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Speaker 1: Seven l two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Ten minutes after eight o'clock, time for has to talk parenting.

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Speaker 2: For this morning and this week, we are looking at

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Speaker 2: the importance of teaching or the power of the word yet,

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Speaker 2: as in not yet. Why there is such an important word,

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Speaker 2: especially if you're looking to build resilience, confidence and a

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Speaker 2: growth mindset in your kids. We are joined as always

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Speaker 2: by our resident human potential and parenting expert, Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Nicki always a great pleasure having you on the show.

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Speaker 2: Good morning, Good morning, girgs, Good morning. So today we

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Speaker 2: are speaking about the word yet. Why this quite short word?

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Speaker 2: Why are we speaking about yet? Why is it so important?

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Speaker 3: Well, kids can get discouraged, you know, they're not They

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Speaker 3: try new things, they're not they're not great to begin with.

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Speaker 1: They try new friendships, it doesn't work.

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Speaker 3: They learn for a test and they don't get ten

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Speaker 3: out of ten or they don't get eighty percent. They

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Speaker 3: go and try out ballet or cricket, they miss the ball.

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Speaker 3: You know, they don't feel comfortable. They're doing something new.

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Speaker 3: And so sometimes children come home from school and from

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Speaker 3: extramural activities and that they go I can't do it.

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Speaker 3: I can't do it. It's so hard. I don't want

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Speaker 3: to go back.

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Speaker 1: And parents have to deal with this.

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Speaker 3: And one of the most powerful words you can add

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Speaker 3: into your child's vocabulary is the power of yet. So

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Speaker 3: it's I can't do it becomes I can't do it yet,

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Speaker 3: because then there's possibility that you can do it. I

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Speaker 3: don't understand it, So the teacher's gone into a new

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Speaker 3: part of the syllabus. Now take signs or geography, or gosh,

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Speaker 3: even English. If you look at what English looks like

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Speaker 3: in grade ten, eleven, and twelve, now it's probably what

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Speaker 3: we did advarsity.

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Speaker 1: So I don't understand it.

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Speaker 3: You have to help them to reframe it to I

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Speaker 3: don't understand it yet. I don't get it. I just

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Speaker 3: don't get it. No, I don't get it yet. I'm

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Speaker 3: not good at it. No, I'm not good at it yet,

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Speaker 3: because that leaves that open ended possibility. And I think

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Speaker 3: what we have to do sometimes is explain the science

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Speaker 3: to children when they're learning something new. They're creating a

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Speaker 3: new neurological pathway for playing netball, for getting the ball

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Speaker 3: in the basket when they're playing basketball or netball, or

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Speaker 3: you know, you're teaching them new movements, and those new

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Speaker 3: movements need to become hard wired into the brain. And

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Speaker 3: the only way anything gets hardwired into the brain is

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Speaker 3: through repetition. For any new movement to take root in

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Speaker 3: the brain, for that neurological pathway, that memory cell to exist,

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Speaker 3: a child needs to practice something two hundred to three

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Speaker 3: hundred times. That applies to learning how to write the

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Speaker 3: letter D, as it applies to learning how to serve

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Speaker 3: in tennis, as it applies to learning the rules in

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Speaker 3: a different language, as it applies to learning your lines

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Speaker 3: if you're on the stage, you have to practice over

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Speaker 3: and over again to create that new memory cell. Because

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Speaker 3: what actually happens is that that neurological pathway forms in

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Speaker 3: the brain and then it needs to be well oiled

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Speaker 3: and greased by a substance called melatone in which is

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Speaker 3: a fatty substance, and that helps the impulses travel far

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Speaker 3: quicker and more efficiently in the brain. When your child

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Speaker 3: is trying to do something, but that mylin does not

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Speaker 3: get laid down without lots of effort and lots of practice.

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Speaker 3: So sometimes it's a good thing to explain the science

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Speaker 3: behind things to children.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and so it sounds as though with the power

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Speaker 2: of Yet the big thing that parents caregivers can impart

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Speaker 2: to their kids is becoming good at anything, whether it

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Speaker 2: is maths, whether it is tennis, whether it's netball or painting.

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Speaker 1: Takes time and practice.

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Speaker 2: So just because you're not good at it right now

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Speaker 2: doesn't mean you can't be good at it. You just

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Speaker 2: need to You just need to give it a bit

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Speaker 2: of time, keep showing up, keep making the mistakes. And

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Speaker 2: that's how you become good at things. I would imagine

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Speaker 2: it applies to all things. All things require a bit

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Speaker 2: of practice, a bit of persistence.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely so when something is hard, and to begin with

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Speaker 3: something can be very confusing. If it's new, it's because

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Speaker 3: you haven't grown that neurological passway yet, or you haven't

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Speaker 3: practiced enough yet, or you haven't struggled enough with it yet.

