1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:08,640 Speaker 1: Life Audio. Welcome to I Wish You Could Hear This, 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 1: where we explore great stories and simple, proven steps to 3 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: help you thrive in life, faith, and relationships. 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:20,920 Speaker 2: In our research, we've heard hundreds of hopefield strategies for marriage, parenting, leadership, 5 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 2: and life that are grounded in science and consistent with 6 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 2: biblical truth, and now you can hear them too. 7 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 1: I'm Shanti Felton. 8 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 2: And I'm Jeff Feldon. 9 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: This is Part two of an important conversation about the 10 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 1: current dating recession for singles who are interested in moving 11 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,920 Speaker 1: towards marriage but are finding the dating market a bit 12 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: disappointing these days. In Part one, we started the conversation 13 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 1: about a new study that shows it really has gotten 14 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,920 Speaker 1: more difficult to develop good dating relationships today, but it 15 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,920 Speaker 1: also provides some great clues that will help give interested 16 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: singles a path for great can We covered several issues 17 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,040 Speaker 1: and to dos in Part one, and we'll cover more 18 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,880 Speaker 1: in this Part two of I Wish You Could Hear This. 19 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,560 Speaker 2: So last time, we impact some of a major Institute 20 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 2: for Family Studies research report that surveyed forty five hundred 21 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:24,200 Speaker 2: singles ages twenty two to thirty five who wanted to 22 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:28,480 Speaker 2: be married someday. Menaha moment was they want to be 23 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:33,399 Speaker 2: dating and are looking for significant relationships, but seventy percent 24 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 2: of them they're not dating. 25 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:41,440 Speaker 1: So in part one of this podcast, we were unpacking 26 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 1: some of the reasons why, which ifs found in the 27 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: report and which we've seen in our own research over 28 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,680 Speaker 1: the years, because once we know the reasons why, we 29 00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: can figure out what to do about it. And by 30 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 1: the way, this is important not just if you are 31 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: a single in this category, but if you are the 32 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: parent of a single in this category, which is like us, 33 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: because we have two kids, one just got married and 34 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 1: one is very much wanting to be dating. Right, So 35 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,960 Speaker 1: we said that there would be five reasons that we 36 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 1: were covering along with what we can do about it, 37 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,959 Speaker 1: and so let's just recap briefly what we talked about 38 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: last time. The first reason that we covered in part 39 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: one for this issue is that there's actually just a 40 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: dating recession, Like they're just like the economy can go 41 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:31,480 Speaker 1: into a recession and everything slows down and it's hard 42 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,920 Speaker 1: to find a good job because there just aren't that 43 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,800 Speaker 1: many jobs out there. There's currently this report found you 44 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: could call it a dating recession where people are just 45 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,440 Speaker 1: pulling themselves out of the dating market for various reasons 46 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 1: that we're going to talk about. And so that's the 47 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,440 Speaker 1: first and one of the most structural issues. 48 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,800 Speaker 2: You know, it's kind of funny one of the things 49 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,480 Speaker 2: that economists talk about when it comes to the economy 50 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 2: are the people who actually have taken themselves out of 51 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,679 Speaker 2: the labor market market. So they're not even counted as 52 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 2: you know, unemployed anymore, right, because they're not not looctively 53 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 2: looking for a job. And that's kind of what we're 54 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:16,240 Speaker 2: seeing in what this report is talking about, how people 55 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 2: have just taken themselves out of the market. So anyways, 56 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,000 Speaker 2: the second question, or the second reason. 57 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,760 Speaker 1: Which is a big one, right, which is. 58 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,400 Speaker 2: A lack of confidence in their dating skills, things like 59 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,160 Speaker 2: being confidence in approaching someone that they were interested in 60 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,760 Speaker 2: or about picking up on social clues. We've heard this 61 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 2: so many times from singles that we actually know, and 62 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: it's it is a painful, painful place to be in 63 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 2: because you know, much of our research that we've done 64 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 2: over the years focuses on those things that those insecurities 65 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 2: that each of us tend to have inside of us 66 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 2: that are telling us a narrative about ourselves or about others, 67 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 2: and oftentimes those insecurities are telling a narrative that is inaccurate, 68 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 2: but they definitely can paralyze us or lead us down 69 00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:18,359 Speaker 2: paths that aren't particularly helpful, or our paths that you know, 70 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,880 Speaker 2: perhaps our heavenly father wishes we weren't going down those paths. 71 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: Well, that actually leads into what we were going to 72 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 1: talk about in part two, which is because we said 73 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:33,599 Speaker 1: we would cover the next three reasons. And so the 74 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,719 Speaker 1: third reason, why don't you unpock this one a little bit? Yeah, 75 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,000 Speaker 1: I mean because it's very relevant to. 76 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,479 Speaker 2: Its essentially a lack of confidence in themselves. 