Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother Mea podcast. Muma Mea acknowledges
Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters.
Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on.
Speaker 1: Freedom. There's nothing quite like it. That's probably why George Michael,
Speaker 1: for Eh Williams, and John Batiste all have songs about it.
Speaker 1: But today we're talking about freedom in a relationship that
Speaker 1: glorious feeling, especially at the beginning of a new romance,
Speaker 1: when everything feels light, electric and full of possibility.
Speaker 2: I had finally met somebody that was way beyond my
Speaker 2: energy levels, and he was like a real revel without
Speaker 2: a cause, you know, just seemed really alive and passionate
Speaker 2: and interested and interesting, had lots to say, loved engaging
Speaker 2: in conversation. He would be very flattering about what I'd done,
Speaker 2: and he's like, you know, you seem like you really
Speaker 2: live your life, like you really do so much and
Speaker 2: you get to live your life. And he was very
Speaker 2: flattering of that, and I also felt the same about him.
Speaker 1: But what George Michael didn't get into was that freedom
Speaker 1: can easily be taken for granted, and like everything, there's
Speaker 1: no guarantee it will last forever. If for when that
Speaker 1: sense of freedom starts to slip away in a relationship,
Speaker 1: the consequences don't always just hunt you. They can start
Speaker 1: a ripple, affecting everything and everyone around you.
Speaker 2: I was no longer traveling. I was now stuck in
Speaker 2: the house with him, and when I would go travel,
Speaker 2: he would ghost me. There was a court ordered psych
Speaker 2: evaluation that ended up sort of saying that he prescribed
Speaker 2: him antipsychotics because he really was loose. He was super wild.
Speaker 2: But you know what I originally loved about him was
Speaker 2: now turning into something that was really toxic about him.
Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex
Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet June,
Speaker 1: a bona fide boss lady who had built her own
Speaker 1: events business, but at age thirty two, found herself standing
Speaker 1: at a bit of a crossroads.
Speaker 2: I had been single for quite a long time, but
Speaker 2: my previous relationship had really really burnt me. And the
Speaker 2: reason why is because I've been running my own business
Speaker 2: for the last ten years and I chose my business
Speaker 2: over the relationship, and that really stung. And you know,
Speaker 2: I said to myself that the next time I have
Speaker 2: the opportunity to make that decision, I would choose the relationship,
Speaker 2: not the business. I'd been single for a really long time,
Speaker 2: and I was at this point where I was really
Speaker 2: desperate to pair up with somebody. I really wanted a relationship,
Speaker 2: and I was putting myself out there and I just
Speaker 2: wasn't finding the one.
Speaker 1: And then a blast from the past did the old
Speaker 1: DM slide.
Speaker 2: I knew Zach from before, maybe when I was in
Speaker 2: my young twenties. We had circulated in the same group
Speaker 2: of people, and he was always somebody that had really
Speaker 2: captured my I and imagination. He was incredibly handsome at
Speaker 2: this stage now at thirty two, where I have really
Speaker 2: had my feelers out to see who was out there,
Speaker 2: and I spent plenty of time on social media and
Speaker 2: I do a lot of content making, and he was
Speaker 2: starting to repeat himself in my DMS, and I really
Speaker 2: had written him off as somebody that I wanted to
Speaker 2: communicate with. But over time I think that we were
Speaker 2: having pleasant conversations and I was like, oh, you know,
Speaker 2: where are you? What are you doing now? I just
Speaker 2: put on an event and I was looking for another
Speaker 2: location to put the event on, and you know, I
Speaker 2: look for rural locations, and so I was curious as
Speaker 2: to where he was because it seemed like he was
Speaker 2: on a cattle farm. And I was, okay, great, like,
Speaker 2: where are you? Like, what are the roads like up there?
Speaker 2: And so I guess, you know, if I was honest
Speaker 2: with myself, it was probably under the guise of wanting
Speaker 2: to see him and see what he was up to.
Speaker 2: But so I traveled up to where he was, and
Speaker 2: at the time, I was very transient. I could live
Speaker 2: in my van, so I was on the road a lot.
Speaker 2: So I sort of took myself up there and met
Speaker 2: up with him, and from that moment, I was just like, wow,
Speaker 2: the same. I was so captivated, just like I was
Speaker 2: at the beginning when I knew him all those years ago.
Speaker 2: He was such a huge personality. And I also had
Speaker 2: this I love of big, dramatic people, like I loved
Speaker 2: big characters and interesting people, and he absolutely was that.
Speaker 2: When I when I first saw him again.
Speaker 1: The attraction was there, and from that very moment they reconnected.
Speaker 1: There truly was just something about Zach. He was high energy, fun,
Speaker 1: gorgeous and a little adventurous and June was totally into it.
Speaker 2: He was very fast paced, very like walks over there
Speaker 2: and he gets something done, tinker's with something over here,
Speaker 2: and then he walks over there. And the way that
Speaker 2: he drove, He's had such characteristic cars, and he loved
Speaker 2: old cars and used to because you know, he lived
Speaker 2: on a cattle farm and there was plenty of space
Speaker 2: out there, lots of room. So you know, we would
Speaker 2: rally drive the car down to the tip where we
Speaker 2: would unload all the rubbish to the tip, and would
Speaker 2: I get to drive the rally car back to the
Speaker 2: house and you know, the floor had eroded out of
Speaker 2: this car, and like all of these really exciting things
Speaker 2: that we would do. And we'd go far driving out
Speaker 2: the back of the property and on motorbikes. And he
Speaker 2: had just this immense energy, always for activities and stuff
Speaker 2: to do. And I really share that. And I've always
Speaker 2: interacted with people that didn't have as much energy as
Speaker 2: I did. And I had finally met somebody that was
Speaker 2: way beyond my energy levels. I thought, wow, this is
Speaker 2: a powerful man because of just how much energy he had.
