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Speaker 1: You're listening to a Muma Mia podcast.

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Speaker 2: Mumma Mea acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters

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Speaker 2: that this podcast is recorded on Hey Quiki Friends. Claire

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Speaker 2: Murphy dropping back into your podcast feed to share a

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Speaker 2: special episode from our sister podcast, How to Build a Human.

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Speaker 2: Do you ever find yourself talking to your kids but

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Speaker 2: it seems like they're in their own little world? Why

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Speaker 2: is it so hard to get your child to actually listen?

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Speaker 2: Sorry to break it to but it turns out one

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Speaker 2: of the biggest reasons we're getting tuned out is in

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Speaker 2: our approach. So in this episode, parenting expert Jen Yuer

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Speaker 2: shared with Hostly Campbell some helpful tips and techniques to

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Speaker 2: encourage better communication with our kids. Apologies for the weekend homework, folks,

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Speaker 2: but I promise it'll be worth it.

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Speaker 1: Do you ever find yourself talking to your toddler but

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Speaker 1: it seems like they're in their own little world. You

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Speaker 1: might try to make eye contact and repeat yourself a

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Speaker 1: hundred times, but there's no use. Why is it so

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Speaker 1: hard to get toddlers to actually listen? This is How

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Speaker 1: to Build a Human Mumma MIA's podcast. It's your operating

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Speaker 1: manual for Toddler's I'm Lee Campbell, an executive editor here

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Speaker 1: at MMA MIA and mum to a cheeky four year

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Speaker 1: old boy called Alexander.

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Speaker 3: And I'm Jen Muir. I'm a parent, educator and mum

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Speaker 3: to four boys.

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Speaker 4: And on this show.

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Speaker 3: Today, we're exploring some helpful tips and techniques to encourage

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Speaker 3: better communication and corporation from our little ones. Jen, I

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Speaker 3: think this is going to be our most listened to episode.

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Speaker 4: Get it listen to?

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Speaker 1: So with all the distractions going on in the world,

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Speaker 1: how do their little brains take in the information?

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Speaker 4: Why are they listening to us?

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Speaker 3: Once we realize that, it's not that they don't want

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Speaker 3: to listen, it's not that they're actively not listening. It's

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Speaker 3: that the way that their brain is developing means they

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Speaker 3: can't necessarily hear us unless we change the way that

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Speaker 3: we talk. I think that's when we can get more

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Speaker 3: cooperation in our homes.

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Speaker 1: Is it the same with husbands?

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Speaker 4: Yes, it is touched them before you It's true.

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Speaker 1: Actually, if I touch my husband on the shoulder, it

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Speaker 1: gets his physical attention.

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Speaker 4: That's right. Are we going to get into that? We're

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Speaker 4: going to get into it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Look, I do struggle For me, I think it's

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Speaker 1: when it's something that's not fun, so getting dressed for

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Speaker 1: daycare or you know, doing anything that needs doing in

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Speaker 1: a certain timeframe. But if I say, hey, you want

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Speaker 1: to play cats, he is I mean.

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Speaker 3: There's no child on earth that doesn't hear you say,

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Speaker 3: who wants us creaming? I mean, my children will hear

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Speaker 3: that from one hundred thousand meters away. And yet if

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Speaker 3: I say put your shoes on for school, it's a

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Speaker 3: completely different response. And that's because children find it really

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Speaker 3: hard to stop doing something they're enjoying to do something

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Speaker 3: less fun, And.

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Speaker 4: So do we.

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Speaker 3: I was going to say, I know, when I'm sitting

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Speaker 3: on the couch at night watching Netflix, I know I

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Speaker 3: should turn it off and go to bed.

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Speaker 1: Or I know that the washing needs folding, that's.

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Speaker 4: Right, Or I don't want to get out of the

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Speaker 4: shower on a cold day. And our kids are no different.

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Speaker 3: And so it's about us helping them through regulating the

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Speaker 3: emotions around doing something that's hard a lot of the time,

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Speaker 3: is what we're talking about.

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Speaker 1: So obviously we're the adults and we know better, But

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Speaker 1: what kind of cog and developmental factors do we need

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Speaker 1: to take into consideration that are going on with these

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Speaker 1: little ones that they might find listening challenging, hard to concentrate.

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Speaker 4: It's all about the cognitive factors.

