WEBVTT - Resolving Couple Conflicts with Alison Armstrong 0:00:02.680 --> 0:00:07.040 Life audio on today's episode of Timeless Wisdom. 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:12.880 It has been a major, major honor and delight to 0:00:12.960 --> 0:00:17.480 have the most regular guest in Praguer Show history, Alison Arstral. 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:26.560 In fact, Allison was in high school when we first met. 0:00:29.680 --> 0:00:31.080 It sort of feels that way. 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:36.120 That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Welcome 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:40.440 to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of hours 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:43.800 of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs had to 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:51.120 purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. Go to Dennisprager dot com. 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:53.880 Hi, everybody, Welcome to the Male Female Hour on the 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:57.080 Dennis Prager Show every Wednesday, the second hour. I think 0:00:57.160 --> 0:01:00.640 it's the most honest talk about men and women in 0:01:00.720 --> 0:01:04.160 the media. And as I always remind people, one of 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:08.360 the reasons is I am happy and prepared to talk 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:12.880 about just about anything. And because I am neither a 0:01:13.120 --> 0:01:20.080 male fan nor a female fan. The number of wonderful 0:01:20.360 --> 0:01:24.600 men and wonderful women is about equal, and the number 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:31.120 of bad seeds in both sexes are also about equal. 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:35.080 They each have to fight their natures, et cetera, et cetera. 0:01:36.920 --> 0:01:40.480 For so many years now, she will remember the number 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:49.680 of years. I don't it has been. It has been. 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:57.880 It has been a major, major honor and delight to 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:02.480 have the most regular guest in Ragers show history, Alison Armstrong. 0:02:07.680 --> 0:02:11.560 In fact, Alison was in high school when we first met. 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:16.160 It sort of feels that way. 0:02:16.800 --> 0:02:20.160 It kind of it kind of does we This is 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:25.920 our twentieth years, is that right? January of two thousand 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:28.679 and four is when I was first time with you. 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.240 So in a nutshell, let me just say about Alison Armstrong. 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:40.839 Her story is very powerful. She wanted to understand men. 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:46.600 The number of women who want to understand men is 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:53.320 equal to the number I'll try to think of a 0:02:53.400 --> 0:03:00.320 truly absurd analogy to the number of submarines that also fly. 0:03:01.200 --> 0:03:06.679 Now that that's a little overstating it, but by the 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:10.040 you know, we actually we. I'm going to explore as 0:03:10.080 --> 0:03:11.720 always what you want to talk about. 0:03:12.360 --> 0:03:12.400 You. 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:16.600 You have free reign on my show. Allison comes on 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:21.400 every season, so four times a year. But it's it's 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:25.120 that I'd like to do that with you once. How 0:03:25.160 --> 0:03:32.640 many women really want to understand men and vice versa? 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:38.840 How many men want to understand women? But I think 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:43.400 that it's not completely symmetric because I think it's tougher 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:46.440 for women to understand men than it is for men 0:03:46.520 --> 0:03:50.400 to understand women, not because men are brighter, but because 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:55.440 we are more foreign to women than women are foreign 0:03:55.520 --> 0:03:59.600 to us. But anyway, okay, you have a topic in 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:01.320 my and take it away. 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:06.080 Alison Armstrong, Well, thank you for having me here. 0:04:06.240 --> 0:04:09.960 I'm really excited, and I apologize it was on me. 0:04:10.280 --> 0:04:14.600 I missed the first season ever in as long as 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:17.240 we've been doing seasons, So I'm sorry. People are like, 0:04:17.279 --> 0:04:21.080 where's the winter season? That was me and about four 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:22.159 hundred inches of snow. 