1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana Shae and welcome to 2 00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. Hey, Hey, everybody, it's Dana 3 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 1: se and you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. Today. 4 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,560 Speaker 1: I want to have a conversation that is one of 5 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 1: those that like we don't really want to talk about it, 6 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,159 Speaker 1: but we kind of have to talk about it. That 7 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 1: is the conversation of what happens when you and your 8 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: spouse decide to separate, Should you separate, should separation even 9 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,199 Speaker 1: be a thing? If you separate, how do you do 10 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,920 Speaker 1: it with purpose? That's what we're talking about today. And 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: I have a lot of information that I'm going to 12 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,040 Speaker 1: share with you today that I think is going to 13 00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:49,640 Speaker 1: be really really helpful for those of you who are 14 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: either considering a separation for whatever reason. I'm going to 15 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,960 Speaker 1: talk about why I think there are certain times that 16 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: a separation might actually be to your benefit, and then 17 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 1: why you should not separate, Like, what are some reasons, 18 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: some problems, some issues that you're having in your marriage 19 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: that do not constitute a separation. And then I want 20 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: to talk to you about some rules of engagement. If 21 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: you decide to separate, how do you carry yourselves? What 22 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,200 Speaker 1: do you do about money? What about sex? What about kids? 23 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:19,800 Speaker 1: So we are covering all of that in so much 24 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: more in today's episode. So as much as I love marriage, 25 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,480 Speaker 1: you all know I'm a marriage coach. I am very 26 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: pro marriage. My husband Sean and I have been married 27 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 1: for twenty seven years. We are so transparent with our 28 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,959 Speaker 1: story because we have been through so much in our marriage. 29 00:01:35,959 --> 00:01:38,480 Speaker 1: Our marriage has not been easy by any stretch of 30 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:44,000 Speaker 1: anybody's imagination. There were seasons in our marriage where divorce 31 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:48,120 Speaker 1: was on the table and we did an in home separation. 32 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,360 Speaker 1: Now I'm going to be very upfront and tell you 33 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,919 Speaker 1: that I did not follow a lot of these rules 34 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: when we did our in home separation, and so it 35 00:01:56,920 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: was not successful. Okay, So what I'm sharing with you 36 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: are things that I've learned from experience and expertise that 37 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: I've been able to share with many of the coaching 38 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,160 Speaker 1: clients that I work with who are considering a separation. So, 39 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,760 Speaker 1: first and foremost, let's talk about what are some legitimate 40 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,560 Speaker 1: reasons why you might be considering a separation in your marriage. 41 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: Maybe you've tried it all, you've gone to counseling, you've 42 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: done marriage coaching, you've read books, you've listened to podcasts, 43 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: and it seems like nothing is changing, and now you're wondering, 44 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: have we reached the end of the road. Should we 45 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: get divorced? Well, I always encourage couples unless there is 46 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:38,600 Speaker 1: some major traumatic event that has happened in your marriage 47 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,640 Speaker 1: that constitutes a divorce. That would be abuse, adultery, abandonment 48 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 1: of addiction. Those are kind of the four a's that 49 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,919 Speaker 1: I talk about often. Unless one of those things have happened, 50 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: don't reach for divorce quite yet. You might just need 51 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,880 Speaker 1: a separation. Now, I'm going to be upfront and tell 52 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: you that the reasons for separation that I I believe 53 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: are viable are some of those same reasons why you 54 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: might be considering a divorce. So, for example, let's say 55 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,919 Speaker 1: there's abuse in your marriage. I never ever recommend that 56 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: you stay in an abusive marriage. I'm talking about physically abusive. 57 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:22,600 Speaker 1: If you're being hit, punched, kicked, slapped, pushed, shoved, any 58 00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: sort of physical abuse, that is not a safe marriage, 59 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:30,240 Speaker 1: and you need to exit stage left. Okay, However, what 60 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,079 Speaker 1: about some of those other forms of abuse? What about 61 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 1: emotional abuse? What about verbal abuse? What about mental abuse? 62 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,560 Speaker 1: What about financial abuse, Right, what do you do in 63 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 1: those situations? Should you get divorced? I think you should 64 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,040 Speaker 1: try a separation first. Now, a lot of those definitions, 65 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 1: like sometimes people say, well, what constitutes emotional abuse? I 66 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: feel like my spouse is mean? Are they being verbally abusive? 67 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 1: So there are different definitions, and we're not going to 68 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: get into what all of those definicians are in this podcast. 69 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,080 Speaker 1: What I will share though, is if you are being 70 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: misused in your marriage, you know what abuse is. You know, 71 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:13,080 Speaker 1: if your spouse is treating you below the dignity that 72 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:17,159 Speaker 1: you are worth, If they're calling you names, if they're 73 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,160 Speaker 1: cursing and screaming at you, if they might not hit you, 74 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: but they're throwing things, all that kind of foolishness, all 75 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,680 Speaker 1: of that constitutes abuse. Now you might be saying, you 76 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: know what, there's no physical abuse. My spouse is emotionally 77 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,400 Speaker 1: abusive or verbally abusive. But I'm willing to stick in 78 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 1: here and stay. If that's you, that's you. But there 79 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,039 Speaker 1: are some spouses who are saying, I'm not willing to 80 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,479 Speaker 1: just continue on like this, What do I do? This 81 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:44,680 Speaker 1: might be one of those reasons that a separation might 82 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,440 Speaker 1: need to occur. Okay, so I just want you to 83 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 1: stick a pin in that. We're going to come back 84 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: to that. But that's reason number one. Abuse Number two addiction. 