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Speaker 1: Seven o two weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicky Bush.

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Speaker 2: It's twelve minutes after eight o'clock time for us to

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Speaker 2: talk parenting. And this week we were talking about how

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Speaker 2: to get to some of the tips and tricks parents

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Speaker 2: can use to get their kids ready for university.

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Speaker 1: It is that time.

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Speaker 2: I know UJ and Fitz got back to things, I

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Speaker 2: think two weeks ago this week it is uct So

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Speaker 2: it is that time where our high education institutions are

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Speaker 2: getting the academic here off to starting off the academic here.

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Speaker 2: And so how do we help kids who aren't small anymore,

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Speaker 2: but they are still young people? So how do we

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Speaker 2: help them make this very big transition from primary school

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Speaker 2: to high school. We'd love to hear your thoughts off.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps you have a question a no double one eight

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Speaker 2: three or seven oh two. Maybe you have some experience

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Speaker 2: of preparing your kids or helping your kids make that

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Speaker 2: change from high school to university. Send us a message

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Speaker 2: on a seventy two seven odo to one seven two.

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Speaker 2: We'll joined in the studio by a resident human potential

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Speaker 2: and painting expert. Micky Bosch joins us this morning. Mickey,

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Speaker 2: a very good morning too.

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Speaker 3: Good morning, googs do you remember your first of varsity. Well,

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Speaker 3: I didn't go away to university. I went to Australia,

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Speaker 3: so mine was a very different situation. Okay, so it

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Speaker 3: was I guess, a very long distance in the days

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Speaker 3: of no cell phones and no fax machines, even tho

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Speaker 3: I'm giving away my age, no WhatsApps, no social media.

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Speaker 3: So I literally the umbilical cord was cut and I

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Speaker 3: had to take full responsibility for myself and go learn

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Speaker 3: new rules in a new place. Then when I came

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Speaker 3: back a year later and started at university, I was

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Speaker 3: living at home, so I kind of did things the

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Speaker 3: wrong way round, you know, kind of cutting the umbilical

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Speaker 3: cord and then going home is an interesting situation. Now

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Speaker 3: I'm in that situation this year with my own son,

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Speaker 3: because he finished his undergrad degree and then went to

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Speaker 3: work for two years full time, and next week he

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Speaker 3: goes off to start his honors full time.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So it's an interesting time when the children we've

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Speaker 3: held on to so tightly for eighteen years suddenly take

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Speaker 3: hops away from the nest. And I can attest to this,

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Speaker 3: having had two children go to university that as a mum,

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Speaker 3: particularly that umbilical cord you or you feel it. And

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Speaker 3: I'm busy watching so many videos on social media at

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Speaker 3: the moment of mums packing up their kids to go

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Speaker 3: away to university, and it's absolutely like, it's heartrending, but

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Speaker 3: it's also so exciting at the same time because it's

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Speaker 3: a necessary parting and it's a about allowing your children

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Speaker 3: to step away and start their life of independence away

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Speaker 3: from you. And mothers really struggle with this because we've

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Speaker 3: been packing their lunches for eighteen years, you know, We've

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Speaker 3: been making sure their laundry was done for eighteen years,

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Speaker 3: that there was some food on the table every night

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Speaker 3: for them. We've been fetching, we've been carrying, we've been

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Speaker 3: watching them play sport, and suddenly you kind of become

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Speaker 3: a bit redundant and you become kind of just the.

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Speaker 1: Bank, right, especially if they go away. Right.

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Speaker 2: So, because some people do stay at home and go

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Speaker 2: to varsity, some people go to varsity in the same city.

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Speaker 2: I've instance went to Rhads, I've never lived in the

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Speaker 2: Eastern Cape, I never lived in I'd never been to Makanda,

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Speaker 2: and I just thought, well, because I wanted to go

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Speaker 2: to roads at the best in school, I want to

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Speaker 2: see a journalism. So there I went right and my

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Speaker 2: mom drove me down. But I was in a completely

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Speaker 2: different problems and they only saw me four times a

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Speaker 2: year if that.

