Speaker 1: Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of
Speaker 1: hours of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs. Had
Speaker 1: to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to Dennisprager dot com.
Speaker 2: I am old fashioned.
Speaker 3: I like two sexes.
Speaker 2: I don't know. I think all of a sudden, I
Speaker 2: don't like being married to what is known as a
Speaker 2: new woman. I want a wife, not a competitor.
Speaker 1: Competitor, competitor, talk about a bit, this crying in the
Speaker 1: morning thing. It's depression, you know, Let's get that fixed.
Speaker 1: That's what men think, isn't it. What Unless you've got
Speaker 1: the answer, unless you can say, oh, I know this
Speaker 1: bloke in the essex rodical fix that, and there's no
Speaker 1: point bothering.
Speaker 2: How do you write women so well?
Speaker 4: I think of a man and I take away reason
Speaker 4: and accountability.
Speaker 5: I love him, I love him, and I don't care
Speaker 5: what you think.
Speaker 3: I love him for the for the man he wants
Speaker 3: to be, and I love him for the man that
Speaker 3: he almost is.
Speaker 6: What do people have rouse about him?
Speaker 2: Money?
Speaker 4: Sex, sex, money he wants, she doesn't want.
Speaker 2: She wants, he doesn't want women.
Speaker 5: I've always been a big problem to me, doctor fusbend.
Speaker 2: He listening.
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, yes, go on, gone.
Speaker 2: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Male Female Hour on
Speaker 2: the Dennis Prager Show. Every week, the second hour of
Speaker 2: my program on Wednesdays is devoted to men and women.
Speaker 2: I call it the Male Female Hour because it's about
Speaker 2: the natures of us. It's not just about the man woman,
Speaker 2: but even deeper, the male female about us. So here
Speaker 2: is today's topic. It is about criticizing your spouse or
Speaker 2: your significant other. If you prefer that term, I can't
Speaker 2: stand it. But if we'll include that group as well,
Speaker 2: I cite a I won't cite the man who gave
Speaker 2: me this quote because I don't want to put him
Speaker 2: on the spot when he's not here. But it was
Speaker 2: a very witty, a witty line that a friend of
Speaker 2: mine told me many years ago. He said, in the beginning,
Speaker 2: God created men and critics. And whenever I have said
Speaker 2: this a speeches, people have cracked up, especially the men.
Speaker 2: The men, They absolutely adore this line. And it's the
Speaker 2: reason that people laugh at any such lines. People don't
Speaker 2: laugh at a line that they can't relate to. If
Speaker 2: I'd have said in the beginning, God created men and poets.
Speaker 2: I don't think anybody would laugh. They would say what
Speaker 2: do you mean? But nobody ever says what do you
Speaker 2: mean when I give the line God created in the beginning,
Speaker 2: God created men and critics. Now, we recently had a
Speaker 2: show about about certain of the things that men do
Speaker 2: that drive women nuts, and I I often agreed with
Speaker 2: them and added some thoughts of my own. This week,
Speaker 2: it's not so much about what women do that drive
Speaker 2: men nuts, and I'm only talking about the criticism thing.
Speaker 2: It's about both sexes. There are men who criticize their
Speaker 2: wives a great deal, so I want to talk to
Speaker 2: you about the issue. And by the way, this also
Speaker 2: applies to friends. Remember everything that applies to friends applies
Speaker 2: to marriages except for the sex part. And that's why
Speaker 2: I consider friendships to be so incredibly important. And I
Speaker 2: think people should date for friends just like they date
Speaker 2: for spouses. That's how important I consider friendships. But here
Speaker 2: is the question on criticism. How do you do it?
Speaker 2: When is it okay? And how much do you do it?
Speaker 2: Those are the questions, And oh wait, I'll tell you
Speaker 2: there's an even more important one in some senses, why
Speaker 2: do you do it? Are the criticisms coming from a
Speaker 2: good place. And so this is the issue. And I'd
Speaker 2: love to get your takes as much as I want
Speaker 2: to give you my take on this subject, because if
Speaker 2: you feel that there is this issue in your marriage
Speaker 2: or your relationship, I would be very interested in hearing,
Speaker 2: because I want others to hear as well about this subject.