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:23.400 Wow. 0:04:24.560 --> 0:04:27.440 Yeah, I'm still getting You're still living here in Steamboat 0:04:27.480 --> 0:04:30.599 Springs and we had one of the like second in 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:34.040 you know, the last thirty years record snow was I 0:04:34.080 --> 0:04:37.680 was buried, but I'm glad to hear. And what I 0:04:37.720 --> 0:04:41.640 want to talk about is conflict. And people have asked 0:04:41.640 --> 0:04:45.000 me about fighting and arguments, and so I'm just calling 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:48.800 it conflict. And there's a certain kind of conflict that 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:51.600 is most likely to have a fighting thing going on 0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:53.120 with it, and so that's one of the kinds I 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.520 want to talk about. And there's ones that we need 0:04:55.560 --> 0:05:00.920 to resolve early and well or deep trouble for decades. 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.480 And then there's things that we could be good if 0:05:04.480 --> 0:05:07.560 we honored or let go one of the. 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:10.760 Other, not just let it so, all right, so let 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:12.600 me let me summarize where we're at. There were three 0:05:12.680 --> 0:05:14.440 types of conflicts you're saying. 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:16.760 Well, at least that I want to talk about. 0:05:16.920 --> 0:05:21.520 Yeah, right, okay. So one is the one that takes 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:25.440 place but can be you know, gotten rid of, so 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:27.920 to speak. The one that is deep seated and needs 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.560 to be confronted. And what was the third one? 0:05:30.600 --> 0:05:35.560 Again, it's the one that causes fighting and it needs 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:36.520 to be transformed. 0:05:36.560 --> 0:05:39.240 Actually, wait, so well, how does that differ from one 0:05:39.360 --> 0:05:41.479 or two? Numbers one or two? 0:05:42.400 --> 0:05:46.440 Okay, so look at it this way. Values and we'll 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:49.640 talk about that. Values is the big one you got 0:05:49.680 --> 0:05:51.320 to confront early because it doesn't go. 0:05:51.400 --> 0:05:52.600 Weat that's a good one. 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:57.800 Second one is expectations, which if they're not transformed, you 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:00.560 will have the nastiest you should have you should have 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:06.240 kind of fights. And the thirdest preferences just what it's 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:09.479 like to having things the way we like it to beach, 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:13.000 So honor them or let go of them. 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:14.279 Those would be the three. 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:15.559 Okay, take it away. 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:18.680 Oh wow, Well which one do you want me to 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:19.039 start with? 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:20.320 Your choice? 0:06:21.920 --> 0:06:25.599 Okay, Well let's start with preferences, because that's the it's 0:06:25.640 --> 0:06:27.880 the lightest one, but it also. 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:29.839 Can create such amazing moments. 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:35.520 So the definition of like is to prefer. So our 0:06:35.560 --> 0:06:36.560 preferences are. 0:06:36.400 --> 0:06:39.000 The ways that we like it. Right, It's the kind 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:40.279 of ice cream we like. 0:06:40.480 --> 0:06:44.560 It's how tidy our homes are. It's how we season 0:06:45.040 --> 0:06:50.040 our food. And is it hot hot or just off 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:52.480 hot or who cares what temperature it is? Right, there's 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:56.000 these things that just are preferences. But when push comes 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:56.920 to shove. 0:06:56.640 --> 0:07:00.880 Of you live with what you have to live with, and. 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:04.000 When someone has a strong preference, if we can honor 0:07:04.040 --> 0:07:07.719 it without sacrificing ourselves, and it just creates a kind 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:12.000 of sweetness. It's just it just can be really really 0:07:12.040 --> 0:07:17.120 sweet if it's appreciated. People who take their preferences being 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:19.320 catered to for granted. 0:07:20.360 --> 0:07:22.760 Doesn't create sweetness. It can create resentment. 