1 00:00:08,257 --> 00:00:09,137 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:14,377 Speaker 2: Download the Jesus Calling app and get started today for free. 3 00:00:14,817 --> 00:00:17,297 Speaker 2: Look for the Jesus Calling app both the Apple and 4 00:00:17,457 --> 00:00:18,456 Speaker 2: Google Play stores. 5 00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:31,057 Speaker 3: Hey everybody, I'm Susie McIntyre. Eaton for Jesus Listen stories 6 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:35,617 Speaker 3: of prayer. We've got doctor Dan Allender and doctor Steve Call. 7 00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:40,097 Speaker 3: They have written a book called The Deep Rooted Marriage. 8 00:00:40,417 --> 00:00:42,857 Speaker 3: So we're going to talk to you about how you 9 00:00:42,897 --> 00:00:45,417 Speaker 3: can relate and how you can get down into those 10 00:00:45,497 --> 00:00:49,376 Speaker 3: deep roots and find out how you truly do relate 11 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:53,857 Speaker 3: and how you are relating is causing maybe some conflict 12 00:00:54,017 --> 00:00:57,497 Speaker 3: in your marriage. So stay tuned. We're going to join 13 00:00:57,577 --> 00:01:01,937 Speaker 3: them right now and you're going to enjoy this. Doctor 14 00:01:01,977 --> 00:01:04,577 Speaker 3: Allender and doctor Call. It so good to have you 15 00:01:04,617 --> 00:01:07,497 Speaker 3: on Jesus List. Since today, even though Mark and I 16 00:01:07,497 --> 00:01:11,337 Speaker 3: have been married for fifteen years, we've reaped an abundance 17 00:01:11,457 --> 00:01:14,737 Speaker 3: of knowledge from you guys. From your point of view, 18 00:01:14,777 --> 00:01:19,937 Speaker 3: Doctor Cale, what do you think the main problem is 19 00:01:20,177 --> 00:01:23,737 Speaker 3: in marriage today between couples and do you think it 20 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:26,937 Speaker 3: has changed in the last ten fifteen years. 21 00:01:27,177 --> 00:01:29,097 Speaker 4: I would say over the last five to ten years. Actually, 22 00:01:29,177 --> 00:01:32,457 Speaker 4: what is more hopeful is that couples are a bit 23 00:01:32,497 --> 00:01:37,537 Speaker 4: more open if you will, or intentional about receiving input, 24 00:01:37,857 --> 00:01:42,577 Speaker 4: meaning they're seeking guidance, maybe they're seeking podcasts, maybe they're 25 00:01:42,577 --> 00:01:46,017 Speaker 4: seeking resources. It has become much less of a taboo, 26 00:01:46,137 --> 00:01:49,537 Speaker 4: I think culturally for couples to say, hey, we're struggling 27 00:01:49,577 --> 00:01:52,337 Speaker 4: a little bit, maybe we could use some help. Maybe 28 00:01:52,377 --> 00:01:54,377 Speaker 4: we could seek some help, maybe with that's with a 29 00:01:54,417 --> 00:01:57,737 Speaker 4: friend or a colleague, or a trusted family member or 30 00:01:58,257 --> 00:02:01,737 Speaker 4: maybe a therapist. That to me, I think is what 31 00:02:01,777 --> 00:02:04,137 Speaker 4: I've become more aware of, is there's just this openness, 32 00:02:04,497 --> 00:02:08,577 Speaker 4: more of an opennest receptivity to the input. The risk 33 00:02:09,457 --> 00:02:11,777 Speaker 4: I think for many couples when they engage in that 34 00:02:11,857 --> 00:02:16,377 Speaker 4: kind of process is they're asking and inviting themselves to 35 00:02:16,457 --> 00:02:20,657 Speaker 4: be aware of what is happening today that is somehow 36 00:02:20,657 --> 00:02:23,577 Speaker 4: connected to our past story. And I think that if 37 00:02:23,617 --> 00:02:25,497 Speaker 4: we could just sum up in a sentence or two, 38 00:02:25,977 --> 00:02:30,057 Speaker 4: where couples maybe get stuck is the lack of awareness 39 00:02:30,337 --> 00:02:32,057 Speaker 4: and how the past is part of the present. 40 00:02:32,377 --> 00:02:36,056 Speaker 2: And I think there is this deep, deep, deep reserve 41 00:02:37,177 --> 00:02:40,257 Speaker 2: we all want to in one sense look good. But 42 00:02:40,337 --> 00:02:43,657 Speaker 2: the complication is all of us know that things are 43 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:49,177 Speaker 2: a lot harder and struggles far more deeper than we 44 00:02:49,257 --> 00:02:51,377 Speaker 2: often have the freedom to be able to name. So 45 00:02:51,737 --> 00:02:54,097 Speaker 2: the other side to what Steve saying is we're more 46 00:02:54,137 --> 00:02:58,257 Speaker 2: open because we're actually more traumatized. On the other hand, 47 00:02:59,217 --> 00:03:05,257 Speaker 2: the trauma themselves oftentimes gets written off in Christian communities. 