1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:06,239
Speaker 1: Seven oh two Weekend Breakfast and Parenting with Niki Bush.

2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,160
Speaker 2: It's thirteen minutes after eight o'clock. It is a Saturday morning,

3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,639
Speaker 2: so time for us to talk parenting, and this week

4
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:15,320
Speaker 2: we are talking about helicopter parenting and asking the question

5
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:19,640
Speaker 2: are you over parenting your child? And if you are,

6
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:22,800
Speaker 2: when did you realize that you were a helicopter parent?

7
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,239
Speaker 2: What was the thing that made it click for you

8
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:29,160
Speaker 2: that you were potentially just doing a little bit too much.

9
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:32,519
Speaker 2: What did you notice in your child's behavior, or their development,

10
00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,960
Speaker 2: or what you were doing that gave you the sense

11
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,479
Speaker 2: that you were a helicopter parent. Maybe you were raised

12
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,520
Speaker 2: by a helicopter parents. We drove to hear that experience

13
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,080
Speaker 2: in double one, eight three or seven oh two. Send

14
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,919
Speaker 2: us your SMSA is on three on seven oh ten,

15
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,760
Speaker 2: you WhatsApps on seven two, seven oh two one seven

16
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,559
Speaker 2: oh two. Joining us in the studio this morning our

17
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:55,760
Speaker 2: resident human potential and parenting expert Nikki Bush. Nikki, good morning,

18
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,160
Speaker 2: what a treat to have you in studio this morning.

19
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,480
Speaker 3: It's wonderful to be here.

20
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, So we are talking about the cost of doing

21
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,839
Speaker 2: too much for our kids. Of course, you know, parents

22
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,640
Speaker 2: want the best for their kids. Parents. You know, some

23
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:13,320
Speaker 2: parents will say they'll do anything for their children, and

24
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,440
Speaker 2: so the idea that you can do too much for

25
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:20,440
Speaker 2: your kids almost seems like a contradiction. That as a parent,

26
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,600
Speaker 2: you're their primary cakeer where they rely on you. How

27
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,440
Speaker 2: is it that you can do too much for your kids?

28
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,319
Speaker 2: So when we talk about helicopter parenting, what do we mean?

29
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,000
Speaker 3: So when we try and catch and carry our children

30
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,080
Speaker 3: around every turn and bend, we take away the struggle.

31
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,919
Speaker 3: And struggle is an important part of child development because

32
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,520
Speaker 3: no real development happens without a struggle. In fact, the

33
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,680
Speaker 3: only time in our children's lives when there is no

34
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,800
Speaker 3: struggle is when they're in the whim right the minute

35
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,480
Speaker 3: they are born. They struggle against gravity, they struggle to

36
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,000
Speaker 3: fit in, they struggle to learn things. When I say struggle,

37
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:05,120
Speaker 3: resistance is really the word. So children need resistance. Sodio adults,

38
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:09,639
Speaker 3: we don't become bigger and better versions of ourselves without

39
00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:15,000
Speaker 3: pushing through something or up against something, either a physical

40
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:19,000
Speaker 3: boundary or a perceived mental or emotional boundary. And we

41
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,079
Speaker 3: have to do the work. And it's no different for

42
00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,720
Speaker 3: our children. And the only way that they learn stuff

43
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 3: is to break through those boundaries to discover they can.

44
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:33,680
Speaker 3: We want children to believe I am, I can, I will,

45
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:37,440
Speaker 3: And if their only belief is my mom or my

46
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:42,200
Speaker 3: dad thinks I can, that's not good enough. We need

47
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,240
Speaker 3: them to intrinsically come to a place where they believe

48
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:51,280
Speaker 3: that they can. And I was just scrolling through LinkedIn

49
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:56,280
Speaker 3: the other day and this post popped up by Jinginglu

50
00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,520
Speaker 3: and it was entitled the most Capable Mothers and produce

51
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,560
Speaker 3: the most helpless Sons, And it just caught my eye,

52
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,840
Speaker 3: and I thought, we have to discuss this because she

53
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,920
Speaker 3: writes beautifully. And she said, my son asked me to

54
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,600
Speaker 3: tie his shoes this morning. He's seven, and he knows

55
00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:20,640
Speaker 3: how I did it. Anyway faster that way. Then I

56
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,799
Speaker 3: caught myself that I've been raising a boy who doesn't

57
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,600
Speaker 3: need to do anything because I've already done it. The

58
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:31,880
Speaker 3: most capable mothers often produce the most helpless sons because

59
00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:36,640
Speaker 3: we love them too much to watch them struggle. And

60
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,560
Speaker 3: it is such a trap that we fall into. Also

61
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,840
Speaker 3: because we're busy, right so we can be we can

62
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,080
Speaker 3: do things far more efficiently and effectively than our children

63
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,080
Speaker 3: can because we've got more life experience. We've been there,

64
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,520
Speaker 3: done that, got the T shirt.

