1 00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:06,040 Speaker 1: Seven o two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicki Bush. 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:10,039 Speaker 2: Eleven minutes after eight o'clock, time for us to talk parenting. 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,319 Speaker 2: And you may have heard us on the show talk 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:17,520 Speaker 2: about the idea of suicide hour, that perilous time at 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 2: the end of the day where everyone's just tired, cranky, hungry, 6 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,239 Speaker 2: but there's still stuff to be done, and that can 7 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:29,040 Speaker 2: be a very difficult time for parents and caregivers. So 8 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,600 Speaker 2: this morning we are talking about how to shift what 9 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 2: can be a difficult time and actually use it as 10 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:41,839 Speaker 2: a moment to connect with your kids. And as always 11 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 2: been joined by a resident parenting and human potential expert, 12 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 2: Niki Bush. Nikki, good morning, or is a great pleasure 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 2: to have you on the show, Niki? Not sure what's 14 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,880 Speaker 2: happening with Niki. 15 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 1: Nikki? 16 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 3: Good morning, Good morning girls, you are here. 17 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,039 Speaker 4: I am and only just I've worken up with laryngitis, 18 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,360 Speaker 4: So you're gonna get the low. 19 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:12,679 Speaker 3: Sexy voice this morning. 20 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:14,759 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for. 21 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,400 Speaker 4: Actually, I'll tell you something, a low voice with children 22 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:25,560 Speaker 4: is much better than a high, squeaky, naggy voice. Actually 23 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,279 Speaker 4: take you far more seriously if you drop the level 24 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:31,840 Speaker 4: of your voice and the tone of your voice. And 25 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:34,679 Speaker 4: so while we're talking about suicide hour, this is the 26 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,559 Speaker 4: time of the day to use the low voice. 27 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,840 Speaker 2: Right, So when we speak about suicide our nikki, what 28 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 2: are we talking about? 29 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,960 Speaker 1: When does this happen? And does it happen to all 30 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:46,319 Speaker 1: of us? 31 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,000 Speaker 2: Do we all at some point experience this very difficult 32 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:50,440 Speaker 2: time in. 33 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 3: The day, Yeah, we actually do. 34 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 4: You know, it's the end of the day when all 35 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 4: of our energy levels are low, your energy levels as 36 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 4: a parent. Hello, you've perhaps been working all day. Now 37 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,920 Speaker 4: you come back home to your second job of the day, 38 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,919 Speaker 4: which is going to go on for a fair few hours, 39 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,520 Speaker 4: and you've got to pick yourself up and you know, 40 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 4: pitch yourself in in a different way. And of course 41 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 4: children have had a long day. They've been awake, you know, 42 00:02:20,919 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 4: particularly if they're school going, they've been at school all day. 43 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:27,959 Speaker 4: Maybe they've had extra murals in the afternoon. And even 44 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 4: if it's you know, babies and toddlers, it's really a 45 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 4: time when they've run, their tanks are low. 46 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,840 Speaker 3: You know, they are ready for bedtime. 47 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:44,239 Speaker 4: And if you've got a young child, babies, toddlers, you 48 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 4: know they're going to bed at some time between you know, 49 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,520 Speaker 4: six six thirty and seven, and maybe you are only 50 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 4: getting home at help us five six. So somehow we 51 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 4: have to make the oil and water come together like 52 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 4: a delicious mayonnaise so that everybody goes to bed feeling 53 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 4: good about themselves and feeling good about each other. 54 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,800 Speaker 2: One of the things you've often spoken about are the 55 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 2: things children need from their parents in general, not just 56 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,959 Speaker 2: in suicide hour, but children wanting to feel seen, children 57 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,880 Speaker 2: needing to be fed, and we're necessary, children needing to rest. 58 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,079 Speaker 1: And it feels as though at. 59 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,639 Speaker 2: That point of the day, when we're in suicide our time, 60 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,560 Speaker 2: children are likely to not be getting any of those 61 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 2: three things because it is just such a busy, chaotic time. 62 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:40,120 Speaker 2: So that will also mean kids aren't, you know, feeling 63 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 2: their best and as a result, not behaving their best. 64 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:49,000 Speaker 4: Yeah, so we get caught in the attention game, particularly 65 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 4: at this time of the day. So let's look at 66 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 4: how children show up at this time of the day. 67 00:03:55,760 --> 00:04:00,600 Speaker 4: So we're talking late afternoon, early evening. Children become more demanding, 68 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 4: a needy. They often winge wine and complain more. Now, 69 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 4: remember you're also on an empty tank, so you have 70 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 4: a short fuse. 71 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,680 Speaker 3: If you've got siblings in the car. 72 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,760 Speaker 4: This is highly it's highly likely that this is the 73 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 4: time when they're going to be fighting with each other 74 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 4: on the back seat of the car. Hysteria sometimes lies 75 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,240 Speaker 4: just below the surface for many children. Why because their 76 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 4: ability to self regulate at this time of the day 77 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 4: starts dwindling. 