Speaker 2: And he was like a real rebel without a cause,
Speaker 2: you know, just seemed really alive and passionate and interested
Speaker 2: and interesting, had lots to say, loved engaging in conversation.
Speaker 2: He had followed me on Instagram through all of these years,
Speaker 2: so he knew a lot about my life, and so
Speaker 2: you know, he would ask lots of questions and he
Speaker 2: would be very flattering about what I'd done, and he's like,
Speaker 2: you know, you seem like you really really live your life,
Speaker 2: like you really do so much and you get to
Speaker 2: live your life. And it was very flattering of that.
Speaker 2: And I also felt the same about him. I was like, wow,
Speaker 2: you you totally you're a tornado around here. So it
Speaker 2: was real, like a real strong connection for me.
Speaker 1: Now they hadn't crossed into romance just yet, but the
Speaker 1: signs were unmistakable. Things were definitely heading that way. So
Speaker 1: for June, that made leaving incredibly difficult.
Speaker 2: I would stay for longer and longer, and I would
Speaker 2: use the opportunities to continue to suss out the area
Speaker 2: for this next event. And he lived by himself there,
Speaker 2: so I just kept on staying. I felt really welcome,
Speaker 2: you know, like we were doing tasks around the farm.
Speaker 2: I was learning all these new skills, and I felt welcome.
Speaker 2: So I just kept on staying longer and longer periods,
Speaker 2: and occasionally I would go home, but I just kept
Speaker 2: on coming back. I was staying in the spare room
Speaker 2: for quite a while, and he didn't have his sheets
Speaker 2: on his bed, like he was always in his room whatever.
Speaker 2: I was in this spare room, and I think it
Speaker 2: would probably take maybe six weeks of me really spending
Speaker 2: time together. Then suddenly one day's like, oh, my my
Speaker 2: sheets are in the wash. Can I can I come
Speaker 2: into your room? And like He's like, no funny business,
Speaker 2: I just need to be in here logistically, And I
Speaker 2: was like, yeah, that's fine. And he cuddled me and
Speaker 2: put his arm around me, and I said to myself,
Speaker 2: I was like, this is the best moment of my life.
Speaker 2: Like it felt like like my whole body, all my
Speaker 2: senses just came alive. I barely slept a wink. I
Speaker 2: just felt like, this is the man I'm getting married.
Speaker 2: It felt so good. It was a natural progression. He
Speaker 2: would say these little things, you know, he'd sort of
Speaker 2: say them over his shoulder or looking the other way,
Speaker 2: and I would think that I heard something and I'd
Speaker 2: be like what, and he it's a nothing, you know,
Speaker 2: and but what I would hear is like I've been
Speaker 2: waiting so long for this, you know, and those little,
Speaker 2: small little remarks, and I was like, what'd you say?
Speaker 2: And he would sort of just brush it off as
Speaker 2: if he didn't say anything. And you know, he you know,
Speaker 2: when obviously started sharing a bed, and he'd say things
Speaker 2: like hold me, hold me, like he was very loving.
Speaker 2: The first couple of months were very courty, like we
Speaker 2: were still courting and there was so much to do,
Speaker 2: and still even though we knew each other from another time,
Speaker 2: there was still so much to learn about each other,
Speaker 2: so it was slow moving. At the start. It was
Speaker 2: very cute, very cute, very teenagey sort of star will
Speaker 2: she won't won't she? Like? Will he won't he? Like?
Speaker 2: My perspective of it was that he was quite shy,
Speaker 2: very endearing, and it also kept you on your toes,
Speaker 2: so you were like, is this going somewhere? Yea, is
Speaker 2: it not? Like and he would say these small little things,
Speaker 2: so I'm like, oh, yeah, that's a sign that he
Speaker 2: also feels the same way about me, you know, So
Speaker 2: it was this really fun. I was very nervous, like
Speaker 2: it wasn't I didn't feel very comfortable in the dynamic,
Speaker 2: but that's what kept me. I was was like, is
Speaker 2: this something like, it seems like he really cares about me.
Speaker 2: He did all these little things, like, you know'd make
Speaker 2: sure i'd have slippers on if I was having to
Speaker 2: do some work, and he would come and get all
Speaker 2: these different drinks for me. And so I'm like, all
Speaker 2: these things just showed me that he was caring for me.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it was really nice time. Over time, eventually
Speaker 2: we were in this really sparks flying era of We
Speaker 2: just were obsessed with each other and I felt like
Speaker 2: he felt the same. And I think one day he
Speaker 2: had his family around and he introduced me as his girlfriend,
Speaker 2: and that was kind of the first All his family
Speaker 2: were like, oo, did you hear that? And so that's
Speaker 2: when I first felt like that was an official we
Speaker 2: are together. And all in all, it probably took maybe
Speaker 2: two months, which is a long time, but I was
Speaker 2: very much waiting for him to make these decisions.
Speaker 1: After that decision was made, it was full steam ahead.
Speaker 2: Or I just never went back home. I moved my business.
Speaker 2: I rented out an office in the town that was
Speaker 2: close by, and I had moved everything up, so I
Speaker 2: was fully committed pretty quickly. But again at the time,
Speaker 2: I was very transient person, so I didn't mean too
Speaker 2: much for me to relocate to rural New South Wales.