77 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: So not just in their skills, but in. 78 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 2: Them them themselves. So one of the key issues is 79 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 2: a lack of confidence and how attractive they are to 80 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Speaker 2: potential dating partners. 81 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: So we've heard this. 82 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 2: Over and over again on you know, from singles about 83 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 2: data apps and social media. When it's in those particular environments, 84 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:10,440 Speaker 2: it's all about looks and swipes and that micro second. 85 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:15,719 Speaker 1: Of is this opportunity of interest exactly? We should explain 86 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,719 Speaker 1: just briefly, this was a very large, well done survey 87 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,680 Speaker 1: and the forty five hundred people that the analysis was 88 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: on were all singles aged twenty two to thirty five 89 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,680 Speaker 1: who wanted to be married someday and they weren't currently 90 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,599 Speaker 1: in a you know, they weren't living together, they weren't 91 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,520 Speaker 1: in a relationship. And that's the group that said seventy 92 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:40,159 Speaker 1: percent of them just weren't dating and like had maybe 93 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 1: dated once or twice in the last year or not 94 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,680 Speaker 1: at all. And so one of the reasons which we're 95 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 1: talking about here is that only thirty eight percent of 96 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:53,080 Speaker 1: the singles in the survey believed they were attractive to 97 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:58,480 Speaker 1: potential dating partners. This, in this world of swipes and 98 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: looks is. 99 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,040 Speaker 2: So can I jump in here real quick on this 100 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,920 Speaker 2: because you know when I hear that about attractiveness to 101 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:12,159 Speaker 2: potential dating partners, you know I immediately go to the 102 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:15,160 Speaker 2: question of what is attractive? 103 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,360 Speaker 1: Okay, So in most. 104 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,760 Speaker 2: Guys' eyes, and I can only speak from the guy's 105 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,480 Speaker 2: point of view, we think it's all about physical attractiveness. 106 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: I mean of how attractive you are. 107 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 2: Yes a single guy, yes, okay, as a guy, when 108 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 2: you're thinking about yourself and you hear the word attractiveness, 109 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 2: you think it's about your physical looks. And if that is, 110 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:41,040 Speaker 2: if that's the case, then the dating apps are skewed 111 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:46,760 Speaker 2: towards those individuals who possess that natural physical attractiveness. We've 112 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,719 Speaker 2: heard from some young men that really, if you're a 113 00:06:50,839 --> 00:06:54,039 Speaker 2: nine or ten in physical attractiveness, you'll have lots of 114 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,080 Speaker 2: activity on the dating apps. But if you're like the 115 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:01,000 Speaker 2: vast majority of us humans, you aren't nine or a ten. 116 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 1: You can even be a seven or an eight correct. 117 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 2: And still and feel sat and this can be a 118 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 2: huge blow to one's confidence. So when you feel rejected 119 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:17,440 Speaker 2: on this basis that really is this very superficial idea 120 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 2: of attractiveness. The problem is, though, that in other forms 121 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 2: of attractiveness, kindness, self confidence, humor, those aren't rewarded in 122 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 2: that microsecond decision by a user of a dating app. 123 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:38,400 Speaker 2: Just being honest, this dating scene would have totally depressed 124 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 2: me if I was a twenty something right now, because 125 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 2: I can say that that insecurity about physical appearance, it 126 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,680 Speaker 2: was always there, but a lot of times you're not 127 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 2: necessarily thinking about it. You know, you're doing things that 128 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:59,360 Speaker 2: hopefully will improve that physical attractiveness, you know, keeping yourself 129 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,120 Speaker 2: fit or whatever that is. But the fact that with 130 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:07,360 Speaker 2: these dating apps you have the opportunity of feeling every 131 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:11,200 Speaker 2: day that you are being rejected because of how you look. 132 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,920 Speaker 1: Well, and we mentioned this in part one. Just one 133 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: data point is, for example, our son who said we 134 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: could talk about it because I asked, I didn't want 135 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: to like mention this if he didn't like that. But 136 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,520 Speaker 1: he's twenty three years old. He's a mechanical engineering student 137 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: at a college. He's sort of on the five year 138 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,080 Speaker 1: plan because engineering is hard, so he's in his first 139 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,520 Speaker 1: version of his senior year and I'll have one more year. 140 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:42,199 Speaker 1: But he has tried the dating apps and he said 141 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: they are basically just this constant blow to his self confidence. 142 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,680 Speaker 1: Now it's it just to be fair. Our daughter who 143 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,400 Speaker 1: just got married, she met her now husband on a 144 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,079 Speaker 1: dating app on Hinge and it worked great for that. 145 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,920 Speaker 2: Well, it worked in the case that she'd been on 146 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 2: it for less than a week or two when they connected. 