1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,360 Speaker 2: Welcome to I Wish you could hear this, where we 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,240 Speaker 2: explore great stories and simple, proven steps to help you 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 2: thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,920 Speaker 3: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 3: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:25,079 Speaker 3: biblical truth. 8 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 4: And now you can hear them too. 9 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,400 Speaker 1: I'm Shanti Felton. 10 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 4: And I'm Jeff Felton. 11 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,280 Speaker 2: If you are a single person under thirty five, or 12 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 2: you love someone who is, you're not imagining it. A 13 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 2: major news study shows it really has gotten harder to 14 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 2: build a good dating relationship today. Researchers are calling it 15 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,560 Speaker 2: a dating recession. But here's the surprising part. The reasons 16 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 2: behind this actually point to what can work and create 17 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 2: solutions for any single adult who is interested. We're unpacking 18 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 2: all of that in this two parts conversation. 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,080 Speaker 5: So this is such a crucial topic. 20 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,200 Speaker 3: We know tons of young people who are single and 21 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,560 Speaker 3: would love to be in a relationship, but they often 22 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 3: just feel helpless in how to make that happen. 23 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 2: Yeah, So the reason we're doing this is that this 24 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 2: major research report came out from the Institute of Family Studies, ifs. 25 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,279 Speaker 2: We're going to link to this in the show notes. 26 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,119 Speaker 2: And the researchers did this deep dive into a very 27 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 2: big and fairly impressive survey. 28 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,440 Speaker 4: And you know these research I. 29 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 1: Do, they're very good. 30 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:44,039 Speaker 2: They're they are and women women, And this is Brad 31 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 2: Willcox's others who have been around for a long time, 32 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 2: and they did a really really helpful study of single 33 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 2: young adults and they narrowed down the analysis that we're 34 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,279 Speaker 2: going to be talking about today of about four thy 35 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 2: five hundred of these single adults who have never before 36 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 2: been married and who expect to marry and want to 37 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:13,760 Speaker 2: marry at some point. 38 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,720 Speaker 1: And they asked all these singles about what. 39 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,600 Speaker 2: Their lives were like, like are they dating, what their 40 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:23,040 Speaker 2: perceptions are of dating, how often they're going out, how 41 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 2: satisfied they are, and the conclusion of this all this research, 42 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:32,840 Speaker 2: the first sentence of the report actually has the conclusion, 43 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,640 Speaker 2: which is that young adults today are living in a 44 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 2: depressed dating economy. 45 00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:46,720 Speaker 3: So depressed dating economy not a depressing. 46 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 2: R Oh, it might be depressing as well for them 47 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 2: as well. 48 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: So think of it like a recession. 49 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 2: This is they call it the dating recession, just like 50 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,800 Speaker 2: a recession in the economy slows down the economy activity. 51 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:02,520 Speaker 1: It makes it harder to find a good job. 52 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 2: Right, there's a lot of young people today who say 53 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,960 Speaker 2: it's very hard to find a good job because there 54 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 2: just aren't a lot of good jobs out there. Well, 55 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:13,680 Speaker 2: a recession in the dating market slows down dating activity 56 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 2: and makes it harder to find a good significant other. 57 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 1: It's very similar. 58 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 2: But the reasons that these researchers found for the dating 59 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 2: recession also provide a lot of hope because there are 60 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 2: things they found that these single young adults can do 61 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,600 Speaker 2: that will make a difference. 62 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,320 Speaker 3: So it make a difference by like improving their. 63 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: Improving their odds, improving their ability to find that person 64 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 2: that they're looking for, or just in general be out 65 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,320 Speaker 2: there dating. 66 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 3: Okay, so there's a gap right now between desire and 67 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 3: actual dating activity. Can you give us some numbers on this. 68 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, So the most important one, and then we're going 69 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 2: to get into the solutions and everything in a minute, 70 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 2: the reasons and the solutions. 71 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: But here's the setting the stage. 72 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 2: The most important data point for me that I saw 73 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 2: is that only about thirty percent of singles who are 74 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 2: in this key bracket of age twenty two to thirty five. 75 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,560 Speaker 2: These are singles who want say they want to be 76 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:24,720 Speaker 2: married at some point. They're not already in a committed relationship. 77 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:30,000 Speaker 2: Only thirty percent of those singles are actually dating, So 78 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 2: seventy percent are not dating. 79 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:33,880 Speaker 4: They're on the sidelines. 80 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 6: They're on the sidelines, to be correct. 81 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 4: They're not on the field. 82 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: So they're mostly not on the field. 83 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,120 Speaker 2: Now, this doesn't just mean, by the way, that they 84 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 2: don't have a significant other, like that they don't have 85 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,600 Speaker 2: a boyfriend or girlfriend. Okay, this is much more fundamental 86 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,360 Speaker 2: than that. About three quarters of women and two thirds 87 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,280 Speaker 2: of men said they had not dated at all or 88 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 2: had only dated a few times in the last year. 89 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 2: Basically the most single young adults in that age bracket 90 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 2: twenty two to thirty five who want to be dating 91 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,159 Speaker 2: just aren't. 92 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 3: You know. This is really I love the numbers hearing 93 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:15,360 Speaker 3: the numbers on this because anecdotally, I bet you a 94 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,000 Speaker 3: lot of our listeners out there go, yeah, that seems 95 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 3: to be what we're seeing. It's certainly what we're seeing 96 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,239 Speaker 3: in our kidsplody in our circle. 