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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Danache and welcome to the

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Speaker 1: Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. So being tempted in and of

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Speaker 1: itself is not a sin. I want you to hear

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Speaker 1: me on that being tempted is not a sin. We

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Speaker 1: are all going to face temptation. I want to. I

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Speaker 1: want you to listen to something out of First Corinthians,

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Speaker 1: Chapter ten. I'm gonna start at verse twelve. It says,

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Speaker 1: if you think you are standing strong, be careful not

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Speaker 1: to fall. That's all of you. I got this. I'm good.

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Speaker 1: I'm never gonna fall you. Okay. If you think that

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Speaker 1: you're standing strong, be careful not to fall. Listen to

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Speaker 1: verse thirteen. The temptations in your life are no different

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Speaker 1: than what others experience, and God is faithful. He will

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Speaker 1: not allow the temptation to be more than what you

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Speaker 1: can stand. Hey. Hey, everybody at Stay a Shae and

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Speaker 1: you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast today. I

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Speaker 1: am going to break down what I am calling the

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Speaker 1: anatomy of an affair. Maybe you're married and you're considering

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Speaker 1: having an affair. Maybe there's somebody that you're attracted to

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Speaker 1: at work, there's somebody in your life who's kind of

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Speaker 1: gotten your attention, and you would never, of course admit

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Speaker 1: this to anybody, but you know that you are teet

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Speaker 1: or tottering on the verge of having an affair, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you think that your spouse might be about to

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Speaker 1: have an affair. Maybe you've noticed that they're attracted us

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Speaker 1: to somebody, or maybe they've been talking about somebody a

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Speaker 1: little too much. You're starting to notice them becoming a

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Speaker 1: little too close with someone, and you're afraid that your

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Speaker 1: marriage is about to fall into infidelity. Well, friends, if

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Speaker 1: you are a new listener to the podcast, you might

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Speaker 1: not know, but this is my story. My husband, Sean

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Speaker 1: and I have been married for twenty seven years, and

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Speaker 1: both of us had an affair and are marriage. Sean

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Speaker 1: actually had multiple affairs, and through the course of a

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Speaker 1: lot of work, a lot of therapy, a lot of grace,

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Speaker 1: a lot of forgiveness, a lot of work, the Lord

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Speaker 1: restored our marriage. So I'm talking to you today out

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Speaker 1: of a place of experience. I'm also talking to you

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Speaker 1: today as a marriage coach, as someone who walks couples

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Speaker 1: through this whole process of a fair recovery. One of

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Speaker 1: the things though, before we can even talk about a

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Speaker 1: fair recovery is we have to break down what happened.

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Speaker 1: Most of the couples that I work with do not

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Speaker 1: understand how they got there. Most of them had great marriages.

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Speaker 1: Most of them never stood at the altar thinking that

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Speaker 1: this is where their marriage was going to end up

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Speaker 1: one day. But here they are. And so what I'm

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Speaker 1: going to be sharing with you today is this process

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Speaker 1: of how we go from standing at an altar saying

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Speaker 1: I do and I love you, to our marriage crumbling

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Speaker 1: because of an affair. Now, let me just start off

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Speaker 1: by telling you that I again believe most people do

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Speaker 1: not intend to have an affair. Most people do not

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Speaker 1: intend to be unfaithful. Most people do not intend to cheat.

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Speaker 1: There are some people who do, like there are some

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Speaker 1: people who get married with a girlfriend or a boyfriend

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Speaker 1: on the side already and they just had never had

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Speaker 1: any intention of being faithful. But I think that those

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Speaker 1: situations are more rare. So I'm going to speak to

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Speaker 1: kind of the wide lane, the general population of people

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Speaker 1: who get married, people who never expect for their marriages

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Speaker 1: to end up in infidelity. So today I want to

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Speaker 1: read to you a story some of you might be

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Speaker 1: familiar with the story. This might be a brand new

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Speaker 1: story to many of you if you did not grow

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Speaker 1: up in the church, if you don't know some of

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Speaker 1: the main stories of the Bible, and it's the story

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Speaker 1: of David and Bathsheba. David was the greatest king of

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Speaker 1: Israel who ever lived, and David was unfaithful. Now, let

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Speaker 1: me also be very clear to say that Bathsheba was

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Speaker 1: not an a fair partner. Okay, this was literally what

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Speaker 1: we would consider today to be a sexual will assault.

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Speaker 1: Bathsheba did not go looking for David. Bathsheba was not

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Speaker 1: some loose woman out here trying to tempt him. I'm

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Speaker 1: sorry if you've been told that that is not the truth.

