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Speaker 1: Of relationship issues relationship talk.

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Speaker 2: On seven two.

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Speaker 1: So on our relationship and sex feature this morning, we

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Speaker 1: are discussing scheduled sex in long term relationships because my friends,

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Speaker 1: For many couples, as you may very well know, the

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Speaker 1: early stages of relationship are filled with spontaneity and excitement. Right,

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Speaker 1: you've experienced that before when you've met someone and the

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Speaker 1: sex happens every day, it happens every week, it happens

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Speaker 1: every second day. But as relationships grow, the dynamics also change. Right,

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Speaker 1: life trends change. You tend to be maybe busier, there's

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Speaker 1: work pressures, we've got children in the house, this financial stress,

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Speaker 1: just the daily responsibilities that can often push intimacy feather

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Speaker 1: down the priority list. I mean, some relationship experts will

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Speaker 1: tell you that one solution that couples are turning to

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Speaker 1: now is scheduled sex. So instead of waiting for intimacy

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Speaker 1: to happen spontaneously, you intentionally set aside time for it

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Speaker 1: in the same way that you would plan for a

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Speaker 1: dinner date or for an important meeting. And for some

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Speaker 1: people that idea feels unromantic and even two mechanical, But

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Speaker 1: other people argue that scheduling intimacy can actually strengthen your

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Speaker 1: connection with your partner, can improve communication, can help you

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Speaker 1: as a couple prioritize that relationship. And I'd like to

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Speaker 1: know from you, from you, if you schedule sex in

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Speaker 1: your relationship, in your marriage, do you schedule it? Do

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Speaker 1: you schedule intimacy? Do you actually say to your partner

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Speaker 1: your spouse that on that Friday it's going down, or

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Speaker 1: every second week it's going down. We have to be intimate,

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Speaker 1: we have to do it. Mhmm. Give us a call

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Speaker 1: on oh one one eight eight three oh seven oh two,

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Speaker 1: or what's ups on oh seven two seven oh two

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Speaker 1: one seven oh two. How do you go about dealing

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Speaker 1: with the changes that come with your intimacy with your

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Speaker 1: partner as a result of just life lifing if there's

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Speaker 1: such a term. Right, you are older, you've got stress,

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Speaker 1: you've got children around the house. So the dynamics influence

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Speaker 1: just the level of intimacy and connection you have with

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Speaker 1: your partner. How do you manage that? Oh one one

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Speaker 1: eight eight three oh seven or two send your WhatsApps

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Speaker 1: as well on oh seven two seven oh two, one

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Speaker 1: seven oh two. Lisa Welsh is sex educator who is

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Speaker 1: gonna guide us through this conversation. Lisa, thank you so

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Speaker 1: much for making time great to chat to you again.

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Speaker 1: Good morning, Good.

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Speaker 3: Morning, Clement. It is great to chat with you as well.

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Speaker 3: And what an interesting topic. I can't wait to hear

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Speaker 3: what people think about this one.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Same, yeah, but I also want to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: How do you define scheduled six because when you mentioned

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Speaker 1: this phrase, a lot of people react with surprise, like,

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Speaker 1: what exactly does that mean in the context of relationship coaching.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, good question.

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Speaker 3: So I would argue that this is quite a romantic

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Speaker 3: thing to do, because think about it. If we think

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Speaker 3: about what is romantic, it is somebody thinking about you,

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Speaker 3: anticipating time with you, planning time together, giving you like

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Speaker 3: prioritized connection time.

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Speaker 4: That's essentially what we're doing.

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Speaker 3: We're not saying at eight pm, we are stripping off

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Speaker 3: and getting it on no excuses. It's not that it

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Speaker 3: is just creating space in our busy schedules. Like you said,

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Speaker 3: we're busy, we've got kids, we've got jobs, we've got

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Speaker 3: so many priorities that it is like an important meeting.

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Speaker 3: Surely your connection time with your partner is as important

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Speaker 3: as you're meeting with your boss or you're meeting with

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Speaker 3: your clients. So it's putting it in the calendar, putting

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Speaker 3: fun and connection time in the calendar, so that intimacy

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Speaker 3: doesn't just get bumped off to next week, next week,

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Speaker 3: next week, next week. That's how I would define it.

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Speaker 1: All right, So it's not like, okay, ad ol clock

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Speaker 1: on Thursday evening, this is what we're doing. Get you know,

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Speaker 1: take off your clothes and it's more intimacy. And it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be penetration that it could be other

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Speaker 1: ways that you just intimately connect with your partner.

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Speaker 3: Exactly. That is exactly it, and that can look different

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Speaker 3: for everybody because we don't know how we're going to

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Speaker 3: feel on Tuesday night at eight pm.

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Speaker 4: Life does happen. Life, Life is.

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Speaker 3: Like you said, and maybe we won't feel like penetration,

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Speaker 3: but maybe we will feel like spooning or massaging or

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Speaker 3: watching a movie together. There are so many different ways

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Speaker 3: we could spend this time. So scheduling sex, yes, but

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Speaker 3: really we're scheduling connection time because sex can have a

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Speaker 3: broad definition. So really it's connection and play. I like

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Speaker 3: to have play in there as well.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's also understand something before we even hear from

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Speaker 1: the listeners if they schedule sex or intimacy with their partners.

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Speaker 1: Why is it, Lisa, that many couples in long term

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Speaker 1: relationships struggle to maintain intimacy over time Because in the beginning,

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Speaker 1: it's all exciting. Sex sometimes happens twice a day, sometimes

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Speaker 1: every second day, because you know, the adrenaline is high,

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Speaker 1: we're so excited about each other. But the longer the

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Speaker 1: relationship goes, and over time that intimacy starts to aid.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, if this is not a sign that the relationship

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Speaker 3: is failing, it's really normal, very common.