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Speaker 3: So the first thing is we know that a child's

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Speaker 3: brain is not fully developed until twenty five and we

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Speaker 3: have to just hang in there for a second and think, Okay,

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Speaker 3: that is massive, and it's a really slow grow and

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Speaker 3: particularly the part of the brain that is slowest to

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Speaker 3: develop is the ability to control impulses, to regulate emotion,

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Speaker 3: to be able to multi focus, and these are the

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Speaker 3: things that are going to impact a child's ability to Essentially,

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Speaker 3: when we say we're getting kids to listen, we're saying

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Speaker 3: getting gets to cooperate because they can hear us. They

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Speaker 3: just don't necessarily want to cooperate.

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Speaker 1: Right if they're playing with their blocks, which is fun,

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Speaker 1: and we're saying it's time for breakfast, which is not.

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Speaker 3: Fun, and that means it's also time for school, which

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Speaker 3: means separating from my parents or whatever. So it's about

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Speaker 3: knowing that children live in the present and there's a

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Speaker 3: beautiful thing about that. They're really meant to do that

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Speaker 3: because it's in the present that they've been creative and

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Speaker 3: mindful and they're developing in the best way that is

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Speaker 3: right for them. But we as parents do need to

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Speaker 3: get from A to B. So it can help to

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Speaker 3: know that the way we communicate with our kids can

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Speaker 3: make the biggest difference to whether they listen or whether

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Speaker 3: they completely ignore us.

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Speaker 1: On that, do toddlers actually have short attention spans or

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Speaker 1: is it just all this developmental stuff we're talking about.

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Speaker 4: Yes, both they do.

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Speaker 3: I can't remember the exact number, but I know for

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Speaker 3: most toddlers and preschoolers, if you can get nine to

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Speaker 3: ten minutes of focus, you are doing amazingly well. And

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Speaker 3: I think at a younger age and depending on what

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Speaker 3: else is happening for them emotional, it can be four minutes.

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Speaker 3: So we can kind of think, why can't my child

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Speaker 3: sit at the table, But often we're asking them to

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Speaker 3: sit for twenty or thirty minutes. It is way beyond

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Speaker 3: their capacity to focus and stay on one task. So, yes,

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Speaker 3: they are definitely sort of limited, but it's important to

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Speaker 3: remember that what they're doing with that is that creativity

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Speaker 3: of that play and that being in the present moment,

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Speaker 3: and that's incredibly important for them as well.

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Speaker 1: Well, let's talk about instruction styles that are more effective

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Speaker 1: than others when we do need them to listen to us,

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Speaker 1: And can you tell me is their different styles are

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Speaker 1: some more effective? Just yelling doesn't seem to work.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I've tried the whole yelling from across the room.

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Speaker 3: It definitely telling to three three.

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Speaker 4: I did once.

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Speaker 3: I mean it came out of my mouth almost as

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Speaker 3: a joke, like I couldn't get my son to listen,

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Speaker 3: and I was like, I'm going to.

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Speaker 4: Catch what am I saying? Like where did that even

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Speaker 4: come from? Don't work?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 3: It doesn't work, and we don't know what we're going

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Speaker 3: to do at three. We know that threats and punishments

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Speaker 3: don't work. We know that yelling will send our child's

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Speaker 3: brain into.

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Speaker 4: F orf flight.

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Speaker 3: Therefore they are less able to listen and co operate.

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Speaker 3: It's going to end in tears them and us. So

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Speaker 3: we know that those things don't work. So what do

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Speaker 3: we do instead? I mean, really, it begins and ends

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Speaker 3: with connection when kids feel connected with us, when we

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Speaker 3: tune into what's happening for them, and that may be

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Speaker 3: tuning into the fact that it's hard to go to

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Speaker 3: school today or they're not having the best time. It

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Speaker 3: may be tuning into the fact they're having a great time.

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Speaker 3: You don't want to leave the park. I get it,

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Speaker 3: this is so fun. So we've got to listen first

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Speaker 3: in order to have them listen to us. Essentially like

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Speaker 3: until they feel heard, they don't hear us. So it's

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Speaker 3: starting with that. But it's also about sometimes taking charge.

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Speaker 3: I can tell you that if I walk into my

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Speaker 3: living room tonight and I say, hey, guys, who wants

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Speaker 3: to turn off the TV and brush their teeth?

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Speaker 4: Anyone? You're not going to stick your hands up. Oh me,

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Speaker 4: please hold me first. Nobody's going to move.

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Speaker 3: So the way that I communicate is going to make

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Speaker 3: a difference. So it's not always just love and rainbows

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Speaker 3: and connection. It's sometimes going guys, I'm turning off the

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Speaker 3: TV in three minutes. Okay, it's off. I'm putting the

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Speaker 3: remote up there. It is teeth time. Who's going first?

