Speaker 1: You're listening to a Muma Mia podcast.
Speaker 2: Mamma Maya acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and
Speaker 2: waters that this podcast is recorded.
Speaker 3: On for Mamma Mia. I'm your host, Ashani Dante. Welcome
Speaker 3: to But Are You Happy? Because self care is more
Speaker 3: than overprize candles?
Speaker 4: And I'm doctor Anastasia Hernus, the clinical psychologist passionate about happiness.
Speaker 4: Have you ever ended a relationship, been single for a while,
Speaker 4: started a new relationship, only to realize that you're basically
Speaker 4: dating your ex?
Speaker 3: Oh so many of my girlfriends are in this cycle
Speaker 3: as we speak.
Speaker 4: Well, this is the episode for them because there's a
Speaker 4: reason we keep dating the wrong.
Speaker 3: Person and hopefully there's ways we can break out of
Speaker 3: this cycle.
Speaker 5: One hundred percent.
Speaker 4: It is one of the most important cycles to break
Speaker 4: in life.
Speaker 3: I have a million questions. Let's get straight into it, Okay, Anasthasia,
Speaker 3: Let's just cut to the chase. Why do we keep
Speaker 3: dating the wrong person?
Speaker 4: To answer that, I have to give you a little
Speaker 4: bit of psych one oh one. So we're going to
Speaker 4: talk about attachment styles, because our attachment style very much
Speaker 4: influences who were drawn to, who we date and who
Speaker 4: we might end up in a relationship with So what
Speaker 4: is an attachment style to start off with?
Speaker 5: Our attachment style is essentially.
Speaker 4: A pattern of how we emotionally bond with other people.
Speaker 5: So it's this pattern of.
Speaker 4: How we can have emotional intimacy with others while also
Speaker 4: maintaining our own sense of independence and identity in a relationship. Now,
Speaker 4: our attachment style is relevant for emotionally close relationships. So
Speaker 4: my attachment style doesn't necessarily play out when it comes
Speaker 4: to how I interact with a barista who's making my coffee,
Speaker 4: or how I might interact with a colt work that
Speaker 4: I don't really have.
Speaker 6: Much to do with.
Speaker 4: We're really talking about emotionally close relationships our good friends,
Speaker 4: our siblings, our families, our partners, etc.
Speaker 3: Okay, so there's four main attachment styles, right.
Speaker 5: Yes, that's right.
Speaker 4: So we've got our secure attachment, which is ultimately what
Speaker 4: we're aiming for in life. We've got an anxious attachment style,
Speaker 4: there's an avoidant attachment style, and then there's a disorganized
Speaker 4: attachment style. So I'll go through each of them and
Speaker 4: do a little bit of an explainer. As I explain
Speaker 4: these attachment styles, I want you to think of closeness
Speaker 4: and distance in a relationship because they all relate to
Speaker 4: how emotionally close and how emotionally distant we can be
Speaker 4: from someone else.
Speaker 3: Is it also really important to not bring judgment because
Speaker 3: I think it's very easy to be like, oh, anxious
Speaker 3: is bad, and then you know, and then that kind
Speaker 3: of weighs on us.
Speaker 4: Yes, definitely have an open mind about what our attachment
Speaker 4: style might be and the attachment style of other people
Speaker 4: that we know as well.
Speaker 6: So if we.
Speaker 4: Start without secure attachment, this is where we feel comfortable
Speaker 4: having both closeness and distance in a relationship. So if
Speaker 4: I have a secure attachment with my partner, I feel
Speaker 4: comfortable and okay when we have those emotionally close intimate moments.
Speaker 4: I feel okay with us sharing emotions with one another,
Speaker 4: being vulnerable with one another. And I also feel comfortable
Speaker 4: when there's that emotional distance when we need physical and
Speaker 4: emotional time.
Speaker 5: Apart from one another.
Speaker 4: So that's what we'd look at as a secure attachment relationship.
