1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:03,640 Speaker 1: Life Audio. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 2: Welcome to I Wish you could hear this, where we 3 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:13,239 Speaker 2: explore great stories and simple, proven steps to help you 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 2: thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 5 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,920 Speaker 1: In our research, we've heard hundreds of Hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 6 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: biblical truth. And now you can hear them too. 8 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,600 Speaker 2: I'm Shanti Feldheim. 9 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: And I'm Jeff Feldheim. 10 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 2: Most of us have heard of the Five Love Languages 11 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 2: by doctor Gary Chapman, but did you know that doctor 12 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:42,200 Speaker 2: Chapman also figured out the five languages of apology. Jeff 13 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 2: and I heard doctor Chapman share this at a recent event, 14 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,280 Speaker 2: and we knew we had to have him share it 15 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:51,880 Speaker 2: with our listeners. Every relationship is going to experience conflict 16 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 2: at times, whether it's a spouse, a friend, kids, a coworker. 17 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 2: If we don't deal with a conflict properly, it can 18 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:04,480 Speaker 2: parees maybe even destroy a relationship. But it turns out 19 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 2: what really matters in dealing with it well is how 20 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,440 Speaker 2: we apologize when we realize the conflict is our fault 21 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,479 Speaker 2: or at least some of it, And also, of course, 22 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 2: how the other person apologizes to us today on I 23 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,520 Speaker 2: wish you could hear this. We are going to hear 24 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 2: from doctor Chapman on how to give apologies in the 25 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 2: way the other person best receives them, not just the 26 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,760 Speaker 2: way we prefer or naturally give them. And we are 27 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 2: also going to get a sneak peek into an exciting 28 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 2: new sort of update to The Five Love Languages that 29 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,839 Speaker 2: is about to be released. 30 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:49,880 Speaker 1: Doctor carry Chapman, thank you so much for joining us, 31 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,200 Speaker 1: and I wish you could hear this. 32 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 3: Well, thank you. 33 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 4: I'm delighted to be with you all again. 34 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,680 Speaker 1: Well, an introduction is probably not necessary, but for those 35 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: who aren't as familiar, let me introduce to you and 36 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:08,480 Speaker 1: introduce you to our listeners. Doctor Chapman is an author, speaker, pastor, 37 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 1: and counselor. He has a passion for people and for 38 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: helping them form lasting relationships. His book, The Five Love 39 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: Languages has sold over twenty million copies and has been 40 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:24,399 Speaker 1: translated into fifty languages. Doctor Chapman also has a wonderful 41 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: nationally syndicated radio program, and even more important to us, 42 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 1: we are blessed to count doctor Chapman as a friend 43 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:36,520 Speaker 1: who has encouraged our ministry over many years. 44 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,920 Speaker 2: Like you've been so seriously encouraging. Okay, I just have 45 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:46,080 Speaker 2: to tell our listeners this story. So this podcast launched 46 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 2: in end of January. February twenty twenty five, and so 47 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 2: after the first podcast dropped, We're getting ready to go 48 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,280 Speaker 2: speak at a church somewhere and my phone rings. It's 49 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,000 Speaker 2: doctor Chapman and I'm like, you know, we're packing and 50 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,200 Speaker 2: you know whatever. But of course I like grabbed the 51 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:11,239 Speaker 2: call and you said, I just listened to your first podcast, 52 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,959 Speaker 2: which was our story kind of like how we got 53 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,400 Speaker 2: into all of the writing and the speaking, and You're like, girl, 54 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:22,120 Speaker 2: that was so good. I really enjoyed the podcast. And 55 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,640 Speaker 2: I'm like, he's And doctor Chapman said, I'm in a 56 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 2: hotel lobby in Florida waiting to get picked up for 57 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 2: an event, and I said, oh, really, what are you 58 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 2: what are you doing? He's like, oh, Moody, you know, 59 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:40,080 Speaker 2: which is your publisher. Moody arranged a seventeen city speaking 60 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 2: tour in February in Florida, and I'm like, I want 61 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 2: to be you when I grow up. Like the fact 62 00:03:52,320 --> 00:04:01,160 Speaker 2: they brought us seventeen cities tour in February fantastic, Wow, 63 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 2: thank you. 64 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 4: Thank you if you're going to do it too, or. 65 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 3: In Florida, do it in February. 66 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 2: Exactly, like, seriously, so thank you. You've been a great 67 00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:13,920 Speaker 2: encouragement to us. 68 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:17,120 Speaker 4: Well, that's wonderful. I appreciate what you guys have done 69 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:17,799 Speaker 4: and are doing. 70 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,160 Speaker 2: Thank you well, vice versus. So here's what we want 71 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 2: to cover on this podcast. There's two things for everybody 72 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,239 Speaker 2: to know that we want to cover. But big picture, 73 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 2: both of those two things are really about mining your 74 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 2: insights into how we can help the other person feel 75 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 2: cared for in the way that they need, not the 76 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,240 Speaker 2: way we might naturally kind of act or respond. And 77 00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:48,520 Speaker 2: that is the two things are both in showing love, 78 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,000 Speaker 2: which is like the Five Love Languages stuff that people 79 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 2: are probably a little bit more familiar with, but also 80 00:04:56,000 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 2: showing apology for when we hurt the other person. So first, 81 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,760 Speaker 2: I just want to give a sneak peak to our 82 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,760 Speaker 2: audience for what is a it's sort of an update 83 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 2: in a way to the Five Love Languages. It's a 84 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,920 Speaker 2: book that doctor Chapman is releasing with Less and Leslie 85 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 2: Parrott very soon. Rather than me summarizing what the Five 86 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 2: Love Languages all is, all about doctor Chapman. Why don't 87 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 2: you tell those who aren't as familiar with it what 88 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,279 Speaker 2: the five love languages are, and then we'll ask you 89 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:29,280 Speaker 2: about the new project. 90 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:33,680 Speaker 4: Okay, five different ways to express love. Number one is 91 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,960 Speaker 4: words of affirmation. Do you look nice in that outfit? 92 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,720 Speaker 4: I really appreciate what you did, just using words to 93 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 4: herm the other person. And then there's acts of service, 94 00:05:44,839 --> 00:05:48,360 Speaker 4: doing something to serve them in the marriage is washing dishes, 95 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 4: vacuuming flowers, mowing the grass, walking the dog, changing the babies, diaper, 96 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 4: doing something. And then there's gifts. It's universal to give 97 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 4: gifts as an expression of love. The gift says they 98 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 4: were thinking about me, Look what they got from me. 99 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:10,320 Speaker 4: Then quality time, giving them your undivided attention. TV is off, 100 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 4: computer is down, we're not answering the phone. We're talking 101 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 4: to each other. We're sharing life with each other. Or 102 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,279 Speaker 4: we can be taking a walk together or going out 103 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 4: to eat, assuming we talk to each other while we're eating. 