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Speaker 1: Life Audio. Hi there, It's Dana sche and welcome to

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Speaker 1: the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast. Y'all. I sound so congestive

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Speaker 1: right now, because I really am. I was doing so well.

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Speaker 1: I was doing so well. We made it almost three

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Speaker 1: months into twenty twenty six and I had not been sick.

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Speaker 1: And then Sean lovingly shared his little viral germs with

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Speaker 1: me the other day and I said, you know, there's

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Speaker 1: no way that I can record an entire podcast episode

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Speaker 1: sounding like this. So we are going to run one

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Speaker 1: of my favorite all time episodes ever. It was originally

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Speaker 1: recorded back in June of twenty twenty four, and it

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Speaker 1: was called do you need a Hug? Do you need help?

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Speaker 1: Or do you need to be Heard? I love this episode.

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Speaker 1: This advice was actually given to me by one of

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Speaker 1: my clients, and it has really helped me out in

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Speaker 1: my life, and I hope that it helps you out

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Speaker 1: in your life. And so, without any further ado, we

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Speaker 1: are going to jump right into our sweet repeat, and

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Speaker 1: I really hope that you all take this advice to heart.

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Speaker 1: Don't just listen to this advice, but start to implement

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Speaker 1: it into your relationships and into your conversations. All right,

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Speaker 1: here we go. I'm so happy to have you on

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Speaker 1: this episode today as we talk about something that actually

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Speaker 1: I learned from one of my clients. Now, before I

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Speaker 1: even get into the meat of this episode, I'm just

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Speaker 1: gonna let you guys know upfront, I am very emotional

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Speaker 1: right now. I'm going to do my best to get

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Speaker 1: through this podcast without crying. But I didn't want to

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Speaker 1: just delay. I didn't want to wait several days to

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Speaker 1: do this episode because what I'm sharing with you all

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Speaker 1: today is really really fresh for me. Yesterday, we had

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Speaker 1: to put our dog of fourteen years down. His name

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Speaker 1: was Cash, and Cash has been such a huge part

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Speaker 1: of our family. My children have known him practically their

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Speaker 1: whole lives, especially my fifteen year old, and over the

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Speaker 1: last couple of days, you know, we knew that this

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Speaker 1: day was coming, but it just happened, and we're still

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Speaker 1: kind of reeling and really just trying to grasp the

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Speaker 1: magnitude I think of his absence. And so right before

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Speaker 1: I hit record, I had just come in from running

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Speaker 1: some errands and his little place is empty where he

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Speaker 1: is normally at in the house, and I just stood

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Speaker 1: there for a long time, just staring at that empty

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Speaker 1: space and It's been such an interesting process, I think

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Speaker 1: because you know, I've lost humans like I've lost people

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Speaker 1: in my life, but I did not expect for the

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Speaker 1: loss of my animal, my pet, to be the same.

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Speaker 1: And I am not exaggerating when I say it is

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Speaker 1: the same. If you have ever lost a family pet,

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Speaker 1: you know the level of grief. And so the fact

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Speaker 1: that I am even attempting to do this podcast right now,

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Speaker 1: We'll see how it goes. But I wanted to talk

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Speaker 1: to you all about a topic that is so precious

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Speaker 1: to me right now, because again, this is what I

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Speaker 1: need from my family, from my friends, and it's also

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Speaker 1: teaching me how to be someone who gives the proper

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Speaker 1: support at the proper time. After we left the VET

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Speaker 1: and we had him euthanized, I sat in my car

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Speaker 1: with my daughter and we drove home in absolute silence.

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Speaker 1: My boys had come up there. They had a football

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Speaker 1: tournament they had to get to. We had to FaceTime

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Speaker 1: Sean because he was at work, so everybody was there

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Speaker 1: quote unquote when Cash took his last breath, and I'm

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Speaker 1: so glad that we were able to have that moment

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Speaker 1: as a family with him. But my daughter and I

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Speaker 1: drove home in complete silence, and I knew that I

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Speaker 1: was going to have to tell my friends and family,

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Speaker 1: and I texted some of them and I said, this

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Speaker 1: is what happened. I said, please do not call me.