Speaker 4: And if I can give you an example, there's something
Speaker 4: called circle of security training, which is what often young
Speaker 4: and new moms will do to help them learn how
Speaker 4: to bond with their child And one of the best
Speaker 4: visuals I have of what a secure attachment looks like
Speaker 4: is where a mum and her little baby are in
Speaker 4: a room together and the baby kind of starts to
Speaker 4: crawl off, and you know, inspect something in the room,
Speaker 4: looks at some sort of toy, and it kind of
Speaker 4: goes this certain distance away from mum. It then kind
Speaker 4: of turns around, looks back at mum. Mum gives the
Speaker 4: kind of nod of yep, you're good, everything's okay, and
Speaker 4: then it keeps playing and eventually.
Speaker 5: It comes back.
Speaker 6: Right.
Speaker 5: This is this idea of secure attachment.
Speaker 4: I can go away from the person I have the
Speaker 4: relationship with, I can feel comfortable being away, and then
Speaker 4: I can comfortably come back as well.
Speaker 3: So essentially it's finding the relationship and the balance between
Speaker 3: being independent but also intimate.
Speaker 5: Exactly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's our secure attachment. Then we'll talk about
Speaker 4: our anxious attachment style. Now, this is essentially an attachment
Speaker 4: style where we feel uncomfortable having emotional.
Speaker 5: Space in a relationship. We want to be close.
Speaker 4: We crave the closeness, and sometimes we can crave it
Speaker 4: a little bit too much. So this might present as
Speaker 4: someone who is quite clinging in a relationship. To put
Speaker 4: it simply right, there's someone who wants to constantly be
Speaker 4: in contact with.
Speaker 5: The other person.
Speaker 4: If they don't hear back from them, they become really anxious,
Speaker 4: they become really worried, They start to, you know, call
Speaker 4: them repeatedly. So there's a discomfort with that space in relationships.
Speaker 3: It does remind me of one of my friends, and
Speaker 3: let's just call her Lucy. Lucy, I would say, has
Speaker 3: this anxious attachment style and is quite clinging to her partner.
Speaker 3: And when she messages her partner he doesn't get back
Speaker 3: to her. There's a freak out. She freaks out, she
Speaker 3: thinks there's something wrong, he's going to break up with her,
Speaker 3: and it's just she really spirals. So in a way,
Speaker 3: would you say that that's a pattern of an anxious
Speaker 3: attachment style.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, And unfortunately what can happen is the more anxious
Speaker 4: someone behaves in a relationship, the more the other person
Speaker 4: might actually step away from them because it feels quite
Speaker 4: overwhelming to be on the receiving end of So while
Speaker 4: that person, like your friend Lucy, is craving the closeness,
Speaker 4: it can actually have the opposite effect. In a relationship
Speaker 4: where someone steps further away from them.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so it's interesting because they want intimacy because they're
Speaker 3: scared of being alone. And then those behaviors are acting
Speaker 3: out like the partner's stepping away and she doesn't understand.
Speaker 3: So what we think is helping is actually making it
Speaker 3: worse without realizing absolutely.
Speaker 4: And that can be amplified if someone who has an
Speaker 4: anxious attachment style partners up with someone who has an
Speaker 4: avoidant attachment style. Right, So, the avoidant attachment style is
Speaker 4: almost the opposite of the anxious. It's someone who has
Speaker 4: discomforted with emotional closeness. It's the person who always feels
Speaker 4: like emotionally they're in arm's length away and constantly emotionally
Speaker 4: just out of reach, like we can never quite reach them.
Speaker 4: And what we sometimes find is when someone who's anxious
Speaker 4: pairs with someone who's avoidant, there can almost be this
Speaker 4: cat and mouse where the anxious person does their anxious
Speaker 4: stuff understandably and the avoidant person keeps stepping further and
Speaker 4: further away.
Speaker 3: Okay, so those are the three. What about the fourth
Speaker 3: attachment style?