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Speaker 1: That is not what the Bible teaches at all. Bathsheba

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Speaker 1: was literally mining her own business and the most powerful

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Speaker 1: man in the world came at her, and she had

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Speaker 1: no choice. Back then, in biblical times, as a woman,

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Speaker 1: you did not have autonomy. You certainly did not have

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Speaker 1: the ability to say no to the king. And so

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Speaker 1: I want to be very very clear that I do

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Speaker 1: not consider Bathsheba and a fair partner. So we're not

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Speaker 1: looking at Bathsheba's actions. We are simply looking at David's

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Speaker 1: actions and how David went from this wonderful man of God,

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Speaker 1: this man after God's own heart, the king of Israel,

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Speaker 1: a worshiper. How did he get from there to this unfaithful, deceptive,

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Speaker 1: murderous man. If you continue to read the story, you'll

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Speaker 1: see that David had her husband killed. So we're not

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Speaker 1: going to read all of that, but I am going

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Speaker 1: to start off just reading a couple of key verses

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Speaker 1: out of Second Samuel chapter eleven. All right, story time,

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Speaker 1: listen up. It says in the spring of the year,

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Speaker 1: when kings normally go out to war, David sent Joe

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Speaker 1: Ab and the Israelite army to fight the Ammonites. So

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Speaker 1: let's just pause right there. Where was David supposed to

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Speaker 1: be at war? Okay, let's look at what David does. Though,

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Speaker 1: they the Israelite army destroyed the Ammonite army and laid

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Speaker 1: siege to the city of Raba. However, David stayed behind

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Speaker 1: in Jerusalem. So where was David at home chillin'? Where

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Speaker 1: was he supposed to be at war with the other kings?

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Speaker 1: So he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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Speaker 1: Just tuck that away for later. All right, Let's keep

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Speaker 1: breathing verse two. Late one afternoon, after his midday rest,

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Speaker 1: David got out of bed and was walking on the

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Speaker 1: roof of the palace. As he looked out over the city,

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Speaker 1: he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath.

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Speaker 1: Let's pause right there, because again a lot of preachers

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Speaker 1: have preached, says, Oh, Bathsheba was on the roof. She

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Speaker 1: was being loose, she was being provocative. She made David stumble. No, sir, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what happened was Bathsheba was on her rooftop taking a

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Speaker 1: bath after her menstrel cycle, which, if you continue to

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Speaker 1: read the Bible is very graphic. Okay, if you continue

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Speaker 1: to read, you'll see this year just gotten off her period.

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Speaker 1: She is on the rooftop taking a bath, which was

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Speaker 1: their custom. David was the king, which means that he

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Speaker 1: lived in a palace which would have been high up.

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Speaker 1: David would have had a high vantage point to overlook

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Speaker 1: the entire city. So Bathsheba was doing nothing wrong. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Bathsheba was simply doing what was in her right to do,

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Speaker 1: taking a bath on the rooftop, which probably had some

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Speaker 1: sort of covering around it. But again, if you are

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Speaker 1: looking at someone's house over a palace, you're gonna be

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Speaker 1: able to see through any kind of covering. So verse three,

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Speaker 1: it says he sent someone after he notices this woman

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Speaker 1: of unusual beauty, he sent someone out to find out

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Speaker 1: who she was, and he was told she is Bathsheba,

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Speaker 1: the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.

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Speaker 1: Verse four, Then David sent messengers to get her, and

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Speaker 1: when she came to the palace, he slept with her.

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Speaker 1: I want you to understand that when he sent messengers

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Speaker 1: to get her, that was not like a simple request. Okay,

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Speaker 1: this was an edict of the king. You're coming with us.

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Speaker 1: This is why Bathsheba was not in a fair partner.

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Speaker 1: Bathsheba had no choice but to go with David. She

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Speaker 1: had just completed the purification right after having her menstrual period.

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Speaker 1: Then she returned home. Verse five later, when Bathsheba discovered

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Speaker 1: that she was pregnant, she sent David a message saying

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Speaker 1: I'm pregnant. Now we're not going to go into the

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Speaker 1: rest of that story, but if you keep reading, you

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Speaker 1: will know that. Then Dave comes up with this whole plan.

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Speaker 1: He's trying to cover up his sin, right, He's like, oh, shoot.

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Speaker 1: Not only did I sin and thought that I got

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Speaker 1: away with it, but now there's some evidence coming in

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Speaker 1: about nine months, and so now he's gonna concoct this crazy,

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Speaker 1: horrible plan that's going to end up in the death

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Speaker 1: of a man and the betrayal of an army officer.

