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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana See and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. Listen to me, friends, You

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Speaker 1: have no power without the word of God, the Bible

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Speaker 1: says in Matthew chapter six. Seek first the Kingdom of

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Speaker 1: God and his righteousness, and all these other things will

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Speaker 1: be added. Unto you. God is able to turn your

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Speaker 1: situation around, but first he wants to turn your eyes

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Speaker 1: to him. Hey friends, it's Danache and you're listening to

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Speaker 1: the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. In this episode today, we

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Speaker 1: are going to talk about something that is very near

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Speaker 1: and dear to my heart. It's a conversation that I'm

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Speaker 1: very passionate about talking about because I think that a

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Speaker 1: lot of couples that seek me out for marriage coaching,

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Speaker 1: they are really missing the big point. A lot of

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Speaker 1: couples seek me out because they're having communication issues. They

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Speaker 1: feel disconnected, maybe there's a lack of emotional connection, or

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Speaker 1: there's been some sort of even emotional abuse in their marriage.

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Speaker 1: A lot of couples are recovering from infidelity or betrayal.

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Speaker 1: And really, there is one thing that is at the

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Speaker 1: scene of every crime, and it is something that is

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Speaker 1: so easy to overlook. But when you see it. It

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Speaker 1: can make a world of difference in your marriage. I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about spiritual disconnection. Now, listen to me. Clearly, you

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Speaker 1: may not consider yourself to be a Christian, you might

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Speaker 1: not consider yourself to be quote religious, but I believe

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Speaker 1: that we are all body mind spirit. You have a body,

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Speaker 1: you have a spirit, and you have a soul. The

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Speaker 1: way that we connect in marriage is more than just physical.

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Speaker 1: It's more than just body to body, right, And this

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Speaker 1: is why you don't marry every person you sleep with,

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Speaker 1: hopefully right, because we know that we connect more than

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Speaker 1: just a physical What happens, though, is that couples then think, okay, yes,

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Speaker 1: we need to connect emotionally. That's that soul to soul connection.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of couples will put all of their

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Speaker 1: energy and effort into connecting emotionally, and that's better than

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Speaker 1: just connecting physically. But you're still missing something really important,

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Speaker 1: which is the spirit to spirit connection. When I wrote

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Speaker 1: the book Tried and True, my initial goal was to

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Speaker 1: help couples to be able to have spiritual conversations in

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Speaker 1: a way that released the pressure. Because if you're a

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Speaker 1: Christian and you're married, you know that you need to

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Speaker 1: be praying more together. Right, you know that you need

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Speaker 1: to be reading your Bible. You know these things, but

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Speaker 1: why don't many couples do these things? Many reasons, but

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Speaker 1: one of them is because couples often feel embarrassed, maybe

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Speaker 1: because their lack of Bible knowledge, or they don't know

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Speaker 1: where to start, They have no idea how to have

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Speaker 1: these conversations around faith. Maybe they feel ill equipped. And

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Speaker 1: so I wanted to create a resource that would lower

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Speaker 1: the pressure and at the same time would also be

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Speaker 1: able to help couples to be able to have a

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Speaker 1: better marriage. So when you get the book Tried and True,

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Speaker 1: not only are you going to be getting tools to

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Speaker 1: help your marriage, but more importantly, you are going to

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Speaker 1: get the tools to have a deeper connection with your

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Speaker 1: spouse around spiritual matters, but also to have a deeper

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Speaker 1: connection with the Lord. So let me start off by

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Speaker 1: saying this, if you want to have a long lasting, vibrant, healthy,

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Speaker 1: sustaining marriage, you are not going to be able to

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Speaker 1: do that on your own. You're just not. We are

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Speaker 1: too selfish as individuals. We are too self focused, we

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Speaker 1: are too flighty, we are too fickle. I mean, insert

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Speaker 1: your favorite adjective. Even the people with the best intentions

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Speaker 1: only go so far. Good intentions is a good start, Bill,

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Speaker 1: It will only take you so far. What do you

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Speaker 1: need to sustain a healthy marriage? You need something deeper

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Speaker 1: than just I love my spouse, or something deeper than

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Speaker 1: just we have kids together, or it's better financially if

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Speaker 1: we stay together, like, you're gonna need something a little

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Speaker 1: bit more than that. So I often use this analogy

