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Speaker 1: Seven o two for weekend breakfast and parenting Nicki Bush.

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Speaker 2: Eleven minutes after eight o'clark, time for us to talk parenting,

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Speaker 2: and this morning we are talking about how to tame

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Speaker 2: the fight or flight response which many of us are,

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Speaker 2: particularly in very stressful situations, will find ourselves in. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: you find yourself in that fight or flight response while

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Speaker 2: you are driving, because sometimes driving in seven to land

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Speaker 2: can be a scary business. And so this morning we

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Speaker 2: are talking about how to tame it in your kids

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Speaker 2: but also in yourself. And joined as always is our

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Speaker 2: resident human potential and parenting expert, Nikki Bush. Nikki, A

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Speaker 2: very good morning to you.

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Speaker 1: Good to have you back.

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Speaker 2: On the show.

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Speaker 1: Thanks girks, great to be back.

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Speaker 2: I love the sound of your voice. It's sounding strong

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Speaker 2: and like you've recovered because you were well the last

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Speaker 2: time we spoke. So very happy to hear that you're

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Speaker 2: sounding well.

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Speaker 1: Thank you.

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Speaker 3: What I have to say while we are on this

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Speaker 3: topic of fight or flight or freeze, know, as a presenter,

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Speaker 3: somebody who is a vocal professional like I am, we

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Speaker 3: rely on our voices to do business.

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Speaker 1: It is the scariest.

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Speaker 3: Thing when you lose your voice, and it really can

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Speaker 3: put you in a fight flight response because you actually

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Speaker 3: imagine the worst case scenario, you know, what if my

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Speaker 3: voice doesn't come back. So, yeah, it's interesting that I

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Speaker 3: picked this topic today.

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Speaker 2: Actually, So when we talk about fight flight freeze, there's

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Speaker 2: even fawn as a stress response. You know, we're talking

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Speaker 2: about what happens to us when we're in really stressful situations.

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Speaker 2: And I guess for many of us.

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Speaker 1: We know adults.

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Speaker 2: Experience that, but I think very seldom do you consider

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Speaker 2: that even children can experience those responses to stress.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, So let's just look at the anatomy of the

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Speaker 3: brain to understand what we're actually talking about. So, the

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Speaker 3: amygdala is in the emotional brain, and that activates the

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Speaker 3: final flight response, and it does so without any initiative

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Speaker 3: from you. So, whether you're an adult or a child,

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Speaker 3: if your brain senses danger, it signals to your brain

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Speaker 3: to pump stress hormones, preparing your body to either fight

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Speaker 3: or flight flight, flight, fight flight or freeze for survival.

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Speaker 1: Now, we don't live.

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Speaker 3: As hunter gatherers anymore, you know, waiting for a lion

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Speaker 3: or a tiger or a leopard to jump out, you know,

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Speaker 3: and attack us. But because we live in a very

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Speaker 3: high stress society, high stress way of life. That final

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Speaker 3: flight response is triggered by emotions such as stress, fear, anxiety, aggression, anger.

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Speaker 3: And if you think about children, you know there goes

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Speaker 3: through various ages and stages. And if you think about

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Speaker 3: that in the playground or at school, where maybe your

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Speaker 3: child feels lonely, maybe they feel left out, think of

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Speaker 3: social media what that does with children. One of the

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Speaker 3: worst things that can happen to a young person today,

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Speaker 3: and we're talking from young like around ten years of

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Speaker 3: age through to early twenties, is to be rejected by

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Speaker 3: the crowd, to be ghosted, to be pushed on the sidelines,

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Speaker 3: not to be included. So you know, that would kick

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Speaker 3: off the stress, fear, anxiety, aggression, anger response. It could

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Speaker 3: be that your child doesn't make the cut in terms

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Speaker 3: of the team or getting put into the cast of

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Speaker 3: the school production. It could be any number of things.

