1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Life audio. 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 2: We all need to work just a little bit harder 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:14,760 Speaker 2: at resting and contentment, realizing that sometimes marriage seems like 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:18,959 Speaker 2: a spectator sport. But in a culture that encourages us 5 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,920 Speaker 2: to find our own happiness, fulfill ourselves given to what 6 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 2: brings pleasure, lasting relationships must take a different approach, and 7 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 2: true selflessness is a reflection of God's character. Although recent 8 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,839 Speaker 2: poles seem to indicate an equal divorce rate between Christians 9 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 2: and non Christians, this is not exactly true. People who 10 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:45,720 Speaker 2: identify as Christian but rarely attend church have about a 11 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 2: sixty percent divorce rate, while those who attend church regularly 12 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 2: only about thirty eight to forty percent have been divorced. 13 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 2: But it's easy to get caught up in the tyranny 14 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 2: of the urgent and forget the very angry dience that 15 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 2: build a healthy marriage. So today we're going to be 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 2: talking about the role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage. 17 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:15,120 Speaker 2: Will return momentarily and continue our discussion after this briefforward 18 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:21,240 Speaker 2: from our sponsor. Welcome back to your hope filled perspective, 19 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,400 Speaker 2: where it's always our goal to restore hope, renew minds, 20 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,840 Speaker 2: and empower listeners. To live in your God given identity. 21 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:30,280 Speaker 2: I'm your host, doctor Michelle Bankson, and I think you're 22 00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 2: in for a treat today. Today we are going to 23 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 2: be talking about the role of unconditional respect in a 24 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 2: healthy marriage. And to talk about that is author Nina Rosner, 25 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:46,840 Speaker 2: author of The Respect There Forty Days to a Deeper 26 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 2: Connection with God and your Husband. She serves as the 27 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 2: executive director of Greater Impact Ministries. She has more than 28 00:01:54,080 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 2: twenty years of communications and training industry and has coached staff, pastors, executives, 29 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,280 Speaker 2: and managers. She and her husband and their three children 30 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 2: live near Cincinnati, Ohio. Welcome to the program, Nina. 31 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: Hey, is so great to be here. Thank you so much. 32 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:13,040 Speaker 2: I'm so glad that you're here today. We tried to 33 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 2: do this before, and circumstances prevented it. But you know, 34 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: I'm a firm believer that God's timing is perfect, and 35 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 2: so I just know that our conversation today is going 36 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,520 Speaker 2: to resonate with some people and they're going to take 37 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 2: away greater ways to have respect in the marriage. So 38 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 2: let's start off by talking about the fact that relationships, 39 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 2: sex and cohabitation are changing dramatically. What do you see 40 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 2: as the likely outcome for this in the church. 41 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:45,600 Speaker 1: Well, we've accepted all of that and a lot more, 42 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,280 Speaker 1: and it's and the data's never been good around it. 43 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:52,079 Speaker 1: People that live together have a higher incidence of divorce, 44 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,720 Speaker 1: and so then that's been true, and now that the 45 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: church is not. So let's say truthful about how that 46 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: should be done. And we are supposed to be accepting 47 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: of people and loving absolutely, but inocen and there's things 48 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: that we do that are not useful to relationships, and 49 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,960 Speaker 1: I think we should be honest about that. Living together 50 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,519 Speaker 1: is one of them. It lowers the commitment, it's part 51 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:20,560 Speaker 1: of the shopping experience, and we don't even our ministry 52 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,680 Speaker 1: greater impact. We do a lot of work with couples, 53 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,119 Speaker 1: we won't work with people that are living together. It's 54 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,960 Speaker 1: like none of this applies. That data doesn't work when 55 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,440 Speaker 1: you don't have a biblical covenant. And I've seen that 56 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: play out. We used to accept people that were living 57 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:37,360 Speaker 1: together into our courses and it doesn't work the same. 58 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,720 Speaker 1: So yeah, we just drew a line and said we're 59 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,560 Speaker 1: not playing. 60 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 2: I wish more churches, but draw the line and stick 61 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 2: with what the Bible says. My mother used to always 62 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 2: say that what is tolerated in one generation is accepted 63 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 2: in the next, and it saddens me that we're seeing 64 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 2: that even in the church, blurring the lines and not 65 00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:01,760 Speaker 2: standing on God's truth, because God's true is the very 66 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 2: best for us. Most people have heard the idea that 67 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 2: women need love and men need respect, but in reality, 68 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 2: don't we all need a combination of both. 69 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, I think the Bible uses that language to 70 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 1: communicate very specifically to husbands and wives about some very 71 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 1: specific stuff. Loving your wife, laying down your life for her, like. 72 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 1: Men need to be told, don't be so selfish, Like 73 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,960 Speaker 1: this is kind of real clear message there for them, 74 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 1: and I think that's great because that protective nature, they're 75 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,919 Speaker 1: going to take care of us if they know that 76 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,159 Speaker 1: they're supposed to do right. So what does that mean 77 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: for women? We love to be respected as well, But 78 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,360 Speaker 1: how many people do we see in marriage where the 79 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 1: wife morphs into the mom and it speaks to her 80 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,159 Speaker 1: husband in a demeaning way on the regular. So we 81 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,040 Speaker 1: need to be told that as well. It's really easy 82 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: to do. And your mothering little kid, it's all day 83 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 1: long to just treat him like one of them, and 84 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,520 Speaker 1: it feels the same sometimes because we don't understand men. 85 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,320 Speaker 1: So your teenager will leave the cup sitting on the counter. 