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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to the TAMUS podcast, where we share how grace, commitment,

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Speaker 2: and cooperation can help couples live the everyday moments of

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Speaker 2: marriage together. Hey, everybody, we are Ted and.

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Speaker 3: Dash Lee Slater. So most marriages don't fall apart in

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Speaker 3: one big moment. They drift there slowly and quietly. You

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Speaker 3: can be in the same house doing life together and

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Speaker 3: still end up on autopilot. Today we're talking about three

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Speaker 3: simple rhythms that help keep a marriage connected, and not

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Speaker 3: through big gestures, but through small, intentional patterns that actually

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Speaker 3: change the direction you're heading. So, Ted, Hello, we have

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Speaker 3: talked before about how we both work from home, and

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Speaker 3: even though I do have days during the week where

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Speaker 3: I'm driving teenagers places many hours per day, yes, we

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Speaker 3: probably still are at home together a lot more than

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Speaker 3: other couples.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, not only in the morning and the evening, but.

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Speaker 3: Like during the day right, Like we're recording this at

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Speaker 3: like eleven thirty on a Friday.

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Speaker 2: Yes, we are so because I'm home right and Mysajam

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Speaker 2: is working.

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Speaker 1: Yes, exactly.

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Speaker 3: So some people might assume that means we're just automatically

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Speaker 3: connected just because we're in the same space so much.

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Speaker 3: But I think that what we've learned is that you

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Speaker 3: can be physically near someone all the time and still

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Speaker 3: slowly drift into autopilot if you're not paying attention right,

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Speaker 3: And I think that can happen in any marriage, whether

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Speaker 3: you're both working at home or not. And so, like,

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Speaker 3: as I was thinking about this, I was like, Okay, so,

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Speaker 3: what are some signs that a couple might be on autopilot?

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Speaker 3: And here are a few ideas, okay that both us

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Speaker 3: and the listeners can kind of go, okay, is that us?

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Speaker 3: So a lot of times it shows up as more

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Speaker 3: surface level communication, like we're still asking how is your day,

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Speaker 3: but we're maybe not really listening to the answer okay,

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Speaker 3: Or we're eating together and not talking as much as

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Speaker 3: we used to, or maybe not making as much time

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Speaker 3: to hug or kiss or say thank you. Sometimes it

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Speaker 3: can even show up as having like the same arguments

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Speaker 3: over and over again, I think over small things. And

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Speaker 3: I think the tricky part is that the longer a

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Speaker 3: couple's married, I think it's the easier it is for

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Speaker 3: you know, these patterns are being on autopilot to kind

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Speaker 3: of fade into the background and everything starts to feel normal.

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Speaker 3: So we might not even notice them anymore and know

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Speaker 3: that we're on autopilot.

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Speaker 2: Sure, just status quo and nothing changed.

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Speaker 3: Nothing different, right, Like these patterns are could be like

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Speaker 3: our default settings, right, you know, they're the tiny, repeated

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Speaker 3: moments and not the big dramatic ones that are quietly

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Speaker 3: shaping what our marriage actually feels like day to day.

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Speaker 3: And we've talked about that before, how marriages usually don't

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Speaker 3: change in big dramatic ways.

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Speaker 1: They change slowly, quietly, and over time.

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Speaker 3: And that's kind of both comforting and scary, you know,

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Speaker 3: because it means we don't usually wake up one day

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Speaker 3: in a great place or a bad place just drift there, right,

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Speaker 3: because we lose intentionality. So today I want to kind

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Speaker 3: of talk about three rhythms that can keep us from

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Speaker 3: living on autopilots. And they're not like rules or try

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Speaker 3: harder ideas. They're just patterns that we can notice and

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Speaker 3: maybe tweak a little bit so that we're bringing that intentionality.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, this sounds really like it'd be really helpful.

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Speaker 3: So but before we jump into those, let's take a

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Speaker 3: quick break. So today we're talking about three rhythms that matter,

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Speaker 3: I think whether you're newly married or maybe even matter

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Speaker 3: more the longer you've been married. Some of these things

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Speaker 3: we may have touched on in past episodes, but I

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Speaker 3: like having them all together here. So the first one

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Speaker 3: is shared connection rituals.

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Speaker 2: No, I think I can figure out what that means,

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Speaker 2: but maybe explain or give examples or something.

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Speaker 3: Well, like last year I wrote an article for newlyweds

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Speaker 3: where I suggested a few rhythms they could practice intentionally,

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Speaker 3: and like one of those, one of these shared connection

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Speaker 3: rituals was eating meals together.

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Speaker 2: That's a good, easy to achieve goal.