48 00:03:05,577 --> 00:03:08,137 Speaker 2: We should be trusting God, we should be believing in 49 00:03:08,177 --> 00:03:11,137 Speaker 2: the Word of God, and if we did that, we 50 00:03:11,177 --> 00:03:16,297 Speaker 2: wouldn't be struggling. That is just the absolute furthest from 51 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:19,497 Speaker 2: the truth. The more we actually engage the Word of God, 52 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:23,057 Speaker 2: the more we ought to be able to see some 53 00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:26,097 Speaker 2: of the realities that are playing out in our marriages. 54 00:03:26,377 --> 00:03:32,937 Speaker 5: We both bring into a marriage relationship baggage and triggers 55 00:03:33,017 --> 00:03:36,497 Speaker 5: into that relationship that come with us that we might 56 00:03:36,497 --> 00:03:41,577 Speaker 5: not even be aware of, and creating awareness for those 57 00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:46,777 Speaker 5: things is probably the hardest task there is. 58 00:03:47,177 --> 00:03:49,537 Speaker 4: At least had asked on the phone. She asked me 59 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:52,697 Speaker 4: about a particular event that occurred two days ago, and 60 00:03:52,737 --> 00:03:55,697 Speaker 4: I told her what my experience of the event was, 61 00:03:56,497 --> 00:04:00,137 Speaker 4: and her response wasn't what I helped for. I'll just 62 00:04:00,217 --> 00:04:03,697 Speaker 4: say that I didn't respond well. I had an unkind tone. 63 00:04:04,337 --> 00:04:07,777 Speaker 4: I said something like that wasn't very nice of you, 64 00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:10,817 Speaker 4: or that wasn't what I hoped for. I was abrupt 65 00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:13,497 Speaker 4: and it was harsh, and Lisa then asked the question 66 00:04:13,537 --> 00:04:15,577 Speaker 4: that I think we all long to hear, and she 67 00:04:15,657 --> 00:04:19,056 Speaker 4: asked the question what happened? Like what happened for you? 68 00:04:19,296 --> 00:04:21,257 Speaker 4: What was going on for you? And it was one 69 00:04:21,296 --> 00:04:24,337 Speaker 4: of the most kind, curious questions that she asked. And 70 00:04:24,376 --> 00:04:26,817 Speaker 4: I think that we can ever ask our spouse when 71 00:04:26,856 --> 00:04:31,777 Speaker 4: they're triggered having a reaction something doesn't necessarily match the situation. 72 00:04:32,176 --> 00:04:34,736 Speaker 4: Can there be a posture of curiosity to say, wait, 73 00:04:35,337 --> 00:04:37,496 Speaker 4: we don't have to be as loyal to those patterns 74 00:04:37,496 --> 00:04:38,777 Speaker 4: that we might have been in the past. 75 00:04:40,017 --> 00:04:45,936 Speaker 2: Well, that question, it really is comparable to God asking 76 00:04:46,137 --> 00:04:49,177 Speaker 2: Adam and Nive where are you? Where are you? And 77 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:54,017 Speaker 2: the question of what's the tone of God in that question? 78 00:04:54,496 --> 00:04:56,496 Speaker 2: And I think many of us think it's a tone 79 00:04:56,496 --> 00:05:02,816 Speaker 2: of disappointment, anger, judgment versus grief and invitation. And I 80 00:05:02,816 --> 00:05:07,256 Speaker 2: think that's one of the categories of curios always has 81 00:05:07,337 --> 00:05:12,416 Speaker 2: to be combined with kindness. You know what we wrestle 82 00:05:12,457 --> 00:05:15,897 Speaker 2: with and Steve your language of harsh. I think the 83 00:05:15,936 --> 00:05:19,976 Speaker 2: reality of what research is indicated is the number one 84 00:05:20,176 --> 00:05:24,337 Speaker 2: killer of intimacy and marriage is contempt. And whether you 85 00:05:24,416 --> 00:05:28,577 Speaker 2: think of a harsh tone as being contemptuous. It is judgment. 86 00:05:28,856 --> 00:05:32,257 Speaker 2: It's a way of making the other person pay, and 87 00:05:32,337 --> 00:05:37,617 Speaker 2: that's happening in most marriages every day. If we can 88 00:05:37,657 --> 00:05:41,176 Speaker 2: disrupt that, at least name it and actually open the 89 00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:45,537 Speaker 2: door too. What's going on? I know you don't hate me. 90 00:05:45,936 --> 00:05:48,416 Speaker 2: I know you are in one of ways don't want 91 00:05:48,457 --> 00:05:52,616 Speaker 2: to hurt me, but there really is harm. Can we 92 00:05:52,777 --> 00:05:57,176 Speaker 2: have the courage to name it together and understand how 93 00:05:57,217 --> 00:06:01,057 Speaker 2: it's come back to the deep rooted notion? What are 94 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:04,097 Speaker 2: the roots of your contempt and how is it playing 95 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:08,136 Speaker 2: out in your marriage? If that gets disrupted, major good 96 00:06:08,257 --> 00:06:08,856 Speaker 2: can happen. 