85 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:57,560 Speaker 1: Maybe your spouse is an alcoholic, or they are addicted 86 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:01,920 Speaker 1: to drugs, or they have a food addiction, they're morbidly obese. 87 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 1: There's something going on that is causing your spouse to 88 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 1: be addicted to some sort of substance and it's affecting 89 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: the quality of your marriage. Maybe they're stealing money, or 90 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 1: they are not going to work, or they're laying in 91 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,240 Speaker 1: bed all day because they're massively depressed or whatever because 92 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: of this addiction. Right, So, if there are addictive cycles 93 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,160 Speaker 1: in your marriage and you want those cycles to change, 94 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: a separation may need to occur. Now I'm going to 95 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: continue to say may need to because I am not 96 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: telling you you must separate if these things are happening 97 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,480 Speaker 1: unless there's physical abuse. Please hear me again, I will 98 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:44,280 Speaker 1: never encourage or coach a marriage where physical abuse is present. 99 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:47,560 Speaker 1: That is not a safe marriage, That is not the 100 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,279 Speaker 1: will of God for anybody. Okay, But I'm talking about 101 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 1: those of you again where physical abuse is not present, 102 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:57,559 Speaker 1: but maybe there's other forms of abuse. Or in this case, addiction. Okay, 103 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 1: so addiction number two. The third reason that you may 104 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: need to consider a separation is if there's adultery happening. Obviously, right, 105 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: you cannot build a marriage with someone who is building 106 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,799 Speaker 1: a relationship with someone else. That just doesn't make sense. 107 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 1: So if there's adultery that is happening, that means present sense. 108 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: So I'm not saying you found out about an affair 109 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:25,120 Speaker 1: and you are are actively working toward reconciliation, you don't 110 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,159 Speaker 1: necessarily need to separate in that case. Now, you might 111 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 1: be someone who says I will never ever tolerate adultery 112 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: in my marriage, and so if I find out that 113 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,719 Speaker 1: my spouse cheated, I'm out. And if that's you, that 114 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 1: is well within your right to say so. So you 115 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,560 Speaker 1: might not need a separation. If that's already what you've decided, 116 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,799 Speaker 1: you may need to just move on to get a divorce. Okay. 117 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,600 Speaker 1: But I'm talking about those of you who want to 118 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: honor your marriage covenant, and maybe your spouse has confessed 119 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,360 Speaker 1: to an affair two years ago, two months ago, two 120 00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,160 Speaker 1: weeks ago, But they're saying, I'm no longer doing that, 121 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:01,440 Speaker 1: I'm repented, and I want to work on this marriage, 122 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,120 Speaker 1: but maybe you're like, I don't want to live with you, 123 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:06,599 Speaker 1: though a separation might be your best bet. To say, 124 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 1: you know what, let's see if you're serious, let's separate. 125 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,680 Speaker 1: Let's still go through all the things that we would 126 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 1: normally do to rebuild a marriage. But I need some space. 127 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 1: I need some time to grieve and to heal away 128 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: from you. And so this might be a situation where 129 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:26,160 Speaker 1: a separation might work in your favor. Now, are there 130 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:31,200 Speaker 1: other reasons that you should separate? Possibly, But because we 131 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,239 Speaker 1: have a limited amount of time, I think that these 132 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,360 Speaker 1: are the big three. These are the three that I 133 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: really want to focus on for the purposes of this episode. Now, 134 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,840 Speaker 1: let me tell you there are some reasons why I 135 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: do not believe you should separate. All of us go 136 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 1: through weariness and our marriages. All of us go through 137 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,160 Speaker 1: apathy at times where you're just like I just don't care. 138 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,400 Speaker 1: Some of us just go through boredom, where you're just bored. 139 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,080 Speaker 1: You're tired of being with the same person, doing the 140 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,720 Speaker 1: same thing, having this same conversations, eating the same food, 141 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: going to the same places. Like some of us, we 142 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,320 Speaker 1: just get bored. Sometimes I do not believe that apathy 143 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: nor boredom are reasons to separate. Those are usually temporary 144 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:18,040 Speaker 1: situations that you need to learn the skills to work 145 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,000 Speaker 1: your way out of. I do not believe that you 146 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 1: fix a marriage by leaving the marriage unless there is 147 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 1: active adultery, abuse, or addiction. Okay, let's talk about another reason. 148 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: I do not believe that you should separate. Weariness. I 149 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 1: hint it to it before. We all get weary in 150 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 1: our marriages. There are times where you're just like, I'm 151 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 1: tired of trying. Maybe you've been in counseling for a 152 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,079 Speaker 1: year or you've been doing marriage coaching for five or 153 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: six months, and you're like, you know what, I'm just 154 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:56,520 Speaker 1: I'm so tired, Like I don't see any changes. This 155 00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 1: is not a reason to separate. All know, if you've 156 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,200 Speaker 1: listened to this podcast before, I am all about my 157 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,679 Speaker 1: weight loss and fitness analogies. Okay, because I am living 158 00:09:06,679 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 1: this out in real time. I'm trying to lose a 159 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,400 Speaker 1: little bit of weight, and I have been super consistent. 