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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, it's Dana See and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. How to do an in

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Speaker 1: home separation successfully. You didn't stand before a past or,

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Speaker 1: a priest, an efficient at your wedding and say until

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Speaker 1: we separate. No, it was till death do us part. Right. Hey,

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Speaker 1: hey friends, it's Dana se and you're listening to the

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Speaker 1: Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. Today's conversation it's going to piggyback

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Speaker 1: on the two previous episodes we've been talking about separating. Now.

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Speaker 1: If you know me, if you've listened to any of

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Speaker 1: my content, if you've watched any of my videos, you

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Speaker 1: know that I am one hundred percent pro marriage. And

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Speaker 1: I'm going to say that all throughout this episode because

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Speaker 1: I don't want you to think that I am someone

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Speaker 1: who is encouraging you to separate. I believe in marriage.

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Speaker 1: I want you to fight for your marriage. I want

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Speaker 1: you to stick and stay. I believe that God can

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Speaker 1: do incredible things in your marriage. But there are sometimes

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Speaker 1: situations where a separation may be warranted. I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to get into all of those reasons, but go back

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Speaker 1: and listen to episode four O six if you haven't

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Speaker 1: already listened to that one because I'm talking in that

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Speaker 1: episode specifically about how to separate with purpose, how to

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Speaker 1: separate the smart way if you remember that one. That

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Speaker 1: was an acronym that I gave you for how we

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Speaker 1: can actually make good decisions through the separation process. And

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Speaker 1: then last week's episode, we talked about having a plan. Why,

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Speaker 1: because most people do not plan to fail. They fail

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Speaker 1: to plan. And so it's just like with anything else

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Speaker 1: in life, if you do not have a plan of action,

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Speaker 1: if you just think we're just going to separate and

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Speaker 1: it's just gonna work out, it's not gonna work out, Okay,

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Speaker 1: You're gonna be surprised and not in the good way.

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Speaker 1: So I highly recommend that you have a plan of separation.

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Speaker 1: All right, So what I want to talk about in

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Speaker 1: this particular episode is something that I do not hear

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Speaker 1: talked about at all really for sure, not often, and

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Speaker 1: it's how to do an in home separation successfully. Maybe

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Speaker 1: you're going through a situation in your marriage where you realize, okay,

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Speaker 1: we need to separate, but maybe for financial reasons you

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Speaker 1: just cannot, like there is absolutely no way that you

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Speaker 1: can carry on two households, or maybe there's some sort

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Speaker 1: of a rare situation like I'm thinking maybe a child.

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Speaker 1: You have a child with special needs, and you can't

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Speaker 1: separate because both of you need to be doing certain

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Speaker 1: things for that child. I don't know the Again, these

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Speaker 1: situations are more rare. But there are situations like military, right,

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Speaker 1: Like let's say you own your spouse on the military

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Speaker 1: and you're stationed overseas for a year or for two years.

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Speaker 1: You probably don't want to go get another house and

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Speaker 1: that other country for what should be a temporary situation.

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Speaker 1: So there are situations like that, and of course many

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Speaker 1: many more where an in home separation might be your

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Speaker 1: best bet. So before we get into these nine on

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Speaker 1: how to have a successful in home separation, I want

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Speaker 1: you to remember three words, actually six. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: give you three positive words, and I'm gonna give you

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Speaker 1: three negative words. Okay, And this is going to guide

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Speaker 1: our time together because they're gonna hear me keep coming

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Speaker 1: back to these words, all right, So I want you

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Speaker 1: to say yes to clarity, consistency, and cooperation. Let's say

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Speaker 1: I'm together. Clarity, consistency, cooperation. One more time. Clarity consistency cooperation.

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Speaker 1: If you do not have a clear plan. And this

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Speaker 1: is why I'm telling you must have a plan when

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Speaker 1: you're separating, because if you are not clear, the whole

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Speaker 1: thing is going to break down. If you are not

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Speaker 1: consistent with your boundaries, which we're going to talk about,

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Speaker 1: if you're not consistent with your communication, the whole thing

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Speaker 1: is going to fall apart. Okay, And if you are

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Speaker 1: not cooperating. Let's say there's one spouse that's like, I

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Speaker 1: didn't want this separation anyway, I'm gonna do whatever I

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Speaker 1: want to do. Yeah, we're still going to live in

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Speaker 1: that same house, so you're still gonna cook for me,

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Speaker 1: and like, obviously that's not gonna work. So we must

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Speaker 1: remember clarity, cooperation, consistency. Now three negative words I also

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Speaker 1: want you to remember, okay, and that is confusion, consequences,

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Speaker 1: and chaos. Let's say them together. Confusion, consequences, chaos. We

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Speaker 1: do not want those in our marriage or in our

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Speaker 1: separation plan. No confusion, and the plan that I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: lay out for you today is gonna help you with that, Okay.

