1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Nicki Bush. 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: It's twelve minutes after eight o'clock. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,400 Speaker 2: Time for us to talk parenting, and this week we're 4 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:14,680 Speaker 2: talking about how can we help kids handle both victory 5 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 2: and disappointment because they'll experience both in their lives and 6 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,239 Speaker 2: I think most of life, actually you will lose more 7 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,239 Speaker 2: than you win. And so how do you, as a 8 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:27,920 Speaker 2: parent prepare your kids for both those realities? Should we 9 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 2: always let kids win or is there a certain point, 10 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:32,960 Speaker 2: a certain time in their lives where it's actually good 11 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,480 Speaker 2: to allow them to lose because you're now competing with them. 12 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 2: And I want to know when you started letting your 13 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 2: kids lose to you because you weren't going easy on them, 14 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,240 Speaker 2: you were actually competing with them. Give us a call 15 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 2: on one one eight three oh seven oh two, send 16 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,319 Speaker 2: us your what tappe messages on seven two seven oh 17 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 2: two one seven oh two. Joined on the line by 18 00:00:56,000 --> 00:01:00,120 Speaker 2: resident human potential and parenting expert Nikki Bush. Nikki, a 19 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 2: very good morning to you. 20 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,360 Speaker 1: Good morning go exent to all our listeners. 21 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 2: Glad to have you back on the show. So this 22 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,240 Speaker 2: week we are talking about how to prepare kids for 23 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 2: winning and losing, because the reality is they will encounter 24 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:18,160 Speaker 2: both in their lives. They will win some, they will 25 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:21,360 Speaker 2: lose some. But also with regards to you as a parent, 26 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 2: your kids will often compete with you first, they'll compete 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,400 Speaker 2: with you the most, and often parents will let their 28 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 2: kids win. But should they always let their kids win? 29 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:35,200 Speaker 2: Should we at some point let our kids lose? But 30 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,400 Speaker 2: let's start with the importance of preparing your kids for 31 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,480 Speaker 2: victory and disappointment, and that you can't protect your kids 32 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 2: from disappointment unfortunately, I think when your parents would like to, 33 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 2: but you just can't. 34 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:47,720 Speaker 1: Yeah. 35 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 3: Unfortunately, many parents wrap their kids in cotton wools so 36 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:55,000 Speaker 3: turkey for so long that when their kids finally do lose, 37 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,920 Speaker 3: it is such a big thing because it hasn't been 38 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 3: a gradual process. 39 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,440 Speaker 1: Prepare our children. 40 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 3: Best by both nurturing and challenging them. And I thought 41 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,160 Speaker 3: about this topic recently because I've been watching a Netflix 42 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,519 Speaker 3: series called Parenthood, and I'm getting towards the end of 43 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:15,640 Speaker 3: the series and there's this big and meshed family a 44 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 3: bit like the one I come from as well, where 45 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 3: there's the granny and the grandpa. They're the four children 46 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:25,680 Speaker 3: who are now in their late thirties and forties, and 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 3: they've all got their own children, and you see the 48 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 3: interaction between obviously the siblings and their children, and you 49 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:37,920 Speaker 3: see how the different generations interact. And in the one 50 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:44,120 Speaker 3: episode most recently, the grandfather figures out that his daughter, 51 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:48,520 Speaker 3: who's married with an only child, has defaulted to allowing 52 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 3: this only child to win all the time. And they 53 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 3: have a big family game of charades with like about 54 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 3: twenty people involved, all the kids, all the siblings, and 55 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,239 Speaker 3: the mum, the dad, the granny, and the grandpa. And 56 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 3: it's the first time that the six year old little 57 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 3: girl is playing charades with the whole family. And she's 58 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:12,440 Speaker 3: up there trying to act the word and nobody guesses 59 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 3: the word, so she didn't get the points, and she 60 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 3: has a tantrum and she storms out and she says, 61 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,680 Speaker 3: I'm never playing this game again. I hate you, I 62 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 3: hate you, and all those things. It's actually a beautiful 63 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,679 Speaker 3: episode to watch, lots of lessons to learn. And the 64 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 3: grandfather is very concerned after this, and he approaches his 65 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,200 Speaker 3: daughter and son