WEBVTT - Clare Stephens did everything to avoid a traumatic birth. Then she had one 0:00:21.773 --> 0:00:24.493 You're listening to a Muma Mia podcast. 0:00:25.212 --> 0:00:28.413 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters 0:00:28.453 --> 0:00:31.452 that this podcast is recorded on. We pay our respects 0:00:31.533 --> 0:00:35.092 to elders past, present and emerging, and feel privileged to 0:00:35.132 --> 0:00:38.253 continue the sharing of birth stories and knowledge that has 0:00:38.293 --> 0:00:40.892 been a fundamental part of Indigenous culture. 0:00:45.173 --> 0:00:48.653 Hi. I'm Cassnya Lukic and this is diary of a birth. 0:00:49.412 --> 0:00:52.452 Many of us go through life until we first fell pregnant, 0:00:52.613 --> 0:00:56.413 scared of childbirth. We want the baby, but we wish 0:00:56.413 --> 0:00:58.453 there was an easier way for them to come out. 0:00:59.013 --> 0:01:02.533 That's true of today's mum. Her story has all the 0:01:02.653 --> 0:01:03.693 twists and turns. 0:01:04.173 --> 0:01:07.493 And he went silent for a very long time and 0:01:07.533 --> 0:01:12.053 then made some noises that were like ooh h, which 0:01:12.092 --> 0:01:14.132 is not what you want to hear from the person. 0:01:14.173 --> 0:01:15.453 We they needle in your back. 0:01:15.973 --> 0:01:21.133 This mum went through an exhausting and sometimes terrifying experience. 0:01:21.893 --> 0:01:24.933 I couldn't interpret what he was saying. I thought, Oh 0:01:24.932 --> 0:01:28.653 my gosh, I'm the one in a million that is paralyzed. 0:01:28.773 --> 0:01:34.653 That's something horrible has happened here, and something irreversible, And 0:01:35.613 --> 0:01:39.933 how is it that that could happen to me? And 0:01:39.972 --> 0:01:41.973 my partner turned to me and said, like, just you know, 0:01:42.453 --> 0:01:44.133 you're allowed to think about it. And I turned to 0:01:44.212 --> 0:01:46.493 him and I said, my chainsaw to get the baby out. 0:01:46.532 --> 0:01:48.533 I would do that, but it was all worth it. 0:01:48.573 --> 0:01:50.972 By the time she had her beautiful baby in arms 0:01:51.413 --> 0:01:54.733 and spoiler alert, no chainsaws necessary. 0:01:54.573 --> 0:01:56.813 She had done a pooh on her way out, and 0:01:56.893 --> 0:02:00.173 I had vomited all over myself. I remember her looking 0:02:00.252 --> 0:02:02.412 up at me and looking into her eyes, and we've 0:02:02.453 --> 0:02:06.612 got the cutest little photos of those moments afterwards where 0:02:06.613 --> 0:02:09.093 we can tell. We always joke that she was looking 0:02:09.133 --> 0:02:11.293 at me being like, mum, was I the drama? And 0:02:11.293 --> 0:02:12.493 it's like, yes, you were the drama. 0:02:13.133 --> 0:02:15.933 So let's meet today's supermum. Hi. 0:02:16.093 --> 0:02:19.493 My name is Claire Stevens and this is the diary 0:02:19.613 --> 0:02:20.853 of my birth with Matila. 0:02:23.773 --> 0:02:28.213 So, before falling pregnant, Claire was quite career focused, rising 0:02:28.252 --> 0:02:30.693 through the ranks of Mamma Mia, and she'd been with 0:02:30.733 --> 0:02:32.732 her partner for over a decade. 0:02:33.572 --> 0:02:36.532 I was quite career focused. 0:02:37.252 --> 0:02:42.133 I had been with my partner for about twelve thirteen, 0:02:42.173 --> 0:02:45.293 fourteen years, a very long time since I was about eighteen. 0:02:45.852 --> 0:02:49.052 So we had always known that we wanted kids. And 0:02:49.373 --> 0:02:53.453 we were just kind of focused on career and establishing 0:02:53.453 --> 0:02:56.733 our lives, I guess. And then we got married and 0:02:56.933 --> 0:03:00.292 decided we wanted to start trying, and just a few 0:03:00.292 --> 0:03:01.292 months later we were pregnant. 0:03:01.373 --> 0:03:02.093 So very lucky. 0:03:02.972 --> 0:03:05.692 Claire's pregnancy presented some challenges. 