78 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 3: Children who are in the. 79 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,200 Speaker 4: Trolley with their parents in the shops, this is when 80 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 4: you're likely to see a tantrum. The child throws a 81 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 4: tantrum in the middle of the shops. And this is when, 82 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 4: to your point, children will confuse being tired, being hungry, 83 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,119 Speaker 4: and being thirsty, so they can't articulate, especially if they're young, 84 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,560 Speaker 4: whether they're tired, hungry, or thirsty or all three. And 85 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 4: so kids are just not fun to be with at 86 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,680 Speaker 4: this time of the day. And then if you look 87 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,160 Speaker 4: at how parents show up at this time of the day, 88 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,840 Speaker 4: you can also be irritable, snappy, or moody. You've had 89 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:15,120 Speaker 4: a long day. Who knows what's happened at the office. 90 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,920 Speaker 4: And what happens often at this time of the day 91 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:24,040 Speaker 4: is kids might be downloading their day while they're sitting 92 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,840 Speaker 4: in the backseat of the car talking to you, but 93 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,679 Speaker 4: you aren't actually listening you're actually not engaged. Your mind's 94 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:33,919 Speaker 4: in you know, a million different places at once, and 95 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,920 Speaker 4: you get your kids saying, Mommy, you're not listening to me. Daddy, 96 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,400 Speaker 4: you didn't hear what I just said because you haven't responded, 97 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,920 Speaker 4: you know, and parents pretty much go into efficiency mode 98 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:46,640 Speaker 4: at this time. 99 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:46,920 Speaker 3: Of the day. 100 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 4: We've got to get the day done. And just as 101 00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 4: children don't know whether they're tired, hungry, or thirsty, as 102 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,080 Speaker 4: a parent, you might be misreading your child's basic needs, 103 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,279 Speaker 4: so you land up planning them when they're actually just 104 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 4: trying to convey that they're tired, hungry, and thirsty. And 105 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,640 Speaker 4: then we often expect our children to come to the 106 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:15,200 Speaker 4: party instead of taking the initiative and creatively dealing with 107 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,800 Speaker 4: the situation. We've got to remember that we're in charge. 108 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,880 Speaker 4: We're the bos we're the captain of the ship. We 109 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 4: have to guide the ship at this time of the day, 110 00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:30,040 Speaker 4: and what we often default too is driving our children 111 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 4: to a screen of one form or another so that 112 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 4: we don't have to deal with their needs and their demands. 113 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 4: So we get home, we've got to still cook dinner 114 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 4: and our kids what they want most. At this time 115 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 4: of the day, when they haven't been with us. Is 116 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,800 Speaker 4: they want to be in our company. They want to 117 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:55,719 Speaker 4: be in our presence, they want to be in our orbit. 118 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 4: They want to be within arm's length of us so 119 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,920 Speaker 4: that they can and touch us. They want to smell us, 120 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,600 Speaker 4: even though they don't know it. They want to be 121 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 4: close enough to smell us. And what we do is 122 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 4: that we say go away. We give them every signal 123 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 4: we can to tell them to disappear and go and 124 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 4: find something else to do, which is kind of counterintuitive 125 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,480 Speaker 4: to what they actually need. 126 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,080 Speaker 3: Right now. 127 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 4: They're wanting to fill their cup and they want to 128 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 4: fill it with our attention, which is the opposite of 129 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 4: what we. 130 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 3: Want to do. 131 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:37,000 Speaker 4: So now you understand why it turns into an oil 132 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,680 Speaker 4: and water repellent kind of situation. 133 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, so it sounds as though there's a lot happening. 