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Speaker 1: Life Audio.

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Speaker 2: You are listening to The Beckett Cook Show with your host,

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Speaker 2: Beckett Cook. For more information about Beckett and his ministry,

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Speaker 2: visit his website at beckettcook.com. To help support the podcast,

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Speaker 2: visit patreon.com slash thebeckettcookshow. Please consider subscribing to the podcast

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Speaker 2: and leaving a five-star rating.

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Speaker 3: Hey guys, welcome to the show today. My guest is

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Speaker 3: Richard Matthews and I first discovered him probably a year

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Speaker 3: ago when a TikTok video of his went viral and

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Speaker 3: he had a job in New York City and got

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Speaker 3: fired basically for being a Christian because he was posting

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Speaker 3: videos about being a Christian. He also, God rescued him

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Speaker 3: out of homosexuality and he has a fascinating story. But

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Speaker 3: first a word from our sponsor. Here is the viral video.

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Speaker 3: I'm going to play it for you. And then we're

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Speaker 3: going to talk to Richard.

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Speaker 1: So I just got fired from my job for my

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Speaker 1: social media. And this is where I worked. And like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not crying or upset or mad. I'm just like, like,

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Speaker 1: this is, this is wild. And this is expected. And

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Speaker 1: There's nothing that I talk about on my social media

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Speaker 1: except for Jesus. And so obviously that has to be

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Speaker 1: the only reason. Now, they talked about me recording some

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Speaker 1: things in conference rooms. And my mindset was, this is

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Speaker 1: a big place. It's not that serious. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: really try to not have the logo be in anything.

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Speaker 1: They said the logo was in one of my videos.

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Speaker 1: I don't recall. But they said in general, overall, it's

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Speaker 1: against their social media policies. Um, which is very interesting.

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Speaker 1: I know places and occupations and jobs, they have people,

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Speaker 1: you know, take videos, like if there's like educational purposes,

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Speaker 1: but obviously don't have kids there or whatever. This only

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Speaker 1: happens when you stand in truth. And here's what I'm

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Speaker 1: going to do. I know the Lord is going to

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Speaker 1: provide for me, but I just wanted to let y'all know.

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Speaker 1: This is what happens when you love Jesus. And I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to stop loving Jesus. And I'm going to

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Speaker 1: bless them. And I hope they do well. But this

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Speaker 1: means that my time here is up. And there's something

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Speaker 1: else that the Lord needs me to do. So keep

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Speaker 1: me in your prayers. Love y'all.

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Speaker 4: Yes, it's dangerous out there to be Christian.

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Speaker 3: So please welcome Richard Matthews.

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Speaker 1: Hi, Beckett. Thank you so much for having me. And

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Speaker 1: that's crazy that you played that video. That's like two

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Speaker 1: years ago now. Okay.

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Speaker 4: I didn't know if it was, I thought it was

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Speaker 4: a year ago, but you know.

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Speaker 1: Oh, a year ago. What's math? You're the mathematician.

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Speaker 4: Well, the days are long and the years are short.

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Speaker 3: This is what happens when you, the older you get,

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Speaker 3: life just goes like 20 years go by in two seconds.

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Speaker 1: And I almost feel like, what's the scripture? Like a

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Speaker 1: thousand years is like a day to the Lord. Like

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Speaker 1: so much can happen. I know.

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Speaker 4: I know, right?

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Speaker 3: So talk about that video and why, what happened? Why

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Speaker 3: did you get fired exactly? And what happened? What were

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Speaker 3: you posting? And what was going on at that time

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Speaker 3: in your life?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, so this job was really great because

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Speaker 1: I actually have been transitioning to find new work. So

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is great. I'm just going to

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Speaker 1: steward this and be faithful. But I always just kept

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Speaker 1: telling people about Jesus. I was just not unashamed about like, hey,

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Speaker 1: like I'm a Christian. But I wasn't being like weird

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Speaker 1: or like condemning or anything. But sometimes I would use

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Speaker 1: the office spaces to make videos. And all of it

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Speaker 1: was just, you know, talking about Jesus. Some of it

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Speaker 1: a little silly, a little positive, you know. But I

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Speaker 1: would just talk about my experience. And the social media,

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Speaker 1: I guess someone saw it. It was a familiar room.

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Speaker 1: I was trying to be so focused not to use

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Speaker 1: any logo. I was like, I don't want any logo.

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Speaker 1: I don't want any branding because I don't want to

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Speaker 1: get in trouble. I was trying to be very intentional.

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Speaker 1: But it's crazy. The day that they brought me in,

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Speaker 1: I heard from the Lord. He was like, first, I

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Speaker 1: need you to fast. And I was like, why am

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Speaker 1: I fasting today? He told me three times. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, all right, I'll fast. I'll prepare. And then

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Speaker 1: they brought me in and they said, hey, this is

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Speaker 1: a violation of our social media policy. And it was

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Speaker 1: just really strange because They didn't give me a warning.

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Speaker 1: They didn't give me a write-up. There was no reprimand.

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Speaker 1: It was like this immediate dismissal. And what's crazy, well,

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Speaker 1: not what's crazy. It was during June. So it was

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Speaker 1: during Pride Month, Pride Month. It was during June. And

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Speaker 1: I had just been very vocal, especially because of June.

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Speaker 1: I was like, hey, this is my testimony. I came

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Speaker 1: out of this lifestyle. Some of these videos, I'm walking

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Speaker 1: on the street and talking. And I'm just sharing what

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Speaker 1: the Lord has been doing with me. And, and I

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Speaker 1: guess they didn't like that. And so I was immediately,

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Speaker 1: I was fired. And then like, I had to be

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Speaker 1: escorted out the building. There were, I was like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna crash out. I mean, but like, I was,

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Speaker 1: I was shocked and I was really stunned. But then

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Speaker 1: I also felt like, oh, like the Lord was giving

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Speaker 1: me a heads up. And of course this makes sense

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Speaker 1: with everything going on and the way corporate is. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, I'm glad that I'm fired for the Lord.

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Speaker 1: I know it's a weird thing, but I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: like being a Christian is for real. Following Jesus is

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Speaker 1: for real. Because if this was another religion, this would

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Speaker 1: not have happened. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And I'll just remind you, and I'm sure you know this,

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Speaker 3: but in Matthew, when Jesus says, blessed are, because your

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Speaker 3: reward is great in heaven. Blessed are those who are

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Speaker 3: persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

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Speaker 3: Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you

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Speaker 3: or fire you from your job and utter all kinds

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Speaker 3: of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and

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Speaker 3: be glad for your reward is great in heaven. For

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Speaker 3: so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

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Speaker 4: So you're in good company. And okay.

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Speaker 3: So, uh, that is the craziest thing. And because when I,

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Speaker 3: when I first got saved, this was back in 2009.

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Speaker 3: So it was kind of a different, different time period, different, uh,

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Speaker 3: you know, zeitgeist, but, um, When I got saved, I

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Speaker 3: was so vocal on the set of every shoot. I

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Speaker 3: would just tell everyone about Jesus. And I always thought

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm gonna get a call from my agents

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Speaker 3: and they're gonna fire me like any day now.

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Speaker 4: And it never happened.

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Speaker 3: From 2009 to 2019 for 10 years, God like kind

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Speaker 3: of protected me from getting fired, from getting dropped from

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Speaker 3: my agency. But then once my book came out, A

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Speaker 3: Change of Affection, once that came out, that's when everything

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Speaker 3: hit the fan. That's when I got dropped from my agency.

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Speaker 3: I got all my friends dropped, like my old friends,

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Speaker 3: who I was still trying to keep a semi-decent relationship with.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't really hanging out with them, but they all

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Speaker 3: completely cut me off once my book came out.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. So what, what did you do?

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Speaker 3: I mean, we'll get, we'll get to your, the first

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Speaker 3: part of your story in a minute, but what did

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Speaker 3: you do right after that? Like, how did you recover from,

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Speaker 3: from not having a job in the New York city?

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So, I mean, like immediately after I was like,

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Speaker 1: I just want to tell people like authentically what happens.

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Speaker 1: And I think, um, as my platform has grown, there's

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Speaker 1: been a few or a lot of viral videos on

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Speaker 1: TikTok and Instagram that have happened because I've just been

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Speaker 1: so transparent. There's power in transparency and authenticity for those

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Speaker 1: who are even listening. So I just feel like I

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Speaker 1: immediately wanted to share that this is a real thing.

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Speaker 1: And then what was interesting was that earlier that day,

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Speaker 1: I had been wrestling with the Lord whether to do

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Speaker 1: YouTube and start a podcast. Because I was like, I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be in front of the camera. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to keep talking like this imposter syndrome. But

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Speaker 1: what if I mess up and stuff like that? And

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Speaker 1: the Lord kept putting it on my heart. So literally

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Speaker 1: that day, I filed everything to open up my podcast

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Speaker 1: on my YouTube, which is called Redemption Ministries now. And

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Speaker 1: it's growing. It's getting into an official nonprofit. And I

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Speaker 1: had like just literally just started out on my lunch break.

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Speaker 1: I like press published and everything. And immediately as I

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Speaker 1: come back, that happens. And so like the Lord has

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Speaker 1: just been shifting me and accelerating me and projecting me

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Speaker 1: into just continuing to share my testimony and continuing to

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Speaker 1: be encouragement for those, whether those are prodigals or people

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Speaker 1: who are struggling with same-sex attraction, people who are far

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Speaker 1: off and rebellious or even parents. I've been able to

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Speaker 1: be on a few different other podcasts, television shows. I

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Speaker 1: went on the 700 Club as well. I know you

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Speaker 1: were there as well. And I've just been diving in

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Speaker 1: with the word, trying to study to show myself approved

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Speaker 1: and continue to be just in relationship and good community

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Speaker 1: with my church. That is something that I can also say.

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Speaker 1: My church has been such a beautiful place. Shout out

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Speaker 1: to V1 Church in New York City to really be

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Speaker 1: a shield around me because they are the people who

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Speaker 1: see you for who you are. And discipleship is so important,

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Speaker 1: as well as intimacy with the Lord. So, you know,

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Speaker 1: things have been happening. And yeah, I think that answers

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Speaker 1: your question. So that's kind of what I'm doing now.

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Speaker 1: I'm still sharing.

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Speaker 4: We'll be right back after this short break.

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Speaker 3: Now, did you leave New York City or did you

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Speaker 3: stay there?

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Speaker 1: I stayed there.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Um, I have been in New York. I moved

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Speaker 1: here at the end of 2019. And so I've been

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Speaker 1: here since 2019. And even though I got fired, I mean,

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Speaker 1: there's a temptation of like, so I'm originally from Georgia

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Speaker 1: and we'll get into that in a moment, but you know,

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Speaker 1: there's a temptation. I'm like, what should I do? Should

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Speaker 1: I just go back? Should I run away? Should I

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Speaker 1: start over? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like I

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Speaker 1: stayed and I trusted the Lord and I felt safe, um,

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Speaker 1: to continue to just be vocal about my story.

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Speaker 4: Nice.

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Speaker 1: Nice.

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Speaker 3: Um, I love New York, but I haven't been in

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Speaker 3: a while, but okay. So let's go back to Georgia.

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Speaker 3: Let's go back to your childhood. What was it like

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Speaker 3: growing up? How, what were your parents like with you?

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Speaker 3: How many kids in the family?

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So I feel like as I've over the years,

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Speaker 1: I've learned more information about my family, which I think

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Speaker 1: is so important for people. So I grew up in

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Speaker 1: a single parent household. So immediately as I was born,

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Speaker 1: my mom and my father were getting a divorce and

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Speaker 1: And there was tension there and conflict with finances, with infidelity.

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Speaker 1: And as soon as I was born, my father and

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Speaker 1: my mother, they lost the house they were in. So

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Speaker 1: this was a big traumatic situation. My mom ended up

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Speaker 1: having to move in with her older sister for a

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Speaker 1: time in Georgia. Now, my mom and all of her

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Speaker 1: sisters are originally from Tennessee. So I'm like a Southern boy.

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Speaker 1: by nature I'm not a New Yorker very nice people

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Speaker 1: look at me and they're like oh you're really nice

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Speaker 1: you say hello so like I'm just you're just very

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Speaker 1: you know southern sweet guy and I have an older

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Speaker 1: brother as well but me and my brother are 15

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Speaker 1: years apart and we're like in different time periods basically

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Speaker 1: and we also have two different dads and my mom

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Speaker 1: in her first marriage she also got a divorce so

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Speaker 1: my mom has been divorced twice But at the time,

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Speaker 1: my brother was still with us. So me, my brother,

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Speaker 1: my mom were living in my aunt's house. And the

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Speaker 1: earliest memory that I had about my father was that

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Speaker 1: he came over and I don't know how old I was,

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Speaker 1: maybe three, four or five. Time is a little iffy

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Speaker 1: for me. But I remember I was upstairs in my

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Speaker 1: aunt's house and me and my brother were playing. And

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Speaker 1: then my brother noticed and heard that my dad came

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Speaker 1: in and there was this yelling that ensued. And so

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Speaker 1: he told me, he was like, hey, just stay here.

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Speaker 1: I think he told me to like hide near the closet,

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Speaker 1: which is crazy now that I look back at it.

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Speaker 1: So like I'm upstairs hiding. He goes down the stairs

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Speaker 1: a little bit to kind of scope out the scene.

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Speaker 1: And I just don't go near the argument that my

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Speaker 1: mom and my dad are having. And the argument is

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Speaker 1: even over like him taking some stuff back that I

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Speaker 1: guess like they still had at the house. My father, apparently,

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Speaker 1: he was a liar. He was like a manipulative liar.

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Speaker 1: He was controlling. He stole stuff. He would steal things

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Speaker 1: from his job. He was addicted to alcohol. He was

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Speaker 1: addicted to drugs, apparently. And on top of that, there

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Speaker 1: was lust. Before my mom, he was married and he

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Speaker 1: got divorced. And then he married my mom, got divorced.

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Speaker 1: And then he married someone else after my mom and

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Speaker 1: then also got divorced. So there was this continuous repetition

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Speaker 1: of just broken covenant. And he had a lot of affairs.

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Speaker 1: He would cheat in all of his relationships. And so

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Speaker 1: there was lust and perversion and everything in there. And

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Speaker 1: I say that because as we continue going on, I

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Speaker 1: think it's important to hear different people's stories who struggle

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Speaker 1: with same-sex attraction because maybe it's not necessarily an incident

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Speaker 1: of assault because my story is a little different. Although

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Speaker 1: it was traumatic, I just still ended up growing without

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Speaker 1: him around. I still haven't really seen him face-to-face yet.

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Speaker 1: I still haven't really seen what he looks like now.

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Speaker 1: I've heard him over the phone. I've sent like a text. And,

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Speaker 1: you know, I still just never really got that relationship.

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Speaker 1: So that was kind of my childhood and my upbringing.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: And were you going to were you a church kid?

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Speaker 3: Were you was your mom taking you to church?

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Great question. So, you know, my mom grew up in Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: They went to a small town church and then moving

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Speaker 1: to Georgia. God and going to church and religion was

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Speaker 1: really important to her. So she continued to do so.

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Speaker 1: And what ended up happening is that my mom and

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Speaker 1: my aunt, her sister, they went to the same church.

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Speaker 1: And this church started out small in Georgia, but it

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Speaker 1: grew and it like exploded into this big mega church.

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Speaker 1: So if you were around this area that I grew

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Speaker 1: up in, like everyone was going to this church. And

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Speaker 1: then my mom was a singer. So she ended up

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Speaker 1: being a part of the choir at my church So

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Speaker 1: I was always at church because of choir rehearsal. And

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Speaker 1: I also feel like during that time, I just loved

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Speaker 1: just the music and I loved learning how to dance.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes the praise team would come up. We had a

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Speaker 1: dance praise team and I would look at them and

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Speaker 1: I would like, that's really cool. I can do that.

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Speaker 1: And there was these moments where huge sanctuary, I kind

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Speaker 1: of would go off and kind of wander in the

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Speaker 1: aisles a little bit. I mean, the children were kind

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Speaker 1: of just there. Um, and I, I felt, I feel

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Speaker 1: like I felt that I connected with the Lord. I

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Speaker 1: could like feel his spirit. I could feel his heart

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Speaker 1: within the worship and the music. Um, our church would

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Speaker 1: do these big productions that I started to be a

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Speaker 1: part of, like for Easter, for Christmas and things of

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Speaker 1: that nature. Um, and then my mom, I mean, she

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Speaker 1: ended up putting me both in sports and then allowing

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Speaker 1: me to do these productions at church, like at the

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Speaker 1: same time. Um, you know, I didn't have a male

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Speaker 1: figure around. So she thought, you know, she did the

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Speaker 1: best that she could. And she planned with the idea

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Speaker 1: of like, let me put him in sports, let him

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Speaker 1: be around other guys and around other male figures. And

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Speaker 1: a few of those sports teams were even connected to

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Speaker 1: my church. And I didn't, I didn't have a good time.