104 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 3: Quality time. 105 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:28,240 Speaker 4: And then physical touch affirming physical touches. And so the 106 00:06:28,279 --> 00:06:31,039 Speaker 4: basic concept of that original book is that out of 107 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,479 Speaker 4: the five, each of us has what I call a 108 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,800 Speaker 4: primary love language. One of them speaks more deeply to 109 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 4: us emotionally than the other four. And if we don't 110 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,640 Speaker 4: receive love in our primary language, we will not feel loved, 111 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 4: even though our spouse may be loving us in some 112 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:49,400 Speaker 4: of the other languages. 113 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,200 Speaker 3: So that's the original book. 114 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,480 Speaker 1: Can you now briefly tell us a little bit about 115 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,600 Speaker 1: the new project, the new book you've written with Lesson Leslie. 116 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,360 Speaker 1: It's called The Love Language that matters most personalized love, 117 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: so that they really feel it. And we're going to 118 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,680 Speaker 1: be dropping a podcast with Lesson Leslie shortly after this one, 119 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 1: but we'd love to hear your thoughts on that, Doctor Chapman. 120 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,720 Speaker 4: All right, I'll just give you a free a few 121 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 4: brief words on this one, okay, and I'll less and 122 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 4: Leslie share more deeply next week. It's really a follow 123 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:24,240 Speaker 4: up book to the Five Love Languages, and among other things, 124 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,920 Speaker 4: we're dealing with not only the love language, your primary 125 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:33,200 Speaker 4: love language, but the particular dialect or dialects within that 126 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:37,440 Speaker 4: language that are most important to you. You know, for example, 127 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 4: there's words of affirmation, but within all these languages there 128 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 4: are different ways to express them. I'll call them dialects. 129 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,360 Speaker 4: For example, there's encouraging words you know, somebody shares an 130 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 4: idea and you know that's great, you should follow through 131 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 4: with that. Just encouraging words. And there's words of appreciation, 132 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,920 Speaker 4: and this is words of affirmations by language, and this 133 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,440 Speaker 4: is my dialect affirmation, you know, affirming me for something 134 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,000 Speaker 4: that I've done or said or whatever. You affirmation. And 135 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:10,920 Speaker 4: and then there's there's there's words of praise, praising them 136 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,680 Speaker 4: for something about there we could go on. So in 137 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 4: all of the languages, their dialects, and in this book 138 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 4: we're spelling out some of those dialects for use of 139 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 4: the languages. And then the other thing we're doing in 140 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:26,840 Speaker 4: the book is a is connecting their personality with their 141 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 4: love language, because the personality has a lot to do 142 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 4: with how you express their primary language. It's gonna be 143 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 4: a real help to folks who already know the five 144 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,559 Speaker 4: love languages read the original book. This is gonna be 145 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,040 Speaker 4: a real help and less unless we will tell you 146 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 4: more in depth and also other things that are going 147 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 4: to be in the book. But we are excited about it, 148 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,160 Speaker 4: and I'm glad that they joined me because they're a 149 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:55,040 Speaker 4: great team, as you well know, so can I. 150 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:58,080 Speaker 1: Before we get into the next topic, a question since 151 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,000 Speaker 1: we have doctor Chapman here, and it's one that I've 152 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: puzzled over a little bit. So let's take acts of service, 153 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: for example, which you. 154 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,080 Speaker 2: Know might technically be relevant. 155 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 3: For both of us. 156 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:18,200 Speaker 1: So it's important you know to the party receiving it 157 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,559 Speaker 1: that it is seen as an act of service by 158 00:09:22,559 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 1: that party. What happens when the party just kind of 159 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: goes it's what they should be doing. It's not an 160 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: act of service, it's just it's basic requirements. 161 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:36,120 Speaker 2: Of course you should be putting the discision. 162 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,679 Speaker 4: Course, So how do. 163 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:44,520 Speaker 1: We help when the recipient doesn't necessarily receive it the 164 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:48,320 Speaker 1: way that the person is attempting to give it. 165 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 4: You just stopped doing it for three weeks, okay, And 166 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,679 Speaker 4: I will say, honey, you haven't watched it. 167 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,439 Speaker 3: What's wrong? You're not washing the dishes. 168 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 4: Well, I understood that it really didn't mean that much 169 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 4: for you, you know, so so I just why should 170 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:09,080 Speaker 4: I do it? 171 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:09,560 Speaker 3: Okay? 172 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 4: And then oh, but it does mean a lot to me. 173 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:17,559 Speaker 4: Well you haven't said that. That's oh okay. Well, if 174 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 4: it's very meaningful to you and you see it as 175 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,719 Speaker 4: an act of love, then I will do it again. Yeah, 176 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,679 Speaker 4: Oh I love that I love that. 177 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:29,839 Speaker 2: I wonder if both you and doctor Chapman are enneagram ones. 178 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 3: Love that. 179 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 4: Thank you it a lot. 180 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,480 Speaker 2: Well, all right, it's actually interesting because and you know, 181 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,160 Speaker 2: we don't need to get into this, but it is 182 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:48,960 Speaker 2: interesting how one of the reasons that if we go 183 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 2: about twenty two years, one of the reasons Jeff and 184 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,479 Speaker 2: I did the research on for women only on understanding 185 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 2: men was that I didn't understand this about him, Like 186 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 2: I didn't recognize that he needed to hear the words 187 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:10,080 Speaker 2: of affirmation for the things that he did for me. 188 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 2: So yeah, that that that was the big AHA moment 189 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:14,440 Speaker 2: to me. 190 00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: So so thank you, thank you. 191 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:26,960 Speaker 2: That was a little bonus episode. I want to switch 192 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 2: to the languages of apology topics. So a few months ago, 193 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,720 Speaker 2: Jeff and I and Deborah Faleda and doctor Chapman were 194 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 2: all doing we were doing a virtual event for marriage, 195 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 2: and he was asked the organizers asked him to talk 196 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:52,560 Speaker 2: about something that, for whatever reason, we had never heard 197 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 2: him talk about before, what he had found out about 198 00:11:56,000 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 2: the five languages of apology. And as we so we 199 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,959 Speaker 2: listened to this, Jovi and I were going wow, wow, 200 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,000 Speaker 2: and I like it. 201 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:11,080 Speaker 1: And afterwards we're going, why haven't we ever heard this before? 