97 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 2: It totally is what we're saying we're we have Just 98 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,920 Speaker 2: as an example, just so everybody knows get on the 99 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:33,760 Speaker 2: same page. We have both sides of the equation in 100 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 2: our own little family unit. We have a twenty twenty five, 101 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:42,039 Speaker 2: almost twenty six year old daughter who just got married 102 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,960 Speaker 2: and who was dating for the young man for five years. 103 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:46,800 Speaker 6: Great guy. 104 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,880 Speaker 2: We're so excited for them. That was just a few 105 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:53,280 Speaker 2: weeks back. And we have a son who is twenty three. 106 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,919 Speaker 4: And who is a great guy. 107 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 2: Also a great guy, a senior in college. We might 108 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 2: be slightly biased, but we think he's a great guy 109 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 2: who has dated, has had a girlfriend before. You know, 110 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 2: this is something he'd love to be stepping into. But 111 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 2: it finds it challenging that he's he is definitely in 112 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 2: his life and the life of his friends. 113 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:19,240 Speaker 1: This is not just him. 114 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,720 Speaker 2: This is a bunch of these young men who are 115 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 2: all young Christian men where they see that dating recession 116 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,560 Speaker 2: very personally. 117 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,359 Speaker 3: So they would fit into that two thirds, that sixty 118 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:36,279 Speaker 3: four percent of men who had not dated or dated 119 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,320 Speaker 3: only a few times correct last year correct. 120 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: Most of his friends now, a few of them he. 121 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,120 Speaker 2: Talks about, like, you know, somebody at his school who's 122 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,600 Speaker 2: a good friend of his, you know, did go out 123 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,840 Speaker 2: on date with this young woman really liked her and 124 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,920 Speaker 2: now their boyfriend and girlfriend, and they had been dating 125 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 2: more than a year. But that is in his view 126 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 2: and the view of his friends, the exception rather than 127 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,040 Speaker 2: a rule. And we've so we before we did this podcast, 128 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 2: we reached out not just to him, but to a 129 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 2: few other people just to get their perceptions, and they 130 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 2: tend to do. 131 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:11,400 Speaker 3: This was not necessarily a scientific. 132 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 2: This was not a scientific poll, but we wanted to 133 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,640 Speaker 2: see anecdotally. 134 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: What people were saying and whether it. 135 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 2: Matched what the IFS report found on the dating recession, 136 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:23,280 Speaker 2: which it did. 137 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 4: So can I. 138 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 3: Talk maybe just just a moment to the actual address 139 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:33,440 Speaker 3: our listeners at you know, just personally, so you know, 140 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,480 Speaker 3: if you or you have a loved one who's single 141 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 3: or dissatisfied with the dating market, just recognize it isn't 142 00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:46,320 Speaker 3: just you. Yeah, it really is an issue all across 143 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:50,120 Speaker 3: our culture today. So let me say something to the parents. 144 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 3: So this is why your son and daughter isn't just 145 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 3: not trying. It might be easy to say to them, look, 146 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 3: you just have to put yourself out there. You just 147 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 3: have to do this. 148 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaker 6: I think we might have said that a couple of 149 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 6: we might have. 150 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 3: So this hopefully will this this episode will give you 151 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 3: a little bit more empathy in what is going on 152 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 3: out there, but also to maybe encourage your kids that 153 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 3: there are some things that they can that they can 154 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 3: do proactively. 155 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, and if you are in that dating market or 156 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,040 Speaker 2: want to be, if you're single, just know that even 157 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 2: though this feels hard, you're really not alone. It's not 158 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,480 Speaker 2: something that's wrong with you. 159 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:37,559 Speaker 5: You really are. 160 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:42,200 Speaker 2: Seeing out there this recession in the dating market, and 161 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 2: there are things that you can do. 162 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,120 Speaker 3: Yeah. Now, now I will before we get into more 163 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 3: of the information, I will just say on behalf of 164 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 3: all of the folks out there who are insecure about this. 165 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 3: I mean sure, Look, Shaunty and I have been talking 166 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:03,040 Speaker 3: about relations and chips for decades now and doing research 167 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 3: on this. This for those of you who are watching, 168 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,360 Speaker 3: you're looking at perhaps the guy who was most scared 169 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:14,320 Speaker 3: of girls all throughout my teenage years and my twenties 170 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 3: pretty much. 171 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 4: Now. 172 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:19,520 Speaker 3: I tried to overcome it, but there was a deep 173 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,480 Speaker 3: insecurity in that part of my life. So just so 174 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 3: you know, you're not alone in that. Now let's get 175 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:31,000 Speaker 3: back to the regular programming. So if people want relationships, 176 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:32,560 Speaker 3: why aren't they dating? 177 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,600 Speaker 1: So we're going to cover in this podcast. 178 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,720 Speaker 2: We have a part one and a part two because 179 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:41,920 Speaker 2: there's just too much for just one. There were five 180 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,320 Speaker 2: reasons that really stood out to me. We could have 181 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,280 Speaker 2: made this a five part podcast, to be honest, there's 182 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 2: so much there. 