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Speaker 1: Right, And the thing is that eating together.

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Speaker 3: Yes, it's about the food, because you like food, but

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Speaker 3: it's not really about the food.

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Speaker 1: That's a bonus.

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Speaker 3: It's really about slowing down and actually noticing each other

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Speaker 3: and taking the time together. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: You figure Jesus did a lot of that with his buddies, right,

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Speaker 2: I know he built relationship around meals. So yeah, that's

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Speaker 2: a great suggestion.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you see a lot of that in scripture of

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Speaker 3: food being involved.

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Speaker 2: Right, And it could be you know, breakfast or dinner,

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Speaker 2: we could meet somewhere for lunch or ice cream or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Coffee coffee, coffee, coffee, very good.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So basically like the point of a shared connection

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Speaker 3: ritual isn't necessarily the activity, it's the repeated choosing, like

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Speaker 3: repeatedly doing that because, like we've already said, long marriages.

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Speaker 1: Don't use lose connection all at once.

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Speaker 3: It fades in tiny boring ways, like couples just stop

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Speaker 3: slowly stopped building in those on purpose moments that they

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Speaker 3: were more intentional about doing earlier.

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Speaker 2: On seems right, And I.

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Speaker 3: Think what's interesting is that when we're in the middle

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Speaker 3: of these shared things like eating food together or you know,

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Speaker 3: taking a walk or sitting on the couch at night,

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Speaker 3: or running errands together and so separately things like that,

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Speaker 3: we don't always realize which little moments are doing the

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Speaker 3: real work, you know, which moments are connecting us. Sometimes

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Speaker 3: it's not till later unless we're being extremely intentional and

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Speaker 3: that we look back and think, oh, that actually mattered

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Speaker 3: more than we realized, right, right, right.

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Speaker 2: Right, Yeah. I saw a video recently as I was

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Speaker 2: doom scrolling confession, and it was an older couple and

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Speaker 2: it looked like he was like in his last day

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Speaker 2: of life, okay, and she was just with them and

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Speaker 2: talking and they're probably reflecting on all those times they

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Speaker 2: had just eating a meal or you know, holding hands

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Speaker 2: or doing simple stuff together. And it was the last

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Speaker 2: couple of moments on life in life.

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Speaker 1: So that's crazy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it kind of reminded me of the importance of

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Speaker 2: the little stuff.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, and I was this is not quite as

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Speaker 3: moving and touching as that. But we finally finished the

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Speaker 3: Office last night, and then the last episode, you know,

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Speaker 3: Andy says he wishes you would could know you were

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Speaker 3: in the good old days while you're still in them,

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Speaker 3: all right, And that kind of reminded me of this too. Right.

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Speaker 2: That reminds me of a very short poem I read

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Speaker 2: from somebody years ago, is like these are the good

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Speaker 2: old days. Just wait and see.

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Speaker 1: It's like, can we know that right now? I mean,

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Speaker 1: I do try to remind myself of that with parenting

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Speaker 1: as it goes so fast does well.

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Speaker 3: I think one thing that we've noticed when it comes

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Speaker 3: to rituals is they do change with seasons. Like what

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Speaker 3: works in one decade, like or worked when we were news,

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Speaker 3: doesn't magically always work in the next, and so we

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Speaker 3: have to replace them because they don't keep going. So

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Speaker 3: like we've had to reinvent some of our rituals, like

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Speaker 3: we used to when our kids were younger, we would

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Speaker 3: eat dinner and watch TV after they were in bed bed.

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Speaker 2: They're in bed by seven, right, and now they're in

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Speaker 2: bed bye after us.

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Speaker 1: Right.

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Speaker 3: We have college age and daughters and teenage daughters, and

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Speaker 3: so that's no longer. You know, that's not our time,

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Speaker 3: you and me time anymore. So we have to look

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Speaker 3: for other ways to have connection time together because that

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Speaker 3: is changed. Yeah, so I think that the takeaway for

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Speaker 3: this one is connection doesn't survive on nostalgia.

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Speaker 1: It survives on maintenance.

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Speaker 2: I need to make a meme out of that.

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Speaker 3: Right, there we go and a shared connection, which one

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Speaker 3: can be tiny. It doesn't have to be a weekly

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Speaker 3: date night, although those are nice. We need to get

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Speaker 3: back into the swing of those. The holidays kind of

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Speaker 3: disrupted that. I mean, it can be ten minutes. It

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Speaker 3: can be something simple and even something kind of dumb,

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Speaker 3: like us watching the.

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Speaker 1: Cats do something ridiculous together and laughing.

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Speaker 2: Together, which is frequently.