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Speaker 1: And later on I thought, I hope I didn't sound rude,

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Speaker 1: but I did not want to be on the phone

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Speaker 1: rehashing the story and having people ask me how I

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Speaker 1: was and all of that. And again, if you've ever

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Speaker 1: lost someone, maybe you can relate to that. You don't

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Speaker 1: want to have to answer a whole bunch of questions.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to hear people's explanations, you don't want

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Speaker 1: to hear people's Bible verses, like you just don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk. So maybe you're going through a situation in

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Speaker 1: your life right now where you haven't physically lost an

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Speaker 1: animal or a human. You are not going through like

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Speaker 1: a death, a physical death. But maybe you're in a

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Speaker 1: situation where you are grieving the loss of a dream,

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Speaker 1: or the loss of a job, or the lof of

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Speaker 1: a relationship, or the loss of potential. There's something in

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Speaker 1: your life right now that you're grieving. There's something in

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Speaker 1: your life right now that you need support with, and

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Speaker 1: it's hard sometimes for us to be able to communicate

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Speaker 1: our needs to the people who love us. So one

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Speaker 1: day I was having a conversation with some clients of mine.

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Speaker 1: We were in a coaching session, and the husband actually

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Speaker 1: said to me, he said, I've started asking my wife

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Speaker 1: three questions. And I don't know where he got this from.

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Speaker 1: This wasn't his original thought, but he shared it with me,

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Speaker 1: and I told him, I said, I'm going to talk

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Speaker 1: about that on the podcast because it was so so

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Speaker 1: helpful for me in that moment, and it's been helpful

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Speaker 1: for me now. And so he said, I am asking

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Speaker 1: my wife. When my wife is going through something, when

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Speaker 1: she's hurting, when she's confused, when she needs support, I'm

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Speaker 1: asking her, do you want a hug, do you want help?

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Speaker 1: Or do you want me to hear y'all, that is

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Speaker 1: some incredible relationship advice. Do you want to hug, do

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Speaker 1: you want help? Or do you just want me to

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Speaker 1: hear you? And this is what I want to communicate

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Speaker 1: to those of you who are supporting people who are

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Speaker 1: going through difficult times. Those of you who are supporting people,

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Speaker 1: whether that be your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, a friend,

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Speaker 1: whomever it might be, when the person that you love

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Speaker 1: is in need of support, they need your help, but

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Speaker 1: they don't always need your help and the way that

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Speaker 1: you think that they need your help, or maybe in

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Speaker 1: the way that you want to give your help. So

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Speaker 1: I have a couple of people in my life who

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Speaker 1: are very worthy, who love giving advice, and those are

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Speaker 1: not the people that I usually call when I just

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Speaker 1: need to be loved on, when I just need just

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Speaker 1: to know that there's another human being in this earth

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Speaker 1: who cares about what I'm going through. Those are usually

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Speaker 1: not the people that I call. Not that they don't

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Speaker 1: mean well, not that I don't love them, not that

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Speaker 1: that I don't know that they love me, but that's

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Speaker 1: not what I need in that moment. So let's break

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Speaker 1: this down a little bit so that I can help

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Speaker 1: you as I'm helping myself to be a better friend,

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Speaker 1: to be a better wife, and also to communicate to

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Speaker 1: the people who love me what I need when I

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Speaker 1: need it. So the first thing is that we have

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Speaker 1: to learn how to be emotionally aware. Have you ever

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Speaker 1: been around somebody and you're like they have zero eq,

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Speaker 1: like they have absolutely no idea what is going on

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Speaker 1: in the hearts of the people in this room right now.