Speaker 2: And the subject is criticizing our spouse or our boyfriend, girlfriend,
Speaker 2: significant other partner, whatever the term may be. I happen
Speaker 2: to like marriage, but that's not the specific issue here.
Speaker 2: It's the issue of men and critics, or indeed women
Speaker 2: and critics. So the uh, it's a tough line here
Speaker 2: to balance because on the one hand, if someone never
Speaker 2: says anything about any way at all in which you
Speaker 2: can do better, I mean, you know, is it a
Speaker 2: criticism to say you have something between your teeth after
Speaker 2: you've eaten? Is it a criticism to say you're you're
Speaker 2: speaking too loud at the restaurant? Uh? You know what,
Speaker 2: It's unnatural to never have anything of a critical nature
Speaker 2: to say to the person that you are involved with,
Speaker 2: and and loving criticism dispensed lovingly obviously coming from a
Speaker 2: loving spot, can be one of the greatest services you
Speaker 2: can you can perform in a marriage or in a friendship.
Speaker 2: But on the other hand, we all I think, either
Speaker 2: experienced or have seen elsewhere where there is simply too
Speaker 2: much of it where the relationship seems to be a
Speaker 2: continuous stream of criticism one eight Praeger seven seven six
Speaker 2: one eight p R A. G. E. R seven seven six.
Speaker 2: That's eight seven seven two four three triple seven six
Speaker 2: eight seven seven two four three triple seven six Is
Speaker 2: this an issue in your relationship? Have you given this thought? Here? Is?
Speaker 2: Here is a thought that you might want to consider.
Speaker 2: How about for have some sort of even keep account
Speaker 2: that for every criticism you offer, that it has been
Speaker 2: couched in eight positive statements about the other, that you
Speaker 2: have an eight to one ratio. I'm just throwing out
Speaker 2: a number. Maybe it should be three to one, maybe
Speaker 2: it should be fifty to one, But that you have
Speaker 2: some sort of ratio of positive reinforcing good statements to
Speaker 2: your spouse your partner as critical ones. And then you
Speaker 2: have to figure out, too, what is it you want?
Speaker 2: What is it that is coming Where is the criticism
Speaker 2: coming from? Is it is it really disguised anger? See?
Speaker 2: That's what and the recipient needs to figure out as well.
Speaker 2: Am I hypersensitive? Is this just a loving criticism or
Speaker 2: is it really just disguised anger? And is the person
Speaker 2: just hyper in what they want me to be? And
Speaker 2: is the criticism an attempt to change me? Or is
Speaker 2: it an attempt to improve me? And how much improvement?
Speaker 2: It's a very very complex issue. But the very fact
Speaker 2: that that I'm raising it is helpful because a lot
Speaker 2: of people don't even think about this. How much do
Speaker 2: I criticize? How much am I criticized? Where is it
Speaker 2: coming from? How what tone am I am I giving it?
Speaker 2: And what Let's put it this way, I think it's
Speaker 2: fair to say that the most harmonious relationship will probably
Speaker 2: have less criticism. Is that a fair statement? I mean,
Speaker 2: you look, it's one thing to be criticized by your boss.
Speaker 2: You know, I wish you had done a better job
Speaker 2: in X, Y or Z. Next time you submit this report,
Speaker 2: next time you go on this sales pitch, do this.
Speaker 2: It's one thing to be criticized by your boss. That's
Speaker 2: what a boss is there for. I mean, they hired
Speaker 2: you for a job. You've got to do the job
Speaker 2: well or they get rid of you. But your spouse
Speaker 2: isn't your boss. They didn't hire you while they did
Speaker 2: hire you. I take that back. Actually, I have a
Speaker 2: view of marriage as a form of hiring. We have
Speaker 2: I have hired a partner for life. That that's that's
Speaker 2: a fair statement. But putting that aside, uh, it is
Speaker 2: much harder for most people to take criticism from a
Speaker 2: loved one than from a boss, and it ought to be.
Speaker 2: By the way, I think you should take criticism from
Speaker 2: a boss very, very matter of factly. That's their job.
