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Speaker 1: Welcome to Christian Parent Crazy World, the podcast that tackles

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Speaker 1: tough topics to help you be a godly parent in

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Speaker 1: an ungodly world. I am your host, Katherine Seegers, and

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Speaker 1: in today's episode, we will tackle this critically important question,

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Speaker 1: how can we establish the right foundation for our children's

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Speaker 1: mental health? That is a question we ought to be asking.

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Speaker 1: The mental health crisis in our country is at critical mass.

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Speaker 1: Children are struggling like never before and parents are concerned

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Speaker 1: as they should be. What foundation do we need to

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Speaker 1: have in place to help our kids to be strong mentally?

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Speaker 1: My special guest today is doctor Bill Sinyard. We will

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Speaker 1: be discussing some of the warning signs that our kids

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Speaker 1: are struggling and how to help them get back on track.

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Speaker 1: That's the plan for this episode of Christian Parent Crazy World.

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Speaker 1: May is Mental Health Awareness Month Moms and Dads, so

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Speaker 1: we are hitting this topic not once, but twice this

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Speaker 1: month in the special best of series. Now, my special

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Speaker 1: guest is doctor Bill Sinyard, who is joining us for

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Speaker 1: an encore performance. In last week's episode, he shared with

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Speaker 1: us the two greatest mental health needs of our kids.

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Speaker 1: And if you miss that episode, be sure to go

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Speaker 1: back and check it out. It was so so helpful.

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Speaker 1: I loved listening to it again. Those needs are very

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Speaker 1: briefly connectedness and enoughness. Our kids need to feel connected

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Speaker 1: to us. They need to know that we have their

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Speaker 1: back no matter what, and they need to feel like

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Speaker 1: they are enough, that they are loved just as they are.

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Speaker 1: But what happened when that connection breaks down, when our

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Speaker 1: kids feel like they aren't enough and they aren't connected

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Speaker 1: to us, Well, Bill is going to share what that

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Speaker 1: looks like with us today. There are four primary attachment

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Speaker 1: styles that every kid exhibits. One is mentally healthy and strong.

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Speaker 1: The other three are showing signs of distress of a

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Speaker 1: breakdown in mental health. And Bill is going to define

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Speaker 1: for us what those are, and he's going to give

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Speaker 1: us some practical ways to help children who exhibit those traits.

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Speaker 1: And along the way, Bill and I are going to

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Speaker 1: share some of our epic fails as parents, because nothing

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Speaker 1: makes us feel like a bigger failure than when our

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Speaker 1: kids are struggling. Right, We've all been there, We've all

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Speaker 1: felt like we aren't good enough parents.

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Speaker 2: And I don't know about you, but when I hear

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Speaker 2: of another parents screw up, I don't feel quite so

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Speaker 2: alone anymore.

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Speaker 1: So you're going to get some of that today.

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Speaker 2: And let me just give you a quick recap.

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Speaker 1: Of Bill's bio. He is the host of the Gospel

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Speaker 1: Rant podcast. He's been a chemical engineer, a strategic management consultant,

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Speaker 1: a co owner of an EAT five hundred tech company,

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Speaker 1: as well as a lead pastor for over thirty five years.

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Speaker 1: In addition to all that, he has his doctorate in

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Speaker 1: ministry and he's the creator of the Good Enough Parent,

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Speaker 1: a phenomenal curriculum that has a ton of free resources

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Speaker 1: for parents, and you're definitely going to want to check

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Speaker 1: that out.

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Speaker 2: So that said, let's continue this super practical, super helpful

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Speaker 2: conversation all about mental health with doctor Bill Senyard.

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Speaker 1: Bill, welcome back to the program. It's so good to

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Speaker 1: have you back.

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Speaker 3: So soon it's going to be back. It's been such

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Speaker 3: a long time.

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Speaker 1: I know. Yeah, well, I was so fascinated by you.

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Speaker 1: You're helping us as parents to understand some breakdowns that

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Speaker 1: we may have in our parenting relationship, because we have

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Speaker 1: breakdowns in our relationship with God to this is one

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Speaker 1: of those duel shows that really helps our parenting relationship

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Speaker 1: with our kids. At the same time, it's helping our

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Speaker 1: kids relationship with God and our relationship with God because

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Speaker 1: we've all got broken areas inside of us. So you

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Speaker 1: explain to us in the last episode what attachment theory is,

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Speaker 1: how that relates to our personal relationships with God and

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Speaker 1: our relationship to our kids. So briefly describe.

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Speaker 3: What that is.

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Speaker 1: Because of what I want to get into today is

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Speaker 1: the four different personality types, because we're going to see

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Speaker 1: ourselves in these personality types that we're going to see

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Speaker 1: our kids. You know, one kid might be more anxious,

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Speaker 1: one might be more avoidant. So I want to describe

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Speaker 1: what those are so we can understand our kids better

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Speaker 1: and then help attune to those needs better. So tell

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Speaker 1: us the attachment theory brief definition again and we'll jump

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Speaker 1: into this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so the attachment theory is all about attunement and

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Speaker 3: my need for attunement, and I'll say more about that.

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Speaker 3: But it also breaks. And now you'll see why I

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Speaker 3: say this. It takes away from just what my prefrontal cortex,

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Speaker 3: my rational part of my brain gets. So you know,

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Speaker 3: since the Enlightenment, we in the West, we're really big

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Speaker 3: on rationalization and reason and such. But what the neuroscientists

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Speaker 3: have found out is that the most powerful part of

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Speaker 3: my brain is my mid brain, where the fear cycle happens,

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Speaker 3: where addictions happen. Uh and and those sort of things.

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Speaker 3: We're actually feel emotions, so uh and echoes all the

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Speaker 3: way back to infancy. So instead of just trying to

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Speaker 3: convince your child, imagine trying to convince your infant they

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Speaker 3: shouldn't be crying. It's absurd, right, yes, Well, our brain

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Speaker 3: doesn't develop too much beyond that. So when when my

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Speaker 3: infant is scared or crying or what or hungry, that

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Speaker 3: infant really wants to know that there's somebody there who

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Speaker 3: has them, who who's who can care for them? Same

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Speaker 3: thing with my adolescent. There are two questions they're subconscious

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Speaker 3: their inner working models, the attachment theorists call that. Their

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Speaker 3: brain is constant OCD trying to answer. So a lot

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Speaker 3: of the decisions, the blow ups, the addictions, the bad decisions,

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Speaker 3: the anger, the frustration. Why they storm off, the away

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Speaker 3: from the table and lock themselves in their room is

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Speaker 3: because of these two questions, and it's just so helpful.

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Speaker 3: The first one is is there anyone out there that

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Speaker 3: I can really count on? That I can who has

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Speaker 3: my back no matter what, Who's got me when I

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Speaker 3: messed up? And that's connectedness. Am I connected to anybody?

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Speaker 3: And the second one is am I lovable enough for someone?

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Speaker 3: As I am enoughness? Is there someone whose face lights

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Speaker 3: up when I enter the room, runs over and hugs me?

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Speaker 3: And I can tell there it's just so glad that

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Speaker 3: I'm there. That's what we are all looking for in

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Speaker 3: this world. And my relationship with God I want to know,

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Speaker 3: and Jesus already paid for it two thousand years ago,

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Speaker 3: but I want to experience that more. And that's the

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Speaker 3: job of the Holy Spirit.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I love that. I love what you said trying

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Speaker 1: to convince child rashly why they shouldn't be crying. That

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Speaker 1: doesn't work. So and I think, like when you first

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Speaker 1: use the word and I was, I was looking in

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Speaker 1: your videos and materials attunement. I the thought that came

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Speaker 1: to mind for me was like an orchestra being in tune. Now,

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Speaker 1: explain though, what this means in terms of our parenting attuning?

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Speaker 1: How do we attune to our children? What exactly does

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Speaker 1: that mean and what exactly does that accomplish?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll read a quote and it's in that I

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Speaker 3: think you're going to give people the connection to that

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Speaker 3: video that I just finished.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I will definitely link that.