86 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: Your husband might do the same. Think terribly of both 87 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:15,160 Speaker 1: of them. Okay, but how you handle that really really matters. 88 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:18,480 Speaker 1: Do you respect yourself and others in your relationship through 89 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,160 Speaker 1: your communication. I think we need to respect everybody and 90 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:22,560 Speaker 1: that's a lot anything to do. 91 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:27,599 Speaker 2: That's the key. It affects our communication and we can 92 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:33,240 Speaker 2: develop resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness over those little things that 93 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 2: then stack up and they morph into a life of 94 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,960 Speaker 2: their own, until one day the straw breaks and our 95 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,160 Speaker 2: spouse is left going that was not a big deal. 96 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 2: He could have just said, put your cup in the dishwasher. 97 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 2: But the truth is it's built up resentment over time 98 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,160 Speaker 2: because we don't communicate over the little things until they 99 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 2: become a big. 100 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:55,719 Speaker 1: Thing, right, And I think we're on the hook for that. 101 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: I'm responsible for my unforgiveness. I'm responsible for my resentment. 102 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: I made a choice not to communicate. And then somebody 103 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,920 Speaker 1: now is in the audience is saying, well, you don't 104 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,680 Speaker 1: understand what he does. It's like, well, here's the thing. 105 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,200 Speaker 1: If you have somebody who's reactive when you ask them 106 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,480 Speaker 1: to do something, understand that that's just them growing up. 107 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: Maturity happens at different levels in different timeframes. And when 108 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,680 Speaker 1: you ask somebody to act like an adult in a 109 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,080 Speaker 1: space and they're not mature there, they're going to act 110 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: like a two year old. That's what you get. Don't 111 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: make it about you, just don't. And you can also 112 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 1: deal with that differently as well. But we tend to 113 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,720 Speaker 1: take everything so personally. It's like most everything isn't about us, 114 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,599 Speaker 1: So especially stuff. 115 00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:37,560 Speaker 2: Like that, we do take things personally, and it seems 116 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,480 Speaker 2: maybe I'm wrong, but it just seems like over the 117 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 2: past decade we're more quick to take offense over things 118 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 2: that we really don't need to be offended over. All 119 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,120 Speaker 2: you have to do is turn to social media and 120 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 2: see how quickly people are offended. If anyone had a 121 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 2: right to be offended, it was Jesus, and yet he 122 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:04,560 Speaker 2: modeled for us good communication, forgiveness, love and respect. 123 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:09,400 Speaker 1: Yeah. I watched the CEO of Google have concerns over 124 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 1: the algorithm about fifteen years ago. He was speaking to 125 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: a group of people and he said, you know, the 126 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,480 Speaker 1: way that our search engines are designed is going to 127 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 1: silo people even more, and so they're going to have 128 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 1: a lower tolerance. Like he predicted all of us, they're 129 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,960 Speaker 1: going to have a lower tolerance for opposite opinions. And 130 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: that's what we're seeing. We can't handle a difference of 131 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: opinion right now. It's really crazy. 132 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 2: Yeah. If we need any proof of that, we just 133 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 2: need to look back over the election cycle. People are 134 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,560 Speaker 2: really hateful, unfriending, blocking, cursing people out. And these are 135 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 2: believers and talking about yeah, you know, we can't expect 136 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 2: the world to be christ like because they don't have Christ. 137 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 2: But I'm talking about believers who are being hateful and 138 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 2: resentful and critical, and it closes down communication. How do 139 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,520 Speaker 2: you expect to have relationship if you've already predetermined you're 140 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,240 Speaker 2: going to stop the communication. So we live in a 141 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:05,280 Speaker 2: culture that really seems to be trying very hard to 142 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:10,240 Speaker 2: remove the differences between the sexes. We're living in a 143 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,720 Speaker 2: culture that well, you know where I'm going with this. 144 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 2: I mean, if you want to be a cat, all 145 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,920 Speaker 2: you have to do is say you're a cat, and 146 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,400 Speaker 2: then we're supposed to accept it. To talk about why 147 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,120 Speaker 2: this is so damaging. 148 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:26,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so we'll start there I have a cat. 149 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: I didn't. I just acquired this cat accidentally. It's an 150 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,840 Speaker 1: outdoor barn cat. It is not friendly, it doesn't want cuddles. 151 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: It does not act like my dog at all. Now, 152 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: let's pretend that you treat everybody the same. Well, that's stupid, 153 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 1: that doesn't work. We had a situation where we had 154 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:47,079 Speaker 1: some fleas in our dogs, so we have to treat them, 155 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 1: but the stuff that we put on them will kill 156 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,679 Speaker 1: the cat. Okay. So not only is there relational differences 157 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 1: because men's and women's brains are different, y'all. It's no 158 00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: different than cats and dogs, and those are different species. 