1 00:00:20,196 --> 00:00:23,236 Speaker 1: Hi, friend, I'm so glad you're here today. Let's learn 2 00:00:23,276 --> 00:00:26,876 Speaker 1: how to raise our kids to love God, respect authority, 3 00:00:27,196 --> 00:00:31,036 Speaker 1: and do what's right. Let's scroll less and live more. 4 00:00:31,356 --> 00:00:38,276 Speaker 1: I'm Arlene Pelicane and this is a happy home. I'm 5 00:00:38,275 --> 00:00:41,275 Speaker 1: so happy to be with my friend Laurie Wildenberg. We 6 00:00:41,316 --> 00:00:43,516 Speaker 1: get to see each other in real life at D 7 00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:47,156 Speaker 1: six conferences, family conferences, and others. And she has this 8 00:00:47,236 --> 00:00:52,515 Speaker 1: wonderful book, Grandparents Make grand Partners, How to have an 9 00:00:52,516 --> 00:00:55,875 Speaker 1: internal impact on your grandchild's life. Lurie, thanks so much 10 00:00:55,916 --> 00:00:57,356 Speaker 1: for coming on the podcast. 11 00:00:57,715 --> 00:01:01,356 Speaker 2: Oh Arlene, I am thrilled to be here and to 12 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:01,916 Speaker 2: be with you. 13 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,115 Speaker 3: I love it. 14 00:01:03,756 --> 00:01:08,596 Speaker 1: Yes, we're going to talk about how adult children can 15 00:01:08,676 --> 00:01:13,316 Speaker 1: get along better with their parents, how to involve grandparents 16 00:01:13,396 --> 00:01:15,636 Speaker 1: if you feel like, why aren't my grandparents doing? Like 17 00:01:15,636 --> 00:01:17,875 Speaker 1: why aren't their grandparents doing more? And then also how 18 00:01:17,916 --> 00:01:20,276 Speaker 1: to say, hey, grand parent, you're doing too much. So 19 00:01:20,316 --> 00:01:23,836 Speaker 1: we're gonna go talk about all those things. How many 20 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:26,875 Speaker 1: grandkids do you have and your children give us. 21 00:01:26,756 --> 00:01:31,476 Speaker 2: That, Well, we have five and I'd actually like to 22 00:01:31,515 --> 00:01:35,516 Speaker 2: say six because the sixth one is due in October. 23 00:01:36,075 --> 00:01:38,435 Speaker 3: Yeah, so we're so excited. 24 00:01:38,996 --> 00:01:44,395 Speaker 2: We've got two grand girls and or excuse me, three 25 00:01:44,556 --> 00:01:47,716 Speaker 2: grand girls and soon to be four grand girls and 26 00:01:47,796 --> 00:01:51,396 Speaker 2: two grandsons. And one of the grandsons is thinking, this 27 00:01:51,476 --> 00:01:53,756 Speaker 2: is getting quite unfair that they're outnumbered. 28 00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:56,316 Speaker 4: That's hilarious, that's adorable. 29 00:01:56,436 --> 00:01:58,236 Speaker 1: And I think, and you have two children, one that 30 00:01:58,276 --> 00:02:01,076 Speaker 1: lives close to you and one that's further away from you. 31 00:02:01,196 --> 00:02:01,716 Speaker 4: Is that right? 32 00:02:01,916 --> 00:02:04,476 Speaker 3: We have four? We have four kiddos. 33 00:02:04,596 --> 00:02:06,956 Speaker 4: I gave you say two few children. That's awful. 34 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:14,876 Speaker 2: So we've got three of course live one in San Diego. 35 00:02:14,996 --> 00:02:17,076 Speaker 4: I was thinking of who has the grandkids. That's where 36 00:02:17,076 --> 00:02:18,636 Speaker 4: my brain was going, Yes. 37 00:02:18,596 --> 00:02:22,236 Speaker 2: Yep, yep, and that's that's right. So yes, out of 38 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:28,956 Speaker 2: the four, three are married and then two currently have 39 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:33,716 Speaker 2: the kiddos and the other one is expecting soon. 40 00:02:33,876 --> 00:02:35,596 Speaker 3: Yeah, but I would count that one. 41 00:02:36,395 --> 00:02:36,675 Speaker 4: Yes. 42 00:02:37,236 --> 00:02:39,796 Speaker 1: In your book grandparents, you realize as you're reading it, like, 43 00:02:39,835 --> 00:02:42,236 Speaker 1: wait a minute, grandparents are like a force. They are 44 00:02:42,356 --> 00:02:44,956 Speaker 1: a third of our population. 45 00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:45,555 Speaker 4: In the United States. 46 00:02:45,876 --> 00:02:48,755 Speaker 1: They have an average of five to six grandkids as 47 00:02:48,796 --> 00:02:52,236 Speaker 1: you do. They and then they're no longer gray haired 48 00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:55,076 Speaker 1: as you are showing us right now. If anyone's watching 49 00:02:55,115 --> 00:02:58,275 Speaker 1: on Spotify or YouTube, you you know, so the average 50 00:02:58,276 --> 00:03:01,675 Speaker 1: age now is fifty years for women and a few 51 00:03:01,756 --> 00:03:04,476 Speaker 1: years older for men, and generally between the ages of 52 00:03:04,516 --> 00:03:07,275 Speaker 1: forty to sixty is kind of what we're talking about. 53 00:03:07,356 --> 00:03:10,236 Speaker 4: So, I mean, these are pretty young. The whole idea 54 00:03:10,276 --> 00:03:10,596 Speaker 4: of like. 55 00:03:10,555 --> 00:03:14,876 Speaker 1: A senior citizen, very old, gray haired grandma that smells 56 00:03:14,916 --> 00:03:18,516 Speaker 1: funny like that is not the grandma of today, is it. 57 00:03:19,076 --> 00:03:22,116 Speaker 3: No, And we want to be involved. 58 00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:27,956 Speaker 2: When you know, people in my generation were raising kids, 59 00:03:27,996 --> 00:03:31,516 Speaker 2: we wanted to be involved in those kids' lives. We 60 00:03:31,516 --> 00:03:35,716 Speaker 2: were probably more involved than our parents were with us. 61 00:03:36,356 --> 00:03:40,316 Speaker 2: And so we have taken that same passion and now 62 00:03:40,396 --> 00:03:45,556 Speaker 2: you see many, not all, but many grandparents highly involved 63 00:03:45,956 --> 00:03:50,716 Speaker 2: in their grandkids' lives. Sadly, some have fallen into what 64 00:03:50,796 --> 00:03:55,836 Speaker 2: I would call the retirement lie of thinking, oh, you know, 65 00:03:55,956 --> 00:03:59,476 Speaker 2: I've paid my dues and now it's time just to 66 00:03:59,516 --> 00:04:04,076 Speaker 2: be all about me. And there's nothing wrong with, of course, 67 00:04:04,196 --> 00:04:07,036 Speaker 2: pursuing personal endeavors and having the time to do that. 68 00:04:07,036 --> 00:04:10,516 Speaker 3: That's really awesome. Yet we don't want to. 69 00:04:10,556 --> 00:04:14,636 Speaker 2: Forget about the great call that God has put on grandparents' lives, 70 00:04:14,756 --> 00:04:18,796 Speaker 2: and that is to be a part of the grandchildren's lives, 71 00:04:18,996 --> 00:04:25,036 Speaker 2: to pass on a legacy of faith, and boy, it's 72 00:04:25,276 --> 00:04:28,156 Speaker 2: it's really it's a command in Deuteronomy four nine. It 73 00:04:28,196 --> 00:04:31,156 Speaker 2: is it's a command for us grandparents to be involved 74 00:04:31,196 --> 00:04:35,036 Speaker 2: in that way. So I'm very passionate about it. 75 00:04:35,076 --> 00:04:37,716 Speaker 3: And Arleen, you are so right. 