Speaker 1: Life audio on today's episode of Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: It has been a major, major honor and delight to
Speaker 2: have the most regular guest in Praguer Show history, Alison Arstral.
Speaker 2: In fact, Allison was in high school when we first met.
Speaker 2: It sort of feels that way.
Speaker 1: That's coming up on Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Welcome
Speaker 1: to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Here thousands of hours
Speaker 1: of Dennis's lectures courses in classic radio programs had to
Speaker 1: purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles. Go to Dennisprager dot com.
Speaker 2: Hi, everybody, Welcome to the Male Female Hour on the
Speaker 2: Dennis Prager Show every Wednesday, the second hour. I think
Speaker 2: it's the most honest talk about men and women in
Speaker 2: the media. And as I always remind people, one of
Speaker 2: the reasons is I am happy and prepared to talk
Speaker 2: about just about anything. And because I am neither a
Speaker 2: male fan nor a female fan. The number of wonderful
Speaker 2: men and wonderful women is about equal, and the number
Speaker 2: of bad seeds in both sexes are also about equal.
Speaker 2: They each have to fight their natures, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker 2: For so many years now, she will remember the number
Speaker 2: of years. I don't it has been. It has been.
Speaker 2: It has been a major, major honor and delight to
Speaker 2: have the most regular guest in Ragers show history, Alison Armstrong.
Speaker 2: In fact, Alison was in high school when we first met.
Speaker 2: It sort of feels that way.
Speaker 3: It kind of it kind of does we This is
Speaker 3: our twentieth years, is that right? January of two thousand
Speaker 3: and four is when I was first time with you.
Speaker 2: So in a nutshell, let me just say about Alison Armstrong.
Speaker 2: Her story is very powerful. She wanted to understand men.
Speaker 2: The number of women who want to understand men is
Speaker 2: equal to the number I'll try to think of a
Speaker 2: truly absurd analogy to the number of submarines that also fly.
Speaker 2: Now that that's a little overstating it, but by the
Speaker 2: you know, we actually we. I'm going to explore as
Speaker 2: always what you want to talk about.
Speaker 4: You.
Speaker 2: You have free reign on my show. Allison comes on
Speaker 2: every season, so four times a year. But it's it's
Speaker 2: that I'd like to do that with you once. How
Speaker 2: many women really want to understand men and vice versa?
Speaker 2: How many men want to understand women? But I think
Speaker 2: that it's not completely symmetric because I think it's tougher
Speaker 2: for women to understand men than it is for men
Speaker 2: to understand women, not because men are brighter, but because
Speaker 2: we are more foreign to women than women are foreign
Speaker 2: to us. But anyway, okay, you have a topic in
Speaker 2: my and take it away.
Speaker 4: Alison Armstrong, Well, thank you for having me here.
Speaker 3: I'm really excited, and I apologize it was on me.
Speaker 3: I missed the first season ever in as long as
Speaker 3: we've been doing seasons, So I'm sorry. People are like,
Speaker 3: where's the winter season? That was me and about four
Speaker 3: hundred inches of snow.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm still getting You're still living here in Steamboat
Speaker 3: Springs and we had one of the like second in
Speaker 3: you know, the last thirty years record snow was I
Speaker 3: was buried, but I'm glad to hear. And what I
Speaker 3: want to talk about is conflict. And people have asked
Speaker 3: me about fighting and arguments, and so I'm just calling
Speaker 3: it conflict. And there's a certain kind of conflict that
Speaker 3: is most likely to have a fighting thing going on
Speaker 3: with it, and so that's one of the kinds I
Speaker 3: want to talk about. And there's ones that we need
Speaker 3: to resolve early and well or deep trouble for decades.
Speaker 3: And then there's things that we could be good if
Speaker 3: we honored or let go one of the.
Speaker 2: Other, not just let it so, all right, so let
Speaker 2: me let me summarize where we're at. There were three
Speaker 2: types of conflicts you're saying.
Speaker 4: Well, at least that I want to talk about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, right, okay. So one is the one that takes
Speaker 2: place but can be you know, gotten rid of, so
Speaker 2: to speak. The one that is deep seated and needs
Speaker 2: to be confronted. And what was the third one?
Speaker 3: Again, it's the one that causes fighting and it needs
Speaker 3: to be transformed.
