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Speaker 1: Relationship issues, relationship talk. I'm seven two, So just a

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Speaker 1: quick reminder that this is adult radio, so no kids

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Speaker 1: are allowed for this conversation because we're talking about adult conversations.

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Speaker 1: We're having adult conversations. So on our relationship and sex

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Speaker 1: feature this morning, we are discussing having sex and how

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Speaker 1: to navigate having sex with a new partner or someone

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Speaker 1: new after you have perhaps been single for a long time,

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Speaker 1: maybe you were celibate for a number of years, or

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Speaker 1: maybe you were bereaved, maybe you were going through divorce,

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Speaker 1: whatever reason, and you sort of are trying not to

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Speaker 1: get anxiety creep in. You don't want comparison to kick in.

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Speaker 1: So whether it's a casual encountered to just be a

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Speaker 1: one night stand, or maybe it's a passionate experience that

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Speaker 1: signals the beginning of a more serious connection, first time

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Speaker 1: sex with a new partner can be a little nerve wracking. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: whether you've experienced it, or you are truly experienced yourself

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Speaker 1: in the bedroom, or you're in novice. One of the

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Speaker 1: reasons that sex with a new partner feels so intimidating

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Speaker 1: is because you just don't know what constitutes normal. You

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Speaker 1: just don't have any gauge by which to measure your experiences,

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Speaker 1: because what worked on your last partner or with your

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Speaker 1: last partner might not work with this one. So couples

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Speaker 1: tend to be so nervous and over excited that they

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Speaker 1: skip for play and they switch to sexual intercourse too quickly.

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Speaker 1: But there's no reason why having sex with a new

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Speaker 1: partner should be anything other than a brilliant experience, because

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Speaker 1: it's all about how we approach it and our mindset.

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Speaker 1: With a little help, there's no reason why you can't

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Speaker 1: venture into the world of sex again feeling over well.

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Speaker 1: I'm empowered and excited. So I would like to know

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Speaker 1: from you. How are you finding sex again after the

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Speaker 1: death of a partner, How are you finding sex again

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Speaker 1: after divorce? Hum or maybe the end after an end

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Speaker 1: of a very long term relationship. How did you feel

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Speaker 1: the first time you slept with someone new? Were you anxious?

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Speaker 1: Is there specific person you had sex with for the

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Speaker 1: first time and you were so anxious or you were

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Speaker 1: worried about comparisons or what helped you feel more comfortable

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Speaker 1: or confident? Then what do you keep in mind to

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Speaker 1: make things less never wrecking? You can join this conversation

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Speaker 1: by calling us on one one eight eight three h

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Speaker 1: seven or two oh inder, what's a voice note on

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Speaker 1: OH seven two? Or a text on OH seven two

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Speaker 1: seven oh two one seven two. Tracy Zeman Jacobs is

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Speaker 1: an intimacy and relationship coach who's going to guide us

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Speaker 1: through this important conversation. Tracy, Welcome to the show. Good morning,

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Speaker 1: Happy Friday.

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Speaker 2: Good morning, Happy Friday. Thank you, Clement, thank you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, why does sex with a new partner often feel

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Speaker 1: so intimidating and exciting? Even for people who are more

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Speaker 1: experienced than they've done this thing before?

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Speaker 2: Here? So, Clement, you know you've I'm sure we've all

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Speaker 2: heard this, this tongue in cheeks saying that the best

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Speaker 2: way to get over somebody is to get under another. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So sometimes that's true and sometimes it's not true. But

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Speaker 2: so why is it so intimidating? Well, because you know,

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Speaker 2: you're so used to being with As you said in

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Speaker 2: your intro, so you're so used to being with somebody

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Speaker 2: for so long, and it's you know, you know their rhythm,

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Speaker 2: you know their touch, you know their smell, you know

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Speaker 2: their little idiosyncrasies. You're used to them, and so being

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Speaker 2: with somebody new is about learning somebody's habits and their

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Speaker 2: smells and their touch, and things are different, and sometimes

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Speaker 2: it's nice difference and sometimes it's not so nice different.

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Speaker 2: And the nerves and the anxiety is actually more common

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Speaker 2: than people realize, because more and more people are finding

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Speaker 2: the self single again in their forties and their fifties,

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Speaker 2: and the idea of being intimate with someone you can

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Speaker 2: feel absolutely terrifying. So I think the most important thing

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Speaker 2: to do is to acknowledge that this it's okay to

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Speaker 2: feel nervous, and it's okay to feel vulnerable because your

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Speaker 2: body has a memory and it's a big deal. So

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Speaker 2: the first step is really just giving yourself permission to

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Speaker 2: be a beginner again, without judgment and without pressure and

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Speaker 2: without the expectation that it has to be perfect.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, permission to be a beginner again. Because often, you know,

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Speaker 1: I've gotten calls on this show, on this feature where

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Speaker 1: especially women mostly who call in and if there are

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Speaker 1: men who have a similar experience, please share it with us.

