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Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: It's eleven minutes after eight o'clock time for us to

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Speaker 2: talk parenting, and this week we're looking at how do

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Speaker 2: parents have difficult conversations with their children about, especially if

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Speaker 2: it's in the news cycle, difficult stories coming out of

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Speaker 2: the new cycle, stories of conflict of war.

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Speaker 3: We've seen stories of.

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Speaker 2: School children minus being impacted by the ongoing conflict in

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Speaker 2: the Middle East, and so how do you talk to

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Speaker 2: your kids about really difficult news? How do you talk

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Speaker 2: to them about death on that scale? So that's what

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Speaker 2: we're looking at this morning, joined as always by a

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Speaker 2: resident human potential and parenting expert, Nicki Bush. Of course

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Speaker 2: we take your calls on No Double one eighty three

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Speaker 2: or seven oh two. We take semessis on three on

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Speaker 2: seven oh two. You can also send us a WhatsApp

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Speaker 2: message on seven two, seven o two one seven oh two.

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Speaker 2: Nikki always a pleasure having on the show. Good morning,

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Speaker 2: Good morning, girgs, good morning. So quite a difficult but

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Speaker 2: timely conversation that we're having this morning. Of course, regardless

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Speaker 2: of which channel you are turning on with, it's the

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Speaker 2: BBC with its CNN, whether it is using Africa a

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Speaker 2: s ABC, there is rolling coverage of some kind of

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Speaker 2: conflict war with it's in the Middle East and Sudan.

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Speaker 3: In the DRC.

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Speaker 2: It seems the news of conflict and death are seemingly endless.

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Speaker 2: And so, you know, how do parents even begin to

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Speaker 2: have that conversation with children, especially if they're very young children.

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Speaker 2: I imagine it's a little bit easier if they're sort

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Speaker 2: of older and they're teenagers. But if it's very young children,

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Speaker 2: you know me, parents might think, well, how do I

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Speaker 2: make such an adult conversation child friendly?

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Speaker 4: Great question, Googs, and I think to your point, we

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Speaker 4: are seeing things playing out in the media that show

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Speaker 4: a very ugly world and an uncertain world, a very

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Speaker 4: disruptive world. But you know what, this is always the case.

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Speaker 4: It's not an isolated incident. So let's go back a

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Speaker 4: few years. We live through a global pandemic. Just last

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Speaker 4: years writing articles about the food poisoning crisis. We are

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Speaker 4: seeing child abductions and murders all the time. Our children

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Speaker 4: are seeing and hearing about corruption all the time. There's

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Speaker 4: been a water crisis. You know, we can go on

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Speaker 4: and on. There will always be something that our children

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Speaker 4: are exposed to. It's not a perfect world, and so

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Speaker 4: often parents feel guilty that their children are not living

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Speaker 4: through their picture of what an idyllic childhood should be.

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Speaker 4: And the important thing that parents need to understand is

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Speaker 4: that whatever children see on a screen, whatever kind of

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Speaker 4: screen it is, and unfortunately happens when there is a

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Speaker 4: crisis that is playing out, parents tend to leave the

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Speaker 4: TV on with CNN or SABC or.

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Speaker 1: Radio TV, whatever it is.

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Speaker 4: They leave it on because they want to stay up

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Speaker 4: to date with how the situation is morphing and changing.

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Speaker 4: And children, because of their underdeveloped brains, cannot tell the

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Speaker 4: difference between what is real and what is not, what

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Speaker 4: is happening here and what is happening over there thousands

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Speaker 4: and thousands of kilometers away. So we're talking about our

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Speaker 4: South African children today who might be watching this third

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Speaker 4: golf wall playing out in family rooms around the country

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Speaker 4: on TVs around the country, and so they could be

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Speaker 4: believing that this is happening down the road. And that's

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Speaker 4: where we as parents have to step in and give

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Speaker 4: our children perspective because their anxiety and fear will be

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Speaker 4: up just because of what they are hearing and what

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Speaker 4: they are seeing, and they cannot have any kind of

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Speaker 4: perspective because they're way too young. So what are we

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Speaker 4: as parents going to do to help reduce our children's

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Speaker 4: fear and anxiety, particularly as you said of there's younger

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Speaker 4: children who are under the impression that this could be

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Speaker 4: happening around the corner.