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Speaker 3: It could be that you're going through a tough time

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Speaker 3: in your marriage and that overflows into your children. It

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Speaker 3: could be that you as the parent, are going through

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Speaker 3: a tough time at work, maybe a massive deadline. Maybe

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Speaker 3: you're part of a company that's being restructured or there's

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Speaker 3: a merger or an acquisition happening, it's uncertain whether you

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Speaker 3: will have a job in the future. You know, all

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Speaker 3: of these things are very stressful and they they kick

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Speaker 3: off this the amygdala, to protect ourselves, get gets ignited.

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Speaker 3: And what happens then is these emotions can override our

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Speaker 3: thinking brain, which is at the front of our brain.

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Speaker 3: You know, if you put your hand on your forehead,

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Speaker 3: your thinking brain is behind your forehead. That's your executive functioning,

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Speaker 3: that your rational brain. And if you're a migdala hijacks

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Speaker 3: your rational brain, then all hell breaks loose.

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Speaker 1: And so with the stress.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: When we think of stress as situations, we often think

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Speaker 2: of them as negative because often they are. You you know,

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Speaker 2: you avoid an accident in traffic, you avoid a particularly

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Speaker 2: dangerous situation. But sometimes stress can happen even in good

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Speaker 2: things like that feeling you get just before you know

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Speaker 2: a roller coaster starts, or that feeling you get, I

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Speaker 2: mean you would know this before you you know, start

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Speaker 2: an event, or or do you know your job. Sometimes

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Speaker 2: performance anxiety, yes, so sometimes stress can be that little

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Speaker 2: I guess, that boost just before you do something or

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Speaker 2: when you need to do something.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and you know you like me because we're in

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Speaker 3: the public eye. We know we've learned how to manage

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Speaker 3: what I call performance anxiety.

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Speaker 1: And in fact, to give you.

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Speaker 3: An example of just how powerful adrenaline actually is, is

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Speaker 3: that you know I wasn't on the show last weekend,

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Speaker 3: and the week before that I was. I didn't feel ill,

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Speaker 3: but I did not have a voice, but you will not.

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Speaker 3: It was unbelievable how on a day when I woke

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Speaker 3: up and my voice went in the morning, that's.

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Speaker 1: All I could get out of my voice.

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Speaker 3: By lunchtime that day, when I had to present for

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Speaker 3: a corporate client, Obviously, having steamed and sucked lozenges and

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Speaker 3: drunk hot drinks and gargled and done everything I could

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Speaker 3: think of, I actually had enough of a voice to

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Speaker 3: present And that was adrenaline. And literally half an hour

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Speaker 3: after that talk, I had no voice. So our stress

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Speaker 3: hormones can be very useful at times, but they can.

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Speaker 1: Be very destructive at other times.

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Speaker 3: Now, obviously healthwise, I should never have spoken on that day,

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Speaker 3: so I was pushing my voice to the limit. But

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Speaker 3: let's think about because you mentioned you know, emotions come.

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Speaker 1: Up when you're in these stressful situations.

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Speaker 3: We mustn't fear our emotions because our emotions and our

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Speaker 3: feelings are data, they are information. They are giving us

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Speaker 3: information to work with. But sometimes those emotions can be

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Speaker 3: so huge that it can shut down our thinking brain

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Speaker 3: and we become very reactive. This is the destructive side

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Speaker 3: of the emotions, fully taking over when perhaps it's not warranted.

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Speaker 3: So we're not being chased by a lion, but we're

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Speaker 3: responding like we're being chased by a lion. We're being

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Speaker 3: very reactive rather than responsive, and this can alter the

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Speaker 3: way we make decisions and the way we show up

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Speaker 3: and behave, and can result in inappropriate or irrational behavior,

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Speaker 3: which can lead.

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Speaker 1: To embarrassment or regret.

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Speaker 3: Embarrassment and regret can be hard to bounce back from,

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Speaker 3: so we want to try and avoid that when it's inappropriate.