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Speaker 1: But women would call in and say, Oh, I've been

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Speaker 1: celebrated for so long and I'm so worried that maybe

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Speaker 1: I've missed like how things are now being done right,

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Speaker 1: then they're thinking it's sexual sex or have I missed

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Speaker 1: out on something because I have been out of the

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Speaker 1: game for so long. So women who would call in

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Speaker 1: who say, since my divorce, I've not had sex and

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Speaker 1: it's been whatever two years, three years, and I am

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Speaker 1: so anxious that if I go back into the sex scene,

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Speaker 1: do am I even gonna do it right? So, and

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Speaker 1: the more you've got those questions, I suppose traces you

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Speaker 1: end up getting into that intercourse and you are not

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Speaker 1: too comfortable, which then also affects the kind of experience

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Speaker 1: that you have. Would you advise our listeners who are

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Speaker 1: anxious or they're about to get back into the sex

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Speaker 1: scene to have a conversation about it with the person

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Speaker 1: they are gonna be having sex with, or is it

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Speaker 1: also okay to just go, let's see where this leads us.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think you know, I'm communication is key, as

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Speaker 2: I've always said, to every relationship, whether it be a

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Speaker 2: long term or a short term or whatnot, stand and

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Speaker 2: I think it's very important to disclose upfront that you know,

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Speaker 2: this is I haven't done this for a long time,

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Speaker 2: or I haven't had sex for a while, this is

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Speaker 2: new to me, I've never, you know, been in a

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Speaker 2: long term relationship for a long or I've been cellar

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Speaker 2: but for a long time. So have the conversation and

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Speaker 2: tell the other person that I'm feeling nervous and can

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Speaker 2: we just take the slow And I think that depending

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Speaker 2: on the partner that you want. If the partner is disrespectful,

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Speaker 2: then you know, you get out. And of course consent

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Speaker 2: is the number one key to any relationship, any consensual

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Speaker 2: adult relationship, and at any point you can say no

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Speaker 2: if it's not feeling safe. But communication just means that

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Speaker 2: you're telling them what feels good, and you know, you're

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Speaker 2: allowing curiosity to flow, You're checking in all the time,

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Speaker 2: feeling that it's not awkward, and allowing conversation to take

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Speaker 2: place throughout the whole experience. So yeah, that's my that

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Speaker 2: would be my advist. Definitely have the conversation before.

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Speaker 1: And what should I do? The limitations of that conversations

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Speaker 1: because there are people who think about performance anxiety are tracy,

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Speaker 1: and I mean, you know, when mostly when two people

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Speaker 1: are still new in each other's lives and they're really excited,

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Speaker 1: I mean they can sometimes they can get kinky and

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Speaker 1: they talk dirty, about what they're going to do to

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Speaker 1: each other, and oh, this is who I am, this

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Speaker 1: is what I do, I take control, I do this,

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Speaker 1: or and sometimes some people will feel intimidated by that

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Speaker 1: in that Oh my goodness, how do I meet this

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Speaker 1: person at that moment? Because it looks like they are,

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Speaker 1: you know, they are like quite something in bed, and

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Speaker 1: I wonder if in that communication is it okay too,

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Speaker 1: especially if you haven't this is someone you you are

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Speaker 1: going to have sex with for the first time, is

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Speaker 1: it okay to go that far in as far as

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Speaker 1: over selling yourself or just have a rational conversation about, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what do you like? What do I like? What are

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Speaker 1: you concerned about whether the dews while are they don'ts?

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Speaker 1: Or is it okay to get overly excited and just

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Speaker 1: overseell yourself and talk about how amazing you are, because that,

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Speaker 1: I think does put pressure on the next person to think,

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Speaker 1: whoa what am I getting into?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I think that it's okay to be playful, and

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Speaker 2: it's okay to flirt, but I think honesty is the

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Speaker 2: best policy. If somebody is being too kinky or making

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Speaker 2: you feel awkward, it's absolutely perfectly fine to say I'm

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Speaker 2: not really into that, or I prefer something a little

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Speaker 2: bit softer, or actually I prefer to if somebody take

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Speaker 2: if you take control, or I prefer to be more submissive,

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Speaker 2: or oh that sounds a little bit risky. I'm not

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Speaker 2: quite sure if I'm into that, or I'm still finding

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Speaker 2: my feet with this, so please be patient with me,

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Speaker 2: or you know, it's it's really that honesty is the

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Speaker 2: foundation of all good sex, because when you feel safe

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Speaker 2: with somebody, your body can actually relax and respond, and

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Speaker 2: that's when connection starts to happen. So it doesn't have

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Speaker 2: to be this heavy clinical discussion. It can just be

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Speaker 2: simple and a playful really so into that, you know.

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Speaker 2: But what I really would love to explore is this,

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Speaker 2: or I get really turned on by that or something

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Speaker 2: along those lines.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, how long should someone wait until they sleep with

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Speaker 1: someone new? And and how do you know when you're

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Speaker 1: actually ready? And especially for people who have not done

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Speaker 1: this for a while, So someone who perhaps lost their

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Speaker 1: partner spouse, and all they remember about sex is with

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Speaker 1: that person and this is now the first time that

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Speaker 1: they're going to do it with someone different since the bereavement,

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Speaker 1: or maybe it's someone who's going through divorce. You know,

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Speaker 1: all they remember about sex is actually having it with

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Speaker 1: the person that they're now divorced with or a partner

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Speaker 1: that they are now no longer together with, because there

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Speaker 1: are in a long term relationship. So how do they

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Speaker 1: know that, Okay, I think I'm actually ready here? And

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Speaker 1: because the long part, I suppose that's subjective, right, It's

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Speaker 1: about how you feel for someone. It maybe three months

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Speaker 1: for somebody, It maybe two days for the next person.

