1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,876 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:39,275 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is the Happy Home. Friends. 5 00:00:39,356 --> 00:00:42,115 Speaker 1: We are in for a treat. My friend Dana Gres. 6 00:00:42,196 --> 00:00:43,716 Speaker 2: Is back in the building. 7 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:46,396 Speaker 1: Dana, thanks so much for coming back to my podcast. 8 00:00:46,995 --> 00:00:49,596 Speaker 3: Always a pleasure. I love hanging out with you, friend. 9 00:00:49,915 --> 00:00:53,315 Speaker 1: So we have our wonderful speaker, our best selling author, 10 00:00:53,676 --> 00:00:56,716 Speaker 1: our True Girl founder. So my girls went to True Girl. 11 00:00:56,836 --> 00:01:01,316 Speaker 1: So these are mother daughter events and resources and books 12 00:01:01,316 --> 00:01:03,715 Speaker 1: so mothers and daughters can connect their hearts. And I've 13 00:01:03,756 --> 00:01:06,955 Speaker 1: been on the Crazy Hair Tour with my girls and. 14 00:01:06,876 --> 00:01:07,796 Speaker 2: Having all the fun. 15 00:01:08,396 --> 00:01:11,476 Speaker 1: And Dana, you have a new book. It's it's a refresh. 16 00:01:11,556 --> 00:01:16,116 Speaker 1: It's of an old book and the Bride wore White. 17 00:01:16,636 --> 00:01:18,236 Speaker 1: Why did you decide to refresh it? 18 00:01:18,316 --> 00:01:19,476 Speaker 2: And why this time? 19 00:01:20,516 --> 00:01:23,956 Speaker 3: Well, you know it was time. I've refreshed the book 20 00:01:24,196 --> 00:01:28,116 Speaker 3: three times previously. Up into twenty eleven. It's been a 21 00:01:28,116 --> 00:01:32,835 Speaker 3: pretty it's been a pretty steady title, continuing to sell. 22 00:01:33,795 --> 00:01:38,356 Speaker 3: But then really in twenty fifteen, the language and the 23 00:01:38,435 --> 00:01:43,756 Speaker 3: landscape of the cultural conversation about sex really shifted dramatically overnight, 24 00:01:44,116 --> 00:01:48,636 Speaker 3: with the legalization of gay marriage being the law of 25 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:52,916 Speaker 3: the land and the ushering in of the gender revolution, 26 00:01:53,996 --> 00:01:57,316 Speaker 3: and so the conversation since I updated the book last 27 00:01:57,316 --> 00:02:01,316 Speaker 3: time in twenty eleven has shifted dramatically culturally, and there 28 00:02:01,316 --> 00:02:03,836 Speaker 3: were a lot of things not included in the twenty 29 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:08,996 Speaker 3: eleven edition that needed to be included. But additionally, a 30 00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:12,756 Speaker 3: very important catalyst was in twenty twenty four I got 31 00:02:12,756 --> 00:02:14,835 Speaker 3: a letter from a mom. I call it the Silver 32 00:02:14,956 --> 00:02:18,436 Speaker 3: Letter because it came in a silver envelope. Oh, and 33 00:02:18,676 --> 00:02:23,516 Speaker 3: it's said I lived a life of sexual integrity and 34 00:02:24,036 --> 00:02:26,956 Speaker 3: was a vision on my wedding night. Was very blessed 35 00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:31,316 Speaker 3: by that decision and many others in my life to 36 00:02:31,476 --> 00:02:34,876 Speaker 3: contribute to a healthy marriage. And so when my daughter 37 00:02:34,916 --> 00:02:36,756 Speaker 3: became old enough to be in the youth group, I 38 00:02:36,835 --> 00:02:40,556 Speaker 3: wanted to have her hear my story, and I wanted 39 00:02:40,555 --> 00:02:42,996 Speaker 3: her peers to hear my story of the choices that 40 00:02:43,036 --> 00:02:46,115 Speaker 3: my husband and I made. And when she approached her 41 00:02:46,196 --> 00:02:50,356 Speaker 3: youth pastor to ask if she could share, she was 42 00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:53,996 Speaker 3: told that it's possible she was exposed to toxic teaching. 43 00:02:55,115 --> 00:02:59,156 Speaker 3: She hadn't been asked who taught you. She hadn't been 44 00:02:59,196 --> 00:03:02,396 Speaker 3: asked what messages led to these decisions. She was just 45 00:03:03,115 --> 00:03:07,756 Speaker 3: informed that probably if the word purity was in the conversation, 46 00:03:07,876 --> 00:03:10,476 Speaker 3: it was toxic. So she wrote to me, Arlene, and 47 00:03:10,555 --> 00:03:15,996 Speaker 3: she said, do you still believe what you wrote way 48 00:03:16,036 --> 00:03:19,236 Speaker 3: back in the year two thousand and I wrest for 49 00:03:19,276 --> 00:03:23,396 Speaker 3: a really long time before I decided, okay, the conversation 50 00:03:23,516 --> 00:03:27,716 Speaker 3: that the purity culture critique, of which I think I 51 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:30,715 Speaker 3: was a part of when I originally wrote the book, 52 00:03:31,076 --> 00:03:34,316 Speaker 3: because I wrote it to say, hey, what about the 53 00:03:34,356 --> 00:03:36,756 Speaker 3: girls who have been redeemed? Where do we fit in 54 00:03:36,796 --> 00:03:42,116 Speaker 3: this conversation? Because that was being forgotten. I realized that 55 00:03:41,836 --> 00:03:47,516 Speaker 3: that critique we need to shepherd it because while it 56 00:03:47,556 --> 00:03:50,476 Speaker 3: can be good to deconstruct what is not biblical and 57 00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:56,556 Speaker 3: what is not being communicated with, yeah, we also have 58 00:03:56,676 --> 00:03:58,316 Speaker 3: to be careful not to throw the baby out with 59 00:03:58,356 --> 00:04:01,796 Speaker 3: the bathwater. And so I'm a little alarmed that in 60 00:04:01,836 --> 00:04:05,276 Speaker 3: some cases that's happening. And the bigger concern I have 61 00:04:05,596 --> 00:04:10,236 Speaker 3: is this, the critique of the conversation is silencing moms. 62 00:04:10,916 --> 00:04:13,636 Speaker 3: This mom said to me, am, I messing my daughter 63 00:04:13,716 --> 00:04:15,956 Speaker 3: up if I talk to her about sex. Am I 64 00:04:15,996 --> 00:04:17,836 Speaker 3: messing my daughter up if I talk to her about 65 00:04:17,916 --> 00:04:21,916 Speaker 3: dressing with dignity? The answer to those questions are both 66 00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,436 Speaker 3: know if you're doing it with the truth of God's 67 00:04:24,476 --> 00:04:28,076 Speaker 3: word and the leading of the Holy Spirit. So we 68 00:04:28,116 --> 00:04:30,876 Speaker 3: can learn and glean from some of the critique, but 69 00:04:30,956 --> 00:04:32,476 Speaker 3: we must not be silenced by it. 70 00:04:34,356 --> 00:04:36,316 Speaker 1: This is so good because it should put courage in 71 00:04:36,436 --> 00:04:39,476 Speaker 1: us to think, Wait a minute, that is strange that 72 00:04:39,876 --> 00:04:42,755 Speaker 1: she would that, That's what the response would be, you know, 73 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,716 Speaker 1: so think, wait a minute, this is something we do 74 00:04:44,796 --> 00:04:46,996 Speaker 1: want our kids to learn. We're going to go to 75 00:04:47,076 --> 00:04:50,755 Speaker 1: those hard places in a moment of okay, wait, this 76 00:04:50,876 --> 00:04:54,556 Speaker 1: sounds harsh to call like sex and pornography and drag 77 00:04:54,636 --> 00:04:57,796 Speaker 1: queens and homosexuality, you know, sin, This sounds really harsh. 