WEBVTT - Stop Overthinking Your Marriage: The C.A.R.E. Method that Builds Consistency 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:07.560 Life Audio. What have you been doing in your marriage 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.520 that you feel like it's just not working? Maybe you're like, 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:15.840 you know what, I've decided to watch my tone. My 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:18.480 spouse told me that my tone can be harsh, and 0:00:18.560 --> 0:00:20.840 so this is something that I'm committing to doing. But 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:23.439 they're still treating me the same way. They're still picking 0:00:23.480 --> 0:00:25.760 fights with me, or they don't even recognize that I've 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:27.880 changed my tone. Why am I going through all this 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:29.960 trouble if they don't even recognize it, if they don't 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:35.320 even appreciate it, Keep doing it, Keep planting those seats, 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:43.760 because over time you will see a transformation. Hey hey everyone, 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:46.400 it's Dana se and you're listening to the Rebuilding US 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:50.960 Marriage podcast. I am so stoked today you guys, because 0:00:50.960 --> 0:00:54.560 it is our four hundredth episode. Can you believe that 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:59.880 four hundred episodes in I remember when I started this podcast, 0:01:00.040 --> 0:01:02.920 and the summer of twenty twenty. It was in COVID, 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:05.920 and I really I didn't start the podcast because I 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:08.240 was bored. I didn't start it because I just needed 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:10.440 one more thing on my plate. I really started this 0:01:10.520 --> 0:01:13.920 podcast because I found myself saying some of the same 0:01:14.000 --> 0:01:17.480 things over and over to some of my clients, and 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:19.680 I thought, you know, there's got to be a more 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:22.000 efficient way to do this. I really want to find 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:25.120 a way to resource myself so that I can just 0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:27.800 tell one of my clients, Hey, go listen to episode ten, 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:30.560 or go listen to episode five. And to be honest, 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:33.679 I never started off thinking I would be six years 0:01:33.760 --> 0:01:38.920 in four hundred episodes in but here we are. This 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:41.960 is such a blessing and it really is such a 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:47.000 testimony because, to be honest, I am not necessarily somebody 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:53.280 who is very consistent with things. And I'll say it 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:55.960 like this, I love starting things. You may have heard 0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:57.640 me say this on the show before if you've been 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:00.800 listening for a while. John Acuff has written several books, 0:02:00.800 --> 0:02:03.160 and one of his books is called Start, and the 0:02:03.200 --> 0:02:06.760 other book is called Finish Well Start. That's like me, right, 0:02:06.840 --> 0:02:09.959 Like I love starting things. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a launcher. 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:13.560 I love the idea of something fresh and new, especially 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:15.840 if I can get my hands in on like the 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:18.880 ground level of it. I am a visionary. I love 0:02:19.040 --> 0:02:25.720 launching things. Finishing, on the other hand, eh, not so exciting, right, 0:02:26.120 --> 0:02:29.520 And so there can be times that I find myself 0:02:29.639 --> 0:02:33.200 like Super Gung Ho, really energetic about something in the beginning, 0:02:33.520 --> 0:02:37.280 Hello weight loss Plan, but then three four, five, six 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:39.360 weeks in, I'm bored and I'm ready to move on 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:41.840 to something else. And so I wanted to have this 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:46.560 conversation about consistency and marriage because I believe that there 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:49.200 are many of you who you are going through the 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:51.840 motions in your marriage. Maybe you're doing all the things 0:02:51.880 --> 0:02:54.600 that you know how to do, You're trying your best 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:57.400 right to do what you know that you need to do, 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:01.880 but for some reason, you find yourself struggling to be consistent. 