97 00:06:09,217 --> 00:06:14,136 Speaker 3: So how do you think and how could we help 98 00:06:14,816 --> 00:06:18,577 Speaker 3: people to get past these past hurts. 99 00:06:18,777 --> 00:06:26,496 Speaker 2: Owning and naming literally begins to change your neuronce it 100 00:06:26,616 --> 00:06:32,897 Speaker 2: changes your brain slowly. So we need to engage the stories. 101 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:35,696 Speaker 2: And that's one of the questions about a good marriage. 102 00:06:36,137 --> 00:06:40,657 Speaker 2: Do we own and share stories or do we have 103 00:06:40,736 --> 00:06:43,697 Speaker 2: a mood of already know you grew up with an 104 00:06:43,697 --> 00:06:46,736 Speaker 2: angry father. Yeah, I don't need to hear anymore. Now 105 00:06:46,897 --> 00:06:51,577 Speaker 2: we need to hear the stories because what research has 106 00:06:51,736 --> 00:06:56,296 Speaker 2: indicated is that when we tell the story in the 107 00:06:56,337 --> 00:07:03,017 Speaker 2: presence of a compassionate witness, our brains literally change. 108 00:07:03,897 --> 00:07:04,057 Speaker 5: Well. 109 00:07:04,097 --> 00:07:07,017 Speaker 3: I can't believe our time is come by so fast 110 00:07:07,217 --> 00:07:10,937 Speaker 3: on this first episode. We've got another episode coming up, 111 00:07:11,017 --> 00:07:15,937 Speaker 3: so be sure and tune in for the part two. Okay, 112 00:07:16,457 --> 00:07:19,017 Speaker 3: thank you guys for being with us. I'd like to 113 00:07:19,097 --> 00:07:25,137 Speaker 3: close the time with us today with the reading from Jesus. Listens. 114 00:07:25,177 --> 00:07:28,217 Speaker 3: Sarah Young did a wonderful job with this book, and 115 00:07:28,697 --> 00:07:34,777 Speaker 3: I absolutely loved her writing and what she did. It's 116 00:07:35,217 --> 00:07:40,177 Speaker 3: February tenth. Precious Jesus, your word assures me that in 117 00:07:40,217 --> 00:07:43,737 Speaker 3: your presence there is fullness of joy. As I rest 118 00:07:43,777 --> 00:07:47,577 Speaker 3: in your presence pondering who you are and all your 119 00:07:47,697 --> 00:07:52,057 Speaker 3: power and glory, I rejoice in your eternal commitment to me. 120 00:07:53,057 --> 00:07:57,337 Speaker 3: Neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation 121 00:07:57,537 --> 00:08:01,497 Speaker 3: will be able to separate me from your love. My 122 00:08:01,617 --> 00:08:06,017 Speaker 3: relationship with you has been secure ever since I trusted 123 00:08:06,057 --> 00:08:09,937 Speaker 3: you as my all sufficient savior. Help me remember that 124 00:08:10,097 --> 00:08:14,537 Speaker 3: I am your beloved child. This is my permanent identity. 125 00:08:14,897 --> 00:08:18,097 Speaker 3: Please lead me along the way of the path of 126 00:08:18,177 --> 00:08:21,417 Speaker 3: life and teach me how to show your love to 127 00:08:21,497 --> 00:08:27,857 Speaker 3: others in your cherished name. Amen. Amen, Thank you guys 128 00:08:27,857 --> 00:08:28,857 Speaker 3: for being with us. 129 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,457 Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you. 130 00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:35,977 Speaker 3: So much for joining us today Jesus Listens Stories of Prayer. 131 00:08:36,017 --> 00:08:39,817 Speaker 3: I'm Susie McIntyre Eton and i so enjoyed my time 132 00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:43,897 Speaker 3: with my husband Mark and Doctor Allander and Doctor Call. 133 00:08:44,177 --> 00:08:47,497 Speaker 3: Don't forget there's a second episode coming up, so you 134 00:08:47,817 --> 00:08:52,577 Speaker 3: be sure and tune in. Just remember until we see 135 00:08:52,617 --> 00:08:55,537 Speaker 3: you again, that Jesus hears you, he cares for you, 136 00:08:56,137 --> 00:08:59,337 Speaker 3: and he's just a prayer away. God bless you and 137 00:08:59,377 --> 00:09:00,457 Speaker 3: we'll see you next time. 138 00:09:08,017 --> 00:09:10,857 Speaker 1: Be sure to follow us on social media and on 139 00:09:10,937 --> 00:09:13,897 Speaker 1: the Jesus Calling podcast on Apple or wherever you get 140 00:09:13,897 --> 00:09:16,417 Speaker 1: your podcasts so that you can keep up with our 141 00:09:16,417 --> 00:09:19,777 Speaker 1: weekly audio episodes in special monthly series like this one. 142 00:09:20,217 --> 00:09:22,737 Speaker 1: And be sure to subscribe to the Jesus Calling channel 143 00:09:22,817 --> 00:09:26,337 Speaker 1: on YouTube, where you'll find the video version of this interview. 144 00:09:26,697 --> 00:09:27,537 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.