134 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 2: So there's a lot happening with children. Like you said, 135 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,040 Speaker 2: one of the things is they stop being able to 136 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:49,880 Speaker 2: self regulate. For instance, they want connection with their parents, 137 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,680 Speaker 2: but their parents are also going through you know, the 138 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,800 Speaker 2: suicide hours also happening to them, and so it feels 139 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 2: like one of the things that I guess that'd be 140 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:03,080 Speaker 2: good for parents and kids is to even if it's 141 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:06,000 Speaker 2: not a conversation but a moment of going, you know, 142 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 2: I'm tired too. I've also you know, I know how 143 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:12,679 Speaker 2: you feel. You're tired, you're sleepy, you're hungry. I'm also 144 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,480 Speaker 2: feeling that way. But we have a plan. Dinner will 145 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 2: be ready in X amount. Because you often speak about 146 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:21,920 Speaker 2: how children just want to know their parents are on it, 147 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 2: that their parents are fixing the thing, and this feels 148 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,000 Speaker 2: like this is where parents can do that, to say 149 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,400 Speaker 2: I'm aware of all the things that are happening to you, 150 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 2: and here. 151 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: Is the plan. We're going to fix it. 152 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:37,160 Speaker 4: Absolutely so when kids know what the plan is, which 153 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,760 Speaker 4: is why routine is important, they are much calmer. So 154 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,920 Speaker 4: if you're in the car on your way home, you've 155 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:48,120 Speaker 4: just picked your kids up from after care, and that's 156 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 4: when you need to say something like as soon as 157 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:55,760 Speaker 4: we get home, we're all going to take the shopping out. 158 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:59,959 Speaker 3: Of the car, and while I am. 159 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 4: Unpacking the shopping, you are going to unpack your school bags. 160 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 4: You're going to bring your lunch boxes to the kitchen. 161 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:11,719 Speaker 4: And then once I've finished unpacking the shopping, this is 162 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 4: what's for dinner. This is what I'm cooking, and depending 163 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 4: on how old your children are, they may be able 164 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 4: to contribute to to slicing and chopping or grating or 165 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:26,920 Speaker 4: stirring or something. Remember, we can either send them away 166 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 4: and disconnect, and if you put them in front of 167 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:31,120 Speaker 4: a screen, they will behave they will shut up, and 168 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 4: they will stop asking for your attention. And there definitely 169 00:09:34,559 --> 00:09:35,840 Speaker 4: is a time and a place for that. 170 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 3: But if you have enough energy and enough. 171 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,600 Speaker 4: Energy to direct the operation, you can bring your children in. 172 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 4: Be invitational, invite them in, and then it might be, 173 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 4: you know, while this while the while the supper is boiling, 174 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,199 Speaker 4: you're going to have your shower. And then when you've 175 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 4: had your shower and you pajamas will will be ready 176 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 4: and we're going to eat around the table. So children 177 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,080 Speaker 4: do like to know what's happening now, what's happening next, 178 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:14,440 Speaker 4: and what's happening after that. But I think before we 179 00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 4: even get their googs, we need to talk about how 180 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 4: parents can get into the right mind space to shift 181 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 4: gears before they get home to their children. So what 182 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 4: do you do in that transition phase of shifting gears 183 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,560 Speaker 4: on your commute home from the office. If you are 184 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 4: commuting from the office, because this is a transition moment 185 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 4: that if you work from home, you don't get it. 186 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,719 Speaker 4: If you do go to the office, or maybe you're 187 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 4: hybrid and there's two or three days a week when 188 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,680 Speaker 4: you go to the office. On those days when you're 189 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 4: in the car, please reconnect with yourself. You've got to 190 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,199 Speaker 4: kind of shake off the work stuff and you've got 191 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,840 Speaker 4: to start connecting with being a parent. So take a 192 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 4: few deep breaths, listen. Listen to something different than the 193 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,440 Speaker 4: sound of work, whether it's music, whether it's your favorite 194 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:15,000 Speaker 4: radio show or a podcast. Just start getting back into 195 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:19,360 Speaker 4: your body with some shoulder rolls. Some you know, when 196 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 4: there's a red traffic light. You can have ankle rolls 197 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 4: and wrist rolls as a reminder to get back into 198 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,800 Speaker 4: your body. And then make sure that you do not 199 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 4: arrive at a home or arrive at school to collect 200 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 4: your children on empty When last did you drink? When 201 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 4: last did you have something to eat? Maybe you skipped lunch. 