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Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicky Bush.

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Speaker 2: It's fifteen minutes after eight o'clock. Welcome back to seven

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Speaker 2: o two Weekend Breakfast with Mekog's and Klungong. It's a

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Speaker 2: Saturday morning, so we speak parenting and this morning we

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Speaker 2: talk about why kids copy what you do and not

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Speaker 2: what you say. And all of us have a thing

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Speaker 2: that we would have mimicked copied from our parents, even

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Speaker 2: things like how we walk. Kids can learn how to

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Speaker 2: walk their gate from watching their parents. As I mentioned earlier,

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Speaker 2: I copied how my mom spoke English when I was

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Speaker 2: still learning how to speak the language. When I was young,

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Speaker 2: I listened to her whenever she was on the phone

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Speaker 2: or doing work, and how she spoke felt like the

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Speaker 2: correct way to speak. So I mimicked. I molded the

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Speaker 2: way I spoke around my mom. And there are lots

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Speaker 2: of other things we can copy from our parents that

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Speaker 2: we can mimic, and I want to know what those

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Speaker 2: things are. What are the things children have mimicked from you?

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Speaker 2: But also the behaviors, the values, the principles that you

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Speaker 2: have copied and made your own that you saw from

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Speaker 2: your parents. Let us know an a one one eight

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Speaker 2: three or seven oh two send us a semsas on

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Speaker 2: three one seven oh two your WhatsApps seven two seven

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Speaker 2: o two one seven oh two, Joined as always by

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Speaker 2: our resident human potential and parenting expert, Nikki Bush. Nikki,

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Speaker 2: A very good morning to you, A great pleasure to

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Speaker 2: speak to you as always, Good morning googs. Oh this morning,

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Speaker 2: we are speaking about why kids will copy what you

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Speaker 2: do rather than what you say. And we often hear

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Speaker 2: this that you know, people, especially children, are more likely

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Speaker 2: to do as you do rather than as you say.

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Speaker 2: And for many of us, when we think of parenting

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Speaker 2: raising kids, we think of the things we tell children

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Speaker 2: do this, don't do that. That is the appropriate way

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Speaker 2: to behavior that's not appropriate. But a lot of that

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Speaker 2: communication actually comes from the things we don't say. A

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Speaker 2: lot of it is actually nonverbal.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely.

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Speaker 3: So every child is born to mimic, to imitate. It's

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Speaker 3: how they learn, and they will copy both the good

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Speaker 3: and the bad that they see. And this is what

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Speaker 3: parents need to be very very aware of. So babies

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Speaker 3: learn by imitating what they see. If you think about

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Speaker 3: things like facial expressions, so when you smile at a baby,

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Speaker 3: that's how they learn to smile back, mouth your mouth.

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Speaker 3: They're watching your mouth all the time. That's how they

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Speaker 3: learn to move their mouths for good speech. You stick

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Speaker 3: out your tongue at a baby, and they will stick

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Speaker 3: their tongue out back at you. But they're not just

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Speaker 3: learning the sort of motor planning movements around what's going

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Speaker 3: on in your body. They're also learning sounds for speech.

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Speaker 3: They are learning about patterns of behavior, they're learning communication,

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Speaker 3: and they're also learning the experience of feelings. So this

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Speaker 3: is a very very deep developmental. It's a human thing

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Speaker 3: because it's not just babies who learning from their parents.

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Speaker 3: This happens throughout our lifetime. That children are learning what

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Speaker 3: they live. They're learning what they see, and it's called

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Speaker 3: in the brain, we have mirror neurons, and those mirror

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Speaker 3: neurons are what teach us or show us. It's the

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Speaker 3: mechanism of mimicry, of imitation. It is so inbuilt it's automatic.

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Speaker 3: And as parents, we need to be very aware of

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Speaker 3: this because we might say get off your device, but

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Speaker 3: they see us on our devices not actually following our

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Speaker 3: own advice. They learn very very quickly the understanding of

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Speaker 3: the word hypocrite. So we need to be very aware

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Speaker 3: of this. The children have this antenna for hypocrisy, and

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Speaker 3: as soon as they are old enough to use that

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Speaker 3: word with understanding, which is probably somewhere around thirteen onwards,

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Speaker 3: they will use that word back at us. So if

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Speaker 3: you don't want your child to be calling you a hypocrite,

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Speaker 3: be very very awake to this, because your teens know

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Speaker 3: how to imitate and will do what they see right

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Speaker 3: back at you. But the interesting thing about this whole

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Speaker 3: process Cooks is that it's often a form of self protection.