in law and says, I'm very worried 66 00:03:34,639 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 3: because I think that you only allowed your child to win, 67 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 3: and that's not life. And the couple has this conversation 68 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,200 Speaker 3: and the daughter or the wife says to her husband, no, 69 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,920 Speaker 3: we haven't, you know, we teach her to win and lose, 70 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 3: and her husband says, actually, I think your dad's got 71 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 3: a point. Actually, if you think about it, we always 72 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,120 Speaker 3: let her win. And when you have an only child, 73 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 3: it's actually very easy to do that because there's no 74 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 3: competition in the home for your time, for your attention, 75 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 3: and you can create this perfect cocoon, which is. 76 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,200 Speaker 1: Very much not realistic of life. 77 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,920 Speaker 3: And so it was very interesting to watch this couple 78 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 3: actually have this aha moment and then decide actually they 79 00:04:23,839 --> 00:04:27,920 Speaker 3: really needed to change the script, which they did, and 80 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,880 Speaker 3: this child through such a hissy fit. 81 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,040 Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. 82 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 3: The dad beat her at a very simple game, a 83 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,359 Speaker 3: very simple board game called Candy Crush, not candy Crush, 84 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,679 Speaker 3: candy Land, candy Land, which is a game any parent 85 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,440 Speaker 3: can get. And so board games are actually a wonderful 86 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,960 Speaker 3: way to introduce children to winning and losing in a 87 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,720 Speaker 3: safe space, in a safe way, you know, having fun. 88 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:58,280 Speaker 3: But you have to tee your children up when there's 89 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:01,080 Speaker 3: a bit of a competitive game going on that they 90 00:05:01,240 --> 00:05:04,839 Speaker 3: will be a winner and they will be a loser. 91 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, And so I guess with both winning and losing, 92 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:12,880 Speaker 2: both those experiences can teach kids different things. I guess 93 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,280 Speaker 2: many of us only focus on the winning. I guess 94 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,240 Speaker 2: for many parents, or the parents who just described in 95 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:22,679 Speaker 2: the show, they kind of focused on the benefits of winning, 96 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,520 Speaker 2: which I imagine, for instance, building your child self confidence is 97 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,600 Speaker 2: quite a big part of learning when you win, because 98 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,680 Speaker 2: you think, oh, I can do I can do things, 99 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 2: I can do new things, I can do difficult things, 100 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,640 Speaker 2: which is great for children, especially when they're younger. But 101 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:40,559 Speaker 2: there are also lessons to be learned when you lose 102 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,480 Speaker 2: as well. So I imagine, for instance, when you lose, you know, 103 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:46,080 Speaker 2: you can take it quite personally, can feel like you 104 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,839 Speaker 2: have failed at something or there's something wrong with you, 105 00:05:49,279 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 2: but that can be an opportunity to learn. While I 106 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,080 Speaker 2: might not have gotten it this time, I can get 107 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,880 Speaker 2: it the next time. This doesn't mean, you know, I'm 108 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 2: terrible at all things, I'm not good at this thing, 109 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,520 Speaker 2: or I'm a bad person. So kind of trying to 110 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:08,119 Speaker 2: use both victory and disappointment is opportunities for learning instead 111 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,160 Speaker 2: of just the winning opportunity. 112 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, So why do parents default to letting their children win. 113 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 3: So you've described, you know, we want to build their 114 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,000 Speaker 3: self esteem, their self confidence. 115 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 1: We want them to believe they can. But I think 116 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:22,919 Speaker 1: one of. 117 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 3: The biggest defaults today to allow your children to win 118 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 3: is to keep your child happy. Busy parents don't have 119 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 3: time for their children to have a meltdown, for their 120 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:36,920 Speaker 3: children to have a sulk, and so we tend to 121 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,159 Speaker 3: play the game in their favor and we don't want 122 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,040 Speaker 3: them to be horrible. 