160 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,280 Speaker 1: I'm in a calorie deficit every day, I'm lifting weight, 161 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 1: I'm getting my cardio in, I'm eating super clean every 162 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:27,000 Speaker 1: single day. And the first like eight weeks I started, 163 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,000 Speaker 1: you know, seeing well, I would say the first six 164 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: weeks I was seeing a good amount of progression, right like, 165 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,520 Speaker 1: oh wow, oh look my measurements are changing. Oh my goodness, 166 00:09:35,559 --> 00:09:37,200 Speaker 1: is that a trice if I see on my arm? Like, 167 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: I'm starting to see some changes, right. But about six 168 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:45,120 Speaker 1: weeks in things started to slow down. The weight did 169 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,559 Speaker 1: not move. I was the same weight on that scale 170 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: for like three straight weeks. But because I know better, 171 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,360 Speaker 1: because I've been around this mountain before, I said, I'm 172 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 1: not going to give up, because in the past I've 173 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: given up. I've just been like, you know what, whatever, 174 00:09:57,679 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: this doesn't work. I'm just I'm super tired, you know, 175 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 1: of trying to do all the rules and doing all 176 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: the things. I'm not seeing results. I'm out. And I 177 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:09,640 Speaker 1: was relying on motivation to keep me consistent. But let 178 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: me tell you something, friends, you cannot rely on motivation 179 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: to keep you consistent. Motivation does not last for anyone 180 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:23,680 Speaker 1: in any reason, for anyone in any area, whether it's 181 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,319 Speaker 1: I'm starting a business and I'm gonna be super motivated 182 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 1: to work nine hours a day, ten hours, twelve hours 183 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: a day, I'm gonna work more for myself than I 184 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: did for my boss, or whether it's I'm trying to 185 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 1: lose weight, I'm gonna be super motivated and I'm gonna 186 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,319 Speaker 1: lose this weight, or I'm trying to rebuild a marriage. 187 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:43,640 Speaker 1: Whatever this situation is, motivation will not last. You have 188 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:49,199 Speaker 1: got to dig deeper the motivation to discipline, or in 189 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:54,520 Speaker 1: relational terms, it's called faithfulness. What are you going to 190 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 1: do when you're just tired and weary and drained. That 191 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,160 Speaker 1: is not the time to separate. That is the time 192 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 1: to dig your heels in and say, I am committed 193 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: to the covenant vows that I said before God and 194 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,680 Speaker 1: whoever these witnesses were, and I'm going to stick in 195 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 1: this marriage and we are going to figure this thing out. 196 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 1: So weariness is not a reason to get separated. Another 197 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,679 Speaker 1: reason that I don't believe that you need to get 198 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:31,160 Speaker 1: separated is to go find yourself. Oh, you know, I 199 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 1: got married young, and I really didn't have time to 200 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,280 Speaker 1: really go off and figure out what I want to 201 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,959 Speaker 1: do in life and be myself and do the things 202 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,640 Speaker 1: that I enjoy. And maybe I had kids young and 203 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:44,360 Speaker 1: now my kids are old and I just need to 204 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 1: go and find myself. Sorry, ma'am. Sorry, it doesn't work 205 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,640 Speaker 1: that way. You stood before God and you made a vow. Sorry, sir, 206 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: you made a vow, a covenant to a woman that 207 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 1: I am going to be with you until death do 208 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 1: us part. You need to find yourself in your marriage. 209 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: You need to go look in the mirror and there 210 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 1: you are. We don't have to go far to find ourselves. 211 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 1: People like when people say I need to go find myself, 212 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,079 Speaker 1: I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? 213 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,839 Speaker 1: You are yourself? You are with yourself all the time. Now, 214 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,040 Speaker 1: I get it. People are saying I want to go 215 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 1: and explore maybe things that I didn't get a chance 216 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 1: to do, and that, honestly, is just selfish. I mean, 217 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:25,319 Speaker 1: it just is. If we're being honest, Hey, I want 218 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: to leave you so that I can go and do me. 219 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: I want to reject you and abandon my marriage so 220 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 1: I can go off and explore the world on my 221 00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,760 Speaker 1: own terms. You never should have gotten married. If that's 222 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,679 Speaker 1: your train of thought, you never should have gotten married. 223 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,680 Speaker 1: And I'm not telling you that we don't all have 224 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: those thoughts. I've had those thoughts. I got married at eighteen. 225 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 1: Do you think I'm the same person today at forty 226 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 1: four than I was at eighteen. Of course, not I've changed, 227 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:57,080 Speaker 1: I've grown, I'm different, But I'm not going to go 228 00:12:57,160 --> 00:13:00,880 Speaker 1: leave my husband so that i can go find myself. 229 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: That is not a viable reason for a separation. Now, 230 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,440 Speaker 1: just like the three reasons I gave you, I believe 231 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: are potential viable reasons for separation, these three reasons that 232 00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:15,359 Speaker 1: I do not believe are good reasons are not exhaustive. 233 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: There's lots of other reasons that people say we're going 234 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,959 Speaker 1: to separate. Maybe someone is spending too much money. Okay, 235 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: i'm out, my spouse has bad credit. I'm out. I mean, 236 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 1: I mean. You guys would be amazed at some of 237 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,040 Speaker 1: the reasons that I hear in my coaching sessions of 238 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:34,120 Speaker 1: why people think that they need to separate. Most often, 239 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,640 Speaker 1: most often, you do not need to separate. You need 240 00:13:37,679 --> 00:13:42,040 Speaker 1: to learn the skills to rebuild a good marriage. We're 241 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 1: not talking about those skills on this particular episode, but 242 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,280 Speaker 1: there are four hundred other episodes that I have done 243 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,959 Speaker 1: on this podcast that teach you the skills to create 244 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:57,559 Speaker 1: a long lasting, vibrant, thriving marriage. So let's segue to 245 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,760 Speaker 1: if you decide to separate, How do you do it 246 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 1: with purpose? I'm going to give you some extremely practical, 247 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: step by step tools that you can use when you 248 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,200 Speaker 1: are deciding I'm going to separate how do I do 249 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: this with purpose? But first we have to take a 250 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:17,400 Speaker 1: quick break for a word from our sponsor. Don't go anywhere. 