76 00:04:37,876 --> 00:04:42,436 Speaker 2: I mean, we are a different breed than our folks were, 77 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:46,275 Speaker 2: and that can come with positives and negatives. 78 00:04:46,315 --> 00:04:48,596 Speaker 4: Of course, yes, let's go to that. 79 00:04:48,796 --> 00:04:51,556 Speaker 1: So if you have a mom or a dad and 80 00:04:51,755 --> 00:04:55,315 Speaker 1: they are in this leisure lifestyle, like I have paid 81 00:04:55,315 --> 00:04:57,756 Speaker 1: my dues, I am not just taking one cruise. 82 00:04:57,836 --> 00:05:00,755 Speaker 4: I am taking one a month. You know, I'm unavailable 83 00:05:01,236 --> 00:05:01,996 Speaker 4: for babysitting. 84 00:05:02,076 --> 00:05:04,955 Speaker 1: If I'm local, i am I'm not willing to come 85 00:05:04,996 --> 00:05:06,156 Speaker 1: out and visit you. 86 00:05:06,356 --> 00:05:09,836 Speaker 4: How you know, to help out? How does that? How 87 00:05:09,836 --> 00:05:11,196 Speaker 4: would you reach that grandparent? 88 00:05:11,276 --> 00:05:14,916 Speaker 1: What should that person say to try to nudge that 89 00:05:14,996 --> 00:05:17,396 Speaker 1: grandparent to be more involved in the kids' lives. 90 00:05:17,596 --> 00:05:20,276 Speaker 3: Boy, yeah, that that is an issue. 91 00:05:20,315 --> 00:05:22,836 Speaker 2: That is one of the issues that parents face with 92 00:05:23,676 --> 00:05:26,836 Speaker 2: the grandparents. And when I was working on the book, 93 00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:31,476 Speaker 2: I did interview many that had that particular situation. 94 00:05:32,396 --> 00:05:36,356 Speaker 3: And what I think the first thing. 95 00:05:36,356 --> 00:05:39,755 Speaker 2: Is is to assume the best that that's what I 96 00:05:39,796 --> 00:05:46,356 Speaker 2: would start with. Perhaps they don't know that you want 97 00:05:46,356 --> 00:05:50,996 Speaker 2: them involved, that that is a possibility, and to extend 98 00:05:51,036 --> 00:05:54,436 Speaker 2: the invitation to say, boy, the kids love you so 99 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:57,636 Speaker 2: much and we love you and you are an important, 100 00:05:57,636 --> 00:06:00,596 Speaker 2: critical part of the family. We sure would like to 101 00:06:00,676 --> 00:06:04,035 Speaker 2: have you be We'd like to see you more, We'd 102 00:06:04,116 --> 00:06:07,236 Speaker 2: like to have you know, be with us a little more, 103 00:06:07,276 --> 00:06:11,596 Speaker 2: and be more specific about the invitation. There are some 104 00:06:11,836 --> 00:06:16,476 Speaker 2: grandparents that hold back because they don't want to interfere 105 00:06:17,315 --> 00:06:20,835 Speaker 2: and they're afraid that that's what they are doing. For 106 00:06:20,996 --> 00:06:26,916 Speaker 2: the grandparents that really do understand that the you know, 107 00:06:26,996 --> 00:06:31,476 Speaker 2: their adult children want them involved and they don't perhaps 108 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:36,955 Speaker 2: want to be the babysitter. That's okay because they don't 109 00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,236 Speaker 2: have to do that. What they can do, though, is 110 00:06:39,276 --> 00:06:44,236 Speaker 2: still participate in going to the games and family dinners 111 00:06:44,356 --> 00:06:48,476 Speaker 2: and things like like this, and to have the conversations 112 00:06:48,556 --> 00:06:52,196 Speaker 2: about what that role is going to look like. Because 113 00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:57,516 Speaker 2: what I've also discovered is the grandparents typically have an 114 00:06:57,556 --> 00:07:01,075 Speaker 2: idea of what grandparenting is going to look like prior 115 00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:07,076 Speaker 2: to those grandkids coming and the children their adult children 116 00:07:07,676 --> 00:07:10,796 Speaker 2: also have a view and they don't necessarily mesh. 117 00:07:11,036 --> 00:07:11,916 Speaker 4: They may not match. 118 00:07:12,316 --> 00:07:15,436 Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's time to have the conversation on what 119 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,996 Speaker 2: that's going to look like, and it's really important we 120 00:07:19,036 --> 00:07:22,716 Speaker 2: have it with respect and kindness. And I think if 121 00:07:22,796 --> 00:07:26,356 Speaker 2: you can start with assuming the best and implementing the 122 00:07:26,476 --> 00:07:29,996 Speaker 2: respect and the kindness, I do believe that you will 123 00:07:30,076 --> 00:07:35,636 Speaker 2: reach some sort of agreement in terms of what's going 124 00:07:35,676 --> 00:07:37,396 Speaker 2: to work for everyone involved. 125 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:41,276 Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm seeing like if you are pregnant with your 126 00:07:41,316 --> 00:07:45,036 Speaker 1: first baby, and then you have this conversation with your 127 00:07:45,476 --> 00:07:49,116 Speaker 1: in laws, with your parents, what are your expectations of 128 00:07:49,196 --> 00:07:51,396 Speaker 1: being a grandparenting? And then they ask you what are 129 00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:54,196 Speaker 1: your expectations of us as a grandparent and you kind. 130 00:07:54,076 --> 00:07:56,276 Speaker 4: Of talk through that. That sure does help a lot. 131 00:07:56,356 --> 00:07:58,676 Speaker 1: And then if you are already in it, you know 132 00:07:58,756 --> 00:08:01,636 Speaker 1: your grandkids are twelve and fifteen, I mean, it's still 133 00:08:01,676 --> 00:08:04,715 Speaker 1: never too late to have a dinner together, a zoom 134 00:08:04,756 --> 00:08:07,756 Speaker 1: call together, something to say like, hey, how can we 135 00:08:07,836 --> 00:08:08,436 Speaker 1: help each other? 136 00:08:08,516 --> 00:08:10,956 Speaker 4: What are your expectations? What are our expectations? 137 00:08:10,996 --> 00:08:14,196 Speaker 1: You know from hearing this podcast, from this moment forward, 138 00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:17,116 Speaker 1: that's a conversation. And as you're talking, Laurie, it made 139 00:08:17,156 --> 00:08:20,476 Speaker 1: me realize the attitude is so important. If you are 140 00:08:20,556 --> 00:08:23,956 Speaker 1: feeling like you're not here enough, you should be here 141 00:08:24,116 --> 00:08:26,796 Speaker 1: more for us than as a grandparent. You're like, I 142 00:08:26,836 --> 00:08:29,876 Speaker 1: don't want to be guilted into something. Yeah, but if 143 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,436 Speaker 1: it is like, hey, we love you and we really 144 00:08:32,676 --> 00:08:34,876 Speaker 1: enjoy when you're around, we miss you. Is there any 145 00:08:34,956 --> 00:08:37,996 Speaker 1: chance you could come over, you know, like next spring? 146 00:08:38,196 --> 00:08:41,276 Speaker 3: That sits a little different. That's totally different. 