0:07:23.280 --> 0:07:27.280 So let me give you. I love this because I 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:31.640 love systematic thought, which you're great at. So, just in 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.480 a nutshell, I have said this on a number of occasions. 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:40.520 My take on preferences with my wife is I let's 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:44.600 say the classic one or a classic which restaurant to 0:07:44.680 --> 0:07:51.440 have dinner at? My so my view on that or 0:07:51.480 --> 0:07:57.640 in fact, just about anything, leaving values aside obvious, is 0:07:58.200 --> 0:08:02.040 the one who is more passionate about it should win. 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:07.880 Yeah, that's pretty much we're saying the same thing. 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:11.760 I thought we might be, and not win at. 0:08:11.600 --> 0:08:14.280 The other person self sacrifice because I am yeah, no. 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:18.040 No, exactly. Look, if she wants restaurant X and I 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:22.240 want restaurant, why I will go to restaurant X because 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:25.520 it matters more to her. I'm okay with X. 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:27.640 Yes. 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:30.440 And one of the things that women don't understand a 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.360 lot of them think are like they have said, why 0:08:33.400 --> 0:08:36.760 do I always have to pick the restaurant? And I said, well, 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.839 because he wants you to be happy, so he wants 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:42.040 you to pick the restaurant that you'll be happy at. 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:44.760 And then as women, we talk about but we can't 0:08:44.800 --> 0:08:47.199 be happy if you're not happy. So when we pick 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:51.400 a restaurant, it's from the list of restaurants that are 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:52.600 acceptable to you. 0:08:54.760 --> 0:08:57.200 By the way, I just want to say, this is 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:01.880 what drives men crazy. Guy, This is awesome. This is 0:09:01.960 --> 0:09:07.160 really a great moment. So she is annoyed that he 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:10.040 is saying, you know what, let's go to the one 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:14.439 you want right right, So he's thinking, wait a minute, 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:18.960 why isn't that nice of me? Why isn't that even chivalrous? 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:25.559 I can tell you what, because she can't actually enjoy 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:30.520 even her favorite restaurant if the man she's with it 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:35.640 seems at all irritated, like my husband, which it's almost 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:39.880 been four years, Dennis, since Greg died, which is crazy. 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:41.560 I know, I know, I know. 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:49.680 But Greg had such strong opinions about how fast you 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:54.000 get seated, how fast you get served, like I mean, 0:09:54.040 --> 0:09:57.800 he had such intensity about restaurants that I couldn't go 0:09:57.880 --> 0:10:02.120 to my favorite plasis. I would go there without him 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:05.000 because he didn't like one of those things so much 0:10:05.480 --> 0:10:07.040 that I couldn't intervene. 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:11.200 There because you knew, you knew how he felt, not. 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:11.880 Just knew it. 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:15.880 I can feel it, really feel the agitation in each 0:10:15.880 --> 0:10:18.880 other's I mean, shoot, heart, mess says, we can hear 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:19.720 you know what. 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:25.120 So here's here's another prayer rule. Yeah, minimize the number 0:10:25.120 --> 0:10:26.560 of things that agitate you. 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.680 Oh yes, please exactly. 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:39.800 It takes a lot to agitate me. I know. All right, 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:41.800 we'll be back at the moment. This is This is 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.240 more fun than almost anything in life. Maybe a roller 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:49.600 coaster is better, but not much, Alison Armstrong, and I'll 0:10:49.600 --> 0:10:52.440 tell you how to get in touch with her. 0:10:55.360 --> 0:10:58.640 This episode of timeless wisdom will continue right after this. 0:11:04.200 --> 0:11:10.480 Now back to more of Dennis Gregor's timeless wisdom. 