251 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Has your marriage been ravished by infidelity? 252 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,880 Speaker 1: I want you to know that while betrayal doesn't have 253 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: to be the end of your marriage, healing does take intention. 254 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,360 Speaker 1: If you're feeling lost, confused, and unsure of what to 255 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 1: do next, my free affair Recovery checklist will help you 256 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: to take the first steps toward rebuilding trust and connection. 257 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 1: Download your copy today at danashay dot com. Forward slash 258 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:50,760 Speaker 1: a Fair Checklist. That's da na cche dot com. Forward 259 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:55,360 Speaker 1: Slash a Fair Checklist. Let your journey of healing begin today, 260 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: because you can get through this one step at a time. 261 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: All right, friends, we're back. Okay. I'm so excited about 262 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: this next part because if there is anything that I 263 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,720 Speaker 1: love helping people do, it is setting goals. That's why 264 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,920 Speaker 1: I'm a coach. Right, every good coach is going to 265 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,600 Speaker 1: help you to set some goals. In your life. Well, 266 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: I believe that we can apply the smart goals to 267 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 1: purposeful separation. Now, maybe you've never heard of smart goals before, 268 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 1: if you're in the entrepreneur space, even in the business world, 269 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,200 Speaker 1: and anyway, maybe you work a nine to five for 270 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: someone else, or you work a job and your HR 271 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 1: director have probably at some point taught you about smart goals. 272 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: But if you've never heard about them before, let me 273 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: just break them down real quick. Okay, something just fell 274 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,600 Speaker 1: off my desk and that's okay, all right, So if 275 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: you've never heard of smart goals, let me break them 276 00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:01,600 Speaker 1: down for you real quick. Smart is an acronym smart, okay. 277 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,120 Speaker 1: So the S and smart is specific, the M is measurable, 278 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:10,840 Speaker 1: the A is attainable, the R is realistic, and the 279 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: T is timely or time based. Okay. So let's break 280 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 1: it down and talk about what in the world a 281 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: smart goal would have to do with you being separated 282 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 1: and how you can have a separation with purpose. The 283 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,600 Speaker 1: first thing that I'm going to tell you is that 284 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,960 Speaker 1: if you decide to separate. So now we've moved past 285 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 1: should we separate. Let's say you've decided you and your 286 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 1: spouse have decided we're going to separate, okay, for one 287 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 1: of those three reasons that I mentioned earlier. We're going 288 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: to separate. How do you do this smartly? The smart way? 289 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,560 Speaker 1: I guess it's a better say a way to say that. 290 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: How do we do this in a wise way? How 291 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: do we do this with purpose? One set a specific goal? 292 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 1: Why are we separating? You need to know that. And 293 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,200 Speaker 1: if one spouse is like, we're separating because you're actively 294 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,600 Speaker 1: having an affair, and the other spouse is like, no, 295 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:07,920 Speaker 1: we're separating so that we can save money, you're already 296 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: headed for trouble because you're misaligned. You guys don't even 297 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,000 Speaker 1: know the purpose. You don't even know the why. So 298 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:18,480 Speaker 1: you need to have a specific purpose as to why 299 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,479 Speaker 1: we are separating. You both need to be on one 300 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:24,840 Speaker 1: accord here. We are separating because you have an alcohol 301 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,600 Speaker 1: problem that needs to be addressed, and we need some 302 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:31,560 Speaker 1: time away so that you can address that, because us 303 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:36,400 Speaker 1: being together is exacerbating your alcoholism. So we are going 304 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:43,160 Speaker 1: to separate for a specific purpose. We're not separating because 305 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,080 Speaker 1: I don't like your mama and your mean and you 306 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,119 Speaker 1: don't do your laundry and I'm sick of seeing in 307 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:51,399 Speaker 1: your dirty dishes, like, we're not separating because of that. 308 00:17:52,119 --> 00:17:55,640 Speaker 1: Those things may be present, but that's not the specific 309 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 1: reason that we're separating. Okay, So make itpus to thick. 310 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,480 Speaker 1: Both of you need to be on the same page 311 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 1: as to why you are separating. Okay. The M and 312 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:13,199 Speaker 1: SMART goal is measurable. You need to be able to 313 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:16,960 Speaker 1: decide when the goal has been met. So if you're 314 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,960 Speaker 1: separating for a goal or separating for a purpose, how 315 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,800 Speaker 1: do you decide when that purpose has been fulfilled or 316 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 1: when that goal has been met. This is where the 317 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 1: measurable part comes in, which means, and I'm going to 318 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:31,639 Speaker 1: get a little technical here, you've got to have some 319 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,600 Speaker 1: data points. You've got to be able to say we 320 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: can track the progress because of these things. So, for example, 321 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 1: let's use the alcoholism example. You are an alcoholic. I 322 00:18:44,359 --> 00:18:47,680 Speaker 1: need to separate from you because you need to stop 323 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 1: using drugs, or you need to stop drinking, or whatever 324 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:56,000 Speaker 1: the addiction might be. So the measurable data points is 325 00:18:57,240 --> 00:19:00,879 Speaker 1: you haven't had a drink in six months, you have 326 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 1: gone through the twelve step program, and you've not missed 327 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,440 Speaker 1: an AA meeting, You are talking with your sponsor every day. 328 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: Or let's say, if it's like an affair, I'm