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Speaker 1: So there shouldn't be any confusion. You shouldn't be six

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Speaker 1: months ince you're in home separation or three months or

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Speaker 1: six weeks into it, thinking what is going on here? Like,

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Speaker 1: I'm so confused? No confusion, okay, But this is also

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Speaker 1: not about consequences. Now, if you're separating because you need

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Speaker 1: to teach your spouse a lesson and you're gonna punish them,

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Speaker 1: you're probably not going to have a healthy in home

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Speaker 1: separation or traditional separation that will lead to reconciliation. So

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Speaker 1: be careful with using this as a tool to punish

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Speaker 1: your spouse, all right. And then the third thing that

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Speaker 1: I want you to shy away from is chaos. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we don't need to be in drama and trauma in

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Speaker 1: meltdown mode. Now. Is there gonna be some pain and

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Speaker 1: stress with a separation, even an in home separation, yes,

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Speaker 1: because this was not what your marriage was supposed to

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Speaker 1: look like. You didn't stand before a past or, a priest,

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Speaker 1: an efficient at your wedding and say until we separate. No,

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Speaker 1: it was till death do us part? Right, So, yes,

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Speaker 1: there's gonna be some pain, and yes this is hard,

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Speaker 1: it's hard for everybody. But I want you to go

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Speaker 1: into this not thinking this is gonna be chaotic, this

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Speaker 1: is this is just not gonna work. This is gonna

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Speaker 1: be crazy. No, no, no, you can actually employ these

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Speaker 1: nine tips I'm about to share with you so that

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Speaker 1: you can have a much better success rate at your

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Speaker 1: in home separation. Okay, I hope you guys are ready

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Speaker 1: to dive in. I have so much to share and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to try to do all of this in

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Speaker 1: our normal podcast time, which is about thirty minutes. All right,

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Speaker 1: So the first thing that I want you to know

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Speaker 1: is you must define your purpose. Number one. Why are

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Speaker 1: we separating? What's the point? What's the purpose of this?

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Speaker 1: Are we separating unto reconciliation? Are we separating unto healing?

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Speaker 1: Or are we separating because I don't like you anymore?

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Speaker 1: I don't want to sleep in the same bed with you.

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Speaker 1: You're messy. We need to separate again. Go back and

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Speaker 1: listen to episode four oh six. I lay out some

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Speaker 1: what I believe are really the only valid reasons for

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Speaker 1: a separation. And again, everything that I teach you all

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Speaker 1: is from a faith based, biblical worldview. So your worldview

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Speaker 1: might be if my spouse isn't doing it for me anymore,

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Speaker 1: I'm out. That's not a biblical worldview. It's certainly not

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Speaker 1: even in non religious settings. Most people don't look at

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Speaker 1: marriage that way. I want you to make sure that

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Speaker 1: if you don't have a purpose, that you go back

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Speaker 1: and listen to that episode so that you know why

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Speaker 1: we're doing this, and then your spouse needs to know

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Speaker 1: and y'all need to be on the same page about

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Speaker 1: the purpose of your separation. So that's Numero uno. You've

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Speaker 1: got to be able to define your why why are

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Speaker 1: we separating? Okay, number two? You must you must establish

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Speaker 1: clear boundaries, clear boundaries. This is gonna save you so

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Speaker 1: much frustration. Listen, listen. This is gonna save you so

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Speaker 1: much heartache, so many unnecessary conversations when you establish clear boundaries.

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Speaker 1: What are the rules of engagement? Are you able to

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Speaker 1: come into my bedroom? You live in the basement, sir,

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Speaker 1: Why are you in my bedroom? Are you still deciding

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Speaker 1: that we're going to sleep together, like, not necessarily have sex,

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Speaker 1: but we're going to sleep in the same bed. Maybe

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Speaker 1: we're going to stay separated all day, but we're going

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Speaker 1: to stay in that same bed. Yikes, that's going to

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Speaker 1: be difficult for many reasons. But like, what are your boundaries?