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Speaker 1: It may take a year. But how do you know that, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm actually ready to step into this and re step

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Speaker 1: into this environ.

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Speaker 2: Yea, Well, some people take a long time to start

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Speaker 2: dating again, whereas other people go straight into the dating scene.

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Speaker 2: Some people might have one night stands to get over

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Speaker 2: the other. You know, as as my opening statement, you know,

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Speaker 2: the best way to get over someone is to get

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Speaker 2: under someone. It all really depends on the person, but

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Speaker 2: definitely listening to your body and your body's signals is

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Speaker 2: the best way to identify when you are ready to

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Speaker 2: engage in sexual intimacy again. You meet somebody and if

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Speaker 2: there's a spark and if there's chemistry and you feel

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Speaker 2: the desire is coming back into your body, and you

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Speaker 2: maybe even feel aroused by the touch of a hand

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Speaker 2: or maybe a kiss or something. Then you it's generally

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Speaker 2: quite a good idea to go with what your body

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Speaker 2: is telling you. If you're feeling safe with the person

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Speaker 2: and you've developed quite a nice relationship or a friendship,

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Speaker 2: then you go for it. If you are okay with

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Speaker 2: one nightstand and there's no confusion around you know, there's

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Speaker 2: a no strings attached agreement and that you don't allow

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Speaker 2: your emotions to get in the way, and you feel

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Speaker 2: that that's okay with where you are, at what stage

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Speaker 2: you are in your relationship, then it's really about listening

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Speaker 2: to your body and trusting yourself. But it's also you know,

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Speaker 2: we also have to be aware that there are dangers

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Speaker 2: around one nightstands and things like that. We need to

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Speaker 2: be prepared to protect ourselves from sexual diseases from being

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Speaker 2: around people who we don't know. You know, the dangers

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Speaker 2: of one night stands, but they can also be fun.

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Speaker 2: It can be lots of fun. So the timeframe, as

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Speaker 2: you said, is rarely dependent on the person and the situation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I've got some voice notes already coming through on

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Speaker 1: our seven to seven or two and seven or too.

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Speaker 1: Let's start here.

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Speaker 3: Good morning, Cleveman. This is the same I say the

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Speaker 3: best way to stop being having performance anxiety When you

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Speaker 3: say a new partner, it's best that you communicate like

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Speaker 3: maybe the day before or Julie, the day that we

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Speaker 3: are going to have sex, and then that way you

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Speaker 3: will be comfortable with hair, and then you that.

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Speaker 4: Day you'll be comfortable with hair and you have reading.

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Speaker 4: We have reading this like premature educulation because most men

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Speaker 4: experience premature mucilation because of performance anxiety.

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Speaker 1: Went there with their new partner.

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Speaker 4: So it's best that you communicate with their June the

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Speaker 4: day that this is what you are going to do.

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Speaker 4: Because failure to communicate Clement is going to lead to

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Speaker 4: a situation where say you're you have a much change,

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Speaker 4: it might be.

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Speaker 3: Your relationship.

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Speaker 4: She might see you as a failure and then from

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Speaker 4: that time she might no longer have an appetite you

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Speaker 4: have sex with you.

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Speaker 1: So communication is key. M Yeah, And as you said

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Speaker 1: earlier on Tracy, the importance of communication. How is sex

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Speaker 1: though with someone new after a long term relationship or

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Speaker 1: a divorce or a death of a partner, how can

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Speaker 1: because other people Tracy have to navigate the feelings of guilt.

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Speaker 1: You know, you feel a bit guilty that, oh my goodness,

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Speaker 1: I'm doing this and I lost my partner, you know,

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Speaker 1: whenever time ago, six months ago, three years ago, whatever

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Speaker 1: the case is with you, or you know, right after divorce,

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Speaker 1: because you're getting back into the scene. So how does

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Speaker 1: one navigate those feelings of guilt or even the feelings

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Speaker 1: of comparison because this is what you were used to,

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Speaker 1: this is how you had sex with your partner, and

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Speaker 1: now here we are someone does it completely differently and

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Speaker 1: maybe they don't know how to better do it like

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Speaker 1: your partner, your spouse, or your deceased partner did it.

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Speaker 1: How do you navigate those feelings when you're becoming intimate again.

