1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:07,000 Speaker 1: Life Audio. I remember having a conversation with one of 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,840 Speaker 1: my clients once and she said, and they had a 3 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:13,040 Speaker 1: decent marriage, but she said, I want to feel cherished 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 1: by my husband. And I was like, I love that 5 00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:18,800 Speaker 1: word cherished, and I think that like for some wives, 6 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,720 Speaker 1: they can't necessarily articulate that's what they're looking for. But 7 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: that's what when I heard your question, that's the first 8 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: answer that came to my mind is am I cherished? Like? 9 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: Do I matter? Ex likely what you said? Like? Am 10 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:34,159 Speaker 1: I valuable to you? Am I worth your time? Am 11 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,520 Speaker 1: I worth you looking up from your phone when I'm 12 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: having a conversation with you? Am I worth you giving 13 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: me your attention? Am I worth you coming home on time? Hey? Hey, 14 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 1: everybody at Stannache and you're listening to the Rebuilding Us 15 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:54,840 Speaker 1: Marriage podcast. I have a who's becoming a friend. Actually, 16 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 1: she's been on the show before and then I've been 17 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,279 Speaker 1: on her podcast, and I'm just really excited for this 18 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: conversation that we're going to have today with Beatrice Vargas. 19 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: Beatrice is a podcast herself. She's also a Christian wives coach. 20 00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: We're going to talk about specifically the work that she 21 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,880 Speaker 1: does to help wives to navigate through some of these 22 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:17,680 Speaker 1: really challenging aspects of marriage. So if you're a wife 23 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: and you have been struggling, maybe you're burnt out, maybe 24 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: you're feeling like I'm the one doing all the work, 25 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: my husband's not really interested. There's a lot of tension, 26 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:28,120 Speaker 1: just a lot of conflict in your marriage, and you 27 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 1: need just some help, you need just a leg up. 28 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,119 Speaker 1: Beatrice is your girl. So Beatrice, thank you so much. 29 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,080 Speaker 1: I'm so excited to have this conversation with you. 30 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Dana. I'm excited to be back. 31 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,000 Speaker 2: Thank you to you know, just being able to collaborate 32 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 2: and get to talk to your audience in this space. 33 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,480 Speaker 2: I think it's such important work that we do, so 34 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 2: I really appreciate that. 35 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:51,280 Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely, You're up in New York City, New York area, 36 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: and I'm here in Virginia Beach, Virginia. And you know, 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,200 Speaker 1: every time that I meet somebody in this space that like, 38 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: there's a lot of marriage coaches, there's lots of marriage therapists, 39 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,559 Speaker 1: and I've connected with a lot of really amazing people, 40 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: but I think there's some people that like you just 41 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,080 Speaker 1: are like ooh, like you know, like she gets it. 42 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,800 Speaker 1: You know, and I think that I felt that the 43 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:10,480 Speaker 1: first time that I met you with like two three 44 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,280 Speaker 1: years ago, I was like, wow, like she really gets 45 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: this work. And I think you get it because you 46 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 1: lived it. Like this isn't just something that you read 47 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,240 Speaker 1: out of a book, This isn't just something that you 48 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: went to school for, but this this was your life. 49 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: So before we even get into kind of the meet, 50 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: just like real quick, kind of give us a little backstory. 51 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,960 Speaker 1: For those who didn't hear your first episode, give a 52 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,639 Speaker 1: little backstory on how your marriage went from toe up 53 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:38,520 Speaker 1: to where to where it is today. Yeah. 54 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll give you the cliff notes version, like I 55 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,000 Speaker 2: like to call it. My husband and I were together 56 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 2: and we were really we were feeling disconnected. We were 57 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 2: feeling like roommates just like you know what's going on, 58 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 2: always fighting, arguing, things like that. I recognize now twenty 59 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:05,560 Speaker 2: twenty right that I was really reactive, defensive. It didn't 60 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,120 Speaker 2: matter what he said. 61 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: I would be upset. You know. 62 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,959 Speaker 2: I would kind of sometimes that fly off the handle, 63 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,399 Speaker 2: you know, I would get really upset. Also, I recognized 64 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,799 Speaker 2: at the time that I bulldozed him into a lot 65 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 2: of things. So smart, strong woman, My Mama raised me 66 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 2: to be like, you don't need a man, You make 67 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,839 Speaker 2: your own money. You do this, you do that. That's 68 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 2: what I did. I was smart, success successful, Yeah, you know, 69 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,200 Speaker 2: big corporate career, one hundred thousand dollars, like oh easy, 70 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,240 Speaker 2: done right, done everything. We had, We had it all, 71 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,480 Speaker 2: air quotes, we had it all, and we could not 72 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 2: see eye to eye in marriage. We did not feel 73 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 2: connected in marriage, and it just we tried everything. There 74 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 2: was no podcast back then, but like we did small 75 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 2: groups right, Like I would read the books and try 76 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 2: to do something, trying to figure out. He was an 77 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 2: unbeliever at the time. 78 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:03,800 Speaker 1: Even for that. 79 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,720 Speaker 2: He was like, I didn't sign up for some crazy 80 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 2: Cristure wives. Like it was so much that really just 81 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: kind of tore our marriage apart. And it was probably 82 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 2: a year of it starting to spiral go really really bad, 83 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,719 Speaker 2: and one day he was just like, yeah, I can't 84 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 2: do this anymore. And we knew. I knew that he 85 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,000 Speaker 2: was leaving, and I got you know, I went on 86 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 2: a business trip and I came home one day to 87 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 2: an empty apartment and I was like, wow, he's gone, 88 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,400 Speaker 2: Like okay, what am I doing? And that was a 89 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 2: very tough dark