1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,680 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 2: Welcome to I Wish You Could Hear This, where we 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 2: explore great stories and simple, proven steps to help you 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 2: thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,920 Speaker 3: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 3: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 3: biblical truth, and now you can hear them too. 8 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 4: I'm Shanti Feldhan and. 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,120 Speaker 3: I'm Jeff Feldhon. 10 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 2: The relationship that a daughter has with her dad is 11 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,959 Speaker 2: one of the most important relationships she will ever have. 12 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,120 Speaker 2: Many fathers fall in love with their little girls and 13 00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:47,919 Speaker 2: then may be unsure about how to connect deeply with 14 00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 2: their daughters as they mature and their lives become more complex. 15 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:55,480 Speaker 2: With Father's Day just around the corner, we wanted to 16 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,960 Speaker 2: step in and encourage those dads. Doctor Michelle Watson Canfi 17 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:05,120 Speaker 2: has decades of experience in coaching fathers and counseling young women. 18 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:09,119 Speaker 2: She is here to help dads close the communication gap 19 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 2: with their daughters on today's episode of I Wish You 20 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:13,319 Speaker 2: Could Hear This. 21 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 3: Michelle, welcome and thank you for joining us on the podcast. 22 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: Oh it's a joy to be with both of you. 23 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,880 Speaker 1: I just I champion both of you. 24 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,880 Speaker 5: I celebrate the work that God's called you to do, 25 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:27,960 Speaker 5: and it's a joy to be here. 26 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 3: Ah, you're so sweet. Well, Michelle, let me share with 27 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,800 Speaker 3: our listeners a little bit about you. 28 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 2: So. 29 00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 3: Michelle's a national speaker and authors and she's been a 30 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 3: licensed professional counselor for thirty years and is the founder 31 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,960 Speaker 3: of the Abba Project, which is a nine month group 32 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,320 Speaker 3: forum for dads whose daughters are in their teens and twenties. 33 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,400 Speaker 3: She writes guest articles regularly for journals and magazines, as 34 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,480 Speaker 3: well as her own bi monthly Dad Daughter Friday blog, 35 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 3: and she's been interviewed on numerous radio and television programs. 36 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 3: She's written two best selling books, too, Dad, Here's what 37 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,000 Speaker 3: I Really Need from You, a guide for connecting with 38 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 3: your Daughter's Heart, followed by her most recent field guide 39 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:17,639 Speaker 3: for a men for men called Let's Talk Conversation Starters 40 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:22,040 Speaker 3: for Dads and Daughters. She also hosts the award winning 41 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,840 Speaker 3: The Dad Whisperer podcast and co chairs the Father Daughter 42 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 3: Initiative at Fathers dot Com with her husband, doctor Ken Canfield. Well, Okay, 43 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 3: that's a pretty full plate. 44 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 4: Wow. 45 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 2: We were talking earlier about how full your plate is. 46 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 4: Michelle. 47 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 2: I will also tell all my listeners that Michelle is 48 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 2: the real deal in terms of someone who cares about 49 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,640 Speaker 2: people and who is a caring friend. 50 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,520 Speaker 4: And you know the story that I have to tell now, Michelle. 51 00:02:58,919 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 2: Right. So here we are, Jeff and I are running 52 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 2: around like crazy people. Fifteen years ago. 53 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,880 Speaker 4: I don't know when this was. This could have easily 54 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,399 Speaker 4: been twenty years ago. 55 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:10,840 Speaker 3: I don't know. 56 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 2: But we're speaking at acc or maybe I was speaking. 57 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 2: I can't remember if you were there or not. And 58 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,079 Speaker 2: I am just I don't even have a minute to think. 59 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,840 Speaker 2: And this woman comes up to me who I've met 60 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:28,280 Speaker 2: a couple of times before, who's another author, another you know, 61 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,079 Speaker 2: person on the radio. She has a radio program, and 62 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,920 Speaker 2: she says, you know, you look like you need a 63 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 2: diet coke. I'm gonna I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. I'm 64 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,760 Speaker 2: gonna you look like you need a drink. I'm gonna 65 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,600 Speaker 2: go get you. What do you what do you want? 66 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,800 Speaker 2: And I'm like, Michelle, you don't need to go get 67 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 2: me a drink. And this woman goes, no, no, no, 68 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 2: I am going to get you a drink because you 69 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 2: look like you need a drink. And I'm like, well, 70 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 2: not that kind of drink, but yes, a diet coke 71 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 2: would be great if you're serious. 72 00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:00,400 Speaker 1: So up you. 73 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,600 Speaker 2: And of course this is at AACC, which is the 74 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 2: American Association Christian councilor's the lines. The reason I hadn't 75 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 2: had anything to eat or drink is that the lines are. 76 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 4: Like fifty people long. 77 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,880 Speaker 2: So she stands in a fifty person line for like 78 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,400 Speaker 2: half an hour to get me a diet coke. 79 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 4: And I'm like, I. 80 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:24,279 Speaker 2: Will love this woman until the day I die. 81 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,160 Speaker 1: That's awesome. 82 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 6: Wow. 83 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,360 Speaker 2: So and so ever since then, it's like, Okay, you're 84 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 2: my bestie, like your program, absolutely, like what can I 85 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,440 Speaker 2: do to help you? Absolutely, we have to actually get 86 00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 2: into the topic, but I wanted everybody to know you 87 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,680 Speaker 2: got you and Ken obviously. 88 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 4: You're the real deal. 89 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 2: Okay, so starting point, let's dive into the topic. As 90 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,559 Speaker 2: you know, many people will be listening to this after 91 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,919 Speaker 2: Father's Day, but many people are going to be listening 92 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,799 Speaker 2: to this right before Father's Day, and so just talk 93 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 2: us through, like how did you get into writing the 94 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,880 Speaker 2: books and creating the ministries and everything specifically for dads, 95 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:12,919 Speaker 2: Like how did. 96 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 4: That start with? 97 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,960 Speaker 3: Because because I'd love no no, I definitely want to 98 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,320 Speaker 3: hear that. But prior to all of this, and during 99 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,480 Speaker 3: all of this, you've been the professional counselor therapist along 100 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,000 Speaker 3: the way, So you were already in that kind of 101 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 3: field working when you started all of these things. So 102 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 3: I'd love you to, you know, fill that all in. 103 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:37,480 Speaker 4: Yeah. 104 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,719 Speaker 5: In fact, I'm glad you said that, Jeff, because the call, 105 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:43,440 Speaker 5: if you will, or this assignment from God came out 106 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,040 Speaker 5: of that. 107 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:45,640 Speaker 1: That very thing you just mentioned. 