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Speaker 3: But here's a quote from a scientist. The process attunement

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Speaker 3: is the and this is for infants, but it's true

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Speaker 3: for adolescence. By the way, it's true for spouses. The

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Speaker 3: process of a parent feeling the child's feeling, absorbing those feelings,

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Speaker 3: and reflecting them back to the baby. So the baby

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Speaker 3: knows somehow subconsciously because they don't they're not rational, but

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Speaker 3: somehow knows they've been seen, heard, and understood. A tunement

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Speaker 3: communicates to the child, I get you stand and empathize

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Speaker 3: with what you're feeling. A baby is so in tune

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Speaker 3: with mom or caregiver that when the mother holes and

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Speaker 3: rocks and cuddles her infant, the heartbeat of the baby

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Speaker 3: actually synchronizes with their own, and neural scientifically, the brains

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Speaker 3: actually mirror each other. I mean, if you did brain

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Speaker 3: scans at both at the same time, they look they

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Speaker 3: look identical. It is a miracle when it happens.

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Speaker 1: That's amazing. I love that description. So I guess my

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Speaker 1: initial thought of an orchestra tuning itself together it was

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Speaker 1: a little indict it's kind of metaphorical of that process,

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Speaker 1: but it's so much deeper, really reaching a spiritual emotional

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Speaker 1: place of agreement with your child, of understanding with your child.

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Speaker 1: And if a child doesn't feel this, if that gets

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Speaker 1: broken in infancy or in childhood, because I think sometimes

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Speaker 1: I alluded to the fact that I think is parans

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Speaker 1: We tend to be more gracious and forgiving to our

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Speaker 1: children when they're infants, because well, they don't understand, and

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Speaker 1: then they get older and we're not attuning with them anymore.

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Speaker 1: I think that attunement process can break down. It may

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Speaker 1: be broken from the beginning with some children, but it

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Speaker 1: breaks can easily break down. I was very convicted, and

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Speaker 1: when I began to reflect upon this, I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm really not consciously trying to attune with my children

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Speaker 1: one out of three interactions. I do it here and there,

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Speaker 1: and then I always feel good about myself when I do.

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Speaker 1: But I'm like, I need to be doing this throughout

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Speaker 1: the day every day, don't I.

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Speaker 3: We all do, and you need somebody doing it for

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Speaker 3: you as well, right, I mean, yes, well, yeah, we slip,

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Speaker 3: particularly we Christians often slip into a discipline model. We believed.

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Speaker 3: Our brain Tima teaches us that if I just scare

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Speaker 3: the child, if I show them i'm angry, that they're

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Speaker 3: not going to do it again. But like you know,

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Speaker 3: Roe Paul said in Romans Too, it's God's kindness that

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Speaker 3: leads to repentance. Yes, anger, you know you, if you,

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Speaker 3: if you, if you show anger to a shame child,

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Speaker 3: you're just gonna get an angry shame child.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. Yes, A gentle answer turns away wrath. And

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Speaker 1: we actually had a family devotion on that recently and

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Speaker 1: we're all guilty of it. God knows I am where

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Speaker 1: I have that moment where I'm just at my one

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Speaker 1: last nerve and I just lost it. I'm just lost

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Speaker 1: it if I see one more basket of dirty laundry

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Speaker 1: or one more dirty news in your room, and we do.

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Speaker 3: And then so let me let me say this, because

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Speaker 3: I'll forget it. My my actual doctoral thesis was on

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Speaker 3: a different model for biblical forgiveness. And boy, your parents

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Speaker 3: need this and it's in the good Enough part one program,

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Speaker 3: the free program. But uh, our brains, you know that

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Speaker 3: fight cycle and that emotional cycle. We get angry and

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Speaker 3: we just do we do? Yeah, And so that some

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Speaker 3: of the best stuff I've ever done for my my

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Speaker 3: parenting and my children. They remember. This is when maybe

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Speaker 3: two days later, I realize what when I had done

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Speaker 3: to them in my anger, and I was right, you know,

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Speaker 3: and that was that makes it even worse. But I

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Speaker 3: realized that I crushed their spirit. And I could tell

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Speaker 3: you a story, but but they remember this one particular

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Speaker 3: time that and I just I was bawling, we repenting

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Speaker 3: to them and I was just really aware of what

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Speaker 3: I had done to them.

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, do you do you feel like you could

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Speaker 1: share the story?

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Speaker 3: Oh? They've given me. Okay. Hell, my wife and I

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Speaker 3: were it. The kids were asleep, and putting my kids

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Speaker 3: to sleep was impossible. I mean, it's just impossible. So

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Speaker 3: we finally got into sleep. So I'm a little upset

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Speaker 3: and my wife and I are let's call it discussing things.

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Speaker 3: And it was a big blow up discussing things, and

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Speaker 3: uh so you got loud, and I remember hearing a

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Speaker 3: little tap on the bedroom door, and I went the kids.

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Speaker 3: So I went over and I must have had my

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Speaker 3: my look on because when I opened the door, you

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Speaker 3: seeing their eyes, they were scared. Yeah, I said, don't

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Speaker 3: you did I put you your disobeying blah blah blah blah,

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Speaker 3: and they ran off to their bed and I said, good,

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Speaker 3: I've got this down. Now they're going to respect me.

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Speaker 3: Everything that was in my brain was destructive. So my

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Speaker 3: job was to take them to school, and next morning

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Speaker 3: I did. My kids were never quiet, never, and they

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Speaker 3: were quiet that day, Oh wow. And I took them

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Speaker 3: to school and I came home going, you know, we're

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Speaker 3: making we're making some headway in the parenting thing. And

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Speaker 3: two days later, the Holy Spirit grabbed me. I'm driving

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Speaker 3: them to school and they're looking at each other like

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to say anything, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 3: the Holy Spirit grabbed me and said, you jerk, Oh wow,

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Speaker 3: do you have any idea? And I just had to

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Speaker 3: pull over because I was bawling. And I leaned into

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Speaker 3: the back and I said, do you guys remember a

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Speaker 3: couple of days ago? And I yeah, Dad, you were

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Speaker 3: so scary. I went, oh my gosh, that's not the

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Speaker 3: word I wanted, you know, I wanted an award for

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Speaker 3: being dad of the Year. Yeah, And they said, I said, look,

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Speaker 3: I am so sorry. That was not about you. That

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Speaker 3: was about me and I would you please forgive me

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Speaker 3: if you see that again, would you? I mean it

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Speaker 3: was they were just elementary school kids, but they remember that,

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Speaker 3: and they remember me weeping over over what I had done.

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Speaker 1: Mm my goodness. Thank you for sharing that. You know,

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Speaker 1: I had an episode recently. I think it was the

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Speaker 1: eight words every parent needs to say to their kids.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you. I can't

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Speaker 1: exactly remember how I phrase it, but I was going

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Speaker 1: to ask you that. The question was going to ask you,

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Speaker 1: what do we do when we realized that we broken

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Speaker 1: our kid's spirit, when we when we failed to attune

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Speaker 1: that's it. We humble ourselves. We go to our child

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Speaker 1: and we say I'm sorry, oh yeah, oh this is

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Speaker 1: what I'm sorry.

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Speaker 3: I was wrong.

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Speaker 1: Please forgive me. Those are the words we And if

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Speaker 1: you have never said that to your child at some

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Speaker 1: point something wrong, then you have some disconnectedness if you

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Speaker 1: have never said that to you, because you're not gonna

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Speaker 1: parent perfectly. Everybody is at some point going to screw up,

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Speaker 1: and you're gonna need to humble yourself. And you know what,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't fix everything. That just is the that's just

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Speaker 1: the first step back to bridging the disconnectedness that occurs

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Speaker 1: when we screw up in our parenting and we are

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Speaker 1: going to screw up, and what were you going to say?