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Speaker 1: It's not on me to tell you what your boundaries are.

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Speaker 1: That's a conversation that you and your spouse need to

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Speaker 1: have so that you both can know what are our boundaries,

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Speaker 1: but both of you need to be able to clearly

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Speaker 1: communicate what the boundaries are. Don't have like twelve boundaries, okay,

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Speaker 1: have like three or four that you know that you're

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Speaker 1: going to stick to and that you're going to be

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Speaker 1: accountable to and keep each other accountable to. Okay. One

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Speaker 1: of the biggest ones that I can think of, obviously

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Speaker 1: I just mentioned it is personal space, but there are

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Speaker 1: other boundaries, communication boundaries, financial boundaries, other things that you're

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Speaker 1: going to need to talk about so that you both

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Speaker 1: can establish these very clear boundaries. Okay. Number three, set

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Speaker 1: a time limit. Now you have heard me talk about

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Speaker 1: this an episode four O six and an episode for

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Speaker 1: seven where I lay out a plan for separation. But

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Speaker 1: I'm mentioning it again because it is important that you

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Speaker 1: know how long this thing is supposed to last. Are

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Speaker 1: we separating for thirty days? Are we separating for one year?

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Speaker 1: If one of you thinks that we're just doing this

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Speaker 1: temporarily until my spouse kind of cools down, but the

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Speaker 1: other person is like, oh no, no, like this is

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Speaker 1: going to be like a clear year. Well, then you

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Speaker 1: see how the chaos has just ensued. You just introduced

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Speaker 1: chaos right there because you don't have a time plan.

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Speaker 1: So make sure that both of you know how long

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Speaker 1: this thing is supposed to last. Now, let me tell

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Speaker 1: you something with the timeline. I was asked from the

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Speaker 1: other episodes when I said, you know, make sure that

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Speaker 1: you have a plan and that it's an established plan,

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Speaker 1: someone wrote in and said, well, what if it's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, getting better after I think they said, like,

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Speaker 1: what if your marriage is being restored after like three months? Great? Off,

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Speaker 1: that's great, Like that's what we want, right, we want reconciliation. However,

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Speaker 1: when you have a time plan, you can give yourself

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Speaker 1: little checkpoints. So in thirty days, come together and say

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Speaker 1: how's this working, how are you feeling, are you growing?

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Speaker 1: Are you learning? What are you learning? Am I changing? Right?

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Speaker 1: You can have these checkpoints along the way, and I

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Speaker 1: would highly recommend that you have them. Whether you're doing

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Speaker 1: a traditional separation or an in home separation, have some checkpoints.

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Speaker 1: Remember those metrics that we talked about in episode four

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Speaker 1: oh six when I gave you that smart acronym. Is

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Speaker 1: it measurable? Right? How do you measure the changes. You're

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Speaker 1: looking for some specific metrics. This is a great time

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Speaker 1: to look and see if those metrics have been met

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Speaker 1: at a thirty day mark, at a sixty day mark,

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Speaker 1: at a ninety day mark. And then if you have

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Speaker 1: a prolonged separation, you can do it once a month

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Speaker 1: or you can do it once a quarter, but have

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Speaker 1: a timeline. Please do not let this thing just go

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Speaker 1: on until the cows come home, because the cow's not

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Speaker 1: coming and then you're going to be stressed. All right,

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Speaker 1: So there's six more tips that I want to give you.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know about you all, but you might

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Speaker 1: want to get a pen and pad. But first we

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Speaker 1: have to take a break for a word from our

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Speaker 1: sponsor and let me just encourage you all. I love

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Speaker 1: hearing your podcast reviews or reading your podcast reviews. If

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Speaker 1: you've been listening to this podcast for a while and

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Speaker 1: you've never written a podcast review, I would love if

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Speaker 1: you would take the time to go on Apple Podcasts

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Speaker 1: or Spotify and just let people know what this podcast

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Speaker 1: means to you. It does so much for the podcast

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Speaker 1: and it helps other people to be able to find

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Speaker 1: the show just like you. So don't go anywhere we'll

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Speaker 1: be right back. Hey friends, Dana sche here breaking into

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Speaker 1: the episode real quick to let you know about my

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Speaker 1: new book, Tried and True Marriage Advice from twelve Imperfect

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Speaker 1: Biblical Couples. If you have not already purchased this book,

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Speaker 1: if you don't have it on audible, you need to

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Speaker 1: get a copy of this book. I specifically wrote this

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Speaker 1: book for marriages in the middle, and that means marriages

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Speaker 1: that you're not like in Splitsville yet, but you're not

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Speaker 1: doing great, marriages that are probably considering a separation, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you would if you could. I want you to

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Speaker 1: make sure that you get this book. You can get

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Speaker 1: it in paperback, ebook or audiobook. Simply go to Tried

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Speaker 1: and True Marriage book dot com and get your copy.