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Speaker 2: Right, And I guess here as well, there's the question

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Speaker 2: of for many parents, they avoid the difficult conversations. Whatever

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Speaker 2: there may be about money, about bodily autonomy, conversations about

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Speaker 2: sex in general. For many parents three difficult to have

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Speaker 2: tough conversations. And I imagine this could fall into one

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Speaker 2: of those categories where they think, well, this is it's

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Speaker 2: a difficult thing to talk about. Maybe we don't talk

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Speaker 2: about it at all, or they might think, well, maybe

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Speaker 2: it's not I don't know how to do it in

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Speaker 2: a way that doesn't scare my children even further or

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Speaker 2: make them even more nervous. So even with parents, as

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Speaker 2: you know you often say, you always say that for parents,

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Speaker 2: parenting can be transformative for parents as well, And so

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Speaker 2: even as you say, you know, we need to be

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Speaker 2: having these conversations with kids, whether it is about the

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Speaker 2: food poisoning, the scholar, transport tragedy at the beginning of

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Speaker 2: the year, the conflict on the other side of the world.

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Speaker 2: We need to have those conversations with our kids, even

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Speaker 2: though many of us, some of us may not have

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Speaker 2: grown up in homes where conversations of this nature were

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Speaker 2: being had. So for even for parents, this might be

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Speaker 2: new territory that they're going into to try to help

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Speaker 2: their kids navigate the world.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So, I think an important question to ask your children,

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Speaker 4: particularly if they are of school going age, so primary

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Speaker 4: school and high school children, would be what have you

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Speaker 4: heard about dot? So establish the baseline of their knowledge

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Speaker 4: and what they're hearing about, say this.

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Speaker 1: Third golf war.

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Speaker 4: It would be exactly the same if you were talking

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Speaker 4: to your children about, say sex, you mentioned that, so

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Speaker 4: what have you heard about this?

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Speaker 1: What do you know about this?

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Speaker 4: Because you want to find out their level of knowledge

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Speaker 4: and exposure before you dump too.

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Speaker 1: Much on them.

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Speaker 4: So they give you the guidelines so to speak, on

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Speaker 4: how deep you actually need to go. So when we're

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Speaker 4: talking to our children about uncertainty, it's important that we

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Speaker 4: find out a what they already know and what they're feeling,

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Speaker 4: and b that we are honest with our children in

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Speaker 4: an age appropriate way so that we can maintain the

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Speaker 4: trust between us. And it's really important to take action

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Speaker 4: like this to make both you and your children feel safer.

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Speaker 1: And more secure. So the goal here with.

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Speaker 4: These conversations is safety, security, and perspective. Now I think

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Speaker 4: in terms of honesty if I was having a conversation

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Speaker 4: with my children right now, if they were younger. We

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Speaker 4: cannot tell our children that we're not scared, and neither

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Speaker 4: can we promise them that everything's going to be all right.

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Speaker 4: So this global conflict does have us worried. It does

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Speaker 4: have us scared, even though it's not happening close by.

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Speaker 4: It's unsettling, and we actually have no power to change

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Speaker 4: what's happening in the Middle East. Right now where we sit,

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Speaker 4: we have no power. We are actually observers of what's

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Speaker 4: going on. So we have to lay out the facts

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Speaker 4: as honestly as we can with our children to retain

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Speaker 4: their trust and also help them to distinguish between the

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Speaker 4: facts and the feelings, because their feelings are real. If

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Speaker 4: they're feeling anxious and fearful, they are real. But the

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Speaker 4: fact is this is not happening in our country. It's

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Speaker 4: not happening next door, so right now, bomb is not

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Speaker 4: about to fall on our house. And I think we

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Speaker 4: need to say those things to our children because their imaginations,

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Speaker 4: if they've been watching the news, are running absolutely riot

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Speaker 4: right now. Those scenes they see unfolding on TV, what

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Speaker 4: they're hearing, what they're seeing seems very very real to them,

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Speaker 4: and we can honestly say things like this to them.

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Speaker 4: What we're seeing happening in the Middle East is terrible,

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Speaker 4: it's not good. But we cannot promise them that everything's

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Speaker 4: going to be all right because we don't know what's

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Speaker 4: going to happen. So we need to say, hey, I

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Speaker 4: can't promise you that it's going to end soon. I

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Speaker 4: can't promise you it's going to be all right, but

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Speaker 4: I can promise you that this is how we are

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Speaker 4: going to handle ourselves right here and right now. So

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Speaker 4: children need to know that we have a plan, and

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Speaker 4: this involves sharing feelings that perhaps this is the next

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Speaker 4: part of our conversation, is how to get our children

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Speaker 4: to share their feelings about what they are witnessing, seeing,

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Speaker 4: and hearing.

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Speaker 2: Right Just before we move on to that, I just

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Speaker 2: want to touch on the point you just made about

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Speaker 2: you know, your kind of Our children look to parents

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Speaker 2: and their caregivers for I guess, for safety, for security,

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Speaker 2: for leadership that and even in that it's okay for

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Speaker 2: parents to admit if they don't know stuff because you're

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Speaker 2: not going to know everything, right, So, mom, is this

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Speaker 2: going to happen to our dad?

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Speaker 3: Is this going to happen here? Should we be? And

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Speaker 3: you know, for you as.