159 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,720 Speaker 1: But when it comes to men and women, we're close. 160 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: Like we bring life into the world. There's relational things 161 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 1: that happen there. Our brains are different, the hormones are different, 162 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: women's health is different. Like I'm a little nervous about 163 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,560 Speaker 1: how I mean, I trust God with it that there's 164 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: going to be a hard learning that comes because we 165 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: have different symptoms of heart attacks than men do. And 166 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: there's a lot of stuff like that. So we can 167 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: delude ourselves because that's exactly what this is. It's delusion. 168 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:34,040 Speaker 1: That reality is a way that's that it's not, or 169 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: we can say, no, men are men, they have these chromosomes. 170 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,559 Speaker 1: There's nothing you can do about that. Women are women, 171 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: same thing, period and guess what. God created them that way? 172 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,439 Speaker 1: And is there a random off chance of birth defects 173 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: and some weird genetic things now and again, like it 174 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: points zero to the twenty seventh power two percent. Yes, 175 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: but you don't make policy around that, you don't form 176 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 1: morality around that, and you don't accept crazy. No, it 177 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,400 Speaker 1: doesn't work that way. And for us to say, well, 178 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: we're all the same, it's like we're not. We should 179 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 1: love each other. We're equally important, valuable, absolutely, but the 180 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,679 Speaker 1: way you interact with men and the way you interact 181 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:18,319 Speaker 1: with women is different because we're different creatures. We're different 182 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 1: structures brain wise and relationally. So we can pay attention 183 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: to that, or we can just dilute ourselves into it 184 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,199 Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Yeah, how's that been going? It doesn't work. 185 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 2: And not only do we need to understand that there 186 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 2: are differences and that will affect our behavior and our 187 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 2: emotions and our approach to daily situations, but we need 188 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,559 Speaker 2: to appreciate that that's how God made it. Yes, he 189 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:47,480 Speaker 2: created us to be different to compliment each other. But 190 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,680 Speaker 2: so often what I see is that the longer people 191 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:55,679 Speaker 2: have been married, the more they disrespect howther spouse has 192 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,600 Speaker 2: been created differently. And I really think that there's a 193 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:03,440 Speaker 2: reason why opposites do you attract. We do need that 194 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:07,040 Speaker 2: difference in perspective. I'm so grateful my husband is not 195 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 2: just like me. 196 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,000 Speaker 1: It would not be a good thing. Oh yeah. 197 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 2: But many of us enter into marriage with the belief 198 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,840 Speaker 2: that the other person is going to make us happy. 199 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,240 Speaker 2: That's where we think our hopes and dreams are going 200 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: to be fulfilled. But what's wrong with that? 201 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,840 Speaker 1: Well, no person on the planet's capable of that. For starters, 202 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,800 Speaker 1: Jesus is the only one that can bring us contentment, 203 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,560 Speaker 1: piece joy, all of that. And by the way, once 204 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,760 Speaker 1: you taste and see that the Lord is good, you 205 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: cannot get enough of him. I was reading I'm Doing 206 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,000 Speaker 1: a book Practicing the Way by John Mark Comer right now. 207 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,520 Speaker 1: He says that only ten percent of believers actually want 208 00:11:46,559 --> 00:11:49,600 Speaker 1: to follow Christ as if he is their rabbi and 209 00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 1: to deeply emulate the life that he lived. And I 210 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 1: think that's true. I don't think I'm perfect at it 211 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 1: by any stretch. And sometimes I even forget. But if 212 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 1: you look at the intimacy of the relationship, once you 213 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 1: get some of that, you can't have enough of it, 214 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: and he really becomes the reason you breathe and the 215 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,520 Speaker 1: reason that you do anything, and you'll do just about 216 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,880 Speaker 1: anything because you're so in love and are experiencing that love. 217 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,679 Speaker 1: I want that for everybody, but we can't get that 218 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,640 Speaker 1: if we're not aware that it even exists. It's not 219 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 1: a box to check, it's not a hat to wear 220 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:23,000 Speaker 1: on Sunday morning. 221 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's and that should be our first relationship, that 222 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 2: should be our first love. But what frequently happens is 223 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,800 Speaker 2: that we get married and we look to our spouse 224 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:40,360 Speaker 2: to fulfill a God size hole that only God can fulfill. 225 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:44,040 Speaker 2: And then that sets up a really dangerous paradigm because 226 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 2: our spouse is going to let us down. I am 227 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,680 Speaker 2: going to let my spouse down. So if we're looking 228 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:53,200 Speaker 2: to our mate to fulfill the God sized hole, we 229 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 2: place an unfair expectation on them and it just leads 230 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,679 Speaker 2: to disappointment, disillusioned, very dangerous. 231 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:06,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. I did that and God revealed that 232 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 1: to me and I was like, oh, okay, let's let's 233 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,960 Speaker 1: try something different here, because this isn't working. It's made 234 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:12,840 Speaker 1: everything worse. 