Speaker 2: I mean, if they're hyper, they're hyper. That's a separate issue.
Speaker 2: But you have to figure out how much. And my
Speaker 2: bottom line is that the less criticism, generally speaking, the
Speaker 2: more harmonious the relationship. A good A good relationship does
Speaker 2: not thrive on a lot of criticism, all right, Let's
Speaker 2: let's be honest. Maybe it does in work. Maybe two
Speaker 2: business partners thrive critiquing each other all the time for
Speaker 2: the sake of the business. That's possible, but it doesn't
Speaker 2: work in the micro. It does not work in a
Speaker 2: family life. In a family situation, that's different. By the way,
Speaker 2: then from kids, I think you should criticize your kids
Speaker 2: when necessary, But that's not an that's not a relationship
Speaker 2: of peers, And you're not seeking You shouldn't be seeking
Speaker 2: to be loved all the time you by your kids.
Speaker 2: You should be seeking to be loved all the time
Speaker 2: by your spouse. So the one of you that is
Speaker 2: doing a lot of criticizing might ask, am I am
Speaker 2: I rendering myself very lovable with all of this criticism.
Speaker 2: Now that doesn't mean there should never be. Of course
Speaker 2: there should be. But I do stick with this statement
Speaker 2: that the less there is, generally speaking, the more harmonious
Speaker 2: the relationship will be. I'll take your calls when we
Speaker 2: come back. This is the Male Female Hour on the
Speaker 2: Dennis Prager Show eight seven seven two four three triple
Speaker 2: seven six or one eight Praguer seven seven six, And
Speaker 2: I also love to read your emails on these subjects.
Speaker 1: Back momentarily this episode of Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: We'll continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: Hi, everybody, Dennis Prager. Here the Male Female Hour on
Speaker 2: the Dennis Prager Show. Every week, this hour the second
Speaker 2: of my three hours on Wednesdays devoted to men and women.
Speaker 2: And this is a very complex subject. The issue of
Speaker 2: criticizing your spouse. My rule of thumb is the less
Speaker 2: the better on many grounds. One the less you do,
Speaker 2: maybe because the more you love about the person and
Speaker 2: therefore feel less necessary to do. Another reason is the
Speaker 2: less you do the more When you do it it
Speaker 2: can be heard. If you criticize so much, then eventually
Speaker 2: what really matters won't be heard in the din of
Speaker 2: all of the other critiques. And at a given point,
Speaker 2: how much do you love somebody that you continually criticize?
Speaker 2: What's to love? On the other hand, you know, we
Speaker 2: can all stand improvement in various areas, and and if
Speaker 2: you know the person loves you, you have to ask.
Speaker 2: And this is very very significant. Here is a toughie
Speaker 2: for a lot of people. You have to ask when
Speaker 2: you're criticized, is the person perhaps right. It's a fairly
Speaker 2: uncommon reaction because the instinctive reaction is to defend oneself.
Speaker 2: And you know, let me give you a macro example,
Speaker 2: because I get a fair share of very angry criticisms
Speaker 2: of me. I mean, I wouldn't even say criticism, say
Speaker 2: attacks on the internet and elsewhere. I mean, they're very public.
Speaker 2: You can you can easily find them if if you search,
Speaker 2: and I will be honest with you, I have learned
Speaker 2: to think that is there any legitimacy to the attack?
Speaker 2: I mean, the way they're saying it, I think very
Speaker 2: low of the person doing the attacking. But there are
Speaker 2: times that I will all say, well, is there any
Speaker 2: is the is the attack completely invalid or overwhelmingly invalid?
Speaker 2: Or is there some truth to it? Now? But that's
Speaker 2: easy for me to do because these are not the
Speaker 2: people I love in my life. Out of these are
Speaker 2: strangers writing, so I can easily do that. It's much
Speaker 2: harder with the spouse. I fully acknowledge. But still, if
Speaker 2: your spouse has credibility and you know that they love
Speaker 2: you and think well of you, that's the critical thing. Here.
Speaker 2: Here is a critical thing that you need to know.