108 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,800 Speaker 5: The history of my professional work and my personal work. So, 109 00:05:48,839 --> 00:05:51,520 Speaker 5: I'm the oldest daughter of four girls, no boys, and 110 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,919 Speaker 5: I'm family, no brothers, and so grew up you know, 111 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,000 Speaker 5: my dad a lot of estrogen in the house, and 112 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 5: I was a pastor's daughter for a lot of years 113 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,400 Speaker 5: a couple decades, and went to Bible College and born 114 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 5: out of that, you know, into my thirties, I did 115 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 5: youth ministry and music ministry and that's been my heart 116 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:14,720 Speaker 5: right and born out of that work mentoring girls, discipling girls, 117 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,760 Speaker 5: A lot of my own woundedness began to surface in 118 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 5: my thirties, and so I started into counseling. And I 119 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:25,760 Speaker 5: have a pretty intense trauma history myself, sexual abuse with 120 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:26,560 Speaker 5: my grandfather. 121 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: And I'm telling you that here at the start to say, at. 122 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:33,599 Speaker 5: The time, I honestly had no idea that any of 123 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 5: that was even affecting or blocking my relationship. 124 00:06:36,839 --> 00:06:37,679 Speaker 1: With God as a father. 125 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 5: And yet it all goes together and the Father of lies. 126 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,520 Speaker 5: I mean, it's not coincidence that in John forty four 127 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 5: Jesus called Satan the father of lies, not the Ceo 128 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:53,360 Speaker 5: of lies, the grand Poobah of lies, the father because 129 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 5: he's a counterfeit father who has an agenda, I believe, 130 00:06:57,440 --> 00:07:00,240 Speaker 5: to destroy father relationships with their daughters and sons. And 131 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:04,360 Speaker 5: so born out of again my own healing journey and 132 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 5: mentoring and discipling women and teens, I said, I got 133 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 5: to go to school, I got to change my profession, 134 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 5: so I got my masters in counseling, and you know, 135 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 5: begin to move into a more professional field. Which it's 136 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,440 Speaker 5: crazy to think that that's been thirty years ago that 137 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 5: I started this, which. 138 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: Simply means I'm old. 139 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:25,120 Speaker 5: Right, let's call it season though, right, Johnty, and you 140 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 5: are a. 141 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 3: Gifted youth and you started these things there you go absolutely. 142 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:34,680 Speaker 5: Right, so saying I kind of have a finger on 143 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 5: the pulse of women and girls is probably an understatement. 144 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: Now that I'm sixty six, I've been. 145 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,920 Speaker 5: Doing this for a long time, and I really have 146 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,000 Speaker 5: come to a belief that we will have a healthier 147 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,520 Speaker 5: country from the ground up with healthier women. And so 148 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 5: often you can trace our poor decisions as women to 149 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 5: father wounds or father voids. And so going back to 150 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 5: your question, Jeff, about where did this kind of professional 151 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,640 Speaker 5: and then your question, Shanty heart kind of connection about 152 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,880 Speaker 5: this work with Dad's was not anything I assigned myself. 153 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,760 Speaker 5: But going back to my professional work and mentoring and 154 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 5: discipling women, I'm like, so often I was hearing about 155 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:19,200 Speaker 5: those father voids or father wounds. Yeah, And one random 156 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,200 Speaker 5: day in December of two thousand and nine, I'm reading 157 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 5: in Luke one about how God told Zechariah that his 158 00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,680 Speaker 5: son John was going to help turn the hearts, not. 159 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: The heads, of fathers to their children. 160 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 5: Random day, I literally heard God whisper to my spirit, Michelle, 161 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 5: that's what I want you to do. I'm forty nine 162 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,120 Speaker 5: at the time, never been married, like fathering and men, 163 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,200 Speaker 5: clearly I don't have a gift there, and so I'm like, 164 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 5: this was the most crazy thing I could have ever 165 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 5: heard from God. And two days later I was blow 166 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,040 Speaker 5: drying my hair and I just heard the name the 167 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:56,679 Speaker 5: Abba Project, Abba meaning daddy and. 168 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 1: Aramic and men love a project. 169 00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,320 Speaker 5: And the next month, January of twenty ten, I email 170 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 5: the eleven dads whose daughters were my counseling clients at 171 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 5: the time, in their teens and their twenties. Like you 172 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,640 Speaker 5: said at the beginning, shanty, when things get a bit 173 00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,680 Speaker 5: more complex and dad can't just kiss the booboo and 174 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,040 Speaker 5: have it get all better. 175 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: In a moment. It's way more messy and complex. 176 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 5: And so you guys, ten of the eleven dads said, yeah, 177 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,600 Speaker 5: we're in Wow. And I've had people say men don't 178 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,480 Speaker 5: add more to an already full plate unless there's crisis 179 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:29,680 Speaker 5: or a need. 180 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 1: Right, So here I. 181 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 5: Am with an assignment from God, have got a name, 182 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 5: and I have no curriculum none. 183 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,240 Speaker 4: You're like, what do I do? 184 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 5: And every month we ended up actually instead of going 185 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 5: six months once a month, we went a year and 186 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 5: every month God would download the next topic and I 187 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,880 Speaker 5: would either write it or collect it, and born out 188 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,880 Speaker 5: of that work that in ten years in a row. 189 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 5: I did that in Portland and then COVID hit and 190 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,840 Speaker 5: got married at sixty for the first time in twenty 191 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 5: twenty to a man who actually wrote the forward to 192 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,640 Speaker 5: my first book in fourteen and I knew his wife 193 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,760 Speaker 5: before she went to heaven. And so all that to say, 194 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,240 Speaker 5: I'm just as passionate, if not more, even now, sixteen 195 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 5: years into fathering work and then thirty years professionally with women, 196 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 5: to say, come on, men, now is the time your 197 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,680 Speaker 5: daughter needs you. And you may have been given a 198 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:24,960 Speaker 5: message that you don't matter or you're inconsequential, and the 199 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,079 Speaker 5: three of us are here today to say you matter. 200 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,320 Speaker 5: God says you matter, and it's time to step up 201 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:34,320 Speaker 5: and step into your daughter's life in proactive ways so 202 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,079 Speaker 5: that she can be all of who God wants. 203 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: Her to be. 204 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 2: So dads know, like every dad knows that he's important 205 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,520 Speaker 2: in his children's life. Yeah right, Like this is not 206 00:10:44,559 --> 00:10:52,800 Speaker 2: a surprise to any dad, but as what is help 207 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:58,760 Speaker 2: a dad understand why we're focusing so much today, specifically 208 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 2: on the father daughter relationship. Now, I have seen some 209 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 2: things in our data, and I can bring that up 210 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:10,600 Speaker 2: if you want, but I'm curious what are the things 211 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,760 Speaker 2: that make you know, Like if you're going to tell 212 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,760 Speaker 2: a dad, okay, really for a little bit focus on 213 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,520 Speaker 2: that father daughter relationship. What are those reasons? 214 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 5: So, first of all, I would like to talk about identity. 