147 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 2: So you know, that's that's a data point that I 148 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 2: don't think many who are using these apps, you know, have. 149 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,960 Speaker 1: Have yeah, well, and it certainly for our son Luke. 150 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,079 Speaker 1: One of the things that he talks about is that 151 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,120 Speaker 1: in his view, and again this is just his opinion, 152 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: but we've heard this from quite a few, quite a 153 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: few other young adults, is that what it has become 154 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: is very performative. It has become a it's not just 155 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: putting your best foot forward, which you know you always 156 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: do when you're wanting to date and wanting to be 157 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,760 Speaker 1: out there. It's this, Oh my gosh, I only have 158 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:47,400 Speaker 1: a second, literally one second to get the attention of somebody, 159 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,559 Speaker 1: and that's just not realistic. 160 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 2: Right. 161 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:54,199 Speaker 1: And so now one of the things that comes from this, 162 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,280 Speaker 1: we said, we wanted to provide hope to people, right, 163 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: we wanted to talk about what do you do about it? 164 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,280 Speaker 1: And one of the things we talked about last time 165 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,720 Speaker 1: is relevant here, I think, which is you and I 166 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:12,520 Speaker 1: were just up at Harvard going to a conference of 167 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,760 Speaker 1: a bunch of the Christian alumni of Harvard and speaking, 168 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: and you're on the board there and talking about the 169 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:26,320 Speaker 1: trends in our culture, which certainly include these kinds of 170 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,280 Speaker 1: trends that we're talking about today, and one of the 171 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: speakers was talking about that a solution for all of 172 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:40,800 Speaker 1: the digital content today that is just taken over our 173 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:47,640 Speaker 1: world and that young adults especially are so tired of that. 174 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 1: The solution is very intentional opportunities for presence, like in 175 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 1: real life, in person and things like you know what, 176 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 1: I'm tired, but I am going to go to go 177 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,560 Speaker 1: to church today. I am going to go to the 178 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: young adults group. I am going to join a small group. 179 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: I am going to maybe if I don't, you know, 180 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: I don't have a single adults group in my church, 181 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,880 Speaker 1: I'll start one. I'll get together with other people and say, 182 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,559 Speaker 1: let's just you know, have an open invitation on Sunday 183 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,079 Speaker 1: afternoons to have lunch for anyone who's in their twenties. Whatever. 184 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:32,559 Speaker 1: That is creating those opportunities for presence that might seem intimidating, 185 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:38,040 Speaker 1: but it's a whole lot more real than the also 186 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,600 Speaker 1: intimidating putting yourself out there on a dating app. For sure. 187 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 2: For sure, it does require in those trying to develop 188 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 2: that presence presence, it does require a level of courage. Yeah, 189 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 2: you know, to put yourself out there. And I get 190 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 2: that that's that's kind of challenging. It's easy to be 191 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 2: afraid and to want to just go back to where 192 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,000 Speaker 2: it's safe. 193 00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, and because of that inner question, that lack of 194 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 1: confidence about themselves. Now, one thing before we move on, to. 195 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: The fourth reason is something that I did want to 196 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,559 Speaker 1: mention because we've seen this over and over for years 197 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 1: in our research and it certainly is still the case today, 198 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,760 Speaker 1: which is we were talking to two single women who 199 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:35,840 Speaker 1: are roommates. They're in their mid twenties, and we said, 200 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 1: what do you think are the reasons for this? And 201 00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: they put their heads together and they gave us a 202 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,760 Speaker 1: lot of really good points, a lot of good thoughts. 203 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,120 Speaker 1: But one of the things this one woman said is 204 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,760 Speaker 1: she said, you know, film and television and social media 205 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 1: has raised our expectations for not just who we should 206 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:59,160 Speaker 1: be hoping to attract, but what it looks like to 207 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,240 Speaker 1: even fall in love to begin with. It's raise those 208 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:06,920 Speaker 1: expectations to just completely unrealistic heights. And so that's another 209 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:11,240 Speaker 1: reason why people's confidence sometimes gets hit is that you know, 210 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,520 Speaker 1: you kind of expect that the guy will just naturally 211 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: pursue you, for example, because that's what you see in TV. 212 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,720 Speaker 1: That's what it looks like, and it doesn't always look 213 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: like that in real life. You may have to do 214 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: things that are building a friendship and being very patient 215 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,720 Speaker 1: and things that just don't happen in the movie version. 216 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:40,800 Speaker 2: And I think and certainly not the case with these 217 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:46,120 Speaker 2: two young women, but with many our expectations of what 218 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 2: we expect, we need to be willing to provide a 219 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:56,280 Speaker 2: huge amount of grace. Yeah, to people that we engage 220 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 2: with that we may want to be interesting, you're interested in, 221 00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:02,760 Speaker 2: because they're not going to be perfect. It's going to 222 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,679 Speaker 2: be something that they're going to say something and you're 223 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:07,440 Speaker 2: going to cringe and go, oh my gosh. 224 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:07,880 Speaker 1: Do I really like you? 225 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:10,880 Speaker 2: I really like her or him? And you know, gosh, 226 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,640 Speaker 2: we maybe have these differing political views on whatever topic 227 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,080 Speaker 2: and I don't think I could be married to someone 228 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: like that, and we just throw it out right there 229 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,880 Speaker 2: without you know, thinking that, you know what, maybe over 230 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,840 Speaker 2: a month or two of getting to know this person, 231 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 2: that really isn't such a huge issue. Yeah, So anyways, reason. 