202 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,600 Speaker 4: Now if you skipped lunch and you're arriving to fetch 203 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 4: your kids from school or after care sometime around four o'clock, 204 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:54,480 Speaker 4: five o'clock, and you are tired, hungry, and thirsty, you 205 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:58,959 Speaker 4: are going to be the culprit because your children will 206 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 4: sense how low your energy is, and believe you me, 207 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:06,280 Speaker 4: that's when they will climb in and ask for more 208 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:09,960 Speaker 4: of you than you can give. So remember that the 209 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,079 Speaker 4: brain is a very thirsty organ. It's the first organ 210 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:19,400 Speaker 4: to dehydrate, and you will be as ratty and irritable 211 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 4: as your children are if their brains have dehydrated. So 212 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,280 Speaker 4: reconnect with yourself, eat and drink something before you get 213 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,560 Speaker 4: to your kids, and consciously refocus your mind away from 214 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 4: work and to your children. Then when you get to 215 00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 4: your children, you actually need to be excited to see them. 216 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:41,800 Speaker 3: Now. 217 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,920 Speaker 4: Sometimes sometimes you might have to put on a little 218 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 4: bit of an act if you're feeling very empty, but 219 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,880 Speaker 4: you know, get down to their level, give them a hug. 220 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 4: The look on your face when you arrive to fetch 221 00:12:56,360 --> 00:13:00,760 Speaker 4: your children is like a mirror of how you feel inside. 222 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 4: Your kids have extra sensory perception and they are going 223 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:05,840 Speaker 4: to take their. 224 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 3: Cue from you. 225 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,679 Speaker 4: So even if you arrive excited to see your children, 226 00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 4: this does not necessarily mean that they are going to 227 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,840 Speaker 4: be excited to see you. 228 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 3: And this is especially true. Excuse me. 229 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,840 Speaker 4: Of really young children who are still learning how to 230 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 4: self regulate. So we talk about babies and children up 231 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,560 Speaker 4: to about the age of three or four. 232 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 3: They may have been. 233 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 4: Having to protect themselves all day because they are so 234 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 4: attached to you. 235 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,040 Speaker 3: Still they don't. 236 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 4: Know how to self regulate being away from you, So 237 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 4: they put themselves in an ivory tower, and they put 238 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 4: layers and layers of protection on to survive without their 239 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 4: primary caregiver, the person they are attached to the most. 240 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,439 Speaker 4: And then when you arrive back, when you first reappear 241 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 4: after being absent for a full day from them, they 242 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 4: might take it out on you. And so you have 243 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,240 Speaker 4: to be like Rapunzel in the tower. You've got to 244 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 4: be like the prince who's climbing up the tower to 245 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,760 Speaker 4: go and rescue Rapunzel out of that emotional tower that 246 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:27,400 Speaker 4: they've locked themselves into to protect themselves. So don't always 247 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 4: expect your children might be happy to see you. And 248 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 4: that also goes for parents who travel for work. Now, 249 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 4: I intentionally did not travel long distance for work until 250 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 4: my youngest was seven because I understood this concept of 251 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:48,360 Speaker 4: what children do when they lose their primary attachment. You 252 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,440 Speaker 4: have to really work hard when you come home. So 253 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,200 Speaker 4: I'm going to give you something really fun to do 254 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 4: that you can teach your kids from the age of four, 255 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 4: where we can play dead ants. It's a fun thing 256 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 4: to do to break the ice when you come home 257 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 4: from work and you come back into the house and 258 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 4: you can either call dead ants or you can tell 259 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:17,040 Speaker 4: your children they can shout dead ants. What dead ants 260 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 4: means is that everybody has to lie on their back 261 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 4: and pretend like their dead ants dying, like they're just 262 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 4: being sprayed with doom. And they literally have their arms 263 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 4: and their legs in the air, and they're moving their 264 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 4: arms and their legs in the air, but they're lying 265 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,680 Speaker 4: on their backs and they're doing a silent scream. It 266 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 4: is the most hilarious thing to do. I have families 267 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 4: who've heard of this, who have literally done this for 268 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:47,280 Speaker 4: years on end, right into the late primary school, early 269 