202 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: All the research that we've done on helping people understand 203 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,080 Speaker 1: one another, this was one that was. 204 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,960 Speaker 3: It was dark in our our stuff. 205 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 2: You can see the piece of paper that was underneath 206 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 2: the camera's angle where I like wrote down the word 207 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 2: podcast I want to get along the podcasts we are. Yeah, 208 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 2: So before we jump into this in a little more detail, 209 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:51,240 Speaker 2: can you briefly explain what do you mean when you 210 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:56,440 Speaker 2: say languages of apology? Like before you explain what the 211 00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 2: five the five languages are, what is language of apology? 212 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 4: It's five different ways to express an apology, just like 213 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 4: the five love languages or five different ways to express low. 214 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,960 Speaker 4: And just as we have a primary love language, we 215 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,920 Speaker 4: have a primary apology language. So a spouse could be 216 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,240 Speaker 4: apologizing in one way and in their mind they're sincerely apologizing. 217 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,640 Speaker 4: In your mind, that's not a sincere apology. So that's 218 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 4: the basic concept it's important to learn. It's important not 219 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 4: only to apologize, but to learn what the other person 220 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 4: considers to be a sincere apology. Because when we've when 221 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:44,559 Speaker 4: we somewha's apologizing, what we are asking ourselves is are 222 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,160 Speaker 4: they sincere? Because if we judge them to be sincere, 223 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:52,000 Speaker 4: it's much easier to forgive them. So this is this 224 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,200 Speaker 4: is a really powerful thing. I say that there's two 225 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,559 Speaker 4: essentials to long term healthy marriages. One is we speak 226 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,200 Speaker 4: each other love language on a regular basis and meet 227 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 4: that emotional need for love. The others we deal effectively 228 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,040 Speaker 4: with our failures. 229 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,320 Speaker 3: That's are perfect. 230 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 4: You don't have to be perfect to have a long 231 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 4: term healthy marriage. So you do have to deal with 232 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,360 Speaker 4: our failures. And that's where apology comes in. 233 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 1: So as I was reading the book, I was just 234 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 1: and I love the way you lay it out through 235 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: so many stories of just individuals that are sharing here's 236 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:34,960 Speaker 1: what happened between my spouse and myself. And this didn't 237 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:39,600 Speaker 1: feel particularly right as apology. And you gave so many 238 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:45,160 Speaker 1: of those and unfortunately I saw myself in many of 239 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: those quotes from those people. But for the listeners, could 240 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,240 Speaker 1: you give us a you know kind of What are 241 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: those five languages of apology? 242 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 4: Okay, these are in no particular order of importance. Number 243 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 4: one is expressing regret, often with the words I'm sorry. 244 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,480 Speaker 4: But please don't ever say those two words alone. Tell 245 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 4: them what you're sorry for. I'm sorry that I lost 246 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 4: my temper and yelled at you. So you see, if 247 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,040 Speaker 4: you simply say I'm sorry, which we often do, I'm sorry, 248 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,520 Speaker 4: the other person may well be thinking you certainly are 249 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 4: Is there anything else you'd. 250 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 3: Like to say? You think you're apologizing, They. 251 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 4: Think you're giving a character report. 252 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,480 Speaker 3: Tell them what you're sorry. 253 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 4: For, and don't ever use the word but I'm sorry 254 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,760 Speaker 4: that I lost my temper and yelled at you. But 255 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 4: if you had not, then I would not. And now 256 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 4: you're no longer apologizing. You're blaming them, right right, Okay, 257 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,080 Speaker 4: So expressing regret is one of them. The second one 258 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 4: is accepting responsibility. I was wrong, should not have done that. 259 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:03,520 Speaker 4: I take full responsibility, accepting responsibility. And for some people, 260 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 4: if you don't say I was wrong, in their mind, 261 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 4: they're still waiting. It's not quite sincere. And incidentally, I 262 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 4: point out in the book that this is the first way, 263 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,360 Speaker 4: for first step in teaching. 264 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 3: A child to apologize. 265 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,320 Speaker 4: You know, my son and I were in the kitchen 266 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:22,840 Speaker 4: together many years ago. He was about six years old. 267 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,640 Speaker 4: He accidentally knocked the glass off the table hit the floor, 268 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 4: and when I heard it, I turned and looked at him, 269 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 4: and he said it did it by itself. And I said, Derek, 270 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:36,960 Speaker 4: let's say that a different way. I accidentally knocked the 271 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,560 Speaker 4: glass off the table, and he said, oh, I accidentally 272 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 4: locked the glass. It's not a sin to accidental unknock 273 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 4: the glass off. I'm just helping him accept responsibility for 274 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 4: his behavior, you know. So accepting responsibility. I was wrong, 275 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,960 Speaker 4: and I've had men say to me. How could I 276 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 4: say I'm wrong if I don't think I was wrong? 277 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 4: I said, listen, guys, don't get bent out of shape 278 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,960 Speaker 4: over whether or not what you did or didn't do 279 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,679 Speaker 4: was actually morally wrong. If it hurts your spouse in 280 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,160 Speaker 4: that sense, it's wrong and you did it. So accept responsibility. 281 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,399 Speaker 4: And I give this exact illustration. I said, you know, 282 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 4: I came home from a trip and my wife. They 283 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,400 Speaker 4: had delivered a chair that my wife had re upholstered, 284 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,480 Speaker 4: and I was sitting in that chair that next morning 285 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,080 Speaker 4: and she came into honey, how do you like the 286 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 4: new cover? And without thinking, I said, well, honey, I 287 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,360 Speaker 4: like it, but to be honest, I liked the old 288 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 4: cover better. 289 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,200 Speaker 3: She broke into tears. 