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Speaker 3: Do you want to brush? Do I want to brush?

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Speaker 3: We're taking charge, We're letting our child. No, this isn't

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Speaker 3: a question. This is something I need you to move

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Speaker 3: forward with. And I think it's about our confidence with

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Speaker 3: the way.

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Speaker 4: We say that too.

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Speaker 3: Okay, authority got to take charge sometimes, So we know

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Speaker 3: at this.

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Speaker 1: Young age that listening is hard. What about body language?

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Speaker 1: Because I like when my son doesn't listen, I automatically

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Speaker 1: get tense and stiff, and I think my body is

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Speaker 1: showing my frustration as much as my voice. That's obviously

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Speaker 1: not a great thing you said before. They read a

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Speaker 1: lot of our body language.

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Speaker 3: Yes, so much, so very important when we are asking

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Speaker 3: our kids to incorporate. I mean, often what we're talking

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Speaker 3: about here, when we say Mikey won't listen, it's often

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Speaker 3: cooperation and moving on with something they need to do.

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Speaker 3: So it's really about boundaries, and so our body does

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Speaker 3: need to be calm and kind and kind of on

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Speaker 3: our child's team, but also need to show that we've

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Speaker 3: got the wheel essentially. So often a big stop sign

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Speaker 3: to a toddler or preschool who's running can be much

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Speaker 3: more effective then don't run, don't run, don't run, stop running,

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Speaker 3: because when we say stop running, we know that kids

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Speaker 3: can take in about you know, two in ten of

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Speaker 3: our words when they're disregulated. And if they're going to

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Speaker 3: hear one of those words, which one do you think

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Speaker 3: they're going to hear?

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Speaker 4: Running? Running? Yes? I'm running?

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Speaker 3: Yes, and instead, you know, we know that we want

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Speaker 3: to give the instruction of what we want them to do,

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Speaker 3: so walking please. But it's so important that our voice,

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Speaker 3: our tone, our body language is that big stop sign

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Speaker 3: and like, hey, I'm going to stop you right there,

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Speaker 3: walking please. This ground is slippery. So whatever it is,

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Speaker 3: it's about the way we instruct. If we have a

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Speaker 3: child running towards the road, you know, we're not going

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Speaker 3: to really politely.

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Speaker 4: Say please load down.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so we've really got to take charge. But definitely

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Speaker 3: I find that using big hand signals like you are

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Speaker 3: a flight attendant. So in that same moment where I say, boys,

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Speaker 3: it's time to brush your shape, I'm literally directing.

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Speaker 4: Them where I want them to go.

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Speaker 3: Okay, come on, everybody, And we're being quite clear with

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Speaker 3: our body language because again, kids are visual learners. They

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Speaker 3: need us to show them what we mean a lot

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Speaker 3: of the time because even if they understand all our words,

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Speaker 3: their ability to process.

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Speaker 4: Them in the moment is limited.

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Speaker 1: Is there a reason why they don't take in all

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Speaker 1: of our words before My son knows the words, yeah,

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Speaker 1: knows the words. He's disregulated, so when he's either excited,

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Speaker 1: it all very focused on what he's doing, or even

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Speaker 1: if he's just really into his play, you know, really

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Speaker 1: really focused you're talking, but his brain can't multifocus. So

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Speaker 1: it's not that he can't understand those words, he just

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Speaker 1: can't process them, all of them in time.

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Speaker 3: So the other thing we can do is limit the words.

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Speaker 3: Like sometimes saying shoes on is much more effective then Hi, darling,

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Speaker 3: I needed to put.

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Speaker 4: And our child's just like whoa.

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Speaker 3: There were so many words and I'm just focused on

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Speaker 3: putting my toy together before I go or whatever, or

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Speaker 3: I'm sad about the fact I have to stop playing.

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Speaker 3: And if we can just give those two word instructions,

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Speaker 3: they are much more likely to hear that, because yeah,

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Speaker 3: they just can't take in all of those words at once.

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Speaker 1: So now we know why toddlers aren't always listening to us.

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Speaker 1: It's not their fault, it's how they're programmed. Let's get

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Speaker 1: into the nitty gritty because we need strategies, We need

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Speaker 1: techniques to get our lives happening though they can't hear us.

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Speaker 1: What are some effective strategies and techniques to encourage active listening,

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Speaker 1: Jen and to get our little ones, as you say,

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Speaker 1: to cooperate because oftentimes they do hear it, they just

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Speaker 1: don't want to do it. But we need cooperation for

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Speaker 1: life to go on.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, the biggest thing is just having that understanding

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Speaker 3: that their brains are still developing. So once we know

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Speaker 3: that and we know, hey, when I say too many words, am,

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Speaker 3: we're going to do it.

