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Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother mea podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges

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Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast

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Speaker 1: is recorded on There are many great loves women can

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Speaker 1: find in their lives. Best friends, sisters, the one, the

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Speaker 1: one who got away, and of course the gay best friend.

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Speaker 2: I was obsessed with him in every way. I was

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Speaker 2: getting everything I ever wanted from a relationship, even financially.

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Speaker 2: He was paying for our rent and all of our

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Speaker 2: bills and everything. Anything I wanted I could ask him

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Speaker 2: and he would help me. It was honestly the perfect relationship,

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Speaker 2: except we weren't having sex.

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Speaker 1: It really is a love like no other. And because

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Speaker 1: it's a friendship, deep and fulfilling, but tonic, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have the same pressures as a romantic relationship. Nowhing can

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Speaker 1: ever come between you or change what you have.

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Speaker 2: One day, when he was at work, I received an

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Speaker 2: email and it came from a lawyer. Once I received

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Speaker 2: the contract, I realized in that moment that my life

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Speaker 2: was never going to be the same again.

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Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex

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Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who live them. Meet Lauren

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Speaker 1: at eighteen. Like many a Kiwi before her, Lauren moved

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Speaker 1: from the land of the Big White Cloud to the

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Speaker 1: land down Under and there she found a whole new

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Speaker 1: vibe tribe. To kick off her adult life.

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Speaker 2: Moved to Sydney from Dunedin, New Zealand, fresh out of

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Speaker 2: high school. I'd moved in with my sister who had

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Speaker 2: been living in Sydney for a few years. And my

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Speaker 2: sister was really involved in the LGBTQ community in Sydney. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: she had a girlfriend and I moved in with them

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Speaker 2: and decided to you know, find a little admund job.

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Speaker 2: And my sister was really my social life back then.

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Speaker 2: I was really involved with my sister's friends. You know,

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Speaker 2: she had a lot of gay friends, a lot of

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Speaker 2: lesbian friends, and yeah, we had a great, big group

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Speaker 2: of friends and we had a lot of parties at

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Speaker 2: our house. Yeah, and that's how I met Jason.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so the love interest in this story is called Jason.

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Speaker 2: He was really muscular. He was a bit older than

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Speaker 2: our friendship group as well. He was quite chiseled and

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Speaker 2: had facial hair like he was older than me. I

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Speaker 2: was eighteen and he was thirty one, and he kind

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Speaker 2: of stood out to me, and he was good looking,

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Speaker 2: like he was a really handsome guy. He was quite

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Speaker 2: affectionate with me straight away, which I enjoyed, and for

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Speaker 2: him to give me attention in a way that I

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Speaker 2: hadn't really had before I was only eighteen. You know,

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Speaker 2: he was interested in me in like wanting to get

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Speaker 2: to know me, and he wanted to buy me a drink,

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Speaker 2: he wanted to dance with me, and yeah, I'd never

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Speaker 2: really experienced that before. It was all very new, and

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Speaker 2: I liked the attention to be honest, and he was

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Speaker 2: more masculine than my friends were, So I was drawn

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Speaker 2: to him for that reason, especially because I'm straight and

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Speaker 2: I thought he was a straight man like in our

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Speaker 2: friendship group. But when I got to talking to him,

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Speaker 2: I found out that he actually was gay.

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Speaker 1: Ah, right, maybe I jumped the gun there.

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Speaker 2: As he were, he just became someone in our friendship group.

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Speaker 2: Like in our community, we had people of all sorts,

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Speaker 2: of different backgrounds, different ages, so it wasn't unusual for

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Speaker 2: us to hang out with like an older gay person

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Speaker 2: because you know, like in Sydney, the community is really

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Speaker 2: tight and it's quite small actually, so everyone kind of

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Speaker 2: knows everyone and everyone does socialize together. Yeah, So that's

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Speaker 2: how we first met. And actually that first night, we

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Speaker 2: went out clubbing, like on Oxford Street, and we were

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Speaker 2: quite drawn to each other. And I don't necessarily know why,

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Speaker 2: but he took a liking to me, like he was

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Speaker 2: quite affectionate, quite off the bat, like in terms of,

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Speaker 2: you know, holding hands and putting his arm around me,

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Speaker 2: you know, just like dancing in the nightclub and stuff.

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Speaker 2: He was just another one of our gay friends, you know,

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Speaker 2: at the party, and he had a boyfriend. So I

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Speaker 2: wasn't interested in him like that at all. We actually

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Speaker 2: clicked from that first night because the very next day,

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Speaker 2: like our friends went to the beach and we all

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Speaker 2: hung out together that same day and he was there,

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Speaker 2: and that's where I had the opportunity to kind of

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Speaker 2: talk to him and get to know him a little

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Speaker 2: bit more on a friendship basis.

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Speaker 1: Okay, I knew I was sensing some chemistry here. Lauren

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Speaker 1: might have just met the other great male love in

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Speaker 1: a woman's life, the gay best friend.

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Speaker 2: We had been close friends socially, hanging out in the

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Speaker 2: same group partying together, going clubbing and dancing and stuff.

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Speaker 2: After six months, he had broken up with his boyfriend

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Speaker 2: and he needed to move out, and my sister was

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Speaker 2: moving out with her girlfriend, and so I said to him, look, Jason,

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Speaker 2: I have a room available. Do you want to move

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Speaker 2: in with me? You know I trust you, and I'm

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Speaker 2: looking for someone who can afford to pay the rent

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Speaker 2: and the bills, etc. So he took that opportunity and

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Speaker 2: he moved in straight away. Pretty much, I just thought

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Speaker 2: I'd be living with my friend and it was just

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Speaker 2: going to be the same as living with any other

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Speaker 2: friend really. But when he moved in, we just became

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Speaker 2: best of friends, like almost overnight. And it was because,

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Speaker 2: like I said before, he showed so much interest in

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Speaker 2: my life. He wanted to go and do the things

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Speaker 2: that I enjoyed. He wanted to go for runs on

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Speaker 2: the beach and things like that, all the things that

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Speaker 2: I really liked to do. We grew to be best

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Speaker 2: friends really really quickly. Like we did everything together. We

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Speaker 2: went out for dinners together, and people did think that

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Speaker 2: we were a couple because we were always together. He

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Speaker 2: was really affectionate with me when we'd go out in public.

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Speaker 2: We held hands and you know, he would put his

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Speaker 2: arms around me and I loved that, but he was

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Speaker 2: still seeing other men. I was seeing dating guys at

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Speaker 2: the time, and we would sometimes hang out together in

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Speaker 2: groups when we were dating other people. We would go

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Speaker 2: on double dates and it was really fun. But everyone

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Speaker 2: knew that with me came Jason, my gay best friend.

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Speaker 2: Everyone knew that. Everyone who I dated knew that I

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Speaker 2: was going to be with my gay best friend no

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Speaker 2: matter what. And you know, my relationships didn't last, and

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Speaker 2: sometimes it was because of that. They thought they were

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Speaker 2: third wheeling with Jason. Because Jason was so involved in

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Speaker 2: my life and every aspect of my life. Most of

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Speaker 2: the time, the guys that I was dating felt uncomfortable

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Speaker 2: around him, especially because he was so affectionate, and you know,

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Speaker 2: he would tell me that he loved me in front

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Speaker 2: of like guys. Yeah, people just they just were uncomfortable

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Speaker 2: with that. Jason was very similar. He had short flings

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Speaker 2: with guys, like he would meet guys online or meet

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Speaker 2: guys out clubbing, and it would be a couple of weeks,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes they would feel the same way about me.

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Speaker 2: You know, they would be like, why is Lauren always here?

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Speaker 2: Why can't we go out just us, like without Lauren?

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Speaker 2: But Jason would want me to be there. He would

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Speaker 2: always invite me, and sometimes we would have plans and

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Speaker 2: then he would invite his boyfriend at the time to

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Speaker 2: be like, do you want to do this with Lauren?

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Speaker 2: And I yeah, And so nothing ever really stuck with

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Speaker 2: either of us, and we bonded over that. I think, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, when a relationship would break down, we would

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Speaker 2: comfort each other, we would talk about it, you know,

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Speaker 2: we would be like scrolling on Tinder together, like, you know,

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Speaker 2: trying to set each other up with other people. That

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Speaker 2: was a really normal part of our friendship. And I

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Speaker 2: almost felt like if I was seeing someone and Jason

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Speaker 2: didn't accept them, I wouldn't even give them the time

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Speaker 2: of day, Like his opinion meant everything to me. He

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Speaker 2: felt the same way as well. Honestly, it didn't bother

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Speaker 2: me because I felt I had everything that I wanted

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Speaker 2: from Jason. Although it wasn't sexual, we did have a

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Speaker 2: deep love for each other and the friendship was fulfilling.

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Speaker 2: The friendship intensified pretty quickly. Jason started working in the

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Speaker 2: minds over in wa and he would do swings that

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Speaker 2: would last for six sometimes eight weeks, so I would

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Speaker 2: be instidity by myself in our apartment, but we would

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Speaker 2: be texting and like calling each other, skyping each other,

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Speaker 2: video skyping each other, like twenty for seven while I

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Speaker 2: was at work, you know, at night he would call

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Speaker 2: me in the middle of the night when he started

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Speaker 2: a shift just to say like, hey, I'm studying my shift.