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Speaker 3: And that's a good opportunity to be proactive with the

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Speaker 3: connectedness and enoughness. Yeah. So look, in spite of what

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Speaker 3: I did or said, I want to tell you I

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Speaker 3: love you and I by stocking you and uh, I'm

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Speaker 3: not going anywhere, so so forgive, forgive me when I

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Speaker 3: was when I'm a jerk.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, well, yeah, that we all need to do that,

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Speaker 1: because it does when when you do that, it's And

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Speaker 1: I love that you thought that was hilarious. I love

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Speaker 1: that you thought, Wow, we're really getting somewhere.

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Speaker 3: Look at well, I'm messed up. I shouldn't even be

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Speaker 3: on the show. I am a mess. I will tell

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Speaker 3: you that ahead of time.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you and me both, I've done it too. I can.

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Speaker 1: When you were telling me that story, I had visions

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Speaker 1: of myself.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 1: My background is now my husband gets angry and sometimes

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Speaker 1: he gets short and snippy and whatever with the kids,

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Speaker 1: and you know we all do. But my background's in acting.

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Speaker 1: So I was trained to connect with my emotions and

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Speaker 1: I can let it rip man. And there have been

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Speaker 1: times when I have and I'm like, oh wow, nobody

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Speaker 1: listened to this podcast if they could see me in

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Speaker 1: some of my worst moments. But you know, if we're

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Speaker 1: all honest, we've all been there.

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Speaker 3: So this is such a beautiful aspect of the gospel

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Speaker 3: and this part of the forgiving path that I have

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Speaker 3: online and the good enough parent and my passion of

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Speaker 3: God's love. Guess what, God never gets snippy at me.

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Speaker 3: God never ever gets angry at because He was already

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Speaker 3: snippy and angry at me on the cross. So now

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Speaker 3: He is always connecting and enoughing, you know, connected. The

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Speaker 3: Holy Spirit is telling me Bill, You're enough. Bill. God's

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Speaker 3: not going anywhere when you walk into Heaven's door, Jesus,

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Speaker 3: you know, like the father of the prodigal son, Who's

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Speaker 3: going to come running up to you. Brenan Manning, one

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Speaker 3: of my favorite theologians, said, when you get to heaven,

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Speaker 3: he says, imagine Jesus running up to you, hugging you

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Speaker 3: and whispering in your ears. Do you know how much

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Speaker 3: I've loved you? And you just go Nope. But I'm

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Speaker 3: going to spend all eternity figuring this out.

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Speaker 1: Praise God for that. So for us who screwed up

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Speaker 1: in our parenting, our enoughness comes from him and we can,

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Speaker 1: through the power of the Holy Spirit, make amends to

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Speaker 1: your children, humble ourselves, build that bridge back, admit when

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Speaker 1: we're wrong, and ask for forgiveness. That can help rebuild

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Speaker 1: the connectedness. And we can still be enough. And you

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Speaker 1: and I can still podcast and speak in places even

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Speaker 1: though we in our parents being and other people can learn.

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Speaker 3: So that's all we got.

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Speaker 1: We're all there. So I'm so excited to learn about

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Speaker 1: these different attachment styles. I think we're going to see

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Speaker 1: ourselves in them. I think we're going to see our

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Speaker 1: kids in them, and learning how to minister to a child,

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Speaker 1: to parent a child who's struggling in one of these areas.

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Speaker 1: And perhaps I think in our audience, I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to predict this with myself included, We're probably going to

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Speaker 1: see areas of ourself that, Wow, I'm broken in this

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Speaker 1: place and I need to reconnect to my heavenly father.

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Speaker 1: So explain to us what these different attachment styles are.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So imagine a spectrum x xy coordinates and the

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Speaker 3: vertical access is connectedness. That's that's your teen or yours

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Speaker 3: experience of.

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Speaker 1: Hold on this one second. Get for those not geographically

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Speaker 1: and glide and remembering algebra, I do remember that. I'm

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Speaker 1: still doing it. But just imagine like, uh north south, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: a box with four different compartments. Right, Okay, there were.

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Speaker 3: Well, thank you, I appreciate that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you probably have a better mathematical background.

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Speaker 3: Of an engineer.

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Speaker 1: Some of my kids struggling this. Yeah, if my oldest

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Speaker 1: were listening to this, a couple of my kids were

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Speaker 1: listening to this, they'd be like, oh, I'm lost. I

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Speaker 1: don't think what you're saying. But just a box with

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Speaker 1: four different quats.

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Speaker 3: Yes, if they can they if they go to GEP

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Speaker 3: good enough parent one, or if they go to the

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Speaker 3: link that you're going to provide, they can see visual

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Speaker 3: so that that would be very helpful. So the y

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Speaker 3: access the north south axis is connectedness. This is your

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Speaker 3: your child's experience of a relationship. And maybe when they

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Speaker 3: were young something affected them something, Maybe they cried and

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Speaker 3: they cried and cried and cried and cried like we

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Speaker 3: were taught to do with our children, and they went no,

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Speaker 3: nobody's coming. So uh so they have a very low

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Speaker 3: sense of the experience of connectedness. The horizontal the east

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Speaker 3: west axis is teamed or your sense of enoughness. Am

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Speaker 3: I enough? And do I expect? When I inner relationships

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Speaker 3: and I'll stay enough? Do I feel loved? And again

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Speaker 3: if they if they're low on that, again, it could

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Speaker 3: be that child crying but instead of going, well, nobody's coming,

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Speaker 3: I'm going to keep crying, they shut down and they

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Speaker 3: just look away and realize, well, I'm broken. That's what

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Speaker 3: their brain does. Okay, So that creates four quadrants going

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Speaker 3: counterclockwise from say one o'clock. The first one is secure,

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Speaker 3: then anxious, then fearful, and then avoidant. And I'll quickly

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Speaker 3: explain who these people are. And secure is where you

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Speaker 3: want to be. Studies have shown that it's about fifty percent,

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Speaker 3: but this is done on white college, higher echelon campuses,

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Speaker 3: and this is pre COVID. So I'm guessing that that

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Speaker 3: secure is probably twenty of the population and lower in

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Speaker 3: high risk neighborhoods. So the secure attachment is that child

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Speaker 3: or that adult lesson or that adult who is feeling

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Speaker 3: connected and enough. They don't need relationships to make them

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Speaker 3: feel more connected or more enough. They feel more enough.

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Speaker 3: These people can use social media and not get addicted.

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Speaker 3: They're resilient in the face of stress. They're optimistic, they

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Speaker 3: have high self esteem. They're curious, they ask questions. They

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Speaker 3: love going to class. They respect their teachers. Right, this

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Speaker 3: is great. They're able to tolerate ambiguity. They love dealing

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Speaker 3: with people who are different from them. So the end

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Speaker 3: of racism if we were all secure. They're empathetic, compassionate,

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Speaker 3: they're open their different points of view. And I did

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Speaker 3: by the way elementary school teachers could point these kids

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Speaker 3: out in their class, right, And they tend to care

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Speaker 3: for other for other students, they help them out, so

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Speaker 3: they tend to trust their parents. They tend to be happier.

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Speaker 3: This is what you want. Like I said, it's probably

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Speaker 3: closer to thirty percent of the population, so maybe one

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Speaker 3: out of three. So as we go counterclockwise. The next

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Speaker 3: group is avoidant, and I am that. They have a

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Speaker 3: high sense of a positive self worth so much so

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Speaker 3: they can be independent. They don't mind being on their own.

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Speaker 3: I remember when I was a kid, I would play

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Speaker 3: I had great friends by the way, we played sports

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Speaker 3: and everything. But I enjoyed my days of going through

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Speaker 3: the woods in the back of my house and the

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Speaker 3: bayous and playing princes and knights and exploration or whatever

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Speaker 3: it might be. I enjoyed that because I was comfortable

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Speaker 3: in my own skin. To a degree, this child fears connectedness.