0:03:06.333 --> 0:03:12.413 Pregnancy was pretty awful. I was not a lovely pregnant woman. 0:03:12.493 --> 0:03:16.012 It was very healthy. I am very, very grateful for 0:03:16.093 --> 0:03:19.692 how healthy it was. I was just anxious the whole 0:03:19.692 --> 0:03:23.493 time that something would go wrong. I'd had what my 0:03:23.532 --> 0:03:27.213 doctor thought was like a missed miscarriage the first month 0:03:27.292 --> 0:03:30.053 or second month we started trying, and so I think 0:03:30.132 --> 0:03:31.653 I had in the back of my head that something 0:03:31.733 --> 0:03:33.692 was going to go wrong. And I have a bit 0:03:33.733 --> 0:03:37.213 of health anxiety anyway, so I was convinced I was 0:03:37.253 --> 0:03:43.373 gonna have preclampsyr or placenta, previa, or any of the 0:03:43.453 --> 0:03:49.333 above things that would make pregnancy a nightmare. So I 0:03:49.453 --> 0:03:54.452 was anxious, and my mental health generally wasn't great, and 0:03:54.533 --> 0:03:57.493 for me, the pregnancy hormones were the ones that messed 0:03:57.533 --> 0:03:58.373 with my head a little bit. 0:03:58.813 --> 0:04:02.093 Having anxiety in pregnancy is very common. I had it. 0:04:02.173 --> 0:04:04.773 I was constantly terrified I was going to lose my 0:04:04.893 --> 0:04:08.293 first baby, particularly after those months and months and months 0:04:08.333 --> 0:04:12.853 of IVF, and it's not often discussed. Claire took steps 0:04:12.893 --> 0:04:14.413 to help herself through it. 0:04:14.853 --> 0:04:18.253 I think I slowed down a little bit with work. 0:04:18.293 --> 0:04:21.293 I took the pressure off with a few things, pushed 0:04:21.333 --> 0:04:24.773 a few big projects back instead of kind of running 0:04:24.813 --> 0:04:28.413 full throttle until the day I gave birth. I thought, no, 0:04:29.293 --> 0:04:31.693 that's just not the stage of life that I'm in 0:04:31.733 --> 0:04:34.013 at the moment. I need to look after myself, and 0:04:34.053 --> 0:04:35.853 I was very aware that I didn't want to go 0:04:35.933 --> 0:04:39.213 into birth burnt out. So I slowed down a lot 0:04:39.413 --> 0:04:44.613 and saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist and played around 0:04:44.613 --> 0:04:46.212 with medication and stuff, which helped. 0:04:46.693 --> 0:04:49.893 Towards the end of her pregnancy, Claire started looking ahead 0:04:49.973 --> 0:04:50.933 to the big event. 0:04:52.173 --> 0:04:56.773 I had a bit of a funny expectation of birth 0:04:56.973 --> 0:05:00.093 because my twin sister had given birth five or six 0:05:00.173 --> 0:05:04.653 months earlier and had had an excellent birth, and I 0:05:04.733 --> 0:05:08.373 think I was a bit biased in thinking, well, you know, 0:05:08.773 --> 0:05:12.893 similar physiology, maybe I'll be lucky enough to have that 0:05:12.973 --> 0:05:16.213 as well. And at the same time, I was very 0:05:16.413 --> 0:05:20.853 aware that that belief was not a positive one, that 0:05:20.933 --> 0:05:24.053 I needed to accept that my birth if nothing else, 0:05:24.133 --> 0:05:25.293 was going to be completely. 0:05:24.893 --> 0:05:27.013 Different, because that's what birth is. 0:05:27.453 --> 0:05:31.493 So I'd been anxious about about childbirth and had done 0:05:31.493 --> 0:05:34.413 all the birthing classes and spoken to my doctor and 0:05:35.013 --> 0:05:37.733 had gone through all sorts of things. The baby was 0:05:38.093 --> 0:05:42.693 big for my body, they thought, so. The obstrician had 0:05:42.733 --> 0:05:45.253 sort of suggested that there might be a need for 0:05:45.253 --> 0:05:47.453 a C section, but I was like, no, I think 0:05:47.773 --> 0:05:50.212 I want to try. I want to try for vaginal birth. 