65
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,240
Speaker 2: You can tie sho laces in a matter of seconds.

66
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,280
Speaker 3: Exactly where they've got to do bunny ear loops and

67
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,480
Speaker 3: take the little it around and put the lace down

68
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,680
Speaker 3: the hole. Okay, but what they're doing when they're actually

69
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,960
Speaker 3: following the process you've taught them, is they're reinforcing that

70
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,040
Speaker 3: neurological pathway every single time until eventually it's going to

71
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:19,240
Speaker 3: become automatic. Yes, it's going to be frustrating for a while.

72
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,320
Speaker 3: Yes we are going to want to step in, but

73
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:27,279
Speaker 3: we have to give our children the space in which

74
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,120
Speaker 3: to learn and grow and develop. And as she says

75
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:35,200
Speaker 3: in this post, the struggle is the point. And every

76
00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:38,880
Speaker 3: time we rescue our children from the struggle, we steal

77
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,600
Speaker 3: the chance to become more capable. And I think that's

78
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:48,800
Speaker 3: a really important point. We want our children to grow

79
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:54,000
Speaker 3: up being capable, being resourceful, being resilient, so that one

80
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,599
Speaker 3: day they can actually leave us, believe it or not.

81
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,640
Speaker 3: That is the goal of parenting, is to let our

82
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:05,159
Speaker 3: children go. And when our children are young, especially as women,

83
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,719
Speaker 3: as mothers, we have this umbilical connection, this card to

84
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,840
Speaker 3: our solar plexus that is so strong. We can't even

85
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,360
Speaker 3: conceive that one day our children will be out in

86
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,400
Speaker 3: the big wide world without us. But that is the

87
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,120
Speaker 3: world we're preparing them for, and that is our mandate

88
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
Speaker 3: to let them go. And I think that as parents,

89
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,679
Speaker 3: we must always keep that in mind as our north star,

90
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,160
Speaker 3: as our compass, because if we don't, we are we

91
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,919
Speaker 3: are hamstringing our children. We are we are cobbling them

92
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,719
Speaker 3: and they can't leave. And I love this because she says,

93
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:48,240
Speaker 3: the more I do, the less he has to do.

94
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:54,080
Speaker 3: The faster I move, the slower he develops. The better

95
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:59,200
Speaker 3: I am at everything, the worse he gets at anything.

96
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:04,640
Speaker 3: And this is just a beautiful line. My capability is

97
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,560
Speaker 3: his disability.

98
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:11,360
Speaker 2: Right, So you take the opportunity for your child to

99
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,800
Speaker 2: learn different skills. So it sounds as if you know

100
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:16,760
Speaker 2: it's big and small things. You often talk about, how

101
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,160
Speaker 2: you know. One of the things educators are saying they

102
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,640
Speaker 2: are seeing is children unable to do basic things pack

103
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,479
Speaker 2: their own staff, carry their own bag because someone does

104
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,640
Speaker 2: it for them. And so as a result, they kind

105
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:32,400
Speaker 2: of skip that development, whether it's like a fine motor

106
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:36,679
Speaker 2: skill or cognitive development milestone kids.

107
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:40,719
Speaker 3: Or life skills. I would say more than anything. Here

108
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:45,120
Speaker 3: we're talking about tying shoelacers, feeding yourself, knowing when to

109
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,000
Speaker 3: go to the toilet. See, children get so used to

110
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,800
Speaker 3: someone telling them what to do that they can't think

111
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,960
Speaker 3: for themselves, and that lack of initiative is the thing

112
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,640
Speaker 3: we're really starting to see in the classroom and on

113
00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:01,160
Speaker 3: the sports field is you know, children who just lack initiative,

114
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,200
Speaker 3: don't know how to entertain themselves, don't know how to

115
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,480
Speaker 3: self regulate. This is all part of being a human

116
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:12,760
Speaker 3: being in this world is responding to our environment, taking

117
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:17,520
Speaker 3: clues from our environment, knowing what to do next, knowing