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Speaker 4: You're going to say, hey, darling, we're running late, and you.

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Speaker 3: Know, and then you go, oh, he hasn't responded, and

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Speaker 3: that's our cue to go, well, kids go well when

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Speaker 3: they can. He wants to be a good kid. He

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Speaker 3: wants to listen. So what's getting in the way. Did

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Speaker 3: I use too many words? Did I not connect first?

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Speaker 3: Is it that he just didn't hear me? Or is

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Speaker 3: it that he's finding it hard to go today? And

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Speaker 3: I need to tune into that.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes I give too many instructions once, brush your teeth,

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Speaker 1: get your hair.

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Speaker 3: Too many a maximum, I mean Alexander's age one one, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Because I'm spitting out what's in my head. But I

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Speaker 1: need to give them in section.

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Speaker 3: And I have to say they say, with teenagers, it's

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Speaker 3: like having a three and four you and I can

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Speaker 3: tell you the brain goes out.

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Speaker 4: The window again and you're back to simple.

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Speaker 1: Instructions, simple and one thing at a time.

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Speaker 4: Simple, we seeing at a time. But you know, it's

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Speaker 4: really funny.

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Speaker 3: Not that long ago, my husband and I realized we

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Speaker 3: were running late and we went into our little boys room,

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Speaker 3: so they six and eight, and we raced in and

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Speaker 3: they were busy, like there was just toys, lego blocks,

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Speaker 3: everything all over the floor and they were having the

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Speaker 3: best time about having a ball.

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Speaker 4: And we're like, oh my god, guys, come on, grab

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Speaker 4: me back, let's go. Let's go.

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Speaker 3: And we looked at each other we cracked up laughing

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Speaker 3: because of what I do for a living, and we're like,

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Speaker 3: we didn't cann act first, and we were sort of

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Speaker 3: just having a bit of a tongue in cheat laugh

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Speaker 3: about it. But literally in unison, we both reached down.

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Speaker 3: One of us touched one of the kids, the other

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Speaker 3: one touched the other one. We said, hey, guys, you

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Speaker 3: guys have had the best time here. We love this

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Speaker 3: is amazing. Now I know it's really hard to stop

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Speaker 3: and go to school.

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Speaker 4: We get it.

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Speaker 3: Okay, so what about we take a photo of exactly

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Speaker 3: how it is so that when you come back it's

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Speaker 3: going to be exactly how you got left it.

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Speaker 4: What do you guys think?

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Speaker 3: And they're like yeah, and so like we took the

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Speaker 3: photo and they were like, okay, bags on, let's go

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Speaker 3: ye And it was so easy and it took less

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Speaker 3: time than if we'd have gone. Guys, we've told you

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Speaker 3: so many times we've got to go, but it's still

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Speaker 3: not intuitive. As parents, we still yell it from across

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Speaker 3: the room. And then it's about catching ourselves and redirecting ourselves.

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Speaker 1: I think, can you talk to me more about that

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Speaker 1: touch first before you're asking or giving the direction. So

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Speaker 1: you touch your son or you touch your little one,

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Speaker 1: what does that do? Does that shift their focus? Does

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Speaker 1: that give them the connection?

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Speaker 3: It's both so imagine that you are that little person.

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Speaker 3: And we know that the mind of children is so incredible,

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Speaker 3: and when they're playing, they are just completely in the moment.

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Speaker 3: They might be literally being an astronaut going to Mars

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Speaker 3: and we're talking about shoes, like you know, they just like,

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Speaker 3: are you kidding?

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Speaker 4: I'm on Mars.

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Speaker 3: So they've got so much going on in those little brains.

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Speaker 3: And in a way we can.

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Speaker 4: Talk, but to cut through that real.

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Speaker 3: Imagination or that real mindfulness that's happening, if we touch

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Speaker 3: them first. It's almost like our child's like, oh hey, and.

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Speaker 4: See there, snuff out of it into the real world.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So just that touch first, and then of course

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Speaker 3: by touching, we're connecting. I heard us saying the other

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Speaker 3: day it's like kids need one hug for survival and

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Speaker 3: two for maintenance, and really it's like ten a day

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Speaker 3: minimum to really go well. So it's just another way

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Speaker 3: of touching and connecting. And that's how our children process love.

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Speaker 3: So it's so important that we add that to what

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Speaker 3: we're doing because it makes them feel close to us

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Speaker 3: or connected, and kids feel connected go better when we.

