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Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicky Bush.

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Speaker 2: Twelve minutes after eight o'clock.

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Speaker 3: It is a Saturday morning, so it time for us

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Speaker 3: to talk parenting, and this week we're talking about how

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Speaker 3: can parents encourage teenagers to open up about their feelings.

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Speaker 3: Many of us, even as adults, struggle to open up

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Speaker 3: and talk about our feelings, or even if we do

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Speaker 3: talk about them, we struggle to name our feelings. Many

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Speaker 3: of us only kind of describe a handful of feelings.

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Speaker 3: I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, and that's usually it, maybe,

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Speaker 3: but there are so many other feelings. And so how

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Speaker 3: can we help young people, particularly teens who are often

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Speaker 3: going through just a really tumultuous time physically with the

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Speaker 3: changes mentally. How do we help them name their feelings

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Speaker 3: and share their feelings with us? And I asked, if

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Speaker 3: you are the parent, a caregiver, a grandparent, an aunt

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Speaker 3: to a teenager, how would you say you were doing

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Speaker 3: with getting them to talk about their feelings? What would

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Speaker 3: you say has but in getting them to open up

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Speaker 3: to you a little bit more? Let us know on

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Speaker 3: O double one, eight three or seven oh two, sen

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Speaker 3: as you whats up? Messages on seven two seven two

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Speaker 3: one seven oh two, joining us as always via zoom.

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Speaker 3: We joined by Nikki Bush, our resident human potential and

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Speaker 3: parenting expert.

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Speaker 2: Nikki A very good morning to you, good.

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Speaker 4: Morning books, and to all our listeners.

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Speaker 3: So today we are talking about feelings, or rather how

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Speaker 3: to encourage teenagers to open up about their feelings, which

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Speaker 3: is often, you know, like I said earlier, a bit

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Speaker 3: of a challenge for adults themselves. Many of us struggle

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Speaker 3: to either name our feelings or you know, as a

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Speaker 3: result of maybe how we grew up or socialization, we're

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Speaker 3: afraid to let people know how we're feeling, and so

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Speaker 3: I imagine it then becomes very tricky when trying to get

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Speaker 3: teenagers to name their feelings if grown ups struggle.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, so you're spot on this morning that this conversation

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Speaker 4: is both important if you're a parent of a teen

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Speaker 4: and even if you are an adult. So let's just

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Speaker 4: think about a teen they are a young adult in

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Speaker 4: the process of becoming and becoming a teenager is not

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Speaker 4: an event. It's a process, and it's a process over

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Speaker 4: many years. And so our role as a parent is

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Speaker 4: to help our team to find their own voice and

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Speaker 4: to use their own voice. But as you correctly said,

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Speaker 4: they are going through an emotional roller coaster that is

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Speaker 4: fueled by body changes hormones, and it makes all of

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Speaker 4: their feelings way more intense, less predictable, brings in a

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Speaker 4: bit of self doubt. And that's because they're in a

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Speaker 4: transition phase. They're transitioning from childhood to adulthood. They're feeling

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Speaker 4: out of control and sometimes they don't feel understood. In fact,

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Speaker 4: sometimes they don't even understand themselves. And what we have

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Speaker 4: to do as parents is take them on that journey

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Speaker 4: of creating self awareness of how they're feeling. Being able

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Speaker 4: to label their feelings. Knowing and understanding themselves will help

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Speaker 4: them to know and understand others. So what we're really

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Speaker 4: talking about today is helping your team in the process

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Speaker 4: or with the process of developing their emotional intelligence and

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Speaker 4: their self regulation when they're not actually feeling fully in control.

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Speaker 3: And so, yeah, I guess you're trying to capacitate or

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Speaker 3: give words language to feelings that you know even your

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Speaker 3: teenager may not know, because you know, as you say,

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Speaker 3: you know, there's all of this happening.

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Speaker 2: It is a process.