118
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,360
Speaker 3: what's involved in You know, if you're going to participate

119
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,160
Speaker 3: in a sport that you do have to have certain

120
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,800
Speaker 3: bits of equipment and certain articles of clothing and learning

121
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:31,160
Speaker 3: the ropes so that you can have agency and take responsibility. Now,

122
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,160
Speaker 3: it was quite interesting this week because I ran a

123
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:38,960
Speaker 3: corporate team workshop for a group of fourteen people and

124
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,320
Speaker 3: the CEO was saying to me, he gives he wants

125
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,800
Speaker 3: his people to come to the table and use their

126
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,880
Speaker 3: voice and their agency, but they're always looking to him

127
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,440
Speaker 3: for a decision and for approval. Same thing in families,

128
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,760
Speaker 3: and we need to raise our kids up to know

129
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:59,480
Speaker 3: they have a voice, they have choice, they have agency,

130
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:04,120
Speaker 3: but that comes with accountability. So that's the missing piece.

131
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:09,240
Speaker 3: Often everyone wants a voice, but that does come with

132
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,800
Speaker 3: responsibility and accountability. We have to own the space. We

133
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,760
Speaker 3: have to own the responsibility. We have to own our

134
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,960
Speaker 3: actions and our choices. And that's what we want to

135
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,840
Speaker 3: do when our children are young, is teach them to

136
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:27,400
Speaker 3: take responsibility for their stuff, for what they do, for

137
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,840
Speaker 3: their homework, all those things. It's a process. It's not

138
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:34,040
Speaker 3: going to happen overnight. And we're the cheerleaders, we are

139
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,439
Speaker 3: the coaches. I think the other thing that she mentions,

140
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:40,760
Speaker 3: which is an angle, I think we haven't discussed. And

141
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:46,080
Speaker 3: she's coming to this point from being a business woman,

142
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,080
Speaker 3: and she says, here's where it gets worse for women

143
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,040
Speaker 3: like us. Now we don't have to say women, you

144
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,920
Speaker 3: know only it could be men as well. But she's

145
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,440
Speaker 3: coming from a business woman's point to where she says,

146
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:06,200
Speaker 3: at work, we're used to solving problems fast, and children

147
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:10,040
Speaker 3: don't have the same the same timeline as us. She says,

148
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,920
Speaker 3: efficiency and speed is in my DNA and she as

149
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,400
Speaker 3: she's writing, I can see myself nobody does it better

150
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,760
Speaker 3: than me. And that's how I got to this position

151
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:23,240
Speaker 3: at work now, now, isn't that's we want to feel

152
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,600
Speaker 3: like that? But she says, so I come home with

153
00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:31,920
Speaker 3: the same operating system. See the problem, fix the problem next.

154
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,960
Speaker 3: And as mothers, we often sit around and we say,

155
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,160
Speaker 3: it's so funny whether your children are ten or whether

156
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:43,040
Speaker 3: they are twenty five or thirty. In the workplace and

157
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,160
Speaker 3: they come to chat to you about something, You've got

158
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:49,080
Speaker 3: five solutions immediately, you have five ten solutions in your head.

159
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,960
Speaker 3: But we have to bite our tongue and see if

160
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,240
Speaker 3: they come up with their own solution first. And so

161
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,560
Speaker 3: she you know, when she says, so I come home

162
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,760
Speaker 3: with the same operating system. See see problem, fixed problem next.

163
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,760
Speaker 3: Then she says, but parenting isn't a project to optimize,

164
00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:08,840
Speaker 3: and the children aren't a task to compete. Right. I

165
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,680
Speaker 3: just love the way she's worded this because she's really

166
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:17,439
Speaker 3: really captured the essence of children are not automatons. They

167
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,280
Speaker 3: are real, live human beings, and we have to raise

168
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,880
Speaker 3: them up to do this work for themselves. We can't

169
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:27,520
Speaker 3: always be doing it for them. So she says, when

170
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,560
Speaker 3: I bring my border and brain into bedtime. I don't

171
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,120
Speaker 3: raise a capable child, I raise a dependent one, and

172
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,840
Speaker 3: I become the most competent person in the room and

173
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,320
Speaker 3: also the most exhausted. Yeah, isn't that lovely?

174
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,199
Speaker 2: That is I just want to pause there because we're

175
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,360
Speaker 2: Rihann on the line. Rihann is on the line to

176
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,920
Speaker 2: us from Fairland. Rihann, thank you so much for holding

177
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:48,679
Speaker 2: Good morning.