Speaker 2: Actually, wait, so well, how does that differ from one
Speaker 2: or two? Numbers one or two?
Speaker 3: Okay, so look at it this way. Values and we'll
Speaker 3: talk about that. Values is the big one you got
Speaker 3: to confront early because it doesn't go.
Speaker 2: Weat that's a good one.
Speaker 3: Second one is expectations, which if they're not transformed, you
Speaker 3: will have the nastiest you should have you should have
Speaker 3: kind of fights. And the thirdest preferences just what it's
Speaker 3: like to having things the way we like it to beach,
Speaker 3: So honor them or let go of them.
Speaker 4: Those would be the three.
Speaker 2: Okay, take it away.
Speaker 4: Oh wow, Well which one do you want me to
Speaker 4: start with?
Speaker 2: Your choice?
Speaker 3: Okay, Well let's start with preferences, because that's the it's
Speaker 3: the lightest one, but it also.
Speaker 4: Can create such amazing moments.
Speaker 3: So the definition of like is to prefer. So our
Speaker 3: preferences are.
Speaker 4: The ways that we like it. Right, It's the kind
Speaker 4: of ice cream we like.
Speaker 3: It's how tidy our homes are. It's how we season
Speaker 3: our food. And is it hot hot or just off
Speaker 3: hot or who cares what temperature it is? Right, there's
Speaker 3: these things that just are preferences. But when push comes
Speaker 3: to shove.
Speaker 4: Of you live with what you have to live with, and.
Speaker 3: When someone has a strong preference, if we can honor
Speaker 3: it without sacrificing ourselves, and it just creates a kind
Speaker 3: of sweetness. It's just it just can be really really
Speaker 3: sweet if it's appreciated. People who take their preferences being
Speaker 3: catered to for granted.
Speaker 4: Doesn't create sweetness. It can create resentment.
Speaker 2: So let me give you. I love this because I
Speaker 2: love systematic thought, which you're great at. So, just in
Speaker 2: a nutshell, I have said this on a number of occasions.
Speaker 2: My take on preferences with my wife is I let's
Speaker 2: say the classic one or a classic which restaurant to
Speaker 2: have dinner at? My so my view on that or
Speaker 2: in fact, just about anything, leaving values aside obvious, is
Speaker 2: the one who is more passionate about it should win.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's pretty much we're saying the same thing.
Speaker 2: I thought we might be, and not win at.
Speaker 4: The other person self sacrifice because I am yeah, no.
Speaker 2: No, exactly. Look, if she wants restaurant X and I
Speaker 2: want restaurant, why I will go to restaurant X because
Speaker 2: it matters more to her. I'm okay with X.
Speaker 4: Yes.
Speaker 3: And one of the things that women don't understand a
Speaker 3: lot of them think are like they have said, why
Speaker 3: do I always have to pick the restaurant? And I said, well,
Speaker 3: because he wants you to be happy, so he wants
Speaker 3: you to pick the restaurant that you'll be happy at.
Speaker 3: And then as women, we talk about but we can't
Speaker 3: be happy if you're not happy. So when we pick
Speaker 3: a restaurant, it's from the list of restaurants that are
Speaker 3: acceptable to you.
Speaker 2: By the way, I just want to say, this is
Speaker 2: what drives men crazy. Guy, This is awesome. This is
Speaker 2: really a great moment. So she is annoyed that he
Speaker 2: is saying, you know what, let's go to the one
Speaker 2: you want right right, So he's thinking, wait a minute,
Speaker 2: why isn't that nice of me? Why isn't that even chivalrous?
Speaker 3: I can tell you what, because she can't actually enjoy
Speaker 3: even her favorite restaurant if the man she's with it
Speaker 3: seems at all irritated, like my husband, which it's almost
Speaker 3: been four years, Dennis, since Greg died, which is crazy.
Speaker 2: I know, I know, I know.
Speaker 3: But Greg had such strong opinions about how fast you
Speaker 3: get seated, how fast you get served, like I mean,
Speaker 3: he had such intensity about restaurants that I couldn't go
Speaker 3: to my favorite plasis. I would go there without him
Speaker 3: because he didn't like one of those things so much
Speaker 3: that I couldn't intervene.