separating 329 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,919 Speaker 1: from you because you were in this active affair and 330 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: I'm not going to live with you while you're you know, 331 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:22,119 Speaker 1: playing house with somebody else. So what will be the 332 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,360 Speaker 1: data point you're no longer speaking to that person, you 333 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:31,639 Speaker 1: have put specific accountability measures in place, whether it be 334 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,560 Speaker 1: covenant eyes on your phone or your computer, or whether 335 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,919 Speaker 1: it be you got rid of your phone or your 336 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,439 Speaker 1: secret phones, your burner phones, you've gotten rid of all 337 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,040 Speaker 1: of that. Like, there's got to be some sort of 338 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,320 Speaker 1: measurable data point that both of you can look at 339 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:49,399 Speaker 1: and say, Okay, yep, check that's done. Check that's done. 340 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 1: Now we're able to see progress. We're not just thinking 341 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:57,960 Speaker 1: and hoping and wishing for progress. We can actually track progress. Okay. 342 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: So that's the M in measurable, or the M I 343 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,600 Speaker 1: should say in smart. So make sure that your purpose 344 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:10,880 Speaker 1: is also measurable. Okay. Now, the A is attainable, And 345 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:16,200 Speaker 1: sometimes people get attainable and reasonable confused. And so I'm 346 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,680 Speaker 1: going to tell you a little bit about the differences here. 347 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,400 Speaker 1: An attainable goal in this case separation, is this attainable 348 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:29,400 Speaker 1: means that it is possible you can do these specific 349 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,920 Speaker 1: things and it will be attainable. So, for example, let's 350 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:37,119 Speaker 1: say counseling. If that's one of your data points, Okay, 351 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,080 Speaker 1: I need to see that you've been in counseling for 352 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:44,040 Speaker 1: at least six months consistently. Right, that's a measurable goal. 353 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,560 Speaker 1: You can literally look at appointments and see if your 354 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,280 Speaker 1: spouse went to the appointment, cancel, the appointment, didn't show up, whatever. 355 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,359 Speaker 1: So let's say that's one of your data points that 356 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 1: you're going to be tracking. Is that attainable? Is counseling 357 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:02,600 Speaker 1: an option? Well? Yes, absolutely, it's a reasonable a goal. Right. 358 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,320 Speaker 1: Not only is it reasonable, but it's also attainable. You 359 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: can get counseling anywhere. You can get counseling in person, 360 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,320 Speaker 1: you can get counseling online. Does it cost money? It does, 361 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 1: and it should, okay, because this is an investment in 362 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: your own life, in your own marriage. So when you're 363 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,240 Speaker 1: asking yourself is this attainable? This has to be Are 364 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:27,200 Speaker 1: these skills attainable? Are you able to learn the skills 365 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:32,040 Speaker 1: of stop using drugs or alcohol? Yes, there are programs 366 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 1: that will help you to do that. So it is attainable. 367 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,680 Speaker 1: I don't know of many goals that are not attainable 368 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:43,119 Speaker 1: unless someone says something like off the wall, like I 369 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,400 Speaker 1: want to run a marathon in thirty minutes. I mean, 370 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,440 Speaker 1: that's not attainable, nor is it realistic, because one, there's 371 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: no program out there that's going to teach you to 372 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:53,960 Speaker 1: run a marathon in thirty minutes, So no one's gonna 373 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: teach you the skills to do that, which you would 374 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,280 Speaker 1: absolutely need some sort of god like skill to do that. 375 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 1: But it's also are just not realistic, and that brings 376 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:06,120 Speaker 1: us to our next point in the smart goals considering separation. 377 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 1: Is it realistic? Is what you're asking your spouse to do? Realistic? 378 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 1: Is what they're telling you they're going to do realistic. 379 00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:19,159 Speaker 1: I'm going to never have any more female friends. I'm 380 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 1: not gonna look at another woman at work. I'm never 381 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:23,320 Speaker 1: going to talk to another woman ever in my life 382 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,680 Speaker 1: because I had an affair. Hmm. Probably not realistic because 383 00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,760 Speaker 1: on planet Earth there's gonna be women and you're gonna 384 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 1: have to interact with them at some point. Now, I 385 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,800 Speaker 1: appreciate your heart. Great. I'm so glad that you're gonna 386 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 1: put boundaries in place, But don't set yourself up for 387 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,000 Speaker 1: disaster by saying I'm never going to engage with any 388 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:50,680 Speaker 1: other women. Again, that's not realistic. So look at are 389 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,440 Speaker 1: these goals attainable, but are they realistic? Are you willing? 390 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,640 Speaker 1: This is a big one. Are you willing to do 391 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:03,879 Speaker 1: what is required in order to attain said goal? Because 392 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:07,119 Speaker 1: real talk, y'all, some people just are not willing. Some 393 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,520 Speaker 1: people are just not willing. If you are dealing with 394 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,760 Speaker 1: the spouse, let's say let's say that that spouse is 395 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:17,200 Speaker 1: emotionally abusive, Well, they don't know. They're not emotionally mature 396 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,880 Speaker 1: or aware enough to know how to communicate properly as 397 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:24,000 Speaker 1: an adult. That's a skill, though, that you can learn. 398 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,040 Speaker 1: So there's no excuse for that. You can't just but well, 399 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,520 Speaker 1: well my mom was emotionally abusive and I'm emotionally abusive. 