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Speaker 1: when I'm helping couples to understand the proper process in

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Speaker 1: re establishing their connection. Well, again, a lot of couples

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Speaker 1: come to me they're disconnected. Maybe they haven't been intentional

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Speaker 1: about dating each other, they haven't been intentional about continuing

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Speaker 1: their friendship, they haven't been intentional about having some of

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Speaker 1: these deeper conversations. And so here they are. They're disconnected,

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Speaker 1: opposite sides of the aisle. How do we bring them

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Speaker 1: back together? Well, I liken this to this analogy, right,

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Speaker 1: I want you to imagine. If you're watching this on YouTube,

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Speaker 1: you can see me doing this, But if you are listening,

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Speaker 1: I want you to imagine a triangle. Okay, at the

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Speaker 1: apex at the tip of that triangle is God. Now

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Speaker 1: one point of the triangle is you and the and

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Speaker 1: the other point is your spouse. Okay, you track them

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Speaker 1: with me. There's three points of a triangle. The top

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Speaker 1: triangle or the top point is God. You're at one

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Speaker 1: point and your spouse is at the other point. If

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Speaker 1: you and your spouse begin to ascend this triangle together

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Speaker 1: toward God, what is happening to you and your spouse? Well,

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Speaker 1: naturally you're growing closer, right, And this is why I

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Speaker 1: encourage couples to spend time talking about your spiritual connection.

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Speaker 1: A lot of times, the problems that we face in

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Speaker 1: marriage are not what we think they are. You probably

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Speaker 1: have learned this your spouse and you. You start arguing

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Speaker 1: about money, it's not about the money. You start arguing

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Speaker 1: about the way that you discipline your children, It's not

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Speaker 1: about how you're really disciplining your children. You start arguing

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Speaker 1: about the in laws. None of those things that we

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Speaker 1: think are the problem are really the problem. Usually there

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Speaker 1: is a deep problem and we fail to see it.

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Speaker 1: So we start to fight our marriage problems with the

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Speaker 1: wrong tools. And this is why you're spinning your wheels.

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Speaker 1: This is why you're in therapy. Or you may go

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Speaker 1: to a marriage conference, or you might read a book,

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Speaker 1: or you might be trying to quote fix your marriage

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't seem like anything is working because you're

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Speaker 1: using the wrong tools. So what would happen if you

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Speaker 1: and your spouse said, you know, we're going to dedicate

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Speaker 1: the next thirty days or twenty one days or two weeks,

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Speaker 1: start somewhere. There's nothing magical about thirty days. I'm just

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Speaker 1: pulling these numbers out of the air here, but start somewhere.

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Speaker 1: Let's say you and your spouse say we're going to

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Speaker 1: take the next thirty days and we are going to

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Speaker 1: pray together every morning. And this is more than just

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Speaker 1: a thank you for waking us up, help us to

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Speaker 1: have a good day, a men prayer. This is we

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Speaker 1: are going to dedicate this time every day to praying

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Speaker 1: for one and anthers as individuals and for praying for

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Speaker 1: our marriage. If you do that for thirty days, you

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Speaker 1: will notice a significant decrease and the tension in your home.

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Speaker 1: You will notice that a lot of the things that

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Speaker 1: disconnected you before really don't matter anymore. Why, Because you're

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Speaker 1: ascending that triangle together, You're growing spiritually both of you,

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Speaker 1: and so naturally you're going to grow together as a couple. Well,

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Speaker 1: let's add in some other spiritual disciplines. Let's say you

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Speaker 1: decide we are going to choose a book of the Bible,

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Speaker 1: any book, just choose one. We're going to choose the

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Speaker 1: Book of the Bible, and we're going to start reading

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Speaker 1: that book together. We're going to talk about what we learned.

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Speaker 1: We're going to ask questions about you from each other

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Speaker 1: about what stood out to us. We are going to

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Speaker 1: dedicate some real time into getting into the Word of

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Speaker 1: God together as a couple. Friend, You're going to see results.

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Speaker 1: This isn't magic, it's just how life works. The Bible

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Speaker 1: says in Matthew chapter six, Seek first the Kingdom of

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Speaker 1: God and his righteousness, and all these other things will

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Speaker 1: be added unto you. All what other things, all the

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Speaker 1: other things that you've been praying about, all the things

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Speaker 1: that are stressing you out, All those things will be

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Speaker 1: added unto you when you first seek the Kingdom of God.