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Speaker 4: If you think about it.

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Speaker 3: In those early days, the endorphins and the hormones are

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Speaker 3: going wild, we're very excited. We usually don't have as

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Speaker 3: many commitments to juggle, that's true, and sex is more

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Speaker 3: of a priority. It's really important to us at that

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Speaker 3: stage when we're brand new and we're so excited about

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Speaker 3: one another.

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Speaker 4: So it feels like we're not scheduling it, but.

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Speaker 3: It just is high priority, So we are scheduling it,

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Speaker 3: we are planning for it. Maybe the logistics are not

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Speaker 3: so difficult, there are not children necessarily to organize, and

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Speaker 3: maybe you know, we have to plan to meet up

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Speaker 3: somewhere because we're not living together. So then we make

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Speaker 3: sure we have on the lingerie and the nails are

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Speaker 3: painted and the hair's done right. So we're planning ahead

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Speaker 3: even though it feels so spontaneous. Actually we just are

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Speaker 3: highly motivated to do it in those early stages.

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Speaker 4: So just because that seems to wane, it doesn't mean

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Speaker 4: that there's a problem in the relationship. It is just life.

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Speaker 4: There are other commitments.

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Speaker 3: It is less novel and exciting because as we kind

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Speaker 3: of get used to one another, we know what to expect.

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Speaker 3: Is easy to make an excuse, it's easy to push

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Speaker 3: it back a day or four or ten, and we

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Speaker 3: don't often put in the same amount of effort, so

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Speaker 3: then it's, you know, it's easy to just let it go,

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Speaker 3: especially if sex has become boring on mundane or we're

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Speaker 3: following the same kind of structure every single time. Then

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Speaker 3: it's not so like, oh, got to try this, or

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Speaker 3: what are they gonna do? I can't wait to see

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Speaker 3: how they like this new thing I try, or you know,

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Speaker 3: so we're not putting in as much effort as well

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Speaker 3: often and so it just becomes, you know, something that

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Speaker 3: we get to one day. We know we'll eventually do it. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's not such a priory.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm sure that there's some people listening to us now, Lisa,

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Speaker 1: and they're thinking, oh, but chisuling intimacy actually sounds quite unromantic.

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Speaker 1: You know, there's something exciting about intimacy or sex being spontaneous.

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Speaker 1: So how do you respond to that? So ken planning

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Speaker 1: time together actually increased desire or anticipation between partners or

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Speaker 1: to other people. Doesn't just go oh right, it's that Thursday.

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Speaker 1: Now we have to do this or be this way.

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Speaker 3: So it's brilliant that you're asking that, because yes, some

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Speaker 3: people do think it's so unsexy and they think that

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Speaker 3: there's nothing they'd like rather.

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Speaker 4: Do less than just this date this time.

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Speaker 3: So what I would argue is that yes, it can

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Speaker 3: be romantic and it can be fun, and it can

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Speaker 3: really be a huge benefit because it removes number one,

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Speaker 3: that pressure and rejection. If there's one person always initiating,

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Speaker 3: I'm sure a lot of.

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Speaker 4: The listeners can resonate with this.

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Speaker 3: There's usually one person who's always the one to say, hey,

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Speaker 3: can we get it on tonight, and there's often one

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Speaker 3: saying no, not to stay right, and that is a

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Speaker 3: lot of pressure, and that rejection can cause resentment. It

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Speaker 3: can actually cause a bit of difficulties in long term relationships,

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Speaker 3: and especially when there's a desire discrepancy. This is a

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Speaker 3: way around that because nobody has to initiate. You've got

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Speaker 3: a planned time when you're going to connect, and then

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Speaker 3: you take off the pressure of that connection having to

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Speaker 3: be intercourse. So it just means that both people are

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Speaker 3: prioritizing a space in the calendar to be together, so

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Speaker 3: there's less chasing and rejecting, and there's less you know, dreading,

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Speaker 3: emotional tension and all of that. But it can also

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Speaker 3: increase desire by building anticipation.

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Speaker 4: It's something to look forward to. It's exciting.

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Speaker 3: Maybe you will dig out the underwear from the back

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Speaker 3: of the cupboard, you know, maybe you will try that

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Speaker 3: new toy you've been thinking of, or that bottle of lube,

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Speaker 3: or you know, you've got something to planned for, so

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Speaker 3: you're not just falling into the typical structure of you know, kissing,

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Speaker 3: a bit of fundeling and it kind of follows the

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Speaker 3: same thing.

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Speaker 4: It gives you something to look forward to as well.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, do you think part of The problem is maybe

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Speaker 1: like how sex and intimacy has been portrayed in media,

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Speaker 1: because you know, in the movies that we have always watched,

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Speaker 1: it's never scheduled, like it's spontaneous, which always looks interesting,

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Speaker 1: like you know, my woman comes back from work, you know,

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Speaker 1: or and then husband comes out welcomes her and then

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Speaker 1: they get it on, or someone comes to see you

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Speaker 1: at the office, and like, there are these kind of

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Speaker 1: impressions that sort of the media in the film even

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Speaker 1: like have always portrayed in the drama series. And I

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Speaker 1: wonder if that's part of what has built our expectations,

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Speaker 1: you know, that's why we don't think that actually. In fact,

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Speaker 1: a friend of mine when I was doing prep, I

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Speaker 1: said to me, that's maintenance sex, and I thought, ah,

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Speaker 1: do you have to call it that? But it is

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Speaker 1: actually maintenance sex. When you're scheduling it, you realize that

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Speaker 1: this is something that still builds this relationship. It's part

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Speaker 1: of it's how you actually maintain the relationship. As uncomfortable

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Speaker 1: as that tell me.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, so, yes, you're right. I mean if

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Speaker 3: we could all go and live in a Hollywood movie,

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Speaker 3: that would be great. We would never have to discuss

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Speaker 3: things like reception, you know, like they never talk about that.