Speaker 2: And then I'm going to take your calls. I think
Speaker 2: the man's name is John Gottman is in Seattle, considered
Speaker 2: by many to be the greatest expert on marriage in
Speaker 2: the country, on the relate un marital relations. He is
Speaker 2: so good at this, apparently that he can watch unobserved
Speaker 2: through a one way mirror. He can watch a couple
Speaker 2: for a few minutes and tell you in how long
Speaker 2: they'll divorce. I mean, the man is amazing, and he
Speaker 2: has said couples can recuperate from anything except one thing.
Speaker 2: They can recuperate from an infidelity. They can recuperate from
Speaker 2: the death of a child. They can recuperate from from
Speaker 2: the loss of jobs. They can recuperate from a terrible accident.
Speaker 2: They cannot recuperate if one has contempt for the other.
Speaker 2: It is the one thing you cannot A marriage cannot
Speaker 2: survive contempt. So if the criticism is either delivered contemptuously
Speaker 2: or is perceived as coming from contempt, then then it
Speaker 2: dooms the marriage. If it comes from love and from
Speaker 2: the opposite of contempt. Respect. If you know your spouse
Speaker 2: things highly of you. But just as you would tell
Speaker 2: a great baseball player, you know, let me just show
Speaker 2: you a little way you might you might hold the
Speaker 2: bat even better and do even better. That's a big
Speaker 2: difference from you know, you're a real loser, and and
Speaker 2: you know, and then then then there's no chance. All righty,
Speaker 2: And let's go to some of your calls here Atlanta,
Speaker 2: Georgia and Barbara, Hello, Barbara.
Speaker 7: Dennis Prager, Hi, my husband gave the greatest answer to
Speaker 7: my criticism. One day I was nitpicking at something and said,
Speaker 7: why did you do it that way? And he said,
Speaker 7: because I live to irritate you.
Speaker 2: That is See. I tell you, if men learn to
Speaker 2: use humor when there when their wife is a little annoyed,
Speaker 2: it is one of the great weapons at me disposal
Speaker 2: that they do not know of.
Speaker 7: Well that year, isn't It makes me think anytime I
Speaker 7: might say something to him, why am I criticizing him?
Speaker 2: You're a good wife. You're a good wife. But you
Speaker 2: admit then I'm sorry, he's a Oh well, that's sorry.
Speaker 2: Tell him tell him what you told me. I hope.
Speaker 2: Just as long as you tell him what you told me,
Speaker 2: that's that's great. So you basically agree with this comment.
Speaker 2: God created men and critics.
Speaker 7: In my case, yeah, I tend to be a little critical.
Speaker 2: Barbara, I love you. That was great. That was just great.
Speaker 2: See if she acknowledges it, I think there is Look,
Speaker 2: I think there's truth to the statement in this way.
Speaker 2: And God knows there were men who criticize their women
Speaker 2: to their they're women far too much, of course, but
Speaker 2: there is truth in this way. Did you ever notice
Speaker 2: how much more women groom their men? You never did
Speaker 2: you ever see once a guy flicking off little tiny
Speaker 2: pieces of god knows what from a woman's dress, his
Speaker 2: wife's dress. No, how often have you seen the wife
Speaker 2: fixing the guy's collar, tie, lapel, shirt, suit, jacket. Right.
Speaker 2: It always reminds me of the monkeys, and it does.
Speaker 2: It reminds me of the monkeys in the zoo when
Speaker 2: you're watching them groom each other. That's how I, for
Speaker 2: whatever reason, I always get that image in my mind.
Speaker 2: And so because there is a part of a woman,
Speaker 2: I do believe this, there is a part of female
Speaker 2: nature that would like their man to be perfect. I'm
Speaker 2: not saying it critically. I mean there are a whole
Speaker 2: host of images that men have and so on. Anyway,
Speaker 2: So let's go, let's continue to get more of the
Speaker 2: calls here, and we go to Catherine in Ulis, Texas. Hi,
Speaker 2: Catherine Dennis Prager, Hello, Hi.
Speaker 5: Rob married ten years this month. And I fully believe
Speaker 5: that with criticism it should be far and few between.