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:17.520 They you are, you are, my dear friends. I am 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:24.360 with the inimitable, but not inscrutable. That is important, ye, 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:29.360 Allison Armstrong, with whom, as you can tell, I have 0:11:29.440 --> 0:11:34.440 what is known as chemistry. It's a right. Isn't that 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.479 fair to say we have we have chemistry? 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:40.680 I would say we have resonance. 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:44.000 As opposed to chemistry or in addition. 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:48.079 Well, chemistry literally is chemical. 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:52.520 It's it's a cocktail of testosterone and epinephrine. 0:11:52.720 --> 0:11:56.240 I would say residence. It's a spiritual connection, fair enough, 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:57.840 it's a recognition. 0:11:57.440 --> 0:12:01.360 It's a and it's even an amplify. 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:06.200 Well, I'll put it in really vernacular terms. Because you 0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:09.400 will like this. I think you will like this. I 0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:13.560 shouldn't say you will, I think you will. So we 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:14.720 enjoy each other. 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:17.160 Yes, that's the word I was thinking. 0:12:17.400 --> 0:12:20.839 Yes, so this is what you will like. I think 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:26.520 I when I meet young couples, I don't ask them 0:12:26.520 --> 0:12:30.960 do you love each other? It's a useless question. I 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:33.400 ask them, do you enjoy each other? 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:39.640 Oh? Very good? Yes, yeah? And do you like like? 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:42.520 Oh? Like I have. I'm writing a piece my three 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:45.520 favorite verbs, and like is one of them. 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:48.160 Yes, I like you, and what I like about you 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:54.240 is important. And there's three respect, admiration, and affinity. Liking 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:56.560 those three, respect, admiration, and like. 0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:59.480 Love is so easy, that's right. 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:03.319 And the best example in that, in my opinion, is 0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:06.720 a lot of parents. Almost every parent loves their child, 0:13:06.880 --> 0:13:09.160 but a lot of parents don't like their child. 0:13:10.960 --> 0:13:13.800 Yeah, and the child knows it and they just want 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:15.760 to be adore to bring the moment. 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:17.760 Dary, Oh, yeah, well you're thinking of little kids. I'm 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:19.040 thinking of grown children. 0:13:20.840 --> 0:13:22.280 I would say that it's the same. 0:13:22.600 --> 0:13:25.240 Oh it is, yeah, well, a lot of kids, a 0:13:25.280 --> 0:13:30.080 lot of people. I support the parents. I thank god 0:13:30.120 --> 0:13:32.959 it's not my situation. I like and love my sons. 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:36.680 But but I I'm telling you it's a tough anyway. 0:13:36.800 --> 0:13:40.480 Let's go back to your great theme here. So uh so, 0:13:40.720 --> 0:13:44.720 we're talking about three types of conflicts that could arise one. 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:49.640 The first one is over preferences, Yes, okay, So do 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:51.280 you want to move on or do you want to 0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:56.079 continue on preferences? Yeah, okay, like a. 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.200 Two hour version of this in a couple of weeks. 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:04.360 So I want to get people started, okay. And so 0:14:04.440 --> 0:14:09.959 the other one, let's talk about expectations because it's wicked. 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:17.120 So you can tell something as an expectation because. 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:18.800 The word should will be involved. 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:24.760 There's a sense of entitlement, like I've already done everything 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:27.280 I should have had to do in order to get 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:31.120 this from you, and it should already happen. I've already 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:37.160 earned it. What the heck? Everybody knows this, it's obvious. 