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Speaker 3: So it's a different rhythm, it's a different routine, and

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Speaker 3: there is space between you, physical space between you, and

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Speaker 3: as parents, we can no longer micro manage every moment

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Speaker 3: of every day and stand between our children and the

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Speaker 3: big world. So in your situation in a different town,

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Speaker 3: suddenly you had to do the problem solving every day. Yes,

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Speaker 3: you know, whether it was that you had to get

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Speaker 3: your textbooks, even covering your textbooks, if you covered your textbooks,

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Speaker 3: because as parents, that's one of the things you do

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Speaker 3: at the beginning of every school year is you cover

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Speaker 3: the books. You cover the textbooks, you label every pen

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Speaker 3: and every pencil, and you know all those things. Now

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Speaker 3: you go after university in a different town, you have

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Speaker 3: a place where you're living, whether it's you know, a

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Speaker 3: university residence, a private residence, a you know you've rented somewhere.

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Speaker 3: You're responsible, responsible for making sure your food is cooked,

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Speaker 3: that your laundry is done.

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Speaker 1: That getting intellectures on time.

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Speaker 3: Getting intellectures on time, and these these are the things

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Speaker 3: that parents actually worry about. Suddenly a parent goes how

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Speaker 3: much your child's personal organizational skills?

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Speaker 4: You know?

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Speaker 3: And it's something we talk about often in the slot,

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Speaker 3: is you've got eighteen years to teach your children personal organization.

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Speaker 3: Will they be able to sort their lives out without

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Speaker 3: you running interference? Will they cope with you know what

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Speaker 3: if they don't like their roommate? And I've just finished

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Speaker 3: watching Landman. Oh my goodness, I don't know if you

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Speaker 3: watch Landman. So the second series ends with the daughter

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Speaker 3: of this this you know, Landman, the oil guy, going

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Speaker 3: to university and she's got a tiger mother. And she

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Speaker 3: arrives at university and she's got a roommate and she

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Speaker 3: doesn't like her roommates. Now, what is your child going

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Speaker 3: to do if they don't like their roommate? And it's

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Speaker 3: if you haven't watched it, please go and watch land Man.

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Speaker 3: I mean just the interplay of this final episode of

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Speaker 3: season two of what happens when the daughter does not

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Speaker 3: like her roommate is totally fascinating.

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Speaker 2: And so there's also like a bit of conflict resolution absolutely,

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Speaker 2: because what happens if I live with this person? They

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Speaker 2: never clean the microwave, or they use all the hot

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Speaker 2: water or whatever it is.

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Speaker 5: They don't like you playing music, or you know, there's

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Speaker 5: likes and dislikes.

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Speaker 2: Well, there are nights out and you're a person that

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Speaker 2: you know, and so now here you are having to

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Speaker 2: manage conflicts yeap with a complete stranger.

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Speaker 3: Interpersonal relationships, and that's going to be the world of

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Speaker 3: work for you one day. Then we've got things like

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Speaker 3: what if they drink too much, what if they don't

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Speaker 3: wake up and go to lectures, what if they party

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Speaker 3: too hard and study too little? And will they keep

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Speaker 3: their room clean? You know, here's the thing. My son

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Speaker 3: phoned me from university he was staying. He had met

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Speaker 3: in his second year, and he said, Mum, you have

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Speaker 3: no idea. This guy does not know how to clean

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Speaker 3: the loop, right, He does not know how to wash dishes.

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Speaker 3: He doesn't even know how to cook. Where my child

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Speaker 3: knew those things because that's the home he came from.

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Speaker 3: And you know, he was in a situation where he

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Speaker 3: actually had to pass on those skills to somebody else.

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Speaker 5: Ah, And they had to.

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Speaker 3: Have ground rules of how they were going to actually

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Speaker 3: live in this student apartment together.