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Speaker 3: And so that word struggle is quite an interesting one.

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Speaker 3: With most things that we get good at in life.

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Speaker 3: We have to struggle through it for a while. We

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Speaker 3: have to muddle our way through it until it makes

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Speaker 3: sense or until it becomes easier, and that takes time,

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Speaker 3: and it takes practice, you know, Gary Player, I love

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Speaker 3: quoting him saying the more I practice, the luckier I get.

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Speaker 3: And there's also that line that goes practice makes progress.

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Speaker 3: But let's link this to a fixed mindset versus a

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Speaker 3: growth mindset. Us today are looking for growth mindset people

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Speaker 3: who view challenges as opportunities, who embrace constructive feedback.

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Speaker 1: Now, we're all going to do.

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Speaker 3: Things from time to time where we're not going to

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Speaker 3: get it right. I mean, think of yourself in the workplace.

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Speaker 3: So to all the parents who listening, think of yourself

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Speaker 3: in the workplace. We get feedback, do we see it

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Speaker 3: as positive or negative? Do we see it as something

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Speaker 3: we can work with to make us better than we are,

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Speaker 3: or are we going to see.

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Speaker 1: It as criticism?

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Speaker 3: So the fixed mindset person sees it as criticism and

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Speaker 3: will not grow from it. The growth mindset person sees

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Speaker 3: that feedback as okay, so maybe I could think about

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Speaker 3: doing this a little differently. A growth mindset person focuses

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Speaker 3: on the process, not the end results, so they don't

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Speaker 3: want a short circuit the process to get to the

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Speaker 3: end quickly because they know they need to learn how

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Speaker 3: to do something properly. Being inspired by other people's success

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Speaker 3: rather than threatened by other people's success is a growth

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Speaker 3: mindset trait. So you see how we're actually talking about

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Speaker 3: life skills here, and we have to raise our children

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Speaker 3: for the long game, learning to grow from failures, stepping

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Speaker 3: out of their comfort zone.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes not feeling in control.

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Speaker 3: So real success happens with a lot of practice pushing

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Speaker 3: yourself outside of your comfort zone and believing that you

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Speaker 3: are an ever improving being, that you are not static

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Speaker 3: and stuck. So trying new things, trying unfamiliar things, accepting

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Speaker 3: your failures and mistakes a part of your success, and

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Speaker 3: focusing on practicing to prove yourself are very very important

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Speaker 3: life skills for anybody. So if you, as an adult,

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Speaker 3: are stuck in the fixed mindset negative mentality where you're

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Speaker 3: a victim of life, don't google fixed mindset versus growth

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Speaker 3: mindset because there's so much to learn about all of

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Speaker 3: that stuff, and Carol Dweck is the big thought leader

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Speaker 3: on that. So you can just google fixed mindset or

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Speaker 3: growth mindset or Carol Dweck and you're going to pick

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Speaker 3: up a lot of information there that can help both

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Speaker 3: you and your child.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because I was going to say it sounds like

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Speaker 2: the kind of thing not just young people can benefit from,

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Speaker 2: but adults as well, especially because as we grow older,

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Speaker 2: we're less. We try fewer things, we take less chances,

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Speaker 2: we learn fewer skills because we kind of think, oh,

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Speaker 2: you know, I'm not good at maths, I'm not good

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Speaker 2: at English. You'll hear people say, oh, I'm just not,

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Speaker 2: you know, good at numbers. We've kind of accepted that

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Speaker 2: we can't do certain things, and this sounds as though well,

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Speaker 2: and you know, we constantly learn about neuroplasticity and how

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Speaker 2: brains can learn new things, so it sounds like the

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Speaker 2: kind of thing that's also good for us as well,

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Speaker 2: especially we're stuck in a bit of a rat or

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Speaker 2: we're not sure. We're kind of going, well, no, I'm

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Speaker 2: not good at AB and C. But maybe it's because

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Speaker 2: you haven't tried it in a while. Like I know,

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Speaker 2: I didn't give myself a chance with French. I struggled

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Speaker 2: a little bit with French in grade nine, and so

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Speaker 2: I dropped it. I stopped doing French because it was hard,

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Speaker 2: and so I don't know that I can't speak French

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Speaker 2: at all, or if it was just a lack of persistence,

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Speaker 2: and if i'd stuck with it, I could possibly speak

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Speaker 2: some French.