78 00:04:57,876 --> 00:04:58,956 Speaker 2: How do I communicate that? 79 00:04:58,996 --> 00:05:01,515 Speaker 1: Tonight we're going to go there and we're going to 80 00:05:01,516 --> 00:05:03,556 Speaker 1: talk about like what if you see your child dating 81 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,755 Speaker 1: and you don't think that's a good choice, what do 82 00:05:05,796 --> 00:05:07,876 Speaker 1: you do? So we are going to go there, But 83 00:05:07,996 --> 00:05:11,356 Speaker 1: I want to back up a little bit for your story, Dana, 84 00:05:11,396 --> 00:05:13,116 Speaker 1: for those who don't know, and just kind of give 85 00:05:13,195 --> 00:05:16,116 Speaker 1: us a summary of because people say, oh, look, she 86 00:05:16,195 --> 00:05:19,516 Speaker 1: started true girl. She started all these things. Life must 87 00:05:19,556 --> 00:05:22,556 Speaker 1: have been perfect, and you, as a girl, very much 88 00:05:22,596 --> 00:05:26,395 Speaker 1: wanted to follow Jesus and made some missteps as a teenager. 89 00:05:26,636 --> 00:05:29,755 Speaker 3: Yeah, I loved Jesus. I still love Jesus so much. 90 00:05:30,276 --> 00:05:31,996 Speaker 3: And when I was eight years old, I felt a 91 00:05:31,996 --> 00:05:34,036 Speaker 3: call in my life to be a Bible teacher or 92 00:05:34,036 --> 00:05:36,955 Speaker 3: a missionary. But when I was fifteen, I was in 93 00:05:36,996 --> 00:05:41,916 Speaker 3: a dating relationship that became sexual. And it was the 94 00:05:42,036 --> 00:05:45,196 Speaker 3: eighties and I was there wasn't the church really wasn't 95 00:05:45,236 --> 00:05:50,676 Speaker 3: talking about sex. We got the annual voushout not speech group, 96 00:05:53,076 --> 00:05:55,636 Speaker 3: but there wasn't a whole lot more, and so I 97 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:59,516 Speaker 3: didn't know who to talk to about what was happening. 98 00:06:00,396 --> 00:06:02,916 Speaker 3: And then when I got out of that relationship, I 99 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,835 Speaker 3: didn't know that I needed to heal because I didn't 100 00:06:06,876 --> 00:06:10,195 Speaker 3: know that. I just I didn't know we weren't talking 101 00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:12,876 Speaker 3: about it. And so when I was a youth leader 102 00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:16,396 Speaker 3: in my twenties, the Purity movement was at this point 103 00:06:16,436 --> 00:06:21,796 Speaker 3: a little bit at its apex. I looked around and 104 00:06:21,836 --> 00:06:23,996 Speaker 3: saw girls in the youth group, and I was like, 105 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:29,556 Speaker 3: my story could help them, My story could heal some 106 00:06:29,676 --> 00:06:32,916 Speaker 3: of them because I had navigated my way to healing. 107 00:06:34,076 --> 00:06:37,796 Speaker 3: But I so I entered the conversation thinking I'm going 108 00:06:37,876 --> 00:06:40,396 Speaker 3: to be rejected because I am certainly not the poster 109 00:06:40,596 --> 00:06:44,956 Speaker 3: child for purity. But my story was welcomed because there 110 00:06:44,956 --> 00:06:48,036 Speaker 3: were so many moms like me who had that story, 111 00:06:48,315 --> 00:06:50,515 Speaker 3: and there were teenagers like me who had the story 112 00:06:50,516 --> 00:06:53,396 Speaker 3: and they needed to sell someone to talk to. And 113 00:06:53,476 --> 00:06:57,796 Speaker 3: so it was shocking to me that my book began selling, 114 00:06:58,476 --> 00:07:02,236 Speaker 3: you know, and kept selling. But it was healing hearts 115 00:07:03,236 --> 00:07:06,236 Speaker 3: and it was addressing some of the I'd like to 116 00:07:06,276 --> 00:07:10,636 Speaker 3: think of it as addressing some of the shortcomings of 117 00:07:10,676 --> 00:07:14,036 Speaker 3: the purity conversation. But it was before cancel culture, so 118 00:07:14,076 --> 00:07:16,276 Speaker 3: we didn't say you made one mistake, one strike, and 119 00:07:16,316 --> 00:07:19,596 Speaker 3: you're out. We kind of entered into the converse and said, 120 00:07:19,996 --> 00:07:23,956 Speaker 3: it looks like you forgot the redemptive grace of Jesus 121 00:07:23,956 --> 00:07:26,596 Speaker 3: for when we mess up. Can we insert that into 122 00:07:26,596 --> 00:07:30,116 Speaker 3: this conversation? And it was, I think, a much more 123 00:07:30,156 --> 00:07:34,236 Speaker 3: constructive way to correct things. But now we're in a 124 00:07:34,276 --> 00:07:36,756 Speaker 3: place where that's not quite how we do it, and 125 00:07:37,436 --> 00:07:39,276 Speaker 3: I'm a little afraid of this conversation. 126 00:07:39,436 --> 00:07:44,756 Speaker 1: Now I'm like, oh, and we need to get to 127 00:07:44,876 --> 00:07:48,836 Speaker 1: back to we can talk about the truth. And if 128 00:07:48,916 --> 00:07:51,556 Speaker 1: I said it in a way that offended you, I 129 00:07:51,636 --> 00:07:53,876 Speaker 1: am sorry, you know what I mean. But I'm still 130 00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:56,076 Speaker 1: going to tell the truth. But we're so afraid, like 131 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,516 Speaker 1: what if I offend the person, maybe I shouldn't even 132 00:07:58,556 --> 00:08:01,076 Speaker 1: say anything. And you know, this is a sign of 133 00:08:01,116 --> 00:08:04,116 Speaker 1: the last times in Matthew, that we will take offense, 134 00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:07,996 Speaker 1: that we will be offended, we will betray one another. 135 00:08:07,716 --> 00:08:09,196 Speaker 2: And we will hate one another. 136 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:12,196 Speaker 1: And we see this inside the church, and so we 137 00:08:12,276 --> 00:08:15,716 Speaker 1: do want to welcome that. Hey, let's make it, especially 138 00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:18,276 Speaker 1: as parents, that we can have these conversations with our 139 00:08:18,396 --> 00:08:21,036 Speaker 1: kids and let our kids know, Hey, if I said 140 00:08:21,036 --> 00:08:23,236 Speaker 1: it in a way that wasn't the right way. 141 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:23,916 Speaker 2: You know, just tell me. 142 00:08:24,116 --> 00:08:26,716 Speaker 1: And let's I want you to uncover what I'm really 143 00:08:26,716 --> 00:08:28,636 Speaker 1: trying to say to you. And don't let the packaging, 144 00:08:29,196 --> 00:08:31,796 Speaker 1: you know, really really mess you up. You write in 145 00:08:31,836 --> 00:08:34,716 Speaker 1: the book, be careful with adding rules to the Bible. 