Speaker 1: So much.
Speaker 2: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges
Speaker 2: the traditional owners of the land. We have recorded this
Speaker 2: podcast on the Gadigul people of the Eora Nation. We
Speaker 2: pay our respects to their elders past and present and
Speaker 2: extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait islander cultures.
Speaker 3: Hello help, I have a teenager listeners. My name is
Speaker 3: Grace Rufray. I'm the producer of Mamma MIA's parenting podcast,
Speaker 3: This Glorious Mess. I'm dropping into your ears to let
Speaker 3: you know about a new podcast offering that we have
Speaker 3: just launched, and it's called Little Love Stories.
Speaker 1: Little Love Stories.
Speaker 3: Is an open hearted interview with someone who has some
Speaker 3: love to share, whether it's about a person, an object,
Speaker 3: or an event. Little Love Stories explores gratitude through written
Speaker 3: form first and then in the form of a love letter,
Speaker 3: and that letter becomes a heartfelt conversation. And there's such
Speaker 3: a wide range of stories that we have coming up.
Speaker 3: There's the poignant with a love letter to breast post
Speaker 3: mistectomy stories with heart writing to a mother who's no
Speaker 3: longer with us and pivoting a full one eighty two.
Speaker 3: Some silliness sharing a love letter to a therma mix
Speaker 3: for making parenting just that little bit easier. It shows
Speaker 3: that the world is full of so many little moments
Speaker 3: of love and magic, and it's just up to us
Speaker 3: to start noticing them. The very first episode of Little
Speaker 3: Love Stories, which you are about to hear, is from
Speaker 3: our This Glorious Mess host, Analise Todd. Analise is a
Speaker 3: single mother to two tween boys and it certainly hasn't
Speaker 3: been easy for her to transition to this new lifestyle.
Speaker 3: But she had a moment recently that gave her some
Speaker 3: hope and even a little bit of perspective. This is
Speaker 3: Little Love Stories by This Glorious Mess. I love you
Speaker 3: have you live with your From Mamma Mia and This
Speaker 3: Glorious Mess. Welcome to Little Love Stories. I'm Grace ru Ray,
Speaker 3: the producer of This Glorious Mess, and if my voice
Speaker 3: sounds familiar, you may have heard me on Mumma MEA's news.
Speaker 1: Podcast, The Quickie.
Speaker 3: As I've gotten older, I've enjoyed hearing stories about bravery.
Speaker 3: When we're young, bravery is really only marketed to us
Speaker 3: as physical strength or maybe standing up to the bad
Speaker 3: guy or the bully or these sensationalized Hollywood ideas of bravery.
Speaker 3: But with age and experience, I realized bravery comes in
Speaker 3: many forms and unexpected moments. Our story today is our
Speaker 3: very own host of this glorious mess. Annalise Todd, our
Speaker 3: wise cracking and open hearted writer, podcaster and single mum
Speaker 3: of two. There has been such a stigma for so
Speaker 3: many years about single mums. It's portrayed us as negative.
Speaker 4: I don't take this position lightly or responsibility lightly, to
Speaker 4: just normalize that this is what a family can look like.
Speaker 3: But Analie's Todd isn't just deep in the throes of parenting.
Speaker 3: She's been demonstrating strength to her two sons in some
Speaker 3: less obvious ways. Oh well, here's an opportunity that I
Speaker 3: can give this to my sons. Now, I can show
Speaker 3: them that women can be strong and brave and capable.
Speaker 3: So I was really drawn to today's little love story
Speaker 3: as it asked the question, how do you instill and
Speaker 3: teach respect to people children, even when you're still learning
Speaker 3: how to respect yourself.
Speaker 1: But first, here's.
Speaker 3: What a little bit of love sounds like today?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, what's the word excellent?
Speaker 4: Question?
Speaker 1: I want to get my answer right.
Speaker 3: Okay, what does love mean to you?
Speaker 1: Safety?
Speaker 4: Support, passion, support, adoration, comfort.
Speaker 2: Yeah, safety, intimacy and.
Speaker 3: Heart stressful. Interesting and I'm.
Speaker 2: Eating sexy, communicating.
Speaker 1: Dedication, compromise and trust.
