WEBVTT - Love Connection: Dating etiquette 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.360 Even though I'm not in them jollopool anymore. I listen. 0:00:04.880 --> 0:00:07.240 I listen to what Rakadi of Nation has to say. 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:10.760 She is a right Here in studio, we have Don 0:00:12.280 --> 0:00:15.120 who's a relationship coach. She's also an author of the 0:00:15.160 --> 0:00:19.200 book The Dating Playbook, and she's here today in studio 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.520 to talk us through dating etiquette, us to do Welcome. 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:26.560 How are you. I'm okay, I'm good. I'm excited for 0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:28.000 the conversation. Okay. 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:32.239 And I think you can tell I'm excited because I 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:38.320 have been speaking about how dating is just so complicated. 0:00:38.400 --> 0:00:38.600 Now. 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:42.960 I don't know when things got this technical. Wow, when 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:47.040 things became when they were dos and don't I mean, 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:51.159 what happened to Hello baby, I love you. Give me 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:54.560 three days. I'll go think about it. I come back. 0:00:54.920 --> 0:00:56.560 I love you too. 0:00:57.200 --> 0:00:57.640 Yeah. 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:03.000 So, unfortunately, and anyone who follows my work knows this, 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:09.200 it's just the way we've rearranged ourselves as communities. And unfortunately, 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:13.080 you know, we are living through the unintended consequences of 0:01:14.120 --> 0:01:16.959 something where people were either trying to do good or 0:01:17.000 --> 0:01:20.039 to protect their kids. And it has a lot to 0:01:20.120 --> 0:01:23.000 do with the fact that we went and we put 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:27.600 our kids in tiny little containers. And we also didn't 0:01:27.600 --> 0:01:31.840 allow them to play in the yards. And it was 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:35.800 all because of safety, right and protecting them in this big, big, 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:39.720 uncertain world that we live in. And we forgot that, well, 0:01:39.760 --> 0:01:42.560 we didn't forget. We didn't actually we took for granted 0:01:42.880 --> 0:01:45.480 that the fact that you have to play, you have 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:48.639 to find a group, you have to enter a group. 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:51.440 You have to be able to adopt to the norms, 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:53.920 you have to be able to handle conflict, you have 0:01:54.000 --> 0:01:59.400 to compromise, know when to embrace someone, know when to 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:03.520 draw bound. Is that that was teaching us social skills, 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:05.880 and what has happened to a lot of people is 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:10.320 that they've lost the interpersonal skills. Never mind just interpersonal skills, 0:02:10.320 --> 0:02:14.280 but also interpersonal skills that are important to inter romantic relationships. 0:02:14.800 --> 0:02:16.680 So this whole idea of. 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:19.640 Why it becomes so technical and why you need someone 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:22.720 like me really is because of the fact that you 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.840 know that thing which people would have refined maybe in 0:02:25.880 --> 0:02:29.640 the late teens and twenties, learning how to form romantic 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:33.200 interpersonal relationships. They no longer have the opportunity to do so, 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:36.880 right because of the fact that we live with amongst 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:40.240 people who have and I always say this, if you've 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:42.679 blocked somebody on what's up, if you're talking about you 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:45.560 predicting your peace and boundaries and so forth, Yeah, that 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:48.080 is a reaction to the fact that you do not 0:02:48.280 --> 0:02:51.920 know how to handle difficult times and conflict, right. And 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:54.160 what you're finding in dating is people are so quick 0:02:54.200 --> 0:02:55.960 to ghost each other, to block each other and all 0:02:56.000 --> 0:02:58.240 these other things. And isn't that because they just think 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:00.440 there's more, there's someone else, There's always some I think 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:03.000 also what has happened is that through social media and 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:06.959 technology so instant gratification, if somebody doesn't download in five minutes, 0:03:07.000 --> 0:03:09.160 then it means, oh, no, he's not the one, right. 0:03:09.600 --> 0:03:12.800 And also because the internet gives you the illusion that 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:16.240 there's more, that you can get more right because of 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:19.760 the fact that you are seeing someone where you know 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:22.360 as people. There's something called a Jhiris window, and what 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.560 it says is that the real you is found between 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:29.359 how you perceive yourself and how the world perceives you, right, 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:33.000 and somewhere in the middle, this is the really real you. 