215 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:34,280 Speaker 5: So every woman looks in the mirror of her dad's 216 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 5: face to get a reflection back of who she is, 217 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 5: and we talk about research. There's a social psychologist, Eric 218 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 5: Erickson that says that there's all these developmental stages in 219 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:50,720 Speaker 5: between twelve to eighteen is identity versus role. Confusion means 220 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,920 Speaker 5: who I am, where do I fit? And there's this 221 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 5: really significant developmental stage where a lot of dads say, 222 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,760 Speaker 5: I'm going to back up. I'm going to let mom 223 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 5: go in here. You're a woman, you'll understand her better. 224 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,560 Speaker 5: But dad, like Shanty said, at the beginning, it was 225 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 5: easier when she was younger. As she gets older, she 226 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,280 Speaker 5: needs you more to know who she is and where 227 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 5: she fits. And oftentimes she bears your last name more 228 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,959 Speaker 5: times than not. That's what we see again, identity, name, 229 00:12:20,559 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 5: who she is. I think it's also very significant that 230 00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:28,840 Speaker 5: a dad is called a father. God himself calls himself 231 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,920 Speaker 5: a father, even though we know all gender is in 232 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 5: the trinity right, male and femaleness. But this bridge that 233 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 5: a father on earth builds to a heavenly father is 234 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 5: so significant. 235 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:41,720 Speaker 1: So, Dad, whether or not. 236 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,000 Speaker 5: You feel qualified or up for it, you are building 237 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,520 Speaker 5: a bridge to God as a father through your presence, 238 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 5: through your responses. And I think the third thing I 239 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 5: want to highlight is that the research confirms that every 240 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,120 Speaker 5: area of a child's life is strengthened by a feeling 241 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:02,160 Speaker 5: of connection to her Dad. What's interesting is, would you 242 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,560 Speaker 5: guys call that a headword or a heart word? 243 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,080 Speaker 1: Feel connected? That's a heart a heart word. 244 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 5: So it lines up with scripture where God is commanding 245 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:16,240 Speaker 5: Dad's last versu of the Old Testament for a heart 246 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 5: turn to happen. And so this lines up with biblical truth. 247 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 5: Men that the research then backs up scripture to say 248 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,839 Speaker 5: every area of your daughter, I'm going to specifically say, 249 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 5: daughter here, every air of your daughter's. 250 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,680 Speaker 1: Life will thrive with a feeling of connection to you. 251 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 5: Better grades in school, more likely to finish high school 252 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 5: and attend college, less body dissatisfaction, healthier weight, more pro 253 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 5: social empathy, less likely by eighty percent to spend time 254 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:54,199 Speaker 5: in jail. So again, more academic success, better athletic performance, 255 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:58,080 Speaker 5: less likely to have an eating disorder. Men love this 256 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 5: one she'll delay her sexual debut, healthier relationships. 257 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 1: With men, on and on and on. 258 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 5: It goes because of a relationship with her father. We're 259 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:12,520 Speaker 5: not saying moms don't matter, but we're also the three 260 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 5: of us standing on research. 261 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:17,440 Speaker 1: That backs up what scripture says is that Dad, now 262 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:18,240 Speaker 1: is the time. 263 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,720 Speaker 5: For you to turn your heart to your daughter so 264 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,520 Speaker 5: that she can be all of who God calls her 265 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:22,720 Speaker 5: to be. 266 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:33,240 Speaker 3: Wow, so much there, I'd love to dive into if 267 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 3: we could. What you mentioned that the men perhaps don't 268 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 3: feel qualified, And there is this part inside of each 269 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 3: of us guys, a lot of us guys, that we 270 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 3: don't want to make We don't want to fail, we 271 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,480 Speaker 3: don't want to make mistakes, so we sometimes hold ourselves 272 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,040 Speaker 3: back and let me if I can, can I before 273 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 3: we unpack that, or I'll let you unpack that if 274 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 3: I could just tell a couple of quick little stories 275 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 3: about our own daughter. So when our daughter was a 276 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 3: little bitty, she was my little buddy. I mean, we 277 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:14,480 Speaker 3: were inseparable, and she referred to herself as little buddy. 278 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 3: Kind of a throwback to Gilligan's Island for those of 279 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:23,280 Speaker 3: us of a certain vintage. But anyways, I can still 280 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 3: remember one day we were driving, the four of us. 281 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,280 Speaker 3: We had a son at that time who was eighteen 282 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:32,480 Speaker 3: months old, our daughter was maybe four at the most, 283 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,760 Speaker 3: and we were all driving in the van and our 284 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 3: son was kind of crying or something, and Shaunty said 285 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:44,320 Speaker 3: something and he just lit up. And Morgan, our daughter, 286 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 3: who four at the time, said, I see, Lukey loves 287 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,160 Speaker 3: Mommy most likes Mommy Mostluke. 288 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 4: Luke likes Luke loves Mommy more more. 289 00:15:58,080 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 3: But that's okay because I like both of you. She 290 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:09,000 Speaker 3: had that moment of self awareness and self editing to say, 291 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,200 Speaker 3: but she. 292 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 2: Was about to say, that's okay because I love anymore, 293 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:15,600 Speaker 2: and then she stopped herselfing. 294 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,360 Speaker 3: And so that was the course of our early years. 295 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 3: When she was about and we were just like we'd 296 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 3: sit on the couch together. I'd have my arm around 297 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,800 Speaker 3: her just you know, all of that sort of stuff. 298 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,840 Speaker 3: And when she hit about twelve years old, when I 299 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,920 Speaker 3: put my arm around her, she kind of flipped her 300 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 3: shoulder and you know, kind of moved it off. And 301 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 3: I remember going to Shanty, is this the way it's 302 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 3: going to be? And Shanty said, look, I've talked to enough, 303 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 3: you know, folks like Michelle that this is all part 304 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 3: of it. Just give her time. And it was really 305 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,400 Speaker 3: confusing to me because here was my little buddy and 306 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,840 Speaker 3: she was kind of herself putting up a little bit 307 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:05,600 Speaker 3: of distance between us. And then about Chanta said she'll 308 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,280 Speaker 3: be okay. About a year and a half later, we 309 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,159 Speaker 3: were walking through a parking lot, all of us, and 310 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:16,320 Speaker 3: I felt this thirteen year old's hand slip into mine. 311 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:20,040 Speaker 3: Oh And from that moment on, I knew she was back, 312 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:23,200 Speaker 3: and she's been back, and all I've had to do 313 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:27,000 Speaker 3: is just kind of be there for her. I didn't 314 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,720 Speaker 3: feel qualified to always have the right answer for her, 315 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 3: but I was there when she came home from school, 316 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 3: if I was working in my home office, and we'd 317 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:42,879 Speaker 3: talk and it was just accessible things that any guy 318 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,920 Speaker 3: can do if you make the time. 319 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:51,040 Speaker 5: And let's even highlight that that little girl's hand is 320 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,680 Speaker 5: the one you walk down the aisle, not long ago, not. 321 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,480 Speaker 3: That long ago, a glorious day. 322 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, Okay, don't make him cry. 323 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,920 Speaker 1: I know I'm tearing enough. 