calls out, and I 183 00:10:01,556 --> 00:10:03,836 Speaker 2: want to be careful whenever a woman calls out to 184 00:10:03,916 --> 00:10:06,156 Speaker 2: me that that is not my wife. I need to 185 00:10:06,156 --> 00:10:08,956 Speaker 2: be careful that that is a biblical warning for me. 186 00:10:09,036 --> 00:10:11,756 Speaker 2: And it's not diminishing against this woman. It's not saying 187 00:10:11,796 --> 00:10:15,436 Speaker 2: this woman is evil or nefarious. It's just simply saying, listen, 188 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,716 Speaker 2: we just want to have a life of a series 189 00:10:17,756 --> 00:10:21,516 Speaker 2: of non starters that the women I interact with are 190 00:10:21,596 --> 00:10:23,196 Speaker 2: lee and the men that you interact with know that 191 00:10:23,276 --> 00:10:26,236 Speaker 2: you are off the market, you know, Maverick tompkun. He 192 00:10:26,396 --> 00:10:28,676 Speaker 2: is off the market, you know, and they just know 193 00:10:28,756 --> 00:10:30,236 Speaker 2: that you're off the market. 194 00:10:30,556 --> 00:10:36,036 Speaker 1: Yeah. One of your guardrails, it's number nine, is for gifts, 195 00:10:36,356 --> 00:10:40,356 Speaker 1: send it from us. Never give a gift or card 196 00:10:40,436 --> 00:10:44,276 Speaker 1: to another woman that is only only from you. Yes, 197 00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:47,836 Speaker 1: And I read that in your book and it literally 198 00:10:47,876 --> 00:10:50,716 Speaker 1: helped me because I do have a gift for like 199 00:10:50,756 --> 00:10:53,396 Speaker 1: a ministry person, but I really and I did have 200 00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:56,196 Speaker 1: like a feeling of awkwardness, like because the person's a man. 201 00:10:56,716 --> 00:10:58,916 Speaker 1: But I thought like this, you know, you see something 202 00:10:58,956 --> 00:11:00,756 Speaker 1: You're like, oh, this would be like perfect for you. 203 00:11:00,836 --> 00:11:02,956 Speaker 1: And it was on clearance, so I was like, I'm 204 00:11:02,956 --> 00:11:04,636 Speaker 1: going to pick this up and it kind of goes 205 00:11:04,676 --> 00:11:07,636 Speaker 1: with anyway. But it made me realize I need to 206 00:11:07,676 --> 00:11:11,196 Speaker 1: make this gift from the Pelican family. And that really 207 00:11:11,236 --> 00:11:14,316 Speaker 1: helped me because I was kind of thinking, like this weird, 208 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:16,676 Speaker 1: like maybe this is weird, and I thought, oh, but 209 00:11:16,756 --> 00:11:19,716 Speaker 1: if I make it from our family, is not weird. 210 00:11:19,956 --> 00:11:22,196 Speaker 1: So to talk a little bit about that why the 211 00:11:22,236 --> 00:11:23,636 Speaker 1: gift should be from not just you. 212 00:11:24,036 --> 00:11:27,996 Speaker 2: These are very simple things, Arlene, but they are profound. Okay, 213 00:11:27,716 --> 00:11:31,156 Speaker 2: So the chapter chapter nine, I just preached a sermon 214 00:11:31,196 --> 00:11:33,636 Speaker 2: on this last week. So if you look at King 215 00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:37,476 Speaker 2: Solomon and the Queen of Sheba, her name was Makita. 216 00:11:37,796 --> 00:11:41,876 Speaker 2: We know that from extra biblical material. She journeyed single woman, 217 00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:44,956 Speaker 2: twenty five to thirty five years old. Solomon's in the 218 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,276 Speaker 2: prime of his reign. He's thirty five to forty forty 219 00:11:47,276 --> 00:11:51,676 Speaker 2: five years old. She travels sixteen hundred miles. She takes 220 00:11:51,676 --> 00:11:54,236 Speaker 2: a boat up the Red Sea with her people. She 221 00:11:54,356 --> 00:11:58,916 Speaker 2: offsloads at the where the Jordan River flows in. She 222 00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:04,316 Speaker 2: gets her caravan. She caravans up six hundred miles to Jerusalem. 223 00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:10,076 Speaker 2: She sits in his court for six months. She lavishes 224 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:13,196 Speaker 2: this beautiful gift of wood that he used to build 225 00:12:13,236 --> 00:12:15,436 Speaker 2: the temple and he also used to build his own palace. 226 00:12:15,756 --> 00:12:19,636 Speaker 2: She gave him four point five tons of gold. You know, 227 00:12:19,716 --> 00:12:21,556 Speaker 2: nobody had ever seen that. And then she says this 228 00:12:21,636 --> 00:12:25,516 Speaker 2: in one Kingsten she lavishes this huge compliment, Blessed are 229 00:12:25,556 --> 00:12:28,636 Speaker 2: your men, Blessed are your servants, Blessed is your God. 230 00:12:28,676 --> 00:12:32,996 Speaker 2: But she never mentions his wives. He's married to like 231 00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:36,076 Speaker 2: a thousand women. She never brings that up. And then 232 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:38,516 Speaker 2: in verse thirteen it says something it opens up a 233 00:12:38,596 --> 00:12:41,236 Speaker 2: story loop. This is a key phrase in every movie 234 00:12:41,276 --> 00:12:43,116 Speaker 2: there are story loops. That's why we watch movies and 235 00:12:43,156 --> 00:12:45,636 Speaker 2: read books. It opens up a story loop. He says 236 00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:48,956 Speaker 2: these three words, it says, and Solomon gave her all 237 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:54,396 Speaker 2: her desire. Now three story loops opened up three thousand 238 00:12:54,476 --> 00:12:56,396 Speaker 2: years ago that are still open today. One of them 239 00:12:56,476 --> 00:13:00,756 Speaker 2: is they had an affair, she had a baby. She 240 00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:03,956 Speaker 2: went all the way back to Ethiopia. She brought her 241 00:13:03,996 --> 00:13:07,756 Speaker 2: baby with him. Had His name was Menelec. Every Ethiopian 242 00:13:07,876 --> 00:13:10,436 Speaker 2: king since that affair three thousand years ago is in 243 00:13:10,476 --> 00:13:12,676 Speaker 2: the line of Menelek. Who's in the line of Solomon. 