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Speaker 2: Hope you have a good day. But the things that

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Speaker 2: we would talk about while he was away, it started

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Speaker 2: to get really deep and personal, Like he started to

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Speaker 2: talk to me about his childhood and growing up in

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Speaker 2: a religious family and how he could never come out

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Speaker 2: to his family. That was a really big thing for him.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, it was important to me to help him

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Speaker 2: through that because I really cared about him. His sexuality

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Speaker 2: was a secret to his family. He wasn't from Sydney,

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Speaker 2: and yeah, his family didn't come to visit. He was

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Speaker 2: very active in the LGBTQ plus community and obviously dating

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Speaker 2: man in Sydney. He would go to Mardi Gras and

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Speaker 2: he would get dressed up and all that kind of stuff,

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Speaker 2: which was like really normal to us. And it wasn't

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Speaker 2: until he was working in the Minds and I guess

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Speaker 2: he started spending more time alone and away from us

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Speaker 2: and the comfort of his friends and the community that

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Speaker 2: he knew and loved. That he started to open up

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Speaker 2: a bit more about his family, is upbringing, his childhood,

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Speaker 2: about you know, not being out to his family, and

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Speaker 2: growing up in a religious household. When we would have

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Speaker 2: these late night calls and even just through messaging, he

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Speaker 2: would tell me a lot about his experiences growing up

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Speaker 2: in a church and growing up in a private Catholic school,

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Speaker 2: and just how much shame he felt about his sexuality

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Speaker 2: and he felt that his family would completely disown him

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Speaker 2: if they found out. And that really took an effect

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Speaker 2: on him as he was telling me, because he told

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Speaker 2: me he'd never spoken to anybody else about this, and

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Speaker 2: that it meant a lot to him that I was

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Speaker 2: able to help him through it, you know. And sometimes

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Speaker 2: he wouldn't come home for a month, sometimes six weeks,

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Speaker 2: and when he'd get home, he would just be so

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Speaker 2: relieved that he was able to, you know, live his

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Speaker 2: true self because working in the minds, he kind of

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Speaker 2: put on this front to be the kind of FIFO

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Speaker 2: worker persona that wasn't really him. Yeah, So when he

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Speaker 2: would come back home to Sydney. We would do all

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Speaker 2: the great things that we enjoyed. We would go out

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Speaker 2: and see all of our friends and have a good time.

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Speaker 2: That was that's what made him happy. And then when

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Speaker 2: he would go back, he would like cry to me

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Speaker 2: because he had to go back to this secret life

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Speaker 2: that he hated. It broke my heart because and especially myself,

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Speaker 2: like having my sister, you know, if that was my sister,

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Speaker 2: and I knew that he was happy living that lifestyle,

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Speaker 2: so it did really break my heart knowing that his

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Speaker 2: family didn't really know the real him.

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Speaker 1: This brought Lauren and Jason even closer together. Despite spending

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Speaker 1: weeks apart on other sides of the country, their bond

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Speaker 1: became impenetrable.

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Speaker 2: We loved being together. We could literally just be our

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Speaker 2: most silliest self together and we never judged one another.

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Speaker 2: We always had the best of times when we were together.

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Speaker 2: He stayed working in the minds purely because of the

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Speaker 2: money and the lifestyle that he had. On his weeks off,

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Speaker 2: you know, he would work really hard for four weeks

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Speaker 2: and then he would come home for four weeks, or

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00:14:22,890 --> 00:14:28,930
Speaker 2: sometimes we would go to Fiji for a week, or

219
00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:32,610
Speaker 2: sometimes while he was at work, we would be talking

220
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:35,850
Speaker 2: about how much we wanted to go to Bali, and

221
00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:38,050
Speaker 2: so he would book a trip to Bali and I

222
00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:42,290
Speaker 2: would meet him there after his swing would finish. That's

223
00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:45,810
Speaker 2: the kind of person he was, like, he went above

224
00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:49,570
Speaker 2: and beyond for me. It was never an issue for him.

225
00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:52,930
Speaker 2: He wanted to do the things that I enjoyed, and

226
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:55,530
Speaker 2: he enjoyed them as well. You know, that's just what

227
00:14:55,570 --> 00:14:59,850
Speaker 2: we really liked to do. So for about a year

228
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:04,170
Speaker 2: of him working in the mines, if he wasn't coming home,

229
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:08,770
Speaker 2: we were traveling together. He loved spoiling me as well,

230
00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:12,130
Speaker 2: where he would come home with gifts. We would come

231
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:16,250
Speaker 2: home with like perfume, and he'd send flowers to the house.

232
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Speaker 2: Like he was everything I really needed. I was getting

233
00:15:21,730 --> 00:15:27,130
Speaker 2: everything I ever wanted from a relationship, even financially. He

234
00:15:27,290 --> 00:15:31,370
Speaker 2: was taking care of me financially. He was paying for

235
00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:35,810
Speaker 2: our rent and all of our bills and everything. Anything

236
00:15:35,850 --> 00:15:38,290
Speaker 2: I wanted I could ask him and he would help me.

237
00:15:39,170 --> 00:15:45,330
Speaker 2: It was honestly the perfect relationship, except we weren't having sex.

238
00:15:46,490 --> 00:15:51,970
Speaker 2: After about six months of his four weeks on four

239
00:15:52,010 --> 00:15:58,250
Speaker 2: weeks off swing, the conversations and our communication started to

240
00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:03,770
Speaker 2: get a bit more like talking about our life goals,

241
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,810
Speaker 2: talking about where we want to be in the future.

242
00:16:07,890 --> 00:16:10,690
Speaker 2: Jason started to talk about wanting to have a family

243
00:16:11,730 --> 00:16:14,410
Speaker 2: and wanting to have kids. You know, he was much

244
00:16:14,450 --> 00:16:18,610
Speaker 2: older than me, and at twenty one twenty two, that

245
00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:22,610
Speaker 2: just never crossed my mind to thinking about kids. But

246
00:16:23,130 --> 00:16:25,410
Speaker 2: you know, once he dropped the topic on me, it

247
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:30,530
Speaker 2: was all we talked about. He felt a really strong

248
00:16:30,770 --> 00:16:34,810
Speaker 2: pull to having a kid or a couple of kids,

249
00:16:35,850 --> 00:16:41,610
Speaker 2: and yeah, I was just entertaining the idea of maybe

250
00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:44,970
Speaker 2: having a baby with my gay best friend. I mean,

251
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:49,810
Speaker 2: we did everything else together. And yeah, he would kind

252
00:16:49,810 --> 00:16:52,210
Speaker 2: of tell me like, well, if you don't meet anyone

253
00:16:53,530 --> 00:16:56,170
Speaker 2: before you turn thirty, will you have a baby with me?

254
00:16:57,330 --> 00:17:01,250
Speaker 2: And I thought about him. I did really think, yeah,

255
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:04,530
Speaker 2: why not. I mean I don't have anything else going

256
00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:07,450
Speaker 2: on or anybody else to have a baby with. And

257
00:17:07,650 --> 00:17:10,490
Speaker 2: I could see how great of a provider he was,

258
00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:13,250
Speaker 2: and I did see him as being a really good

259
00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:19,370
Speaker 2: father as well. So yeah, it was something that became

260
00:17:20,530 --> 00:17:22,850
Speaker 2: an important part of our friendship.

261
00:17:23,330 --> 00:17:27,370
Speaker 1: They were as close as two friends could be, possibly closer, really,

262
00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:30,290
Speaker 1: But it was just a friendship, wasn't it.

263
00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:34,370
Speaker 2: On one of his swing breaks. We met in Melbourne

264
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:38,730
Speaker 2: and his mom and dad were that with his two

265
00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:42,730
Speaker 2: little brothers, and his brothers were still in high school.

266
00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:47,450
Speaker 2: They had come a lot a bit later in his parents' life,

267
00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:51,450
Speaker 2: and he presented me to his parents as his girlfriend.

268
00:17:52,290 --> 00:17:58,050
Speaker 2: I knew his struggles with his family, and so I

269
00:17:58,170 --> 00:18:02,770
Speaker 2: understood and I went along with it, you know, and

270
00:18:02,810 --> 00:18:05,130
Speaker 2: they treated me like I was his girlfriend. They were

271
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:08,570
Speaker 2: getting to know me like I was his girlfriend. It

272
00:18:08,690 --> 00:18:17,650
Speaker 2: was almost because we had to play this relationship in

273
00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:22,970
Speaker 2: front of them. But during that time, I just fell

274
00:18:23,010 --> 00:18:24,890
Speaker 2: in love with him. I fell in love with the

275
00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:30,290
Speaker 2: idea of like being his girlfriend for real, not just

276
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:34,650
Speaker 2: in front of his parents. And you know, even when

277
00:18:34,690 --> 00:18:38,250
Speaker 2: we weren't around his parents during that week, he still

278
00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:42,570
Speaker 2: treated me like I was his girlfriend. We'd go out

279
00:18:42,570 --> 00:18:45,930
Speaker 2: for dinners together and he was a gentleman. He would

280
00:18:46,930 --> 00:18:50,730
Speaker 2: open the doors and pull the chair out and actually

281
00:18:51,490 --> 00:18:54,250
Speaker 2: pay attention to me, listen to me and what I

282
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:59,610
Speaker 2: had to say. It wasn't like he was being my

283
00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:02,050
Speaker 2: boyfriend in front of his mum and dad. And then

284
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:04,650
Speaker 2: as soon as they went around, he'd go, oh, anyway,

285
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:08,130
Speaker 2: like let's go back to you know, talking about boys

286
00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:10,530
Speaker 2: and things like that. It wasn't like that at all.

287
00:19:11,170 --> 00:19:14,290
Speaker 2: In the back of my mind, I just thought, no,

288
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:17,210
Speaker 2: no way, like it's impossible, you know, like he's a

289
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:17,730
Speaker 2: gay man.

290
00:19:19,850 --> 00:19:23,090
Speaker 1: Lauren pushed the idea of being Jason's actual girlfriend to

291
00:19:23,210 --> 00:19:25,490
Speaker 1: the back of her mind. It was a silly thought,

292
00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:28,090
Speaker 1: her head messed up with love and feelings, but she

293
00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:31,330
Speaker 1: knew they were misplaced. They'd been best friends for four

294
00:19:31,410 --> 00:19:34,570
Speaker 1: years by this point, of course, she adored him. Anything

295
00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:37,370
Speaker 1: more than a close friendship was just a silly fantasy.

