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Speaker 1: Seven o two weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nikki Bush.

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Speaker 2: So it is not parenting with Nikki Bush. Today's guest

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Speaker 2: is in Gateco Ndala, who's gonna be speaking to us

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Speaker 2: about the all important transitioning back to school and routines

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Speaker 2: after holiday breaks. Now, for many of us growing up,

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Speaker 2: we saw it as what we saw on the TV.

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Speaker 2: For instance, when you'd be waking up in the morning

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Speaker 2: and watching your favorite news broadcast, even if you hated

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Speaker 2: the news. But as we're growing up, you'd watch a

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Speaker 2: specific pair of journalists on TV that was your usual routine.

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Speaker 2: When they're back from holiday and our schools are open.

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Speaker 2: That's how you know that it's back to normal. When

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Speaker 2: parents now have to prepare that morning rush, have to

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Speaker 2: prepare the lunchboxes the day before, the night before, you

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Speaker 2: have to iron my brother, you have to eye in

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Speaker 2: those pants. You have to iron that shirt. You know,

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Speaker 2: I have to wash all those socks that have been

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Speaker 2: sitting there. So let's let's get a little bit more insight.

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Speaker 2: Here within is a counseling psychologist. Very good morning to you,

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Speaker 2: how are you.

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Speaker 1: I'm okay, mongazie. Good morning to you, and good morning

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Speaker 1: to the listeners.

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Speaker 2: And a very fasted season, a very merry season.

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Speaker 1: Let's let's talk about it over thinking about back to school.

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Speaker 3: Now it is over.

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Speaker 1: You you know, are saying to your producer, please do

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Speaker 1: this topic next week, because now you are making the

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Speaker 1: holidays to be to soon be over.

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Speaker 2: I mean, it's a reality we have to face. I've

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Speaker 2: seen a number of people who go on about how

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Speaker 2: after the seventh is only when we can get into

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Speaker 2: it and we can start saying, what do you call

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Speaker 2: this one compliments of the new season?

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Speaker 1: Now? Unfortunately the half part of me I am mopegy.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to You're done so much.

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Speaker 2: And that is important, that is important, doing it until

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Speaker 2: until we all feel men that this this festive season

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Speaker 2: has fully come into effect. You know, but let's talk

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Speaker 2: about it the end of that holiday break. You know,

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Speaker 2: it can be as stressful for children just as it

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Speaker 2: is for parents, after all those weeks of the relaxed schedules,

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Speaker 2: the late nights, the family focused time, no phones, we're

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Speaker 2: all eating, we're all watching TV up until ten pm,

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Speaker 2: you know, returning to school or dayca it requires an

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Speaker 2: adjustment in both routine and mindset, and children may feel

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Speaker 2: anxious over this time, sometimes shy, sometimes overwhelmed at the

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Speaker 2: thought of leaving you know, home, and that's why we

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Speaker 2: see them crying, children crying as you drop them off,

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Speaker 2: or perhaps even saying, oh my tummy is soul, I

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Speaker 2: don't want to go to school. All those various ones.

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Speaker 2: How do we how do we tackle that? How do

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Speaker 2: we approach that particular period.

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Speaker 1: And we need to also realize is that there's two

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Speaker 1: sets of parents and two sets of children. There are

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Speaker 1: children and parents who are going to school for the

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Speaker 1: first time in their lives.

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Speaker 3: So these are your.

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Speaker 1: You know, grade one us and grade urs who are

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Speaker 1: going to big school from pre school, the ones who

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Speaker 1: are going to pre school for the first time. So

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Speaker 1: that we will need to address the sets of parents differently. Well,

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Speaker 1: there are the ones that have seen there all the

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Speaker 1: siblings going to school, and they have always envied them

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Speaker 1: going to school, so they might take this with a

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Speaker 1: bit more of excitement at home. And that is the

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Speaker 1: ones who are going there for the first time. And

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Speaker 1: we also need to realize that, you know, an ancient

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Speaker 1: child is not being difficult. They are communicating uncertainties. They

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Speaker 1: are communicating the fact that the world the way that

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Speaker 1: I know, it's not the same. And they also get

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Speaker 1: choose from us as parents, so they borrow emotional cues

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Speaker 1: from adults. So as we come down as parents, we

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Speaker 1: also create a comma child. So you were talking about,

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Speaker 1: you know, the freedom of maybe you know, eating a

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Speaker 1: certain way, watching TV until late, not having structure. So