Speaker 3: Warm, full and safe, Anlys, I've been looking forward to
Speaker 3: this conversation. Welcome to little love Stories. You have so
Speaker 3: many stories, but this one, it's a pretty important one
Speaker 3: for you right now.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4: I think it's important for me and I think I
Speaker 4: love sharing single parents stories and voices. You wanted to
Speaker 4: redefine what it is to be a single parent, or
Speaker 4: at least the perceived perception of what it is to
Speaker 4: be a single parent. What do you feel like those
Speaker 4: perceptions are. I mean, look at the fifties, they weren't
Speaker 4: even allowed out of the house. And I think there
Speaker 4: has been such a stigma for so many years about
Speaker 4: single mums.
Speaker 1: It's betrayed as negative.
Speaker 4: And I don't take this position lightly or responsibility lightly
Speaker 4: to just normalize that this is what a family can
Speaker 4: look like and it's okay, And it's actually not all
Speaker 4: doom and gloom, and it's far from it. Silver linings
Speaker 4: to any situation in life.
Speaker 1: So I'm just.
Speaker 4: Happy to share it and be here with your beautiful,
Speaker 4: soothing voice.
Speaker 3: So your little love story essay, it's full of vivid
Speaker 3: examples of your life as a single mum. It begins
Speaker 3: with you describing your unique commune life as you call it. Yes,
Speaker 3: I can confirm I have been to the commune. So
Speaker 3: you had a moment Analie where your perspective of being
Speaker 3: a single parent. I won't say it started to change immediately,
Speaker 3: but it opened up the possibility for change. Can you
Speaker 3: taught me through that trigger point what happened and how
Speaker 3: it started to evolve.
Speaker 1: I had a.
Speaker 4: Beautiful friend over who'd been a single mom for many,
Speaker 4: many years, and she also has two sons very similar
Speaker 4: ages to mine, and so I was very much sort
Speaker 4: of leaning in on her because, especially in those early times,
Speaker 4: you just lean in on other single parents because they
Speaker 4: just get it.
Speaker 1: It was like a.
Speaker 4: Friday night, we'd had a commune dinner, and of course
Speaker 4: I can never get the TV or internetworking in my house.
Speaker 4: It's just a permanent pain point, and we were try
Speaker 4: trying to set up the TV. It was just so frustrating,
Speaker 4: But obviously I was trying to hide in front of
Speaker 4: the kids and my girlfriend she was just so calm
Speaker 4: under pressure, and her little boy, I think he would
Speaker 4: have been gosh nine. He just said, my mum will
Speaker 4: figure it out. She can do anything, and she did
Speaker 4: figure it out. In that moment, I just saw this
Speaker 4: hope for a positive that can come out of the
Speaker 4: experience for children of divorce, because, of course, when you
Speaker 4: have kids, and especially if you separated, the first thing
Speaker 4: you think about is inflicting pain and trauma and how
Speaker 4: it's going to impact them and the blueprint of their life.
Speaker 4: But in that moment, I saw a positive from the
Speaker 4: child's perspective of how he viewed his mum, that faith,
Speaker 4: and how he viewed her as so strong and capable
Speaker 4: and brave, and I thought, oh, well, here's an opportunity
Speaker 4: that I can give this to my sons. Now I
Speaker 4: can show them that women can be wrong and brave
Speaker 4: and capable, and I can make them feel very connected
Speaker 4: with women, and that's hopefully going to set them up
Speaker 4: for relationships, whether it's romantic or any women in their lives.
Speaker 4: I felt like, great, they can have that connection and
Speaker 4: that respect to women.
Speaker 3: In another part of your essay, you talk about how
Speaker 3: you would never have chosen this life but then you
Speaker 3: go on to speak about how it's given you identity.
Speaker 3: Could you read that part out for us?
Speaker 4: Yes, nobody has kids thinking they will only see them
Speaker 4: half the time. It's incomprehensible, even nearly two years on.
Speaker 4: I miss them when I'm not with them. It goes
Speaker 4: against the very instinct we form from the moment they're
Speaker 4: planked on our chest to sniff their heads and kiss
Speaker 4: them good night every night. When I'm with them, there's
Speaker 4: a feeling of wholeness that I don't have when.
Speaker 1: They're not there.
Speaker 4: But I didn't get a choice, so I'm choosing to
Speaker 4: make the best of it, and I do like many
Speaker 4: things in life that test us, that breaks down the
Speaker 4: very fiber of our being. When we do manage to
Speaker 4: rebuild ourselves back together again, it can be the making
Speaker 4: of us. And I would go as far as saying
Speaker 4: that as a single mum, I am a more present,
Speaker 4: better parent than I was before. And for that, and
Speaker 4: for all the reasons above, I can only have gratitude
Speaker 4: for all the silver linings that brings.
Speaker 3: When you're reading parts of your article out, it kind
Speaker 3: of hit you in a different way.