147 00:08:41,516 --> 00:08:44,276 Speaker 4: It's the exact thing. And it's and it's reversed too. 148 00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:47,756 Speaker 1: When the grandparents yes, say to us kids, why don't 149 00:08:47,796 --> 00:08:50,716 Speaker 1: you ever come see us? You you never come see it? 150 00:08:50,836 --> 00:08:53,596 Speaker 1: That doesn't sit well with the other kids either. And 151 00:08:53,676 --> 00:08:56,716 Speaker 1: it's much nicer if it's hey, we miss you, let's 152 00:08:56,756 --> 00:08:59,916 Speaker 1: have some time together. Like that whole demeanor makes all 153 00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:00,996 Speaker 1: the difference in the world. 154 00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:03,916 Speaker 3: Absolutely, I agree, one hundred percent. 155 00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:05,316 Speaker 4: Yeah. 156 00:09:05,556 --> 00:09:09,156 Speaker 1: What about the grandparent who is too involved? Right they 157 00:09:09,756 --> 00:09:13,756 Speaker 1: let's say, they just say too much. They're giving way 158 00:09:13,836 --> 00:09:14,676 Speaker 1: too much advice. 159 00:09:15,396 --> 00:09:16,436 Speaker 4: How do you approach this? 160 00:09:16,636 --> 00:09:19,436 Speaker 1: I think it's easier to approach it if it's your parents, 161 00:09:19,676 --> 00:09:20,436 Speaker 1: because you could be. 162 00:09:20,396 --> 00:09:22,596 Speaker 4: Like mom, dad, please enough. 163 00:09:23,076 --> 00:09:26,476 Speaker 1: But if it's your in laws, so give us advice 164 00:09:26,876 --> 00:09:29,076 Speaker 1: for if it's your parent that's too talkative, and then 165 00:09:29,116 --> 00:09:32,196 Speaker 1: if it's your in law that's too talkative, well. 166 00:09:32,076 --> 00:09:34,836 Speaker 2: I think it is up to the adult child of 167 00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:37,116 Speaker 2: the offending parent. 168 00:09:38,636 --> 00:09:43,316 Speaker 3: To be the one to say something. There will always 169 00:09:43,356 --> 00:09:45,076 Speaker 3: be more grace. 170 00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:49,076 Speaker 2: For the child the adult child. There just will be, 171 00:09:49,916 --> 00:09:52,956 Speaker 2: and it will just come across so much better. So, 172 00:09:53,236 --> 00:09:56,116 Speaker 2: first of all, that's where you need to start. And 173 00:09:56,236 --> 00:10:02,156 Speaker 2: I think being direct rather than dropping hints is a 174 00:10:02,156 --> 00:10:08,436 Speaker 2: little kinder. It's you know, speaking those expectations and it's 175 00:10:08,516 --> 00:10:13,156 Speaker 2: better to speak it. So, for instance, we had a 176 00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:18,476 Speaker 2: situation where, okay, what my eight year old grandson, Arlene, 177 00:10:18,556 --> 00:10:20,196 Speaker 2: he is really good at football. 178 00:10:20,516 --> 00:10:22,476 Speaker 3: I mean, he is really good. And I'm not just 179 00:10:22,516 --> 00:10:26,676 Speaker 3: saying it because i'm his memy. He is really good. 180 00:10:27,356 --> 00:10:30,156 Speaker 2: And I'm going to say, I'm probably one of the 181 00:10:30,156 --> 00:10:33,836 Speaker 2: biggest fans, and I'm not a quiet one, and you're 182 00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:37,996 Speaker 2: probably right, Yes, I'm so excited about, you know, when 183 00:10:38,036 --> 00:10:41,916 Speaker 2: he gets an interception or when he makes a touchdown, whatever, 184 00:10:41,956 --> 00:10:46,076 Speaker 2: you know, I am all about it. Well, apparently this 185 00:10:46,116 --> 00:10:51,716 Speaker 2: has been a little embarrassing from by my adult son, 186 00:10:52,596 --> 00:10:55,236 Speaker 2: and you know he's he's also the coach, so that 187 00:10:55,556 --> 00:10:58,636 Speaker 2: kind of oh, how funny. Yes, so he wanted me 188 00:10:58,756 --> 00:11:02,076 Speaker 2: to tone it down a little, and so he he 189 00:11:02,156 --> 00:11:04,116 Speaker 2: called me and you know, we had a nice little 190 00:11:04,116 --> 00:11:07,596 Speaker 2: conversation and then he goes, hey, Mom, can I can 191 00:11:07,636 --> 00:11:10,756 Speaker 2: I ask a favor of you? Could you kind of 192 00:11:10,756 --> 00:11:12,956 Speaker 2: tone it down a little bit at the at the 193 00:11:12,996 --> 00:11:18,516 Speaker 2: games and you know, maybe more privately, you know, compliment 194 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:22,956 Speaker 2: and courage encourage his son. And you know what, that 195 00:11:23,196 --> 00:11:28,116 Speaker 2: was really good because I was only thinking about all 196 00:11:28,156 --> 00:11:30,476 Speaker 2: I was thinking about what was happening on the field. 197 00:11:30,596 --> 00:11:33,156 Speaker 3: I didn't have the perspective of. 198 00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:38,996 Speaker 2: Anything else, right, my son had the bigger perspective, and 199 00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:44,596 Speaker 2: you know, he wants he really didn't want all that 200 00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:49,956 Speaker 2: huge attention. And he said that to me, and he 201 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:52,876 Speaker 2: said it in a kind and funny way, right. He 202 00:11:53,636 --> 00:11:57,236 Speaker 2: wasn't he wasn't angry. He was just like, hey, Mom, 203 00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:59,476 Speaker 2: you know, take it down a couple knots. 204 00:11:59,476 --> 00:12:01,116 Speaker 4: Could you do me a favor? Which is a really 205 00:12:01,236 --> 00:12:02,036 Speaker 4: nice way to say that. 206 00:12:02,316 --> 00:12:06,356 Speaker 3: Yeah, and that I received that. 207 00:12:06,516 --> 00:12:11,476 Speaker 2: And I think, and you know, if your adult child 208 00:12:11,956 --> 00:12:16,396 Speaker 2: can come to you with gentleness and respect, for sure, 209 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:20,356 Speaker 2: which is what my son did, if they can come 210 00:12:20,396 --> 00:12:24,276 Speaker 2: to you like that, it is of course better received. 211 00:12:24,396 --> 00:12:29,116 Speaker 2: I mean, everyone receives a correction better if it if 212 00:12:29,156 --> 00:12:33,956 Speaker 2: it is done with love. So I think that that 213 00:12:34,156 --> 00:12:38,276 Speaker 2: is the best way that we can go about working 214 00:12:38,356 --> 00:12:41,676 Speaker 2: through a conflict. It doesn't have to be big. It 215 00:12:42,236 --> 00:12:44,676 Speaker 2: can just be something that just needs to be said 216 00:12:44,716 --> 00:12:45,516 Speaker 2: and then it's over with. 217 00:12:46,076 --> 00:12:46,996 Speaker 4: Yeah. 218 00:12:47,316 --> 00:12:49,716 Speaker 1: You know our friend Jim Burns, he talks about how 219 00:12:49,916 --> 00:12:55,436 Speaker 1: unsolicited when it comes to adult kids, unsolicited advice feels 220 00:12:55,676 --> 00:13:00,036 Speaker 1: like criticism. So when grandma and grandpa have this advice 221 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,196 Speaker 1: you know, oh, you know, you really should dress her 222 00:13:02,196 --> 00:13:05,516 Speaker 1: warmer it's a cold day, you know, it feels like, Okay, 223 00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:07,676 Speaker 1: you're criticizing me because you think I do not know 224 00:13:07,676 --> 00:13:11,996 Speaker 1: how to dress my own child. So if your parent 225 00:13:12,436 --> 00:13:15,636 Speaker 1: or in law is giving a lot of this unsolicited criticism, 226 00:13:15,956 --> 00:13:18,196 Speaker 1: what would what what a good? 227 00:13:18,396 --> 00:13:20,076 Speaker 4: What might have conversations sound like? 228 00:13:20,876 --> 00:13:21,076 Speaker 3: Yeah? 229 00:13:21,116 --> 00:13:25,116 Speaker 2: I think from the the adult child, I mean even 230 00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:31,876 Speaker 2: just speaking it, Hey mom, hey dad, when you said 231 00:13:32,276 --> 00:13:34,996 Speaker 2: blah blah blah to my wife or to my husband, 232 00:13:35,556 --> 00:13:39,716 Speaker 2: I know you didn't mean it to come across whatever. Again, 233 00:13:39,876 --> 00:13:42,236 Speaker 2: assume the bat right, Yeah, you didn't mean it to 234 00:13:42,316 --> 00:13:45,716 Speaker 2: come across this way. I'd like you to know that 235 00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:50,716 Speaker 2: it it was received differently and partly because you know, 236 00:13:50,756 --> 00:13:54,636 Speaker 2: and partly because the in law is in law, right, 237 00:13:54,676 --> 00:13:57,796 Speaker 2: didn't grow up in your home and usually that's where 238 00:13:57,836 --> 00:14:01,516 Speaker 2: the rub is. It's more often than not with with 239 00:14:01,596 --> 00:14:04,876 Speaker 2: the in laws, just because they're they don't have the 240 00:14:04,996 --> 00:14:08,036 Speaker 2: history with you, and they're not going to have. 241 00:14:08,516 --> 00:14:09,676 Speaker 3: Just as much grace. 242 00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:15,836 Speaker 2: That's that's just how it works with your adult child. 243 00:14:16,036 --> 00:14:16,276 Speaker 3: You know. 244 00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:20,436 Speaker 2: Sometimes that can get pretty hard because because there are 245 00:14:20,556 --> 00:14:23,756 Speaker 2: patterns that you notice, like let's say you were raised 246 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:24,876 Speaker 2: with a lot of that guilt. 247 00:14:25,436 --> 00:14:30,636 Speaker 3: Many of us were right, and so that is a 248 00:14:30,676 --> 00:14:32,716 Speaker 3: hot spot. Nobody wants that. 249 00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:37,076 Speaker 2: And again, I think to be direct about it, because 250 00:14:37,236 --> 00:14:41,236 Speaker 2: being indirect, you don't know if the message is received 251 00:14:41,316 --> 00:14:44,996 Speaker 2: or not, and how it's received. And I think you 252 00:14:45,196 --> 00:14:51,996 Speaker 2: just say, you know, that particular comment felt uncomfortable to me, 253 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:56,476 Speaker 2: or it was it was hurtful, I think to be 254 00:14:56,596 --> 00:15:00,036 Speaker 2: able to say it, and it does require some bravery, 255 00:15:01,036 --> 00:15:03,036 Speaker 2: but it is the best thing. 256 00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:05,436 Speaker 3: We have to have really. 257 00:15:05,516 --> 00:15:09,436 Speaker 2: Good and effective communication with one another and not to 258 00:15:09,516 --> 00:15:14,596 Speaker 2: be passive aggressive regarding the way that we talk to people, 259 00:15:15,556 --> 00:15:18,196 Speaker 2: you know, like oh, I'm glad you showed up today, 260 00:15:18,356 --> 00:15:21,116 Speaker 2: you know, or you know these sort of things, don't 261 00:15:21,556 --> 00:15:25,716 Speaker 2: We don't want that. That sits badly and it can 262 00:15:25,796 --> 00:15:30,396 Speaker 2: breed a lot of resentment and maybe even anger is 263 00:15:30,436 --> 00:15:34,276 Speaker 2: sort of stirred and there's no reason for it when 264 00:15:34,276 --> 00:15:36,116 Speaker 2: we can be kind and direct. 265 00:15:36,556 --> 00:15:39,036 Speaker 1: Yeah, I just read there's a proverb many of them 266 00:15:39,076 --> 00:15:41,156 Speaker 1: to have long life is to control the tongue. 267 00:15:41,356 --> 00:15:45,516 Speaker 4: So its oh rash this tongue of ours. Yes, I 268 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:46,916 Speaker 4: want to talk soon. 269 00:15:46,996 --> 00:15:49,876 Speaker 1: I want to ask you about how to involve grandparents 270 00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,436 Speaker 1: when they live far away, some ideas and tips on that. 271 00:15:52,916 --> 00:15:54,836 Speaker 1: But I want to ask you to share a little 272 00:15:54,836 --> 00:15:58,196 Speaker 1: bit about your daughter, Courtney, who has struggled with gender 273 00:15:58,236 --> 00:16:02,036 Speaker 1: identity issues. And in many times in our culture today, 274 00:16:02,596 --> 00:16:06,156 Speaker 1: it's like if we disagree with someone, we separate from them. 275 00:16:06,756 --> 00:16:10,116 Speaker 1: Like you know, adult kids are being told, hey, your parents, 276 00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:13,076 Speaker 1: if they look at them, they believe this about God, 277 00:16:13,156 --> 00:16:15,356 Speaker 1: or they believe this about politics, or they believe this 278 00:16:15,476 --> 00:16:18,836 Speaker 1: about raising your kids, you should cut them off because 279 00:16:18,956 --> 00:16:20,516 Speaker 1: they're toxic for you, you know. 280 00:16:20,556 --> 00:16:23,276 Speaker 4: And this is very like. 281 00:16:23,676 --> 00:16:27,076 Speaker 1: So hurtful to family. So tell us from your own 282 00:16:27,116 --> 00:16:30,396 Speaker 1: life how you have navigated. I disagree with you, but 283 00:16:30,516 --> 00:16:34,676 Speaker 1: I love you and we still are in close relationship 284 00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:35,356 Speaker 1: with one another. 285 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,036 Speaker 3: Yeah. 286 00:16:37,196 --> 00:16:40,796 Speaker 2: Respect is really the bottom line here, to be able 287 00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:47,316 Speaker 2: to be respectful of one another. And Courtney as an 288 00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:51,036 Speaker 2: adult and we respect the fact that. 289 00:16:52,556 --> 00:16:52,956 Speaker 3: This is. 290 00:16:53,116 --> 00:16:58,956 Speaker 2: You know, these are her decisions and we may not agree, 291 00:16:59,116 --> 00:17:00,516 Speaker 2: and that's okay. 292 00:17:01,116 --> 00:17:03,156 Speaker 3: My husband and I Tom. 293 00:17:02,916 --> 00:17:07,076 Speaker 2: We are very close regarding the way we view life, 294 00:17:07,116 --> 00:17:10,515 Speaker 2: but we are not exactly the same, and we are 295 00:17:10,676 --> 00:17:14,795 Speaker 2: able to give each other grace, space right to be 296 00:17:14,876 --> 00:17:18,636 Speaker 2: able to have a different thought or a different opinion 297 00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:21,196 Speaker 2: and still love each other in the midst of it. 298 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,236 Speaker 2: Courtney used to say to me one of her lines 299 00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:31,436 Speaker 2: was earlier on in some of her journey. She would 300 00:17:31,475 --> 00:17:36,275 Speaker 2: say that you don't accept me, and then I would say, 301 00:17:36,636 --> 00:17:38,916 Speaker 2: I accept and love you unconditionally. 