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Speaker 3: The relationships for whatever reason when they were in zero

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Speaker 3: to two didn't work out. For whatever reason, they didn't

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Speaker 3: feel liked. I mean, so you remember my testimony from

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Speaker 3: last Yeah, they just have a hard time feeling liked,

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Speaker 3: and so they avoid it. So they decide they're going

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Speaker 3: to do their their own thing. They're very self reliant.

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Speaker 3: Child might do things without telling you. They're stressed when

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Speaker 3: everybody else is talking about their emotional issues because they

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Speaker 3: don't want to. So if at the table you're going

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Speaker 3: how does everybody feel tonight, They're going to get up

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Speaker 3: and walk off and go to their room where they

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Speaker 3: can be by themselves. That's their greatest irritability is when

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Speaker 3: they're in a relationship with a person who's talking about

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Speaker 3: their emotions. They feel trapped when their caregivers come too

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Speaker 3: close because they like separation. And there's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 3: this child. They're human. They they're just, if you will,

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Speaker 3: a little bit traumatized like all of us. They may

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Speaker 3: be irritated when they're doing something on their own, a

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Speaker 3: project or homework or sports, and you're trying to get

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Speaker 3: them to let's all get together as a family and

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Speaker 3: do something. This is the child that's going to be

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Speaker 3: irritated by that. They want space in their relationships. They

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Speaker 3: have a highly sensitive radar for manipulation, highly sensitive radar

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Speaker 3: for that being blamed, being criticized. This kicks off that

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Speaker 3: fear cycle, and they can be filtered, meaning they don't

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Speaker 3: want to discuss their emotions. They'll discuss facts and figures.

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Speaker 3: They could become good engineers like me. Pastors can often

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Speaker 3: be this right, it's easy to speak from the pulpit. Oh,

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Speaker 3: they can conflict. Conflict, you know, let's not have conflict.

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Speaker 3: Let's just agree to disagree and move on, all right,

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Speaker 3: what conflict? We don't like arguments. We don't like conflict.

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Speaker 3: We can be passive aggressive. So I may go into

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Speaker 3: my room, but I may hate you. And when a

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Speaker 3: fear cycle kicks in, this particular child will likely flee.

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Speaker 3: They will go to be their own, they'll go to

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Speaker 3: their room, they'll go to their projects.

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Speaker 1: That's this child, So that's the avoidant.

431
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 3: That's the avoidant. Child high on enough, they're comfortable in

432
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,480
Speaker 3: their own skin, but they're lonely and they're very low

433
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:52,800
Speaker 3: on connectedness.

434
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,880
Speaker 1: Okay, so since why don't we do this each one

435
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,760
Speaker 1: that you're going through. Why don't you give us so

436
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,960
Speaker 1: we How would a parent then help to attune to

437
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 1: a child who was in the avoidant attachment style?

438
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:09,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, so of the two questions, this is the child

439
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:14,040
Speaker 3: that needs some jazzing with the connectedness. So if you

440
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 3: can put your hand on their shoulder and give them

441
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 3: space because they need their space compared to the anxious child,

442
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 3: and say I'm not going anywhere. You and I are good.

443
00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,520
Speaker 3: There's nothing you can do. I'm going to support you.

444
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,080
Speaker 3: I'm your biggest fan and I'm there for you. And

445
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,880
Speaker 3: you can exhibit that over and over while you're giving

446
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:37,520
Speaker 3: them some space. After a while, that attractive relationship where

447
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:40,320
Speaker 3: that person feels like you've got their back, they're going

448
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,880
Speaker 3: to be drawn towards that and their future spouse will

449
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:44,600
Speaker 3: thank you.

450
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: So would you invite them like? Are they resistant to

451
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 1: doing things? Who's going on nature walks with you? Going fishing?

452
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,959
Speaker 1: Are they are they? Can they be introverted and extroverted?

453
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,160
Speaker 1: Are they mostly introverted.

454
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, both the introverted extrovert would would layer on

455
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,760
Speaker 3: top of this. You can be introverted avoid and extroverted avoiding.

456
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,040
Speaker 1: Okay, gotcha.

457
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 3: So this basically is, you know, I've been hurt. They're subconscious,

458
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:16,960
Speaker 3: not the reason they're subconscious has somehow been wounded by

459
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 3: relationships or lack of relationships. And maybe it was a

460
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,640
Speaker 3: promise that was made. You know, I'm going to take

461
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,480
Speaker 3: your fishing and it didn't happen. Who knows, and we

462
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 3: all nobody's perfect, right, But this is the child that

463
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 3: doesn't want to get too close because their brain says

464
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,240
Speaker 3: you're going to get hurt, and their brain is trying

465
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 3: to protect them from being hurt again. You can see

466
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,560
Speaker 3: the trouble they're going to be in in relationships, right yeah, okay,

467
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,760
Speaker 3: So if you can give them their space, but keep

468
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,479
Speaker 3: drip drip drip, saying I'm not going anywhere. You and

469
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,719
Speaker 3: I are good. I love you as you are, and

470
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:50,880
Speaker 3: I don't require you telling me you love me. I'm

471
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 3: going to go for a walk. What do you think?

472
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 3: And where would you like to go? And and and

473
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 3: when you're on the walk, don't ask them about their feelings.

474
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, because they probably that would make them uncomfortable.

475
00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:09,480
Speaker 3: It might Okay, it would for me. Yeah, you know,

476
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,399
Speaker 3: I'm getting better.

477
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:17,879
Speaker 1: But yeah, so you would connect with them on externals perhaps,

478
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:20,520
Speaker 1: and maybe that would provide an inroad into something a

479
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:21,360
Speaker 1: little more emotional.

480
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:25,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, what are you working on? Yeah, you're working on. Yeah,

481
00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:26,280
Speaker 3: what do you think of this?

482
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 1: What about that book or that movie or TV show or.

483
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,439
Speaker 3: Okay, yep, that's the avoid and child.

484
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,440
Speaker 1: Okay. The next one then is anxious.

485
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 3: I'm going to skip fearful. Anxious. This child is interesting.

486
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 3: So so imagine an infant that has learned by my

487
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 3: experience that they're just going to keep crying. They're going

488
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,159
Speaker 3: to keep crying and crying and crying and crying and

489
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,440
Speaker 3: crying and crying and until somebody shows up. Even if

490
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,840
Speaker 3: they're angry, it doesn't matter. And they learn that as

491
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,360
Speaker 3: long as they do that, they're going to be able

492
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 3: to manipulate the relationship to have somebody appear in front

493
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,880
Speaker 3: of them. When they feel lonely, they're gonna cry, they're

494
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,920
Speaker 3: going to act out, they're going to do something stupid.

495
00:27:07,920 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 3: They're gonna lie, cheat, do drug, steal something whatever to

496
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,159
Speaker 3: get a notice, to get attention, to get a face

497
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 3: in front of them, even if that face is angry.

498
00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 3: They did not learn how to emotionally soothe themselves, so

499
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,160
Speaker 3: they still require other people to do that to soothe

500
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:29,040
Speaker 3: them emotionally. So they're going to cry, they're going to complain,

501
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 3: they're gonna get tattoos, they're going to right, They're going

502
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 3: to say they are going to the library, but they're

503
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 3: actually going over to Jane's right. So, in psych terms,

504
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 3: this person is not broken. It's just they're just the

505
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:50,440
Speaker 3: result of their context. They still need others to emotionally regulate,

506
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 3: and you can see in a marriage relationship this is

507
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,880
Speaker 3: gonna be a lot of trouble. They're going to need counseling.

508
00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:04,640
Speaker 3: So they worry subconsciously about being abandoned, not in the loop. Uh,

509
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,919
Speaker 3: people having jokes that they don't understand. This is the

510
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 3: kid that's big on fomo fear of missing out. So

511
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:12,879
Speaker 3: they'll want to be in everything, and if they're not

512
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,359
Speaker 3: in everything, they're gonna manipulate. So they are they're gonna

513
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 3: say something and blow the whistle. Uh. They have habitualized

514
00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:24,280
Speaker 3: attention getting strategies. So when I do marriage counseling with

515
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 3: two adults or one adults who is anxious. I try

516
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 3: to help them understand what their their Their strategy is

517
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,919
Speaker 3: that subconsciousness. What do you do when you when you

518
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:33,640
Speaker 3: feel alone? What do you do when you feel left out?