290 00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:42,119 Speaker 4: I can't believe you don't like it. 291 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 1: That is such an encouraging story. Every one of us 292 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:54,119 Speaker 1: guys out if you if you that experience, of. 293 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 4: Course, I apologized to her and I said, hey, guys, 294 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:57,680 Speaker 4: what I said was not a sin. 295 00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,280 Speaker 3: It was just stupid. 296 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:04,720 Speaker 4: So let's accept our stupidity and this acknowledge I was wrong. 297 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 4: I'm the one that said it, so I'm wrong. Accepting responsibility. 298 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 4: And then the third one apology language is offering to 299 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,840 Speaker 4: make restitution. What can I do to make this right? 300 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,480 Speaker 4: And for some people, this is what they're waiting for. 301 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:24,159 Speaker 4: And if you don't offer to make it right, in 302 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,320 Speaker 4: their mind, you've not apologized. I tell this story. I 303 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,919 Speaker 4: think I told it maybe when you were listening at 304 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,440 Speaker 4: the meeting where I spoke, but I said. I sent 305 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,720 Speaker 4: the manuscript to a counselor friend of mine in California. 306 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 4: I said, would you read this and give us feedback 307 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 4: before we publish it. 308 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,600 Speaker 3: So he gave he came back, it's Gary. 309 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 4: My wife and I read it together, and I realized, 310 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,919 Speaker 4: on number one, that's what I've always said for fifteen years. 311 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:51,359 Speaker 3: In our marriage. 312 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 4: I've told her I'm sorry, you know I'm sorry, and 313 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 4: said I always seemed like she just couldn't let it go. 314 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,800 Speaker 4: We got to this one, and he said, my wife 315 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 4: said to me, this is what I've been waiting for 316 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,480 Speaker 4: eighteen years. You have never ever offered to make things right. 317 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,600 Speaker 4: He said, it never occurred to me, but now I do. 318 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:13,240 Speaker 4: I still tell her I'm sorry, and then I say, okay, honey, 319 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,760 Speaker 4: what can I do to make it right? And he said, 320 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:20,280 Speaker 4: she always has an idea. 321 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,000 Speaker 3: When I do it, she. 322 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,199 Speaker 4: Can forgive me, she can let it go, since for 323 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:29,360 Speaker 4: fifteen years his apologies had seemed insincere to her because 324 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 4: he wasn't speaking them in her language. And then there's 325 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 4: genuinely repenting, are expressing the desire to change your behavior. 326 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:42,480 Speaker 2: Okay. 327 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 4: I had a wife say to me not long ago, 328 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,200 Speaker 4: she said, you know, Gary, he does this. She tells 329 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,800 Speaker 4: me she told me what he did. And he will say, honey, 330 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,680 Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. 331 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:54,040 Speaker 3: And he does the. 332 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:58,000 Speaker 4: Same thing next week and says the same thing, and 333 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 4: then the next week he said he could be sincere. 334 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,359 Speaker 4: If he were sincere, he would try to change his behavior. See, 335 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:08,040 Speaker 4: she's talking about this language expressing the desire to change. 336 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,040 Speaker 4: And so I give examples of that in the book, 337 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:16,080 Speaker 4: you know saying to the spouse, you know I don't 338 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,240 Speaker 4: like what I did, and I know it's what I 339 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:22,240 Speaker 4: did last week? Can you help me? Can we get 340 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:26,120 Speaker 4: a plan so I won't do this again? And talk 341 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,119 Speaker 4: about it and get a plan so you won't do 342 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,160 Speaker 4: it again? You know, if you, for some people, if 343 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 4: you don't express the desire to change your behavior and 344 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 4: start doing things differently, how could you be sincere just 345 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,160 Speaker 4: keep on doing the same old thing over and over. 346 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 4: And then number five is actually requesting forgiveness. 347 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 3: Will you forgive me? 348 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,639 Speaker 4: Or I hope you can find it in your heart 349 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 4: to forgive me. I have to be honest. This one 350 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 4: was not on my radar. I mean, I thought, if 351 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,879 Speaker 4: I'm apologizing in any manner, would you not know that 352 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,640 Speaker 4: I want to be forgiven? Because otherwise why am I apologizing? 353 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,000 Speaker 4: But for some people, they're actually waiting for you to 354 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,399 Speaker 4: say the words. And I give an example of my 355 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,800 Speaker 4: co author, doctor Jennifer Thomas, and we wrote this book together. 356 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,959 Speaker 4: Her mother said, I'll give you an example of that. 357 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 3: At work. 358 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:22,680 Speaker 4: I have a close friend, i'man close friend for fifteen years, 359 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,200 Speaker 4: and I noticed the last two or three days she'd 360 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:30,760 Speaker 4: been a little quiet, this kind of cold, And so 361 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:31,400 Speaker 4: I said to. 362 00:21:31,359 --> 00:21:32,360 Speaker 3: Her at a break. 363 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,960 Speaker 4: Is everything all right between you and me? Incidentally, that's 364 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 4: the way friends talk if you think something's not right, 365 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,320 Speaker 4: you asked, and she said. My friend said, you know. 366 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,800 Speaker 4: One of the things that bothers me about you, you 367 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:51,400 Speaker 4: don't ever apologize. Her mother said, I was shocked, and 368 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 4: I said, what do you mean. She said, you remember 369 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,440 Speaker 4: two weeks ago when you do DOA do do da? 370 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,679 Speaker 4: And she said, yes, I do remember that. But I 371 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,399 Speaker 4: told you I was sorry. And the lady said, I know, 372 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:05,240 Speaker 4: but you did not ask me to forgive you. Her 373 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,240 Speaker 4: mother said, I was shocked again, and so I said, well, 374 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 4: then let me ask you to forgive me. I value 375 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:15,639 Speaker 4: our relationship, so will you please forgive me? And the 376 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 4: lady said sure. It wasn't that she didn't want to 377 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 4: forgive her. It wasn't in her mind her mother not apologize. 378 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 3: It was incomplete, incomplete, absolutely. 379 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,280 Speaker 4: So those are the five languages, and the idea is 380 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,440 Speaker 4: that most of us have one of those. It might 381 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 4: be two of those that are part of a sincere apology, 382 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,080 Speaker 4: and if they don't hear it, then in their mind 383 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:41,640 Speaker 4: the other person is not sincere, and so they have difficulty, 384 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,159 Speaker 4: you know, forgiving the person. 