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Speaker 1: A lot of the sports I didn't like. I didn't

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Speaker 1: like basketball. I was really good. The sport that I

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Speaker 1: really loved was soccer. Um, but like the others, I

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm not really into, and then I also under, like, I, I,

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Speaker 1: I went through some bullying, even some weird comments, even

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Speaker 1: for those sports teams that were connected to my church. Um,

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Speaker 1: but one thing that she told me recently, she was like,

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Speaker 1: even though maybe I wasn't as like instinctually strong as

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Speaker 1: some of the others or whatever, she was like, I

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Speaker 1: would be, I would listen well. And I would execute well,

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Speaker 1: like the coaches would say, like, like I can give

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Speaker 1: a play to Richard and Richard will like, he will

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Speaker 1: run it. He will do what he's supposed to do.

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Speaker 1: And I feel like that has connected so much later

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Speaker 1: in my life. But I started doing soccer a lot more.

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Speaker 1: And this is why I would say maybe like elementary,

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Speaker 1: middle into high school, things are a little blur a

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Speaker 1: little bit for my timeline. But I was doing sports.

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Speaker 1: But then my mom was seeing me be very creative.

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Speaker 1: She's like, Richard is picking up these steps. You know,

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Speaker 1: he can sing a little bit. We even had like

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Speaker 1: movie sets would come rent out our church or rent

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Speaker 1: out some of our people as background for their sets. Right.

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Speaker 1: And so I would be in some things as a background.

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Speaker 1: And like, you know, there was this one movie that

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Speaker 1: I was in, I guess I'll say, so I was

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Speaker 1: in Fighting Temptations when I was younger. And I was

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Speaker 1: one of the little boys in the choir scene in

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Speaker 1: the beginning, you know, starring Beyonce and Kubrick and Julian,

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Speaker 1: all the things. And so I was just there on set.

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Speaker 1: I met Pastor Shirley Caesar. And it was just a

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Speaker 1: really great time. And so my mom was seeing this

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Speaker 1: like artistic thing in me. And so she wanted to

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Speaker 1: grow that and develop me. So she was thinking about

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Speaker 1: putting me into like an art school. Now I would

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Speaker 1: say the caveat or not the caveat to that was

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Speaker 1: it was just really hard growing up because the bullying

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Speaker 1: started to get increasingly worse as I got into middle school.

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Speaker 1: There were times where like they would call my mom

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Speaker 1: because like I would run away or like I would

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Speaker 1: just be just like not OK. There was this one

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Speaker 1: time I shared this before, but this is a pivotal

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Speaker 1: moment that the Holy Spirit keeps bringing back to me.

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Speaker 1: like I ran away from class from everybody and I was,

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Speaker 1: we used to have trailers sometimes outside to do classes

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Speaker 1: and I was hiding behind this trailer and like no

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Speaker 1: one was with me. A teacher found me and they

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Speaker 1: had to call her and like I was crying and

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Speaker 1: then she had to come get me. I will also

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Speaker 1: journal a lot too. And she found one of my

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Speaker 1: journals one time and it says like, why don't I

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Speaker 1: have a dad? You know, like I feel so alone.

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Speaker 1: So just being able to like, take my thoughts and

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Speaker 1: write them down. Her heart was crushed because she's just like,

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Speaker 1: this is my baby. And I'm trying to do what

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Speaker 1: I can, but there's just so much bullying. I would

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Speaker 1: get bullied for not having a father. I would get

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Speaker 1: bullied for the way that I sounded, for the way

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Speaker 1: that I moved and portrayed myself, mannerisms. And it's just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm like 7, 8, 9, 10. I have no concept

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Speaker 1: of what's going on. And at that point, around 10

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Speaker 1: and 11 years old, I hear this word gay. And

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Speaker 1: you know, at church, you would even hear things about

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Speaker 1: this word called gay. Out in the open, you would

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Speaker 1: hear this word gay. But, like, I truly didn't know

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Speaker 1: what it was. Like, why is this such a bad thing?

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Speaker 1: And I think the church, you know, just looking at

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Speaker 1: it from a bigger sense, in that time period, they

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Speaker 1: did such a bad job of this word being so taboo,

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Speaker 1: but no one would really talk about it. You know,

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Speaker 1: there would be this whispering and pointing, so-and-so is in

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Speaker 1: the choir, oh, you know, he's X, Y, and Z,

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Speaker 1: he's gay, but, like, you know, no one is talking

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Speaker 1: about it. Or so-and-so, they got a divorce because he

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00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:49,629
Speaker 1: was gay, X, Y, and Z, but no one, continued

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Speaker 1: the story and no one even brought in the Bible.

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Speaker 1: I would hear the pastor talk about what marriage looks

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Speaker 1: like between a man and a woman, but it's not

381
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,179
Speaker 1: Adam and Steve, but that's like preaching at people and

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Speaker 1: at the problem without really actually helping people to understand, one,

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Speaker 1: God and what the word of God says. So around,

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Speaker 1: I would say that time there was a lot of bullying,

385
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Speaker 1: but my mom made a decision to put me into

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Speaker 1: a performing arts school that will cultivate my gifts. And

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Speaker 1: it was a better school academically and a better school

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Speaker 1: around the environment to keep me from a lot of bullying,

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Speaker 1: to keep me from, you know, the ghetto neighborhood that

390
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Speaker 1: we were around. And so my mom was like, all right,

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Speaker 1: we're going to do that. Eventually I chose the arts

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Speaker 1: instead of soccer around. And this, I would say, My timeline. Oh, Lord,

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Speaker 1: help me. I would say I was transitioning, I think

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Speaker 1: maybe like seventh grade, seventh grade, which I think is

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Speaker 1: still a little bit of middle school about to be

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Speaker 1: in high school. Seventh to eighth grade, I chose to

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Speaker 1: just fully pursue dance because I always loved dancing. I

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Speaker 1: did a few things, like I said, and my mom

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Speaker 1: was like, all right, you sure? Because we can't do both. So,

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Speaker 1: you know, she preferred the soccer, but like, you know,

401
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Speaker 1: we're going to do the arts. And I think my

402
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,460
Speaker 1: mom had a special place for the arts because she

403
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:10,010
Speaker 1: grew up singing, but no one helped cultivate the gift

404
00:21:10,050 --> 00:21:13,570
Speaker 1: within her. She won talent shows and things like that.

405
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Speaker 1: But she was in, you know, kind of the backwater

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Speaker 1: in Tennessee. And so she really wanted to see me flourish.

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Speaker 1: So I honor her for that because she spent a

408
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Speaker 1: lot of long nights taking me to rehearsals and things

409
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Speaker 1: of that nature, paying a lot of money for me

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Speaker 1: to grow in performing arts. So, yeah, that's why I

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Speaker 1: guess I'll pause here. as far as the artistic side

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Speaker 1: of me. And then maybe I can dive more into

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Speaker 1: how I started to learn more about gay and LGBTQ

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Speaker 1: and all the things. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So before we get to that, so when you transferred

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Speaker 3: to the performing arts school, was it like a huge

417
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Speaker 3: relief to you? Kind of like, oh my gosh, these

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Speaker 3: people are not, they're like me and they're not bullying me.

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Speaker 4: And was it a great experience for you?

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Speaker 1: I don't, it was, yes, it was a phenomenal experience.

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Speaker 1: 10 out of 10, recommend. I just, I don't think

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Speaker 1: I was, I don't really think I was aware how

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Speaker 1: bad the bullying was until like I literally started to

424
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Speaker 1: come to Jesus. I was like, oh wow, this was

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Speaker 1: actually very traumatic. This was really bad. I like, like

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Speaker 1: for instance, I remember asking this one guy, I was like,

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Speaker 1: can we be friends? And he was like, yeah, we

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Speaker 1: can be friends if you tie my shoe. And then

429
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Speaker 1: like I tied his shoe and then he laughed at

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Speaker 1: me and then he like left. And I was like,

431
00:22:35,180 --> 00:22:37,130
Speaker 1: just like, I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't

432
00:22:37,170 --> 00:22:40,969
Speaker 1: know that that was like a pivotal moment. It was

433
00:22:41,010 --> 00:22:44,110
Speaker 1: a painful moment. And so I don't think like in

434
00:22:44,150 --> 00:22:47,929
Speaker 1: that time, like I was aware of how crazy it was.

435
00:22:48,390 --> 00:22:50,639
Speaker 1: I was more so focused on the present and I

436
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,139
Speaker 1: was enjoying like, wow, like I get to take, I

437
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,439
Speaker 1: get to dance constantly. And this ain't the church dance.

438
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,580
Speaker 1: We can wave a flag and we can have some

439
00:22:59,619 --> 00:23:03,880
Speaker 1: nice outfits. But we are, I'm getting trained. We're doing plies.

440
00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:07,340
Speaker 1: We're doing tendus. We're doing chenets. Like we are, we're

441
00:23:07,380 --> 00:23:09,879
Speaker 1: doing this thing, you know? So that's what I would

442
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:10,540
Speaker 1: say to answer that.

443
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 4: And so, okay.

444
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:16,500
Speaker 3: So then talk about getting into kind of understanding what

445
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,640
Speaker 3: gay meant and then how it affected you.

446
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,020
Speaker 1: Yeah. So I feel like, not I feel like, what

447
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,940
Speaker 1: happened was I ended up just looking it up on

448
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:29,260
Speaker 1: the internet and the internet had just like opened, right?

449
00:23:30,220 --> 00:23:32,860
Speaker 1: showing my age a little bit, but the internet just

450
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:37,400
Speaker 1: came on dial-up and speed. I felt like dial-up was slow.

451
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:39,690
Speaker 1: And then something happened where it was like, it just

452
00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:42,550
Speaker 1: picked up where you can click on something and it'll

453
00:23:42,570 --> 00:23:46,510
Speaker 1: load really quickly. And so I was like, what is

454
00:23:46,530 --> 00:23:48,270
Speaker 1: this gay thing? Why do we keep talking about it?

455
00:23:48,350 --> 00:23:50,540
Speaker 1: Why do we keep talking about a church? Like, what

456
00:23:50,580 --> 00:23:52,980
Speaker 1: are these weird looks that we get when something happens,

457
00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,540
Speaker 1: when we see something on the TV or whatever, like,

458
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,679
Speaker 1: what is this? And so I looked it up on

459
00:23:57,700 --> 00:24:01,520
Speaker 1: my own and I was around 10 or 11. One

460
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:04,119
Speaker 1: thing led to another. It led from a Google search.

461
00:24:04,260 --> 00:24:07,780
Speaker 1: And back then, things were not as covered as they

462
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:11,680
Speaker 1: are now. So I'm like, oh, okay, that's a little interesting. Click, click, click.

463
00:24:12,180 --> 00:24:15,510
Speaker 1: And now we're on a whole pornography site. And this

464
00:24:15,550 --> 00:24:21,250
Speaker 1: has opened up a whole world of, well, it's lust

465
00:24:21,290 --> 00:24:24,550
Speaker 1: and perversion and all the things. But I was just like,

466
00:24:24,690 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: what is this? And then my body is reacting. But

467
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:34,160
Speaker 1: we've never really had a conversation about this. We would

468
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,860
Speaker 1: have small talks with my mom about what it's like

469
00:24:36,940 --> 00:24:39,580
Speaker 1: with a man and a woman, but we never really

470
00:24:39,619 --> 00:24:43,320
Speaker 1: had a deep sex talk. I think sometimes I guess

471
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:46,070
Speaker 1: people try to lean on school to also do that

472
00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:51,650
Speaker 1: with sex education. But I feel like sex education was

473
00:24:51,730 --> 00:24:55,590
Speaker 1: not even... I saw pictures and stuff. We made some

474
00:24:55,670 --> 00:24:58,450
Speaker 1: oohs and some ahs. We were snickering, but like to

475
00:24:58,570 --> 00:25:01,230
Speaker 1: actually talk about it, I don't think we end up

476
00:25:01,350 --> 00:25:04,370
Speaker 1: in the psychology behind it and what it makes you

477
00:25:04,490 --> 00:25:06,510
Speaker 1: feel as far as like hormones and all the things

478
00:25:06,530 --> 00:25:08,950
Speaker 1: that we, I feel like the school system needs to

479
00:25:08,970 --> 00:25:10,750
Speaker 1: do a better job, but that's another podcast for another

480
00:25:10,770 --> 00:25:14,770
Speaker 1: story for another day. But like it opened up a

481
00:25:14,810 --> 00:25:18,190
Speaker 1: whole nother world and what ended up happening, I kept

482
00:25:18,230 --> 00:25:21,149
Speaker 1: going back and then I kept going back to the

483
00:25:21,210 --> 00:25:24,450
Speaker 1: men because And as I think about and reflect on it,

484
00:25:24,450 --> 00:25:29,580
Speaker 1: I read this really great book by John Eckhart that

485
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,180
Speaker 1: talks about rejection, the spirit of rejection, and how rejecting

486
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:38,700
Speaker 1: is often connected to perversion, connected to our lustful exploits,

487
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 1: the things that we don't receive. It is actually a

488
00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:46,680
Speaker 1: God-given desire that we have that is supposed to be holy.

489
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:51,020
Speaker 1: But if we don't have the right people around, if

490
00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:54,210
Speaker 1: we don't know the Lord, it leads to us wanting

491
00:25:54,270 --> 00:25:56,790
Speaker 1: to look for love in the wrong places. So I'm

492
00:25:56,830 --> 00:25:59,360
Speaker 1: looking at these men and I'm looking at men who

493
00:25:59,580 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: are very affectionate with each other. And like, I never

494
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,640
Speaker 1: really had men who are affectionate around me. I've had

495
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 1: men that laughed at me, mocked me, did all these things.

496
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,620
Speaker 1: And so like, that was the enemy twisting that for me.

497
00:26:14,020 --> 00:26:17,290
Speaker 1: And I continue to go back and just start to

498
00:26:17,350 --> 00:26:24,290
Speaker 1: just fantasize what like it's like to really have a emotional, available,

499
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,330
Speaker 1: affectionate guy in front of me that I never had

500
00:26:28,390 --> 00:26:31,909
Speaker 1: my whole life. And even though I was young, I

501
00:26:32,010 --> 00:26:35,890
Speaker 1: knew it was wrong. So much so that I learned

502
00:26:36,109 --> 00:26:41,840
Speaker 1: how to clear the history on the computer. I was like, okay,

503
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,560
Speaker 1: if I go back, this is going to go back

504
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,000
Speaker 1: to it. And if like we have like a home

505
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:48,280
Speaker 1: kind of central computer, I don't think my mom was

506
00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:50,170
Speaker 1: going on it a lot, but if she would go

507
00:26:50,310 --> 00:26:51,930
Speaker 1: on it, I was like, this doesn't make any sense.

508
00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:54,570
Speaker 1: So I was like, let me clear. I figured it

509
00:26:54,630 --> 00:26:58,540
Speaker 1: out how to do that real quick. And then I

510
00:26:58,580 --> 00:27:01,879
Speaker 1: feel like the conviction of what I've been hearing in

511
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:05,960
Speaker 1: church was setting in. And I had remember what like

512
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,139
Speaker 1: the Bible was saying. So there was this one point

513
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,340
Speaker 1: where I ended up just flat out asking my mom,

514
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 1: what does it mean to be gay? And I think

515
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: you start to pick up as I got older, me

516
00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:19,400
Speaker 1: being in a performance arts high school, people were acting differently.

517
00:27:19,859 --> 00:27:23,960
Speaker 1: People were dressing differently. People were expressing themselves differently. They

518
00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:29,149
Speaker 1: started to identify as lesbian, as gay, bi. I'm like,

519
00:27:29,170 --> 00:27:30,570
Speaker 1: what is this word? What is this word? And now

520
00:27:30,590 --> 00:27:34,130
Speaker 1: I'm looking it up. I'm Google searching. I'm on Twitter.

521
00:27:34,570 --> 00:27:40,390
Speaker 1: I'm on Tumblr. Twitter and Tumblr, horrible sites. They were

522
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:42,950
Speaker 1: not good at hiding or covering anything. I think everything

523
00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:46,429
Speaker 1: is better now, but everything was so available and accessible.

524
00:27:50,290 --> 00:27:52,830
Speaker 1: when my mom or my brother or when people, they

525
00:27:52,850 --> 00:27:57,020
Speaker 1: would look at something on TV. I think around that time, 2000,

526
00:27:57,020 --> 00:28:01,500
Speaker 1: what are we in? Seven, eight, nine, 10. You know,

527
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,980
Speaker 1: LGBTQ started to be a little bit more prominent on

528
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:08,580
Speaker 1: our screens. And I would see my mom turn or like,

529
00:28:08,619 --> 00:28:11,820
Speaker 1: you know, oh, like that's disgusting or whatever, whatever. And

530
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:16,350
Speaker 1: I'm flinching because like, well, like I am now, you know,

531
00:28:16,970 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 1: not necessarily watching porn profusely, but, having that world open

532
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,520
Speaker 1: up to me, it was seared into my conscience that

533
00:28:24,540 --> 00:28:27,870
Speaker 1: it would just replay. It would just be memory recall.