Speaker 2: It didn't really mean too much. I was already very
Speaker 2: loose and floating, so and I was still traveling quite
Speaker 2: a bit. I would leave for weeks on end just
Speaker 2: with business and come back and it just became my
Speaker 2: base organically. I think that we just became a meshed
Speaker 2: quite quickly. And he would say things like one day
Speaker 2: we could put a house on top of the hill,
Speaker 2: because the farm was his parents farm, so you know,
Speaker 2: the parents would come up and I was, you know,
Speaker 2: hanging out with them and getting to know them too,
Speaker 2: and he's like, one day we could put a house
Speaker 2: on the top of the hill. And so he would
Speaker 2: say things that would be we're building a dream life together,
Speaker 2: like you're here for good. This is us now, like
Speaker 2: let's let's figure out where we're going with this sort
Speaker 2: of thing. So it was really just spoken word between us.
Speaker 2: There was no set point in time. But you know,
Speaker 2: you'd also say things if we went out with his
Speaker 2: folks down somewhere and we'd go past this cute little church.
Speaker 2: He'd say things like this is where we'll get married
Speaker 2: one day, and just these little things that kind of
Speaker 2: led you to the that we're united, we're working towards something.
Speaker 1: Life felt almost perfect, smooth, full, exactly as she'd once imagined.
Speaker 1: And yet there was one small persistent detail that kept
Speaker 1: tugging at June's attention.
Speaker 2: I always witnessed him drinking a lot of beer, but
Speaker 2: he seemed very casual about it. You know, there was
Speaker 2: lots of half empty beers around, like he wouldn't so
Speaker 2: it didn't seem like a big problem because well, he
Speaker 2: wasn't drinking the whole beer a lot of the time.
Speaker 2: And at the beginning, you know, maybe we would go
Speaker 2: forward driving and he'd have a hip flask of something
Speaker 2: and we'd both share it, and so it was this
Speaker 2: sort of shared thing. And I, prior to getting into
Speaker 2: this relationship, I actually hadn't I'd stop drinking for about
Speaker 2: three years prior, but I didn't want there to be
Speaker 2: a huge divide, so I ended up started to drink
Speaker 2: with him, and it was fun, you know, we were
Speaker 2: having fun with it. It didn't seem like a problem.
Speaker 2: It seemed like something that was a shared thing and
Speaker 2: we'd have fun together. I love to do a lot
Speaker 2: of outdoor activities. I love going hiking and biking and
Speaker 2: running and going to see things and climbing mountains. And
Speaker 2: I quickly realized that he was very avoidant of those activities,
Speaker 2: and what we would tend to do was go to
Speaker 2: the pub, or if we were going out to dinner,
Speaker 2: would go out for drinks and dinner. And there was
Speaker 2: this real repetitive thing. And even though I enjoy going
Speaker 2: out for dinner, it wasn't really something that was super
Speaker 2: in my That wasn't a list of things that I
Speaker 2: tended to do. So I was going out for dinner
Speaker 2: and drinks pretty much all the time because that's what
Speaker 2: he would do. You know. I could see that his
Speaker 2: family was very centered around alcohol as part of their
Speaker 2: family culture. His family drank a lot, He drank a lot.
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, I mean, it's still just within
Speaker 2: that's his life style. Doesn't mean that he can't bring
Speaker 2: it down, and we can. People can find themselves drinking
Speaker 2: too much, you know, we can sort of reel it
Speaker 2: back in and we can find a way through that.
Speaker 2: So I wasn't totally concerned.
Speaker 1: But that was about to change when one year into
Speaker 1: the relationship something happened that caused more than just concern.
Speaker 2: He got caught drink driving high range, and so he
Speaker 2: lost his license. I would say for about eight months,
Speaker 2: I was just his driver, like I didn't have time
Speaker 2: to really do anything else. He was so demanding to
Speaker 2: be driven around everywhere. We lived in a very isolated environment.
Speaker 2: You know, he lives on a farm, so farms do
Speaker 2: need a lot of equipment, and a lot of trips
Speaker 2: to the hardware, a lot of trips to the agriculture stores,
Speaker 2: and a lot of trips to town. It just suddenly
Speaker 2: became my full time job, and I at that stage
Speaker 2: was driving well over probably fourteen hundred kilometers a week
Speaker 2: just driving him around. We would get caught in these
Speaker 2: kind of arguments where I was like, can we just
Speaker 2: quickly go down, We'll just do it this morning because
Speaker 2: I've got work to do this afternoon, and he would
Speaker 2: just not have any respect for my time and blow
Speaker 2: through the whole day. And I'd get home and I
Speaker 2: just was getting so frustrated. Even to get to our
Speaker 2: small town, which only had a few amenities, was about
Speaker 2: thirty five minutes in If you really put the foot down,
Speaker 2: and he would spend two hours just running around doing
Speaker 2: absolutely nothing and buying things that he really didn't need,
Speaker 2: and then we would spend forty five minutes going back.
Speaker 2: But you know, if we had to go down to
Speaker 2: a bigger city that had more things, which we have
Speaker 2: to do a lot, it would take an hour to
Speaker 2: get there or an hour and a half, depending which
Speaker 2: one we choose. So it's an all day thing. This
Speaker 2: isn't just popping down to the shops. This is if
Speaker 2: I had to take him to town, it takes all day.
Speaker 2: And if he was in town, he runs away. It's
Speaker 2: really hard to get him back in the car. It's
Speaker 2: not just like, let's just go in to town for
Speaker 2: a quick I need to pick up a couple of
Speaker 2: things for dinner, and then get back in the car
Speaker 2: and go home. He would get to town and he
Speaker 2: would disappear. He just would disappear. He would just I
Speaker 2: wouldn't know where he went. Maybe he would go down
Speaker 2: to the mechanic shop and then he'd come back, and
Speaker 2: then he'd be in the bar, and then he'd go
Speaker 2: down up to the post office and then go to
Speaker 2: the pub down the road, and I was just like
Speaker 2: I can't see him, and I'd see him in the distance,
Speaker 2: sort of crossing the road. And he was always very
Speaker 2: fast paced, so always walking so far ahead of you
Speaker 2: and you're sort of having to jog to keep up.
