WEBVTT - You’re A Bitch, And That’s Why We Lack Community 0:00:10.622 --> 0:00:13.342 You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. 0:00:13.822 --> 0:00:17.182 Mama Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters 0:00:17.222 --> 0:00:18.822 that this podcast is recorded on. 0:00:20.822 --> 0:00:23.982 Welcome to mommea out loud where women come to debrief. 0:00:24.102 --> 0:00:27.022 I am Jesse Stevens, I'm mea Friedman, and I'm m Burnham. 0:00:27.342 --> 0:00:30.222 And here's what we're talking about today, Friday, the fourth 0:00:30.262 --> 0:00:33.622 of July. The trick being used by real estate agents 0:00:33.662 --> 0:00:35.222 that renters have had enough of. 0:00:35.622 --> 0:00:38.382 Plus, you're a bitch and that's why we lack community. 0:00:38.422 --> 0:00:40.822 We are going to unpack the idea of this small 0:00:40.902 --> 0:00:44.222 favor economy and an essay that we all read that 0:00:44.782 --> 0:00:46.582 punch me in the herd a little bit and it 0:00:46.622 --> 0:00:50.382 could change how you think about loneliness and friendship and 0:00:51.142 --> 0:00:52.422 what you're doing with your life. 0:00:52.582 --> 0:00:56.102 And recommendations. Jesse is busting to tell us about a 0:00:56.142 --> 0:00:59.862 documentary with significantly less poop than the last one. Mia 0:00:59.942 --> 0:01:02.742 has just discovered Miss Rachel, and I need to tell 0:01:02.742 --> 0:01:04.901 you about a thirty dollars beauty product that I should 0:01:04.941 --> 0:01:06.101 have tried months ago. 0:01:06.661 --> 0:01:08.542 Before we start the show, though, I want to call 0:01:08.542 --> 0:01:13.702 a little meeting to discuss bitch diesel. We spoke about 0:01:13.702 --> 0:01:16.902 it on the show last week. I can't remember how 0:01:16.902 --> 0:01:18.542 it came up. I don't think you were even here. 0:01:22.702 --> 0:01:24.142 So let's forget who started. 0:01:24.862 --> 0:01:28.382 We gave you credit, Okay, you stated give me credit, 0:01:29.022 --> 0:01:31.542 so to catch people up who might have missed the show. 0:01:31.862 --> 0:01:34.262 Bitch diesel is what people call just what. 0:01:34.222 --> 0:01:36.822 People I can't coin the term. I guess I made 0:01:36.822 --> 0:01:37.662 a FROs. 0:01:38.702 --> 0:01:41.022 You made it famous in our live show. You did 0:01:41.062 --> 0:01:43.982 a little bit and you'd referred to rose, and men 0:01:44.102 --> 0:01:45.102 called cool. 0:01:45.142 --> 0:01:46.181 People call it bitch diesel. 0:01:46.262 --> 0:01:49.622 Okay, So then we started talking about how all these 0:01:49.782 --> 0:01:51.422 celebrities have their own. 0:01:51.462 --> 0:01:54.782 Megan Markle brand new rose coming. I think just this 0:01:54.822 --> 0:01:55.742 week she dropped it. 0:01:56.102 --> 0:01:59.382 Kylie's got a rose. I think Brad Pitt's got a rose. 0:01:59.502 --> 0:02:03.542 That all the cool people have a rose, which got 0:02:03.622 --> 0:02:04.502 us thinking. 0:02:04.342 --> 0:02:07.382 Should we have a rose? And we kind of just said, hey, 0:02:07.462 --> 0:02:13.341 maybe we should. So then we got inundated winemakers, alcohol companies, 0:02:13.382 --> 0:02:16.422 people saying we would like to make this dream come 0:02:16.501 --> 0:02:20.302 true and make out loud bitch diesel. Yes, do you 0:02:20.342 --> 0:02:21.182 think we should do it? 0:02:21.622 --> 0:02:24.621 I'm totally on board. I think this is a community assignment. 