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Speaker 1: re establishing routine early on, so as soon as next

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Speaker 1: to it, depending on the kind of school that the

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Speaker 1: child is going to, because children, essentially they thrive from predictability,

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Speaker 1: they thrive from routine, So routine gives children a sense

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Speaker 1: of safety, especially after the freedom of holidays. A few

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Speaker 1: days before the school reopens, we should just start to

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Speaker 1: adjust the big time, that the big one, and the

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Speaker 1: wake up time and the middle of time and the

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Speaker 1: screen so that then we don't have a child in

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Speaker 1: the classroom who is you know, daydreaming because they are

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Speaker 1: so used to being on row bollocks or minecraft or

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Speaker 1: whatever in that the way they were playing. So we

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Speaker 1: should now start to so obviously this will reduce the

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Speaker 1: emotional and physical shock of the first day of being

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Speaker 1: at school with having to focus, having to concentrate, because

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Speaker 1: those things they do take the affect the impact extremely

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Speaker 1: you know, I was talking with your colleague, I think

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Speaker 1: about two or three weeks ago on the effects the

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Speaker 1: impact of screen time, So they affect the concentration and

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Speaker 1: being able to be engaged with school activities.

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Speaker 2: So for a more mature, you know, an older child,

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Speaker 2: let's say a teen child, how does a parent still

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Speaker 2: try to be hands on but without those restrictive measures

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Speaker 2: that you can impose on a much younger child who

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Speaker 2: are still malleable, where you can say, okay, now that

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Speaker 2: it's school time, we're gonna restrict your role, blocks hours,

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Speaker 2: or your TikTok time to this certain amount. But with

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Speaker 2: a more mature child who's saying, let's say going to

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Speaker 2: metric or grade eleven, how do you then approach it?

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Speaker 2: But we're still trying to maintain that level of authority

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Speaker 2: yet allowing this child to transition into being a young

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Speaker 2: adult and not feel as though you are restricting restricting

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Speaker 2: them so much.

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Speaker 1: Allow independence for their child, for the teenager, so you

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Speaker 1: can start to ask them to create the mill plens

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Speaker 1: so what they want to take for lunch boxers. You

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Speaker 1: can also say, all right, you are about to go

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Speaker 1: into grade eleven or grade ten or metric, how does

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Speaker 1: the work demand look like different from when you were

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Speaker 1: in grade eight or when you're in grade nine. So

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Speaker 1: you start to co create that independency and that's how

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Speaker 1: you gradually, you know, encourage that you are not you

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Speaker 1: are not coming down on them as if they are

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Speaker 1: a preschooler or a or a lower grader, but you

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Speaker 1: are saying now it's time for you to take responsibility.

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Speaker 1: And this among it is very important because now the

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Speaker 1: else out of after the school three years of being

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Speaker 1: in school, they are going into the independence of being

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Speaker 1: in a higher education structure or maybe if they are

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Speaker 1: taking a gap year, you know, touring Europe or whatever

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Speaker 1: the case might be. You are now starting to teach

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Speaker 1: them to take responsibility. So independence for this grade is

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Speaker 1: very very important, but it needs to be co created.

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Speaker 1: It needs to be established with what would you like

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Speaker 1: to have on Manday, Tuesday, Wednesday? And remember we cannot

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Speaker 1: change around because that messages my routine of.

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Speaker 3: Going to the groceries for and so forth.

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Speaker 1: Other schools, you know they wear mufty musty sorry they

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Speaker 1: were serious or non uniform schools. You also need to say,

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Speaker 1: all right, what is the code of conduct for your school?

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Speaker 1: It's what you had for the holidays because maybe for

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Speaker 1: the holidays they were allowed to wear crop tops, they

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Speaker 1: were allowed to wear tan gins, they were allowed to

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Speaker 1: wear extreme beggy and things with writings on to say,

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Speaker 1: all right, how does your worldrobe look like?

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Speaker 3: Is it appropriate for the school time?

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Speaker 1: You know, the grooming around it. I mean, you cannot

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Speaker 1: groom a fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year old, So teaching them

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Speaker 1: the routine of grooming themselves of looking appropriate depending on

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Speaker 1: the school and the code of conduct.