146 00:08:35,356 --> 00:08:39,316 Speaker 1: Be careful also to not soften what the Bible calls sin. 147 00:08:39,876 --> 00:08:42,556 Speaker 1: That's right, right, So we don't want all this culture 148 00:08:42,596 --> 00:08:44,116 Speaker 1: that says, oh, we have to do this and do this, 149 00:08:44,196 --> 00:08:45,876 Speaker 1: and do this, and if you didn't do this, then 150 00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:48,076 Speaker 1: you've missed the boat. Like that's we're not trying to 151 00:08:48,156 --> 00:08:51,356 Speaker 1: add to what the Bible says, but we're also. 152 00:08:51,236 --> 00:08:52,916 Speaker 2: Trying to realize. Okay, wait a minute. 153 00:08:53,036 --> 00:08:59,036 Speaker 1: In the scriptures, God says these things are harmful and sinful. Adultery, prostitution, 154 00:08:59,716 --> 00:09:06,076 Speaker 1: sexual abuse, homosexuality, sex outside of marriage, porn and incest. Right, So, 155 00:09:06,156 --> 00:09:08,836 Speaker 1: oh my goodness, I've said words that people think, like, 156 00:09:08,876 --> 00:09:12,676 Speaker 1: you know, if kids are surveyed, they think pornography is okay, 157 00:09:12,756 --> 00:09:15,556 Speaker 1: but like not recycling is not okay. Right, So we 158 00:09:15,636 --> 00:09:18,076 Speaker 1: live in this world where we don't talk about those 159 00:09:18,116 --> 00:09:21,836 Speaker 1: things of sin. But why do we need to start 160 00:09:22,316 --> 00:09:27,396 Speaker 1: calling those sin again? And why is that not bad 161 00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:27,956 Speaker 1: for kids? 162 00:09:27,956 --> 00:09:29,516 Speaker 2: But actually really good for kids? 163 00:09:29,676 --> 00:09:34,316 Speaker 3: Oh, it protects them. You know, if we're legalistic and 164 00:09:34,396 --> 00:09:37,756 Speaker 3: we add to God's rules, we can really damage their hearts. 165 00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:42,956 Speaker 3: And the thing is, I've been looking at this from 166 00:09:43,156 --> 00:09:45,876 Speaker 3: the moment we first sinned. We've been adding to God's rules. 167 00:09:45,916 --> 00:09:49,396 Speaker 3: Right because Eve, God said don't eat the fruit. She 168 00:09:49,516 --> 00:09:51,876 Speaker 3: adds touch don't even touch the fruit. God didn't say 169 00:09:51,876 --> 00:09:54,156 Speaker 3: don't touch the fruit. I don't know if it mattered. 170 00:09:54,196 --> 00:09:56,916 Speaker 3: I mean, I think we probably shouldn't expose ourselves to 171 00:09:56,996 --> 00:09:58,836 Speaker 3: things that will be tempting to us. So maybe there 172 00:09:58,876 --> 00:10:01,836 Speaker 3: was some logic there, but you know, there's a sense 173 00:10:01,876 --> 00:10:03,876 Speaker 3: there that right out of the bat, right out of 174 00:10:03,876 --> 00:10:09,796 Speaker 3: the gate, we are like being legalistic as human as humans, 175 00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:13,636 Speaker 3: and we're still like that. We're prone to it and 176 00:10:13,676 --> 00:10:18,356 Speaker 3: it's damaging. But the knee jerk reaction to that cannot 177 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:22,876 Speaker 3: be license and not talking to our kids about what 178 00:10:23,076 --> 00:10:27,396 Speaker 3: is good, especially in this culture we live at a 179 00:10:27,436 --> 00:10:32,396 Speaker 3: time when is what God calls good is called evil, 180 00:10:32,636 --> 00:10:35,876 Speaker 3: and what God calls evil is called good. You mentioned 181 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:39,076 Speaker 3: prostitution a moment ago, and as a parent, you might think, well, 182 00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:41,156 Speaker 3: that's I don't know how relevant that one is for 183 00:10:41,276 --> 00:10:48,516 Speaker 3: my child. Well, there are individuals prostituting themselves on social 184 00:10:48,556 --> 00:10:52,436 Speaker 3: media on a regular basis. Either they're prostituting themselves or 185 00:10:52,436 --> 00:10:56,196 Speaker 3: they're paying for the services of those people. And that's 186 00:10:56,236 --> 00:10:59,196 Speaker 3: something that teenagers are doing, that's something college kids are 187 00:10:59,196 --> 00:11:03,436 Speaker 3: doing very readily today. And God says no. Why does 188 00:11:03,476 --> 00:11:06,396 Speaker 3: God say no? Because sex is not a consumer good, 189 00:11:06,516 --> 00:11:09,716 Speaker 3: it's a covenant good. And when you treat it like 190 00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:13,396 Speaker 3: a consumer good, you miss the why and the point 191 00:11:13,436 --> 00:11:15,956 Speaker 3: of it, which is to help us understand our covenant, 192 00:11:15,956 --> 00:11:20,476 Speaker 3: relationship with him, marriage and sex. They're a picture of 193 00:11:20,476 --> 00:11:24,196 Speaker 3: a greater love, a greater covenant, a greater faithfulness than 194 00:11:24,236 --> 00:11:28,756 Speaker 3: we can ever know this side of heaven. And that's 195 00:11:28,876 --> 00:11:32,516 Speaker 3: why we protect that. So it's so important that I 196 00:11:32,516 --> 00:11:35,196 Speaker 3: think we talk to our kids with grace so that 197 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:38,916 Speaker 3: we don't go to that legalistic end of the spectrum. 198 00:11:39,596 --> 00:11:42,796 Speaker 3: But we also don't want cheap grace, right, we don't 199 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,276 Speaker 3: want grace that doesn't mean anything, So we can't move 200 00:11:45,316 --> 00:11:49,396 Speaker 3: towards that license end the spectrum and where we want 201 00:11:49,396 --> 00:11:55,036 Speaker 3: to teach our kids is time consuming. It's messy because 202 00:11:55,076 --> 00:11:57,516 Speaker 3: there is grace involved when you find your kid looking 203 00:11:57,516 --> 00:12:00,636 Speaker 3: at porn, or when you find your kid using one 204 00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:03,756 Speaker 3: of those apps that is I don't even like to 205 00:12:03,836 --> 00:12:06,796 Speaker 3: name them, but they're prostitution apps, that's what they are. 206 00:12:07,396 --> 00:12:10,436 Speaker 3: And parents need to know that. They need to be like, oh, 207 00:12:10,556 --> 00:12:13,636 Speaker 3: this is what this is. The Bible has a name 208 00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:18,596 Speaker 3: for this, and when you find your child in that space, 209 00:12:19,356 --> 00:12:23,516 Speaker 3: grace is messy. Grace is time consuming, and when you're 210 00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:27,916 Speaker 3: teaching your children telling them why God has created sex 211 00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:32,556 Speaker 3: and what it represents, time consuming, right. 212 00:12:32,716 --> 00:12:38,156 Speaker 1: Yeah, Awkward, uncomfortable, easier to skip it easier to ignore it, 213 00:12:38,236 --> 00:12:39,796 Speaker 1: just like they're in their room. I just don't know 214 00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:43,636 Speaker 1: what they're doing. Instead of yes, wow, I actually need 215 00:12:43,636 --> 00:12:47,236 Speaker 1: to be really actively engaged and figure out what they're doing. 