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Speaker 2: Experience is awkward everything, you know, It's like the first

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Speaker 2: time you have sex with anybody is awkward. You're fumbling

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Speaker 2: around you if you're a virgin, we all have start

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Speaker 2: off as virgins. You don't know what you're doing, so

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Speaker 2: it's always an awkward and I think it's very important

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Speaker 2: that we normalize that because we've been sold on this idea,

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Speaker 2: especially from the movies, that sex with someone new is

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Speaker 2: going to be this passionate as spontaneous fireworks everywhere. Experience

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Speaker 2: is going to be orgasmic every time. And a lot

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Speaker 2: of the time you're lying there feeling really awkward that

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Speaker 2: you don't know where to put yourself. You want to

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Speaker 2: perform to your best, you want to be you're the

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Speaker 2: best lover you can be, and there's so much stuff

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Speaker 2: going on in your head that it can be very,

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Speaker 2: very awkward. So great sex with somebody new is usually

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Speaker 2: it doesn't usually happen on the first attempt because you're

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Speaker 2: still learning each other's bodies and that takes time. So

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Speaker 2: communication is key again, and there should be like a

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Speaker 2: willingness to laugh at yourself and just be comfortable enough

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Speaker 2: to be able to say, you know, this is new

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Speaker 2: and a new time, and let's just be paid with

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Speaker 2: one another. And if there are embarrassing moments like your

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Speaker 2: guest mentioned the caller mentioned earlier about premature ejaculation or

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Speaker 2: erectile dysfunction, you know you just kind of laugh at

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Speaker 2: and say this is new for us both, and let's

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Speaker 2: try again later. Let's go and have something to eat,

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Speaker 2: or let's go and drink something. Let's take a break

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Speaker 2: and we can try again later. So the more open

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Speaker 2: we are, the more willing we are just to say,

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Speaker 2: let's just go with the flow, let's have fun. This

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Speaker 2: doesn't have to be so serious. Funnily enough, sometimes in

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Speaker 2: the heat of the passion, that is when we are

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Speaker 2: the most orgasmic. It doesn't always work out that we

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Speaker 2: are that that problems arise. Sometimes, as I say, when

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Speaker 2: the sparks are flying and the hormones, the love hormones

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Speaker 2: are flying and we're feeling all this arousal, our bodies

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Speaker 2: become orgasmic, and then it can be a wonderful experience

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Speaker 2: for both. It's not always so bad.

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Speaker 1: How important does four play in scenarios like that? Why

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Speaker 1: do couples often rush past it?

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Speaker 2: Well, as I just explained, sometimes for play doesn't happen

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Speaker 2: because of the rush of the chemicals in the body

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Speaker 2: and we're suddenly so aroused, especially if we haven't had

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Speaker 2: sex for a long time and there's this chemistry and

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Speaker 2: there's so much erotic energy going on between the two

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Speaker 2: and we are we become orgasmic immediately. Other times, if

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Speaker 2: we're both having a conversation and we're saying I want

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Speaker 2: to go slow and I want for play, and you know,

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Speaker 2: if the couple one of the partners is able to say,

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Speaker 2: slow down, please, slow down, let's take this slow. I

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Speaker 2: want you to do this to me, and I want

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Speaker 2: you to do that to me. As long as it's

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Speaker 2: consensual and we're both having this conversation, then fore play

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Speaker 2: is beautiful and very important. And then we can talk more,

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Speaker 2: a little bit to the left, a little to the right, softer, harder, slower,

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Speaker 2: whatever the case may be, and then for play is

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Speaker 2: well hopefully lead to a wonderful orgasmic experience as well,

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Speaker 2: but also increase the pleasure aspect of having sex, because

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Speaker 2: we forget that we have to be we have to

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Speaker 2: experience pleasure in our bodies. Sometimes when we don't, when

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Speaker 2: it's all one night stand or if it's a very

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Speaker 2: passionate experience, we're more in our bodies and not in

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Speaker 2: our heads, whereas if we take it too slow sometimes

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Speaker 2: we're more in our heads and not in our bodies.

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Speaker 2: So the whole point is really to experience a full

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Speaker 2: body experience instead of a checklist in our heads.

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Speaker 1: One to learn. Yeah, so sorry, finish your point there, Tracy, No.

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Speaker 2: I just said that's something you also learn with time

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Speaker 2: with a new partner.

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm. One, one, eight, eight, three seven two. All right,

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Speaker 1: after the latest in eyewitness news headlines. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: go straight to your cause I see or what's the

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Speaker 1: voice notes that are coming through? How confident are you

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Speaker 1: and how comfortable are you with actually being honest about

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Speaker 1: your likes and dislikes when it comes to sex, especially

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Speaker 1: when you have in sex with someone for the very

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Speaker 1: first time. If you've just joined us, we are having

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Speaker 1: a conversation on our sex feature this morning. It's adult radio,

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Speaker 1: so the kids are not allowed, and we're talking about

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Speaker 1: how to navigate sex with a new partner or someone

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Speaker 1: new after you have perhaps been celebrated for a while,

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Speaker 1: or maybe you have just come out of a relationship,

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Speaker 1: a long term relationship, and that's the last time you

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Speaker 1: actually were sexually active. Maybe you were bereaved, or maybe

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Speaker 1: you have just gone through divorce and you have not

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Speaker 1: gotten back into the sex scene and now you're considering it.