Speaker 2: There because you knew, you knew how he felt, not.
Speaker 4: Just knew it.
Speaker 3: I can feel it, really feel the agitation in each
Speaker 3: other's I mean, shoot, heart, mess says, we can hear
Speaker 3: you know what.
Speaker 2: So here's here's another prayer rule. Yeah, minimize the number
Speaker 2: of things that agitate you.
Speaker 4: Oh yes, please exactly.
Speaker 2: It takes a lot to agitate me. I know. All right,
Speaker 2: we'll be back at the moment. This is This is
Speaker 2: more fun than almost anything in life. Maybe a roller
Speaker 2: coaster is better, but not much, Alison Armstrong, and I'll
Speaker 2: tell you how to get in touch with her.
Speaker 1: This episode of timeless wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Gregor's timeless wisdom.
Speaker 2: They you are, you are, my dear friends. I am
Speaker 2: with the inimitable, but not inscrutable. That is important, ye,
Speaker 2: Allison Armstrong, with whom, as you can tell, I have
Speaker 2: what is known as chemistry. It's a right. Isn't that
Speaker 2: fair to say we have we have chemistry?
Speaker 4: I would say we have resonance.
Speaker 2: As opposed to chemistry or in addition.
Speaker 4: Well, chemistry literally is chemical.
Speaker 3: It's it's a cocktail of testosterone and epinephrine.
Speaker 4: I would say residence. It's a spiritual connection, fair enough,
Speaker 4: it's a recognition.
Speaker 3: It's a and it's even an amplify.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll put it in really vernacular terms. Because you
Speaker 2: will like this. I think you will like this. I
Speaker 2: shouldn't say you will, I think you will. So we
Speaker 2: enjoy each other.
Speaker 4: Yes, that's the word I was thinking.
Speaker 2: Yes, so this is what you will like. I think
Speaker 2: I when I meet young couples, I don't ask them
Speaker 2: do you love each other? It's a useless question. I
Speaker 2: ask them, do you enjoy each other?
Speaker 4: Oh? Very good? Yes, yeah? And do you like like?
Speaker 2: Oh? Like I have. I'm writing a piece my three
Speaker 2: favorite verbs, and like is one of them.
Speaker 3: Yes, I like you, and what I like about you
Speaker 3: is important. And there's three respect, admiration, and affinity. Liking
Speaker 3: those three, respect, admiration, and like.
Speaker 4: Love is so easy, that's right.
Speaker 2: And the best example in that, in my opinion, is
Speaker 2: a lot of parents. Almost every parent loves their child,
Speaker 2: but a lot of parents don't like their child.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and the child knows it and they just want
Speaker 3: to be adore to bring the moment.
Speaker 2: Dary, Oh, yeah, well you're thinking of little kids. I'm
Speaker 2: thinking of grown children.
Speaker 4: I would say that it's the same.
Speaker 2: Oh it is, yeah, well, a lot of kids, a
Speaker 2: lot of people. I support the parents. I thank god
Speaker 2: it's not my situation. I like and love my sons.
Speaker 2: But but I I'm telling you it's a tough anyway.
Speaker 2: Let's go back to your great theme here. So uh so,
Speaker 2: we're talking about three types of conflicts that could arise one.
Speaker 2: The first one is over preferences, Yes, okay, So do
Speaker 2: you want to move on or do you want to
Speaker 2: continue on preferences? Yeah, okay, like a.
Speaker 3: Two hour version of this in a couple of weeks.
Speaker 3: So I want to get people started, okay. And so
Speaker 3: the other one, let's talk about expectations because it's wicked.
Speaker 3: So you can tell something as an expectation because.
Speaker 4: The word should will be involved.
Speaker 3: There's a sense of entitlement, like I've already done everything
Speaker 3: I should have had to do in order to get
Speaker 3: this from you, and it should already happen. I've already
Speaker 3: earned it. What the heck? Everybody knows this, it's obvious.
Speaker 3: So there's a lot of intensity about it. There's often
Speaker 3: anywhere from disappointment to fury expectations not being met, and
Speaker 3: they're usually not communicated ahead of time. You find out
Speaker 3: someone had an expectation when you failed to meet it
Speaker 3: or when you exceed it, and they gush. And one
Speaker 3: of the worst things about expectations is that they're compound.