235 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:18,040 Speaker 2: Many years ago, my husband is incredibly intelligent, and he 236 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:22,400 Speaker 2: was so good at so many things, and I started 237 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 2: referring to him as my fundamental problem solver because it 238 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,040 Speaker 2: just seemed like whether or not, if I couldn't get 239 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 2: my computer to work, he could figure it out. Or 240 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,400 Speaker 2: if the garage door wouldn't go up, he knew what 241 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 2: was wrong, or if something happened with a cable TV, 242 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 2: he was quick to be able to fix it. And 243 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,080 Speaker 2: it just seemed like he was so good, and so 244 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,120 Speaker 2: I meant it as a compliment. But he came to 245 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,840 Speaker 2: me and he said, Honey, I cannot be your fundamental 246 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 2: problem solver. That is Jesus. I am your helpmate, but 247 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 2: I am not your fundamental problem solver. And so what 248 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,160 Speaker 2: I meant as a compliment, he was so right because 249 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,480 Speaker 2: I was putting him in a role he was not 250 00:13:58,800 --> 00:13:59,319 Speaker 2: to fulfill. 251 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, and we a lot of us do that. 252 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,960 Speaker 1: I mean, it's pretty normal if you watch Disney or 253 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,439 Speaker 1: Hallmark movies and tell people not to watch it. It's 254 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,199 Speaker 1: not reality. 255 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 2: It's not reality. 256 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,800 Speaker 1: Now, and we put these men or the relationship on 257 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,720 Speaker 1: a pedestal and they can't stay up there. They're just 258 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,320 Speaker 1: like us in so many ways. Right, They're amazing, absolutely, 259 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: and so are we, But they're neither of us, are Jesus. 260 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:28,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, For many of us, respect is something to be earned. 261 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,400 Speaker 2: And if our spouse isn't worthy of respect, or we 262 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 2: don't deem that worthy of respect, let me put it 263 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 2: that way, we don't give it. How do we get around. 264 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,840 Speaker 1: That, Well, we need to. We need to have the 265 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: awareness that that's saying something pretty big about us, that 266 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: we're not a respectful person, because everybody on the planet 267 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: is worthy of being treated with respect. God loves every 268 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:58,320 Speaker 1: single person. Who am I to judge? Let's talk about 269 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: planks and eyes. Yeah, So we have no right to 270 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,560 Speaker 1: do that. And when we do that, we're just we're 271 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: just following the enemy. We're obeying the wrong entity, and 272 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,000 Speaker 1: we're giving voice to things that are going to damage 273 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,400 Speaker 1: that person and it's on mission for the enemy. Like, 274 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: we have to stop that. We have to recognize the 275 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,600 Speaker 1: source of it. And it really comes down to who 276 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: am I am I? The character of Christ am I 277 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: being morphed into his identity transformed? Or am I not? 278 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: And that's what not looks like. 279 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 2: It's so important for us to take the time to 280 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,680 Speaker 2: reflect on that because the enemy is against marriage, the 281 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,120 Speaker 2: enemy is against family. We just need to look at 282 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,200 Speaker 2: what's happening in culture to know that's his easy end. Yeah, 283 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 2: So if we will go back to what the Bible says, 284 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 2: how Jesus has modeled how he treats his bride and 285 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:58,000 Speaker 2: how he wants us to treat others. And his greatest 286 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 2: commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. We 287 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:07,240 Speaker 2: have to respect ourselves to love ourselves, but then it's 288 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:12,000 Speaker 2: incumbent upon us to respect and love others. Friends, We're 289 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 2: going to take a real quick commercial break, but I 290 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 2: don't want you to go anywhere, because when we come back, 291 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 2: we're going to continue this conversation with Nina about the 292 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,720 Speaker 2: role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage. We'll be 293 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 2: right back. Welcome back to your hope filled perspective where 294 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 2: we're having a conversation today with the author of the 295 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:36,240 Speaker 2: Respect Darren. We are talking about the role of unconditional 296 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,400 Speaker 2: respect in a healthy marriage. So, Nina, you say that 297 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 2: there's a connection between a woman and God, her husband 298 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,920 Speaker 2: and her strengths. What is that connection. 299 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,360 Speaker 1: So as we come to know our identity in Christ 300 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:55,080 Speaker 1: and are not wandering around trying to please everybody on 301 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: the planet, so we can actually be okay with ourselves. 302 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: Right when we get our identity from the Lord, then 303 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: we're able to appreciate the strengths that God gave us 304 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: and then bring forth those strengths in the relationship in 305 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,440 Speaker 1: a way that we weren't before. We were actually useful 306 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:15,360 Speaker 1: in that relationship in a way that deeply impacts everything. 