232 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:38,160 Speaker 1: For Yeah, let's go to reason number four. 233 00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:39,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, So the. 234 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: Reason number four I found this particularly fascinating in this 235 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:49,120 Speaker 1: survey is that there were financial barriers to dating, financial 236 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:54,200 Speaker 1: and career issues. So here's here's sort of the money 237 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 1: piece of this. This should have occurred to me, and 238 00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 1: I'm surprised that, like, I never even thought of this, 239 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,720 Speaker 1: but it came out really strongly on the survey that 240 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 1: you know, modern dating is focused on commercial activities that 241 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: cost money. So hey, let's go get dinner, let's go 242 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,320 Speaker 1: to top golf, let's do whatever, you know, right, And 243 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 1: so more than half of the single surveyed said they 244 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: just couldn't even afford to go on dates. That was 245 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 1: fifty eight percent of men and forty six percent of women. 246 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,960 Speaker 1: And I found that to be fascinating and also it 247 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,280 Speaker 1: made me think, Okay, so again, if you're talking about 248 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: the power of presence, right, then having a some sort 249 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: of a hey let's get together for a cheap lunch 250 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 1: after church with a group. We can just go get pizza. 251 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:54,680 Speaker 1: That that is a it's far more it's cheaper, but 252 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 1: it's also a lot less pressure than hey, there's this 253 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 1: one on one sort of I need to have the 254 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:07,200 Speaker 1: perfect date idea, because ultimately, what we've seen in the research, 255 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 1: what came out on the survey is that people are 256 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,920 Speaker 1: just looking for emotional connections, right, they don't want or 257 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: need the perfect date. 258 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 2: Well, you know, I'm thinking of when we were young 259 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 2: marrieds living in Manhattan. Yeah, and we went to Redeemer 260 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 2: Presbyterian Church, Tim Keller's Church, and there was something that 261 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:36,720 Speaker 2: we loved to do every Saturday morning, and it was, 262 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,440 Speaker 2: you know, a group of people from Redeemer And these 263 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:45,120 Speaker 2: were saturdays when either Chanty or I were actually not working. 264 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,480 Speaker 2: So what they did was they would meet in Central 265 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,720 Speaker 2: Park and there would be about twenty twenty five of them, yeah, 266 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,560 Speaker 2: and we'd play ultimate frisbee together and it was co ed, 267 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:59,600 Speaker 2: so it was guys and girls, and you know, you 268 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 2: saw relationships and friendships. I'm over running across the field 269 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,320 Speaker 2: throwing a frisbee back and forth had no cost, attach 270 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:15,880 Speaker 2: serial cost whatsoever. So I honestly, I hope that some churches, 271 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 2: some people in their churches can be inspired to try 272 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:22,080 Speaker 2: to think of some of these things that they can 273 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:27,520 Speaker 2: provide venues, opportunities for young people to connect and. 274 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,800 Speaker 1: Just do whatever that is free now. And then, by 275 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,359 Speaker 1: the way, for people who are like I am not 276 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,120 Speaker 1: I'm not an ultimate frisbee kind of person or I'm 277 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,720 Speaker 1: not a you know, sporty kind of person, well, there 278 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: were a few people in that group that weren't either, 279 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,639 Speaker 1: and they were like, hey, I'll be the water gal, 280 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 1: you know, I'll keep score, I'll cheer you on, and 281 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: they just enjoyed being part of the group. Yeah, I 282 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:57,840 Speaker 1: mean that that's true. That's a very good example. So 283 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:02,639 Speaker 1: switching over to the reason that's related to sort of 284 00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:10,320 Speaker 1: money finances is also career. Several of the folks that 285 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 1: we talked to, and certainly it came out in the 286 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:18,199 Speaker 1: IFS study, said that people also held back on dating, 287 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,239 Speaker 1: not just because they're worried about the you know, the 288 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 1: cost of whether they can afford these big dates, but 289 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,840 Speaker 1: also because they're kind of just focused on building their 290 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,440 Speaker 1: career to begin with and trying to move up the ladder. 291 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,399 Speaker 2: In some I remember when we did our research on 292 00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 2: money in the Power of Money and what we time 293 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 2: oftentimes get you know kind of you know, we make 294 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 2: mistakes or we're misinterpreting particular things. Was that a number 295 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 2: of singles said, Look, I don't want to saddle someone 296 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 2: that I'm in a relationship wanting to be in a relationship, 297 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,879 Speaker 2: yeap with my student debt. I need to address that 298 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,399 Speaker 2: first and get rid of it. And while that's honorable, 299 00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:05,840 Speaker 2: it may not be the thing that God, you know, you, 300 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 2: he may be asking. 