Speaker 2: So I'd sort of be jogging around town trying to
Speaker 2: cop Okay, let's go after this. We'd really need to
Speaker 2: get home. I'd got to do all these things or whatever,
Speaker 2: and he just wouldn't care, would not care about anything
Speaker 2: that I had to do. He would say, I never
Speaker 2: get to come into town, you know, I have to
Speaker 2: do all these things. And I was like, we've been
Speaker 2: in town every day this week. We are doing this
Speaker 2: every day, Like, you don't never get to come into town.
Speaker 2: I'm always taking you into town. So every day was
Speaker 2: running around after him, and we wouldn't often leave in
Speaker 2: the morning and would not get home until dark. The
Speaker 2: driving and the lack of caring about the time I
Speaker 2: was spending driving him was starting to make things difficult,
Speaker 2: and the more I put in some like no, I
Speaker 2: can't drive you today, I have to go to work,
Speaker 2: would amount to a huge blow up.
Speaker 1: It was a challenge. They were navigating together, and June
Speaker 1: showed up with steady support. Despite it, all their love
Speaker 1: held firm. They shared a farm full of animals they adored.
Speaker 1: June was embracing the rhythms of farm life, and together
Speaker 1: they'd found an easy flow at home. But with all
Speaker 1: this added time spent there, June began to notice something else.
Speaker 1: Zach was drinking more, a lot more.
Speaker 2: His only way to get alcohol was through me. At
Speaker 2: his worse, he would drink over a case of beer
Speaker 2: a day, and at his best it would still be
Speaker 2: probably at least three six packs. It got to the
Speaker 2: point halfway through that year that I actually stopped. I said,
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be buying you alcohol anymore. Don't ask,
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be doing it. And it was
Speaker 2: a flat no. It was a never, never, not going
Speaker 2: to You have to find your own way to do that,
Speaker 2: because I am against what this is. I'm against it,
Speaker 2: and you need to stop drinking alcohol.
Speaker 1: Despite June putting her foot down, Zack eventually found other
Speaker 1: people and other ways to get more alcohol. And then
Speaker 1: it happened again, a second dui. This time the consequences
Speaker 1: were far more severe, bringing with them a wave of
Speaker 1: hard truths neither of them could ignore.
Speaker 2: He was court ordered. He was never allowed to enter
Speaker 2: into a licensed premises, so he wasn't able to go
Speaker 2: to a pub anymore. He also was meant to be
Speaker 2: subjected to random breathalyze the tests because he wasn't meant
Speaker 2: to be drinking at all. Can't buy it, can't enter
Speaker 2: into a premises. If the police decided that they wanted
Speaker 2: to come over and breathalyze him, they could, and he
Speaker 2: would be in trouble if he had alcohol. I was like, okay, no,
Speaker 2: this no drinking thing will be good because it means
Speaker 2: that he's forced to really address the problem. And I
Speaker 2: felt really uncomfortable buying him anything, and so pretty quickly
Speaker 2: I said, look, no, I'm not doing it. You're going
Speaker 2: to have to find another way. And so the ways
Speaker 2: became very creative. It just didn't It didn't stop him
Speaker 2: at all. There was a court ordered psych evaluation that
Speaker 2: ended up sort of saying that he prescribed him antipsychotics
Speaker 2: because he really was loose. He was super wild. But
Speaker 2: you know, what I originally loved about him was now
Speaker 2: turning into something that was really toxic about him. But
Speaker 2: he didn't want to take those medications. He was reckless
Speaker 2: and by this stage, I knew he was really mentally unstable.
Speaker 2: So I was dedicated to providing, like, let's get the
Speaker 2: man some help. Like he was always saying things like
Speaker 2: no one ever helps me. I just I need help,
Speaker 2: and he would really lean into the like yeah, I'm unwell,
Speaker 2: and so I'm like, okay, well let's do something about
Speaker 2: it then, like let's seek some help, and you know
Speaker 2: he would agree.
Speaker 1: But dear listener, as we know, there's often a gap
Speaker 1: between what people say and what they actually do. Zach
Speaker 1: never got the help he promised, and nothing really changed.
Speaker 1: June became, in effect his full time driver, something that
Speaker 1: began to take a toll on her ability to run
Speaker 1: her business and on their finances as well. Still, one
Speaker 1: revealing insight began to surface, something that hinted as to
Speaker 1: why he may be behaving this way.
Speaker 2: You know, he would openly say I'm jealous, and I
Speaker 2: would I'd be able to say to him, I was like,
Speaker 2: is it because you're jealous? Like you don't want to
Speaker 2: want me to go and do these Like I stopped traveling.
Speaker 2: I was no longer traveling. I was now stuck in
Speaker 2: the house with him, and when I would go travel,
Speaker 2: he would ghost me, like there was no communication while
Speaker 2: I was traveling. And this happened straight from the get go,
Speaker 2: And so each time I was staring down the barrel
Speaker 2: of like having to go somewhere. If I was going
Speaker 2: away for a couple of weeks, I'd get so anxious
Speaker 2: because he would stop talking to me, and I knew
Speaker 2: he stopped talking to me. And if I was going
Speaker 2: away for work and I was like brainstorming ideas that
Speaker 2: I would do while I was over there, he was
Speaker 2: always really negative about the ideas, which then led to
Speaker 2: a lot of insecurity. I'd stopped all this sort of
Speaker 2: decision making was that I didn't want to feel those feelings,
Speaker 2: so I just would like not go, Okay, I'm not
Speaker 2: going to go, like I don't want to, or like
Speaker 2: he would have this kind of crisis where leading up
Speaker 2: to it where I'm like I felt like I couldn't go.