123 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: To us and to snap at us. 124 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 3: So it's very, very important that we actually start this 125 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 3: process from a young age because the longer you leave it, 126 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:57,560 Speaker 3: the more difficult it's going to become. Now, I have 127 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:02,160 Speaker 3: a niece who is an ash Nor South African springboard diver, 128 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:05,560 Speaker 3: and she's currently in the US on a scholarship. So 129 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:10,440 Speaker 3: when she was at school here in matric she was 130 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 3: winning every competition hands down. She was a brilliant, brilliant 131 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 3: sport She's a fantastic sportswoman. She always celebrated other people's wins. 132 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,280 Speaker 3: I mean, obviously throughout her diving career she had many 133 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 3: times when she lost and didn't come first, or she 134 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,680 Speaker 3: barely flopped a dive, or you know, you're learning a 135 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,600 Speaker 3: new dive, you're not going to get the top schools 136 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:37,120 Speaker 3: while while you're still learning the dive. Only once you 137 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 3: have mastered the dive are you actually going to start 138 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 3: winning the competitions. So, you see, when your children play sport, 139 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 3: they learn through repetition, and to begin with, they can't 140 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:54,040 Speaker 3: be the best because they haven't learned the movement properly. 141 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,440 Speaker 3: They haven't learned to play the game properly. So introduce 142 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:01,680 Speaker 3: your children to sport because they also learn that the 143 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,679 Speaker 3: more you play, the more you practice, as Gary Player said, 144 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,360 Speaker 3: the better you get. So my niece then goes off 145 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 3: to America on a diving scholarship, having been at the 146 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 3: top of her game here in South Africa by the 147 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,680 Speaker 3: time she left, and in America she had to start 148 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 3: all over again, and she wasn't coming at the top 149 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 3: of the heap. There were way more divers in the 150 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 3: pool and she had to practice and work with a 151 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,200 Speaker 3: new coach and learn more difficult dives. And you know what, 152 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 3: the beautiful thing about her is that from an early age, 153 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,559 Speaker 3: she learned to become a good sport. She learned about 154 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,560 Speaker 3: winning and losing, She learned how to congratulate the person 155 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 3: who beat her. She learned to accept that there were 156 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 3: good days and bad days. There was your moment to 157 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,720 Speaker 3: win and there was your moment not to win. And 158 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,120 Speaker 3: it's been so fascinating in the last three years to 159 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 3: watch her sharpen her skills under the US Olympic coach 160 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,319 Speaker 3: and to put herself against people way better than herself 161 00:09:08,679 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 3: and to raise her game. And so that's the real world, 162 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:18,280 Speaker 3: isn't it. And I think so many parents miss the 163 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 3: opportunities in everyday life to allow their children to push 164 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:32,199 Speaker 3: against you. You know, kids actually want to win, but 165 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 3: they also want a challenge. So are you reading your 166 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:40,880 Speaker 3: children's signals? So let's take basic horsing around And my 167 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,400 Speaker 3: husband used to do this very well with our children. 168 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 3: Physical play on the ground, when you are wrestling with 169 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 3: each other, when you are doing it things like my 170 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,680 Speaker 3: husband used to do rhinos where they were on all 171 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,320 Speaker 3: fours and they were locking heads and shoulders with each 172 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 3: other and pushing against each other. 173 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,120 Speaker 1: Those things are important. 174 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,600 Speaker 3: They teach our children how hard to push, how hard 175 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 3: to pull. And you can allow your children to push 176 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 3: you over with a great amount of humor when they're little, 177 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 3: because you're so big and they're so little. And what 178 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,080 Speaker 3: happens is you have this little wrestling match and then 179 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 3: you fall over on your back and you laugh uproariously 180 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 3: and tell them you're so strong. Look how strong you are. 181 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 3: You pushed me over, and I'm so much bigger than you. 182 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 3: And that's how it starts. Where we allow our children 183 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 3: to win, where we literally overdo the winning. And it's 184 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:52,120 Speaker 3: almost like we create a special rule when they're very little. 