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Speaker 1: What are your concerns And in a case where you're

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Speaker 1: about to do it with someone new for the very

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Speaker 1: first time, how do you navigate what you like and

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Speaker 1: what you don't like. Are you a type of person

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Speaker 1: that goes well, let's see how it goes and where

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Speaker 1: this takes us, or are you more clearer even from

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Speaker 1: the beginning about what you like and what you don't like.

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Speaker 1: Because for some reason communication around sex and what people

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Speaker 1: like and what they don't like, that's very rare, doesn't

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Speaker 1: happen a lot, and yet it could be the very

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Speaker 1: thing that actually helped improve your experience even with your partner.

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Speaker 1: Share your thoughts with us, please, and your experiences oh

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Speaker 1: one one eighty eight three h seven oh two. What's up?

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Speaker 1: Seven two seven oh two one seven oh two. It's

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Speaker 1: eleven thirty relationship issues, relationship talk on seven oh two.

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Speaker 1: It's twenty two minutes before twelve outlog. This is our

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Speaker 1: relationship and sex feature its adult radio, so no kids

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Speaker 1: are allowed today. We're having a conversation about how to

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Speaker 1: navigate sex with a new partner after you have been

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Speaker 1: single for a while. Maybe you went through divorce and

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Speaker 1: you've just been struggling to be sexually active since your divorce,

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Speaker 1: Maybe because you are so too anxious, or you are

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Speaker 1: always comparing, or maybe because you were bereaved and now

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Speaker 1: you have to get back into the sex scene. How

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Speaker 1: have you been navigating that? Oh, maybe it was a

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Speaker 1: long period of celibacy for you, and now you've come

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Speaker 1: on the other side and you're ready to re engage.

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Speaker 1: How are you finding that and how comfortable are you

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Speaker 1: with actually being honest about what your likes and dislikes are.

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Speaker 1: I'm taking your calls on OH one one eight eight

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Speaker 1: three oh seven O two. You can send us your

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Speaker 1: what's up voice notes as well on OH seven two

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Speaker 1: seven O two one seven oh two. Tracy Zeeman J.

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Speaker 1: Cobbs is an intimacy and relationship coach who's guiding us

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Speaker 1: through this conversation. Let's start with your calls on OH

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Speaker 1: one eight eight three h seven oh two. Balentle, you

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Speaker 1: are calling us from Renfontein.

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Speaker 5: Good morning, Hi Clement and Tracy. How are you?

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Speaker 1: Ah? Good, good Balente? How are you? What's your experience?

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Speaker 1: What do you want to share with us?

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Speaker 6: So I lost my partner for years to call, I'm

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Speaker 6: sorry having sex, especially with new partners more especially if

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Speaker 6: they are loving and caring, like there are other people

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Speaker 6: that you meet along the way and they don't really

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Speaker 6: love you.

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Speaker 7: Don't care about you.

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Speaker 5: I feel like I do very well with so there's.

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Speaker 7: No emotions, there's nothing but the minute you start paying

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Speaker 7: a thing, like you start showing a little detle emotions,

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Speaker 7: showing that you like me a little bit, Like it's

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Speaker 7: not about being anxious anymore. It's at a point where

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Speaker 7: I literally break down and tig and you don't want

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Speaker 7: to be doing that with people who just met.

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Speaker 5: So yeah, I don't know what Tracey.

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Speaker 7: Has to say about it, even because I'm not ready

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Speaker 7: or part of the grieving chin.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so just to clarify in Valentina, and I'm so

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Speaker 1: sorry to hear about your partner. To clarify, are you

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Speaker 1: saying that when you are having so when you are

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Speaker 1: sexually active with people you know, and maybe it's a

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Speaker 1: one night stand or it's people that don't really care

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Speaker 1: much about you and you about them, that's much easier

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Speaker 1: to have sex with than people who show who have

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Speaker 1: invested emotionally.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, because that is because.

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Speaker 5: It brings you a lot of emotions.

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Speaker 7: And I don't always feel the need to explain to

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Speaker 7: the people that I love my partner. Some I don't

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Speaker 7: want to talk about it, but then it tends and

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Speaker 7: it manifests itself during that moment when we are intimate.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, during the moment, sure, Yeah, thank you so much,

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Speaker 1: Valentia for raising for raising that and sharing that experience

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Speaker 1: with us.

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Speaker 2: Tracy, Yeah, Valente, thank you for sharing with us, and

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Speaker 2: again sorry for your last It makes perfect sense what

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Speaker 2: you're saying, because when you're in a long term relationship,

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Speaker 2: vulnerability steps in and emotional intimacy is required in a

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Speaker 2: relationship in for that to be deep connection, for that

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Speaker 2: to be deep intimacy. And of course I can understand you.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to share yourself completely vulnerably with another

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Speaker 2: human being because it's too sore and you're still healing.

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Speaker 2: So it makes sense that when you are having a

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Speaker 2: one night stand or no strings attach attached sexual relationship

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Speaker 2: with somebody, that it's easier for you because you can

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Speaker 2: just walk out and leave with your soul intact, and

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Speaker 2: you haven't really shared much of yourself emotionally with that person.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I think what you really need to do

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Speaker 2: is just take more time or wait until the right

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00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:55,040
Speaker 2: person arrives, and then you will feel more safe around

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Speaker 2: the right person who comes along. And then when you

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Speaker 2: feel that safety to be more vulnerable, then you know

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Speaker 2: that you can open up in more emotionally. If that

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Speaker 2: makes sense.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, let's go to Calvin. Now who is calling

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Speaker 1: us from Johannes But Calvin, good.