0:02:24.622 --> 0:02:27.102 I think what could be fun is that only one 0:02:27.102 --> 0:02:29.422 of us here has any business have we and I 0:02:29.462 --> 0:02:32.382 think I'm going to keep forgetting. Yes, I'll bring the 0:02:32.462 --> 0:02:34.181 vibes and the energy. What are you going to bring them? 0:02:34.262 --> 0:02:37.222 I brought the name, so I'm quite interested in the 0:02:37.382 --> 0:02:38.142 splitting of the. 0:02:38.062 --> 0:02:42.462 Profits Bitch Diesel and the tasting and has some questions 0:02:42.502 --> 0:02:45.982 about IP I think, yeah, I should have had this 0:02:46.022 --> 0:02:47.382 conversation before we did this. 0:02:47.982 --> 0:02:49.181 Clearly true. 0:02:49.462 --> 0:02:51.742 So there's all these things to consider. Also whether the 0:02:51.742 --> 0:02:54.982 word bitch is a problem or are we reclaiming it? Oh? 0:02:55.022 --> 0:02:55.422 I love it. 0:02:55.462 --> 0:02:55.862 I love it. 0:02:55.862 --> 0:02:56.902 Okay, we've reclaimed it. 0:02:57.022 --> 0:02:57.822 Let's bring me out loud. 0:02:57.822 --> 0:03:00.302 That's going to taste good, So let's out loud. As 0:03:00.302 --> 0:03:04.661 We're going to venture ahead into this new world of 0:03:05.382 --> 0:03:09.062 Bitch Diesel and launching our own rose potentially. We will 0:03:09.142 --> 0:03:13.062 keep you updated with regular installments, and I'm going to 0:03:13.102 --> 0:03:15.542 teach these bitches how to start a business. 0:03:16.382 --> 0:03:17.902 So oh, free learning. 0:03:18.022 --> 0:03:19.501 Maybe by the end of it, Jesse, you will be 0:03:19.542 --> 0:03:21.182 able to pronounce the word entrepreneur. 0:03:21.502 --> 0:03:22.382 No, I still can't. 0:03:23.462 --> 0:03:25.942 In case you miss it, there is some new lingo 0:03:26.142 --> 0:03:27.902 in twenty twenty five that I need to talk to 0:03:27.902 --> 0:03:30.902 you guys about because I'm tired of saying phrases and 0:03:31.022 --> 0:03:33.222 neither of you two understand what I'm saying. 0:03:33.582 --> 0:03:35.742 I thought we did very good fake faces where we 0:03:35.782 --> 0:03:37.502 act like we're going along with it, but we have 0:03:37.662 --> 0:03:38.942 no idea what you're talking about. 0:03:39.022 --> 0:03:41.302 I like to make this some regular segment because you know, 0:03:41.342 --> 0:03:45.622 when you become aware that you are not using current lingo, Yeah, 0:03:45.942 --> 0:03:51.502 like the word lingo for example. So I'm here for 0:03:51.542 --> 0:03:54.102 this to learn some more some language. 0:03:54.142 --> 0:03:56.662 Okay, So in today's lesson, we're going to go over 0:03:56.782 --> 0:03:59.502 two phrases. And now I don't want you to take 0:03:59.542 --> 0:04:01.502 because I know what you guys do. You take these 0:04:01.502 --> 0:04:03.582 phrases and you just run wild with them and you 0:04:03.702 --> 0:04:06.142 use them all the time until they become uncol and 0:04:06.182 --> 0:04:07.182 you keep using them. 0:04:07.102 --> 0:04:09.342 Like skibbity toilet. I've only guess stoped. We're done. 0:04:09.582 --> 0:04:11.742 We're done with skimney toilet. We're done with that. 0:04:12.182 --> 0:04:14.782 The first phrase I want to go over is crashing out. 0:04:15.302 --> 0:04:16.462 Have you heard of this term? 0:04:16.582 --> 0:04:18.662 On TikTok they're always talking about crashing out. 0:04:18.942 --> 0:04:19.701 Yes, you're close. 0:04:19.782 --> 0:04:22.421 So crashing out is the new nervy bee, like a 0:04:22.462 --> 0:04:25.662 nervous breakdown. So it means when you're about to have 0:04:25.702 --> 0:04:30.021 some sort of emotional or physical breakdown. It's basically crashing out, 0:04:30.621 --> 0:04:32.741 not to be So the tense is really important here 0:04:32.782 --> 0:04:35.181 because you know how sometimes I'll be like, hey, Mia, 0:04:35.381 --> 0:04:37.181 what did you do when you got home last night? 0:04:37.181 --> 0:04:38.541 And you're like, oh, I just went to bed and 0:04:38.582 --> 0:04:39.062 crashed out. 0:04:39.101 --> 0:04:41.662 That's different. That means I'm just going to bed. I'm tired. 