Speaker 4: So the last one is what we call disorganized attachment,
Speaker 4: and this is essentially a combination of the anxious and
Speaker 4: the avoidance styles. This is where someone has unfortunately discomfort
Speaker 4: with both closeness.
Speaker 5: And distance done where me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And for the person who is disorganized in their
Speaker 4: attachment style, it really can feel uncomfortable but quite chaotic.
Speaker 4: It's like this constant push pull feeling, and that person
Speaker 4: will feel it in themselves and a person they're in
Speaker 4: a relationship with will also feel it from them as well.
Speaker 3: So you've talked about the patterns of attachment style, but
Speaker 3: where does it all come from?
Speaker 5: Good question.
Speaker 4: A lot of our attachment patterns come from early childhood,
Speaker 4: so they are very much influenced by our family, our
Speaker 4: early life experiences, any caregivers that we had in our lives,
Speaker 4: or it doesn't have to just be parents, it could
Speaker 4: be grandparents or aunties or anyone else who was involved
Speaker 4: in sort of raising us. Our attachment styles are very
Speaker 4: much influenced and modeled by how they related to us
Speaker 4: when we were kids. In addition to that, our attachment
Speaker 4: style can also be influenced by major disruptions in attachment. So,
Speaker 4: for example, if someone has a parent who suddenly dies
Speaker 4: when they're a child, or who suddenly gets up and
Speaker 4: leaves the family and goes to another country and they
Speaker 4: never see them again. Right, These kind of experiences of
Speaker 4: abandonment can absolutely influence how comfortable or uncomfortable people then
Speaker 4: feel in their subsequent relationships in life.
Speaker 3: So with these attachment styles, can you change them? Or
Speaker 3: is it kind of like this is your stamp you're
Speaker 3: anxiously attached in like for us no matter what relationsh yeah,
Speaker 3: this is it, you know, can you actually change it?
Speaker 4: You can absolutely change it. We all sit somewhere on
Speaker 4: a spectrum, right, so we may always be a little
Speaker 4: more anxious generally in terms of our temperament in terms
Speaker 4: of our attachment. That's fine, But we definitely can change
Speaker 4: our attachment.
Speaker 5: Patterns with other people.
Speaker 4: So the first part, as with anything, is to really
Speaker 4: start to become aware of where we might sit in
Speaker 4: that spectrum of attachment. Do we feel pretty secure or
Speaker 4: are we a little bit more avoidance or more anxious
Speaker 4: or maybe a combination of both. So the first part
Speaker 4: to be able to change anything is always the awareness.
Speaker 3: So our attachment styles the foundation of why we have
Speaker 3: relationship patterns, I.
Speaker 4: Would say largely, there's always other factors that can come
Speaker 4: into players to why we might be drawn to certain people,
Speaker 4: but our attachment style is fundamental to how we relate
Speaker 4: to anyone, not just sort of romantic relationships, but anyone
Speaker 4: in our life. But we're definitely aiming for that sort
Speaker 4: of more secure attachment with most of the people that
Speaker 4: we interact with. And as I'm saying that, I'm actually
Speaker 4: thinking of you as shining because you've been.
Speaker 1: With YO for what like f fifteen years?
Speaker 5: Fifteen years?
Speaker 7: My gosh, okay, so it's been a while. Maybe I'm
Speaker 7: going to turn it to you. You tell us, like,
Speaker 7: what is it that makes a fifteen year relationship work?
Speaker 7: Like what's your inside around your attachment style with Yo?
Speaker 1: This is a great question. I'm in the hot seat.