534
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,450
Speaker 1: And I also feel like even my body and my

535
00:28:30,510 --> 00:28:35,330
Speaker 1: hormones grew faster because of that. And things are happening.

536
00:28:37,130 --> 00:28:41,140
Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, things are different. What's happening with me?

537
00:28:41,180 --> 00:28:43,520
Speaker 1: What's happening with my body? But I would see this

538
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:49,030
Speaker 1: disdain toward these same-sex imageries. And like, why are we,

539
00:28:49,130 --> 00:28:50,890
Speaker 1: why are we acting like that? So I asked her,

540
00:28:50,930 --> 00:28:53,070
Speaker 1: we had a conversation. She pulled out the Bible. She

541
00:28:53,110 --> 00:28:58,270
Speaker 1: talked about the collaborative passages. She talked about Leviticus. I

542
00:28:58,310 --> 00:29:00,470
Speaker 1: think it's what, 1822. We talked about a little bit

543
00:29:00,510 --> 00:29:02,620
Speaker 1: about the New Testament and the Romans and seeing how

544
00:29:03,060 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 1: homosexuality is an abomination. Red flag. I'm like, oh no.

545
00:29:09,940 --> 00:29:13,980
Speaker 1: Homosexuality is an abomination. I took that as I am

546
00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:18,330
Speaker 1: an abomination to the Lord. Hmm. Like you see how

547
00:29:18,370 --> 00:29:21,490
Speaker 1: the enemy does that so much. I like when you

548
00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,320
Speaker 1: read the scriptures and this is why I say like

549
00:29:23,380 --> 00:29:26,440
Speaker 1: reading it and reading everything in context and knowing who

550
00:29:26,460 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 1: God is while you read is so important because it

551
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:33,990
Speaker 1: says homosexuality, the act is an abomination, but I took

552
00:29:34,030 --> 00:29:36,930
Speaker 1: it as I was an abomination to the Lord. So

553
00:29:36,970 --> 00:29:40,100
Speaker 1: what happens is this is another major reject rejection. in

554
00:29:40,140 --> 00:29:43,640
Speaker 1: my life. Not only am I in sin, not only

555
00:29:43,820 --> 00:29:47,720
Speaker 1: am I like lost and just, and I I'm now

556
00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:51,450
Speaker 1: realizing that, Oh, like God hates me, which is not

557
00:29:52,130 --> 00:29:56,440
Speaker 1: God's character. That's not the gospel. But I was warped

558
00:29:56,540 --> 00:30:00,050
Speaker 1: into thinking because this happened, because I made a mistake

559
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,830
Speaker 1: and continued to act on it instead of asking questions

560
00:30:03,890 --> 00:30:06,730
Speaker 1: and having people help me as well. I had so

561
00:30:06,770 --> 00:30:10,970
Speaker 1: much shame and condemnation and guilt that fell on me.

562
00:30:11,090 --> 00:30:14,150
Speaker 1: It was a burden every single day. And I knew

563
00:30:14,210 --> 00:30:17,590
Speaker 1: my mom, I could tell that she wasn't in agreement

564
00:30:17,650 --> 00:30:21,750
Speaker 1: with it. And as more shows happened to be published

565
00:30:21,870 --> 00:30:26,350
Speaker 1: on TV, as I continue to get stronger in performing

566
00:30:26,430 --> 00:30:30,270
Speaker 1: arts and in dance, but people continue to express themselves

567
00:30:30,450 --> 00:30:34,130
Speaker 1: more and we see now, okay, men starting to dress

568
00:30:34,570 --> 00:30:37,810
Speaker 1: as women now. We're starting to use different names. We're

569
00:30:37,830 --> 00:30:40,700
Speaker 1: starting to use different pronouns in high school. What are

570
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 1: these pronouns? All of this is continuing to increase. I knew,

571
00:30:45,580 --> 00:30:49,300
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't tell anyone. I'm not coming out.

572
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,750
Speaker 1: This is going to hurt my mom. This goes against

573
00:30:52,970 --> 00:30:57,380
Speaker 1: the Bible. This goes against God. Like, I'm just literally

574
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: going to hold everything in.

575
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:00,340
Speaker 2: Yeah.

576
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,160
Speaker 1: I just want to, I don't know if you had

577
00:31:02,200 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: any thoughts, but I just, yeah.

578
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,300
Speaker 3: So did you pursue, did you end up pursuing a

579
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,390
Speaker 3: life of homosexuality or what happened with?

580
00:31:12,390 --> 00:31:16,350
Speaker 1: Great question. So I feel like there was this tension

581
00:31:16,390 --> 00:31:18,990
Speaker 1: and this rustle as I was going through high school.

582
00:31:19,710 --> 00:31:26,740
Speaker 1: And then my senior, junior year, junior year, junior year, I, I, my,

583
00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:28,820
Speaker 1: I was all over the place. I, I did have

584
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,160
Speaker 1: a crush on a girl, but the girl was hanging

585
00:31:33,300 --> 00:31:35,920
Speaker 1: out and rumors, gossip, all the things started to be

586
00:31:35,940 --> 00:31:39,650
Speaker 1: in a relationship with a guy with two guys who

587
00:31:39,770 --> 00:31:43,070
Speaker 1: ended up being like gay. And so there was like

588
00:31:43,110 --> 00:31:46,630
Speaker 1: all this that was happening. Um, And she was, like, really,

589
00:31:46,830 --> 00:31:50,010
Speaker 1: she was beautiful. She was really popular at the school. Cool. But, like,

590
00:31:50,130 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: I knew, like, that would not be a thing for me.

591
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 1: But because that happened, I was like, is this just

592
00:31:57,220 --> 00:31:59,260
Speaker 1: a phase that I'm going through that maybe would, like,

593
00:31:59,520 --> 00:32:04,940
Speaker 1: you know, go away? But as, you know, she kind

594
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,340
Speaker 1: of was doing her thing, I ended up having a

595
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: crush on a guy. And this guy and I started talking.

596
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 1: This junior high school, he was a senior, I was

597
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 1: a junior. He ends up, you know, expressing interest, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

598
00:32:21,060 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 1: And he comes over and this is just ends up

599
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,860
Speaker 1: being like a, just a weird, crazy crush hookup situation.

600
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,270
Speaker 1: It was really bad. It was awful. Um, because it

601
00:32:32,330 --> 00:32:35,050
Speaker 1: ended up the next day that he just wanted to

602
00:32:35,090 --> 00:32:37,450
Speaker 1: get together and he didn't want to like be with me.

603
00:32:38,370 --> 00:32:44,520
Speaker 1: And I had heard enough Bible stories that, were like,

604
00:32:44,900 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 1: I love marriage. Like, I love the idea of this

605
00:32:48,140 --> 00:32:52,010
Speaker 1: happily ever after. I think I saw too many Disney

606
00:32:52,030 --> 00:32:54,910
Speaker 1: movies as well. Like my brother, I think this is

607
00:32:54,930 --> 00:32:57,370
Speaker 1: a little bit illegal, but it's okay. We don't have

608
00:32:57,390 --> 00:32:59,870
Speaker 1: VHS anymore like that. But he would take VHS tapes

609
00:33:00,370 --> 00:33:03,510
Speaker 1: and he would put all these shows on them. And

610
00:33:03,970 --> 00:33:07,990
Speaker 1: I just like Mulan, seeing Little Mermaid, all these things,

611
00:33:08,050 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 1: but also seeing Hunchback of Notre Dame. Also, a lot

612
00:33:11,180 --> 00:33:14,270
Speaker 1: of these things are also crazy, you know? lying thing.

613
00:33:14,330 --> 00:33:17,030
Speaker 1: Simba's dad just dies in the whole beginning of the movie. Crazy.

614
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 1: But I was just like, I was a romantic. I

615
00:33:20,140 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 1: was like, I want someone to be with me. I

616
00:33:22,660 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: want to have a love that lasts forever. These are

617
00:33:26,140 --> 00:33:29,900
Speaker 1: the things that we see in culture that's romanticized in

618
00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:34,770
Speaker 1: our culture, in movies and entertainment. And that time with

619
00:33:34,810 --> 00:33:40,090
Speaker 1: that boy was another rejection. And it devastated me. So

620
00:33:40,110 --> 00:33:42,850
Speaker 1: by the time I was a senior... People even would

621
00:33:42,970 --> 00:33:44,650
Speaker 1: ask me and inquire me, are you gay? Or have

622
00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:47,130
Speaker 1: you thought about this? And the answer was no. Because

623
00:33:47,190 --> 00:33:50,220
Speaker 1: I was like, I've been through enough hurt and pain

624
00:33:50,260 --> 00:33:54,840
Speaker 1: and rejection. Like, I don't have time to go through

625
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:58,300
Speaker 1: this again. And I know that I know that the

626
00:33:58,340 --> 00:34:00,459
Speaker 1: Lord doesn't actually like this. I saw it with my

627
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,800
Speaker 1: own eyes. I read the Bible. I read the scripture.

628
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 1: And so I just feel like if the Lord is

629
00:34:07,060 --> 00:34:08,820
Speaker 1: going to do something with me, if I'm going to

630
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:10,819
Speaker 1: get over this, if I'm going to get out of this,

631
00:34:11,430 --> 00:34:14,360
Speaker 1: I don't need any other craziness happening in my life.

632
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:16,980
Speaker 1: I don't need any more rejection. I don't need any

633
00:34:17,020 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 1: more pain. I'm just going to focus on school, focus

634
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:23,259
Speaker 1: on this art thing. So that's what I did. I

635
00:34:23,300 --> 00:34:27,140
Speaker 1: graduated high school and transitioned into college. And even with

636
00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:30,770
Speaker 1: your book, college is like a whole nother beast. And

637
00:34:30,810 --> 00:34:33,750
Speaker 1: it's like, it's for real. God is dead. And we're

638
00:34:33,810 --> 00:34:37,870
Speaker 1: learning about how to create, right? But we're learning from

639
00:34:38,130 --> 00:34:43,029
Speaker 1: art that is perverse and okay, we're just going to

640
00:34:43,050 --> 00:34:44,510
Speaker 1: do this art and we're just going to be naked.

641
00:34:45,050 --> 00:34:51,799
Speaker 1: Why are we naked? Just to be naked? Even though

642
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,859
Speaker 1: I was wrestling and I was wrestling with same-sex attraction,

643
00:34:55,219 --> 00:34:59,860
Speaker 1: I was like, why? We're studying Marina Abramovic.

644
00:34:59,980 --> 00:35:04,540
Speaker 4: Oh, gosh. That woman has so many demons attached to her.

645
00:35:05,390 --> 00:35:07,660
Speaker 1: Right. We're studying all these different things.

646
00:35:07,910 --> 00:35:11,419
Speaker 4: I actually saw, what's her name again?

647
00:35:12,780 --> 00:35:13,560
Speaker 1: Marina. Marina.

648
00:35:13,860 --> 00:35:17,640
Speaker 4: Marina. I actually went to her show in New York.

649
00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:20,340
Speaker 4: I think it was at MoMA. Was it at MoMA

650
00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:20,730
Speaker 4: or was it?

651
00:35:20,739 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 1: Probably. Yeah. Probably MoMA.

652
00:35:22,140 --> 00:35:22,379
Speaker 4: Yeah.

653
00:35:22,540 --> 00:35:26,009
Speaker 3: Where she was, where she sat in the, in this

654
00:35:26,090 --> 00:35:30,569
Speaker 3: huge lobby, in this huge space. And she sat there

655
00:35:30,650 --> 00:35:33,900
Speaker 3: just in a chair in a red gown and, And

656
00:35:33,940 --> 00:35:37,379
Speaker 3: people would, there was a line just like around the building, like,

657
00:35:37,780 --> 00:35:39,919
Speaker 3: and people would come and sit in front of her.

658
00:35:39,940 --> 00:35:42,140
Speaker 4: And this was her performance art, right?

659
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:42,820
Speaker 1: Right.

660
00:35:43,260 --> 00:35:45,910
Speaker 3: People would come sit down in front of her and

661
00:35:45,989 --> 00:35:48,010
Speaker 3: she would just sit there silent.

662
00:35:49,830 --> 00:35:52,969
Speaker 4: And that was it. That was the performance.

663
00:35:53,590 --> 00:35:55,290
Speaker 1: That was it.

664
00:35:55,730 --> 00:35:59,009
Speaker 4: So anyway- I actually did it. I actually went to the,

665
00:35:59,170 --> 00:35:59,590
Speaker 4: I did it.

666
00:35:59,790 --> 00:36:01,810
Speaker 3: I went up to it, sat down in front of

667
00:36:01,850 --> 00:36:03,689
Speaker 3: her and it was like the weirdest thing.

668
00:36:03,730 --> 00:36:04,549
Speaker 4: But anyway, go ahead.

669
00:36:05,430 --> 00:36:07,690
Speaker 1: I mean, compared to your book, I know you love

670
00:36:07,710 --> 00:36:09,589
Speaker 1: to go to museums and look at art and you

671
00:36:09,630 --> 00:36:13,670
Speaker 1: have moments where you could just connect and cry. And I'm, I'm,

672
00:36:13,850 --> 00:36:15,990
Speaker 1: I'm that way. I like, I need something that moves,

673
00:36:16,030 --> 00:36:18,930
Speaker 1: you know, and we're learning all of this interesting ways

674
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:21,379
Speaker 1: of doing art. And I'm like, I'm not rocking with this.

675
00:36:21,420 --> 00:36:23,859
Speaker 1: Like I want to reach to the heavens. I don't

676
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:25,969
Speaker 1: want to sit at a chair and, for people to, like,

677
00:36:25,989 --> 00:36:27,989
Speaker 1: stare at me and poke at me. Like, I want

678
00:36:28,030 --> 00:36:31,790
Speaker 1: to turn, you know? And our curriculum at the university,

679
00:36:32,030 --> 00:36:34,569
Speaker 1: at my university that I was going to, was, like,

680
00:36:34,650 --> 00:36:40,259
Speaker 1: changing into these things. And it was very, what's the

681
00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:44,379
Speaker 1: word that I'm looking for? Just very progressive in all

682
00:36:44,420 --> 00:36:48,540
Speaker 1: of the things. I also had a creative writing minor.

683
00:36:49,100 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 1: So I'm learning things about authors and poets and things

684
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:57,930
Speaker 1: like that and philosophers and God is dead, nihilism, there

685
00:36:57,989 --> 00:37:03,300
Speaker 1: is no God, all these things. Meanwhile, Beckett, every dance

686
00:37:03,340 --> 00:37:06,760
Speaker 1: that I make is about the Lord. I kid you not.

687
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:11,799
Speaker 1: I'm choreographing to gospel. And it's just like the piece

688
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,880
Speaker 1: before me, we're doing things, we're taking off some clothes,

689
00:37:15,060 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. And now we are coming in

690
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 1: and we're doing leaps and turns to gospel music. And

691
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,029
Speaker 1: no one really questioned it. And I find it so

692
00:37:24,110 --> 00:37:28,390
Speaker 1: interesting because I was wrestling with the sin so much

693
00:37:28,510 --> 00:37:30,469
Speaker 1: and the guilt and the shame and the condemnation. But like,

694
00:37:30,510 --> 00:37:33,890
Speaker 1: there was always this thing that led me to be like, no,

695
00:37:33,910 --> 00:37:37,880
Speaker 1: like I still love God. I'm still connected to God.

696
00:37:37,900 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 1: I want God. I didn't feel like so completely like

697
00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: rebellious in that way. But at that time, I had

698
00:37:45,739 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: a good friend of mine that I befriended who went

699
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,870
Speaker 1: to the same high school that, She ended up going

700
00:37:49,890 --> 00:37:51,310
Speaker 1: on a journey where she ended up at the same

701
00:37:51,390 --> 00:37:53,670
Speaker 1: university that I had to go to, to finish her credits.

702
00:37:54,890 --> 00:37:57,640
Speaker 1: And we had this conversation talking about like sexuality and

703
00:37:57,660 --> 00:38:00,620
Speaker 1: attraction and church and stuff like that. She grew up

704
00:38:00,660 --> 00:38:02,500
Speaker 1: in Georgia with me as well. She knew about the

705
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:04,420
Speaker 1: church that I went to. She didn't go, she didn't

706
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,640
Speaker 1: really go to that church. But we talked about that

707
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,480
Speaker 1: and I say, Hey, this is what I'm wrestling with.

708
00:38:10,020 --> 00:38:12,620
Speaker 1: And like, you know, maybe I might come out, maybe

709
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,279
Speaker 1: I'm not, but I'm really just focused on school. It

710
00:38:15,300 --> 00:38:17,660
Speaker 1: was also just very financially hard for me. I was like,

711
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,140
Speaker 1: I need to find a way to pay for school.