244 00:13:13,236 --> 00:13:16,076 Speaker 2: That's number one, number two story loop. A lot of 245 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:22,276 Speaker 2: Jewish theologians believe that she had an affair and that 246 00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:25,796 Speaker 2: affair led to a child, and four hundred years later 247 00:13:25,956 --> 00:13:28,636 Speaker 2: that child's direct to send it does Neba kahmt Nezzer, 248 00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:31,636 Speaker 2: who in five twelve BC destroyed the Jewish temple, the 249 00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:34,516 Speaker 2: one that Solomon built. So you've got all of these, 250 00:13:34,516 --> 00:13:36,316 Speaker 2: and there's another story loop, which I won't get into 251 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,836 Speaker 2: with the bottom line is this, when you send a 252 00:13:38,876 --> 00:13:42,476 Speaker 2: gift just from you, you open up a story loop 253 00:13:42,556 --> 00:13:45,036 Speaker 2: in that person's eyes, and you open up a story 254 00:13:45,076 --> 00:13:47,476 Speaker 2: loop let's say you told your husband, hey, I bought 255 00:13:47,516 --> 00:13:52,196 Speaker 2: this cool T shirt for your best friend Bill and 256 00:13:52,276 --> 00:13:54,116 Speaker 2: he really liked it. I found it on clearance. Now 257 00:13:54,116 --> 00:13:57,396 Speaker 2: your husband is you opened up a story loop. He's going, whoa, whoa, 258 00:13:57,756 --> 00:14:00,676 Speaker 2: where's my T shirt? Why'd you think of him when 259 00:14:00,676 --> 00:14:02,716 Speaker 2: you're shopping at the North Simrak you know what I'm saying. 260 00:14:03,156 --> 00:14:05,796 Speaker 2: And so you open up these story loops. So and 261 00:14:05,836 --> 00:14:07,956 Speaker 2: then what happens is if that person that you gave 262 00:14:07,996 --> 00:14:10,076 Speaker 2: the gift to is in a broken relationship or in 263 00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,516 Speaker 2: a broken place, now you've created a story loop in 264 00:14:12,516 --> 00:14:15,236 Speaker 2: their mind. Otis Arlene? Wow? Does she like me? I mean, 265 00:14:15,236 --> 00:14:17,156 Speaker 2: what was that about? Oh? Well, she's cute. I mean, 266 00:14:17,236 --> 00:14:19,276 Speaker 2: you know they have all these things going on, and 267 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:23,756 Speaker 2: it's just again, it creates, It starts something that doesn't 268 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,276 Speaker 2: need to be started. So we just want to keep 269 00:14:25,276 --> 00:14:27,636 Speaker 2: it right here with non starters. Send it from us. 270 00:14:28,396 --> 00:14:31,156 Speaker 2: Your buddy still gets the cool shirt. Your husband isn't 271 00:14:31,156 --> 00:14:34,076 Speaker 2: affected by it because he's on the card. It's all good, 272 00:14:34,276 --> 00:14:35,196 Speaker 2: and everything's good. 273 00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:38,836 Speaker 1: I love this idea of the non starter, Like why 274 00:14:38,956 --> 00:14:41,196 Speaker 1: deal with them something ten years into it when you 275 00:14:41,196 --> 00:14:43,916 Speaker 1: could have killed it ten years ago? In thirty seconds, 276 00:14:43,956 --> 00:14:47,116 Speaker 1: like that's kind of amazing. Let's say a woman is 277 00:14:47,116 --> 00:14:49,836 Speaker 1: listening to this and they're like, gee, I wish my 278 00:14:49,996 --> 00:14:55,276 Speaker 1: husband would have guardrails. My husband doesn't believe in these guardrails, 279 00:14:55,276 --> 00:14:57,076 Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, how does a wife 280 00:14:57,556 --> 00:15:01,356 Speaker 1: get a husband interested in Hey honey, you know you 281 00:15:01,436 --> 00:15:04,036 Speaker 1: might not want to meet with women alone, Or hey honey, 282 00:15:04,076 --> 00:15:07,156 Speaker 1: you're being a little too warm to that lady right there. 283 00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:08,476 Speaker 1: Oh you're just oversensitive. 284 00:15:09,196 --> 00:15:11,996 Speaker 2: Man. There's so much to that statement. I wish I 285 00:15:11,996 --> 00:15:16,756 Speaker 2: could answer it. I would say this, I believe that 286 00:15:16,876 --> 00:15:20,476 Speaker 2: in so when God made men, when God made the 287 00:15:20,476 --> 00:15:24,236 Speaker 2: woman in Genesis two eighteen and Genesis two twenty, he 288 00:15:24,276 --> 00:15:28,076 Speaker 2: says he could not find a helper suitable. So that 289 00:15:28,156 --> 00:15:31,196 Speaker 2: word helper suitable. That's two words. There are two Hebrew 290 00:15:31,236 --> 00:15:35,076 Speaker 2: words ezra connecto. They literally mean and this is so beautiful. 