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Speaker 1: Want to get our total attention. Is it important that

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Speaker 1: we limit destructions? Do we do that first?

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Speaker 4: Because yes, definitely.

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Speaker 1: I mean I've done it the other way around and

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Speaker 1: it didn't go well.

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Speaker 3: I mean, who's tried to say it's sinner time and

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Speaker 3: your child's watching a screen and like, there's no chance,

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Speaker 3: especially with screen use, which is totally part of our lives,

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Speaker 3: don't get me wrong. We've got to know that there's

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Speaker 3: no way a child can compute anything you're saying if

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Speaker 3: there is a screen on in the room, period.

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Speaker 4: They just cannot. And so it might be about okay.

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Speaker 3: So first I've got to turn that screen off, and

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Speaker 3: then I'm going to have to sit in the discomfort

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Speaker 3: of the fact that that upset you that I turned

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Speaker 3: the screen off, and then I can tell you what's

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Speaker 3: going to happen next.

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Speaker 4: So it's definitely about limiting distractions.

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Speaker 1: I've been in a situation before when I've needed my

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Speaker 1: son to listen and it's triggered a major meltdown. So

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Speaker 1: I've obviously done that in the wrong way because my

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Speaker 1: anxiety and rush has come out. But as the adult,

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Speaker 1: I've got to hold that in and approach Alexander to

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Speaker 1: get his attention the right way. How do we stop

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Speaker 1: the big giant meltdowns when we need them to listen?

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Speaker 3: Meltdowns are part of life, and that meltdown may have

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Speaker 3: been coming anyway, and in fact, that meltdown may have

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Speaker 3: needed to happen. So it's you know, sometimes by asking

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Speaker 3: our chob to go from A to B, there is

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Speaker 3: a big feeling that's going to come out, and that's

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Speaker 3: something that needed to happen. They needed to get that out,

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Speaker 3: and it's better out than in. So I wouldn't be

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Speaker 3: worried ever about a meltdown that's part of growing up,

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Speaker 3: you know, And I know that's hard, but you didn't

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Speaker 3: cause that. That's just a feeling and there's nothing wrong

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Speaker 3: with that feeling. It's changing out. But look, you know,

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Speaker 3: we do need to get from A to B, and

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Speaker 3: sometimes it would be nice if that happened without a meltdown.

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Speaker 3: So I would be saying, really, if we were to

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Speaker 3: sort of break it down into four or five steps,

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Speaker 3: we want to really take a deep breath ourselves. We

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Speaker 3: want to get close and touch. We want to connect first,

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Speaker 3: so we want to say, wow, I can see what

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Speaker 3: you're doing, or I can see this is hard. Then

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Speaker 3: you want to whisper the instruction. And this is so

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Speaker 3: important because it's tempting to yell or to raise our voice,

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Speaker 3: but it is so much more powerful to say I

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Speaker 3: need you to get your shoes on, and I'm telling

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Speaker 3: you kids go oh, you know, they hear us better

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Speaker 3: by having a lower tone. It's interesting, but also it's

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Speaker 3: less threatening, so they're just more able to move forward.

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Speaker 3: And then we want to connect before we direct, right,

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Speaker 3: So it's about noticing what they're doing before you say,

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Speaker 3: I know it's hard to stop doing that, and now

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Speaker 3: we need to do this, and then we need to

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Speaker 3: follow through. And this is the hardest bit, and this

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Speaker 3: may make your child have some big feelings when you

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Speaker 3: follow through and say it is time to brush your

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Speaker 3: teeth or it is bedtime, and I know that's hard.

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Speaker 3: There may be some big feelings and that's an okay

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Speaker 3: thing because big feelings have to come out at some point.

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Speaker 3: They're going to come out with their safe base, which

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Speaker 3: is us, and they're going to come out at times

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Speaker 3: of transition. And if we can accept you know what, Okay,

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Speaker 3: a big feeling is going to come out right now

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Speaker 3: as we brush teeth. But if we don't do it now,

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Speaker 3: we're kicking that can down the road. It's going to

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Speaker 3: come out at bedtime or through the night. So it's

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Speaker 3: actually better to embrace it and say, Okay, there's some

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Speaker 3: stuff you need to get out and let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Can we talk about when it's not the ideal time

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Speaker 1: in a parent's life for the child to not listen

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Speaker 1: or not have a meltout. I've seen you do some

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Speaker 1: amazing content on your Instagram, and it's happened to me

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Speaker 1: recently when I've been driving on a freeway and Alexander

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Speaker 1: drops his toy on the floor and he wants me

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Speaker 1: to grab the toy, but I can't because I'll crush

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Speaker 1: the car, yes, and.