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Speaker 3: Now, Yeah, you remind me of a moment last year

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Speaker 3: where I was speaking to an audience that had many,

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Speaker 3: many people from Africa for whom French is their first language.

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Speaker 3: And I did French at school as well, just for that.

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Speaker 3: I think it was the first two years of high school.

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Speaker 3: And it wasn't thing. You know, when you've practiced something enough.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I don't have enough enough French to be

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Speaker 3: totally conversational, but I do understand some words when I

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Speaker 3: listen to French, and I was able to string together,

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Speaker 3: with a little help from Google, my introduction and my

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Speaker 3: closing in French, which I was quite impressed with myself,

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Speaker 3: and they really appreciated the fact.

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Speaker 1: That I tried.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know that's important now for me. Right now,

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Speaker 3: one of the things that I'm challenging myself with is

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Speaker 3: learning how to learn all the different cliques for different

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Speaker 3: African names, and that requires practice. It's not an easy

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Speaker 3: thing because it's not something you do every day. So

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Speaker 3: but like learning French, but I feel it's a sign

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Speaker 3: of respect to somebody to learn how to use the

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Speaker 3: click in the correct way. So what are we all

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Speaker 3: doing to challenge ourselves at the moment, as you say,

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Speaker 3: whether you are adults or children. So I did an

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Speaker 3: interesting thing on Thursday. I was working with Sanlam at

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Speaker 3: their leadership conference and I interviewed Brent Van Rensberg, who's

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Speaker 3: the founder of the zips App Circus, which is based

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Speaker 3: in Cape Town. Now. The zips App Circus is a

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Speaker 3: social circus. It's a nonprofit. It takes and has done

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Speaker 3: for thirty years, an incredible organization that's taken children off

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Speaker 3: the streets and uplifted them by providing them the opportunity

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Speaker 3: to learn and work in a circus. And there are

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Speaker 3: some interesting things that Brent said in terms of because

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Speaker 3: basically they've been coaches to children and they have helped

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Speaker 3: children work through their fears, their fears of abandonment, their

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Speaker 3: fears of not being good enough, their fears of not belonging.

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Speaker 3: And some of the coaching lines that they use all

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Speaker 3: the time are things like trust your fear.

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Speaker 1: Trust your fear is either.

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Speaker 3: There to protect you or to help you get better

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Speaker 3: at something. Show up always, even when you feel you

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Speaker 3: not ready. Show up always. And they say we applaud courage.

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Speaker 3: And getting on a stage can be a scary thing

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Speaker 3: in front of an audience, but just the virtue of

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Speaker 3: or the action of getting up there is a big thing.

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Speaker 3: And it reminds me of my youngest sister who teaches

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Speaker 3: drama and she's got a business called Creative Characters, And

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Speaker 3: it's not traditional drama.

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Speaker 1: It's about teaching.

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Speaker 3: Kids confidence through drama, confidence through learning, remembering words in

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Speaker 3: songs and poems and scripts, and being able to get

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Speaker 3: up in front of each other and ultimately, of course

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Speaker 3: at the end of a term, and do it in

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Speaker 3: front of the parents too. And you see the most

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Speaker 3: remarkable change in children who had no confidence, who were

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Speaker 3: very shy, very introverted, actually getting up and doing these

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Speaker 3: things and being so incredibly proud of their success of

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Speaker 3: being able to do it. Children were speaking impediments being

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Speaker 3: able to get up and speak in front of an audience,

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Speaker 3: so it can be done.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And it also sounds just as you were saying,

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Speaker 2: you know, one of your commitments right now is to

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Speaker 2: try to be able to you know, say people's names correctly,

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Speaker 2: for instance, and how you speaking French to a largely

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Speaker 2: you know, Francophone group meant so much. It also sounds

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Speaker 2: like the other thing that you can impart to kids

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Speaker 2: with this lesson is the importance of trying, the importance

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Speaker 2: of efforts. So you're not going to get it right

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Speaker 2: the first time you do it, but people do recognize

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Speaker 2: and appreciate efforts, and not even just in schools, but

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Speaker 2: even in you know, social settings, in relationships, in workplaces.