296
00:19:38,050 --> 00:19:44,850
Speaker 2: So one swing, he came home and he immediately wanted

297
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:48,610
Speaker 2: to go out drinking. And this was not something we

298
00:19:48,650 --> 00:19:53,650
Speaker 2: did very often. We never went on random night outs drinking,

299
00:19:54,490 --> 00:19:58,050
Speaker 2: but this particular time he wanted to. So we just

300
00:19:58,730 --> 00:20:00,570
Speaker 2: went out for dinner and we were having some drinks

301
00:20:00,570 --> 00:20:03,090
Speaker 2: and stuff, and then we ended up going to the

302
00:20:03,090 --> 00:20:08,410
Speaker 2: city after that and we got really drunk. He was

303
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:10,850
Speaker 2: just buying me drink after drink after drink, and that

304
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:14,050
Speaker 2: was kind of normal, and we must have been out

305
00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:19,570
Speaker 2: all night dancing, and when we got home we ended

306
00:20:19,650 --> 00:20:24,610
Speaker 2: up kissing. I pushed him away because I thought, no, like,

307
00:20:24,730 --> 00:20:26,970
Speaker 2: we're gonna ruin things. You know, this is going to

308
00:20:27,050 --> 00:20:30,250
Speaker 2: ruin our friendship, and I thought maybe he was just

309
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,850
Speaker 2: like being silly in the moment because we had had

310
00:20:32,850 --> 00:20:36,210
Speaker 2: a few drinks. But he actually said to me like, nah,

311
00:20:36,210 --> 00:20:38,690
Speaker 2: I actually want this, and I feel like you do too,

312
00:20:39,970 --> 00:20:45,290
Speaker 2: and yeah, so it happened. We ended up sleeping together

313
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:49,810
Speaker 2: that night. In the morning, we both woke up in

314
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:55,410
Speaker 2: my bed completely naked, and I just freaked out. I

315
00:20:55,450 --> 00:20:58,330
Speaker 2: got dressed so fast and I left the building and

316
00:20:58,370 --> 00:21:02,050
Speaker 2: I called my sister freaking out because I just thought,

317
00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:04,290
Speaker 2: what have we done? Like We've ruined everything. It's never

318
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:07,090
Speaker 2: going to be the same again. There was a part

319
00:21:07,130 --> 00:21:10,210
Speaker 2: of me that was like, oh my god, I can't

320
00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:14,330
Speaker 2: believe it, Like it's happening, Like maybe he is really

321
00:21:14,370 --> 00:21:17,890
Speaker 2: into me, maybe we are going to have a baby together.

322
00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:23,010
Speaker 2: And then there was another part of me that was

323
00:21:23,090 --> 00:21:26,410
Speaker 2: completely in denial because he was a gay man and

324
00:21:26,490 --> 00:21:28,570
Speaker 2: he like, we had just had a few drinks, so

325
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,410
Speaker 2: I felt like, oh, nah, he's going to have regrets

326
00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:34,090
Speaker 2: in the morning. He's gonna want to move out and

327
00:21:35,810 --> 00:21:38,330
Speaker 2: not want to ever speak to me again. I don't know. Yeah,

328
00:21:38,370 --> 00:21:41,170
Speaker 2: my head was like spinning at that point.

329
00:21:41,930 --> 00:21:43,850
Speaker 1: If Lauren had thought her head was a mess about

330
00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:48,410
Speaker 1: her feelings for Jason before this untapped a whole new level.

331
00:21:48,730 --> 00:21:52,210
Speaker 2: When he said that I want this. When he said

332
00:21:52,330 --> 00:21:58,490
Speaker 2: he wanted to kiss me, I think I just felt like, oh,

333
00:21:58,530 --> 00:22:00,890
Speaker 2: this is the best moment of my life, Like, this

334
00:22:00,970 --> 00:22:04,650
Speaker 2: is what I've been waiting for. I always knew I

335
00:22:04,730 --> 00:22:08,330
Speaker 2: loved my gay best friend, but the fact that he

336
00:22:09,050 --> 00:22:15,410
Speaker 2: actually wanted to kiss me just felt unreal. You know.

337
00:22:15,610 --> 00:22:19,370
Speaker 2: I think the girls that have a gay best friend,

338
00:22:19,410 --> 00:22:22,210
Speaker 2: it's like the dream, you know, because it's like you

339
00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:27,170
Speaker 2: know your best friend and you have everything with that person,

340
00:22:27,530 --> 00:22:31,010
Speaker 2: and for it to be like romantic, it's just it

341
00:22:31,130 --> 00:22:35,930
Speaker 2: never happens. So, I mean, we did live together, so

342
00:22:36,010 --> 00:22:38,930
Speaker 2: I had to go back to the apartment pretty quickly.

343
00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:43,250
Speaker 2: He slept all day that day. He was super hungover,

344
00:22:44,370 --> 00:22:47,410
Speaker 2: I remember because he woke up and it was like

345
00:22:47,450 --> 00:22:51,410
Speaker 2: the next night and I said to him, like, do

346
00:22:51,450 --> 00:22:53,610
Speaker 2: you want to have a chat? Like do you want

347
00:22:53,650 --> 00:22:56,330
Speaker 2: to talk about what happened? And he just had the

348
00:22:56,370 --> 00:22:59,330
Speaker 2: biggest smile on his face and he was like, no,

349
00:22:59,850 --> 00:23:02,610
Speaker 2: do you And I just looked at him and I said, no,

350
00:23:05,330 --> 00:23:08,410
Speaker 2: We'll just leave it for the night, and yeah, and

351
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:11,730
Speaker 2: we did. We just like went back to our normal life,

352
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,610
Speaker 2: but because he had just gotten back from work, we

353
00:23:14,690 --> 00:23:19,010
Speaker 2: had two weeks together with no distractions, no plans or anything,

354
00:23:19,170 --> 00:23:22,610
Speaker 2: so we did take that time to talk about everything.

355
00:23:23,810 --> 00:23:26,650
Speaker 2: I think we were just talking about the first night

356
00:23:27,370 --> 00:23:30,410
Speaker 2: and I asked him, like, you know, how did it

357
00:23:30,450 --> 00:23:33,810
Speaker 2: make you feel because you've never been with a woman before,

358
00:23:35,130 --> 00:23:39,130
Speaker 2: and yeah, in that time, he expressed to me that

359
00:23:39,330 --> 00:23:44,490
Speaker 2: it wasn't about my gender, wasn't about sexuality. It was

360
00:23:44,530 --> 00:23:48,810
Speaker 2: more about our connection and how much we loved each other.

361
00:23:49,930 --> 00:23:55,530
Speaker 2: And he told me that he was comfortable, and we

362
00:23:55,650 --> 00:24:00,130
Speaker 2: slept together a couple more times. We hadn't really talked

363
00:24:00,170 --> 00:24:05,330
Speaker 2: about what we were We just wanted to let it

364
00:24:05,370 --> 00:24:13,170
Speaker 2: happen organically. Yes, so it progressed pretty quickly. So the

365
00:24:13,250 --> 00:24:16,850
Speaker 2: more we talked about having sex, the more sex we had.

366
00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:24,490
Speaker 2: And then he went back to work and everything remained

367
00:24:24,530 --> 00:24:28,650
Speaker 2: the same apart from the fact that we had slept together,

368
00:24:29,730 --> 00:24:36,290
Speaker 2: and our conversations started to turn more into sexting, video chat,

369
00:24:37,330 --> 00:24:42,770
Speaker 2: sending a few pics air in there, and that was

370
00:24:42,810 --> 00:24:46,410
Speaker 2: basically it. We stopped talking about childhood, Trauman, we started

371
00:24:46,410 --> 00:24:52,170
Speaker 2: talking about having sex pretty much, and that was basically

372
00:24:52,210 --> 00:24:55,930
Speaker 2: our life for about three to four months. He would

373
00:24:55,930 --> 00:25:00,130
Speaker 2: go to work, he would come home, we would hook

374
00:25:00,210 --> 00:25:03,130
Speaker 2: up and do the things that we enjoyed. We lived

375
00:25:03,290 --> 00:25:06,850
Speaker 2: like we were together, but we never had a conversation

376
00:25:07,450 --> 00:25:13,330
Speaker 2: about it during that time until I asked him, am

377
00:25:13,370 --> 00:25:17,970
Speaker 2: I a girlfriend? Because we seem to be doing everything

378
00:25:18,010 --> 00:25:22,490
Speaker 2: that boyfriends and girlfriends do. And he just looked at

379
00:25:22,490 --> 00:25:26,570
Speaker 2: me and he was like, honestly, I love you so much,

380
00:25:27,090 --> 00:25:30,130
Speaker 2: and I don't want to be with anybody else, and

381
00:25:30,210 --> 00:25:33,250
Speaker 2: I don't want you to be with anybody else, So

382
00:25:33,570 --> 00:25:37,090
Speaker 2: if you're cool with that, then that's us. We're together.

383
00:25:40,050 --> 00:25:44,490
Speaker 2: I was elated because never in a million years did

384
00:25:44,490 --> 00:25:48,610
Speaker 2: I think that our friendship would turn into a full

385
00:25:48,650 --> 00:25:54,130
Speaker 2: blown relationship where we just loved each other that much.

386
00:25:55,250 --> 00:26:01,250
Speaker 2: And it was amazing, Like we were really happy, and

387
00:26:01,890 --> 00:26:06,610
Speaker 2: all of our friends knew, our families knew, yeah, and

388
00:26:06,610 --> 00:26:11,530
Speaker 2: everyone was quite cool about it. There were a few people,

389
00:26:12,890 --> 00:26:17,650
Speaker 2: my mom and my sister included, who were concerned that

390
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:23,050
Speaker 2: I was not in a good spot. My sister and

391
00:26:23,530 --> 00:26:30,050
Speaker 2: my mom were quite concerned about our relationship because Jason

392
00:26:31,170 --> 00:26:34,130
Speaker 2: he wanted all of my time and attention, and that

393
00:26:34,250 --> 00:26:39,130
Speaker 2: meant taking it away from others, or you know, he

394
00:26:39,210 --> 00:26:42,770
Speaker 2: would want to one up them. If my family was

395
00:26:42,810 --> 00:26:47,690
Speaker 2: going on holiday, he would want to take me to Thailand.

396
00:26:48,210 --> 00:26:51,490
Speaker 2: He would, you know, always want to present something better.

397
00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:56,730
Speaker 2: And because of the way I felt about him, I

398
00:26:56,730 --> 00:27:02,490
Speaker 2: would accept his invite over others. And yeah, that really

399
00:27:02,530 --> 00:27:06,810
Speaker 2: bothered my sister especially, and she was quite concerned about

400
00:27:07,290 --> 00:27:10,970
Speaker 2: our age gap, how naive I was, or how innocent

401
00:27:11,050 --> 00:27:15,330
Speaker 2: I was, and she felt that he was buying my love.