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Speaker 1: But we won't get into all of that again. You

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Speaker 1: can continue to read if you'd like, and that I

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Speaker 1: just read to you from Second Samuel, chapter eleven. So

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Speaker 1: I'm going to use that story as our backdrop, as

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Speaker 1: our data point, if you will, to break down the

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Speaker 1: anatomy of an affair, because this is very instructive. Now,

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Speaker 1: maybe you're not in an army, you're probably not a king,

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Speaker 1: you probably are not going to have this exact story,

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Speaker 1: but if you have ever been unfaithful, you will be

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Speaker 1: able to see the steps that David took are likely

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Speaker 1: the exact same steps that you took. And if you've

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Speaker 1: never had an affair, or again, maybe you're the spouse

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Speaker 1: thinking is my spouse being unfaithful? I'm going to help

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Speaker 1: you to be able to track this is how affairs happen. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so before we get into all of that, I want

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Speaker 1: to make sure that you have some practical tools at

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Speaker 1: your disposal. How do you know if your marriage is

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Speaker 1: vulnerable to an affair? So I've put together a really

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Speaker 1: simple quiz and it's called is my relationship at risk

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Speaker 1: for an affair? I would highly recommend that you take

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Speaker 1: this quiz. You can find it at danashay dot com

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Speaker 1: slash a Fair Quiz. That's d A N A c

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Speaker 1: che dot com slash a Fair Quiz. It's about ten

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Speaker 1: questions you'll be able to answer what's going on in

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Speaker 1: your relationship. It'll take you about two minutes. And this

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Speaker 1: is not only going to help you to discover where

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Speaker 1: you really are in your relationship. Obviously you're listening to

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Speaker 1: this episode probably because you've made maybe you've had some

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Speaker 1: h suspicions or inclinations, or maybe you want to help

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Speaker 1: someone else out in their life. Pass on the quiz

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Speaker 1: to them, and at the end of that quiz you're

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Speaker 1: going to be able to see is your relationship actually

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Speaker 1: at risk or maybe you're reading a little bit too

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Speaker 1: much into things, and then of course going to give

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Speaker 1: you some helpful resources no matter how you score on

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Speaker 1: the quiz. So go ahead and head over to Danashaye

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Speaker 1: dot com. Ford slash a Fair quiz. We're gonna take

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Speaker 1: a quick break for a word from our sponsor, and

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Speaker 1: right when we come back from the break, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: jump right into the anatomy of an affair. All right, friends,

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Speaker 1: we are back. Hopefully you've already taken the quiz. If not,

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Speaker 1: make sure to bookmarket. Go ahead and go to Danashay

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Speaker 1: dot com fort slash a fair quiz. Go ahead and

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Speaker 1: bookmarket so that you can take it later. All right,

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Speaker 1: let's jump right into this, you guys. We just write

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Speaker 1: our story about David and Bathsheba. How David brings Bathsheba

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Speaker 1: in and he has sex with her. He has an affair,

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Speaker 1: he commits adultery, he is unfaithful. But how did he

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Speaker 1: get there? Okay? The first thing that I want you

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Speaker 1: to notice, remember that I said that David was supposed

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Speaker 1: to be at war. The Bible opens up the story

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Speaker 1: telling us that in the springtime when kings are at war,

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Speaker 1: so David should have been at war. He was not.

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Speaker 1: So that's the first thing is that usually you're in

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Speaker 1: the wrong place at the wrong time. You're scrolling the

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Speaker 1: internet at two am, you are hanging around that coworker's desk,

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Speaker 1: a little bit too much. You're spending too much time

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Speaker 1: out with the boys or with your girls at the

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Speaker 1: bar at two am or twelve pm or twelve pm

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Speaker 1: twelve am. You're in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're in the wrong place in your marriage. Maybe

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Speaker 1: instead of working through your marriage problems, you're in the

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Speaker 1: wrong place because you've got this laundry list of all

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Speaker 1: of your spouse's weaknesses and failures, and that's where you

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Speaker 1: spend all your time. It's thinking about all the things

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Speaker 1: that your spouse is not, all the ways that your

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Speaker 1: spouse is not meeting your needs. You're in the wrong place.

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Speaker 1: So that was David's number one mistake. Number two. Though

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Speaker 1: we see that David has this desire, Okay, I want

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Speaker 1: you to think about what are your desires because the

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Speaker 1: desire stage is not sinful. We all have desires, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not just talking about sexual desires. I don't believe

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Speaker 1: that David woke up having a sexual desire. I personally

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Speaker 1: believe that David woke up having a desire to conquer something.