178
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,560
Speaker 1: Good morning, big fan, Nikith, so thank you for for

179
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,880
Speaker 1: being able to talk to you. I will get a

180
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,839
Speaker 1: quick quick question on something you said about five or

181
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,720
Speaker 1: so minutes ago. You mentioned the bond between mother and son,

182
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:03,440
Speaker 1: as if parenting is limited to that. I know it's not,

183
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:09,400
Speaker 1: but is there a difference between over dependent sons and

184
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:14,880
Speaker 1: more hovering mothers over sons with mothers and daughters or

185
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,400
Speaker 1: fathers and sons and fathers and daughters. You just threw

186
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,840
Speaker 1: that correlation, and I find it very interesting because that's

187
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,240
Speaker 1: what I see in my group of friends as well.

188
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:29,599
Speaker 1: There's a stronger bond and a stronger over parenting with

189
00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,520
Speaker 1: the boys that need to kind of leave the nest.

190
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,840
Speaker 1: But maybe just just elaborate on that.

191
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:40,840
Speaker 3: Thanks Rhann, and lovely to chat to you. It's in

192
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,599
Speaker 3: the context of what we're talking about today. This particular

193
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,800
Speaker 3: post that I picked up was about a mother and

194
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:49,560
Speaker 3: a son. But this does work both ways, mothers and sons,

195
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,920
Speaker 3: fathers and daughters. And one day your children will marry

196
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:59,000
Speaker 3: someone else, and we just don't want our children. And

197
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:03,640
Speaker 3: this does happen more with boys than girls. We don't

198
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:07,000
Speaker 3: want to pass a child onto a woman, a boy

199
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:12,680
Speaker 3: child onto a woman. And interestingly, where this particular post

200
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,440
Speaker 3: goes to, she says, and one day he'll marry someone,

201
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,040
Speaker 3: and she'll wonder why he waits to be told, why

202
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,360
Speaker 3: he needs her to be his mother. They often joke

203
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:27,360
Speaker 3: about Italian men being passed from mother to wife and

204
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,680
Speaker 3: they don't grow up in between. But whether it's a

205
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:35,240
Speaker 3: daughter or whether it's a son, we want independent, resourceful,

206
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:44,160
Speaker 3: resilient children who can live in healthy interdependence with other people. So,

207
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,520
Speaker 3: while we want our children to become independent of us

208
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,800
Speaker 3: so that they can leave the nest wherever they go

209
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:56,480
Speaker 3: in work or in their personal lives, it's going to

210
00:12:56,559 --> 00:13:00,960
Speaker 3: involve being in a team, being in a partnership, and

211
00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:05,559
Speaker 3: so learning how to be interdependent in a healthy way

212
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,480
Speaker 3: is the prize, so that you don't take it all

213
00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:12,720
Speaker 3: on in a relationship. But it's a given a take.

214
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,280
Speaker 3: Wherever we are, it's a given a take. So I

215
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,640
Speaker 3: think you raise a great point. Wehon and in both

216
00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:26,239
Speaker 3: situations we mustn't hover. Our children are actually more resilient

217
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,280
Speaker 3: than we think, and we will forever be bonded to

218
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,960
Speaker 3: our children. I always say, once a parent, always a parent.

219
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,440
Speaker 3: You know, you know when stuff's up with your children,

220
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,360
Speaker 3: whether they're five point fifteen, twenty five or thirty five,

221
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,000
Speaker 3: you know, you just get it. And that goes for

222
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:49,960
Speaker 3: fathers as well as mothers. And actually, in this age

223
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,720
Speaker 3: that we're living in, fathers are far more connected to

224
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,680
Speaker 3: their children than fathers ever, were far more involved in

225
00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:01,199
Speaker 3: raising their children than fathers ever were in previous generations.

226
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,160
Speaker 3: And I think that's a fantastic thing.

227
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, And so when we think about I guess, you know,

228
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,960
Speaker 2: the delicate balance, because of course parents want to be there.

229
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,760
Speaker 2: Like you say, we're seeing greater involvement of fathers. Even

230
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:17,200
Speaker 2: around the world, laws are changing to give praternity, which

231
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:21,320
Speaker 2: before was only for the mothers. How do you, I guess,

232
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,880
Speaker 2: strike the delicate balance? Or when do you know you're bringing,

233
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:29,040
Speaker 2: for instance, the boardroom to bedtime or you are hovering,

234
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:32,720
Speaker 2: and you won't allow your kids to struggle and take

235
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:36,520
Speaker 2: because sometimes that struggle could be I struggled with Matts

236
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,880
Speaker 2: throughout high school, right, the struggle.