Speaker 3: So not only do I have expectations of you, but
Speaker 3: I actually have expectations of you that I think you're
Speaker 3: expecting of me, and I'm trying to live up to
Speaker 3: your expectations without even finding out what they are. And
Speaker 3: then the other thing is they're like bunny rabbits. Expectations
Speaker 3: breed more expectations. Whether it's met or betrayed. Yeah, whether
Speaker 3: it's met or betrayed, it'll create. Yeah, like one expectation.
Speaker 3: One thing that happens with women is if you if
Speaker 3: we're disappointed you fail to meet my expectation. We think
Speaker 3: if I make sure you know how terribly upset I
Speaker 3: am about it, then you will double down and work
Speaker 3: extra hard to meet that expectation. And a woman thinks
Speaker 3: a man will do that because that's what a woman
Speaker 3: will do, because we don't want you to be upset
Speaker 3: when we don't meet your expectations. There's a lot of
Speaker 3: fear in it. But men only work harder to not
Speaker 3: upset someone that they feel dependent upon if they don't
Speaker 3: feel dependent upon that person. The person being upset is
Speaker 3: like if how annoying? No, I'm not going to work harder,
Speaker 3: and why would I spend more energy on something that
Speaker 3: I didn't get any points for even trying.
Speaker 4: So, but they're the things that people if people are so, why.
Speaker 2: Is your recommendation that people minimize their expectations of the other.
Speaker 3: Well, what we do have to examine them. So the
Speaker 3: first thing is we have to notice we have a
Speaker 3: should going on, right, and then check it out. Is
Speaker 3: this something that I expect that I actually really truly need.
Speaker 4: Like there's a huge benefit to me getting it and.
Speaker 3: A huge cost to not getting it, because that changes entirely.
Speaker 3: And it's actually the fourth thing that I wasn't planning
Speaker 3: on talking about, you know, So conflict's over needs and.
Speaker 4: So examine it. Is it a need or not?
Speaker 3: If it's not a need and you have this expectation,
Speaker 3: then what can be amazing? You can transform it by
Speaker 3: talking to a person about it. Find out if they're
Speaker 3: willing to provide what it is that you wish they would,
Speaker 3: and is there anything they need from you for them
Speaker 3: to be willing to provide it, and is there anything
Speaker 3: even that they would need would they will be willing
Speaker 3: to be count honorable for it. So if you transform
Speaker 3: an expectation into an accountability account on ability, I'm willing
Speaker 3: to be held to account.
Speaker 4: For that, it can be amazing.
Speaker 2: Like these are the can you give an example?
Speaker 4: Yes I can.
Speaker 3: So I'm highly scheduled when I'm working and I'm very
Speaker 3: punctual right, as trained by the radio show at Caroly
Speaker 3: can do any thirty seconds. And when Dan and I
Speaker 3: were long distanc seeing each other, he was really punctual.
Speaker 3: And then when I moved to Steamboat, he stopped being punctual.
Speaker 3: And my interpretation of it was, Oh, now that I
Speaker 3: live in your city, you're just going to take me
Speaker 3: for granted.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, that's good. We'll be back at a moment.
Speaker 2: Alison Armstrong dot com correct one L and one s
Speaker 2: Alison Armstrong.
Speaker 1: This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this.
Speaker 1: Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 3: With you when you.
Speaker 2: Hi, everybody, I'm Dennis Prager with the terrific Alison Armstrong
Speaker 2: and Alison Armstrong is contactable at Alison Armstrong dot com.
Speaker 2: One L one S. Talking about the sources of conflict
Speaker 2: between men and women, and we went from preferences to expectations.
Speaker 3: Yes, and I was in the middle of giving you
Speaker 3: an example, right and okay about Dan and being punctual.
Speaker 3: And one of things that's important is that one of
Speaker 3: the ways that expectations can get created is by behavior.
Speaker 4: So we never talked about being on time.
Speaker 3: He just was punctual, So I developed this expectation that
Speaker 3: he could be count honorable for being punctual. And then
Speaker 3: when he changed right, I took it very personally. And
Speaker 3: of course it was because of how he felt about me, which.
Speaker 4: Is what always and just how do you feel about me?
Speaker 4: All your behavior will follow.