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Speaker 3: Yes, exactly what we can find them. It just has

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Speaker 3: to be something that's on purpose. And honestly, I think

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Speaker 3: that's what keeps a marriage from slowly turning into, you know,

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Speaker 3: just a friendly roommate. Our business partner situation. Nice, all right,

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Speaker 3: you're ready for number two?

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Speaker 2: Number two?

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Speaker 3: Number two is meaningful communication. And by that I don't

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Speaker 3: mean we talked today. I mean did we actually connect?

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Speaker 3: And I think one of the things about the longer

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Speaker 3: couples have been married is how efficient marriages get.

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Speaker 1: Like because it's a bad thing, it's a thing.

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Speaker 2: It's a thing. Okay, it's a thing.

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Speaker 3: Like we get really good at logistics. We exchange information,

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Speaker 3: we coordinate schedules, we solve problems, and all of that

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Speaker 3: is good.

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Speaker 1: So it is a good thing.

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Speaker 2: So something that may have taken twenty minutes twenty years ago,

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Speaker 2: now it takes.

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Speaker 3: Three minutes, right, but it might multiply, there might be

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Speaker 3: more of it to do. But none of it automatically

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Speaker 3: makes us fit feel close. It might make us feel productive,

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Speaker 3: you know, like when I ask you if you can

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Speaker 3: drive someone somewhere, you tell me you're headed to the

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Speaker 3: grocery store and ask if I want to add anything

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Speaker 3: to the list. That's communication, but it's not necessarily connection.

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Speaker 3: And so I think that, So how.

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Speaker 2: Can that kind of communication be augmented or updated into connection?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: From what I was, from what I've seen and read,

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Speaker 3: it's really about staying like emotionally reachable, like our hearts

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Speaker 3: are open to each other and we're still connecting in

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Speaker 3: the conversation. Like we don't check our emotions at the door.

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Speaker 3: We still notice things and check in like I mean, okay,

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Speaker 3: you going to the grocery store, Like you might get

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Speaker 3: me something that's not even on the list because you've

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Speaker 3: been noticing or hearing that I mentioned something, and so

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Speaker 3: there that kind of logistic thing can turn into a

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Speaker 3: connection point because you brought something home that you you

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Speaker 3: made note of, like.

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Speaker 2: A special piece of cat furniture for example.

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Speaker 3: Yes that's not from the grocery store, but yes that

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Speaker 3: cleans up our room.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think things like that.

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Speaker 3: You know, couples who stand emotionally close aren't necessarily the

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Speaker 3: ones who talk the most.

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Speaker 1: I think they're the ones that make the most of

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Speaker 1: their talking.

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Speaker 2: Well that makes sense, that's good.

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Speaker 3: And I don't think so it doesn't have to be

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Speaker 3: like intense, serious conversations where we sit on.

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Speaker 1: The couch and we stare at each other.

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Speaker 2: It could be, though, it could be.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Sometimes it's like small things like asking better questions,

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Speaker 3: or putting our phones down, or listening instead of waiting

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Speaker 3: for our turn to talk, which is something we've talked

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Speaker 3: about on the podcast recently as well, And I think

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Speaker 3: it sets kind of the emotional climate, which is a

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Speaker 3: big deal. I know, if we're getting along, any challenge

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Speaker 3: feels way less daunting daunting, you know, than if there's

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Speaker 3: tension between us. So, you know, meaningful communication isn't about

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Speaker 3: having perfect conversations. It's really just about keeping our hearts

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Speaker 3: open to the other person.

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Speaker 1: Well, let's take another.

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Speaker 3: Break, but when we come back, we'll share one more

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Speaker 3: rhythm we can practice as couples. So we are talking

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Speaker 3: about three rhythms that we can practice with couples, and

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Speaker 3: the last one might be the most important one.

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Speaker 2: Okay, let's talk about it.

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Speaker 1: And this is accountability and repair.

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Speaker 3: So as we've talked about, like you know, long marriages

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Speaker 3: usually don't break up because of one big thing or

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Speaker 3: one big blowout. They slowly weaken because of little moments

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Speaker 3: that never quite get fixed. Like, we all hurt each

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Speaker 3: other sometimes, and that's not the issue. It's really what

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Speaker 3: happens after we hurt each other. You know, over time,

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Speaker 3: we can either get better at coming back together or

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Speaker 3: we can get better at building quiet distance.

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Speaker 2: Quiet distance.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that sounds rough, I know, right well, and we've

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Speaker 3: talked about like, okay, accountability is really about taking responsibility

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Speaker 3: for our own attitudes, words, and actions when we've heard

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Speaker 3: each other.