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:37.800 And what happens is that people just generally overrate themselves 0:03:38.320 --> 0:03:41.480 and so you're seeing someone and you're like I am 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.640 that person. I either have the same dating market value 0:03:44.640 --> 0:03:47.680 as that person or that good looking and that charming 0:03:47.720 --> 0:03:50.080 and so forth. And if they can get a then 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:51.000 I can get a too. 0:03:51.360 --> 0:03:51.640 Yeah. 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:53.920 But the reality is, actually, maybe you're not that charming. 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:57.440 Maybe your dating market value is not that high. 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:01.240 Dating market value we'll come back, we'll come back to. 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:03.880 But maybe it's not that high. 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:06.840 And you think you have these amount of options, but 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:10.640 you actually have quite a smaller base to play with 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:13.720 than the person you're comparing yourself to. And that's what's 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:15.920 happening to a lot of people. So they keep on 0:04:16.040 --> 0:04:19.040 thinking I meet better, I can do better and better. 0:04:19.560 --> 0:04:21.240 Then they get to a point in the life where 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:24.840 either hits them that actually, you know what, what I've 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:27.560 been coming across, So the people that I've been coming 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:31.520 across actually good people and great people, and yeah, I 0:04:31.520 --> 0:04:32.520 should explore that. 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.279 What they end up lonely then that's the reality. 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:41.000 Sure, Okay, I mean divorced men my LORMI these days 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:45.640 they call themselves baddies, And I'm like, well, once you're 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:48.320 going through a midlife crisis and you do not realize it. 0:04:50.040 --> 0:04:53.160 You're seeking the sense of freedom and you think it's 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:55.480 because of the fact that oh, I was so appraised 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:58.960 in my marriage and so forth and whatever. No, actually, 0:04:59.320 --> 0:05:02.520 we just don't know how to recognize a midlife crisis 0:05:02.960 --> 0:05:06.719 because back then it was a bold man buying a Porsche, right, 0:05:07.200 --> 0:05:09.400 And now we live in twenty twenty five, and that 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:14.039 the midlife crisis looks a little bit different, right. And 0:05:14.200 --> 0:05:16.120 what's happening is that you have these bunch of men 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:19.039 who are in the forties and fifties whereby human beings 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:22.839 are coupled beings. We're meant to find someone to spend 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:25.560 time with, whether in the context of marriage or being 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:28.880 a life partner. But we cove coupled beings and they're 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:32.080 enjoying their time right now because also we malam, especially 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:35.359 the black Malome, we probably are seeing a version of 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:39.080 Malome that has slightly or even much more money than 0:05:39.080 --> 0:05:42.160 the Malumas of the past, right, And so there's much 0:05:42.160 --> 0:05:44.640 more freedom for them, and they don't know what to 0:05:44.720 --> 0:05:47.359 do with this freedom, and they're not also exploring this 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:51.120 freedom in the context of you're going through a midlife 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:54.240 crisis and it's gonna stop and one day you're gonna 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:58.279 yearn from companionship. But you've broken so many hearts along 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:01.800 the way, You've burned so many bridges along the way 0:06:02.279 --> 0:06:04.200 that you're gonna wake up at fifty seven and you're 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:08.280 gonna be like, ah, actually I wanted a companion, and yes, 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:11.039 you think that my two thousand will be an option then. 0:06:11.320 --> 0:06:14.160 But you know, we grow and mature as people, and 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:18.680 people seek companionship with the level of the frequency they're 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:21.480 vibrating it. And you're a mature man, you're probably looking 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:23.920 for some mature love. But now you have to start 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.640 all over again, and you've wasted ten years of your 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:32.159 life whereby you even lost the skill of compromising, of 0:06:32.240 --> 0:06:37.400 accommodating another person, and sometimes it makes you undesirable at 0:06:37.400 --> 0:06:39.600 the end because you don't have that skill set. 0:06:40.200 --> 0:06:43.159 That's what we're seeing in the market. It sounds so scary, 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:47.240 you know, it sounds it sounds. It sounds like something 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:48.960 I don't want to be a part of. So listen. 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:57.719 The term etiquette is hardly ever used, you know, for 0:06:57.920 --> 0:06:59.640 dating or to describe dating. 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:03.400 We think about etiquette, you know, at the dinner table, 0:07:03.839 --> 0:07:07.080 and you know, when you walk into boardrooms or you know, 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:10.200 but we hardly ever think dating etiquette. 