0:04:42.022 --> 0:04:44.101 But if you were to say I went home and 0:04:44.181 --> 0:04:47.621 I was crashing out or I'm about to crash out, 0:04:47.861 --> 0:04:51.821 I'm like, oh, burnout. If you don't address this right now, something. 0:04:51.501 --> 0:04:52.061 Could go right. 0:04:52.101 --> 0:04:55.501 So this is when jen z have a feeling, Okay. 0:04:56.381 --> 0:04:59.421 I'm crashing out. I think I've been crashing out for 0:04:59.621 --> 0:05:01.941 almost twenty years. Is that a thing that could be true? 0:05:01.981 --> 0:05:03.182 No, I think that's just burnout. 0:05:03.501 --> 0:05:05.182 I think crashing out is like really in the. 0:05:05.181 --> 0:05:08.782 Moment, like it's happening right now, and you're running on 0:05:08.821 --> 0:05:10.981 an empty tank, and if you don't address it right now, 0:05:11.101 --> 0:05:11.821 then something bad. 0:05:11.821 --> 0:05:15.302 All right, So millennials would call this losing your shit, wigging. 0:05:14.981 --> 0:05:16.101 Out, I'm having a breakdown. 0:05:16.181 --> 0:05:18.342 Yeah, yeah, all that, and some of the language that 0:05:18.342 --> 0:05:20.541 we use around this not very politically correct, not very 0:05:20.582 --> 0:05:23.022 sensitive to people with legitimate mental illnesses. So I think 0:05:23.061 --> 0:05:25.861 crashing out is a way to say it that is sensitive. 0:05:26.142 --> 0:05:26.382 Yeah. 0:05:26.421 --> 0:05:28.821 And so instead of saying I'm having a mentibe having 0:05:28.861 --> 0:05:31.342 a nerve bee, we say I'm crashing yeah. H. 0:05:31.342 --> 0:05:33.022 You can say about someone else like oh, I feel 0:05:33.022 --> 0:05:34.861 like you're crashing out right now, and you'll be like, yeah, 0:05:34.902 --> 0:05:35.421 I feel it. 0:05:35.462 --> 0:05:35.861 Okay. 0:05:36.222 --> 0:05:39.861 The next phrase I want to go over is locking in. 0:05:40.181 --> 0:05:41.942 I've been hearing this one around quite a bit. 0:05:42.101 --> 0:05:42.381 Okay. 0:05:42.421 --> 0:05:45.462 So locking in means putting extreme focus on a single 0:05:45.541 --> 0:05:48.022 task and ignoring all other distractions. 0:05:48.981 --> 0:05:51.501 Is when gen Z puts their phone down. I feel 0:05:51.501 --> 0:05:52.061 like gen. 0:05:51.941 --> 0:05:56.581 Z ONCEHD takes their meds yes, yes, or is just 0:05:56.662 --> 0:05:58.902 very interested in something even if you haven't taken your medal. 0:05:58.941 --> 0:06:00.581 I was reading about this though, and it's like I 0:06:00.621 --> 0:06:02.342 locked in and cleaned my room. I was like, no, 0:06:02.421 --> 0:06:04.222 you just did a job. You just put your phone 0:06:04.222 --> 0:06:07.182 out and you made a meal, and now in a 0:06:07.262 --> 0:06:07.582 locked in. 0:06:07.861 --> 0:06:10.382 No, it actually works like locked into something I tell 0:06:10.421 --> 0:06:12.661 myself all the time. If I'm meant to be writing 0:06:12.702 --> 0:06:15.342 an article, don't tell my boss, ma'am, don't listen. If 0:06:15.342 --> 0:06:16.941 I'm meant to be writing an article but I'm scrolling 0:06:16.941 --> 0:06:19.621 my phone, I literally go to myself lock in, bitch. 0:06:19.421 --> 0:06:21.502 And then I'll just start writing my article like that. 0:06:22.861 --> 0:06:24.662 And you're on your computer and someone comes up to 0:06:24.662 --> 0:06:25.941 talk to you, I'll be like, she's locked in. 0:06:26.142 --> 0:06:28.782 Doesn't matter what tense I use, doesn't matter. I can 0:06:28.782 --> 0:06:30.141 say locked in, locking. 0:06:29.861 --> 0:06:32.702 In, locking in, yeah, lock in, Okay, So now I'm 0:06:32.702 --> 0:06:35.022 going to lock in and continue the rest of this episode. 0:06:35.142 --> 0:06:35.501 Love it. 0:06:36.421 --> 0:06:39.462 There's a new kind of selfishness that masquerades as healing. 