385 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:47,280 Speaker 2: I can see how the love languages for sure, and 386 00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:52,920 Speaker 2: the languages of apology really go together. That they're all 387 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:56,919 Speaker 2: in a way a type of love language there because 388 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:01,560 Speaker 2: we are speaking what the other person needs to hear. 389 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,720 Speaker 2: It's the analogy that I think are the pastor who 390 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 2: married us, and you know, the pastor and his wife 391 00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:13,320 Speaker 2: did the premarital counseling. If I'm remembering correctly, it was them, 392 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,960 Speaker 2: you know, because we've been married thirty one years now, 393 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:21,480 Speaker 2: and I think it was them that they said, think 394 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:26,880 Speaker 2: of everything in your marriage and in your communication as 395 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,920 Speaker 2: being you have two towers on two different hills, and 396 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:36,080 Speaker 2: you can be broadcasting whatever you're trying to communicate, but 397 00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 2: if the other person is on a different frequency, they're 398 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,000 Speaker 2: not hearing a word you're saying. You have to be 399 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,600 Speaker 2: on the same frequency in order to be able to 400 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:51,280 Speaker 2: receive everything that is being communicated to you. And it's 401 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:55,720 Speaker 2: almost like that, like it's almost a all of these 402 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:59,600 Speaker 2: things or about what the other person needs to receive 403 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 2: rather than what we naturally might send. 404 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: And honestly, doctor Chapman, as I read read this book 405 00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,520 Speaker 1: and I thought, my goodness, I mean, I've been working 406 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,160 Speaker 1: with Shanty for the last twenty five years on helping 407 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 1: men and women understand each other. And yet I still 408 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: assume that she knows what I need and if she's 409 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,000 Speaker 1: not providing it, and it was in this particular area. 410 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 1: If she's not providing it, then it's because she doesn't 411 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,720 Speaker 1: care enough about me or whatever the reason. 412 00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:44,560 Speaker 5: Well, the character exactly, it's like a character judgment, right, it's. 413 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:48,400 Speaker 1: Absolutely I told you that I had when I had 414 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 1: read it, that you used all of these little stories 415 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:55,160 Speaker 1: from people you know throughout the book that were so illuminating. 416 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,560 Speaker 1: There was one of a woman talking about her husband 417 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,199 Speaker 1: and I shared it with Shaunty and here's what the 418 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,320 Speaker 1: woman said. If I can just read it, because it 419 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 1: it showed a spotlight on me, and it said, most 420 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,560 Speaker 1: of all, I want him to understand how he hurt 421 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 1: me and why I want him to see things from 422 00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:21,320 Speaker 1: my perspective. I expect to hear him say I apologize, 423 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,160 Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. It helps if he gives an explanation 424 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,720 Speaker 1: of how his actions hurt me. That way, I know 425 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:34,359 Speaker 1: he understands. If it's something really bad, I expect abject 426 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: misery and can be really sad about the aim he 427 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:45,000 Speaker 1: caused me. That is a window into our. 428 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,359 Speaker 4: Light just had to put up with. 429 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 5: Ye. 430 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,199 Speaker 4: Yeah, well then that's the situation, you know. 431 00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,480 Speaker 3: And the reality is most of. 432 00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:01,840 Speaker 4: Us learned how to apologize from our parents. As we 433 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,480 Speaker 4: grew up. They taught us something. Now, we did find 434 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:08,200 Speaker 4: that about ten percent of the population almost never apologizes 435 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,960 Speaker 4: for anything. Oh wow, really that most of those are 436 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:16,680 Speaker 4: men who learned it from their fathers, who said to them, 437 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 4: real men don't apologize. And we know where their fathers 438 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:28,880 Speaker 4: got that, John Wayne, that great theologian. Real men don't apologize. 439 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,639 Speaker 4: And I say to those guys, I said, listen, guys, 440 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,679 Speaker 4: your dad probably did the best he could, but your 441 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,760 Speaker 4: dad had bad information. Real men do apologize, right, Yeah. 442 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 4: In fact, you're never going to have a long lasting, 443 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,080 Speaker 4: healthy relationship if you don't learn to apologize. But we 444 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,320 Speaker 4: learn from our parents, and so that's what we do, 445 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:51,560 Speaker 4: you know. But we had different parents, and so you know, 446 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,280 Speaker 4: I think if we realize that I find in my 447 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:59,359 Speaker 4: conferences that I lead, I found that at least eighty 448 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:03,520 Speaker 4: percent of the couples who are there have never had 449 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 4: a discussion about what a sincere apology looks like. 450 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,359 Speaker 3: That doesn't surprise me at all. 451 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,280 Speaker 2: I don't think we've ever had that conversation. We we 452 00:27:14,359 --> 00:27:19,240 Speaker 2: have a high value of apologizing, like our kids us. 453 00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:21,919 Speaker 2: You know, saying I'm sorry is a big deal. But 454 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,840 Speaker 2: that's as far as it went well. 455 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,439 Speaker 1: And it's like a lot of things in life and 456 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 1: in our relationship, you kind of just manage around things 457 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,679 Speaker 1: and you figure out kind of well, it kind of 458 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: sort of works, and that is oftentimes such an inferior result. 459 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:43,160 Speaker 1: Then if you can have some understanding and then talk 460 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:43,879 Speaker 1: about it. 461 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:47,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, absolutely, And that's why I think this book is 462 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,920 Speaker 4: beginning now. Of course it's getting out there now. It's 463 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 4: beginning to help a lot of people realize, oh okay, 464 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,400 Speaker 4: well then what do you consider to be a sincere apology? 465 00:27:58,480 --> 00:27:58,920 Speaker 3: Honey? 466 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,760 Speaker 4: Right, yeah, share with you, and then you share with them, 467 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,040 Speaker 4: and now you have information. 468 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:07,240 Speaker 2: It's so okay. Next question, which is I can tell 469 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,679 Speaker 2: everybody who's listening to this, if they're driving in the car, 470 00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,639 Speaker 2: they're listening to this podcast, they're going, so, how do 471 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:18,080 Speaker 2: I identify? How do how do I identify? Actually, how 472 00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 2: do we identify two things? How do we identify most 473 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,919 Speaker 2: importantly what our spouse what type of apology our spouse needs? 