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Speaker 1: There are people who they don't know how to read

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Speaker 1: a room. They come into a room that's kind of

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Speaker 1: somber and they're like trying to be the life of

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Speaker 1: the party and it's so inappropriate, right And then there

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Speaker 1: are other people who we're in a celebratory moment and

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Speaker 1: then they come in the room and they bring the

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Speaker 1: whole mood down. Those folks have a very low EQ.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to be those folks. We want to

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Speaker 1: be people who are emotionally aware of what is going

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Speaker 1: on with the people that we love. And the best

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Speaker 1: way to do this is to close your mouth and

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Speaker 1: open up your senses, open up your eyes, open up

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Speaker 1: your ears, look and feel what's going on right now.

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Speaker 1: So if you're good at this, then you're the type

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Speaker 1: of person who you can look at your spouse or

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Speaker 1: your friend or your partner, whoever, and they don't even

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Speaker 1: have to say a word, but you know something's wrong

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Speaker 1: and you'll go, oh, no, what's wrong, what's up? You're

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Speaker 1: able to read people. That is an incredible tool to have.

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Speaker 1: It's incredibly valuable when you're building connection. So as we

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Speaker 1: are emotionally aware or becoming more emotionally aware, and we're

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Speaker 1: learning how to build deeper connections with the people that

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Speaker 1: we love. The first thing that we need to realize

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Speaker 1: is that we can't fix anybody's problem. As much as

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Speaker 1: we want to. We have great intentions, right we're like,

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Speaker 1: oh my goodness, if I could just h But you

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Speaker 1: can't fix anybody's problem. But what you can do is

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Speaker 1: learn how to support them as they need you to.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to break down these three ways in

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Speaker 1: just a moment. But before we do that, we have

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Speaker 1: to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor.

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Speaker 1: Don't go anywhere. As a matter of fact, go ahead

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Speaker 1: and subscribe to the podcast or follow the podcast at

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Speaker 1: this time if you have not already done so, we'll

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Speaker 1: be right back. Most marriages aren't falling apart, they're being refined.

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Speaker 1: Tried and True as a scripture based marriage guide for

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Speaker 1: couples who want a resilient, faith filled marriage, especially in

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Speaker 1: seasons that feel ordinary, difficult, or stretched through twelve and

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Speaker 1: perfect biblical marriages, this book shows how God uses trials

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Speaker 1: to strengthen connection, not destroy it. Learn more at Tried

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Speaker 1: and truemarriagebook dot com or find Tried and true everywhere

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Speaker 1: books are sold. All right, you guys, we're back. So

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Speaker 1: let's go ahead and jump into these three ways that

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Speaker 1: you can help support somebody in your life that you love. Okay,

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Speaker 1: now you're gonna hear me use the word spouse. Just

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Speaker 1: change that out for friend or partner or loved one

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Speaker 1: or whomever. If this does not relate to your spouse. However, obviously,

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Speaker 1: if you're married, this is some great marriage advice and

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Speaker 1: I really do want to encourage you to use this,

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Speaker 1: utilize this in your marriage because again, it's only going

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Speaker 1: to help you to build deeper connection. So let's talk

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Speaker 1: about hugs. When you see that your spouse or friend

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Speaker 1: or whomever is in need of support, you're going to

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Speaker 1: ask them. Remember our question, do you need a hug?

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Speaker 1: Do you need help? Or do you need to be heard?

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Speaker 1: That is the money question. So let's just say it

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Speaker 1: together so you can get used to it. Okay, I

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Speaker 1: want you to imagine somebody right now in your life

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Speaker 1: who you know that they're going to need your support,

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Speaker 1: or maybe they need your support right now, You're going

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Speaker 1: to ask them this. We'll say it together. Do you

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Speaker 1: need a hug? Do you need help? Or do you

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Speaker 1: need to be heard. I want you to start saying

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Speaker 1: that so much that it feels so natural coming off

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Speaker 1: of your tongue, because it doesn't make any sense for

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Speaker 1: me to tell you to do something if it doesn't

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Speaker 1: feel natural, if it feels like those aren't my words,

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Speaker 1: that's not how I talk. I would never say that.

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Speaker 1: And listen, you could swap out those words for other

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Speaker 1: words if you want. I like the alliteration. I love alliteration,

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Speaker 1: and it helps you to remember it. But if you

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Speaker 1: don't want to say do you want to hug? You know,

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Speaker 1: you might say do you want my presence? You know?