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Speaker 3: Some of it may be new, so it sounds as

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Speaker 3: though that in addition to trying to get your teenager

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Speaker 3: to open up, you're also trying to help them a

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Speaker 3: better name what is happening to them. So maybe you're

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Speaker 3: not just sad. You may be feeling, you know, lonely,

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Speaker 3: which is a big part of you know, being a

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Speaker 3: teenager because social groups and friendship and fitting in becomes important.

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Speaker 3: So it also sounds like parents are trying to introduce

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Speaker 3: vocap to their teen.

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Speaker 4: One hundred percent. So we are journeying with them into

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Speaker 4: the adolescent storm. And there are so many words to

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Speaker 4: describe how you feeling, and so what I find very

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Speaker 4: very useful is to use the emotion wheel or the

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Speaker 4: feeling's wheel. And I've put up a blog this morning

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Speaker 4: especially for this show, so our listeners can log on

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Speaker 4: to Nikkybush dot com, go and look at my blog

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Speaker 4: or type in emotion or emotions and the blog will

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Speaker 4: come up straight away. And the emotions wheel is fantastic

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Speaker 4: because we have some key emotions that drive everything, and

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Speaker 4: those key ones are basic. They're happy, they're sad, bad, fearful.

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Speaker 4: So if you say I'm feeling happy, I'm feeling sad.

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Speaker 4: I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling fearful, I'm feeling bad, I'm

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Speaker 4: feeling disgusted. Those are only a few words, but you

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Speaker 4: know when you're feeling fearful. Can we help our children

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Speaker 4: decode what fearful means to them? And it could be

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Speaker 4: that they feel scared, or they feel anxious, or they

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Speaker 4: feel insecure, or they feel weak or rejected or threatened.

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Speaker 4: And those in turn could be helpless, frightened, overwhelmed, worried, inadequate.

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Speaker 4: So you get where I'm going with this. There are

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Speaker 4: many ways to describe how you are feeling, and we

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Speaker 4: have to introduce our children to the many ways so

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Speaker 4: that they become more granular, more specific about describing how

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Speaker 4: they feel. And it's not just teens who battle to

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Speaker 4: verbalize how they're feeling. Many adults can't verbalize how they feel.

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Speaker 4: So I find it really useful to use this feeling

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Speaker 4: feelings or emotions WILL to help them identify and label

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Speaker 4: their feelings because when they look at a feelings will,

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Speaker 4: they can suddenly go, oh, yes, okay, I feel that

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Speaker 4: I feel jealous instead of saying angry. Now they can

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Speaker 4: actually be granular and say I'm actually jealous of my

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Speaker 4: friend or I'm jealous that's own, So got that boyfriend

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Speaker 4: or that girlfriend because I like that boy or I

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Speaker 4: like that girl. So getting granular brings clarity. And the

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Speaker 4: other thing is that when we feel something in the

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Speaker 4: emotional part of our brain, it's difficult to activate the

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Speaker 4: prefrontal cortex, which is where you're thinking, you're reasoning, your

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Speaker 4: problem solving sits. As soon as we help our team

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Speaker 4: to label the feeling, we can help them pull themselves

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Speaker 4: back into that prefrontal cortex where they can start understanding

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Speaker 4: why they're feeling, what they're feeling, and what they can

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Speaker 4: do about it. But when we're sitting in that emotional brain,

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Speaker 4: when we're stuck in that emotional brain, we can seize up.