402
00:27:16,290 --> 00:27:18,090
Speaker 2: I would say, you know, you don't know him like

403
00:27:18,210 --> 00:27:21,690
Speaker 2: I do. You don't know you know what he's been through,

404
00:27:21,730 --> 00:27:25,770
Speaker 2: you don't know his background and his family. I'm all

405
00:27:25,810 --> 00:27:29,970
Speaker 2: he has. I would do anything for him, and he

406
00:27:30,010 --> 00:27:32,650
Speaker 2: would do the same thing for me. And I would

407
00:27:32,730 --> 00:27:36,410
Speaker 2: tell my sister if there's anything that you need, if

408
00:27:36,450 --> 00:27:40,010
Speaker 2: you needed something in the middle of the night, Jason

409
00:27:40,010 --> 00:27:44,290
Speaker 2: would be there for you because he loves me that much.

410
00:27:44,370 --> 00:27:49,690
Speaker 2: And my sister just allowed it because she wanted to

411
00:27:49,730 --> 00:27:53,370
Speaker 2: be at least a little bit of part of my

412
00:27:53,450 --> 00:27:57,970
Speaker 2: life rather than nothing at all. My Mom's not a crude.

413
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:01,370
Speaker 2: My mom is very open about sex and always has been,

414
00:28:02,210 --> 00:28:06,250
Speaker 2: and she has a very colorful sex life, and you know,

415
00:28:06,330 --> 00:28:09,570
Speaker 2: she's very open. So when I said to her, like

416
00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:15,610
Speaker 2: I'm hooking up Jason, I hooken up, and she was like, oh, yeah, okay,

417
00:28:15,730 --> 00:28:18,250
Speaker 2: that's pretty cool. Yeah, like, if that's what you guys

418
00:28:18,290 --> 00:28:21,170
Speaker 2: are like, you know, if that's what makes you happy

419
00:28:21,370 --> 00:28:26,570
Speaker 2: and all that, that's cool, but make sure you're getting tested,

420
00:28:27,090 --> 00:28:32,450
Speaker 2: make sure we're using protection and things like that. And

421
00:28:33,410 --> 00:28:36,650
Speaker 2: I felt bad because I felt they were judging him

422
00:28:36,730 --> 00:28:41,490
Speaker 2: based on his sexuality or his sexual experience, and I

423
00:28:41,490 --> 00:28:44,610
Speaker 2: didn't think that that was very fear. I was super

424
00:28:44,650 --> 00:28:48,690
Speaker 2: open minded, Like I even said to him, if you

425
00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:52,890
Speaker 2: want to have relationships with men, then please tell me,

426
00:28:53,410 --> 00:28:59,450
Speaker 2: because that is something I cannot fulfill. And we talked

427
00:28:59,450 --> 00:29:01,570
Speaker 2: about that all the time, and he was like, nah,

428
00:29:01,650 --> 00:29:05,330
Speaker 2: like I really don't have that feeling. I feel like

429
00:29:05,370 --> 00:29:10,490
Speaker 2: you're my person and we're good, like just us two,

430
00:29:10,650 --> 00:29:13,610
Speaker 2: you know, which is like exactly what I wanted to hear.

431
00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:18,490
Speaker 1: But it wasn't all immediately easy and rosy. Lauren didn't

432
00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:21,210
Speaker 1: care what anyone else thought about her, but she was

433
00:29:21,250 --> 00:29:25,090
Speaker 1: worried about Jason. He'd always been openly gay, was very

434
00:29:25,090 --> 00:29:29,050
Speaker 1: active in the LGBTQI community, and there were concerns about

435
00:29:29,090 --> 00:29:31,410
Speaker 1: how people may react to this new development.

436
00:29:32,250 --> 00:29:36,210
Speaker 2: I knew people were going to be judgmental, and I

437
00:29:36,330 --> 00:29:40,650
Speaker 2: was really protective of him. I didn't want people to

438
00:29:41,090 --> 00:29:46,810
Speaker 2: treat him differently or you know, past judgment just because

439
00:29:47,370 --> 00:29:52,490
Speaker 2: he was now with a woman. And we did end

440
00:29:52,570 --> 00:29:58,090
Speaker 2: up like secluding ourselves ourselves from our friends because of that.

441
00:29:58,330 --> 00:30:02,450
Speaker 2: We were afraid that, you know, they'd be talking about

442
00:30:02,450 --> 00:30:05,930
Speaker 2: it behind our back, and we didn't want that for

443
00:30:05,970 --> 00:30:13,890
Speaker 2: each other. And yeah, we eventually moved to just being

444
00:30:13,930 --> 00:30:17,770
Speaker 2: with one another. We stopped seeing a lot of our

445
00:30:17,810 --> 00:30:23,210
Speaker 2: friends once the relationship progressed. There's no particular reason why.

446
00:30:23,330 --> 00:30:26,650
Speaker 2: It just kind of happened. People stopped reaching out to

447
00:30:26,730 --> 00:30:31,210
Speaker 2: us to hang out. But I think because we knew

448
00:30:31,290 --> 00:30:38,330
Speaker 2: so many people and our involvement in the gay community,

449
00:30:39,410 --> 00:30:42,370
Speaker 2: it kind of felt like like that wasn't us anymore.

450
00:30:42,450 --> 00:30:48,210
Speaker 2: Because he was like straight. He never came out as

451
00:30:48,250 --> 00:30:53,210
Speaker 2: anything else. He never used words to describe himself or

452
00:30:53,210 --> 00:30:57,090
Speaker 2: his sexuality. He just said like i'm me, I'm me,

453
00:30:57,290 --> 00:30:59,650
Speaker 2: and that We would say that to each other often,

454
00:30:59,770 --> 00:31:03,050
Speaker 2: like this is just us, and you know, there's not

455
00:31:03,090 --> 00:31:06,330
Speaker 2: really one word that can describe it. We were just

456
00:31:06,850 --> 00:31:13,410
Speaker 2: Lauren and Jason. That was it. The relationship was really easy.

457
00:31:14,170 --> 00:31:21,730
Speaker 2: It was very relaxing for me. I didn't really have

458
00:31:22,650 --> 00:31:27,490
Speaker 2: too much to worry about. Jason was a really good partner.

459
00:31:27,890 --> 00:31:37,370
Speaker 2: He was the most amazing listener, and he just understood

460
00:31:37,410 --> 00:31:41,290
Speaker 2: me so well. He offered so much more than what

461
00:31:41,410 --> 00:31:48,810
Speaker 2: our friendship really started with. And that was just like

462
00:31:48,930 --> 00:31:54,330
Speaker 2: his devotion, his love, his affection. Like the way he

463
00:31:54,410 --> 00:31:59,970
Speaker 2: spoke to me was like I was the only person

464
00:32:00,090 --> 00:32:03,690
Speaker 2: in the whole world. And that's how he always treated me.

465
00:32:04,490 --> 00:32:06,650
Speaker 2: Whether he was at work or he was at home,

466
00:32:07,210 --> 00:32:13,890
Speaker 2: it was always about me. I was so in love

467
00:32:13,970 --> 00:32:18,250
Speaker 2: with him and so obsessed with him and the way

468
00:32:18,290 --> 00:32:21,410
Speaker 2: that he provided for me, and like I never had

469
00:32:21,450 --> 00:32:26,210
Speaker 2: to worry about a single thing ever because he just

470
00:32:26,450 --> 00:32:29,690
Speaker 2: like had it all sorted. He had it all organized,

471
00:32:30,330 --> 00:32:34,650
Speaker 2: Like he kept a calendar on the wall and he

472
00:32:34,650 --> 00:32:40,090
Speaker 2: would book my dentist appointments for me and like give

473
00:32:40,170 --> 00:32:43,330
Speaker 2: me the money to pay for like whatever I needed.

474
00:32:43,450 --> 00:32:49,570
Speaker 2: It was just like a very stress free relationship, and

475
00:32:49,650 --> 00:32:53,850
Speaker 2: I think that's why I just enjoyed it and I

476
00:32:53,930 --> 00:32:57,730
Speaker 2: lapped it up to you know. I would be like, hey,

477
00:32:57,890 --> 00:33:04,330
Speaker 2: so I heard that, you know, Beyonce's coming to Sydney,

478
00:33:04,610 --> 00:33:08,530
Speaker 2: Like do you want to go? And he would be like, well,

479
00:33:09,490 --> 00:33:11,450
Speaker 2: I don't really like her, but we can go so

480
00:33:11,650 --> 00:33:13,730
Speaker 2: so he would buy me tickets like it. That's just

481
00:33:13,810 --> 00:33:15,770
Speaker 2: the kind of person he was. He wanted me to

482
00:33:15,770 --> 00:33:21,650
Speaker 2: be happy all the time. Our relationship maintained that like

483
00:33:21,730 --> 00:33:26,010
Speaker 2: sexual dynamic, and you know, ramped up the chemistry there

484
00:33:26,130 --> 00:33:30,130
Speaker 2: for a good I want to say, six months, and

485
00:33:30,170 --> 00:33:35,530
Speaker 2: then Jason started talking about having a baby again, having

486
00:33:35,530 --> 00:33:38,810
Speaker 2: a family, and it was like his biggest dream in

487
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,850
Speaker 2: life was to be a dad, and that's all he

488
00:33:41,930 --> 00:33:46,410
Speaker 2: ever wanted. He had names for like his kids, and

489
00:33:47,490 --> 00:33:50,210
Speaker 2: you know, we shared that that stuff with each other.

490
00:33:50,250 --> 00:33:53,930
Speaker 2: It was pretty like normal for friends. And then you know,

491
00:33:54,010 --> 00:33:58,570
Speaker 2: boyfriend girlfriend kind of chat. And he started saying to me, like,

492
00:33:58,810 --> 00:34:01,130
Speaker 2: when do you want to have a kid? Is it

493
00:34:01,130 --> 00:34:04,090
Speaker 2: something that's on the cards for us soon? And that

494
00:34:04,170 --> 00:34:07,770
Speaker 2: felt like the next step as well. But at the

495
00:34:07,810 --> 00:34:12,290
Speaker 2: same time, I was twenty five turning twenty six, I

496
00:34:12,490 --> 00:34:16,970
Speaker 2: still didn't really have that big pool to be a mom.