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Speaker 5: And that's good stuff.

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Speaker 3: So the weeks we've just had, in the weeks coming

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Speaker 3: up in the Cape, kids are going to go to

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Speaker 3: orientation week.

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Speaker 5: Fresh as week.

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Speaker 3: Moms are hovering like crazy helping their kids set up

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Speaker 3: their rooms, running to mister Price to go and buy

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Speaker 3: a kettle. And because kids do live on toast and

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Speaker 3: tea and noodles and quickly yeah a two minute noodles

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Speaker 3: and then yeah, going.

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Speaker 5: Out of town is expensive.

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Speaker 3: So if your child is going to be living in

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Speaker 3: res anywhere, student accommodation is not cheap. And we're not

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Speaker 3: talking today about our kids who are on nespace, you

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Speaker 3: know kind of funding.

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Speaker 5: We're talking about kids who are on private funding.

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Speaker 3: Here. It's really it's like taking out a second bond

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Speaker 3: on your you know, on your house, if you've got

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Speaker 3: a child going down to the Cape. It really is,

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Speaker 3: because your accommodation is expensive. Your flights to and fro

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Speaker 3: and I see some of the airlines have been offering

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Speaker 3: cheap flights over this time, and you can take an

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Speaker 3: extra bag with you, and you know, there's nothing wrong

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Speaker 3: with getting on these parent groups where you can buy

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Speaker 3: used secondhand stuff for your kids. It's like going to

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Speaker 3: the secondhand uniform shop at school. There's really nothing wrong

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Speaker 3: with that. In fact, I'll tell you right now that

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Speaker 3: my kettle and my toaster are the kettle and toaster

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Speaker 3: that I bought for my son when he went to university.

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Speaker 5: Oh wow, and they're doing just fine in my house

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Speaker 5: right now.

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Speaker 3: So you know, not everything has to be brand new,

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Speaker 3: but children also have to learn how to look after

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Speaker 3: everything after those possessions and also taking responsibility for passing,

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Speaker 3: taking responsibility for their studies, for showing up. Now, what

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Speaker 3: agreements do you have in place with your children around that?

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Speaker 3: Very important that you have these discussions before the university

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Speaker 3: semester starts rather than when they fail a subject at

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Speaker 3: the end of the year.

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Speaker 5: So what are you going to do?

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Speaker 3: What's your family's approach to a failed subject? Who's going

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Speaker 3: to pay to redo that subject? Now, we also have

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Speaker 3: private universities, so I had one child go to a

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Speaker 3: private university and one child go to tux also very

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Speaker 3: different costing structures. And I had an agreement with one

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Speaker 3: son who went to the private university because that was

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Speaker 3: when life was as it was before my husband was murdered,

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Speaker 3: and we had an agreement. If you fail a subject,

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Speaker 3: you pay for it with my youngest son. He went

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Speaker 3: to university two months after my husband was killed. I

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Speaker 3: was not thinking about such agreements with him. So when

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Speaker 3: he did fail building contract law in his second year,

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Speaker 3: I had nothing in place right, and there was the

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Speaker 3: sibling fairness and fairness number going on because I couldn't

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Speaker 3: now retrospectively say you're going to have to pay.

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Speaker 2: Because you didn't have that conversation before they left me.

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Speaker 2: It was exactly, it wasn't top of mind at the time, exactly.

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Speaker 3: But let's go on to more practical issues around respet

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Speaker 3: reponsibilities and payments, and that involves things like your cell phone.