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Speaker 4: And that's the problem. That's when we become disregulated, when

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Speaker 4: we become overwhelmed and literally paralyzed by an emotion because

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Speaker 4: we can't see the words for the trees. And psychologists

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Speaker 4: say we must name it to tame it, and that's

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Speaker 4: exactly right. If we can label our feelings, then feelings

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Speaker 4: become a tool, They become data, they become information, and

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Speaker 4: they become our emotional compass. Two. And I'm saying ours

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Speaker 4: because we all experience this, and it's introducing this to

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Speaker 4: your child saying this is you are not abnormal. You're

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Speaker 4: going through an emotional storm, a hormonal storm. It's going

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Speaker 4: to be tough sometimes to work out exactly what you're feeling,

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Speaker 4: how are you feeling, and why you're feeling the way

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Speaker 4: you're feeling. And I'm here for you. I'm here for

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Speaker 4: you to help you to read this compass. I'm a

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Speaker 4: safe space for you. I don't want to fix you.

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Speaker 4: There's nothing inherently wrong with you. It's just that life

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Speaker 4: is giving you noals and information and I'm going to

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Speaker 4: help you try and decode these.

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Speaker 3: And so it also sounds as though, you know, parents

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Speaker 3: responding with curiosity to what their kids are going through

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Speaker 3: or what their kids are experiencing, what their kids are

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Speaker 3: trying to name, because sometimes it takes a bit of

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Speaker 3: time to name a feeling, especially if you know we've

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Speaker 3: been socialized that it's a bad feeling. So if you

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Speaker 3: feel jealousy or you feel you know, you might feel

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Speaker 3: some embarrassment, some shame, so you might not be willing

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Speaker 3: to speak about it. But it sounds as though if

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Speaker 3: parents are curious and they say, well, they're not good

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Speaker 3: or bad feelings. They're just feelings, and what do they

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Speaker 3: tell us? That also encourages, you know, being open because

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Speaker 3: there isn't that shame. And also, you know, for many

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Speaker 3: of us, we grew up with parents who are stoic.

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Speaker 3: They very seldom showed their emotions. And so even that,

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Speaker 3: you know, trying to help kids not learn that habit,

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Speaker 3: that you don't always have to be strong and not

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Speaker 3: show how you're feeling. But actually it's a kind of

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Speaker 3: power to to name an emotion.

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Speaker 4: One hundred percent. There is so much strength in being

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Speaker 4: able to name how you're feeling and then work out

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Speaker 4: why are you're feeling what you're feeling, because then you

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Speaker 4: become less reactive. Then you become there's self leadership that's

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Speaker 4: actually happening because you're going, oh, hey, wait a minute,

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Speaker 4: let me just dig a little bit deeper and see

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Speaker 4: why I'm reacting the way I'm reacting. Because teens can

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Speaker 4: be incredibly reactive. It can be a little bit like

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Speaker 4: a tinderbox sometimes. So our role is to help our

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Speaker 4: children develop that strength and that curiosity to understand why

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Speaker 4: they feel like they feel, because at the end of

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Speaker 4: the day, feelings and emotions are just information. They are data.

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Speaker 4: It's a signal pointing you in a direction to go

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Speaker 4: and search a little bit, go a little bit deeper. Now,

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Speaker 4: we do have different personalities at play here. Some teens

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Speaker 4: are natural talkers and other teens are non talkers. And

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Speaker 4: if any parents are listening right now and you have

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Speaker 4: more than one child, it is highly likely that you

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Speaker 4: are going to have at least one of each. And

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Speaker 4: the talker child is very easy because they come and

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Speaker 4: sit on the end of your bed at night, and

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Speaker 4: they talk the hind leg off a donkey, and they're

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Speaker 4: not scared to tell you how they feel. In fact,

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Speaker 4: they wear their heart on their sleeve. And then you

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Speaker 4: get a non talker child, and I've had one of each,

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Speaker 4: and the non talker child can feel like a closed book.

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Speaker 4: And with my non talker child, I discovered the feelings

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Speaker 4: will the emotion will, And the only way for me

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Speaker 4: to actually work out how much world was really feeling

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Speaker 4: about things was to sit with the emotion's wheel. Sit

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Speaker 4: with him and the emotion's wheel and give him a pen,

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Speaker 4: and I'd say, just go and circle everything you're feeling.