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Speaker 8: Morning, Bhi Clement, how are you?

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Speaker 1: I'm all right, I'm all right, Calvin. What's your experience?

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Speaker 1: Thanks for calling.

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Speaker 8: You're welcome. My experience is that you know what it's

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Speaker 8: as a gay man, I would just be honest with

435
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 8: this one. As a gay man, for one, was very

436
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,760
Speaker 8: difficult for quite a long time, because someone is an

437
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 8: introverted and so forth, and finding partners was not easy.

438
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 8: But the thing is, what I wanted to bring to

439
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 8: people's attention is that when one gets a new partner

440
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 8: in their lives, Let's say, for instance, in an example,

441
00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 8: that the person is also has been syllable for quite

442
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 8: a long time, and this person was maybe probably used

443
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,520
Speaker 8: to do masturbation and.

444
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:10,960
Speaker 6: It's not used to the real intimacy as as.

445
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:11,800
Speaker 5: The other partner.

446
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:15,320
Speaker 8: You need to be patient with the person in the beginning.

447
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 8: It's not going to be easy for the person to

448
00:29:17,680 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 8: get intimate in such a way that you want them

449
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,680
Speaker 8: to be. But it takes time and patience for you

450
00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 8: to to to to actually show him that no, it's okay,

451
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,120
Speaker 8: you will get to to where we want to go.

452
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 8: So you need to have that open communication with the person,

453
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 8: whether you communicate, because absolutely, if you don't do that,

454
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 8: you would always be single because you are not accommodating

455
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 8: the other person with their flaws and everything. Because it's

456
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 8: not easy you could find the person. Even this issue

457
00:29:57,440 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 8: of coming within they will say two minute noodles, will

458
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 8: come within a second. It's okay. There is what we say.

459
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,840
Speaker 8: Is the first round, it's the second round, is the

460
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 8: fifth round, is the fourth round. It's okay. Don't be

461
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:17,160
Speaker 8: ashamed that you come within two seconds. Yes, it's okay.

462
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 8: Maybe it was the excitement and everything, but along the way,

463
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 8: along the journey, you won't even come within a second

464
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:31,440
Speaker 8: because of the improvement. You won't take time to come

465
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:35,840
Speaker 8: because the pattern that you have currently now is patient

466
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:39,360
Speaker 8: with you and understand where you are coming from.

467
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,760
Speaker 1: Absolutely, Colvin, thank you so much, man, thank you for.

468
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 2: The two minute noodle. It took me a while to

469
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 2: get that.

470
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,680
Speaker 1: Yeah. But I mean what he really stresses there is

471
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 1: the issue of patience, tracy, because sometimes maybe we do

472
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,479
Speaker 1: as people, get to be impatient with someone so you think, okay,

473
00:31:05,240 --> 00:31:10,160
Speaker 1: why did they you know, sort of reach an orgasm

474
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 1: in shot such a short space of time. I still

475
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 1: wasn't satisfied or all the other way around, whatever the cases.

476
00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 1: But how important then is just have patience. Understand that

477
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 1: this was the first time. These are the beginning stages.

478
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:27,360
Speaker 1: Let's continuously talk about what we like, what we don't like,

479
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,680
Speaker 1: what's working for us, what's not working for us, until

480
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:37,520
Speaker 1: we mold what really truly benefits both of us exactly perfect. Yeah,

481
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: here's a what's up voice? Not that's also come through

482
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,440
Speaker 1: on seven two seven O two and seven or two.

483
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,680
Speaker 9: Very good one is seven or two on the team. Yeah,

484
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:51,040
Speaker 9: mister tlem part is very very complex, I would say,

485
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 9: you know, in the sense that some of the individuals

486
00:31:56,640 --> 00:32:00,320
Speaker 9: when you are to to to be in you met

487
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:05,960
Speaker 9: with them for the first time, they are sort of ashamed,

488
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 9: you know, of communicating of what is it that they

489
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:15,360
Speaker 9: like and what is it that they don't they don't like,

490
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:23,920
Speaker 9: you know, and as a result, you will follow your heart.

491
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 9: You will resort to the experience that you have, you

492
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:36,400
Speaker 9: know that you might have got specifically from previous encounters.

493
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 9: You know, however, only to find out that the way

494
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 9: you did to this person didn't enjoy it all, you know,

495
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:51,600
Speaker 9: I think it's very very trigue human so I would

496
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 9: prefer a person to communicate with me to be frank.

497
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:59,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is an anonymous Thank you so much, anonymous.

498
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: What advice do you have, Tracy for people who want

499
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 1: to be able to communicate but they just don't know

500
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:12,280
Speaker 1: how to because for some reason, we as a people,

501
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: we are just so scared to we find it uncomfortable

502
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:19,240
Speaker 1: to talk about what you like and what you don't like.