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Speaker 1: I truly believe that the enemy's playbook is distraction. That's

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Speaker 1: what he usually uses on most people. Now, he might

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Speaker 1: also trip you up with sin and addiction, and discouragement

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Speaker 1: and fear and anxiety and depression. In all of that, right,

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Speaker 1: But for the most part, he is going to use

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Speaker 1: distraction if he can keep you busy. This is why

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Speaker 1: I love John Mark Comer and his whole ministry. I mean,

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Speaker 1: he's written a book. One of my favorites from him

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Speaker 1: is The Ruthless Elimination of Her You should get that

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Speaker 1: book if you haven't read it already. But John Mark

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Speaker 1: Comer talks a lot about how we, especially American Christians,

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Speaker 1: we need to slow down, like, not even just American Christians,

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Speaker 1: really just American people, because we live in such a

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Speaker 1: rat race, right, Like we're hustling and bustling and we're

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Speaker 1: running and we're doing this thing, and we've got five

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Speaker 1: jobs and three businesses and five thousand bank accounts and

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Speaker 1: we're just too busy. And so if the enemy can

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Speaker 1: keep you distracted, if he can keep you busy, he

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to make you sin. He's still going to

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Speaker 1: accomplish his mission, which is to keep you disconnected from

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Speaker 1: the things of God, because that's where your power is.

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Speaker 1: Listen to me, friend, you have no power without the

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Speaker 1: word of God. You have no power without being in

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Speaker 1: the presence of God. You just don't. You can be

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Speaker 1: the nicest person, the most honest, most sincere, most well

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Speaker 1: intended person. And you are going to be absolutely powerless

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Speaker 1: until you prioritize your spiritual connection with the life. This

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Speaker 1: is why I love the picture of the cross. Imagine

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Speaker 1: a cross, the cross that Jesus died on. Right, A

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Speaker 1: lot of times we focus on the vertical relationship. Think

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Speaker 1: about that vertical beam on that cross. This is our

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Speaker 1: relationship with the Lord. Do you know that Jesus Christ

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Speaker 1: died not just to save you from your sins so

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Speaker 1: you won't go to hell one day, but also so

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Speaker 1: that you can have an unbroken relationship with the Father.

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Speaker 1: Like that is huge. Don't overstep that, Like, don't just think,

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Speaker 1: oh that's nice. I've got a relationship with God that

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Speaker 1: is worth everything that little old You get to have

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Speaker 1: a relationship with the ruler and the creator of the universe,

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Speaker 1: like what, And you get access to him whenever you want.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to go to a church, you don't

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Speaker 1: have to go through a priest, you don't have to

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Speaker 1: be perfect. You have access to him as long as

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Speaker 1: you have applied the blood of Jesus on your life

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Speaker 1: and said I I am a sinner, I know that

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Speaker 1: I need a savior and you have received Jesus into

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Speaker 1: your life. That is amazing. Like sometimes I just sit

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Speaker 1: in there and I think about that, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: what is my life? Like? I get to talk to

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Speaker 1: you God whenever I want about whatever I want. That's

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Speaker 1: that vertical beam. But I want you to now think

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Speaker 1: about that horizontal beam in the cross. This is our

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Speaker 1: relationship to other people. You see, Jesus didn't just die

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Speaker 1: for you to have access to the Father. He did

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Speaker 1: and that's amazing, that's great. But he also died so

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Speaker 1: that your relationships can be restored and the best relationship,

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Speaker 1: the most important relationship if you're married, is your relationship

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Speaker 1: with your spouse. Everything that you do in your life

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Speaker 1: is going to flow from that. That's why when your

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Speaker 1: relationship at home is troubled, everything else in your life sucks.

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Speaker 1: I mean it just does. You go to work, You're like,

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Speaker 1: I hate my job. You look at your kids like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, this is too hard. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to be a parent today. Like, every single thing is

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Speaker 1: affected when your marriage is troubled. So I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: to you that if you have a vibrant relationship with God,

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Speaker 1: you're going to have a perfect marriage. What I am

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Speaker 1: saying to you is that when you focus on your

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Speaker 1: relationship with God, it makes that vertical relationship that much easier.