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Speaker 2: A parent to admit to your children that actually I

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Speaker 2: don't have an answer to that, but what I do

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Speaker 2: know and the point you just made that you know,

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Speaker 2: we will make a plan. You are safe, We will

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Speaker 2: take care of you. You know, your home is, you know,

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Speaker 2: if you're here and you're with us, we're going to

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Speaker 2: make sure you're right that you know, your kids are

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Speaker 2: always looking to you for cues, I guess and if

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Speaker 2: you are calm and you are you know, communicating openly,

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Speaker 2: even that should offer them just a little bit of comfort.

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Speaker 2: And even you saying we don't know what's going to happen,

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Speaker 2: but we'll make sure you're taking care of is also

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Speaker 2: just another way of doing that.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, So your children are looking to you for a

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Speaker 4: sense of calm, for a sense of direction. How are

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Speaker 4: you going to direct their emotions, their energy, their attention.

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Speaker 4: And the one thing I always say is that parental

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Speaker 4: fear and anxiety is contagious. So I say that we

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Speaker 4: need to fix ourselves to fix our children.

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Speaker 1: It starts with us first.

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Speaker 4: If we get hysterical, I promise you children will feel

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Speaker 4: your hysteria and that will be their cue. So we

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Speaker 4: need to actually gather ourselves. We need to work out

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Speaker 4: our most simple understanding of the situation. Hand this is

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Speaker 4: how I understand things are happening from my perspective, because

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Speaker 4: of course there are so many different perspectives. But try

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Speaker 4: and get to the facts. Here are a couple of facts.

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Speaker 4: This is what's going on. This is how it might

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Speaker 4: be making you feel. And I think this is very

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Speaker 4: important to calmly share your feelings and truthfully share your

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Speaker 4: feelings with your children that you don't like what's going on.

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Speaker 4: That it is a very scary thing to watch, but

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Speaker 4: don't go overboard, don't get hysterical. They need your leadership

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Speaker 4: at this time, and you can give every family member

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Speaker 4: the opportunity to share how they're feeling to create balance,

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Speaker 4: because with anything that's going on, there is always a sweeten,

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Speaker 4: a sour. There's always a positive and a negative. There's

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Speaker 4: always collateral damage in collateral beauty. So the sweets in

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Speaker 4: the sour's game is a structure to hold the conversation,

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Speaker 4: and you can do this every single night. When my

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Speaker 4: kids were at school, this was a nightly conversation where

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Speaker 4: we used to go around the table and everybody got

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Speaker 4: the opportunity in the first round to actually share a

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Speaker 4: negative for the day. So this is what happened today,

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Speaker 4: and this is how it.

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Speaker 1: Made me feel.

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Speaker 4: So the worst thing that happened in the day, the

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Speaker 4: proffest thing that happened in the day, the messiest thing

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Speaker 4: that happened in the day, and very importantly, how did

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Speaker 4: it make you feel. We need to raise our children

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Speaker 4: to try and label their feelings. And this is not

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Speaker 4: a conversation, so you don't interrupt your children, and of

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Speaker 4: course the adults play along as well. You also share

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Speaker 4: the worst thing that happened to you in the day

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Speaker 4: and how it made you feel.

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Speaker 1: Then you switch to the.

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Speaker 4: Best, most positive thing that happened in the day, the

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Speaker 4: suite of the day. Everybody gets a chance to share

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Speaker 4: the suite of the day and how it made them feel.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes this is the only time you will get a

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Speaker 4: window into your child's day or they get to see

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Speaker 4: or hear what happened in your day that worked for

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Speaker 4: you or did not work for you. And it's great

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Speaker 4: to get those windows of opportunity because it gives you

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Speaker 4: a perspective that maybe you haven't seen or heard yet

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Speaker 4: in their debrief of the day. So this will be

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Speaker 4: a time where, you know, they may raise things about

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Speaker 4: what they're seeing on TV, the war that's going on,

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Speaker 4: as you mentioned just now. You know we saw the

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Speaker 4: school tab accident and children being killed. There are so

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Speaker 4: many things that bother and worry our children, and if

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Speaker 4: they don't have the opportunity to bring them out in

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Speaker 4: the open, those things just stay blocked inside them and

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Speaker 4: they keep worrying about them, they will keep festering. And

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Speaker 4: you have no idea how that those negative feelings might

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Speaker 4: come out eventually and how they are laying down patterns

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Speaker 4: of thinking and feeling that could affect your children right

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Speaker 4: into adulthood. And here's a lovely way to end the

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Speaker 4: sweets and sours game. You can say something along these lines.