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Speaker 3: They just look at each other. There's no consent conversation.

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Speaker 3: They just suddenly both want it at the exact same

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Speaker 3: moment and they're ripping each other's clothes off, and it's great.

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Speaker 4: No child walks in, No one's granny is in the

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Speaker 4: other room. Like it's just not real. These are in reality.

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Speaker 4: It's not always easy to find privacy.

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Speaker 3: It's not always easy to find times when our mestrual

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Speaker 3: cycle is in the right place the way we want

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Speaker 3: to have sex, or you know, there's no work stress

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Speaker 3: looming on the horizon.

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Speaker 4: So yes, in a way, your colleague is right.

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Speaker 3: It is maintenance sex, and there's nothing wrong with that

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Speaker 3: because by having this maintenance sex, whatever that looks like,

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Speaker 3: it actually allows you to build the comfort levels with

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Speaker 3: one another that could lead to more spontaneous sex because

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Speaker 3: the more couples actually cross that bridge and don't leave

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Speaker 3: that tension, that emotional divide, that kind of unspoken like awkwardness.

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Speaker 3: Right when people start to move towards what might be

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Speaker 3: considered a sexless marriage, when they've gone a very long

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Speaker 3: time without having any intimate moments together, it can be

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Speaker 3: very awkward to reach it out again.

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Speaker 4: Like there's so much fear.

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Speaker 3: And you know, especially our bodies are changing, we're aging,

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Speaker 3: and you know, illnesses happen, all of these different things

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Speaker 3: happen to us, and we worry, but.

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Speaker 4: We're all insecure.

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Speaker 3: Nearly all of us in this planet are insecure about

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Speaker 3: how we perform in bed.

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Speaker 4: We want to be good at sex, and.

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Speaker 3: So if we wait for months or weeks or days,

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Speaker 3: you know, we might feel like we're getting rusty, and

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Speaker 3: then that becomes even more difficult.

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Speaker 4: So maintenance sex.

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Speaker 3: Has a place, right You're keeping that connection, You're maintaining that,

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Speaker 3: you know, time together naked, even if it's that's what

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Speaker 3: it is, that touch, that that intimacy, that closeness, that

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Speaker 3: bond can then grow because from there, not only the

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Speaker 3: act itself, but the conversations that arise from that can

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Speaker 3: help to make your sex life better in the long term.

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Speaker 3: You know, you can learn what did you enjoy, what

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Speaker 3: didn't work, what else would you like to try, What

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Speaker 3: can we bring in to really heighten this experience? So yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's important.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Like what you say, spend time together naked, I

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Speaker 1: mean you may think that's weird, but maybe that's what

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Speaker 1: actually brings your guys together. Just chill there naked fully

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Speaker 1: and just embrace each other something. How's the weather today?

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Speaker 1: Actually the weather agrees. Do that with your partner when

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Speaker 1: you get home later today. How about that, watch a

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Speaker 1: movie and be fully naked. Don if you overthink it,

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Speaker 1: Just be fully naked and watch a movie and be warm.

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Speaker 1: Here's an idea for a Friday right one eight eight

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Speaker 1: three h seven oo After the break, I'm gonna go

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Speaker 1: to your cause and your what's up? Have you gone

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Speaker 1: a long time without sex with your spouse, with your partner?

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Speaker 1: How have you navigated that? And have you ever considered

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Speaker 1: maintenance sex? Have you ever considered scheduled sex? Huh? Have

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Speaker 1: you done it? And if you don't think it would

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Speaker 1: work for you, let me know why you think this

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Speaker 1: is probably not something that would work on one one

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Speaker 1: eight eight three oh seven oh two? What's ups?

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Speaker 4: On?

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Speaker 1: Oh seven two seven oh two one seven oh two.

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Speaker 1: It's twenty one after eleven.

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Speaker 4: Relationship issues, relationship talk on seven.

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Speaker 1: O two, twenty four minutes after eleven o'clock. Let's start

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Speaker 1: with your what's up? Voice? Notes on O seven to

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Speaker 1: seven oh two one seven oh two some text coming through.

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Speaker 1: This is James on the WhatsApp line says high Clement,

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Speaker 1: I'm from least. I think it depends on whether it's

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Speaker 1: a long distance relationship or not. If then if it

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Speaker 1: is a long distance relationship, then it's a known fact

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Speaker 1: that when we meet it's going down. Another message just Clement.

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Speaker 1: You know, living in a small house with kids is

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Speaker 1: really hard. We would like to watch movies fully naked,

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Speaker 1: but the kids are there. It's really hard. That's a

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Speaker 1: message from Gaylord from Linn Mayhem. Yeah, sure, Gaylord, I

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Speaker 1: appreciate that. Just sometimes maybe send the kids to be

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Speaker 1: with Granny or Grandad, or to be with uncle or Auntie.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm, send them over there to just even if

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Speaker 1: it's just for a night. They can do a sleep

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Speaker 1: over there. But it's important to be intentional about creating

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Speaker 1: those intimate, intimate moments with your partner.

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Speaker 5: And element.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I very interest interesting.

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Speaker 5: This reminds me of when I was still in college

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Speaker 5: training as a teacher. That must be about foot years back,

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Speaker 5: because I'm sixteen now. I was in my edit twenties day.

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Speaker 5: So there was this guy who will always sear a joke,

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Speaker 5: one of the naughty ones so he shared this joke.

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Speaker 5: He said, there was this couple who for some reason

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Speaker 5: decided that they are going to.

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Speaker 6: Follow a scheduled.