503
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:21,800
Speaker 1: And I find that, you know, some people will be

504
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:23,960
Speaker 1: free to call in on the show or when they're

505
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,280
Speaker 1: chilling with their friends, they can talk about sex and

506
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 1: what they like. But the minute they have to talk

507
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 1: to the people they have sex with, that's when it

508
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:36,000
Speaker 1: gets a little tricky. What's your advice how do you

509
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:40,239
Speaker 1: advise couples to start this conversation in a way that is,

510
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 1: you know, comfortable and building and not blaming.

511
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. We don't

512
00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:53,280
Speaker 2: know how to talk about sex. We weren't taught how

513
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:56,480
Speaker 2: to be open about what we want and what we

514
00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:00,920
Speaker 2: don't want, and that is part of the very big

515
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:06,720
Speaker 2: issue here. So my advice about how to talk about

516
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 2: sex is to be curious, to ask questions that are

517
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 2: big questions in a way like to be more curious

518
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 2: about getting to know the person and making them feel

519
00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:32,200
Speaker 2: safe first, to try to establish trust and open conversations

520
00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 2: about luck. When you were a young boy or a

521
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:40,799
Speaker 2: young girl, what did you love to eat? And when

522
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,680
Speaker 2: you ate that as cream? How did that make you feel?

523
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 2: Try to we're not born psychologists, we're not born therapists,

524
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,800
Speaker 2: but to be curious about the way in which we

525
00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:58,360
Speaker 2: feel about things. And then when I touch you like this,

526
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 2: how does that make you feel? When I want to

527
00:35:03,719 --> 00:35:06,360
Speaker 2: reach for your hand, or when I kiss you like that,

528
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:12,600
Speaker 2: how does that make you feel? If I hold you? Know,

529
00:35:12,719 --> 00:35:17,280
Speaker 2: if I tickle you in this way, is the pressure nice?

530
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,760
Speaker 2: Would you prefer as softer pressure or a harder pressure?

531
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:26,399
Speaker 2: So using more language, we don't know how to use

532
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:30,200
Speaker 2: language when it comes to sex. So it's about trying

533
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:35,320
Speaker 2: to be more curious using as much different language as possible,

534
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:39,560
Speaker 2: and it takes practice. It also takes a moment to

535
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:46,200
Speaker 2: be more creative, as I've said, asking how things taste,

536
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 2: what it smells like, and that really goes into your

537
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:57,239
Speaker 2: pleasure center, identifying your five senses, what you see, what

538
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,319
Speaker 2: you taste, what you smell, what you hear, and you

539
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:08,560
Speaker 2: touch it's about being curious about that. So if I

540
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:14,920
Speaker 2: this this food, or is it tasty? Is it sour?

541
00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:17,920
Speaker 2: Is it sweet? The same thing as when I kiss you,

542
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:22,040
Speaker 2: is it delicious or is it sour? Is it sweet?

543
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,960
Speaker 2: Is it Do you understand what I'm saying. It's allowing

544
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 2: vocabulary to flourish in that kind of way.

545
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, And and a listener now on on twitterist clemon,

546
00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:40,719
Speaker 1: what if the sex is awkward and underwhelming in the

547
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:44,759
Speaker 1: beginning stages, how long then should I give it to improve?

548
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 1: And maybe that is other people's experience, Tracy that okay, fine,

549
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,680
Speaker 1: I was a bit disappointed. It was awkward and it

550
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 1: was underwhelming, But it's been underwhelming and awkward for a

551
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:02,040
Speaker 1: couple of times now, So what's there? What's the appropriate

552
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:04,040
Speaker 1: time is it? Is it? Is it a matter of

553
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,600
Speaker 1: you will know you know how long to give it

554
00:37:07,640 --> 00:37:10,719
Speaker 1: to yourself or is it because I imagine there's no

555
00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:13,920
Speaker 1: prescribed time to say, okay, give it three months. But

556
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 1: what do you advise someone who says, I've tried to

557
00:37:16,719 --> 00:37:19,080
Speaker 1: give it a chance, but it's it's just awkward and

558
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:21,000
Speaker 1: it's underwhelming and it's not getting better.

559
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 2: Well, the question that comes up for me first is

560
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:30,319
Speaker 2: have you spoken to your partner? Is it underwhelming for

561
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 2: them too? Are they also dissatisfied? So if they also say, yeah,

562
00:37:36,040 --> 00:37:39,720
Speaker 2: I'm also not loving the summer, okay, so what would

563
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:44,160
Speaker 2: what kind of sex do you want? That's the big

564
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 2: question is I find that couples are not having the

565
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:52,839
Speaker 2: sex that they want because they're not they're not expressing

566
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 2: what kind of sex they actually want. So if this

567
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:04,280
Speaker 2: this caller is twitter x contributor says I'm not getting

568
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 2: the sex that I want and this is the kind

569
00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:09,560
Speaker 2: of sex that I want, and ask your partner are

570
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:12,720
Speaker 2: you getting the sex that you want? And your partner

571
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 2: says no, not really, Well, then what kind of sex

572
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,360
Speaker 2: do you want? It's a conversation. And then if after