291 00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:37,636 Speaker 2: When I read this, I thought I'd never heard this before. 292 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:41,196 Speaker 2: It means the one who stands opposite of me. So 293 00:15:41,676 --> 00:15:44,556 Speaker 2: Shanna is here, she's looking this way. I am here. 294 00:15:44,636 --> 00:15:47,276 Speaker 2: I'm looking this way. She sees what I don't see. 295 00:15:47,396 --> 00:15:49,596 Speaker 2: She has a passion for I'm not passionate for. She 296 00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,476 Speaker 2: knows what I don't know. She does what I don't do. 297 00:15:51,556 --> 00:15:53,116 Speaker 2: She's made the way I'm not made. She thinks the 298 00:15:53,116 --> 00:15:56,636 Speaker 2: way I don't think. She literally, it's like Charlie's Angels. 299 00:15:56,996 --> 00:16:00,876 Speaker 2: She has she has my back, and so as a man, 300 00:16:00,956 --> 00:16:04,756 Speaker 2: we have to realize that our wife, our bride, has 301 00:16:04,956 --> 00:16:08,036 Speaker 2: our back. And here's the one thing that she sees 302 00:16:08,076 --> 00:16:11,556 Speaker 2: that I don't see. My bride is the family thermometer. 303 00:16:12,436 --> 00:16:15,636 Speaker 2: That's her superpower. My superpower is I'm the family thermostat. 304 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,876 Speaker 2: She can tell me the temperature in all of my relationships, 305 00:16:18,996 --> 00:16:22,036 Speaker 2: including ours, and my job is to regulate those and 306 00:16:22,076 --> 00:16:25,956 Speaker 2: fix those accordingly. She's the problem identifier. I'm the problem solver. 307 00:16:26,076 --> 00:16:28,956 Speaker 2: That's why women in marriage always say to her husband's honey, 308 00:16:28,996 --> 00:16:31,436 Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell you something, but don't try. 309 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,396 Speaker 1: To fix it fax it. 310 00:16:33,916 --> 00:16:38,356 Speaker 2: So what men need to realize is she has a superpower, 311 00:16:38,876 --> 00:16:43,756 Speaker 2: and that superpower is identifying the temperature in relationships. And 312 00:16:43,796 --> 00:16:47,236 Speaker 2: so when she comes to me as a man, my job, 313 00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:50,036 Speaker 2: I would say to the wife, she can actually she 314 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:53,636 Speaker 2: can actually tell him this. Listen, you're the thermometer. I'm 315 00:16:53,676 --> 00:16:56,796 Speaker 2: the thermometer. You're the thermostat, and I'm telling you right 316 00:16:56,836 --> 00:17:01,636 Speaker 2: now we've got an issue. Please listen. What she could do. 317 00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:04,196 Speaker 2: What she could do is she could say, Okay, honey, 318 00:17:04,596 --> 00:17:06,316 Speaker 2: what I want to start doing. This is low hanging 319 00:17:06,356 --> 00:17:08,995 Speaker 2: fruit right here. This is probably the best answer to 320 00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:13,356 Speaker 2: the question, honey telling her husband, Honey, I want you 321 00:17:13,436 --> 00:17:15,276 Speaker 2: to rank our marriage from one to ten, and I'm 322 00:17:15,316 --> 00:17:16,836 Speaker 2: going to rank it from one to ten. And let's 323 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:20,556 Speaker 2: tell each other why. She will always rank it lower 324 00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:24,955 Speaker 2: because she's the thermometer. She sees what we don't see, 325 00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:27,796 Speaker 2: and that opens up a dialogue to help the marriage. 326 00:17:27,836 --> 00:17:30,916 Speaker 2: In two thousand and eight, Arlene, my wife kept saying 327 00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,755 Speaker 2: to me, Hey, I think our marriage needs help. I 328 00:17:32,796 --> 00:17:34,676 Speaker 2: think our marriage needs help. I think our marriage needs help. 329 00:17:35,196 --> 00:17:37,876 Speaker 2: And I'm kind of going, gosh, really, I'm just kind 330 00:17:37,876 --> 00:17:40,396 Speaker 2: of blowing it off. She's like, I'm tired. She was 331 00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:43,316 Speaker 2: working three jobs. I was working two. So I went 332 00:17:43,356 --> 00:17:46,196 Speaker 2: to a counselor friend in our church, a female counselor, 333 00:17:46,515 --> 00:17:48,356 Speaker 2: which we thought that'd be better for her because all 334 00:17:48,356 --> 00:17:50,916 Speaker 2: my pastor friends were a man, you know. And we 335 00:17:50,955 --> 00:17:53,676 Speaker 2: took a survey and I scored an eighty nine in 336 00:17:53,715 --> 00:17:56,396 Speaker 2: marital satisfaction, Like. 337 00:17:56,356 --> 00:17:57,916 Speaker 1: All everything's well, you are everything. 338 00:17:57,995 --> 00:18:00,636 Speaker 2: Hey, we're good. We're good. She scored a thirty two. 339 00:18:01,235 --> 00:18:03,035 Speaker 1: Oh no, I was going to give her a sixty. 