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Speaker 1: You know how, when you wake up out of like

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Speaker 1: a good nap, you're probably hungry, right Because we don't

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Speaker 1: see anywhere here that he ate it. Just as he

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Speaker 1: woke up, he starts walking around the rooftop right. So

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Speaker 1: I believe that David probably was sitting there thinking about

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Speaker 1: all the other kings who are at war. He was

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Speaker 1: probably thinking, I wonder what's happening in the battle. David

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Speaker 1: was a warrior. I think that David was looking for

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Speaker 1: something to conquer. Now this is my own personal opinion.

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Speaker 1: This is not biblical, but I think that he was

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Speaker 1: looking for something to do. He was probably bored. Think

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Speaker 1: about how many times you've sinned out of boredom. Might

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Speaker 1: not be a sexual sin. Maybe you over ate because

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Speaker 1: you were bored. Y'all know how it is. You're not hungry,

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Speaker 1: but you're bored. So we go and stand in front

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Speaker 1: of that refrigerator, right, hold it open. We're looking look

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Speaker 1: and look at Oh there's my ice cream. Oh there's

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Speaker 1: that cake that I bought two weeks ago that I

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Speaker 1: should have thrown out. But there it is, there's that thing,

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Speaker 1: and we overeat. Or maybe there's a time that you've

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Speaker 1: been bored and you find yourself in a place where

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Speaker 1: you know you shouldn't be, and you know you wouldn't

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Speaker 1: be there if you were not bored. One of the

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Speaker 1: things that Sean tells me all the time is in

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Speaker 1: its biblical actually, an idle mind is the devil's playground, right,

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Speaker 1: But Sean tells me this. He says, you know, when

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Speaker 1: I was going through all of my infidelities, the biggest

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Speaker 1: thing was I was just bored. I had too much

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Speaker 1: time on my hands. So if you find yourself having

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Speaker 1: too much time on your hands, you need to get

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Speaker 1: a hobby. I'm serious. You need to find something to do.

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Speaker 1: Call somebody, take a walk, go for a run, draw, color, paint, create,

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Speaker 1: do something so that you're not just sitting there with

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Speaker 1: all of this idle time on your hands and your

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Speaker 1: mind is just starting to spiral. So there was some

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Speaker 1: sort of desire that David had. What happens after he

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Speaker 1: has this desire, Well, the third stage and the anatomy

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Speaker 1: of an affair is he was attracted to something. There

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Speaker 1: was an attraction there. The Bible says about Shiba was

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Speaker 1: a woman of unusual beauty, so there was something about

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Speaker 1: her that made David go ooh. Now I want to

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Speaker 1: talk for a second about attraction. I was on a podcast.

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Speaker 1: I was a guest on another podcast that should be

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Speaker 1: releasing in a couple of weeks here. But the host

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Speaker 1: and I were talking about is it wrong as a

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Speaker 1: married person to be attracted to somebody else? Now, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to tell you. Conventional wisdom would say yes,

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Speaker 1: if you're married, then you shouldn't be out here being

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Speaker 1: attracted to people. I don't believe that. I don't believe that.

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Speaker 1: I don't believe when you get married your eyes fall

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Speaker 1: out and you just are never going to be attracted

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Speaker 1: to anybody else. That's silly. You are going to still

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Speaker 1: find people attractive. I find men attractive. My husband, I'm

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Speaker 1: sure finds women attractive. Is that a sin? Oh my gosh, No,

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Speaker 1: that'd be just like me being like you, finding cake

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Speaker 1: attractive is wrong, You finding alcohol enticing is wrong. It's

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Speaker 1: not a sin to be attracted too. But what happens

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Speaker 1: is what do you do with that attraction. Now, if

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Speaker 1: I see a man and I'm like, ooh, that guy

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Speaker 1: is pretty cute, and then I start trying to make

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Speaker 1: myself appealing to him, boom, there's the sin before it

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Speaker 1: even gets down to the sexual affair part. When I

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Speaker 1: take that next step and I try to make myself

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Speaker 1: more appealing to him or I go like David did

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Speaker 1: on an investigation. This would be like in our modern

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Speaker 1: day time. David started scrolling through her Instagram. He starts

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Speaker 1: trying to find out more about her. He DMS her

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Speaker 1: because what did David do? David then sends men to

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Speaker 1: go find out who is she? Tell me about this

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Speaker 1: lady he's investigating. He wants to know her. He's he's

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Speaker 1: taking his shot, shooting his shot, if you will. This

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Speaker 1: is wrong. So is the attraction in and of itself wrong?