324 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 2: But the thing that I so want to encourage, and 325 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,400 Speaker 2: the reason we wanted to do this podcast before Father's 326 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:17,480 Speaker 2: Day is to help and equip the dads who have that, 327 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,120 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I don't know what to do thing right, 328 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,960 Speaker 2: because we know all of our research for guys, it's 329 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 2: all about what I do now. Not every guy, right, 330 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 2: but you know, statistically most men. 331 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,200 Speaker 4: They're one doubt. Yeah, they have a lot of self doubt. 332 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,199 Speaker 2: They wanted to be good at what they're doing, and 333 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 2: it's like, I don't know if I'm going to be 334 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:37,959 Speaker 2: good at it. 335 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,240 Speaker 4: So okay, this is when the mom steps in. 336 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:44,160 Speaker 3: Well, and also with a lot of things, perhaps career, 337 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,879 Speaker 3: there's various immediate feedback that you get whether you're being 338 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,840 Speaker 3: successful in your job. You look at a balance sheet, 339 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:57,879 Speaker 3: you look at whatever. With our girls, I may not 340 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,120 Speaker 3: know it's certainly not short term how successful what I'm 341 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,240 Speaker 3: trying is. 342 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. Well, you know what I'm gonna jump 343 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: in here. 344 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 5: First of all, just to affirm the fact that you, Jeff, 345 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:17,159 Speaker 5: listened to your wife. So men, you may feel attacked 346 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,280 Speaker 5: if your wife gives you an idea or hey, i'd 347 00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 5: back off right now, or hey this is just her 348 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 5: time of the month. Listen to the women around you. Men, 349 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,320 Speaker 5: right there, I want to highlight, Jeff, the humility that 350 00:19:30,359 --> 00:19:34,680 Speaker 5: you had because you're telling the story really organically, and 351 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,439 Speaker 5: that is huge and worthy of noting is that you 352 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,840 Speaker 5: listen to your wife. So there's a really significant, i 353 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 5: would say, practical action step that men may be able 354 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 5: to even take from this conversation. 355 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 4: Well, because you might have pulled yourself back. If you hadn't. 356 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:55,159 Speaker 3: Right in that thought, I might have been frustrated. I 357 00:19:55,280 --> 00:20:00,320 Speaker 3: might have felt, you know, you know, set aside in 358 00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 3: a way that would have Well, if you're gonna set 359 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:08,360 Speaker 3: me aside, I'm going to set you aside whatever absolutely 360 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,000 Speaker 3: resentful feelings that are at the door. 361 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,040 Speaker 4: For all of us because of the Father of lives. 362 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,280 Speaker 5: Because of there, you go that you don't matter. And 363 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 5: the thing to remember, men, is that what's happening hormonally 364 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 5: in your daughter. She doesn't have a playbook for this either. 365 00:20:24,359 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: She doesn't know what's going on. 366 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:28,520 Speaker 5: So when she's pulling back, you may internalize that and 367 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 5: say it's something about you, it's actually not. She doesn't 368 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,520 Speaker 5: even know what's going on in herself, and so you 369 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,600 Speaker 5: don't want to take that personal. But just to build 370 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:39,840 Speaker 5: on what you both were saying, is that the observation 371 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,200 Speaker 5: one of them that I've made from sixteen years I say, 372 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:46,880 Speaker 5: from flying from my planet of Venus to Mars, I'm 373 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,320 Speaker 5: bilingual now I speak a bit of Martian as well 374 00:20:49,359 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 5: as my native tongue of Venusian. 375 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:51,679 Speaker 3: Is. 376 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 5: One of my observations is that men would often rather 377 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:59,160 Speaker 5: do nothing than do it wrong. And I say, well done, 378 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 5: men like you're smart enough to go. I don't want 379 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,400 Speaker 5: to make it worse. I'm going to back off, But Dad, 380 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 5: I want you to hear me. Doing nothing is doing 381 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,640 Speaker 5: it wrong, and I know you want to do it right. 382 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,640 Speaker 5: And that's where the three of us are coming alongside 383 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,080 Speaker 5: you to say we want to equip you, champion, you 384 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 5: celebrate and speak life into you that you don't want 385 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,359 Speaker 5: to believe the father of lies that would lie to 386 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 5: you and say you don't matter, or your daughter doesn't 387 00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 5: even need you right now. And so remember that we 388 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,119 Speaker 5: as girls, we figure things out by talking. And so 389 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:38,000 Speaker 5: if you can engage your daughter in conversations where you 390 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,240 Speaker 5: ask more questions and then listen more, then give lectures, 391 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 5: you will watch what happens is your daughter opens up 392 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,439 Speaker 5: more to you, because she won't feel like she'll just 393 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,840 Speaker 5: get a lecture, but that she'll get listened to. You 394 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:54,400 Speaker 5: want to kind of change the l's out exchange lecturing 395 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 5: for listening cannot take for correcting, and not that you 396 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 5: don't do some of that, but you kind of want 397 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,320 Speaker 5: to really look at like what the love bank. We 398 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,399 Speaker 5: know that model five to one five deposits into the 399 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 5: relationship bucket before you correct, before you speak, a lecturing 400 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,440 Speaker 5: you know, message into her life and watch what happens. 401 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:16,920 Speaker 4: So I okay. 402 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:18,800 Speaker 2: One of the things that I wanted to do in 403 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 2: my notes for this podcast, I wanted to talk about 404 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:27,639 Speaker 2: listening good because in our research, one of the things 405 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:31,960 Speaker 2: that is extremely common is for both a mom and 406 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,040 Speaker 2: a dad to some degree, but especially a dad, when 407 00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 2: faced with all the emotional, you know, bigness that comes 408 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,920 Speaker 2: as a girl gets a little bit older, that there 409 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,440 Speaker 2: is a sense of, you know, like throwing up the hands. 410 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,680 Speaker 2: She's just a drama queen. I'm gonna let you like, hey, 411 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,480 Speaker 2: little girl, I'm you need to calm down. I'm gonna 412 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 2: go over here. Let's talk later. 413 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. 414 00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 4: And one of. 415 00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 2: The things that I've seen both in our own life 416 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:05,640 Speaker 2: and in our research is that if a dad can 417 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:11,240 Speaker 2: actually understand what listening means and what it looks like 418 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,160 Speaker 2: to his daughter and by the way his wife statistically. 419 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,440 Speaker 4: Who's a daughter who's yeah, exactly. 420 00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:22,280 Speaker 2: It makes such a difference. And so I just want 421 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 2: to share, if you don't mind, I just want to 422 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,320 Speaker 2: share what we found, and then I'd be very curious. 