302 00:17:39,035 --> 00:17:42,916 Speaker 3: I don't agree with you, and that's okay. 303 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:48,436 Speaker 2: We can agree to disagree and to have those conversations 304 00:17:48,475 --> 00:17:52,035 Speaker 2: and then sometimes to not have the conversation. If Courtney 305 00:17:52,076 --> 00:17:55,316 Speaker 2: and I are going out, she might say to me, Hey, Mom, 306 00:17:55,995 --> 00:17:59,515 Speaker 2: we're just going to have fun today, meaning I know 307 00:17:59,676 --> 00:18:02,156 Speaker 2: you've got me alone and you're thinking this is your 308 00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:05,836 Speaker 2: chance to say what you want to say, but I'm 309 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,916 Speaker 2: telling you, I just want to have fun with you today, 310 00:18:08,116 --> 00:18:13,796 Speaker 2: so when you can continue to work on building the relationship, 311 00:18:13,955 --> 00:18:20,235 Speaker 2: building the bridge. Ultimately, whatever the struggle, whatever the prodigal 312 00:18:20,396 --> 00:18:25,836 Speaker 2: wayward type of struggle is it honestly is not against 313 00:18:26,116 --> 00:18:31,075 Speaker 2: the parent. It is really pushing up against the Lord 314 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:37,635 Speaker 2: and faith. And if we can be a bridge that 315 00:18:38,596 --> 00:18:42,276 Speaker 2: where we can continue to strengthen our relationship in the 316 00:18:42,316 --> 00:18:46,035 Speaker 2: midst of the heartache and the hardship, we can also 317 00:18:46,156 --> 00:18:51,355 Speaker 2: be the bridge that helps draw the child closer to 318 00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:51,836 Speaker 2: the Lord. 319 00:18:53,235 --> 00:18:54,515 Speaker 3: Now, it's not true. 320 00:18:54,275 --> 00:18:57,036 Speaker 2: In every case we've been able to work through this 321 00:18:57,235 --> 00:19:02,396 Speaker 2: and have these conversations. There are situations where, sadly you 322 00:19:02,515 --> 00:19:04,916 Speaker 2: know of them too, Arlene, And I'm sure you work 323 00:19:04,916 --> 00:19:07,876 Speaker 2: with parents like I do that have this going on, 324 00:19:09,396 --> 00:19:14,275 Speaker 2: where their child or their adult child has decided that 325 00:19:14,316 --> 00:19:16,156 Speaker 2: they are going and it goes both ways. 326 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:17,916 Speaker 3: It isn't just that that way. 327 00:19:17,955 --> 00:19:20,635 Speaker 2: It seems to be more typical the adult child cutting 328 00:19:20,636 --> 00:19:21,556 Speaker 2: off the parent, but. 329 00:19:21,596 --> 00:19:24,356 Speaker 3: It also goes the other way, and. 330 00:19:25,876 --> 00:19:29,196 Speaker 2: They believe the lie that if you don't agree with me, 331 00:19:29,475 --> 00:19:33,356 Speaker 2: or if you can't line up with this way of thought, 332 00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:38,156 Speaker 2: you are out of my life. And you know that 333 00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:42,636 Speaker 2: is not the way of the Lord he wants. Truth 334 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:48,235 Speaker 2: is important, right, Truth is critical, but not but and 335 00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:53,355 Speaker 2: so is grace. We need both and we need to 336 00:19:53,396 --> 00:19:58,035 Speaker 2: meet each other where we are with truth and grace. 337 00:19:58,275 --> 00:20:04,155 Speaker 2: I don't need to compromise my convictions in order to 338 00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:07,436 Speaker 2: have a relationship with my daughter. But I have to 339 00:20:07,515 --> 00:20:13,916 Speaker 2: work very hard at communicating that and she does this, 340 00:20:14,076 --> 00:20:19,356 Speaker 2: she has to do the same. So I think again 341 00:20:19,436 --> 00:20:24,436 Speaker 2: the communication and the respect respect are really huge. 342 00:20:24,916 --> 00:20:28,715 Speaker 1: Yeah, and give the respect even before it's given to you, 343 00:20:29,076 --> 00:20:31,916 Speaker 1: like that you respect first, that you don't wait for 344 00:20:32,076 --> 00:20:33,556 Speaker 1: you to act in a certain way and then I'll 345 00:20:33,596 --> 00:20:37,795 Speaker 1: respect you, but I'm going to respect you. And maybe 346 00:20:37,796 --> 00:20:40,036 Speaker 1: for all of us listening, that we renew that respect 347 00:20:40,076 --> 00:20:42,596 Speaker 1: in our parents, even if they're bugging us right now, 348 00:20:42,715 --> 00:20:45,475 Speaker 1: or that we don't agree with them, but we renew 349 00:20:45,515 --> 00:20:47,676 Speaker 1: that we will honor them and respect them. 350 00:20:48,235 --> 00:20:50,115 Speaker 4: And you don't have to agree all the time. And 351 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:50,715 Speaker 4: that's right. 352 00:20:51,196 --> 00:20:56,755 Speaker 2: And in the challenging moments, I mean, love shows up. 353 00:20:57,035 --> 00:21:00,196 Speaker 2: I mean there's no test of love or of faith 354 00:21:00,275 --> 00:21:02,795 Speaker 2: if everything's easy, you know. 355 00:21:02,916 --> 00:21:05,315 Speaker 3: I think. 356 00:21:07,156 --> 00:21:12,075 Speaker 2: Love is really tested in some of these situations that 357 00:21:12,156 --> 00:21:18,035 Speaker 2: have more tension perhaps. And I when my kids were teenagers, 358 00:21:18,436 --> 00:21:20,396 Speaker 2: one of my lines that I used to say, you know, 359 00:21:20,436 --> 00:21:25,196 Speaker 2: when they would they maybe would have a little attitude, 360 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,035 Speaker 2: I would. 361 00:21:25,796 --> 00:21:28,156 Speaker 3: Say to them, but you have to it has to 362 00:21:28,196 --> 00:21:30,715 Speaker 3: be true. If you want to use the line. 363 00:21:31,235 --> 00:21:34,076 Speaker 2: I would say, I treat you with respect, I expect 364 00:21:34,116 --> 00:21:36,196 Speaker 2: respect in return, and. 365 00:21:36,515 --> 00:21:40,835 Speaker 3: I think if sometimes that needs. 366 00:21:40,556 --> 00:21:44,755 Speaker 2: To be verbalized, you know, but really to start out 367 00:21:45,035 --> 00:21:47,515 Speaker 2: with respect I think is quite critical. 368 00:21:48,035 --> 00:21:49,235 Speaker 4: Yeah, and to live it out. 369 00:21:49,316 --> 00:21:51,715 Speaker 1: You can't say that sentence if you didn't treat the 370 00:21:51,755 --> 00:21:55,116 Speaker 1: other person right. And this has to do with your spouse, 371 00:21:55,196 --> 00:21:58,196 Speaker 1: your children, the grandparents, everybody. 372 00:21:58,356 --> 00:21:59,316 Speaker 4: Wow, that's really good. 373 00:21:59,396 --> 00:22:01,555 Speaker 1: I love also what you said, what Courtney said, like, 374 00:22:01,596 --> 00:22:02,636 Speaker 1: we're just here to have fun. 375 00:22:02,995 --> 00:22:05,836 Speaker 4: So that really could be for the spouse. 