340 00:18:03,235 --> 00:18:05,275 Speaker 2: She scored a thirty two. So it was an all. 341 00:18:05,396 --> 00:18:06,755 Speaker 2: And I share this in the book. I mean, I 342 00:18:06,755 --> 00:18:10,875 Speaker 2: share my failures, you know, and I really I decided, okay, 343 00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:13,916 Speaker 2: we need help because even if our marriage is a sixty, 344 00:18:13,995 --> 00:18:16,396 Speaker 2: if she sees it as a thirty two, I need 345 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,476 Speaker 2: to work with her and raise the level. And that's 346 00:18:18,475 --> 00:18:20,475 Speaker 2: what we did, and it just was all. It changed 347 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,196 Speaker 2: our whole marriage. But men have to We need to 348 00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:25,916 Speaker 2: listen to our wives. They have superpowers that we don't 349 00:18:25,955 --> 00:18:27,955 Speaker 2: see as our aser connecto. 350 00:18:29,156 --> 00:18:31,715 Speaker 1: Someone's listening and they're like, my marriage is a thirty two. 351 00:18:32,556 --> 00:18:34,876 Speaker 1: What's just one thing that you did to help turn 352 00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:35,436 Speaker 1: that around? 353 00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:41,116 Speaker 2: Do you really want to hear the story? I don't. Okay, 354 00:18:41,316 --> 00:18:42,836 Speaker 2: I don't know. If I don't, I don't know if 355 00:18:42,836 --> 00:18:44,355 Speaker 2: I don't know if this made it in the book, 356 00:18:44,755 --> 00:18:47,436 Speaker 2: it was in the original manuscript. But when we sat 357 00:18:47,475 --> 00:18:50,235 Speaker 2: down with this this female counselor, she said, okay, Shanna, 358 00:18:50,715 --> 00:18:52,796 Speaker 2: what is one thing that Jim can do for six 359 00:18:52,836 --> 00:18:56,436 Speaker 2: weeks to inspire you? Was that in the book? Do 360 00:18:56,475 --> 00:18:56,876 Speaker 2: you remember? 361 00:18:57,396 --> 00:18:58,315 Speaker 1: I said? 362 00:18:58,356 --> 00:19:00,396 Speaker 2: She said, Listen, We've got I've got three sons in 363 00:19:00,436 --> 00:19:02,876 Speaker 2: the house or all teenagers. I've got a husband, I'm 364 00:19:02,916 --> 00:19:05,276 Speaker 2: working multiple jobs. I just need him to be vigilant 365 00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:07,995 Speaker 2: about cleaning up around the house. So to me, that 366 00:19:08,116 --> 00:19:09,916 Speaker 2: so to me, that tells me one our marriage wasn't 367 00:19:09,995 --> 00:19:13,436 Speaker 2: that bad. It was very situational, and so I had 368 00:19:13,436 --> 00:19:15,756 Speaker 2: a great opportunity to fix it. So I said, Okay, 369 00:19:16,035 --> 00:19:18,156 Speaker 2: I'm in. So she said, okay, Jim, you're going to 370 00:19:18,196 --> 00:19:20,955 Speaker 2: be mister clean for six weeks. You're going to go 371 00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:23,596 Speaker 2: for it. And then she looked at me and said, well, 372 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,876 Speaker 2: what can your wife do to inspire you? Now? Now, Arlene, 373 00:19:25,876 --> 00:19:29,236 Speaker 2: I scored in eighty nine, so I'm like, I've got 374 00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,636 Speaker 2: a bonus round here. So you can only imagine what 375 00:19:31,676 --> 00:19:36,196 Speaker 2: I said. So we'll just leave it there. Man, they 376 00:19:36,235 --> 00:19:37,955 Speaker 2: can lead. They can read the book if they want 377 00:19:37,995 --> 00:19:40,515 Speaker 2: to know how that played out. But it literally changed 378 00:19:40,515 --> 00:19:45,836 Speaker 2: our marriage because I did something to inspire her forward. 379 00:19:46,275 --> 00:19:48,835 Speaker 2: I would say, a real easy thing to do, Arlene, 380 00:19:48,916 --> 00:19:52,315 Speaker 2: for couples. And I don't know why this is so neglected. 381 00:19:52,475 --> 00:19:55,156 Speaker 2: I just don't know why. And this comes out of 382 00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:59,035 Speaker 2: Guardrail three. Stay emotionally connected, because when a family. What 383 00:19:59,116 --> 00:20:01,835 Speaker 2: you're saying is what happens when you're disconnected. You know, 384 00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,436 Speaker 2: the Bible says he may gave man an esther connecto 385 00:20:04,475 --> 00:20:07,476 Speaker 2: a helper suitable. But he also said you will leave 386 00:20:07,515 --> 00:20:10,075 Speaker 2: your father mother, cleave to her, and be one flesh. Well, 387 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:13,595 Speaker 2: that word cleave is the Hebrew word de bac, and 388 00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:18,156 Speaker 2: basically it means to adhere to, to to be abide with, 389 00:20:18,436 --> 00:20:20,755 Speaker 2: and to pursue and chase after. It also means one 390 00:20:20,796 --> 00:20:22,715 Speaker 2: other thing that I'm not going to share with you 391 00:20:22,836 --> 00:20:25,355 Speaker 2: because it's what really impacted me. I'm gonna leave that 392 00:20:25,356 --> 00:20:28,916 Speaker 2: out because it doesn't really play into this question. And 393 00:20:28,955 --> 00:20:31,076 Speaker 2: so with my wife and I did for twenty five years. 394 00:20:31,076 --> 00:20:35,036 Speaker 2: We still do it. We have regular debacu nights, date nights, 395 00:20:35,475 --> 00:20:37,356 Speaker 2: and we kind of laugh because a lot of times 396 00:20:37,396 --> 00:20:38,515 Speaker 2: they turn into a debacle. 397 00:20:40,076 --> 00:20:42,955 Speaker 1: It's something in your throat, the. 398 00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:47,475 Speaker 2: Bac bacus that Hebrew d bac to connect, to join together, 399 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,995 Speaker 2: to cleave. And so we would do stuff like this. 400 00:20:50,035 --> 00:20:51,755 Speaker 2: We would go to a Mexican food restaurant we were 401 00:20:52,035 --> 00:20:54,235 Speaker 2: so poor, and we would get a diet coke and 402 00:20:54,235 --> 00:20:56,275 Speaker 2: have chips and salsa, or we go to McDonald's and 403 00:20:56,316 --> 00:20:59,996 Speaker 2: get a happy you know, a dollar bike. Yes, we're 404 00:20:59,995 --> 00:21:01,676 Speaker 2: living in San Diego, walk on the beach and look 405 00:21:01,715 --> 00:21:04,676 Speaker 2: for beach class. We just did things like that, very 406 00:21:04,676 --> 00:21:07,875 Speaker 2: inexpensive things, but we said, once a week, we're going 407 00:21:07,955 --> 00:21:11,436 Speaker 2: to carve two hours out of our busy lives, stressed out, live, kids, sports, 408 00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:13,995 Speaker 2: all these things. We are just going to be committed 409 00:21:14,035 --> 00:21:17,955 Speaker 2: to each other. And those two hours every Thursday night. 410 00:21:18,515 --> 00:21:20,916 Speaker 2: In fact, let me tell you how monumental those were. 411 00:21:21,275 --> 00:21:23,035 Speaker 2: We had a little girl in our youth group who 412 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,076 Speaker 2: babysat for She was in my youth group and every 413 00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:27,916 Speaker 2: Thursday she'd come over a babysit. And when we moved 414 00:21:27,955 --> 00:21:30,436 Speaker 2: to Oregon, that girl moved with us to Oregon. She 415 00:21:30,916 --> 00:21:35,076 Speaker 2: became my kids's older sister, connected so much with our 416 00:21:35,116 --> 00:21:38,196 Speaker 2: family because she saw what was happening. She would call 417 00:21:38,235 --> 00:21:40,156 Speaker 2: me her and she's now an executive pastor of a 418 00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:42,676 Speaker 2: church here up in Oregon. But what I'm saying is 419 00:21:42,955 --> 00:21:46,235 Speaker 2: it was so consistent, and then she was able to 420 00:21:46,235 --> 00:21:49,115 Speaker 2: watch our family live out in real time, and it 421 00:21:49,235 --> 00:21:51,356 Speaker 2: just was a game changer. It was a sacred cow 422 00:21:51,436 --> 00:21:54,676 Speaker 2: for us. So these debac or date nights are just 423 00:21:54,796 --> 00:21:58,236 Speaker 2: so vital to a couple connecting emotionally. 424 00:21:58,995 --> 00:22:02,235 Speaker 1: Yeah, so someone listening, the first step might just be like, okay, 425 00:22:02,436 --> 00:22:05,436 Speaker 1: rate our marriage one to ten? What could I do 426 00:22:05,676 --> 00:22:07,875 Speaker 1: to inspire you? And when are we going to have 427 00:22:07,916 --> 00:22:11,876 Speaker 1: our debac night? Like that's it, Like that's really really good. 428 00:22:12,796 --> 00:22:16,475 Speaker 1: I want to talk about digital stuff because you are prolific. 429 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:19,635 Speaker 1: You were there years ago, you were so in the 430 00:22:19,676 --> 00:22:22,356 Speaker 1: seeds in the digital world. You know, so many years ago. 431 00:22:22,436 --> 00:22:25,955 Speaker 1: You've got a huge presence on all these different platforms. 432 00:22:26,316 --> 00:22:30,356 Speaker 1: But as you know, marital breaches, you know, trouble temptation, 433 00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:33,836 Speaker 1: either things that you see that you shouldn't see, praise 434 00:22:34,156 --> 00:22:36,755 Speaker 1: from other people that you're kind of counting on or 435 00:22:36,796 --> 00:22:39,836 Speaker 1: trying to get your status there, whatever it is, talk 436 00:22:39,876 --> 00:22:42,876 Speaker 1: about like the pitfalls, like what we should be watching 437 00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:45,196 Speaker 1: for when we are online. 438 00:22:45,755 --> 00:22:47,075 Speaker 2: Well, I'll just say this. I'm going to tell you 439 00:22:47,076 --> 00:22:50,156 Speaker 2: a little secret. We have one hundred and fifty thousand 440 00:22:50,156 --> 00:22:52,196 Speaker 2: followers on Instagram and one hundred and forty seven on 441 00:22:52,235 --> 00:22:55,035 Speaker 2: TikTok and I don't have either of those apps on 442 00:22:55,076 --> 00:22:59,115 Speaker 2: my phone. Good for you, because that is they were 443 00:22:59,156 --> 00:23:02,516 Speaker 2: a stumbling block for me. And then what I did 444 00:23:02,556 --> 00:23:05,356 Speaker 2: with Facebook is I've gone through Facebook and I've purged 445 00:23:05,396 --> 00:23:10,676 Speaker 2: ex girlfriends, high school classmates basically with my rule on Facebook, 446 00:23:10,715 --> 00:23:13,235 Speaker 2: if I did not have you in my youth group. Now, 447 00:23:13,235 --> 00:23:15,595 Speaker 2: these youth group women are in there fifty now, you know. 448 00:23:15,876 --> 00:23:17,676 Speaker 2: But if I did not have you in my youth group. 