497
00:34:17,290 --> 00:34:20,410
Speaker 2: I felt like I wanted to continue having fun. I

498
00:34:20,450 --> 00:34:25,730
Speaker 2: wanted to continue traveling and discovering this romantic side of

499
00:34:25,810 --> 00:34:29,570
Speaker 2: us and exploring that a little bit more rather than

500
00:34:29,610 --> 00:34:36,570
Speaker 2: getting a bit too serious. So I entertained his conversations

501
00:34:36,930 --> 00:34:40,490
Speaker 2: about having kids. And that was because I never wanted

502
00:34:40,530 --> 00:34:44,570
Speaker 2: to disappoint him. I always wanted to talk about the

503
00:34:44,610 --> 00:34:47,770
Speaker 2: things he wanted to talk about. I knew I wanted

504
00:34:47,810 --> 00:34:50,730
Speaker 2: to have kids one day, but my timeline wasn't matching

505
00:34:50,810 --> 00:34:53,810
Speaker 2: up with his. And I didn't want to tell him

506
00:34:53,810 --> 00:34:56,890
Speaker 2: that because I didn't want to put him off. I

507
00:34:56,930 --> 00:35:01,810
Speaker 2: didn't want him to have a reason to not like me.

508
00:35:02,730 --> 00:35:06,250
Speaker 2: I wanted to make him happy. But no matter what

509
00:35:06,290 --> 00:35:09,850
Speaker 2: I said, that was the topic of conversation every day

510
00:35:10,010 --> 00:35:15,610
Speaker 2: he was at work. Baby chat. Yeah. And then he

511
00:35:15,690 --> 00:35:20,850
Speaker 2: came home from work one day and he asked me,

512
00:35:21,490 --> 00:35:25,250
Speaker 2: when did I last get my period? I said to him, oh,

513
00:35:25,330 --> 00:35:27,810
Speaker 2: I think maybe like a week ago. And he was

514
00:35:27,850 --> 00:35:29,810
Speaker 2: like perfect, and he picked up his phone and he

515
00:35:29,850 --> 00:35:32,250
Speaker 2: put it in his phone and I was like, wait,

516
00:35:32,290 --> 00:35:35,770
Speaker 2: what are you doing And he's like, oh, nothing, I'm

517
00:35:35,850 --> 00:35:42,610
Speaker 2: just just curious. So that's when it kind of began.

518
00:35:43,530 --> 00:35:48,490
Speaker 2: The baby planning started. He ramped it up. He ramped

519
00:35:48,570 --> 00:35:51,050
Speaker 2: up the baby chat. He wanted to talk about my

520
00:35:51,130 --> 00:35:55,210
Speaker 2: mental cycle, he wanted to talk about my diet, he

521
00:35:55,250 --> 00:35:58,090
Speaker 2: wanted to talk about, like, you know, how many drinks

522
00:35:58,130 --> 00:36:01,810
Speaker 2: I'm having a week, And started asking all of this stuff,

523
00:36:01,890 --> 00:36:03,930
Speaker 2: and he was very open with it. He said, you know,

524
00:36:03,970 --> 00:36:07,290
Speaker 2: we need to prepare. You told me one year. I

525
00:36:07,410 --> 00:36:10,210
Speaker 2: may have said that in a conversation, but in my heart,

526
00:36:10,290 --> 00:36:12,930
Speaker 2: I wasn't feeling like I could have a baby in

527
00:36:12,970 --> 00:36:17,850
Speaker 2: a year. I knew that deep down. So for about

528
00:36:17,890 --> 00:36:22,170
Speaker 2: four weeks when he was home, it was preparing us

529
00:36:22,570 --> 00:36:26,450
Speaker 2: to get pregnant. You know, I would talk about how

530
00:36:26,490 --> 00:36:28,890
Speaker 2: he's much older than me and he doesn't want to

531
00:36:28,930 --> 00:36:33,210
Speaker 2: be an old dad, and it would be a great

532
00:36:33,250 --> 00:36:38,530
Speaker 2: situation for us because I'm young, I'm fertile, I've got

533
00:36:38,570 --> 00:36:41,610
Speaker 2: lots of eggs and I could free some if I

534
00:36:41,650 --> 00:36:44,570
Speaker 2: want to. And it was just everything. It was the

535
00:36:44,610 --> 00:36:50,450
Speaker 2: IVF chat. It was going off medication and even for himself,

536
00:36:50,570 --> 00:36:55,530
Speaker 2: like what vitamins he should take. Yeah, it became super

537
00:36:55,530 --> 00:37:03,690
Speaker 2: serious and very quickly sex was about conceiving. So we

538
00:37:03,810 --> 00:37:09,170
Speaker 2: had been sleeping together for about eight months when the

539
00:37:09,290 --> 00:37:14,010
Speaker 2: sex started to be about how kids, and it was

540
00:37:14,210 --> 00:37:19,490
Speaker 2: every time he was home. The sex was not passionate.

541
00:37:19,810 --> 00:37:25,090
Speaker 2: It became about having a baby. He didn't know, but

542
00:37:25,450 --> 00:37:28,210
Speaker 2: I was taking the pill this whole time because I

543
00:37:28,330 --> 00:37:31,490
Speaker 2: wanted to have some sort of control and I wanted

544
00:37:31,530 --> 00:37:35,570
Speaker 2: to have a say, and you know my decision. But

545
00:37:35,850 --> 00:37:38,810
Speaker 2: my heart just loved him so much. I didn't want

546
00:37:38,850 --> 00:37:41,890
Speaker 2: to let him down. And I just thought, if I

547
00:37:42,050 --> 00:37:45,930
Speaker 2: just like hold off, like you know, so many women

548
00:37:47,010 --> 00:37:50,490
Speaker 2: don't have babies right away, So if I can just

549
00:37:50,570 --> 00:37:53,930
Speaker 2: hold off until, like I'm ready, then I'll go off

550
00:37:53,970 --> 00:37:57,610
Speaker 2: the pill. But because he was so up in my

551
00:37:57,690 --> 00:38:03,250
Speaker 2: business and every aspect of my life, I would get

552
00:38:03,290 --> 00:38:07,250
Speaker 2: my sheets of contraception pill and I would pop them

553
00:38:07,250 --> 00:38:10,890
Speaker 2: all out and put them in my vitamin jar so

554
00:38:11,010 --> 00:38:14,170
Speaker 2: that he did know. He would never check like my

555
00:38:14,370 --> 00:38:17,490
Speaker 2: vitamin C jar, you know. And so that's how I

556
00:38:17,530 --> 00:38:20,570
Speaker 2: took my pill every day when he was home.

557
00:38:22,810 --> 00:38:26,610
Speaker 1: Okay, so this doesn't sound great, surely, Lauren realized that.

558
00:38:27,330 --> 00:38:34,970
Speaker 2: To be quite honest, No, because I just adored him,

559
00:38:35,370 --> 00:38:38,130
Speaker 2: and a part of me loved that he wanted to

560
00:38:38,130 --> 00:38:41,450
Speaker 2: be a dad so much, because I, like, I could

561
00:38:41,530 --> 00:38:45,010
Speaker 2: see myself being with him forever and I could see

562
00:38:45,050 --> 00:38:49,570
Speaker 2: myself having kids with him. It just wasn't right then.

563
00:38:50,210 --> 00:38:54,490
Speaker 2: I just wasn't ready to have a baby like right then.

564
00:38:54,610 --> 00:38:57,890
Speaker 2: I wanted to wait a little bit longer. And even

565
00:38:57,930 --> 00:39:01,370
Speaker 2: though I told him that he was very good at

566
00:39:01,930 --> 00:39:07,050
Speaker 2: getting his way with everything, but also a part of

567
00:39:07,090 --> 00:39:11,650
Speaker 2: me like felt quite empowered because it was my book,

568
00:39:12,650 --> 00:39:16,770
Speaker 2: It's my uterus. You know. He can't just have a

569
00:39:16,850 --> 00:39:19,930
Speaker 2: baby whenever he wants. It doesn't work that way, right,

570
00:39:20,490 --> 00:39:24,770
Speaker 2: So I kept taking my pill, and every day when

571
00:39:24,810 --> 00:39:27,930
Speaker 2: I would take my pill, I would like say to myself, like, yes,

572
00:39:28,650 --> 00:39:32,810
Speaker 2: that's up to you, Like this is your choice, nobody else's,

573
00:39:33,090 --> 00:39:40,450
Speaker 2: And he was just had no idea. Yeah, so I

574
00:39:40,490 --> 00:39:45,530
Speaker 2: would say we were actively trying quote unquote to get

575
00:39:45,530 --> 00:39:49,690
Speaker 2: pregnant for about three months. He thought that it would

576
00:39:49,690 --> 00:39:55,890
Speaker 2: happen really fast because I was young, fit, healthy, young lady.

577
00:39:56,090 --> 00:39:59,050
Speaker 2: He thought I would get pregnant pretty quickly, and of

578
00:39:59,090 --> 00:40:02,090
Speaker 2: course it didn't. One day, when he was at work,

579
00:40:02,570 --> 00:40:07,450
Speaker 2: I received an email and it came from a lawyer,

580
00:40:08,450 --> 00:40:11,170
Speaker 2: but it wasn't written by the lawyer. The letter was

581
00:40:11,170 --> 00:40:16,210
Speaker 2: written by Jason. And I don't know if it was

582
00:40:16,290 --> 00:40:21,050
Speaker 2: real or if it was fake, but the contract basically

583
00:40:21,170 --> 00:40:27,890
Speaker 2: listed a few terms and conditions to being his baby mama.