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Speaker 4: Pattern or.

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Speaker 5: Making love. So they decided that they're only going to

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Speaker 5: have sex on days that heaven ry you this spailing so,

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Speaker 5: which means they're only going to have sex on Thursday, Friday,

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Speaker 5: and Saturday. So one Monday, the guy was feeling like it,

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Speaker 5: so he was busy touching the lady and the lady said, no, no, no, no, no,

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Speaker 5: remember love, it's Monday today, we can't do it.

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Speaker 4: And the guy said, no, man, it's Monday.

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Speaker 1: Just what I added are the clemens.

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Speaker 2: I thank you for good choice always. I also had

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Speaker 2: an instance where I struggled to be the one asking

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Speaker 2: all the time and my partner so we say no

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Speaker 2: it was way it was due to the post pregnancy,

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Speaker 2: but then we navigated that well. But now my challenge is,

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Speaker 2: you know, this scheduling thing is not for me because

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Speaker 2: it creates an atmosphere of pressure.

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Speaker 1: When you you feel like you.

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Speaker 2: Subjected to performance at that particular juncture here, maybe you

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Speaker 2: are not really in the very best of space.

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Speaker 1: I find that some level of being.

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Speaker 2: Spontaneous is actually very important because now in the middle

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Speaker 2: of the night, I just want to wake up to

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Speaker 2: someone or thinking is a dream but it's really happening,

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Speaker 2: someone is on top of me, you know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so spontaneous.

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Speaker 2: Being spontaneous is I think, great value when it comes

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Speaker 2: to sex.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, yeah, so and and and and Lisa, I

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Speaker 1: suppose what you were trying to say earlier is don't

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Speaker 1: think of it as we have to do all take

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Speaker 1: of our clothes and then you know there must be penetration. No,

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Speaker 1: think of it as intimacy, because then that's more broad.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you guys are just you know, cuddling on the

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Speaker 1: couch watching some nice, a nice rom com, you know.

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Speaker 1: So that's yeah. So then then you're not under pressure.

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Speaker 1: As you said Lisa earlier. Life happens like I could

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Speaker 1: be stressed on the day, or maybe I'm just not interested.

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Speaker 1: But don't think of it like that. Think of it

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Speaker 1: as just an intimate moment with your partner.

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Speaker 4: Exactly.

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Speaker 3: And I also wanted to say you're allowed spontaneous sex too.

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Speaker 3: Scheduled sex doesn't mean you're not allowed spontaneous sex. If

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Speaker 3: you want to wake up in the middle of the night,

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Speaker 3: that's okay. You can still do that, but yeah, I

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Speaker 3: understand the feeling of pressure. But then you have to

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Speaker 3: be really open with one another about what you're scheduling.

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Speaker 3: You know, it could be a scheduled date where you

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Speaker 3: go out for dinner, or it could be a cuddling

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Speaker 3: on the couch evening, or it could be getting out

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Speaker 3: the whips and chains. You know, you decide what you're scheduling,

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Speaker 3: or you side if maybe you know we've spoken about

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Speaker 3: this before. But having a menu of options, you could

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Speaker 3: have light intimacy options like cuddling and kissing. You could

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Speaker 3: have something a little bit more intense like touching, caressing,

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Speaker 3: you know, oral that kind of thing. Or you could

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Speaker 3: have penetration if you wanted as well. You know, you

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Speaker 3: can choose what things are available because you don't want

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Speaker 3: the case where it's really important for somebody that penetration

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Speaker 3: happens sometimes, but the other person is doing everything in

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Speaker 3: their power.

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Speaker 4: To avoid that.

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Speaker 3: So you need to try to be really open and

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Speaker 3: fair with one another about this, Like what matters to

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Speaker 3: each of you? What can you be available for? How

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Speaker 3: frequently can you make time for this? I mean, there's

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Speaker 3: no wrong or right answer, and there's no set number

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Speaker 3: of times. You know people, I think couples on average

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Speaker 3: have sex about fifty four times a year. That's about

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Speaker 3: once a week. So I feel like once a week.

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Speaker 4: Connection and playtime is realistic for most people.

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Speaker 3: Maybe that you have to bribe the children with a

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Speaker 3: movie or you know, an iPad, or you have to

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Speaker 3: send them off to somebody, or you know, there's ways

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Speaker 3: we can be creative.

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Speaker 4: Be creative because you deserve it.

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Speaker 1: It's eleven thirty Relationship Issues, Relationship Talk.

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Speaker 6: I'm seven o two.

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Speaker 1: It's twenty five minutes before twelve o'clock. We're having an

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Speaker 1: important conversation on our Relationship and Sex feature about scheduled

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Speaker 1: sex in long term relationships, and just a gentle reminder

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Speaker 1: that this is adult radio, so not kids are allowed

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Speaker 1: in this conversation. We're talking about scheduled sex because for

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Speaker 1: many couples, of course, the early stages of a relationship

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Speaker 1: are going to be exciting. You're having sex soever often,

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Speaker 1: but relationships as they grow, life tends to get busier.

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Speaker 1: You've got work, stress, you've got children around the house.

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Speaker 1: There are a lot of dynamics that come into the

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Speaker 1: play which can interrupt the intimacy moments with your power now.

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Speaker 1: But then you've got to understand that sex is part

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Speaker 1: of the way you maintain your marriage, part of the

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Speaker 1: way you maintain your relationship. That's why some people call

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Speaker 1: it maintenance sex. And we're speaking to Lisa Welsh, who's

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Speaker 1: our sex educator, about why it's important to schedule sex

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Speaker 1: and not necessarily that you have to say on a Thursday,

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Speaker 1: then there's going to at nine o'clock, you take off

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Speaker 1: your clothes. There's penetration, but just intimacy, whether you're going

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Speaker 1: to be butt naked with your partner and you're watching

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Speaker 1: a nice drom com and you've sent the kids to

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Speaker 1: be with their grandparents or to go visit their friends

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Speaker 1: and enjoy and you know, a night out with their friends.