376 00:22:05,916 --> 00:22:07,756 Speaker 1: If you guys are having a hard time, maybe it's 377 00:22:07,836 --> 00:22:09,916 Speaker 1: just like, hey, let's just go out and have fun 378 00:22:10,035 --> 00:22:12,795 Speaker 1: for the kids that you're having tension with, you know what, 379 00:22:12,916 --> 00:22:14,995 Speaker 1: let's lay it all aside and let's just go have 380 00:22:15,076 --> 00:22:16,196 Speaker 1: some fun for two hours. 381 00:22:16,275 --> 00:22:20,076 Speaker 4: And that's be really with grandparents, that could be so 382 00:22:20,076 --> 00:22:21,035 Speaker 4: so beautiful. 383 00:22:21,515 --> 00:22:23,916 Speaker 2: Well, you're so right, because you know, I mean your 384 00:22:23,955 --> 00:22:28,795 Speaker 2: Happy Home podcast, right, Yeah, Happiness draws people together. Happiness 385 00:22:28,876 --> 00:22:31,516 Speaker 2: is a good thing. You know, it's not obviously the 386 00:22:31,955 --> 00:22:35,995 Speaker 2: ultimate thing, but it is a very good relationship builder. 387 00:22:36,436 --> 00:22:40,836 Speaker 2: And to do the fun happy things are really important 388 00:22:40,836 --> 00:22:41,876 Speaker 2: in a relationship. 389 00:22:42,116 --> 00:22:44,635 Speaker 1: Yeah, what are some ways that you have stayed in 390 00:22:44,636 --> 00:22:46,995 Speaker 1: touch with your grandkids that are out of town, and 391 00:22:47,035 --> 00:22:49,436 Speaker 1: what advice would you have for you know, grandparents who 392 00:22:49,475 --> 00:22:52,315 Speaker 1: live states away to stay in touch with their grandkids. 393 00:22:52,515 --> 00:22:57,076 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it's challenging because we only have an 394 00:22:57,156 --> 00:23:02,755 Speaker 2: our time difference between Colorado and San Diego, you know, 395 00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:05,556 Speaker 2: between where we live and where our three of our 396 00:23:05,556 --> 00:23:09,556 Speaker 2: grandkids live, and that our difference, it makes a difference, 397 00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:13,315 Speaker 2: so you you really have to in some cases, like 398 00:23:13,636 --> 00:23:15,596 Speaker 2: in ours, you have to sort of plan it out 399 00:23:15,636 --> 00:23:18,795 Speaker 2: a little bit, and you try to remember, life is 400 00:23:18,995 --> 00:23:20,955 Speaker 2: crazy when they have those little ones. 401 00:23:21,196 --> 00:23:23,356 Speaker 3: There's barely a minute to. 402 00:23:23,356 --> 00:23:26,355 Speaker 2: Have a hot cup of coffee, right, I mean it is, 403 00:23:26,715 --> 00:23:30,476 Speaker 2: life is unfolding second by second, and somebody's got an 404 00:23:30,515 --> 00:23:33,436 Speaker 2: aUI and then the next person has just slipped on 405 00:23:33,475 --> 00:23:34,076 Speaker 2: some legos. 406 00:23:34,116 --> 00:23:36,436 Speaker 3: I mean, it's just like constant case. 407 00:23:37,035 --> 00:23:41,315 Speaker 2: So you know, if you can set up a time 408 00:23:41,676 --> 00:23:45,715 Speaker 2: and we've had to do this just bit by bit 409 00:23:45,876 --> 00:23:48,516 Speaker 2: versus like I know, some grandparents say this is our 410 00:23:48,596 --> 00:23:52,636 Speaker 2: standing time and that works for them. That doesn't seem 411 00:23:52,676 --> 00:23:55,755 Speaker 2: to work in our case. So what we do is 412 00:23:55,836 --> 00:23:57,715 Speaker 2: we'll say, you know, we'll call you in a few 413 00:23:57,755 --> 00:24:02,355 Speaker 2: minutes if it's you know, yeah, if it works for 414 00:24:02,436 --> 00:24:06,836 Speaker 2: you and we'll do the face time so that they 415 00:24:06,876 --> 00:24:09,476 Speaker 2: have a minute or two to sort of organize themselves 416 00:24:09,916 --> 00:24:12,795 Speaker 2: and then then we talk. That that has worked for us, 417 00:24:12,836 --> 00:24:16,956 Speaker 2: but other families, a real scheduled time helps. The FaceTime 418 00:24:17,035 --> 00:24:23,396 Speaker 2: I think is really important. I recall when our oldest 419 00:24:23,436 --> 00:24:27,795 Speaker 2: San Diego grandson, and he was the only one at 420 00:24:27,796 --> 00:24:28,235 Speaker 2: the time. 421 00:24:29,436 --> 00:24:31,755 Speaker 3: We had gone out to visit and he. 422 00:24:33,676 --> 00:24:35,635 Speaker 2: Was taking a nap and my daughter said, well, why 423 00:24:35,676 --> 00:24:39,476 Speaker 2: don't you go and get him? And I thought, oh, gosh, 424 00:24:39,676 --> 00:24:42,715 Speaker 2: he might freak out, like he hasn't seen me in 425 00:24:42,755 --> 00:24:45,916 Speaker 2: person for in his life for like a really long time. 426 00:24:45,955 --> 00:24:48,156 Speaker 3: You know, it only been a few months, but in. 427 00:24:48,035 --> 00:24:50,156 Speaker 2: His life, that was a long time, and I didn't 428 00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:52,715 Speaker 2: want to have the first interaction to be bad. 429 00:24:53,356 --> 00:24:56,196 Speaker 3: And she goes, it'll be okay. She was one hundred 430 00:24:56,196 --> 00:24:56,756 Speaker 3: percent right. 431 00:24:57,436 --> 00:25:00,436 Speaker 2: I went up and I got him, and he knew 432 00:25:00,475 --> 00:25:03,196 Speaker 2: me because of that FaceTime and I'd been there before, 433 00:25:03,235 --> 00:25:05,196 Speaker 2: but that was a long time ago in his life, 434 00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:07,755 Speaker 2: and he raises his arms. 435 00:25:07,676 --> 00:25:09,555 Speaker 3: For me to pick him up. Oh my gosh. 436 00:25:09,796 --> 00:25:13,996 Speaker 2: So don't underestimate the power of the FaceTime that. 437 00:25:14,076 --> 00:25:16,515 Speaker 1: They recognize you, and that is the screen time that 438 00:25:16,636 --> 00:25:19,515 Speaker 1: is really lovely because it's a real person talking to 439 00:25:19,556 --> 00:25:22,876 Speaker 1: you in real times, and that one is it is 440 00:25:22,916 --> 00:25:25,796 Speaker 1: our lean approved, it is yes, approve, Yes. 441 00:25:27,356 --> 00:25:28,515 Speaker 4: Let's talk about that a second. 442 00:25:28,636 --> 00:25:31,796 Speaker 1: What if the grandparents have a different like screen time 443 00:25:31,836 --> 00:25:35,156 Speaker 1: philosophy than the parents, and obviously this can translate to 444 00:25:35,196 --> 00:25:38,035 Speaker 1: any kind of parenting philosophy that's different. 445 00:25:38,356 --> 00:25:41,556 Speaker 4: What advice do you have well for. 446 00:25:41,396 --> 00:25:45,795 Speaker 2: The grandparents, I would advise you to set your ideas 447 00:25:45,876 --> 00:25:49,636 Speaker 2: aside and follow what the parents are saying. 448 00:25:51,275 --> 00:25:53,475 Speaker 4: Now, all the adult kids are about to forward this Vidya. 449 00:25:53,596 --> 00:25:58,556 Speaker 2: Yes, right, exactly exactly, but we need to be respectful 450 00:25:58,836 --> 00:26:02,276 Speaker 2: of you know, the screen time, of the food and 451 00:26:03,235 --> 00:26:05,715 Speaker 2: the gifts. These are things that I think we need 452 00:26:05,755 --> 00:26:08,995 Speaker 2: to be very aware of. And if you do have 453 00:26:09,076 --> 00:26:14,396 Speaker 2: a different idea, I think again communication and saying hey, 454 00:26:14,515 --> 00:26:18,036 Speaker 2: you know, we've got this amount of time to be together. 