301 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,360 Speaker 1: Both of you to take it on. 302 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:15,080 Speaker 2: And sacrifice and whatever that looks like. We we oftentimes, 303 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 2: I think, have such an idea that we can schedule 304 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:22,240 Speaker 2: our lives, that we can get this done and then 305 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:27,280 Speaker 2: and then this opportunity and unfortunately, meeting the right person 306 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:30,800 Speaker 2: or putting yourself in a position to cross paths with 307 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:35,160 Speaker 2: the right person oftentimes just can't be scheduled. And quite frankly, 308 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 2: for those of us who are followers of Jesus and 309 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:41,399 Speaker 2: believe that he can direct our paths, then being a 310 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:46,240 Speaker 2: bit less focused on the life schedule plan might provide 311 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,760 Speaker 2: for more opportunities for the unexpected to occur, and then 312 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 2: trusting him once that unexpected has occurred, that he's helping 313 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,160 Speaker 2: and directing your path from that point on. I think 314 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 2: of ourselves if I had taken this approach. 315 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,240 Speaker 1: Of trying to focus on your career. 316 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,840 Speaker 2: First and until we had all of our our student 317 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,000 Speaker 2: debt one hundred some of you have heard one hundred 318 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,480 Speaker 2: and thirty five thousand dollars. This is in nineteen ninety four, 319 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,720 Speaker 2: one hundred and thirty five thousand dollars of student loan 320 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,919 Speaker 2: debt between the two between the two of us, And 321 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,639 Speaker 2: if we were going to wait until that was knocked 322 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 2: down to a very manageable amount, we'd have been waiting 323 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,639 Speaker 2: a whole long time, and we would have missed the 324 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:39,440 Speaker 2: opportunities of sacrificing things together and of learning one another. 325 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 2: And so that's the part for me, is the hope 326 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 2: that for some of the people who are really really 327 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,560 Speaker 2: they've they've worked hard, they've done all the right things, 328 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:54,320 Speaker 2: and they have a plan that sometimes that plan needs 329 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:57,280 Speaker 2: to be held with open hands and says, okay, Lord, 330 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,640 Speaker 2: I might plan my way, but you direct my steps. 331 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: Yeah. One of the things that they found in the 332 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 1: IFS study is that your idea for when is the 333 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,520 Speaker 1: ideal time to be married? You know, what's the ideal 334 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: time to be married is about five years out, huh 335 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,879 Speaker 1: and so, and it was a little bit different depending 336 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,760 Speaker 1: on the age. But like people who were twenty two, 337 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: they thought the ideal time to be married was twenty 338 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,119 Speaker 1: seven twenty eight years old. Right, so I got time, 339 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,679 Speaker 1: I can focus on my career, I can focus on 340 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,680 Speaker 1: all the long hours I need to put in. And 341 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,400 Speaker 1: then the people who were twenty seven thought the ideal 342 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:39,400 Speaker 1: time to get married was, you know, thirty two thirty three. Interesting, 343 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: and same thing. If you're thirty, the ideal time was 344 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,159 Speaker 1: thirty five thirty six. And some of that is just 345 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 1: self protection, because you know, you don't want to say, well, 346 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:51,520 Speaker 1: the ideal time was two years ago, because that doesn't 347 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,600 Speaker 1: feel so good. But it also gives you a little 348 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 1: bit of a false sense of I can focus on 349 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 1: something else and not focus on something that is just 350 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:06,240 Speaker 1: as important. And so if we are going to be 351 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,400 Speaker 1: talking about, like what do we do with this, what's 352 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:12,440 Speaker 1: the hope, what's the sort of suggestion for the people 353 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: who are listening, or for the parents to suggest to 354 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,760 Speaker 1: their adult kids or whatever it's I think one of 355 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:25,280 Speaker 1: the things here is just to recognize that we probably 356 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:30,080 Speaker 1: need to give attention just as much to our personal 357 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 1: life and to finding the right person as we do 358 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 1: to our professional life and whatever career we're trying to build. 359 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:45,159 Speaker 1: I'm thinking of someone who I met years ago and 360 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,199 Speaker 1: met again recently, probably ten years ago, who was a 361 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:55,360 Speaker 1: woman that was a rising star executive running this huge 362 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,639 Speaker 1: campaign for a company and a product line that everybody 363 00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,960 Speaker 1: would have heard of if I said it, and she 364 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,879 Speaker 1: was talking about how lonely she was, and she was 365 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: probably at the time about twenty eight twenty nine years old, 366 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,159 Speaker 1: and she was talking about how she just never had 367 00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: time to meet people or go out on dates and 368 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: her church, their singles group was on Sunday nights, and 369 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 1: I said, well, you know, do you go to that? 370 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,000 Speaker 1: And she said, well no, because I always have to 371 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 1: fly out on Sunday night to the client side and 372 00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,679 Speaker 1: you know whatever, and so that I'm there for early 373 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:41,439 Speaker 1: Monday morning. And I said, and she didn't initially like 374 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,359 