307 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,360 Speaker 1: But so often we buy the lies of the culture 308 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,560 Speaker 1: and we go down these paths of thinking we're worthless 309 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 1: or we're not valued, and people treat us this way. 310 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: Is it reinforces it? Or we're looking for that, because 311 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 1: if you have a belief like that, you're going to 312 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,880 Speaker 1: find it everywhere. But when we really have a solid 313 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 1: identity in Christ, and I don't pretend to be fully there, 314 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,919 Speaker 1: but I'm so much more there than I used to be, 315 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,239 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what people are say or to do. 316 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,320 Speaker 1: My husband could be upset about something and say something 317 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,920 Speaker 1: that ten years ago I might have perceived is unkind 318 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 1: but I look at him now and I go, are 319 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 1: you okay? What's going on? Because I know who I am. 320 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:54,679 Speaker 1: I don't get triggered or tipped over. I call it 321 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 1: being bulletproof and unoffendable because the more I know Christ, 322 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,680 Speaker 1: the more solid my identity is in him, the less 323 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,320 Speaker 1: other people's words affect me. Like I know what's true 324 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,840 Speaker 1: about me. So you said this thing, there must be 325 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 1: something else here. Let's take a look at that. And 326 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,520 Speaker 1: it's a generous attitude that's just naturally there, which, by 327 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: the way, research shows you're going to have a healthy marriage, 328 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: you got to have that. And so it comes from 329 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: the identity of people being solid to facilitate that connection. 330 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:23,440 Speaker 2: But that takes a willingness to set aside our own 331 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:28,840 Speaker 2: pride and our own hurt, to shelf that momentarily, to 332 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 2: look at the other person and say, I'm concerned because 333 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:37,080 Speaker 2: there's something behind that comment. There's something behind that behavior. 334 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:41,200 Speaker 2: And Christ modeled that. He was not selfish. He took 335 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,919 Speaker 2: time to ask questions. And I think by asking those questions, 336 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,520 Speaker 2: it provides a safe place for our spouse to share. 337 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,479 Speaker 1: Yeah, it really does. And to your point, most people 338 00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 1: get hurt and then react and they can and to 339 00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,199 Speaker 1: be honest, they can't help it. But when this one 340 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: of the big things that we do a greater impact. 341 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: There's a lot of healing work, spiritual, emotional and relational 342 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,520 Speaker 1: healing work that we do to create a pause, and 343 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: then the healing actually solidifies after a while and you're 344 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 1: literally not offended or hurt. Like things that might have 345 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:18,040 Speaker 1: bothered you fifteen twenty years ago they don't anymore because 346 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,480 Speaker 1: you know who you are and you don't it doesn't 347 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 1: affect you. It's not about you, right, you see things 348 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:28,439 Speaker 1: completely differently. You're able to minister and love in a 349 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,560 Speaker 1: way that actually calls that other person up to a 350 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 1: higher level of being because they don't want to act 351 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: like they're acting either. They're acting that way because they're 352 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: triggered too. So I think, and we've seen this over 353 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 1: the twenty years that we've been doing this stuff. The 354 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,640 Speaker 1: more people work on their own healing and their own 355 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:46,160 Speaker 1: relationship with the Lord, the better relationships that they have 356 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:49,119 Speaker 1: with people. Oh very true. Yeah. 357 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 2: I know that your first dear has to do with expectation, 358 00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 2: and we all have expectations. My audience has heard me 359 00:19:57,119 --> 00:20:01,400 Speaker 2: talk about expectations frequently on this podcast because I think 360 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:06,119 Speaker 2: so often when we're disillusioned or disappointment or discouraged. It 361 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 2: comes back to unmet expectations. But expectations can't even be 362 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 2: met when they're not vocalized. It's like some imaginary bullseye target. 363 00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:21,080 Speaker 2: But some expectations are reasonable and others are not. So 364 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 2: what would you say in terms of it? How can 365 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,200 Speaker 2: we tell the difference? 366 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,520 Speaker 1: Well? And then I think an even bigger thing to 367 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,200 Speaker 1: look at is what does God want for me right now? 368 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:32,600 Speaker 1: Because some of the things that we think are reasonable 369 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,960 Speaker 1: expectations that might not be in the growth place that 370 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 1: your spouse is in at the moment. That might not 371 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:40,840 Speaker 1: be the maturity that they have, And so maybe you're 372 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: going to suffer through some stuff because this is the 373 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,679 Speaker 1: iron sharpening relationship that you have and there's pounding and 374 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: there's heat in it. And so recognizing that, yeah, I 375 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:53,119 Speaker 1: want this thing and it's really reasonable and not going 376 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: If he loved me, he would right. So avoiding all 377 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,200 Speaker 1: of that and just saying, hey, God, I know you're 378 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,480 Speaker 1: allowing this, What do you want from me that? Now? 379 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: What are you trying to grow in my character? Because 380 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 1: there's something He's good One hundred percent of the time 381 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,040 Speaker 1: he's good. So if I look to the Lord and 382 00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:12,760 Speaker 1: say this thing. Okay, it's in your word that we'd 383 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 1: be doing this thing, but it's not happening. So what 384 00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: do you? What do you? What do you want me 385 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,200 Speaker 1: to learn here? What can I do different? And then 386 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 1: we make that about our following God and letting the 387 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,359 Speaker 1: Lord sort that out with our spouse instead of trying 388 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,920 Speaker 1: to be our spouse's holy spirit, because that does not 389 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,760 Speaker 1: work ever. So that's that's what I'd say about expectations, 390 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,679 Speaker 1: is root your expectations in what God has for you. 391 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,840 Speaker 1: Yet we want heaven now, but this is not heaven now. 392 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,679 Speaker 1: It's earth, and we're gonna struggle. We're going to have 393 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,600 Speaker 1: some pain. That's a biblical root to growth. So expect 394 00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 1: that and lean on him because he's always up, you know, 395 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:47,840 Speaker 1: whether it with him? 396 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,439 Speaker 2: In the Love Dear You suggests that the way we 397 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:54,199 Speaker 2: respond to conflict is often based on our past. And 398 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 2: boy have us seen that through years and years and 399 00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 2: years of counseling people and in my own life, and 400 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,040 Speaker 2: frequently the way we respond to conflict is even rooted 401 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,879 Speaker 2: and things that happened in our childhood. So talk for 402 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 2: just a moment about how does that impact marriage? 