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Speaker 1: You know, the point is you're scheduling time to be

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Speaker 1: intimate with your partner. You're scheduling time to connect at

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Speaker 1: an emotional level. Maybe it's date night and you come

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Speaker 1: back and you just watch a beautiful romantic movie. Do

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Speaker 1: you do that? And if you don't, how do you

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Speaker 1: then manage the dynamics that come with life that often

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Speaker 1: interrupt intimacy moments in your relationship or in your marriage.

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Speaker 1: You can give us a call on OH on one

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Speaker 1: eighty three oh seven oh two, or you can send

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Speaker 1: your WhatsApps on oh seven two seven oh two one

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Speaker 1: seven oh two. And if you've been in a long

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Speaker 1: term relationship or marriage and you've had a long time

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Speaker 1: without sex with your partner, how are you navigating that?

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Speaker 1: And is scheduled sex something you would consider? Give us

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Speaker 1: a call. I'll send it. What's up voice note. I've

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Speaker 1: got some messages that have come through here, Lisa, let

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Speaker 1: me read some of them. One person says height Clement.

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Speaker 1: This has actually helped me. I'm an entrepreneur and I'm

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Speaker 1: forever busy and have no time for sex or intimacy

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Speaker 1: until my wife and I started scheduling our intimacy. And

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Speaker 1: we don't just have sex a lot of the time.

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Speaker 1: We have catch up movies, we play games. We have

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Speaker 1: three kids and we put them to bid on time,

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Speaker 1: get a bottle of wine, and just have our time.

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Speaker 1: That's it, Lisa, That's exactly what you were talking about.

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Speaker 4: That's amazing. I love it. Yeah, that's it.

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Speaker 3: You know, as an entrepreneur, you know how important it

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Speaker 3: is to schedule the things that have to get done,

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Speaker 3: the things that are important to you.

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Speaker 4: The things that are building your future right, and so

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Speaker 4: this is important.

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Speaker 3: Your relationship is essential, and the same way you have

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Speaker 3: business maintenance tasks, there are relationship maintenance tasks your marriage

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Speaker 3: or your spouse, your partners. They are important. It's important

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Speaker 3: to us as humans that we have that connection that touch.

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Speaker 3: You know, if you go as deep as to look

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Speaker 3: at the greatest regrets of the dying, it's often that

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Speaker 3: they worked too much, that they didn't take time for

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Speaker 3: the things that were important. It's so easy in the moment,

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Speaker 3: I'm guilty of it, to put work first, to just

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Speaker 3: try and get this thing finished, to just try and

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Speaker 3: you know, do that, do this. The washing needs doing,

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Speaker 3: the dishes are in the sink, the email needs to

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Speaker 3: be sent.

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Speaker 4: But really what is important?

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Speaker 3: Sometimes I think we have to get used to the

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Speaker 3: discomfort of allowing ourselves to do the fun things, the

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Speaker 3: touchy feeling things, the things that feel less important. We

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Speaker 3: have to get used to, like leaving things undone so

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Speaker 3: that we can do those important things. Like I'm talking

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Speaker 3: to myself here because it's really hard to close the

437
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:34,400
Speaker 3: laptop and walk away. Sometimes whereas your family is there,

438
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:37,399
Speaker 3: your partner is there, and they need you, and you

439
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,919
Speaker 3: need them, So you know, it's just remembering that we're humans.

440
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,879
Speaker 3: We need touch, we need that connection, and if you

441
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 3: are lucky enough to have someone special in your.

442
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,879
Speaker 4: Life, then scheduling time with them is really recording start.

443
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, another one on the What's Uplane says good day

444
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,639
Speaker 1: at Leamond. I also have tried to schedule sex with

445
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,680
Speaker 1: my partner, but it didn't work. My husband I just

446
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,760
Speaker 1: wasn't keen on the idea. He thought I was mad.

447
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 1: Let's actually address this, Lisa, because there are people that

448
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:15,560
Speaker 1: are quite rigid in relationships where or marriage is where

449
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:21,360
Speaker 1: they don't want to try out new things. So, I mean,

450
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 1: there's a message that came through, just as an example

451
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,479
Speaker 1: from someone on the WhatsApp line who says, no clement

452
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 1: to me, sex is about penetration after that massage pagatti.

453
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 1: Pagatti in English means inside, meaning it's penetration, so it's

454
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,840
Speaker 1: like someone happening, And this person clearly says that's how

455
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,240
Speaker 1: they have sex with their partner. They massage each other

456
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,359
Speaker 1: and then after that they just go into penetration. And

457
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,360
Speaker 1: if a partner then comes up with a new way

458
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,960
Speaker 1: of doing things and says just romance me like, just

459
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 1: get me to really be in the mood, like tell

460
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,160
Speaker 1: me when I'm still in the office, what you're gonna

461
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,440
Speaker 1: do to me when I get home? And then they think, no,

462
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,400
Speaker 1: that is weird. How important then, is it for couples

463
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,879
Speaker 1: to just be agile, just be interested to try something

464
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,040
Speaker 1: that your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your

465
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:14,400
Speaker 1: partner may just want to try and maybe you don't

466
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,800
Speaker 1: think it's going to work for you, but be open

467
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 1: to the idea.

468
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean those are both very real scenarios. So

469
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,040
Speaker 3: let's just start with the partner who doesn't want to schedule.