185 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,800 Speaker 3: We create a special rule that allows them to win. 186 00:10:56,360 --> 00:11:00,679 Speaker 3: But sometimes they want a bigger challenge. And I love 187 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,760 Speaker 3: the work of Lawrence Cohen and so he's a psychologist 188 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 3: who wrote a book called Playful Parenting, and. 189 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 1: He says this. 190 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,959 Speaker 3: He says, in general, you start out letting them win, 191 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 3: and then you slowly play harder and harder. But it 192 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,360 Speaker 3: may go back and forth for a while. And even 193 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,760 Speaker 3: when children can beat you fair and square, they may 194 00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,280 Speaker 3: still want to play by the special rule now and then, 195 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 3: and then he goes on to say, I think the 196 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 3: best thing is to follow their lead. Now, this is 197 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 3: what parents miss is the small cues to follow your 198 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,520 Speaker 3: child's lead. You may have switched to fair play, or 199 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 3: maybe you've started playing medium hard, and then a game 200 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 3: comes along and the child signals that he or she 201 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:49,120 Speaker 3: wants to win, or maybe it's the other way around. 202 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:52,240 Speaker 3: You've been letting the child win and he or she 203 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,240 Speaker 3: starts to signal that more of a challenge is in order, 204 00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:59,360 Speaker 3: and children probably won't actually come right out and said 205 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,080 Speaker 3: you've got to be alert to those subtle signals like 206 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 3: this would be a typical one. This game's so boring. 207 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,080 Speaker 3: Or they might say did you let me win? And 208 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 3: you can answer like this, well, I did play my 209 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,199 Speaker 3: hardest do you want me to? 210 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,120 Speaker 1: So you see how. 211 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 3: We engage with a child and we get permission to 212 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:26,680 Speaker 3: play a little harder. And then maybe they gloat over 213 00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 3: winning even though you let them win. So if they're 214 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,400 Speaker 3: gloating about how good they are, you could say, well, 215 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:37,200 Speaker 3: should I play my hardest so that you don't win 216 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,280 Speaker 3: all the time, And then you see how it goes 217 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 3: and if it goes well over time, they learn to 218 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,679 Speaker 3: balance the enjoyment of winning even if they win unfairly, 219 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 3: with the enjoyment of a challenge even if they lose. 220 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,679 Speaker 3: Can you see how it's like a push me PULLU situation? 221 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:01,440 Speaker 2: And so there's another tunity a like you're saying to 222 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:05,480 Speaker 2: read your child's cues, but also you know, use whatever 223 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 2: outcome of the game as a teachable moment. Yes, and 224 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 2: I liked what you said about you know, one of 225 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,840 Speaker 2: the things that you can allow your kids to do 226 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,920 Speaker 2: is for them to master something. So you know that 227 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 2: repetition you speaking about the diver. She's had to master, 228 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,320 Speaker 2: but she's had to keep doing it, but she gets 229 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 2: it wrong. Sometimes she doesn't get it perfect all the time. 230 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 2: But that also, I think also teaches kids the importance 231 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:33,599 Speaker 2: of you have to keep showing up, so that consistency 232 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,680 Speaker 2: if you want anything, and that could be outside of 233 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 2: sport or play, it can be you know, if they're 234 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 2: doing theater, or they're in the choir or one of 235 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 2: their academics or something they really want, they have to 236 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:50,160 Speaker 2: learn the importance of consistency. You have to keep showing up, 237 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 2: even if the last time you showed up it didn't 238 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,360 Speaker 2: go all that well or you didn't like the results. 239 00:13:54,679 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 2: But it's also like one of the lessons I think 240 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,319 Speaker 2: that's quite important for kids. There again to the story 241 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 2: you shared at the beginning, she lost the game and 242 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 2: she said, I don't want to play this anymore. Whereas 243 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,079 Speaker 2: she's only going to get better at the game. You 244 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,400 Speaker 2: only get better at charades by playing charades. 245 00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,920 Speaker 3: Yeah, so losing is hard, but we can learn from it. 246 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 3: And there are also going to be unexpected circumstances, and 247 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 3: this happens often. So if I think of my youngest son, 248 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:32,360 Speaker 3: he made the first hockey team in grade eleven, and 249 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 3: then in grade twelve, a whole lot of new talent 250 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 3: came up the ranks and he was sitting on the 251 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 3: bench most matches, so he was getting very little play. 252 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,120 Speaker 3: And actually, because he enjoyed the game so much, he 253 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,760 Speaker 3: asked the coach if he could move down to the 254 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,240 Speaker 3: second team, where he would get to play a lot 255 00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 3: more than benching on the first team. But I thought 256 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,080 Speaker 3: that was very big of him, because he loved the 257 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,000 Speaker 3: game so much, it wasn't about being in the first team. 258 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,680 Speaker 3: It was about the enjoyment of the game. He chose 259 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 3: to downgrade to the lower team so he could have 260 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 3: more play, more time on the field. And so your 261 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 3: children are going to be faced with circumstances where a 262 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:26,200 Speaker 3: new child joins the school from another school and your 263 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,440 Speaker 3: child's been top dog, whether it's on the stage, whether 264 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 3: it's in the chess team, whether it's in the rugby 265 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 3: team and suddenly a bit of new talent arrives and 266 00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,000 Speaker 3: knocks them off their perch. How are they going to 267 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 3: cope with that if you've never taught them about winning 268 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 3: and losing, and that you can learn from losing, you 269 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 3: can get better and it's a life skill. So so 270 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 3: many opportunities to teach kids about winning and losing. Just 271 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 3: get them to watch Wimbledon at the moment. Look at 272 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,280 Speaker 3: how many of the top seeds got knocked out the 273 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 3: first round. How unusual was that. So learning how to 274 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 3: win and lose is a gradual process. It starts from 275 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:15,480 Speaker 3: probably around the age of I would say four. But 276 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,360 Speaker 3: you can start playing collaborative board games. Going visit nicky 277 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:22,320 Speaker 3: bosh dot com. Go and have a look at all 278 00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 3: the game suggestions and recommendations that I have there, And 279 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,800 Speaker 3: there are lots of collaborative games for children aged four 280 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 3: to six where everybody is involved in making sure the 281 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,720 Speaker 3: team wins, because that's of course the other side of 282 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 3: winning and losing. It's not always about individual sports. It's 283 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,600 Speaker 3: about your contribution to a team, and your team may 284 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 3: win and your team may lose. So go and have 285 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,840 Speaker 3: a look at those collaborative board games if you want 286 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 3: an early start at how we all collaborate to win together. 287 00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,480 Speaker 3: And then if you look at my homemade game suggestions, 288 00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 3: those are about winning and losing. There's the beatle dice game. There's, 289 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,120 Speaker 3: of course, there's party games. If you think of going 290 00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 3: to an old fashioned party where you play musical bumps 291 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 3: and musical chairs. When the music stops, everybody finds a chair, 292 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,160 Speaker 3: but there's one less chair than there is the number 293 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 3: of players. 294 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: Somebody's going to be out. 295 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,399 Speaker 3: And it is actually such fun because in this game 296 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,200 Speaker 3: you're the winner. 297 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,520 Speaker 1: In this game, you're the loser. 298 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:32,480 Speaker 3: Play the game three or four times, everybody's bound to 299 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,199 Speaker 3: have an opportunity to win and to lose. And I 300 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,880 Speaker 3: think the important thing is that you said it's how 301 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,120 Speaker 3: you keep showing up. 302 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,120 Speaker 1: That is actually when you know. 303 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,760 Speaker 3: You've done a good or a bad job with your children, 304 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:51,280 Speaker 3: it's how they show up, whether they win or lose. 305 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 2: Nikki is always a great pleasure having you on the show. 306 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time. That's a great pleasure. 307 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 3: And people can get more information on this at nikkibusch 308 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:03,760 Speaker 3: dot com. 309 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,800 Speaker 2: That is our resident human potential and parenting expert Nikki Bush. 310 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in 311 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,879 Speaker 2: a seven oh two land. We start with an upcoming 312 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:20,160 Speaker 2: history of house collaboration between Murder and Soweto Gospel Choie. 313 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,320 Speaker 2: It's happening at the Baseline Fest. We'll speak to choreographer 314 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,840 Speaker 2: and choir master of the Soweto Gospel Choir. 315 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 1: She meet G and M. Also then look at some art. 316 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,760 Speaker 2: The Standard Bank Art Lab has just recently been unveiled. 317 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 2: We'll speak to doctor Simet and Glory from Standard Bank. 318 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,879 Speaker 2: But first, a very busy sporting weekend including the Box 319 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,600 Speaker 2: in Action this weekend, so let's check in with you latest. 320 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,879 Speaker 2: I Witness New Sport with Anthony to Shada