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Speaker 1: When you see something or someone that you're attracted to,

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Speaker 1: is that a sin? No, But you'd better be careful

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Speaker 1: what you do next. I have this story. I tell

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Speaker 1: it on the podcast that I was a guest on.

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Speaker 1: I've probably said it on this podcast. A friend and

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Speaker 1: I were having lunch. This is several years ago. Friend

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Speaker 1: and I were having lunch at this cute little lunch

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Speaker 1: place right near the hospital here in our local area.

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Speaker 1: And so I'm sitting at the table and I look

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Speaker 1: up and this beautiful man walks in. Okay, this man

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Speaker 1: was gorgeous, all right. And so he sits down at

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Speaker 1: the table across from us, and I can see on

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Speaker 1: his little badge it's at doctor so and so, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my Lord, Jesus and Heaven and

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Speaker 1: all of the holy angels. I tell my friend, we

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Speaker 1: got to switch seats, switch seats with me. And she's

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Speaker 1: looking at me, and I was like, you will understand

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Speaker 1: when we switch seats. So we switch seats and she

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Speaker 1: looks up and she goes, oh my gosh, Dana, oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, Oh my gosh. And I'm like, Listenyll, you

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Speaker 1: got to keep it together, says Okay, I asked you

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Speaker 1: to switch seats because I didn't think you were going

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Speaker 1: to be attracted to the man because he was a

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Speaker 1: different race. Not that that matter, but she probably I

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Speaker 1: didn't think would be attracted to this man because he

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Speaker 1: was a different race than her. I was wrong. She

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Speaker 1: was attracted to and we were both married, so we're

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Speaker 1: both struggling. And I was like, all right, we gotta go,

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Speaker 1: we gotta go. And now, for some people that's so extra,

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Speaker 1: Like Dana, you literally left a restaurant because you saw

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Speaker 1: an attractive man. This was a man of unusual beauty. Okay.

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Speaker 1: And I'm telling you this because y'all we need to

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Speaker 1: be able to be honest. We are going to find

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Speaker 1: people attractive. I've told Sean this story. He didn't like

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Speaker 1: it when I first told him. He's probably not gonna

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Speaker 1: like it when he listens to this podcast. But this

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Speaker 1: is real life. You're gonna find people attractive, and that

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Speaker 1: is okay. But you cannot linger. You cannot stay and

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Speaker 1: be like, well, I'm strong, I am a pastor, and

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Speaker 1: I am not strong enough to sit there and keep

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Speaker 1: looking at that man. So we left. David did not leave.

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Speaker 1: David begins to investigate. And this is David's cardinal sin.

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Speaker 1: This is where it all went wrong. This is where

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Speaker 1: it all fell apart. Because we to ourselves, y'all. We

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Speaker 1: tell ourselves all the time. I'm stronger. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to fall into that. I'm smart. I would never do

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Speaker 1: that to my spouse. This is just my friend. I

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Speaker 1: would never sleep with this person. I love my spouse.

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Speaker 1: You can love your spouse and cheat on them at

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Speaker 1: the same time, Oh yes you can. So David made

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Speaker 1: the mistake by allowing that attraction, that desire that he

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Speaker 1: had to conquer something, which I believe was a desire

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Speaker 1: to conquer something to him being attracted to. Then the

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Speaker 1: next part is that he begins to be tempted, and

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Speaker 1: this is when he had a choice. So being tempted

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Speaker 1: in and of itself is not a sin. I want

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Speaker 1: you to hear me on that being tempted is not

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Speaker 1: a sin. We are all going to face temptation. I

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Speaker 1: want I want you to listen to something out of

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Speaker 1: First Corinthians, Chapter ten. I'm going to start at verse twelve.

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Speaker 1: It says, if you think you are standing strong, be

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Speaker 1: careful to fall. That's all of you. I got this.

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Speaker 1: I'm good. I'm never gonna fall you. Okay. If you

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Speaker 1: think that you're standing strong, be careful not to fall.

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Speaker 1: Listen to verse thirteen. The temptations in your life are

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Speaker 1: no different than what others experience, and God is faithful.

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Speaker 1: He will not allow the temptation to be more than

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Speaker 1: what you can stand. When you are tempted, he will

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Speaker 1: show you a way out so that you can endure.

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Speaker 1: I love that scripture so much I could do an

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Speaker 1: entire podcast episode on that scripture alone. These are the

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Speaker 1: things that I want to pull out of that passage. Though. One,

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Speaker 1: you're not as strong as you think you are. Number two,

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Speaker 1: everybody's tempted. If somebody tells you, I'm never tempted. They're lying.