712
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 1: I got to get all these things together. And one

713
00:38:21,860 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 1: thing that I felt like when I responded to her

714
00:38:25,020 --> 00:38:26,779
Speaker 1: that I just kept thinking about, I was like, I

715
00:38:26,820 --> 00:38:29,700
Speaker 1: have too much blood on my ledger. So y'all can

716
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 1: go out and party. Y'all can go out and smoke.

717
00:38:32,580 --> 00:38:35,070
Speaker 1: You can do all these things and all this hoopla.

718
00:38:35,550 --> 00:38:36,750
Speaker 1: I can come to the party and then I'm going

719
00:38:36,770 --> 00:38:39,569
Speaker 1: to leave. And I think sometimes people would think that, oh,

720
00:38:39,590 --> 00:38:42,009
Speaker 1: like something's different about Richard. He thinks maybe he's a

721
00:38:42,010 --> 00:38:44,969
Speaker 1: little bit too good. And I'm like internally like, no,

722
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:47,750
Speaker 1: I don't think I'm too good. Like I like literally

723
00:38:47,770 --> 00:38:50,710
Speaker 1: I had so much anxiety and also depression with the

724
00:38:50,790 --> 00:38:54,670
Speaker 1: rigor of school that I would use pornography to cope.

725
00:38:55,150 --> 00:38:56,930
Speaker 1: I was addicted to it where I would do it

726
00:38:57,070 --> 00:39:00,270
Speaker 1: every time I would emotionally feel this rejection or bad

727
00:39:00,330 --> 00:39:02,489
Speaker 1: or sad. I would go to it and it was

728
00:39:02,570 --> 00:39:08,340
Speaker 1: perversively getting worse. And so I I was like, I

729
00:39:08,380 --> 00:39:09,819
Speaker 1: have too much blood on my ledger. I don't want

730
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:12,810
Speaker 1: to continue doing all of these things. But I still

731
00:39:12,830 --> 00:39:16,100
Speaker 1: feel like God is in the equation. I just don't

732
00:39:16,140 --> 00:39:18,140
Speaker 1: know how he's going to help me and fix me.

733
00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:23,799
Speaker 1: I even remember thinking about this idea that like I'm

734
00:39:23,969 --> 00:39:27,480
Speaker 1: on a ship, but by myself. And this, like, there's

735
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:30,780
Speaker 1: a storm and the ship is like crashing in to

736
00:39:30,940 --> 00:39:32,580
Speaker 1: like these boulders or whatever. And the ship is going

737
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,420
Speaker 1: to sink, but I'm on the ship and I have

738
00:39:35,620 --> 00:39:38,739
Speaker 1: somehow tied myself on the mass of the ship and

739
00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:41,630
Speaker 1: I'm going to crash and burn. Like, that's how it felt. Like,

740
00:39:41,670 --> 00:39:44,450
Speaker 1: I felt like God hated me. I was condemned and

741
00:39:44,930 --> 00:39:48,210
Speaker 1: And even though there was a sliver of hope, I

742
00:39:48,250 --> 00:39:51,170
Speaker 1: was like, I feel like I'm going to crash. So

743
00:39:51,210 --> 00:39:56,859
Speaker 1: I finished school, finished university, got my degree. Great time

744
00:39:56,920 --> 00:40:02,000
Speaker 1: at school, great training. I came from a really hard

745
00:40:02,040 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 1: background with my mom as a single parent. And she's like,

746
00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:06,640
Speaker 1: I don't know if this dance thing is going to work.

747
00:40:07,110 --> 00:40:09,230
Speaker 1: But I'm also a little hardheaded and stubborn. And I'm like,

748
00:40:09,270 --> 00:40:11,910
Speaker 1: watch me. And so I'm like, I will have a job.

749
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,299
Speaker 1: By the time I graduate, I'm a little crazy back.

750
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:16,130
Speaker 1: And this is why, this is why the Lord uses

751
00:40:16,570 --> 00:40:20,509
Speaker 1: the introverted, crazy people. He loves us. So I'm like,

752
00:40:20,650 --> 00:40:22,910
Speaker 1: I'm going to have a job right after I graduate.

753
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:27,700
Speaker 1: And that's what happened. But here's the thing, even a little,

754
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 1: I love how you put in your book, how you had,

755
00:40:29,739 --> 00:40:32,219
Speaker 1: you were achieving all of these things. And yet there was,

756
00:40:32,900 --> 00:40:36,090
Speaker 1: there was something that was missing. I had started dancing

757
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:41,530
Speaker 1: with cruise ships, thing parts, I started dancing in commercial work,

758
00:40:41,550 --> 00:40:45,390
Speaker 1: but also concert work, doing entertainment. I started dancing with

759
00:40:45,430 --> 00:40:47,770
Speaker 1: dance companies. I've been in ballets. I've done jazz. I've

760
00:40:47,790 --> 00:40:49,970
Speaker 1: done hip hop. I've done a little bit of tap

761
00:40:49,989 --> 00:40:52,570
Speaker 1: that I didn't want to do. I've done contemporary. And

762
00:40:52,590 --> 00:40:57,169
Speaker 1: I was like, each of my dance gigs, I did

763
00:40:57,250 --> 00:41:01,250
Speaker 1: what I sought out to do and I was not fulfilled.

764
00:41:02,010 --> 00:41:05,089
Speaker 1: I was like, I hate it. And there was always

765
00:41:05,110 --> 00:41:07,910
Speaker 1: something that also went wrong. I had people that kind

766
00:41:07,930 --> 00:41:10,830
Speaker 1: of mistreated me, lied on me. Someone said that I

767
00:41:10,890 --> 00:41:14,270
Speaker 1: hurt them, that I didn't hurt. I was a swing.

768
00:41:14,370 --> 00:41:16,550
Speaker 1: So I was a swing a lot of the time.

769
00:41:16,610 --> 00:41:21,070
Speaker 1: So I would have to learn everyone's track and perform

770
00:41:21,130 --> 00:41:23,509
Speaker 1: everyone's track really by the end of a contract because

771
00:41:23,550 --> 00:41:26,370
Speaker 1: something always happened. And so there was just such a

772
00:41:26,410 --> 00:41:28,109
Speaker 1: lot of things that were going on. I was like,

773
00:41:28,270 --> 00:41:30,430
Speaker 1: I am not, I thought I was doing this so

774
00:41:30,450 --> 00:41:32,969
Speaker 1: that I could be happy and I'm not happy. I'm

775
00:41:33,030 --> 00:41:36,819
Speaker 1: not fulfilled. The last company that I was working with

776
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:40,700
Speaker 1: was a ballet company in Charlottesville. And there was a

777
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:43,440
Speaker 1: lot of miscommunication going on toward the end of me

778
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,259
Speaker 1: renewing my contract. And I think maybe they thought that

779
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: I was trying to transition and leave to go work

780
00:41:48,660 --> 00:41:51,990
Speaker 1: with another company and like, you know, break up the contract,

781
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:53,630
Speaker 1: which was not what was happening at all, which is

782
00:41:53,670 --> 00:41:56,609
Speaker 1: why I scheduled the whole conversation. They ended up trying

783
00:41:56,650 --> 00:42:00,410
Speaker 1: to like sue me. And I was like, this, this

784
00:42:00,450 --> 00:42:05,790
Speaker 1: whole dance industry is, I need a timeout. This is

785
00:42:06,050 --> 00:42:09,730
Speaker 1: not really working for me. And the lawsuit didn't really

786
00:42:09,770 --> 00:42:11,730
Speaker 1: go through because there was nothing to sue. The contract

787
00:42:11,750 --> 00:42:14,750
Speaker 1: hadn't started. I wasn't breaking it. I literally was like,

788
00:42:15,050 --> 00:42:18,470
Speaker 1: I financially am having so much struggles continuing to restart

789
00:42:18,510 --> 00:42:20,780
Speaker 1: my life over and over again to do these dance

790
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:23,660
Speaker 1: things and different dance dates, et cetera, et cetera. And

791
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,620
Speaker 1: I was like, what does it look like for me

792
00:42:25,700 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 1: to really focus on myself, maybe to take a break?

793
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,660
Speaker 1: I started to read a lot of self-help books. I

794
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,480
Speaker 1: started to do personal development. I started to have some

795
00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:37,109
Speaker 1: mentorships with like, you know, what does entrepreneurship look like

796
00:42:37,150 --> 00:42:39,509
Speaker 1: for me? Maybe I could go back into dance with

797
00:42:39,530 --> 00:42:42,489
Speaker 1: more of a business mindset, et cetera, et cetera. And

798
00:42:42,570 --> 00:42:45,250
Speaker 1: so I was like, these mentors in this community there

799
00:42:45,270 --> 00:42:47,089
Speaker 1: in New York, maybe I'll just move to New York.

800
00:42:47,630 --> 00:42:50,270
Speaker 1: Mind you, I'm from the South. Every time I visited

801
00:42:50,410 --> 00:42:53,410
Speaker 1: New York, when I went to my university, my university

802
00:42:53,430 --> 00:42:56,420
Speaker 1: was in Philly. Philly was cute. It was like, it was,

803
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:58,600
Speaker 1: it was giving a city vibe, but not, but not

804
00:42:58,620 --> 00:43:00,470
Speaker 1: too much city. New York?

805
00:43:00,830 --> 00:43:01,270
Speaker 4: New York.

806
00:43:02,570 --> 00:43:05,650
Speaker 1: I was like, what is happening? I was like, I

807
00:43:05,730 --> 00:43:08,350
Speaker 1: hate it here. I was like, it's dirty. It's hot.

808
00:43:08,750 --> 00:43:13,250
Speaker 1: There's trash everywhere. There's dog poop on the sidewalk. There's

809
00:43:13,370 --> 00:43:15,830
Speaker 1: parks that are not parks. And I don't care what

810
00:43:15,850 --> 00:43:18,890
Speaker 1: anyone says. There's no parks here. I mean, there's Central Park,

811
00:43:18,910 --> 00:43:21,529
Speaker 1: which is nice. But I'm just like, I'm used to

812
00:43:21,590 --> 00:43:25,819
Speaker 1: grass and trees. I'm used to the exhaust, the fumes

813
00:43:25,860 --> 00:43:28,850
Speaker 1: being sucked up by the trees. Can't go anywhere. So

814
00:43:28,989 --> 00:43:32,270
Speaker 1: I hated it here. Going on the bus, the train, confusing.

815
00:43:32,410 --> 00:43:33,750
Speaker 1: I was like, this is not the life for me.

816
00:43:34,489 --> 00:43:37,489
Speaker 1: But for some reason, in 2019, I had this epiphany.

817
00:43:37,690 --> 00:43:40,469
Speaker 1: I need to take a break from dance. I need

818
00:43:40,489 --> 00:43:43,730
Speaker 1: to reassess my life. Maybe this was the midlife crisis

819
00:43:43,750 --> 00:43:46,400
Speaker 1: that I had before the midlife. Actually, no, I don't

820
00:43:46,420 --> 00:43:48,560
Speaker 1: want to say that. But I had the crisis and

821
00:43:48,580 --> 00:43:51,279
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm moving. So I moved. I wanted

822
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:53,339
Speaker 1: to connect with the community and mentorship that I found

823
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:55,480
Speaker 1: in New York. And I was like, you know, this

824
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:57,080
Speaker 1: is going to be hard. This is interesting, but this

825
00:43:57,100 --> 00:44:00,509
Speaker 1: is what I'm going to do. And I moved in November, 2019.

826
00:44:00,510 --> 00:44:04,469
Speaker 1: And literally the next year, 2020 COVID happened, the pandemic.

827
00:44:05,700 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 1: So I just felt like, I was like, well, God

828
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,500
Speaker 1: was probably really kind of leading me because nobody was dancing.

829
00:44:11,100 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 1: Everything was shut down.

830
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:13,140
Speaker 4: Yeah.

831
00:44:13,260 --> 00:44:16,080
Speaker 1: And so I transitioned into corporate and that was hard

832
00:44:16,100 --> 00:44:18,299
Speaker 1: to navigate because you would get a job and then

833
00:44:18,340 --> 00:44:20,240
Speaker 1: COVID happened. And then like, you don't have a job.

834
00:44:20,260 --> 00:44:23,290
Speaker 1: And then like the, all the rules and perimeters now

835
00:44:23,310 --> 00:44:25,870
Speaker 1: we're working virtual and all the things, but we made

836
00:44:25,890 --> 00:44:31,970
Speaker 1: it out. Um, However, during COVID for me, I had

837
00:44:32,120 --> 00:44:34,450
Speaker 1: so much of a reflection that like, wow, like my

838
00:44:34,510 --> 00:44:36,609
Speaker 1: life is a mess. Even though I'm kind of like

839
00:44:36,670 --> 00:44:41,009
Speaker 1: leaning into learning more about myself, learning more about personal development,

840
00:44:41,270 --> 00:44:44,950
Speaker 1: learning about how to like, okay, be a better person, be,

841
00:44:45,010 --> 00:44:47,750
Speaker 1: you know, you know, have better habits and all these things.

842
00:44:48,330 --> 00:44:52,020
Speaker 1: It was great awareness, but I am still stuck and

843
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:56,719
Speaker 1: addicted to pornography. I still feel depressed. I still feel anxiety.

844
00:44:57,790 --> 00:45:00,610
Speaker 1: I could barely sleep. And even as I started working

845
00:45:00,660 --> 00:45:03,520
Speaker 1: and transitioning into corporate, it got so bad where I

846
00:45:03,540 --> 00:45:05,779
Speaker 1: was addicted, where I was bringing my addictions into the

847
00:45:05,820 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 1: corporate space. So I was like, this is bad. This

848
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: is bad. Like I literally cannot go a day without

849
00:45:13,110 --> 00:45:16,610
Speaker 1: watching something or feeling like this. And so I decided

850
00:45:16,690 --> 00:45:21,109
Speaker 1: in my brain to have two options. I was like,

851
00:45:21,370 --> 00:45:26,630
Speaker 1: I'm either going to come out Or I think I'm

852
00:45:26,790 --> 00:45:30,650
Speaker 1: really going to try this God thing. And I was

853
00:45:30,690 --> 00:45:36,070
Speaker 1: doing both at the same time. It was weird. 2020

854
00:45:36,070 --> 00:45:40,609
Speaker 1: into 2022, there was this floating idea and ideology that

855
00:45:40,989 --> 00:45:44,080
Speaker 1: like somehow was picking up that maybe I could be

856
00:45:44,140 --> 00:45:47,460
Speaker 1: gay and love the Lord. Maybe I could be this

857
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:51,739
Speaker 1: gay Christian type of thing because I couldn't let go

858
00:45:51,780 --> 00:45:55,270
Speaker 1: of the Lord. And then around this time during the pandemic,

859
00:45:55,390 --> 00:45:58,770
Speaker 1: I started to go into therapy. And my therapist was

860
00:45:58,810 --> 00:46:02,410
Speaker 1: a Christian. And he was phenomenal. And he was great.

861
00:46:03,130 --> 00:46:06,130
Speaker 1: And I confessed to him about all the things I

862
00:46:06,150 --> 00:46:09,229
Speaker 1: was struggling with. And he's like, this is actually bad.

863
00:46:09,390 --> 00:46:12,259
Speaker 1: We need to go into recovery. And I tried this

864
00:46:12,300 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: recovery program. There's 12 steps. However, the first one I

865
00:46:15,700 --> 00:46:18,719
Speaker 1: went to was bad. And that was not my therapist's recommendation.

866
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:20,739
Speaker 1: I kind of try to look up stuff in my

867
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:25,589
Speaker 1: own strength. and I went to this program and they

868
00:46:25,610 --> 00:46:29,010
Speaker 1: were saying, just think about and pray to your creator.

869
00:46:29,030 --> 00:46:35,469
Speaker 1: And I said, creator, what are we back at? But

870
00:46:35,610 --> 00:46:39,560
Speaker 1: I'm still like, I'm like, I'm, I'm all over the place. I'm,

871
00:46:39,880 --> 00:46:42,760
Speaker 1: I'm like crazy. But I, but also I'm like creator

872
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:45,680
Speaker 1: say a prayer to your career. I was like, there's

873
00:46:45,739 --> 00:46:48,140
Speaker 1: only one creator. It's only Jesus. I said, what are we,

874
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:51,060
Speaker 1: what's going on here? And it was just interesting because

875
00:46:51,080 --> 00:46:54,680
Speaker 1: like I was around a community of people who weren't

876
00:46:54,719 --> 00:46:58,669
Speaker 1: really progressing and getting better either. Like I saw you

877
00:46:59,550 --> 00:47:01,989
Speaker 1: three weeks ago, you were doing great. And now here

878
00:47:02,010 --> 00:47:04,130
Speaker 1: we are in the fourth week and you have now relapsed.

879
00:47:04,150 --> 00:47:06,130
Speaker 1: I was like, this is not encouraging to me. And

880
00:47:06,150 --> 00:47:07,710
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm leaving. I had to get out.