Speaker 3: And what was so funny Dennis was when I finally
Speaker 3: talked to him about it, because both men and women
Speaker 3: will avoid conflict, one because men have an innate sense
Speaker 3: of how it can escalate and very badly, and women
Speaker 3: because we're afraid of being displeasing or ruin a moment
Speaker 3: and a precious connection. And when I finally talked to
Speaker 3: him about it, he introduced ish, So three ish, and okay, I.
Speaker 2: Can do the introduced ish. Oh that's a riot, yes, yes.
Speaker 3: And then but then what was so funny is I
Speaker 3: poked around some more and I figured out, my if
Speaker 3: I tell you I'll be there three ish at three
Speaker 3: oh eight, I will apologize for being late.
Speaker 4: For him. This shocked me.
Speaker 3: His ish is within thirty minutes after or before?
Speaker 4: Do you not show up for a woman early?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's all right. Well, I don't think
Speaker 2: you should show up early for anybody actually that yeah, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: that's wrong. You should. I'm with you. I should show
Speaker 2: up basically on the time you said you'd come. It's
Speaker 2: or call yes, yes, if you call, your showing respect
Speaker 2: for the fact that you know you've taken their time.
Speaker 2: Being late is a form of theft, because you're stealing
Speaker 2: a person's time.
Speaker 4: Well, I learned to.
Speaker 3: Not be late because of all the things that makes
Speaker 3: another human being think and wonder and worry about am
Speaker 3: I in the right place? Did I get the time wrong?
Speaker 3: Were they in a car accident?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 3: So I just come on times so that doesn't have
Speaker 3: to happen in their head.
Speaker 2: Okay, So those are You know what you need to
Speaker 2: you know what you need to do among your many
Speaker 2: many things. And I would sort of like to take
Speaker 2: this on my own as well. What since I believe
Speaker 2: deeply in minimizing expectations. I have a chapter on not
Speaker 2: having expectations in my Happiness book. But I think that
Speaker 2: one should make a list of expectations that they have
Speaker 2: of their spouse or their partner, not even to give
Speaker 2: to the other necessarily, just for themselves. And if it's
Speaker 2: a very long list, long is obviously subjective. I understand that,
Speaker 2: but it should be a short list. My immediate reaction
Speaker 2: or thought on that is there's one overriding expectation I
Speaker 2: think is legitimate to uh to not be taken for granted. That,
Speaker 2: in my opinion, that kills relationships even more. And I'm
Speaker 2: certainly anti infidelity, but I think even more than an infidelity,
Speaker 2: taking your spouse for granted is the killer.
Speaker 4: Yeah. I wish it was the only one, but there's
Speaker 4: so many.
Speaker 2: So many killers.
Speaker 4: There's so many killers, and then we're wondering.
Speaker 3: We think we're better at relationships instead of no human
Speaker 3: instincts doom relationships.
Speaker 2: That's that's the reason we resonate to one another. That's right.
Speaker 2: I met the enemy and it is my nature. Alison Armstrong,
Speaker 2: one L and one S. Hi, everybody, I'm Dennis Prager.
Speaker 2: This is the male female our second hour every Wednesday,
Speaker 2: and my guest every season for that is four times
Speaker 2: a year. In case you didn't know there were four seasons.
Speaker 2: Is Alison Armstrong. But Alison Armstrong dot com one L
Speaker 2: one S on the sources of conflicts, of which there
Speaker 2: are many in relationships. So we we talked about preferences,
Speaker 2: and then we're talking about expectations. So before we move on,
Speaker 2: because time flies when I'm with you, I just want
Speaker 2: to ask you, do you agree with me? And you
Speaker 2: know it's fine if you don't. That the smaller the
Speaker 2: list of expectations, the better.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, that's why I'm all about either transform them
Speaker 3: into agreements or let them go. And I use the
Speaker 3: Sedona method to let things go and like literally just
Speaker 3: it's gone. I don't care anymore. And which is something
Speaker 3: that men are really good at. They're so much better
Speaker 3: at not being willing to care about certain things, whereas women,
Speaker 3: we tend to care about everything and we don't even
Speaker 3: realize how much it's compelling us to do things way
Speaker 3: more than our bodies can handle.
Speaker 4: So yeah, I would agree.