216 00:12:47,396 --> 00:12:48,716 Speaker 3: That's right, yep. 217 00:12:51,796 --> 00:12:55,516 Speaker 1: I was reading in Titus and it just went so 218 00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:59,076 Speaker 1: well with today's conversation Titus to eleven. For the grace 219 00:12:59,116 --> 00:13:02,356 Speaker 1: of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 220 00:13:02,996 --> 00:13:07,436 Speaker 1: teaching us that denying ungodliness and worldlyness. So right there, right, 221 00:13:07,516 --> 00:13:10,596 Speaker 1: if our kids, if they're online, what are they being 222 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:14,556 Speaker 1: fed twenty four to seven ungodliness and worldly loss? 223 00:13:14,676 --> 00:13:15,996 Speaker 2: Right, it's not our kids. 224 00:13:16,356 --> 00:13:22,716 Speaker 1: The best, most lovely, kind, pure hearted kids will enter 225 00:13:22,876 --> 00:13:26,076 Speaker 1: online space and if they spend let's just say two 226 00:13:26,076 --> 00:13:28,076 Speaker 1: hours a day on it, they are going to be 227 00:13:28,156 --> 00:13:32,116 Speaker 1: bombarded with ungodly and worldly less. But the Bible tells 228 00:13:32,196 --> 00:13:36,156 Speaker 1: us we should live soberly, righteously and godly in the 229 00:13:36,196 --> 00:13:39,996 Speaker 1: present age. And that's what calling to sexual purity is. Like, Lord, 230 00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:41,676 Speaker 1: how can I be more like you? How can I 231 00:13:41,716 --> 00:13:45,876 Speaker 1: live rightly? Looking for the blessed, hope and glorious appearing 232 00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:48,676 Speaker 1: of the Great God Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us. 233 00:13:49,156 --> 00:13:51,156 Speaker 2: So there is a why right. 234 00:13:51,236 --> 00:13:53,396 Speaker 1: I think we live in the short term, so it 235 00:13:53,476 --> 00:13:56,116 Speaker 1: makes it like, why should I be pure? Why should 236 00:13:56,156 --> 00:13:58,196 Speaker 1: I be so weird? Everybody else says it's not a 237 00:13:58,236 --> 00:14:00,316 Speaker 1: big deal. Why should I be so weird? And kids 238 00:14:00,356 --> 00:14:01,236 Speaker 1: obviously live in. 239 00:14:01,196 --> 00:14:03,356 Speaker 2: The short term. They don't have a prefrontal cortex. They 240 00:14:03,396 --> 00:14:04,676 Speaker 2: don't they can't think this. 241 00:14:04,796 --> 00:14:08,116 Speaker 1: So we as parents, I think, need to start talking 242 00:14:08,276 --> 00:14:12,836 Speaker 1: about the coming of Christ and being prepared to meet 243 00:14:12,876 --> 00:14:16,636 Speaker 1: him and all those things that He might redeem us 244 00:14:16,716 --> 00:14:19,876 Speaker 1: from every lawless deed and purify for himself his own 245 00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:22,876 Speaker 1: special people sell us for good works. How does the 246 00:14:22,956 --> 00:14:27,156 Speaker 1: light of eternity help us? You motivate us to say 247 00:14:27,156 --> 00:14:27,916 Speaker 1: this is worth it? 248 00:14:27,996 --> 00:14:28,636 Speaker 2: To be pure? 249 00:14:28,876 --> 00:14:34,236 Speaker 3: It's everything right, because I think one of the short 250 00:14:34,276 --> 00:14:39,356 Speaker 3: fallowings of some of the cultural conversation related to abstinence 251 00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:44,116 Speaker 3: specifically has been don't have sex before married, You'll get 252 00:14:44,156 --> 00:14:47,796 Speaker 3: a sexually transmitted disease. Don't have sex before marriage, it 253 00:14:47,876 --> 00:14:52,076 Speaker 3: increases your risk of cervical cancer and throat cancer. And 254 00:14:52,836 --> 00:14:56,316 Speaker 3: don't have sex before marriage you might get pregnant and 255 00:14:56,476 --> 00:14:58,996 Speaker 3: not be ready for that commitment, you know, and all 256 00:14:58,996 --> 00:15:05,116 Speaker 3: these scare tactics right now, even just don't have sex 257 00:15:05,116 --> 00:15:08,956 Speaker 3: before marriage because it'll make your relationship with your spouse complicated. Okay, 258 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:12,556 Speaker 3: all of those things can be facts, right, if they're 259 00:15:12,596 --> 00:15:16,756 Speaker 3: not highly motivating. We all think we're immune to anything bad. 260 00:15:17,276 --> 00:15:21,356 Speaker 3: We are the exception to the risk factors. Right. But 261 00:15:21,476 --> 00:15:24,436 Speaker 3: when you start to say, listen, Ephesians five thirty one 262 00:15:24,436 --> 00:15:28,756 Speaker 3: and thirty two says, for this reason, for this reason, 263 00:15:28,796 --> 00:15:30,276 Speaker 3: a man will leave his father and mother and be 264 00:15:30,356 --> 00:15:33,356 Speaker 3: united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 265 00:15:33,396 --> 00:15:36,076 Speaker 3: And then Paul says, I'm really talking about Christ and 266 00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:42,196 Speaker 3: the Church, the reason being that displaying the Gospel, displaying 267 00:15:42,236 --> 00:15:47,316 Speaker 3: the love of Jesus Christ, displaying the intimacy that God 268 00:15:47,436 --> 00:15:50,836 Speaker 3: the Father wants to have with each and every single 269 00:15:50,876 --> 00:15:56,796 Speaker 3: one of us that is made possible through the intimate 270 00:15:56,876 --> 00:16:00,676 Speaker 3: relationship between one man and one woman in the covenant 271 00:16:00,716 --> 00:16:04,276 Speaker 3: of marriage. And when you start to when I when 272 00:16:04,356 --> 00:16:08,276 Speaker 3: I realized that, when I started to see that, the 273 00:16:08,356 --> 00:16:15,996 Speaker 3: whole my understanding of sex was totally rearranged. It's not 274 00:16:16,396 --> 00:16:19,036 Speaker 3: even you go back to from Genesis to Revelation. You 275 00:16:19,036 --> 00:16:22,476 Speaker 3: can see this truth. In Genesis. For one, the first 276 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:27,596 Speaker 3: reference to sexual activity, we see Adam lay with his 277 00:16:27,636 --> 00:16:30,356 Speaker 3: wife Eve and she became pregnant and gave birth. And 278 00:16:30,396 --> 00:16:32,916 Speaker 3: that word lay was actually the word ya da, which 279 00:16:32,956 --> 00:16:36,236 Speaker 3: means to know, to be known, to be deeply respected. 