519
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:38,480
Speaker 3: How do you get your your your spouse's attention. When

520
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,720
Speaker 3: a fear cycle is triggered, they're gonna fight. They're gonna

521
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,800
Speaker 3: push back, they're gonna yell, they're gonna throw a fit,

522
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,840
Speaker 3: they're gonna storm away from the from the from the table.

523
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,920
Speaker 3: They crave connectedness, but it's just out of their reach,

524
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 3: and nothing that parents can do seems to satisfy. It's

525
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:01,680
Speaker 3: a very difficult child. They can towards perfectionism. This is

526
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:05,360
Speaker 3: really interesting. Not because they're interested in good work product

527
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:09,479
Speaker 3: or homework or doing things well. It's because they've found

528
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 3: out through experience that if they do something really well,

529
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:15,880
Speaker 3: their parents will pay attention to them, or their professor will,

530
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 3: or there this particular person in their class will. Boy,

531
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 3: they are they are like moths to flames of social

532
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:28,840
Speaker 3: media with the likes, So they're gonna, they're gonna and

533
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 3: if they don't get likes, they're gonna blow up. So

534
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:36,440
Speaker 3: they're quick to share unfiltered emotions, so where the avoidant

535
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,440
Speaker 3: child was. You know, I just don't want to share feelings.

536
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 3: This person is going to go you know how that

537
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 3: makes me feel in order to get attention, and even

538
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 3: picking fights is a win win for the anxious person.

539
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 3: They're considered high maintenance children in so many ways because

540
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 3: parents feel like I've messed up. They're angry, they're hurt,

541
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:59,720
Speaker 3: they're leaving, they're angry, right, and and the reality is

542
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 3: they're lonely. They want to be connected, they want to

543
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:10,280
Speaker 3: feel enough, and they don't. Subconsciously, there's huge insecurities here.

544
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 3: Here's what one person said researcher, I love this. Being

545
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 3: in relationship with someone who is acting out an anxious

546
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 3: attachment style can feel like dealing with an angry customer

547
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:25,320
Speaker 3: while staffing a support complaint desk. So nothing's ever right,

548
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 3: and yet it's a cry for help. It's a cry

549
00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 3: for enoughness.

550
00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:35,560
Speaker 1: Ah Okay, So as a parent, if you recognize those

551
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 1: characteristics in a child, how would you go about attuning

552
00:30:40,560 --> 00:30:42,000
Speaker 1: to that child's needs?

553
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 3: These are easy, but it's gonna take a while. And

554
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,320
Speaker 3: what I tell people who have a severe anxious child

555
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:50,960
Speaker 3: is your goal is to become their best friend when

556
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:57,920
Speaker 3: they're thirty. But it's the it's the attunement. Hey, Jim, Betty,

557
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 3: I just want to tell you I am so side

558
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 3: of the person you're becoming, and I would by stocking you.

559
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 3: I am so amazed. Just look at you. The person

560
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,640
Speaker 3: who's gonna marry you. They're gonna be so lucky. I

561
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,320
Speaker 3: just adore what God's doing through you. I'm a big fan.

562
00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:18,280
Speaker 3: And just do that regularly until they feel more enough

563
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 3: in your eyes. So it's actually pretty easy, but it

564
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:24,960
Speaker 3: has to be done over a long period of time,

565
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:28,760
Speaker 3: and they're going to push back, they're going to explode

566
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 3: because that's their reactionary behavior. So you have to be

567
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 3: okay with that, you know, Yeah, Mom, you just say

568
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,280
Speaker 3: that because you're my mom. No good talk and walk

569
00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 3: off again and do it again and do it again,

570
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:43,280
Speaker 3: and when they blow up, that's a great opportunity to

571
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,400
Speaker 3: walk into their room or wherever they are and go.

572
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 3: You know, I don't agree with what you just did

573
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:53,200
Speaker 3: there and how you handled it, and okay, but having

574
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,400
Speaker 3: said that, can I tell you again, I just think

575
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:01,040
Speaker 3: you're amazing and I just can't to see what how

576
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,760
Speaker 3: you're going to change the world. Okay, uh, hey, we'll

577
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 3: see you and just do that right one out of

578
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 3: three and do it random and require nothing.

579
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: Uh.

580
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:14,400
Speaker 3: Your our tendency would be hoping that they repent or something,

581
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,520
Speaker 3: and that's not the of this attunement. The attunement is

582
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 3: basically to remind them how beautiful they are in the

583
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 3: eyes of God and through the Holy Spirit.

584
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 1: Through you, So that attachment didn't get broken overnight, and

585
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,960
Speaker 1: it doesn't get fixed overnight. It's it's a long it's

586
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 1: a marathon, not a one hundred yard dash, So we

587
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 1: just have to be in it for the long haulm.

588
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,640
Speaker 3: Really, it is not reasonable. It's not reasonable. Don't try

589
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 3: to reason with it. So yeah, yeah, here's how's how

590
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 3: we've been trained to do. Christian and non Christian is soon.

591
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:49,280
Speaker 3: Let's talk about your reaction there and what were you

592
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:53,040
Speaker 3: hoping to and do you think that? And look, their

593
00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:56,520
Speaker 3: pre federal core tex is not online. They're not being reasonable.

594
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 3: They think they are too, but they're not. So we're

595
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 3: we're trying to reach that critical inner voice. In my book,

596
00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:06,960
Speaker 3: it's the dragon in their brain and trying to slay

597
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,080
Speaker 3: that dragon, helping them out just a little bit. And

598
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 3: if we you know, even if we do twenty percent,

599
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 3: we're going to help their future spouse.

600
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: Well that what's interesting. In the last episode you mentioned

601
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,120
Speaker 1: that you know, you wouldn't sit with an infant or

602
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,280
Speaker 1: even a toddler who was screaming and crying and try

603
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: to reason with them. Well, this isn't a logical response

604
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:27,680
Speaker 1: to the stimuli that you have here. And we tend

605
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,160
Speaker 1: to think that our kids that once they get older,

606
00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:33,200
Speaker 1: because they do have some other reasoning functions, that they

607
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,880
Speaker 1: are able to reason with their emotions. And that's not

608
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,840
Speaker 1: necessarily true. That's that that ability doesn't come until, like

609
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:42,000
Speaker 1: I think you said.

610
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 3: For boys, early twenties, girls mid twenties. Yeah, and we

611
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:50,960
Speaker 3: look forward to that, but but not now. And boy,

612
00:33:51,000 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 3: their brains firing on all cylinders has got all these

613
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:57,920
Speaker 3: neural connections that are unhooked and unattached, and they're there.

614
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 3: They're dopamine cycle right. Their nucleus acumbent is fully online

615
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 3: when they're ten. And you know, I'm gonna ask God

616
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 3: about this because it seems like such a bad plan.

617
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 3: The place in your brain where you can get addicted

618
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:15,920
Speaker 3: is online when they're ten or eleven and their reasoning

619
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:19,560
Speaker 3: isn't so they need like an infant, they need parents

620
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:23,680
Speaker 3: to help them emotionally regulate. So for an infant, like

621
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:25,720
Speaker 3: I said, you wouldn't try to you know, the infants

622
00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:29,200
Speaker 3: crying and wailing and obviously emotionally justsregulated. You wouldn't go,

623
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:32,600
Speaker 3: let's do you think that's gonna move me to change

624
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:36,759
Speaker 3: your diaper? What you would do is you'd hold the

625
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:40,799
Speaker 3: infent and go Google, and all of a sudden there's

626
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 3: this psychical connection and the baby calms down regulates. It's

627
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,359
Speaker 3: the same with teenagers. It just takes longer and they

628
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,280
Speaker 3: don't like getting into their face saying Google.