0:05:50.693 --> 0:05:53.973 But yeah, towards the end, I thought, I'm going to 0:05:53.973 --> 0:05:55.893 try and get into the right headspace. I'm going to 0:05:55.933 --> 0:05:58.973 do hypno birthing and read books and all of that. 0:05:59.413 --> 0:06:04.173 So I did like hypno birthing affirmations, I was listening 0:06:04.213 --> 0:06:07.293 to podcasts. I was getting fully into it, thinking I'm 0:06:07.293 --> 0:06:09.693 going to try my very best to control what i 0:06:09.733 --> 0:06:13.013 can about this. And in hindsight, I don't know anyone 0:06:13.053 --> 0:06:16.813 who's listening to this and is pregnant and feels guilty 0:06:16.853 --> 0:06:18.813 that they're not doing the things they should be doing. 0:06:19.053 --> 0:06:22.173 There's nothing you should be doing, like you can't control. 0:06:22.813 --> 0:06:24.893 I kind of think raw doging to our birth might 0:06:24.933 --> 0:06:25.653 be the way to go. 0:06:26.653 --> 0:06:28.813 You can definitely over prepare. 0:06:29.533 --> 0:06:33.452 Claire's obstric had suggested getting induced at thirty nine weeks 0:06:33.653 --> 0:06:36.133 due to research that suggests that it might be the 0:06:36.173 --> 0:06:39.373 best way for her to have a vaginal birth thanks 0:06:39.413 --> 0:06:43.213 to lower intervention, So she had an induction booked in 0:06:43.253 --> 0:06:44.053 for a Tuesday. 0:06:44.693 --> 0:06:45.493 Well, it was odd. 0:06:45.613 --> 0:06:50.173 So my obstrition had suggested getting induced because she thought 0:06:50.173 --> 0:06:54.173 that might be the best way to have a vaginal birth. 0:06:54.213 --> 0:06:57.333 She thought, at thirty nine weeks, there's all this new research, 0:06:57.573 --> 0:07:02.173 there's a lower risk of intervention. And I was meant 0:07:02.173 --> 0:07:05.453 to be induced on say, I think a Tuesday, and 0:07:05.813 --> 0:07:10.413 that morning, at like five am, my waters broke. So 0:07:10.573 --> 0:07:14.053 it was like Matilda knew and she thought, eh, I'm 0:07:14.133 --> 0:07:17.813 gonna come anyway. And I could tell that it was 0:07:18.013 --> 0:07:22.773 my waters. I didn't notice a feeling. I just went 0:07:22.773 --> 0:07:25.013 to the bathroom and went, oh, there, it is like 0:07:25.053 --> 0:07:29.173 it's sort of I instinctively kind of knew that that's 0:07:29.173 --> 0:07:32.093 sort it was. But I knew from all my research 0:07:32.173 --> 0:07:34.533 that you had to go to hospital because once your 0:07:34.533 --> 0:07:35.333 waters break. 0:07:35.093 --> 0:07:37.453 You're on a bit of a timeline in terms of infection. 0:07:38.213 --> 0:07:42.893 So I went to hospital and they confirmed, yes, your 0:07:42.933 --> 0:07:47.253 waters have broken. You're having some light contractions, but go home. 0:07:47.333 --> 0:07:50.813 And labor at home because you'll progress faster and come back. 0:07:51.293 --> 0:07:55.493 Claire was keen to follow her obstetricians advice, so Claire 0:07:55.493 --> 0:07:57.733 went home, keen to labor there for as long as 0:07:57.813 --> 0:08:01.253 possible as that was where she felt most comfortable. 0:08:01.773 --> 0:08:05.373 I thought, Okay, I am going to labor at home 0:08:05.613 --> 0:08:07.933 for as long as possible because I know that's where 0:08:08.013 --> 0:08:08.933 I feel comfortable. 0:08:09.093 --> 0:08:09.693 So I had an. 0:08:09.613 --> 0:08:13.013 Exercise ball that I was bouncing on. I was reading 0:08:13.053 --> 0:08:15.293 a book. I still can't return to that book. 0:08:15.373 --> 0:08:16.533 I've never finished it. 0:08:17.413 --> 0:08:19.493 I just weirdly I read like a few chapters and 0:08:19.533 --> 0:08:22.733 then yeah, I think I'll leave that unread. There was 0:08:22.773 --> 0:08:26.093 a huge storm, I remember, so Rory and I tried 0:08:26.093 --> 0:08:29.453 to have a nap, but our window ended up breaking 0:08:29.493 --> 0:08:31.133 in and the curtain fell down, and it was just 0:08:31.693 --> 0:08:36.453 absolutely wild storm, which apparently the drop in barometric pressure 0:08:36.573 --> 0:08:40.612 from the storm often breaks women's waters. The maternity ward 0:08:40.653 --> 0:08:43.093 was full when I went in, and yeah, I've met 0:08:43.093 --> 0:08:44.333 a lot of people who had babies at the same 0:08:44.373 --> 0:08:46.013 time and they say that it's because of the storm. 