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Speaker 3: So what we're talking about in terms of parenting behavior

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Speaker 3: and in terms of our children's behavior is not having

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Speaker 3: those irrational outbursts that are difficult to come back from.

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Speaker 3: I did it. I remember doing it once with my children.

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Speaker 3: We were in a tight financial position as a family,

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Speaker 3: which was a year when finances were tut and money

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Speaker 3: can make you get into fight or flight, and my

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Speaker 3: kids were in a private school, and I'll never forget.

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Speaker 3: I know exactly where I was. I was sitting in

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Speaker 3: my car in a particular school parking lot. We had

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Speaker 3: a little bit of time before something. I opened my

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Speaker 3: child's report card and I just saw red and I said,

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Speaker 3: for what we are paying for your education, this is

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Speaker 3: not good enough. And I let the financial pressure come

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Speaker 3: out in an outburst that was inappropriate. It was not

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Speaker 3: my child's fault that we chose private schools. He was

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Speaker 3: doing the best he could, and I let I let

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Speaker 3: the finances cloud my judgment in terms of how well

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Speaker 3: or how badly he was doing. And I remember just

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Speaker 3: wanting to take that back, and I couldn't. I'd said it,

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Speaker 3: and we had to work with what I had said

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Speaker 3: then and put it into context. You know, that night

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Speaker 3: once I had actually calmed down, and it's quite unlikely

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Speaker 3: to lose it, but that was a real moment of

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Speaker 3: amigdala hijack.

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Speaker 1: And we don't want our children to.

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Speaker 3: Land up in positions where they had these irrational outbursts

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Speaker 3: in front of their friends, in front of their teachers,

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Speaker 3: do things, do stupid things that they could then get

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Speaker 3: into trouble for.

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Speaker 2: And so is this part of you know, often we

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Speaker 2: hear about the importance of self soothing, not just for adults,

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Speaker 2: because I think many of us do struggle with self

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Speaker 2: soothing and you only need to drive.

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Speaker 1: Somewhere to see it.

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Speaker 2: But is this way we would be talking about how

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Speaker 2: we help kids manage very big emotions, like the feeling

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Speaker 2: of stress, like the feeling of panic or you know, anxiety,

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Speaker 2: which can then create this fight or flight response. We

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Speaker 2: teach kids how to manage it because they'll feel that

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Speaker 2: way many times in their lives. But like you say,

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Speaker 2: it can't always end up, or it shouldn't ideally end

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Speaker 2: in an outburst or something irrational or like erratic behavior.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, so let's have a look at how we

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Speaker 3: can diffuse the situation, bring the energy down. And often

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Speaker 3: with pair parents, you hear when you go to parenting talks.

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Speaker 3: You know, if something stressing you out with your child,

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Speaker 3: walk away, count to ten, count backwards from ten to zero,

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Speaker 3: take a breath, and then talk to your child in

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Speaker 3: a calm manner.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes what we have to do is ask ourselves a

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Speaker 1: few questions.

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Speaker 3: And these are the five seemingly simple questions that we

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Speaker 3: need to learn as adults, and we need to teach

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Speaker 3: our children, and this is to regain some perspective, create

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Speaker 3: some space between the trigger and our response, and take

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Speaker 3: back control. Okay, so what these five questions are?

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Speaker 1: They really sound very simple.

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Speaker 3: So I want our listeners to think about themselves as

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Speaker 3: I asked these questions. And I was dealing with a

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Speaker 3: client the other day in my coaching practice where we

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Speaker 3: were going through this because he's had a tough time,

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Speaker 3: tough time with some other shareholders in his business, and

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Speaker 3: he's being reacted, not responsive. So it's to step back

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Speaker 3: and say, number one, how am I feeling? And this

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Speaker 3: is where giving yourself and teaching your children to have

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Speaker 3: a rich bank of emotional vocabulary is very very helpful.

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Speaker 3: And so I'd urge our listeners to just go and

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Speaker 3: google a feelings whell or an emotion's will and that'll

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Speaker 3: give you about one hundred different labels for different feelings.