Speaker 1: hearing this, but she took it eventually. I said, well 375 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 1: that's an example of Okay, maybe you can find a 376 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,760 Speaker 1: different church. She's, oh, no, I love my church. And 377 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:54,440 Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, well that may be something where you 378 00:23:54,840 --> 00:24:00,200 Speaker 1: have to think through whether the trade off is you're 379 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:04,399 Speaker 1: making is worth it. And maybe you don't know, maybe 380 00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,560 Speaker 1: somebody at your job if you say I can't fly 381 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,119 Speaker 1: out on Sundays anymore, I have to fly out Monday morning, 382 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,880 Speaker 1: that maybe it's worth it in order to be part 383 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: of the singles group and meet people and go out 384 00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,720 Speaker 1: to dinner and have the chance for friendships. I ran 385 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:21,720 Speaker 1: into her about ten years later, So that was about 386 00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,760 Speaker 1: ten years ago. I ran in her not long ago, 387 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,479 Speaker 1: and she is now in her late thirties, still single, 388 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:33,520 Speaker 1: with a high flying career, just absolutely wonderful and lonely, 389 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:37,200 Speaker 1: and so I do think that that's something that some people, 390 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,440 Speaker 1: maybe not a lot of people, but some people probably 391 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 1: need to grapple with what's the priority. Okay, So reason 392 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,840 Speaker 1: number five, this is a big one. This is where 393 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:55,120 Speaker 1: we're gonna end today. And the reason number five that 394 00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:59,439 Speaker 1: the IFS study found for the dating recession is that 395 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: dating resilience is low. After someone has a bad dating experience, 396 00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 1: they are more they are much more likely to just 397 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: bow out. More than half of the survey takers, it 398 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:13,880 Speaker 1: was about fifty five percent of the survey takers said 399 00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 1: that if they had a bad date, if some they 400 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,320 Speaker 1: felt like somebody had rejected them, there was a bit 401 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:22,000 Speaker 1: of a breakup, it made them much more reluctant to 402 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,680 Speaker 1: be willing to put themselves out there and see about 403 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: new dates. 404 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,400 Speaker 2: You know, this, this one really hits close to home. 405 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:35,359 Speaker 2: There were guys, you know, in my teenage early twenties 406 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:40,560 Speaker 2: years while I was single, that I was amazed at 407 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 2: their resilience. They viewed dating oftentimes they weren't necessarily believers, 408 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 2: but viewed it as a numbers game. And you know what, 409 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,960 Speaker 2: I'm going to get a lot of no's, but I'm 410 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:55,879 Speaker 2: going to keep asking. Yeah, And I was like I 411 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,119 Speaker 2: see them do that, and ultimately they go out on 412 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 2: dates and they seem to have good times, and I 413 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:07,960 Speaker 2: was unable to do that. The no getting that just 414 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:12,879 Speaker 2: struck so deeply in my insecurities and who I was 415 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,920 Speaker 2: that you know, I had the tendency to bow out 416 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,800 Speaker 2: for lengths of time. 417 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,200 Speaker 1: So you would have been one of the people who 418 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,720 Speaker 1: was causing the dating recession. Oh my god, you took 419 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:30,800 Speaker 1: yourself out of circulation. So absolutely, and okay, so interestingly, 420 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 1: So just to show the numbers a little bit more, 421 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: only twenty eight percent of the population on this survey 422 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 1: said that they were able to stay positive and keep 423 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:47,080 Speaker 1: going after that kind of a setback. So only twenty 424 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: eight percent had that sort of sense of resilience. But 425 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:55,399 Speaker 1: that means seventy two percent generally don't. And I see 426 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,480 Speaker 1: that again, he wouldn't mind us mentioning it. He gave 427 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 1: us permission. I see that in our son where he 428 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,000 Speaker 1: had said, like, for example, you know, one of the 429 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,840 Speaker 1: things on dating apps is it sometimes hey, let's meet 430 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:10,600 Speaker 1: up on Saturday for lunch, and then you get a 431 00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,639 Speaker 1: text two hours before I'm kind of busy, yeah, you know, 432 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 1: and you feel like, oh great, you know. 433 00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:20,199 Speaker 2: Or they stood up, or you try and confirm and 434 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:21,200 Speaker 2: you're ghosted. 435 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:25,160 Speaker 1: And you're ghosted. That's even more common ghosting. And that 436 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,880 Speaker 1: makes I know, it makes Luke more reluctant to put 437 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:34,200 Speaker 1: himself out there. And so I guess the question. And 438 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,480 Speaker 1: oh wait, another number that I thought was incredibly important 439 00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,439 Speaker 1: is that a third of the people surveyed said that 440 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,919 Speaker 1: they actually try to protect themselves by ending new relationships 441 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:50,880 Speaker 1: too quickly to avoid the possible pain that we might 442 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:56,960 Speaker 1: break up. So they're prohibiting themselves from going any further. 