584
00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:36,010
Speaker 2: Dear Lauren Police. He attached a contract for future children

585
00:40:36,370 --> 00:40:47,250
Speaker 2: with Jason. I had a quick flick through it and

586
00:40:48,010 --> 00:40:53,130
Speaker 2: I just like, I just burst into tears because I

587
00:40:53,330 --> 00:40:56,850
Speaker 2: thought that he was my best friend. We were in love,

588
00:40:57,450 --> 00:41:02,690
Speaker 2: we were like talking about our future. We were potentially

589
00:41:02,730 --> 00:41:06,010
Speaker 2: going to have a family one day. And reading this

590
00:41:06,370 --> 00:41:10,490
Speaker 2: email just was like a stab in the heart because

591
00:41:11,490 --> 00:41:16,010
Speaker 2: the conditions that were listed in this document were disgusting,

592
00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:22,130
Speaker 2: like just something that you would like never ever want

593
00:41:22,170 --> 00:41:25,170
Speaker 2: to give the mother of your children. The first one

594
00:41:25,370 --> 00:41:29,370
Speaker 2: was that I had to return back to my previous

595
00:41:30,130 --> 00:41:36,130
Speaker 2: weight within three months of giving birth. That I would

596
00:41:36,210 --> 00:41:40,810
Speaker 2: have to cover fifty to fifty percent of the expenses

597
00:41:40,850 --> 00:41:44,490
Speaker 2: when it came to having a child, that I was

598
00:41:44,530 --> 00:41:47,890
Speaker 2: not to have a c section, I had to give

599
00:41:47,970 --> 00:41:53,170
Speaker 2: birth naturally because according to his research, a vaginal birth

600
00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:58,290
Speaker 2: is better for the babies microbiom. That he would be

601
00:41:58,370 --> 00:42:04,930
Speaker 2: naming the children, he would choose the names. I don't

602
00:42:05,050 --> 00:42:07,610
Speaker 2: think at the time I even finished reading the document.

603
00:42:07,730 --> 00:42:12,010
Speaker 2: It just made me sick because never ever in my

604
00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:15,930
Speaker 2: life had I seen this side of him before. It

605
00:42:15,970 --> 00:42:18,650
Speaker 2: broke me because here I was thinking I had a

606
00:42:18,690 --> 00:42:22,010
Speaker 2: bit of control around when I was going to conceive

607
00:42:22,890 --> 00:42:28,690
Speaker 2: another life, and here's him sending me all these terms

608
00:42:28,690 --> 00:42:32,970
Speaker 2: and conditions, thinking that he owned me and that I

609
00:42:33,010 --> 00:42:40,010
Speaker 2: would oblige. I immediately picked up my phone and tried

610
00:42:40,010 --> 00:42:43,370
Speaker 2: to call him because I thought it was a prank.

611
00:42:44,250 --> 00:42:47,690
Speaker 2: I thought, like, there's no way he would the depth

612
00:42:47,730 --> 00:42:52,050
Speaker 2: that we went through talking about our future kids, none

613
00:42:52,130 --> 00:42:57,130
Speaker 2: of that ever came up. And that's why I was

614
00:42:57,210 --> 00:43:00,650
Speaker 2: so shocked, Like I just gonn't believe it. And when

615
00:43:00,690 --> 00:43:02,410
Speaker 2: I picked up the phone and tried to call him,

616
00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:06,170
Speaker 2: of course he didn't answer. He knew what was calling.

617
00:43:08,010 --> 00:43:12,090
Speaker 2: I just waited, waited to hear from him, wait to

618
00:43:12,130 --> 00:43:16,770
Speaker 2: see what kind of explanation he could possibly have. When

619
00:43:16,810 --> 00:43:19,730
Speaker 2: we did get in touch, it was probably the next day.

620
00:43:20,770 --> 00:43:26,490
Speaker 2: I asked him pretty straight up. I just said, was

621
00:43:26,610 --> 00:43:29,490
Speaker 2: all of this just to have a kid that you

622
00:43:29,570 --> 00:43:33,930
Speaker 2: can keep as your own? Like, because I felt like, well,

623
00:43:33,930 --> 00:43:36,690
Speaker 2: where do I fit into the picture when the baby comes,

624
00:43:36,810 --> 00:43:41,290
Speaker 2: Like I can't name my own child or have an

625
00:43:41,330 --> 00:43:46,370
Speaker 2: input into the name. Like I asked him, did you

626
00:43:46,490 --> 00:43:50,730
Speaker 2: do this just to have a baby with me? And now,

627
00:43:50,770 --> 00:43:54,130
Speaker 2: of course he said, no, no, no, it's not like

628
00:43:54,210 --> 00:43:58,290
Speaker 2: that at all. I'm just trying to protect myself. I

629
00:43:58,330 --> 00:44:06,930
Speaker 2: had this deep feeling that Jason had planned this to

630
00:44:07,050 --> 00:44:10,490
Speaker 2: have a child to fulfill his dream of having a child.

631
00:44:11,330 --> 00:44:13,810
Speaker 2: At this same time, I was trying to convince myself

632
00:44:13,810 --> 00:44:18,450
Speaker 2: that that wasn't true because of the relationship that we built,

633
00:44:18,610 --> 00:44:21,810
Speaker 2: because of the memories that we had, like the traveling

634
00:44:22,050 --> 00:44:26,650
Speaker 2: and staying up all night talking about like our dreams

635
00:44:26,730 --> 00:44:30,650
Speaker 2: and talking about traveling with our kids and all of that.

636
00:44:30,730 --> 00:44:36,810
Speaker 2: I just couldn't believe that he had manipulated me into

637
00:44:36,850 --> 00:44:42,290
Speaker 2: having a baby. Although I think that that was the case.

638
00:44:43,570 --> 00:44:48,050
Speaker 2: Straight away was like, nah, I'm not doing it no way,

639
00:44:48,290 --> 00:44:52,850
Speaker 2: because I had seen from family members, you know, who

640
00:44:52,890 --> 00:44:57,090
Speaker 2: had had kids young, and the tumultuous relationships that they

641
00:44:57,130 --> 00:45:01,130
Speaker 2: had had with their their kids' fathers, and I just

642
00:45:01,210 --> 00:45:06,650
Speaker 2: thought to myself, I have to pick my kid's father.

643
00:45:08,050 --> 00:45:10,530
Speaker 2: It has to be the most important decision I'm ever

644
00:45:10,570 --> 00:45:15,970
Speaker 2: going to make. Because I thought that this man loved

645
00:45:15,970 --> 00:45:20,050
Speaker 2: me and adored me more than anyone else in the world,

646
00:45:21,090 --> 00:45:26,170
Speaker 2: and he still looked at me like that, like that

647
00:45:26,250 --> 00:45:28,450
Speaker 2: I belonged to him, That he could tell me what

648
00:45:28,530 --> 00:45:32,290
Speaker 2: to do with my body, that he could tell me

649
00:45:32,370 --> 00:45:35,730
Speaker 2: that I had no choice or control around my own kids,

650
00:45:36,850 --> 00:45:40,530
Speaker 2: And yeah, I knew that I had to get out.

651
00:45:41,810 --> 00:45:47,490
Speaker 2: Then once I received the contract, I realized in that

652
00:45:47,650 --> 00:45:50,650
Speaker 2: moment that my life was never going to be the

653
00:45:50,650 --> 00:46:01,330
Speaker 2: same again. I immediately had an emotional change, and it

654
00:46:01,410 --> 00:46:04,530
Speaker 2: was something I couldn't really help. You know, as women,

655
00:46:04,650 --> 00:46:09,330
Speaker 2: we tend to check out emotionally before we do physically.

656
00:46:09,650 --> 00:46:13,610
Speaker 2: And I felt that, and over the course of about

657
00:46:14,730 --> 00:46:19,050
Speaker 2: two months that Paul just felt stronger and stronger. The

658
00:46:19,050 --> 00:46:23,090
Speaker 2: more I thought about getting married, having kids, being with

659
00:46:23,170 --> 00:46:29,610
Speaker 2: a husband who wants to adore me in motherhood and

660
00:46:29,730 --> 00:46:33,610
Speaker 2: enjoy the natural process of, you know, having a family,

661
00:46:34,570 --> 00:46:38,330
Speaker 2: I felt that that wasn't going to happen with Jason.

662
00:46:39,650 --> 00:46:47,290
Speaker 2: After the contract, I wanted to kind of maintain what

663
00:46:47,370 --> 00:46:52,250
Speaker 2: we had and put that behind us, because there was

664
00:46:52,330 --> 00:46:57,050
Speaker 2: so much good in what we had, and I wanted

665
00:46:57,090 --> 00:47:02,370
Speaker 2: to believe that that was a mistake he made. So

666
00:47:02,490 --> 00:47:08,890
Speaker 2: I kind of continued to put in the effort that

667
00:47:09,770 --> 00:47:13,210
Speaker 2: I had done before, you know, keeping up the communication

668
00:47:13,370 --> 00:47:18,010
Speaker 2: when he was away for work and talking about kids,

669
00:47:18,530 --> 00:47:22,170
Speaker 2: talking about the future. I was so afraid of losing

670
00:47:22,250 --> 00:47:26,690
Speaker 2: him that I wanted to keep him interested. But when

671
00:47:26,690 --> 00:47:30,850
Speaker 2: he went back to work, like the messages stopped coming,

672
00:47:31,570 --> 00:47:34,770
Speaker 2: he stopped replying, or he left me unseen a lot,

673
00:47:36,090 --> 00:47:41,770
Speaker 2: and he stopped calling as well, And like I knew,

674
00:47:42,850 --> 00:47:46,250
Speaker 2: I knew that it wasn't going to be the same

675
00:47:46,290 --> 00:47:50,530
Speaker 2: as it was. But every day I would message him

676
00:47:50,610 --> 00:47:53,850
Speaker 2: like hey, babe, how's your day going, And I miss you.

677
00:47:54,290 --> 00:47:58,570
Speaker 2: I can't wait to your home again, and he'd say, hey, thanks, yeah,

678
00:47:58,650 --> 00:48:02,690
Speaker 2: I'm tired, talk tomorrow. And that just was not the

679
00:48:02,810 --> 00:48:06,290
Speaker 2: Jason that I knew and loved. When he got home

680
00:48:06,370 --> 00:48:11,370
Speaker 2: after that swing at work, it was the same. It was,

681
00:48:12,850 --> 00:48:14,890
Speaker 2: you know, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want

682
00:48:14,890 --> 00:48:17,170
Speaker 2: to hang out, he didn't want to do the things

683
00:48:17,210 --> 00:48:21,250
Speaker 2: that we enjoyed. I found that he was, you know,

684
00:48:21,290 --> 00:48:23,890
Speaker 2: going to the gym by himself, when we always did

685
00:48:23,890 --> 00:48:27,450
Speaker 2: that together. We always cooked together, like all of our

686
00:48:27,530 --> 00:48:30,050
Speaker 2: meals like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When he was home,

687
00:48:30,130 --> 00:48:33,610
Speaker 2: we cooked together. The first day he came home, I

688
00:48:33,650 --> 00:48:35,610
Speaker 2: woke up in the morning and he had just eaten

689
00:48:35,650 --> 00:48:38,970
Speaker 2: his breakfast and left. And that was like, yeah, it

690
00:48:39,050 --> 00:48:45,010
Speaker 2: really broke my heart because I knew he was trying

691
00:48:45,010 --> 00:48:49,410
Speaker 2: to send a message, almost like almost trying to prepare

692
00:48:49,450 --> 00:48:54,130
Speaker 2: me for the breakup. I ended up going to my mom's.