629
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:54,759
Speaker 1: Yeah exactly. So we attuned to them with feeding their

630
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 1: shirts with You're amazing. I think you're gonna whoever marries you,

631
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 1: it's gonna be I'm so lucky, and I try to

632
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,160
Speaker 1: I've talked about this on the show before, and we

633
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 1: really need to lean into the Holy Spirit here and

634
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:11,000
Speaker 1: what is that? What is that thing that makes that

635
00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,879
Speaker 1: kid tick? Who did he create them to be? I have,

636
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:19,480
Speaker 1: like my oldest has an intellectual ability of my second child.

637
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:24,680
Speaker 1: He's he has this just incredible sense of integrity. And

638
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:26,759
Speaker 1: when I speak into that like, my third one has

639
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 1: this incredible gift of compassion. My fourth is like just

640
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 1: a really amazing leadership's gift. Really in the area of

641
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:36,719
Speaker 1: sports is where it's showing. In my fifth one, she's

642
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:40,080
Speaker 1: like this intercessor, this prayer. It's like she's crazy. It's crazy.

643
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 1: She's seven years old. She gets up and goes to

644
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 1: Monday morning prayer with us. We go for an hour

645
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,360
Speaker 1: every Monday at six am, which I'm not a morning

646
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:50,239
Speaker 1: person at all. But she gets up, she'll go and

647
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,920
Speaker 1: she goes and like when she starts to pray, she's seven. Man,

648
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:56,399
Speaker 1: you better buckle up. It's incredible. So when I love

649
00:35:56,440 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 1: what the scripture said about Mary that he she hid

650
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,280
Speaker 1: these things in her heart. When she saw things about Jesus,

651
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:05,440
Speaker 1: she hid it into her heart. So what we need

652
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 1: is parents. I think one of the ways we can

653
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:10,800
Speaker 1: help attune to them and speak into their their lives

654
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:12,879
Speaker 1: is we hide these things in their hearts, and when

655
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,719
Speaker 1: I see, hey, that's who God created you to be.

656
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:19,280
Speaker 1: When I can speak prophetically into that place in their life,

657
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,680
Speaker 1: then I can really start to do some major attunement.

658
00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:26,200
Speaker 1: I think it's almost like it's it's exponentially better when

659
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 1: I can, I'm not just saying something random, although those

660
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,320
Speaker 1: are good too. You look beautiful today, I like the

661
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 1: way your hair looks that goes are really well put

662
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:36,040
Speaker 1: together outfit. Those are great. But then when I can

663
00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 1: speak into something a characteristic that I've noticed that God

664
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 1: placed into them, Yeah, then I'm really starting to attune

665
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:49,279
Speaker 1: not only with the child and the parent child relationship,

666
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 1: I'm helping them attune to God right at that point,

667
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,960
Speaker 1: and attune to who God created them to be.

668
00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 3: So if they're so back to the attachment theory, if

669
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 3: they're feeling, if they're anxious attachment in that category, they're

670
00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:06,560
Speaker 3: going to feel naturally that they're not enough for God.

671
00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:08,640
Speaker 3: They're going to be They're going to feel like they

672
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,320
Speaker 3: have to do something. It's just their natural brain the

673
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:14,720
Speaker 3: way it's the inner working models. So the Holy Spirit

674
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 3: does have to keep whispering to them. He knows how

675
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:20,720
Speaker 3: they're created. And if they're avoidant, they're going to feel

676
00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 3: like somehow God God doesn't like them and that they're

677
00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,560
Speaker 3: not fully connected. Let me give you so. In the

678
00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 3: Good Enough Parent Program, the first two tips are actually

679
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,960
Speaker 3: a prayer, not a prayer, really a gospel presentation for

680
00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 3: my mid brain. Can I read it real quickly? And parents.

681
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 3: Christian parents should say this twice a day for as

682
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:43,560
Speaker 3: long as their kids are teenagers. But here it is

683
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:46,799
Speaker 3: Jesus followers strictly because of what Jesus did for you

684
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,480
Speaker 3: two thousand years ago. Jesus loves you with all of

685
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,839
Speaker 3: his heart, as much as the Father loves the son,

686
00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 3: and the son loves the Father. So enough this God

687
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:56,200
Speaker 3: loves you as you are, not as you should be

688
00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 3: or could be. You can't add to this love or

689
00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:00,640
Speaker 3: take away from it. It often feels like you've messed

690
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,439
Speaker 3: it up or need to do something so that God

691
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 3: will like you better. Connectedness not so, how do you

692
00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:09,239
Speaker 3: experience it? More simple? Ask the spirit inside of you

693
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:13,120
Speaker 3: to make you know, experience and feel just how much

694
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,879
Speaker 3: God loves you right now Iphesians three fourteen and twenty one.

695
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,440
Speaker 3: Just ask ask again later today as tomorrow. Make it

696
00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:23,760
Speaker 3: a spiritual habit. So if I'm actually if my child's

697
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,480
Speaker 3: a Christian, then God loves him as much as the

698
00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:28,520
Speaker 3: Father loves the son. And if so, the Holy Spirit

699
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:31,279
Speaker 3: and me loves my child as much as the Father

700
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:33,319
Speaker 3: loves the son and the son loves the Father. And

701
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,120
Speaker 3: if the Holy Spirit is working through me. My child

702
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:40,040
Speaker 3: is actually going to experience that a little bit more.

703
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:44,280
Speaker 3: There'll be attunement. They'll be a spiritual attunement thing happening.

704
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:48,680
Speaker 1: Hmm. That's awesome, that's really cool. So there was one other,

705
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 1: one other personality type, the fearful one. Can you just

706
00:38:53,719 --> 00:38:56,239
Speaker 1: briefly tell us what that is and how to go

707
00:38:56,320 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 1: about attuning to a child who might be in that category. Hey, friends,

708
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,800
Speaker 1: it's Katherine here. If you're trying to be a godly

709
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:12,200
Speaker 1: parent in this wild and wacky world, you need all

710
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:15,200
Speaker 1: the help you can get, and I've got you covered.

711
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:18,560
Speaker 1: When you subscribe to my website, you'll get instant access

712
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:22,560
Speaker 1: to tons of free resources made just for Christian parents.

713
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:26,720
Speaker 1: You'll get my Prodigal Bundle, which is packed with every podcast, article,

714
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: and scripture list I've created for parents walking that tough

715
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,160
Speaker 1: prodigal road. You'll also get my free eat book Beyond

716
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:37,880
Speaker 1: the Lies and covering five myths the culture spreads to mothers,

717
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:41,360
Speaker 1: plus powerful scripture list pray over your kids, and even

718
00:39:41,440 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 1: scripture songs to help your family hide God's word in

719
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 1: your hearts without even trying. And of course I'll keep

720
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:51,760
Speaker 1: you encouraged with my weekly newsletter full of faith filled

721
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:54,720
Speaker 1: PEP talks and outlines of what we're tackling each week

722
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,080
Speaker 1: on the show. So don't miss out. Head over to

723
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,799
Speaker 1: Katherine Scars dot com. That's Katherine Segers dot com and

724
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:04,759
Speaker 1: subscribe today. Because Christian parenting may be crazy, but you

725
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 1: don't have to do it alone.

726
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 3: So that would be a composite of anxious and avoidance.

727
00:40:14,040 --> 00:40:18,720
Speaker 3: And so that child actually would have probably suffered severe

728
00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 3: emotional trauma as an infant. And so if you take

729
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 3: those tests we'll give you to them GEP and your

730
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:31,759
Speaker 3: child is extreme fearful, they really do need counseling. The

731
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:38,719
Speaker 3: simple touches, you know, the the tuning help, but there

732
00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:42,160
Speaker 3: is a deeper, darker wound that needs to be that

733
00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 3: really does need to be dealt with.

734
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:47,400
Speaker 1: If your child is fearful, Okay, what would be I

735
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:51,680
Speaker 1: guess just exhibiting your traditional ideas of what.