474 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,920 Speaker 2: But how do we also try to figure out our 475 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:34,160 Speaker 2: own like like so that we can understand what we 476 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,680 Speaker 2: need so that we can help our spouse in that way. 477 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 4: Well, I think one thing is you ask yourself the question, 478 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 4: what I apologize? How do I apologize? Just look back 479 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,600 Speaker 4: over you know, your life. When I have apologized to people, 480 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:55,200 Speaker 4: what what have I said? Because technically we're kind of 481 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:57,720 Speaker 4: we're saying to others what we would want them to 482 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:01,960 Speaker 4: say to us. And then you asked it yourself this question, 483 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:07,200 Speaker 4: when someone is apologizing to me, what do I want 484 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 4: to hear them say? So you're just asking yourself. Really 485 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,280 Speaker 4: those two questions, which is the two questions we asked 486 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 4: thousands of people in order to come up with these 487 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 4: five We asked them those questions, you know, how do 488 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,960 Speaker 4: I you know, how do I normally apologize? Why do 489 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 4: I you know? And then what I want to hear? 490 00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 4: And so those two things really will pretty much help 491 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,240 Speaker 4: you understand what you consider to be a sincere apology. 492 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,640 Speaker 1: I would I would offer one additional thing. 493 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,120 Speaker 3: Buy the book and read. 494 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:42,160 Speaker 1: It and read it together. Yeah, I'm dead serious about that. 495 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,480 Speaker 1: Buy the book and read it together. Because as you're 496 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,640 Speaker 1: doing that, you can go just like what. I didn't 497 00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,960 Speaker 1: realize what I was actually looking for. 498 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 4: I just didn't realize it. 499 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:58,120 Speaker 2: But once you know this, like, okay, can I can 500 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:01,720 Speaker 2: I share the recent example that just happened. 501 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 4: This is that okay? 502 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 2: Because we were preparing for this podcast and getting ready 503 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,320 Speaker 2: to talk to you, and we've both been doing our 504 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 2: different things about propping for the podcast, and Jeff was 505 00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,880 Speaker 2: the one who had been really reading more of the 506 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:24,600 Speaker 2: book and telling me some of the details. But we 507 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 2: had been like thinking about this and how you apologize, 508 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 2: and something happened this morning that made me go, oh, 509 00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 2: that's probably my apology language. Because long story short, Jeff 510 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:47,520 Speaker 2: is very sweetly organizing like a celebration party because I'm 511 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 2: about to finish my PhD and by the time this 512 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 2: podcast comes out, I will finally have my PhD. And 513 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,320 Speaker 2: which is like, you know, it's years of work and 514 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 2: all the things that you know are weird, but that 515 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,320 Speaker 2: you're doing it in your fifties instead of in your twenties, 516 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:11,200 Speaker 2: but whatever, And so we this morning, I had, basically 517 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,240 Speaker 2: without intending to, kind of asked him how's that going? 518 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:18,840 Speaker 2: Like I did. I didn't intend to make him feel 519 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:22,880 Speaker 2: like pressured, but I did, and he responded. 520 00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 1: By accordingly and not accordingly. I responded, not, well, the 521 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 1: response is maybe a short answer and then silence and 522 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:39,320 Speaker 1: then you know, yeah again, not proud of that, but 523 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: that's was my response. 524 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 2: Yeah. So anyway, so he came as we're getting ready 525 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:52,000 Speaker 2: to do this podcast. He came up to our bedroom. 526 00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:55,360 Speaker 2: He came over to where I was sitting instead of 527 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:58,720 Speaker 2: where he usually goes towards his dresser, and he kissed 528 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,360 Speaker 2: me on the forehead and said, I am so sorry. 529 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 2: You deserve everything that I can give you. You've done 530 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,800 Speaker 2: so much work, You're you know, this is such a 531 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,000 Speaker 2: huge thing. I'm so sorry that I handled things that way. 532 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:19,080 Speaker 2: And it was like that, like the I was wrong 533 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,000 Speaker 2: kind of thing, because that's I think, if I'm understanding 534 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 2: your languages, that's the I was wrong language. And I 535 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:31,680 Speaker 2: was like, I would never have recognized that just the hey, 536 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:34,960 Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. I won't do that again. It wouldn't 537 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:40,320 Speaker 2: have like that wouldn't have really, I mean, it would 538 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,280 Speaker 2: have been nice, it wouldn't have been a bad thing. 539 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,840 Speaker 2: But what really emotionally hit me was him saying I 540 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,520 Speaker 2: was such a bonehead. I hate to say it that way, 541 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 2: but you know, for handling things that way. Yeah, right, 542 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:59,640 Speaker 2: So that's and I think that's probably your apology language too, 543 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,320 Speaker 2: because you want object misery, I guess. 544 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:11,720 Speaker 1: So thank you doctor Chapman again again you're doing great 545 00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:12,360 Speaker 1: things for. 546 00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:19,000 Speaker 5: Okay, now we're gonna we're gonna go to a We're 547 00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,680 Speaker 5: gonna get a little bit more granular here for some 548 00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 5: of the people listening to this, because what if we 549 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:27,520 Speaker 5: don't want to apologize? 550 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:33,320 Speaker 2: What do we do when we recognize, like I really 551 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,960 Speaker 2: don't want to, Like they may think, you know that 552 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 2: I hurt them, but I don't want to. 553 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,960 Speaker 4: What do we do? Well, whenever we do something or 554 00:33:44,000 --> 00:33:49,760 Speaker 4: say something, or fail to do something, then we create 555 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:55,400 Speaker 4: an emotional barrier between the two of us, like okay, 556 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,720 Speaker 4: and it does not go away with the passing of 557 00:33:57,800 --> 00:34:03,320 Speaker 4: time out there. And so if you fail to apologize, 558 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:09,960 Speaker 4: you are conscious well maybe unconsciously, allowing that block in 559 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,440 Speaker 4: the wall to just sit there. And then you have 560 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:16,440 Speaker 4: another situation where you do something that hurts your spouse, 561 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,840 Speaker 4: you put another block in the wall. And this is 562 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:23,120 Speaker 4: how people build walls between them emostly so that eventually 563 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:27,480 Speaker 4: you know, they're just they have a huge barrier between 564 00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:28,160 Speaker 4: and they're. 565 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 3: Just basically living in the same house. You know. 566 00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:35,200 Speaker 4: Wow, I would say, if you understand this, it is 567 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:38,360 Speaker 4: a necessity if we're going to have a long term 568 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:41,200 Speaker 4: healthy marriage. Now, you can have a long term marriage 569 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 4: without this, and you can end up with a wall 570 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:46,520 Speaker 4: between you and you can just be living as roommates. 571 00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:47,640 Speaker 3: But if you're going to. 572 00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:51,120 Speaker 4: Have a long term healthy marriage, we have to deal 573 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:54,239 Speaker 4: with our failures. And that means we have to tear 574 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,560 Speaker 4: the wall down. And so for people that have the wall, 575 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:01,560 Speaker 4: I sugist, you just sit down and ask God, show 576 00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 4: me where I have failed my spouse. Wow. And God 577 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:09,319 Speaker 4: will answer that prayer, and you just write them down. 578 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:10,160 Speaker 3: Wow. 579 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:14,760 Speaker 2: Show me where I have failed my spouse over the years. 