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Speaker 1: Seven o two weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Twelve minutes after eight o'clock, time for us to get

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Speaker 2: into our parenting connversation. And this morning we're looking at

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Speaker 2: why it is important for you to be a predictable

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Speaker 2: parent more than a perfect parent, and how do you

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Speaker 2: stay calm during those really stressful parenting moments. Parenting can

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Speaker 2: be an adventure, but sometimes it can be tricky. It

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Speaker 2: can be trying like anything, and so how do you

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Speaker 2: stay calm during those stressful parenting moments? Joined us always

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Speaker 2: by a resident human potential and parenting expert.

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Speaker 1: Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Niki, A very good morning too.

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Speaker 1: Good morning gogs.

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Speaker 3: And I know today we are going to be playing

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Speaker 3: as the spring Box against Wales, and I thought I

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Speaker 3: would share some parenting lessons today from the past two

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Speaker 3: matches against France and Italy.

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Speaker 2: Right, And so today we're kind of looking at this

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Speaker 2: and I think it's such an interesting idea, the idea

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Speaker 2: of being predictable rather than being perfect.

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Speaker 3: Yes, because like the spring Bok rugby team, even parents

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Speaker 3: get red carded in life and what that looks like.

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Speaker 3: So let's just remember that we've had two red cards

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Speaker 3: in the last two matches, and so the box were

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Speaker 3: playing with fourteen men. And what struck me is that

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Speaker 3: it wasn't just rugby, it was life lessons because families

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Speaker 3: get red carded unexpectedly, like a sick child, a job loss,

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Speaker 3: a marriage wobble, maybe a school issue. So disruption is

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Speaker 3: guaranteed in life, and it's guaranteed in parenting. And the

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Speaker 3: question is how do we respond? And I think that Rassi,

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Speaker 3: Erasmus and Ciacalisi have given us some really good lessons.

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Speaker 2: And so I mean often in those moments, or any

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Speaker 2: stressful moments, we kind.

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Speaker 1: Of go through these.

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Speaker 2: They are these four kind of known responses fight, flight, fawn,

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Speaker 2: there's one I'm forgetting free, yes and so and so

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Speaker 2: I imagine even in parenting, you'll kind of go through those

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Speaker 2: those emotions, right, those kind of and those aren't even

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Speaker 2: the things you think about. It's your brain's kind of

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Speaker 2: most primal primitive responses response. Yeah, absolutely, And so how

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Speaker 2: do you manage that in a parenting situation because you

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Speaker 2: can't exactly fight, Well, you can fight, but I don't

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Speaker 2: imagine that would end very well with children. No.

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Speaker 3: Well, so I think you know, as you as you

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Speaker 3: opened you you know you said it's about not being perfect,

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Speaker 3: but being predictable. So when a meltdown happens, it's actually

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Speaker 3: our calm, not our cleverness, that steadies them in the moment.

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Speaker 3: So the first lesson is that our response sets the

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Speaker 3: tone in our home, the emotional temperature, and our children

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Speaker 3: will take their cue from us because they're watching us.

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Speaker 3: So when something goes wrong, like a tantrum or a

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Speaker 3: school issue or a fight between siblings, our initial reaction

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Speaker 3: will either escalate things or it will de escalate things. So,

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Speaker 3: in other words, a regulated parent raises a regulated child,

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Speaker 3: which is why you often hear people say count to

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Speaker 3: ten before you react under pressure as a parent, So

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Speaker 3: that's really important that you take a breath and that

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Speaker 3: you don't just explode. So you're teaching your children that

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Speaker 3: there is a space between stimulus and response. You can

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Speaker 3: take that breath, you can decide how you're going to respond.

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Speaker 3: This does not apply if your child is about to

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Speaker 3: run across a busy road, so in that instance, you

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Speaker 3: definitely have to react versus responding.

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Speaker 2: And so even with I guess you know, responding, that

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Speaker 2: also has an opportunity, Like you were saying that that

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Speaker 2: you can, and we were speaking about this just recently,

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Speaker 2: your children modeling your behavior or your children mimicking you.

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Speaker 2: We often mimic people around us down to you know,

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Speaker 2: you were saying, for instance, the way in which your

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Speaker 2: sons drive was almost identical to the way your husband

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Speaker 2: used to. Yes, because we're watching our parents all the time.

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Speaker 2: And so even in this moment where you're under great stress,

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Speaker 2: your kids are watching about you know, they kind of

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Speaker 2: look at is this how I respond or this is

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Speaker 2: how I'm going to respond to stressful situations. It's an

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Speaker 2: opportunity for your kids to learn from you even as

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Speaker 2: you're trying to manage a really stressful situation.