183 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:50,439 Speaker 1: But for the sake of time. 184 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 2: We're going to cover just five of the key reasons 185 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:58,040 Speaker 2: why people don't seem to be dating that Now, these 186 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 2: reasons come directly from this massive study of forty five 187 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 2: hundred singles in this who want to be you know, 188 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 2: who want to be dating, but largely aren't. This this 189 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 2: large group of people age twenty two to thirty five. 190 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 2: For the sake of simplicity, we're just going to call 191 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 2: them young adults because it's gen z and or you know, 192 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,439 Speaker 2: late millennials. But we're just gonna call them young adults. 193 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,360 Speaker 2: So we're going to cover five reasons why from the 194 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 2: report and from our own research. We're going to cover 195 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 2: just two in this part one, and then three more 196 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:39,320 Speaker 2: in part two, and I will say each of them 197 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,560 Speaker 2: comes with yeah, these are the reasons why these are 198 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 2: some of the problems, but they also come with quite 199 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 2: a bit of hope, because once you identify the reasons, 200 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:51,080 Speaker 2: then you can figure out the action steps to take. 201 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:55,439 Speaker 2: And I think that there are some pretty clear action steps. 202 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 3: Okay, So reason one a lack of satisfaction with dating options. 203 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, unpack that. 204 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 2: So this is the dating recession at work, just like 205 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 2: we said, just like an economic recession. So think what 206 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,880 Speaker 2: happens when you are out there looking for a job 207 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 2: or you're out there looking for a date. If you 208 00:11:20,679 --> 00:11:25,240 Speaker 2: don't see options coming, if you try, like in a 209 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 2: dating world, if you put yourself out there on dating 210 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 2: apps and you don't get any matches at all, you basically. 211 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,160 Speaker 1: Go why bother? Like why am I doing this? 212 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:40,280 Speaker 2: And it starts to feel so performative. It's like putting 213 00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 2: in your resume for two hundred jobs and knowing that 214 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 2: AI is screening you out. 215 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:50,640 Speaker 3: So when I was in high school, when I was 216 00:11:50,679 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 3: a teen, when I was in my early twenties, and 217 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,760 Speaker 3: I would ask a girl out and I got the no, 218 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:04,080 Speaker 3: I don't think so that rejection felt really intense, but 219 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 3: it was, you know, that was one time in. 220 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:10,120 Speaker 5: That particular week. 221 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:16,560 Speaker 3: Whereas in these dating apps, I'm sure you can feel rejection. 222 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,119 Speaker 1: Every kind constantly. 223 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 3: There's a constant why aren't Why isn't I know that 224 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 3: nobody's match. I know that people saw my profile, saw 225 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 3: my picture, but they're not liking me or whatever they 226 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 3: do in. 227 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:29,600 Speaker 4: Those dating apps. 228 00:12:29,679 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 6: Yeah, exactly, and. 229 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,000 Speaker 5: That's got to be really demotivating. 230 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:39,079 Speaker 2: Well, the numbers actually show it is demotivating. And this 231 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:44,199 Speaker 2: is that lack of satisfaction with the options is essentially 232 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 2: creating this vicious cycle because if you think why bother 233 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 2: and then you don't there are, then you don't put 234 00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:54,640 Speaker 2: yourself out there, so that means there's one less person 235 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,960 Speaker 2: out there, and then that happens times, you know, hundreds 236 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 2: of thousands of people, and that reinforces the idea that 237 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,840 Speaker 2: there are no options because everybody's holding themselves back, and 238 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,720 Speaker 2: so it creates this really really vicious cycle and this. 239 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 1: Lack of satisfaction. 240 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,240 Speaker 2: There just aren't I just don't see people wanting to 241 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 2: match with me. I don't see people even in person, 242 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 2: who want to connect. You start to think, you know what, 243 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 2: it's just there's just there's just nobody out. 244 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,640 Speaker 3: There, and so I'm just going to share it. I mean, 245 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,280 Speaker 3: our kids, you know, have talked about and use those 246 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 3: dating apps at times. 247 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 2: And we should say that our daughter who just got married, 248 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 2: they matched on Hinge right right, So it worked in 249 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:41,600 Speaker 2: their case. 250 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:46,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, and neither of them actually went on another date 251 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,199 Speaker 3: with anyone else in they were both new on. 252 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,960 Speaker 2: And just and they both connected and it just happened 253 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,200 Speaker 2: to work. And we hear from so many young people today. Yeah, 254 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 2: they're the exception right now. 255 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 3: One of the other things is that you you see 256 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:04,320 Speaker 3: on these apps is the you know, the the profile, 257 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 3: the image of the person who's they look perfect. And 258 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 3: I remember something that because of the way social media 259 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 3: was ordered and these platforms, I remember something that our pastor. 260 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 4: When we were living in New York, Tim. 261 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 3: Keller said, and he said something to the effect of, look, 262 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 3: I know you all out there and when you're trying 263 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:33,080 Speaker 3: to meet other people and everything, and quite frank you 264 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,600 Speaker 3: put your best foot forward. I know that some of 265 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,080 Speaker 3: you have been on covers of magazines. 