470
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,239
Speaker 3: You don't need to tell your partner that you've scheduled, right,

471
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 3: you can make yourself available, make yourself available like, okay,

472
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 3: you know what, Thursday night, I'm going to make sure

473
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,640
Speaker 3: that I'm ready for intimacy however that looks, and then

474
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 3: just initiate with them, knowing that they could say no

475
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,560
Speaker 3: and trying to be okay with that. Or you could

476
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,560
Speaker 3: try and organize a date night. You just organize a

477
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,720
Speaker 3: date night. You're not saying you're scheduling sex, but this

478
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 3: is the time together. Let's go out, Let's do something

479
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 3: fun and make sure there's enough time and space around

480
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,280
Speaker 3: that for intimacy. Those are two ways you can do it,

481
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,480
Speaker 3: and a lot of people don't like to tell their

482
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,560
Speaker 3: partner that they're scheduling sex. But at least it helps somebody,

483
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 3: you know, especially particularly somebody who's new ro divergent for example,

484
00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 3: to be you know, helping themselves to prepare mentally for

485
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,000
Speaker 3: intimacy that they in themselves know Okay, I'm available on

486
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,960
Speaker 3: this night, and then they will initiate. So it doesn't

487
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 3: have to be in agreement necessarily, but that doesn't mean

488
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:26,000
Speaker 3: the person has to say yes. But you are creating

489
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:30,399
Speaker 3: the time, space, logistics, etc. So the second caller who

490
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,680
Speaker 3: was asking or who was saying that they just like

491
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:34,639
Speaker 3: to go to penetration, you know that's the.

492
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:35,560
Speaker 4: Way they like to do it.

493
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 3: Then I want to say everybody's experience and preference is valid, right.

494
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:42,399
Speaker 4: We have different sexual blueprints.

495
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,479
Speaker 3: Some people are more sexual where they want to get

496
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,040
Speaker 3: straight down to the act of penetration.

497
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:50,119
Speaker 4: Some people are more energetic, you know, some people are kinky.

498
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 3: It's really fun to look at go and google your

499
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 3: erotic blueprint. Anybody who's curious. Now, if you are somebody

500
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,480
Speaker 3: who your blueprint is sexual and you want penetration that

501
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 3: has to have happen in order for you to feel satisfied.

502
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,159
Speaker 3: Then you need to have that conversation with your partner

503
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,680
Speaker 3: and be open to their blueprint too. It's okay for

504
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:11,399
Speaker 3: you to say this is how I like it, this

505
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 3: is how I would like it to happen, quite a

506
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,680
Speaker 3: lot and then they get to say, okay, well this

507
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,440
Speaker 3: is how I like it, and this is how I

508
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 3: would like it to happen.

509
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,040
Speaker 4: I mean, yes, I know.

510
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 3: It's difficult to hear I want to try something new

511
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:26,400
Speaker 3: often because we think, well, why does that mean I'm

512
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 3: not good enough?

513
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:30,240
Speaker 4: Does that mean that you have been looking elsewhere? Like

514
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 4: what's going on? Am I not good in bed? Right?

515
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 3: It often comes back down to that I'm not good

516
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 3: in bed. Don't tell me you want something else other

517
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 3: than what I'm giving you, because that makes me feel insecure.

518
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 3: So it's looking at that instead of being insecure. Seeing

519
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,360
Speaker 3: that our lives are short, we each have different preferences,

520
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,640
Speaker 3: we each have different things that we are curious about

521
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:54,040
Speaker 3: and can wouldn't it be wonderful if we could explore

522
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 3: in small ways together that we feel comfortable with. We're

523
00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:01,800
Speaker 3: not saying override consent, but can we have those conversations

524
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 3: where we say what we enjoy together and what we

525
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,760
Speaker 3: would perhaps like to add. It does bring richness, It

526
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 3: keeps novelty, it keeps people interested, It keeps a long

527
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:12,840
Speaker 3: term relationship fresh.

528
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 4: So I'm not saying you have to avoid penetration.

529
00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 3: But if that's how you like it and that's important

530
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 3: to you, then you must understand that perhaps there's something

531
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 3: that could be important.

532
00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 4: To your partner.

533
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,760
Speaker 3: So can we be equals in this and allow those

534
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 3: kinds of conversations that, yes, they might feel difficult, but

535
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 3: if we're big enough to be doing these things, then

536
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 3: we're big enough to be having those awkward conversations.

537
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, how explorative do you think couples have become in

538
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: recent time when it comes to sex, Because, of course,

539
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 1: much of what we do as humans is influenced by

540
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:54,320
Speaker 1: the things we've watched, the things we've been told. And

541
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,600
Speaker 1: I mean, I really did chuckle when I read this

542
00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 1: message from this anonymous underw a blind who says, you know,

543
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 1: we massage each other and then after that it's penetration,

544
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 1: And I'm just thinking, okay, but is that now going

545
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 1: to be your life for the rest of your life,

546
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: Like that's how you're always going to be intimate with

547
00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:17,320
Speaker 1: your partner, Like you're not interested in being explorative and

548
00:30:17,520 --> 00:30:22,120
Speaker 1: trying other ways to excite each other in the bedroom,

549
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:26,600
Speaker 1: or to just try other things other than penetration. What's

550
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 1: your from your observation as a sex educated Lisa in

551
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:34,040
Speaker 1: the coaching you've done, do you think couples are becoming

552
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,920
Speaker 1: more and more explorative or just like it's a just

553
00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 1: one way of doing things for the rest of their

554
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 1: lives and they're okay with that.

555
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:49,160
Speaker 3: I think humans were creatures of habit. I mean, even

556
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 3: with regards to self pleasure, the majority of people have

557
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 3: learned one way when they were young and they do

558
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 3: it the same for the rest of their lives. The

559
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,880
Speaker 3: same with sex. A lot of us, especially in long relationships,

560
00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,080
Speaker 3: we find a structure. It could include message. I mean

561
00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 3: a lot of people don't even include massage.