400 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,640 Speaker 1: Or the way my parents talk to each other, that's 401 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 1: just how they did it, that's how we always do it. Okay, 402 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,679 Speaker 1: Well I'm not them, Okay, So you can learn the 403 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,920 Speaker 1: skills to learn how to communicate better. That is absolutely 404 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 1: attainable and it is absolutely realistic. But if they're not 405 00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:50,200 Speaker 1: willing to do it, it's not realistic. So if you 406 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 1: tell your spouse, Okay, we're going to separate because I 407 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: can't deal with like all of your emotional and verbal 408 00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 1: abuse anymore. Like it is just it's weighing me down. 409 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,840 Speaker 1: It's making me depressed. I don't like who I'm becoming 410 00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 1: because of this, and we need to separate. And then 411 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: your spouse tells you, well, okay, we can separate, but 412 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: this is just who I am and I'm probably not 413 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,359 Speaker 1: gonna change. I mean, I can try, but I'm probably 414 00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:17,160 Speaker 1: not gonna change. Sis. Uh, it's not gonna work because 415 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,919 Speaker 1: they're not willing. What they're telling you is I'm not 416 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,560 Speaker 1: willing to change. This is just who I am. Take 417 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,560 Speaker 1: it or leave it, So you might need to leave it. 418 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 1: The last tool in our smart goals or the last 419 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:34,800 Speaker 1: step if you will, is is it timely? This is 420 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,679 Speaker 1: so important you all. If there's nothing else that you 421 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:42,719 Speaker 1: remember about the smart goals as m Art, remember it 422 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,919 Speaker 1: must be time sensitive. You have got to have a 423 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:50,160 Speaker 1: time stamp on this separation. It can't just be we're 424 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,479 Speaker 1: gonna separate and we'll just kind of see how how 425 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,240 Speaker 1: it works out. You know why, because what's gonna happen 426 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,800 Speaker 1: is you're gonna get set in doing things your own way. 427 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,119 Speaker 1: You might get by yourself and be like this, this 428 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:01,920 Speaker 1: is the best thing ever. I don't have to share 429 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:04,600 Speaker 1: my bathroom with anybody anymore. I can eat whatever I 430 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,359 Speaker 1: want to eat, whenever I want to eat it. I 431 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:08,280 Speaker 1: can come and go as I please. This is amazing. 432 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: And then the separation that was supposed to last for 433 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,200 Speaker 1: three months or six months, now you're filing divorce paperwork. 434 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,600 Speaker 1: So this is why you need to have a time 435 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,240 Speaker 1: sensitive plan. We are going to separate for one year. 436 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,120 Speaker 1: That means I'm going to get a one year lease 437 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,399 Speaker 1: on an apartment and we're going to stay separated for 438 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,760 Speaker 1: that year. So even if things start to improve, great, great, 439 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: but we're going to commit to this year, and then 440 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,560 Speaker 1: after that year, if our marriage has improved so much, 441 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,600 Speaker 1: then I'm going to cancel that lease and we're going 442 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,480 Speaker 1: to move back in together, or we're going to separate 443 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 1: for one year. Because if you live in a state 444 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,960 Speaker 1: like I live in Virginia, if you have children under 445 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,560 Speaker 1: the age of eighteen, you have to be separated for 446 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,120 Speaker 1: at least a year before you can get a divorce. Now, 447 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,960 Speaker 1: that can be an in home separation, which I will 448 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,480 Speaker 1: probably have to do another podcast episode about in home 449 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,720 Speaker 1: separation because they are definitely different. The rules are different, 450 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,120 Speaker 1: the boundaries are different, so we'll need to talk about that. 451 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,960 Speaker 1: But you may decide a year is what we need 452 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 1: because in a year, I can gauge all of those 453 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 1: other metrics. I can see Yep, we had a specific purpose. Nope, 454 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:19,800 Speaker 1: the measurements were not met. Nope, that person was not 455 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,399 Speaker 1: willing because they didn't attain whatever the goal is that 456 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,199 Speaker 1: they said that they were going to do. So a 457 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,440 Speaker 1: year is a good amount of time. I'm not telling 458 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,720 Speaker 1: you have to separate for a year, please hear me. 459 00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,399 Speaker 1: You can separate for three months or six months and 460 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:36,360 Speaker 1: it be effective. But what I am saying is that 461 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,399 Speaker 1: you all need to decide on a number and then 462 00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,240 Speaker 1: don't move that boundary so much. Don't be like, Okay, 463 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,399 Speaker 1: we're going to separate for a year. Actually we're going 464 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,840 Speaker 1: to do six months. Actually maybe three months, and then 465 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: you get back together and it's like, oh, three months 466 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,640 Speaker 1: wasn't long enough, Let's do it again. Hmmm, that gets 467 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 1: really messy. I think you need to come together and 468 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,200 Speaker 1: just set a time and if a year feels too 469 00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,639 Speaker 1: long for you, then say, Okay, we're going to separate 470 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,840 Speaker 1: for six months, and then at the end of the 471 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:05,080 Speaker 1: six months, we're going to do what reevaluate. Come on, 472 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,119 Speaker 1: we're going to reevaluate, and we're going to see what's working, 473 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: what's not. What do we need to do better in 474 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,920 Speaker 1: Do we need more counseling, more coaching, what do we need? 475 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,879 Speaker 1: That's a good way to do it. But whatever you do, 476 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,479 Speaker 1: have some sort of time metric. Don't just leave it 477 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: to chance. And you know, I mean, if my sister 478 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: lets me live with her for a few weeks and 479 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,920 Speaker 1: then I can go live with my friend and no, no, no, 480 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: have a plan and that's a whole other thing. So 481 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: let's talk about that, right because you're going to need 482 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,679 Speaker 1: a plan when you separate. I don't think people understand 483 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: how much your life is going to change when you 484 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,920 Speaker 1: decide to separate or divorce. For sure, divorce, your life 485 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,919 Speaker 1: is about to completely change. But even if you decide 486 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,280 Speaker 1: to separate, there are some really important conversations that you 487 00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:55,119 Speaker 1: all need to have when you're putting together a plan. 488 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,399 Speaker 1: And maybe we'll do another episode about putting together a 489 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,200 Speaker 1: separation plan. Okay, but The first thing you need to 490 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,920 Speaker 1: think about is your children. If you have children under 491 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,119 Speaker 1: the age of eighteen. Now, even if you have children 492 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:08,760 Speaker 1: that are older, conversations still need to be had and 493 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,880 Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we talk about the plan. 494 00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:12,840 Speaker 1: But if you have children that are under the age 495 00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:15,639 Speaker 1: of eighteen, you need to talk about things like custody. 