0:06:39.741 --> 0:06:42.781 It wears skin care and cancelations like armor. It calls 0:06:42.821 --> 0:06:46.342 everything a boundary and nothing a bridge. You know, the type. 0:06:46.342 --> 0:06:48.381 They won't come to your dinner because they're listening to 0:06:48.421 --> 0:06:51.222 their body, but they'll watch three hours of tiktoks alone 0:06:51.381 --> 0:06:54.141 and call it self care. They believe they're owed the 0:06:54.181 --> 0:06:57.662 fruits of community without ever touching the soil. No awkward 0:06:57.662 --> 0:07:01.022 small talk, no showing up early or staying late, just vibes. 0:07:01.501 --> 0:07:04.621 They think putting themselves first is some kind of moral 0:07:04.741 --> 0:07:07.541 high ground. But what they don't realize is that when 0:07:07.582 --> 0:07:12.302 everyone chooses themselves, no one chooses each other. And that's 0:07:12.342 --> 0:07:14.701 how the world ends, not with a bang, but with 0:07:14.821 --> 0:07:18.862 a thousand unopened invitations. These are the words of a 0:07:18.902 --> 0:07:22.262 writer called Maser who has a newsletter called Personal Scriptures, 0:07:22.422 --> 0:07:26.342 and producer Ruth put this into our consideration set to 0:07:26.381 --> 0:07:27.302 talk about on the show. 0:07:27.381 --> 0:07:28.702 Do you think she's trying to tell us that we're 0:07:28.742 --> 0:07:29.141 a bitch? 0:07:29.302 --> 0:07:31.622 Well, the newsletter was called You're a bitch, that's why 0:07:31.622 --> 0:07:32.341 we lack community. 0:07:32.422 --> 0:07:33.582 Yeah, I don't want to get sent back. 0:07:34.182 --> 0:07:38.902 It immediately got me and it is the most extraordinary 0:07:39.622 --> 0:07:43.982 piece about Yeah, this idea of we all complained about community. 0:07:43.982 --> 0:07:46.622 We all complain that we're lonely, but none of us 0:07:46.662 --> 0:07:49.661 want to inconvenience ourselves to show up for someone else 0:07:49.982 --> 0:07:52.902 or help someone else, or do anything that's out of 0:07:52.941 --> 0:07:54.422 our comfort zone. You know. 0:07:54.662 --> 0:07:55.342 We have a lot of. 0:07:55.262 --> 0:07:58.022 Talk about boundaries. And after I read that, there were 0:07:58.062 --> 0:08:01.182 two other things that I saw this week which sort 0:08:01.182 --> 0:08:04.021 of I want to unpack all of them together. One 0:08:04.102 --> 0:08:07.141 was a TikTok about the small favor economy, which also 0:08:07.222 --> 0:08:09.262 relates to this idea of community. 0:08:09.662 --> 0:08:11.462 Listen, I think it's okay to ask your friends for 0:08:11.502 --> 0:08:14.022 ride to the airport, even lax, even at rush hour. 0:08:14.102 --> 0:08:16.942 And actually it's more than okay. It's radical because there's 0:08:16.982 --> 0:08:18.941 this thing called the small favors economy and the idea 0:08:19.022 --> 0:08:21.422 is essentially that in the past, people used to rely 0:08:21.502 --> 0:08:23.982 on their community, their network, their neighbors for small favors, 0:08:24.022 --> 0:08:25.941 things like rides to the airport, things like a cup 0:08:25.982 --> 0:08:28.341 of sugar, things like borrowing a dress for an event. 0:08:28.582 --> 0:08:32.542 But now with late stage capitalism, those things all seem 0:08:32.622 --> 0:08:34.662 like rude for us to ask, because we could just 0:08:34.702 --> 0:08:36.862 do them ourselves, Like we could just call an uber 0:08:36.902 --> 0:08:38.901 instead of inconveniencing a friend, or we could order a 0:08:39.022 --> 0:08:40.901 dress on Amazon and have it get there tomorrow, or 0:08:40.942 --> 0:08:43.182 we could like post made our groceries instead of like 0:08:43.222 --> 0:08:45.702 asking around if anyone has anything. And that's actually really 0:08:45.702 --> 0:08:48.342 bad because it drives us further into isolation from each 0:08:48.342 --> 0:08:50.582 other and from our friends, which is good for literally 0:08:50.622 --> 0:08:52.142 no one except for the people who are trying to 0:08:52.142 --> 0:08:53.542 sell us stuff on our phones. 