562
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 7: You know.

563
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,719
Speaker 3: Maybe it could lose a bit of touch, a bit

564
00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 3: of kissing, and then it's straight to penetration and then

565
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:13,600
Speaker 3: usually heat orgasms and it's all over. That is what

566
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,280
Speaker 3: a lot of people are doing over and over again,

567
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 3: and it's okay. That's okay. We celebrate pleasure in any

568
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 3: way it comes. I'm not saying it's wrong, but there

569
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:26,280
Speaker 3: is just so much more available. There's so much pleasure

570
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 3: potential in our bodies. It's not all genital based, right.

571
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 3: There are so many ways we can experienced pleasure together

572
00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:36,880
Speaker 3: and alone, and it's just a shame that a lot

573
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,880
Speaker 3: of people are not curious about trying that.

574
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:41,960
Speaker 4: And I think it has a lot to do with taboo.

575
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,960
Speaker 3: It feels wrong to be investing any time or resources

576
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 3: into learning about how we can increase our pleasure. It

577
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,720
Speaker 3: feels frivolous when there are more serious things happening in

578
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 3: the world. And there are serious things happening in the world,

579
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:58,239
Speaker 3: of course, but pleasure can actually help to fuel us,

580
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:02,920
Speaker 3: to ground us, to settle our nervous system, to create

581
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 3: a bond with our partner.

582
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 4: And so luckily we have things like fifty Shades of Gray, which,

583
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 4: while it had.

584
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 3: Its own issues, opens other conversations. And so there are

585
00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:16,200
Speaker 3: lots of people in the world that are trying different things.

586
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 3: That doesn't just have to be kink and BDSM. What

587
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,680
Speaker 3: one couple thinks is novel and exciting, another couple might

588
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:23,560
Speaker 3: think is no big deal.

589
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 4: So it's just like following your own curiosity.

590
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 3: That's what I advise people, like when they are thinking

591
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:33,600
Speaker 3: about sex, or when they allow themselves to daydream, or

592
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:36,680
Speaker 3: when they even look at erotic material, what are they

593
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 3: drawn to?

594
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:38,120
Speaker 1: What are the.

595
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,400
Speaker 3: Curiosities If they were to look at a toy shop

596
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,640
Speaker 3: for adults, for example, what would it be that they're

597
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 3: looking at, Like, allow themselves to get curious and think about,

598
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:52,960
Speaker 3: like I wonder how that would feel, and just invite

599
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 3: that into your life as adults. Life is heavy and

600
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,240
Speaker 3: it can be difficult, and there can be so many

601
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 3: serious things to think about. So this is one outlet

602
00:33:01,560 --> 00:33:04,840
Speaker 3: where we can play, where we can learn about ourselves

603
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:09,000
Speaker 3: and that can actually bring us richness to our overall

604
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 3: lives in the long term.

605
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, thirteen minutes before twelve o'clock more of your what'sapps after.

606
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:20,720
Speaker 7: The break, relationship issues, relationship talk on seven o two.

607
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: It's ten minutes now before twelve outlock. We're ripping up

608
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: our conversation with Lisa Welsh. He's a sex educator and

609
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 1: today we've been discussing this's our scheduled sex in long

610
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 1: term relationships, because you know, the longer the relationship is,

611
00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 1: it really doesn't get as exciting as it was in

612
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 1: the beginning, in as far as just intimacy and sex

613
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,360
Speaker 1: is concerned, because there are other dynamics at play, right,

614
00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 1: whether it's work stress or pressures, or maybe that work pressure,

615
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:58,480
Speaker 1: or it's the kids that are around the house, maybe

616
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:02,000
Speaker 1: it's the medication that you take that often suppress your

617
00:34:02,160 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 1: libid or just the other daily responsibilities as well. So

618
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,840
Speaker 1: how do you then navigate that right? If you have

619
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 1: gone a long time without sex with your partner, how

620
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 1: do you navigate that? Have you ever tried to propose

621
00:34:15,840 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 1: scheduling sex and ensuring that there's maintenance sex or intimacy

622
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 1: that happens even in those moments. Give us a call

623
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 1: or send the wats a voice note. Speaking of kids,

624
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,800
Speaker 1: Anonymous on the WATS uply and says, Hi, Clement, I

625
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:34,359
Speaker 1: don't mind scheduling sex, but we have two kids. One

626
00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 1: is fourteen and the other is five. The issue is

627
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 1: that as soon as my husband puts his head on

628
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 1: the pillow, believe me, he is just gone and I

629
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,320
Speaker 1: can't get to wake him up. So it's a challenge.

630
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 1: We're trying to get the kids to bed early, but

631
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:54,799
Speaker 1: it's a mission. I fortunately or unfortunately want sex more

632
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 1: than him and love exploring a lord. He doesn't restrict me,

633
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: but he's a bit routine based and sometimes that defeats me.

634
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,400
Speaker 1: Great show. Thank you so much Anonymous for sharing the

635
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 1: story with us. Hey, yeah, I don't know, Lisa, because

636
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 1: this happens a lot where especially it gets complicated when

637
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:18,279
Speaker 1: it's the wives or it's the girlfriend. You know, and

638
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: I'm talking now in a heterosexual relationship, who are the

639
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:26,440
Speaker 1: ones that are proposing these exploring new things, because then

640
00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 1: sometimes the men sometimes will feel like, oh, why are

641
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:33,719
Speaker 1: you proposing that? Does it mean you're not happy with

642
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,440
Speaker 1: how I've been doing things? Does it mean I'm not

643
00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 1: satisfying you? Or where did you even learn that? I mean,

644
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,799
Speaker 1: you'd be surprised the kind of reaction that women get

645
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: from their partners often when they want to propose new things.