season, especially because I knew it was coming, 90 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 2: and so I knew it was coming before he even 91 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,479 Speaker 2: made the decision, you know, like the Holy Spirit just 92 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:51,240 Speaker 2: told me ahead of Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew it 93 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 2: was coming, and I started to reach out, you know, 94 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,960 Speaker 2: my pastor my girlfriend. Hey, I think he's leaving, Like 95 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 2: I think I think it's done. No, that would never happen, 96 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 2: and he would never do that. He's such a good guy. 97 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:04,480 Speaker 2: And it's true he was a good man, right, but 98 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 2: I didn't believe that he was cheating or anything like that. 99 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,840 Speaker 2: It was just he was so I think for him, 100 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,839 Speaker 2: it was such a desperate attempt like cry for help 101 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 2: of like I can't do this anymore, that he was like, yeah, 102 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 2: I'm done. I don't want to be like my dad. 103 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,480 Speaker 2: I don't want to cheat on you. I don't want 104 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,000 Speaker 2: to this, I don't want so I'm just gonna go. 105 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: So do you think at the time, because what a 106 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,160 Speaker 1: lot of times you hear it's almost like the opposite 107 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,840 Speaker 1: where the wife is the one that's like, you know, 108 00:05:32,279 --> 00:05:34,599 Speaker 1: I'm done, like I'm gonna leave because you're doing all 109 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: these things, and it sounds like in your situation was 110 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: a little reversed. So would you call yourself like the 111 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 1: aggressor or the one that was contributing to the majority 112 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 1: of the breakdown in the marriage, or would you would 113 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: you say that it was like fifty to fifty. 114 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 2: That's such a great question. The only reason why I 115 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:55,479 Speaker 2: can take ownership of all that stuff, why I can 116 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 2: even sit on this podcast and you even have an 117 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,839 Speaker 2: inkling of a thought that I might be the air 118 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 2: quotes aggressor is because I see now what I was 119 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 2: doing wrong. But at the time I thought it was 120 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 2: all him. 121 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: Of course, yeah, it was all his. 122 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, because I'm doing all things. I'm praying blah blah 123 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 2: blah blah, and to the world, he looked like the 124 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 2: bad guy because he had his own things. Right, This 125 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,159 Speaker 2: didn't come from nowhere. It wasn't no reason why I 126 00:06:30,279 --> 00:06:31,880 Speaker 2: was flying off the handle, right. 127 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: He was withdrawing. 128 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,800 Speaker 2: He wasn't, you know, doing the things that he used 129 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:39,520 Speaker 2: to do when we first started dating. He wasn't there. 130 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,680 Speaker 2: I didn't feel connected to him. I felt he was 131 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 2: far away. He would walk around with you know, like 132 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:45,840 Speaker 2: with a face and. 133 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: Right with the tour right, just. 134 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,919 Speaker 2: No, I had no patience for it. So at the 135 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,720 Speaker 2: time I thought it was all him, and thinking back 136 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 2: now I'm like, oh yeah, it's definitely fifty to fifty. 137 00:07:02,279 --> 00:07:03,720 Speaker 2: But again that's. 138 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 1: Of growth and like introspection, and that's that's really important. 139 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 1: I think. You know, I always say like, of course 140 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,320 Speaker 1: in marriage, none of us are one hundred percent of 141 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:17,360 Speaker 1: the problem, but even if you're only five percent of 142 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,840 Speaker 1: the problem, you have to take one hundred percent responsibility 143 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: for your five percent. So to realize that, like, oh yeah, 144 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: I contributed to the breakdown of this, I contributed to 145 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 1: this tense environment. It's not to blame shift or it's 146 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 1: not again to condemn or if there's a wife listening, 147 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: that's like, well, my husband's actually the one. This is 148 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 1: not like us trying to say that you're the problem. 149 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: But I think to really be honest with ourselves and say, 150 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,560 Speaker 1: how am I contributing. Maybe I'm claiming up, maybe I'm 151 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,840 Speaker 1: not standing up for myself. Maybe I don't have boundaries. 152 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: So the interest you say something on your website that 153 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:53,320 Speaker 1: I think is really key again to you understanding what 154 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: it feels like to be in a hopeless, loveless marriage, 155 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: and you ask this question to why, you say, are 156 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,080 Speaker 1: you tired of always being the one to give in, 157 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: stay silent, and pretend like nothing is wrong in your 158 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: marriage just to avoid a fight. I talk to wives 159 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 1: like that all the time, especially the pretending like nothing 160 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,360 Speaker 1: is wrong, because a lot of times people don't want 161 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 1: anyone to know, like what's really going on in their marriage. 162 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 1: So how do you get from that place of I'm feeling, like, 163 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,560 Speaker 1: you know, all of this anxiety, I'm feeling all of 164 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,160 Speaker 1: this aggression toward my husband. Now we're separating because now 165 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,640 Speaker 1: the man that he'd left, he's gone. How did you 166 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: get from that to understanding that, Okay, I have a 167 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 1: responsibility and I can actually do some things to to 168 00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 1: reconcile my marriage, because I mean, it wasn't like he 169 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: was just threatening to lead. He physically left. So yeah, 170 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,200 Speaker 1: what was what was your first step? If I can ask, 171 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:55,560 Speaker 1: like to reconcile the marriage again? Prayer? 172 00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:58,679 Speaker 2: What else? 173 00:08:58,880 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: Right? 174 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,840 Speaker 2: I mean, he was gone. It was nothing I could die. 175 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,079 Speaker 2: I had already air quotes, tried all the things, and 176 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:12,839 Speaker 2: I'll I'll say this before he left, before he left, 177 00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 2: because I was in prayer the entire time. God was 178 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 2: already starting to show me the things I needed to change. 