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Speaker 1: I also have a free five day devotional that you

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Speaker 1: can get at Tried and True Marriage book dot Com.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna love this book and it's going to help

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Speaker 1: you to get out of that messy middle of your

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Speaker 1: marriage Tried and True Marriage Book dot Com. All right,

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Speaker 1: So before the break, we were talking about some of

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Speaker 1: these nine tips on how to have a successful in

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Speaker 1: home separation. We talked about knowing your why, We talked

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Speaker 1: about defining and establishing clear boundaries. And then we talked

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Speaker 1: about making sure that you have a timeline, a timeline

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Speaker 1: for your separation, this is how long we're going to

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Speaker 1: be separated, and then having some checkpoints alone along the way. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's continue with number four. Number four is make sure

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Speaker 1: that you prioritize individual healing and growth. When you're separated,

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Speaker 1: you're going to have the tendency to look over at

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Speaker 1: your spouse and be like, are they changing, Are they

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Speaker 1: doing all the things that they need to do. They

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Speaker 1: were supposed to do this, this and this, But what

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Speaker 1: about you? So this is a time for you to heal,

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Speaker 1: This is a time for you to grow, So be

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Speaker 1: sure to prioritize that. And maybe your spouse isn't doing

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Speaker 1: the work. That's one of the metrics that you're going

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Speaker 1: to be looking at, right, But try not to get

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Speaker 1: so bogged down on what your spouse is doing and

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Speaker 1: is not doing that you forget about your own healing

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Speaker 1: and your own growth. So that's a really big one.

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Speaker 1: Prioritize your own healing. That might look like going to therapy,

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Speaker 1: that might look like hiring a coach. Maybe it's not

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Speaker 1: a marriage coach. Maybe it's a life coach, or a

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Speaker 1: financial coach, or a fitness coach. Maybe you need to

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Speaker 1: get in shape, you need to start working out again,

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Speaker 1: you need to get all the junk out of your

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Speaker 1: refrigerator and pantry and start eating healthy. Whatever it might be.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you need to get a second job. I'm not sure.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you need to read more books, listen to podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Whatever it is that you need to do. Though for

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Speaker 1: your own individual healing, be sure to prioritize that during

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Speaker 1: this time. Number five, communicate clearly as often as your

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Speaker 1: boundaries allow. I started to say communicate clearly and often.

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Speaker 1: But maybe your boundary is we only talk once a

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Speaker 1: week for important things. That's totally fair. So if that's

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Speaker 1: the case, you don't want to be communicating often. You

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Speaker 1: shouldn't be texting your spouse every day like you all

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Speaker 1: did when you were together, because you're separated even though

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Speaker 1: you're in the home together. So you all need to

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Speaker 1: establish what consistent communication looks like. Okay, And this is

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Speaker 1: why again, these conversations surrounding separation, this is not like

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Speaker 1: a one and done. It's not like you just talk

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Speaker 1: about this the moment that you decide to separate, and

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Speaker 1: you never revisit these conversations. You're gonna have to come

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Speaker 1: back again, okay, and communicate. What are you communicating about.

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Speaker 1: You're communicating about children if you have them, because just

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Speaker 1: because you all are separated doesn't mean that you're not

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Speaker 1: still a family in that sense that you still both

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Speaker 1: of you carry responsibilities towards your children. So you're going

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Speaker 1: to need to have the conversations about kids. You're also

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Speaker 1: going to need to talk about how things are going again.