580 00:35:15,040 --> 00:35:15,600 Speaker 1: Wow. 581 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,600 Speaker 2: Because if I could just if I could just continue. 582 00:35:18,640 --> 00:35:21,359 Speaker 2: It's almost like the imagery that we're getting from you 583 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,359 Speaker 2: is as you have done these things that have hurt 584 00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:28,360 Speaker 2: your spouse, maybe unintentionally, right, Like, that's a lot of 585 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,960 Speaker 2: the work that we do that I can hurt just 586 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:34,840 Speaker 2: feelings and hit like a raw nerve that I don't 587 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,640 Speaker 2: know really is there, or that I didn't intend to, 588 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,400 Speaker 2: like if I tease him in front of his friends, 589 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,480 Speaker 2: or something about yeah, you know, I'm not intending to, 590 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 2: but still I put another brick in the wall, right, 591 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,040 Speaker 2: And so the imagery is almost like with the apology, 592 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,800 Speaker 2: I'm removing the brick. I'm removing one of those bricks. 593 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:53,960 Speaker 2: I'm dis mantling it. 594 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,640 Speaker 1: Well, one of the things that kind of strikes me 595 00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:01,200 Speaker 1: is in those moments, let's go back to mine and 596 00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:08,800 Speaker 1: Shanty's this morning, out of self interest, my own self interest, 597 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:14,040 Speaker 1: let's take Shanty's needs out of the picture. If I 598 00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:19,720 Speaker 1: am just focused on my self interest doing what you've 599 00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:23,239 Speaker 1: your book encouraged me to do, which was to go 600 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:27,520 Speaker 1: and apologize, say I was sorry. No, But I'm thinking 601 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,200 Speaker 1: through it right now even as we're talking, because if 602 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:35,120 Speaker 1: I hadn't done that, I know myself and I would 603 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:40,280 Speaker 1: have ruminated on and I would have been justifying why 604 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:45,200 Speaker 1: I was right in getting upset there, because Shaunty always 605 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:49,720 Speaker 1: does this and she always does that, and I would 606 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:54,480 Speaker 1: have created this own internal turmoil in my own heart 607 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:59,400 Speaker 1: and mind. And by going the route of the apology, 608 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:04,240 Speaker 1: it was gone. I was free and she was free 609 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:09,440 Speaker 1: and just in take just your own self interest, do 610 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:15,040 Speaker 1: it outside of simply because it's right, and it's the 611 00:37:15,280 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 1: prist like thing to do. It works for you. If 612 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:21,399 Speaker 1: that's your only reason it. 613 00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:26,120 Speaker 4: Works, you're exactly right. And for couples, you know, I say, 614 00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 4: sit down and talk about this, because there's a good 615 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:33,239 Speaker 4: chance that there's some wall between the two of you 616 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:37,480 Speaker 4: that you haven't dealt with. And this and again the 617 00:37:37,560 --> 00:37:40,400 Speaker 4: idea you gave earlier reading the book together. Each of 618 00:37:40,480 --> 00:37:44,000 Speaker 4: you read the chapter together and discuss it together. This 619 00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:48,400 Speaker 4: could revolutionize many marriages. A lot of them they just 620 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:50,759 Speaker 4: never they've never, they've never dealt with all. 621 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,279 Speaker 3: These things, and they and they have this wall between them. 622 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:55,839 Speaker 2: Well I don't say, you know, like I don't think 623 00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,600 Speaker 2: we have a wall between us, but we can literally 624 00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,440 Speaker 2: never discussed this, like we didn't know it was a 625 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:06,839 Speaker 2: thing to discuss, right, So okay, next question. 626 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, what if the person who's offended you doesn't offer 627 00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:13,440 Speaker 1: the apology? 628 00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,359 Speaker 4: Then the Bible's pretty clear about that. It says if 629 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 4: your brother sends against you, you go approach him, and 630 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:26,000 Speaker 4: if he apologizes or if he repents, forgive him. So 631 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:31,040 Speaker 4: sometimes we don't know we've hurt the other person, but 632 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:31,560 Speaker 4: that we have. 633 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,839 Speaker 3: And so so if you. 634 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:38,040 Speaker 4: Were hurt and your spouse didn't see it as anything 635 00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:41,080 Speaker 4: that necessarily would have hurt you, then you need to 636 00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:46,000 Speaker 4: say something like, honey, if something will bother me, would 637 00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:47,759 Speaker 4: this be a good time to share it with you? 638 00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,880 Speaker 4: They don't get hit on broadside. Don't just walk up 639 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,680 Speaker 4: and say what you did this morning with. 640 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:54,440 Speaker 3: Halfel and Donald? 641 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,960 Speaker 4: No, no, no, You say if there was something bothered me, 642 00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:58,799 Speaker 4: would this be a good time to share it with you? 643 00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:01,480 Speaker 4: And if they give you permission, which they liked, it 644 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,000 Speaker 4: will because now they're dying to know you know, and 645 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:09,920 Speaker 4: you just say, well, you probably didn't mean this, but 646 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:12,400 Speaker 4: this morning when you said da da da da da 647 00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:17,440 Speaker 4: da da, it really hurt me. It made me feel 648 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:22,120 Speaker 4: like and you tell them how you felt. Now, because 649 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,160 Speaker 4: you've come to them in a kind way and a 650 00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:27,840 Speaker 4: loving way, not in a yelling, screaming way, there's a 651 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:31,320 Speaker 4: good chance that they're going to apologize to you because 652 00:39:31,360 --> 00:39:33,600 Speaker 4: you brought it to their attention. They would not have 653 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:37,279 Speaker 4: apologized if you had not confronted them, because in their 654 00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 4: mind they didn't they didn't realize that what they said 655 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:42,400 Speaker 4: or did hurt you. But even if they did realize 656 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,200 Speaker 4: that what they did was wrong, and they don't come 657 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:48,439 Speaker 4: to apologize, then you know you're going You're going to them, 658 00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:52,000 Speaker 4: and you say, I value our relationship and I want 659 00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:56,120 Speaker 4: our relationship to be open and honest, and therefore I 660 00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:59,839 Speaker 4: want to share with you. You know, last week, last night, 661 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:03,040 Speaker 4: or whatever, you yelled at me, you screamed at me, 662 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:06,960 Speaker 4: you said harsh words to me, and I don't know, 663 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,760 Speaker 4: maybe you feel like I deserved it, but it really 664 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:13,040 Speaker 4: really really hurt me, and I just, I just I 665 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,120 Speaker 4: want us to deal with it. And when they see 666 00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,480 Speaker 4: that you're coming in in a kind way, they're far 667 00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,879 Speaker 4: more likely to apologize to you. Now, some people are 668 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,319 Speaker 4: going to be defensive because that's just that's a part 669 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:29,040 Speaker 4: of who they are. They because to apologize that they're 670 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,920 Speaker 4: wrong makes them feel like they're a bad person. No, 671 00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:35,960 Speaker 4: to apologize and Mitch, you're wrong simply acknowledges that you're 672 00:40:35,960 --> 00:40:39,000 Speaker 4: a human. You're not a bad person. You're just a human. 