496 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,639 Speaker 1: Are we going to file legal custody or are we 497 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: just going to trust each other? Like, we don't need 498 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:26,120 Speaker 1: a legal custody arrangement, but we will both help each 499 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,800 Speaker 1: other out. What about visitation? Who are the kids going 500 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,960 Speaker 1: to live with? Because you guys are gonna be separated. Remember, 501 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,720 Speaker 1: so the kids got to live somewhere. Please don't separate 502 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,600 Speaker 1: your children. Oh my goodness, Like they're already going through 503 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 1: enough on their own and then to be also separated 504 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:41,600 Speaker 1: from their siblings. Please don't do that. Even if you 505 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:43,520 Speaker 1: have one kid that's like I want to live with dad, 506 00:28:43,560 --> 00:28:45,160 Speaker 1: and the other kids like I want to live with mom. 507 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 1: That's hard, but I would highly, highly recommend that you 508 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,960 Speaker 1: do not separate your children. Okay, but talk about that. 509 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,320 Speaker 1: What about babysitting. If I want to go out for 510 00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 1: a night on the town with the girls, to drop 511 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: the kids off to you or are you like, oh, well, 512 00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:06,000 Speaker 1: you got to find a babysitter. Like those conversations need 513 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: to be had, and they need to be had upfront, 514 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:11,760 Speaker 1: So talk about the kids. The other conversation that you 515 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,360 Speaker 1: absolutely must have is finances. What's going to happen with 516 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,959 Speaker 1: the money? If you have a joint bank account? Are 517 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 1: you going to continue to put money in the joint 518 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 1: bank account or are you going to now get separate accounts? 519 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,600 Speaker 1: What if you have shared investments, what if you have 520 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:31,440 Speaker 1: other assets? You own properties together, like WHOA? So you 521 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,840 Speaker 1: will see that these are conversations that are very similar 522 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,880 Speaker 1: to conversations that you would have if you were getting divorced. 523 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 1: And that's because the separation is very similar to a divorce. 524 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:46,520 Speaker 1: It's just not legally binding unless you have a legal separation, 525 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 1: which is a whole other conversation. But you need to 526 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,000 Speaker 1: talk about the money because this is what trips a 527 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 1: lot of couples up. It's like, why did you take 528 00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,560 Speaker 1: out five hundred dollars from the joint account because it's 529 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,960 Speaker 1: a joint account. Yeah, but we're not we're not together anymore. 530 00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:04,520 Speaker 1: That's not your money. And then it just gets weird, 531 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,640 Speaker 1: and so just have these conversations up front. What are 532 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,120 Speaker 1: you guys gonna do about the money? Decide on that, 533 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,040 Speaker 1: and then when you get back together, then what happens 534 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:17,080 Speaker 1: if you've started separate accounts? Do you keep those separate accounts? 535 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,440 Speaker 1: Do you combine everything? So this is why we need 536 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,080 Speaker 1: to talk about having a plan. Okay, so stay tuned 537 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,160 Speaker 1: for the for the next episode because we'll break it 538 00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:28,160 Speaker 1: down more about a plan of separation. Another thing to 539 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,880 Speaker 1: consider is dating. I'm gonna be real quick and just 540 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:35,600 Speaker 1: tell you don't do it. Do not date while you're separated. 541 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:42,240 Speaker 1: You're still married. Friend, you're not divorced. You're still married, 542 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 1: and introducing another person is only going to complicate everything 543 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:53,280 Speaker 1: everything the purpose again, remember we're separating for a purpose, 544 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:58,600 Speaker 1: and that purpose, hopefully is to reconcile your marriage. You 545 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:04,200 Speaker 1: can't reconcile your marriage with Lolita in the picture. So 546 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:10,760 Speaker 1: do not date while you're separated under any circumstances. Don't 547 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,240 Speaker 1: do it. Then people will still be there in a 548 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:17,160 Speaker 1: year or two if you all decide to get divorced. 549 00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:20,440 Speaker 1: But while you are still married, not only is it 550 00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 1: christ like like you're committing adultery, you really are, but 551 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:32,120 Speaker 1: it's just unethical and it's unwise. Don't do it. The 552 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:38,000 Speaker 1: fourth conversation that you absolutely must have is sex. Wow, 553 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:43,160 Speaker 1: this one really confuses a lot of people. Well, we're married, 554 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,520 Speaker 1: I mean, shouldn't we still be having sex. That's a 555 00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 1: conversation you guys are gonna have to have. I will 556 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,080 Speaker 1: give you my personal opinion. I am not telling you 557 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,120 Speaker 1: this is from the Lord. This is not from God. 558 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,200 Speaker 1: This is from Dana. I do not believe that you 559 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:00,520 Speaker 1: need to be having sex when you're separated, because it 560 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 1: complicates everything. It's like dating, you know, but now you're 561 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:08,120 Speaker 1: like dating each other, but you're separated, and it's weird. 562 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:13,400 Speaker 1: It's just weird because, first of all, sex creates and 563 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: emotional attachments. It just does. So if you are separated, 564 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,120 Speaker 1: because you're supposed to be both working on yourselves, you're 565 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,800 Speaker 1: supposed to be having some goals that you're trying to achieve. 