Speaker 2: And eventually these yeah just kept me pulling more and
Speaker 2: more into myself and losing a lot of the freedoms
Speaker 2: I had. And why I think he would do it
Speaker 2: is because you know, alcoholism is devastating. It is a
Speaker 2: jail cell. He didn't have a car to get him anywhere.
Speaker 2: He also couldn't go anywhere for more than a couple
Speaker 2: of hours because he would have these needs. So he
Speaker 2: was in a living jail. And I think anybody that
Speaker 2: is living like that that feels totally trapped. It's really
Speaker 2: hard to watch somebody who does have such freedom to
Speaker 2: go and do all these things and to do whatever
Speaker 2: they want and to be happy and not locked up
Speaker 2: like he is. I could see that it would be hard,
Speaker 2: and with just how unwell he was, it led to
Speaker 2: him wanting to take it away. But over time, his
Speaker 2: behaviors eroded my confidence to do anything and my brain capacity,
Speaker 2: so I just lost a lot of it. Very motivated
Speaker 2: and I'm very I'm a problem solver, and I was
Speaker 2: dedicated to finding out why he was doing these things.
Speaker 2: And I you know, halfway through the second year, I
Speaker 2: was really starting to seek help. I started going to
Speaker 2: the doctors to say, like, I'm really not feeling good,
Speaker 2: and I let them help me with a mental health plan.
Speaker 2: And I started going to alan on where it's like
Speaker 2: family members and loved ones of alcoholics, kind of like
Speaker 2: the sister side of AA. And so I started to
Speaker 2: learn a lot about it, and that really empowered me
Speaker 2: to remove myself from the emotional tether like me being
Speaker 2: the one trying to control his ups and downs. That
Speaker 2: was me starting to process not being in charge of
Speaker 2: that and having more freedom to walk away from the house.
Speaker 2: I got a job in town, so I started working
Speaker 2: for the local council because I didn't have the brain
Speaker 2: capacity to work on my own business. But I really
Speaker 2: needed money and I wasn't going to sink myself into
Speaker 2: the sand pit that he was in. So I went
Speaker 2: and I applied for just a little job just to
Speaker 2: see me through. And that job was really great because
Speaker 2: it got me out of the house every day.
Speaker 1: This new sense of freedom and the space between them
Speaker 1: seemed to help. Beneath it all, their relationships still rested
Speaker 1: on a strong foundation, and they were both determined to
Speaker 1: find their way through what they knew was a deeply
Speaker 1: difficult patch.
Speaker 2: I continued to try and work on the plight of
Speaker 2: getting him to stop drinking, and he wanted to. He
Speaker 2: wanted to, He knew all this. He was very open
Speaker 2: and honest, and we would have these great conversations that
Speaker 2: felt like break trees all the time. So I was
Speaker 2: still very dedicated to trying to make it work. I
Speaker 2: just kept on telling myself that this was just a
Speaker 2: bad patch. He just needs love and support. But once
Speaker 2: we get through this, the bones are good. You know.
Speaker 2: We do share so much together and we have so
Speaker 2: much in common, and if he could get help for
Speaker 2: his drinking, everything would be fine.
Speaker 1: Another part of these good conversations was planning to start
Speaker 1: a family. It was something June desperately wanted to do
Speaker 1: with or without Zach.
Speaker 2: I had always said to him that this is something
Speaker 2: that I want for my future. You know, if you
Speaker 2: don't want to have a family or a child, that's
Speaker 2: so fine. You just need to know that that is something.
Speaker 2: And he really refused to avoid the conversation for a
Speaker 2: good year and a half. I would say to him, like,
Speaker 2: it's so fine that you don't, but I at this stage,
Speaker 2: I am now going to look for a sperm donor,
Speaker 2: which really set him and he, you know, another six
Speaker 2: months would go by, and you know, I started teeing
Speaker 2: up people in my life that would potentially be sperm donors.
Speaker 2: And I was going down this avenue and he said
Speaker 2: that I wouldn't be with you if you had a child.
Speaker 2: That's the end of the relationship. And I said that
Speaker 2: is so fine. You know, I know this about me,
Speaker 2: that this is something that I want to do before
Speaker 2: the time is over, that I can do it. That's
Speaker 2: so fine. But what kept on happening is that he
Speaker 2: would go be He's like, no, no, I want a
Speaker 2: family with you. And I'm like, okay, great, let's have
Speaker 2: a family. Then we'll figure it out. Like we're always
Speaker 2: working on this road, so like, let's just figure it out.
Speaker 2: Let's figure out how we're going to do that. And
Speaker 2: then he would backtrack and he's like no, and I
Speaker 2: was like, okay, that's also fine. But he would do
Speaker 2: this back and forth and I think I was so
Speaker 2: in whiplash about doing it. And then he would agree
Speaker 2: and I said, okay, well then let's do it. Stop
Speaker 2: throwing me around, and let's do it. So I was
Speaker 2: by this stage baby hungry and feverish for it. And
Speaker 2: so we started trying for a child. We ended up
Speaker 2: falling pregnant after about six maybe eight months of trying.
Speaker 2: He sort of wrapped me up in his arms and
Speaker 2: he said, oh my god, I'm going to be a father.
Speaker 2: And he loves children, and I think he you know,
Speaker 2: what he liked about them is the innocence and just
Speaker 2: how pure they were, and he sees such light in them.
Speaker 2: And I always thought that he will be a good dad.
Speaker 2: So he was really excited and we were both really excited.
Speaker 2: But I had a horrendous first trimester. I was severely unwell,
Speaker 2: and at first he was really great at caring for me,
Speaker 2: and so there was a lot of joy and a
Speaker 2: lot of hope. And even though I was really really sick,
Speaker 2: he was being very caring. He was a good cook,
Speaker 2: and he you know, he'd put all your washing on,
Speaker 2: and you know, you do all these things. So you know,
Speaker 2: he had such great characteristics as well, and they really
Speaker 2: shined in those first couple of months. So things were
Speaker 2: really looking great.