0:08:46.413 --> 0:08:49.492 So I just kind of tried to do all the affirmations. 0:08:49.492 --> 0:08:52.213 I was in the bath for a long time. The 0:08:52.253 --> 0:08:55.893 contractions took a while to kick in and were kind 0:08:55.893 --> 0:08:57.773 of slowed to ramp up. But one thing I did do, 0:08:58.453 --> 0:09:02.173 because oxytocin is meant to be really important in like 0:09:02.293 --> 0:09:05.933 fueling labor, I hung out with my sister's baby and 0:09:05.973 --> 0:09:08.053 kept sniffing her because I was like, you are the 0:09:08.133 --> 0:09:10.853 best sols of oxytocin for me. I was like, come on, 0:09:12.213 --> 0:09:17.053 start those contractions. So I did a lot of sniffing her. 0:09:17.773 --> 0:09:20.613 Went to bed that night. My partner slept. I was like, 0:09:20.693 --> 0:09:23.013 get as much sleep as you can. I couldn't sleep. 0:09:23.053 --> 0:09:28.013 I tossed and turned again, and the contractions ramped up overnight, 0:09:28.013 --> 0:09:32.693 which they say biologically happens like as it gets darker 0:09:32.813 --> 0:09:35.413 and at night time that's kind of when things seem 0:09:35.453 --> 0:09:36.893 to ramp up. And then they slowed down a bit 0:09:36.973 --> 0:09:40.693 during the day, So overnight contractions really ramped up. And 0:09:40.733 --> 0:09:43.973 I remember looking at my phone and thinking, just wait 0:09:43.973 --> 0:09:45.813 till five am. Wait till five am, and then you 0:09:45.853 --> 0:09:49.213 can wait rory when we can go. For some reason, 0:09:49.413 --> 0:09:51.453 I wanted to wait till five am. I wanted like 0:09:51.493 --> 0:09:54.773 an arbitrary marker because I wasn't confident about my own 0:09:54.813 --> 0:09:57.413 pain threshold. I was like I am very aware I'm 0:09:57.413 --> 0:10:02.213 not having this baby right now, but I also don't 0:10:02.253 --> 0:10:03.933 want to be in a whole lot of pain and 0:10:03.973 --> 0:10:08.732 feel out of control. The contractions slowed down a little 0:10:08.733 --> 0:10:11.813 bit on the way to hospital, which can happen when 0:10:11.853 --> 0:10:13.693 you're kind of out of your safety zone, and I 0:10:13.733 --> 0:10:15.573 was a bit like, no, I want them to believe 0:10:15.613 --> 0:10:17.373 me that I was in a lot of pain, Like 0:10:17.933 --> 0:10:18.853 I don't want them. 0:10:18.693 --> 0:10:20.013 To know that I was telling the truth. 0:10:20.653 --> 0:10:23.293 But I had a few solid ones. I also had 0:10:23.293 --> 0:10:25.973 the tens machine on at that point, and that was 0:10:25.973 --> 0:10:30.253 a good distraction if nothing else, just to have a 0:10:30.293 --> 0:10:33.493 button to press and a zap going through you to 0:10:33.573 --> 0:10:36.333 distract you from a horrible contraction. 0:10:38.253 --> 0:10:41.093 Arriving at the hospital knowing this is it this time, 0:10:41.173 --> 0:10:42.973 I'm going to walk out of here with a baby 0:10:43.493 --> 0:10:45.413 is a huge overwhelming feeling. 0:10:46.133 --> 0:10:48.893 So I got to the hospital, walked in to the ward, 0:10:49.133 --> 0:10:52.973 and burst into tears. Mostly I think it was a 0:10:52.973 --> 0:10:58.573 combination of sleep deprivation and the contractions, because by that 0:10:58.613 --> 0:11:02.413 point I already hadn't slept in two nights, and they 0:11:02.613 --> 0:11:06.813 hadn't even really gone into proper labor birth all of that. 0:11:06.933 --> 0:11:08.373 So I just burst into tears. 