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Speaker 4: And as he was a teenager, I used the adult

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Speaker 4: emotions Wheel, and I've given both on the blog today.

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Speaker 4: There's one for children, and there's one for teams and adults,

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Speaker 4: and the one for teens and adults has a lot

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Speaker 4: of feelings on it, a lot of labels, and it

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Speaker 4: was quite interesting for a child who literally clammed up

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Speaker 4: and couldn't speak, couldn't say how he was feeling, Suddenly

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Speaker 4: looking at the emotions wheel, he could label five or

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Speaker 4: ten things and then what would happen? He'd give it

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Speaker 4: to me, and then I would get him to score

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Speaker 4: the intensity of the feeling. So if he was feeling exposed,

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Speaker 4: or if he was feeling excited, or if he was

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Speaker 4: feeling victimized or proud or anything at all, I'd say,

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Speaker 4: out of ten, ten being the most extreme and zero

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Speaker 4: being you know nothing, give me a score, and then

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Speaker 4: I could help him rank what was most troubling him.

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Speaker 4: And it opened up a conversation because then I'd say, to.

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Speaker 5: Tell me more about dot dot dot, or what's making

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Speaker 5: you feel worried or what are you embarrassed about, what's

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Speaker 5: making you feel hopeless, what is making you feel so shocked,

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Speaker 5: what's got you feeling so excited?

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Speaker 4: And so that it softened up everything because he felt

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Speaker 4: I understood without needing to fix him, because I wasn't

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Speaker 4: diagnosing him, he was diagnosing himself. And this is a

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Speaker 4: really powerful tool. And once you break through and get

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Speaker 4: the labeling of the feelings, often things come tumbling out,

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Speaker 4: and that's accompanied by a huge sense of relief that

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Speaker 4: they've shared the burden with someone, that somebody's actually seeing them,

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Speaker 4: somebody's listening. But of course, as adduts of teens, we

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Speaker 4: need to try not to fix our children at this point,

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Speaker 4: because yes, we've got ten ways to fix this emotion

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Speaker 4: we can see down the track. But the idea is

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Speaker 4: to help them to fix and regulate themselves. So it's

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Speaker 4: always better to ask them what they think they can

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Speaker 4: do to resolve things before you butt in. And now

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Speaker 4: that they verbalize that feeling or emotion, remember they've now

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Speaker 4: got more access to that prefrontal cortex which teams battle

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Speaker 4: to access. And sometimes the answer is just staring them

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Speaker 4: right in the face. All you're doing is opening up

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Speaker 4: a process, a process that is actually going to be

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Speaker 4: useful for the rest of their lives.

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Speaker 3: We've received or what's her boys notes on seven seven

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Speaker 3: two one seven O two.

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Speaker 1: Alright books I have a nineteen year old who fails

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Speaker 1: metric in twenty twenty three and road roats in twenty

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Speaker 1: twenty two, and she feels again and he appears on

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Speaker 1: that one second year. You know, she has dissents herself

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Speaker 1: from those friends, her high school friends, because now she's

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Speaker 1: going like with friends that I've know, you know, those

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Speaker 1: friends that our parents have worn us about you and

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Speaker 1: growing up. She's currently going out with them. And then

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Speaker 1: I ask her why, she said, that's whay. She feels

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Speaker 1: like she belongs. You know, I'm really struggling as a parent.

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Speaker 2: Also, thank you very much for that. What's her boys?

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Speaker 4: Notes Nikki M So, I think she was talking about

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Speaker 4: her child failing twice at school. I didn't quite hear

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Speaker 4: the words was that, am I correct?

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Speaker 3: Yes, she did fail twice, and then she's now I

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Speaker 3: guess isolated herself. Initially part of the issue was the

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Speaker 3: kind of friends she was hanging out with, because she

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Speaker 3: said those were the friends that she felt comfortable or

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Speaker 3: at ease with.