Speaker 1: Until they weren't. It started with what may seem like
Speaker 1: the smallest of things.
Speaker 2: I was so unwell that I was like, can you please,
Speaker 2: just like this, take me for a walk. And I
Speaker 2: was just so desperate for someone to take me for
Speaker 2: a walk. Because he was still very much housebound and
Speaker 2: really entrenched in the house. He still didn't have a license,
Speaker 2: still was deep in his drinking. He's escalated drinking, and
Speaker 2: he was still very much house bound. He started to
Speaker 2: have an extreme anxiety about even leaving the house. It
Speaker 2: had gotten to that point, so he found it really
Speaker 2: hard to just go for a walk with me. And
Speaker 2: he would always say, I'm just so busy, I'm so busy,
Speaker 2: which is not He's not busy doing anything, you know,
Speaker 2: he's not really doing anything on the farm. He's not
Speaker 2: doing anything, but he is busy in his head. So
Speaker 2: what sort of started turning the pregnancy south was that
Speaker 2: I was like, I was just desperate for someone to
Speaker 2: spend time with me, to go for a walk. I
Speaker 2: really want to be out in nature. Please, can we
Speaker 2: just do this together? And he just couldn't, And I
Speaker 2: was getting more and more stressed about that. You know,
Speaker 2: if that's fine. He was putting the heated blanket on
Speaker 2: for me at night and making me a cup of
Speaker 2: tea and freshly squeezing the grapefruit and things like that,
Speaker 2: But what I was asking for directly is like, can
Speaker 2: you please go for a walk? And he couldn't, And
Speaker 2: I was getting more and more distressed about that because
Speaker 2: that's what I really really needed.
Speaker 1: Which then transitions into the biggest of things.
Speaker 2: He started talking to his ex girlfriend Jess. He had
Speaker 2: always talked about her through our relationship, and I'd always
Speaker 2: been like, it's you know, it sounds like you guys
Speaker 2: have got some unfinished business. Why don't you like talk
Speaker 2: to her or something, reach out Because you talk about
Speaker 2: her all the time and hearing about her all the time,
Speaker 2: That relationship for him ended up in a restraining order.
Speaker 2: She was much younger than him, and his account was
Speaker 2: that she was a very explosive person too, and she
Speaker 2: was crazy. I started looking at his computers and looking
Speaker 2: at his phone when he was away from his phone,
Speaker 2: which is very rarely because his phone was attached to
Speaker 2: him like glue. But I did find a way into
Speaker 2: his computer and all his messages were on his computer,
Speaker 2: so I saw the extent of their relationship, which was
Speaker 2: a sexual relationship. There was them reminiscing about all the
Speaker 2: sex that they used to have, and he would be
Speaker 2: coaxing her to sort of send nudes and you know,
Speaker 2: upskirts of herself and things like that. I also found
Speaker 2: text messages from other girls on there that made it
Speaker 2: clear that he was also on Tinder and talking to
Speaker 2: lots and lots of different women and treating them terribly.
Speaker 2: After everything we'd already been through, seeing these messages I
Speaker 2: felt like my whole body just ran cold, and I
Speaker 2: just felt incredibly numb. And seeing that was just the
Speaker 2: most horrendous feeling after it everything already that we'd gone through.
Speaker 2: There was one particular girl who was being really nice
Speaker 2: to him, and then he would say something like you
Speaker 2: look like a fat bitch, and it would just be
Speaker 2: like sorry. Like it was just this very open, just
Speaker 2: a way for him to hurt people because he was
Speaker 2: so hurt, Like he just hurt people, hurt people, and
Speaker 2: it was just the way to be mean to people
Speaker 2: because he just felt so crab about himself. And then
Speaker 2: there was you know, other women that he was just
Speaker 2: trying to get nudes out. Like he would he'd be like,
Speaker 2: send me a picture of this, send me a picture
Speaker 2: of this, and they would, so he had this collection
Speaker 2: of porn imagery of these poor women. It was cruel.
Speaker 2: I knew he had issues, but I never thought that
Speaker 2: he could be this cruel.
Speaker 1: It was time for real action. The drinking, the cheating,
Speaker 1: the blow ups, the strain on his mental health, something
Speaker 1: had to give. So Zach made a big decision. He
Speaker 1: went to rehab in Bali.
Speaker 2: I was in tears when he was leaving not because
Speaker 2: I was sad for him to go, but it was
Speaker 2: because this the last few years had just been so
Speaker 2: had ecsmic. I was so exhausted, and I just was
Speaker 2: in tears, and he just gave me this hug and
Speaker 2: with the most normal voice, as if none of this
Speaker 2: has ever happened. He'd just say that this is Everything's
Speaker 2: going to be okay, and he left. I was seven
Speaker 2: months pregnant when he went to Bali, and he never
Speaker 2: made it to the intake. He just decided I didn't
Speaker 2: want to do it anymore, and then spent two months
Speaker 2: partying in Bali, and during that time that he was
Speaker 2: out of the house, I left for good. So it
Speaker 2: was a very strange clothes to the relationship. It just
Speaker 2: died away. It was so bizarre. He had to push
Speaker 2: me unbelievably hard to make me be the one that
Speaker 2: walks away. I was pretty disappointed, but by that stage
Speaker 2: thoroughly focused on the pre ignancy. He never came to
Speaker 2: any appointments. This was my first child. I really did
Speaker 2: it alone, never had anybody coming to any appointments. I
Speaker 2: had never had anybody coming to the hospital. Obviously, he
Speaker 2: couldn't still drive me anywhere. So I was always taking
Speaker 2: myself everywhere. It was a very lonely pregnancy, but I
Speaker 2: was so joyed the midwives had clocked, as they do,
Speaker 2: that I was in an unsafe environment and I was
Speaker 2: really cared for. I was given a support worker, and
Speaker 2: I had a lot of support during it, and that
Speaker 2: really helped me untwine, like unwind myself from the grips
Speaker 2: of what was going on. And also him being out
Speaker 2: of the house and not talking to me at all.
Speaker 2: I couldn't contact him at all. He wouldn't respond or
Speaker 2: communicate or anything like that gave a lot more like
Speaker 2: breathing space for me to figure out where I was
Speaker 2: going to go, what I was going to do. And
Speaker 2: by this stage I had removed all my belongings from
Speaker 2: the house anywhere because my belongings really annoyed him. So
Speaker 2: a lot of my stuff was down at my parents,
Speaker 2: which was three and a half hours away, so it
Speaker 2: really didn't take too much to leave the house. We
Speaker 2: really didn't speak to each other again for months. I
Speaker 2: attempted to communicate through a few different ways about the pregnancy,
Speaker 2: like this is what's happening. You know. There was some
Speaker 2: complications there. It was a high risk pregnancy, so I
Speaker 2: was trying to communicate that with him and his mom,
Speaker 2: but you know, they really weren't interested at all, So
Speaker 2: I just carried on with what I was doing. It
Speaker 2: was an incredibly difficult time, and I found it excruciating
Speaker 2: to be at work. I was incapable of working. My
Speaker 2: mental health was really bad. But what wasn't bad was
Speaker 2: the breathing space that I had from him, and everything
Speaker 2: else just felt so much more manageable without him in
Speaker 2: my life. I wasn't sure he was even going to
Speaker 2: be at the It really was the last week of
Speaker 2: my pregnancy that I heard anything from him, and unfortunately
Speaker 2: he was there at the book. He looked horrendous. He'd
Speaker 2: put on lots of weight, he looked shocking because he'd
Speaker 2: spent a few months partying and eating and just not
Speaker 2: doing anything, and so he looked horrendous. When I was
Speaker 2: in hospital about to give birth, and he wasn't in
Speaker 2: the room even when she was born, he kept on
Speaker 2: leaving the room and I was on the phone to
Speaker 2: other people, and so it was just me and my
Speaker 2: mom in the room, which was nice, which I am
Speaker 2: really grateful for now because the first person she saw
Speaker 2: was my mum, and that was the first connection she
Speaker 2: got when she was born. I definitely felt that the
Speaker 2: spell had been broken, and you know, with her cord cutting,
Speaker 2: my cord got cut too, and I no longer had
Speaker 2: any for any drama that he wanted to dish out.
Speaker 2: I no longer had any need for his love, for
Speaker 2: his acceptance. When we did reconnect after my daughter was born,
Speaker 2: a big component of the narrative for him is like,
Speaker 2: you left me, You took her away from me, You
Speaker 2: left me, And I was like, no, we split up
Speaker 2: and I went home to my parents. Where'd you think
Speaker 2: I was going to go? And he came to visit
Speaker 2: a couple of times and did a couple of things.
Speaker 2: But in the end, what I kind of knew would
Speaker 2: happen is that he just took himself away. You know,
Speaker 2: I used to I'd take her up there a couple
Speaker 2: of times to try to encourage a connection, but there
Speaker 2: just really wasn't any that I could see happening. And
Speaker 2: even though we were in the house, he wasn't he
Speaker 2: was out working, or his father was up. He was
Speaker 2: out working with him and really didn't engage with us
Speaker 2: us much and I'd sort of encourage him to maybe
Speaker 2: try and put it asleep or like do things that
Speaker 2: he wanted to build a connection with them, but just
Speaker 2: don't think that he has it in him. And eventually
Speaker 2: he made up some drama about like one of our dogs,
Speaker 2: and by that stage I'd really disconnected from any of
Speaker 2: his drama. That if he was really upset and unraveling
Speaker 2: and trying to cause something, it didn't really phase me anymore.
Speaker 2: And I knew a few tactics now, and I had
Speaker 2: my peace to try to maintain for my daughter. And
Speaker 2: so you know, even though he was trying to upset
Speaker 2: me and try to continue the dynamic, I really didn't
Speaker 2: have anything to offer him anymore. And after that one
Speaker 2: last blow up about something really silly, I just haven't
Speaker 2: heard from him again. And that was a year and
Speaker 2: a half ago. I've heard along the lines that he
Speaker 2: has told people that he's not allowed to see her,
Speaker 2: which is not the case at all, but that's something
Speaker 2: that keeps his looks intact. I've took her away and
Speaker 2: he's not allowed to see her, but that's not the
Speaker 2: case at all. He just doesn't have the mental capacity
Speaker 2: for it. And it's the best thing for our daughter.
Speaker 2: As well. You know, she's now at an age where
Speaker 2: she definitely understands a lot, and if there was this
Speaker 2: presence that was a chaotic presence in her life that
Speaker 2: would sort of tap in but mostly be absent and
Speaker 2: then come in, tap in and out, it would be
Speaker 2: extremely detrimental. So I'm very thankful for him in a
Speaker 2: lot of ways, and I you know, if we do communicate,
Speaker 2: I'll be telling him that that I was thankful for
Speaker 2: the decision. And I have no ill feelings towards him,
Speaker 2: to be honest, I mostly feel a lot of sadness
Speaker 2: that he's living that life because he has a lot
Speaker 2: of opportunity, and I am a very peaceful person. I
Speaker 2: do not want to engage in any arguments. I'd be
Speaker 2: more than happy for us to like find a way
Speaker 2: that fits within his abilities to be in her life.