179 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 2: So he was starting to see them in me before 180 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,840 Speaker 2: he left. And I think when he left, he was 181 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 2: like what was that about, right, Like he said, I'm 182 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,320 Speaker 2: just waiting for the other shoe to drop? You just 183 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 2: being nice now, right? And so there was that piece. 184 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,439 Speaker 2: So I think there are so many layers to the story. 185 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 2: So the wife who's tired, I was tired too. Yeah, 186 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 2: those words that's how I felt, right, That's why they're 187 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 2: on my websites because I was there. I was tired 188 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,120 Speaker 2: of being like, oh yeah, everything is a literally everyone 189 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 2: thought we had that happy marriage. 190 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: Right. 191 00:10:03,679 --> 00:10:07,720 Speaker 2: I wouldn't tell people because then they might not like him, right, 192 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 2: No one, no one in church. That's why they were like, 193 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,680 Speaker 2: oh no, never, that he would never you guys know 194 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,480 Speaker 2: what are you talking about? And I'm like, okay, right, 195 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:20,679 Speaker 2: But it was my fault because I in my effort 196 00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:25,440 Speaker 2: to protect my husband and our marriage, which I think 197 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:26,920 Speaker 2: there is a lot of value in that. 198 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:27,600 Speaker 1: Right. 199 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 2: You can't just share what's going on with any old person. Yeah, 200 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 2: No one knew, and it felt really lonely. And the 201 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 2: minute that, like I said, before the minute that the 202 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 2: Holy Spirit was like it's happening, like he's going, and 203 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,560 Speaker 2: that I knew before my husband knew, so the Holy 204 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 2: Spirit was like He's going like this, this is what's 205 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,839 Speaker 2: happening right now that from that moment, I was like okay, right, 206 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,559 Speaker 2: And I had already been in prayer because I was like, Lord, 207 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:03,719 Speaker 2: what to do? So that was my first signal of 208 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,360 Speaker 2: like where to go because back then, this was maybe 209 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:10,040 Speaker 2: fifteen years ago, so there was no podcasts. There was 210 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 2: maybe there was some books, coaches, it was no such thing. Right, 211 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 2: we had already tried therapy. I hated my therapist because 212 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,560 Speaker 2: she because a therapists job. I'm a therapist now because 213 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 2: of this journey, right, and a therapist's job is to 214 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:27,200 Speaker 2: hold you guys equal, and so she would kind of 215 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 2: hold up a mirror to me and I didn't like that. 216 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,360 Speaker 2: So I hated her, and so then I needed God 217 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 2: to hold up that mirror. 218 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: You know, prayer cannot be underestimated. Like, yeah, I love 219 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,280 Speaker 1: that you said that. I didn't start with therapy. I 220 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,080 Speaker 1: didn't start with a podcast because there were none. I 221 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,080 Speaker 1: didn't start with some external thing. I started with prayer. 222 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: And if you're listening right now and you're thinking, well, yeah, 223 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,199 Speaker 1: but what else, like that is your lifeline? That is 224 00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,319 Speaker 1: your lifeline, whether you feel like you're strong in your faith, 225 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 1: whether you are new to faith. There is a God 226 00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: who loves you, who sees you, who knows, who sees 227 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: everything from all angles, that if you would just open 228 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,440 Speaker 1: your heart to him, and if you would pour out 229 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,840 Speaker 1: your heart to him, he can do miraculous things. So 230 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: I really want to get into you know a lot 231 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:17,160 Speaker 1: of the work that you do, Beatrice around communication and conflict, 232 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: and you have something really cool that you're going to 233 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: be sharing with us about how every argument that you 234 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,120 Speaker 1: can never have boils down to one of five questions. 235 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: So we're going to get into that. First, we have 236 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,040 Speaker 1: to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor. 237 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,200 Speaker 1: While we're on break, everybody, I know y'all don't listen 238 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: to ads like I don't listen to ads either, So 239 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 1: sorry to our sponsors out they're listening, but take the 240 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:41,880 Speaker 1: time right now to give this podcast a review. Beatrice 241 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,000 Speaker 1: is going to share at the end of her website 242 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,679 Speaker 1: and where you can find these questions. So just settle in. 243 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,760 Speaker 1: We have to take a quick break. We'll be right back. 244 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,839 Speaker 1: Before we get to that part, I'm breaking into the 245 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: episode real quick with some super exciting news. The audiobook 246 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,560 Speaker 1: for Tried and True Marriage Advice in Perfect Biblical Couples 247 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: is now available you all. This is my love offering 248 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,679 Speaker 1: to you. I am narrating the book and also and 249 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: after every chapter, I'm sharing some really personal reflections, things 250 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: that you won't get in the paperback or the kindle edition. 251 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,720 Speaker 1: This is me sharing my thoughts, some more of our stories, 252 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: and surprise, surprise, Sean actually agreed to share some of 253 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,839 Speaker 1: these reflections with me. So you'll be hearing from him. 254 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: You'll be hearing his version of things in this audiobook. 