Speaker 1: What did it bring up?
Speaker 3: And what are you feeling now.
Speaker 4: In order to function in fifty to fifty custody, you
Speaker 4: have to be able to compartmentalize. When I'm with my kids,
Speaker 4: I'm all in, But when I'm not with them, I
Speaker 4: have to be able to have a wall because it's
Speaker 4: just too painful. No one has kids thinking they'll only
Speaker 4: see them half the time.
Speaker 3: It's a grief And we know so much about these
Speaker 3: silver linings of your beautiful commune life, But can.
Speaker 1: You talk us through a few of those think.
Speaker 4: It's so important to caveat because I get a lot
Speaker 4: of feedback from single mums when I talk about my
Speaker 4: experience who don't get breaks, who have soul custody. I
Speaker 4: cannot speak to them and their experience because that would
Speaker 4: be the kind of relentless, exhausting experience that I can't
Speaker 4: even imagine, and most of us couldn't fathom doing that
Speaker 4: on your own.
Speaker 1: Twenty four seven.
Speaker 4: For those of us who do get breaks, it's kind
Speaker 4: of like a double life.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 4: When I'm in mum mode, I'm all in, But then
Speaker 4: when I don't have my kids, I get to be
Speaker 4: really selfish. For the first time in ten years, I
Speaker 4: was able to be selfish and I think that's such
Speaker 4: a foreign concept, particularly for mums, to be able to
Speaker 4: have the freedom and the luxury to be selfish. Well,
Speaker 4: let's dig into what you've found about yourself through having
Speaker 4: this time to rediscover who you are. What are the
Speaker 4: parts about your identity that you've discovered by being a
Speaker 4: single parent. I love not being someone's wife.
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 4: I love it, I absolutely love it, and I will
Speaker 4: never be someone's wife again. I just don't want that label.
Speaker 4: I was so young when I got married, and I
Speaker 4: feel like at forty, I finally can focus on me
Speaker 4: and my career and I've got the time and space
Speaker 4: to do that.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 4: I can go to the gym, I can go to
Speaker 4: the beach and read a book. This is when I
Speaker 4: don't have my kids, obviously, I go out a lot
Speaker 4: with friends, and I feel like I refound joy, you know,
Speaker 4: like that character and inside out too, the function of
Speaker 4: joy that takes over your brain. And I feel like
Speaker 4: she was lost and she was lost in the back
Speaker 4: brain for a long time and she's back and it's
Speaker 4: just I feel joy in life again. And how do
Speaker 4: you put that joy that you've found back into parenting?
Speaker 1: Do the two go hand in hand, they definitely do.
Speaker 4: And it goes back to having the breaks because I
Speaker 4: don't see them, so I get rested and I have
Speaker 4: that time and space to be selfish. So when I
Speaker 4: am with them, I'm just so grateful for all of
Speaker 4: the time that I have, and I just cherish every second.
Speaker 4: I don't take them for granted anymore. I truly believe
Speaker 4: I took them for granted. I used to be like
Speaker 4: ough parent burnout and I'm tired, and I just want
Speaker 4: to go out with my friends. Well now I would
Speaker 4: like to see them more and I can't. So when
Speaker 4: I'm with them, I just breathe them in, yes, creepily.
Speaker 4: When they're asleep, I'll just walk past and sniff their
Speaker 4: heads as will you do that with small children that
Speaker 4: aren't yours? I know I am a head sniffer. It's
Speaker 4: a beautiful smell. It's intoxicating.
Speaker 3: We've heard all about the duality of balancing roles as
Speaker 3: a single parent, but next up we hear the importance
Speaker 3: of reclaiming personal time and identity. Annalie's the final part
Speaker 3: of your essay talks about who you are, defining yourself
Speaker 3: as Now, could you read that out for us? I
Speaker 3: am good at filling my social calendar, but have also
Speaker 3: gotten good at being on my own, and I am
Speaker 3: proud of that. Being single and having half my time
Speaker 3: to myself, I got my identity back. But more than that,
Speaker 3: there's a strength and resilience ingrained in my new identity.
Speaker 3: When I am with my kids, I cherish every second
Speaker 3: I get with them. I have more patience and am
Speaker 3: just so appreciative of the time I do have with
Speaker 3: them that I used to take for granted. I've become
Speaker 3: a fun mum and I'm way more relaxed. I don't
Speaker 3: sweat the small stuff like ice cream for dinner.