266 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 1: Yeah this is New York, this was New York. 267 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 3: I know that some of you are on these covers 268 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:48,760 Speaker 3: of magazines. And let me just say, I know you. 269 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,080 Speaker 3: You don't look like the person on the cover of 270 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 3: that magazine. And it creates this artificial image that really 271 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,960 Speaker 3: isn't reality, but it could lead to a dissatisfaction with. 272 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 2: The option exactly with the real options. It used to 273 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 2: be when Tim Keller was talking about it, the only 274 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 2: issue was photoshop, right, Like you could photoshop the pictures. Well, 275 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 2: now you can create a whole new person with AI, 276 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 2: and you can certainly perform, and the problem is everybody's 277 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 2: gotten burnt by the performance and feeling like I have 278 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 2: to perform and it's not real and I'm not matching 279 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,360 Speaker 2: with anyone anyway, which just leads to this pulling back 280 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:40,200 Speaker 2: and the dating recession and the lack of satisfaction with 281 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,800 Speaker 2: the dating options. Now, one of the things that was 282 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:48,400 Speaker 2: actually really interesting in this in this study that I 283 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:54,160 Speaker 2: actually found encouraging, Okay, because we need to also move 284 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,680 Speaker 2: to what do you do about it? 285 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,000 Speaker 1: What's the hope here. 286 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 2: Is to recognize is that if you will continue to 287 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 2: try to put yourself out there, even if you don't 288 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 2: feel like it, you know, and we're going to talk 289 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 2: about more how do you do that in a minute, 290 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 2: But if people will continue to put themselves out there, 291 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:21,120 Speaker 2: be aware that unlike the myth that most people are 292 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 2: just looking for hookups anyway, So again, why bother? The 293 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,960 Speaker 2: data actually found something very different in these young adults 294 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 2: in this twenty two to thirty five year old Cohort. 295 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:35,120 Speaker 2: These individuals that they were polling, they found that they 296 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:42,520 Speaker 2: significantly were interested in significant relationships and real emotional connection. 297 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,000 Speaker 2: So just a couple of numbers just to help you 298 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,440 Speaker 2: kind of debunk in your mind when you're thinking of 299 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,880 Speaker 2: putting yourself out there that you know it's not going 300 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,120 Speaker 2: to matter anyway because everybody just wants a hookup and 301 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:54,960 Speaker 2: it's not true. 302 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 1: So here's some real numbers. 303 00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,520 Speaker 2: Eighty three percent of women and seventy four percent of 304 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,639 Speaker 2: men actively wanted the point of dating to be focused 305 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:10,520 Speaker 2: on creating the serious relationships. Like the culture of dating 306 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,640 Speaker 2: that they were looking for was not just dating to date. 307 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,920 Speaker 2: Eighty three percent of women seventy four percent of men, 308 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:21,760 Speaker 2: so basically, you know, high seventies, like roughly eighty percent 309 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 2: on average, really really wanted not to just date to date. 310 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 2: They wanted the point of dating to be focused on 311 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:34,440 Speaker 2: eventually moving towards marriage. Now, maybe not in you know, 312 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,639 Speaker 2: any one individual relationship, because you got to start somewhere 313 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,639 Speaker 2: and it's casual and all of that, but that's what 314 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:44,280 Speaker 2: they were actively looking for in a dating culture. And 315 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,560 Speaker 2: the other thing that I thought was really encouraging is 316 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:51,560 Speaker 2: also about eighty percent of both women and men were 317 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 2: really looking to create true, like emotional deep connection ultimately 318 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,119 Speaker 2: again not just casual hookups. 319 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's that. That is encouraging. 320 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: I hope that helps people get out there. 321 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:07,840 Speaker 4: It's true. 322 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:13,680 Speaker 3: So so although this cohort the singles aren't dating much 323 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:18,320 Speaker 3: and they wish they were, they're they're they're wanting real 324 00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:20,919 Speaker 3: connection and real commitments. 325 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:24,639 Speaker 4: So I agree that's that that is encouraging. 326 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:28,080 Speaker 5: So let's let's bump to reason number two. 327 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,360 Speaker 2: Can you absolutely because this is going to take sort 328 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 2: of the book of our time? Reason reason number two 329 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,280 Speaker 2: That was to me, one of the most important findings 330 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 2: of this entire study is that people just lack some 331 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:47,520 Speaker 2: important dating skills. 332 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,480 Speaker 3: And that that shouldn't be surprising to any of us 333 00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 3: because I honestly don't ever remember anyone ever coaching me. 334 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:02,919 Speaker 3: And that's how to days on, you know, how to 335 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,600 Speaker 3: win friends and influence people, so to speak, So how 336 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 3: to go about that? And I think I just I 337 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,520 Speaker 3: learned it, or I fumbled into it, or I got lucky. 338 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,919 Speaker 2: Well, and we had the advantage of fumbling into it 339 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 2: in an era where the only option for practicing was 340 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:23,800 Speaker 2: in person, where you learn those skills better. Today, a 341 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 2: lot of people are trying to learn that skills in 342 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,280 Speaker 2: what is primarily a social media market where you're not 343 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 2: necessarily real. And so what the researchers at the in 344 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:38,800 Speaker 2: the IFS report found is that there's some pretty foundational 345 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,919 Speaker 2: skills that you actually need when you're in the dating market, 346 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:49,640 Speaker 2: interpersonal skills. Both that IFS report and our own research, 347 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 2: I think our own conversations over many years with young 348 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 2: adults has identified that a lot of these young adults 349 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,639 Speaker 2: just don't feel confident in those skills. They don't have 350 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: them and or they don't feel confident in them at 351 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,360 Speaker 2: the level that they want. So that's another reason they 352 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,520 Speaker 2: hold back, or just practically, it's another reason they just 353 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 2: aren't successful. And so that was about only one third 354 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 2: of the survey takers felt pretty confident in those skills. 