573
00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:25,279
Speaker 2: we've tried again, then maybe we're not sexually compatible. I

574
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:29,839
Speaker 2: don't know if I'm really in line aligned with that

575
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 2: kind of we're not sexually compatible unless, of course we

576
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:37,240
Speaker 2: have completely different ideas. You know, one is into ector

577
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 2: gink or fetishes and the other one isn't. Or I

578
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 2: want to be polyamorous and the other one doesn't, and

579
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:48,480
Speaker 2: so on. But I think that communication, we just need

580
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,160
Speaker 2: to learn how to say what it is that we

581
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:55,320
Speaker 2: want without the other one taking offense, to be open

582
00:38:55,920 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 2: to have that conversation. That for me is the key

583
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:03,600
Speaker 2: to a healthy and pleasurable sex.

584
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:03,919
Speaker 5: Laugh.

585
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 1: All right, here's some of the what's up voice notes

586
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:07,720
Speaker 1: that have come.

587
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 8: Through, Hi, Clement.

588
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 10: My experience is, you know, especially live with the first time,

589
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:20,120
Speaker 10: you know, partners with me. I remember every very very

590
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 10: first time we use a protection here, be aroused and

591
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:27,080
Speaker 10: all of that, but immediately when he puts that condom,

592
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:30,719
Speaker 10: my goodness, it will just go down. It would just

593
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:32,359
Speaker 10: become a sponge.

594
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 2: Listen.

595
00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:36,239
Speaker 10: I used to be so frustrated and it was like,

596
00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 10: my goodness, what's going on here? But then, you know what,

597
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:43,799
Speaker 10: I gave him a change. I've got used to him.

598
00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:47,759
Speaker 10: I realized this was the first time things actually very

599
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,120
Speaker 10: good in coming to love making and all of that.

600
00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 10: And guess what, we're still married even now I'm counting

601
00:39:54,719 --> 00:39:58,399
Speaker 10: twenty years. Yeah, let's just give them a change. I mean,

602
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:00,759
Speaker 10: most of the time, I guess, it's not about you

603
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,920
Speaker 10: don't know how to do it or you don't know

604
00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:06,120
Speaker 10: what you're doing. It's all about excitement things.

605
00:40:06,120 --> 00:40:10,239
Speaker 1: By Yeah, imagine, imagine if you gave up after that

606
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:13,759
Speaker 1: first time. Hey, you probably wouldn't be here with him

607
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 1: after twenty years of marriage. That's great. See that's what

608
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:20,959
Speaker 1: patience does. But also communication, here's another what's up voice?

609
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:25,600
Speaker 11: Not good morning, good morning, good morning morning, seven or

610
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:29,040
Speaker 11: two guys well speaking superannator from how I thing I'm

611
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:34,080
Speaker 11: currently listening to the show. Actually, so according to my story,

612
00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 11: actually seeking the stores out, like I had a long relationship,

613
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,879
Speaker 11: well we dated for eight this we are our present right,

614
00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:48,880
Speaker 11: we broke up this January. So it's very challenging because

615
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,600
Speaker 11: of each and every time when I, you know, try

616
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:57,000
Speaker 11: to maybe you know, to be with someone like each

617
00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,799
Speaker 11: and every moment I think of her, you know, in

618
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,360
Speaker 11: the in that situation.

619
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,880
Speaker 1: So it's very difficult for me.

620
00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:07,960
Speaker 12: So I think maybe I have been held properly, you understand,

621
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:11,680
Speaker 12: because it's not easy, you know. So I don't know

622
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:17,080
Speaker 12: how I should deal with this situation. But yeah, I'm.

623
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:23,520
Speaker 1: Going thank you. Oh shame man, Tracy. He still loves her,

624
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 1: He clearly misses her. Is it wrong to think of

625
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:30,799
Speaker 1: your of an X more meant a lot to you

626
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,319
Speaker 1: during sexual intercourse with someone else, because that's what he's

627
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 1: struggling with.

628
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think it's wrong, per se I just

629
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:42,320
Speaker 2: think it sounds like this caller needs some time to heal.

630
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 2: I mean, they broke up in January after eight years

631
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 2: have been together and now he's trying to get over

632
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:53,879
Speaker 2: her and it's not really working. So I just think

633
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:57,840
Speaker 2: he needs time to mourn the relationship and to heal,

634
00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 2: and when he's ready that he can actually be with

635
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:08,279
Speaker 2: somebody else, that's when he should try again to push it.

636
00:42:08,520 --> 00:42:13,120
Speaker 2: I think is unfair to himself and put pressure on

637
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:17,240
Speaker 2: himself to be able to perform and not to have her.

638
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 2: It hurts a long term relationship like that, and then

639
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 2: to end it and then it's very painful. So he

640
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:28,560
Speaker 2: should just give himself time without having any expectations.

641
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:33,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, all the best, anonymas all the best, Tracy Zeman Jacobs,

642
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,000
Speaker 1: Intimacy and Relationship Coach, thank you so much for guiding

643
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,279
Speaker 1: us through such an important conversation. It's three minutes before

644
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 1: tough