Speaker 2: I'd love that for her. And yeah, I'm hoping that
Speaker 2: one day he does want to be in her life
Speaker 2: and come in a really genuine way that knows his
Speaker 2: limitations in that we can work within it, because it's
Speaker 2: a real blessing.
Speaker 1: June was determined to be the best mother she could,
Speaker 1: and to do that, she knew she had to do
Speaker 1: the work on herself.
Speaker 2: I sought quite a lot of help after it. I
Speaker 2: was extremely fragile, there was a lot of mistrust in people.
Speaker 2: There was heaps of residual impact, like emotional impact from it,
Speaker 2: even though I had severed my ties and I really
Speaker 2: didn't feel any thing towards him. Coming back to life
Speaker 2: took a long long time, and I sought helped through
Speaker 2: a women's refuge sort of service, and they really helped
Speaker 2: me understand the cycle of abuse, and they helped me
Speaker 2: educate myself as to why this happened, how common this is,
Speaker 2: that it wasn't my fault that these things happen, and
Speaker 2: you can recognize it when it's happening better now, and
Speaker 2: they really helped me. And I've also have such a
Speaker 2: strong interest in social services and helping drug and alcohol
Speaker 2: affected families and people, and so I have gone even
Speaker 2: though I have tried to recoup my business, it's very
Speaker 2: difficult being a single parent to have the time to
Speaker 2: do that. So whilst I'm not given up on rebuilding it,
Speaker 2: I am also doing some study at night doing drug
Speaker 2: and alcohol support work. So it has changed my trajectory
Speaker 2: quite a lot, and I'm really excited to dive in
Speaker 2: with like lived experience to help people that I listened
Speaker 2: to AA podcasts, I'm still going to alan on. I
Speaker 2: still am drawn to their experiences and I like reading
Speaker 2: about it. I love listening to podcasts about addiction. I
Speaker 2: love reading books about addiction because it all just puts
Speaker 2: things in perspective and place for me of what I
Speaker 2: experienced and that it sort of sets in concrete that
Speaker 2: it really wasn't my fault. And as for Zack, the
Speaker 2: last year, is not had a working car, so he
Speaker 2: has gone back to that sort of same routine where
Speaker 2: he can't get off the farm and relying on other people.
Speaker 2: But I think he from the sounds of it, he's
Speaker 2: burnt quite a lot of bridges around him. He's an
Speaker 2: incredibly resilient person. Can't live a life like that without
Speaker 2: some level of strength to continue on. Because to wake
Speaker 2: up every day feeling as bad as he does takes
Speaker 2: a lot of strength. So no doubt he will power
Speaker 2: on and continue. I hope that he finds some level
Speaker 2: of function, that he can find some level of peace,
Speaker 2: and that maybe one day the catalyst comes that needs
Speaker 2: to come that will change his mindset, and that he
Speaker 2: does want to participate in, you know, like her life.
Speaker 2: I'm sure she would one day love to meet him,
Speaker 2: and I hope that she gets to. I don't have
Speaker 2: any interest in any relationships. Certainly. My priority is to
Speaker 2: get the parenting right for my daughter. I really don't
Speaker 2: feel like I have capacity to be the best parent
Speaker 2: and also get to know somebody. So not to say
Speaker 2: that in another five ten years that will open up
Speaker 2: for me, but I'm so obsessed with wanting to be
Speaker 2: the best for her and to spend any waking moment
Speaker 2: we can together, and I really have no desire to
Speaker 2: have anybody else in my life like that. I do
Speaker 2: have quite a few brothers, so I love spending time
Speaker 2: with them and their families and connecting my daughter with
Speaker 2: all this positive masculine energies I can because you know,
Speaker 2: obviously I worry about her having some father issues when
Speaker 2: she's older. So what my priority is is bringing beautiful
Speaker 2: men into her life. So unless there is some person
Speaker 2: that is really something spectacular, it's not something that I
Speaker 2: have any drive to do right now. I'm still with
Speaker 2: my family. They also have a cattle farm, and we
Speaker 2: just live very close to nature and we get to
Speaker 2: spend so much time together, and she's wonderful. She looks
Speaker 2: so much like him, and she has such a vibrant energy,
Speaker 2: and I often think that she will be the best
Speaker 2: thing that comes out of him, because if she is
Speaker 2: going to be like him, that'd be wonderful. But I'm
Speaker 2: hoping that I can help guide her with any anything
Speaker 2: that she struggles with that potentially he needed help with
Speaker 2: when he was younger. I really miss the community where
Speaker 2: we were. I think about it every day. One of
Speaker 2: the saddest things is that I can't go back there.
Speaker 2: I am really connected to that community and I really
Speaker 2: miss it a lot. And maybe one day, maybe one day,
Speaker 2: I will get to go back and pick up where
Speaker 2: we left off because I really connected to the people
Speaker 2: and the place. But yeah, I'm about three and a
Speaker 2: half hours away in a very beautiful part of Australia.
Speaker 2: We do lots of swimming and there's lots of rivers
Speaker 2: and rainforest and nature. It's just a very women's centric
Speaker 2: place as well. It's honors children, so it was just
Speaker 2: the most perfect soft pillow of a place to come
Speaker 2: and land. There's just been a lot of support, plenty
Speaker 2: of single moms, just really beautiful place.
Speaker 1: Everyone has an Eggs's a Minti Media production and proudly
Speaker 1: part of the Mum and mea Network. This interview was
Speaker 1: conducted and the episode narrated by me Georgia Love and
Speaker 1: written and produced by Linda Scott. If you have a
Speaker 1: story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot
Speaker 1: com dot au. You can support us by following the
Speaker 1: show in your favorite podcast app and leaving us a
Speaker 1: five star review. We'll see you for the next episode.