355 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: Two thirds did not. 356 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:26,080 Speaker 2: So here's a couple of numbers with a few specific skills, 357 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,840 Speaker 2: just because I'm a data nerd and I just want 358 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 2: to share this because I thought it was interesting. So 359 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:34,840 Speaker 2: almost seventy percent of young adult men and almost eighty 360 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,959 Speaker 2: percent of the women said they didn't have confidence in 361 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,680 Speaker 2: that pretty basic skill of being able to approach somebody 362 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,000 Speaker 2: they were interested in. 363 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,240 Speaker 4: I'm sorry I got to jump in. 364 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, this would have been you right back. 365 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 2: In the day. 366 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:50,080 Speaker 4: Stuff. 367 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,800 Speaker 3: And now I'm going to talk to if I can 368 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 3: to the older guys out there or the older women 369 00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 3: out there. Percent of young men, eighty percent of young 370 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,919 Speaker 3: women said they didn't have confidence in those skills. Where 371 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 3: could they get that confidence and perhaps those skills? I mean, 372 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,360 Speaker 3: it's the generation that went ahead of them. We are 373 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,360 Speaker 3: always thinking, how can we reach the next generation? Well, 374 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 3: have something clearly, the gospel is what we ultimately want 375 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 3: to reach them with. But if you will take your 376 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:30,280 Speaker 3: time and gather a group of young men and young 377 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:34,000 Speaker 3: women with all you have to do is say this 378 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 3: is what we want to do, what we want to accomplish. 379 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,560 Speaker 3: Would this meet a felt need for you. I've got 380 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:43,000 Speaker 3: a buddy who once a week he has a fire 381 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 3: pit at his house and he invites young men to 382 00:21:47,119 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 3: come over, sit around the fire pit. They drink a beer, 383 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 3: they maybe cook. 384 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,119 Speaker 6: A sticky lost people, maybe lost a few people. 385 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,640 Speaker 3: But it is what he does and it makes these 386 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,200 Speaker 3: young men. They love this guy. 387 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 6: And he's learning and mentored. 388 00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:09,639 Speaker 3: Exactly, and they're in all stages of some have faith, 389 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 3: some don't. But he's just pouring into them skills for life. 390 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,280 Speaker 3: And we can do that. And you want to draw 391 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:24,240 Speaker 3: people to have a relationship with you offer these skills well. 392 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:28,960 Speaker 2: And it also strikes me that offer to bring together 393 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:35,480 Speaker 2: young people, men and women together, like how many churches 394 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,120 Speaker 2: today have a young. 395 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,359 Speaker 1: Adults singles group? 396 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 2: Probably not as many as back when we were right 397 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:50,680 Speaker 2: single And okay, maybe there's a couple that feels led 398 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 2: to help start something like that and be kind of 399 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:57,199 Speaker 2: the adults in the room, so I speak, and I 400 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,040 Speaker 2: don't mean to be offensive to those of you who 401 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,719 Speaker 2: are in you're probably thirties, are like, I'm the adult 402 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 2: in the room, but for the sake of mentoring the 403 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,920 Speaker 2: singles to pull together those opportunities. There's so many different 404 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,840 Speaker 2: ways of doing that that we don't have time to 405 00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,920 Speaker 2: get into. But this is something that you and I 406 00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,719 Speaker 2: have been thinking about how do we help people? And 407 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 2: we'll get into that in a second. Let me, Can 408 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,320 Speaker 2: I go back to the data in or numbers? No, No, 409 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 2: it's fine. So what we were just talking about was that, 410 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 2: on average, about seventy five percent said that they didn't 411 00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 2: have confidence in approaching someone they were romantically interested in, 412 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,199 Speaker 2: so most men, most women sixty three percent said they 413 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 2: didn't really trust their judgment when it came to choosing 414 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,879 Speaker 2: a dating partner, like I just don't know that I 415 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,840 Speaker 2: know who you are and I don't know how to 416 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,639 Speaker 2: how to know kind of thing. Now sixty six percent, 417 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,479 Speaker 2: so exactly two thirds said they also didn't really have 418 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:58,400 Speaker 2: the confidence in their abilities to kind of discuss their 419 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 2: feelings with a date partner, which is obviously a huge 420 00:24:02,119 --> 00:24:03,040 Speaker 2: part of opening up. 421 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:07,639 Speaker 3: It is, and I gotta just tell you it comes 422 00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:11,600 Speaker 3: from experience, It kind of comes from practice. Yeah, none 423 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,040 Speaker 3: of us know these things. Well, I don't want to 424 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 3: say none, but very few know these things innately. Yeah, 425 00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:22,920 Speaker 3: you just learn to practice practice you fail, and yeah 426 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:23,600 Speaker 3: you move. 427 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,040 Speaker 2: And in part two, we're going to talk about the 428 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,720 Speaker 2: fact that people are holding back also because we're I'm 429 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:29,720 Speaker 2: worries about failure. 430 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,920 Speaker 1: Now, this one was interesting. 431 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:37,800 Speaker 2: Sixty four percent of the respondents said they worried about 432 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 2: their ability to. 433 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,640 Speaker 1: Pick up on social it's interesting on. 434 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:47,160 Speaker 2: Dates, like literally, again, so much has been filtered through 435 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 2: a screen that when you're sitting down in person, you 436 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,240 Speaker 2: just a lot of people just haven't had as much practice. 437 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 3: You know, it's interesting. I was listening to a podcast 438 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,760 Speaker 3: just yesterday with Arthur Brooks. 