693
00:48:54,170 --> 00:48:55,930
Speaker 2: I packed a bag and I went to my mom's

694
00:48:56,010 --> 00:48:58,690
Speaker 2: and I just said, I need to have a breather

695
00:48:58,850 --> 00:49:01,890
Speaker 2: and can't stay with mum. And I, oh, chat to

696
00:49:01,930 --> 00:49:05,090
Speaker 2: you soon, and he just said, yeap, okay. So I

697
00:49:05,090 --> 00:49:09,370
Speaker 2: spent about a month at my mom's and during that

698
00:49:09,450 --> 00:49:15,650
Speaker 2: time I told her everything about how it began and

699
00:49:15,690 --> 00:49:19,890
Speaker 2: how it progressed into what it was, and telling her

700
00:49:20,090 --> 00:49:26,010
Speaker 2: all about, you know, the baby making and how he

701
00:49:26,130 --> 00:49:30,530
Speaker 2: just became so obsessed with wanting to have a baby.

702
00:49:31,490 --> 00:49:37,050
Speaker 2: And my mom, she's a dag. She just said to me, girl,

703
00:49:37,250 --> 00:49:40,410
Speaker 2: if you don't get up out of that house right now,

704
00:49:41,090 --> 00:49:44,210
Speaker 2: you are going to be stuck with that man for

705
00:49:44,250 --> 00:49:46,890
Speaker 2: the rest of your life telling you how to raise

706
00:49:47,130 --> 00:49:51,490
Speaker 2: your baby. And I knew she was right. I knew

707
00:49:51,530 --> 00:49:53,810
Speaker 2: she was right. I just needed a little bit more

708
00:49:53,890 --> 00:49:59,330
Speaker 2: time to process it. And I kind of like wanted

709
00:49:59,410 --> 00:50:01,210
Speaker 2: him to come and sweep me off my feet, Like

710
00:50:01,290 --> 00:50:03,610
Speaker 2: I wanted him to just rock up to mums and

711
00:50:03,930 --> 00:50:07,090
Speaker 2: just say, oh, like I'm sorry, let's just like start over.

712
00:50:07,330 --> 00:50:09,410
Speaker 2: And I would have jumped in his arms right then

713
00:50:09,450 --> 00:50:15,410
Speaker 2: and there. He never came. He would message me like

714
00:50:15,610 --> 00:50:17,650
Speaker 2: every few days and say like when you're coming home,

715
00:50:18,610 --> 00:50:21,210
Speaker 2: and so yeah, maybe maybe this week, maybe next week.

716
00:50:22,170 --> 00:50:27,090
Speaker 2: But he never wanted to resolve anything or you know,

717
00:50:27,330 --> 00:50:30,690
Speaker 2: he never wanted to say sorry. I wanted him to

718
00:50:30,690 --> 00:50:33,930
Speaker 2: say sorry so bad, so that we could just start over.

719
00:50:35,330 --> 00:50:41,690
Speaker 2: I started to kind of map out how I would

720
00:50:41,770 --> 00:50:45,410
Speaker 2: leave and where I would go and what I would

721
00:50:45,450 --> 00:50:50,370
Speaker 2: say to him so that it wasn't a big fight

722
00:50:50,810 --> 00:50:54,170
Speaker 2: it was. I wanted it to be smooth, so that

723
00:50:55,650 --> 00:50:59,170
Speaker 2: I wasn't hurting him. I never wanted to hurt him,

724
00:50:59,730 --> 00:51:06,010
Speaker 2: and I knew that once I did leave, it wouldn't

725
00:51:06,010 --> 00:51:09,770
Speaker 2: be easy. I knew that it would take a long

726
00:51:09,890 --> 00:51:12,650
Speaker 2: time for us to detach from me each other because

727
00:51:13,130 --> 00:51:17,450
Speaker 2: we were in each other's pocket twenty four seven. So

728
00:51:18,610 --> 00:51:24,890
Speaker 2: I eventually went home to collect my things, and I

729
00:51:24,890 --> 00:51:27,730
Speaker 2: didn't want to go alone because I didn't want to

730
00:51:27,890 --> 00:51:30,210
Speaker 2: backpedal on all the work that I had done with

731
00:51:30,250 --> 00:51:33,850
Speaker 2: my mom and my family, my sister. So I knew

732
00:51:33,850 --> 00:51:37,490
Speaker 2: I had to go there with somebody. So I asked

733
00:51:37,490 --> 00:51:40,770
Speaker 2: my brother to come with me. And he liked Jason,

734
00:51:41,010 --> 00:51:44,370
Speaker 2: they were friends, but he didn't care. He wanted me

735
00:51:44,450 --> 00:51:47,810
Speaker 2: to get out of there. So yeah, he took me

736
00:51:47,890 --> 00:51:51,050
Speaker 2: home and I just went into the house and I

737
00:51:51,090 --> 00:51:54,010
Speaker 2: started picking up my things, and a lot of the

738
00:51:54,090 --> 00:52:00,930
Speaker 2: things were his because he took care of everything. He

739
00:52:00,970 --> 00:52:04,210
Speaker 2: paid for everything, he bought everything. So when I was

740
00:52:04,250 --> 00:52:07,050
Speaker 2: packing up my things. I looked around and I realized, like,

741
00:52:07,810 --> 00:52:11,130
Speaker 2: there's like hardly any of me here, you know, like

742
00:52:11,210 --> 00:52:15,530
Speaker 2: a few eggs and clothes and like here straightener and

743
00:52:15,890 --> 00:52:18,170
Speaker 2: a few bits and bobs like that. But other than that,

744
00:52:18,570 --> 00:52:21,050
Speaker 2: it's really like his life and I was just living

745
00:52:21,090 --> 00:52:24,290
Speaker 2: in it. I said to him, like, okay, I'm picking

746
00:52:24,330 --> 00:52:26,130
Speaker 2: up my things and I'm going to move in with

747
00:52:26,130 --> 00:52:31,210
Speaker 2: my mum, and he just gave me a big hug

748
00:52:32,010 --> 00:52:34,650
Speaker 2: and we had a little cry together.

749
00:52:36,090 --> 00:52:39,810
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was really sad. The last thing he said

750
00:52:39,850 --> 00:52:42,450
Speaker 3: to me was just if you ever need anything, I'll

751
00:52:42,450 --> 00:52:47,730
Speaker 3: be there. It was packed up the car and.

752
00:52:49,650 --> 00:52:54,130
Speaker 2: I left and I never went back. We both knew

753
00:52:54,690 --> 00:52:58,010
Speaker 2: we didn't have to have a conversation or like an

754
00:52:58,090 --> 00:53:00,890
Speaker 2: argument or anything. We just knew that that was the

755
00:53:00,930 --> 00:53:04,410
Speaker 2: best thing to do for us. I think he felt

756
00:53:04,490 --> 00:53:07,890
Speaker 2: that he had to let me go because he, like

757
00:53:08,410 --> 00:53:12,450
Speaker 2: I was twenty eight when I left, meant ten years

758
00:53:12,450 --> 00:53:17,530
Speaker 2: with him, and I think he knew that he had

759
00:53:17,530 --> 00:53:20,530
Speaker 2: to let me go and live my life. For the

760
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:25,610
Speaker 2: first few weeks after I left, I stayed in my

761
00:53:25,690 --> 00:53:33,610
Speaker 2: bed and talked to no one and did nothing. I

762
00:53:33,810 --> 00:53:40,530
Speaker 2: was so sad. I was grieving like the friendship more

763
00:53:40,570 --> 00:53:45,690
Speaker 2: than anything. It was more the friendship that I lost

764
00:53:45,810 --> 00:53:49,770
Speaker 2: that I was so so sad about. Like every time

765
00:53:49,890 --> 00:53:53,930
Speaker 2: my phone would light up, I would think, ah'ser him,

766
00:53:54,210 --> 00:53:59,650
Speaker 2: because we like messaged each other all day and I

767
00:53:59,770 --> 00:54:04,170
Speaker 2: missed that, Like my phone stopped going flat because I

768
00:54:04,250 --> 00:54:07,410
Speaker 2: wasn't getting any messages or any calls. And because he

769
00:54:07,610 --> 00:54:11,410
Speaker 2: was my whole world. I didn't really have many friends

770
00:54:11,730 --> 00:54:16,570
Speaker 2: outside of our relationship, so I didn't even really have

771
00:54:16,610 --> 00:54:20,130
Speaker 2: anyone to talk about it with. I didn't really want

772
00:54:20,130 --> 00:54:23,170
Speaker 2: to get to know somebody else and do all that

773
00:54:23,290 --> 00:54:27,570
Speaker 2: again to one day maybe have kids. I thought that

774
00:54:27,690 --> 00:54:30,090
Speaker 2: we were in the right spot to like kind of

775
00:54:30,130 --> 00:54:36,010
Speaker 2: getting there, and it was even though our timings were

776
00:54:36,050 --> 00:54:41,130
Speaker 2: not in line, I did think, yeah, maybe one more year,

777
00:54:41,170 --> 00:54:45,130
Speaker 2: and like, yeah, I'd love to have a baby. Yeah.

778
00:54:45,130 --> 00:54:48,730
Speaker 2: So I was really scared. I was really scared about

779
00:54:49,210 --> 00:54:53,890
Speaker 2: leaving and starting over and meeting someone else. Even though

780
00:54:53,930 --> 00:54:56,770
Speaker 2: I was young at the time, I just didn't feel young.