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Speaker 3: And please, parents, you do not have to buy your

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Speaker 3: child top of the range cell phones because I promise

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Speaker 3: you cell phones are going to get lost, still alone

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Speaker 3: to get stolen. There are absolute syndicates out there who

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Speaker 3: specialize in stealing cell phones from students because students are partying,

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Speaker 3: they're under the influence, they've got their phones in their pockets. Honestly,

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Speaker 3: people crawl into these places and they take the phones

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Speaker 3: out of your pockets. So my son actually worked out

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Speaker 3: the one who was away at tax he worked out

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Speaker 3: that you must have the cheapest cell phone while you're

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Speaker 3: at university because I think we had two stolen in

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Speaker 3: the first year. So we really really need to be

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Speaker 3: practical and pragmatic. And your kids need to know what

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Speaker 3: to do in the event of a theft. So this

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Speaker 3: is now the adult world. We haven't insurance policies. What

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Speaker 3: do you do if your cell phone is stolen? You

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Speaker 3: better walk them through the fact that you need to

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Speaker 3: go to the police station. You need to get a

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Speaker 3: case number, otherwise we can't claim on insurance. What happens

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Speaker 3: if your child has a car and there's a bumper bashion?

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Speaker 5: Do they know the process?

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Speaker 3: Get the other drivers, ID take photographs of the damage,

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Speaker 3: go to the police station, preferably together immediately so that

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Speaker 3: you can make your insurance claim. So this is what

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Speaker 3: happens in the adult world. This is the adult stuff.

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Speaker 3: Your child needs to know. What if they get sick,

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Speaker 3: What if they need to go to a hospital. Do

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Speaker 3: they have their medical aid card? What happens next? So

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Speaker 3: you've got to walk your children through these real life

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Speaker 3: situations and they need to learn how to actually deal

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Speaker 3: with life.

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Speaker 2: So kind of all of the things that like you

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Speaker 2: say that mom or dad or gran or whoever was

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Speaker 2: your primary care were growing up. Those would have been

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Speaker 2: the big things that were taking care of. When you're

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Speaker 2: growing up, you're not thinking about insurance. Really, there's big

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Speaker 2: things that are kind of invisible and where suddenly now

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Speaker 2: you are the person that is responsible for them. Like,

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Speaker 2: for instance, your parents insured. You were up at the

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Speaker 2: same time every day or at the right time to

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Speaker 2: make school.

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Speaker 1: Now that's on you.

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Speaker 2: There's no one calling you to say, hey, we used

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Speaker 2: to have the first lecture in the dead World's called

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Speaker 2: the Downey because it was so early. No one's waking

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Speaker 2: you up to go. You have a French Downey. You

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Speaker 2: need to wake yourself up and get to the Downey

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Speaker 2: or whatever it is.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So that sense of time, taking responsibility for your time,

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Speaker 3: having nobody hovering over you to do your homework, so

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Speaker 3: to speak, all very very important. And you know, kids

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Speaker 3: will learn about trial and error. They discover quite quickly.

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Speaker 3: If you don't go to lectures, it's quite hard to

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Speaker 3: do the assignment.

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Speaker 5: But then, of course, you know you're going to wake up.

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Speaker 3: One morning and you're going to see that your child's

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Speaker 3: cell phone did not move from five o'clock yesterday afternoon

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Speaker 3: until five o'clock this morning. Or maybe it's not eight

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Speaker 3: o'clock in the morning. You've just woken up. You're on

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Speaker 3: Life three sixty and you see your child's cell phone

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Speaker 3: has not moved, and when you look closely, it's in

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Speaker 3: the middle of a field in Stellemosh, and you're going

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Speaker 3: to have a panic. I've seen this. This is a

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Speaker 3: first hand story. We had two families around for dinner.

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Speaker 3: Their kids had just gone to Selomosh University and they

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Speaker 3: were panicking because.

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Speaker 5: The phone's are not moving.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well, of course, the battery died at a party

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Speaker 3: on a wine farm, and the kids had passed out

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Speaker 3: once they got back to their dorms and hadn't recharged

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Speaker 3: their phone. So mother's thinking their child has died. Meanwhile,

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Speaker 3: their child's fast asleep and completely oblivious to your panic.

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Speaker 3: And so don't panic. No news is generally good news.