646
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,799
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've heard that. I have heard that quite a lot.

647
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:54,560
Speaker 3: But what I want to talk about in regards to

648
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:59,239
Speaker 3: this caller is the timing, because they were talking about

649
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 3: the fact that when their partner gets to bed, his

650
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 3: head hits the pillow and he's asleep.

651
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:08,200
Speaker 4: That is quite common. And the funny thing is, why

652
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 4: do we.

653
00:36:08,719 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 3: Default to wanting to have sex at bedtime, we're tired.

654
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,799
Speaker 4: I mean we often not sleep on the couch before

655
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:18,360
Speaker 4: we even.

656
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 7: Get to bed.

657
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 4: So in this situation, can you choose a different time

658
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:24,480
Speaker 4: of day?

659
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:28,840
Speaker 3: Right, You've got children at different ages, so that's tricky teenagers.

660
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 3: If you've got teenagers, I often say early morning is

661
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 3: good at the weekend because teenagers are hibernating. But if

662
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:39,360
Speaker 3: you've got young children, then later in the evening is better. So,

663
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 3: but can you find a time when both children are

664
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:47,200
Speaker 3: safe and you can find privacy. Often it's around just

665
00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:50,080
Speaker 3: before dinner, like when you're going to be cooking dinner.

666
00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:53,759
Speaker 3: Maybe both children are occupied somehow, and you know you

667
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,799
Speaker 3: need to find the pockets of time in your life

668
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:56,319
Speaker 3: that work.

669
00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 1: Right.

670
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 3: It can feel risky and naughty, but you know, you

671
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 3: build a rule in your house that the door is closed, right,

672
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:04,720
Speaker 3: You've got to do what works for your family.

673
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,440
Speaker 4: But the key message here is bedtime is often a

674
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:12,600
Speaker 4: bad time for people who are tired, which is most adults.

675
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,320
Speaker 4: A lot of adults are tired.

676
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,840
Speaker 3: And you're right with what you said about feeling nervous

677
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:22,040
Speaker 3: when somebody suggests something new, and a lot of that

678
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,000
Speaker 3: can come down to framing. You know, just making sure

679
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,759
Speaker 3: that you are telling your partner what you appreciate about

680
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,400
Speaker 3: your love life, you know, what you enjoy about your

681
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 3: love life, and then bringing up the curiosity as something

682
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:37,080
Speaker 3: you would like to explore together. I'm saying, I heard

683
00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:39,680
Speaker 3: about this from Clements show. You know, I heard about

684
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:41,080
Speaker 3: this thing. It sounds really interesting.

685
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:41,839
Speaker 1: What do you think?

686
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 4: So thinking about the way that you're communicating it.

687
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 7: Hi, Clemens Ronnie, I think scheduling sex is all school.

688
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 7: It's like our grandfather's time. Yeah, you would schedule sex

689
00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:59,120
Speaker 7: till sunset morning, and right now we should be pointing

690
00:37:59,239 --> 00:38:01,520
Speaker 7: us like where you drive into the more the one

691
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,640
Speaker 7: you like, you can just you know, start it and

692
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:08,880
Speaker 7: finish it in the moll No, yeah, no time, thank you.

693
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:13,279
Speaker 1: That is exciting, I guess, Lisa, I mean, I mean

694
00:38:13,360 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 1: in the all. It's not in public.

695
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 4: I mean it's exciting. You can't do it, you know you're.

696
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:28,280
Speaker 1: Allowed to do that. Still, another message is high cleming

697
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 1: anonymous here for me, schedule sex is a complete turn off.

698
00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 1: I am there. Any time is tea time type of

699
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:41,520
Speaker 1: a woman, and at night we sleep commando without fail. Hey,

700
00:38:41,800 --> 00:38:46,439
Speaker 1: and there's also sex initiation from my side as well.

701
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:50,920
Speaker 1: So it's it's never one side at all. You're very lucky,

702
00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:53,960
Speaker 1: and then another one is just clemming. People like spontaneous

703
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:57,360
Speaker 1: sex because it's a norm, but that mostly happens in movies.

704
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 1: In real life, people are tired. Kids take up time,

705
00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,800
Speaker 1: and life gets busy, and men appause for women and

706
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:07,600
Speaker 1: declining testestone for men. And it's no surprise that things

707
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:10,680
Speaker 1: change over time. That's why couples need to communicate openly

708
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 1: and make time for each other if they want to

709
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,279
Speaker 1: keep the connection strong. Oho, you've said it so well,

710
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:17,080
Speaker 1: here's another.

711
00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 6: I can and shame. I understand that previous caller. With

712
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:27,680
Speaker 6: kids running around the house. What we would do is

713
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 6: we would go to the laundry room with my husband.

714
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:32,759
Speaker 6: We would do it in the laundry room.

715
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: A shame, man, Yes, these little ones. Just send them

716
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,160
Speaker 1: to Grannie. Send them to Granny for the weekend or

717
00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:44,879
Speaker 1: for one night, and have the night to yourselves.

718
00:39:47,400 --> 00:39:50,080
Speaker 4: But at least in the laundry room there's a machine going.

719
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 1: Right, Well it does. Yeah, give them headphones, give them

720
00:39:55,719 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 1: their favorite movies, lock their room. You come get them

721
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: after cheap hours. Lisa, thank you so much for coming through.

722
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:07,440
Speaker 1: Always great to have you teach us and really educate

723
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 1: us about these important conversations and how we can improve

724
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:13,479
Speaker 1: connections with our partners. I really appreciate your time. Lisa

725
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: Welsh is a sex educator. It's minutes before talk