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Speaker 4: We can cry, worry and complain, or we can be

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Speaker 4: confident that we can handle this and do what needs

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Speaker 4: to be done. And I think that's a beautiful mantra

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Speaker 4: that we need to use often with our children so

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Speaker 4: that we don't raise children who point fingers outwards, say

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Speaker 4: and name, blame and shame what's going on in the

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Speaker 4: world and what's happening in their lives for what's not working.

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Speaker 4: We need children who grow up being able to handle

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Speaker 4: life and knowing how to balance their nervous systems, because

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Speaker 4: that's really about emotional intelligence, is how to have a functioning,

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Speaker 4: self regulating nervous system.

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Speaker 2: Right, which I guess also we often talk about how

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Speaker 2: children look to parents caregivers their role models for how

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Speaker 2: to behave so I guess even for parents, not only

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Speaker 2: do they need to be helping kids have these regulated

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Speaker 2: nervous systems to be able to name their feelings and

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Speaker 2: process their feelings in a healthy way, but parents also

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Speaker 2: need to be modeling that, to be showing that in

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Speaker 2: the ways they're respond not just to you know, the

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Speaker 2: news of the day, but you know your kids are

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Speaker 2: watching you in traffic, kids are watching you in the shops,

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Speaker 2: kids are watching you at all times. So even here

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Speaker 2: it sounds as though your own kind of what you

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Speaker 2: are modeling to them. What you are showing them is

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Speaker 2: also quite important.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely. In fact, I've just written that down.

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Speaker 4: If you want your children to cope better with challenging

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Speaker 4: environments and situations, you need to role model this for them.

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Speaker 4: There are always going to be challenges, there are always

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Speaker 4: going to be tough situations, There are always going to

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Speaker 4: be circumstances.

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Speaker 1: This is life.

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Speaker 4: Life is a series of problems and challenges to be

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Speaker 4: solved in the best way possible, because this is how

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Speaker 4: human beings grow, is how we respond to these situations.

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Speaker 4: So your children also need to hear that you're confident

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Speaker 4: that you can handle the situation right now, and this

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Speaker 4: is the plan for now, and when you need to

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Speaker 4: create a new plan if the situation changes, you will.

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Speaker 4: And this is the same advice that I gave to

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Speaker 4: parents during COVID because we were not in control of

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Speaker 4: that situation at all, and you can only work with

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Speaker 4: right now and keep the open end of if the

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Speaker 4: situation changes, we will create a new plan. And that

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Speaker 4: shows children that we need to allow for flexibility, especially

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Speaker 4: in situations where we do not have full control and

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Speaker 4: where there is a lot of external disruption and you

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Speaker 4: know whenever there are these global conflicts, or when there

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Speaker 4: are floods or environmental shifts and changes, you always have

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Speaker 4: to watch organizations like Gift of the Givers and see

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Speaker 4: where they get called in. And there are always going

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Speaker 4: to be things that you can do from AFAR, like

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Speaker 4: organize collections of blankets and organize collections of food.

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Speaker 1: What did we do during COVID We all made sandwiches

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Speaker 1: and things like that.

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Speaker 4: We gathered in community, we made sandwiches, we made packs

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Speaker 4: the stationery, We had things delivered to people who are

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Speaker 4: more needy than us. So finding ways to practically contribute

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Speaker 4: is always going to help children feel better about things,

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Speaker 4: you know, even if they're not the ones who directly

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Speaker 4: affected by a certain situation or by circumstances. Showing empathy

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Speaker 4: for other people and contributing in any way that you

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Speaker 4: can and helping your children feel like they are making

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Speaker 4: a difference is really important. But as parents, we can

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Speaker 4: really make a difference to our children right now by

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Speaker 4: helping them to manage their feelings about what is going

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Speaker 4: on in the world.

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Speaker 2: Nicky, as always, it is a great pleasure having you

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Speaker 2: on the show. Thank you so much for your time

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Speaker 2: this morning. That's a pleasure Goods. And if parents would

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Speaker 2: like to get hold.

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Speaker 4: Of my guide to help parents deal with the pandemic

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Speaker 4: of parental guilt and over protection, they can just email

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Speaker 4: my team at info at Nikkibush dot com and we'll

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Speaker 4: email it to them.

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Speaker 2: That's our resident human potential and parenting expert, Nikki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

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Speaker 2: seven o two Land. We start with is Jimbo Setu.

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Speaker 2: They are a bold new theater production. It is written

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Speaker 2: and directed by Zinkler, Zimba and Zincer will join us

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Speaker 2: to tell us about the production. Then we move to

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Speaker 2: the State Theater where there is a new production called

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Speaker 2: My Children, My Africa. Will speak to playwright, director and

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Speaker 2: artistic director of the State Theater or seek Ivy or

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Speaker 2: join us. But first, a very busy sporting weekend already,

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Speaker 2: so let's check in with your laser as I witness

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Speaker 2: new sport with underneath shader