439 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,200 Speaker 4: Arthur Brooks, who's you know, he's kind of the happiness guy. 440 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,440 Speaker 3: You know, he used to be the head of the 441 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:08,760 Speaker 3: American Enterprise Institute. Now he's a professor at Harvard And 442 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:11,280 Speaker 3: Arthur Brooks was talking about a new book. 443 00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:13,000 Speaker 4: That he has coming out called The Meaning. I think 444 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,679 Speaker 4: it's the Meaning of Life. 445 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:18,320 Speaker 3: But anyways, in that he talked about something and he said, 446 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,639 Speaker 3: you know, for because of our social media platforms, because 447 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 3: of our screens, we many young people find themselves in 448 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:34,760 Speaker 3: a place of receiving information, of it coming to them, 449 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 3: coming to you, and not necessarily interacting with that that 450 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,640 Speaker 3: information like you do in what you have to do 451 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:49,600 Speaker 3: in an in person setting. Yes you're receiving things, but 452 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 3: you're also then responding to it in a way getting more. 453 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:59,199 Speaker 3: So that's where they don't you just that you're not 454 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:02,360 Speaker 3: practiced in seeing those cues. 455 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,360 Speaker 2: It's interesting talking about you know what we do about this. 456 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:10,359 Speaker 2: One of the things that this brings up in my 457 00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:15,600 Speaker 2: mind is that last weekend, not at the moment we're recording. 458 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,320 Speaker 1: This, at the very very beginning of April. 459 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,639 Speaker 2: I don't know when this is gonna actually drop, but 460 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,680 Speaker 2: last weekend, just a few days ago, you and I 461 00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,080 Speaker 2: were up at Harvard, back up at Harvard the old 462 00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 2: stomping grounds for a conference for Christian alumni of Harvard 463 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 2: called Faith and Veritime. 464 00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:36,960 Speaker 6: Which you spoke at, which which I spoke at. 465 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 2: You're on the board of this this group, and one 466 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 2: of the other speakers on the one of the very 467 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:49,520 Speaker 2: first sessions, he made such an interesting point about the 468 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:53,520 Speaker 2: fact that you know, back in the day, the thing 469 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,639 Speaker 2: that brought everybody together, you know, if you think of 470 00:26:56,760 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 2: like the Industrial Revolution, you know, it was techniclogy was 471 00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:04,399 Speaker 2: like the key thing was like pulling everybody together. And 472 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,159 Speaker 2: then technology kind of you know, you built all the 473 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,919 Speaker 2: as many factories as you were going to build build, 474 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,720 Speaker 2: and then suddenly, oh, it's the service economy, and now 475 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:18,080 Speaker 2: it's customer service and uh, and then it became experiences, 476 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 2: you know, that pull people together. And he basically is 477 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,960 Speaker 2: making the point that in today's age, especially as we 478 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:30,120 Speaker 2: have moved through social media and now into the age 479 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,240 Speaker 2: of AI, he said, the thing that's gonna be crucial 480 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 2: is presence. That's what people are longing for not just 481 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:43,520 Speaker 2: customer service, not just experiences, not just you know, good technology, 482 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:48,879 Speaker 2: but the power of in person presence. And I think 483 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:53,360 Speaker 2: that activates again back to what we were saying, is 484 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 2: for us to look for opportunities to have actual presence 485 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:04,199 Speaker 2: rather than relying on the quick fix, which isn't actually 486 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,520 Speaker 2: a fix of social media and dating apps. 487 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:06,800 Speaker 4: Yeah. 488 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,080 Speaker 3: Can I talk just a little bit about the skills 489 00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:11,200 Speaker 3: building stuff. 490 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:12,200 Speaker 1: Well, yeah, it's all related. 491 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,159 Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'm just going to talk from the young 492 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,320 Speaker 3: guys perspective because that's kind of where my heart is 493 00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 3: and that's what I see. 494 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,960 Speaker 4: For sure, I'm exposed to. 495 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:26,840 Speaker 3: So oftentimes there are folks out there who are on 496 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:32,880 Speaker 3: the social on the Internet who are trying to influence young. 497 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 6: Men, who are trying to help them how to navigate, how. 498 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,719 Speaker 2: To navigate the dating world and whatsould look like. 499 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:42,480 Speaker 3: And there's lots of lots of folks who are trying 500 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,520 Speaker 3: to do that, and they've kind of all been glump 501 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:51,120 Speaker 3: clumped into the manosphere or whatever, and you know, and 502 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:57,120 Speaker 3: there are a lot of things with that group that 503 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:03,320 Speaker 3: I find really objectionable with some of the influences. 504 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:03,680 Speaker 4: Influencers in that group. 505 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,800 Speaker 3: But some of the things, even the ones who I 506 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:14,160 Speaker 3: think are totally objectionable, some of the nuggets core truths. Now, 507 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,120 Speaker 3: I'm not going to tell someone to listen to these 508 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,520 Speaker 3: influencers because I think there's enough bad that can that 509 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 3: can lead them into wrong decisions and wrong understandings of 510 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,880 Speaker 3: women or of themselves that it's it's not worth the game. 511 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,640 Speaker 3: But there are some things that I think are true 512 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:38,400 Speaker 3: interesting of some of the skills that they have that 513 00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,280 Speaker 3: they're trying to build it and I'm just gonna paint 514 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 3: in really broad pictures. They're oftentimes telling young men that 515 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:49,200 Speaker 3: you need to be working on yourself, okay, which is 516 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,400 Speaker 3: pretty good. You need to build you know, your physical, 517 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 3: your financial, your your well being in all of these 518 00:29:56,960 --> 00:30:00,040 Speaker 3: different things, okay, so that you are more. 519 00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 4: Attractive to a woman. 520 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 3: It feels somewhat transactional. 521 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 2: Which is, you know, okay, if they're getting a growth 522 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 2: mindset exactly. 523 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,880 Speaker 1: But it depends on what they're learning as part of 524 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:13,719 Speaker 1: the worth right. 