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Speaker 1: Do you want a solution? I mean, I don't know

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Speaker 1: you choose your words, but I think it's clear and

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Speaker 1: it's simple to just say, do you want to hug?

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Speaker 1: Do you need help? Or do you want to be heard?

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Speaker 1: So let's talk about hugs. I think that as couples,

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Speaker 1: we need to learn how to say less and hug more.

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Speaker 1: Sean just came in a little while ago, right before

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Speaker 1: I started recording, and he looked at my face and

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Speaker 1: he just gave me a hug. Y'all. That means so

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Speaker 1: much to me because that's what I need right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't need a bunch of words. I don't need

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Speaker 1: a bunch of questions. I just needed my husband's arms

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Speaker 1: around me. That's it. And when you hug somebody, there

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Speaker 1: is something that happens in the physical Not only do

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Speaker 1: they feel the warmth of your body, but there's actual

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Speaker 1: oxytocin and endorphins that are released in both people's bodies.

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Speaker 1: This is why. It builds connection. This is why. And

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Speaker 1: this sex saturated society that we live in where people

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Speaker 1: just have sex with strangers, they think that they're building

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Speaker 1: quote intimacy or they're being intimate with somebody, but it

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Speaker 1: seriously lacks intimacy. Most people who are having one night

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Speaker 1: stands and just sleeping around, they're not hugging. Their bodies

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Speaker 1: are coming together. But there's a difference when you just

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Speaker 1: hug someone. I remember a few years ago, the pastors

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Speaker 1: at our church, we all went through this pastoral training

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Speaker 1: on father wounds. And if you all know my story,

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Speaker 1: you know that I did not grow up with my

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Speaker 1: dad and that left a huge void in my life.

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Speaker 1: Had a stepfather and there was all kinds of dysfunction there.

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Speaker 1: And in this pastoral training, there was this older white

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Speaker 1: guy like just big guy, right, Like he just looked

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Speaker 1: like Santa Claus without all the beard and all the things,

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Speaker 1: but like that was what he reminded me of. And

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Speaker 1: he looked like somebody's grandpa who would just like bear

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Speaker 1: hug them, and you just felt so safe in his arms. Right.

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Speaker 1: So We're going through this training and I'm getting all

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Speaker 1: kinds of healing as I'm learning how to then provide

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Speaker 1: that same healing to the people that I minister to.

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Speaker 1: And at the end of all of that, I walked

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Speaker 1: up to this complete stranger. I don't know this man,

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Speaker 1: and I just simply said, can I have a hug?

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Speaker 1: And he reached down and it was everything. You guys,

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Speaker 1: It's like that was what I imagine if I had my

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Speaker 1: father here on this earth who loved me and took

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Speaker 1: care of me as a father should, That's what that

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Speaker 1: hug would have felt like. And I can't tell you

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Speaker 1: the healing that came in that moment for me getting

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Speaker 1: this hug from this complete stranger. Hugs are so incredibly valuable.

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Speaker 1: They communicate safety. When you hug your spouse, it communicates

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Speaker 1: to them that they're not alone. It also helps to

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Speaker 1: build trust. So just hug you don't have to say

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Speaker 1: anything if you ask your spouse this, Hey, babe, I

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Speaker 1: see that there's something going on, like do you need

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Speaker 1: a hug? I don't think that anyone's going to really

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Speaker 1: refuse a hug. So can we just all vow to

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Speaker 1: do more hugging in our relationships, even with friendships? You know,

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Speaker 1: when I'm a hugger, I definitely am a hugger. When

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Speaker 1: I meet people, I always have to apologize because I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna hug you and you don't know me from Adam right.

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Speaker 1: I meet strangers all the time, I'm like, oh, hi,

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Speaker 1: you know, and I go and I go in for

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Speaker 1: the hug right away. Like that was absolutely inappropriate. During COVID,

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Speaker 1: I got in so much trouble. I got so many

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Speaker 1: looks from people. But I'm a hugger. I love physical touch.