423 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 2: I love it how this sort of interfaces with some 424 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,880 Speaker 2: of what you've seen as a counselor as well, because 425 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 2: one of the things that listening means, and that men 426 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:38,240 Speaker 2: tend to find. 427 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 4: A bit perplexing or daunting or daunting. 428 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,840 Speaker 2: Is that when your wife or your daughter says, I 429 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 2: don't want you to fix it, I just want you 430 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:53,920 Speaker 2: to listen, it doesn't mean what most men think it does, 431 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 2: because most men thinks I will let her talk until 432 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,239 Speaker 2: the words all run out and then I'll fix it, 433 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,919 Speaker 2: right like I'll just I'll just let her get it 434 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:06,480 Speaker 2: all out. And instead, what we've found statistically is it 435 00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:10,480 Speaker 2: usually means I want you to listen to my feelings. 436 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 2: And most men this is into the neuroscience, but most 437 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 2: men their whole lives have trained themselves that when someone 438 00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:24,840 Speaker 2: comes to them with a bunch of like jangling, tense, 439 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 2: heightened emotions, they've trained themselves to kind of filter out 440 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,720 Speaker 2: all the emotions so that they can focus on the 441 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,320 Speaker 2: problem so they can think clearly, so they can help, 442 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,439 Speaker 2: so they can offer a solution. What we found is 443 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 2: that actually, as step number one, what you are filtering 444 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 2: out all those jangling feelings, that's what she most wants 445 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,120 Speaker 2: you to listen to, and that if you will, instead 446 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,640 Speaker 2: of trying to avoid that because it's hard and it's 447 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 2: uncomfortable and it feels weird, if you will instead pull 448 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:05,639 Speaker 2: that out more, tell me more about that. Oh my gosh, 449 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,920 Speaker 2: when Jessica said that, were you embarrassed in front of 450 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:08,400 Speaker 2: the whole. 451 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,720 Speaker 4: Class, Like all pulling out how she's feeling. 452 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 2: One of the things that in most cases you start 453 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:19,040 Speaker 2: to see all that heightened emotion starts to calm down 454 00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:26,360 Speaker 2: a bit because she's feeling heard, and so the instinctive 455 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,119 Speaker 2: response that so many men have of I need to 456 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,800 Speaker 2: push aside that stuff. If you can, as step one 457 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,399 Speaker 2: say no, let me focus in on that stuff and 458 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 2: even pull it out more, you'll actually realize she's not 459 00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,199 Speaker 2: being a drama queen. She's truly just trying to have 460 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,680 Speaker 2: her feelings hurt. Anyway, I'm curious what you think as 461 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,040 Speaker 2: you hear that. I know we've talked about this before. 462 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,160 Speaker 2: I know you talked about this in your books. You've 463 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,720 Speaker 2: counseled a lot of people. I'm curious what you also 464 00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,080 Speaker 2: would advise dads along those lines. 465 00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:00,800 Speaker 1: I love it so dad. 466 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,280 Speaker 5: Here's the key, as Shanty was just talking about, is 467 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,240 Speaker 5: how do you keep yourself grounded and regulated so you 468 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 5: don't react to her reaction Because going back to this 469 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:12,679 Speaker 5: thing about men would rather do nothing than do it wrong, 470 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 5: I want you to hear that doing nothing is doing 471 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 5: it wrong, and I know you want to. 472 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,639 Speaker 1: Do it right. So that's where the three of us. 473 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:25,720 Speaker 5: Are coming alongside you to equip you to dial into 474 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,400 Speaker 5: your daughter's heart with more intention and consistency. Those are 475 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,919 Speaker 5: two key things to remember that your daughter, when she 476 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:38,479 Speaker 5: hits these adolescent ages, hormonal changes are happening that affect 477 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:43,200 Speaker 5: her body, her moods, and her behavior, and much of it, 478 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,280 Speaker 5: believe it or not, is not her fault. 479 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 1: It's outside of her control. 480 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 5: This is things that are happening inside of her brain, 481 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 5: her body, her emotions, and you want to be able to. 482 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,240 Speaker 1: Ride the wave if you will. As Jeff was just. 483 00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:00,240 Speaker 5: Saying, listening to Shanty saying, Honey, this is something going 484 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,520 Speaker 5: on in our daughter. 485 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 1: It's not about you. It's not something you've done wrong. 486 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,240 Speaker 5: But what I've discovered is that men offered are more 487 00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:11,479 Speaker 5: sensitive on the underbelly then you would maybe admit or 488 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,480 Speaker 5: want to admit. And so we're standing here to say, Dad, 489 00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:19,040 Speaker 5: you're wired in the image of God as an emotional creature, 490 00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:23,000 Speaker 5: as an emotional man. This is in a way key 491 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,600 Speaker 5: to know that your daughter will help open a portal 492 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 5: not only to your emotional heart, but to your own emotions. 493 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,920 Speaker 5: And so if you only react to her reaction, you're 494 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 5: gonna bonk heads. 495 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,720 Speaker 1: So I have a couple practical action steps, would you guys? 496 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 3: Hey, yeah, I share those things for all the guys 497 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,399 Speaker 3: out there and me, I really want to hear this. 498 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,040 Speaker 2: Because this our daughter is now in our mid twenties, 499 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,440 Speaker 2: and it's the same thing though, like we we all 500 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:52,840 Speaker 2: need these at every stage. 501 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:57,280 Speaker 3: Well, in all of my self, doubt didn't evaporate at 502 00:27:57,280 --> 00:28:00,880 Speaker 3: that moment that she slipped her hand in mine when 503 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 3: we were walking across a parking. 504 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,919 Speaker 5: Lot, right right, So, Dad, A practical action step that 505 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,959 Speaker 5: I learned from a dad in the Abba Project is 506 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,640 Speaker 5: to ask your daughter is this a fix it session 507 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 5: or a listening session? Just ask her straight up that question. 508 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,400 Speaker 5: Here's another tool for your fathering toolbox is two words. 509 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,240 Speaker 5: I've had men say that's my favorite tool because it's 510 00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,479 Speaker 5: two words I can remember. 511 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:26,840 Speaker 1: It is to put the two words. 512 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:30,160 Speaker 5: I'm wondering in front of the question you ask her, 513 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,640 Speaker 5: because most of the time you'll be going, I don't 514 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,800 Speaker 5: get this. I have no idea why she's making a 515 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,880 Speaker 5: mountain out of a wall hill. I don't even know 516 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,000 Speaker 5: what's going on, and I just want to calm her 517 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,920 Speaker 5: and quiet her and get her feet on the ground. 518 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,680 Speaker 1: But often if you come down heavy handed. 519 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 5: And you're dysregulated, and you're angry and you want her 520 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,440 Speaker 5: not to be angry and reactive, you can tell it's 521 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,960 Speaker 5: a train wreck. So, Dad, the two words are to 522 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 5: put I'm wondering. 523 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 1: Wow of the sentence. 