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Speaker 3: Your children may not necessarily phone you every single day,

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Speaker 3: but I promise you they're going to phone you when

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Speaker 3: they run out of money, when they run out of data,

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Speaker 3: They'll use someone else's phone to phone you.

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Speaker 5: They're going to phone you when they need a recipe, right.

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Speaker 3: They will phone you when they don't know how to

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Speaker 3: use the washing machine.

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Speaker 5: They are going to phone.

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Speaker 3: You and they can't remember how to cook spaghetti, or

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Speaker 3: they have a broken friendship or a broken heart and

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Speaker 3: they're going to phone you and they have issues with transport.

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Speaker 5: So how to.

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Speaker 3: Best support your children as we wrap up, is you

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Speaker 3: need to be clear about your wishes for them while

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Speaker 3: they're away from home and studying away from home. What

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Speaker 3: are their responsibilities and commitments, What are your responsibilities and commitments?

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Speaker 3: What will you pay for and what won't you pay for?

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Speaker 3: Do they need to get a part time job to

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Speaker 3: support them selves financially and what extras might they have

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Speaker 3: to fund? And that's where that part time job comes in.

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Speaker 3: And you can do all sorts of things these days.

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Speaker 3: Doesn't have to be waitressing or watering. There's things you

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Speaker 3: can do like being paid to do research and writing

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Speaker 3: essays and stuff like that online, doing design work and

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Speaker 3: creating content online. You can be paid for stuff like that,

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Speaker 3: creating PowerPoint presentations for people, editing videos. So there are

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Speaker 3: ways and means of earning extra income. And our kids

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Speaker 3: need to get street wise. Now, I think this is

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Speaker 3: really what you're doing in letting them go, is encouraging

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Speaker 3: them to become street wise encouraging them to dig deep

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Speaker 3: and use the life skills that you taught them for many,

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Speaker 3: many years. And so when they phone you with a problem,

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Speaker 3: maybe the first question you need to ask before you

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Speaker 3: go into problem solving mode is what do you think

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Speaker 3: you should do in this situation? First see what they

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Speaker 3: come up with before you come up with the five

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Speaker 3: solutions that you already already have at your sleep.

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Speaker 2: What's a message from a parent? Says one and Guy's

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Speaker 2: great show. As always. I thought I was ready for

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Speaker 2: this period as a parent of two boys who are

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Speaker 2: going to leave this coming week for university. But as

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Speaker 2: I'm listening to you, I'm getting traumatized. And I guess

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Speaker 2: for parents, I imagine this is a season of mixed emotions.

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Speaker 2: On one hand, you are thrilled, you're excited, maybe a

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Speaker 2: little bit anxious about your kids flying the nest there.

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Speaker 1: This is kind of like their first.

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Speaker 5: Big hop away from the nest.

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Speaker 2: But also, you know you're going to listen to your

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Speaker 2: kids talk about new people. Oh, I met so and

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Speaker 2: so when we went and did this, and so suddenly

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Speaker 2: their network. The people they're talking about aren't you.

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Speaker 5: And you don't know them.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I'll tell you the big shock for parents

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Speaker 3: as mom and dad, you are no longer the center

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Speaker 3: of their world unless.

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Speaker 5: They need money. So suddenly that's the reality.

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Speaker 1: The world has grown in.

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Speaker 2: It's not about mom and dad anyone imagine that's quite again.

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Speaker 1: It's great you want them to grow, but.

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Speaker 3: Ah, so for the parents who sent in the message

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Speaker 3: and all the other parents who are grappling with this

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Speaker 3: at the moment, keep yourself busy over this time. This

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Speaker 3: is time when you don't want to have too much

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Speaker 3: time to think because in a way you're grieving.

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Speaker 5: This is a little bit of grief.

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Speaker 3: And keep growing yourself and taking responsibility for your own happiness.

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Speaker 5: Here's the big thing.

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Speaker 3: We fall into the trap of thinking our children are

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Speaker 3: here to make us happy.

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Speaker 5: That's not the case.