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Speaker 1: They're lying. Now. They might not be tempted in all

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Speaker 1: the ways that you are, but we all are tempted.

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Speaker 1: I tell my kids this all the time. I have

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Speaker 1: to fight temptation every single day, just like y'all do.

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Speaker 1: I'm not tempted to go evape because I have no

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Speaker 1: desire for that. You're not going to be tempted in

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Speaker 1: things that you have no desire for. I'm not desirous

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Speaker 1: of drugs or vaping or any of that stuff, so

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Speaker 1: that's not a temptation for me. But there are temptations

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Speaker 1: for me, like glory, like exaggerating, like covering up something

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Speaker 1: that I did. I mean, all of those things are

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Speaker 1: temptations for me, and I have to fight those things,

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Speaker 1: just like there are temptations that you have to fight.

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Speaker 1: And when I saw that beautiful man in that lunch place,

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Speaker 1: I don't know if that was gonna be a temptation

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Speaker 1: or not, but I sure was not going to wait

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Speaker 1: around and see. So you're not as strong as you

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Speaker 1: think you are. All of us are tempted. And then

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Speaker 1: the third thing is the Bible says that there is

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Speaker 1: no temptation that God is going to allow to come

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Speaker 1: in your way. I don't believe that God tempts us.

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Speaker 1: The Bible is very clear in the Book of James

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Speaker 1: that God does not tempt us with evil. But God

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Speaker 1: is not going to allow you to be tempted beyond

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Speaker 1: what you can handle because right because a lot of

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Speaker 1: people want to put a period there, like, see, I

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Speaker 1: could handle this temptation, No, no, you can't. The reason

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Speaker 1: that He's not gonna put or allow you to have

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Speaker 1: more temptation that you can endure is because there's a comma.

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Speaker 1: He will make a way of escape for you. So

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Speaker 1: the problem is most people never look for the way

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Speaker 1: of escape. They just sit there with the temptation and

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Speaker 1: they try to fight it on their own and they

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Speaker 1: and then they wonder like how did I end up here?

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Speaker 1: Because you're not strong enough to handle it on your own.

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Speaker 1: So you have to learn how to be more aware

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Speaker 1: and discerning of the way out that God is going

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Speaker 1: to give you. For me that day, my way out

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Speaker 1: was literally getting up out of that place, leaving the restaurant.

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Speaker 1: And maybe for you that's extra and maybe that's why

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Speaker 1: you're falling into infidelity. And I'm no longer doing that

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Speaker 1: because if my boundaries are extra to you. That is fine.

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Speaker 1: They keep me safe, they keep my marriage safe. So

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Speaker 1: you have got to understand that once the desire happens,

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Speaker 1: then you have this attraction, then you're tempted. You've got

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Speaker 1: a choice. You've got a choice. None of us are

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Speaker 1: the victims of our own sin. It is our choice.

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Speaker 1: I could have stayed there and been like, oh man,

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Speaker 1: I could have maybe what if he what I would

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Speaker 1: I have done if he would have came over and

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Speaker 1: asked for my number? I don't know, I'm telling you,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I would hope that my godly self

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Speaker 1: would have been like, oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm married,

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Speaker 1: but I gotta send nature that's just as real as yours.

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Speaker 1: So I just don't put myself in situations you all. Now,

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Speaker 1: maybe somebody would tell you I would never I would

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Speaker 1: never good for them. I don't tempt my flesh like that.

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Speaker 1: I don't give my flesh any opportunities to be tempted

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Speaker 1: to that magnitude. I'm gonna go ahead and get it

427
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:40,160
Speaker 1: out of there. So after temptation, then what happens when

428
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,199
Speaker 1: you say no to the way out? That God has right?

429
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,439
Speaker 1: Because because when you're being tempted. You got a choice.

430
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,800
Speaker 1: Either I'm gonna take the way out that God has

431
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,200
Speaker 1: for me, or I'm gonna sit right here and tell

432
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,360
Speaker 1: myself that I'm strong enough and I can do it.