Speaker 4: Sure, I mean sometimes picnick in front of the Telly
Speaker 4: watching Age Inappropriate Reality TV?
Speaker 1: Definitely. We love doing that.
Speaker 4: And we get to do activities together now that I
Speaker 4: enjoy doing with the kids, And even though I see
Speaker 4: them less, I don't feel like a spectator on the
Speaker 4: sidelines anymore.
Speaker 3: What age inappropriate Reality TV? Did you watch?
Speaker 4: The Real Housewives of Sydney is our favorite? Yes, that's
Speaker 4: probably our favorite. We just finished Young Sheldon. We've just
Speaker 4: started modern family.
Speaker 2: Like.
Speaker 4: We just have these little rituals and things that we
Speaker 4: do together. Now that all three of us just enjoy
Speaker 4: and just love so much.
Speaker 1: I can see it now.
Speaker 3: There's this beautiful spark and this energy as you're talking
Speaker 3: about it. So what is the most exciting part of
Speaker 3: this part of your journey and rediscovering yourself? I think
Speaker 3: the biggest misconception about a marriage ending is that your
Speaker 3: life ends when your marriage does. And one part of
Speaker 3: your life definitely ends, that's dead, but it's also this
Speaker 3: new opportunity for a new life and a new story,
Speaker 3: and you get to write that story. I'm just very
Speaker 3: excited about my current story and where it's going to
Speaker 3: go next. I'm just excited if someone is listening and
Speaker 3: they're a single parent and they're holding that sense of
Speaker 3: shame or failure that, as you've said, one part of
Speaker 3: their life is completely over. What do you want them
Speaker 3: to take away from this or what do you want
Speaker 3: them to start to work towards. I guess their thought
Speaker 3: process around how they see themselves and relationships.
Speaker 4: If anyone's early on in the journey, there's so many
Speaker 4: beautiful bits of advice I've been given. One of them
Speaker 4: is nothing as permanent. Everything's temporary, So no matter how
Speaker 4: bad it feels in that moment, it literally won't feel
Speaker 4: like that forever. And then the other beautiful piece of
Speaker 4: advice that someone gave me was, don't focus on the
Speaker 4: light at the end of the tunnel. Just look out
Speaker 4: for the glimmers while you're in it, and then at
Speaker 4: some stage you'll wake up and you'll realize that you're
Speaker 4: back in the light without even realizing it, and you're
Speaker 4: living and loving life, and the light's actually brighter than
Speaker 4: it was before.
Speaker 3: It really is similar to that beautiful grief metaphor. I
Speaker 3: don't know if you've seen it, where there's like a
Speaker 3: ball and over time people think the ball gets smaller,
Speaker 3: but it's actually the space around it that gets bigger.
Speaker 3: So that divorce or that separation could always be a
Speaker 3: pain point, but you're always going to find more space
Speaker 3: around it, and you're going to find space for the
Speaker 3: joy to come in or for new opportunities and new experiences.
Speaker 3: And it sounds like that's something that you've really found
Speaker 3: in your life over the past two years.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's just time. It just takes time and building new, beautiful,
Speaker 4: positive memories.
Speaker 3: We always end love stories with the question what qualities
Speaker 3: do you hold most dear about love now? And what's
Speaker 3: that for you, Annalise.
Speaker 1: To feel safe with love.
Speaker 4: It's light and it's joy, and there's a doctor Sue saying,
Speaker 4: which I love.
Speaker 1: We're all a little weird.
Speaker 4: And life's a little weird and when we find someone
Speaker 4: whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with
Speaker 4: them and fall in mutual weirdness and.
Speaker 1: Call it love. I love mutual weirdness.
Speaker 3: Mutual weirdness.
Speaker 1: That's our whole office, isn't it It is? That's why
Speaker 1: I love coming to work every day. We're all just
Speaker 1: being weird.
Speaker 3: Oh, Annalise, Thank you so much for sharing your little
Speaker 3: love story and having this conversation today. Annalise is very
Speaker 3: clever and you can hear her on this glorious mess
Speaker 3: every week, and her full little love story essay will
Speaker 3: be dropped in our episode show notes.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Thank you for having me, Gracey Grace.
Speaker 3: If you have a story you'd like to share with us,
Speaker 3: we'd love to hear it. We're always on the lookout
Speaker 3: for great stories and new perspectives. To submit your story,
Speaker 3: you can leave us a voice note or email us.
Speaker 3: All the details will be in our show notes. If
Speaker 3: you loved this podcast, you can listen to more of
Speaker 3: this glorious mess. There's a link in the show notes.