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 4: teenage years. When dad came home at night, he shouted 270 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 4: dead ants, and the whole family collapsed. And of course, 271 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 4: once you've played dead ants, everyone's laughing. So we're trying 272 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 4: to find some common ground. We're trying to break the tension, 273 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:06,960 Speaker 4: and sometimes we have to be a little bit silly 274 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 4: to break that tension that runs between us. 275 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,720 Speaker 3: And our children, and. 276 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 2: So then at the end of the day, it's sounding 277 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,000 Speaker 2: like one of the big things more important is to 278 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:22,400 Speaker 2: just to create that connection to soothe I guess mainly 279 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 2: your children, but also then to manage this kind of 280 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,480 Speaker 2: last part of the day to you know, it's been 281 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 2: a long day. We're tired, we're cranky, we're hungry, but 282 00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 2: we're going to laugh a little bit. We're all kind 283 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:37,280 Speaker 2: of going to get involved wrapping up this stay by putting, 284 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 2: you know, packing our school bags, taking lunch boxes out 285 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,280 Speaker 2: and kind of so it sounds as if also it's 286 00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:45,680 Speaker 2: a collaborative thing between parents and kids, whereas often I 287 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 2: think for a lot of parents it is what makes 288 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 2: that time so hard is it's just them. 289 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 1: They're feeling like they need. 290 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 2: To do all of this stuff, and kids don't understand 291 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,120 Speaker 2: why they can't pay attention to them in the way 292 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 2: that they weren't whre it's here. It almost sounds as 293 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 2: if you're saying, well, bring your kids in, which allows 294 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 2: you to get done what you need to get done, 295 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,600 Speaker 2: but also maintaining connection with them and giving them their 296 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:09,960 Speaker 2: attention they desperately need. 297 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 4: Exactly so I always say, do not be a slave 298 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 4: to your children. Don't be their servant, don't be their slave. 299 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:21,640 Speaker 4: Rather be invitational, get them into help. They can feed 300 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 4: the dog while you are cutting up the onions for 301 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 4: the spaghetti bolonnaise. They can close curtains. Literally, from the 302 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,159 Speaker 4: age of four, they can be doing these things. And 303 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,399 Speaker 4: as they get older, this is how you pay for 304 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:35,760 Speaker 4: the roof over your head. You get involved in doing 305 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,440 Speaker 4: the chores. So don't shut them out. Be invitational. Don't 306 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,720 Speaker 4: send them off to a screen every time you're cooking dinner, 307 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,479 Speaker 4: because then that becomes the default setting. And the funny 308 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,320 Speaker 4: thing is that a couple of minutes spent creating a 309 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 4: quality connection with your children as you get home, or 310 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 4: even in the car. You know, I'm quite famous for 311 00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:59,879 Speaker 4: the word games and the car games. In the car, 312 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:03,560 Speaker 4: you know, that's quality connection time. When you get home, 313 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 4: if you haven't seen your kids, it might be to 314 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 4: play dead ants, or to wrestle with them on the floor, 315 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,719 Speaker 4: just for a couple of minutes, be silly, have that 316 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,959 Speaker 4: human connection, the touch, the sound, giggle together. It's amazing 317 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,800 Speaker 4: how you can fill your child's cup in just a 318 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,880 Speaker 4: couple of minutes. And once their cup is filled sufficiently, 319 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:29,040 Speaker 4: that emotional cup. They're actually happy to go off and 320 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 4: do the chores or have a shower or do their 321 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,360 Speaker 4: homework because they just got that top up from you. 322 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,840 Speaker 4: If you don't give the top up, I promise you 323 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,120 Speaker 4: in for trouble. They will be back at you so quickly, winging, 324 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:49,879 Speaker 4: whining and complaining. And then don't forget to listen to 325 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:53,200 Speaker 4: your children. I know this is tough, but if you've 326 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 4: got them at the kitchen counter helping to do supper, 327 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:01,119 Speaker 4: migrating the cheese or cutting up soft bags, or if 328 00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:04,679 Speaker 4: they're older, making the meal, you could be doing something 329 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,440 Speaker 4: else while they're actually cooking the meal, because kids are 330 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:12,679 Speaker 4: quite capable. If you show them how, just the banter 331 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 4: and the chit chat, the sound of your voice soothes 332 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:20,439 Speaker 4: your child. At the end of the day, they are 333 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 4: absolutely attracted to your voice, So don't forget