Speaker 3: Minimize expectations, question them a did you think of the
Speaker 3: one that I think people should have.
Speaker 2: Don't take me for granted.
Speaker 4: Don't take me for granted.
Speaker 3: I think that that should be a requirement.
Speaker 2: Well, okay, so that's a requirement and an expectation.
Speaker 4: Yeah, even bigger human beings.
Speaker 3: Human beings need appreciation to thrive, right, we fade away
Speaker 3: without it, most things stop being worth doing. And I
Speaker 3: tell him all the time. Whatever you appreciate, a man
Speaker 3: will keep doing. If he used to do something and
Speaker 3: he doesn't anymore, you didn't appreciate it, or you may
Speaker 3: have thought you were, but it wasn't in his currency.
Speaker 2: That's brilliant.
Speaker 4: Get killed up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what That's how I began before you came on.
Speaker 2: You made decision to understand men, and it's you understand
Speaker 2: men better than many men understand men.
Speaker 4: Which is most of them. Actually, they're shocked what they
Speaker 4: learn from me.
Speaker 2: That's a great way of putting it. Yes, that is
Speaker 2: really funny. All right. The next source preferences, expectations next, yeah.
Speaker 4: And then the big one.
Speaker 3: Values and values is such a strong word for men.
Speaker 3: You guys relate to it very well. One of the
Speaker 3: things that we need to look for.
Speaker 4: And then there's there's a uh oh.
Speaker 3: One way to see someone's real values is what do
Speaker 3: they spend significant amounts of time and energy and money
Speaker 3: on even when those things are tight, they still do it.
Speaker 3: That's going to be a reflection of their values and what's.
Speaker 4: Really really really really really really really important and tied
Speaker 4: to their sense of self.
Speaker 3: And one of the things that I've seen is that
Speaker 3: like in a dating situation, a man will assume that
Speaker 3: what a woman has she values, But it's a little
Speaker 3: dangerous because that's what she spent time and money and
Speaker 3: energy on in the past. It may not be a
Speaker 3: reflection of her current values. And many men like if
Speaker 3: they can't afford her car, like they couldn't buy her
Speaker 3: another one, they figured they couldn't afford her. If they
Speaker 3: couldn't afford all the travel she's already done to do
Speaker 3: again in the future, they can't afford her. So it's
Speaker 3: really important to question what time and money and energy
Speaker 3: was spent on in the past that isn't what someone's
Speaker 3: spending it on now or plans to in the future.
Speaker 4: This is why I always.
Speaker 3: Encourage single people quit trying to connect over the past.
Speaker 3: It's safe, but it should be the least significant thing.
Speaker 3: If you're going to have a few relationship together, you
Speaker 3: should be connecting over the present and the future. So
Speaker 3: values I encourage people. I mean, I mostly don't coach
Speaker 3: couples because they didn't set it up right in the
Speaker 3: first place. They got married thinking the other person's values
Speaker 3: were going to change, or that the other person's values
Speaker 3: would never change, and it causes so many problems, So
Speaker 3: the vetting needs to start early and keep going on.
Speaker 3: Is this still important to you? Is this still who
Speaker 3: you are? Is this still what you care the most about?
Speaker 3: So important to do because it's.
Speaker 2: So When you said values, originally I was thinking moral, political, social, religious,
Speaker 2: et cetera. You mean life values, Like what do I
Speaker 2: consider important for my life, whether it's travel or or well, how.
Speaker 3: It's like for people who travel, it's finding out what
Speaker 3: is the point of them traveling. Some people travel because
Speaker 3: they have a value of learning or discovering or connecting
Speaker 3: with people around the world. Right they have what the
Speaker 3: behavior is travel? I'm so glad you asked. So that
Speaker 3: there's the behavior. Well, then what's the behavior and expression
Speaker 3: from of and like your morals for example, as you
Speaker 3: would speak of it, they're an expression of who you
Speaker 3: are at your very core.
Speaker 4: And one of things women don't know about.
Speaker 3: Men is that as a man gets older, his sense
Speaker 3: of success it has to do with that his internal
Speaker 3: values are now expressed in all the external parts of
Speaker 3: his life. It is a romantic relationship reflects it, his
Speaker 3: community reflects it, his work reflects it, his family reflects it.
Speaker 4: That is what gives a man.