443 00:27:57,040 --> 00:27:59,920 Speaker 1: And this wasn't just this was men and women. There 444 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,800 Speaker 1: weren't a whole lot of differences. But from what is 445 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:09,040 Speaker 1: the hope perspective of this, how do people build that 446 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:14,320 Speaker 1: sense of resilience? And I'm curious what you're gosh. 447 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 2: I mean, you know, folks are going to hate that. 448 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:23,000 Speaker 2: I say this because if you've felt that sort of 449 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:29,960 Speaker 2: that burning feeling of rejection, you don't want to experience 450 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:35,160 Speaker 2: that again. But the truth of the matter is all 451 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 2: of life, we're going to experience disappointments. And one of 452 00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,480 Speaker 2: the things is you find as you kind of work 453 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,480 Speaker 2: through that disappointment is well, I guess it didn't kill me. 454 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,680 Speaker 2: Maybe I can try it again. And as you experience 455 00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 2: things that were maybe much more painful the first time 456 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 2: that you experienced them, on the fifth or seventh or 457 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:06,720 Speaker 2: tenth time, it feels a little more. It's manageable. It's 458 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:12,760 Speaker 2: never fun, it never gets necessarily easy. But you know, 459 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,680 Speaker 2: you have to be able to build that not a 460 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,719 Speaker 2: hard shell, but you have to be able to build 461 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:24,960 Speaker 2: that muscle so to speak, that goes. Okay, that was uncomfortable, 462 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:26,920 Speaker 2: but I can tolerate it. 463 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:31,720 Speaker 1: Yes, for a good end. It's because it's worth it. 464 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,480 Speaker 1: It's a world that it is worth it. 465 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:35,200 Speaker 2: It is worth it. 466 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,360 Speaker 1: Okay. So here's a question for you. So one of 467 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 1: the studies years and years ago that was done about 468 00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,880 Speaker 1: how the process that people went through when they had 469 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:53,440 Speaker 1: a best selling book or a very popular movie or whatever. 470 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,480 Speaker 1: They had created something very creative and it became a 471 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 1: bestseller as opposed to the thousands of a that didn't. 472 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: And they they looked at this and this study was 473 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: like in the eighties or nineties. This was years and 474 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,320 Speaker 1: years and years ago, but it stuck with me because 475 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:15,160 Speaker 1: they what they found was that one of the key factors, 476 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,920 Speaker 1: one of the most important factors was the same one 477 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:21,840 Speaker 1: of the same most important factors that they found with 478 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:27,400 Speaker 1: baseball players and the likelihood that a baseball player would 479 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:30,720 Speaker 1: get a hit, And it was entirely based on the 480 00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,720 Speaker 1: number of at beats. Yeah, it was the entirely based 481 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,720 Speaker 1: on the number of times you step up and took 482 00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:38,880 Speaker 1: a swing. And so with like an author, how many 483 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,480 Speaker 1: books you put out is directly related to how many 484 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 1: bestsellers you might have. 485 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,920 Speaker 2: So Dolly Parton in an interview I heard once said, 486 00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:50,520 Speaker 2: you know, I've written I think it was over five 487 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:55,720 Speaker 2: thousand songs, two four thousand, nine hundred of them are terrible, 488 00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 2: but one hundred of them were pretty good, pretty darn 489 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:04,000 Speaker 2: good and made an impact. And it's it is that 490 00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:08,040 Speaker 2: that that thing that you were just describing with baseball players, 491 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 2: you gotta get in the game. 492 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,080 Speaker 1: Well, and here's the thing that again, since we're talking 493 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,080 Speaker 1: about what do you do? What's the hope? How does 494 00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:15,720 Speaker 1: it work? 495 00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:16,560 Speaker 2: Is? 496 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:19,320 Speaker 1: I think what you have to do is tell yourself 497 00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:23,840 Speaker 1: when you start this, Okay, a baseball player, even the 498 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 1: best baseball player, knows that they're probably going to get 499 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: a hit. What about a third of the time, fish right, 500 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,320 Speaker 1: And so that and that's the really really good ones. 501 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:40,400 Speaker 1: So they go up expecting that, you know, hopefully I'll 502 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,120 Speaker 1: get a hit. But if it doesn't, that's okay, I'll 503 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,120 Speaker 1: try it again, and I'll try it again. And it's 504 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 1: kind of that same set of expectations. Yeah, in the 505 00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,280 Speaker 1: dating I think that's great space. There's one thing that 506 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,440 Speaker 1: one of the young women that we sort of reached 507 00:31:57,480 --> 00:32:00,320 Speaker 1: out to for some thoughts, something that she said that 508 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,800 Speaker 1: I think is really important here that we do probably 509 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,320 Speaker 1: need to mention. And this is I think skills development. 510 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: It's back to what we talked about in part one, 511 00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,920 Speaker 1: that a lot of people feel like they're just lacking 512 00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:17,440 Speaker 1: the skills that are needed. And she said, I feel 513 00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:22,680 Speaker 1: like women need to learn how to gracefully turn guys down. 514 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 2: That is so true. 515 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,360 Speaker 1: So because it really hit both of us well, she said. 516 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,120 Speaker 2: That the bottom line is you're not going to be 517 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:38,800 Speaker 2: attracted whatever attractiveness is, You're not going to be attracted 518 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:39,480 Speaker 2: to everyone. 