403 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,119 Speaker 1: Yeah, So if when I was seven and and this 404 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,399 Speaker 1: didn't happen, so but it plenty of people. This stuff 405 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 1: happens to My parents have some big fight in the 406 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 1: kitchen and I mentioned my Name's brought up I as 407 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: a seven year old. I'm going to internalize that and 408 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: make whatever it is they're talking about about me, because 409 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: I've got to explain that somehow, and then it might 410 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,159 Speaker 1: come away with any host of beliefs around that. But 411 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,919 Speaker 1: maybe one of them is if I was just a 412 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,800 Speaker 1: better kid, if I did better in school. Maybe part 413 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 1: of what they talked about was my inability to do 414 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,920 Speaker 1: math because I didn't know that Dad was supposed to 415 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,280 Speaker 1: take me to tutoring and that's and he forgot and 416 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,400 Speaker 1: that's why we're arguing. But oh, I should be better 417 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,840 Speaker 1: at math. So then then we get this belief system 418 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,360 Speaker 1: that then all these things that happen to us are 419 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: filtered through that. And it's not even true, but. 420 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 2: We don't's the important part, right there, Yeah even true, 421 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:01,920 Speaker 2: or interpret it as yes. 422 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, And so that impacts you, know, so you're having 423 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,440 Speaker 1: a discussion with your spouse about finances, it's like, well, 424 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,439 Speaker 1: I'm not good at math, and well, you don't love 425 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: me anyway, and I've never I've never been good enough here. 426 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,040 Speaker 1: It's like that's the seven year old that's shown up 427 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,879 Speaker 1: right there, and that's wounding that needs healing, and God 428 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,919 Speaker 1: can fix that, change that transform that. I've seen it, 429 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,639 Speaker 1: I've experienced it. It is absolutely beautiful. You don't have 430 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 1: to say stay stuck in that, but it's a huge 431 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,320 Speaker 1: thing to be aware of and then choose to move through. 432 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:34,000 Speaker 2: This conversation would be incomplete if we didn't talk about forgiveness. 433 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:39,800 Speaker 2: And it's really forgiveness moves a person forward. How have 434 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 2: you seen that to be true? 435 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, So on a biological level, God designed this so 436 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,639 Speaker 1: well because your brain chemistry changes when you forgive. The 437 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,639 Speaker 1: other thing is is it's a humbling activity that puts 438 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,000 Speaker 1: us in the proper alignment with the Lord because we 439 00:23:54,119 --> 00:23:57,879 Speaker 1: don't have the right to harbor unforgiveness. We're not judging 440 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: jury over this other person. And by the way, Christ 441 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 1: already paid for that, So who do we think we are? 442 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,720 Speaker 1: Excuse me, the seat on the throne has been taken. 443 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: Get off right. So when we forgive, it's like the 444 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,879 Speaker 1: brain chemistry changes and we're able to then have a 445 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,400 Speaker 1: clean slate here And the problem with forgiveness is people think, well, 446 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,880 Speaker 1: that means I let them walk all over me. It's like, no, 447 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: you have boundaries, Like those are two different things, but 448 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: people don't know how to put them in because you 449 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,600 Speaker 1: don't keep throwing yourself in front of the bus when 450 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,520 Speaker 1: you know what's coming by it three h five if 451 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: it drives over you every time, like that's a you problem, 452 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,399 Speaker 1: you know, so you can give the bus driver, but 453 00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: if you keep eating yourself out there, like you're the 454 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,439 Speaker 1: one causing no problem. So in the relationship you you 455 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,000 Speaker 1: definitely your heart needs to be right. You give forgiveness 456 00:24:42,119 --> 00:24:44,560 Speaker 1: a ton of times over and over again, because that's 457 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,880 Speaker 1: what we're supposed to do. And then you also think, well, 458 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,879 Speaker 1: what's my role in this? How do I need to 459 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,280 Speaker 1: show up here in the character of our lord? Like 460 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,879 Speaker 1: what do you want me to do differently here? And 461 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 1: he'll have something for you, and it might be saying, hey, 462 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:00,639 Speaker 1: you know what, I love you. We don't talk to 463 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,760 Speaker 1: each other like this, so let's carry on this conversation 464 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,120 Speaker 1: when we can both be calm and you leave the room. 465 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: It can be simple, small. 466 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 2: Things which don't feel so simple or small in the 467 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,080 Speaker 2: heat of an argument. Yeah, yeah, give an idea of 468 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 2: the biggest pitfalls to respect and how do we overcome 469 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,960 Speaker 2: these Well, I think our culture teaches us that it 470 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:22,720 Speaker 2: has to be earned. 471 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,480 Speaker 1: I grew up believing that, and that's a lie. We're 472 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,439 Speaker 1: ignoring the preciousness that God has placed on his people 473 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:30,800 Speaker 1: and how he views us. And so we need to 474 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 1: really just accept the fact that we are precious to God, 475 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,199 Speaker 1: and so is that other person, and that respect is 476 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,359 Speaker 1: the character of Christ, and so are we going to 477 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: follow him in that. That's really the big issue. 