Speaker 5: My husband was part of the Christmas party and sing
Speaker 5: in a trio and his he had a solo at
Speaker 5: the beginning and he killed it. And he had all
Speaker 5: these compliments from everyone and as we're going home, he
Speaker 5: asked me how he did and I said, do you
Speaker 5: want me to be nice or do you want me
Speaker 5: to be honest? And he said, I want you to
Speaker 5: be honest. And so I thought for a minute and
Speaker 5: I said that was the best performance by Kermit the Frog.
Speaker 5: And he was quiet for a minute and then he
Speaker 5: just said, now you know my secret. I can't I
Speaker 5: can't sing in public. And so he just took it
Speaker 5: in stride.
Speaker 2: Oh, I have a big smile. I wish you could
Speaker 2: see me personally. I had a big smile on my
Speaker 2: face this whole dialogue that that you were recounting you did.
Speaker 2: You did a very job that that, and I'm on
Speaker 2: your side. I look, I think the less the better.
Speaker 2: That's what I said for a harmonious relationship. You know. I,
Speaker 2: in fact, I've always used this was this was given
Speaker 2: by Irving Crystal, the godfather of the neo Conservatism. Said,
Speaker 2: you know, there are folks in America always criticizing America.
Speaker 2: All they are constantly criticizing America. They say, well, we
Speaker 2: criticized it because we love it. He said, yeah, but
Speaker 2: what if a man criticized his wife as much? Would
Speaker 2: you say? He loved her, something to keep in mind.
Speaker 2: Stay tuned.
Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: Hi everybody, and welcome back the Dennis Prager Show, The
Speaker 2: Male Female Hour, second hour, Wednesday week. I love your
Speaker 2: emails on this. It helps me writing my book Onto
Speaker 2: Male a Sexual Nature. By the way, but whatever the
Speaker 2: subject on male female, I keep them. I keep your
Speaker 2: letters on it, and I learn a lot from them,
Speaker 2: and you open up to me, because well, frankly, I'm
Speaker 2: pretty open. Subject today is the tough one of criticizing
Speaker 2: your spouse on a very complex subject. My bottom line
Speaker 2: is that generally speaking, the less the better. It doesn't
Speaker 2: mean none. None is not a good idea either, but
Speaker 2: the less the better. If your spouse is so worthy
Speaker 2: of criticism as for it to be a constant, then
Speaker 2: clearly you have chosen the wrong person to be married to.
Speaker 2: I mean, I mean, come on, let's be honest. If
Speaker 2: if you really are married to someone who is deserving
Speaker 2: of constant criticism, then you know, unless you have a philosophical, moral, religious,
Speaker 2: or reason to oppose a divorce, then it seemed to
Speaker 2: me that that would be the most logical thing. And
Speaker 2: even if you say, well, we're staying together for the children,
Speaker 2: it's a very difficult thing to answer. Is it better
Speaker 2: for children to see a parent constantly criticizing the other
Speaker 2: or to experience divorce? I don't know. I don't know
Speaker 2: the answer most not at answer I could give you
Speaker 2: is it depends on the child's nature. But it's hardly
Speaker 2: a beneficent experience for a child to see a spouse
Speaker 2: criticized all the time. The odds are that that's exactly
Speaker 2: what the child will do with either his or her spouse,
Speaker 2: or have done to him or her when they choose
Speaker 2: a spouse. So it's it's a it's a pretty tough thing.
Speaker 2: And what you might want to do is count how
Speaker 2: many how many criticisms have I offered my spouse this week?
Speaker 2: Make a list every time you do it, just write
Speaker 2: a little number down one aight. Praguer seven seven six,
Speaker 2: and let's go to Debbie Escandido, California. Hi, Debbie, Dennis Prager,
Speaker 2: Hi Dennis, thank.
Speaker 6: You for taking my call.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 6: Yeah this I've been married about ten years to my
Speaker 6: husband and he's a wonderful man, very capable I tell
Speaker 6: people there's nothing he really can't take apart and put
Speaker 6: back together. That he's very intelligent, but he tends to
Speaker 6: kind of pick at things, especially in my speech. If
Speaker 6: I've mispronounced a word or said something that he felt
Speaker 6: was incorrect, and it it over the years. Now it
Speaker 6: seems to have undermined my confidence in myself because he
Speaker 6: looks at it as I'm just giving you a suggestion
Speaker 6: on how to do that better. But you know, now
Speaker 6: I'll stop and I'll hesitate before I do something because
Speaker 6: I don't like the criticism.