0:11:08.413 --> 0:11:11.933 And the most beautiful midwife took me and was like, 0:11:12.093 --> 0:11:13.813 we are going to get you an ampydur or we 0:11:13.853 --> 0:11:15.933 are going to get you comfortable. This is all going 0:11:15.973 --> 0:11:20.333 to be fine, and that was incredible. She was an 0:11:20.373 --> 0:11:23.732 ab salute saint. And I remember I was so sleep 0:11:23.733 --> 0:11:26.013 deprived already that I put the gown on the wrong 0:11:26.053 --> 0:11:28.293 way so it was open at the front because I 0:11:28.333 --> 0:11:30.053 was like, well, I guess you're gonna need like access 0:11:30.053 --> 0:11:32.693 to my badge and she was like, honey, wrong way, 0:11:32.733 --> 0:11:33.973 and I'm like, this is the first time I've ever 0:11:34.013 --> 0:11:36.773 worn a hospital gown. I've ever been in hospital. I've 0:11:36.813 --> 0:11:39.933 never spent a night in hospital. So yeah, by that point, 0:11:40.013 --> 0:11:44.613 I was like, get the epidural in me. I had 0:11:44.773 --> 0:11:49.813 absolutely no anxiety about the epidural. I'm not particularly scared 0:11:49.813 --> 0:11:52.372 of needles. I've known lots and lots of people who 0:11:52.413 --> 0:11:58.173 have got epidurals. And when the anetheist came in, I 0:11:58.373 --> 0:12:00.053 was fine. I was like, get it in me, and 0:12:00.733 --> 0:12:03.973 we had Christmas carols playing and he was happy and 0:12:04.453 --> 0:12:06.733 joking about unwrapping the needles and it all being like 0:12:06.813 --> 0:12:11.973 unwrapping Christmas presents, and then he did the epidural, and 0:12:12.493 --> 0:12:15.693 my memory. It's funny what your memory kind of erases 0:12:15.973 --> 0:12:18.933 months and months down the track. But when he put 0:12:18.973 --> 0:12:21.773 it in, he said, ye can't move, You've got to 0:12:21.773 --> 0:12:25.893 be completely still, and I was like, yep. And where 0:12:25.973 --> 0:12:29.413 he put it, I'd had really bad sciatica throughout pregnancy 0:12:29.853 --> 0:12:32.813 and it felt like it hit my sciatic nerve, so 0:12:32.933 --> 0:12:36.213 I flinched. I fully leg went up in the air 0:12:36.253 --> 0:12:37.853 and I was like, ooh, I'm going to be in trouble. 0:12:38.293 --> 0:12:41.573 And he went silent for a very long time and 0:12:41.613 --> 0:12:46.173 then made some noises that were like ooh oh, which 0:12:46.213 --> 0:12:48.213 is not what you want to hear from the person 0:12:48.293 --> 0:12:52.133 with a needle in your back. And then my partner 0:12:52.173 --> 0:12:53.453 and I laughed about this now, but it was not 0:12:53.453 --> 0:12:55.333 funny at the time. He was like, I'm going to 0:12:55.333 --> 0:12:59.213 start by telling you what went right, and I was like, 0:12:59.253 --> 0:13:04.453 that implies something went wrong, and when you're that anxious 0:13:04.573 --> 0:13:08.093 and sleep deprived, it's really hard to take in information. 0:13:08.613 --> 0:13:12.653 And basically what he was saying was I've taken out 0:13:13.413 --> 0:13:16.133 spinal fluid, so he's put the needle in and some 0:13:16.213 --> 0:13:19.133 spinal fluid has come back out, and he was trying 0:13:19.173 --> 0:13:21.413 to work out what that meant if he had got 0:13:21.413 --> 0:13:24.293 it in the right place if it had gone too deep, 0:13:24.893 --> 0:13:28.253 And then I sort of was saying, okay, that's all great. 0:13:28.293 --> 0:13:30.573 I don't really need to know the ins and outs 0:13:30.573 --> 0:13:32.093 of that. I just need to know what's going to happen. 0:13:33.173 --> 0:13:36.893 And he was worried I'd get a complication after the 0:13:36.893 --> 0:13:39.173 epidural once at wore off, or that it would be 0:13:39.213 --> 0:13:42.653 too strong, or that it wouldn't work at all. It 0:13:42.733 --> 0:13:47.133 was so confusing, and I was very, very very anxious. 