478 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,720 Speaker 2: And that is key because he calls us to be 479 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,600 Speaker 2: Christ like yes, yes, And so when we don't forgive, 480 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:53,720 Speaker 2: when we demand respect, when we don't show respect to 481 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 2: even teach, what it looks like, we're not walking in 482 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,359 Speaker 2: the character of Christ. Friends, we're going to take a 483 00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:01,919 Speaker 2: real short commer'll break, but we'll be right back to 484 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:06,159 Speaker 2: continue our conversation about the role of unconditional respect in 485 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 2: a healthy marriage. We'll be right back. Welcome back to 486 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,919 Speaker 2: your hope filled perspective where today we're talking about the 487 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 2: role of unconditional respect in a healthy marriage. And you 488 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 2: you may be listening and not be married, but I 489 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,880 Speaker 2: think that this is applicable to all of our relationships. 490 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,119 Speaker 2: And you know, you say that God uses pain in 491 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:32,359 Speaker 2: our lives to mold and shape us. So how can 492 00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:36,560 Speaker 2: we learn to be more receptive to this process when 493 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,879 Speaker 2: we are so pain averse? 494 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:45,239 Speaker 1: Yeah, oh well that's what's true. So first accept it. 495 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:48,359 Speaker 1: Pain is the biblical root to growth, and if we're suffering, 496 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,240 Speaker 1: there's a reason for it. So accept his goodness that 497 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,959 Speaker 1: he means this for good. He's not evil, he's good. 498 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,440 Speaker 1: So he's got a purpose in allowing this in our life. 499 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:59,720 Speaker 1: So embrace, not just accept, embrace that and then head 500 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,480 Speaker 1: to him and be like, okay, can you make me 501 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:04,240 Speaker 1: a fast learner here? What do you want me to do? 502 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,480 Speaker 1: How do you want me to think? Show me the 503 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 1: way and then do that because if you don't guess 504 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:12,480 Speaker 1: what your rents, well repeat on the same old thing 505 00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 1: over again. 506 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 2: That's for sure. Yes, what advice do you have for 507 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:20,320 Speaker 2: those who are either frustrated or they're bored, or maybe 508 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,840 Speaker 2: they're just tired of a stagnant marriage. 509 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,920 Speaker 1: That is a thing, and it happens to people when 510 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,920 Speaker 1: they involve circle their life around their kids. Will say, 511 00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,239 Speaker 1: when they worship them, or they get so involved with 512 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: work or whatever and it's like, who are you? I 513 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,600 Speaker 1: don't remember why I'm married to That's a really important 514 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:41,440 Speaker 1: thing to fix because we're supposed to reflect Christ's relationship 515 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,639 Speaker 1: with the church. How do you do that If you 516 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,960 Speaker 1: don't have a relationship with that person and there's a 517 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 1: simple thing, you can just start doing new things together, 518 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:53,680 Speaker 1: start dance class maybe, and you can collectively be terrible 519 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:57,320 Speaker 1: at it and have fun, or you may end up 520 00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:00,320 Speaker 1: entering competitions who knows with a new hobby. If you're 521 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:04,719 Speaker 1: not bringing something new into your relationship and really trying 522 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 1: to live the best life that you could possibly live 523 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:11,320 Speaker 1: here with your person who's supposed to be your best friend, 524 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:16,160 Speaker 1: then you're not really following. We're supposed to live this life, 525 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,280 Speaker 1: it's supposed to be abundant. Well, we make choices. We're 526 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: shutting that down, so stop it. 527 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:25,080 Speaker 2: I think that is very true that especially as moms. 528 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:29,520 Speaker 2: This is not categorically so against every mom, but we 529 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,240 Speaker 2: tend to put so much of our efforts into our 530 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,560 Speaker 2: child rearing that sometimes I think our husbands can feel 531 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:41,200 Speaker 2: left out, yes, or feel unimportant or uncared for, And 532 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,360 Speaker 2: then when we enter the empty nest, it's like our 533 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 2: marital bank account isn't a deficit. You recently entered the 534 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:52,840 Speaker 2: empty nest, and so as a Christmas present, I gave 535 00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 2: my husband it's this book of Creative Dates with your 536 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 2: spouse that we would do different things because we did 537 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,520 Speaker 2: get in a rut. You know, this is what we 538 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:08,880 Speaker 2: do Sunday nights, this is what we do during the week, 539 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,600 Speaker 2: this is what we do Saturday. And so I wanted 540 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 2: something that would give us ideas, because if we had 541 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,400 Speaker 2: the ideas on our own, we would have already been 542 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,680 Speaker 2: doing it. But it's just been fun to explore new 543 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,880 Speaker 2: areas together. We miss our kids, but we did our 544 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:27,480 Speaker 2: job to raise them so that they could fly outside 545 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,800 Speaker 2: of the nest, and they're doing well. So I want 546 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,720 Speaker 2: our marriage to do just as well. 547 00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,360 Speaker 1: But it requires. 548 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 2: Intentionality, and I think sometimes we just get lazy. We 549 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,760 Speaker 2: want the other person to plan the date. The other 550 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,040 Speaker 2: person planned the date when we were dating, so we 551 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 2: expect them to do that now. But that goes back 552 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 2: to our conversation about unvoiced expectations. 