Speaker 2: Now, now give me give me a specific example if
Speaker 2: you can.
Speaker 6: Well, if I've mispronounced a word, and he'll stop me
Speaker 6: like and say, no, you said that you should be
Speaker 6: said this way.
Speaker 2: Okay. Now, now is he doing that in front of
Speaker 2: others or just when you two were talking?
Speaker 5: Both?
Speaker 2: Okay? Well, I disagree about it being done in front
Speaker 2: of others, and I agree with it being done when
Speaker 2: you're alone. So I'm in the I'm between the two
Speaker 2: of you because in front of others is there's a
Speaker 2: humiliating aspect which should never never take place.
Speaker 6: Sometimes I feel like you knew what I meant.
Speaker 2: Yes, he does, but but and I'm just kind of
Speaker 2: well the question all right, So the question that then
Speaker 2: you have to say, Look, you could say to him, look, honey,
Speaker 2: the truth is, I don't care if I mispronounced words uh.
Speaker 2: When when I'm speaking to people, it does not It
Speaker 2: does not matter to me, and so he'll have to
Speaker 2: make peace with that. But I think it should matter
Speaker 2: to you.
Speaker 6: Well, yeah, I of course I do want to be
Speaker 6: speaking correctly, but you know, it's it's gotten to the
Speaker 6: point where I'll stop. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I understand because you're so self conscious. I understand. Well,
Speaker 2: that's why I this is. It's a very I can't
Speaker 2: I can't answer because I'm not present. That's why I
Speaker 2: The one no no I had was with regard to
Speaker 2: uh when you were in public, because in public uh,
Speaker 2: and anything that even smacks of humiliation is just is
Speaker 2: a no no. Uh. It's a it's a tough call there.
Speaker 2: I know I would want to be I would want
Speaker 2: to be like I speak for a living, so I
Speaker 2: would particularly want to be corrected by my wife anytime
Speaker 2: I mispronounced the word. Okay, anyway, I will continue. This
Speaker 2: is the Male Female Hour on The Dennis Prager Show. Hello, everybody.
Speaker 2: This is Dennis Prager the male female Hour, and the
Speaker 2: subject is criticism of your spouse. While no relationship should
Speaker 2: be criticism free, none, because it almost means you don't
Speaker 2: care about the person and you're not their close friend.
Speaker 2: A close friend does lovingly criticize. But it's how you
Speaker 2: do it, how often you do it, why you do it,
Speaker 2: those are the things that matter, and you have to
Speaker 2: be prepared to accept it under under the circumstances you you,
Speaker 2: the recipient of it, have to be you have to
Speaker 2: accept it under the circumstances that they are given with
Speaker 2: love and respect and solely to better you and so on.
Speaker 2: So these are these are these are appropriate. I have
Speaker 2: changed some of my driving habits, I will admit because
Speaker 2: of my wife's loving way of noting some of my tendencies. Uh,
Speaker 2: that's right, that's fine. All right, let's let's take more
Speaker 2: of your calls here. This is it's it's huge, it's
Speaker 2: a huge subject. Peter in San Antonio, Texas. Dennis Prager,
Speaker 2: thanks for calling behind. How are you okay? Thanks?
Speaker 4: Let me take you off speaker phone. Actually, yes, please
Speaker 4: do can you hear me?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: Okay, I apologize. I appreciate your show, and I learned
Speaker 4: so much from you. I appreciate it. I think God's
Speaker 4: plan for marriage is oneness. So when you criticize your spouse,
Speaker 4: you're basically criticizing yourself. One of our the pastor when
Speaker 4: we first came to know the Lord, he used to
Speaker 4: have a good comeback and said, whenever you criticize each other,
Speaker 4: you'd say to each other, you know, well, you're just
Speaker 4: as this or that because you picked me, you married me,
Speaker 4: you knew my faults before we got married, more or less.