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:41.600 So there's a lot of intensity about it. There's often 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:49.520 anywhere from disappointment to fury expectations not being met, and 0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:55.280 they're usually not communicated ahead of time. You find out 0:14:55.400 --> 0:14:59.360 someone had an expectation when you failed to meet it 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:04.120 or when you exceed it, and they gush. And one 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:09.280 of the worst things about expectations is that they're compound. 0:15:10.000 --> 0:15:14.280 So not only do I have expectations of you, but 0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:18.600 I actually have expectations of you that I think you're 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:20.760 expecting of me, and I'm trying to live up to 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:25.200 your expectations without even finding out what they are. And 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:29.840 then the other thing is they're like bunny rabbits. Expectations 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:35.920 breed more expectations. Whether it's met or betrayed. Yeah, whether 0:15:35.960 --> 0:15:41.360 it's met or betrayed, it'll create. Yeah, like one expectation. 0:15:41.680 --> 0:15:45.560 One thing that happens with women is if you if 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:50.080 we're disappointed you fail to meet my expectation. We think 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:53.880 if I make sure you know how terribly upset I 0:15:53.880 --> 0:15:57.680 am about it, then you will double down and work 0:15:57.840 --> 0:16:01.720 extra hard to meet that expectation. And a woman thinks 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.360 a man will do that because that's what a woman 0:16:03.440 --> 0:16:06.080 will do, because we don't want you to be upset 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:08.160 when we don't meet your expectations. There's a lot of 0:16:08.160 --> 0:16:12.920 fear in it. But men only work harder to not 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:16.760 upset someone that they feel dependent upon if they don't 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:19.680 feel dependent upon that person. The person being upset is 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:23.440 like if how annoying? No, I'm not going to work harder, 0:16:23.600 --> 0:16:25.960 and why would I spend more energy on something that 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.400 I didn't get any points for even trying. 0:16:29.280 --> 0:16:33.400 So, but they're the things that people if people are so, why. 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:37.200 Is your recommendation that people minimize their expectations of the other. 0:16:38.520 --> 0:16:41.760 Well, what we do have to examine them. So the 0:16:41.800 --> 0:16:43.880 first thing is we have to notice we have a 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:49.440 should going on, right, and then check it out. Is 0:16:49.480 --> 0:16:55.000 this something that I expect that I actually really truly need. 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:57.080 Like there's a huge benefit to me getting it and. 0:16:57.120 --> 0:17:01.280 A huge cost to not getting it, because that changes entirely. 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.520 And it's actually the fourth thing that I wasn't planning 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:08.000 on talking about, you know, So conflict's over needs and. 0:17:09.359 --> 0:17:11.080 So examine it. Is it a need or not? 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:15.080 If it's not a need and you have this expectation, 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:18.800 then what can be amazing? You can transform it by 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.880 talking to a person about it. Find out if they're 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:26.679 willing to provide what it is that you wish they would, 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:31.320 and is there anything they need from you for them 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:34.720 to be willing to provide it, and is there anything 0:17:34.960 --> 0:17:37.159 even that they would need would they will be willing 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:41.560 to be count honorable for it. So if you transform 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:47.120 an expectation into an accountability account on ability, I'm willing 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:48.720 to be held to account. 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.720 For that, it can be amazing. 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:54.240 Like these are the can you give an example? 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:58.360 Yes I can. 