881
00:47:08,489 --> 00:47:11,009
Speaker 1: So I was just call it the Holy spirit, just

882
00:47:11,810 --> 00:47:14,069
Speaker 1: keeping me together. I was like, I'm, this is not

883
00:47:14,090 --> 00:47:17,620
Speaker 1: for me. And then my therapist was like, Let's try

884
00:47:17,719 --> 00:47:21,270
Speaker 1: a recovery with like connected to like a church, you know,

885
00:47:21,410 --> 00:47:25,989
Speaker 1: something more clear and specific. And then I also was

886
00:47:26,070 --> 00:47:28,509
Speaker 1: hearing a recommendation for a church in the city in

887
00:47:28,550 --> 00:47:31,110
Speaker 1: New York where I was called V1 Church. And a

888
00:47:31,150 --> 00:47:33,969
Speaker 1: part of me was like, oh no, I don't know.

889
00:47:34,050 --> 00:47:36,549
Speaker 1: Cause you know, the gay thing, I'm trying to figure

890
00:47:36,610 --> 00:47:40,230
Speaker 1: out if I can do this gay Christian thing. But

891
00:47:40,250 --> 00:47:44,070
Speaker 1: this epiphany happened. I think for, I got so desperate

892
00:47:44,090 --> 00:47:47,550
Speaker 1: with my life and I was very, I was, I was...

893
00:47:47,430 --> 00:47:51,009
Speaker 1: What's the word that I'm looking for? I wasn't fake

894
00:47:51,030 --> 00:47:52,930
Speaker 1: with what I was going through. Something clicked in me

895
00:47:52,969 --> 00:47:55,549
Speaker 1: where I was like, Richard, this is your reality. You

896
00:47:55,610 --> 00:47:59,549
Speaker 1: are in a mess. This is not... Oh, everything's great. No,

897
00:47:59,570 --> 00:48:02,750
Speaker 1: this is a mess. I can barely sleep. I had insomnia.

898
00:48:02,770 --> 00:48:06,150
Speaker 1: I had suicidal ideations. All these things. Your life is

899
00:48:06,190 --> 00:48:09,330
Speaker 1: not great. So let's stop trying to pretend it to be.

900
00:48:09,530 --> 00:48:12,410
Speaker 1: I have to be very crucial. I have to be

901
00:48:12,450 --> 00:48:15,860
Speaker 1: aware of what my reality looks like right now. And

902
00:48:16,810 --> 00:48:20,089
Speaker 1: even though maybe the church might say some things in

903
00:48:20,150 --> 00:48:24,140
Speaker 1: my heart, I knew that I needed to really press

904
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:27,620
Speaker 1: in and learn about Jesus and follow Jesus. Jesus was

905
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 1: going to set me free somehow of this addiction. Jesus

906
00:48:30,060 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 1: was going to set me free from this. So I

907
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:37,700
Speaker 1: started to lean into this recovery group at my church

908
00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:40,180
Speaker 1: at V1 that I started going to in 2021 into 2022.

909
00:48:40,180 --> 00:48:49,290
Speaker 1: And I started dating. I was going to these apps.

910
00:48:49,790 --> 00:48:54,489
Speaker 1: I was on there. I was looking up people. I

911
00:48:54,530 --> 00:48:56,690
Speaker 1: wasn't the type to really hook up, especially after that

912
00:48:56,750 --> 00:48:59,989
Speaker 1: traumatic event in high school. But I was open to it.

913
00:48:59,989 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 1: But I was like, if we're going to hook up,

914
00:49:01,380 --> 00:49:03,060
Speaker 1: you need to be... I was like, I can't hook

915
00:49:03,100 --> 00:49:05,500
Speaker 1: up with a Muslim. I was like, I'm sorry. You

916
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:09,380
Speaker 1: have to know the Lord. Swipe, swipe, swipe. Do you

917
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 1: know God?

918
00:49:09,940 --> 00:49:10,359
Speaker 4: Oh my gosh.

919
00:49:11,910 --> 00:49:15,660
Speaker 1: It's like Zodiac signs. I said, I don't really care

920
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:18,230
Speaker 1: about the Zodiac signs. Do you know God? Are you

921
00:49:18,270 --> 00:49:21,029
Speaker 1: going to church? And I know it was awkward. I

922
00:49:21,090 --> 00:49:23,549
Speaker 1: know it was weird, but I just, that was like

923
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:25,989
Speaker 1: where I was. I was like, if I'm going to

924
00:49:26,030 --> 00:49:27,299
Speaker 1: be with a man for the rest of my life,

925
00:49:27,700 --> 00:49:28,960
Speaker 1: like you have to know the Lord and we have

926
00:49:28,980 --> 00:49:31,180
Speaker 1: to go to church. Like it's just, that just, it

927
00:49:31,219 --> 00:49:35,200
Speaker 1: makes sense. So none of the things were matching and

928
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:36,980
Speaker 1: it was, I was tired. I was sick of it

929
00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: until I matched with someone that I knew in real

930
00:49:39,700 --> 00:49:43,400
Speaker 1: life who actually was even a part of the community

931
00:49:43,420 --> 00:49:45,319
Speaker 1: that I was with as far as like business and

932
00:49:45,460 --> 00:49:49,430
Speaker 1: like leadership. But like he was somewhere else. Like we

933
00:49:49,450 --> 00:49:51,770
Speaker 1: weren't really as connected, but we got to know each other.

934
00:49:52,330 --> 00:49:56,630
Speaker 1: And then we started actually dating. But when I brung

935
00:49:56,690 --> 00:49:59,489
Speaker 1: up God, there was always this tension. He was like,

936
00:49:59,570 --> 00:50:01,890
Speaker 1: I just go to this little Bible study that we do.

937
00:50:01,910 --> 00:50:04,350
Speaker 1: And then that's it for me. I don't know about

938
00:50:04,660 --> 00:50:07,480
Speaker 1: going to church. At this point, Beckett, like I'm locked

939
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:10,580
Speaker 1: in with therapy. My therapist is Christian. He's like, we're

940
00:50:10,620 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 1: doing great work. And then I'm going to church, my

941
00:50:13,460 --> 00:50:17,050
Speaker 1: church at V1 church. And I'm all over the place.

942
00:50:17,160 --> 00:50:19,610
Speaker 1: And my church was so kind. My pastors were very kind.

943
00:50:20,290 --> 00:50:23,390
Speaker 1: I started to kind of slowly back in 2022, start

944
00:50:23,410 --> 00:50:27,049
Speaker 1: to dance a little bit. And I'm in, I'm in

945
00:50:27,170 --> 00:50:30,770
Speaker 1: all the bad classes. I'm doing all of the swirls

946
00:50:30,930 --> 00:50:33,960
Speaker 1: and the, and the roles and all the things. And I'm,

947
00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:37,940
Speaker 1: half naked. And I'm just like, I'm dancing. And I like,

948
00:50:38,020 --> 00:50:40,360
Speaker 1: I think I might be queer. Cause like everyone is

949
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,919
Speaker 1: labeling themselves to think, you know what, maybe I'll just

950
00:50:43,980 --> 00:50:47,339
Speaker 1: be queer, you know? Um, and I'm dancing with these

951
00:50:47,420 --> 00:50:49,720
Speaker 1: dance crews in the city and we're traveling. I'm getting,

952
00:50:50,010 --> 00:50:53,070
Speaker 1: I love K-pop. I'm doing K-pop and it's, it's getting,

953
00:50:53,140 --> 00:50:56,810
Speaker 1: now I'm starting to dress more feminine. Like, like you,

954
00:50:57,070 --> 00:51:00,609
Speaker 1: y'all thought before, no, this was, I was out here

955
00:51:00,930 --> 00:51:04,090
Speaker 1: and looking a little crazy, but, and going to church.

956
00:51:05,150 --> 00:51:08,350
Speaker 1: And I didn't know this, but my pastor said a

957
00:51:09,650 --> 00:51:11,430
Speaker 1: while back, they would say, we would see the photos

958
00:51:11,450 --> 00:51:14,950
Speaker 1: that you would post. And we were like, oh, Richard is,

959
00:51:15,170 --> 00:51:17,670
Speaker 1: he's out here. Let's say a prayer. We're going to

960
00:51:17,710 --> 00:51:20,760
Speaker 1: pray for Richard. We're praying, we're praying. And they would

961
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:22,520
Speaker 1: tarry and they would pray for a little bit and

962
00:51:22,540 --> 00:51:25,239
Speaker 1: then they would go on. But they didn't necessarily like

963
00:51:25,320 --> 00:51:28,520
Speaker 1: really bring it up because my pastor, shout out to

964
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:32,879
Speaker 1: Mike Signorelli, he's not preaching fire and brimstone, but he

965
00:51:33,140 --> 00:51:35,790
Speaker 1: is in this beautiful way that the Lord has gifted

966
00:51:35,870 --> 00:51:42,050
Speaker 1: him articulating the gospel, articulating the father's heart and through

967
00:51:42,090 --> 00:51:47,240
Speaker 1: his commandments without being condemning. And I'm receiving it while

968
00:51:47,580 --> 00:51:49,860
Speaker 1: I'm kind of dressing like a woman and half naked

969
00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:53,420
Speaker 1: and dating and doing all these other things outside craziness.

970
00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:54,140
Speaker 4: Yeah.

971
00:51:55,000 --> 00:51:59,210
Speaker 1: Until this moment in 2022, where I was with the guy,

972
00:51:59,230 --> 00:52:02,580
Speaker 1: we ended up going out. We're dating. We end up,

973
00:52:03,010 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 1: actually getting together, hooking up, whatever. And then the next

974
00:52:06,280 --> 00:52:09,980
Speaker 1: day there was this revelation where we had been talking

975
00:52:10,040 --> 00:52:12,300
Speaker 1: for like maybe a month, maybe, you know, maybe two.

976
00:52:13,020 --> 00:52:15,279
Speaker 1: He said, oh, like this guy who's a dancer or

977
00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:18,009
Speaker 1: whatever I met. And he's like really famous. He has

978
00:52:18,050 --> 00:52:20,489
Speaker 1: a lot of great accolades. Like we got together and,

979
00:52:20,610 --> 00:52:22,470
Speaker 1: you know, that's someone that like I met up with

980
00:52:22,870 --> 00:52:25,049
Speaker 1: and like we hooked up. And I'm like, you hooked

981
00:52:25,130 --> 00:52:27,989
Speaker 1: up with him. Like this is when, and in my mind,

982
00:52:28,050 --> 00:52:31,100
Speaker 1: I'm calculating the timeline. Like this is someone where we

983
00:52:31,140 --> 00:52:35,089
Speaker 1: were talking. And he had expressed conversations about like, what

984
00:52:35,110 --> 00:52:37,170
Speaker 1: does it look like? I want to be a person

985
00:52:37,210 --> 00:52:38,969
Speaker 1: that is committed to one person. I want to be

986
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:43,300
Speaker 1: a person that married for life, happy liver after, romanticizing

987
00:52:43,380 --> 00:52:46,680
Speaker 1: and coming together, having a family. You know, I want

988
00:52:46,700 --> 00:52:51,560
Speaker 1: to do that, which are all biblical concepts, which is

989
00:52:51,739 --> 00:52:54,940
Speaker 1: crazy to me how we don't want God. And then

990
00:52:54,980 --> 00:52:58,500
Speaker 1: we have all of these biblical concepts and values from

991
00:52:58,560 --> 00:53:04,299
Speaker 1: God himself. Anyway. But that moment was pivotal for me

992
00:53:04,320 --> 00:53:07,660
Speaker 1: because I was like, you're kind of just floundering around.

993
00:53:08,540 --> 00:53:11,480
Speaker 1: I don't like it just that felt like another rejection.

994
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:14,080
Speaker 1: I was like, this is another rejection. And then we

995
00:53:14,100 --> 00:53:18,570
Speaker 1: were butting heads because he was very leading and dominant.

996
00:53:18,630 --> 00:53:22,190
Speaker 1: But I'm also stubborn and leading and dominant. And so

997
00:53:22,230 --> 00:53:24,489
Speaker 1: we just we couldn't really fit. And I was like,

998
00:53:25,190 --> 00:53:29,069
Speaker 1: maybe we can't fit because we're not supposed to be together.

999
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:32,430
Speaker 1: And this does not make sense right now. And so

1000
00:53:33,250 --> 00:53:36,450
Speaker 1: after that, we separated. And I feel like that was

1001
00:53:36,489 --> 00:53:40,230
Speaker 1: the climactic point where I made a conscious decision where

1002
00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:46,790
Speaker 1: I was like, God, I'm going all in. I'm going

1003
00:53:46,850 --> 00:53:48,790
Speaker 1: all in on this Jesus thing. I'm going to my church.

1004
00:53:49,690 --> 00:53:51,390
Speaker 1: I'm going to get to know you. And I'm going

1005
00:53:51,430 --> 00:53:55,230
Speaker 1: to read my Bible. And I'm going to read this

1006
00:53:55,290 --> 00:53:58,070
Speaker 1: thing from front to back. And I want to know

1007
00:53:58,630 --> 00:54:02,620
Speaker 1: what you have to say about homosexuality. Cause I'm this

1008
00:54:02,700 --> 00:54:05,620
Speaker 1: close to just giving up and losing up hope and

1009
00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:07,799
Speaker 1: just thinking that I can be gay and Christian. I

1010
00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:10,880
Speaker 1: even had a book, the book called God and the

1011
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:12,500
Speaker 1: gay Christian was recommended to me.

1012
00:54:13,020 --> 00:54:14,700
Speaker 4: Michael or Matthew Vines. Yeah.

1013
00:54:15,540 --> 00:54:17,080
Speaker 1: So I literally had that book.

1014
00:54:17,739 --> 00:54:18,660
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1015
00:54:18,680 --> 00:54:20,360
Speaker 1: And a friend of mine, a brother of my church

1016
00:54:20,420 --> 00:54:22,880
Speaker 1: who was a, was a big disciple of mine at

1017
00:54:22,900 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 1: the beginning of my walk, we met one time we

1018
00:54:26,060 --> 00:54:27,900
Speaker 1: were talking and I said, Hey, like I have this book,

1019
00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:29,440
Speaker 1: God and the gay Christian. Do you think it would

1020
00:54:29,460 --> 00:54:35,560
Speaker 1: be good to read? He goes, don't read that. Um, he, um,

1021
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:38,100
Speaker 1: actually has a, he has a similar testimony to me.

1022
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:41,219
Speaker 1: He actually walked out of the lifestyle. Um, and he

1023
00:54:41,260 --> 00:54:43,200
Speaker 1: now is married and has a family. And I know

1024
00:54:43,219 --> 00:54:45,950
Speaker 1: that looks different for different people. And that's not the, the,

1025
00:54:46,030 --> 00:54:48,150
Speaker 1: the bar that, you know, we have, but he had

1026
00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:50,770
Speaker 1: walked through this journey before me and I honor him.

1027
00:54:50,810 --> 00:54:53,549
Speaker 1: His name is Anthony. Um, and he had helped me

1028
00:54:53,610 --> 00:54:55,130
Speaker 1: so much and he was like, Hey, let's not read

1029
00:54:55,180 --> 00:54:58,110
Speaker 1: that book. He was like, let's read this book. I

1030
00:54:58,130 --> 00:55:00,640
Speaker 1: just found it. It's called Good Girl, Gay God by

1031
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:04,500
Speaker 1: Jackie Hope Perry. And so I feel like that was

1032
00:55:04,580 --> 00:55:07,239
Speaker 1: so cool because it was so symbolic because that's where

1033
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:10,460
Speaker 1: I was. I was literally at the fork of the road.

1034
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:12,719
Speaker 1: I was literally either about to read God in a

1035
00:55:12,739 --> 00:55:16,100
Speaker 1: gay Christian or I was about to read my Bible

1036
00:55:16,140 --> 00:55:18,399
Speaker 1: and read Good Girl, Gay God and like really like

1037
00:55:18,450 --> 00:55:21,450
Speaker 1: lean in. And I turned to the right. Thank you, Lord.

1038
00:55:22,830 --> 00:55:26,029
Speaker 1: So I made that decision in twenty twenty two. And

1039
00:55:26,050 --> 00:55:28,910
Speaker 1: this is when I'll get into 2023. And I think

1040
00:55:29,830 --> 00:55:32,049
Speaker 1: this is where we can like land the plane. Sorry

1041
00:55:32,070 --> 00:55:33,450
Speaker 1: that I've been like, you know, we've been going.

1042
00:55:33,510 --> 00:55:34,230
Speaker 4: No, that's good.

1043
00:55:34,290 --> 00:55:34,509
Speaker 1: Good.

1044
00:55:34,690 --> 00:55:35,069
Speaker 4: Keep going.