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Speaker 1: That's pretty straightforward.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, But I think, as I've said on the podcast before,

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Speaker 3: repair is more of a new concept for me in

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Speaker 3: the last couple of years.

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Speaker 2: Right, what would that look like?

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Speaker 3: Well, Doctor John Gottman defines repair as any statement or action,

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Speaker 3: silly or otherwise that keeps negativity from escalating out of control.

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Speaker 2: Okay, that sounds important.

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Speaker 3: So repair doesn't have to be dramatic. Sometimes it's an apology.

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Speaker 3: Sometimes it's humor. Sometimes it's just saying, hey, I don't

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Speaker 3: want things to be tense between us. So I think

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Speaker 3: sometimes like say our conversation, we're having a conversation and

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Speaker 3: it's starting to get weird, or it's starting to start

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Speaker 3: to hear really negative, if one of us kind of

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Speaker 3: turns it in a more lighthearted way or redirects or

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Speaker 3: instead of digging into whatever is going on, is like okay, yeah.

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Speaker 1: Let me think about that, or yeah, let's talk about

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Speaker 1: that later.

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Speaker 3: You know, things like that that keep it from getting

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Speaker 3: further and further into the negative and hurtful. Right.

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Speaker 2: And it's not a like, we're not encouraging a flippant

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Speaker 2: sort of response or making the light of a situation,

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Speaker 2: but just helping the not devolve into like, like you said,

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Speaker 2: the cycle of negativity.

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Speaker 3: Right. And if I remember correctly, it's been a while

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Speaker 3: since I read Gotman's like seven, I don't have relationship tips.

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Speaker 3: I can't remember the name of the book, but if

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Speaker 3: you look for it on Google, right, or Amazon, you'll

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Speaker 3: find it.

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Speaker 1: This is a lot helpful.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, and he said, I think repair is one

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Speaker 3: indicator of the couples who are more likely to have

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Speaker 3: a happy, successful marriage because that they can practice repair.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so you entered on the most important of the three, right, Okay, good.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think one thing that's really helpful in

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Speaker 3: this area is also realizing that people need different kinds

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Speaker 3: of apologies, which is something doctor Gary Chapman talks about.

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Speaker 3: You know, some people need to hear regret, some people

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Speaker 3: need change behavior, some need reassurance. And when we learn, yeah,

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Speaker 3: when we learn what kind of what constitutes a genuine

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Speaker 3: and apology to our spouse, it helps us better take

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Speaker 3: accountability and practice repair.

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Speaker 1: I think when things are going south.

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Speaker 2: Excellent.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, all right.

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Speaker 3: Well to recap here are three rhythms that don't just

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Speaker 3: matter when you're newlyweds, but might matter even more the

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Speaker 3: longer you're married. One shared connection rituals, two meaningful communication,

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Speaker 3: and three accountability and repair, which brings us to this

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Speaker 3: week's US Time challenge. So we're going to take a short.

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Speaker 1: Break and when we come back we'll share that.

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Speaker 3: So this week for our US Time Challenge, we want

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Speaker 3: you to have an honest conversation about with your spouse

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Speaker 3: about whether you might be drifting into autopilot in any

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Speaker 3: area of your marriage. And this might take a little

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Speaker 3: bit of time to figure out because if it's a pattern,

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Speaker 3: it might feel normal and you might not even realize

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Speaker 3: that's what it is, or you might realize and your

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Speaker 3: spouse might not, or they might realize and you might not.

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Speaker 3: So then together, decide on one small shared connection ritual

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Speaker 3: you want to add this week, and it doesn't have

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Speaker 3: to be big or complicated.

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Speaker 1: It just has to be something you're doing on purpose.

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Speaker 1: That's the big word here, do it on purpose.

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Speaker 2: So we need to find a time that's available for

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Speaker 2: us go on a date. Yes, that's our that's our

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Speaker 2: US time challenge. We find it, find a date night

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Speaker 2: and eat food together, and eat food together and talk

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Speaker 2: about this. That's good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah cool?

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Speaker 3: All right, Well, thanks for joining us on the Team

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Speaker 3: US podcast. We're looking forward to next time as we

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Speaker 3: keep talking about how grace, commitment, and cooperation can help

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Speaker 3: couples live the everyday moments of marriage together.

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Speaker 4: Team US with Ted and Ashley Slater is a production

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Speaker 4: of live audio and sale media. If you like what

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Speaker 4: you heard today, please take a second to rate and

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Speaker 4: review the podcast in your favorite podcast app so that

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Speaker 4: more listeners like you can find the show. For more

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Speaker 4: faith filled inspirational podcasts, visit us at live audio out

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Speaker 4: dot com.

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Speaker 3: H