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Speaker 1: How do you decide if metrics are being met If

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Speaker 1: you're not communicating, You're going to need to talk about finances, right,

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Speaker 1: There's so many things that you know you're still going

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Speaker 1: to need to talk about. So just establish some consistent rhythms,

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Speaker 1: if I can put it that way. Sometimes that you're

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Speaker 1: going to communicate as often as your personal boundaries, the

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Speaker 1: boundaries that you all set and establish as often as

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Speaker 1: that allows. Okay, number six, what are those metrics and

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Speaker 1: markers that need to change? Again? I discussed this in

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Speaker 1: the two previous episodes, but I'm going to hit it

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Speaker 1: again real quick, because some people do not even understand

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Speaker 1: what they're looking for to change. They're just like, the

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Speaker 1: marriage is bad and I'm done. Okay, what about the

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Speaker 1: marriage is bad though? Is it your spouse is neglecting you?

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Speaker 1: Is it your spouse is being emotionally abusive? Is it

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Speaker 1: that they're spending a whole bunch of money maybe to

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Speaker 1: have a gambling problem and they're getting you all in debt?

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Speaker 1: What is it? So once you know like what is broken,

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Speaker 1: then you can create the metrics or the markers to

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Speaker 1: address those things. So if you have a gambling addiction,

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Speaker 1: then you might need to get in therapy, or you

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Speaker 1: might need a separate bank account, or you might need

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Speaker 1: to have X amount of money saved instead of spent

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Speaker 1: every paycheck. Whatever those metrics are, make sure that you

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Speaker 1: have them. And then a really great time again to

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Speaker 1: revisit those metrics is when you're doing your thirty sixty

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Speaker 1: ninety day checkpoints. If that's what the rhythm is that

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Speaker 1: you decide Number seven, big, Big, divide household responsibilities. Listen,

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Speaker 1: what I'm not going to be doing is acting like

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Speaker 1: I am your chef, your maid, your maintenance person, and

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Speaker 1: we're separated. Okay, so we need to divide the household

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Speaker 1: responsibilities especially and I'm again I'm generalizing a little bit.

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Speaker 1: I know that there are some husbands who take on

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Speaker 1: more of the responsibilities in the home than the wives.

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Speaker 1: But let's just go with the traditional trad wife setup. Okay,

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Speaker 1: let's say you're a wife and you do all of

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Speaker 1: the stuff. You cook, you clean, you sew, you're out

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Speaker 1: there cutting the grass like you do it all when

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Speaker 1: you're separated. It says you don't have to do all that, okay,

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Speaker 1: because guess what your husband will be doing if he

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Speaker 1: had his own place all of that. So it is

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Speaker 1: okay for you to divide some responsibilities and this just

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Speaker 1: might be good marriage avice any but anyway, that's another topic.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to broach that today. You need to

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Speaker 1: divide the household responsibilities. Okay, this is my room. Now

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Speaker 1: you're not gonna be in here using my shower and

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Speaker 1: doing all the things right because hashtag boundaries. So now

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Speaker 1: I will be completely responsible for keeping this area clean.

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Speaker 1: I do not go in the basement that is your space,

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Speaker 1: or in the spare bedroom that is your space. So

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Speaker 1: I will not be going in there to clean or

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Speaker 1: vacuum or dust or clean blinds or wash windows if

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Speaker 1: that is such a thing, because I have never washed

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Speaker 1: my windows. But maybe some of y'all are better than me,

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Speaker 1: and you wash the windows. So you just need to

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Speaker 1: understand what household responsibilities need to be divvied up. Who's

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Speaker 1: gonna cook? Is it every man for themselves minus the kids?

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Speaker 1: Hopefully hopefully you still feed your children when you're going

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Speaker 1: through a separation, But like, are you gonna cook for

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Speaker 1: your spouse if you're separated. I'm not telling you to

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Speaker 1: do it or not to do it. I'm just saying

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Speaker 1: that you need to decide what those responsibilities are. Lawn

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Speaker 1: care again, if you now this is home, because I

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Speaker 1: have never ever and never ever have I ever cut

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Speaker 1: my grass, not one time. Okay, So if God forbid

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Speaker 1: me and Sean were to separate, my grass would look

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Speaker 1: like a forest or I would have to hire a company.

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Speaker 1: So you may need to decide what you need to do, Okay.

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Speaker 1: My point is is that things are going to change

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Speaker 1: even in an in home separation, and they should because

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Speaker 1: the whole point is to see what life is like

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Speaker 1: apart so that you can heal while you're apart. If

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Speaker 1: you're still pretending and doing everything as if you were together,

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Speaker 1: then you're not really separated. So divide those household responsibilities accordingly,

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Speaker 1: that might take a few conversations. Okay, and listen, you

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Speaker 1: might have to negotiate on some things. You probably will

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Speaker 1: have to negotiate on some things. Speaking of negotiations, children

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Speaker 1: number eight, you need to decide what's gonna happen with

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Speaker 1: the kids now. In last week's episode, I believe it

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Speaker 1: was yes when I was talking about the plan of separation,

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Speaker 1: I was saying, I do not agree with separating the children.