553 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: Yep, take the lead. 554 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:52,040 Speaker 2: Take the lead, go take a cooking class together, or 555 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:55,280 Speaker 2: go look at the wildflowers in the spring. Whatever I mean. 556 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,160 Speaker 2: God has given us this big great earth to explore. 557 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 2: So let's do that with our spouse and get back 558 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 2: to enjoying the relationship, because I think the more we 559 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 2: enjoy it, the less critical will be. 560 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:08,920 Speaker 1: Oh that's so true. You're building the friendship and then 561 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:12,280 Speaker 1: you can weather more stuff that is going to happen 562 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,800 Speaker 1: like it's just life. So great advice. 563 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:19,040 Speaker 2: If a listener is resonating with our conversation today, what 564 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,959 Speaker 2: hope filled perspective would you want to leave them with that? 565 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,360 Speaker 1: You don't have to stay stuck. Don't give up. No 566 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 1: matter what your friends, or your family or people have 567 00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,560 Speaker 1: told you. You can resurrect your marriage. You can have 568 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 1: a deeper connection with God and your spouse. Will I 569 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: just want you to have some hope. We work with 570 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,880 Speaker 1: some of the worst couples out there, by their own admission, 571 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: and then people that are just trying to connect after 572 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 1: the kids leave and they're like, who are you? And 573 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:49,360 Speaker 1: I see it every day, the miracle that He has 574 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,280 Speaker 1: for you in your relationship. So don't give up. People 575 00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:56,000 Speaker 1: are doing this. It's possible, and it's happened for me personally. 576 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,200 Speaker 1: So I just want to say that to people, no 577 00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,320 Speaker 1: matter what the mess you think you have God's not done, 578 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 1: and He's bigger than all of it. 579 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,600 Speaker 2: But I would even take that a step further and say, friend, 580 00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 2: I know you're probably tired, and you probably have some 581 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:13,240 Speaker 2: longings that are being unfulfilled. But when Scripture tells us 582 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 2: to treat others as we would want to be treated, 583 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:20,000 Speaker 2: it means it starts with us. So don't wait for 584 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,840 Speaker 2: your spouse to change. Take the reins. Decide that you 585 00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 2: are going to respect unconditionally, you are going to trust, 586 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,160 Speaker 2: you are going to show love. I read a book 587 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:33,800 Speaker 2: years ago, was by I think it was Elizabeth George, 588 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 2: and it's Lord Changed Me. And she talked about how 589 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:42,280 Speaker 2: she really wanted God to change her spouse, but when 590 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,360 Speaker 2: she got to the point where she prayed that really 591 00:31:45,440 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 2: gutsy prayer, Lord changed me as she changed her spouse 592 00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:53,240 Speaker 2: changed in response. And even if your spouse doesn't change, 593 00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 2: you will change for the better and become more christ Like. So, friends, 594 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:00,000 Speaker 2: I really hope that this has given you encouragement today 595 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:03,840 Speaker 2: in any of your relationships, but especially in your marriage relationship. 596 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:06,200 Speaker 2: It can be better, it can be fulfilling, it can 597 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 2: be all that God created marriage to be, but it's 598 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 2: not going to happen without intentionality. Nina, thank you for 599 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:15,680 Speaker 2: coming on the program and sharing your insights, your wisdom 600 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:18,200 Speaker 2: and out of your own personal experience. And know that 601 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:21,560 Speaker 2: this is going to resonate with many friends. If you 602 00:32:21,680 --> 00:32:26,040 Speaker 2: are struggling, let me just underscore with what Nina said, 603 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,719 Speaker 2: there is hope. It doesn't have to stay here, and 604 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:30,880 Speaker 2: I would encourage you to pick up a copy of 605 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 2: her book, Their Respect Dare and we will put all 606 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:36,360 Speaker 2: the information about Nina, her ministry and her book in 607 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:38,440 Speaker 2: the show notes that you can find at doctor Michelle 608 00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 2: b dot com. But maybe your one whose marriage is 609 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:46,600 Speaker 2: great and it's thriving. I guarantee you know somebody who 610 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 2: is struggling. So would you consider sharing this episode to 611 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 2: provide a biblically based hope filled perspective for someone who's 612 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,040 Speaker 2: needing a jolt of hope today. It's by my pleasure 613 00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,600 Speaker 2: to be with you. We will have another episode on 614 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,880 Speaker 2: another important topic now next week. Until then, you know 615 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,720 Speaker 2: it's my prayer for you that you have a hope 616 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:05,360 Speaker 2: filled week. 617 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,680 Speaker 3: Thank you for joining doctor Bankson for your hope filled perspective. 618 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:15,280 Speaker 3: We hope you are encouraged by her authenticity, vulnerability, and 619 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:19,160 Speaker 3: biblical truths. If you enjoy today's conversation, when you take 620 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:22,560 Speaker 3: a moment right now, open up your podcast app and 621 00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,280 Speaker 3: look for the subscribe button right next to our podcast 622 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:29,120 Speaker 3: profile image. 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Until next time, May you have 631 00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,360 Speaker 3: a hope filled week. 632 00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,840 Speaker 2: I'd like to take just a second but thank the 633 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,800 Speaker 2: team at Life Audio for their partnership with us on 634 00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,799 Speaker 2: this podcast. If you go to lifeaudio dot com, you'll 635 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,520 Speaker 2: find dozens of other faith centered podcasts in their network. 636 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:16,400 Speaker 2: They've got shows about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.