455 00:26:18,396 --> 00:26:23,876 Speaker 2: And they were really looking forward to what my one 456 00:26:23,876 --> 00:26:28,955 Speaker 2: of my grandkids calls funny or silly videos, which is good. 457 00:26:29,356 --> 00:26:32,196 Speaker 2: It's almost like you know that physical humor where somebody 458 00:26:32,196 --> 00:26:34,716 Speaker 2: gets bonked with something or falls and he thinks it's 459 00:26:34,796 --> 00:26:38,236 Speaker 2: hysterical and he and my husband just laugh about this, 460 00:26:38,916 --> 00:26:42,475 Speaker 2: and that's a relationship builder thing. So it, you know, 461 00:26:42,796 --> 00:26:46,475 Speaker 2: probably doesn't necessarily fit under the screen time. So if 462 00:26:46,515 --> 00:26:49,595 Speaker 2: you can talk about the reason behind something that you 463 00:26:49,755 --> 00:26:52,876 Speaker 2: might want them to have an opportunity to see that, 464 00:26:52,995 --> 00:26:54,515 Speaker 2: I think that's important too. 465 00:26:55,316 --> 00:26:57,075 Speaker 3: And for the parents to. 466 00:26:59,196 --> 00:27:04,235 Speaker 2: Maybe consider or have a little flexibility as well, that's 467 00:27:04,275 --> 00:27:09,316 Speaker 2: okay as well. But I do think first and foremost 468 00:27:09,356 --> 00:27:13,196 Speaker 2: the grandparents really need to follow the rules of the 469 00:27:13,235 --> 00:27:16,676 Speaker 2: screen time because arline, you know, this whole screen thing 470 00:27:17,196 --> 00:27:24,475 Speaker 2: has changed family and relationships, and it's a big, huge issue, 471 00:27:24,556 --> 00:27:28,356 Speaker 2: which wasn't when we were when I was raising kids, 472 00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:30,116 Speaker 2: it wasn't nearly what it is now. 473 00:27:30,596 --> 00:27:32,835 Speaker 1: Yeah, and Grandma and Grandpa's house can really be a 474 00:27:32,876 --> 00:27:35,396 Speaker 1: haven where it's like, oh, sorry, we bake cookies here 475 00:27:35,475 --> 00:27:37,916 Speaker 1: and we read books and we leave the little worms 476 00:27:37,955 --> 00:27:38,796 Speaker 1: in the ground, like. 477 00:27:38,876 --> 00:27:42,275 Speaker 4: It could really be this beautiful different place. 478 00:27:42,715 --> 00:27:44,836 Speaker 3: Yes, to find something where they're connecting. 479 00:27:45,356 --> 00:27:49,755 Speaker 1: Yeah, My last thought here is, you know, I remember 480 00:27:49,755 --> 00:27:51,555 Speaker 1: being in the grocery store and I was overhearing. I 481 00:27:51,596 --> 00:27:53,796 Speaker 1: was like picking onions, and I was overhearing these two 482 00:27:53,955 --> 00:27:56,916 Speaker 1: gentlemen talking and they're saying, Oh, my wife doesn't want 483 00:27:56,916 --> 00:27:59,516 Speaker 1: to retire. Why is that, Well, she retires, she has 484 00:27:59,556 --> 00:28:01,436 Speaker 1: to watch the grandkids and she doesn't want to do 485 00:28:01,436 --> 00:28:01,995 Speaker 1: that because. 486 00:28:01,755 --> 00:28:02,556 Speaker 4: It's so much work. 487 00:28:02,676 --> 00:28:06,196 Speaker 1: Now he's right because he knows that, like, oh, when 488 00:28:06,235 --> 00:28:09,035 Speaker 1: my wife retires, she's gonna have to watch the kids, 489 00:28:09,196 --> 00:28:11,076 Speaker 1: you know, eight hours a day, and she just doyes, 490 00:28:11,116 --> 00:28:13,396 Speaker 1: I have the physical energy for it. And we hear 491 00:28:13,515 --> 00:28:16,795 Speaker 1: this so many grandparents having you know, they don't have 492 00:28:16,836 --> 00:28:19,355 Speaker 1: the physical strength that they did when they did this 493 00:28:19,396 --> 00:28:22,196 Speaker 1: the first time around. And then now you've got all 494 00:28:22,196 --> 00:28:25,036 Speaker 1: these kids. So how can we as parents be more 495 00:28:25,076 --> 00:28:29,396 Speaker 1: appreciative of what our parents have done because many times 496 00:28:29,436 --> 00:28:30,676 Speaker 1: we take them for granted. 497 00:28:31,196 --> 00:28:35,035 Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, don't we all love a thank you and. 498 00:28:36,596 --> 00:28:40,676 Speaker 2: To say, hey, you guys are really great grandparents and 499 00:28:41,436 --> 00:28:42,876 Speaker 2: we love the relationship. 500 00:28:42,956 --> 00:28:47,436 Speaker 3: You have to really to really talk about that. 501 00:28:47,516 --> 00:28:51,956 Speaker 2: And again, that role is so important to discuss because 502 00:28:51,996 --> 00:28:58,236 Speaker 2: those expectations, why aren't they having that conversation. She's working 503 00:28:58,796 --> 00:28:59,956 Speaker 2: so that she doesn't have. 504 00:28:59,876 --> 00:29:01,036 Speaker 3: To do that's ridiculous. 505 00:29:01,596 --> 00:29:06,836 Speaker 2: Have the conversation, right, yes, So they need to talk 506 00:29:07,356 --> 00:29:11,436 Speaker 2: and to say, hey, you know what my limit is 507 00:29:11,636 --> 00:29:17,356 Speaker 2: two hours? Yes, and that's okay, you know, And sometimes 508 00:29:17,396 --> 00:29:21,636 Speaker 2: you do find that there is so it is probably 509 00:29:21,716 --> 00:29:25,076 Speaker 2: harder in some cases but there there is so much 510 00:29:25,396 --> 00:29:30,355 Speaker 2: joy to be had that perhaps those endorphins get a 511 00:29:30,356 --> 00:29:32,796 Speaker 2: little revved up and you find that you do have 512 00:29:32,876 --> 00:29:36,756 Speaker 2: more energy, you know. And but really, I think the 513 00:29:36,836 --> 00:29:39,956 Speaker 2: conversation and to be able to say, hey, you know, 514 00:29:40,036 --> 00:29:40,716 Speaker 2: I've got. 515 00:29:40,476 --> 00:29:44,236 Speaker 3: Some mobility issues. This is tough for me. 516 00:29:44,276 --> 00:29:48,956 Speaker 2: But I can totally do a couple of hours something 517 00:29:49,076 --> 00:29:54,916 Speaker 2: like that. To be specific about boundaries, but to do 518 00:29:55,156 --> 00:29:59,476 Speaker 2: one task to avoid another, rather than just have the conversation. 519 00:30:00,276 --> 00:30:04,595 Speaker 2: I think you know, that's a little I don't is 520 00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:05,636 Speaker 2: not very effective. 521 00:30:05,716 --> 00:30:06,516 Speaker 3: Shall we say. 522 00:30:09,236 --> 00:30:12,956 Speaker 1: So as we close any parting thoughts, Actually, I want 523 00:30:12,996 --> 00:30:16,916 Speaker 1: you to talk very briefly just about you know, grandparents 524 00:30:16,916 --> 00:30:19,556 Speaker 1: aren't just like, oh, that's nice, they'll help us for 525 00:30:19,596 --> 00:30:21,835 Speaker 1: an hour and give us a break like that's not 526 00:30:22,396 --> 00:30:25,556 Speaker 1: like you're so much more than that. Yes, just give 527 00:30:25,636 --> 00:30:29,196 Speaker 1: us that little glimpse of the power of a grandparent 528 00:30:29,236 --> 00:30:31,356 Speaker 1: in a child's life. 529 00:30:31,636 --> 00:30:35,036 Speaker 2: Well, what I've discovered our leading is a child needs 530 00:30:35,396 --> 00:30:40,556 Speaker 2: four to six adults in their life to really have 531 00:30:40,596 --> 00:30:45,996 Speaker 2: a healthy outlook, a healthy growing up. And this is 532 00:30:45,996 --> 00:30:47,916 Speaker 2: what the Lord says, and I had mentioned this at 533 00:30:47,916 --> 00:30:51,956 Speaker 2: the very beginning in Deuteronomy four nine. Only be careful 534 00:30:52,036 --> 00:30:56,796 Speaker 2: and watch yourselves closely, so okay, be good role models, right, 535 00:30:57,836 --> 00:31:00,396 Speaker 2: so that you do not forget the things your eyes 536 00:31:00,476 --> 00:31:03,556 Speaker 2: have seen or let them fade from your heart as 537 00:31:03,676 --> 00:31:07,956 Speaker 2: long as you live. Tell your story, Tell your faith story, 538 00:31:08,196 --> 00:31:11,276 Speaker 2: and if it needs a little editing, edit it right. 