433
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,520
Speaker 1: So what happens is you're gonna fall when you when

434
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,200
Speaker 1: you choose option B, you're gonna fall. And then what

435
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:04,680
Speaker 1: happens is then you justify. So there's temptation than justification. Well,

436
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,239
Speaker 1: my wife and I aren't really on the same page anymore. Oh,

437
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 1: my husband and I aren't really sleeping together. Oh, you know,

438
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:13,960
Speaker 1: there's just a lot of things that are just going

439
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: wrong in our marriage. We've grown apart. Some people even

440
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 1: bring God into their justification. Well, if the Lord didn't

441
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,760
Speaker 1: want me to do it, he wouldn't have shown me

442
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,680
Speaker 1: that person. Well, well, the Lord allowed me to get

443
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,880
Speaker 1: that promotion, and now I have to travel every other

444
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,920
Speaker 1: weekend with this person. And if it wasn't God, then

445
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:34,560
Speaker 1: I wouldn't He would have blocked it. I wouldn't have

446
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: gotten the promotion. So you start to justify your decision

447
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 1: because you know what, none of us are good at

448
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:45,840
Speaker 1: doing holding shame one. We were never intended to hold

449
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:47,560
Speaker 1: it because we were never supposed to be sinning in

450
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,679
Speaker 1: the first place. Shame is a result of sin or

451
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 1: somebody else's sin. I talk about this in my book

452
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:57,800
Speaker 1: Tried and True. If you have been sexually violated, for example,

453
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,840
Speaker 1: you can feel shame, or if you have sexually violated,

454
00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:05,439
Speaker 1: you can feel shame. And so in the first chapter

455
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,960
Speaker 1: when I talk about Adam and Eve naked and unashamed,

456
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 1: I talk about how we were never intended to carry shame.

457
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: So what is our response to shame? We hide, we justify,

458
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,280
Speaker 1: We pretend like this was the only thing that I

459
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,040
Speaker 1: could have done. This was the right decision, and this

460
00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:24,360
Speaker 1: is what David did. He begins to justify I'm the king,

461
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 1: these people work for me. Oh Uryah, oh Uriyah is

462
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,960
Speaker 1: one of my officers, right, he begins to justify what

463
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,879
Speaker 1: he did. And then the final stage, and the anatomy

464
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 1: of an affair is it leads to devastation. Okay, it

465
00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 1: leads to sin. Your sin destroys. So in this story,

466
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:50,600
Speaker 1: what happened, so many things, so many devastating things. Uryah,

467
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,560
Speaker 1: who was Bathsheba's husband, was killed. Joe Abb who was

468
00:24:54,600 --> 00:25:00,199
Speaker 1: the commander, has been now brought into this crazy the

469
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,159
Speaker 1: story of I Need You to put your riot in

470
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 1: the front line so that he can be killed. So

471
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:08,000
Speaker 1: now Joe Ebb is thinking, how did I get involved

472
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,120
Speaker 1: in all of this? And then their baby dies. Bathsheba

473
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 1: gets pregnant and the baby dies. There's so much grief,

474
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:20,920
Speaker 1: there's so much heartache, there's so much just lost that

475
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,960
Speaker 1: was not worth it. And what I want to tell

476
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,359
Speaker 1: you today, friend, if you are someone who is teet

477
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: or tottering on the edge of an affair, please let

478
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:34,760
Speaker 1: me tell you from step five it is not worth it.

479
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,080
Speaker 1: There is nothing that you are going to get out

480
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,119
Speaker 1: of that adulterous relationship that is gonna be worth what

481
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:46,119
Speaker 1: you're doing. Nothing, no good thing is gonna come out

482
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:50,359
Speaker 1: of it, not one good thing. And that's the truth.

483
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,320
Speaker 1: But the lies that we tell ourselves are I'm gonna

484
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 1: be better off, I'm gonna be happier, I'm gonna feel

485
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,399
Speaker 1: so alive again. Maybe you're feeling that. I feel so alive.

486
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,119
Speaker 1: This is what a lot of my couples tell me.

487
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:03,199
Speaker 1: When I was in that affair, I felt so alive,

488
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 1: I felt seen for the first time. That was my story.

489
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,720
Speaker 1: When I had an affair. I remember telling my therapist,

490
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,600
Speaker 1: this guy sees me, he just knows me. And what

491
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,400
Speaker 1: was I doing. I was comparing him to my husband,

492
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,160
Speaker 1: who Now, Sean's gonna have to become the bad guy

493
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 1: because I got to justify this thing, right, So Sean

494
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 1: didn't see me, Sean doesn't know me, Sean doesn't listen

495
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,880
Speaker 1: to me, Sean doesn't doesn't. Oh, but this other guy

496
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:33,480
Speaker 1: does all these things. And I was deceived and you

497
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:38,199
Speaker 1: are too. If you're telling yourself that there is no

498
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,119
Speaker 1: good thing that it's going to come out of an

499
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: adulterous relationship, no good thing. And I'm talking to those

500
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,520
Speaker 1: of you. Maybe you married, you're a fair partner. God

501
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 1: bless you can God restore and redeem all things. Yes,

502
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 1: but you know, if you're honest with yourself, that has

503
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: been a rocky road and there is a level of

504
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,960
Speaker 1: regret that you will always carry with you. Now. I

505
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 1: don't believe in shame, but I'm also not one of

506
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 1: those people who's like, I don't have any regrets. I

507
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,240
Speaker 1: think people who live with no regrets are delusional. Do

508
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:13,199
Speaker 1: you have to sit there and think that you're the

509
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 1: worst person in the world because of all the past

510
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:17,919
Speaker 1: sins that you've done and your life can never amount

511
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,879
Speaker 1: to anything, because you know I'm not saying that, but

512
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: if you've been unfaithful to your spouse, you should have regrets.