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Speaker 3: And people who have outbursts often don't have a broad

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Speaker 3: emotional vocabulary. So ask yourself, how am I feeling? And

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Speaker 3: I'm just going to throw out some words here. I'm

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Speaker 3: feeling irritated, fearful, I'm feeling trapped, I'm feeling indecisive, disempowered,

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Speaker 3: out of control. There's loads and loads of ways to

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Speaker 3: label how you might be feeling. The second question is

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Speaker 3: what am I thinking.

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Speaker 1: That's a very different question to how am I feeling?

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Speaker 3: What am I thinking could be I'm doubting my decisions.

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Speaker 3: I feel like a fool, I've been stupid. You know,

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Speaker 3: what are you thinking about yourself? Maybe you feel oh,

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Speaker 3: you think you've been taken for a ride. Maybe you

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Speaker 3: think you're not good enough, maybe you think you're not popular.

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Speaker 3: And then you ask yourself a question. In this situation

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Speaker 3: that I'm facing right now, what do I want? What

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Speaker 3: do I want this outcome to be? In many instances,

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Speaker 3: people want fairness because unfairness or being treated from your

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Speaker 3: perspective unfairly, can push buttons like really properly. I want

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Speaker 3: to feel calm, I want to be able to sleep.

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Speaker 3: I want peace of mind. I want to experience excitement.

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Speaker 3: I want to feel a sense of belonging. So to

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Speaker 3: label what it is that you want? And then here's

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Speaker 3: a very interesting question, googs, how am I getting in

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Speaker 3: my own way? Because whatever situation you find yourself in,

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Speaker 3: you always have a role to play, and you always

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Speaker 3: have a responsibility. Even in the worst of situations, we

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Speaker 3: carry some responsibility for where we find ourselves. And two

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Speaker 3: things come up for me, and the one is anger

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Speaker 3: and the other one is worry. Now here's an interesting

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Speaker 3: thing something to teach your kids and yourself that anger

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Speaker 3: is usually at the past, is about or fear, and

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Speaker 3: worry is about the future. Now, if we take a

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Speaker 3: current situation and we say, you know, how am I

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Speaker 3: getting in my own way, and we look at the past,

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Speaker 3: usually we've participated in in how we've got to hear?

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Speaker 3: So what did I do that could have triggered this situation?

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Speaker 3: How can I change that? As opposed to all fingers

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Speaker 3: pointing outwards and.

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Speaker 1: Naming and blaming and shaming everybody else.

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Speaker 3: In the world for how we feel right now, it's

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Speaker 3: very empowering to take back control, to take back your power,

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Speaker 3: to own your role in how you've got to hear.

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Speaker 3: And even with adults, if you interrogate the anger, it

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Speaker 3: always goes back to the past, what happened to them

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Speaker 3: and their role in what happened to them. And then

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Speaker 3: with children it's the same and children often worry about

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Speaker 3: the future. You know there's something going down in your

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Speaker 3: relationship moment between mom and dad, they're worrying about the future,

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Speaker 3: what's going to happen to me in the future, And

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Speaker 3: very often those outbursts are based on what they're imagining

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Speaker 3: about the future. And then the final question is what

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Speaker 3: do I need to do in this situation of feeling

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Speaker 3: like this amygdala hijack, this fight flight FLEA response is

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Speaker 3: we need to make some clear decisions. So if you're

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Speaker 3: owning the role that you're playing in it, you can

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Speaker 3: decide what you're going to do about it. Perhaps you

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Speaker 3: need to get some better advice. Perhaps we need to

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Speaker 3: listen to our intuition and gut feel and sometimes googs,

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Speaker 3: we have to do nothing, and that's quite an interesting

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Speaker 3: space to be in, to actually just do nothing and

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Speaker 3: let it blow over. So there are moments when we

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Speaker 3: need to take responsibility change the way we're doing things.