255 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,199 Speaker 1: I really wanted to make this a beautiful listener experience, 256 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,040 Speaker 1: so there's gonna be music again, You're gonna have some 257 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,800 Speaker 1: additional elements. So if you maybe already have the paperback 258 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,720 Speaker 1: or the kindle but you've been waiting for the audiobook, 259 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 1: or maybe you didn't get the paperback or the kindle 260 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,680 Speaker 1: bookcause you've been waiting for the audiobook, the wait is over, 261 00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 1: So be sure to go to Tried and True Marriage 262 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,959 Speaker 1: book dot com. You can also find that everywhere books 263 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,800 Speaker 1: are sold, but the easiest way is to go to 264 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: Tried and True Marriage Book dot com. I not wait 265 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,920 Speaker 1: for you to listen to this. I absolutely loved recording it, 266 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,200 Speaker 1: and I know you're gonna love listening to it. Tried 267 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:14,960 Speaker 1: in True Marriage Book dot Com. Okay, everybody, we are back. 268 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,440 Speaker 1: I'm here with Beatrice Vargas. We are talking about how 269 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: it feels to be in a hopeless, loveless marriage, but 270 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 1: more importantly, how that marriage can be restored. Beatrice has 271 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 1: a restoration marriage story that is amazing one for the books, 272 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,960 Speaker 1: and she's also here to share with us how every argument, 273 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:35,080 Speaker 1: listen to this, every argument she says that you can 274 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,080 Speaker 1: ever have with your spouse, boiled down to one of 275 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,080 Speaker 1: five questions. So, Beatrice, we are dying to know, first 276 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,720 Speaker 1: of all, before we even get into the question for 277 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,760 Speaker 1: that wife who's like, there's no way, there's no way. 278 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: She doesn't even know what we're arguing about. She has 279 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: no idea what my story is. How are you so 280 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,400 Speaker 1: confident that every argument boils down to one of these 281 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,120 Speaker 1: five questions. 282 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 2: That's a good question. I'm pretty confident because as a 283 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 2: marriage therapist, I say this to my clients, they give 284 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,680 Speaker 2: me the same look, yeah right, yeah, okay, and then 285 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,880 Speaker 2: I give them the five questions and they're like, oh man, 286 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:16,000 Speaker 2: can you send me those five questions. And that's why 287 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:20,000 Speaker 2: I'm so because all it's about all conflicts. It doesn't 288 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:25,119 Speaker 2: matter if you are arguing about toilet paper or infidelity, 289 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 2: he didn't put gas in the car or you know 290 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 2: some he lied to me about our finances and when 291 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 2: I max out all the cards, right, and so I'm 292 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 2: just talking about like the two major extremes. 293 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, of what a fight is. 294 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,280 Speaker 2: Now you've got these like huge, big fights that are 295 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,760 Speaker 2: that are betrayal that's really hard for people to come 296 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 2: back from. And then you have the everyday stuff and 297 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 2: disconnected marriages don't start because of the big stuff. 298 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 1: Come on, Yeah, it's the everyday stuff. 299 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 2: It's the it's when and these five questions. The answer 300 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 2: is no to one or more of these five questions 301 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 2: every day compounded, and then it starts to feel empty, 302 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,720 Speaker 2: disconnected like roommates. 303 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,840 Speaker 1: So share with us, what are these questions? 304 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 2: So, so the first question is kind of the big one. 305 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:27,320 Speaker 2: Are you there for me? Can I count on you 306 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:32,400 Speaker 2: to respond when I need you? In a small thing, 307 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 2: I texted you. 308 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: I was at the grocery store. 309 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 2: You asked me to get my husband, you asked me 310 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 2: for lemons, and I texted you because I needed to 311 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,920 Speaker 2: know how many lemons that you needed and you didn't 312 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:44,720 Speaker 2: text me back. 313 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, so simple. 314 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,800 Speaker 2: That doesn't need to be a fight, right, And ninety 315 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 2: nine percent of the time it's not. But in a 316 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 2: moment where he comes in and maybe he's activated or 317 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,400 Speaker 2: he's having a bad day, and I don't get back 318 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 2: to him, I needed you, or I was stopped, something happened. 319 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,000 Speaker 2: I needed you. You didn't pick up, you didn't call 320 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 2: me back, you didn't whatever fill in the blank. I 321 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:18,119 Speaker 2: needed you, And that little thing can turn into something big. 322 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,280 Speaker 2: Are you there for me? Number two? Do I matter 323 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:29,840 Speaker 2: to you? Am I valued and important in your life? 324 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: Wow? 325 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 2: What does that look like in small arguments or everyday 326 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:36,160 Speaker 2: kind of stuff? Here we go again. 327 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,080 Speaker 1: We're late, We're late. 328 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,440 Speaker 2: We are late again. You know every time, babe, that 329 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,240 Speaker 2: we got this thing to go to. You know how 330 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:48,440 Speaker 2: anxious it makes me when you are late and when 331 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,080 Speaker 2: you take your time doing your hair, put in your lashes, 332 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:52,639 Speaker 2: because I'm the one who gets you other that for 333 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 2: being late. So right, I feel like I don't matter, 334 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: Like the fact that I'm sitting over you're anxious is 335 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 2: not important to you. That argument sounds different, right, Yeah? 336 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,960 Speaker 2: But it's so common. 337 00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:11,159 Speaker 1: Yeah, I was gonna say, you know, the value piece 338 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: is huge. I remember having a conversation with one of 339 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,600 Speaker 1: my clients once and she said, and they had a 340 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,800 Speaker 1: decent marriage, but she said, I want to feel cherished 341 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 1: by my husband. And I was like, I love that 342 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,560 Speaker 1: word cherished, And I think that like for some wives, 343 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:29,520 Speaker 1: they can't necessarily articulate that's what they're looking for. But 344 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,840 Speaker 1: that's what when I heard your question, that's the first 345 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,720 Speaker 1: answer that came to my mind is am I cherished? Like? 346 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,600 Speaker 1: Do I matter? Exactly? What you said? Like? Am I 347 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,040 Speaker 1: valuable to you? Am I worth your time? Am I 348 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 1: worth you looking up from your phone when I'm having 349 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,879 Speaker 1: a conversation with you? Am I worth you giving me 350 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,880 Speaker 1: your attention? Am I worth you coming home on time? Yeah? 351 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,639 Speaker 1: So I'm hoping that you all are hearing, like maybe 352 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 1: even in some of the disagreements that you're having currently 353 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: with your spouse, is like, that's really what I'm asking, Like, 354 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: that's really what I'm getting after. Yeah, that's really good. 355 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:09,960 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's how this comes into every single disagreement because 356 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:15,200 Speaker 2: we don't even realize that we are not feeling valued. 