280 00:16:37,036 --> 00:16:42,596 Speaker 3: There's not an inkling of the physical Excuse me, there's 281 00:16:42,636 --> 00:16:45,836 Speaker 3: not an inkling of the physical mechanics of sex in 282 00:16:45,916 --> 00:16:51,036 Speaker 3: that it goes directly to the emotional and spiritual connection 283 00:16:51,876 --> 00:16:54,236 Speaker 3: that a husband and a wife can experience when they 284 00:16:54,276 --> 00:16:58,356 Speaker 3: experience true sexual intimacy, which includes their hearts, their minds, 285 00:16:58,356 --> 00:17:03,396 Speaker 3: their bodies, everything, total integration. But that word YadA is 286 00:17:03,516 --> 00:17:06,556 Speaker 3: used more times than the Old Testament to talk about 287 00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:11,116 Speaker 3: our relationship with God. Be still and know YadA that 288 00:17:11,236 --> 00:17:14,436 Speaker 3: I am God. When we start to teach our kids 289 00:17:14,596 --> 00:17:19,955 Speaker 3: in the context of this, instead of behavioral manager, you're 290 00:17:20,076 --> 00:17:23,035 Speaker 3: creating belief. It's like when we tell them don't have 291 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,556 Speaker 3: a brownie before dinner, Like they're like, but I want 292 00:17:25,556 --> 00:17:29,835 Speaker 3: to have my brownie now, And like the practical version 293 00:17:30,035 --> 00:17:33,316 Speaker 3: of why would be well because you need your vegetables first, right. 294 00:17:34,035 --> 00:17:39,836 Speaker 3: But the deeper why beyond that is your body is 295 00:17:39,876 --> 00:17:41,995 Speaker 3: a temple of the living God, so we care for 296 00:17:42,035 --> 00:17:48,315 Speaker 3: it with great care or even just self control is 297 00:17:48,356 --> 00:17:51,676 Speaker 3: one of the greatest qualities of the Holy Spirit. It's 298 00:17:51,715 --> 00:17:54,316 Speaker 3: listed as a fruit of the spirit is so important, 299 00:17:54,755 --> 00:17:58,756 Speaker 3: and so not eating this brownie before dinner is helping 300 00:17:58,836 --> 00:18:03,235 Speaker 3: you build that muscle of self control. So there's this why, yeah, 301 00:18:03,356 --> 00:18:06,955 Speaker 3: this deeper why not the practical why. The practical whys 302 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:11,636 Speaker 3: for sex are healthy bodies, healthy minds, healthy relationships, right, 303 00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:16,235 Speaker 3: But the deeper why is this beautiful opportunity we have 304 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,276 Speaker 3: to showcase the gospel love of Jesus. 305 00:18:19,796 --> 00:18:21,235 Speaker 1: And you know, it makes me think like, if you're 306 00:18:21,275 --> 00:18:23,795 Speaker 1: talking to a girl who is thinking, wow, I can 307 00:18:23,876 --> 00:18:26,515 Speaker 1: make money by just like showing news of myself, that 308 00:18:26,596 --> 00:18:29,076 Speaker 1: seems pretty easy. Or you're talking to a boy who's 309 00:18:29,076 --> 00:18:32,715 Speaker 1: struggling with looking at pornographia or vice versa. 310 00:18:32,796 --> 00:18:34,436 Speaker 2: You know, all the roles are all mixed. 311 00:18:34,235 --> 00:18:37,636 Speaker 1: Up now, But that you think, like, wait, this is 312 00:18:37,676 --> 00:18:42,676 Speaker 1: supposed to be a dah. This is it's created. It's 313 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:48,715 Speaker 1: designed to be this intimate whole body thing of your mind, 314 00:18:48,796 --> 00:18:52,515 Speaker 1: your spirit, and this committed monogamous relationship. And that's how 315 00:18:52,556 --> 00:18:56,396 Speaker 1: God made it. And so whenever you don't experience that, 316 00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,236 Speaker 1: then you're not getting the best. And then I, as 317 00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:02,955 Speaker 1: your parent, I want to steer you towards your best. 318 00:19:03,116 --> 00:19:04,995 Speaker 1: The best, and I'm going to keep doing that. And 319 00:19:04,995 --> 00:19:08,436 Speaker 1: that's why that youth group mom has that message of 320 00:19:08,556 --> 00:19:11,916 Speaker 1: I want to help you steer to the best. And 321 00:19:12,436 --> 00:19:15,795 Speaker 1: so that Let's say we see our child is dating. Okay, 322 00:19:15,916 --> 00:19:18,596 Speaker 1: so it's you. It's you when you're fifteen and your 323 00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:22,275 Speaker 1: dating and it's not the right guy. Or maybe it's 324 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:24,396 Speaker 1: a great guy, but you're kind of not doing the 325 00:19:24,475 --> 00:19:24,836 Speaker 1: right things. 326 00:19:24,836 --> 00:19:25,955 Speaker 2: You understand what I'm saying. 327 00:19:26,235 --> 00:19:28,315 Speaker 1: How can we as a parent, what might we do 328 00:19:28,356 --> 00:19:30,755 Speaker 1: if we know, oh, our kid is dating someone and 329 00:19:30,796 --> 00:19:32,236 Speaker 1: that person is not good for my kid. 330 00:19:32,436 --> 00:19:35,075 Speaker 3: Yeah. This is actually one of the areas where I 331 00:19:35,156 --> 00:19:39,716 Speaker 3: have received some of the greatest critique in my teaching, 332 00:19:39,836 --> 00:19:43,235 Speaker 3: because I have long taught that it's really important to 333 00:19:43,275 --> 00:19:46,996 Speaker 3: talk to your kids ahead of time about the kind 334 00:19:47,035 --> 00:19:50,756 Speaker 3: of person they're looking for. And as I rewrote the book, 335 00:19:51,596 --> 00:19:54,796 Speaker 3: we considered that this is where I've been criticized greatly, 336 00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:58,715 Speaker 3: and so I went to two places. First, I did 337 00:19:58,796 --> 00:20:03,515 Speaker 3: go to social science, and there's a great researcher who's 338 00:20:03,876 --> 00:20:07,036 Speaker 3: developed the concept of sliding versus deciding, and he's done 339 00:20:07,035 --> 00:20:12,555 Speaker 3: some long term studies in that individuals who decide ahead 340 00:20:12,556 --> 00:20:16,475 Speaker 3: of time how they were perform academically, how they will 341 00:20:17,156 --> 00:20:21,115 Speaker 3: what they will pursue as in a sports career, what 342 00:20:21,196 --> 00:20:24,995 Speaker 3: they will pursue as a life career, and how they 343 00:20:24,995 --> 00:20:29,116 Speaker 3: will pursue relationships. Those people, over long term studies, especially 344 00:20:29,196 --> 00:20:32,196 Speaker 3: in the marriage relationship, they tend to end up in 345 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,556 Speaker 3: a healthier space. 346 00:20:34,356 --> 00:20:34,796 Speaker 2: Interesting. 