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Speaker 2: And then when when you think of this difficult period

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Speaker 2: or rather this period of transition, maybe not call it difficult,

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Speaker 2: but this period of transition, it usually falls on the

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Speaker 2: lapse of parents. But how do you then, how do

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Speaker 2: caregivers and teachers approach it in a way that can

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Speaker 2: soften the blow and soften that transition for the child

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Speaker 2: and also making life a little bit easier for the parents.

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Speaker 1: I'm just very empathetic to who teach us mundesy because

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Speaker 1: they carry so much. What I've seen with most schools.

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Speaker 3: What they do.

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Speaker 1: Teachers come a week before and maybe in some of

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Speaker 1: their discussions is to look at who are the children

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Speaker 1: that are coming to our school. Some schools have the

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Speaker 1: privilege of interviewing their parents as well.

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Speaker 3: So it's to.

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Speaker 1: Say, okay, what are the circumstances of the circumstances changed,

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Speaker 1: the circumstances is still the same. Maybe other parents are

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Speaker 1: going through divorce, to say, okay, how I'm going to

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Speaker 1: support the childs this year because there's the new thing,

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Speaker 1: or they have lost loved ones, how do we support them?

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Speaker 1: And it's also for I want to put the honors

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Speaker 1: more on parents than teachers. So yes, teachers can be poplicant,

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Speaker 1: but parents need to communicate. They need to be first

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Speaker 1: coming with information to say, don't be surprised when people

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Speaker 1: is wanting to crying the whole time, or it's over

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Speaker 1: over intensitive. This is the reason, that's what it is

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Speaker 1: depending in our household. This is how we are also

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Speaker 1: managing it. Not to say you manage it as a teacher. No,

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Speaker 1: teachers are already caring so much and they are inundated

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Speaker 1: with and they are not school counselors, they are not psychologists.

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Speaker 1: So we need to collaborate with teachers to make that

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Speaker 1: transition that we're talking about of being able to recognize

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Speaker 1: the pose not well.

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Speaker 3: Suppose having a hard time.

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Speaker 1: Adjusting to grade eight or high school. This could be

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Speaker 1: the reason. Yeah, so so I think I want to

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Speaker 1: put the honors on parents as far as possible versus teachers.

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Speaker 2: Now, let's talk about that whole difficulty and coming back

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Speaker 2: to school, you know, adjusting. We're using CP as an example,

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Speaker 2: but how do you how do we then deal with

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Speaker 2: with that that tricky time, you know, when you're a

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Speaker 2: child with a be transitioning from primary to high school

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Speaker 2: or write down from grade R to primary school that

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Speaker 2: pertinent issue of friendships. How can parents best assist children

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Speaker 2: to either rebuild the friendships with those maybe that there

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Speaker 2: are going to be new grade alongside, or to form

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Speaker 2: new friendships with newer children. How do parents best assist?

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Speaker 2: Because I saw it in my days with my mother

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Speaker 2: facilitating perhaps play dates or ensuring that if there's a

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Speaker 2: birthday invitation that is sent out, it's honored, whether it

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Speaker 2: be changing plans to drop me there or staying the

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Speaker 2: time with the other parents. How do parents best facilitate

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Speaker 2: that very rocky period for a child?

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Speaker 1: And I think one key thing that we also need

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Speaker 1: to remember, and in this the society or the current days,

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Speaker 1: we don't see it lot because children can easily hide

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Speaker 1: behind their screen as well, or they we have friends

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Speaker 1: because of the likes that they have on their personal

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Speaker 1: media platform. So, but I want to emphasize that friendship

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Speaker 1: size skills. They need practice, not pressure, not to say

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Speaker 1: oh you you you will, you will find friends or

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Speaker 1: go make friends or go to so and soul's parties.

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Speaker 1: So if if people does not want to go to

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Speaker 1: Mongkeys's party, it's okay, and we then need to explore

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Speaker 1: how come you don't want to go to the play

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Speaker 1: date with mungts or how come you don't want to

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Speaker 1: go to that party or I'm awfully worried that you

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Speaker 1: know lately you have been by yourself, you have been

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Speaker 1: looking yourself in the room, or you can again as

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Speaker 1: the teacher, how is supple in the playground? Is the

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Speaker 1: interest thing with other kids? Are they isolated? Are they

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Speaker 1: eating by themselves? Are they sharing other kids because they

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Speaker 1: want to belong or a sense of belonging so bad

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Speaker 1: they will come back with an empty SCUFTI you're thinking

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Speaker 1: they are the ones who ate it, but only to

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Speaker 1: find that they were they were buying friendships. So that

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Speaker 1: is why I want to emphasize the fact that friendships

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Speaker 1: are a skilled where you need to practice also the

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Speaker 1: boundaries of how far do I become giving? Do I

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Speaker 1: become available as an individual? If you know I'm being

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Speaker 1: bullied and I yet call the people friends I had

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Speaker 1: applianned a number of years ago, who still hang out with.