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Speaker 2: If it is important you showing up and committing yourself

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Speaker 2: to doing a thing and improving, that's a really good

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Speaker 2: skill to have to you know, wanting to keep trying

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Speaker 2: even if you know you get onto stage and it's

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Speaker 2: a little bit embarrassing because it is a bit you know,

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Speaker 2: weird and awkward to get a thing wrong the first time,

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Speaker 2: But to keep showing up regardless of that, that's a

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Speaker 2: really good skill to have.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, in the workplace, the only way you

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Speaker 3: progress is if you are prepared to step out of

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Speaker 3: your comfort zone, put yourself in new groups, suit at

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Speaker 3: different tables. And you know, Women's Month is coming up now,

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Speaker 3: so let's it's just to segue a little bit, because

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Speaker 3: it's this is a very interesting thing about how ready

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Speaker 3: are you to step up and step out into something new,

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Speaker 3: and women fall into the trap of wanting to be

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Speaker 3: one hundred percent ready for the next step. Whereas men

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Speaker 3: are happy to move forward when they're sixty percent ready,

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Speaker 3: they're prepared to try something new, to do something, to

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Speaker 3: apply for a job where they're only sixty percent ready.

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Speaker 3: So women hold themselves back for a long long time

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Speaker 3: until they feel they're totally ready, and then sometimes the

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Speaker 3: opportunity's gone.

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Speaker 1: And so children need to also.

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Speaker 3: Reach out for opportunities sometimes before they feel they are

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Speaker 3: one hundred percent ready, because actually stretching yourself a little

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Speaker 3: bit is one of the key ways of growing. You

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Speaker 3: can grow into a role, into a job, you can

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Speaker 3: get extra coaching, and of course, as parents really need

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Speaker 3: to be encouraging and patient, and we need to get

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Speaker 3: involved because it can help reduce resistance. A few minutes

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Speaker 3: of throw and catch every day in your driveway can

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Speaker 3: make the world of difference to a child's sporting skills,

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Speaker 3: and of course they're going to love that extra quality

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Speaker 3: time spent with you. It's that investing yourself in your

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Speaker 3: relationship with your children, investing yourself in helping them do

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Speaker 3: a little bit of extra reading. You know, reading is

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Speaker 3: such a brilliant life skill, and once your child has

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Speaker 3: that gift, it's a gift for life.

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Speaker 1: So please please read with your children.

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Speaker 3: As their reading skills improve and as they can read

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Speaker 3: more words, etc. Give them more airtime, be there to

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Speaker 3: listen to their reading homework every day. And once reading

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Speaker 3: homework is no longer compulsory, I really would say to parents,

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Speaker 3: make it compulsory in your home because the more children

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Speaker 3: read out loud, the more confident they become. And then

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Speaker 3: you need to test out their comprehension skills. Do they

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Speaker 3: really understand what they've been reading? So ask them questions

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Speaker 3: about what they've just read.

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Speaker 1: That's not just.

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Speaker 3: About testing their memory skills, but it is also about

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Speaker 3: paying attention to your children. And when you pay attention

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Speaker 3: to your children, they will do better because children automatically

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Speaker 3: actually want to please and impress their parents. It's just

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Speaker 3: part of the attachment theory. So be there for your children.

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Speaker 3: Don't just ask your children in the car on the

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Speaker 3: way home from school, what did you do today? But

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Speaker 3: also ask them what questions did you ask today? What

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Speaker 3: questions did you ask today? What did you learn today?

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Speaker 3: Sometimes these are our absent questions. We ask our kids

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Speaker 3: what they did, and most of the time, when they're

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Speaker 3: over the age of ten, they say nothing. So perhaps

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Speaker 3: be a little more specific, what questions did you ask today?

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Speaker 3: And then always remember that mindsets are learnt and they

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Speaker 3: can be changed if you believe in the growth mindset theory,

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Speaker 3: which goes with the fact that we all have very

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Speaker 3: plastic and elastic brains. The neuroplasticity in the brain. Neuroscience

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Speaker 3: has proved that we can learn new things until the

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Speaker 3: day we die, and that means that even the grannies

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Speaker 3: and the grandpas who listening to us right now can

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Speaker 3: learn new things. So that means that children who have

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Speaker 3: very plastic and elastic brains are far more able to

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Speaker 3: learn new things, new facts, and acquire new skills than adults.

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Speaker 3: And let's remember what Einstein said, learning is experience. Everything

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Speaker 3: else is just information. So in order to learn, we

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Speaker 3: have to do. Children can't learn things unless they are

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Speaker 3: doing things in a multisensory way. So they need to

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Speaker 3: do do do to hardwire a growth mindset because their

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Speaker 3: mindset determines how they will cope with failure and how

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Speaker 3: they will pursue success in the future.

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Speaker 2: Mickey, as always a great pleasure having you on the show.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time.

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Speaker 3: Thanks gooks, and I guess one last thing is to

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Speaker 3: say to parents that they need to role model the

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Speaker 3: growth mindset for their children. They need to show them

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Speaker 3: they're trying new things, struggling through stuff and persevering and

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Speaker 3: using the power of the wor word yes.

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Speaker 2: That's our resident human potential and parenting expert Nikki Bush