347 00:20:35,116 --> 00:20:39,756 Speaker 3: The people that don't do that slide into whatever relationships 348 00:20:40,515 --> 00:20:43,755 Speaker 3: are in front of them. And the historic pattern for 349 00:20:45,356 --> 00:20:51,116 Speaker 3: our culture has been to be attracted, get married, then 350 00:20:51,156 --> 00:20:55,916 Speaker 3: live together, then have babies. And the people that decide 351 00:20:56,316 --> 00:20:59,116 Speaker 3: tend to follow that pattern. But the people that slide 352 00:20:59,396 --> 00:21:03,355 Speaker 3: tend to reverse the pattern. Either they are living together 353 00:21:03,556 --> 00:21:07,355 Speaker 3: or they're having babies and then maybe getting married. And 354 00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:10,876 Speaker 3: so there's good social science to tell us that it's 355 00:21:10,995 --> 00:21:13,715 Speaker 3: really wise for us to talk to our kids about 356 00:21:13,755 --> 00:21:17,475 Speaker 3: being decisive about relationships. And so one of the things 357 00:21:17,475 --> 00:21:20,995 Speaker 3: that my husband did when we're really young, our kids 358 00:21:21,076 --> 00:21:23,475 Speaker 3: we would tell him very well, and he would tell 359 00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:25,756 Speaker 3: he would be like, oh, man, your mom just made 360 00:21:25,796 --> 00:21:28,515 Speaker 3: the best pot pot roast ever. You guys, your mom's 361 00:21:28,556 --> 00:21:31,076 Speaker 3: a great cook. Mary, Well, make sure you pick someone 362 00:21:31,116 --> 00:21:32,715 Speaker 3: who can marry well. And then he'd make a joke 363 00:21:32,755 --> 00:21:34,555 Speaker 3: about how he wished he was a better mechanic or 364 00:21:34,596 --> 00:21:39,075 Speaker 3: something like that. You know, it's real, they were. 365 00:21:38,955 --> 00:21:40,596 Speaker 1: Young, real, that's real. 366 00:21:40,955 --> 00:21:45,916 Speaker 3: Yes, But then I think the other thing is Cut's 367 00:21:45,995 --> 00:21:49,036 Speaker 3: word tells us not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. 368 00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:54,235 Speaker 3: And that picture there is of two oxen in a yoke, 369 00:21:54,475 --> 00:21:57,715 Speaker 3: and when they were unequally yoked, they tended to walk 370 00:21:57,755 --> 00:22:00,755 Speaker 3: in circles, and they often would hurt each other one 371 00:22:00,836 --> 00:22:03,795 Speaker 3: the stronger one would often hurt the weaker one. And 372 00:22:03,836 --> 00:22:07,676 Speaker 3: so the picture there is that you're gonna get hurt 373 00:22:07,955 --> 00:22:12,156 Speaker 3: in an unequal yoke. And yet Jesus says, be yoked 374 00:22:12,196 --> 00:22:15,676 Speaker 3: to me, and we are definitely unequally yoked in that yoke. Right. 375 00:22:16,596 --> 00:22:19,755 Speaker 3: He is stronger, but he walks slowly and safely for us, 376 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:22,436 Speaker 3: so we don't get hurt. He doesn't make it easy. 377 00:22:22,636 --> 00:22:25,955 Speaker 3: It makes it easy for us. So you take that 378 00:22:26,035 --> 00:22:28,876 Speaker 3: scripture and you take the social science, and I think 379 00:22:28,916 --> 00:22:32,955 Speaker 3: as parents we have a great responsibility to talk to 380 00:22:33,035 --> 00:22:37,156 Speaker 3: our children ahead of time about what that person is 381 00:22:37,235 --> 00:22:40,156 Speaker 3: like that they're going to marry. And we can we 382 00:22:40,196 --> 00:22:42,196 Speaker 3: can just say, okay, they have to be Christians, they 383 00:22:42,196 --> 00:22:44,436 Speaker 3: have to be really going for God. But the reality 384 00:22:44,556 --> 00:22:47,676 Speaker 3: is every ten year old girl has an idea of 385 00:22:47,715 --> 00:22:51,275 Speaker 3: what kind of guy she's It's okay to talk about that. 386 00:22:51,755 --> 00:22:51,996 Speaker 2: It does. 387 00:22:52,076 --> 00:22:54,315 Speaker 3: It's okay if like my husband was supposed to be 388 00:22:54,356 --> 00:22:57,316 Speaker 3: a blonde hair to blue eye, he was not either 389 00:22:57,356 --> 00:22:59,356 Speaker 3: of those things. But my mom talked to me about 390 00:22:59,356 --> 00:23:03,356 Speaker 3: those things. And then when I was in relationships that 391 00:23:03,995 --> 00:23:09,036 Speaker 3: weren't great, she would say, I don't see that person 392 00:23:09,436 --> 00:23:12,555 Speaker 3: leading you gently the way that I would like to 393 00:23:12,596 --> 00:23:14,755 Speaker 3: see you led. She was, she was. She was really 394 00:23:14,796 --> 00:23:18,356 Speaker 3: good about talking to me about it, not lecturing me 395 00:23:18,396 --> 00:23:18,755 Speaker 3: about it. 396 00:23:18,995 --> 00:23:20,955 Speaker 2: I guess that you know that. 397 00:23:21,636 --> 00:23:24,275 Speaker 1: It's so true with my kids are now twenty one, 398 00:23:24,475 --> 00:23:28,796 Speaker 1: nineteen sixteen, and we basically you know, throughout it would 399 00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:31,235 Speaker 1: would talk about like, you know, what kind of person, 400 00:23:31,356 --> 00:23:33,995 Speaker 1: what kind of person are you looking for? You would 401 00:23:33,995 --> 00:23:37,676 Speaker 1: want to kind of you know? And not that, oh 402 00:23:37,755 --> 00:23:39,596 Speaker 1: you dated that person, now you have to marry them, 403 00:23:39,636 --> 00:23:41,595 Speaker 1: Not like that at all, but like the kind of 404 00:23:41,715 --> 00:23:44,676 Speaker 1: person you would ask out or you would accept a 405 00:23:44,755 --> 00:23:48,116 Speaker 1: date from, is the kind of person you'd be interested 406 00:23:48,196 --> 00:23:51,836 Speaker 1: in getting to know better that could potentially be this person. 407 00:23:51,876 --> 00:23:53,316 Speaker 1: So if you know you have all these red flags, 408 00:23:53,316 --> 00:23:55,156 Speaker 1: obviously you know this is not person I should even 409 00:23:55,156 --> 00:23:57,396 Speaker 1: go out with and one of the things we've talked 410 00:23:57,396 --> 00:23:59,715 Speaker 1: about is if all of us do not like the person, 411 00:24:00,596 --> 00:24:02,595 Speaker 1: like all the siblings don't like the person, we as 412 00:24:02,636 --> 00:24:04,555 Speaker 1: the parents don't like the person. We've kind of all 413 00:24:04,596 --> 00:24:07,275 Speaker 1: decided then there must really be something wrong with this person, 414 00:24:07,316 --> 00:24:10,356 Speaker 1: because all of us you know, I like pretty much everyone. 415 00:24:10,876 --> 00:24:12,436 Speaker 2: But the joke is if. 416 00:24:12,396 --> 00:24:16,396 Speaker 1: Mom doesn't like them, there's probably, like, really something wrong. 417 00:24:16,196 --> 00:24:16,916 Speaker 2: With this person. 418 00:24:17,755 --> 00:24:21,036 Speaker 1: So, you know, having those conversations before, and because we've 419 00:24:21,076 --> 00:24:23,636 Speaker 1: talked about at nauseum that in the moment you were 420 00:24:23,676 --> 00:24:26,196 Speaker 1: going to be so head over heels you were not 421 00:24:26,275 --> 00:24:29,035 Speaker 1: going to see anything wrong about this person. You were 422 00:24:29,196 --> 00:24:31,876 Speaker 1: You're not gonna be able to see straight for days, months, years, 423 00:24:31,916 --> 00:24:34,795 Speaker 1: And that's great. That's how you're supposed to feel. We 424 00:24:34,876 --> 00:24:37,876 Speaker 1: would be worried if you were not walking on sunshine. 425 00:24:37,515 --> 00:24:40,716 Speaker 1: And while you're in that state, you know you can 426 00:24:40,796 --> 00:24:45,796 Speaker 1: lean on trusted friends, trusted family members to let you know, hey, 427 00:24:45,916 --> 00:24:48,235 Speaker 1: just be open, be open. If there's a caution that 428 00:24:48,636 --> 00:24:49,356 Speaker 1: we would give it. 429 00:24:49,515 --> 00:24:52,956 Speaker 3: I actually tell adults who are dating, young adults who 430 00:24:52,955 --> 00:24:56,396 Speaker 3: are dating not to make any serious commitments for six months. 