Speaker 3: Ultimately his sense of a successful life, that who he
Speaker 3: is has been manifested and when women don't pay enough
Speaker 3: attention to who is this man and that that's what
Speaker 3: he's going to keep striving for and if she's an
Speaker 3: obstacle to that or she denigrates it, Oh geez, I
Speaker 3: mean the disconnect is massive.
Speaker 2: Yep. Wow, you know when I speak to you about
Speaker 2: issues like this, it's amazing that any couples really you workout.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I don't think they should take your personally.
Speaker 2: All right, once again, Alison Armstrong dot com one l
Speaker 2: One s and Allison. Final segment coming up on the
Speaker 2: Male Female Hour of the Dennis Prager.
Speaker 1: Show, this episode of Timeless Wisdom. We'll continue all right
Speaker 1: after this. Now back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom.
Speaker 2: All right, everybody, Final segment with Alison Armstrong on this
Speaker 2: Male Female Hour. She's on four times a year. So
Speaker 2: we have three sources of conflict and relationships that she
Speaker 2: has analyzed. Preferences and expectations and values. Was there a fourth?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, there's more.
Speaker 3: The biggest category being what do we act actually need
Speaker 3: to be the kind of human beings that.
Speaker 2: We want to be so need need is different from expectation.
Speaker 3: Absolutely there are things we expect we don't need, and
Speaker 3: things we need we don't expect.
Speaker 4: And things.
Speaker 2: Oh so what we really need, not what we just.
Speaker 4: Think we need really need?
Speaker 2: Yeah, thats why I love Allison. That is such. That
Speaker 2: is such a great what a distinction? What do I
Speaker 2: what do I really need? Versus what do I think
Speaker 2: I need?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Can I say more?
Speaker 2: Oh? Please?
Speaker 3: And I want to say about the values thing, which
Speaker 3: also applies to need, so to work.
Speaker 4: So if you want a test to see if this.
Speaker 3: Is something you really need, which in the dictionary need
Speaker 3: means an urgent requirement of something, and so it's it's
Speaker 3: not in a vacuum, it's required in order to So
Speaker 3: I pay attention to what do I require an order
Speaker 3: to be the human being I'm committed to be. So,
Speaker 3: for example, patient as a mom, that was my highest
Speaker 3: value was to be patient for my children, and so
Speaker 3: I paid attention to how did I get it?
Speaker 4: And mostly I.
Speaker 3: Got patients through sleep and alone time. So that meant
Speaker 3: in order to be patient for my children, That's what
Speaker 3: was at stake, because when I.
Speaker 4: Didn't get that, I was not patient right.
Speaker 3: So I needed it in order to be the mom
Speaker 3: I was committed to being, and so I had boundaries
Speaker 3: around sleep and around alone time. And I had deals
Speaker 3: with Greg to support me in getting enough sleep and
Speaker 3: support me and getting enough alone time. So and that
Speaker 3: word enough is what's important here with needs and with value?
Speaker 4: What is enough? Right? What is it like? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Dan and I share about adventure, adventure and explanate exploration. Well,
Speaker 3: what's enough of that we share a value of family?
Speaker 3: What's in method? We share a value of service and contribution?
Speaker 3: What's a method that we have a value of support?
Speaker 2: Let's do let's do Let's do a session of the
Speaker 2: Male Female Hour on the difference between what we need
Speaker 2: and think we need. Yes, you're terrific. This this was
Speaker 2: special Alison Armstrong dot com. I send you my love,
Speaker 2: thank you as.
Speaker 3: Always, so good to see you tomorrow on Timeless Wisdom
Speaker 3: with Dennis Praeger.
Speaker 5: Okay, basically, I'm you know, I'm a single moms type
Speaker 5: person right now, and I work a very good job.
Speaker 5: I love my job. I do X rays for a living,
Speaker 5: I do them on the road. I love them. I
Speaker 5: love my two children, they're four and five. But I
Speaker 5: often find that going to work is not only a relief,
Speaker 5: but I take so much happiness from it. And I've
Speaker 5: heard so many people say, oh, I can't wait to
Speaker 5: be a stay at home mom, and so it's great
Speaker 5: being a stay at home mom, and I feel guilty
Speaker 5: because I don't want to do it. I want to work.
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