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Speaker 2: So, yeah, I was thinking of animals in the wild

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Speaker 2: for instance, where you know, cubs or very small animals

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Speaker 2: will mimic the behavior of you know, their mother, their father,

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Speaker 2: whoever is the caregiver, and a lot of it has

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Speaker 2: to do with safety, so they learn how to do

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Speaker 2: certain things to hide in particular ways. We haven't behave

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Speaker 2: in particular ways because that's what keeps them safe. And

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Speaker 2: so that was going to be my next question is

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Speaker 2: doesn't you know kind of mimicking what our parents do

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Speaker 2: is a way of keeping ourselves safe in one way,

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Speaker 2: So if you watch your mom turn on the stove

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Speaker 2: and then not put their hand on the plate or

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Speaker 2: remove their hand. If something burns them, you then know

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Speaker 2: that the next time you experience heat on your hand

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Speaker 2: or whatever, you must also remove your hand. So it's

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Speaker 2: ways of us learning these are the things I can do,

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Speaker 2: these are the things I shouldn't do without being told yes.

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Speaker 3: So this is very, very important, and often, as you

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Speaker 3: said earlier, you don't even have to say anything.

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Speaker 1: They're watching you.

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Speaker 3: They're watching how you do things, and they're mapping it

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Speaker 3: out in their brain and they're working out what's a

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Speaker 3: good way to do it, what's a bad way to

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Speaker 3: do it.

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Speaker 1: The same goes for driving a car. Your children are

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Speaker 1: taking in so many visual cues that.

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Speaker 3: You have no idea about, and it's only eventually when

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Speaker 3: they are driving a vehicle that you see that the

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Speaker 3: way they hold their hands on the steering wheel is

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Speaker 3: exactly the way you hold your hands on the steering wheel.

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Speaker 3: Both my boys, the way they hold the steering wheel

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Speaker 3: is how my husband held the steering wheel.

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Speaker 1: And they are going.

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Speaker 3: To pick up cues from you all the time, Like

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Speaker 3: when they're young, crossing the road, you're going to say,

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Speaker 3: let's look left, right and left again, and you're not

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Speaker 3: just saying it, you're doing it. Together, and ultimately it

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Speaker 3: becomes the way they do these things.

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Speaker 1: So very importantly.

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Speaker 3: It might be about, as you say, physical safety in

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Speaker 3: the real world, but let's go back to where I

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Speaker 3: left off with often it's a form of self protection

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Speaker 3: that your children will will mimic you. So very often

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Speaker 3: we are hanging off the end of a cell phone,

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Speaker 3: we are checking our devices, we're checking our email, we're

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Speaker 3: on social media. And from the earliest age right into

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Speaker 3: early adulthood, our children are playing the attention game. We're

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Speaker 3: all playing the attention game, but they are vying for

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Speaker 3: their parents' attention. Children are always trying to make it

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Speaker 3: with their parents, and this is actually, interestingly a new

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Speaker 3: found form of sibling rivalry, the sibling being devices and technology.

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Speaker 3: So our kids are vying for our attention against the

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Speaker 3: attention we are giving to our devices, and they consents

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Speaker 3: our potential unavailability. They have a radar for this that

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Speaker 3: we are going to be available to them, and we

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Speaker 3: as parents, and the attention we pay our children is

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Speaker 3: something of immense value to our children.

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Speaker 1: And when they get a feeling that we.

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Speaker 3: Are not going to be unavailable, the interesting thing is

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Speaker 3: that they will immediately react by manufacturing a need for

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Speaker 3: us to pay attention to them. And I've spoken about

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Speaker 3: this for years, and it starts with babies. You're going

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Speaker 3: off to work, and what will your baby do just

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Speaker 3: as you're about to run out the door or drop

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Speaker 3: them at daycare.

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Speaker 1: They will vomit all over you.

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Speaker 3: They will pooh their nappy, they will need a change

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Speaker 3: before you leave the house. They get this visceral sense

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Speaker 3: that you are about to leave them, and that for

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Speaker 3: them is painful, so they'll find a way to get

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Speaker 3: your attention. And this continues throughout your children's lives, right

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Speaker 3: into the teenage years, and they will start mimicking you

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Speaker 3: and not paying attention to you because they've seen how

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Speaker 3: it works, how you have done it to them. And

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Speaker 3: very often parents are completely unaware of this, and we

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Speaker 3: have the potential to harm and hurt our children without

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Speaker 3: even knowing it.