1045
00:55:35,969 --> 00:55:42,220
Speaker 1: I can land the plane in 2023 where I got

1046
00:55:42,260 --> 00:55:44,600
Speaker 1: a new job and it was the highest paying job

1047
00:55:44,620 --> 00:55:47,739
Speaker 1: that I ever had. Listen, Beckett, I was like, I

1048
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:53,270
Speaker 1: can make some money. I said, thank you, Lord. I'm like,

1049
00:55:53,890 --> 00:55:57,730
Speaker 1: I am like, I'm still working through my struggles, but

1050
00:55:57,750 --> 00:56:00,050
Speaker 1: I was like, at least I have some good income

1051
00:56:00,110 --> 00:56:04,950
Speaker 1: coming in. And I got that job, I would say

1052
00:56:04,989 --> 00:56:07,590
Speaker 1: January 2023 is when like everything was solid when I

1053
00:56:07,610 --> 00:56:12,549
Speaker 1: started working there regularly. But then I said a prayer

1054
00:56:12,570 --> 00:56:15,469
Speaker 1: to the Lord. I was on the rooftop. I was

1055
00:56:15,489 --> 00:56:17,109
Speaker 1: on a lunch break and there was like this little

1056
00:56:17,130 --> 00:56:21,710
Speaker 1: rooftop area. And I'm like pacing around and I'm like

1057
00:56:21,750 --> 00:56:24,500
Speaker 1: talking to the Lord. And this is actually prayer. Like

1058
00:56:24,540 --> 00:56:27,759
Speaker 1: prayer doesn't always have to be Heavenly Father, thank you. Like, yes,

1059
00:56:27,780 --> 00:56:29,839
Speaker 1: there's that. But there's also just for the folks that

1060
00:56:29,860 --> 00:56:33,650
Speaker 1: are listening, you can like prayer is just the simplest,

1061
00:56:33,690 --> 00:56:36,009
Speaker 1: continuous communication with the Lord. So at the time, I

1062
00:56:36,030 --> 00:56:38,450
Speaker 1: didn't realize that I was literally calling out and crying

1063
00:56:38,489 --> 00:56:41,750
Speaker 1: out to the Lord. And I said, God, I don't

1064
00:56:41,910 --> 00:56:46,259
Speaker 1: know if I can be straight. I was like, how

1065
00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:47,839
Speaker 1: is this going to work? Because I was like, I'm

1066
00:56:47,940 --> 00:56:49,700
Speaker 1: reading your word and I'm starting to read the Bible.

1067
00:56:49,739 --> 00:56:52,640
Speaker 1: I'm really getting to the word. And I'm like, God,

1068
00:56:52,920 --> 00:56:57,440
Speaker 1: I fear what you are showing me is that I

1069
00:56:57,540 --> 00:57:00,100
Speaker 1: really cannot be gay and I cannot be a gay Christian.

1070
00:57:01,660 --> 00:57:03,840
Speaker 1: But Lord, I don't know how I can be straight.

1071
00:57:03,980 --> 00:57:07,100
Speaker 1: I don't know how, like, I love the idea of

1072
00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:11,080
Speaker 1: having a family and having children and being married and

1073
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:16,560
Speaker 1: living this long life together. I would love that. And

1074
00:57:16,780 --> 00:57:20,520
Speaker 1: even like, just even think about the implications of like,

1075
00:57:21,220 --> 00:57:23,560
Speaker 1: you know, this is not to dog on anyone, but

1076
00:57:24,120 --> 00:57:27,020
Speaker 1: the person that I had dated, that guy in New York,

1077
00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:31,440
Speaker 1: he actually also had, I don't know which one, I

1078
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,420
Speaker 1: don't know if it's HIV or AIDS. I think it

1079
00:57:34,460 --> 00:57:37,919
Speaker 1: was HIV, but he was taking medicine to go through that.

1080
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:40,500
Speaker 1: But that was also another pivot. I was like, wow,

1081
00:57:40,520 --> 00:57:43,700
Speaker 1: like I'm going to be in relationship with someone with

1082
00:57:43,740 --> 00:57:47,610
Speaker 1: this happening. And I think the older generation tried, they

1083
00:57:47,630 --> 00:57:49,770
Speaker 1: did a bad job, but they were like, oh, like, well,

1084
00:57:49,810 --> 00:57:52,890
Speaker 1: this is why they have this, you know, this disease

1085
00:57:52,950 --> 00:57:55,470
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. There's sexually, you know, there's sexual

1086
00:57:55,490 --> 00:57:58,410
Speaker 1: diseases for anything outside of God's covenant. Yes. But I

1087
00:57:58,430 --> 00:58:01,110
Speaker 1: think the way that they, their intention and the way

1088
00:58:01,130 --> 00:58:03,750
Speaker 1: that they spoke about it came from such a condemning place.

1089
00:58:04,210 --> 00:58:06,330
Speaker 1: But like, like in that point of my life, I

1090
00:58:06,350 --> 00:58:07,610
Speaker 1: was like, no, this is a real thing. And this

1091
00:58:07,630 --> 00:58:09,950
Speaker 1: is a real thing that people go through, like go through,

1092
00:58:10,050 --> 00:58:13,340
Speaker 1: like fighting with like giving into the desires and then

1093
00:58:13,380 --> 00:58:16,180
Speaker 1: waking up like, okay, like, am I okay? And so

1094
00:58:16,220 --> 00:58:19,120
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know if, I want all

1095
00:58:19,160 --> 00:58:20,430
Speaker 1: of that, if I want to be a part of

1096
00:58:20,470 --> 00:58:24,830
Speaker 1: this lifestyle, this LGBTQ thing. Also, I've seen a lot

1097
00:58:24,850 --> 00:58:27,690
Speaker 1: of division in the LGBTQ. I've seen a lot of discord.

1098
00:58:28,110 --> 00:58:32,280
Speaker 1: I've seen people even bully me for not being X, Y,

1099
00:58:32,310 --> 00:58:36,790
Speaker 1: and Z. Oh, you're too masculine. You're too feminine. You're

1100
00:58:36,830 --> 00:58:41,230
Speaker 1: too big. You're too skinny. Like that happens in conversations

1101
00:58:41,290 --> 00:58:44,200
Speaker 1: in the community. And I'm like, this is not as

1102
00:58:44,320 --> 00:58:47,040
Speaker 1: loving as I thought it was. The dance crews that

1103
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:50,120
Speaker 1: I was dancing with, they would be mean and talk

1104
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:55,230
Speaker 1: behind each other's back, gossiping, bitterness. And I'm like, the

1105
00:58:55,290 --> 00:59:01,190
Speaker 1: love is not loving. Especially those, you know, there's the

1106
00:59:01,290 --> 00:59:05,580
Speaker 1: LGBT and then transitioning into the trans. There was so

1107
00:59:05,620 --> 00:59:09,570
Speaker 1: much aggression. And I'm like, what is going on?

1108
00:59:10,150 --> 00:59:12,990
Speaker 4: Maybe love is not love after all.

1109
00:59:13,270 --> 00:59:13,630
Speaker 2: Maybe.

1110
00:59:13,650 --> 00:59:17,150
Speaker 1: I was like, just because maybe I might like a

1111
00:59:17,190 --> 00:59:20,340
Speaker 1: man doesn't mean that I want to transform into a woman.

1112
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:24,620
Speaker 1: And I think that was also the Lord. And there's

1113
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:27,840
Speaker 1: some people who even still even think like this today.

1114
00:59:28,220 --> 00:59:31,510
Speaker 1: There's a whole movement of people who identify with the

1115
00:59:31,530 --> 00:59:34,150
Speaker 1: lifestyle but they consider themselves to be more conservative and

1116
00:59:34,190 --> 00:59:37,370
Speaker 1: traditional which is just it's so interesting seeing this dynamic

1117
00:59:37,610 --> 00:59:39,890
Speaker 1: but it's really all biblical but i was like i'm

1118
00:59:40,010 --> 00:59:42,530
Speaker 1: seeing all this division i'm like i'm not liking it

1119
00:59:42,610 --> 00:59:44,820
Speaker 1: like like maybe i don't want to go to a

1120
00:59:44,860 --> 00:59:48,800
Speaker 1: rally and what if i don't what what does that

1121
00:59:48,820 --> 00:59:51,740
Speaker 1: have to do like why do we have to press

1122
00:59:52,260 --> 00:59:56,250
Speaker 1: what this agenda upon people and all these things and

1123
00:59:56,290 --> 00:59:58,860
Speaker 1: mind you i hadn't really i didn't come out I

1124
00:59:58,900 --> 01:00:01,080
Speaker 1: was going to, my plan was like this, the guy

1125
01:00:01,120 --> 01:00:02,960
Speaker 1: that I was with in New York, I was like,

1126
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:04,220
Speaker 1: I'm going to come out with him and it's going

1127
01:00:04,240 --> 01:00:05,380
Speaker 1: to be a thing. And I'm going to come out

1128
01:00:05,420 --> 01:00:08,660
Speaker 1: in June. The Lord, the Lord really said no. So

1129
01:00:08,720 --> 01:00:11,590
Speaker 1: none of that happened. But going back to my prayer

1130
01:00:11,730 --> 01:00:14,390
Speaker 1: on that rooftop, I was like, I'm not really happy

1131
01:00:14,410 --> 01:00:18,210
Speaker 1: with the lifestyle, but like, how do I do this? Like,

1132
01:00:18,390 --> 01:00:22,960
Speaker 1: I have not seen anyone really come out on top

1133
01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:27,550
Speaker 1: except for Anthony. And I was like, Lord, like I

1134
01:00:27,590 --> 01:00:30,030
Speaker 1: need like five more people. Like I just, I just

1135
01:00:30,170 --> 01:00:33,890
Speaker 1: need more evidence. Like what happens? Like, and then even

1136
01:00:33,930 --> 01:00:37,030
Speaker 1: if like I get to somehow quote unquote be straight,

1137
01:00:37,350 --> 01:00:40,180
Speaker 1: will someone even be okay with the history that I

1138
01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:43,460
Speaker 1: have with this? Cause this is just such a big taboo,

1139
01:00:43,620 --> 01:00:48,340
Speaker 1: you know? And I hear the Lord clear his day.

1140
01:00:50,020 --> 01:00:53,340
Speaker 1: He said, Richard, just come to me. And I'm like,

1141
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:55,100
Speaker 1: come to me. And this is like the whisper of

1142
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,420
Speaker 1: the Lord. And listen, I'm on the rooftop. It's loud,

1143
01:00:57,440 --> 01:01:00,610
Speaker 1: New York, sirens, all the things. Like, I just hear

1144
01:01:00,640 --> 01:01:03,430
Speaker 1: the whisper of the Lord just come to me. And

1145
01:01:03,470 --> 01:01:05,410
Speaker 1: he said, don't worry about the gay thing right now.

1146
01:01:06,590 --> 01:01:10,390
Speaker 1: I'm like, don't worry about the gay thing. I said,

1147
01:01:10,410 --> 01:01:12,370
Speaker 1: so this has been my whole life. What do you mean?

1148
01:01:12,410 --> 01:01:16,010
Speaker 1: Don't worry about the gay thing. He like, like, don't

1149
01:01:16,090 --> 01:01:19,410
Speaker 1: even like look at the scriptures and all that. Like,

1150
01:01:19,470 --> 01:01:23,040
Speaker 1: don't like, obsessed about that. What he told me, he said, Richard,

1151
01:01:23,860 --> 01:01:27,090
Speaker 1: get to know me, get to know who I am.

1152
01:01:27,270 --> 01:01:31,270
Speaker 1: Just come to me. And this exchange is literally in scripture.

1153
01:01:31,310 --> 01:01:32,910
Speaker 1: This is one of the scriptures that saved my life.

1154
01:01:32,970 --> 01:01:35,410
Speaker 1: It says this in Matthew, come to me all who

1155
01:01:35,490 --> 01:01:38,810
Speaker 1: are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

1156
01:01:39,750 --> 01:01:49,680
Speaker 1: I have been in cycles, rejection after rejection, after rejection, addiction, depressed, anxious, fearful, people-pleasing,

1157
01:01:50,150 --> 01:01:54,670
Speaker 1: Couldn't sleep, insomnia, suicidal ideations, all these curses within my bloodline.

1158
01:01:55,010 --> 01:01:59,260
Speaker 1: And I've been continuing to go through this cycle. I'm tired.

1159
01:02:00,180 --> 01:02:02,940
Speaker 1: And like, it's just like the breakthrough and the deliverance

1160
01:02:02,980 --> 01:02:06,900
Speaker 1: that we need is really for like God. Like sometimes

1161
01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:10,400
Speaker 1: we have to get to that desperate place. And I

1162
01:02:10,440 --> 01:02:13,940
Speaker 1: just start crying by myself on the rooftop. I am

1163
01:02:14,840 --> 01:02:18,930
Speaker 1: weep like tears, guttural cry. And I'm like, Lord, are

1164
01:02:18,970 --> 01:02:22,520
Speaker 1: you sure? Like, are you sure? Like, he's like, just

1165
01:02:22,560 --> 01:02:25,020
Speaker 1: come to me. Cause I, this is, this is what

1166
01:02:25,040 --> 01:02:28,040
Speaker 1: I tell people. I felt that there was a wall

1167
01:02:28,080 --> 01:02:31,900
Speaker 1: between me and the Lord that I was so dirty.

1168
01:02:32,860 --> 01:02:36,240
Speaker 1: I could not literally come to him. I was, I

1169
01:02:36,300 --> 01:02:38,160
Speaker 1: was unworthy, which.

1170
01:02:38,050 --> 01:02:39,890
Speaker 4: You were like, you were damaged goods.

1171
01:02:40,570 --> 01:02:44,290
Speaker 1: I was damaged goods. I was like, God, like, I

1172
01:02:44,390 --> 01:02:47,210
Speaker 1: feel like you hate me. I can't come to you. Like, I, like,

1173
01:02:47,270 --> 01:02:49,730
Speaker 1: I want help, but like, I don't know how. all

1174
01:02:49,770 --> 01:02:53,510
Speaker 1: this condemnation, shame, and guilt, which is so crazy and

1175
01:02:53,610 --> 01:02:56,500
Speaker 1: so stupid. And we hate the devil. He tempts you

1176
01:02:56,540 --> 01:02:59,360
Speaker 1: to do the thing. And then he guilt strip you

1177
01:02:59,500 --> 01:03:03,280
Speaker 1: and gaslights you for the thing that you suggested anyway.

1178
01:03:03,700 --> 01:03:09,380
Speaker 1: So I, I just like was so in awe of

1179
01:03:09,460 --> 01:03:12,710
Speaker 1: the grace of God. I was like, wow, I can

1180
01:03:12,730 --> 01:03:14,610
Speaker 1: just come to you. You're like, don't worry about all

1181
01:03:14,650 --> 01:03:16,910
Speaker 1: that stuff. We'll figure out the gay thing later. We'll

1182
01:03:16,930 --> 01:03:20,440
Speaker 1: figure it out. And I'm like, okay. And like, I'm

1183
01:03:20,460 --> 01:03:23,320
Speaker 1: getting myself together, going back to work. And I made

1184
01:03:23,360 --> 01:03:26,880
Speaker 1: a commitment. I said, Lord, if you heal me, you

1185
01:03:26,920 --> 01:03:29,820
Speaker 1: can have me. I said, Lord, like if you show

1186
01:03:29,890 --> 01:03:32,270
Speaker 1: me that you're real, if you show me that you're true,

1187
01:03:32,290 --> 01:03:34,330
Speaker 1: if you show me that like you can heal me,

1188
01:03:35,510 --> 01:03:40,670
Speaker 1: like you can have me. Said that in January, 2023.

1189
01:03:40,670 --> 01:03:44,080
Speaker 1: And I don't know what happened. Like a fire lit

1190
01:03:44,120 --> 01:03:47,460
Speaker 1: within me. I still have my first Bible, which is

1191
01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:50,540
Speaker 1: a recovery Bible attached to the 12 steps. I got

1192
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:53,120
Speaker 1: it because I was in the recovery program with my

1193
01:03:53,200 --> 01:03:56,140
Speaker 1: church and I was learning through the Bible and the

1194
01:03:56,180 --> 01:03:59,820
Speaker 1: recovery program about how good God was. I was learning

1195
01:03:59,840 --> 01:04:03,150
Speaker 1: about his character and his nature and that he loved me.

1196
01:04:03,830 --> 01:04:08,310
Speaker 1: The second scripture that changed my life is Matthew 3, 17.

1197
01:04:08,310 --> 01:04:12,350
Speaker 1: This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.

1198
01:04:12,590 --> 01:04:16,170
Speaker 1: This is what God says to Jesus. As he's being baptized,

1199
01:04:16,610 --> 01:04:19,390
Speaker 1: the heavens open. John the Baptist is there. We even

1200
01:04:19,430 --> 01:04:23,910
Speaker 1: have a crowd. The audible voice of God says to Jesus,

1201
01:04:23,990 --> 01:04:27,860
Speaker 1: being baptized, Holy Spirit comes in, descends like a dove,

1202
01:04:29,060 --> 01:04:34,040
Speaker 1: falls upon Jesus, empowers him, anoints him. But before Jesus

1203
01:04:34,140 --> 01:04:40,630
Speaker 1: does anything, he is affirmed by Father God. And the

1204
01:04:40,690 --> 01:04:45,040
Speaker 1: revelation hit me. God literally just loves me because he

1205
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:48,700
Speaker 1: loves me. Because he's good and he loves me. And

1206
01:04:48,740 --> 01:04:50,960
Speaker 1: I don't have to do anything to earn his love.

1207
01:04:51,300 --> 01:04:55,840
Speaker 1: I don't have to prove anything. Jesus Christ himself literally

1208
01:04:55,900 --> 01:04:58,880
Speaker 1: did not do anything and was affirmed by the Lord.

1209
01:05:00,180 --> 01:05:03,760
Speaker 1: What was Jesus doing? He was respecting and honoring his parents.

1210
01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:07,740
Speaker 1: He got lost one time. Then he came back. But

1211
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,980
Speaker 1: he was doing the dishes. He was doing all the

1212
01:05:10,040 --> 01:05:12,010
Speaker 1: things like a regular person was.

1213
01:05:12,030 --> 01:05:12,820
Speaker 4: He was mowing the lawn.

1214
01:05:13,550 --> 01:05:17,510
Speaker 1: He was mowing the lawn and then he was affirmed

1215
01:05:17,550 --> 01:05:20,010
Speaker 1: by the Lord before he did anything. What does that

1216
01:05:20,070 --> 01:05:23,090
Speaker 1: mean for us? You don't have to do anything for

1217
01:05:23,130 --> 01:05:27,070
Speaker 1: the Lord. My whole life has been a performance. I've

1218
01:05:27,090 --> 01:05:30,610
Speaker 1: been striving. I've been independently trying to figure out how

1219
01:05:30,630 --> 01:05:32,430
Speaker 1: to do my life. I was raised through a single

1220
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,510
Speaker 1: parent household. I had to learn how to do things

1221
01:05:34,630 --> 01:05:36,430
Speaker 1: on my own. I had to learn how to be

1222
01:05:36,470 --> 01:05:39,060
Speaker 1: a performer. And for the first time in my life,

1223
01:05:39,460 --> 01:05:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm really genuinely knowing that God actually doesn't hate me.

1224
01:05:43,420 --> 01:05:46,280
Speaker 1: He's formed me and he's loved me since the foundations

1225
01:05:46,340 --> 01:05:48,760
Speaker 1: of the earth. He formed me in my mother's wound.

1226
01:05:49,020 --> 01:05:51,160
Speaker 1: He loved me so much. If you're hearing this, he

1227
01:05:51,220 --> 01:05:54,300
Speaker 1: loves you so much before any sin that I committed.

1228
01:05:54,540 --> 01:05:57,020
Speaker 1: And then after any sin that I committed, he still

1229
01:05:57,080 --> 01:05:59,780
Speaker 1: loves me and still chooses me. I have people who

1230
01:05:59,820 --> 01:06:02,840
Speaker 1: rejected me because of, you know, something that they didn't

1231
01:06:02,900 --> 01:06:06,780
Speaker 1: like or, or a certain response or how I was

1232
01:06:06,860 --> 01:06:12,610
Speaker 1: or position or whatever. And this God, continues to stay

1233
01:06:12,710 --> 01:06:15,450
Speaker 1: and be with me and has affirmed me I don't

1234
01:06:15,510 --> 01:06:19,090
Speaker 1: need any other approval it just blew my mind and

1235
01:06:19,130 --> 01:06:22,980
Speaker 1: he comes to give me rest my whole life has

1236
01:06:23,020 --> 01:06:27,080
Speaker 1: been independent and now I'm in New York and I

1237
01:06:27,120 --> 01:06:28,920
Speaker 1: think I was New York before New York even though

1238
01:06:28,940 --> 01:06:31,040
Speaker 1: I was in Georgia I just had this weird like

1239
01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:35,860
Speaker 1: go go hustle hustle hustle and here Jesus comes hey

1240
01:06:36,680 --> 01:06:43,730
Speaker 1: let's sit whoa mind blowing So blowing. And it was

1241
01:06:43,830 --> 01:06:47,350
Speaker 1: so beautiful. And there was this fire. I feel like

1242
01:06:47,370 --> 01:06:51,490
Speaker 1: I attended my church. I started confessing. I started repenting, renouncing,

1243
01:06:51,850 --> 01:06:54,930
Speaker 1: breaking agreements, being filled with the Holy Spirit, being filled

1244
01:06:54,970 --> 01:06:59,740
Speaker 1: with his giftings, and having this hunger to read scripture.

1245
01:07:00,720 --> 01:07:05,260
Speaker 1: I was reading my Bible. And you know what was crazy?

1246
01:07:05,300 --> 01:07:07,540
Speaker 1: Looking back now, I think this was such a beautiful blessing,

1247
01:07:07,600 --> 01:07:09,760
Speaker 1: even though it did not feel that at the time.

1248
01:07:10,290 --> 01:07:12,390
Speaker 1: Like literally three, four months later, after I had that

1249
01:07:12,450 --> 01:07:15,210
Speaker 1: January prayer, I got furloughed from my job working at

1250
01:07:15,230 --> 01:07:18,010
Speaker 1: the tech company because the tech company hired too many people.

1251
01:07:18,070 --> 01:07:20,280
Speaker 1: It was a startup tech company. They did not, could

1252
01:07:20,340 --> 01:07:22,820
Speaker 1: not have the funds. And so I'm like, oh, great.

1253
01:07:22,980 --> 01:07:26,180
Speaker 1: I truly surrender and give my life to Jesus. And

1254
01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:30,460
Speaker 1: now I'm unemployed. So I'm like, all right, Lord, I

1255
01:07:30,480 --> 01:07:33,480
Speaker 1: guess I'm just going to read the Bible. I would literally,

1256
01:07:33,500 --> 01:07:35,940
Speaker 1: I will wake up. We're going to read the Bible today.

1257
01:07:36,380 --> 01:07:39,550
Speaker 1: Chapters after chapters, really going through it. I will go

1258
01:07:39,590 --> 01:07:43,570
Speaker 1: to the park. with a blanket, have a good old time. Blanket,

1259
01:07:44,100 --> 01:07:47,840
Speaker 1: some snacks, reading the Bible with a nice view, just

1260
01:07:48,020 --> 01:07:51,720
Speaker 1: reading the Bible. And for those who are hearing, I

1261
01:07:51,920 --> 01:07:54,060
Speaker 1: don't know where they are, but like to get to

1262
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,320
Speaker 1: know someone, you have to have a conversation with them.

1263
01:07:56,340 --> 01:07:58,970
Speaker 1: You have to commune with them, communicate with them. When

1264
01:07:58,990 --> 01:08:01,510
Speaker 1: you're reading the Bible, you're communing with the Lord. You're

1265
01:08:01,570 --> 01:08:05,070
Speaker 1: knowing what he likes, what he dislikes. You're knowing like

1266
01:08:05,450 --> 01:08:07,810
Speaker 1: what delights him. And it's you because you are a

1267
01:08:07,830 --> 01:08:11,420
Speaker 1: human being made in his image. And I'm just like,

1268
01:08:12,480 --> 01:08:15,280
Speaker 1: I'm like literally falling in love and I'm still in

1269
01:08:15,340 --> 01:08:18,600
Speaker 1: love and learning how to like continue to continue to

1270
01:08:18,740 --> 01:08:21,559
Speaker 1: be in love with the Lord. But like that 2023

1271
01:08:21,560 --> 01:08:26,400
Speaker 1: was just like beautiful. And so I was good. I

1272
01:08:26,420 --> 01:08:28,000
Speaker 1: was chilling with the Lord. I was chilling with my

1273
01:08:28,040 --> 01:08:32,860
Speaker 1: church community. And then the Lord at the latter or

1274
01:08:32,939 --> 01:08:34,650
Speaker 1: the second half of 2023, he was like, I just

1275
01:08:34,670 --> 01:08:37,410
Speaker 1: want you to share your testimony. I'm like, sir, like

1276
01:08:37,530 --> 01:08:40,270
Speaker 1: I'm still in the process of Like, what are you

1277
01:08:41,860 --> 01:08:44,520
Speaker 1: talking about? I was like, I just got here. What

1278
01:08:44,800 --> 01:08:49,260
Speaker 1: are we doing? And so I opened up a TikTok account,

1279
01:08:49,300 --> 01:08:51,720
Speaker 1: which I didn't have. I hated TikTok. I was like,

1280
01:08:51,740 --> 01:08:55,110
Speaker 1: we got too many apps. I just got used to

1281
01:08:55,170 --> 01:08:59,050
Speaker 1: Instagram because everybody who's a little older, no shade to

1282
01:08:59,070 --> 01:09:01,059
Speaker 1: the older folks. We love you. Everybody older is on

1283
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:02,960
Speaker 1: the Facebook and now the new folks are on Instagram.

1284
01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:05,060
Speaker 1: And then now we got this other thing called TikTok.

1285
01:09:05,080 --> 01:09:08,180
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want another platform. However, the

1286
01:09:08,200 --> 01:09:11,939
Speaker 1: Lord was like, open up a TikTok and start sharing.

1287
01:09:13,290 --> 01:09:15,930
Speaker 1: So I was obedient. Open up the TikTok. And then

1288
01:09:15,950 --> 01:09:19,970
Speaker 1: I started making like funny faith videos. The Lord was like,

1289
01:09:19,979 --> 01:09:25,230
Speaker 1: that's not what I told you to do. And I said, oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

1290
01:09:25,250 --> 01:09:26,309
Speaker 4: I said, oh.

1291
01:09:27,050 --> 01:09:31,630
Speaker 1: I was just so nervous. But the boldness came over

1292
01:09:31,689 --> 01:09:33,450
Speaker 1: me where I was just simply just sharing. I was

1293
01:09:33,470 --> 01:09:36,890
Speaker 1: just sharing where I'm at. I shared one video that

1294
01:09:36,930 --> 01:09:40,080
Speaker 1: did okay. I shared it on Instagram as well. Everyone

1295
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:44,200
Speaker 1: was excited. People at church, wow, yes, we love it.

1296
01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:47,240
Speaker 1: But then I started to make a shorter kind of

1297
01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:52,680
Speaker 1: transformational video testimony video that I post on TikTok, that

1298
01:09:52,700 --> 01:09:55,980
Speaker 1: goes viral. I post another video that also goes viral.

1299
01:09:57,060 --> 01:10:00,100
Speaker 1: And now people are following me. Things are growing. And

1300
01:10:00,120 --> 01:10:03,099
Speaker 1: I'm like, what is happening? And it's just been this

1301
01:10:03,140 --> 01:10:05,910
Speaker 1: thing of this constant with content as a form of like,

1302
01:10:05,970 --> 01:10:09,150
Speaker 1: I would say like digital evangelism. And this is like literally,

1303
01:10:09,330 --> 01:10:11,870
Speaker 1: you know, what you do as well, Beckett, just continuing

1304
01:10:12,370 --> 01:10:15,210
Speaker 1: to share and share the heart of Christ to people.

1305
01:10:15,900 --> 01:10:18,879
Speaker 1: And like for me, like I was saying earlier off screen,

1306
01:10:19,060 --> 01:10:22,280
Speaker 1: like I've just been so authentic and transparent, but you know,

1307
01:10:22,360 --> 01:10:23,900
Speaker 1: not too much. So I don't want to vomit off

1308
01:10:23,930 --> 01:10:26,070
Speaker 1: the mouth or talk about things that I haven't overcome,

1309
01:10:26,530 --> 01:10:29,490
Speaker 1: but the Lord has just brought people to listen. And

1310
01:10:29,530 --> 01:10:33,469
Speaker 1: it's just been such a crazy whirlwind from 2023, seeing

1311
01:10:33,590 --> 01:10:36,639
Speaker 1: all of that happen. And then leading up to 2024,

1312
01:10:36,640 --> 01:10:40,360
Speaker 1: when I get another job, which I'm grateful for, because

1313
01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:43,000
Speaker 1: it had been a while. I'm like, all right, Lord,

1314
01:10:43,020 --> 01:10:44,260
Speaker 1: it's just me and you and the Bible. I said,

1315
01:10:44,280 --> 01:10:47,890
Speaker 1: this is great. But The savings have now run out.

1316
01:10:48,890 --> 01:10:51,570
Speaker 1: Where were we going? You know? And I get that

1317
01:10:51,630 --> 01:10:55,610
Speaker 1: job in 2024. And then I'm, I'm just being myself.

1318
01:10:55,830 --> 01:10:57,610
Speaker 1: I'm like, like, y'all, do you know about the Lord?

1319
01:10:57,630 --> 01:11:00,510
Speaker 1: And like, I'm just like, I'm, it's just, it's just

1320
01:11:00,689 --> 01:11:03,599
Speaker 1: overflowing out of you. It's not me. Like I, I

1321
01:11:03,680 --> 01:11:06,939
Speaker 1: am telling the gay coworker about Jesus. Like, well, this is,

1322
01:11:06,960 --> 01:11:09,480
Speaker 1: you know, this is what the Lord is saying, et cetera.

1323
01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:13,680
Speaker 1: You know? And, but just being really kind and encouraging and, Um,

1324
01:11:14,040 --> 01:11:17,979
Speaker 1: one of my other supervisors, he was like a really atheist. And,

1325
01:11:18,020 --> 01:11:20,879
Speaker 1: you know, at one point I was doing a fast

1326
01:11:20,979 --> 01:11:23,000
Speaker 1: with my church. We were doing a corporate fast together.

1327
01:11:23,020 --> 01:11:25,350
Speaker 1: He's like, oh, why, why are you not eating? I

1328
01:11:25,360 --> 01:11:28,290
Speaker 1: wasn't eating meat. Why are you not eating meat? I'm like,

1329
01:11:28,610 --> 01:11:30,750
Speaker 1: you know, we're doing this corporate fast about the Lord. Oh,

1330
01:11:30,810 --> 01:11:34,349
Speaker 1: the Lord. Oh God. Then ask it. Didn't want no

1331
01:11:34,470 --> 01:11:37,549
Speaker 1: single thing about me. Now asking 50 million questions about God.

1332
01:11:38,050 --> 01:11:40,830
Speaker 1: And the evidence for, and I'm like, and I'm not shaken.

1333
01:11:40,850 --> 01:11:43,269
Speaker 1: I'm like, what you gonna say? There's definitely a lot

1334
01:11:43,290 --> 01:11:45,970
Speaker 1: of evidence for Jesus Christ. I said, have you read Josephus?

1335
01:11:46,270 --> 01:11:52,130
Speaker 1: Have you read Tacitus? Those actual non-Christian sources. I said,

1336
01:11:52,170 --> 01:11:57,160
Speaker 1: those are non-Christian sources that talk about the resurrection in Jesus' time.

1337
01:11:57,479 --> 01:11:59,979
Speaker 1: I said, hey, you go read those. And at the time,

1338
01:12:00,020 --> 01:12:03,140
Speaker 1: I hadn't read those. And I'm like, I don't need

1339
01:12:03,160 --> 01:12:06,100
Speaker 1: to read them right now. I've read the Bible front

1340
01:12:06,140 --> 01:12:08,830
Speaker 1: to back. And I've read other things. And I've read,

1341
01:12:08,850 --> 01:12:11,470
Speaker 1: I also just want to say as we're here, I've

1342
01:12:11,530 --> 01:12:14,900
Speaker 1: read Beckett Cook's book. I've read Gay Girl and the

1343
01:12:14,939 --> 01:12:19,780
Speaker 1: Good God. I've read Dr. Rosario. I've read Holy Sexuality

1344
01:12:19,800 --> 01:12:22,760
Speaker 1: with Dr. Christopher Yuan. I literally have all these books here.

1345
01:12:23,860 --> 01:12:27,760
Speaker 1: Don't play with me. I literally have them all here. Literally.

1346
01:12:28,120 --> 01:12:28,620
Speaker 4: I love it.

1347
01:12:29,720 --> 01:12:31,860
Speaker 1: When I tell you, I was like, I'm going to

1348
01:12:31,880 --> 01:12:34,590
Speaker 1: figure out this gay thing. I want to really figure

1349
01:12:34,650 --> 01:12:39,070
Speaker 1: out what every argument, what every side, what's going on.

1350
01:12:39,150 --> 01:12:41,510
Speaker 1: I really want to take my time to work through it.

1351
01:12:41,830 --> 01:12:43,950
Speaker 1: And it was really just for me. It wasn't for

1352
01:12:43,990 --> 01:12:46,770
Speaker 1: me to, like, do something or, like, have a platform.