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Speaker 1: Why because then you start to focus on yourself. I

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Speaker 1: had someone ask me a question today and they said,

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Speaker 1: why is it so important that we take personal responsibility

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Speaker 1: for ourselves when we're looking at our marriage? And I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I could write a whole book on that,

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Speaker 1: like literally, The reason is because when I spend all

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Speaker 1: my time, spending my wheels thinking about all the things

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Speaker 1: that's wrong with Sean, all the stuff he needs to change,

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Speaker 1: all the ways he needs to improve, he needs to grow,

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Speaker 1: and trust me, I'm tempted to do that, and I

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Speaker 1: fall into that temptation. But when I spend all my

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Speaker 1: time doing that, what's happening. Well, now I'm distracted from

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Speaker 1: the stuff that I actually need to work on and

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Speaker 1: that I can actually change. So now I'm stuck. But

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Speaker 1: I'm sitting here thinking about all the ways that he

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Speaker 1: needs to change. So nothing's changing, and I'm just getting

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Speaker 1: more resentful and more frustrated. And the enemy is over

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Speaker 1: there like AAA laughing because he's won. He's got you distracted,

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Speaker 1: and he's got you stuck. So we're going to take

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Speaker 1: a quick break. You know, I'm fired up. I'm literally

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Speaker 1: trying to contain myself right now because if I could

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Speaker 1: like look at you in your eyes right now. I

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Speaker 1: know some of you are looking at me on a screen,

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Speaker 1: but if I could see your face, I would put

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Speaker 1: my hands on your face gently like this, and I

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Speaker 1: would say, listen to me. This is easier than you

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Speaker 1: think it is. Stop making it harder. Okay, So we're

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Speaker 1: going to take a quick break for a word from

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Speaker 1: our sponsor. Used this time in the break to write

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Speaker 1: a podcast review. I got the sweetest podcast review from

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Speaker 1: someone in an email. I'll read that to you after

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Speaker 1: the break that don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1: All right, friends, welcome back. Before we go on, I

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Speaker 1: want to give you a little snippet of the latest

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Speaker 1: podcast review that we got. This person is Angel and Donovan,

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Speaker 1: and they write, trying to Survive. I can't tell you

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Speaker 1: how much your podcast has helped me, not only helping

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Speaker 1: me save my marriage, but my life. I didn't think

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Speaker 1: I would be able to survive this and be able

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Speaker 1: to go on until I picked up the phone and

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Speaker 1: look for help. I like to draw or color while listening,

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Speaker 1: and I want to thank you because you're out here

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Speaker 1: saving lives and probably don't even know that. And then

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Speaker 1: they go on to say that they are on month

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Speaker 1: five of finding out an affair about an affair after

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Speaker 1: a twenty two year marriage, and just what the podcast

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Speaker 1: has meant to them. And the reason that I love

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Speaker 1: reading these reviews is because you might find yourself, like

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Speaker 1: Angel and Donovan, having no idea of how to move forward.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you two started looking through the Yellow Pages. I

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Speaker 1: don't know what the phone book they're talking about. I'm

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Speaker 1: assuming I don't know. We don't have Yellow Pages anymore.

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Speaker 1: But they were looking through something and they found me,

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Speaker 1: and they found my podcast. And maybe you've been doing

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Speaker 1: a Google search, or maybe you stumbled upon this podcast

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Speaker 1: because a friend recommended it to you. However you found

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Speaker 1: this podcast, I believe that God led you here, and

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Speaker 1: I also believe that the reason that He brought you

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Speaker 1: here is deeper than just to save your marriage. I

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Speaker 1: had no idea like She's right, like I had or

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Speaker 1: he whoever, Angel or Donovan, I have no idea that

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Speaker 1: I'm out here quote saving lives. It's not me, it's

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Speaker 1: obviously God bringing his message through me to you. And

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Speaker 1: this is why I love podcasts, because you literally have

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Speaker 1: an opportunity to change everything in your life right now

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Speaker 1: if you would just simply understand what I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: tell you, that what you see with your natural eyes

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Speaker 1: is not all there is. I truly believe there is

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Speaker 1: always a supernatural, a spiritual entity at play. So this

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Speaker 1: is why, again, the enemy worked so hard to keep

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Speaker 1: us looking at our spouse as our enemy. There's a

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Speaker 1: scripture that says that for we wrestle not against flesh

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Speaker 1: and blood, but against principalities and rulers over the darkness. Now,

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Speaker 1: I know that sounds very sci fi like, what rulers

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Speaker 1: and spiritual forces of the darkness? What that scripture means

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Speaker 1: is the people that we think we're wrestling against flesh

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Speaker 1: and blood humans, right, people, humanity, Those are not your enemies.