431 00:24:56,436 --> 00:24:59,475 Speaker 3: And here's why. What you're talking about is the rose 432 00:24:59,475 --> 00:25:03,596 Speaker 3: colored glasses, right, and the rose colored glasses is actually oxytocin, 433 00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:07,036 Speaker 3: which is created by skinned to skin contact. But research 434 00:25:07,076 --> 00:25:10,235 Speaker 3: has discovered that in the first three to six months 435 00:25:10,235 --> 00:25:14,075 Speaker 3: of a dating relationship, without physical contact, you make this 436 00:25:14,196 --> 00:25:18,475 Speaker 3: low level, constant drip of oxytocin that makes you see 437 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:22,596 Speaker 3: that per without all their flaws. And so the advice 438 00:25:22,755 --> 00:25:26,275 Speaker 3: from people who love and trust you and you trust 439 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:28,596 Speaker 3: it's invaluable. 440 00:25:28,916 --> 00:25:33,916 Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, what if we haven't had these conversations with 441 00:25:33,955 --> 00:25:36,475 Speaker 1: your young kids and now we're talking to an eighteen 442 00:25:36,556 --> 00:25:37,556 Speaker 1: year old that's like, but. 443 00:25:37,596 --> 00:25:40,715 Speaker 2: I love him, daddy, Yeah, what do we say? 444 00:25:40,755 --> 00:25:41,515 Speaker 1: What might we do? 445 00:25:42,556 --> 00:25:46,156 Speaker 3: Yeah? You know what, it's so easy in the moment 446 00:25:46,356 --> 00:25:49,396 Speaker 3: to say the easy things and be like, I don't 447 00:25:49,436 --> 00:25:53,035 Speaker 3: want to disrupt this. I don't want to disrupt my 448 00:25:53,156 --> 00:25:56,676 Speaker 3: relationship with this child who's a young adult. But you know, 449 00:25:57,715 --> 00:26:01,436 Speaker 3: my son was interested in dating someone that we did 450 00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:04,436 Speaker 3: not think would be an equal yoke for him when 451 00:26:04,436 --> 00:26:06,876 Speaker 3: he was in college. And I remember going to Bob 452 00:26:06,916 --> 00:26:11,356 Speaker 3: and just saying, don't cut our son off. Don't because 453 00:26:11,396 --> 00:26:13,516 Speaker 3: he's like, I'm not going to. I believe this so 454 00:26:13,556 --> 00:26:16,436 Speaker 3: strongly that if he's going to make this decision. He's 455 00:26:16,436 --> 00:26:18,835 Speaker 3: going to have to be financially dependent and I'm not 456 00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,436 Speaker 3: going to pay for his college. And I was like, 457 00:26:20,475 --> 00:26:23,035 Speaker 3: you're going to ruin our relationship with our son forever. 458 00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:25,955 Speaker 3: He's going to hate us. And he was like, I'm 459 00:26:25,955 --> 00:26:28,636 Speaker 3: not going to be threatening. I'm just going to reason 460 00:26:28,676 --> 00:26:32,475 Speaker 3: with him and say, listen, if you are still a dependent, 461 00:26:32,676 --> 00:26:35,436 Speaker 3: you still need to listen to my advice. And my 462 00:26:35,515 --> 00:26:38,076 Speaker 3: advice for now is not that you can never date 463 00:26:38,116 --> 00:26:41,196 Speaker 3: this person. Is that right now this would not be 464 00:26:41,275 --> 00:26:43,916 Speaker 3: good for either of you. And he had some reasons 465 00:26:43,916 --> 00:26:49,676 Speaker 3: why it wasn't good for her, and my son said, okay, 466 00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:51,396 Speaker 3: I'm going to think about it, dad, And I just 467 00:26:51,436 --> 00:26:54,036 Speaker 3: thought for a week. I waited on pins and needles, 468 00:26:54,116 --> 00:26:56,836 Speaker 3: like am I never going to have my son over 469 00:26:56,836 --> 00:26:59,836 Speaker 3: to my house again? And a week later or so, 470 00:27:00,636 --> 00:27:03,955 Speaker 3: my husband asked him, you know what have you decided 471 00:27:03,955 --> 00:27:08,436 Speaker 3: about that? He goes, well, Dad, you told me to wait. 472 00:27:09,316 --> 00:27:12,676 Speaker 3: Of course I'm not pursuing it. I respect your wisdom 473 00:27:13,156 --> 00:27:16,156 Speaker 3: and and you know, it worked out that the Lord 474 00:27:16,196 --> 00:27:19,556 Speaker 3: brought somebody perfect into her life and someone perfect into 475 00:27:19,596 --> 00:27:23,196 Speaker 3: Robbie's life, and they both matured and grew closer to 476 00:27:23,275 --> 00:27:27,156 Speaker 3: Christ through that. Yes, but at that time it wasn't 477 00:27:27,156 --> 00:27:32,076 Speaker 3: a good match spiritually. And I would just say, if 478 00:27:32,076 --> 00:27:36,475 Speaker 3: you are afraid of that the way that I was, 479 00:27:37,475 --> 00:27:39,436 Speaker 3: I don't know that I was really trusting the Lord 480 00:27:39,475 --> 00:27:43,196 Speaker 3: in it. And I think those are the points where 481 00:27:43,196 --> 00:27:45,516 Speaker 3: the rubber meets the road for us as parents, when 482 00:27:45,556 --> 00:27:50,356 Speaker 3: we really do parent and we're not just friending our kids, 483 00:27:50,436 --> 00:27:52,916 Speaker 3: but we're parenting them and it's painful and it's hard, 484 00:27:53,436 --> 00:27:55,715 Speaker 3: but we could trust God so good. 485 00:27:55,755 --> 00:27:59,076 Speaker 2: I'm so glad you gave that example. That is really helpful. 486 00:27:59,275 --> 00:28:02,715 Speaker 1: Last question, give us some tips for helping our girls 487 00:28:03,436 --> 00:28:06,916 Speaker 1: have dignity. How can we make that like attractive to girls? 488 00:28:07,556 --> 00:28:10,755 Speaker 1: Talk about being modest, all those things in an attractive, 489 00:28:10,836 --> 00:28:12,075 Speaker 1: winsome way to our girls. 490 00:28:12,275 --> 00:28:16,156 Speaker 3: Yeah. Again, the why is so important, right because if 491 00:28:16,156 --> 00:28:18,916 Speaker 3: you look in scripture, it says, hey, don't be consumed 492 00:28:19,235 --> 00:28:23,916 Speaker 3: with fancy hairstyles, gold jewelry, or fine clothes, but instead, 493 00:28:24,196 --> 00:28:27,876 Speaker 3: you know, be consumed with the inner beauty of a 494 00:28:27,916 --> 00:28:30,676 Speaker 3: gentle and quiet spirit, which is a great worth in 495 00:28:30,715 --> 00:28:34,515 Speaker 3: God's sight. And the scriptures also tell us that what 496 00:28:34,556 --> 00:28:37,396 Speaker 3: we should be wearing is not our external adornment, but 497 00:28:37,436 --> 00:28:41,115 Speaker 3: the good works that showcase the gospel. So the reason 498 00:28:41,196 --> 00:28:44,356 Speaker 3: we show up with dignity, well, first and foremost, it's 499 00:28:44,396 --> 00:28:48,516 Speaker 3: not because showing up creates the dignity. The dignity exists 500 00:28:48,556 --> 00:28:52,116 Speaker 3: because we're image bearers of God. Period. So no matter 501 00:28:52,156 --> 00:28:54,716 Speaker 3: how we show up in this world, each human being 502 00:28:54,796 --> 00:28:57,516 Speaker 3: has dignity. But we get to make the choice to 503 00:28:57,596 --> 00:29:02,315 Speaker 3: show up believing that. And when we show up believing that, 504 00:29:02,556 --> 00:29:04,756 Speaker 3: it does change the way we talk in a room, 505 00:29:04,956 --> 00:29:08,876 Speaker 3: it changes the way we dress, it changes the way 506 00:29:08,916 --> 00:29:13,116 Speaker 3: we act and behave. And we want to teach as women. 