357 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, at first. 358 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,880 Speaker 2: That it was a whole thing. I could go into 359 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 2: the components of every argument, right, and where it gets 360 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,640 Speaker 2: to this point where it's a fork in the road, 361 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,720 Speaker 2: and the answers to these five questions are either gonna 362 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 2: be yes and then there is no argument, or it's 363 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,680 Speaker 2: gonna be no right. And so that and here, as 364 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,080 Speaker 2: you were saying when you said valued, something else came 365 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,119 Speaker 2: up for me that I think is really relevant for 366 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:48,040 Speaker 2: this audience. We as Christian, as Christians, right, especially Christian women, 367 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 2: are constantly told, you know, we got to do more, 368 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,560 Speaker 2: submit more, pray harder, do this, do that, you hold 369 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 2: the temperature in the home. He may be the head, 370 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 2: but you're the next. I mean, we've heard all the 371 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:06,320 Speaker 2: things right, yeah, yeah, And when that happens, we might 372 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,640 Speaker 2: often or might you know, a lot of us will 373 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:14,880 Speaker 2: have a tendency to over spiritualized things. So now incomes 374 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:19,119 Speaker 2: spiritual bypass. So here we are worried about our value. 375 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 2: We don't even know that we're worried about our value. 376 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,040 Speaker 2: And where do we go. I know our value because 377 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,920 Speaker 2: I know my worth and I know my identity in 378 00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 2: Jesus Christ. And you're like, I know you do. But 379 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:36,280 Speaker 2: God created us for connection and your husband. Is not 380 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:40,680 Speaker 2: a sin to be wanted and want to feel valued 381 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,080 Speaker 2: by your husband, because that's why God created you. 382 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: That's right, that's. 383 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,200 Speaker 2: Right, that's not a sin, and that's okay. And I 384 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 2: like to pause there because I've heard many a wife 385 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 2: who is in a disconnected marriage, who is afraid of 386 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 2: admitting that she's in disconnected marriage and afraid of admitting 387 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 2: that there is more for her in her marriage because 388 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,760 Speaker 2: she and that's how that's the I don't want to 389 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,960 Speaker 2: say excuse, because it is true, right, but that's the 390 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 2: that's the line that she gives to tell and she 391 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:25,239 Speaker 2: tells herself to try to make herself feel better. But 392 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,680 Speaker 2: that doesn't erase the pain of feeling unvalued by your husband. 393 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and if I can offer, you know, even 394 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:34,480 Speaker 1: on the flip side, where I've heard from women Christian 395 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,879 Speaker 1: women who have said, because my husband doesn't value me, 396 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:40,760 Speaker 1: I'm out like, I don't, I don't, I don't want 397 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,600 Speaker 1: to stay on this marriage because he doesn't deserve me, 398 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,640 Speaker 1: because he doesn't value me, And I'm like, we all 399 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,560 Speaker 1: want to be valued, right, So it's like, where do 400 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: we find the middle ground. I don't believe that you 401 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,800 Speaker 1: not feeling valued is a biblical reason for divorce. I 402 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: don't see that in scripture. However, we don't want to 403 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,600 Speaker 1: just encourage women just stay and pray and just you know, 404 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,879 Speaker 1: hope for the best and like there's things that they 405 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,879 Speaker 1: can do. But I think, whether you're feeling unvalued and 406 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,199 Speaker 1: you feel like, you know, I'm just going to keep 407 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,480 Speaker 1: this to myself because it's a sin, maybe I shouldn't 408 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,640 Speaker 1: even be thinking these thoughts, or whether you're like I'm 409 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,679 Speaker 1: feeling devalued and I'm out of here. There's a better 410 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,919 Speaker 1: middle ground. And yeah, but I think the first step 411 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 1: is to at least acknowledge that this is how you feel, 412 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,080 Speaker 1: this is fueling some of these arguments and disagreements that 413 00:22:26,119 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 1: you're having. Yeah, okay, Yeah, that's good. All right, So 414 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:29,160 Speaker 1: that's sumber three. 415 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 2: That's only that was actually the only question two. 416 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: Question two? Oh yeah, we have three? 417 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,880 Speaker 2: Okay, So number three? Will you come when I call? 418 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 2: Are you mostly accessible and willing to engage with me? 419 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:41,560 Speaker 1: Right? 420 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:47,359 Speaker 2: I want to talk? Right? How many times you know 421 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 2: we don't talk and the husband's like, oh my god, 422 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 2: what do we gotta talk about? We've been together for 423 00:22:55,920 --> 00:23:01,679 Speaker 2: thirty years. There's nothing left to talk about right you 424 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,320 Speaker 2: both of you like you want to feel engaged? Yeah, 425 00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,640 Speaker 2: how does this happen? On the flip side? Husband comes 426 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,359 Speaker 2: home from work and he's looking like he's had a 427 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,720 Speaker 2: rough day and I'm stressed, I'm feeling burnt out this 428 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:19,159 Speaker 2: that Oh okay, bab, I'm sorry, and you go about 429 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 2: your day. That's how he That's that's how it happens 430 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:29,440 Speaker 2: for him instead of everything okay, like what's going on? 431 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: Tell me more what happened? Yeah? Yeah, And some men 432 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 1: don't necessarily know. And this is not an excuse, but 433 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:38,280 Speaker 1: I'm I'm just trying to be real here. Some men 434 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 1: don't necessarily know how to say, hey, I had a 435 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,919 Speaker 1: bad day at work. So they might come home and 436 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,920 Speaker 1: be agitated with you, or they might come home and 437 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,919 Speaker 1: or even on the phone. You know, you text them, 438 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:49,920 Speaker 1: they don't text you back, or you know, they come 439 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,959 Speaker 1: home and they're angry. And so I think it takes. 440 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 1: And that's why I love that your brand is the 441 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,680 Speaker 1: Grace Fueled Wife, because I think we have to give 442 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,480 Speaker 1: each other lots and lots of great And I am 443 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: not great at this. I will admit, like if I'm huge, 444 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,880 Speaker 1: I am a huge proponent of communication, and we are 445 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: all adults. You need to learn how to talk about 446 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,280 Speaker 1: your feelings and not display your feelings, right, So I 447 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: get it, But I also think, as I'm talking to 448 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: myself and our listeners sometimes like, instead of you responding 449 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:26,919 Speaker 1: to that behavior, understand that maybe he's not able to 450 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 1: communicate with his words that I'm having a bad day, 451 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: and so he's communicating that with his actions. And so 452 00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,919 Speaker 1: it takes a grace Field wife to be able to 453 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,199 Speaker 1: look beyond the actions or the behavior and see behind 454 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 1: that and say, Okay, is there something that you want 455 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 1: to talk about. I have to do this with Sean 456 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 1: a lot because Seawn doesn't necessarily come straight out and 457 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:48,440 Speaker 1: be like, let me process my feelings with you. Most 458 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,199 Speaker 1: husbands don't, right, So what I have to do a 459 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,159 Speaker 1: lot of times is be like, hey, are we okay? 460 00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: Are you good? Is something bothering you? And sometimes even 461 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,639 Speaker 1: those like and genuinely be interested and not like are 462 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,760 Speaker 1: you all right? Like it's something wrong? You know what 463 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,320 Speaker 1: I mean? Because the tone is huge, what's wrong with you? Right? 464 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: What's wrong with you? Why are you coming to here? 465 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: Coming at me like that? I haven't done nothing to you, 466 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:13,320 Speaker 1: you know, that's probably before me too, So so yeah, 467 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,159 Speaker 1: I love that you know about Like it's not just 468 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:20,280 Speaker 1: us as wives who want to know are you accessible? 469 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,800 Speaker 1: But like husbands also have the same question, So is 470 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,800 Speaker 1: that correct? Like the five questions that you're given us, 471 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:29,080 Speaker 1: these are both like husbands and wives are asking these. Okay, great, 472 00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:29,960 Speaker 1: they're universal. 473 00:25:30,119 --> 00:25:36,560 Speaker 2: They're not even just husbands and wives. Your kids. When 474 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:40,879 Speaker 2: your kids feel disconnected from you, it's these five questions. 475 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,720 Speaker 2: So really quick, I realized as I was talking about 476 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:46,919 Speaker 2: the five questions, I can't take credit for these five questions. 477 00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:50,240 Speaker 2: I'm an EFT therapist. Sue Johnson is the creator of 478 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,119 Speaker 2: ef T, so they it comes from what ef T is. 479 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:54,640 Speaker 1: For those who don't know, thank you. Yeah. 480 00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,680 Speaker 2: Ef T is emostly focused therapy. It's based on attachment 481 00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:05,400 Speaker 2: signed so it again Cliff notes thirty second version. When 482 00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 2: we were little, our primary caregivers usually it's mom, but 483 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:15,919 Speaker 2: our primary caregivers either were there for us vably. She 484 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 2: was always there. You scrape your knee, your whatever, Mom's 485 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 2: there to console you. It doesn't even have to be 486 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 2: one hundred percent of the time, but most of the 487 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 2: time she was there. Doesn't even require that you be 488 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:32,160 Speaker 2: a perfect parent. Sometimes your caregiver was not right. They 489 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:36,760 Speaker 2: either emotionally, whatever was not there. And so when that happens, 490 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,880 Speaker 2: we have we grew up with these insecurities, and that 491 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,639 Speaker 2: then goes into adulthood. So we need to feel safe 492 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,679 Speaker 2: and secure again. We've created for connection, which is actually 493 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,440 Speaker 2: the title of one of Sue's books. We were created 494 00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 2: for connection. And when we are no longer you know, 495 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 2: when we become an adult and we get married, our 496 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,200 Speaker 2: spouse is that attacked figure. Our spouse is our person, 497 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:06,040 Speaker 2: the most important person in your life. And so when 498 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 2: there is danger or rupture to that relationship, everything is off. 499 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 2: And that danger could be something as little as you know, 500 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 2: like that thing you know when the husband like his 501 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 2: size and you just know he's pissed it to you 502 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,320 Speaker 2: or something or whatever, and you're like, what what what now? 503 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:23,680 Speaker 1: Right? 504 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,680 Speaker 2: I've literally seen couples get in arguments in my office 505 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,960 Speaker 2: for them right because the wife knows the minute she 506 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,680 Speaker 2: hears him breathe like that is exasperated, you know. And 507 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 2: that's how small it could be. That's why I said, 508 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,320 Speaker 2: it doesn't matter any argument you tell me it's one 509 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,880 Speaker 2: of these five questions. The big stuff is obvious. It's 510 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 2: the little stuff. It's noticing in the little stuff. Wow, 511 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 2: what what did that just trigger in me? Right? 512 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:50,480 Speaker 1: What need. 513 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 2: Was not met in that moment? That was triggered just now? 514 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:59,879 Speaker 2: And that's what these all come down to. So yes, absolutely, husband, 515 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:05,240 Speaker 2: wives doesn't matter, gender, right, kids doesn't matter. It's everybody. 516 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 2: We have a need for that connection and security and 517 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,120 Speaker 2: without it, our body goes into like fight or flight. 518 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,679 Speaker 1: That's right. Yeah, okay, awesome, all right? 519 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:19,119 Speaker 2: Number four Yeah, okay, number four? Do you need me? 520 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,200 Speaker 2: Do I make a difference in your life? Do you 521 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:27,320 Speaker 2: depend on me too? Right? So that one is like 522 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 2: ough right, And this one is funny because I think 523 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:37,120 Speaker 2: most not most. I don't want to generalize, a lot 524 00:28:37,119 --> 00:28:39,800 Speaker 2: of wives feel like, oh, I know my husband needs me. 525 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,440 Speaker 2: Right if I leave the house, it's a disaster. Like 526 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 2: I know he needs me, he says it, you know whatever. Men, 527 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:57,640 Speaker 2: so many men don't necessarily feel needed by us because 528 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 2: we are really good at whole things together, really good, 529 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:08,280 Speaker 2: sometimes so good that we don't rely on him. That 530 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 2: was my big issue. I didn't need him need air quotes. 531 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 2: I did not, And I my real big issue was 532 00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,640 Speaker 2: I would tell him that when I was upset. I 533 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 2: don't need you. I make more money than you, and 534 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 2: not on purpose, but maybe right he would start to 535 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,760 Speaker 2: feel emasculated. Yeah, you don't need me. I don't even 536 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:33,640 Speaker 2: know if you like me. 537 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: Like why am I here? 538 00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:35,320 Speaker 2: Then? 539 00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 1: What do you? 540 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 2: Yeah? 541 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:38,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean all my goodness beach, just like I 542 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: can totally relate to this. I remember when I was 543 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:42,600 Speaker 1: working at the church full time, we were in a 544 00:29:42,640 --> 00:29:44,600 Speaker 1: staff meeting. I'm in this meeting with I don't know 545 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: twenty other pastors and directors and I literally said to them, 546 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,720 Speaker 1: I don't need my husband. And I wasn't. There was 547 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 1: no like animosity in my voice, there was no but 548 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,400 Speaker 1: I was so convinced that I don't need him, like 549 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,360 Speaker 1: I'm glad that he there. And I would even say 550 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: this to him. I would again would not be in 551 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,040 Speaker 1: like an argumentative tone, but I'd be like, hey, I'm 552 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 1: glad you're here, like welcome to the to the party here, 553 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:10,720 Speaker 1: but like I don't need you. You know, I'm again 554 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,200 Speaker 1: I'm grateful here. And I thought that that was good. 555 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,440 Speaker 1: I did not realize the damage that that was doing. 556 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,640 Speaker 1: And to even hear my husband say like, well, Dana 557 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:23,720 Speaker 1: doesn't need me and so what happens. And again, this 558 00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: is absolutely no justification for infidelity or mistreatment in any way. 559 00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:32,040 Speaker 1: But if you have a man who feels like I'm 560 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,480 Speaker 1: not needed at home, but I'm needed at work, He's 561 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: going to spend more time at work. I'm not needed 562 00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:41,960 Speaker 1: by my wife, but this damn soul in distress says 563 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: Lolita over here needs me. Then where's he's going to 564 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:50,440 Speaker 1: go where he feels needed? And so that is hard 565 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:54,280 Speaker 1: for strong independence type A women like us, right, high 566 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:58,440 Speaker 1: capacity leaders like is very difficult for us to say 567 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 1: I actually do need my husband. And I'll just tell 568 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:06,880 Speaker 1: you quick testimony for me, probably over the last two years, 569 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 1: since I've been in full time entrepreneurship three years, three 570 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:13,080 Speaker 1: and a half years or so, I have really relied 571 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: on my husband more than I ever have. I was 572 00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,360 Speaker 1: at a speaking engagement last week in Oregon, and you know, 573 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 1: and I'm very like, you know, I've got my ducks 574 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: in a row. I've done this, you know a million times. 575 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:25,000 Speaker 1: I know what I'm doing. And this was the first 576 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 1: business trip that Sean came on with me, and so 577 00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: I know how to do all the things right. But 578 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:32,680 Speaker 1: he was like, let me handle your book table let 579 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,560 Speaker 1: me get all this, And I had to like release 580 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: that and realize I need him on every trip. I 581 00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:41,600 Speaker 1: need him with me. I need him, I need his support, 582 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,640 Speaker 1: I need his encouragement, I need his presence we have 583 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:48,400 Speaker 1: fun together. I need him, I really do. And that 584 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: was like a light bulb moment for me, Like I 585 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:54,160 Speaker 1: was starting to realize that before, but like this trip 586 00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,960 Speaker 1: made it obvious that. And it doesn't mean that you're 587 00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,200 Speaker 1: less of a woman. It doesn't mean that you're less 588 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,040 Speaker 1: or a husband you might feeling is doesn't mean that 589 00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 1: you're less than that. You're like somehow you know you 590 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,040 Speaker 1: can't function in your life. But God gave us our 591 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:11,320 Speaker 1: spouses because we need help, we need each other. So yeah, 592 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,120 Speaker 1: I love this question so much. I think that this 593 00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,400 Speaker 1: is probably one of those that really can go like 594 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: under the radar because it takes a lot of vulnerability 595 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,440 Speaker 1: to even admit I need you. 596 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,880 Speaker 2: Yeah. Because also, uh, it's almost a bad word. Oh 597 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:30,920 Speaker 2: you're too needy, right, So there is a difference you 598 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 2: were talking before about balance, there's a difference about being 599 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 2: too needy. So that doesn't mean right, this question is 600 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,520 Speaker 2: not a license to then go ahead and then be 601 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 2: super needy. Yeah, right, you can stand on your own. 602 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 2: That is okay, right, you are a highly capable woman. 603 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 2: I'm a highly capable woman. God forbids something were to 604 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:59,719 Speaker 2: happen to my husband, I would be okay, right, I 605 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 2: get that. But it wasn't until I walked into that 606 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 2: empty apartment that I realized how much I really needed. 607 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,360 Speaker 1: Him in my life. 608 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 2: Well, right, that how much my heart was just crushed. 609 00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:18,000 Speaker 2: And that's that's the part, ladies, that I want you 610 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:23,040 Speaker 2: to think about, is that, Yeah, I know you are 611 00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:27,920 Speaker 2: smart and successful and driven and highly capable, and maybe 612 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:30,640 Speaker 2: in a lot of the things, technically you don't need him, 613 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:35,640 Speaker 2: but your heart does and that's what he needs to know. 614 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:40,840 Speaker 1: That's good, right, Yeah, so good? All right. 615 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 2: Last one, there's a good one. Will you be there 616 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:50,800 Speaker 2: for me when I'm vulnerable? Can I turn to you 617 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 2: when I'm hurting, scared or unsure? And that one gave 618 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 2: me chill And I read these questions all the time. 619 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 2: But the reason that one gave me chills is because 620 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 2: so often, when conflict escalates, it can't even get to 621 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 2: the vulnerable place because you and your husband go into 622 00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 2: a place that protects you. Yeah, and so when you 623 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:30,000 Speaker 2: argue when you get defensive or reactive or anything. That's 624 00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:33,319 Speaker 2: a place of protection, right, that place where you didn't 625 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,360 Speaker 2: even mean it in a bad way of like I 626 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,799 Speaker 2: don't need my husband, or I'm glad you're here, but 627 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 2: I don't need you. That wasn't you weren't intending to 628 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:47,359 Speaker 2: cause harm, right, but it was your protection. Because if 629 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:51,279 Speaker 2: you really let yourself sit with the fact of like, 630 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:55,919 Speaker 2: sit with how much you need him, that's terrifying, right, 631 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:00,960 Speaker 2: And that's the thing. So the vulnerable part is getting 632 00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:05,719 Speaker 2: to the place of like, oh, this is terrifying, and 633 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 2: I don't want to share it because if I share it, 634 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,879 Speaker 2: I might be rejected, he might not meet me there. 635 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:15,600 Speaker 2: And so so often we don't even get to the 636 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,840 Speaker 2: point of vulnerability because we're so afraid that the answer 637 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:23,839 Speaker 2: is none. And maybe your husband has never even had 638 00:35:23,840 --> 00:35:28,440 Speaker 2: the opportunity to be there for you, right to like 639 00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:32,279 Speaker 2: to hold you when you're vulnerable, because you've never let 640 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:37,080 Speaker 2: him in and vice versa, right, because maybe growing up 641 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,440 Speaker 2: you were never able to be vulnerable as a kid, 642 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:42,080 Speaker 2: and so you don't even know how to do that, 643 00:35:43,239 --> 00:35:46,799 Speaker 2: And that is why it's so powerful. That's why I'm like, Nope, 644 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:50,680 Speaker 2: this covers every single argument you can and we'll ever have. 645 00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 2: And guess what, it covers the arguments you haven't even 646 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:57,480 Speaker 2: had yet. Yeah, because this one is something you probably 647 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:01,279 Speaker 2: don't even know. You haven't even had that argument yet 648 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,920 Speaker 2: because it never gets a chance to get there. 649 00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:08,759 Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, Beatrice is I'm listening to you. I 650 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:11,799 Speaker 1: think I'm thinking about so many of my clients right now, 651 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:14,440 Speaker 1: and like I just want to like hug them because 652 00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:18,000 Speaker 1: you know, and even in my own marriage, I think, 653 00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:20,000 Speaker 1: you know, I believe this. I've said this so many times. 654 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: I believe that most of us are doing the best 655 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,080 Speaker 1: job that we know how to do. But this is 656 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,600 Speaker 1: why these conversations like conversations like this are so helpful, 657 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,440 Speaker 1: because when people really take a step back and say, Okay, 658 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,880 Speaker 1: we're not arguing about bills, we're not arguing about discipline, 659 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: we're not arguing about a loveless marriage, we're not arguing 660 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,080 Speaker 1: about my needs not being met. Really, what's behind all 661 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:47,200 Speaker 1: of that are these five questions that you just shared. 662 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 1: I don't feel valued, I don't feel seen, I don't 663 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:54,000 Speaker 1: feel like you're accessible. I don't feel safe enough to 664 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:58,719 Speaker 1: be vulnerable with you, Like I hope that those of 665 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:02,640 Speaker 1: you who are listening pause this, come back and re 666 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:06,799 Speaker 1: listen to this episode because Beatrice, you've shared so much 667 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,000 Speaker 1: wisdom And actually, you guys don't even have to listen 668 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:12,640 Speaker 1: to this episode again, I want you to, but Beatrice 669 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,320 Speaker 1: is going to give you these five questions. So Beatrice 670 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:18,200 Speaker 1: shared with us about how they can access you, how 671 00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:19,880 Speaker 1: they can access this information. 672 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I can be found on all the socials. 673 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:26,200 Speaker 2: Certainly the podcast to the best Place is and that's 674 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,400 Speaker 2: just the Grace Fueled Wife and the Questions, right, So 675 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,719 Speaker 2: if you want to find me to either listen or 676 00:37:33,760 --> 00:37:35,560 Speaker 2: know more more about me, it's going to be at 677 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:38,880 Speaker 2: the Grace Fueld Wife. And if you want the actual questions, 678 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,640 Speaker 2: that's going to be at the Gracefueldwife dot com. 679 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:46,000 Speaker 1: Forward slash Questions Easy the gracefield Wife dot Com Forward 680 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,920 Speaker 1: slash Questions. You, guys, make sure you download those questions 681 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:52,239 Speaker 1: and have good conversations with your spouse about them. I 682 00:37:52,239 --> 00:37:54,520 Speaker 1: think this is going to be really revolutionary for you 683 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:56,520 Speaker 1: all as you begin to really talk about like what 684 00:37:56,640 --> 00:38:00,000 Speaker 1: is behind the disconnection? Because Beatrice, you said it earlier 685 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,960 Speaker 1: and I totally agree, it's never the big thing like 686 00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:06,000 Speaker 1: we look at the big the manifestation of the disconnection 687 00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,919 Speaker 1: as the thing that's not it. It happened probably years ago, 688 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:14,080 Speaker 1: months ago, weeks ago, when these needs weren't being met, 689 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:17,520 Speaker 1: these questions weren't being answered. So thank you so much 690 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,520 Speaker 1: for what you shared. This has been a really, really 691 00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,640 Speaker 1: wise and I think very empowering conversation and I hope 692 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,359 Speaker 1: that you all really take this to heart and let 693 00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:29,040 Speaker 1: it change the way to communicate with your spouse. So Beatrice, 694 00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:30,400 Speaker 1: thank you so much for being with us today. So 695 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,560 Speaker 1: appreciate having me got absolutely