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:05.440 And when I stay consistent, I don't mean the big 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:11.120 grand gestures. I really mean those small, everyday things that 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:14.960 add up over time. So just to be sure that 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:17.000 we're all on the same page, I want to give 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:21.280 you a definition for consistency because maybe you think, hey, 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:23.720 if I've been doing something for six months and I quit, 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:26.839 that's consistent. I mean, how many of you have had 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:30.360 more than five jobs in your adult life? How many 0:03:30.360 --> 0:03:34.040 of you have lived in more than ten homes in 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:36.480 your adult life? Right? You? Maybe you move around from 0:03:36.480 --> 0:03:38.840 place to place to place, or you jump around from 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:42.120 job to job to job. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, 0:03:42.840 --> 0:03:45.960 but I do think there's something to be said of 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:47.880 when you can meet someone and they're like, we've been 0:03:47.880 --> 0:03:50.120 married for forty three years. I met a lady at 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:53.240 church recently and she got my book and she was like, 0:03:53.280 --> 0:03:55.880 you know, I got your book even though I've been 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:57.920 married for over forty years. And she was like, it 0:03:58.000 --> 0:04:00.920 is so good. I am learning new things about my 0:04:00.960 --> 0:04:03.200 marriage every day. That's the kind of marriage that I 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:05.040 want to be in. I want to be in forty 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:08.680 years and still be learning and still be growing. There 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.040 are certain people who maybe they've been married for forty 0:04:11.040 --> 0:04:12.960 three years, or they've been on their job for thirty 0:04:13.000 --> 0:04:15.520 eight years, or they've lived at the same house, they've 0:04:15.560 --> 0:04:18.960 had the same address for twenty five years. I just 0:04:18.960 --> 0:04:22.080 think there's something really special about that. Let me just 0:04:22.120 --> 0:04:26.320 give you this definition of consistency. It is reliable day 0:04:26.360 --> 0:04:30.640 to day practices of trust, commitment, and affection that builds 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:35.760 a secure and long lasting bond. This is specific to relationships. 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:39.080 So if you are in a relationship, let's say you've 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:43.000 been married for ten years and there's a lack of affection, 0:04:43.320 --> 0:04:45.520 or there's a lack of trust, or there's a lack 0:04:45.560 --> 0:04:49.360 of commitment. This episode is hopefully going to encourage you 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:52.720 to start doing some of those small things to rebuild 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:56.960 the consistency, which will also then rebuild the trust and 0:04:57.040 --> 0:05:01.800 the commitment in your marriage. So, just in case you're 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:03.800 new here, let me just give you kind of a 0:05:03.880 --> 0:05:07.479 quick rundown of me and Sean's story. Sean and I 0:05:07.480 --> 0:05:11.000 met as children. We were probably five and eight years 0:05:11.040 --> 0:05:13.279 old at the time when we got married, or when 0:05:13.279 --> 0:05:16.440 we got married, oh my goodness. When we met each other, 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:20.000 we went to the same church. My sister was actually 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.640 in Shawn's class at school, so my sister and Seawan 0:05:22.680 --> 0:05:24.760 were friends. And I was just like the little sister, 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.960 little kid's sister, right, And I knew Sean. I knew 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.640 about him, but I wasn't interested in him. Now, if 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:33.800 you ask him, he will tell you that I came 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:35.640 up to him and gave him this kiss when I 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.120 was like five years old. Now that technically could be true, 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:40.800 because I did kiss boys, like really early in my life. 0:05:40.880 --> 0:05:44.599 It's under the blood, praise God. But I don't remember that, okay, 0:05:44.600 --> 0:05:46.240 But he remembers it. He tells it like you know, 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:48.720 it happened to him yesterday. But in any case, we 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.080 knew each other just kind of, you know, around the way. 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:54.720 We were friends at church, and we grew up, went 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:57.960 to different schools and lost touch. His family ended up 0:05:57.960 --> 0:06:01.040 going to a different church, and I didn't Sean for years. 0:06:01.480 --> 0:06:04.960 When I was in ninth grade, he was a junior 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.279 in high school. He came to our school, and we 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:09.200 had a small, little private school, so I mean, like, 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:11.480 you're talking less than two hundred kids in the whole school, 0:06:11.600 --> 0:06:13.640 So of course we're going to know each other. So 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:17.000 we kind of, you know, got reacclimated. And that year, 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.400 I was liking his friend, he was liking my friend. 0:06:19.680 --> 0:06:21.479 I was supposed to be setting him up with my friend. 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:23.200 He was supposed to be setting me up with his friend. 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:26.279 Y'all know how that goes. And neither of those relationships 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:29.320 worked out. So the next year, my sophomore year, his 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:33.720 senior year, we were like, oh, well, hello there, and 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:38.679 we started dating. And we dated throughout my two years 0:06:38.720 --> 0:06:40.680 in high school, kind of off and all because you know, 0:06:40.800 --> 0:06:44.160 high school relationships. But when I graduated high school, we 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:47.760 were like, you know, super serious, super committed, and we knew, okay, 0:06:47.760 --> 0:06:49.360 we're going to get married. So I was going to 0:06:49.440 --> 0:06:51.120 go to college. I was, you know, have my whole 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:53.960 five year plan ahead of me, Well, go off to 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:56.919 college our first semester or my first semester, because he 0:06:56.920 --> 0:06:59.280 had already been in college. But my first semester in 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:02.920 college I gets pregnant. That was not a part of 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:06.840 my five year plan. And so we realized, Okay, what 0:07:06.880 --> 0:07:08.480 are we going to do. We know we're going to 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.040 get married eventually, so what are we going to do. 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.680 The churches that we attended at the time were very 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:17.600 much old school, like, if you get pregnant, you will 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:20.800 get married. And the pastor who married us literally told 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:22.800 us if you don't get married, you're going to break up, 0:07:23.200 --> 0:07:26.520 like he was giving us our choice. So we thought, okay, 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.200 well we obviously don't want to break up, so let's 0:07:29.240 --> 0:07:31.680 just get married. So we got married at eighteen and 0:07:31.760 --> 0:07:34.920 twenty one. I do not recommend, okay, if you are 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:37.200 eighteen or twenty one, or if you have children who 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.960 are eighteen and twenty one thinking about getting married, Listen, listen. 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:44.960 I do not recommend, okay, you do not know anything 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:48.320 about anything when you were eighteen and twenty one. I 0:07:48.360 --> 0:07:50.880 think that we should have waited. I think we should 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.920 have graduated college first, We should have figured it out. 0:07:53.960 --> 0:07:56.040 But anyway, that's neither he nor there. God worked it 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:58.400 all out. We got married. We've been married for almost 0:07:58.440 --> 0:08:01.800 twenty seven years. In our marriage though, and if you've 0:08:01.800 --> 0:08:04.440 listened to any of these episodes, you get, you know, 0:08:04.680 --> 0:08:07.560 little taste of kind of the struggles that we experience 0:08:07.600 --> 0:08:10.600 in our marriage. And a big part of that was 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:14.640 we were not consistent with anything. We would start something, 0:08:14.800 --> 0:08:19.400 we would stop, we would try something, we would figure well, 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:22.800 that didn work, we'd stop, We go to therapy, we'd stop, 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.360 we find a new therapist, we'd quit. Like, we were 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:30.000 just not consistent in any area. And I think for me, 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:34.480 what really changed was when I decided I am going 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:38.360 to just decide to do something and just follow it through. Now. 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:40.920 Earlier I told you that I'm not super consistent in 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:43.360 some areas of my life, but then there are other 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:47.719 areas of my life where I am super disciplined, laser focused, 0:08:47.960 --> 0:08:51.440 very consistent. So for whatever reason, I can like turn 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:53.760 this on and off. And maybe you're like that too, 0:08:53.800 --> 0:08:56.840 And maybe like if you are a fitness trainer or 0:08:56.880 --> 0:08:59.360 you're like really into nutrition, you are like gung ho. 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:02.400 That's me like, I am gung ho completely there right, 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:06.160 But then in other areas I'm like, eh Ugh, you 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:09.680 know what I want you to know today is that 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:13.079 if your relationship is going to go from just kind 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:18.480 of ho hum drum mundane average, Yeah, we get along, 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:20.680 but things aren't great. If you're going to go from 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:26.040 that to having a wonderful, exceptional, amazing marriage which you 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:30.240 can have, friend you can have, that, you are going 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.960 to have to decide to be consistent. So I'm going 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:37.520 to give you a very simple framework, and you can 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:41.319 apply this framework today in your marriage. And I'm telling you, 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:44.079 if you apply it today, you are going to see 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:48.360 changes right away, but you have to be consistent in 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:50.720 doing it. Okay, I'm going to give you that framework, 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:52.920 but first we have to take a quick break for 0:09:53.080 --> 0:09:55.920 a word from our sponsor. If you have not already 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:58.720 subscribed or followed the podcast, be sure to do that 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.760 right now. I would love if you would write a 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:05.240 review for the podcast, either on Apple or Spotify. Let 0:10:05.240 --> 0:10:07.280 people know how much the show means to you. It 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:09.800 also helped them to be able to find the show, 0:10:09.920 --> 0:10:15.720 So don't go anywhere it We'll be right back. Most 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:19.960 marriages aren't falling apart, they're being refined. Tried and True 0:10:20.120 --> 0:10:22.800 is a scripture based marriage guide for couples who want 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:28.000 a resilient, faith filled marriage, especially in seasons that feel ordinary, difficult, 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:32.559 or stretched through twelve and perfect biblical marriages. This book 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:37.120 shows how God uses trials to strengthen connection, not destroy it. 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:41.319 Learn more at Tried and truemarriagebook dot com or find 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:48.120 Tried and True everywhere books are sold. All right, friends, 0:10:48.200 --> 0:10:52.240 we are back. We are talking about consistency in marriage. 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:57.720 One of my favorite scriptures is in Second Corinthians, chapter five, 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.440 verse seven. Shawn and I actually have this wall in 0:11:00.480 --> 0:11:03.040 our room. So every morning when I wake up, it's 0:11:03.160 --> 0:11:06.040 literally the first thing that I see, unless Sean's like 0:11:06.080 --> 0:11:10.080 staring at me in my face. But there's wall hanging 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:12.560 that is on our wall. And it's the scripture second 0:11:12.600 --> 0:11:15.120 Crimpeans five to seven, which says for we walk by 0:11:15.240 --> 0:11:18.600 faith and not by sight. And I think about that 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:22.040 in so many areas of my life, because we humans 0:11:22.080 --> 0:11:25.760 are prone to want to see something first before we 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:28.840 believe it, right, I mean, think about it. If you 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:31.960 start a nutrition plan, you start working out, what do 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:34.160 you have to get on? You got to get on 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:38.240 that scale and you're like, okay, I'm one hundred and 0:11:38.280 --> 0:11:40.559 fifty pounds. For example, all right, I'm one hundred and 0:11:40.600 --> 0:11:43.040 fifty pounds. I want to lose ten pounds. So you 0:11:43.080 --> 0:11:46.000 start eating right, you start working out, and then you 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:49.000 keep getting on that scale because you want to see 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:52.640 if this is really working. Let alone, your clothes are 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:55.680 fitting a little looser. Let alone, you have more energy 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:59.360 than you've had in years. You want to see something, 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.160 and this is just how we are wired as humans. 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:07.000 We want to see something before we will believe it that. 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.840 This is why that scripture for we walk by faith 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:13.840 and not by sight is so important because if you 0:12:14.080 --> 0:12:17.600 keep looking at what you see, you are going to 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:22.960 stay discouraged. You might be planting seeds in your marriage, 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:26.080 and so might your spouse. But guess what, it takes 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:29.720 time for seeds to grow. You're not going to see 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:34.000 it overnight. So if you're looking for seeds overnight, you're 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:36.840 going to stay discouraged, and then you're going to give 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:38.520 up and you're going to say, well, that didn't work. 0:12:38.920 --> 0:12:43.240 It is working. It just needs time to work. And 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:45.960 this is why the clients that I have when they're 0:12:45.960 --> 0:12:48.560 in marriage coaching. I always tell them, listen, this is 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:53.160 the beginning of your transformation. Your marriage is not going 0:12:53.200 --> 0:12:56.080 to just change overnight because you decided to sign up 0:12:56.080 --> 0:13:00.760 for marriage coaching. It works, and I have test stimonials 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:05.440 upon testimonials upon testimonials that shows that this works. But 0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:10.120 it's going to take some time with any and everything 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:13.360 in life, anything that we start out doing, unless you 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.960 have like plastic surgery, but even that there's a recovery 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:19.880 time and your scars have to fade. I mean, even 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:22.200 that still takes time. Right, So you could take the 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:25.600 easy way out, quote unquote, or you can keep eating 0:13:25.679 --> 0:13:28.679 right and keep working out and then trust that in 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:31.559 time you're going to see those results. But don't give 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.240 up just because you don't see any results. Okay, there's 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.360 some free fitness advice for those of you all who 0:13:36.400 --> 0:13:39.800 need it, But let's talk about your marriage. What have 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:42.400 you been doing in your marriage that you feel like 0:13:42.520 --> 0:13:45.960 it's just not working. Maybe you're like, you know what, 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:50.680 I've decided to watch my tone. My spouse told me 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:53.040 that my tone can be harsh, and so this is 0:13:53.040 --> 0:13:55.600 something that I'm committing to doing. But they're still treating 0:13:55.640 --> 0:13:58.000 me the same way. They're still picking fights with me, 0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:00.680 or they don't even recognize that I've changed my tone. 0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:02.520 Why am I going through all this trouble If they 0:14:02.520 --> 0:14:04.880 don't even recognize it, if they don't even appreciate it, 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:11.040 keep doing it, Keep planting those seeds, because over time 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:15.600 you will see a transformation. Okay, so let me give 0:14:15.640 --> 0:14:18.360 you this framework. This is going to be something you're 0:14:18.400 --> 0:14:20.240 gonna be like, why didn't I think of this earlier? 0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:22.960 I made this up, So if you use this, make 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.320 sure that you give me credit. Okay, I literally made 0:14:25.320 --> 0:14:27.800 this up. But I want you to think about what 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:30.720 are those small actions now. If you are a client 0:14:30.760 --> 0:14:32.640 of mine, if you've ever been through marriage coaching with me, 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:36.080 you know that I always recommend these five to ten 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:39.680 minute daily check ins. A check in is not the 0:14:39.760 --> 0:14:42.480 time for you to discuss bills. It is not the 0:14:42.480 --> 0:14:45.440 time for you to discuss vacation plans. It is not 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:48.640 the time even for you to discuss problems per se. 0:14:49.480 --> 0:14:53.040 A check in is simply you checking in on the 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:57.480 emotional health of your spouse. Hey, babe, how are you like? 0:14:57.640 --> 0:15:00.920 What's going on in your world today? This new exciting 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:04.000 thing happened to you today? Was there anything hard that 0:15:04.040 --> 0:15:07.000 happened to you today. This is you simply checking in 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:10.120 with each other to find out where you are. It's 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:14.080 a little place of connection. Now, should you be having 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:16.720 longer conversations, yes, Should you be going on your date 0:15:16.800 --> 0:15:18.840 nights or date lunches, yes, you should be doing all 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.720 those things. But a daily check in really should be 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:26.360 a non negotiable in your marriage. Everybody has five to 0:15:26.400 --> 0:15:28.880 ten minutes, and if you don't friend, you should not 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:31.960 be married. I'm so sorry. If you don't have five 0:15:32.200 --> 0:15:35.360 or ten minutes that you can devote to just checking 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:39.520 in with your spouse, something is seriously wrong. Okay, so 0:15:40.040 --> 0:15:42.920 these check ins are where we're going to start. Let 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:45.760 me give you the framework. It's simply the acronym care. 0:15:46.240 --> 0:15:49.760 If you know me, you know I love acronyms and alliteration. 0:15:49.880 --> 0:15:54.280 But anyway, that's another story. Care c are. This is 0:15:54.320 --> 0:15:58.680 the acronym. So the C is your check in every 0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:03.840 single day, five to ten minutes. It's easiest if you 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.160 can do it the same time every day. So some 0:16:07.200 --> 0:16:09.440 couples will call this pillow talk. Right, it's at the 0:16:09.520 --> 0:16:12.280 end of every night you just check in with one another. 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:13.760 You say, hey, what was the best part of your 0:16:13.840 --> 0:16:16.160 day to day or did you have a good day today? 0:16:16.200 --> 0:16:18.480 How are you today? You know you check in with 0:16:18.600 --> 0:16:22.480 each other why because you care about this person that 0:16:22.560 --> 0:16:26.320 you married, and because you should be curious and interested 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.800 in this person that you married. So maybe you don't 0:16:29.800 --> 0:16:31.680 do it at night during pillow talk. Maybe you do 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:34.280 it during your lunch break. You call each other at 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:36.680 the start of your lunch break and you talk for 0:16:36.840 --> 0:16:40.160 five minutes before you go eat. Or maybe it's in 0:16:40.200 --> 0:16:42.760 the morning as soon as you wake up you say, Hey, 0:16:43.000 --> 0:16:46.960 what are you expecting God to do today? Or what 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:49.800 exciting things do you have going on at work today? 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:53.080 Or is there anything I can pray for you about today? 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:54.760 Whatever it might be. Maybe it's going to be in 0:16:54.840 --> 0:16:59.440 the morning. But devote the same time, if possible, every 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:03.480 single day to just checking in with one another. Again, 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:05.959 the whole purpose of the check in is just I 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.080 care about you. I just want to know what's going 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:10.679 on in your world. That's it, Okay, So that's the 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:17.560 se The A and care is affection. Every single day 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:22.080 you should be showing your spouse some form of affection. 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:27.120 And usually when I say affection, I mean physical affection. Okay, 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:29.840 this could be a hug. This can be a kiss. 0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.440 This can be a squeeze of the shoulder, a tap 0:17:32.480 --> 0:17:36.080 on the butt. It can be I put my leg 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:38.320 on top of your leg. It can be I put 0:17:38.320 --> 0:17:41.440 my cheek beside your cheek. I mean, be creative, right, 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:45.760 but show your spouse some affection. Now. I know you 0:17:45.840 --> 0:17:48.280 might be thinking, well, I'm not a very affectionate person, 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:51.240 or maybe my spouse isn't very affectionate. That's not really 0:17:51.280 --> 0:17:57.639 how our marriage works. Every human being needs touch, every 0:17:57.920 --> 0:18:01.320 single one of us. So you don't have to kiss 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:06.240 for ten minutes, okay, But a peck, a hug, a 0:18:06.359 --> 0:18:11.240 shoulder squeeze, a butterfly kiss, you know, you put your 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:14.680 eyelash on their cheeks. Something we can all do this 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:21.720 every single day. Shows some form of physical affection. Now, 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.000 if you're not together, if one spouse in the military, 0:18:24.040 --> 0:18:26.280 somebody's deployed you or out of town, get it, got it? 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:30.359 Then you can do non physical forms of affection, such 0:18:30.440 --> 0:18:34.480 as sending a sweet note, a text message, sending flowers, 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:38.040 doing something like that. But let me just encourage you 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:42.760 to go for the physical forms of affection first and 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:46.520 save the non physical forms of affection. If you cannot 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:52.440 be together physically. Why because again we have so discounted 0:18:52.600 --> 0:18:56.040 the need for physical touch. It is so important. Do 0:18:56.080 --> 0:19:00.720 you think it's by chance that babies can act die 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:05.880 if they are not held and touched. We're just big babies, 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:08.360 you guys, Like we're the same people. We just grew up. 0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:15.000 We still need touch. So don't underestimate how powerful a 0:19:15.160 --> 0:19:18.560 hug is. I have an episode on here called do 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:22.280 you Need to be hug heard or Helped? And the 0:19:22.400 --> 0:19:24.920 hugging part. So many people have written into me and said, 0:19:24.920 --> 0:19:27.280 you know what, I never thought about how powerful it 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:32.320 is to just hug my spouse. When I was away 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:36.040 this week out a speaking engagement, and I brought my 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:38.720 books with me, and so one of the ladies who 0:19:38.720 --> 0:19:40.240 had bought the books, she came up to me and 0:19:40.280 --> 0:19:42.480 she said, can I give you a hug? And now 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:45.000 I don't know this lady from Adam, right, and I'm like, absolutely, 0:19:45.040 --> 0:19:47.160 I'm a big hugger anyway, sure, bring it in right. 0:19:47.640 --> 0:19:51.879 So she gives me the longest hug, like it was 0:19:52.000 --> 0:19:54.639 like one of those hugs that was just like no 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:57.600 words needed to be said, but I knew everything that 0:19:57.640 --> 0:20:00.320 she meant in that hug and she ended up telling 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:02.679 me she was like girl, She said, I read the 0:20:02.680 --> 0:20:04.880 first three chapters of your book last night, and let 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:08.760 me tell you something. It was everything I needed, everything 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:10.879 I needed. You have no idea, She kept saying, you 0:20:10.920 --> 0:20:12.680 have no idea, You have no idea. She just kept 0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:14.359 saying that over and over and over, and I'm just 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:16.280 hugging her back, hugging her back, and I was like, 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:18.440 praise the Lord, Like I didn't know what to say. 0:20:18.480 --> 0:20:21.560 Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord. You know, but the 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:25.439 power of a hug, the power of human connection in 0:20:25.520 --> 0:20:31.239 that way cannot be over exaggerated. So the A is 0:20:31.320 --> 0:20:37.439 for affection, Okay. The R in our care acronym is reassurance. 0:20:38.640 --> 0:20:42.919 Every day you need to make it your priority to 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:46.680 reassure your spouse, to reassure them of what, to reassure 0:20:46.720 --> 0:20:50.240 them that you love them, that you want them, that 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:54.240 you need them, that you chose them. And you don't 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:56.080 have to go up to them and say I chose you, 0:20:56.600 --> 0:20:58.720 I want you, I need you. You don't have to 0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:01.520 do that, but you can. You can say these things 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:04.520 and ways that are creative to you, that sound natural 0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:07.199 to you. You could say something like babe, I am 0:21:07.280 --> 0:21:11.880 so glad that we got married. I love the life 0:21:11.880 --> 0:21:13.840 that we build. I tell Sean that all the time. Sean, 0:21:13.920 --> 0:21:17.760 I loved this life that we're building. You can say 0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:21.119 I am so grateful for you, and I am so 0:21:21.400 --> 0:21:26.080 thankful for this family that we have. I wouldn't want 0:21:26.080 --> 0:21:31.359 to be anywhere else, or those powerful three words, I 0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:34.879 love you. How often do you tell your spouse that 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:37.439 you love them or do you just assume they know. 0:21:38.359 --> 0:21:41.920 I told them a couple of years ago that nothing's changed. 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:47.600 They probably need to hear it regularly. So some of 0:21:47.640 --> 0:21:49.520 you maybe just need to start there. Just start with 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:51.960 telling each other that you love each other every day 0:21:52.800 --> 0:21:56.159 and don't do like the loya or loveya. Yeah, what 0:21:56.240 --> 0:21:59.440 about like I love you? So funny story is a 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:01.600 few years ago when I was working at the church 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:05.440 and one of our pastors he was like, I was 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:07.440 walking through the office and he was talking to somebody 0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:09.119 else and they were kind of like giggling, right, and 0:22:09.160 --> 0:22:11.640