0:13:47.813 --> 0:13:49.973 He left and came back, and left and came back, 0:13:50.013 --> 0:13:52.253 and I think he was checking on me, which made 0:13:52.293 --> 0:13:54.133 me more worried because I thought, what are you waiting 0:13:54.133 --> 0:13:56.213 to happen in a moment, to pass out or something. 0:13:57.013 --> 0:14:03.173 And I think as well, having something go wrong in 0:14:03.133 --> 0:14:06.852 inverted coomas that early I was like, Oh, this isn't 0:14:07.493 --> 0:14:10.573 not that I pictured it. I was very rigid in 0:14:10.773 --> 0:14:12.733 I'm not going to picture how this is going to go, 0:14:12.733 --> 0:14:14.973 because whatever I picture, it's going to go the other way. 0:14:15.453 --> 0:14:17.813 But I kind of thought that was the bit that 0:14:17.853 --> 0:14:21.093 would go smoothly the epidural, and it didn't. So he 0:14:21.133 --> 0:14:24.053 came back a little while later and said, oh, okay, 0:14:24.133 --> 0:14:27.933 none of the complications seemed to have happened, but as 0:14:28.053 --> 0:14:31.453 the birth went on, the epidural very much wore off. 0:14:32.413 --> 0:14:35.413 Claire was in early labor and at this stage and 0:14:35.533 --> 0:14:37.853 quite understandably, was beginning to panic. 0:14:38.573 --> 0:14:43.773 So I was convinced when he was silent and when 0:14:43.813 --> 0:14:47.453 he was kind of babbling on, I couldn't interpret what 0:14:47.493 --> 0:14:50.253 he was saying. I thought, Oh, my gosh, I'm the 0:14:50.293 --> 0:14:54.973 one in a million that is paralyzed. That something horrible 0:14:55.013 --> 0:15:01.133 has happened here, and something irreversible, and how is it 0:15:01.213 --> 0:15:04.533 that that could happen to me? Even when he left, 0:15:04.573 --> 0:15:06.813 I remember he left for a bit and I turned 0:15:06.813 --> 0:15:09.293 to the midwife and said, I don't understand what he's saying. 0:15:09.333 --> 0:15:12.573 Can you clarify it? And she said, I'm so sorry. 0:15:12.573 --> 0:15:15.773 I don't understand either. And you're getting messages from family 0:15:15.813 --> 0:15:17.893 saying like, oh, have you got the epidural, and you're like, yeah, 0:15:18.413 --> 0:15:19.333 something's gone wrong. 0:15:19.693 --> 0:15:20.853 I don't want to talk about it yet. 0:15:21.453 --> 0:15:25.053 But there was a while there that I was convinced 0:15:25.813 --> 0:15:27.813 I was paralyzed, because then you can't kind of feel 0:15:27.973 --> 0:15:29.373 your legs and you're like, am I ever going to 0:15:29.373 --> 0:15:30.013 feel them again? 0:15:30.213 --> 0:15:34.053 Is this a permanent thing? So I think that put. 0:15:33.893 --> 0:15:37.093 Me in a kind of state of fight or flight 0:15:37.213 --> 0:15:42.213 quite early, and my contractions stopped for. 0:15:42.293 --> 0:15:45.693 Ages after that because I was clearly bloody. 0:15:45.373 --> 0:15:47.733 Terrified coming up. 0:15:48.453 --> 0:15:51.373 It was like a bowling ball, trying to push a 0:15:51.413 --> 0:15:53.533 bowling ball out of my body. And I feel like 0:15:53.573 --> 0:15:56.173 I could feel it the whole time as I was pushing. 0:16:03.053 --> 0:16:04.253 So let's recap. 0:16:05.253 --> 0:16:09.653 I haven't slept in two nights already. I I'm laying 0:16:09.653 --> 0:16:13.773 there thinking I could be paralyzed, and I can't feel 0:16:13.813 --> 0:16:20.333 my legs. I am laying there thinking, Okay, at least 0:16:20.373 --> 0:16:23.413 the words is over. The scary thing has happened. It'll 0:16:23.453 --> 0:16:27.053 be smooth sailing from now on. And so the epidural 0:16:27.173 --> 0:16:30.653 was early that morning, and the day goes on and 0:16:30.733 --> 0:16:33.093 on and on and on, and this is the twentieth 0:16:33.133 --> 0:16:36.893 of December, and my birthday is the twenty first. Every 0:16:36.933 --> 0:16:40.013 midwife was like, don't worry, your baby's coming today. Like 0:16:40.133 --> 0:16:42.173 she's not going to come on your birthday, She's coming today. 