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Speaker 4: Yeah. So, so it is tough when you land up

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Speaker 4: not being with with people your own age. So there's

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Speaker 4: a sense of failure. There's there's a whole lot going

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Speaker 4: on there So it would be really really interesting to

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Speaker 4: to help this girl to identify exactly how she's feeling,

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Speaker 4: because right now she's feeling those umbrella feelings of being angry,

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Speaker 4: being sad, feeling bad, and and possibly the feat that

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Speaker 4: that central feeling of being disgusted. Let's let's take that forward.

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Speaker 4: It could be disappointed with herself, and so helping her

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Speaker 4: to label exactly how she feels will help her move forward.

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Speaker 4: And the thing is, we don't want her to be

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Speaker 4: filling this void of feeling disappointed in herself with bad

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Speaker 4: company or with other forms of over control. And this

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Speaker 4: is what teens sometimes resort to, is things like cutting

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Speaker 4: or anorexia or suicide as a form of control or

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Speaker 4: as a way to feel a high or a thrill

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Speaker 4: when they feel numb. So sometimes teens can numb themselves out.

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Speaker 4: They do this with social media. They spend too much

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Speaker 4: time online and actually those things are fueling the negative

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Speaker 4: emotions interestingly, so it's going to be really really important

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Speaker 4: for this mum to help her daughter to really name

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Speaker 4: the feelings to tame them. So yeah, I would say,

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Speaker 4: please go and look at my blog, and please go

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Speaker 4: and download those feelings wheels and help your daughter on

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Speaker 4: the process of actually really naming exactly how she's feeling.

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Speaker 3: And of course the conversation we're having is, you know,

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Speaker 3: it's the kind of conversations that parents of all genders

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Speaker 3: should be having with their kids, whether it's a girl

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Speaker 3: or a boy. Of course, you know, in the past,

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Speaker 3: and I think it's still the case now. There's this

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Speaker 3: idea that boys don't talk about their feelings. Men are

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Speaker 3: socialized into, you know, disconnecting from their feelings. So this

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Speaker 3: is even as as important for boy children as it

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Speaker 3: is for girl children, one hundred percent. So I think

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Speaker 3: really what we're saying this morning is as parents, you

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Speaker 3: need to set yourselves up as a safe harbor. You

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Speaker 3: are safe with me, create a space to help them

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Speaker 3: to understand themselves versus trying to fix them. Empower them

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Speaker 3: to create and fix their own lives.

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Speaker 4: To stop naming, blaming, and shaming others for how they're feeling.

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Speaker 4: So own your feelings because they will always be circumstances.

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Speaker 4: They will always be feelings and emotions in response to

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Speaker 4: those circumstances, and the key is not to be scared

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Speaker 4: of feelings, but to embrace them and learn how to

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Speaker 4: use them. As a guide to understand yourself, others, and

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Speaker 4: the world around you. And of course if your team

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Speaker 4: reaches out for support, a listening, ear, coaching or councing

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Speaker 4: is a great step in the right direction of building

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Speaker 4: that self awareness, that emotional intelligence, and that emotional agility.

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Speaker 4: So as a parent, your role the ultimate goal is

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Speaker 4: for your child to be able to handle their feelings

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Speaker 4: and emotions by themselves and for themselves.

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Speaker 3: Nikki, always a great pleasure having you on the show.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for your time this morning.

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Speaker 4: Thank you gooks.

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Speaker 3: That is our resident human potential and parenting expert, Nikki Bush.

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Speaker 3: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

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Speaker 3: seven No.

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Speaker 2: Two Land. We start at the Pretoria Zoo.

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Speaker 3: They're celebrating one hundred and twenty six years of wildlife

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Speaker 3: and conservation, so we'll speak to their director of Animal

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Speaker 3: Collections and Conservation at the National Zoo Garden. It is

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Speaker 3: also a very busy sporting weekend, so let's check in

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Speaker 3: with you latest I Witness New Sport with Antherneque Shadder