736
00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:56,919
Speaker 3: Are it's erratic, they're they're they're exhibiting avoidance and then anxiety.

737
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 3: So there they run off to the room and then

738
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 3: they blow up or they stay at the table, and

739
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 3: it's it's a child that has had some emotional trauma. Okay,

740
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 3: so percentage wise, it's very, very very low. Thank god.

741
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:15,080
Speaker 3: I don't think COVID helps because that really traumatized all

742
00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:19,240
Speaker 3: of us. But for the most part, Uh, your children

743
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:23,279
Speaker 3: would be either anxious or avoidant. But but take the test. Uh,

744
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,759
Speaker 3: there's there's a test we give you in good enough

745
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:30,720
Speaker 3: parent one again free and and so for instance, children

746
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,320
Speaker 3: that are that are adopted.

747
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:34,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I was thinking of.

748
00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:39,120
Speaker 3: Often can end up being fearful and and the parents

749
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:39,600
Speaker 3: need help.

750
00:41:40,239 --> 00:41:44,239
Speaker 1: Okay, So you would this be distinguished from your your

751
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 1: regular kind of fear that a kid might have being

752
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:49,359
Speaker 1: in the dark or being I mean, because all kids

753
00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:52,280
Speaker 1: kind of experience certain levels of fear. I was getting

754
00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 1: ready for the podcast today and kid bang, my youngest

755
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 1: banging on the door. There's a centipede downstairs. We're not

756
00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:00,160
Speaker 1: talking about that kind of this.

757
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:05,240
Speaker 3: This child is afraid of relationships and they're afraid they're broken.

758
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 3: So this child is you know, so as teenagers, they're

759
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 3: going to cut themselves, they're going to consider a suicide ideation,

760
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:20,400
Speaker 3: they're going to destroy every relationship they're in for different

761
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 3: reasons and one different every day. They need help.

762
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:26,000
Speaker 1: And let me just add this in here in terms

763
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 1: of I think there can be a stigma sometimes in

764
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:33,560
Speaker 1: circles about counseling. Counseling is amazing, and I've had issues.

765
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:38,080
Speaker 1: One of my closest friends as a trained counselor, and

766
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,480
Speaker 1: she's actually been on the show. She's amazing. And we've

767
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:43,719
Speaker 1: been through various things in our parenting, various things in

768
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 1: my marriage where I'm like, I just need some counseling,

769
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,480
Speaker 1: and it's something we shouldn't be afraid of. It's something

770
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:53,200
Speaker 1: we should embrace and love. God has given that gift

771
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:56,960
Speaker 1: of counsel to certain individuals, and availing ourselves of that

772
00:42:57,120 --> 00:42:59,399
Speaker 1: and our children of that is something we should never

773
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:03,440
Speaker 1: feel bad about or guilty about or are ashamed of.

774
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:08,440
Speaker 1: I'm a big believer in godly counseling, whether that's just

775
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,880
Speaker 1: with a friend or whether it's really on a legitimate

776
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:16,040
Speaker 1: professional level. Let me just say this. I can think

777
00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:19,320
Speaker 1: back over some marriages of some friends. I've been married

778
00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 1: for close to thirty years now, and there've been a

779
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:24,919
Speaker 1: lot of marriages that I've seen gone the wayside that ended,

780
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 1: and there was often in many of those instances, a

781
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:32,400
Speaker 1: situation where one of the spouse was begging to go

782
00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:34,359
Speaker 1: to counseling and the other one refused. I can think

783
00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 1: of another instance right now with a friend of mine

784
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 1: who's going through something and she really wants to get

785
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 1: counseling with the kids, and the husband's like, no, no,

786
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:43,920
Speaker 1: we don't have a problem, and he's like resistant to that,

787
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:46,480
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, my goodness, if you would just

788
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: go to a good and godly counselor, it just is

789
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:53,240
Speaker 1: so amazing. So I just wanted to give a plug

790
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,200
Speaker 1: in for that because you were mentioned counseling, and I

791
00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:57,360
Speaker 1: think sometimes people have a stigma about that, and we

792
00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:59,920
Speaker 1: should not. We should avail ourselves of those people that

793
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 1: God especially gifted to be godly counsels and it can

794
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,320
Speaker 1: bring so much relief, so much direction, so much healing

795
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,719
Speaker 1: in our lives. I've availed myself of it because I

796
00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 1: struggled with depression and anxiety. The last episode was a

797
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:17,120
Speaker 1: lot on mental illness and helping that, and so that

798
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:19,560
Speaker 1: has been a tremendous blessing to me throughout the years.

799
00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,120
Speaker 1: What final thoughts and advice do you have to give

800
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:25,600
Speaker 1: us today, Bill, on our parenting. Now that we understand

801
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 1: the four different types of attachment styles that our kids

802
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:33,920
Speaker 1: might have, How can we just any parting words of

803
00:44:33,960 --> 00:44:35,480
Speaker 1: wisdom that you have for Let.

804
00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:38,880
Speaker 3: Me recommend a book for those parents who are struggling

805
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 3: with maybe a fearful child adopted is called Beyond Consequences

806
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,920
Speaker 3: Christian Lady and her stuff is amazing. Her name is

807
00:44:46,960 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 3: Heather Forbes fo r Bes Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, brilliant,

808
00:44:55,480 --> 00:45:00,880
Speaker 3: brilliant book attached to theory based Christian and she works

809
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:04,600
Speaker 3: with people who have particularly troubled adopted kids and does

810
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 3: her conferences are amazing. So I would leave with the

811
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:13,239
Speaker 3: quote from Uri Bron from Brunner, Every child, every adolescent,

812
00:45:13,320 --> 00:45:17,360
Speaker 3: every person needs at least one adult who is irrationally

813
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,160
Speaker 3: crazy about him or her and they feel it when

814
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:24,160
Speaker 3: they're in their present. That in itself will start undermining

815
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:26,680
Speaker 3: social media's hold on our kids.

816
00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:29,120
Speaker 1: I agree, and I think as you were saying that,

817
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:33,080
Speaker 1: when I was realizing that we as parents may need

818
00:45:33,120 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: to go through some healing ourselves obviously in order to

819
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 1: be able to really.

820
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:40,319
Speaker 3: The first two tips in Good Enough Parent is for.

821
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:43,520
Speaker 1: The parents, Yeah, Because if we can't feel that love

822
00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 1: from our heavenly father, it's very hard to express that

823
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: love to our kids.

824
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:48,839
Speaker 3: Ok, we're faking it.

825
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:51,399
Speaker 1: And so yeah, we are faking it. So we need

826
00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:54,480
Speaker 1: to be healed and healthy ourselves, and then we can

827
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:58,839
Speaker 1: be that condiment to be that crazy Bonker's parent. Of course,

828
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:01,360
Speaker 1: we still need to discipline, we still need to have boundaries,

829
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:03,880
Speaker 1: we need to have all of those things, but coming

830
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 1: because God has all of those things with us, right,

831
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:10,279
Speaker 1: but coming through that lens of just And as you've

832
00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:12,920
Speaker 1: been talking about this, I'm really encouraged to spend some

833
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: of my own prayer time with the Lord, like God,

834
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 1: let me see, let me see how crazy you are

835
00:46:19,600 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 1: about me, because I haven't always felt that. And if

836
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:25,719
Speaker 1: we can start to feel that, and then we can

837
00:46:25,760 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: just start to exhibit that more and more to our kids,

838
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:31,839
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of the hold up can

839
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:35,360
Speaker 1: be well maybe they didn't feel that. And this is

840
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 1: where good grandparenting. I have some grandparents that listen comes

841
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:41,520
Speaker 1: in because I think that's one thing that grandparents are

842
00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:47,680
Speaker 1: really great at often is being that crazy irrationally Bonker's parent.