524 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,440 Speaker 5: Let me tell your stity, yes, curiosity. Andy comes to 525 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:06,680 Speaker 5: the APPA project his seventeen year old daughter, Megan. Four 526 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,200 Speaker 5: boys than a daughter. He does not have a playbook 527 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 5: right for how to parent and father a daughter. So 528 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,080 Speaker 5: she was skipping school senior year of high school, and 529 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 5: he would he would say, why aren't you going to school? 530 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 5: He goes, either the wall would go up or the 531 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,480 Speaker 5: prickles would come out either way it was a bomb, 532 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 5: and so. 533 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:26,160 Speaker 1: He goes, sid, I don't know what to do. 534 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,320 Speaker 5: Help me, Doc, I go put the two words i'm 535 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:32,840 Speaker 5: wondering in front of the same question, and come back 536 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,720 Speaker 5: next month tell us how it goes. Literally, this is 537 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:39,120 Speaker 5: exact story. He comes back the next month, he goes, 538 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 5: I don't know what happened. 539 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:43,560 Speaker 1: He said. I asked her the question, I'm wondering, Magan, 540 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,000 Speaker 1: why didn't you go to school today? She goes, oh, 541 00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 1: I did go to school. We had an early release. 542 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,480 Speaker 1: So that's it. And he's like, your tone changed. 543 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 5: She heard that as a legitimate question, not an interrogation 544 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:58,080 Speaker 5: or an attack. 545 00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:01,880 Speaker 1: When you said I'm one like you said, Jeff, curiosity 546 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,160 Speaker 1: was there. So that's one practical tool. So Dad, say, 547 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,040 Speaker 1: is it a fixed it session or listening session? 548 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 5: Put the two words I'm wondering in front of what 549 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 5: you want to ask her. I'm wondering why you didn't 550 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:14,840 Speaker 5: clean your room when you said you would and we 551 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:18,360 Speaker 5: had a consequence. I'm wondering why did you feel the 552 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,440 Speaker 5: need to just jump in and attack your brother, because 553 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:24,600 Speaker 5: oftentimes another quote from a dad in the APA project said, 554 00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:29,880 Speaker 5: when I've learned to ask questions better. I've discovered that 555 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:34,880 Speaker 5: the question I was just going to answer wasn't actually 556 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:35,800 Speaker 5: the question. 557 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:36,400 Speaker 1: She was asking. 558 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:36,840 Speaker 4: Yep. 559 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:42,600 Speaker 5: So that pause point of I'm wondering, it's actually dad 560 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 5: going to get you out of your limics system, your 561 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 5: own emotional center back here to this pre funnel cortex 562 00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:51,040 Speaker 5: where you're thinking clearer and you're not offline, and you're like, 563 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,480 Speaker 5: I'm wondering. It's going to help you think about what's 564 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,400 Speaker 5: going on emotionally, and it's just super practical. 565 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:02,240 Speaker 2: Can I just encourage the dads who are listening to this, 566 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 2: the men who are listening to this, I hope men 567 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 2: can also see, oh wait, that might help me with 568 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:13,480 Speaker 2: my wife. That might help me at work, that might 569 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 2: help me be a better leader, that might help me 570 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:19,880 Speaker 2: be a better boss. Like that's an example of a 571 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:24,360 Speaker 2: listening skill that can apply in many different situations. 572 00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:27,480 Speaker 5: In fact, I just two weeks ago talked with a 573 00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 5: dad name Rick, and these men have given me permission 574 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,600 Speaker 5: to share their stories, and some of them are in 575 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,800 Speaker 5: my book. But literally Rick has been president of his company. 576 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,280 Speaker 5: He wasn't when he was in the AVA project, and 577 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:40,800 Speaker 5: he said, at the end of nine months, what I've 578 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:43,600 Speaker 5: learned here. I'm a better dad now to my sons, 579 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 5: I'm a better husband to my wife, and I'm a 580 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 5: better manager at work. So I highlight and stand with 581 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,560 Speaker 5: what you said, Chaunty. I've got one more really powerful tool. Okay, 582 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:56,560 Speaker 5: go for it for dads to put in their toolbox. 583 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,520 Speaker 5: And Jeff, you're kind of our token mail here to 584 00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 5: tell you what you think of this. But because men 585 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:05,760 Speaker 5: get flooded, we all do, which just again means we 586 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,560 Speaker 5: go offline and we're reacting instead of proacting, and it's 587 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,640 Speaker 5: hard to think of what to do next. Having some 588 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 5: of these in your toolbox, you can pull them out 589 00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:17,720 Speaker 5: and practice them when it's not at an eight, nine 590 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,320 Speaker 5: or ten on a zero to ten scale and watch 591 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:21,080 Speaker 5: what happens. 592 00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 1: So here's this tool. It's called questioning to learn. So 593 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 1: here's what you do. 594 00:32:27,880 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 5: Men is when you're listening to your daughter or anyone 595 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:33,520 Speaker 5: is Sometimes either you may. 596 00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 1: Have a real long talker where you're. 597 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 5: A couple exits back on the freeway going I don't 598 00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 5: even know where we're going, like, I don't you know, 599 00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,680 Speaker 5: kind of like our friend the our friends, the pharaohs. Right, 600 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:47,800 Speaker 5: they say, men are like waffles. Women are like spaghetti, 601 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 5: and men are like, what quadron are we in? Women 602 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,600 Speaker 5: are like I don't know and I'm just getting started, 603 00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:53,080 Speaker 5: and men. 604 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 4: Are lost, right exactly. 605 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 5: So here's a practical WAYMN that you can keep from 606 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:01,440 Speaker 5: zoning off where she's it's like you're not even listening. 607 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: And you're like, do you know how the hard I'm 608 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,000 Speaker 1: working right now to try to stay present? 609 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,840 Speaker 5: So, Dad, what you can do is take the keyword 610 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:13,000 Speaker 5: of what she just said, or if it's really long, 611 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,240 Speaker 5: the last word that she just said, and you go 612 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:21,720 Speaker 5: back to those elementary school lessons we learned about who, what, when, where, why? 613 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:22,040 Speaker 2: How? 614 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:22,800 Speaker 1: Remember that? 615 00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,560 Speaker 5: So you take the grid you already know, and you 616 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,960 Speaker 5: add the keyword or the last word of her sentence 617 00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:30,320 Speaker 5: to it. 618 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,160 Speaker 1: So let's put it into practice. 619 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,640 Speaker 5: So you pick up your seventh grade daughter from school, dad, 620 00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:36,200 Speaker 5: and you go, how is your day? 621 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: What does she say? 622 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 2: She starts talking about all sorts of things or or 623 00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:44,000 Speaker 2: she says nothing. 624 00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,920 Speaker 1: There you go and she either motormouth or had a 625 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:48,600 Speaker 1: bad day or whatever. 626 00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 5: He goes, fine, yeah, right, Well, men, you go home 627 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:54,719 Speaker 5: and your wife asked how is her day? And you 628 00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:58,680 Speaker 5: go fine, that's a non answer answer on venus and 629 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:00,120 Speaker 5: men you think. 