that that 334 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:30,399 Speaker 4: emotional connection using voice is priceless. And then of course 335 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:35,000 Speaker 4: you've got something that you can do either before dinner 336 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,520 Speaker 4: after dinner. You could play a quick card game, a 337 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:42,280 Speaker 4: ten minute card game, a ten minute dice game, or 338 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:45,000 Speaker 4: the ritual of playing the Sweets and the Sours game 339 00:19:45,359 --> 00:19:48,159 Speaker 4: around the dinner table where you share the best and 340 00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,679 Speaker 4: the worst times of the day, and you truly listen 341 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:56,600 Speaker 4: without distraction. That's what kids actually look forward to, your 342 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,479 Speaker 4: undistracted time and attention. And that doesn't have to be 343 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 4: three hours worth. It could be fifteen minutes while actually 344 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,880 Speaker 4: eating dinner. That you're truly listening, that you're truly asking 345 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,159 Speaker 4: the questions, and that you're also sharing what kind of 346 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,760 Speaker 4: day you've had as well. 347 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:18,720 Speaker 2: So what's up messages here? Merle says, Hello, ladies, I'm 348 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,360 Speaker 2: seventy eight. I cook in bulk and freeze until required. 349 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 2: If only I had done this when my kids were 350 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,280 Speaker 2: at home and I was working. We have wonderful, hard working, 351 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,119 Speaker 2: polite and generous children, So I guess that about you 352 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,480 Speaker 2: know how to make that suicide hour easier for you 353 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,480 Speaker 2: as well? If you can prepare stuff in advance and 354 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,119 Speaker 2: you're only needing to you know, decant or bake or 355 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,600 Speaker 2: microreve Yeah, that can also help in that space. 356 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,440 Speaker 3: It's such a win. 357 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,680 Speaker 4: If you've done mission control on a Sunday, worked out 358 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 4: the meal plan, possibly cooked two meals on a Sunday, 359 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,960 Speaker 4: put them in the fridge. They're ready for those days 360 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,600 Speaker 4: when you know you are going to be stretched to 361 00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 4: a limit because of extramural activities and your work schedule. 362 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,960 Speaker 2: Tessa says, as a first time involved grandmother, I love 363 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,360 Speaker 2: listening to Nikki Bush. She's so clear, relevant and interesting, 364 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 2: and somehow always manages to find the topic that I'm 365 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:11,119 Speaker 2: thinking about. 366 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: Thank you, miss Bush. That's from Tessa. 367 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 3: Ah, thank you Tessa. And then a. 368 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,760 Speaker 2: Final one which almost feels as if it could be 369 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 2: a topic on its own. Mesa in Pretoria East says, Hi, 370 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,120 Speaker 2: I'm struggling with my eleven year old. 371 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 1: She's moosally most. 372 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,399 Speaker 2: Of the time, snaps at every turn, She's mostly irritable, 373 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,400 Speaker 2: and it's difficult to engage with her. Please give some tips. 374 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 2: That feels you have some conversation. 375 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:42,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, that sounds like a preteen. A tween's starting to 376 00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,919 Speaker 4: get a little bit emotional and hormonal. 377 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 2: Yeah okay, so Mesa, we will look to pick that 378 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 2: up in the future. Nikki has always a great pleasure 379 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 2: having me on the show. Thank you so much for 380 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:52,520 Speaker 2: your time. 381 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:56,040 Speaker 3: Thank you, googs, take can have a great weekend. 382 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,200 Speaker 1: Get well soon. Thank you so much for joining us. 383 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 2: That's our resident human potential and parenting expert Nikki Bosch. 384 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,160 Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in 385 00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,879 Speaker 2: the arts. We start at Tey Greeny with the Hilton 386 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,440 Speaker 2: Arts Festival in Durban. We'll speak to one of the organizers, 387 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 2: Evan Roberts. He'll tell us about this year's festival. Then 388 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,879 Speaker 2: we bring it back to seven oh two Land we 389 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:21,600 Speaker 2: speak to artist, guitarist, composer, author. 390 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,560 Speaker 1: He's a very busy man. 391 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:27,440 Speaker 2: He's just hosted two nights of his annual Mivui Africa concert. 392 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,679 Speaker 2: Now he's getting ready to host the Music Legacy Masterclass 393 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,600 Speaker 2: with Brands South Africa. Billy Monamma is going to join 394 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 2: us to tell us about that Music Legacy Masterclass that's 395 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 2: coming up on the sixth of August. But first it 396 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 2: is a weekend, so lots of sporting action to catch 397 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,879 Speaker 2: up with. Let's chick in with you latest I witness 398 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,000 Speaker 2: you Sport with Marwan de Matza.