0:08:53.742 --> 0:08:55.822 It's a little bit longer, but that's just the crux 0:08:55.862 --> 0:08:58.662 of it. That's a digital strategist and content cretic called 0:08:58.702 --> 0:09:01.902 Amelia Montooth. And then I read this story in The 0:09:01.902 --> 0:09:04.902 Atlantic about how a wedding is a real test of 0:09:04.942 --> 0:09:08.462 how many people will help you and how big events 0:09:08.462 --> 0:09:12.782 in life, whether it's you know, a breakup or funeral 0:09:12.822 --> 0:09:16.062 law or a wedding. You then really see people will 0:09:16.062 --> 0:09:18.582 offer help, and it's a really good idea to accept 0:09:18.782 --> 0:09:19.302 that help. 0:09:19.742 --> 0:09:22.942 So the TikTok In particular, what she's talking about is 0:09:23.062 --> 0:09:28.182 a studied psychological phenomenon called the Ben Franklin effect. The 0:09:28.182 --> 0:09:31.782 Ben Franklin effect is the idea that people like you 0:09:31.902 --> 0:09:35.342 more when they do you a favor. So it's like 0:09:35.382 --> 0:09:36.382 a psychological trick. 0:09:36.462 --> 0:09:36.662 Right. 0:09:36.822 --> 0:09:40.182 I walk into work and I say, am, I am 0:09:40.422 --> 0:09:42.302 running so late. I've got this segment that I meant 0:09:42.302 --> 0:09:45.102 to prepare for. Can you just write me a few notes? 0:09:45.542 --> 0:09:47.942 They wonder if it's because of cognitive dissonance, which is, 0:09:47.982 --> 0:09:50.982 if you're sitting at your desk doing my notes for me, 0:09:51.302 --> 0:09:54.102 then you're thinking, I must really like Jesse, Like, if 0:09:54.102 --> 0:09:55.542 I'm doing this, I must really like her. 0:09:55.622 --> 0:09:58.142 Can I say I must really like Jesse while also 0:09:58.142 --> 0:09:59.502 saying God, this lazy bitch. 0:09:59.702 --> 0:10:01.702 Well, that's the thing is, I think we all assume 0:10:01.782 --> 0:10:04.142 that people are going to resent us because we've asked 0:10:04.182 --> 0:10:04.942 them to do a favor. 0:10:05.102 --> 0:10:07.381 Surely, resentment kicks in after a certain. 0:10:07.142 --> 0:10:11.262 Pouse, exactly after a certain inflection point, but generally speaking. 0:10:10.902 --> 0:10:12.381 That inflection point's called married. 0:10:12.822 --> 0:10:15.742 We really enjoy doing favors for each other. People really 0:10:15.862 --> 0:10:20.182 enjoy it. They like feeling helpful. There's also something called 0:10:20.342 --> 0:10:24.342 reciprocity of liking is what the phenomenon's called. And basically, 0:10:24.382 --> 0:10:26.942 if mea thinks I like her, then she's more likely 0:10:26.982 --> 0:10:28.942 to like me. And when you ask someone for a favor, 0:10:28.942 --> 0:10:30.302 often it suggests that they like you. 0:10:30.382 --> 0:10:31.542 So it's an intimacy. 0:10:31.662 --> 0:10:33.142 It's a real level of trust. 0:10:33.542 --> 0:10:36.422 It is. And what I thought was amazing about both 0:10:36.462 --> 0:10:40.222 the essay by Maser and this TikTok by Amelia was 0:10:40.822 --> 0:10:44.022 this idea of how capitalism is robbing us of this, 0:10:44.542 --> 0:10:49.902 how we've commoditized community air Tasker to Uber, to Amazon, 0:10:49.982 --> 0:10:53.902 to all of these enormous corporations, and so we've stopped 0:10:53.942 --> 0:10:57.222 asking each other for favors, and we've stopped offering to 0:10:57.262 --> 0:11:00.062 do things for other people. Yeah, even making a meal. 0:11:00.182 --> 0:11:01.942 We now can just go and buy something. 0:11:02.262 --> 0:11:05.342 I wonder if the essay is less about capitalism but 0:11:05.422 --> 0:11:08.822 more about just how society has changed in the way 0:11:08.902 --> 0:11:12.502 where at a point we used to be embarrassed for 0:11:12.622 --> 0:11:14.982 having to cancel plans or not want to go out 0:11:15.062 --> 0:11:17.782 and not want to see people, and now it's just 0:11:17.862 --> 0:11:21.262 so common to accept an excuse like, Hey, I'm actually 0:11:21.262 --> 0:11:23.462 feeling really really tired, do you mind if I just 0:11:23.502 --> 0:11:25.822 stay home today? Like people are just being so so 0:11:25.982 --> 0:11:27.582 honest to why they don't want to go out. 0:11:27.742 --> 0:11:30.222 But don't you think that that has been I'm going 0:11:30.262 --> 0:11:33.342 to say selfishness in air quotes. But this idea of 0:11:33.382 --> 0:11:37.622 putting yourself first always has become this moral high ground, 0:11:37.702 --> 0:11:40.142 as if by putting myself first, I'm actually doing something 0:11:40.262 --> 0:11:41.262 really great. 0:11:41.502 --> 0:11:42.262 As a person. 0:11:42.302 --> 0:11:44.022 If you're going to do that exactly what you said 0:11:44.062 --> 0:11:46.702 before me, and when you do it over and over again, 0:11:47.142 --> 0:11:50.102 because it's good to put yourself first, but that means 0:11:50.102 --> 0:11:52.862 you're putting someone else last, and it's usually the person 0:11:52.902 --> 0:11:54.862 that you're either canceling on or you said you're going 0:11:54.902 --> 0:11:56.902 to make plans with and you don't want to see anymore. 0:11:57.502 --> 0:11:59.302 I feel like everyone will have a person in their 0:11:59.302 --> 0:12:00.982 life who they used to be friends with, and then 0:12:01.022 --> 0:12:03.542 the same person will just cancel and cancel and cancel, 0:12:03.942 --> 0:12:06.261 and you might keep inviting them out again, but you're 0:12:06.302 --> 0:12:09.862 less likely to coming to the wedding example, you're less 0:12:09.902 --> 0:12:11.702 likely to lean on them for help because you're so 0:12:11.742 --> 0:12:13.502 scared that they're going to cancel on you and not 0:12:13.542 --> 0:12:16.142 show up, you're less likely to If you have an 0:12:16.182 --> 0:12:18.102 extra ticket to an event, you're less likely to invite 0:12:18.142 --> 0:12:20.982 them because it's also that same fear of constant rejection 0:12:21.102 --> 0:12:23.462 you're getting from a person. And I think it also 0:12:23.502 --> 0:12:26.302 comes down to when you are canceling plans and like 0:12:26.342 --> 0:12:28.462 the essays said, you will cancel and you'll stay at 0:12:28.502 --> 0:12:31.102 home and either doom scroll TikTok, or you'll just watch 0:12:31.142 --> 0:12:34.381 the TV show and repeat. If you are still living 0:12:34.422 --> 0:12:36.622 with other people, like if you live with a partner, 0:12:36.822 --> 0:12:38.862 or you have pets, or you have kids, or you 0:12:38.902 --> 0:12:42.822 have housemates, you're still inadvertently getting that sense of community. 0:12:43.422 --> 0:12:45.422 The person who's not getting that sense of the community 0:12:45.462 --> 0:12:46.982 is a person who lives alone that you could have 0:12:47.022 --> 0:12:49.902 canceled on. And this is something that I've had to 0:12:50.102 --> 0:12:52.182 go over and over in my head because I do 0:12:52.262 --> 0:12:55.062 live alone. Around twenty eight percent of the Australian population 0:12:55.182 --> 0:12:57.062 lives alone, and it's more common for people who live 0:12:57.062 --> 0:13:00.022 alone to have depression. That for me, whenever I cancel 0:13:00.022 --> 0:13:02.422 plans because I want to be alone at home, it's 0:13:02.422 --> 0:13:04.982 a signal for me that I'm going into that depressive state, 0:13:05.102 --> 0:13:08.062 especially if I repeat it over and over again. And 0:13:08.142 --> 0:13:11.462 whenever someone cancel plans on me constantly to hang out 0:13:11.502 --> 0:13:13.622 by themselves at home, even though they might be with 0:13:13.702 --> 0:13:16.302 other people that they live with, they don't realize that 0:13:16.382 --> 0:13:18.342 I don't have that sense of community, and I actually 0:13:18.422 --> 0:13:22.382 need to physically keep going to achieve that and find that. 0:13:21.902 --> 0:13:25.182 That's so true because we're also not very good at 0:13:25.222 --> 0:13:28.462 knowing or predicting what will make us happy. So I've 0:13:28.622 --> 0:13:31.422 talked before. I remember we did a no Filter probably 0:13:31.462 --> 0:13:33.982 two years ago now Maya, where I spoke about depression 0:13:33.982 --> 0:13:37.342 and how the nature of depression is that you feel 0:13:37.342 --> 0:13:39.982 pulled towards doing things that are going to make you 0:13:40.022 --> 0:13:43.261 more unhappy. And people in my family who who the 0:13:43.342 --> 0:13:46.062 truth depression for a long time say the trick is 0:13:46.102 --> 0:13:47.982 doing the opposite of what you feel like doing. So 0:13:47.982 --> 0:13:49.862 if you feel like laying in bed all day, get up. 0:13:49.862 --> 0:13:51.742 If you don't feel like eating, eat that sort of thing. 0:13:52.262 --> 0:13:55.182 And so when we sit at home and we think 0:13:55.382 --> 0:13:57.382 I really don't want to go out, I think I'm 0:13:57.382 --> 0:14:00.982 gonna put myself first or whatever that language is, then 0:14:01.342 --> 0:14:04.742 often that's just going to lead to us feeling worse. 0:14:05.182 --> 0:14:07.742 And I don't think that any of this is because 0:14:08.222 --> 0:14:10.022 you're a bitch. That's the one thing that I kind 0:14:10.022 --> 0:14:12.542 of took issue. I know that it's a really great headliner. 0:14:12.662 --> 0:14:14.902 I don't think anyone is a bitch. Well, I do. 0:14:15.022 --> 0:14:17.422 I could probably name a few bitches, but not generally. 0:14:18.142 --> 0:14:20.542 I just think we live in a culture that privileges 0:14:20.782 --> 0:14:24.662 self reliance and independence, and any studies that are done 0:14:24.822 --> 0:14:28.662 on cultures that have more of a collectivist approach and 0:14:29.102 --> 0:14:32.262 understand themselves to be part of a whole, they approach 0:14:32.302 --> 0:14:35.262 it really differently. They do feel more comfortable asking for favors, 0:14:35.342 --> 0:14:39.542 and there's often greater satisfaction and happiness because we don't 0:14:39.542 --> 0:14:40.502 feel so isolated. 0:14:40.782 --> 0:14:42.862 I have never had a plan that I didn't want 0:14:42.902 --> 0:14:45.982 to cancel. I've never had a holiday that I didn't 0:14:45.982 --> 0:14:48.662 want to cancel or come home early from like almost never. 0:14:49.582 --> 0:14:53.582 And I wonder if it's a symptom. Particularly lately, I've 0:14:53.622 --> 0:14:57.702 found myself more and more shut in, and I wonder 0:14:57.742 --> 0:15:02.902 if there's it's probably no coincidence that the world feels 0:15:03.022 --> 0:15:06.062 very scary at the moment, both from a big picture 0:15:06.542 --> 0:15:10.382 sort of geopolitical sense and wars and what's going on 0:15:10.462 --> 0:15:14.142 in Gaza and Israel and Iran and everything, and just 0:15:14.182 --> 0:15:17.902 also there's the general situation around America and Trump and 0:15:17.942 --> 0:15:21.502 the way he's turned the world into chaos. But also 0:15:21.582 --> 0:15:24.982 closer to home, I've experienced some sort of a lot 0:15:25.022 --> 0:15:31.022 of scrutiny and attention lately, and sometimes everything feels quite unsafe, 0:15:31.382 --> 0:15:33.822 so I want to just stay home. It's like my 0:15:33.862 --> 0:15:36.582 body goes into fight or flight and it's like it's 0:15:36.582 --> 0:15:39.182 not safe out there. Just stay home, just stay contained 0:15:39.262 --> 0:15:42.902 in a small space. But when I do push myself 0:15:43.142 --> 0:15:45.782 to go out, I always I am so glad that I did. 0:15:46.182 --> 0:15:49.022 And the question is what you then do when you 0:15:49.062 --> 0:15:51.822 are at home alone, is pick up the phone and 0:15:51.822 --> 0:15:53.902 look at things that are going to reinforce the sense. 0:15:54.862 --> 0:15:57.462 It's not like I sit home and meditate or look 0:15:57.462 --> 0:16:01.342 at the garden, or read a book or enrich myself. 0:16:01.382 --> 0:16:05.062 You're right, I end up doom scrolling and perpetuating. Well, 0:16:05.062 --> 0:16:07.142 I do perpetuate this fight or flight response. 0:16:07.222 --> 0:16:09.862 Do you think as well that we're addicted, quite literally 0:16:09.862 --> 0:16:13.102 addicted to convenience. So what we were saying before about 0:16:13.222 --> 0:16:14.982 you don't have milk, I'll jump onto an app. You 0:16:14.982 --> 0:16:16.502 can get it in fifteen minutes. This is if you 0:16:16.542 --> 0:16:18.702 live in cities there's a lot of listeners who don't 0:16:18.702 --> 0:16:22.062 have that. But even like addicted to the control of 0:16:22.102 --> 0:16:24.022 knowing what the weather's going to be tomorrow, all that 0:16:24.102 --> 0:16:25.062 kind of stuff. 0:16:24.782 --> 0:16:29.382 Our muscle for dealing with inconvenience or discomfort or delayed gratification. 0:16:29.462 --> 0:16:31.222 So we is so flabby. 0:16:31.302 --> 0:16:34.022 So I have someone who's very close to being and 0:16:34.422 --> 0:16:36.702 I will say, hey, I want to go visit this 0:16:36.822 --> 0:16:39.902 friend over the weekend, and this person will go, oh, 0:16:39.982 --> 0:16:42.422 abo's thirty minutes in the car. That's inconvenient. And I 0:16:42.502 --> 0:16:45.182 keep saying relationships are inconvenience. 0:16:45.262 --> 0:16:45.942 That's all out. 0:16:46.702 --> 0:16:50.142 They are incredibly inconvenient. And a relationship built just on 0:16:50.302 --> 0:16:54.302 mutual convenience isn't really a relationship with any depth. There 0:16:54.342 --> 0:16:56.702 was a great line in that article that was as 0:16:56.702 --> 0:16:59.582 if connection isn't made of small, tiring and glamorous acts, 0:16:59.622 --> 0:17:01.942 And that's so true. It's like you've got yourself out. 0:17:02.062 --> 0:17:05.782 Inconvenience is the tax that you pay for community and relationship, right, 0:17:05.862 --> 0:17:10.182 whether it's friendship or whatever. If you're never ever doing 0:17:10.222 --> 0:17:13.741 something that makes you uncomfortable or inconvenienced, you may as 0:17:13.742 --> 0:17:15.661 well just live in solitary confinement. 0:17:15.782 --> 0:17:17.381 Surely, it's also. 0:17:17.262 --> 0:17:19.942 Like really sad that it always comes with an element 0:17:20.022 --> 0:17:22.861 of surprise when someone does want to do something for you, 0:17:22.942 --> 0:17:26.101 like yeah, with weddings and funerals, like you're always so shocked, 0:17:26.101 --> 0:17:28.381 like I can't believe she sent so many flowers. I 0:17:28.422 --> 0:17:30.701 can't believe she just took over the booklet and the 0:17:30.742 --> 0:17:34.141 planning and everything, when sometimes I'm just like, that should 0:17:34.182 --> 0:17:34.621 be a given. 0:17:34.742 --> 0:17:36.222 Do you know that the people in your life should 0:17:36.222 --> 0:17:40.142 be doing research around this? People dramatically underestimate others' willingness 0:17:40.222 --> 0:17:42.502 to help exactly what you say, by as much as 0:17:42.542 --> 0:17:43.302 fifty percent. 0:17:43.782 --> 0:17:44.702 That seems like a lot. 0:17:44.782 --> 0:17:50.421 Yeah, And we always overestimate how inconvenient a requests will be. Fathers. 0:17:50.621 --> 0:17:52.502 I have a friend who just had a baby, and 0:17:52.542 --> 0:17:54.302 she had a commitment that she had to do, and 0:17:54.341 --> 0:17:56.462