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Speaker 1: And there's something about my friends one that we just

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Speaker 1: hug sometimes and I'm like, you know what? That communicates

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Speaker 1: so much more than words could ever say. So when

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Speaker 1: you see your spouse, your partner, whoever, and they aren't

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Speaker 1: in need of support, ask them do you need a hug?

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Speaker 1: All right, let's move on the second thing. Do you

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Speaker 1: need help? Do you need help? You might have the

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Speaker 1: solution that your partner needs. But this is the key.

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Speaker 1: They need to be able to ask you for help

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Speaker 1: and or give you permission to help them with your solutions.

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Speaker 1: Some people have the best advice, but they give their

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Speaker 1: advice unsolicited, so it doesn't come off as advice. It

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Speaker 1: comes across as I know more about your life than

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Speaker 1: you do, and so you need to listen to what

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you to do. And that usually does not

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Speaker 1: go overwhelm with with the recipient. So my mom is

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Speaker 1: always on my case about this because I tell her

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Speaker 1: all the time, Mom, I love you, but wait until

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Speaker 1: I ask for your advice sometimes and listen. I have

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Speaker 1: adult children now, so I get it. I understand that

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Speaker 1: parenting adult children this is this is unchartered territory, Like

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Speaker 1: they're not little anymore, but they still need your wisdom,

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Speaker 1: they still need your guidance. But I am learning with

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Speaker 1: my adult children not to just offer them solutions all

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Speaker 1: the time. But what you need to do is or

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Speaker 1: have you ever thought about? Now? I'm like, you know,

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Speaker 1: what do you want? You want a different perspective on that,

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Speaker 1: And sometimes they're like no. And if they say no, okay,

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Speaker 1: don't get all offended. If your spouse, or your child,

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Speaker 1: or your friend to whomever rejects your help, they're not

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Speaker 1: rejecting you. Maybe they just want to be able to

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Speaker 1: think about this a little bit more before they start

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Speaker 1: having a whole bunch of other solutions added to that,

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Speaker 1: a pile of solutions that they might be thinking of already.

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Speaker 1: Have you ever had a problem and you're trying to

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Speaker 1: determine what steps to take and then you have all

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Speaker 1: these other people telling you what their opinions are, and

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Speaker 1: you're like, oh my gosh, now I'm more confused than ever.

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Speaker 1: So this is why when we ask our spouse or

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Speaker 1: we ask our partner whomever, do you need my help?

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Speaker 1: It's a loving, respectful question. It's acknowledging that you are

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Speaker 1: not helpless. I see that you're not helpless. I'm not

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Speaker 1: telling you that you don't know how to run your life.

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Speaker 1: I'm not telling you that you don't have solutions. I'm

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Speaker 1: simply asking are you in need of a solution? They

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Speaker 1: might be like, yes, oh my gosh, I have no

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Speaker 1: idea what to do here? What do you think? Boom?

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Speaker 1: Now it's your opportunity to be able to offer that

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Speaker 1: solution to be able to offer that advice. But here's

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Speaker 1: the caveat do not forget this is their problem, not yours. Parents.

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Speaker 1: We are notoriously horrible at this. We take on our

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Speaker 1: children's burdens as our own. My seventeen year old was

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Speaker 1: having an issue with one of his friends, and he

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Speaker 1: was telling me about the problem, and y'all, I had

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Speaker 1: already in my mind called this little boy on speed dot.

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Speaker 1: I was going to tell him a thing or two

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Speaker 1: and what he needed to do. I had totally taken

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Speaker 1: on my son's problem. And thank god, I've got some

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Speaker 1: common sense right in the Holy Spirit. Who can pump

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Speaker 1: the brakes and be like, dang a, chill out, like

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Speaker 1: that's not what you're gonna do. So I didn't call

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Speaker 1: the little boy. I just listened to my son tell

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Speaker 1: me this story, and then I said, you know, I

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Speaker 1: am so sorry that that happened. And that's what a

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Speaker 1: lot of times, that's most of the time, what people

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Speaker 1: need is they just are looking for solidarity. They're just

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Speaker 1: looking for somebody to say I see you, I feel you.