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Speaker 2: And so I mean, like you were saying that, it's

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Speaker 2: not just about you know, certain behaviors like driving, walking, speaking,

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Speaker 2: It's also about kind of the cues that communicates to

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Speaker 2: your children. What is important to you, what are you prioritizing,

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Speaker 2: what do you love? Because kids, especially when they're very young,

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Speaker 2: kind of use how much attention you give them or

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Speaker 2: don't give them as a kind of barometer of I matter,

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Speaker 2: I'm important, I'm loved, which is kind of one of

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Speaker 2: those you often speak about the kind of fundamentals parents

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Speaker 2: need to ensure they've taken care of. Is the child hungry?

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Speaker 2: Is the child thirsty? Are they sleepy or tired? If

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Speaker 2: all of the boxes are ticked and they're still behaving

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Speaker 2: in a way that might not be inappropriate, there is

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Speaker 2: the possibility that they just want your attention. Then they're

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Speaker 2: feeling unseen or neglected by you. And so it's so

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Speaker 2: interesting that even in kind of mimicking your own behavior,

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Speaker 2: your kids can do that to show that I'm feeling unloved.

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Speaker 2: I'm feeling like you're not paying attention to me, Especially

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Speaker 2: when they're younger and maybe they don't have the language

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Speaker 2: yet or they haven't you know, they're not in touch

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Speaker 2: with their feelings, but they're communicating to you with their

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Speaker 2: behavior how they're feeling.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we talk about acting out. Children act out their

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Speaker 3: feelings if they can't say how they feel, and often

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Speaker 3: in the acting out, it's negative, it's destructive. They really

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Speaker 3: are seeking attention, they want to be seen. Of course,

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Speaker 3: This can then morph into manipulation because the longer they

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Speaker 3: need to act out, the more they discover that they

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Speaker 3: can control their world through the acting out to get

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Speaker 3: your attention to get what they want. So the secret

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Speaker 3: is really to teach your children how to pay voluntary

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Speaker 3: full attention. And the only way they can learn that

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Speaker 3: is by watching you pay full attention.

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Speaker 1: So how do we do this?

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Speaker 3: And it'll be in ways like you go to watch

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Speaker 3: them play sport. Now, if you are sitting on your

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Speaker 3: device the whole time you are watching them swim or

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Speaker 3: in a tennis match or a cricket match, I promise

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Speaker 3: you your children have an antenna for that, and they will

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Speaker 3: know that you are not paying full attention. You are

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Speaker 3: paying partial attention. And what's devastating, and I've seen it

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Speaker 3: so many times, is with all good intention, the parent

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Speaker 3: is on the side of the sports field and they

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Speaker 3: only watch when their child goes into bat on the

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Speaker 3: cricket field.

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Speaker 1: They're not watching during the field building.

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Speaker 3: Maybe their child is not the best player on the field,

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Speaker 3: and then something happens and the crowd cheers.

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Speaker 1: The mum or dad looks up.

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Speaker 3: They've missed the moment where their child actually did something incredible,

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Speaker 3: and those are the things your child holds against you

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Speaker 3: for the rest of their lives, that you were there,

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Speaker 3: but you weren't there, and it's unforgivable in their own minds,

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Speaker 3: and you feel so guilty. I learned very on in

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Speaker 3: my parenting career that if I was going to be

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Speaker 3: on the side of a cricket field for three hours,

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Speaker 3: I was there. If I was on a device, my

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Speaker 3: child did not feel loved because his love language was quality.

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Speaker 1: Time and acts of service.

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Speaker 3: So I made it my priority to be fully present,

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Speaker 3: to be watching the game, and to be socializing with

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Speaker 3: the other parents who are also watching the game. It

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Speaker 3: was good for me to take a break, and it

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Speaker 3: was good for me to build my own social network too.

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Speaker 3: I watched a boy playing tennis against my son once

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Speaker 3: in a tennis tournament, and his mum was on her

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Speaker 3: phone and talking to her friend who was sitting next

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Speaker 3: to her.

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Speaker 1: For the entire match.

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Speaker 3: She did not watch, and for the longest as long

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Speaker 3: as she was not watching, this child's behavior on the

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Speaker 3: court became more and more disgusting because he was trying

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Speaker 3: to get her attention. He was throwing his racket, he

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Speaker 3: was screaming and shouting, and he did lose the match,

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Speaker 3: and he stormed off the tennis court, and he refused

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Speaker 3: to talk to his mother, and she couldn't understand why.