449 00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:20,035 Speaker 2: In fact, I've got several women that work for me 450 00:23:20,076 --> 00:23:22,396 Speaker 2: now they were in my youth youth group kids. So 451 00:23:22,436 --> 00:23:23,836 Speaker 2: if you weren't in my youth group, but you're not 452 00:23:23,916 --> 00:23:26,436 Speaker 2: part of my family, I really don't have any need 453 00:23:26,475 --> 00:23:28,355 Speaker 2: for you to be Onvolve. So there's a purging that 454 00:23:28,436 --> 00:23:32,116 Speaker 2: has to happen. And then I don't I just don't 455 00:23:32,156 --> 00:23:36,755 Speaker 2: have digital communication with women. I just don't do it. 456 00:23:36,796 --> 00:23:39,115 Speaker 2: I don't DM them, I don't text them. If I do, 457 00:23:39,156 --> 00:23:41,555 Speaker 2: it's work related with the women I work with. And 458 00:23:41,596 --> 00:23:43,275 Speaker 2: then here's the other thing that my wife and I 459 00:23:43,316 --> 00:23:45,475 Speaker 2: have this understanding, and I know this, we get pushedback 460 00:23:45,515 --> 00:23:48,836 Speaker 2: on this. My wife has free access. I'm on two 461 00:23:48,876 --> 00:23:52,436 Speaker 2: different I have Covenant Eyes on my phone and I've 462 00:23:52,475 --> 00:23:54,596 Speaker 2: got a Canopy on my phone, and they're both ones 463 00:23:54,596 --> 00:23:58,196 Speaker 2: of filter ones accountability, and my wife is my accountability partner. 464 00:23:58,676 --> 00:24:04,196 Speaker 2: And these things help protect us from ourselves because I'm 465 00:24:04,196 --> 00:24:07,636 Speaker 2: one decision away from stupid and so and so and so. 466 00:24:07,755 --> 00:24:10,676 Speaker 2: My wife has access to my devices whenever she wants, 467 00:24:10,676 --> 00:24:13,676 Speaker 2: no questions ask. I have the same for her. And 468 00:24:13,715 --> 00:24:16,075 Speaker 2: people say, don't you trust each other? And we're like, 469 00:24:16,715 --> 00:24:20,196 Speaker 2: we don't trust the other guy. Address ourselves, yes, and 470 00:24:20,235 --> 00:24:22,836 Speaker 2: we don't trust ourselves. And because of that, just knowing 471 00:24:22,876 --> 00:24:26,116 Speaker 2: that my wife is a I'm accounted er all these things, 472 00:24:26,116 --> 00:24:28,676 Speaker 2: so she has free access, it just really frees me up. 473 00:24:29,316 --> 00:24:31,156 Speaker 1: Yes, it's a non starter. 474 00:24:31,676 --> 00:24:32,436 Speaker 2: It's a start. 475 00:24:32,636 --> 00:24:33,755 Speaker 1: We've been talking about. 476 00:24:33,876 --> 00:24:34,795 Speaker 2: It's a non starter. 477 00:24:35,676 --> 00:24:38,315 Speaker 1: You have this Bible verse that's really good advice. By 478 00:24:38,316 --> 00:24:40,115 Speaker 1: the way, my husband does the same thing of not 479 00:24:40,196 --> 00:24:43,395 Speaker 1: putting the social media apps on his phone, and just 480 00:24:43,436 --> 00:24:46,356 Speaker 1: that's great advice for all of us teenagers, everybody you're 481 00:24:46,396 --> 00:24:48,756 Speaker 1: starting out, great look at it on your laptop where 482 00:24:48,755 --> 00:24:50,916 Speaker 1: everybody can see it and where you're not carrying it 483 00:24:50,955 --> 00:24:54,275 Speaker 1: around all day long. Such a good thing. You have 484 00:24:54,436 --> 00:24:57,316 Speaker 1: Deuteronomy twenty two eight in the book where it talked 485 00:24:57,316 --> 00:25:00,916 Speaker 1: about a parapet and I remember a long time, maybe 486 00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:03,836 Speaker 1: a few years ago, I thought some business person should 487 00:25:03,876 --> 00:25:08,595 Speaker 1: write a book called parapet and then then write about this. 488 00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:11,156 Speaker 1: So the verse is when you build a new house, 489 00:25:11,636 --> 00:25:14,835 Speaker 1: you shall make a parapet for your roof so that 490 00:25:14,955 --> 00:25:18,116 Speaker 1: you will not bring blood guilt on your house if 491 00:25:18,156 --> 00:25:21,475 Speaker 1: anyone falls from it. Explain this that our listeners not 492 00:25:21,556 --> 00:25:22,835 Speaker 1: like what so. 493 00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:27,235 Speaker 2: A parapet is not an emotional support parakeet. A parapet 494 00:25:27,316 --> 00:25:29,555 Speaker 2: is not your a little you know, a little you 495 00:25:29,596 --> 00:25:32,115 Speaker 2: know chia pet, you know, to you know whatever. A 496 00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:34,595 Speaker 2: parapet is. An actual is a guard rail. It's a 497 00:25:34,636 --> 00:25:38,396 Speaker 2: small wall. And so back in the ancient tradition, in 498 00:25:38,436 --> 00:25:41,036 Speaker 2: the ancient days, homes were flat roofs. Remember, we're living 499 00:25:41,076 --> 00:25:43,555 Speaker 2: in an arid land, a desert. It's not like Oregon 500 00:25:43,596 --> 00:25:45,835 Speaker 2: where it rains. You know, have two seasons in Oregon, 501 00:25:45,955 --> 00:25:48,755 Speaker 2: rain and construction. Back then, it was back in that 502 00:25:48,836 --> 00:25:50,755 Speaker 2: world is always you know, dry air. And so I 503 00:25:50,796 --> 00:25:54,555 Speaker 2: had flat roofs. And because they were single room units 504 00:25:54,596 --> 00:25:56,955 Speaker 2: that families would live in, they would use the roof 505 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:58,836 Speaker 2: as an escape. They would go up to the roof 506 00:25:59,356 --> 00:26:02,035 Speaker 2: and enjoy the stars cool, and I consider it like 507 00:26:02,235 --> 00:26:05,436 Speaker 2: a patio of a man cave. You'd have your tragger 508 00:26:05,515 --> 00:26:07,196 Speaker 2: up there, you'd have your big screen TV, you'd have 509 00:26:07,235 --> 00:26:09,595 Speaker 2: your you know, you have your cooler up there. And you. 510 00:26:09,715 --> 00:26:11,035 Speaker 2: It's a place where you and then you'd have a 511 00:26:11,076 --> 00:26:12,555 Speaker 2: ladder that goes up the side of the house and 512 00:26:12,556 --> 00:26:14,836 Speaker 2: onto the roof. It is a place where this is 513 