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:14.160 What does that look like is this how we. 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:16.520 Carry ourselves in the dating space when people want to 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:18.480 into dating, and how far does it go. 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:22.400 So if you dissect the word etiquette, it's really how 0:07:22.400 --> 0:07:24.720 do you show up as the best version of yourself 0:07:24.880 --> 0:07:27.320 in the context of whatever it is that you're doing. 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:32.119 And what happens in dating is that you know, as people, 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:35.040 we act out our childhood in our adult years, so 0:07:35.120 --> 0:07:38.160 weproject a lot as people, and sometimes we do not 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:43.560 understand where that comes from, and our and our expectations 0:07:43.840 --> 0:07:48.320 then manifest in the behaviors that we demonstrate. And a 0:07:48.320 --> 0:07:51.120 lot of people do not introspect, and it's just the 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:55.560 nature of human beings, although don't deeply introspect. And what 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:59.040 happens is that we form these expectations and we don't 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:01.880 ask ourselves what in forms these expectations. A lot of 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:05.680 people form standards and expectations from a wounded place, and 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:09.200 then what happens is that manifaces into behaviors when we 0:08:09.200 --> 0:08:09.800 start dating. 0:08:09.800 --> 0:08:10.840 So I'll give you an example. 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:14.760 Let's say, for example, a single and I meet a guy, 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:18.560 and I come from a place where maybe I have 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:23.160 an absent dad wound, whereby if the guy doesn't show 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:27.320 some kind of seriousness within it, or in the manner 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:29.840 that I want him to show that he's serious, then 0:08:29.880 --> 0:08:33.040 automatically assigned that you're gonna abandon me like my father 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:36.360 abandoned me, right, or I can even be super needy. 0:08:36.840 --> 0:08:38.920 The what happens is that we start texting each other 0:08:39.000 --> 0:08:42.120 with this guy, and now, because the guy didn't text 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:45.120 me at five per seven and he said he was 0:08:45.160 --> 0:08:48.000 gonna text me at five past seven, or definitely he 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:51.440 can't be the one, right, And I'll start telling him, 0:08:51.520 --> 0:08:54.280 you know, you're not the one, or this all of 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:58.439 the things, and I'm projecting all of this and transferring 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:02.160 all my frustrations onto the And that's what's happening. From 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:06.160 an etiquette perspective is that most of the dating literature, 0:09:06.200 --> 0:09:06.800 if you read. 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:08.920 It, it tells you how to behave. 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:11.880 And I take it a step further, and I say, 0:09:12.320 --> 0:09:15.079 you first need to understand what informs your behavior and 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.520 where do they come from, and from an expectation perspective, 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:20.960 because there then you don't have to remember rule book. 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:23.760 When I was learning this thing, there were the rules 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:26.880 of dating. There was a rule book. Had a couple 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:28.720 of friends before a restaurant used to have a black 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:31.120 book and a rule book, and sometimes you'd go to 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:33.000 the bathroom and then we'll look at this rule book 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:35.680 to say, okay, we're at the stage in this conversation, 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:37.720 what do we do as humor date. 0:09:39.280 --> 0:09:39.839 Exactly? 0:09:40.000 --> 0:09:40.200 You know. 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.640 But I was young and I was having fun and 0:09:42.720 --> 0:09:43.400 it was learning. 0:09:44.080 --> 0:09:46.079 And what I learned from that process was that you 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:48.959 do really want to give people a rule book. What 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.800 you want to do is you want to psychologically prepare 0:09:51.840 --> 0:09:54.760 them in such a way that it's easy for them 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:57.240 to show up as the best version of themselves on 0:09:57.280 --> 0:10:00.840 a date. And it's just been conscious first d it's 0:10:00.840 --> 0:10:03.360 not an interview. You're not asking for a blood sample, 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:06.280 to be quite honest, you're not choosing a husband. You're 0:10:06.360 --> 0:10:09.480 just you're just literally getting to know the other person. 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:13.160 You know you need to be at ease. And if, 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:15.400 for example, you're struggling a lot of demons, maybe you 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:18.600 shouldn't be going on dates yet first to settle those demons, 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:20.520 then you go on dates, because then you're going to 0:10:20.559 --> 0:10:25.120 project all sorts of things when you get to those dates. 