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Speaker 3: Yes, definitely. So pressure is actually a magnifier. And you know,

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Speaker 3: when you watch those rugby games, you can see those

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Speaker 3: moments of extreme pressure, and it shows what is really

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Speaker 3: happening in the team or in your home. So pressure

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Speaker 3: doesn't creator home's culture or family's culture.

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Speaker 1: It actually reveals what's going on.

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Speaker 3: So, just like pressure exposed as a team culture, if

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Speaker 3: a home is highly anxious or rushed or perfectionistic, pressure

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Speaker 3: is going to amplify that. So if you are highly

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Speaker 3: strung and your child throws a tantrum, you're likely to

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Speaker 3: be more wound up than anything else. So learning about

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Speaker 3: who you are as a parent and how you respond

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Speaker 3: in different situations is very important, And in my strategic

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Speaker 3: leadership coaching practice, we always go back to your patterning,

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Speaker 3: and your patterning often comes through your own childhood. So

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Speaker 3: if you're still carrying scars and wounds from your own

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Speaker 3: childhood that you haven't unpacked yet and understood, you often

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Speaker 3: defect to those patterns and they're often very destructive. So

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Speaker 3: if the home is compassionate and flexible, pressure is going

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Speaker 3: to amplify that as well. So I always say fix yourself,

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Speaker 3: fix your child. If things are unplayable in your home,

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Speaker 3: don't look first at your child, look first at yourself,

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Speaker 3: because so often, if you do the inner work, your

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Speaker 3: child will automatically fall in sync with you.

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Speaker 2: It also sounds as though part of what you need

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Speaker 2: to be thinking about as a parent in these moments

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Speaker 2: is not just the moment for itself, I guess, the

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Speaker 2: moment of stress or tension or frustration, whatever it is,

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Speaker 2: but kind of thinking long term as well. So for instance,

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Speaker 2: if you start yelling at your child, or you hit them,

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Speaker 2: or you know you do something to kind of stop

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Speaker 2: the behavior in the moment, you're kind of not thinking

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Speaker 2: about what the long term impact might be. So you know,

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Speaker 2: stuff that you're doing in that moment responding could have

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Speaker 2: an impact in the long term. And so it almost

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Speaker 2: feels as parents also need to be thinking about that,

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Speaker 2: that how I respond now will have an impact. And

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Speaker 2: so what kind of impact do I want to be

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Speaker 2: making or leaving with my kids? Do I want them

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Speaker 2: to be afraid of me? Do I want them to

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Speaker 2: be confused? Or do I want them to feel you know,

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Speaker 2: they've been reprimanded, they've been given structure, but they still

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Speaker 2: feel safe.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So a child who's experiencing pressure doesn't want a lecture,

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Speaker 3: they want connection. And this is something that parents often

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Speaker 3: miss is that in a moment of tough times of

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Speaker 3: extreme pressure, your child may need a hug, They may need.

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Speaker 1: A kind comment from you. They may need you to you.

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Speaker 3: Know, stand by them and literally understand that what they're

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Speaker 3: going through is tough. So to reflect back at them,

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Speaker 3: I can see you having a tough time. I can

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Speaker 3: see this moment is difficult for you. Let's talk about it.

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Speaker 3: So acknowledging it rather than trying to sort of ice

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Speaker 3: the cake over it, so to speak. And unity definitely

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Speaker 3: beats the urgency of the situation, especially in a stressed household.

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Speaker 3: So when a family's under pressure, running late, juggling homework,

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Speaker 3: there's chaos in the kitchen, what matters most is not

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Speaker 3: necessarily speed. In fact, sometimes we have to slow things down,

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Speaker 3: just like a tennis player in top tier tennis, to

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Speaker 3: slow down the game they love, they love the ball,

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Speaker 3: to slow down the game, to get back into position

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Speaker 3: so that they're ready for the next shot. So with children,

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Speaker 3: they feel safer when the family is acting like a team,

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Speaker 3: not as scattered individuals.

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Speaker 1: And I always say that what.

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Speaker 3: Children want most is a sense of belonging and togetherness.

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Speaker 3: And in this case, togetherness is your child's biggest anchor

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Speaker 3: during stressful moments, that we will face this together.

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Speaker 2: And also how important is it to kind of even

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Speaker 2: though your child might not be behaving appropriately or not

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Speaker 2: coping with the stress, how important is it to try

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Speaker 2: and see it from their perspective, even if you still

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Speaker 2: think the behavior was inappropriate for the context or could

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Speaker 2: have been better. Whatever it is, why is it you know,

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Speaker 2: especially as you say you know, one of the things

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Speaker 2: your kids need in a really stressful time is connection?