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Speaker 1: The real enemies are the principalities. It's the philosophies that

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Speaker 1: make people act the way that they act. It's the

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Speaker 1: bad attitudes. It's the anxiety. It's the depression, it's the fear,

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Speaker 1: it's the insecurity. It's those things that are unseen that

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Speaker 1: have an effect on what we do. See. And so

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Speaker 1: if you spend all of your time focusing on what

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Speaker 1: you do see and focusing on that person who's making

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Speaker 1: you mad, and focusing on that person who seems to

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Speaker 1: be the problem and the bane of your existence, right,

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Speaker 1: if you start focusing or continue to focus on all

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Speaker 1: of that, you are going to waste a lot of

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Speaker 1: time the wrong enemies. So my encouragement to you throughout

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Speaker 1: everything that I've been sharing, not just as I've been

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Speaker 1: talking about the book Tried and True, but just throughout

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Speaker 1: this entire process, my friend, is that you've got to

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Speaker 1: become wise and aware there is an enemy who is

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Speaker 1: after your marriage, especially if you have a Christian marriage.

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Speaker 1: Why because we represent the image of God in the world.

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Speaker 1: We just do. I believe everybody is invited to that,

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Speaker 1: right because God has placed his image, his imprint on

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Speaker 1: every single person, whether you're a Christian or not. But

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Speaker 1: a Christian marriage represents Jesus's love for his church. This

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Speaker 1: is what the Bible teaches. Marriage is more than just

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Speaker 1: you and your best friend getting along and saving money

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Speaker 1: by living together like it is so much more than that.

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Speaker 1: Marriage is God's way of saying, this is how I

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Speaker 1: love I love people who are unworthy. I love people

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Speaker 1: who are unlovable. I love people who get on my nerves.

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Speaker 1: I love people who have nothing to give to me.

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Speaker 1: And this is why we have to be so careful

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Speaker 1: about allowing culture to speak into our marriages. We say

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Speaker 1: things like, well, he needs to bring this to the table,

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Speaker 1: or she needs to bring that to the table. And listen,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying go and marry somebody who just has

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Speaker 1: nothing to offer you, somebody who's just going to jack

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Speaker 1: up your life. That's not what I'm saying. But the

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Speaker 1: scale that we use it cannot be the scales that

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Speaker 1: the world uses. Because your spouse might bring something to

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Speaker 1: the table that you discount, but that's what you actually

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Speaker 1: need because you're out here listening to what the world

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Speaker 1: is telling you matters. Somebody can have a six for

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Speaker 1: your bank account and an empty soul, So yeah, they're

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Speaker 1: bringing something to the table, but you're gonna die at

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Speaker 1: that table. So you need to be careful about the

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Speaker 1: scales that you use. You need to be careful about

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Speaker 1: discounting what your spouse actually brings and listen, friend, a

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Speaker 1: lot of the things that annoy us and irritate us

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Speaker 1: about our spouses are the very things that God uses

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Speaker 1: to grow us up. I am a living witness, trust me.

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Speaker 1: It's how He matures us. He uses trials, he uses setbacks,

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Speaker 1: he uses obstacles to refine us, to grow us, to

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Speaker 1: mature us, to make us stronger. And that's why when

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Speaker 1: you run from your problems, and when you say things

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Speaker 1: like well, God wants me to be happy. Where where

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Speaker 1: do you see that in the scriptures? Now, that does

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Speaker 1: not mean that God doesn't want you to be happy.