1353
01:12:47,090 --> 01:12:49,190
Speaker 1: I think as the platform grew, I was like, all right, like,

1354
01:12:49,250 --> 01:12:51,810
Speaker 1: let me just double check, you know, a lot of

1355
01:12:51,850 --> 01:12:54,790
Speaker 1: the things. But, like, my mission was, like, I'm not

1356
01:12:54,890 --> 01:12:57,530
Speaker 1: someone who was like, let me do this thing for

1357
01:12:57,550 --> 01:12:59,590
Speaker 1: the Lord where I have this platform or let me,

1358
01:12:59,630 --> 01:13:01,470
Speaker 1: because we're living in a day and age where people

1359
01:13:01,490 --> 01:13:03,290
Speaker 1: are like, I want the followers and I want to

1360
01:13:03,330 --> 01:13:04,710
Speaker 1: do this or I want to do this free preaching.

1361
01:13:04,750 --> 01:13:08,110
Speaker 1: I'm like, Richard wanted to be home and eat and

1362
01:13:08,150 --> 01:13:11,350
Speaker 1: go to sleep. Richard did. I was not trying to

1363
01:13:11,370 --> 01:13:15,110
Speaker 1: like be on TikTok and have a platform. And then

1364
01:13:15,270 --> 01:13:17,260
Speaker 1: even with that, like the Lord has had to do

1365
01:13:17,310 --> 01:13:20,080
Speaker 1: like work in my heart and continuing to humble me

1366
01:13:20,140 --> 01:13:22,560
Speaker 1: and things of that nature and just grow me and

1367
01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:26,439
Speaker 1: mature me. But like that, none of what has transpired

1368
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:30,269
Speaker 1: was my goal. I literally, I literally wanted to know God.

1369
01:13:32,830 --> 01:13:35,890
Speaker 1: And if he was good and like why he loves

1370
01:13:35,950 --> 01:13:39,849
Speaker 1: me and what was going on and like, how do

1371
01:13:39,870 --> 01:13:43,450
Speaker 1: we get to this new testament of grace in Jesus

1372
01:13:43,510 --> 01:13:46,730
Speaker 1: and thank God for Jesus and reading these books? Like

1373
01:13:46,850 --> 01:13:50,640
Speaker 1: I really wanted to know. And now here we are.

1374
01:13:51,640 --> 01:13:54,280
Speaker 1: So that's where we are today. Wow. Okay.

1375
01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:56,479
Speaker 4: That's amazing. Praise God.

1376
01:13:56,500 --> 01:13:59,580
Speaker 3: I just want to read one verse because you, back

1377
01:13:59,620 --> 01:14:02,420
Speaker 3: when you were mentioning you, you know, kind of having

1378
01:14:02,460 --> 01:14:05,620
Speaker 3: to perform and you felt like you couldn't come to God.

1379
01:14:05,700 --> 01:14:08,380
Speaker 3: There was like, you were too damaged or whatever. I

1380
01:14:08,400 --> 01:14:12,019
Speaker 3: just want to read Romans five, verse eight.

1381
01:14:12,850 --> 01:14:13,349
Speaker 1: Oh, so good.

1382
01:14:13,390 --> 01:14:16,030
Speaker 3: This is such a pivotal verse for people who are

1383
01:14:16,070 --> 01:14:19,090
Speaker 3: watching and think that they can't come to Jesus because

1384
01:14:19,150 --> 01:14:22,630
Speaker 3: like of their past or their present or whatever. But

1385
01:14:22,689 --> 01:14:25,400
Speaker 3: God shows his love for us in that while we

1386
01:14:25,439 --> 01:14:30,520
Speaker 3: were still sinners, Christ died for us. So while we

1387
01:14:30,540 --> 01:14:31,740
Speaker 3: were sinners, Christ died for us.

1388
01:14:32,760 --> 01:14:33,679
Speaker 1: While we were sinners.

1389
01:14:34,240 --> 01:14:38,439
Speaker 4: Yeah. So come to Jesus. Come to him because he

1390
01:14:38,479 --> 01:14:41,740
Speaker 4: will give you rest and he will give you eternal life.

1391
01:14:43,740 --> 01:14:49,700
Speaker 3: Richard, so what is redemption? Talk about the ministry this

1392
01:14:49,840 --> 01:14:50,840
Speaker 3: is right now.

1393
01:14:50,939 --> 01:14:51,500
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1394
01:14:52,320 --> 01:14:57,280
Speaker 1: So things have continued to just grow online. And I

1395
01:14:57,300 --> 01:15:00,380
Speaker 1: feel like now I've been like the... go to Richard.

1396
01:15:00,420 --> 01:15:05,470
Speaker 1: He knows what to say about Christian and homosexuality, the

1397
01:15:05,530 --> 01:15:10,210
Speaker 1: homosexuality apologetics. And I'm like, Oh Lord have mercy. Um, so,

1398
01:15:10,310 --> 01:15:12,970
Speaker 1: you know, I've just, I've just sharing online. I've, you know,

1399
01:15:13,370 --> 01:15:15,689
Speaker 1: brought even some courses to help people, I guess, with

1400
01:15:15,740 --> 01:15:18,139
Speaker 1: like how to defend the faith and apologetics like that,

1401
01:15:18,620 --> 01:15:21,719
Speaker 1: which is all connected, um, on my stand store. Um,

1402
01:15:21,979 --> 01:15:24,660
Speaker 1: but like the podcast that I was starting to do,

1403
01:15:24,740 --> 01:15:27,620
Speaker 1: like a lot of people kept coming to ask, like

1404
01:15:27,700 --> 01:15:31,299
Speaker 1: questions and also to like find community. So the podcast

1405
01:15:31,340 --> 01:15:35,200
Speaker 1: shifted into Redemption Ministries last year into this year. And

1406
01:15:35,300 --> 01:15:38,840
Speaker 1: so it'll be a nonprofit that's obviously primarily focusing on

1407
01:15:38,880 --> 01:15:41,990
Speaker 1: preaching the gospel, helping people be equipped when it comes

1408
01:15:42,010 --> 01:15:45,150
Speaker 1: to the homosexuality topic. And our heart and our goal

1409
01:15:45,189 --> 01:15:47,330
Speaker 1: is to even go into churches and church spaces and

1410
01:15:47,350 --> 01:15:51,490
Speaker 1: communities to really help equip them. It's just getting started.

1411
01:15:51,570 --> 01:15:56,110
Speaker 1: So we'll probably be like official official soon, like maybe

1412
01:15:56,210 --> 01:16:00,060
Speaker 1: in like a month. a month or two. And I

1413
01:16:00,360 --> 01:16:03,900
Speaker 1: have a Discord community as well. So if anyone is

1414
01:16:03,920 --> 01:16:07,280
Speaker 1: looking to plug in, because sometimes people really don't have

1415
01:16:07,360 --> 01:16:10,120
Speaker 1: community or connection with where they are, or maybe their journey,

1416
01:16:10,160 --> 01:16:13,470
Speaker 1: they're in this weird wilderness or in between. And so

1417
01:16:13,490 --> 01:16:16,470
Speaker 1: my pastors have been so great of just cheering me

1418
01:16:16,770 --> 01:16:19,710
Speaker 1: on and then helping me navigate what this looks like

1419
01:16:19,750 --> 01:16:23,350
Speaker 1: to help people. Because my pastor, he always says like,

1420
01:16:24,090 --> 01:16:26,190
Speaker 1: There's going to be a time where you can say

1421
01:16:26,229 --> 01:16:29,230
Speaker 1: something that I can't say. The way that I'm sharing

1422
01:16:29,330 --> 01:16:32,870
Speaker 1: Jesus is going to be different. And I think also

1423
01:16:32,970 --> 01:16:37,229
Speaker 1: coming from the lifestyle and struggling with same-sex attraction gives

1424
01:16:37,510 --> 01:16:39,950
Speaker 1: us authority. It gives us weight in the spirit for

1425
01:16:39,990 --> 01:16:44,070
Speaker 1: us to talk about these things. So Redemption Ministries is here.

1426
01:16:44,970 --> 01:16:48,610
Speaker 1: You can email me at redemptionministries at gmail.com for any

1427
01:16:48,650 --> 01:16:52,839
Speaker 1: information or connection or booking. And then we have the discord,

1428
01:16:52,900 --> 01:16:56,970
Speaker 1: which is called the redeemed family. So yeah, I'm sure

1429
01:16:56,990 --> 01:16:59,490
Speaker 1: you'll find all that. Yeah.

1430
01:16:59,510 --> 01:17:02,130
Speaker 3: We'll link to that below. But yeah, we're going to

1431
01:17:02,170 --> 01:17:05,090
Speaker 3: leave it there now for now. Thank you, Richard, for

1432
01:17:05,130 --> 01:17:05,439
Speaker 3: coming on.

1433
01:17:05,450 --> 01:17:06,769
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me.

1434
01:17:07,010 --> 01:17:08,400
Speaker 4: Praise God for his mercy.

1435
01:17:09,160 --> 01:17:10,500
Speaker 1: Yeah. Can we say a prayer?

1436
01:17:11,160 --> 01:17:11,420
Speaker 4: Yes.

1437
01:17:11,680 --> 01:17:16,180
Speaker 1: Say a prayer. I know we prayed earlier. I just,

1438
01:17:16,439 --> 01:17:18,460
Speaker 1: just in case if anyone's watching, I always also think

1439
01:17:18,500 --> 01:17:21,479
Speaker 1: about someone on the other side of the screen. I

1440
01:17:21,500 --> 01:17:25,259
Speaker 1: just wanted to pray and even pray. You spoke about Romans.

1441
01:17:25,860 --> 01:17:28,800
Speaker 1: Romans is such a great book. Apostle Paul does such

1442
01:17:28,840 --> 01:17:32,590
Speaker 1: a great job of unpacking in Romans what it's like

1443
01:17:32,620 --> 01:17:34,849
Speaker 1: to be filled with the Spirit and to follow God

1444
01:17:35,270 --> 01:17:39,270
Speaker 1: through the Holy Spirit and be obedient to the Lord.

1445
01:17:39,890 --> 01:17:43,850
Speaker 1: Specifically in Romans 7 and 8, it talks about the

1446
01:17:43,890 --> 01:17:47,940
Speaker 1: sinful nature, right? My idea of following God was thinking that, like,

1447
01:17:48,450 --> 01:17:50,139
Speaker 1: I'm not doing a good job because I'm not being

1448
01:17:50,189 --> 01:17:52,900
Speaker 1: obedient to God. But if I have a fallen nature

1449
01:17:53,180 --> 01:17:56,140
Speaker 1: and I've been sinful, and if my spirit has not

1450
01:17:56,160 --> 01:17:58,700
Speaker 1: been filled with the Holy Spirit, how can I really

1451
01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:01,540
Speaker 1: obey the law? So I needed God to obey God.

1452
01:18:01,939 --> 01:18:05,479
Speaker 1: You need the Holy Spirit to be empowered to say

1453
01:18:05,620 --> 01:18:08,700
Speaker 1: no to your temptations. Because even as you said in

1454
01:18:08,729 --> 01:18:11,389
Speaker 1: your book, Beckett, it's important to pick up your cross

1455
01:18:11,530 --> 01:18:15,250
Speaker 1: and follow Jesus. That's what Jesus did. You even talked

1456
01:18:15,290 --> 01:18:19,800
Speaker 1: about Esau. You don't want to give up. the eternal salvation,

1457
01:18:19,900 --> 01:18:24,510
Speaker 1: eternal life over just, you know, a single meal here

1458
01:18:24,550 --> 01:18:27,810
Speaker 1: on earth, you know? So I just want to encourage

1459
01:18:27,950 --> 01:18:32,250
Speaker 1: anyone listening, like the Holy Spirit is so important and vital.

1460
01:18:32,630 --> 01:18:34,689
Speaker 1: You have to get a chance to know the Lord,

1461
01:18:34,790 --> 01:18:37,320
Speaker 1: read your Bible, get plugged into a church community, be

1462
01:18:37,340 --> 01:18:38,540
Speaker 1: empowered by the Holy Spirit.

1463
01:18:38,580 --> 01:18:38,760
Speaker 3: Why?

1464
01:18:38,800 --> 01:18:40,860
Speaker 1: Because the Holy Spirit, one of the fruit of the

1465
01:18:40,900 --> 01:18:47,720
Speaker 1: Holy Spirit is self-control. Richard had no self-control before the

1466
01:18:47,780 --> 01:18:52,599
Speaker 1: encounter with the Lord, with God. Like none. So you're like,

1467
01:18:52,700 --> 01:18:55,580
Speaker 1: I don't have self-control. Yeah, you need the Lord. He

1468
01:18:55,620 --> 01:18:57,930
Speaker 1: gives it to you. And so I just want to

1469
01:18:57,970 --> 01:19:00,210
Speaker 1: pray into that. So Father God, I just thank you

1470
01:19:00,229 --> 01:19:03,050
Speaker 1: so much, Lord, that forever who's listening, I pray that

1471
01:19:03,070 --> 01:19:06,310
Speaker 1: they would be filled with encouragement that you love them. God,

1472
01:19:06,410 --> 01:19:09,990
Speaker 1: it says in your word in Isaiah that... I know

1473
01:19:10,030 --> 01:19:12,929
Speaker 1: you and that you are mine. I thank you, Lord,

1474
01:19:13,070 --> 01:19:16,189
Speaker 1: that you are bringing back your children just as a

1475
01:19:16,310 --> 01:19:19,799
Speaker 1: hen is bringing their chicks back into their arms. I pray, God,

1476
01:19:19,840 --> 01:19:22,019
Speaker 1: that you would just touch them and just know that

1477
01:19:22,040 --> 01:19:24,980
Speaker 1: they are not damaged goods. I pray that they, oh,

1478
01:19:25,540 --> 01:19:27,580
Speaker 1: come on. Not a voice note in the middle of

1479
01:19:27,600 --> 01:19:30,500
Speaker 1: the call. Let's exit that. All right. We're going to

1480
01:19:30,660 --> 01:19:37,870
Speaker 1: get back to Jesus name. Oh, someone's calling me. All right.

1481
01:19:38,540 --> 01:19:41,740
Speaker 1: We thank you, Lord, that you're with us during all

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01:19:41,760 --> 01:19:43,880
Speaker 1: of these things that happen because you are a God

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01:19:43,960 --> 01:19:46,930
Speaker 1: that never leaves us or forsake us. So I thank you, Lord,

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01:19:46,950 --> 01:19:49,370
Speaker 1: that you are even there with them, even through trials

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01:19:49,410 --> 01:19:52,930
Speaker 1: and tribulations, God, that you will help them know that

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01:19:52,950 --> 01:19:54,910
Speaker 1: in order to obey you, that they need you. And

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01:19:54,930 --> 01:19:57,610
Speaker 1: we pray that this conversation would go deep inside of

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01:19:57,650 --> 01:20:00,020
Speaker 1: their hearts. And we pray, Lord, that you would convict

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01:20:00,080 --> 01:20:03,240
Speaker 1: them and help them continue to see you as holy,

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01:20:03,620 --> 01:20:06,790
Speaker 1: as righteous, and as good because you love them. You

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01:20:06,990 --> 01:20:09,930
Speaker 1: love them so much. And we thank you, Lord, in

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01:20:10,170 --> 01:20:11,570
Speaker 1: Jesus name. Amen.

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01:20:12,410 --> 01:20:15,230
Speaker 4: Amen. Thank you.

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01:20:16,290 --> 01:20:18,130
Speaker 1: All right, Beckett. Thank you so much.

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01:20:18,590 --> 01:20:21,330
Speaker 4: Wait, don't touch that dial. Please like and subscribe.

1496
01:20:21,689 --> 01:20:25,670
Speaker 3: And also please consider becoming a patron on Patreon for

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01:20:25,729 --> 01:20:27,690
Speaker 3: as little as $ 5 a month. You can really help

1498
01:20:27,750 --> 01:20:30,350
Speaker 3: us out on the show. The link is below and

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01:20:30,910 --> 01:20:32,620
Speaker 3: we so, so appreciate it.

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01:20:32,650 --> 01:20:32,950
Speaker 4: Thank you.

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01:20:36,370 --> 01:20:38,729
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening to this episode of The Beckett

1502
01:20:38,750 --> 01:20:44,080
Speaker 2: Cook Show. Your support makes this content possible. All episodes

1503
01:20:44,120 --> 01:20:46,960
Speaker 2: of The Beckett Cook Show are also available on YouTube.

1504
01:20:48,140 --> 01:20:51,300
Speaker 2: For more information about Beckett and his ministry, visit his

1505
01:20:51,340 --> 01:20:53,400
Speaker 2: website at beckettcook.com.

1506
01:20:54,760 --> 01:20:56,650
Speaker 3: Thank you to the team at Life Audio for their

1507
01:20:56,660 --> 01:20:59,950
Speaker 3: partnership with us. If you go to lifeaudio.com, you will

1508
01:20:59,970 --> 01:21:04,070
Speaker 3: find more faith-centered podcasts about prayer, Bible study, parenting, and more.