539 00:31:11,796 --> 00:31:14,516 Speaker 2: You don't have to tell every last little detail, but 540 00:31:14,596 --> 00:31:16,596 Speaker 2: tell how you came to know and love the Lord, 541 00:31:16,676 --> 00:31:19,916 Speaker 2: or what God did in your life that particular day. 542 00:31:20,436 --> 00:31:24,916 Speaker 2: Have those conversations. Teach them to your children and to 543 00:31:25,036 --> 00:31:29,196 Speaker 2: their children after them. It is a command from the Lord, 544 00:31:29,316 --> 00:31:33,476 Speaker 2: and those are such fun conversations to have. I've talked 545 00:31:33,476 --> 00:31:36,476 Speaker 2: about I use. I had this turtle growing up, and 546 00:31:36,556 --> 00:31:40,476 Speaker 2: I accidentally I called her Mary Joe, and I accidentally 547 00:31:40,516 --> 00:31:42,876 Speaker 2: sprayed her with a hot hose. The hose was sitting 548 00:31:42,916 --> 00:31:47,916 Speaker 2: outside and I scalded her and I was mortified, and 549 00:31:47,996 --> 00:31:50,516 Speaker 2: I went into my mom. I was so upset, and 550 00:31:50,556 --> 00:31:54,036 Speaker 2: she said, well, you need to pray for Mary Joe. 551 00:31:54,236 --> 00:31:58,196 Speaker 2: And so I prayed, and slowly those little eyes opened 552 00:31:58,236 --> 00:32:01,196 Speaker 2: and she was okay. And that's a story that I 553 00:32:01,356 --> 00:32:05,075 Speaker 2: tell my grandkids so that they know that prayer is 554 00:32:05,156 --> 00:32:10,076 Speaker 2: important and that God cares about the turtle. The creatures 555 00:32:10,316 --> 00:32:15,156 Speaker 2: and he cares that I care about that. So tell 556 00:32:15,196 --> 00:32:21,075 Speaker 2: your stories. And I think two in courage for the 557 00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:26,236 Speaker 2: adult children listening to encourage their parents to tell those 558 00:32:26,276 --> 00:32:30,916 Speaker 2: stories because it may not occur to them. And I 559 00:32:30,956 --> 00:32:35,516 Speaker 2: think then you have permission now again, not permission to 560 00:32:35,556 --> 00:32:40,116 Speaker 2: tell the story about when your child, your adult child 561 00:32:40,156 --> 00:32:42,756 Speaker 2: who's their dad, had a party when you weren't at home. 562 00:32:42,996 --> 00:32:45,116 Speaker 3: That's not the story you tell, right. 563 00:32:45,916 --> 00:32:49,315 Speaker 2: You tell the uplifting stories about the Lord or the 564 00:32:49,436 --> 00:32:55,756 Speaker 2: uplifting stories about their parent, and in that way you'll 565 00:32:55,796 --> 00:33:00,636 Speaker 2: strengthen relationships and hopefully draw them to the Lord. 566 00:33:01,036 --> 00:33:01,876 Speaker 4: Yeah, it's so good. 567 00:33:01,916 --> 00:33:04,315 Speaker 1: I love that, the power of the story, even for 568 00:33:04,396 --> 00:33:05,236 Speaker 1: the little turtle. 569 00:33:05,956 --> 00:33:07,516 Speaker 4: Laurie cav hind help. 570 00:33:07,396 --> 00:33:10,395 Speaker 1: Us know a little bit more about your book, and 571 00:33:10,556 --> 00:33:13,636 Speaker 1: the book is called Grandparents Make grand Partners and how 572 00:33:13,676 --> 00:33:15,115 Speaker 1: people can find out more about you. 573 00:33:15,996 --> 00:33:19,076 Speaker 2: Yes, so you can find the book on any online 574 00:33:19,276 --> 00:33:21,756 Speaker 2: shop or in a brick and mortar store. If it's 575 00:33:21,796 --> 00:33:24,595 Speaker 2: not on the shelves, it most likely is. But if 576 00:33:24,636 --> 00:33:27,196 Speaker 2: it's not on the shelves, you can ask for it. 577 00:33:28,556 --> 00:33:32,636 Speaker 2: You can find me at Loriwildenberg dot com. L O 578 00:33:32,796 --> 00:33:35,395 Speaker 2: RI I W I L D E N B E 579 00:33:35,556 --> 00:33:40,476 Speaker 2: r G dot com. I, as you know, I write 580 00:33:40,556 --> 00:33:43,716 Speaker 2: because we've been talking about the book, but also do 581 00:33:43,796 --> 00:33:46,196 Speaker 2: a lot of speaking, which I have the great pleasure 582 00:33:46,276 --> 00:33:49,716 Speaker 2: of doing some many events actually this past year with 583 00:33:49,836 --> 00:33:54,196 Speaker 2: our lean that's been really fun. And then also I 584 00:33:54,276 --> 00:33:59,075 Speaker 2: do parent and family coaching, so I would love to 585 00:33:59,156 --> 00:34:02,436 Speaker 2: be a resource for you if you are looking for 586 00:34:02,836 --> 00:34:06,756 Speaker 2: help with your child or your grandchild regarding prodigal issues 587 00:34:06,876 --> 00:34:12,475 Speaker 2: or mental health or discipline or relationship type stuff. 588 00:34:12,236 --> 00:34:12,315 Speaker 1: So. 589 00:34:14,116 --> 00:34:15,116 Speaker 3: You can find me there. 590 00:34:15,156 --> 00:34:18,916 Speaker 2: And of course I'm all over Facebook Loriwildenberg and also 591 00:34:19,156 --> 00:34:21,036 Speaker 2: on Instagram. 592 00:34:20,476 --> 00:34:22,676 Speaker 1: And we'll have those links in the show notes. Thank 593 00:34:22,716 --> 00:34:25,476 Speaker 1: you Laurie so much for your time and your wisdom 594 00:34:25,556 --> 00:34:26,316 Speaker 1: for us today. 595 00:34:26,876 --> 00:34:29,156 Speaker 3: Thanks Charlene, it has been a great pleasure to be 596 00:34:29,236 --> 00:34:30,036 Speaker 3: with you, my friend. 597 00:34:31,876 --> 00:34:35,236 Speaker 1: I hope you've enjoyed today's conversation. I'd love to keep 598 00:34:35,236 --> 00:34:38,916 Speaker 1: in touch beyond this podcast. Click subscribe in the show 599 00:34:38,956 --> 00:34:41,516 Speaker 1: notes and I will give you my latest email to 600 00:34:41,596 --> 00:34:44,876 Speaker 1: keep up on what's happening with technology and kids. 601 00:34:45,356 --> 00:34:48,236 Speaker 4: And maybe you like reading or listening to books. I 602 00:34:48,276 --> 00:34:49,676 Speaker 4: have a lot of books. 603 00:34:49,396 --> 00:34:52,956 Speaker 1: You could start with The Big Three, Making Marriage Easier, 604 00:34:53,516 --> 00:34:57,316 Speaker 1: Parents Rising, or Screen Kids. A big thank you to 605 00:34:57,396 --> 00:34:59,876 Speaker 1: the team at life Audio for their partnership with the 606 00:34:59,916 --> 00:35:03,876 Speaker 1: Happy Home podcast. Check out lifeaudio dot com for dozens 607 00:35:03,876 --> 00:35:06,916 Speaker 1: of other faith related podcasts about prayer. 608 00:35:06,876 --> 00:35:08,156 Speaker 4: Bible study, and more. 609 00:35:08,796 --> 00:35:11,836 Speaker 1: Remember you don't have to come from a happy. 610 00:35:11,476 --> 00:35:15,156 Speaker 4: Home to create one. You too, can have a happy home.