566 00:32:25,280 --> 00:32:28,480 Speaker 1: When you throw sex in there, it complicates things because 567 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: you're forging or fortifying I should say that emotional attachment. 568 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:35,440 Speaker 1: So you're going to feel like things are getting better, 569 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,200 Speaker 1: but things aren't really getting better. You're just having good sex. 570 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 1: I mean, can we just be blunt. You're just having 571 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,920 Speaker 1: good sex, and you're going to think, oh, our communication 572 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 1: is improving. No it's not. No, it's not. You just 573 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:51,440 Speaker 1: had an orgasm, that's it. So I don't believe that 574 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,600 Speaker 1: you need to be having sex. The other thing is 575 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,120 Speaker 1: it for women. And I don't want to generalize here, 576 00:32:56,400 --> 00:33:00,760 Speaker 1: but I am because I just think it's true for women. 577 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,840 Speaker 1: A lot of women will get their feelings attached more so. 578 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:06,760 Speaker 1: And then that man, that husband that you're separating from, 579 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:09,440 Speaker 1: he's going back to his apartment, living his little single 580 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,720 Speaker 1: man life. And now your heart is crushed because you're like, 581 00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:14,720 Speaker 1: we just had sex and I thought we were working 582 00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,080 Speaker 1: on our marriage, and then he had sex with me 583 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,479 Speaker 1: and left and went back to his apartment, and now 584 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:23,640 Speaker 1: you're feeling like an old drunk college girl that woke 585 00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:28,760 Speaker 1: up in a empty bed, like, don't do it. It 586 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:32,800 Speaker 1: just complicates everything. If you are trying to work on 587 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 1: your marriage, and this is another thing. If you're trying 588 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:36,600 Speaker 1: to work on your marriage, then you're going to need 589 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,000 Speaker 1: to fortify those things that are weak, those areas that 590 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:41,600 Speaker 1: a week now you might be saying, well, what if 591 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:46,720 Speaker 1: sex was a reason that we separated? Well, if you 592 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: go back and listen to the earlier part of this episode. 593 00:33:48,880 --> 00:33:50,960 Speaker 1: You didn't hear me mention sex as being one of 594 00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:55,840 Speaker 1: the reasons I believe constitutes a separation. That's a skill 595 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 1: that you can learn, that is something that is easily addressed, 596 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:04,360 Speaker 1: and coach or counseling not necessarily a good reason for separation, 597 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 1: So it complicates things. But do what you want. I'm 598 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 1: just telling you, I don't think that you need to 599 00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:16,560 Speaker 1: be having sex while you're separated, all right, There is 600 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 1: so much more that I want to share with you, 601 00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 1: and I want to help you to develop a plan 602 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,440 Speaker 1: of separation. Not because I love separation, I love marriage. 603 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:27,279 Speaker 1: I want you to work on your marriage. I want 604 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,120 Speaker 1: you to stick and stay and fight and make this 605 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,600 Speaker 1: marriage what it can be. But there are times, again, 606 00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,120 Speaker 1: like I mentioned before, that you may need to separate, 607 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,399 Speaker 1: and so if that's you, I want to be able 608 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:41,959 Speaker 1: to help you to develop a plan. So be sure 609 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:43,799 Speaker 1: to come back next week because I'm going to be 610 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:48,600 Speaker 1: talking to you about what a good plan is for separation. 611 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:54,920 Speaker 1: In the meantime, Friends, if your marriage has any shred 612 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:59,279 Speaker 1: of hope, which I believe all of your marriages have, 613 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:05,680 Speaker 1: apps solutely huge potentials for hope, or you wouldn't be 614 00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,880 Speaker 1: listening to me right now. Do not separate unless you 615 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:14,200 Speaker 1: absolutely feel that there is just no other way for 616 00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:19,880 Speaker 1: my own physical safety, emotional, mental health, whatever. This is 617 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:23,759 Speaker 1: the only thing that we can do. And again, even 618 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,719 Speaker 1: if you decide to separate, make sure that it's with 619 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:31,480 Speaker 1: a purpose, know those smart goals. And I believe that 620 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:34,879 Speaker 1: if you do this the right way, a separation can 621 00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:40,560 Speaker 1: actually be a stepping stone toward a more fulfilling marriage. 622 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,759 Speaker 1: So thanks so much for listening. I would love to 623 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:48,760 Speaker 1: help you all to start having some of these conversations 624 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,920 Speaker 1: starters when you're in conflict, because what I realize is 625 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,200 Speaker 1: that a lot of times people get divorced and people 626 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:59,200 Speaker 1: get separated not for the big reasons. Usually it's the adultery, 627 00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:02,640 Speaker 1: the abuse, the of the addiction are not usually the 628 00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:08,839 Speaker 1: reasons that people get divorced. It's communication, it's finances, it's 629 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:11,440 Speaker 1: not feeling needed or wanted or appreciated. And I can 630 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:13,840 Speaker 1: help you with all of those things. So be sure 631 00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:18,440 Speaker 1: to download my conversation starters for couples in conflict. You 632 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:23,000 Speaker 1: can get that at Danashay dot com forward slash Conversation Starters, 633 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: And if you have not picked up my brand new book, 634 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:30,920 Speaker 1: Tried and True for Marriages in the Middle. You need 635 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,759 Speaker 1: to get this book. Okay. I'm sharing with you some 636 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,120 Speaker 1: very very practical steps from stories in the Bible couples 637 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,239 Speaker 1: just like you who have been through stuff just like you, 638 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,959 Speaker 1: who were able to not only make their marriages work, 639 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:46,600 Speaker 1: but thrive as individuals and couples. So you can get 640 00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: tried and true at Tried and True marriage book dot com. 641 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:52,520 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening or watching. I will see 642 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:53,640 Speaker 1: you next time. Take care,