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:28.760 It's things like that. It's also about what what what 0:10:28.840 --> 0:10:32.040 do you want this person to take out from this interaction? 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:36.400 About you, which is what opinion should this person form 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:38.880 about you? And you know, I always say, you can 0:10:38.920 --> 0:10:41.079 become what the person is looking for, or you can 0:10:41.120 --> 0:10:43.360 become or you can find a person who's looking for you. 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.640 Now it's much more difficult to become because then it's 0:10:46.679 --> 0:10:50.160 not sometimes not aligned with your essence, your values and 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:52.439 so forth. And rather find somebody who's looking for you. 0:10:53.000 --> 0:10:54.480 And I always say, you know, you just want to 0:10:54.480 --> 0:10:57.520 project that. So if the person walks away with the 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:00.840 impression that this is who to do, is what's important 0:11:00.960 --> 0:11:05.520 to do? Do and lightheartedly please like what is important? 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:08.040 Not about the fact that you want seven kids by 0:11:09.080 --> 0:11:09.960 age thirty seven? 0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:11.680 It state one. It's the date. 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:14.080 I was about to say, get it. I want the granular. 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:17.400 You know how we go about fifty first. 0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:20.040 I always say the first date, especially if this is 0:11:20.120 --> 0:11:22.559 the you meet a person. Maybe you know, South Africa's 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:24.400 so unique in such a sense that you can meet 0:11:24.400 --> 0:11:27.160 a person walking down the road, Hello, nice, can I 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:29.880 have your number? And so forth? Well, another parts of 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:32.719 the world. It really is online dating, but people now 0:11:32.760 --> 0:11:36.120 slide into DMS. Yeah, it really is in essense the 0:11:36.120 --> 0:11:38.440 same thing. So if you're meeting this first one, for 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:40.600 the person for the first time in a conversation. 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:42.800 I always say, keep it short. 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:46.160 Schedule a coffee, you know, don't make it a date, 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:48.200 because the thing is when you go over two to 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:50.400 three hours, now you're going to start telling your life 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:53.440 story and your family secrets and your traumas. 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:56.040 Right, that goes against everything I've seen. 0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:59.839 I've seen people saying, oh, you know, a coffee makes 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:03.360 you seem as though you're you're low maintenance already, you're 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:05.320 setting You're setting yourself up. 0:12:05.360 --> 0:12:08.120 Because he's gonna think it's just like coffee. There must 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:12.000 be greater effort. No women complain that men don't chase 0:12:12.000 --> 0:12:15.240 after them. Nobody chases somebody who's not running. When you 0:12:15.280 --> 0:12:19.120 spend an hour having coffee with somebody and you've got 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.760 better things to do, that inspires the person to spend 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:24.640 more time with you because there's not enough time to 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:28.240 explore the entire conversation. So when they say, oh, more 0:12:28.280 --> 0:12:31.280 efforts and more of it, it's incremental. I just made 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.679 you today. Why am I taking you to a seven 0:12:33.720 --> 0:12:36.720 star hotel? Why do you have that expectation? You know, 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:39.200 and I'm not saying the person must find the cheapest 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:40.120 coffee place. 0:12:40.160 --> 0:12:40.960 Around the corner. 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.800 But they just made you today, right, and we need 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:48.280 to adjust our expectations. Seven star restaurants for anniversaries and 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:51.520 special things and whatever, they're not for first dates. If 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:54.880 that's a girl at who's expecting a seven star restaurant 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:56.880 and so forth, you might just be setting yourself up 0:12:56.880 --> 0:12:57.840 for failure, you know. 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:00.240 So I think that's the other thing we just need. 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:02.760 And this is the reason why I talk about what 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:06.520 informs your expectations because already you haven't even gone on 0:13:06.559 --> 0:13:08.920 a date, but you've already set the criteria as to 0:13:09.440 --> 0:13:11.880 how this person should wine and dine. You you know, 0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:15.640 what is your standard with regards to that. And I 0:13:15.800 --> 0:13:18.559 just think that people just like at the end of 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:21.080 the day, most people are lonely. Most people are seeking 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.120 a partner. So they have these expectations or I will 0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.120 not do this, or no, you know what, I know 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:29.280 my worth and so forth and whatever. But ultimately you 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:33.200 go to bed and you're you're lonely, and there's nothing 0:13:33.240 --> 0:13:38.040 wrong with seeking a fulfilling relationships to relationships. 