0:16:42.173 --> 0:16:44.453 She's coming today. And as the day wears on and 0:16:44.493 --> 0:16:47.773 on and on, I wasn't dilating, and then it got 0:16:47.773 --> 0:16:52.813 to the point where Matilda was very stuck. I had 0:16:52.813 --> 0:16:54.733 a catheterin and I remember saying it was just full 0:16:54.773 --> 0:16:58.333 of blood, and I think that was because she must 0:16:58.333 --> 0:17:02.733 have been stuck somewhere that was blocking something. But she 0:17:02.973 --> 0:17:06.933 was posterior. She was definitely kind of the wrong angle. 0:17:07.733 --> 0:17:14.653 And that's when the epidural started to wear off. And 0:17:14.812 --> 0:17:18.013 I remember the anethethist had said, you can kind of 0:17:18.013 --> 0:17:21.052 control how the epidural works, so if you sit up, 0:17:21.093 --> 0:17:23.013 it works with gravity, so if you sit up, it 0:17:23.093 --> 0:17:27.653 kind of flows further down. And I kept kind of 0:17:27.653 --> 0:17:30.893 sitting up because it was really like that bum pain 0:17:31.293 --> 0:17:36.532 because it's posteria, and it was just agony. Nothing was happening. 0:17:36.573 --> 0:17:40.573 They kept checking and saying, she's stuck, She's stuck, and 0:17:40.613 --> 0:17:44.573 then a midwife came in checked and she said Matilda 0:17:44.613 --> 0:17:48.293 had a cone head. She could tell from checking because 0:17:48.373 --> 0:17:52.733 she'd been pushing for so long and unable to come 0:17:52.813 --> 0:17:56.413 down because I wasn't dilating, and the midwife she looked 0:17:56.413 --> 0:17:58.132 at me and said, it's probably going to be an 0:17:58.133 --> 0:18:00.613 emergency sea section. I'm just going to get the obstetrician, 0:18:01.093 --> 0:18:04.493 but kind of prepare for that. And I was really 0:18:04.533 --> 0:18:07.933 really emotional, not because I'd ever had a fear of 0:18:08.333 --> 0:18:10.653 anything about having a sea section, but just because I 0:18:10.653 --> 0:18:13.933 had this weird instinct to stay in that room. Like 0:18:13.973 --> 0:18:15.733 I just I was like, I don't think I can 0:18:15.973 --> 0:18:19.093 have another needle. For some reason, the idea of moving 0:18:19.133 --> 0:18:22.853 to another room and having surgery was like such a 0:18:22.933 --> 0:18:26.493 jump from just being in this little bubble. And it's weird. 0:18:26.533 --> 0:18:30.532 I think time everything just evaporates when you're in that 0:18:30.693 --> 0:18:35.612 much pain and something is clearly not going right with 0:18:35.693 --> 0:18:36.173 your body. 0:18:36.693 --> 0:18:40.852 Despite being so delirious from pain and exhaustion, Claire was 0:18:40.933 --> 0:18:43.453 able to tune in and listen to what her body 0:18:43.533 --> 0:18:44.133 was telling her. 0:18:44.733 --> 0:18:49.413 So the obstrition came in and she said, weird, it's 0:18:49.493 --> 0:18:53.933 miracle whatever that midwife did, You've dilated another like three centimeters, 0:18:54.293 --> 0:18:57.173 so actually, let's keep going. But she looked at me 0:18:57.253 --> 0:19:00.613 because I was clearly not okay, and she said, do 0:19:00.653 --> 0:19:03.333 you think you can go for another hour? And I said, yes, yes, 0:19:03.373 --> 0:19:05.612 I can go for another hour. And I believe it 0:19:05.653 --> 0:19:09.852 was another five hours before Matilda was born. And in 0:19:09.893 --> 0:19:12.733 that five hours I did start projectile vomiting at one 0:19:12.773 --> 0:19:17.332 point because the pain was so bad, and the midwife 0:19:17.853 --> 0:19:21.733 kept asking if it was press or pain, and I 0:19:21.853 --> 0:19:24.332 just I had no words anymore. 0:19:24.653 --> 0:19:27.613 I just felt very, very out of control. 