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:04.760 So I'm highly scheduled when I'm working and I'm very 0:18:04.800 --> 0:18:08.320 punctual right, as trained by the radio show at Caroly 0:18:10.080 --> 0:18:14.600 can do any thirty seconds. And when Dan and I 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:18.040 were long distanc seeing each other, he was really punctual. 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:23.600 And then when I moved to Steamboat, he stopped being punctual. 0:18:24.240 --> 0:18:27.159 And my interpretation of it was, Oh, now that I 0:18:27.240 --> 0:18:28.800 live in your city, you're just going to take me 0:18:28.800 --> 0:18:29.400 for granted. 0:18:29.800 --> 0:18:32.359 Okay, Okay, that's good. We'll be back at a moment. 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:37.040 Alison Armstrong dot com correct one L and one s 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:38.240 Alison Armstrong. 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:43.800 This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. 0:18:49.320 --> 0:18:53.600 Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. 0:18:54.680 --> 0:19:00.840 With you when you. 0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:04.399 Hi, everybody, I'm Dennis Prager with the terrific Alison Armstrong 0:19:06.920 --> 0:19:11.120 and Alison Armstrong is contactable at Alison Armstrong dot com. 0:19:11.119 --> 0:19:15.520 One L one S. Talking about the sources of conflict 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:21.920 between men and women, and we went from preferences to expectations. 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:25.320 Yes, and I was in the middle of giving you 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:30.320 an example, right and okay about Dan and being punctual. 0:19:30.560 --> 0:19:33.040 And one of things that's important is that one of 0:19:33.040 --> 0:19:39.760 the ways that expectations can get created is by behavior. 0:19:40.560 --> 0:19:42.840 So we never talked about being on time. 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:48.239 He just was punctual, So I developed this expectation that 0:19:48.280 --> 0:19:51.119 he could be count honorable for being punctual. And then 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.000 when he changed right, I took it very personally. And 0:19:54.080 --> 0:19:57.040 of course it was because of how he felt about me, which. 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:02.760 Is what always and just how do you feel about me? 0:20:03.040 --> 0:20:04.560 All your behavior will follow. 0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:09.919 And what was so funny Dennis was when I finally 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:12.800 talked to him about it, because both men and women 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:17.000 will avoid conflict, one because men have an innate sense 0:20:17.000 --> 0:20:20.240 of how it can escalate and very badly, and women 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:23.280 because we're afraid of being displeasing or ruin a moment 0:20:23.680 --> 0:20:28.399 and a precious connection. And when I finally talked to 0:20:28.440 --> 0:20:35.360 him about it, he introduced ish, So three ish, and okay, I. 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:40.680 Can do the introduced ish. Oh that's a riot, yes, yes. 0:20:40.760 --> 0:20:43.840 And then but then what was so funny is I 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:47.280 poked around some more and I figured out, my if 0:20:47.320 --> 0:20:50.160 I tell you I'll be there three ish at three 0:20:50.160 --> 0:20:52.080 oh eight, I will apologize for being late. 0:20:54.040 --> 0:20:56.080 For him. This shocked me. 0:20:56.240 --> 0:21:02.080 His ish is within thirty minutes after or before? 0:21:04.920 --> 0:21:07.360 Do you not show up for a woman early? 0:21:08.160 --> 0:21:11.520 Oh my god, that's all right. Well, I don't think 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:15.760 you should show up early for anybody actually that yeah, no, no, no, 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:19.800 that's wrong. You should. I'm with you. I should show 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:22.920 up basically on the time you said you'd come. It's 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:27.960 or call yes, yes, if you call, your showing respect 0:21:28.000 --> 0:21:30.240 for the fact that you know you've taken their time. 0:21:31.160 --> 0:21:36.640 Being late is a form of theft, because you're stealing 0:21:36.680 --> 0:21:37.520 a person's time. 0:21:39.320 --> 0:21:40.359 Well, I learned to. 0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:43.080 Not be late because of all the things that makes 0:21:43.119 --> 0:21:46.720 another human being think and wonder and worry about am 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:49.200 I in the right place? Did I get the time wrong? 0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:50.800 Were they in a car accident? 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:51.439 Right? 