Speaker 4: And that has settled quite a few criticism sessions in
Speaker 4: our marriage. We've been married for twenty one years, right,
Speaker 4: and I think I criticized. I think I criticized my
Speaker 4: wife one than she criticizes me.
Speaker 2: So how did you How did you start reducing the
Speaker 2: amount of criticism? What changed your mind?
Speaker 4: Well, you ask God to give you a love for
Speaker 4: your wife, or or at least seeing things from her
Speaker 4: point of view.
Speaker 2: But but that's excellent. But even before that, what happened
Speaker 2: was you you went for counseling based on the on
Speaker 2: the amount of criticism.
Speaker 4: No, I think no, that this was a comment made
Speaker 4: from the pulpit.
Speaker 2: Oh, how interesting. Oh so that worked, Oh, very good.
Speaker 2: Bless that pastor see pastors and you know radio talk show.
Speaker 2: We never know what line will affect somebody. That's very important. Well,
Speaker 2: that's very good, and that's why I said earlier. Look,
Speaker 2: if if you find that you know you are you
Speaker 2: are being constantly criticized, or you are constantly criticizing, then
Speaker 2: then either you have to reduce it dramatically or realize
Speaker 2: that you were married to the wrong person. I mean,
Speaker 2: somebody worthy of fairly constant criticism is not terribly livable
Speaker 2: with right. I mean, one has to be honest with
Speaker 2: with one self, and the ratio of beautiful comments to
Speaker 2: criticisms has to be a very high one. That's the
Speaker 2: thing that you that that I want to leave that
Speaker 2: with you is I want to embed that in your
Speaker 2: mind that there be this very large ratio of compliment
Speaker 2: to critique. If it's you, you've made the person raw.
Speaker 2: It's like they have a broken bone and you keep
Speaker 2: hitting it. If the if criticism is the primary mode
Speaker 2: of expression that you have toward your spouse, Okay, uh,
Speaker 2: let's go to some more of your calls here and
Speaker 2: uh oh, here's an important one. San Antonio Texas. Laura Hi, Laura.
Speaker 3: Dennis Prager, Hi, Dennis Hi, I should get together with
Speaker 3: Peter in San Antonio. The laugh collor right, you should.
Speaker 3: Contentous family growing up, and I never really could identify
Speaker 3: who was the most offending, my mother or my father.
Speaker 3: It just helped shape me as a married person to
Speaker 3: determine to not be as argumentative as they were. And
Speaker 3: something interesting happened. My father died suddenly in nineteen ninety two,
Speaker 3: and within that next year, my mother said something to
Speaker 3: me that really surprised me, and it was typically an
Speaker 3: ownership type statement. She said, I was responsible for ninety
Speaker 3: five percent of the arguments that we had.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: She made me really sorry for her because of forty
Speaker 3: three years. You know, it takes its toll. There's a cost,
Speaker 3: there's a price every single.
Speaker 7: Time, you know.
Speaker 3: Pick now. She found her repentance in it, and she's
Speaker 3: totally whole and good and healed from it. But it
Speaker 3: just showed me that I was right, you know myself.
Speaker 2: Thirty three years go to well, you were a very
Speaker 2: wise young woman then, Because it is just as likely
Speaker 2: to repeat parental errors as it is to learn from them,
Speaker 2: to do.
Speaker 3: The opposite, absolutely and it's frankly, it can just be habitual.
Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be very scientific. It can just
Speaker 3: be thinking habitual.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's exactly right, that's exactly right, well said. That's why. Look,
Speaker 2: if there's a lot of it in your marriage, it's
Speaker 2: not good, folks. I mean, it's something to know, it's
Speaker 2: something to know. It needs to be reduced. The amount
Speaker 2: of compliments has to be increased, it has to be cushioned.