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Speaker 1: Were going to talk about that in just a moment

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Speaker 1: with the here part, but right now we're talking about

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Speaker 1: the help part. So if you do ask can I

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Speaker 1: help you or do you need my help and your

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Speaker 1: person says yes, then offer them a solution, a solution.

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Speaker 1: Don't give them like twelve things to do, but offer

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Speaker 1: them a solution, and then do not be offended if

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Speaker 1: they don't do what you offered or if they tweak

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Speaker 1: it a little bit. My daughter right now, she just

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Speaker 1: got a new car and she is like souping up

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Speaker 1: her car, if I could put it that way, right.

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Speaker 1: So she's finding all these things to kind of personalize

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Speaker 1: it and make it her own. And so she asked

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Speaker 1: my opinion about one of the things that she's purchasing.

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Speaker 1: And my daughter and I have very different styles. Okay,

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Speaker 1: so the fact that she would even ask for my opinion,

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Speaker 1: you know, I need to respect that. But then I

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Speaker 1: also need to understand that her style and my style

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Speaker 1: is going to be different, and she needs to understand that.

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Speaker 1: So when she asked me about this particular thing that

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Speaker 1: she's looking to buy, I said, I probably wouldn't get

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Speaker 1: that I would like this, and she said, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, I really like this. And guess what, there's

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Speaker 1: no offense. That's her choice, that's her style. Great, maybe

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Speaker 1: she just needed to like in her mind, see these

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Speaker 1: two options, and then she made a decision. It's okay.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own thoughts

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Speaker 1: and our own feelings and our own agendas even that

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Speaker 1: when we do offer people help, we get offended when

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Speaker 1: they don't take it. So I'm just simply saying to you,

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Speaker 1: do not get offended if someone does not take the

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Speaker 1: help that they said that they wanted or the help

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Speaker 1: that you are offering them. When we offer help, we

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Speaker 1: actually communicate partnership. One of my favorite scriptures on the

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Speaker 1: Bible is Ecclesiastes chapter four. I have a portion of

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Speaker 1: that tattooed on my body. But Ecclesiastes four nine through

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Speaker 1: ten just simply says that two people are better off

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Speaker 1: than one, for they can help each other succeed. If

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Speaker 1: one person falls, the other can reach out. But someone

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Speaker 1: who falls alone is in real trouble. We were not

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Speaker 1: meant to live life alone. We were meant to need

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Speaker 1: help and give help. So there's nothing wrong with needing help,

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Speaker 1: and there's nothing wrong with giving help, but just make

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Speaker 1: sure that you're being respectful in giving the help, asking

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Speaker 1: that person, would you like some help? Do you need

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Speaker 1: my help. And if they say no, I'm good, okay, great,

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Speaker 1: Remember it's their life, their problem, not yours. Okay. And

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Speaker 1: then finally, here do you need to be heard? This

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Speaker 1: is such a loving question. We all want to be heard.

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Speaker 1: Think about that. I have a whole online course where

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Speaker 1: I teach this how to go from conflict to connection.

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Speaker 1: It isn't that we don't need to talk, but it's

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Speaker 1: that we need to learn how to listen more than

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Speaker 1: we talk. The Bible says that be slow to speak,

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Speaker 1: slow to get angry, and quick to listen. The problem

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Speaker 1: is most of us were never taught how to listen.

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Speaker 1: We can hear. You're born unless you've got like a

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Speaker 1: a a hearing impediment. You were born knowing how to hear.

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Speaker 1: Nobody had to teach you how to hear. But you

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Speaker 1: absolutely need to be taught how to listen. And most

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Speaker 1: people do not listen well. So when you ask your

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Speaker 1: spouse or your partner, whomever, do you need to be heard,

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Speaker 1: make sure that you have done your work and you

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Speaker 1: have learned how to listen. Now, I have several episodes

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Speaker 1: that I've talked about on this podcast about how to listen.

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Speaker 1: One of them is episode eighty nine. We did this

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Speaker 1: episode back in April of twenty twenty two, and it's

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Speaker 1: seven tips on how to become a better listener. After

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Speaker 1: you finished listening to this episode, scroll through, go back

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Speaker 1: to April twenty twenty two, look for episode eighty nine

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Speaker 1: and listen to that. It is going to save your relationship.

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to tell you because people do not listen.

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Speaker 1: We are so caught up in our own opinion, our

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Speaker 1: own agenda, our own lives. We do not listen. So

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Speaker 1: if you do. You want to rise in any industry,

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Speaker 1: I'm talking even your vocation, your ministry, whatever platform you have,

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Speaker 1: the people who rise to the top are the people

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Speaker 1: who have learned the skills of listening. Because we all

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Speaker 1: want to be heard. So sometimes we just like to

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Speaker 1: say stuff out loud so that we can hear it.

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Speaker 1: And that's why you ask people, do you just want

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Speaker 1: to be heard? They might not need your solution, they

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Speaker 1: might not need your help, they might not need your advice,

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Speaker 1: they might not even need a hug, But sometimes people

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Speaker 1: just need to be heard. So I had to tell

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Speaker 1: myself Cash died like I had to say that out loud,

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Speaker 1: because it's something about saying that that makes it more

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Speaker 1: real to me. Sometimes we just need to hear ourselves.

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Speaker 1: And when you can give somebody the gift of listening,

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Speaker 1: they're going to respect you, they're gonna trust you, they're

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Speaker 1: gonna open up to you. They're gonna know that you're

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Speaker 1: really for them, that you're really with them hearing other people.

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Speaker 1: What a gift, What a gift to learn how to listen.

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Speaker 1: So I'm not going to go through all of those

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00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,040
Speaker 1: seven tips, because I do want you to go and

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00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,720
Speaker 1: listen to episode eighty nine, but I'm going to give

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00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 1: you a couple of pointers and how to become a

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00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,399
Speaker 1: better listener how to actually let your partner, your spouse

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00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 1: who never know that you are hearing them. One is

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00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: that you need to learn how to ask better questions.

436
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:48,480
Speaker 1: So when someone is talking to you, ask deeper questions,

437
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: not for new information necessarily, but so that they can

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00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:55,240
Speaker 1: expound on what they're saying. And these don't have to

439
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:59,959
Speaker 1: be super philosophical questions. They can be questions like really, wow,

440
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:04,159
Speaker 1: how did that make you feel? Or really, they said

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00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 1: that right, and then they're going to be like, yes,

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00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:10,520
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they said that. That's helping them to

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00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,800
Speaker 1: be able to process deeper. So learning how to just

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00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 1: ask those clarifying questions to help that person to go

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00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 1: a little bit deeper. Another way that you can show

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00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 1: that you are actively listening. And all these things that

447
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,960
Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now is learning how to be

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00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,240
Speaker 1: an active listener. But something else that you can do

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00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,280
Speaker 1: is to repeat back what that person said or summarize

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00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,520
Speaker 1: what you heard, so as they're talking, be like, Okay,

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00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,880
Speaker 1: so what I heard you say. I do this all

452
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 1: the time in coaching. It's literally a coaching skill. So okay,

453
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 1: so what I heard you say was, and then that

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00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,440
Speaker 1: person can be like, yes, exactly, and they'll usually give

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00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 1: you more information or if you didn't hear them clearly,

456
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:52,600
Speaker 1: which happens you all, then they can clarify and say, no,

457
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,919
Speaker 1: that's not what I said. What I said was, and

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00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: then they'll restate it so that now you have a

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00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:03,280
Speaker 1: better understanding of what they're saying. Okay, so ask questions

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00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 1: that are going to help them go deeper, summarize or

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00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,919
Speaker 1: repeat what they've said. And then the third thing that

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00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,320
Speaker 1: you can do, and this is oh so important, is

463
00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: to learn how to listen empathically, learn how to have empathy.