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:39.360 Sorry, yeah, we're human. 0:13:39.840 --> 0:13:42.760 We have an innate desire to be part of a 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:46.000 community and to be coupled, right, So there's nothing wrong 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:49.480 with you with seeking that right, But if you want 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:52.520 somebody else to receive you with care and to acknowledge 0:13:52.600 --> 0:13:54.360 that you're a human being, you should be able to 0:13:54.480 --> 0:13:57.559 receive other people with care, and it starts with your expectations. 0:13:57.920 --> 0:13:59.920 So for me, it's like the first date is something 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:04.880 I hearted, it's just a high level view of who 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:05.760 the person is. 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:06.120 Right. 0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:10.280 I always say, you have no business, you know, asking 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:12.200 the person if they want seven or ten kids on 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:14.720 this on the first date. You know, it's establishing whether 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.280 you can work with this person. So for example, if 0:14:17.320 --> 0:14:22.160 you have certain boundaries or maybe definite no nos. So 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:24.240 for example, if you say, I don't want somebody who's 0:14:24.320 --> 0:14:26.880 a child, I don't want somebody who's been married before, 0:14:26.960 --> 0:14:28.680 I don't want somebody who's a drag at it. 0:14:28.840 --> 0:14:31.080 Hopefully then you can. 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:33.440 Be able to establish that on date one and determine 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:35.440 whether you really really want to go through with this 0:14:35.840 --> 0:14:39.040 or maybe you know what, it's okay, And I think 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:42.440 the other dates are the opportunities now to know each other. 0:14:42.600 --> 0:14:45.560 So what happens is that a lot of people, especially women, 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:48.440 they go on dates, they're trying so hard to impress 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:52.960 the person. It's about shs just working hard to get 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:55.840 this person to like me, but they end up not 0:14:55.920 --> 0:14:58.560 knowing who the person is. And hence why somebody could 0:14:58.600 --> 0:15:00.960 date somebody for eight months and then the red flag 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.440 comes and they was like, I didn't see those please 0:15:03.760 --> 0:15:06.920 please me like this since the beginning of time. Yes, 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:10.200 you were just so fixated on praising this person. And 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.400 it's a two way thing. It's a word you're really 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:17.440 taking opportunity. You know, for example, when you go for interviews, 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:19.160 and the reason why I use interviews there is a 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:21.800 lot of you know, people who take interest. 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.520 In these conversations have jobs of some sort. 0:15:24.600 --> 0:15:25.960 So if you go off for an interview, you know 0:15:26.000 --> 0:15:30.400 you're in a better position when you're like, when you're 0:15:30.440 --> 0:15:32.040 not on the tip of oh. 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.440 I hate my job, please hire me, hire me, hire. 0:15:34.240 --> 0:15:36.920 Me, because if you come from that perspective, then you're 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.280 not going to be able to negotiate a good salary. 0:15:39.960 --> 0:15:41.920 And you know, like, for example, also the other person 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:44.880 might be concerned that what am I taking into my organization, 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:47.360 and you need to think about dating from that perspective, 0:15:48.040 --> 0:15:51.440 then nobody wants somebody who's like, oh please, please please, 0:15:51.480 --> 0:15:54.440 you'd give me off the dating market you know, well, 0:15:54.440 --> 0:15:56.880 please please please, you know, like I don't know, give 0:15:56.920 --> 0:16:00.560 me seven kids and seven months time, not looking for 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:01.640 that people. 0:16:01.360 --> 0:16:02.320 Are really looking for. 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:05.840 You're more attractive when you're at ease and if you 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:09.840 know that you have some kind of things that you 0:16:09.880 --> 0:16:13.880 need to work through and heal from the pause, get 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:16.920 yourself right first, then into the dating scene. 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:17.640 And that's the thing. 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:21.440 It's like, people don't understand that you have more success 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:23.480 dating when you are happy. 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:29.920 We're speaking dating etiquette with Donzella. She's a relationship coach 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:33.400 and she's helping us make sense of what dating etiquette 0:16:33.400 --> 0:16:34.080 actually is. 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:34.800 And I've been. 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:38.320 Saying, I know absolutely nothing about dating it together. Where 0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:41.880 I'm from, it's the basic killo guy. 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:47.120 And then yeah and yeah, oh you have woman, no 0:16:47.240 --> 0:16:48.440 my car exactly. 