0:21:51.560 --> 0:21:54.320 So I just come on times so that doesn't have 0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:55.280 to happen in their head. 0:21:56.200 --> 0:21:58.080 Okay, So those are You know what you need to 0:21:58.200 --> 0:22:01.480 you know what you need to do among your many 0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:07.280 many things. And I would sort of like to take 0:22:07.320 --> 0:22:14.280 this on my own as well. What since I believe 0:22:14.400 --> 0:22:17.679 deeply in minimizing expectations. I have a chapter on not 0:22:17.760 --> 0:22:25.800 having expectations in my Happiness book. But I think that 0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:34.159 one should make a list of expectations that they have 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:40.040 of their spouse or their partner, not even to give 0:22:40.119 --> 0:22:44.120 to the other necessarily, just for themselves. And if it's 0:22:44.160 --> 0:22:49.359 a very long list, long is obviously subjective. I understand that, 0:22:49.480 --> 0:22:58.200 but it should be a short list. My immediate reaction 0:22:58.520 --> 0:23:05.639 or thought on that is there's one overriding expectation I 0:23:05.680 --> 0:23:14.760 think is legitimate to uh to not be taken for granted. That, 0:23:15.320 --> 0:23:21.800 in my opinion, that kills relationships even more. And I'm 0:23:21.800 --> 0:23:26.800 certainly anti infidelity, but I think even more than an infidelity, 0:23:27.680 --> 0:23:31.159 taking your spouse for granted is the killer. 0:23:32.320 --> 0:23:37.160 Yeah. I wish it was the only one, but there's 0:23:37.440 --> 0:23:38.680 so many. 0:23:38.640 --> 0:23:39.520 So many killers. 0:23:40.160 --> 0:23:42.720 There's so many killers, and then we're wondering. 0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:46.040 We think we're better at relationships instead of no human 0:23:46.200 --> 0:23:48.800 instincts doom relationships. 0:23:48.960 --> 0:23:54.360 That's that's the reason we resonate to one another. That's right. 0:23:55.160 --> 0:23:59.800 I met the enemy and it is my nature. Alison Armstrong, 0:24:01.040 --> 0:24:10.600 one L and one S. Hi, everybody, I'm Dennis Prager. 0:24:10.640 --> 0:24:13.520 This is the male female our second hour every Wednesday, 0:24:15.000 --> 0:24:20.320 and my guest every season for that is four times 0:24:20.320 --> 0:24:22.720 a year. In case you didn't know there were four seasons. 0:24:23.960 --> 0:24:28.480 Is Alison Armstrong. But Alison Armstrong dot com one L 0:24:28.760 --> 0:24:34.360 one S on the sources of conflicts, of which there 0:24:34.400 --> 0:24:38.320 are many in relationships. So we we talked about preferences, 0:24:38.400 --> 0:24:43.680 and then we're talking about expectations. So before we move on, 0:24:43.800 --> 0:24:47.639 because time flies when I'm with you, I just want 0:24:47.800 --> 0:24:51.280 to ask you, do you agree with me? And you 0:24:51.320 --> 0:24:54.719 know it's fine if you don't. That the smaller the 0:24:54.760 --> 0:24:56.680 list of expectations, the better. 0:25:00.240 --> 0:25:03.760 Well, yeah, that's why I'm all about either transform them 0:25:03.760 --> 0:25:08.040 into agreements or let them go. And I use the 0:25:08.080 --> 0:25:11.879 Sedona method to let things go and like literally just 0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:17.960 it's gone. I don't care anymore. And which is something 0:25:18.000 --> 0:25:21.000 that men are really good at. They're so much better 0:25:21.119 --> 0:25:26.920 at not being willing to care about certain things, whereas women, 0:25:27.000 --> 0:25:30.160 we tend to care about everything and we don't even 0:25:30.280 --> 0:25:33.680 realize how much it's compelling us to do things way 0:25:33.760 --> 0:25:35.520 more than our bodies can handle. 0:25:36.640 --> 0:25:38.000 So yeah, I would agree. 0:25:39.320 --> 0:25:43.280 Minimize expectations, question them a did you think of the 0:25:43.320 --> 0:25:45.360 one that I think people should have. 0:25:45.440 --> 0:25:47.119 Don't take me for granted. 0:25:47.680 --> 0:25:48.960 Don't take me for granted. 0:25:49.440 --> 0:25:53.800 I think that that should be a requirement. 0:25:55.560 --> 0:25:58.680 Well, okay, so that's a requirement and an expectation. 0:25:59.600 --> 0:26:01.720 Yeah, even bigger human beings. 0:26:02.280 --> 0:26:07.720 Human beings need appreciation to thrive, right, we fade away 0:26:07.920 --> 0:26:12.440 without it, most things stop being worth doing. And I 0:26:12.760 --> 0:26:15.640 tell him all the time. Whatever you appreciate, a man 0:26:15.680 --> 0:26:18.480 will keep doing. If he used to do something and 0:26:18.520 --> 0:26:21.520 he doesn't anymore, you didn't appreciate it, or you may 0:26:21.520 --> 0:26:23.800 have thought you were, but it wasn't in his currency. 0:26:24.440 --> 0:26:25.560 That's brilliant. 0:26:26.880 --> 0:26:27.560 Get killed up. 0:26:27.760 --> 0:26:30.560 Yeah, that's what That's how I began before you came on. 0:26:32.119 --> 0:26:39.520 You made decision to understand men, and it's you understand 0:26:39.560 --> 0:26:42.320 men better than many men understand men. 0:26:42.680 --> 0:26:45.639 Which is most of them. Actually, they're shocked what they 0:26:45.760 --> 0:26:46.240 learn from me. 0:26:47.320 --> 0:26:50.600