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Speaker 3: There are moments where if you've asked these questions and

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Speaker 3: you say, well, what if I did nothing, what would happen?

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Speaker 3: And a positive outcome comes through from doing nothing, we'll

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Speaker 3: do nothing. So those are my five simple questions that

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Speaker 3: I think we need to consider.

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Speaker 2: Just a question, Nikki, when we speak about you know,

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Speaker 2: this flight, flight freeze or fawn. When we're in stressful situations,

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Speaker 2: could the way in which very young children who don't

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Speaker 2: have the vote have yet so most famously toddlers are

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Speaker 2: known to tantrum. Can tantrums be a stress response? And

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Speaker 2: so the tools you've just given us, would they then

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Speaker 2: be useful for parents attempting to navigate that melt down,

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Speaker 2: you know in the grocery store.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So obviously with a toddler who doesn't doesn't have the words,

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Speaker 3: we need to give them the words. So we need

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Speaker 3: to be reflecting on what's happening and saying things like

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Speaker 3: so if we're a sports carston, if we were literally

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Speaker 3: being the commentator on a rugby match or commentator on

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Speaker 3: a tennis match, you know, they comment on what they

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Speaker 3: see happening in front of them, and so we as

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Speaker 3: parents can be commentators when we are watching our younger

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Speaker 3: children melt down and we need to give them We

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Speaker 3: need to reflect back at them. I can see you

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Speaker 3: very sad, I can see you crying, I can see

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Speaker 3: you're upset, or I can see that you are very angry.

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Speaker 3: Right now, you are stumping your feet and you are

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Speaker 3: gritting your teeth and you are shouting and screaming because

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Speaker 3: you feel very angry, you feel very upset, You're feeling

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Speaker 3: very hurt. You feel that things are unfair because your

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Speaker 3: friend took your toy from you. You feel it's very

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Speaker 3: unfair because your brother or your sister who's older than you,

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Speaker 3: is allowed to watch this television program and you are

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Speaker 3: not because your brain is not ready yet to watch

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Speaker 3: that television program. So you and I are going to

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Speaker 3: go and we're going to lie in bed and read

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Speaker 3: a story together, because we have to resolve the situation.

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Speaker 1: With a younger child.

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Speaker 3: We have to help them resolve it because they don't

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Speaker 3: know how to resolve it themselves. In many instances, with

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Speaker 3: a toddler who doesn't have the words, distraction from what

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Speaker 3: is causing them the pain is often a very good idea,

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Speaker 3: which is why we take our children out of the restaurant,

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Speaker 3: we take them out of the shopping center, We take

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Speaker 3: them somewhere else so where we can take a breath,

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Speaker 3: where we can have the conversation, where we can hold

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Speaker 3: them tight, where we can let them kick and scream

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Speaker 3: and let them get to the end of the emotion.

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Speaker 2: And so if our parents are looking for some resources,

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Speaker 2: a bit of information on how to tame the fight

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Speaker 2: or flight response, I guess not just for their kids,

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Speaker 2: but with them as well. Where can we go?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so go to Nickybush dot com and go and

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Speaker 3: see what I've written there about EQ and tantrums and

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Speaker 3: how to deal with these things. And then also just

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Speaker 3: remember what I said, a migdala hijack. Just go and

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Speaker 3: google a migdala hijack because there's a lot of information

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Speaker 3: out there. And I really think that as parents, if

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Speaker 3: you can read up on this information and see how

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Speaker 3: it makes you feel, how your brain works in these situations,

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Speaker 3: it's going to be really helpful in translating this for

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Speaker 3: your children. So remember, we are you know, we're expecting

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Speaker 3: our children to respond more adult like, but how are

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Speaker 3: you responding? Because you are a role model and a

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Speaker 3: mirror for your children.

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Speaker 2: Nikki, always a great pleasure having you on the show.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for your time.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, girgs, have a great day. Thank you very much.

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Speaker 2: That is our resident parenting and human Potential expert, Nikki

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Speaker 2: Bush