843
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:51,080
Speaker 1: You know, grandparents to bring that love in, but they

844
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,800
Speaker 1: do need to experience that from us as parents. They

845
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,760
Speaker 1: just do. And thank you for giving us these tips,

846
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:01,040
Speaker 1: this advice helping us to enlighten us us on the

847
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:04,560
Speaker 1: different areas where our kids might have some brokenness and

848
00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 1: we might have some they do bring some healing. So

849
00:47:08,120 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: tell us once again where they can learn more about you,

850
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:15,960
Speaker 1: Bill and your all, your podcast, your ministry, and we

851
00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:18,000
Speaker 1: talked about maybe doing the book in this one.

852
00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:20,480
Speaker 3: But your book, I'll just hold this up at the end.

853
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 3: Get the book Tale of the Unlikely Prints. It's a trilogy.

854
00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:25,600
Speaker 3: There'll be two more coming out this summer. Go to

855
00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:29,400
Speaker 3: good Enough Parent, good Enough Parent on one word, Goodenough

856
00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:32,719
Speaker 3: Parent dot online. The first one's free fifteen tips. It

857
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:37,520
Speaker 3: includes this attachment theory stuff and I think you'll enjoy it.

858
00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:40,640
Speaker 3: Good Enough Parrot Too is also up there. It's a

859
00:47:40,640 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 3: slight fee, I think twenty bucks something like that, but

860
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:43,800
Speaker 3: worth it.

861
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:47,360
Speaker 1: That's nothing. Oh, that's awesome. In your book too, I

862
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:52,560
Speaker 1: want to that really addresses some of the connectedness and

863
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:55,000
Speaker 1: enoughness that our kids need to feel. So, if you

864
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:59,719
Speaker 1: have an adolescent child teen age, what age range did

865
00:47:59,760 --> 00:47:59,920
Speaker 1: you have?

866
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:03,440
Speaker 3: Tend to ten to fifteen on this first one, twelve

867
00:48:03,520 --> 00:48:04,919
Speaker 3: to seventeen on the second one.

868
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:08,960
Speaker 1: Great, Okay, I was telling you before the show I

869
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:12,120
Speaker 1: had a woman on earlier this year Lorie Christine, and

870
00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:14,920
Speaker 1: she has a book out. I forget the exact title.

871
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 1: I got it for my son, and my son is

872
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:20,400
Speaker 1: like rabbit baball player, really doesn't get into books, and

873
00:48:20,440 --> 00:48:22,719
Speaker 1: he devoured that thing in a few days. So I'm

874
00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:25,799
Speaker 1: looking forward to getting this one for my son. I

875
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:29,239
Speaker 1: think getting them into a book that would really reinforce

876
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,319
Speaker 1: some of the ideas of connectedness that that is one

877
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:34,520
Speaker 1: of the most beautiful ways that we can do. That

878
00:48:34,719 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: is if we can get it's it's kind of through

879
00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:39,120
Speaker 1: the back door. But that's what our culture does because

880
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,320
Speaker 1: they're teaching them virtue.

881
00:48:40,600 --> 00:48:42,160
Speaker 3: And that's what social media is doing.

882
00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:45,160
Speaker 1: Exactly what are they teaching. They're teaching our kids all

883
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:48,680
Speaker 1: the wrong things. So let's put something fun and exciting

884
00:48:48,760 --> 00:48:50,920
Speaker 1: and productive in her kid's hands and then they can

885
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: learn about connectedness and enoughness.

886
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,279
Speaker 3: So this book is not going to say any of

887
00:48:56,320 --> 00:48:58,200
Speaker 3: that stuff we just talked about today. It's not even

888
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 3: going to present the gospel and talk about Jesus, but

889
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:04,759
Speaker 3: subconsciously it is planting beautiful gospel seats.

890
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:07,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, we were talking before the show. We do a

891
00:49:07,239 --> 00:49:10,479
Speaker 1: classical Christian education, and that's one of the ideas behind

892
00:49:10,480 --> 00:49:12,920
Speaker 1: a classical Christian education is that you really helped to

893
00:49:12,960 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: shape the virtues and the ideas and the foundational principles

894
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:19,640
Speaker 1: of a child's life through great literature. And so much

895
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,879
Speaker 1: of the literature out today is not doing that, is it.

896
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:23,320
Speaker 1: We do a whole we We're gonna have to have

897
00:49:23,400 --> 00:49:25,759
Speaker 1: you back sometime. We'll do a whole episode because if

898
00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:29,719
Speaker 1: you look at the Hunger Game's trilogy, it's just I mean,

899
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,840
Speaker 1: it was a fascinating trilogy, and it had some redeems Tolkien.

900
00:49:33,080 --> 00:49:36,120
Speaker 3: Tolkien, you know, the Lord of the Rings. He hated

901
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:40,040
Speaker 3: Herbert's Doom. You know it's a big deal right now. Yeah, yeah,

902
00:49:40,080 --> 00:49:42,640
Speaker 3: there was a reason why, and we can talk about it.

903
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:45,399
Speaker 1: Oh that's okay, you what in my appetite. We're gonna

904
00:49:45,400 --> 00:49:48,440
Speaker 1: have to have you back because I think really addressing this.

905
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,600
Speaker 1: I realized I needed to read the Hunger Games trilogy

906
00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:53,799
Speaker 1: when one of home school kids came and did a

907
00:49:53,800 --> 00:49:55,440
Speaker 1: book report on it. I'm like, well, let me read this,

908
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,359
Speaker 1: let me watch it. And I'm not saying it's all bad.

909
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 3: I'm not. There were some well it's well written. Oh

910
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:03,719
Speaker 3: my goodness, it's a great story. And Tolkien and C. S.

911
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:06,800
Speaker 3: Lewis would say, it actually increases the insecurity of our children.

912
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:11,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, it did not have that consolation or that redemptive

913
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,240
Speaker 1: factor at the end of it, because everything is still

914
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:16,879
Speaker 1: broken at the end of it. So yeah, okay, there

915
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:18,680
Speaker 1: we go. We're gonna have to do that. We'll have

916
00:50:18,719 --> 00:50:20,399
Speaker 1: to get you back on and we'll have to talk

917
00:50:20,440 --> 00:50:24,040
Speaker 1: about how we can help shape our kid's character and

918
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 1: how that can be a part of their spiritual formation.

919
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:29,680
Speaker 1: Books through books, through great books. We need to get

920
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 1: our kids into books. I love them. I have one

921
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,000
Speaker 1: that doesn't like to read so much or struggles really

922
00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:36,359
Speaker 1: she actually did, but will listen to them. Just start

923
00:50:36,400 --> 00:50:39,239
Speaker 1: listening to them. But thanks again for being on the show. Bell,

924
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:40,359
Speaker 1: It's been wonderful to give.

925
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:42,200
Speaker 3: It was a lot of fun. You're a great host.

926
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:45,040
Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you. You're a great guest. So we'll

927
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:47,640
Speaker 1: have you back on sometime to talk more more about that.

928
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:55,520
Speaker 1: Those four attachment styles again are secure, anxious, fearful, and avoidant.

929
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:59,080
Speaker 1: If your child is in one of the unhealthy categories,

930
00:50:59,160 --> 00:51:03,520
Speaker 1: anything but sure, be sure to check out Bill's resources

931
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 1: at goodenoughparent dot com. Thanks for joining us today and

932
00:51:08,920 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 1: as always, remember God gave you your kids, your specific

933
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:17,520
Speaker 1: kids for a reason. That's because you hold the key

934
00:51:17,960 --> 00:51:21,839
Speaker 1: to unlocking who God created them to be. We'll see

935
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:22,399
Speaker 1: you next time.

936
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:32,600
Speaker 4: Christian parent Crazy World is a production of Life Audio

937
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:35,440
Speaker 4: and Salem Media. If you liked what you heard today,

938
00:51:35,560 --> 00:51:38,480
Speaker 4: please take a second to rate and review this podcast

939
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 4: in your favorite podcast app so that more listeners like

940
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:45,960
Speaker 4: you can find the show. For more faith filled inspirational podcasts,

941
00:51:46,200 --> 00:51:56,000
Speaker 4: visit us at lifeaudio dot com.