630 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:01,960 Speaker 1: If she had more to tell me, she would have 631 00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 1: told me. 632 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 5: And women think if you cared more, you would ask more, 633 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:09,400 Speaker 5: and we're like, oh miss each other. Right, So here's 634 00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 5: a practical action, step man, that you can put into 635 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:16,319 Speaker 5: practice to keep the conversation going and let her know 636 00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:20,600 Speaker 5: you're listening. So you say, what about your day was fine? 637 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 5: Why is it fine? What was the best part of 638 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:28,600 Speaker 5: your day that made it fine? Take her word and 639 00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:29,919 Speaker 5: pair it with the who, what, when? 640 00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:30,160 Speaker 4: Where? 641 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 5: There's no right or wrong. She may say, well, it 642 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:39,960 Speaker 5: was really good. Choir, keyword, choir? What happened to chore? 643 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 5: Because sometimes men, you're trying to think of a whole 644 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:44,280 Speaker 5: nother topic. 645 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 1: Well, how was lunch with your friends? You don't have 646 00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:48,880 Speaker 1: to work that hard. 647 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,520 Speaker 5: You're just listening to the word and then pairing it 648 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:56,400 Speaker 5: with a who, what, when, where, why or how? Watch 649 00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:58,799 Speaker 5: what happens because she will not only know you heard 650 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:01,919 Speaker 5: her because you used her exact word, but then see 651 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:05,080 Speaker 5: that she goes, well, inquire today, like you know that 652 00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,960 Speaker 5: guy Austin that I've really liked and he's so cute, 653 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:08,560 Speaker 5: and like everybody looked at me when he when he 654 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 5: smiled at me, and I was so embarrassed, and I 655 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,520 Speaker 5: thought I was gonna leave it, and you're like, I 656 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:12,799 Speaker 5: don't even know what you just said. 657 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:21,000 Speaker 6: Oh keyword. The guy who's Austin? What's Austin? Like, where 658 00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:24,640 Speaker 6: did you meet Austin? And she's gonna know you heard 659 00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:30,080 Speaker 6: her dad, Watch what happens. It is a fantastic tool that. 660 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,719 Speaker 5: Will work in all your relationships. What do you guys 661 00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:33,200 Speaker 5: think practical enough? 662 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,920 Speaker 3: Oh gosh, this is fantastic. 663 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:36,400 Speaker 1: It is. 664 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:38,759 Speaker 3: Let me just tell you. One of the one of 665 00:35:38,800 --> 00:35:41,920 Speaker 3: the things that ties us guys up in knots is 666 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:45,560 Speaker 3: that I'm going to run out of questions. I'm going 667 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:50,680 Speaker 3: to I'm not going to be enough to ask the 668 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,640 Speaker 3: right stuff. And what you're just telling us here is 669 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:57,960 Speaker 3: it's just like tennis. It's you know, we're just hitting 670 00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:02,839 Speaker 3: it back and letting her go and by asking that who, what, when? 671 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 2: Where? 672 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:08,120 Speaker 3: How? And that's easy. We can do that. I never 673 00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:08,920 Speaker 3: heard that before. 674 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,200 Speaker 5: And if you don't know, like you get flooded and 675 00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:14,319 Speaker 5: you're like, okay, I can't even remember the last word. 676 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:18,560 Speaker 5: Here's another variation on the theme, just repeat. 677 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,120 Speaker 1: What she just said. 678 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,640 Speaker 5: So choir was really good today, Like you could just 679 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,240 Speaker 5: repeat what she said and put it in a question 680 00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 5: and she'll know you heard her. 681 00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 1: And and it. 682 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,440 Speaker 5: Takes some practice, like you said, like tennis, we've got 683 00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:34,600 Speaker 5: a practice if you want to win. But it becomes 684 00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:38,360 Speaker 5: easier and more intuitive because remember, Dad's like I said earlier, 685 00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:43,000 Speaker 5: we as women figure things out by talking. So when 686 00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,920 Speaker 5: you're a sounding board and she gets to hear herself talk, 687 00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,640 Speaker 5: her distress comes down. Your distress comes down. And Dad, 688 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:53,319 Speaker 5: that's how you put the here in hero, because you're 689 00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:54,960 Speaker 5: right here, right now. 690 00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,319 Speaker 1: You don't have to be perfect, You just have to 691 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:57,880 Speaker 1: be present. 692 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,240 Speaker 3: So as I'm hearing this, I'm thinking about our twenty 693 00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 3: three year old son, I'm thinking about guys in that 694 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:09,480 Speaker 3: age group who are going, I don't know how to 695 00:37:09,719 --> 00:37:14,359 Speaker 3: really have a conversation with a young woman. I mean, 696 00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,479 Speaker 3: we're talking about dads here, but my goodness, I mean 697 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:23,200 Speaker 3: these are skills that any young man can develop. And 698 00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:27,879 Speaker 3: quite frankly, I can still remember high school dates and 699 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:31,759 Speaker 3: I can remember saying these words to the girl that 700 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,920 Speaker 3: I'm driving from the dance to her home or whatever. Well, 701 00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:40,319 Speaker 3: I don't have anything more to say. And this is 702 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:44,759 Speaker 3: what you're describing is inexhaustible. If you know the guy 703 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:47,520 Speaker 3: is willing to practice and learn how to do that well. 704 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:52,120 Speaker 2: And if I could also mention, I think one of 705 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:55,560 Speaker 2: the things that would help, especially dads, but you're right, 706 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:59,080 Speaker 2: it could help, It could help anybody. Yeah, is it's 707 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 2: also a tool when those heightened emotions hit that It's like, 708 00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,600 Speaker 2: like you said, I I have practiced something. I have 709 00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:12,440 Speaker 2: something available that I can pull out when I'm not thinking, 710 00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:18,000 Speaker 2: because it's sort of automatic for me to say, even 711 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,080 Speaker 2: when I'm not thinking and I don't know what, I'm 712 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,240 Speaker 2: just to say, Okay, who. 713 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,600 Speaker 4: What, when, where, why, and how? 714 00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:27,920 Speaker 2: At least I can do that without having to think exactly. 715 00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:30,439 Speaker 5: And the one of those that I would encourage men 716 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:35,160 Speaker 5: to use the least is why, because sometimes why is 717 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:36,160 Speaker 5: a looping. 718 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,200 Speaker 4: Question and like amster wheel. 719 00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:41,200 Speaker 1: Why did you do that? I don't know? End of story? 720 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:45,919 Speaker 1: So use that one the most sparingly. But sometimes why 721 00:38:45,920 --> 00:38:48,160 Speaker 1: do you? Like Austin that right, you could. 722 00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:50,360 Speaker 5: It's not that you can't ever use it, just that's 723 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:52,360 Speaker 5: the one I wanted to put up the six to 724 00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:55,880 Speaker 5: use the least, And You're right. The more you practice this, 725 00:38:56,280 --> 00:39:00,319 Speaker 5: what I found is that builds men's competence, which then 726 00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:03,360 Speaker 5: builds their confidence for sure. 727 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:07,279 Speaker 1: We always we. 728 00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 3: Always ask our guests to, you know, because we know humans, 729 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,960 Speaker 3: we're we're forgetful things and some of the things that 730 00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:18,360 Speaker 3: they've heard, you know, you say, you know, they go, 731 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:20,400 Speaker 3: oh my gosh, I'm never going to forget that, and 732 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:24,480 Speaker 3: we do so because there was so much great content. 