Speaker 3: So I feel like with YO and I being together
Speaker 3: for so long, I think what's at the bottom of
Speaker 3: it is the trust and safety, but also being able
Speaker 3: to navigate conflict and having the ability to communicate. So,
Speaker 3: you know, being in a secure relationship doesn't mean that
Speaker 3: we don't have disagreements. We definitely do, and I think
Speaker 3: actually disagreements are really healthy in relationships because if you
Speaker 3: morph into the other person, you lose your you know, independence,
Speaker 3: which we were talking to before when you were outlining
Speaker 3: the behaviors Yo and I when we have disagreements, we're
Speaker 3: able to sit there and be able to listen to
Speaker 3: each other, validate their perspective, but also not overriding the
Speaker 3: other person's perspective. And then it's kind of this dance
Speaker 3: of you could say, negotiation but also hearing each other.
Speaker 5: What's of green flags is what I hear?
Speaker 1: Green flags?
Speaker 3: Yeah, if you're listening, well done, you did it. Okay,
Speaker 3: tell me about green flags.
Speaker 5: Green flags is what we want to look for.
Speaker 4: I love that in like, you know, pop culture today,
Speaker 4: we've labeled them red flags and green flags, but you know,
Speaker 4: they're nice ways of summarizing things that are important to
Speaker 4: look for in a relationship and in a partner, and
Speaker 4: things that we ideally don't want in a.
Speaker 5: Relationship as well.
Speaker 4: So green flags, I mean, if I come back to
Speaker 4: what you were saying about your relationship with the trust
Speaker 4: and the safety, like that emotional safety, to feel like
Speaker 4: I can be myself, I can be authentic, I can
Speaker 4: be vulnerable and share myself and my emotional experiences with
Speaker 4: someone else and know that that's going to be received.
Speaker 4: Doesn't mean they have to agree with it, but they
Speaker 4: can hold space for it, big green flags right there,
Speaker 4: open communication, the ability to disagree.
Speaker 6: Right.
Speaker 4: We're not always going to agree in relationships, as you've
Speaker 4: just pointed out fifteen years.
Speaker 5: Probably a few disagreements along the way, of course, but
Speaker 5: to be able to do that is so important.
Speaker 4: I know that a disagreement isn't going to mean necessarily
Speaker 4: the end of a relationship. That we can have tension
Speaker 4: within a bigger picture of secure attachment in a relationship.
Speaker 4: So lots of green flags, of course, having that mutual
Speaker 4: respect for one another, respect for independent identity as well
Speaker 4: as respect for one another's opinions as well.
Speaker 1: So what about the other side, What about red flags?
Speaker 4: So red flags, red flags mean different things for different people, right,
Speaker 4: So what might be a red flag for me might
Speaker 4: be different to you. But if we talk about some
Speaker 4: sort of evidence based, researched firm red flags, I would
Speaker 4: say they're like, obviously abuse in any form. We never
Speaker 4: want to tolerate any sort of abuse, things like excessive
Speaker 4: jealousy or excessive secrecy. Now, I mean these things will
Speaker 4: sometimes come up in small doses in relationships and that
Speaker 4: can be okay, But when we are seeing it play
Speaker 4: out excessively, that's a red flag, hangar management issues or
Speaker 4: any sort of controlling behaviors we might see from the
Speaker 4: other person. And then other things like someone gaslighting us,
Speaker 4: someone love bombing us. So we love bombing has done
Speaker 4: the rounds and socials lately. I've seen quite a few
Speaker 4: things online about it.
Speaker 5: But really this.
Speaker 4: Notion of when someone comes in too strong, too early,
Speaker 4: it's actually not a great indicator of how they're feeling
Speaker 4: towards us and how the relationship might progress.
Speaker 3: So with this green flag red flag system, where does
Speaker 3: attraction come into this, Like, how does it impact that?
Speaker 4: Gosh, it can impact it in so many ways. It
Speaker 4: can make us blind to red flags. Sure, but everything
Speaker 4: in moderation. I think this is going to be one
Speaker 4: of my catchphrases for this podcast is everything in moderation. Yes,
Speaker 4: we want to be looking out for the red flags
Speaker 4: and the green flags, and that's important. We don't want
Speaker 4: to overdo it though, right, We don't want to just
Speaker 4: be there with the clipboard like ticking off in the
Speaker 4: two columns what someone's sort.