0:19:27.773 --> 0:19:30.973 And scared, but very in my own body, Like it 0:19:31.013 --> 0:19:33.052 was almost like I wasn't there. You kind of go 0:19:33.133 --> 0:19:36.213 to another place. I think at this point my sister 0:19:36.733 --> 0:19:38.933 had kind of been there for a bit of support 0:19:39.093 --> 0:19:44.733 because I was quite distressed, and my partner's there, and 0:19:44.813 --> 0:19:48.893 then they kind of had a look and the obstrition said, Okay, 0:19:48.893 --> 0:19:52.173 we've got to get Matilda out now. She's she must 0:19:52.213 --> 0:19:53.853 have said she's in distressed. I don't think I heard 0:19:53.853 --> 0:19:58.052 that at the time. Very very quickly it turned into, 0:19:58.653 --> 0:20:02.413 I guess, more of an emergency situation. All of a sudden, 0:20:02.413 --> 0:20:05.812 my legs were like in stirrups, and there were handlebars 0:20:05.853 --> 0:20:08.533 on the bed and lots more people in the room, 0:20:08.573 --> 0:20:11.532 and I remember all the lights being on, and I 0:20:11.573 --> 0:20:14.332 remember that being different because my sister had said with 0:20:14.493 --> 0:20:17.213 hers like pretty much all the lights were off and 0:20:17.293 --> 0:20:21.493 it was just the midwife and the obstrician, and yeah, 0:20:21.613 --> 0:20:23.413 I kind of got the hint that this was going 0:20:23.493 --> 0:20:27.693 to be a little bit different. And the obstric told me, 0:20:28.053 --> 0:20:30.973 you have a few goes at pushing, and she kind 0:20:31.013 --> 0:20:33.173 of needed to tell whether I was able to push 0:20:33.253 --> 0:20:36.213 at that point or if I was too exhausted and 0:20:37.013 --> 0:20:40.653 that's why my sister ended up staying, because the original 0:20:40.693 --> 0:20:42.373 idea had been that it would be my partner and 0:20:42.453 --> 0:20:45.933 I and my sister outside. But yeah, Jesse looked at 0:20:45.933 --> 0:20:48.613 my partner and was like, I did classes on this. 0:20:48.893 --> 0:20:51.373 I know how to help her, and everything had gone 0:20:51.373 --> 0:20:55.213 out of my head. Then the obstrician said, we're going 0:20:55.293 --> 0:20:57.813 to need a vacuum, but in order to do that, 0:20:57.933 --> 0:21:02.373 you do need to push, and the vacuum kind of 0:21:02.453 --> 0:21:05.653 keeps them there. Like apparently when you push, it's like 0:21:05.693 --> 0:21:08.132 baby comes out, goes back in, goes out, back in. 0:21:08.333 --> 0:21:10.133 With a vacuum, it kind of you push and it 0:21:10.213 --> 0:21:11.653 keeps them there, and then you push again and keeps 0:21:11.693 --> 0:21:15.133 them there. So she said, you've got like three pushes 0:21:15.453 --> 0:21:19.453 and if you can't push, I'm gonna have to use 0:21:19.493 --> 0:21:21.292 forceps and risk about it. 0:21:22.413 --> 0:21:25.213 And I was like, wow, that's really hectic. 0:21:25.293 --> 0:21:27.933 And I could feel and I still remember the pain, 0:21:28.733 --> 0:21:31.532 and it really felt like something was wrong, Like I 0:21:31.533 --> 0:21:35.413 could feel the pressure and I thought as I was pushing, 0:21:35.413 --> 0:21:39.373 I was like, I am just certain I'm damaging something, 0:21:39.613 --> 0:21:41.093 I'm breaking something. 0:21:41.253 --> 0:21:43.852 This does not feel It was like it was like. 0:21:43.853 --> 0:21:47.253 A bowling ball trying to push a bowling ball out 0:21:47.293 --> 0:21:49.173 of my body, and I feel like I could feel 0:21:49.173 --> 0:21:53.213 it the whole time as I was pushing. I think 0:21:53.253 --> 0:21:55.653 maybe because there had just been quite a few things 0:21:56.333 --> 0:21:58.893 at all, these moments of thinking that the worst was over, 0:21:59.573 --> 0:22:03.453 and then the obstitution said I'm going to have to 0:22:04.333 --> 0:22:07.893 do a pisiotomy. My partner and I still talk about it. 0:22:07.893 --> 0:22:11.693 There was something about the way she said it and 0:22:11.733 --> 0:22:14.693 the fact that I was so exhausted by that point 0:22:15.213 --> 0:22:19.093