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Speaker 3: This group of.

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Speaker 1: Friends because that was the only stense of belonging. But

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Speaker 1: yet they bullied their day in and day out. And

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Speaker 1: how do we then negotiate and navigate and help the

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Speaker 1: child in their software to say, no, these are not

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Speaker 1: the only people that you can belong to just because

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Speaker 1: they call you names, and YOUSO want to belong So

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Speaker 1: we need to carefully a curate I mean yes, encouraging

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Speaker 1: play datas you're mentioning group activities or even simple conversation

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Speaker 1: about kindness and sharing and taking tense and avoiding really

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Speaker 1: pressure for our children to fit in immediately. We need

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Speaker 1: to also conscientize them that, remember, you are coming to

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Speaker 1: a school where maybe there might have been cliques that

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Speaker 1: are formed where people have known each other from the

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Speaker 1: great double triple r if it's a school that has

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Speaker 1: got that goes all the way to high school, and

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Speaker 1: maybe your child is only coming in grade eight or

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Speaker 1: grade ten or grade nine. So we need to also

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Speaker 1: teach them that that's how life works in general. You're

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Speaker 1: gonna go into work places where you find people having cliques,

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Speaker 1: so it's not any different to going to school.

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Speaker 2: And that then needs a level of confidence to Like

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Speaker 2: you said, it's a skill to form these friendships, but

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Speaker 2: it also comes with that self belief or the belief

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Speaker 2: in oneself. Talk about exercises that parents can undertake to

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Speaker 2: holp children feel a tired bit more confident or maybe

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Speaker 2: relaxed and excited about returning to school or even starting

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Speaker 2: in a new school in an odd grade like a

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Speaker 2: grade eleven or grade nine.

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Speaker 1: One thing is also looking at whether the child is

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Speaker 1: As a parent, you know your child better in terms

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Speaker 1: of as they flow to warmap, Are they an excitable child?

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Speaker 1: Are they an outgoing are they an introvet? Now that

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Speaker 1: is the that point. The that point is the knowledge

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Speaker 1: of the child, because it's not one size you know,

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Speaker 1: one size fits all. If you are you know your

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Speaker 1: child is an introvet, maybe having that conversation with the

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Speaker 1: teacher the principle to say this is how my child is,

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Speaker 1: but I want to encourage them to be involved more

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Speaker 1: so enrolling them in sports like chess would be an

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Speaker 1: ideal for them versus a hugely group contact spots like

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Speaker 1: that ball as an example, but also encouraging them to say,

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Speaker 1: if you need more of the physical activity, this is

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Speaker 1: what I would recommend, or maybe tennis because tennis is

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Speaker 1: one on one, so it comes from knowing. So again

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Speaker 1: I will ask the parents during the holidays, did you

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Speaker 1: take time to know your child, to know how they teak,

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Speaker 1: to know how to help them to adjust, because in

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Speaker 1: that knowledge, that's how you will help them to adjust.

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Speaker 1: My kids, I moved them from one school where they

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Speaker 1: really felt the sense of belonging and you know, the

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Speaker 1: other one was so so so. But the fact that

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Speaker 1: she will have to start new friendships, and I assured

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Speaker 1: her and said, no, you don't have to start new friendship.

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Speaker 1: You can maintain this old friendship even though you are

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Speaker 1: going to the new friendship. And I ensured that, you know, whatever,

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Speaker 1: in whatever form, she's able to maintain this long lasting

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Speaker 1: friendship even though she is in a different school, because

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Speaker 1: I know how she attaches. So that will be the

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Speaker 1: ways in which then you help your child to to

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Speaker 1: not try to you know, so ever, you know, you

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Speaker 1: firstly acknowledge the emotions without rushing to fix the emotion.

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Speaker 1: So if you know that this child needs more encouragement,

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Speaker 1: you encourage you know, so you you you you acknowledge

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Speaker 1: to say, I see you are anxious about this. You

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Speaker 1: are never about going to school. And it makes sense

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Speaker 1: and to to help them feel understood and secure in

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Speaker 1: how they are feeling. So normalize their emotions. Yes, where

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Speaker 1: they struggle is extremely then that's when you get interventions,

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Speaker 1: but on a normal day to day you just normalize

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Speaker 1: their emotions and say, you know when I was your age,

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Speaker 1: you know, I remember this. So you just also take

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Speaker 1: some from your own struggles and your own Jenny as well.