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Speaker 3: They must go out and find their own version of

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Speaker 3: happiness and success, and so must you.

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Speaker 5: So you need to let them go to let them grow.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: So you always speak about you are raising your kids

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Speaker 2: to one day, at some point live independently or away

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Speaker 2: from you, And this feels like that is kind of

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Speaker 2: the first really big step or like manifestation of that.

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Speaker 3: It is, and I promise you they will get to

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Speaker 3: the other side. Eventually, and you will be so proud

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Speaker 3: of them baby steps. I promise you, you will get

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Speaker 3: those panic calls, and in six weeks time, there are

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Speaker 3: going to be mothers going all over the country to

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Speaker 3: visit their children. Because in six weeks time, that's when

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Speaker 3: reality really bites for your kids. That's when they start

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Speaker 3: to panic because they're not coping with studying and cleaning

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Speaker 3: and cooking and partying and everything else. So there will

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Speaker 3: be a moment of an all fall down in about

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Speaker 3: six weeks time, I promise, and you will.

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Speaker 1: Go or you will be on the phone.

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Speaker 5: You'll be on the.

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Speaker 3: Phone and you are going to have to talk.

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Speaker 5: Them through this and help them with their personal organization. Again.

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Speaker 2: Before we wrap up, I wants up voice snared seven

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Speaker 2: two seven two one seven two.

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Speaker 1: Funniky.

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Speaker 4: I think the best solution for all parents send your

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Speaker 4: children to board school at some point in their lives.

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Speaker 4: I went to boarding school at nine years old. Best

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Speaker 4: thing ever. I learned how to manage my whole life.

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Speaker 4: You had to learn to be on time. You were

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Speaker 4: not babied. And I'm fifty five today, I'm an organized person.

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Speaker 4: I can wake my eyes up at four am in

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Speaker 4: the morning, get out of bed and actually get moving immediately.

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Speaker 4: Best thing.

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Speaker 6: Oh, Nikki and Crooks loving this conversation. My son was

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Speaker 6: the first person to take home me to not access

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Speaker 6: them a trick subject. And he'll be forty this year

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Speaker 6: and I think it's served him well. That's from Karen

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Speaker 6: and Glenn King's thank.

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Speaker 2: You very much, Michelle and Karen for those lots of

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Speaker 2: boysnotes Nicky.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, so going to boarding school is an interesting topic.

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Speaker 1: We can do.

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Speaker 3: We can talk about that at length another time, but yes,

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Speaker 3: you know, first steps to independence. If your child has

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Speaker 3: been to boarding school there, they've already got a head

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Speaker 3: start and so have you. And as I was saying

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Speaker 3: before the second voice, note, I had one child who

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Speaker 3: did go to boarding school and one who didn't, So

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Speaker 3: two very different children, two very different experiences. And the

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Speaker 3: one who went after university was the one who also

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Speaker 3: went to boarding school. So it's what the interesting transition

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Speaker 3: there was. In boarding school, he had two dorm mates,

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Speaker 3: so he went from having three in a room to

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Speaker 3: him just being himself in a private res and he

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Speaker 3: did not like that really, he missed the social aspect

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Speaker 3: of being in a room with dormmtes.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, it was a big thing for him.

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Speaker 2: Interesting, Nikki, always a great pleasure chatting to you. Thank

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Speaker 2: you so much for every.

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Speaker 1: Time this morning.

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Speaker 5: Thank you Gigs.

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Speaker 2: That is our resident human potential and parenting expert Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

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Speaker 2: the arts. We start with an exhibition, a multidisciplinary exhibition

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Speaker 2: called and Coticegel. We'll speak to Front Talker who was

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Speaker 2: a contemporary artist. Also speak to Zama Patti, who's curator

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Speaker 2: an art researcher for the project. But first, it's twenty

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Speaker 2: six minutes before nine o'clock. Let's check in with your

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Speaker 2: latest eyewitness new Sport with Anthony Tschada.