733 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:32,120 Speaker 3: Could you leave our listeners, particularly the guys, with one 734 00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:36,719 Speaker 3: thing with you know, if you remember just this one 735 00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:38,960 Speaker 3: thing of all of it, to. 736 00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,439 Speaker 2: Have a great to build a great relationship with your daughter, 737 00:39:41,560 --> 00:39:42,480 Speaker 2: regardless of age. 738 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,799 Speaker 5: You're putting me on the spot to say, no, I'm 739 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,440 Speaker 5: from Venus, Like, how could I have one thing? 740 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:51,400 Speaker 1: Yes? 741 00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 3: Well, and it could be something of what you just said, 742 00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,880 Speaker 3: you know, the the most what you've found is the 743 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,359 Speaker 3: most practical take away for a guy. 744 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,600 Speaker 1: I am gonna do a two parter because I want. 745 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:06,959 Speaker 3: To say two things this is good. 746 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:10,480 Speaker 5: So the first one is that dad, never believe the 747 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:15,600 Speaker 5: lie that you don't matter. Your presence in your daughter's 748 00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:20,279 Speaker 5: life throughout her lifespan, regardless of what she thinks or 749 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:23,879 Speaker 5: has told you, or especially with a divorce or estrangement 750 00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:28,000 Speaker 5: where you've gotten a message that you don't matter. Is 751 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:31,200 Speaker 5: We're here to tell you that God as a father 752 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:33,239 Speaker 5: has called you and equipped you to be a dad, 753 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:37,000 Speaker 5: and if you can come with humility to make amends, 754 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,680 Speaker 5: if there's been a burned out bridge, I would say 755 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,200 Speaker 5: start with saying, tell me how I hurt you when? 756 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,560 Speaker 1: Wow, make it right. 757 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:48,319 Speaker 5: So, Dad, it's kind of a two parterre there to 758 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:53,000 Speaker 5: say you matter and part of what you need to do. 759 00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:55,959 Speaker 1: And I'm saying need it's on you as the dad. 760 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,799 Speaker 5: Notice you know again the last verse of the Old 761 00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:02,800 Speaker 5: Testament Malachi forced it starts by saying, if the hearts 762 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:06,359 Speaker 5: of fathers turn, then the hearts of children turn back. 763 00:41:06,719 --> 00:41:10,279 Speaker 5: But Dad, it's you first, and it's reciprocal. But it 764 00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:11,239 Speaker 5: starts with you. 765 00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,000 Speaker 1: Initiating as the adult, as the father. 766 00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,120 Speaker 5: And even if you've been given a message that you 767 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:20,319 Speaker 5: don't matter, you do, but come with humility. 768 00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:21,560 Speaker 1: That's the second half. 769 00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:24,440 Speaker 5: And if there's a burned out bridge and there's been hurts, 770 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,640 Speaker 5: I would encourage you to humble yourself and say tell 771 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:31,680 Speaker 5: me how I hurt you when, and listen without defensiveness 772 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:35,120 Speaker 5: or anger, and watch what happens so that we can 773 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:40,040 Speaker 5: raise a generation and see a generation change of women who. 774 00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:45,680 Speaker 1: Have healed hearts because their dads initiated that healing process 775 00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:46,320 Speaker 1: with them. 776 00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:50,680 Speaker 3: Thank you. That is fantastic, very important. And I know 777 00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:55,800 Speaker 3: that there are guys who are listening and are going, Okay, 778 00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:01,200 Speaker 3: I see that I can do this, and that's that's 779 00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:04,680 Speaker 3: so critical. So thank you, Michelle. That's fantastic. 780 00:42:04,840 --> 00:42:06,520 Speaker 1: Oh I've loved being here with both of you. 781 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,040 Speaker 5: I love that we've all contributed to this conversation because 782 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:14,200 Speaker 5: we're all championing men, aren't we to say, don't give up, 783 00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,920 Speaker 5: don't stop trying, don't believe the lie that you don't matter, 784 00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:21,160 Speaker 5: and keep equipping yourself. 785 00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,920 Speaker 1: That's why we all are writing books, you know. That's 786 00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:25,880 Speaker 1: why I have sixty conversation starters. 787 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,759 Speaker 5: And let's talk like Dad, I don't want you to 788 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,279 Speaker 5: ever say I didn't know what to say. I didn't 789 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,680 Speaker 5: know how to keep the conversation going. And I'm saying, Dad, 790 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:34,359 Speaker 5: roll me under the bus. If your daughter goes that's 791 00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:36,640 Speaker 5: a stupid question, go, I know, make fun of me 792 00:42:36,719 --> 00:42:40,080 Speaker 5: together and then go on to the next one. 793 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:40,880 Speaker 1: Keep it going. 794 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:45,880 Speaker 3: So how can people find you your podcast? Your books? 795 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:46,359 Speaker 1: Yep? 796 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:50,080 Speaker 5: So the podcast is the Dad Whisper podcast, which Great 797 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:53,600 Speaker 5: Nave the name we all know Chris Fabriete moody. 798 00:42:53,719 --> 00:42:57,160 Speaker 1: He called me that years ago and it sort of suck. 799 00:42:57,239 --> 00:42:59,120 Speaker 1: He said, we don't like women shouting at us. 800 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:02,319 Speaker 5: And somehow you whisper, and I'm like, okay, that's a 801 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:05,080 Speaker 5: good thing because I could shout. And so the Dad 802 00:43:05,080 --> 00:43:07,319 Speaker 5: Whisper podcast on all platforms, and then you can go 803 00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:11,080 Speaker 5: to doctor Michelle Watson dot com links to my books. 804 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:12,000 Speaker 1: You can sign up for my. 805 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:15,680 Speaker 5: Every other week Dad Daughter Friday blog, which I've been doing, 806 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:19,319 Speaker 5: you guys since twenty fourteen because I just want to 807 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:22,399 Speaker 5: equip men, and all of this stuff, most of it 808 00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:26,200 Speaker 5: is free, except my books. So Dad's reach out to me, 809 00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,080 Speaker 5: let's keep the conversation going true. 810 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,480 Speaker 4: Oh, thank you so much. 811 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:31,959 Speaker 2: We're going to put all that stuff in the show 812 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:33,960 Speaker 2: notes too. So I just want to say thank you 813 00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:38,759 Speaker 2: to Michelle. And I also would urge that if you 814 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,880 Speaker 2: are in relationship the dad who needs to hear this, 815 00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:45,920 Speaker 2: or you know somebody who needs to hear this, I 816 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:50,560 Speaker 2: hope you'll share today's episode and tag us and tag 817 00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:53,480 Speaker 2: her on all your social media channels. 818 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:57,400 Speaker 3: And I just want to say thanks for being our friend, Michelle. 819 00:43:57,480 --> 00:44:02,880 Speaker 3: I mean, honestly, I hope that this podcast, your interview 820 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:07,680 Speaker 3: gets spread far and wide. But if it's just this 821 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,560 Speaker 3: guy sitting on the other side of the camera here, 822 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,960 Speaker 3: who is the only one who benefits? Thank you, because 823 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,000 Speaker 3: I've benefited. I really appreciate you. 824 00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,960 Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to I wish you could hear this. 825 00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:25,120 Speaker 2: Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and as always, forward 826 00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:28,400 Speaker 2: today's audio or video link to a friend, counselor, or 827 00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:34,680 Speaker 2: pastor who would be encouraged. I just want to take 828 00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:37,440 Speaker 2: a second to thank the team at Life Audio for 829 00:44:37,480 --> 00:44:40,560 Speaker 2: their partnership with us on the podcast. If you go 830 00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:43,839 Speaker 2: to lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of other 831 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:47,880 Speaker 2: faith centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, 832 00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,520 Speaker 2: Bible study, parenting, and more.