525 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 3: But oftentimes these kind of influencer groups tend to have 526 00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:24,920 Speaker 3: a pretty low opinion of women. Really, Yeah, they tend 527 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:30,280 Speaker 3: to think of I don't either, but I've read enough 528 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 3: articles on it to kind of have an understanding, at 529 00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:37,840 Speaker 3: least in broad strokes. But the other things that that 530 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:42,720 Speaker 3: we're probably talking about is that they say that, you know, 531 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,080 Speaker 3: what the women really want is the alpha male, the 532 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:50,400 Speaker 3: guy who's dominant, the guy who knows what he wants 533 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:54,960 Speaker 3: and takes it. And now, while I disagree with that 534 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,560 Speaker 3: broad stroke, there is something that we found when we 535 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 3: did our research on the book for young men only, 536 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 3: was that an appealing quality that women said actually wanted 537 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,680 Speaker 3: was self confidence, but without being cognit. 538 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 4: Without being cogny. 539 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,480 Speaker 3: It was that self confidence that I kind of know 540 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 3: who I am, I know where I'm going, and I'm 541 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:24,600 Speaker 3: working toward that. That is appealing, but it can easily 542 00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:25,880 Speaker 3: be twisted. 543 00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 5: Yeah. 544 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,320 Speaker 3: And and one other skill that you know, I don't 545 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:32,880 Speaker 3: hear the influencers talking about, but we found in that 546 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 3: research was that women, young women loved the guy. 547 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 4: Who was funny. 548 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,280 Speaker 2: Yeah, sense of humor. That was of humor that ended 549 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,000 Speaker 2: up being I think the top one. I think it 550 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:50,880 Speaker 2: was sense of confidence and sense of humor and thoughtfulness. 551 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:54,640 Speaker 3: Now here's the thing that was shocking me in that research, 552 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,320 Speaker 3: and I'll just do a quick segue into it, was 553 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:00,800 Speaker 3: that I had taken the opinion I had thought that 554 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 3: they would have chosen the young women on the survey 555 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:09,320 Speaker 3: would have chosen a buff body, handsome face, and rich. 556 00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:11,440 Speaker 6: Yes, we gave them a bunch of different. 557 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:15,200 Speaker 3: We gave them and those were near the bottom of 558 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 3: the list. The ones that were at the top were 559 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:24,000 Speaker 3: ones that someone wasn't necessarily born with. They were skills 560 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,520 Speaker 3: that could be developed. And so that's I guess my 561 00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:32,120 Speaker 3: word to the young guys out there these your future 562 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,280 Speaker 3: isn't set because of what family you were born in 563 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 3: or you know, your genetic makeup. None of that is 564 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 3: settled on whether or not you are going to find 565 00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:45,920 Speaker 3: a mate for life. There are skills that you can 566 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:46,680 Speaker 3: develop here. 567 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 2: And you know what, These things go together because if 568 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:53,560 Speaker 2: the skills are built, guess what, you'll be more confident, right, 569 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:57,520 Speaker 2: And that is something that is really at the heart 570 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 2: I think of this dating recession is that with this 571 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 2: lack of confidence, it lends itself to people just kind 572 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:09,080 Speaker 2: of pulling back. We see this so much not just 573 00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:12,480 Speaker 2: in you know, the kids in our family over the years, 574 00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 2: but but also in their friends and in this younger 575 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:21,480 Speaker 2: generation in the numbers. And so that's the good news 576 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 2: here is that you can learn those skills. It reminds 577 00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 2: me of when our daughter was playing volleyball. 578 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:27,840 Speaker 6: You know. 579 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:28,840 Speaker 1: One of the. 580 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:34,320 Speaker 2: One of the statements that many coaches would make is 581 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:38,080 Speaker 2: like some girl would come in without any experience at all, 582 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 2: but she was six foot tall, right, And the coach 583 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,240 Speaker 2: is like, I can coach skill. You can't coach height, 584 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 2: but I can coach skill. And it's kind of that idea, 585 00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:53,520 Speaker 2: like you may come in feeling like you are who you. 586 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:55,840 Speaker 1: Are, I just don't know how to do this stuff. 587 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 2: Well, guess what you can learn that for example, And 588 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:04,400 Speaker 2: I'll just give a couple of examples. For example, one 589 00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 2: of the things that is a huge deal is learning 590 00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: how to listen, right, learning how to ask good questions 591 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:18,360 Speaker 2: of someone about them about their life, and then actively 592 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:20,960 Speaker 2: learning how to listen to them and absorb what they're 593 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:26,600 Speaker 2: saying and ask related questions back. That one skill, which 594 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:30,640 Speaker 2: is actually something that people almost naturally learned years ago, 595 00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:35,320 Speaker 2: isn't being naturally learned anymore on today's social media age. 596 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:40,440 Speaker 2: And honestly, it's also that skill has been degraded just 597 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:44,760 Speaker 2: because of texting, right, because you don't have to listen 598 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:48,759 Speaker 2: over text in the same way. So that's one set 599 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 2: of skills. Another set of skills is actually just knowledge based. Like, honestly, 600 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:55,240 Speaker 2: we had. 601 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:55,680 Speaker 1: So much fun. 602 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:59,440 Speaker 2: You mentioned the free young men Only study, So our 603 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:02,439 Speaker 2: studies fore young men only for young women only, of 604 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 2: young women and young men, and these were all these 605 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,960 Speaker 2: were ages fifteen to twenty one. We weren't dealing with 606 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,200 Speaker 2: the age that we're talking about here in this podcast, 607 00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:15,799 Speaker 2: so these were mostly high school in college age. But 608 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:21,400 Speaker 2: we did find that there were a lot of aha 609 00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:25,560 Speaker 2: moments and a lot of young men and young women going, 610 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 2: oh my gosh, I've been doing it all wrong, right, 611 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:32,840 Speaker 2: Like I didn't realize, for example, that when I was 612 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,600 Speaker 2: teasing a guy and kind of coming up with a 613 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:39,560 Speaker 2: little snarky remark and the witty comeback and whatever that 614 00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:44,040 Speaker 2: you just love doing on in person or on social media, 615 00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:47,360 Speaker 2: that you, as a young woman, you're sending a signal 616 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:49,360 Speaker 2: to a guy like he might think that's hilarious, he 617 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:51,239 Speaker 2: might think it's funny, but he's not going to trust you. 618 00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:54,600 Speaker 2: He's going to kind of pull put a little wall 619 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:55,120 Speaker 2: around his. 620 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:55,719 Speaker 3: Heart with you. 621 00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:59,480 Speaker 2: So stuff like that that you just didn't know, Like 622 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:03,279 Speaker 2: you didn't know that on the inside, guys had such 623 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:07,800 Speaker 2: a tender heart and so much insecurity and self doubt. 