Speaker 2: You have to figure out what it is. And if
Speaker 2: the person is really worthy of such constant criticism, then
Speaker 2: you shouldn't be with that person. Now, if if for philosophical, religious, familial, psychological,
Speaker 2: financial reasons you can't divorce, then you don't divorce. Fine,
Speaker 2: But I mean, I'm only mentioning the d word, the
Speaker 2: divorce word, not to encourage, but to tell you how
Speaker 2: serious constant criticism is. That a divorce may well be
Speaker 2: preferable to that for all concerned, not just the spouses,
Speaker 2: even perhaps for the children. So this is a very
Speaker 2: big deal. It's not just a nuisance. It's it's it's
Speaker 2: destructive after a while. And if you're and and even
Speaker 2: if your criticisms are legitimate, then if your criticism is legitimate,
Speaker 2: then it just reinforces the D word back in a moment.
Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom. You
Speaker 1: say hello.
Speaker 2: Hello, alrighty hello, I say hello, Dennis Prager Here the
Speaker 2: Male female Hour, terrific calls on a very important subject.
Speaker 2: Your emails will always be appreciated and read, even if
Speaker 2: I can't, of course respond to all of them. The
Speaker 2: issue of criticism and uh, let me let me summarize
Speaker 2: some here. I know Paul in Minnesota has been on
Speaker 2: since the beginning. I feel terrible more critical of he's
Speaker 2: been more. It's about criticizing your spouse. This hour has been.
Speaker 2: By the way, you can get a copy of this hour,
Speaker 2: or of all my hours at a ridiculously nominal fee.
Speaker 2: Call eight hundred two two five eight five eight four.
Speaker 2: This this hour alone might be able to save some
Speaker 2: of your marriages. Eight hundred two two five eight five
Speaker 2: eight four For all of my shows, and to just
Speaker 2: get this hour or this show, or just get all
Speaker 2: of them downloadable again. It's at Dennis Prager dot com
Speaker 2: or at eight hundred two two five eight five eight
Speaker 2: for prager topia, as I subscribe, And here is one
Speaker 2: where I think a spouse might be better able to
Speaker 2: listen to a stranger quote unquote, in other words, a
Speaker 2: third party me than perhaps to you. But the rule
Speaker 2: has to be that the fewer the better. In terms
Speaker 2: of criticisms, doesn't mean none, though, does not mean none.
Speaker 2: So Paul's more critical of his wife, especially in regard
Speaker 2: to organizing the house. Well, you just got to figure
Speaker 2: out a way to I'm not saying you can. I'm
Speaker 2: not a utopian, but figure out a way for you
Speaker 2: to minimize your criticism and to for her or you
Speaker 2: both to figure out how a better way to organize
Speaker 2: the house, or you figure out how to live with it.
Speaker 2: Something has to give because continuing this way is just
Speaker 2: going to be a bad marriage. You don't like the
Speaker 2: wish you organized the house, and you keep criticizing, something
Speaker 2: has to give. I mean, and there are a lot
Speaker 2: of variables there. If I am in Atlanta, Georgia, this
Speaker 2: is one has to choose in marriage between peace and truth.
Speaker 2: Rarely can you have both. God, I'd love to talk
Speaker 2: about that at greater length. That's why I say the
Speaker 2: truth is the greatest macro value not necessarily the greatest
Speaker 2: micro value. Interesting point there, and let's see here, Jim
Speaker 2: in Texas, you learned to go to the lord with
Speaker 2: the criticism first. I'm reading off his own words and
Speaker 2: would realize that I was often wrong with my criticisms,
Speaker 2: and my wife would do the same. I believe you,
Speaker 2: and I think it's a great idea. Now, I wish
Speaker 2: I could have taken Steve, if you could call on Friday, Steve,
Speaker 2: what do I do if I have a criticism? That
Speaker 2: is important? But I am afraid to hurt my wife.
Speaker 2: That's a very important subject. So let me just leave
Speaker 2: you and yes, and in Denver, Michael, you criticize the action,
Speaker 2: not the person agreed. Again the rules, the less the better,
Speaker 2: but that doesn't mean none. And keep a little accounting
Speaker 2: of compliments, number of compliments versus number of criticisms. It's
Speaker 2: been the Male Female Hour or the Dennis Prager Show.
Speaker 1: This has been timeless wisdom with Dennis Prager. Visit Dennisprager
Speaker 1: dot com for thousands of hours of Dennis's lectures, courses,
Speaker 1: and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles.