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Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Niki Bush.

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Speaker 1: I mean, yes, o conor Niki.

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Speaker 2: We're going to speak to Nikki Bush, who is our

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Speaker 2: resident human potential and parenting expert helping children understand the

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Speaker 2: difference between an event and the process. We'll talk about

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Speaker 2: that powerful concept which Nikki reckons actually can change you know,

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Speaker 2: how children face challenges, building resilience and how they grow

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Speaker 2: really understanding the difference between an event itself and the

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Speaker 2: process getting to that event. Quite often, in fact, experts

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Speaker 2: will say kids focus only on the outcomes the test score,

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Speaker 2: for example, the win, the failure at the end of

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Speaker 2: the entire process, without actually realizing that the real growth

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Speaker 2: happens in the process. And so in this feature today

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Speaker 2: we'll be exploring how parents are your teachers, the caregivers

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Speaker 2: I can actually help young minds shift their focus from

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Speaker 2: instant results in focusing rather on long term learning and effort.

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Speaker 2: Joining us on Zoom this morning is Nicky Bush, again

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Speaker 2: our resident human potential and parenting experts. Nikki are very

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Speaker 2: good morning to you, or is a pleasure to have

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Speaker 2: you on seven or two.

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Speaker 1: Good morning, Niko Kanya.

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Speaker 2: Let's start first with the difference between event and process.

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Speaker 2: It seems quite straightforward, But speak to me when we're

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Speaker 2: speaking about the event itself versus the process of getting

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Speaker 2: to the event.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, such a good question, because I think even adults

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Speaker 3: can get this so wrong themselves. So let's start with

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Speaker 3: a very simple example of somebody gets married.

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Speaker 1: So there's a wedding. The wedding is the event on the.

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Speaker 3: Day, it takes half a day, and then we move

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Speaker 3: into the process of marriage. And the process of marriage

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Speaker 3: lasts as long as the marriage will last. So the

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Speaker 3: process is working together to create a good relationship, building

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Speaker 3: a family, whatever it is, and it takes a lot

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Speaker 3: of hard work. So often, and I love the wedding example.

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Speaker 3: Look how much effort and energy and focus goes into

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Speaker 3: the event, especially from the female side of things. There's

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Speaker 3: such an obsession with that day, with those few hours,

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Speaker 3: with that dress, with that backdrop, with those photographs, with

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Speaker 3: that food and those flowers, and it's incredibly stressful. When

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Speaker 3: you look at brides to be, I always think there's

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Speaker 3: far too much focus on the actual event. What we

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Speaker 3: really need to be focusing on is the process. Because

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Speaker 3: the process is living with the decision. So that's the wedding,

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Speaker 3: the marriage. Okay, let's take the next one. We decide

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Speaker 3: to have children, and it's such a kind of a

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Speaker 3: romantic notion that we're going to start a family, But

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Speaker 3: the practical implementation of being a family, of living with

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Speaker 3: this baby that you've now produced, is a whole lot

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Speaker 3: of other of different of hard work. And in the

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Speaker 3: in between the hard work, there are these beautiful moments.

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Speaker 3: But the beautiful moments are underpinned by a lot of

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Speaker 3: effort and a lot of give. And it's the same

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Speaker 3: in a marriage, a lot of effort, a lot of give,

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Speaker 3: a lot of compromise, a lot of learning, a lot

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Speaker 3: of learning how to be together. And it's the same

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Speaker 3: when you go and get your first job. And in

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Speaker 3: every one of these examples that I'm giving Naka kanya,

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Speaker 3: we become a beginner once again. So with every new

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Speaker 3: job you have in your life, you're a beginner. And

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Speaker 3: so having a beginner's mindset. And in business, they talk about,

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Speaker 3: you know, having a startup mindset. When you start up

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Speaker 3: a business, it takes an enormous amount of energy and

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Speaker 3: effort and process to make that startup successful. And even

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Speaker 3: in big corporates today, they are enabling startups within the

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Speaker 3: business because of the beginner's mindset, mentality of being hungry

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Speaker 3: to learn, of being open to new opportunities.

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Speaker 1: It's so important.

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Speaker 3: So now I've just sketched three examples that when we

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Speaker 3: reach adulthood, we tend to climb into those buckets those experiences.

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Speaker 1: Let's look at children.

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Speaker 3: So with children, they've got these very clearly defined phases of.

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Speaker 1: School.

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Speaker 3: For example, so we go to preschool, then we go

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Speaker 3: to primary school, then we go to high school, and

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Speaker 3: after that you might go on to some kind of

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Speaker 3: tertiary education, whether it's university or some kind of vocational training.

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Speaker 3: In every one of those ages and stages, as much

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Speaker 3: as you take your knowledge and experience with you, you.

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Speaker 1: Become a beginner again.

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Speaker 3: And it's being okay teaching kids that it's okay that

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Speaker 3: in every new beginning you might feel nervous, you might

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Speaker 3: feel like you're starting from scratch, you might feel unconfident,

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Speaker 3: you might feel a little bit underprepared, and you know what,

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Speaker 3: over time, as you practice being in this new space,

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Speaker 3: as you practice the skills, it's the same as taking

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Speaker 3: a new subject. You know, when you get into high school,

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Speaker 3: you can take subjects you didn't have in primary school.

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Speaker 3: But we all start at the beginning. So this beginner's

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Speaker 3: mindset is really important and acknowledging the event of graduating

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Speaker 3: from preschool, of finishing primary school, of matriculating, of graduating

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Speaker 3: from university is an ending. It's an event that marks

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Speaker 3: a moment in time. It's also an ending, and it's

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Speaker 3: a new beginning.

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Speaker 1: So we go through these.

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Speaker 3: Cycles of life, and I think it's really important that

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Speaker 3: children understand.

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Speaker 2: That do you reckon that when you do go through

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Speaker 2: that process with them, it impacts their self esteem or

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Speaker 2: motivation in terms of doing a particular task, whatever it

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Speaker 2: may be.

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Speaker 3: Of course it does, but this is how we build

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Speaker 3: the muscle of resilience. So your children start something new,

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Speaker 3: whether it's ballet or karate, or tennis or soccer, or

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Speaker 3: starting in a new grade, for example, and it's daunting,

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Speaker 3: of course, it's daunting because you've never been here before.

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Speaker 3: But what we have to teach kids is that the

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Speaker 3: process of doing, of doing the subject of learning, zoo

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Speaker 3: of learning, maths of learning, social sciences of learning, how

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Speaker 3: to be in high school, of learning, how to be

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Speaker 3: a student in university, that process actually builds your confidence

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Speaker 3: all over again, and it builds a broader base of resilience.

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Speaker 3: And resilience is a muscle, and the more resilient you are,

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Speaker 3: the more adaptable and flexible you will be to start

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Speaker 3: new things in your life to be for example, in

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Speaker 3: the workplace right now, think about AI coming into the

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Speaker 3: workplace and maybe replacing a job. So as AI becomes

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Speaker 3: more prevalent. When you're in a business, you might be

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Speaker 3: redeployed into a different part of the business, into a

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Speaker 3: job you are not hired to do. How resilient and

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Speaker 3: flexible and adaptable are you?

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Speaker 1: And all these years.

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Speaker 3: Of being at school and starting again in new classes

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Speaker 3: and starting new subjects and creating new friendship groups and

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Speaker 3: trying new extramural activities and maybe if you move down,

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Speaker 3: starting in a new place completely, all of these things

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Speaker 3: are not necessarily easy, but you are just you adapt

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Speaker 3: and you accommodate, and this starts forming this bedrock of resilience,

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Speaker 3: which is a good thing. And actually every human being

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Speaker 3: goes through it over and over again throughout their lifetime.

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Speaker 1: So when your kids come home and they are they

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Speaker 1: were so hard, or I feel so.

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Speaker 3: Stupid, it's part of the process of learning how to

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Speaker 3: how to dig deep and how to commit to something.

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Speaker 3: And then of course you're let's talk about a delayed

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Speaker 3: gratification versus instant gratification.

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Speaker 2: How do you sit them down, Nikki in trying to

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Speaker 2: teach them all of this, How do you then sit

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Speaker 2: them down in tea teach them how to value effort?

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Speaker 2: What are the sort of conversations that as a parent

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Speaker 2: you have to have with your child. So when they

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Speaker 2: come home and they say, oh, I got an A

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Speaker 2: or an F on a spelling test for example, or

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Speaker 2: a maths test, how do you set them down and say, well,

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Speaker 2: you know, this is how you should be approaching it.

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Speaker 2: This is what you should be looking at it at,

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Speaker 2: not just the outcome, but the process.

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Speaker 1: How do you have that conversation?

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Speaker 3: So when you do chat to your children, of course,

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Speaker 3: use your own examples. They love real life examples because

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Speaker 3: sometimes you know, things can be too abstract and they

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Speaker 3: can't quite grasp it. So real life examples could be

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Speaker 3: about your own life. Real life examples could be about

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Speaker 3: right now, let's look at the news of the moment,

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Speaker 3: Taylor Swift's engagement. Now, you know, our kids might look

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Speaker 3: at Taylor Swift, for example, and go Oh wow, would

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Speaker 3: be amazing to be a singer like that and earn

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Speaker 3: all that money and be so popular. But you know what,

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Speaker 3: that doesn't happen in a vacuum. We don't see the

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Speaker 3: behind the scenes work that a Taylor Swift has to do,

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Speaker 3: for example, or take a top sportsman. Take a Springbok

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Speaker 3: rugby player, or a Protears cricketer, or a BaFin, a bfin,

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Speaker 3: a soccer player. The things we don't see because our

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Speaker 3: kids are very used to watching highlight reels and seeing

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Speaker 3: the high points on social media of somebody's life. They

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Speaker 3: don't see the messy business behind it, the hard work,

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Speaker 3: the dedication, you know, the the the the the interior

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Speaker 3: cruciate cruciate ligament repair that had to happen on the

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Speaker 3: rugby player's knee that knocked them out of the sport

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Speaker 3: for eight months, and the grit and determination and the

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Speaker 3: pain that they had to go through to get through

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Speaker 3: that to get back on the field, and the doubt

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Speaker 3: and the fear you know of will I ever be

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Speaker 3: okay again to play? Or take for example, you know,

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Speaker 3: a singer like Taylor Swift. Although the practice, the vocals,

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Speaker 3: the working with a coach, the mindset that you've got

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Speaker 3: to have to operate at that level. These setbacks when

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Speaker 3: she has a cold or flu, and how scary that

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Speaker 3: is when you lose the use of your voice and

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Speaker 3: you've been booked for ten concerts. You know, it's to

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Speaker 3: talk to them about things like that, that nobody becomes

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Speaker 3: successful without the baby steps, and so when you're taking

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Speaker 3: your child through a process of you know, becoming better

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Speaker 3: at a subject or doing better at a particular sport,

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Speaker 3: it's to break it down into its baby steps. That

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Speaker 3: you can't run before you walk. You can't expect to

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Speaker 3: do well unless you put in a lot of practice.

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Speaker 3: Of course, we can talk about the fact that we

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Speaker 3: have inherent natural strengths be born with talents, but the

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Speaker 3: thing is that anybody who has remained successful over time

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Speaker 3: isn't successful by pure luck and talent being born with something.

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Speaker 3: They actually have to work it. Everybody has to work

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Speaker 3: at something to get good at it, or to stay

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Speaker 3: good at it, or to level up with it. And

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Speaker 3: that's the kind of conversation we need to have with

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Speaker 3: our kids. And a really nice, easy example would be

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Speaker 3: learning how to drive a car. The first time you

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Speaker 3: drive a car, well, I mean you know, if you're

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Speaker 3: driving a manual car, it's going to conquer out on

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Speaker 3: you many times because you didn't get the clutch and

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Speaker 3: the break and the accelerator timed right. And it's with

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Speaker 3: practice that it becomes automatic. But then to stay good

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Speaker 3: at what you do, you've got to add extra you know,

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Speaker 3: extra skills and extra layers to get ahead in life.

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Speaker 3: So we must always be committed to our learning.

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Speaker 2: Journey, above and beyond having those conversations Niki, sitting down

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Speaker 2: with them and giving them examples, like you tailors with

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Speaker 2: example that you made, or the you know, the examples,

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Speaker 2: especially with the older kids, perhaps about marriage and the

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Speaker 2: process and it's not just the event and the day

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Speaker 2: itself when the wedding happens, but the process leading up towards.

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Speaker 2: How do parents how do you reckon? You know, parents

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Speaker 2: leading by example contribute to part of that so that

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Speaker 2: you're not all talk, but there's action toward as well,

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Speaker 2: so they're learning by example.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think with parents what happens is that life

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Speaker 3: gives you teachable moments.

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Speaker 1: So in your job, it.

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Speaker 3: Might be that you're in retail and there's a big

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Speaker 3: store opening coming up and you're involved with that, and

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Speaker 3: what you're going to find is there's going to be

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Speaker 3: the odd night you're not going to be able to

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Speaker 3: come home and put your kids to bed, and it's

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Speaker 3: going to be the other parents job to do that

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Speaker 3: because mama dad is on a deadline. And so there

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Speaker 3: are certain sacrifices that have to be made with any

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Speaker 3: kind of job commitment or success and compromises, you know,

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Speaker 3: whether it's marriage or whether it's a job. And so

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Speaker 3: you're going to have to explain to your kids, you

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Speaker 3: know that big you know store opening that I'm involved with.

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Speaker 3: It's coming soon, and in the next two weeks, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to be working some late nights because even if

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Speaker 3: you're not on the shop floor, even if you're in

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Speaker 3: head office, I promise you you're going to be on

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Speaker 3: the floor and packing goods, making sure that shop is ready.

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Speaker 1: You're going to be doing what you might not normally

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Speaker 1: do on.

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Speaker 3: An everyday basis, because the team has to pull together

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Speaker 3: and pull it off. So your kids need to see

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Speaker 3: you doing things like that or hear you doing things

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Speaker 3: like that, and then celebrating the opening of the store,

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Speaker 3: and take your kids to the store and walk them

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Speaker 3: through the store and show them how neat and tidy

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Speaker 3: it is and how beautifully laid out it is. But

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Speaker 3: you know what, look how important the lighting is in

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Speaker 3: this store. And lighting wasn't something you were involved in.

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Speaker 3: But how so many people come together to make success

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Speaker 3: happen is a very important concept and something that I

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Speaker 3: was talking about.

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Speaker 1: With the corporate this week.

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Speaker 3: I was doing a leadership presentation and it was about

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Speaker 3: from delivery to impact.

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Speaker 1: And that's actually what.

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Speaker 3: Prompted this conversation with you this morning, is that we

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Speaker 3: were talking about the fact that you know, parents will often,

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Speaker 3: you know, pick somebody they know to ask if their

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Speaker 3: child can job shadow you. And whenever I get asked

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Speaker 3: by somebody, can my child job shadow you? And it's

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Speaker 3: because the parent looks at me and goes, oh, wow,

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Speaker 3: Nikki does this amazing thing. And my child maybe has

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Speaker 3: some potential to be a writer or to be a

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Speaker 3: speaker or something like that. And I say, with absolute pleasure,

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Speaker 3: but you know what, your child is going to be

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Speaker 3: incredibly bored and very disappointed. And that's because luck with you, Knako, Kanye,

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Speaker 3: being on air constitutes only ten to twenty percent of

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Speaker 3: your job. That's the sexy part that everybody sees. People

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Speaker 3: don't see you behind the scenes, whether it's in the

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Speaker 3: newsroom or whether it's researching for the show that you're

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Speaker 3: going to be doing, whether it's learning an intro or

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Speaker 3: an outro by heart.

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Speaker 1: Whether it's you know, a lot of what we do.

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Speaker 3: The eighty percent, the Iceberg effect is that people only

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Speaker 3: see the sexy in public what's attractive about your job.

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Speaker 3: But it's the eighty percent of the hard graft and

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Speaker 3: the grind that underpins that that enables the fun part.

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Speaker 3: And so is really opportunity dressed up in overalls. And

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Speaker 3: what kids don't see when they look at somebody like

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Speaker 3: a Taylor Swift is the eighty percent that underpins the

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Speaker 3: twenty percent. And so it is about helping kids understand

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Speaker 3: that that there's a lot of hard work behind success,

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Speaker 3: and it's the hard work that people don't see and

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Speaker 3: might not acknowledge you for that actually lays the foundations

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Speaker 3: for the twenty percent of the job that you're going

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Speaker 3: to love. And this is true of every single job,

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Speaker 3: whether you're in human resources, whether you run a business,

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Speaker 3: whether you are selling vehicles. Take a vehicle salesman, a

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Speaker 3: car salesman, how many cars do they sell in a

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Speaker 3: year a handful. How many conversations sales conversations do they

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Speaker 3: have to have with potential customers to make the handful

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Speaker 3: of sales in the year to earn their commission?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, quite a bit.

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Speaker 3: It's a lot of hard work, a lot of hard

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Speaker 3: work that comes to nothing. And then I always say,

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Speaker 3: and this is my most my latest example. You know,

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Speaker 3: when I'm an entrepreneur, so I run my own business,

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Speaker 3: and I don't earn unless I'm out there marketing myself,

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Speaker 3: closing deals. And actually, every time I stand up in

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Speaker 3: front of an audience, that's my best marketing opportunity. So

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Speaker 3: so doing the twenty percent that I really love is

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Speaker 3: also my best marketing opportunity. And my twenty five year

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Speaker 3: old son says to me, he's a landscape architect, but

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Speaker 3: he's also very has got a real entrepreneurial mindset, always

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Speaker 3: thinking of what he could build as a business beyond

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Speaker 3: what he does. And he often says, you know, Mum,

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Speaker 3: I'm listening to all these podcasts and they talk about how,

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Speaker 3: you know, entrepreneurs have to endure a lot of pain

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Speaker 3: and experience a lot of failure, and he said, I

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Speaker 3: need to start failing more. It's such an interesting conversation.

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Speaker 3: I said to him, Well, look at me, just look

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Speaker 3: at me, Look at your mother. The entrepreneur understand that

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Speaker 3: I lose more than I win.

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Speaker 1: I fail every day.

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Speaker 3: Because I don't win every single conversation, sales conversation. I

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Speaker 3: have more people knock on my door. Can you do

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Speaker 3: work for us? We'd love to work with you. And

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Speaker 3: I don't always get the business because maybe I'm not

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Speaker 3: the right foot when it boils down to having that

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Speaker 3: conversation with them about what they really need, and then

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Speaker 3: I pass the work on to somebody else who's a

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Speaker 3: better fit. Or maybe I'm too expensive out of their ballpark,

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Speaker 3: or maybe they're out of town and they don't want

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Speaker 3: to pay travel expenses on top of my feet.

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Speaker 1: It could be anything. It could be absolutely anything.

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Speaker 3: And of course I'm experienced enough to know when to

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Speaker 3: walk away from something that's not a good fit for me.

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Speaker 3: So these are real life conversations that we need to

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Speaker 3: have with our kids to prep them for the kind

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Speaker 3: of mindset they're going to need when they move into

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Speaker 3: the world of work, the world of adult relationships, and

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Speaker 3: you know what you're going to land up in an

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Speaker 3: office one day. Well, you might not like the person

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Speaker 3: who works on the desk next to you, on the

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Speaker 3: cubicle next to you. Are you going to walk away

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Speaker 3: from the job because of that?

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Speaker 1: This is real life, Nikka.

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Speaker 2: Just briefly speak to me about the long term benefits

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Speaker 2: just in closing of raising children who are able to

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Speaker 2: focus on the process itself rather than the result.

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Speaker 3: Just very briefly, please, Yeah, So being able to stick

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Speaker 3: with something so stickability, confidence because you saw it through

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Speaker 3: building that I can, I am, I will. Mentality comes

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Speaker 3: off delaying, gratification, committing to the process, getting to the

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Speaker 3: end of it, being able to look back and go,

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Speaker 3: look what I learned through this process. Helping children to

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Speaker 3: persist and persevere. You know, these are really important life

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Speaker 3: skills that we acquire when we go through the process,

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Speaker 3: knowing that we're going to get to a high point

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Speaker 3: and then we're going to start again, and that's life.

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Speaker 2: We also just had a WhatsApp text as we close,

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Speaker 2: good morning, you're Nikki. You're such a great teacher. I'm

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Speaker 2: a teacher myself and I'm learning a lot from you.

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Speaker 1: That debauch.

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Speaker 2: We of course, just had our resident Human Potential and

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Speaker 2: Parenting expert Nikki Bush speaking about how we can get

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Speaker 2: our children to get from a place where they're not

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Speaker 2: too focused on the result itself, but understanding the process

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Speaker 2: and the importance of the process. Growing from that, understanding

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Speaker 2: that you know, and getting value out of that