519 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: Nope. 520 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 2: And so in those cases, I was actually sharing this 521 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 2: with a colleague, that little bit of information about Yeah, 522 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:51,880 Speaker 2: and you know this colleague, I could tell that when 523 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:56,959 Speaker 2: she was, you know, a high schooler, she was a cheerleader, 524 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 2: all of those things, the physical attractiveness, all of those 525 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,760 Speaker 2: were working in her favor. And you know, she said that, 526 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 2: you know, I just wasn't attracted or I knew it 527 00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 2: wasn't going to go anywhere, but when someone came up, 528 00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:14,280 Speaker 2: I always wanted to go. That is so flattering that 529 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,480 Speaker 2: you would think of me that way. I'll just be 530 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,320 Speaker 2: clear with you. I want to be clear with you. 531 00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:22,320 Speaker 2: I don't think of you in that way. But I'm 532 00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:27,560 Speaker 2: so appreciating. Wow, you willing to take that effort and 533 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:31,280 Speaker 2: to tell me, but I know that there's someone for you. 534 00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:35,080 Speaker 2: It's it's just not me in that particular way that 535 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 2: you're wanting it to be. 536 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:40,560 Speaker 1: Wow. That is a graceful, isn't it? Way of addressing 537 00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:41,520 Speaker 1: it is? 538 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 2: It takes It takes the guy that he actually feels like. Well, 539 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,760 Speaker 2: I just paid her a compliment and she appreciated that. 540 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,680 Speaker 2: I would have liked her to say yes, but she didn't. 541 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 2: But she also affirmed me that I'm a good guy 542 00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,120 Speaker 2: and that you know, there. 543 00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:02,480 Speaker 1: Is somebody somebody out there. Wow. Okay, So I hope 544 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:07,080 Speaker 1: everybody rewinds and who is a single young woman who 545 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,399 Speaker 1: rewinds and listens to that again? Because I think that 546 00:34:09,400 --> 00:34:13,919 Speaker 1: that's there's something important there as as an example, one 547 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:17,040 Speaker 1: example of one of the skills. So we should wrap 548 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:23,040 Speaker 1: this up, and we always want to leave with. 549 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:24,920 Speaker 2: Kind of the one thing, you know, if you're going 550 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:29,400 Speaker 2: to remember one thing. So I think in this case 551 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:34,040 Speaker 2: it's that there's good news and challenging news. The good 552 00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,720 Speaker 2: news is there's a lot of desire for dating relationship 553 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 2: that leads to marriage. But the challenge is there's a 554 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:46,359 Speaker 2: lack of skill to get there. But skills can be taught. Yeah, 555 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 2: you know, these aren't things that you know just because 556 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:55,040 Speaker 2: you weren't innately born with maybe physical attractiveness or these 557 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,880 Speaker 2: other things that we think are such necessary qualities. Skills 558 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:01,000 Speaker 2: can be learned. 559 00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:03,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, and you can build the confidence because you have 560 00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 1: the skills. So we said in part one we are 561 00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:11,399 Speaker 1: trying to figure out what to do next with this 562 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:16,040 Speaker 1: because this was a very very important study that brought 563 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:20,000 Speaker 1: up something that's very close to our heart of getting 564 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,279 Speaker 1: people not just helping people who are already married, but 565 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:27,440 Speaker 1: getting people into good marriages. And so we've been pondering 566 00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,759 Speaker 1: whether we can be a part of helping people to 567 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:34,520 Speaker 1: build those skills. So if you're interested, in hearing about 568 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,200 Speaker 1: or being a part of whatever we do, which we 569 00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:39,400 Speaker 1: don't know what it will be. It could be live events, 570 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,839 Speaker 1: it could be a cohort that we walk people through 571 00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:43,400 Speaker 1: skills building, whatever it is. 572 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,600 Speaker 2: This is how we start every sort of research, every 573 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,520 Speaker 2: sort of we don't know, We don't know. 574 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: Yes, but if you're interested in hearing about this, if 575 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,040 Speaker 1: you're interested in potentially being a part of what we do, 576 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,440 Speaker 1: email us at web contact at shanty dot com. We'll 577 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:01,320 Speaker 1: put you on our list and you'll be notified once 578 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,839 Speaker 1: we figure out what we're going to do. So that's 579 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:05,640 Speaker 1: web contact at Shanty dock. 580 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:07,680 Speaker 2: Well, and we'd also if you email us. 581 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:08,600 Speaker 1: I mean, if you've. 582 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:11,759 Speaker 2: Got ideas, oh please, yes, you know, share those like 583 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,880 Speaker 2: this is what I've seen with the young people that 584 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:18,799 Speaker 2: I engage with or I'm a young person. 585 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,239 Speaker 1: And I would love it if you would do this 586 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:24,040 Speaker 1: to help me exactly. Yes, So thanks for listening to 587 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:26,319 Speaker 1: this episode of I Wish you could hear this. If 588 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:30,319 Speaker 1: you're not a subscriber to our podcast, please subscribe now. 589 00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:33,160 Speaker 1: And if you know others who might benefit from this 590 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:36,760 Speaker 1: particular conversation, both part one and Part two, please share 591 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:39,920 Speaker 1: today's episode and the prior episode and tag us on 592 00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:45,000 Speaker 1: all your social media channels. Thanks for listening to I 593 00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:48,440 Speaker 1: Wish you could hear this. Remember to subscribe to our podcast, 594 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 1: and as always, forward today's audio or video link to 595 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:58,920 Speaker 1: a friend, counselor, or pastor who would be encouraged. 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