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Speaker 2: And before we end off the conversation, let's talk about

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Speaker 2: the children who are nonverbal or perhaps on the spectrum,

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Speaker 2: whether it be autism or it's just it's it's very

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Speaker 2: difficult to have them express their emotions and perhaps chat

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Speaker 2: about it. It could just be a child who prefers

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Speaker 2: to bottle up their feelings. When we talk about trying

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Speaker 2: to identify whether the child is struggling with that that

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Speaker 2: transitional period, how best can parents approach this, particularly with

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Speaker 2: those children who who perhaps aren't able to say, mommy,

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Speaker 2: I'm not happy. I'm not anxious. I mean I am

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Speaker 2: anxious all those those various things. How how do parents

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Speaker 2: best deal with that is?

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Speaker 1: And then the important one is to be able to identify.

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Speaker 1: So maybe a tend refusal to attend school you talked

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Speaker 1: about sama framing, ongoing to disturbents, frequent headaches, and emotional withdrawal.

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Speaker 1: Obviously those are some indicators that something is not correct

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Speaker 1: or something is wrong.

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Speaker 3: You know, with children who.

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Speaker 1: Are not verbally expressive, as you're saying, you know we

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Speaker 1: are on the autistic spectrum. There want to change in patents.

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Speaker 1: You should watch for changes in patents, even if it's

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Speaker 1: in a normal school years I mean sorry, in a

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Speaker 1: new school. You can attribute that to the newness of

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Speaker 1: the environment. But then if it persists longer than what

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Speaker 1: you are used to. So you know that even though

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Speaker 1: your child is not verbally expressive after two months, after

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Speaker 1: three months, they will have settled in. But four months come,

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Speaker 1: five months come, they are not settled and they can't

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Speaker 1: they are unable to express that. You should be able

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Speaker 1: to read that the signs are saying that. You know,

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Speaker 1: we follow up with a teacher or a mental health professional.

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Speaker 3: To see what is going on.

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Speaker 1: So look for patterns that is important that will be

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Speaker 1: a self help and and and try to get intervention

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Speaker 1: as early as possible. Don't say no, Johnny, you you

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Speaker 1: you you are always tired. No, Johnny, you're always sick.

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Speaker 1: I'm taking you to to to school today. So watch

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Speaker 1: for that, watch for for those signs, even in the

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Speaker 1: unexpressed in a non verbal expression.

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Speaker 2: And I take it that it's it's just our final parting,

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Speaker 2: but I take it that it's quite difficult for those parents.

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Speaker 2: What words of encouragement would you have for parents who

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Speaker 2: are struggling to perhaps deal with this new with this,

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Speaker 2: with this phenomenon of a non verbal child.

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Speaker 1: And again, I guess I will go back to my

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Speaker 1: words of knowing your child. You know that your child

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Speaker 1: has been nasable, and this is how we have dealt

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Speaker 1: with this is how we have dealt with when when

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Speaker 1: they are under pressure. Okay, what is the goal to

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Speaker 1: in terms of comfort? So the goal is really not

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Speaker 1: to be perfect in retaining them back to school or

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Speaker 1: in integrating them. It's really a supportive one. You as

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Speaker 1: a parent, you play the support one with routine reassurance

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Speaker 1: and mostly patient, especially with the child that is nonvable

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Speaker 1: is to try out things, and so obviously most toaurance

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Speaker 1: are all faster than parents expect. But when you see

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Speaker 1: that the child is not settling, then we know there

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Speaker 1: might be other underlying issues that needs an attention of

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Speaker 1: a professional.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much. You know, I realized that when

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Speaker 2: I introduced I did not add your other surname, So

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Speaker 2: thank you so.

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Speaker 1: Much to say yes, it's been. On three occasion I say,

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Speaker 1: you know what, the cows are complete Magadia lead and

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Speaker 1: my husband listened to seven or two, so don't get

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Speaker 1: me into trouble.

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Speaker 2: That's what I'm looking for, and I'm seeing him a man.

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Speaker 2: What's short? Something is missing? No, but thank you so much.

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Speaker 2: That's Maho