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Speaker 2: How does trying to see it from your child's perspective

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Speaker 2: help you foster that connection in that moment.

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Speaker 3: So conversation really does matter, and saying to your child,

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Speaker 3: I understand this is difficult for you, tell me about it,

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Speaker 3: or I understand this is difficult for you. But this

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Speaker 3: is not the way we behave in public, and this

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Speaker 3: may require some sacrifice from you. For example, a child

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Speaker 3: throwing a tantrum, you may pick your child up, walk

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Speaker 3: out of the shop, put them in the car, and

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Speaker 3: drive home. So you may have just sacrificed doing your

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Speaker 3: shopping in that instance. And let's just go back to

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Speaker 3: my analogy of the spring box. In that first match

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Speaker 3: against France, Cyclisi stepped off the field at halftime when

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Speaker 3: it was his one hundredth game. And sometimes we have

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Speaker 3: to give up comfort, ego being right, or our plans

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Speaker 3: because our child's needs take priority, whether that is because

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Speaker 3: our child is ill or our child is having a moment.

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Speaker 3: Our child needs to know that we love them regardless

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Speaker 3: of what's going on. We might not like them, we

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Speaker 3: might not like their behavior, but we do love them.

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Speaker 3: And sometimes we have to sacrifice things ourselves and every

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Speaker 3: small sacrifice that a parent makes is actually a message

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Speaker 3: to their child that you matter and that your future matters,

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Speaker 3: and that getting you through this so that you can

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Speaker 3: thrive in the world is what matters most.

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Speaker 2: M One of the other topics we've piously discussed is

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Speaker 2: the importance of parents being parents, So parents ensuring that

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Speaker 2: there is structure, parents ensuring that there are rules, that

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Speaker 2: children know what to expect. And it also sounds that

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Speaker 2: even in moments of stress, or moments of a bit

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Speaker 2: of chaos, or moments of you know, a bit of unpleasantness,

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Speaker 2: it is still very important for parents to parents so

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Speaker 2: that you don't kind of get caught up in especially

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Speaker 2: if your child is for whatever reason, they're tired, they're sleepy,

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Speaker 2: they need connection, they need to be affirmed if your

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Speaker 2: child is acting out, that you, as the parent, still

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Speaker 2: manage to parents that you know. This idea that you

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Speaker 2: often speak about that parents should not be their children's friends.

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Speaker 2: Of course, they must love and you know, affirm and

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Speaker 2: be kind to their children and support them, et cetera.

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Speaker 2: But it is always important that you are the parent.

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Speaker 2: And this sounds like one of those moments where parents

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Speaker 2: must not forget that they are the parents, and so

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Speaker 2: they must be in control of the situation.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we've got to be the captain of the ship

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Speaker 3: because children don't like a leadership vacuum, because if there

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Speaker 3: is a leadership vacuum, they will step into it and

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Speaker 3: it's completely inappropriate. So parenting is a team sport, it's

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Speaker 3: a family affair. It's never a solo act. And our

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Speaker 3: children actually become resilient because someone walks beside them or

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Speaker 3: someone walks in front of them. And that's our job

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Speaker 3: to be that steady hand, to be the soft landing

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Speaker 3: when required, to be the boundary and also the compass

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Speaker 3: when things are you know, when times are disruptive, And

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Speaker 3: I promise in every single family and in every single

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Speaker 3: child's life, there won't be one disruptive moment. There will

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Speaker 3: be multiple disruptive moments because this is life. This is

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Speaker 3: how we learn. Things don't go our way. Your child

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Speaker 3: doesn't make a team, they get dropped from a team,

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Speaker 3: and how they respond is a true reflection of their resilience.

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Speaker 3: So resilience is something that children don't carry alone. They

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Speaker 3: become resilient not because life is easy, but because we

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Speaker 3: show them how to do it and coregulation between parent

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Speaker 3: and child and connection are actually the backbone of resilience.

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Speaker 3: So we need to go back to the earlier point

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Speaker 3: mirror for our child how to respond in certain situations.

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Speaker 3: And sometimes that means that in public we show our

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Speaker 3: children how to be good losers, how to be good sportsmen.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't mean they won't come home and have a

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Speaker 3: good cry with you, or stamp their feet and tell

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Speaker 3: you that they're really angry that something happened. That's really

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Speaker 3: good because remember, emotions are just information and they give

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Speaker 3: us direction of where to have the conversation. We want

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Speaker 3: our children to feel, We want them to express themselves,

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Speaker 3: but we need them to do it in a socially

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Speaker 3: appropriate way.