237
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,040
Speaker 3: Can be me too, can be for four, you.

238
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,320
Speaker 2: Know, three years, five years or whatever it is, right,

239
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,720
Speaker 2: And so how do you know you're doing that where

240
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,840
Speaker 2: you're not allowing your kids to struggle a little bit

241
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,640
Speaker 2: and figure it out ultimately.

242
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,280
Speaker 3: I'll give you an example. So when my youngest son

243
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,760
Speaker 3: was nine years old doing his first real test I

244
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:03,880
Speaker 3: think think it was an English test on Afrikaans test,

245
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,320
Speaker 3: can't remember, but he had to properly study for the

246
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:12,160
Speaker 3: first time. It wasn't just ten words of spelling. And

247
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,560
Speaker 3: he sat there at the kitchen table and he went, mmmm,

248
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:18,120
Speaker 3: this is so hard, and he got grumpy, this is

249
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,200
Speaker 3: so difficult. I'm so tired. And eventually and I was

250
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,320
Speaker 3: sitting with him at the kitchen table helping him, and

251
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:29,440
Speaker 3: he was like done, and I'm getting into helicopter mode,

252
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,320
Speaker 3: going but you've got a test tomorrow and you need

253
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,200
Speaker 3: to study. And and eventually he was on the couch,

254
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,000
Speaker 3: got off the barstool, got on the couch and was

255
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,200
Speaker 3: like lying there and Dad walked in the front door,

256
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,960
Speaker 3: and I kind of looked at my husband and said,

257
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:50,960
Speaker 3: he's yours. He doesn't want to study. I'm done, he's yours.

258
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,200
Speaker 3: My husband taught me the best parenting lesson that day,

259
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,040
Speaker 3: sat down next to Matthew on the couch. He took

260
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:04,400
Speaker 3: Matthew's book, he opened it, he closed it. He looked

261
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,560
Speaker 3: at Matthew and he said, it's not my test. Go

262
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:11,840
Speaker 3: to bed. Matthew came home with about sixty five percent. Okay,

263
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,280
Speaker 3: that's okay, but he was capable of more, way more.

264
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,360
Speaker 3: We never said another thing about it. The next test,

265
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:26,600
Speaker 3: he applied himself, came home with eighty six percent, and

266
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,960
Speaker 3: when his dad asked him at the dinner table what

267
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:34,200
Speaker 3: had happened, he said, my attitude determines my altitude. And

268
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,680
Speaker 3: it was just letting him, giving him a little bit

269
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:40,880
Speaker 3: of rope, not quite to hang himself, but to feel

270
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:44,160
Speaker 3: the pain of getting a mark he didn't like. And

271
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,880
Speaker 3: sometimes we need to give our children those opportunities to

272
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,280
Speaker 3: just feel a little pain and struggle every now and again,

273
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,800
Speaker 3: to know that they have to apply themselves. That's just

274
00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,840
Speaker 3: one very practical example, and the you know, we don't

275
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,080
Speaker 3: want our children to hurt themselves. We don't want them

276
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,960
Speaker 3: to be scarred for life, but our kids are more

277
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,199
Speaker 3: resilient than we think, and letting them to feel some

278
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:11,240
Speaker 3: of the consequences of their choices and actions is sometimes

279
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:11,760
Speaker 3: a good thing.

280
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,600
Speaker 2: The thing we've spoken about as well is the importance

281
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:18,720
Speaker 2: of parents allowing their kids to be bored. Parents kind

282
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,439
Speaker 2: of feeling very responsible for their children's entertainment and so

283
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:25,680
Speaker 2: their iPads, they are toys, their play dates. There's an

284
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,639
Speaker 2: attempt to fill I guess every moment. That also feels

285
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,000
Speaker 2: like a kind of helicopter parenting where I know I

286
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,840
Speaker 2: spent you know, my days were pretty unstructured as a child.

287
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,080
Speaker 2: We'd go play outside and you know, but I think

288
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:42,040
Speaker 2: there is this like guilt or anxiety where parents feel

289
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:45,480
Speaker 2: as if they must entertain their kids. Is that a

290
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,920
Speaker 2: kind of helicopter parenting.