673 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,880 Speaker 4: All of us do things that are wrong in terms 674 00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:42,960 Speaker 4: of our relationships. 675 00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,719 Speaker 2: And I know we're getting close to the end here, 676 00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,880 Speaker 2: we have to start wrapping up. But can I just 677 00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:52,240 Speaker 2: press in on that and ask a follow up question 678 00:40:53,520 --> 00:40:59,719 Speaker 2: if if you say you know that hurt me, or 679 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:04,640 Speaker 2: for whatever reason, the other person apologizes to you, Okay, 680 00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:08,920 Speaker 2: but maybe they don't know your apology languages yet, or 681 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 2: you know, we're all still just trying to figure it out, 682 00:41:11,760 --> 00:41:14,960 Speaker 2: and you don't. You just don't feel like it's sincere. 683 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,480 Speaker 2: Whatever that apology is. You don't feel like it's a 684 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:24,600 Speaker 2: sincere apology. How can you sort of be confident that 685 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,640 Speaker 2: the other person's apology was sincere even if it didn't 686 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,759 Speaker 2: quite hit you the way you needed to be here? 687 00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:33,759 Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, Well, I think none of us know what 688 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:37,120 Speaker 4: the other person considers to be a sincere apology because 689 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:41,799 Speaker 4: we haven't discussed it, most likely. And so now that 690 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:43,799 Speaker 4: we know, here's what I say to a person that's 691 00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:46,680 Speaker 4: read the book or heard me lecture on it. I say, 692 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:49,960 Speaker 4: now that you know that there's at least five ways 693 00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:53,640 Speaker 4: to apologize, and now that you know that most of 694 00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:57,400 Speaker 4: the time we learn to apologize from our parents, and 695 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:01,040 Speaker 4: they're probably apologizing in the way they were taught to apologize. 696 00:42:01,840 --> 00:42:05,200 Speaker 4: Let's give them credit for it. Let's choose to give 697 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,920 Speaker 4: them credit for it. You see, God knows our heart 698 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:12,480 Speaker 4: when we're apologizing to him. He knows whether we're sincere 699 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:14,480 Speaker 4: or not. He knows our heart. We don't know the 700 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:18,400 Speaker 4: heart of the other person, and we judge sincerity based 701 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,319 Speaker 4: on what we've talked about, whether they're apologizing in a 702 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:24,279 Speaker 4: way that's meaningful to me. But now that we know 703 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:27,840 Speaker 4: that there are different ways, let's give them credit. But 704 00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:32,879 Speaker 4: long term, far healthier if a couple will work through 705 00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:36,319 Speaker 4: this together and share with each other and what they 706 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:39,239 Speaker 4: consider to be a sincere apology, look back on their 707 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,239 Speaker 4: lives together and realize that there were times when you 708 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:45,719 Speaker 4: apologize that it didn't feel sincere to me. You know, 709 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:48,399 Speaker 4: you're just being honest kind of looking back over your 710 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,400 Speaker 4: lifetime together. But let's make things different in the future, 711 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:53,520 Speaker 4: and let's learn how to apologize in a way it's 712 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,919 Speaker 4: meaningful to each other. 713 00:42:56,360 --> 00:43:00,160 Speaker 1: That is fantastic. And I think we probably need to 714 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,920 Speaker 1: be respectful of your time, doctor, I want to keep 715 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:09,640 Speaker 1: I guess, so I guess. In wrapping up, we've all 716 00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:14,440 Speaker 1: been speaking to lots of audiences, sharing lots of information 717 00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:18,000 Speaker 1: over times when we're talking with them, and we all 718 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:22,439 Speaker 1: know that most people forget most of the stuff. It's 719 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:27,720 Speaker 1: just impossible to retain all the information. So of however, 720 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:33,239 Speaker 1: we've gone through this particular forty minutes with you, if 721 00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:35,719 Speaker 1: you were to kind of think through what would be 722 00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:40,239 Speaker 1: one takeaway that you would really want a listener to 723 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:44,160 Speaker 1: remember from all of this that we've talked about, or 724 00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:48,480 Speaker 1: something else of yours, you know, when they think about 725 00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:50,560 Speaker 1: themselves and their relationships. 726 00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:53,440 Speaker 4: I think what I would say is, if they're not 727 00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:57,840 Speaker 4: familiar with the Five Love Languages or the Five Apology Languages, 728 00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:01,000 Speaker 4: of all the books that I've written, I would say 729 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,160 Speaker 4: those would be the first two books you should read 730 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:07,640 Speaker 4: because these deal These two topics are what I say, 731 00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:12,640 Speaker 4: essentials to having a long term, healthy relationship, learning how 732 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:16,240 Speaker 4: to love the other person effectively in a way that's 733 00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:20,400 Speaker 4: meaningful to them emotionally, and learning how to apologize in 734 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,719 Speaker 4: a way that's meaningful to them. And then I would 735 00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:27,759 Speaker 4: also say, when you hear an apology, always be open 736 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:33,000 Speaker 4: to forgive and remember God forgive you, yes, and we 737 00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:36,040 Speaker 4: forgive others. So I think those would be the two 738 00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:36,959 Speaker 4: things I would say. 739 00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:38,640 Speaker 1: Lovely, thank you. 740 00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:42,759 Speaker 2: So we need to say thank you to doctor Gary 741 00:44:42,840 --> 00:44:46,640 Speaker 2: Chapman for coming on our show. So check out his 742 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:50,319 Speaker 2: books obviously the Five Love Languages if you haven't, but 743 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:54,480 Speaker 2: the Five Apology Languages and the newest book with Les 744 00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:58,279 Speaker 2: and Leslie Parrot, The Love Language that Matters Most and 745 00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:01,160 Speaker 2: You can find links to these in the show notes. Also, 746 00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:06,040 Speaker 2: please share today's episode and tag doctor Chapman and tag 747 00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:09,000 Speaker 2: us on all your social media channels. So thanks so 748 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:10,120 Speaker 2: much for being with us. 749 00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:13,560 Speaker 1: To thank you Doctor Chapman, thanks. 750 00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,280 Speaker 2: For listening to I wish you could hear this. Remember 751 00:45:16,320 --> 00:45:20,120 Speaker 2: to subscribe to our podcast, and as always, forward today's 752 00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:23,400 Speaker 2: audio or video link to a friend, counselor, or pastor 753 00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:29,239 Speaker 2: who would be encouraged. I just want to take a 754 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:32,120 Speaker 2: second to thank the team at Life Audio for their 755 00:45:32,200 --> 00:45:35,200 Speaker 2: partnership with us on the podcast. If you go to 756 00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:38,720 Speaker 2: lifeaudio dot com, you will find dozens of other faith 757 00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:42,360 Speaker 2: centered podcasts in their network. They've got shows about prayer, 758 00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:45,000 Speaker 2: Bible study, parenting, and more.