00:26:14,876 --> 00:26:17,356 Speaker 2: a critical part of it. It is a place where 514 00:26:17,356 --> 00:26:19,676 Speaker 2: those who are close to you went to hang out 515 00:26:19,676 --> 00:26:23,715 Speaker 2: with you, your best buddy, your relatives, your kids, and so 516 00:26:23,755 --> 00:26:27,275 Speaker 2: what this versus saying, it's saying you build a parapet, 517 00:26:27,396 --> 00:26:30,116 Speaker 2: you build a guard rail so that if someone doesn't 518 00:26:30,196 --> 00:26:33,636 Speaker 2: if someone falls off it, they won't consider you guilty. Right. Well, 519 00:26:33,796 --> 00:26:35,755 Speaker 2: when you look at that deeply, the people on the 520 00:26:35,836 --> 00:26:38,555 Speaker 2: roof with you are people that you know. There are 521 00:26:38,596 --> 00:26:41,916 Speaker 2: people that you're close to, and statistically we know that 522 00:26:43,116 --> 00:26:46,636 Speaker 2: abusers are not strangers. There are people that our kids know. 523 00:26:47,636 --> 00:26:52,235 Speaker 2: Affairs happen statistically with somebody that our spouse already knows, 524 00:26:52,316 --> 00:26:55,555 Speaker 2: their boss, your best friend, bro. I mean, you know, 525 00:26:55,916 --> 00:26:59,475 Speaker 2: there's somebody that we already know. So when we're building guardles, 526 00:26:59,515 --> 00:27:01,595 Speaker 2: we need to realize that the people that were really 527 00:27:02,596 --> 00:27:05,595 Speaker 2: the primary suspects, I hate to use that word, the 528 00:27:05,636 --> 00:27:07,836 Speaker 2: primary characters that we need to be careful of are 529 00:27:07,876 --> 00:27:11,835 Speaker 2: those who we already have invited into our circle. And 530 00:27:11,876 --> 00:27:13,876 Speaker 2: that proves out in real time, right, I mean, think 531 00:27:13,876 --> 00:27:16,556 Speaker 2: about the affairs. You know. It's with a church secretary, 532 00:27:16,916 --> 00:27:19,235 Speaker 2: it's with a boss, it's with a girl, girl friend 533 00:27:19,235 --> 00:27:21,835 Speaker 2: from high school, it's with your best friends. You know, 534 00:27:21,916 --> 00:27:23,956 Speaker 2: your best friend's wife. It's this type of thing. 535 00:27:24,676 --> 00:27:28,995 Speaker 1: Yeah, I also saw it as you're building it, those 536 00:27:29,035 --> 00:27:32,115 Speaker 1: guardrails to protect your family right from falling over. So 537 00:27:32,396 --> 00:27:35,235 Speaker 1: when you as you're talking about these ten guardrails of 538 00:27:35,316 --> 00:27:37,475 Speaker 1: things you're going to do in your marriage, like guardrail 539 00:27:37,556 --> 00:27:41,516 Speaker 1: number four, frame your bride well, never engage in negative 540 00:27:41,556 --> 00:27:43,795 Speaker 1: talk about your bride. When you're building that. It's like 541 00:27:43,796 --> 00:27:47,156 Speaker 1: you're putting parapets on that on that padio roof to 542 00:27:47,356 --> 00:27:50,636 Speaker 1: make your house secure, which I think is just amazing. 543 00:27:51,356 --> 00:27:54,396 Speaker 1: The last question I have is about guardrail number ten, 544 00:27:54,596 --> 00:27:59,076 Speaker 1: build a wall, inspect your wife's guardrails often, how does 545 00:27:59,116 --> 00:28:00,155 Speaker 1: a husband do that? 546 00:28:00,556 --> 00:28:02,876 Speaker 2: So in my book, so right over here you see 547 00:28:02,916 --> 00:28:05,995 Speaker 2: the book Guardrails, and then below it you see dialed 548 00:28:05,995 --> 00:28:07,995 Speaker 2: In and dialed In. I wrote a chapter on leader, 549 00:28:08,116 --> 00:28:10,795 Speaker 2: the Leader, and it's out of the pastoral Epistles and 550 00:28:10,836 --> 00:28:14,556 Speaker 2: one Timothy three and Titus Chapter one. Paul is twenty 551 00:28:14,596 --> 00:28:17,515 Speaker 2: fault qualifications for a spiritual leader which really should be 552 00:28:17,556 --> 00:28:20,355 Speaker 2: the goal of every man. One of those qualifications is 553 00:28:20,356 --> 00:28:23,396 Speaker 2: that he should manage his household well. Paul spend more 554 00:28:23,436 --> 00:28:26,836 Speaker 2: time on the word manages than any other nineteen combined. 555 00:28:27,235 --> 00:28:30,075 Speaker 2: He spent two entire verses on managing. And so I 556 00:28:30,076 --> 00:28:32,436 Speaker 2: looked up the Greek word there, and the Greek word 557 00:28:32,556 --> 00:28:36,276 Speaker 2: is price to my Now, my last chapter is called 558 00:28:36,275 --> 00:28:38,156 Speaker 2: build a wall. It has nothing to do with the 559 00:28:38,196 --> 00:28:41,396 Speaker 2: border between Mexico and America. It has to do with 560 00:28:41,476 --> 00:28:43,676 Speaker 2: this that as a man again, I'm talking. I wrote 561 00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:46,476 Speaker 2: the book for men. As a man, my job is 562 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:50,036 Speaker 2: to proise DEMI my family. This price to my word 563 00:28:50,076 --> 00:28:52,996 Speaker 2: is very. It's a beautiful word. It means to preside, protect, 564 00:28:53,036 --> 00:28:57,156 Speaker 2: and provide. So my job is to preside over my household, 565 00:28:57,436 --> 00:29:00,956 Speaker 2: to protect my household. And then inside of each individual 566 00:29:01,036 --> 00:29:04,156 Speaker 2: house is rooms are rooms. My job is to provide 567 00:29:04,156 --> 00:29:07,636 Speaker 2: within those that house, provide for the hearts in there. So, 568 00:29:07,956 --> 00:29:10,476 Speaker 2: in the context of marriage, I am to be a 569 00:29:10,556 --> 00:29:13,436 Speaker 2: covering for my wife. I build a wall over her. 570 00:29:13,796 --> 00:29:16,355 Speaker 2: I am to be a wall around her. I am 571 00:29:16,396 --> 00:29:20,436 Speaker 2: to protect her from all inter whether that be you know, 572 00:29:20,596 --> 00:29:28,595 Speaker 2: news stations, netflix, social media, toxic relationships. And then inside 573 00:29:28,596 --> 00:29:31,115 Speaker 2: I need to protect her heart, and my job as 574 00:29:31,156 --> 00:29:33,196 Speaker 2: a man is to create a safe place for her 575 00:29:33,196 --> 00:29:35,756 Speaker 2: heart to dwell in my love. Now, here's the key 576 00:29:35,796 --> 00:29:37,396 Speaker 2: thing for men, and here's the part that men will 577 00:29:37,396 --> 00:29:40,115 Speaker 2: really resonate with. So my job as a man is, 578 00:29:40,156 --> 00:29:42,355 Speaker 2: I'm nea a mayah. My job is to inspect the 579 00:29:42,396 --> 00:29:46,036 Speaker 2: walls regularly so that I can figure out where I 580 00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:47,636 Speaker 2: have a breach, where I have a leak, where I 581 00:29:47,636 --> 00:29:50,396 Speaker 2: have a paper wall, a paper mache wall, where I 582 00:29:50,716 --> 00:29:53,396 Speaker 2: wall made of sticks, where I can fortify the wall. 583 00:29:53,476 --> 00:29:56,756 Speaker 2: And part of my part of how I do that, Arlene, 584 00:29:56,836 --> 00:29:59,156 Speaker 2: is I ask my wife how we doing one to ten? 585 00:30:00,396 --> 00:30:03,395 Speaker 2: How are there are there any relationships right now? I've 586 00:30:03,436 --> 00:30:05,996 Speaker 2: got a relationship with one son that I need to 587 00:30:06,196 --> 00:30:09,036 Speaker 2: I need to repair, and so I'm working on repairing 588 00:30:09,076 --> 00:30:11,796 Speaker 2: that relationship. Yeah, but it's my wife who's helped me 589 00:30:11,836 --> 00:30:12,236 Speaker 2: see it. 590 00:30:12,996 --> 00:30:18,476 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's beautiful, my goodness. Okay, So for the men listening, man, 591 00:30:18,556 --> 00:30:20,596 Speaker 1: you are fired up. You are ready to love your 592 00:30:20,716 --> 00:30:23,876 Speaker 1: job and go get it. For the women listening, you're like, oh, 593 00:30:23,916 --> 00:30:26,556 Speaker 1: my goodness, I need to get my husband to listen 594 00:30:26,596 --> 00:30:29,356 Speaker 1: to this podcast right now, or maybe my adult son 595 00:30:29,556 --> 00:30:32,076 Speaker 1: to give this to him. This is something for young 596 00:30:32,156 --> 00:30:36,356 Speaker 1: men to grow into. This has been amazing. You will 597 00:30:36,396 --> 00:30:38,996 Speaker 1: hear all of the ten guardrails in the book to 598 00:30:38,996 --> 00:30:41,316 Speaker 1: be able to learn about them. Jim, how do people 599 00:30:41,356 --> 00:30:43,356 Speaker 1: find out about your book and how do they find 600 00:30:43,356 --> 00:30:44,396 Speaker 1: out about your ministry? 601 00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:46,516 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would also say we include a chapter just 602 00:30:46,516 --> 00:30:49,676 Speaker 2: for singles in here, because your guardrails start. Your guardrails 603 00:30:49,676 --> 00:30:51,956 Speaker 2: start with you're single. That's really when they do. I 604 00:30:51,956 --> 00:30:54,716 Speaker 2: would say, don't google my name. My name's not worth anything. 605 00:30:54,716 --> 00:30:57,516 Speaker 2: It's not out there. Google men in the arena. And 606 00:30:57,596 --> 00:30:59,236 Speaker 2: if they want to get the book, honestly, the best 607 00:30:59,276 --> 00:31:01,796 Speaker 2: place to get it easiest is go to Amazon. Jump 608 00:31:01,796 --> 00:31:03,956 Speaker 2: on over there, and we'd love to help out any 609 00:31:03,956 --> 00:31:05,596 Speaker 2: way we can. We just believe when a man gets it, 610 00:31:05,676 --> 00:31:06,916 Speaker 2: everyone wins, and we want to help. 611 00:31:07,636 --> 00:31:09,796 Speaker 1: That's so awesome. Thank you so much, Jim. This has 612 00:31:09,836 --> 00:31:13,956 Speaker 1: been i opening, inspiring, strengthening. Thank you so much. 613 00:31:14,156 --> 00:31:15,996 Speaker 2: Thanks so much for having me him, humbled and honored. 614 00:31:17,556 --> 00:31:20,916 Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed today conversation. I'd love to keep 615 00:31:20,916 --> 00:31:24,556 Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show 616 00:31:24,596 --> 00:31:27,196 Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to 617 00:31:27,276 --> 00:31:31,075 Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. And 618 00:31:31,156 --> 00:31:34,036 Speaker 1: maybe you like reading or listening to books. I have 619 00:31:34,116 --> 00:31:36,836 Speaker 1: a lot of books. You could start with the Big Three, 620 00:31:37,236 --> 00:31:42,396 Speaker 1: Making marriage Easier, Parents Rising, or screen kids. A big 621 00:31:42,436 --> 00:31:44,596 Speaker 1: thank you to the team at life Audio for their 622 00:31:44,636 --> 00:31:48,516 Speaker 1: partnership with the Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio dot 623 00:31:48,556 --> 00:31:52,236 Speaker 1: com for dozens of other faith related podcasts about prayer, 624 00:31:52,556 --> 00:31:53,676 Speaker 1: Bible study. 625 00:31:53,396 --> 00:31:53,836 Speaker 2: And more. 626 00:31:54,476 --> 00:31:57,396 Speaker 1: Remember, you don't have to come from a happy home 627 00:31:57,516 --> 00:32:00,836 Speaker 1: to create one. You too, can have a happy home.