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Speaker 4: He gets upset. I get frustrated.

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Speaker 1: And what do we do when they just won't listen

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Speaker 1: because they want the toy off the floor but it's

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Speaker 1: not safe as an adult.

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Speaker 3: Yes, So this situation just sends a shividat my spine

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Speaker 3: because as a mum of four, how many times has

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Speaker 3: your child dropped the bottle or the toy in the car?

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Speaker 3: And we as parents, we're sort of like, I can't

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Speaker 3: pick it up right now, They're going I drop my

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Speaker 3: toy and they're getting more upset, and then we're sort

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Speaker 3: of like, you know, do you want me to get arrested?

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Speaker 4: Yes, the police will take mommy away, you know. And

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Speaker 4: you know we do.

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Speaker 3: We build and build and build, and no one's listening

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Speaker 3: to anyone. We're going in with logic, our child's going

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Speaker 3: in with emotion and nobody's listening.

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Speaker 4: And I couldn't.

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Speaker 3: Believe the change when I learned about just leaning into emotions.

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Speaker 3: And I remember one day driving along and my son

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Speaker 3: dropped something and then I just met him exactly where

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Speaker 3: he was at, and I said back literally in the toy.

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Speaker 4: He was like, and I was like, you dropped your

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Speaker 4: toy and he was like yeah. I was like, you

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Speaker 4: really didn't want to drop it.

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Speaker 3: I was like, I was like, this is so hard.

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Speaker 3: He's like, to them, it is and he was like yeah,

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Speaker 3: And I'm being authentic. I'm like, you know, I hear you,

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Speaker 3: and then there's this silence and then you just say

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Speaker 3: at the next lights, I will pick it up. And

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Speaker 3: often they can then hear you because you've heard them.

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Speaker 3: But our instinct always as parents is to explain the logic,

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Speaker 3: and when our child is emotional, they can't hear that

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Speaker 3: logic until they've been heard.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Game changer.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it is a game changer so much.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so we're talking toddlers and preschoolers obviously, Jenen, but

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Speaker 1: babies can hear. But when do they start taking in

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Speaker 1: what we're saying or our tone or how we speak

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Speaker 1: to our partner, Like do we get like six months

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Speaker 1: grace from birth?

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Speaker 3: And I heard the most incredible study the other day.

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Speaker 3: They played a tape recording to newborn babies who were

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Speaker 3: sleeping of four hundred and fifty different adult voices, and

437
00:18:44,014 --> 00:18:46,814
Speaker 3: on that tape recording would be their parents at some point,

438
00:18:46,974 --> 00:18:50,094
Speaker 3: and they played that to sleeping babies, and when their

439
00:18:50,174 --> 00:18:52,934
Speaker 3: own parents' voices came on the tape recording, even though

440
00:18:52,934 --> 00:18:56,294
Speaker 3: these newborn babies were asleep, their heart rates elevated and

441
00:18:56,294 --> 00:18:59,214
Speaker 3: their brain activity lit up, So they know their parents

442
00:18:59,334 --> 00:19:02,174
Speaker 3: at birth, even in their sleep. And we know that

443
00:19:02,214 --> 00:19:05,734
Speaker 3: one of the biggest ways to promote our kids' ability

444
00:19:05,814 --> 00:19:09,174
Speaker 3: to talk so their speech and language development is to

445
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,574
Speaker 3: talk them, but it does something much bigger, So we

446
00:19:11,614 --> 00:19:14,814
Speaker 3: know even from birth. We might find that our little

447
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:18,014
Speaker 3: baby is looking at the light or the trees, and

448
00:19:18,054 --> 00:19:20,294
Speaker 3: we might say, oh, yeah, you're looking at the light,

449
00:19:20,654 --> 00:19:22,334
Speaker 3: and it sounds so simple. And if you don't have

450
00:19:22,374 --> 00:19:24,334
Speaker 3: a dog, and you don't already talk to someone who

451
00:19:24,374 --> 00:19:26,574
Speaker 3: you can't talk back, you might think that sounds silly.

452
00:19:26,854 --> 00:19:29,494
Speaker 3: It's called referencing. But the most incredible process is happening

453
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:32,414
Speaker 3: where our child knows that they're being seen.

454
00:19:33,094 --> 00:19:34,894
Speaker 4: They go, oh, wow, you see what I see?

455
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,254
Speaker 3: I am seen, And that is happening honestly from birth,

456
00:19:38,254 --> 00:19:41,414
Speaker 3: from six weeks of age, our kids know, and because

457
00:19:41,494 --> 00:19:44,854
Speaker 3: ninety percent of communication is nonverbal, they are taking in

458
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,174
Speaker 3: that sense of being seen. So even when your baby's

459
00:19:47,214 --> 00:19:49,214
Speaker 3: crying as you change they're nappy and you say, oh,

460
00:19:49,254 --> 00:19:51,494
Speaker 3: I know it'll be over in a minute. They know

461
00:19:51,614 --> 00:19:56,014
Speaker 3: they've been seen, even though they can't cognitively process exactly

462
00:19:56,054 --> 00:19:56,814
Speaker 3: what those words mean.

463
00:19:56,854 --> 00:19:58,414
Speaker 4: So I think they're listening to us from birth.

464
00:19:58,694 --> 00:20:00,854
Speaker 1: Can we talk about what we model in the household

465
00:20:00,974 --> 00:20:03,294
Speaker 1: if there's two parents or you know, other adults and

466
00:20:03,414 --> 00:20:06,814
Speaker 1: maybe someone else is raising their voice and not communicating

467
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:09,174
Speaker 1: or there's not listening happening in adults. So kids pick

468
00:20:09,254 --> 00:20:11,814
Speaker 1: up on those communication styles even at this young age.

469
00:20:11,854 --> 00:20:14,254
Speaker 3: Yeah, Unfortunately, they pick up everything we put down, so

470
00:20:14,694 --> 00:20:16,854
Speaker 3: they are picking up what we model. And it is

471
00:20:17,014 --> 00:20:20,974
Speaker 3: our ability to listen to others that's going to teach

472
00:20:21,014 --> 00:20:23,534
Speaker 3: our child how to listen to And it might be

473
00:20:23,654 --> 00:20:27,174
Speaker 3: modeling listening at the cash register when you're out, it

474
00:20:27,254 --> 00:20:31,014
Speaker 3: might be modeling it with your partner and listening to them.

475
00:20:31,334 --> 00:20:34,374
Speaker 3: So it's our ability to listen to our child when

476
00:20:34,414 --> 00:20:35,614
Speaker 3: they talk to us.

477
00:20:35,654 --> 00:20:37,454
Speaker 4: And sometimes we are like, mummy's.

478
00:20:37,094 --> 00:20:39,854
Speaker 3: Busy, you know, and it's really hard, Like, you know,

479
00:20:39,894 --> 00:20:41,974
Speaker 3: I've got four kids, and last night my youngest son

480
00:20:42,094 --> 00:20:43,854
Speaker 3: was like, I want to show you I've done a comic.

481
00:20:43,974 --> 00:20:45,454
Speaker 3: I want to show you like you know, and I

482
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,974
Speaker 3: was like, I can't, I can't, I can't, and it's

483
00:20:48,054 --> 00:20:50,774
Speaker 3: just sort of that's going to happen. But tuning back

484
00:20:50,814 --> 00:20:53,014
Speaker 3: in later and going show me that comic you're trying

485
00:20:53,054 --> 00:20:54,934
Speaker 3: to show me, I really want to hear more about it.

486
00:20:55,374 --> 00:20:56,214
Speaker 4: So being able to.

487
00:20:56,174 --> 00:20:58,294
Speaker 1: Go back to you know, several children, how do you

488
00:20:58,334 --> 00:20:59,214
Speaker 1: listen to everyone it want?

489
00:20:59,254 --> 00:21:01,894
Speaker 4: Oh you can't, let me tell you you can't.

490
00:21:02,414 --> 00:21:04,294
Speaker 1: So it's making a mental note that that company is

491
00:21:04,334 --> 00:21:05,814
Speaker 1: feeling for that little one. And I can't do it

492
00:21:05,854 --> 00:21:06,974
Speaker 1: all at once, but I'll come back.

493
00:21:07,014 --> 00:21:08,454
Speaker 3: I can't do it all at once, but I care

494
00:21:08,494 --> 00:21:11,294
Speaker 3: about this and so as soon as I'm finished with this,

495
00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:13,894
Speaker 3: I'm going to come back and find out more about that.

496
00:21:14,174 --> 00:21:16,774
Speaker 4: And I can't wait and then following through and.

497
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,934
Speaker 3: It's never going to be perfect, but I think they

498
00:21:18,974 --> 00:21:20,774
Speaker 3: know when we're authentic about it, and they know when

499
00:21:20,774 --> 00:21:22,414
Speaker 3: we're like, okay, I'm back, I want to know more.

500
00:21:22,734 --> 00:21:26,294
Speaker 3: And it's really about listening wholeheartedly on that moment rather

501
00:21:26,374 --> 00:21:28,214
Speaker 3: than having to listen to absolutely everything.

502
00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:31,174
Speaker 4: Because if you've got a really chatty preschooler, you know.

503
00:21:31,214 --> 00:21:33,414
Speaker 3: Some people are like mum Wise of sky Blue, and

504
00:21:33,494 --> 00:21:35,374
Speaker 3: you know sometimes you just can't listen to everything, and

505
00:21:35,414 --> 00:21:39,214
Speaker 3: that's okay. It's about taking really concentrated moments every now

506
00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:40,934
Speaker 3: and then and focusing in on that.

507
00:21:41,054 --> 00:21:41,534
Speaker 4: I love that.

508
00:21:41,614 --> 00:21:43,574
Speaker 1: For me, The whole takeaway for the episode is the touch,

509
00:21:43,574 --> 00:21:45,694
Speaker 1: because I completely relate to that too, and you know,

510
00:21:45,774 --> 00:21:47,454
Speaker 1: I have a million things going on to my brave,

511
00:21:47,454 --> 00:21:49,334
Speaker 1: but if someone gently touches me and what's my attention,

512
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:50,774
Speaker 1: it really just kind of brings me back to the

513
00:21:50,774 --> 00:21:52,494
Speaker 1: present and it makes sense for our little ones too.

514
00:21:52,734 --> 00:21:53,214
Speaker 4: Yeah.

515
00:21:53,294 --> 00:21:55,734
Speaker 1: Well, that brings us to the end of this episode

516
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:58,134
Speaker 1: of How to Build a Human Join us next week

517
00:21:58,174 --> 00:22:01,094
Speaker 1: to talk through little FIBs, tall tales, and ways to

518
00:22:01,214 --> 00:22:03,134
Speaker 1: encourage the truth from your toddler.

519
00:22:03,454 --> 00:22:05,174
Speaker 4: Here's a little bit of what you can expect.

520
00:22:05,494 --> 00:22:08,414
Speaker 1: How do children actually develop the ability to lie?

521
00:22:08,534 --> 00:22:10,454
Speaker 4: It's instinct. It's survival.

522
00:22:10,974 --> 00:22:15,054
Speaker 3: We're the only species that are dependent on relationship and

523
00:22:15,054 --> 00:22:16,174
Speaker 3: connection for survival.

524
00:22:16,294 --> 00:22:17,694
Speaker 4: Every other species it's.

525
00:22:17,494 --> 00:22:19,774
Speaker 3: Food and shelter, and as long as I've got that,

526
00:22:19,854 --> 00:22:23,854
Speaker 3: I'm okay. But for us, we literally die without connection.

527
00:22:24,054 --> 00:22:24,574
Speaker 4: We need it.

528
00:22:24,854 --> 00:22:28,054
Speaker 3: So our kids really are so dependent on us for

529
00:22:28,174 --> 00:22:32,494
Speaker 3: survival and our love a survival that they will instinctively

530
00:22:32,574 --> 00:22:33,294
Speaker 3: learn to lie.

531
00:22:33,174 --> 00:22:34,254
Speaker 4: To protect a relationship.

532
00:22:34,374 --> 00:22:36,654
Speaker 3: But also we've got to remember that developmentally, kids live

533
00:22:36,654 --> 00:22:40,014
Speaker 3: in that fantasy world and so that understanding is going

534
00:22:40,014 --> 00:22:43,054
Speaker 3: to come on much much slower, and sometimes, you know,

535
00:22:43,174 --> 00:22:47,494
Speaker 3: a lie at four, it's really kind of something they

536
00:22:47,494 --> 00:22:49,934
Speaker 3: can almost believe because it's part of the story that

537
00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:50,974
Speaker 3: they're telling themselves.

538
00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:52,814
Speaker 4: See you next week. Bye.

539
00:22:56,854 --> 00:22:58,774
Speaker 2: We hope you enjoyed this episode of How to Build

540
00:22:58,774 --> 00:23:00,694
Speaker 2: a Human. To hear the rest of the latest season,

541
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:03,414
Speaker 2: follow the link in our show notes, and while you're there,

542
00:23:03,534 --> 00:23:05,574
Speaker 2: make sure you're following the quickie too, so you never

543
00:23:05,574 --> 00:23:07,934
Speaker 2: miss what's happening in the news. We'll catch you again

544
00:23:07,974 --> 00:23:09,214
Speaker 2: at six am Monday.

545
00:23:09,614 --> 00:23:09,814
Speaker 1: Yeah,