507 00:29:13,196 --> 00:29:16,075 Speaker 3: Of course, men should be teaching their boys how to 508 00:29:16,116 --> 00:29:18,596 Speaker 3: do that. As men and moms, we have a role 509 00:29:18,636 --> 00:29:21,476 Speaker 3: in that too. But I'm not a guy, so I 510 00:29:21,516 --> 00:29:27,396 Speaker 3: have a unique ability and assignment with my daughter to say, listen, 511 00:29:27,436 --> 00:29:31,556 Speaker 3: this is how we dress so that we have dignity, 512 00:29:31,596 --> 00:29:34,116 Speaker 3: This is how we talk so that we have dignity. 513 00:29:34,796 --> 00:29:38,436 Speaker 3: And I think the big thing is this. You know, again, 514 00:29:38,556 --> 00:29:42,196 Speaker 3: this is an area where I've been criticized for teaching 515 00:29:43,396 --> 00:29:46,436 Speaker 3: about modesty. But modesty is a word in the scripture. 516 00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:48,596 Speaker 3: So it's not a word that I'm going to shy 517 00:29:48,636 --> 00:29:50,596 Speaker 3: away from. But I'm going to figure out I've seen 518 00:29:50,636 --> 00:29:53,236 Speaker 3: it treated with great legalism, and I know that that 519 00:29:53,276 --> 00:29:56,916 Speaker 3: can do damage. But I also see that when we 520 00:29:57,236 --> 00:30:04,595 Speaker 3: dress appropriately, it allows the Gospel and the clothing of 521 00:30:04,716 --> 00:30:08,036 Speaker 3: Christ on us to be visible. And I really think 522 00:30:08,116 --> 00:30:13,556 Speaker 3: the sin of dressing carelessly is not It is that 523 00:30:13,596 --> 00:30:15,556 Speaker 3: we're saying, look at me instead of look at God. 524 00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:19,676 Speaker 3: And so you know what, I like sequin, I like 525 00:30:20,436 --> 00:30:23,716 Speaker 3: a fancy dress now, and then I mean, I just 526 00:30:23,836 --> 00:30:27,076 Speaker 3: I think swimsuits are totally appropriate to wear when you're in. 527 00:30:27,036 --> 00:30:28,956 Speaker 2: The water, on the beach whatever. 528 00:30:29,236 --> 00:30:32,516 Speaker 3: I'm not a prude, and I'm not saying that we 529 00:30:32,556 --> 00:30:36,075 Speaker 3: should dress in a way that over objectifies the female body. 530 00:30:36,516 --> 00:30:38,516 Speaker 3: But I do think that we should dress in such 531 00:30:38,556 --> 00:30:41,396 Speaker 3: a ways when we show up in a room, our 532 00:30:41,436 --> 00:30:45,956 Speaker 3: girls know that they're representing Jesus and that people are like, 533 00:30:46,036 --> 00:30:49,876 Speaker 3: what's so attractive about her? Ah, I don't think it's 534 00:30:49,956 --> 00:30:52,836 Speaker 3: just her cute sequin jacket. She seems to have the 535 00:30:52,916 --> 00:30:55,716 Speaker 3: quality of dignity, or the quality of kindness, or the 536 00:30:55,796 --> 00:30:58,556 Speaker 3: quality of self control about her, and they start to 537 00:30:58,556 --> 00:30:59,716 Speaker 3: see Jesus. 538 00:30:59,796 --> 00:31:02,876 Speaker 1: And that dignity, and knowing while I'm made in the 539 00:31:02,916 --> 00:31:05,036 Speaker 1: image of God, I'm not trying to prove anything, etc. 540 00:31:05,396 --> 00:31:07,836 Speaker 1: Helps our daughters say, Okay, I don't have to look 541 00:31:07,996 --> 00:31:11,476 Speaker 1: exactly like this Instagram person to show up here. I 542 00:31:11,556 --> 00:31:13,796 Speaker 1: can choose to look a different way if I want to. 543 00:31:13,956 --> 00:31:15,356 Speaker 1: That's right, fantastic. 544 00:31:15,476 --> 00:31:18,315 Speaker 2: I love that, Dana. 545 00:31:18,356 --> 00:31:20,595 Speaker 1: How can people We'll find out more about you and 546 00:31:20,756 --> 00:31:21,476 Speaker 1: your book. 547 00:31:22,156 --> 00:31:26,876 Speaker 3: Well, danagrash dot com, ormtruegirl dot com. We have lots 548 00:31:26,916 --> 00:31:31,315 Speaker 3: of links and interesting podcasts and articles and things that 549 00:31:31,316 --> 00:31:34,355 Speaker 3: they are available also for moms, but really women of 550 00:31:34,396 --> 00:31:34,916 Speaker 3: all ages. 551 00:31:35,956 --> 00:31:37,836 Speaker 1: This has been such a joy. Thank you for coming 552 00:31:37,876 --> 00:31:40,596 Speaker 1: and tackling these tough topics. And every time you said 553 00:31:40,996 --> 00:31:44,756 Speaker 1: I get criticism for this, we want my listeners and 554 00:31:44,836 --> 00:31:47,355 Speaker 1: I want to hug you for it and say thank 555 00:31:47,396 --> 00:31:50,516 Speaker 1: you for being courageous enough to say things. Even nobody 556 00:31:50,556 --> 00:31:52,356 Speaker 1: likes to say things when they know they're going to 557 00:31:52,396 --> 00:31:54,595 Speaker 1: be criticized for them, right, And a lot of people 558 00:31:54,996 --> 00:31:58,036 Speaker 1: would just be like, let someone else talk about this then, 559 00:31:58,476 --> 00:32:01,676 Speaker 1: but you have never done that. You have always spoken 560 00:32:02,076 --> 00:32:05,516 Speaker 1: your heart, wanting the gospel to go out, wanting to 561 00:32:05,516 --> 00:32:08,076 Speaker 1: touch girls and moms and help them. 562 00:32:08,196 --> 00:32:09,996 Speaker 2: And we are very very grateful. 563 00:32:10,076 --> 00:32:12,716 Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Thank you friend, thank you for 564 00:32:12,756 --> 00:32:14,356 Speaker 3: that courage. 565 00:32:15,156 --> 00:32:18,476 Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed Today's conversation. I'd love to keep 566 00:32:18,476 --> 00:32:22,156 Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show 567 00:32:22,196 --> 00:32:24,796 Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to 568 00:32:24,876 --> 00:32:28,115 Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. 569 00:32:28,596 --> 00:32:30,396 Speaker 2: And maybe you like reading. 570 00:32:30,236 --> 00:32:32,596 Speaker 1: Or listening to books. I have a lot of books. 571 00:32:32,676 --> 00:32:34,196 Speaker 2: You could start with The Big. 572 00:32:33,996 --> 00:32:39,796 Speaker 1: Three, Making Marriage Easier, Parents Rising, or Screen Kids. A 573 00:32:39,796 --> 00:32:41,956 Speaker 1: big thank you to the team at Life Audio for 574 00:32:42,036 --> 00:32:45,836 Speaker 1: their partnership with the Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio 575 00:32:45,916 --> 00:32:49,835 Speaker 1: dot com for dozens of other faith related podcasts about prayer, 576 00:32:50,156 --> 00:32:51,276 Speaker 1: Bible study. 577 00:32:50,996 --> 00:32:51,436 Speaker 3: And more. 578 00:32:52,076 --> 00:32:54,996 Speaker 1: Remember you don't have to come from a happy home 579 00:32:55,116 --> 00:32:56,036 Speaker 1: to create one. 580 00:32:56,356 --> 00:32:58,436 Speaker 2: You too, can have a happy home.