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00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:21,399
Speaker 1: So when you listen with empathy, you're communicating to that person.

465
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: I see you, I hear you, I feel what you feel. Now,

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00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,359
Speaker 1: the key is you don't have to agree with what

467
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,680
Speaker 1: they're saying. You don't have to agree that what they're

468
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: saying is right or wrong, but you can feel what

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00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:38,400
Speaker 1: they're feeling. When my husband comes home from work, sometimes

470
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,919
Speaker 1: he is upset about something that somebody did, one of

471
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:44,520
Speaker 1: the people that he supervisors or whatever. Right, so he's

472
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 1: telling me this story. Now, y'all, I am literally paid

473
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: to help people solve their problems. So I have to

474
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,520
Speaker 1: keep myself from going in coaching mode with Sean all

475
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 1: the time. This is a personal struggle that I have.

476
00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,760
Speaker 1: I have to learn how to listen to him without

477
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: feel like I'm going to go into the help mode.

478
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:06,600
Speaker 1: So when I listen to him, when I'm doing this, well,

479
00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:10,679
Speaker 1: then I have to learn how to feel what he's feeling. Hmmm,

480
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:16,600
Speaker 1: that what must that feel like for Sean for someone

481
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,600
Speaker 1: to say something disrespectful to him, or for someone to

482
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 1: not appreciate the help that he's trying to give them,

483
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 1: or for someone to come to work late and get

484
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 1: upset because he has to call them on it, or

485
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 1: whatever it might be, what must that feel like? For him?

486
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,000
Speaker 1: Not what does that feel like if I were him

487
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 1: to me, but what must that feel like for him?

488
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 1: That's empathy, that's learning how to listen empathically, and that

489
00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 1: is an incredible communication tool to have. So as we

490
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,879
Speaker 1: wrap up this episode, I just want to remind you

491
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,119
Speaker 1: all that this is all about building connection and being

492
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:59,359
Speaker 1: more loving in our communication. So what's the money question

493
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 1: that we're going to ask. We're gonna ask do you

494
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 1: need a hug? Do you need help? Or do you

495
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 1: need to be heard? As we wrap up today, I

496
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 1: want to give you a very simple affirmation because you

497
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,919
Speaker 1: can do this. Some of you did not grow up

498
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:18,199
Speaker 1: in homes where you saw healthy communication being modeled, and

499
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,240
Speaker 1: so a lot of what I teach on this podcast

500
00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:22,639
Speaker 1: might seem foreign to you. It might even seem fake.

501
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,000
Speaker 1: But today's affirmation, we're gonna get rid of all of

502
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:29,159
Speaker 1: that because you're here for a purpose. God did not

503
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,600
Speaker 1: bring you to this episode just so that you can

504
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,520
Speaker 1: get more knowledge and then go out here and not

505
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:37,280
Speaker 1: use it. If you utilize when I'm teaching you today,

506
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 1: you're going to see your relationships become better connected. So

507
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,800
Speaker 1: today's affirmation is simply this, I am emotionally aware enough

508
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 1: to help my spouse in their time of need. And again,

509
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,560
Speaker 1: you could swap that word spouse out for whomever if

510
00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 1: you're not married. But I am emotionally aware enough to

511
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:01,560
Speaker 1: help my spouse in their time of need. Thank you

512
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 1: so much for listening. Thank you guys for just letting

513
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 1: me be a little raw and vulnerable today. I really

514
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:13,120
Speaker 1: appreciate the love of this community. When you guys send

515
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:17,480
Speaker 1: me emails, when you send me dms like sometimes you guys,

516
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,840
Speaker 1: it's hard talking to a microphone in an empty room.

517
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,080
Speaker 1: But the fact that I know that you hear me,

518
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:25,560
Speaker 1: you feel me, you're with me, that means everything. So

519
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 1: thanks so much for being a part of the Rebuilding

520
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:32,160
Speaker 1: US podcast family. I pray that you employ these relational

521
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 1: tips so that you can build deeper connections in your relationships.

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00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,360
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening. I'll see you on the

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00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: next episode. Take care,