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Speaker 3: But it was so obvious to every other parent why

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Speaker 3: he was behaving badly and why he didn't want to

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Speaker 3: speak to her. So it can be very very obvious

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Speaker 3: to others and maybe not so obvious to you because

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Speaker 3: you're in it. Then something like homework, when your children

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Speaker 3: are doing homework, if you've got some work to do

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Speaker 3: of your own, you could be sitting in the same

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Speaker 3: room as your child concentrating on something while they concentrate

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Speaker 3: on their homework. They actually do quite well doing homework

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Speaker 3: in the same rumors you if you're also sitting down

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Speaker 3: doing some work. But it's very very important that we

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Speaker 3: don't let our devices command our attention and that we

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Speaker 3: role model that relationships and communication and being fully present

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Speaker 3: with each other is our top priority because children get that.

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Speaker 3: And if you can role model that, you are giving

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Speaker 3: your child a gift that will last them a lifetime.

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Speaker 2: And also, just you know, just listening to you just now,

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Speaker 2: are Nikki, I'm also thinking of how you can impart

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Speaker 2: certain values and principles to your children through your behavior

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Speaker 2: as well, So your kids watching your interact with strangers,

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Speaker 2: your kids watching your respond to people who are being aggressive. Instance,

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Speaker 2: on the road, you know someone's cutting you off for

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Speaker 2: being an aggressive driver, how you respond often will shape

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Speaker 2: what your kids think is appropriate behavior in a situation

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Speaker 2: like that. And so you can learn certain things. I

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Speaker 2: know how I treat people I don't know strangers. A

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Speaker 2: lot of it was influenced by my mother and my grandmother,

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Speaker 2: and they didn't tell me so much as I watched

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Speaker 2: how they treated other people. So that's also I guess,

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Speaker 2: a way in which, yes, parents can teach values and principles,

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Speaker 2: but you can also, like you were just saying, you

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Speaker 2: can role model them. Your kids can watch you embody

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Speaker 2: those values and those principles.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's so important, and it can go right down

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Speaker 3: to the smallest things or the things you think might

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Speaker 3: be insignificant. And playing with your children. Making time to

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Speaker 3: sit on the floor and play a game with your

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Speaker 3: child without allowing your device to interrupt the process for

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Speaker 3: the fifteen minutes or so that you are doing That

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Speaker 3: speaks volumes to your child that they are important enough

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Speaker 3: to you that you will ignore your device, switch it off,

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Speaker 3: tell them I'm putting my device on silent because the

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Speaker 3: next fifteen minutes with you is the most important time

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Speaker 3: in my day. So just you know, if you listen

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Speaker 3: to what I've just said, when that lands with your child,

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Speaker 3: your child feels that they have your full attention. So, gooks,

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Speaker 3: while we're on that note, can we quickly squeeze in

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Speaker 3: that I'm running two workshops in November, and these are

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Speaker 3: parenting workshops for parents of preschoolers where you can come

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Speaker 3: and learn how to help your child develop the school

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Speaker 3: readiness skills, so the pre reading, pre writing, premath skills

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Speaker 3: through play that are going to help your child be

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Speaker 3: ready for grade one. And these are taking place at

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Speaker 3: Bricktopia and go and visit Bricktopia dot co dot za

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Speaker 3: for more information about these workshops and to book your seat.

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Speaker 3: There are two, one on the twenty third of November

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Speaker 3: and one on the thirtieth of November.

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Speaker 2: Nikki, as always a great pleasure in having you on

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Speaker 2: the show. Thank you so much for your time this morning.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, Girgs.

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Speaker 2: That is our resident human potential and parenting expert, Nikki Bush.

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Speaker 2: I still want to know what are the things your

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Speaker 2: kids have mimicked from your behavior that they've copied. What

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Speaker 2: are the things you copied from your parents when you

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Speaker 2: were growing up?

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Speaker 1: Let us know.

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Speaker 2: In oh seven two seven two one seven oh two,

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Speaker 2: coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

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Speaker 2: the arts. We start with a new production called Penny.

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Speaker 2: It's directed, written and directed by and Homozo will join

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Speaker 2: us to tell us about the production. But first, it's

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Speaker 2: twenty eight minutes before nine o'clock. Let's check in with

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Speaker 2: your latest I Witness New Sport with Anderny Schader