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Speaker 1: I don't think God wants you to be miserable like

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Speaker 1: that doesn't bring him glory. But your happiness is not

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Speaker 1: his primary concern. Your holiness is. And by holiness I

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Speaker 1: don't mean perfection, I mean becoming like him. The word

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Speaker 1: says be holy, for I am holy. How does he

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Speaker 1: make you holy? He sends some trials your way so

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Speaker 1: that you can grow up, so that you can stop

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Speaker 1: thinking that life is all about you and your happiness

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Speaker 1: and your pleasure and your comfort. And when you find

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Speaker 1: understand that, you start looking at your marriage problems differently,

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Speaker 1: you start looking at your spouse differently. You start to realize, Wow, God,

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Speaker 1: you place this person in my life for my good,

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Speaker 1: even if everything they're doing. Isn't good? Now, please hear me.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like I don't even need to keep

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Speaker 1: saying this, but I do believe sometimes people take your

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Speaker 1: words out of context, and so I am not advocating

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Speaker 1: for you to stay in an abusive, dysfunctional, dangerous marriage. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying if your husband is beating you up,

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Speaker 1: God is sending no, no, no, That's not what I'm saying. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's use some wisdom here. What I'm saying is that

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Speaker 1: a lot of these stressors, a lot of these problems

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Speaker 1: that we face in our marriage, we have got to

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Speaker 1: start reframing them and start looking at how these trials

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Speaker 1: are working together for my good. That's what the Word

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Speaker 1: says Romans eight twenty eight. He says, all things will

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Speaker 1: work together for the good of those who love me.

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Speaker 1: This is God talking who loved me and who are

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Speaker 1: called a coort to My purposes. So if you love

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Speaker 1: God and you love him by showing him through obedience,

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Speaker 1: that's what the Word says. Right, the people who love

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Speaker 1: me obey my commands. If you love God and you

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Speaker 1: are called according to his purpose, then your trials are

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Speaker 1: working for you. They're your little employees, So stop being

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Speaker 1: afraid of them, stop trying to fire them. They're working

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Speaker 1: for your good. And what this means for you today

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Speaker 1: is that you can approach your marriage today from a

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Speaker 1: different lens. I don't know what you're going through today, friend,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not minimizing your pain. If you know anything

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Speaker 1: about my story, you know that I've dealt with a

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Speaker 1: lot of pain in my marriage. That's why I show

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Speaker 1: up like this on this podcast. I'm telling you what

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Speaker 1: I know, So I'm not sure what you're going through.

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Speaker 1: But what I do know is that God is able

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Speaker 1: to turn your situation around. But first he wants to

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Speaker 1: turn your eyes to him. See a lot of us

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Speaker 1: pray things like God, would you fix this? Would you

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Speaker 1: change this? And God's like, how about I change you?

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Speaker 1: How about I I've turned your eyes toward me. How

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Speaker 1: about I become to you everything that you think you

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Speaker 1: need in your spouse. In all the ways that they're

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Speaker 1: letting you down, in all the ways that they're disappointing you,

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Speaker 1: maybe that's because that's not their job, responsibility, or description.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that's mine. And maybe I actually am allowing these

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Speaker 1: things to happen so that you can finally turn your

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Speaker 1: eyes toward me. So that's it. That's what I came

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Speaker 1: here to tell you today. Friend, your spiritual connection is

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Speaker 1: more important than any relationship that you will ever have.

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Speaker 1: Your relationship with God is more important than any human

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Speaker 1: relationship that you'll ever have. And until you get that

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Speaker 1: one right, all of these are going to be fractured.

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Speaker 1: It's good news because you can fix your relationship with

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Speaker 1: God and you don't have to do much. All you

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Speaker 1: have to do is turn your eyes toward him and say, God,

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Speaker 1: I surrender, teach me how to love you, and He'll

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Speaker 1: do it and your life will never be the same.

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Speaker 1: And so I would love to help you on your

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Speaker 1: spiritual journey. You can always reach out to me on

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Speaker 1: my website at Danashay dot com. In the meantime, make

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Speaker 1: sure that you get my newest book, Tried and True.

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Speaker 1: I am literally walking you through chapter by chapter of

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Speaker 1: these twelve imperfect biblical couples who were facing some of

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Speaker 1: the same stuff that you're going through right now, and

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Speaker 1: how they were able to transform their lives as they

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Speaker 1: kept their eyes on Christ. So thanks so much for listening.

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Speaker 1: I hope you have an incredible day. I'll see you

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Speaker 1: on the next episode. You can find the book at

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Speaker 1: tridentruemarriagebook dot com. Take care