0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:51.960 And I just feel. 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:56.160 Dating has become so it's evolved so much, and she's 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:59.080 explaining it so beautifully to us about why we're in 0:16:59.080 --> 0:17:01.640 the situation that we are in right now. 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:02.280 I want to invite you. 0:17:02.320 --> 0:17:03.680 I'm going to open up the lines or a double 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:06.159 one double a three oh seven oh two two to 0:17:06.240 --> 0:17:09.399 one double four six oh five six seven. That's if 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.640 you're in Cape Town and if you would rather send 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:15.119 us an SMS. It's three one seven oh two, and 0:17:15.160 --> 0:17:17.359 I want to read to you the WhatsApp lance that 0:17:17.480 --> 0:17:20.320 if you want to send WhatsApp instead, it is a 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:23.440 zero seven two seven oh two one seven oh two, 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.840 looking forward to your contributions and looking forward to your questions. 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:30.760 She's here studio for you to take your questions, so 0:17:30.880 --> 0:17:33.800 get in touch with us. I want to speak about 0:17:34.440 --> 0:17:38.600 talking stages, yes, because I think while you speak about 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:42.800 first date's not being you know the way you must 0:17:42.960 --> 0:17:45.560 lay it all you know and open up your chest. 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:48.320 And but now there's something called the talking stage where 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:52.560 people talk for seven months, yeah, five months, six months on. 0:17:52.480 --> 0:17:54.160 The phone, yeah, and never meet. 0:17:54.520 --> 0:17:57.119 So always ask, especially a woman, are you looking for 0:17:57.119 --> 0:17:58.240 a boyfriend or a pen pal? 0:17:58.920 --> 0:17:59.680 Let's start there. 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:03.200 And I think the last time I heard anyone write 0:18:03.240 --> 0:18:06.040 anything to a pin pial was in the nineties. I'm 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:08.160 forty three years old, so in high school they were 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:10.800 pin pulse. Because what happens is that what is the 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:13.960 intention of somebody taking your number? This person took your 0:18:14.040 --> 0:18:16.520 number so that they can take you on a date. 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:20.879 And I always say, take the interaction out of a 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:24.800 texting platform, be it social media or what's up as 0:18:24.880 --> 0:18:27.360 quickly as possible. I think a guy wants you, he'll 0:18:27.400 --> 0:18:30.480 make a plan right. And if a guy is not 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:32.800 sure about or if a guy's not really into you, 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:33.640 he won't. 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:36.040 You won't be sure about him. You know, you'd be confused. 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:39.800 So for me when it comes to texting, I think 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:42.480 you know, texting plays a role, but it's not the 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:45.879 whole entire relationship. One, you are not looking for a 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:49.240 pain pull. You are looking for a boyfriend. Number two 0:18:49.280 --> 0:18:52.480 are not a witch. So I don't understand why you're 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:56.159 responding to texts at eleven twelve o'clock at night. You 0:18:56.760 --> 0:18:59.760 know that's somebody. There's an author called Robert Green. He 0:18:59.800 --> 0:19:04.119 told about the art of seduction. He says, you must poet, poet, 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:08.760 size your existence. So I have a couple of single 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:11.639 friends and they'd be like, oh, we're texting from twelve 0:19:11.680 --> 0:19:13.240 and soil three am. 0:19:13.320 --> 0:19:15.400 I'm like, don't you work? Like don't you have other 0:19:15.440 --> 0:19:16.560 things to do with yourself? 0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:19.560 So I think also that you know, because how do 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:22.200 you create like this aura of the person must look 0:19:22.240 --> 0:19:24.400 forward to talking to you, just like you look forward 0:19:24.480 --> 0:19:27.120 to talking to this person. I think you know that's 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:33.119 quite important, and it you know, texting someone is low effort, 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:35.600 to be quite honest, and you must ask yourself what 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:38.160 does it take to date you? So, really, what does 0:19:38.200 --> 0:19:40.520 it take for somebody to date you, to make you 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:43.800 a girlfriend, or to take you to bed? And if 0:19:43.840 --> 0:19:48.040 it's three texts, I'm worried about you. It's a concern, right, 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.639 It's just like somebody just texting you all the time. 0:19:51.280 --> 0:19:54.200 That is a big, big concern. And I think people 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:57.359 need to ask themselves these questions. You don't have to 0:19:57.400 --> 0:19:59.639 answer me. You don't have to tell it to anyone, 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:04.160 just to you and your ancestors. But when I'm allowing 0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:08.960 what I'm allowing in this interaction stage or this early 0:20:09.000 --> 0:20:12.919 interaction stage, what does it say about me? 0:20:13.840 --> 0:20:17.320 So are you telling me three it takes three texts, 0:20:18.480 --> 0:20:22.080