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Speaker 1: So for example, let's say you're doing a traditional separation

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Speaker 1: and one spouse it decides to move thirty miles away,

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Speaker 1: and they're like, well, I'm gonna take the sun with me,

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Speaker 1: you keep the daughter with you. I don't think that's wise.

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Speaker 1: I think your children are already going through enough mom

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Speaker 1: and dad being separated. Now I got to be separated

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Speaker 1: from my sibling. Even if they don't like their sibling,

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Speaker 1: it's still hard. So try to keep the kids together. Okay,

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Speaker 1: but you need to have conversations about things like pick

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Speaker 1: up and drop offs. Who's responsible for that? Now we're

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Speaker 1: technically separated, right even though we're doing an in home separation.

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Speaker 1: Who's going to pick up the kids? Who's going to

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Speaker 1: drop off the kids? What if I want to go

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Speaker 1: out for a night with the girls, or you want

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Speaker 1: to go out for a night with the guys. Like,

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Speaker 1: do we just leave and just assume that the other

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Speaker 1: parent is going to be there to quote babysit the children? Like,

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Speaker 1: do you see how messy that could get? Well, why

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Speaker 1: did you leave? Well, because you're home, Yeah, but I

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Speaker 1: had somewhere to go. Or I was planning on having

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Speaker 1: a quiet night to myself. Well, you didn't tell me that.

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Speaker 1: So this is why the communication thing has to happen.

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Speaker 1: All right, but decide what's gonna happen with the children.

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Speaker 1: And yes, you're gonna need to have a conversation with

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Speaker 1: your children, even if you're doing an in home separation.

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Speaker 1: You might be thinking, well, let's do an in home

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Speaker 1: separation because that way we don't have to talk about

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Speaker 1: this with the kids. It's gonna be less stressful and

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Speaker 1: chatot for them. Do you not think your children are

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Speaker 1: gonna realize something's different here, something's different. You might be

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Speaker 1: able to pretend and HI for a little bit, but

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Speaker 1: not for long, and they're gonna have questions. And I

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Speaker 1: have found that the more you communicate, the safer your

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Speaker 1: children feel, not the opposite if you're not saying anything,

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Speaker 1: and y'all are just like being nice to each other.

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Speaker 1: But kids can sense tension. Kids aren't stupid, they know,

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Speaker 1: So just talk to them and let them know mom

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Speaker 1: and dad were doing an in home separation. Listen. I

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Speaker 1: kind of teased this out a few episodes ago, where

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Speaker 1: I says, Sean and I tried this in home separation.

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Speaker 1: We broke all the rules, y'all, none of these We

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Speaker 1: didn't do any of this stuff. That's why I'm telling

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Speaker 1: you what works and what does not work. Okay, we

402
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Speaker 1: didn't have boundaries. He was sleeping in the room half

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Speaker 1: the time. It was just it was a mess. You know,

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Speaker 1: we were not healthy back then at all. All Right,

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Speaker 1: so I'm telling you these things because I have lived

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Speaker 1: these things. Okay, he's not gonna go well for you

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Speaker 1: if you do not put these things in place. The

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Speaker 1: ninth and final tip that I want to give you

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Speaker 1: today is crucial conversations. Now, we've talked about conversations about finance.

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Speaker 1: We've talked about conversations surrounding children. We've talked about conversations

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Speaker 1: even with your friends and loved ones. Right, you need

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Speaker 1: to tell people that you're separated. But this is something

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Speaker 1: that I want to talk to you about crucial conversations.

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Speaker 1: As far as your marriage, this would be a really

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Speaker 1: good time to circle the wagon and discover why you

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Speaker 1: got married in the first place. Why do we even

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Speaker 1: do this? Why do we get married? Especially when you've

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Speaker 1: been married for a long time, you can really get

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Speaker 1: in the habit of just going with the flow and

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Speaker 1: just life life and right. Just life happens, and you're

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Speaker 1: just like trying to keep up that you lose sight

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Speaker 1: of why you even married your spouse. So there are

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Speaker 1: some crucial conversations. There's literally a book. I think I

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Speaker 1: have it in here in my office. It's a book

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Speaker 1: called Crucial Conversations. You guys may have heard of it.