291
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,080
Speaker 3: I would say it's less helicopter parenting, and it's more

292
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,360
Speaker 3: packing so much into our children's days to give them

293
00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:01,720
Speaker 3: the maximum opportunity to experience so many different things that

294
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:06,000
Speaker 3: we overdo it, and children can't cope with three million

295
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,719
Speaker 3: and one different activities, and they do need time to

296
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,399
Speaker 3: pause and slow down so that they can process everything.

297
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,639
Speaker 3: They've learned and experienced, so boredom is important. Having time

298
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:21,560
Speaker 3: to potter and ponder is really important. That's when their

299
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:25,560
Speaker 3: brains connect the dots. That's when they become creative. So

300
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:28,960
Speaker 3: beware of packing too much into your children's days. But

301
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:33,480
Speaker 3: the other default setting is because I'm busy and I'm

302
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,360
Speaker 3: not there to be with my children, I'll just put

303
00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:38,320
Speaker 3: them in end to end activities. Then I don't have

304
00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:41,600
Speaker 3: to feel so guilty. It's often a guilt trap.

305
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,199
Speaker 2: Haha, and it does sound as though worth parenting. A

306
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,200
Speaker 2: lot of it is kind of managing your own emotions

307
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,800
Speaker 2: as well. I'm anxious about the test, I'm anxious about

308
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,360
Speaker 2: whatever it is, or because I'm anxious and I want

309
00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:57,679
Speaker 2: it to be quick because I have other things to

310
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:58,800
Speaker 2: do when YEA.

311
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,160
Speaker 3: Some of it is that it needs to be quick

312
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,080
Speaker 3: because I'm busy, right, And the other thing is that

313
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,080
Speaker 3: parents see their children's performance as a reflection on them,

314
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,400
Speaker 3: and you do not want to be embarrassed, so you'll

315
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,840
Speaker 3: do anything and everything to make sure your child does

316
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,760
Speaker 3: as well as they can. And there's some merit in that,

317
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:23,400
Speaker 3: but there's also a dark side to that, where if

318
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,760
Speaker 3: your child never ever experiences a little bit of pain

319
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,000
Speaker 3: and struggle and maybe not doing as well as they could.

320
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,280
Speaker 3: They'll never buy into their own success because then they're

321
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,800
Speaker 3: always going to be pushing success because it's your agenda,

322
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:41,280
Speaker 3: not theirs. Ultimately, we want our children to be intrinsically motivated,

323
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:47,479
Speaker 3: not extrinsically motivated, and shall we say managed.

324
00:19:47,359 --> 00:19:53,040
Speaker 2: Right, because your children are whole people. They're not a task,

325
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:58,639
Speaker 2: they're not a project. They are whole people becoming whoever

326
00:19:58,680 --> 00:19:59,439
Speaker 2: they're going to become.

327
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,960
Speaker 3: We also need to know that society is going to

328
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,400
Speaker 3: expect something of them. The family needs you to do.

329
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:10,680
Speaker 3: This is different to saying go and clean your room.

330
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,159
Speaker 3: So you're part of a team. As a family member,

331
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,360
Speaker 3: we all contribute. We all do stuff we don't want

332
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,800
Speaker 3: to do. We wash dishes, we pick up towels, we

333
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,520
Speaker 3: hang them up, We clean clothes, we feed the dog,

334
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 3: We do all that stuff because we're a team and

335
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:29,600
Speaker 3: that's all got to fit into the day as well.

336
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,080
Speaker 2: Nikki is always a great pleasure chatting to you. Thank

337
00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 2: you so much for your time. It's a pleasure and

338
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,399
Speaker 2: it's great to be back in studio. Good to see you.

339
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:41,080
Speaker 2: That's our residence. Human potential and parenting expert Nikki Boch.

340
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,639
Speaker 2: Coming up, we have a look at what's happening in

341
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,320
Speaker 2: seven and the two Land. We start at the iconic

342
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,720
Speaker 2: Ellis Park. There's going to be a Eyuxkate derby between

343
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 2: the Lions and the Balls, so we will speak to

344
00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:56,920
Speaker 2: the PR and marketing manager for Ellis Park. Yamis Sam

345
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,639
Speaker 2: is going to join us for our first happening in

346
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,640
Speaker 2: se To Land. But before all of that, it's twenty

347
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,040
Speaker 2: six minutes before nine o'clock. They're check in with you later.

348
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,119
Speaker 2: As I witnessed New Sport with underneath shader,