624 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:11,960 Speaker 2: And if you speak to that person rather than the 625 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,680 Speaker 2: confident looking person standing in front of you, well, guess what, 626 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:20,040 Speaker 2: you have a lot more opportunity to actually have a 627 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:23,520 Speaker 2: heart opened to you. I can still remember the reactions 628 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:25,480 Speaker 2: of a group of young women that I was talking to. 629 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,319 Speaker 2: They were all, you know, early twenties. And I had 630 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 2: just just a few minutes before done an interview with 631 00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,800 Speaker 2: a young guy who was also in his early twenties, 632 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,239 Speaker 2: and I asked him, what's the most attractive quality? That 633 00:36:39,800 --> 00:36:42,360 Speaker 2: the thing that you find by far the most attractive 634 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:45,279 Speaker 2: in a woman other than the way she looks. And 635 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 2: he didn't even hesitate. He said, it's whether I feel 636 00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:54,960 Speaker 2: like she admires me. That's incredibly attractive because it speaks 637 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:57,640 Speaker 2: to that inner question that a lot of women don't 638 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:01,040 Speaker 2: even know that he has, that men have. That's an example. 639 00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:05,040 Speaker 2: Now obviously that can go overboard. We're not talking about that, 640 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:09,840 Speaker 2: but we're talking about understanding and speaking to the inner heart, 641 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,800 Speaker 2: which is what we did with for the adult set 642 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:17,280 Speaker 2: for women only and for men only, and the research 643 00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:19,120 Speaker 2: projects on men and women. 644 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,000 Speaker 1: Which we'll put in the show notes. As well. 645 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:28,200 Speaker 2: So, Jeff, you and I as we kind of we 646 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:31,680 Speaker 2: have to wrap this up. We're you and I are 647 00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:39,440 Speaker 2: actively pondering what to do about this because this shows 648 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:45,200 Speaker 2: this huge need need out there and what can we 649 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:49,760 Speaker 2: do to help singles build these dating skills. 650 00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:51,600 Speaker 1: Yeah, so we're brainstorming. 651 00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:54,160 Speaker 3: We are brainstorming it and you know, would love. 652 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,520 Speaker 6: To We're open to ideas exactly. 653 00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:00,680 Speaker 3: You know, fortunately God has given us a plat form 654 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:06,719 Speaker 3: that we can speak into certain things to an audience. 655 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:10,560 Speaker 3: So and with some research, with some research, So for 656 00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,480 Speaker 3: anyone out there, any of our listeners you know in 657 00:38:13,520 --> 00:38:16,320 Speaker 3: the show notes will put email address. 658 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:18,160 Speaker 2: Well they can just I'll just say it right now, 659 00:38:18,920 --> 00:38:22,360 Speaker 2: web contact at Shaunty dot com. Yeah, that's that is 660 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,359 Speaker 2: the email that if you have ideas or if you'd 661 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,160 Speaker 2: be interested in hearing about what we eventually come up 662 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,480 Speaker 2: with and whatever we. 663 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,319 Speaker 6: Create reach out there, will put you on our. 664 00:38:34,239 --> 00:38:37,719 Speaker 2: List email web contact at Shaunty dot com will put 665 00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:40,719 Speaker 2: you on our list and you'll be notified once we 666 00:38:40,760 --> 00:38:46,560 Speaker 2: figure it out. Like live events, virtual events, cohorts. 667 00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:49,120 Speaker 5: Where people can please ideas, yes, give us. 668 00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:50,880 Speaker 1: Your ideas, yes, exactly. 669 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:57,120 Speaker 2: So this topic of a dating recession and what to 670 00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:59,520 Speaker 2: do about it is so important. We didn't want to 671 00:38:59,520 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 2: try to create this into one episode, So we're going 672 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,440 Speaker 2: to pause and we're going to come back next time 673 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:07,080 Speaker 2: to continue the conversation in part two. Please don't miss that, 674 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,360 Speaker 2: and we have three more reasons and things that you 675 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:13,760 Speaker 2: can do if you were yes, And. 676 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:16,040 Speaker 3: I think we'll be able to share some of the 677 00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:22,880 Speaker 3: feedback that we've gotten from people in their twenties or 678 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:27,360 Speaker 3: third correct who have already said here's what I'm experiencing. 679 00:39:26,719 --> 00:39:30,920 Speaker 2: Yes, exactly, So a little more of the on the 680 00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:35,200 Speaker 2: ground application for if it's you, if it's your adult kids. 681 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:38,040 Speaker 2: So don't miss that Part two. If you are not 682 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,640 Speaker 2: a subscriber to the podcast, please subscribe now so you're 683 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:45,080 Speaker 2: notified when part two drops. And if you know someone 684 00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:47,840 Speaker 2: who might be interested in this conversation, please share this 685 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:51,839 Speaker 2: episode and tag us on all your social media channels. 686 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,920 Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to I wish you could hear this. 687 00:39:56,360 --> 00:40:00,600 Speaker 2: Remember to subscribe to our podcast, and as always, today's 688 00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:03,840 Speaker 2: audio or video link to a friend, counselor, or pastor 689 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:09,719 Speaker 2: who would be encouraged. I just want to take a 690 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,600 Speaker 2: second to thank the team at Life Audio for their 691 00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:15,680 Speaker 2: partnership with us on the podcast. If you go to 692 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:19,200 Speaker 2: lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of other faith 693 00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:22,840 Speaker 2: centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, 694 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:25,399 Speaker 2: Bible study, parenting, and more.