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Speaker 1: I'll link to it. I'm trying to find it. I'll

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Speaker 1: link to it in the show notes of this podcast episode.

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Speaker 1: But that might be a really good book for you

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00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:43,640
Speaker 1: to get. It teaches you how to have crucial conversations.

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00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,480
Speaker 1: Not going to tell you like the conversations that you

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00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,600
Speaker 1: need to have per se but how to have these conversations.

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00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: Because you all know that a conversation can make or

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00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 1: break a relationship. And if you're considering separation. Your relationship

434
00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:00,560
Speaker 1: is probably already fractured, so the way that you approach

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00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:04,399
Speaker 1: these conversations really matter. But listen, this is not the

436
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 1: time to avoid and to ignore. If there is something awry,

437
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,520
Speaker 1: this is your moment. This is when you bring it up.

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00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,600
Speaker 1: This is when you address it, and you probably are

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00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: not going to be able to address it on your own.

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00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,879
Speaker 1: You're probably gonna need a therapist, a counselor, or a

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00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,919
Speaker 1: marriage coach. Depending on the severity of your situation. If

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00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,240
Speaker 1: you're dealing with mental health disorders, addictions, things of that matter,

443
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,840
Speaker 1: you need a therapist. If you're dealing with communication a

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00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:41,440
Speaker 1: lack of trust, that's good for a coach, all right,

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00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,720
Speaker 1: So you have to decide who you're going to bring

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00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,240
Speaker 1: into the mix. You may even need a pastor. I

447
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:49,160
Speaker 1: don't know, but you're gonna need a third party. You're

448
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,439
Speaker 1: gonna need somebody to help walk you all through this

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00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,679
Speaker 1: if you're gonna do this successfully. Now, maybe you've been

450
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: through an in home separation. You've done it and you're like, oh, Dana,

451
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,600
Speaker 1: this is really what we did that we're I'd love

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00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,680
Speaker 1: to hear from you. I would love to hear from

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00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,919
Speaker 1: you because, like I said, my in home separation was

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00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,119
Speaker 1: not successful because I didn't do any of this stuff.

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00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,520
Speaker 1: None of it I think we may have had. We

456
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,280
Speaker 1: had the conversations. We had conversations about kids, and I

457
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:15,480
Speaker 1: was like, and I'm not gonna be taking the kids everywhere,

458
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 1: and that was the conversation. So hopefully you did it

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00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 1: better and you have a story that you would love

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00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,119
Speaker 1: to share. I would love to hear from you, so

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00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 1: you can email me at info at Danashay dot com.

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00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,560
Speaker 1: For the rest of you, listen, my heart goes out

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00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: to you because again I know that none of us

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00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 1: stood before an altar and thought this is where my

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00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,399
Speaker 1: marriage was gonna end up. You likely thought that your

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00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 1: marriage would be way different. But here you are, and

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00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 1: so I want to encourage you that divorce is not

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00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:48,320
Speaker 1: your only option. It isn't. There are so many other

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00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: options that you have before you get to that breaking

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00:25:51,119 --> 00:25:54,040
Speaker 1: point of divorce. And let's make no mistake, it is

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00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,439
Speaker 1: a breaking This is not meant to condemn you if

472
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: you've been divorced, but it is to let you know

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00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,760
Speaker 1: that is not a quick fix. That is not going

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00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: to solve all your problems. As a matter of fact,

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00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 1: it's going to introduce a whole world of new problems.

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00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:12,840
Speaker 1: So before you jump to divorce, consider maybe if an

477
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,480
Speaker 1: in home separation might be a good option for you.

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00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 1: So thanks so much for listening or watching. Speaking of

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00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:23,360
Speaker 1: do you know that all of my podcast episodes are

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00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:26,359
Speaker 1: on YouTube, So if you like to watch me speak

481
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 1: and not just listen to me speak, you can head

482
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: over to YouTube dot com forward slash at missus Dana Shay.

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00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,879
Speaker 1: I am at missus Dana Shay on all social media platforms,

484
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,280
Speaker 1: so I would love if you would give me a

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00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:41,119
Speaker 1: follow and I will see you all on the next episode.

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Speaker 1: Take care,