Speaker 5: Of matching up with.
Speaker 4: But on the flip side, we also don't want to
Speaker 4: go for just like ten out of ten pure chemistry,
Speaker 4: fire and spice.
Speaker 5: You know that that's also not what we're looking for.
Speaker 4: And actually, what we often find is that when someone
Speaker 4: does meet another person, if they're dating, and they do
Speaker 4: feel that like ten out of ten draw to them,
Speaker 4: that's often not a good sign. Let's aim for, like, yeah,
Speaker 4: we want to aim for like that seven out of ten,
Speaker 4: maybe an eight out of ten kind of fire and passion.
Speaker 4: When we feel that ten out of ten, it's often
Speaker 4: a sign that something in us is being activated, and
Speaker 4: not necessarily in a good way. So if I I'm
Speaker 4: an anxiously attached person and I meet someone who's kind
Speaker 4: of a little bit on the avoidant end, I might.
Speaker 5: Feel that fire, right. That's why we.
Speaker 4: Often see anxious and avoidant people in relationships together, which
Speaker 4: can end up with really some chaos in the relationship.
Speaker 4: So be mindful of the ten out of ten passion
Speaker 4: that you feel, and really check in with yourself around
Speaker 4: why you're feeling so drawn to this person. Often it's
Speaker 4: the case that it's familiar patterns being brought up and activated,
Speaker 4: and because they're familiar, they feel good.
Speaker 5: They're known to us, but they're not necessarily healthy for us.
Speaker 1: After this short break.
Speaker 3: Doctor Anastasia is going to teach you how to understand
Speaker 3: what your relationship cycle is and exactly how to break it. Okay, Anastasia,
Speaker 3: we've talked about attachment styles, red flags and green flags
Speaker 3: and all the reasons why we date the wrong people.
Speaker 1: So what do we actually do it? How do we
Speaker 1: get off this train?
Speaker 4: So I say that one of the things we all
Speaker 4: need to know as women, as people in the world,
Speaker 4: we need to know ourselves right before we start looking
Speaker 4: for the green flags and the red flags and the
Speaker 4: beige flags and whatever colored flags we want to see
Speaker 4: in someone else, Let's first look at ourselves, right. We
Speaker 4: need to have a solid understanding of who we are
Speaker 4: and how we show up in the world and in
Speaker 4: relation to other people. So I think it is so
Speaker 4: important for us to spend that time doing some self reflection.
Speaker 4: This can happen independently, it can happen through a process
Speaker 4: of seeing a therapist, but it's important to spend that
Speaker 4: time reflecting. So one of the first things I recommend
Speaker 4: anyone to do, if you're dating, if you're single, if
Speaker 4: you're in a relationship.
Speaker 5: Is reflect on yourself. It's all well and good for
Speaker 5: us to talk about the red flags, the green flags,
Speaker 5: the big flags, any colored flags.
Speaker 4: It doesn't matter what color they are. But we need
Speaker 4: to first look in words at ourselves. So the first
Speaker 4: part of being able to successfully date and find a
Speaker 4: partner that will be a good match for us is
Speaker 4: to do that in a reflective work, and then from
Speaker 4: that point on we can figure out who might be
Speaker 4: a good match for us based on what our attachment
Speaker 4: style is, what our values are, and what we want
Speaker 4: in life.
Speaker 3: So what are the kind of questions we should be
Speaker 3: asking ourselves.
Speaker 4: We want to try to understand our attachment style, our
Speaker 4: love language, and how we express and receive love in
Speaker 4: a relationship. So we might ask ourselves questions like, how
Speaker 4: do I show up in a relationship?
Speaker 5: Who am I?
Speaker 4: What parts of my identity come forward when I'm in
Speaker 4: a relationship? What's this like when I'm with my family?
Speaker 4: What part of myself shows up with my family? What
Speaker 4: about with my friends? What about in past relationships? Who
Speaker 4: was I in past relationships? How did I show love?
Speaker 5: How did I.
Speaker 4: Feel love in a relationship? But also what's my model
Speaker 4: for a relationship? Being like, you know, how did my
Speaker 4: parents relate to one another? How was love and care
Speaker 4: and romance expressed in the household and in my family.
Speaker 4: And what did I learn from that? You know, what
Speaker 4: did I observe as a kid growing up watching my
Speaker 4: parents or my family interact with one another and with me.
Speaker 4: So these are pretty big questions, right I don't expect
Speaker 4: people to have answers to these overnight or sit down
Speaker 4: and you know, suddenly write out all the answers to these.
Speaker 4: They take a bit of time for us to reflect on,
Speaker 4: so we can learn about kind of our model for
Speaker 4: relationships from our family. But then we might also want
Speaker 4: to ask ourselves questions like, am I someone who jumps
Speaker 4: in two feet right from the start of a relationship
Speaker 4: and I give all of myself to that other person?
Speaker 5: Am I someone who's super quick to run?
Speaker 4: As soon as I see something that you know, doesn't
Speaker 4: feel like it fits with my life and who I
Speaker 4: am and the life I want to live, I jump
Speaker 4: out really quick.
Speaker 5: Am I someone who gets the ick really easily?
Speaker 6: You know?
Speaker 5: All these questions we can ask ourselves.
Speaker 1: Is ITCK a clinical term?
Speaker 6: No?
Speaker 8: No, no, But I use it because people seem to
Speaker 8: relate to this idea of the ick, something that something
Speaker 8: that's off putting or is a bit of a turn off, right,
Speaker 8: And you know do we jump and run as soon
Speaker 8: as we notice that there.
Speaker 3: Was something you said before love language? Can you tell
Speaker 3: me more about that?
Speaker 4: So the rundown on love languages, it's said that there
Speaker 4: are five main types of love languages.
Speaker 5: So these are the ways that.
Speaker 4: We like to both express love to other people and
Speaker 4: receive love. So the five categories are physical touch, words
Speaker 4: of affirmation, acts of service so doing something for someone else,
Speaker 4: spending quality time together, and then.
Speaker 5: Receiving and giving gifts.
Speaker 4: Right, So what we'll find is that different people will
Speaker 4: have preferences for how they like to express and show
Speaker 4: their love to other people, and there'll be different preferences
Speaker 4: for how we like to receive that as well.
Speaker 3: Okay, you've given us a lot of frameworks which have
Speaker 3: been very helpful.
Speaker 1: What's our homework?
Speaker 5: Two things for homework.
Speaker 4: First of all, go back and listen to those questions
Speaker 4: that help us reflect on who we are and how
Speaker 4: we are in a relationship, and spend some time maybe
Speaker 4: writing journaling around those questions. The second piece of homework
Speaker 4: is for the listeners who aren't sure of what their
Speaker 4: ideal relationship actually looks like. Think of and find a
Speaker 4: model of a relationship two people that you know who
Speaker 4: are in a healthy romantic relationship, and write down a
Speaker 4: list of the qualities that you can identify that that
Speaker 4: relationship has. So not necessarily the qualities of the individual
Speaker 4: people or what the people are like, but the qualities
Speaker 4: the relationship has. So this might be things like they've
Speaker 4: got a great sense of fun and humor when they're together,
Speaker 4: like they've got this great banter that goes on, or
Speaker 4: they've got this great sense of security when they're with
Speaker 4: one another, Like when I see them out in public,
Speaker 4: you know, and I see one of them, they'll speak
Speaker 4: really fondly about the other person even when they're not around, right,
Speaker 4: So write out this list of qualities of what you
Speaker 4: see play out in that relationship. And this can be
Speaker 4: a bit of a guide for you to know what
Speaker 4: you're looking for, because we want to know what we're
Speaker 4: looking for when we're going out on that dating journey
Speaker 4: and world of what qualities we want in a partner,
Speaker 4: but what qualities we want in a relationship. So spend
Speaker 4: some time writing that list out for yourself. And I'm
Speaker 4: also going to say this is not just for the
Speaker 4: women listening. This is for the men as well. We
Speaker 4: can all benefit from these types of exercises of getting
Speaker 4: to know ourselves better and getting a clearer picture of
Speaker 4: what it is we want in a relationship.
Speaker 3: So it's been single actually a really important part of
Speaker 3: breaking relationship patterns.
Speaker 4: Yes and no, there's definitely benefits in spending time being single,
Speaker 4: especially for the people out there who might be the
Speaker 4: serial daters who maybe jump from relationship to relationship or
Speaker 4: are constantly going on dates trying to find that right person.
Speaker 4: There's definitely benefit in spending time with ourselves, getting to
Speaker 4: know ourselves and building that strong sense of independent identity.
Speaker 4: That's what being single can help us do. Build ourselves,
Speaker 4: build our sense of self, our self worth, and our identity.
Speaker 4: And that's really important for any relationship that we show
Speaker 4: up in, whether it's a romantic one, a friendship, our
Speaker 4: relationship with our family. Having a strong sense of self
Speaker 4: is really important. But it's also important for us to
Speaker 4: date and to interact with other people because that's when
Speaker 4: our attachment style is going to show up. That's when
Speaker 4: it's going to get triggered up. If I'm an anxiously
Speaker 4: attached person in relationships. I'm probably not going to feel
Speaker 4: as a anxious when I'm single because I'm not waiting
Speaker 4: for that person to text back or I'm not you know,
Speaker 4: wondering where they are and when they're coming home from
Speaker 4: having drinks with their friends. Right, So, there is something
Speaker 4: important to be said about working with our attachment styles
Speaker 4: when we're in a romantic relationship, because that is when
Speaker 4: it's going to show up.
Speaker 3: After this shortbreak, Anastasia is going to give one of
Speaker 3: you advice on your relationship dilemma. Stay with us, barb,
Speaker 3: barb Bibby, I'm having a serious crisis.
Speaker 4: A BRB having a crisis.
Speaker 3: Welcome back to but are you happy for today's BRB
Speaker 3: Having a Crisis segment?
Speaker 1: I am bringing you Naomi.
Speaker 2: Over the past six months, I've noticed that most of
Speaker 2: the dates that I've been going on haven't really gone.
Speaker 6: Beyond like a one or two night thing.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I'm aware of the situation, like I'll go out
Speaker 2: with a guy even if his dating profile says that
Speaker 2: he's looking for something casual, and even though I'm hoping
Speaker 2: for something more, if we have fun together and the
Speaker 2: conversation's good, then I'd still give it a shot. But
Speaker 2: I end up getting disappointed when it doesn't turn into
Speaker 2: something serious, and then I have one of those light
Speaker 2: bulb moments.
Speaker 6: But then I've also.
Speaker 2: Been ghosted by guys who say they're looking for something
Speaker 2: long term.
Speaker 6: So we go on a few dates, things go.
Speaker 2: Well, we even sleep together, and then suddenly they disappear,
Speaker 2: even though we seem to get along and we were
Speaker 2: on the same page.
Speaker 6: I guess that's just them being shitty. Right. Have I
Speaker 6: been dating the wrong people? And if so, where do
Speaker 6: I find the right ones?
Speaker 3: Oh? This is hard, Anastasia. What advice do you have
Speaker 3: for Naomi?
Speaker 4: Oh, the guys who ghost come on, guys, get it together.
Speaker 5: Can we stop with the ghosting? Is what I want
Speaker 5: to say first up.
Speaker 4: But Naomi, look, I hear you, And the thing is,
Speaker 4: for most of us, sometimes we sacrifice.
Speaker 5: What we truly want for being liked.
Speaker 4: Right, So I'm hearing that there's sometimes a bit of
Speaker 4: a pattern of dating guys who are saying they don't
Speaker 4: want a long term relationship, but it is something that
Speaker 4: you're looking for. So the number one thing I would
Speaker 4: say is don't ever walk into a relationship or a
Speaker 4: dating situation hoping or thinking that we can change the
Speaker 4: other person. We like to think we can change other people,
Speaker 4: and sometimes it would be so nice to be able
Speaker 4: to change other people, but we fundamentally can't. So I
Speaker 4: guess the advice and guidance I would give someone like
Speaker 4: Naomi is again, do that self reflective work. What can
Speaker 4: you change within yourself rather than what can we change
Speaker 4: in other people? And I would encourage you to be
Speaker 4: really clear with yourself and the people you're dating about
Speaker 4: what your hopes and expectations are for a relationship. Now,
Speaker 4: this doesn't have to be something that we completely lay
Speaker 4: on the table on the first dag.
Speaker 5: You know, our five to ten year plan and how
Speaker 5: many children we want.
Speaker 4: I mean, it could be that could be fine too,
Speaker 4: but it doesn't have to be. But have some clarity,
Speaker 4: at least for yourself as to what you're looking for,
Speaker 4: and if it's a long term relationship, make sure that
Speaker 4: you are matching and going on dates with people who
Speaker 4: are saying at the very least that that's what they're
Speaker 4: looking for as well, and have those conversations early. Start
Speaker 4: to suss out in those first few dates if that
Speaker 4: is actually what the other person wants, that is looking for,
Speaker 4: or maybe they think it's what they want, but they're
Speaker 4: not quite sure.
Speaker 6: Right.
Speaker 4: This is a process of gathering information about the other person,
Speaker 4: who they are and what they want, so that we
Speaker 4: can make the best informed decisions for ourselves that we can.
Speaker 3: I have a feeling a lot of people are going
Speaker 3: to be bookmarking this episode and sending it to their friends.
Speaker 3: It's one of those episodes and to saysa, can you
Speaker 3: give us a recap of what we covered today?
Speaker 4: Absolutely, and I actually recommend writing these down and keeping
Speaker 4: them handy when you're about to go on a date.
Speaker 4: So first up, we can't change or control other people,
Speaker 4: but we do have agency over ourselves. Second, know yourself
Speaker 4: and know your attachment style. Third, reflect on the models
Speaker 4: of relationships that you've grown up with. Fourth, when you're dating,
Speaker 4: be the person you want to be in a relationship with.
Speaker 4: Don't try and be liked or desired by the other person.
Speaker 4: And last, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Speaker 3: All such pearls of wisdom, and really they apply to
Speaker 3: all relationships with other people, not just romantic ones.
Speaker 5: One hundred percent.
Speaker 4: Next week, we're diving headfirst into a topic that I
Speaker 4: am very passionate about and that is, how to separate
Speaker 4: the helpful from the harmful on therapy talk and whether
Speaker 4: or not we should be getting mental health advice from
Speaker 4: the influencers out there.
Speaker 3: If you have a burning question, there's a few ways
Speaker 3: to get in touch with us.
Speaker 1: Links in the show notes.
Speaker 4: And remember, while I am a psychologist, this podcast isn't
Speaker 4: a diagnostic tool, and the advice and ideas we present
Speaker 4: here should always take into account your personal history. The
Speaker 4: executive producer of But Are You Happy is Niama Brown.
Speaker 1: Tarlie Blackman is our senior producer.
Speaker 5: Sound design and editing by Jacob Brown.
Speaker 1: I'm a Shany Dante and.
Speaker 4: I'm doctor Anastasia Heronus. The names and stories of people
Speaker 4: discussed have been changed for the purpose of maintaining anonymity.
Speaker 4: If this conversation brought up any difficult feelings for you,
Speaker 4: we have links for more resources in the show notes
Speaker 4: around the topics we discussed today. You can also reach
Speaker 4: out to organizations like Beyond Blue or Lifeline if you're
Speaker 4: wanting more immediate support.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.