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Speaker 2: And how important is it as well in that moment

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Speaker 2: to celebrate what's going well, certainly for yourself, maybe not

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Speaker 2: with your kids as you manage the situation, but for

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Speaker 2: yourself as you try to manage you know, this tantrum

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Speaker 2: in the middle of the shops or whatever is happening.

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Speaker 2: Why is that so important?

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Speaker 3: So if you want to pat yourself on the back,

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Speaker 3: and you should, because nobody else is going to ring

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Speaker 3: your bell, I promise you you do need to celebrate

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Speaker 3: the small ones, whether it is that you managed to

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Speaker 3: nip a tantrum in the bud, or maybe that you

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Speaker 3: allowed your child to actually scream and shout for five

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Speaker 3: whole minutes without intervening, not in the supermarket, but say

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Speaker 3: in the privacy of your car, in the privacy of

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Speaker 3: your home. Because we need to allow our children to

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Speaker 3: get to the end of an emotion, and so often

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Speaker 3: we are actually raising emotional dwarfs because we try and

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Speaker 3: shut our children down quickly by handing them a device.

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Speaker 3: Because a device will shut your child up because it

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Speaker 3: will distract them from the feeling or the emotion. So

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Speaker 3: there are moments when it's really good to allow your

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Speaker 3: child to weep and weal and stamp their feet, as

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Speaker 3: long as they're not hurting anyone and as long as

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Speaker 3: they are not hurting you. And when you've got really

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Speaker 3: little children, here's a good tip. When they are really

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Speaker 3: losing it or they're really upset, you can hold them very,

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Speaker 3: very tight, like you would swaddle a baby. You can

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Speaker 3: hold them tight in your arms and allow them to

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Speaker 3: fight against the pressure that you are exerting on them.

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Speaker 1: Not because you.

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Speaker 3: Want to stop them from feeling, but you're actually allowing

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Speaker 3: them to push against some resistance. And I'm not sure

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Speaker 3: if you've ever ever had that opportunity goox, But after

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Speaker 3: my husband's dead, I cried a lot for at least

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Speaker 3: two and a half years, and sometimes I literally needed

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Speaker 3: to beat someone's chest because I was so upset and

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Speaker 3: so angry. And some of the best moments were when

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Speaker 3: somebody held me so tight that I actually had to

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Speaker 3: fight against them, and then I really expressed a lot

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Speaker 3: of emotion. So it's an interesting situation to be in

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Speaker 3: with children when things aren't going their way, because.

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Speaker 1: There are many different ways to respond.

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Speaker 3: But I think what I've tried to demonstrate today is

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Speaker 3: that they need a team in order to build that

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Speaker 3: resilience in order to go through the tough times. They

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Speaker 3: need us to be standing next to them. They need

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Speaker 3: us to be holding them tight, They need us to

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Speaker 3: be journeying with them when those melted downs happen.

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Speaker 2: And I guess the other thing about this conversation, for

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Speaker 2: a lot of parents, if not all parents, it's going

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Speaker 2: to take a few tries. There'll be times when you

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Speaker 2: get it right. There will be times when you sort

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Speaker 2: of get it right. But like you always say, if

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Speaker 2: parents are open to it. Parenthood can be transformative for

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Speaker 2: them too. Obviously it's transformative for their kids, but it

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Speaker 2: feels like it's also the kind of thing you're just

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Speaker 2: going to have to keep working at and sometimes you'll

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Speaker 2: get it, sometimes you won't, but you know, at least

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Speaker 2: be predictable about your response.

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Speaker 3: Yes, there's no perfect script for being a parent. It

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Speaker 3: really is about creating the solutions on the run in

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Speaker 3: response to what's happening in the world with your child.

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Speaker 3: Try to be less reactive, try to be more proactive

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Speaker 3: and responsive, because that's what's going to help your child

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Speaker 3: to feel safer and to get through these red card

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Speaker 3: moments in life.

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Speaker 2: Nicki has always a great player having you on the show.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, girks.

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Speaker 2: That is our resident parenting and human potential expert, Nikki Bosh.

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Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

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Speaker 2: seven no tu Land. We start with a bit of

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Speaker 2: jazz Jazz that's coming up next weekend. We'll speak to

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Speaker 2: the co organizer Mossa's Toilet. But first, a very busy

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Speaker 2: sporting weekend, so let's check in with you later as

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Speaker 2: I witness new sport,