513
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,639
Speaker 1: You should regret that. Oh well, no, I'm doing better. Okay,

514
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:33,440
Speaker 1: we'll see. I got my clock's running. We'll see how

515
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:41,679
Speaker 1: long that lasts. Because the divorce rate for second and

516
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:46,080
Speaker 1: third marriages are exponentially higher. And let me tell you,

517
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:48,680
Speaker 1: I don't even know what the specific stat is. I

518
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,720
Speaker 1: don't want to make up a stat but I will

519
00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 1: tell you that marriages that begin in an affair have

520
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,879
Speaker 1: an enormous divorce rate. You'd think that you can start

521
00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:02,399
Speaker 1: a relationship with body being unfaithful and that relationship is

522
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:07,040
Speaker 1: going to last. No why it worked one it defies

523
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:11,879
Speaker 1: the universal principle of reaping and sewing karma, whatever you

524
00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,080
Speaker 1: want to call it. You will get what you give.

525
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,720
Speaker 1: Second of all, you've already started your relationship off with

526
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,359
Speaker 1: the foundation of deception and mistrust. That's the foundation of

527
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 1: your new relationship. So I'm not here today to discourage

528
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,720
Speaker 1: you from feeling like God can redeem and restore. But

529
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:37,400
Speaker 1: I am here exactly to discourage you from ever thinking

530
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:40,400
Speaker 1: that starting an affair is going to be a better

531
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,520
Speaker 1: option for you. It's not the same energy that you're

532
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,240
Speaker 1: putting into this new person. You could take that same

533
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 1: energy and put it to the one that you are

534
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:53,719
Speaker 1: with and work on rebuilding that relationship. That's what this

535
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:58,880
Speaker 1: podcast is all about. Rebuilding us. Not just rebuilding from affairs,

536
00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:05,080
Speaker 1: but rebuilding from brokenness, rebuilding from miscommunication, rebuilding from misunderstanding,

537
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 1: rebuilding from past failures. You can do it. It is

538
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 1: a lot easier than recovering from an affair. So I'm

539
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: gonna just let that sit right there. My job here

540
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:25,320
Speaker 1: is done. Please share this episode with anybody who you

541
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,320
Speaker 1: feel like might be about to have an affair. I'm serious.

542
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:32,600
Speaker 1: That flirtatious coworker at your job needs to hear this episode.

543
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:34,520
Speaker 1: I don't care if you've never talked to that person before.

544
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:38,840
Speaker 1: Slip them a little note and just say danashade dot com.

545
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 1: Slip them the note. They'll see it when they go

546
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:45,040
Speaker 1: to the website Danashay dot com Forward Slash Podcast. They'll

547
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:47,680
Speaker 1: see it first thing when they pull up that podcast.

548
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:52,360
Speaker 1: They will see this episode, and you will maybe have

549
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:55,040
Speaker 1: just saved their life for sure, their marriage for sure,

550
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,240
Speaker 1: their integrity for sure, their dignity, or maybe your own

551
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 1: so thanks so much for listening today. I will have

552
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: the show notes for this podcast at Danishshay dot com,

553
00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:13,640
Speaker 1: Forward Slash Marriage Dash Podcasts Slash four fourteen. Make sure

554
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 1: to take the affair quiz if you haven't already, you

555
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 1: can find that at Danashshay dot com, Forward Slash a

556
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 1: Fair Quiz. And if you have not already gotten my

557
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:25,120
Speaker 1: brand new book, Tried and True Marriage Advice from twelve

558
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 1: Imperfect Biblical Couples. I have a chapter on infidelity in

559
00:30:29,040 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 1: that book. I've got a chapter on pretty much anything

560
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 1: that you can imagine that you might experience in your marriage.

561
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,920
Speaker 1: You can get that at Tried and truemarriagebook dot com

562
00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,680
Speaker 1: or Danish Shay dot com, Ford Slash Tried and True.

563
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. I'll see you on the

564
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 1: next episode. Take care,