781
00:54:57,890 --> 00:54:59,890
Speaker 2: It was a big chunk of my life, and he

782
00:55:00,170 --> 00:55:04,370
Speaker 2: was really all I knew. I had had very short

783
00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:09,970
Speaker 2: term relationships, but other than that, I didn't know anything

784
00:55:09,970 --> 00:55:13,970
Speaker 2: else other than Jason. He taught me. Everything that I

785
00:55:14,050 --> 00:55:19,330
Speaker 2: knew about friendship, relationship, sex, like it all started with him,

786
00:55:19,730 --> 00:55:23,010
Speaker 2: and I was petrified of ever doing any of that

787
00:55:23,130 --> 00:55:27,930
Speaker 2: with anybody else. When I first moved to Sydney, I

788
00:55:27,970 --> 00:55:30,930
Speaker 2: didn't really know anyone or anything. I was so young,

789
00:55:32,290 --> 00:55:38,930
Speaker 2: and he took me in and cared for me. He

790
00:55:39,050 --> 00:55:45,330
Speaker 2: protected me. He was so much and he taught me

791
00:55:45,370 --> 00:55:48,850
Speaker 2: so much as well. He really did. I felt like

792
00:55:50,490 --> 00:55:55,010
Speaker 2: he was a gentleman. I felt that he treated me good,

793
00:55:55,290 --> 00:55:59,970
Speaker 2: he adored me. He would tell me I was beautiful

794
00:56:00,090 --> 00:56:05,250
Speaker 2: and that he was the only person that could take

795
00:56:05,250 --> 00:56:09,650
Speaker 2: care of me, and I believed every single word he said.

796
00:56:09,690 --> 00:56:13,370
Speaker 2: I ate it up. Yeah, I felt like a million

797
00:56:13,410 --> 00:56:16,490
Speaker 2: bucks when we were together. Yeah, that's how he made

798
00:56:16,530 --> 00:56:25,850
Speaker 2: me feel. For about a month to eight weeks, I

799
00:56:25,970 --> 00:56:34,050
Speaker 2: was depressed, grieving. I missed him so much. He was

800
00:56:34,210 --> 00:56:37,610
Speaker 2: all I thought about, and I just really hoped that

801
00:56:38,090 --> 00:56:44,450
Speaker 2: he was happy, Like I really hoped that he would

802
00:56:44,450 --> 00:56:47,570
Speaker 2: be able to like find the courage to come out,

803
00:56:48,090 --> 00:56:52,330
Speaker 2: like find a partner and have a baby with his partner,

804
00:56:52,650 --> 00:56:55,170
Speaker 2: because I think deep down that's what he really wanted.

805
00:56:56,050 --> 00:57:02,730
Speaker 2: I felt that his shame of his sexuality was kind

806
00:57:02,730 --> 00:57:06,850
Speaker 2: of tainting his dream, you know, his true dream, which

807
00:57:06,970 --> 00:57:09,690
Speaker 2: was to have a male partner and have a family

808
00:57:09,730 --> 00:57:12,730
Speaker 2: with him. Yeah. I just felt I was doing the

809
00:57:12,810 --> 00:57:17,530
Speaker 2: right thing by going no contact and just leaving and

810
00:57:17,690 --> 00:57:20,010
Speaker 2: letting him do his thing, and maybe he felt the

811
00:57:20,050 --> 00:57:23,370
Speaker 2: same way about me as well. But about three months

812
00:57:23,410 --> 00:57:28,930
Speaker 2: after I moved out, I received a message on Instagram

813
00:57:29,890 --> 00:57:35,930
Speaker 2: and it was from a girl, and the message just said, Hey, Lauren,

814
00:57:36,690 --> 00:57:42,130
Speaker 2: can I ask you a question? Is Jason gay? And

815
00:57:42,610 --> 00:57:46,490
Speaker 2: my heart sank. I felt like I was going to

816
00:57:46,610 --> 00:57:52,610
Speaker 2: vomit because I thought, oh, my gosh, why would somebody

817
00:57:52,650 --> 00:57:56,890
Speaker 2: say that? Because we didn't use labels, we didn't use

818
00:57:57,090 --> 00:58:03,490
Speaker 2: words like that to describe each other. I didn't respond

819
00:58:03,730 --> 00:58:08,370
Speaker 2: to the message because I was just too protective of

820
00:58:08,450 --> 00:58:14,010
Speaker 2: him and it wasn't my place to tell anyone about

821
00:58:14,050 --> 00:58:18,490
Speaker 2: his private life. But I did find out from a

822
00:58:18,530 --> 00:58:22,210
Speaker 2: few of our mutual friends that he was dating her

823
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:26,930
Speaker 2: and they had actually met at work while we were together.

824
00:58:28,090 --> 00:58:31,690
Speaker 2: I felt like receiving that information it was like, great,

825
00:58:32,330 --> 00:58:38,330
Speaker 2: close that book, and now we are Because there was

826
00:58:38,370 --> 00:58:40,530
Speaker 2: always a little part of me that if he said jump,

827
00:58:40,570 --> 00:58:43,370
Speaker 2: I would have said how high even after I left,

828
00:58:43,850 --> 00:58:47,770
Speaker 2: But getting that information was like that was closure for me,

829
00:58:48,810 --> 00:58:53,050
Speaker 2: I could move on. By this stage, I had already

830
00:58:53,050 --> 00:58:55,250
Speaker 2: done a little bit of you know, deep work and

831
00:58:55,450 --> 00:58:58,730
Speaker 2: was working on myself. And you know, if I had

832
00:58:58,850 --> 00:59:01,170
Speaker 2: received that message the day after I walked out of

833
00:59:01,210 --> 00:59:05,610
Speaker 2: their house, I think I would have collapsed. But at

834
00:59:05,650 --> 00:59:10,850
Speaker 2: the time, I really just like felt like, not my monkey,

835
00:59:10,930 --> 00:59:14,410
Speaker 2: not my circuit, you know, like my time is done.

836
00:59:14,530 --> 00:59:19,530
Speaker 2: I've done ten years with this man. I gave him everything, literally,

837
00:59:20,370 --> 00:59:24,810
Speaker 2: like I gave him my body and soul, and now

838
00:59:24,890 --> 00:59:27,570
Speaker 2: it's like up to him to deal with his own demons.

839
00:59:28,050 --> 00:59:32,130
Speaker 2: I didn't hate him, and sometimes I felt like I

840
00:59:32,170 --> 00:59:35,970
Speaker 2: wish I did, so that you know, I could have

841
00:59:36,050 --> 00:59:38,610
Speaker 2: a little bit of like anger, to be like, oh

842
00:59:38,690 --> 00:59:43,210
Speaker 2: this freaking lose ale whatever. But there were too many

843
00:59:43,250 --> 00:59:49,210
Speaker 2: good things about him. Yeah, so that closed it off

844
00:59:49,250 --> 00:59:49,450
Speaker 2: for me.

845
00:59:49,930 --> 00:59:52,130
Speaker 1: It took a while, but Lauren was able to pick

846
00:59:52,130 --> 00:59:54,730
Speaker 1: herself back up and begin to start a new life,

847
00:59:55,130 --> 00:59:58,170
Speaker 1: one without her best friend or her partner. It was

848
00:59:58,210 --> 01:00:01,250
Speaker 1: slow and hard, but she got there and she hasn't

849
01:00:01,290 --> 01:00:02,130
Speaker 1: looked back since.

850
01:00:02,610 --> 01:00:07,450
Speaker 2: I'm married now to my beautiful husband. We've been married

851
01:00:07,930 --> 01:00:12,970
Speaker 2: for three years and we've gotten two little girls who

852
01:00:13,130 --> 01:00:16,410
Speaker 2: are just the absolute light of our life. We love

853
01:00:16,450 --> 01:00:22,090
Speaker 2: them to absolute bits. But when my eldest was about

854
01:00:22,250 --> 01:00:26,370
Speaker 2: eight months old, I decided to take her, like for

855
01:00:26,490 --> 01:00:29,570
Speaker 2: a walk through the city. I had been stuck at

856
01:00:29,610 --> 01:00:34,250
Speaker 2: home during COVID and you know, we're finally allowed down,

857
01:00:34,690 --> 01:00:37,530
Speaker 2: so I decided to take her for a walk. And

858
01:00:37,570 --> 01:00:41,090
Speaker 2: so we jumped on the train and we're just cruising

859
01:00:41,090 --> 01:00:46,450
Speaker 2: down George Street and I hear my name being called

860
01:00:46,490 --> 01:00:52,570
Speaker 2: out from across the street Lauren, and I knew immediately

861
01:00:52,650 --> 01:00:57,050
Speaker 2: hill was my stomach sank. I thought I was going

862
01:00:57,130 --> 01:01:02,610
Speaker 2: to ship my pants because I just thought I knew

863
01:01:02,610 --> 01:01:03,970
Speaker 2: the day was going to come one day, like we

864
01:01:04,010 --> 01:01:08,610
Speaker 2: lived in the same city. But I was really surprised

865
01:01:09,970 --> 01:01:14,890
Speaker 2: he come running across the road Lauren, how ai ya?

866
01:01:15,330 --> 01:01:18,090
Speaker 2: I said, hey, I'm really good and he just looked

867
01:01:18,130 --> 01:01:20,250
Speaker 2: down at the pram and looked up at me and

868
01:01:20,290 --> 01:01:23,850
Speaker 2: he was like, this is I said, yeah, this is

869
01:01:23,890 --> 01:01:26,170
Speaker 2: my daughter, and he was just like he just gave

870
01:01:26,210 --> 01:01:30,210
Speaker 2: me the biggest hug and he was like, oh, my goodness,

871
01:01:30,250 --> 01:01:34,890
Speaker 2: she is so beautiful. Congratulations, I'm so happy for you.

872
01:01:35,690 --> 01:01:39,330
Speaker 2: And I had my hands like on the pram like this,

873
01:01:39,930 --> 01:01:42,090
Speaker 2: and he looked down at my hand and he saw

874
01:01:42,610 --> 01:01:46,410
Speaker 2: my wedding ring, and he was just like he just

875
01:01:46,450 --> 01:01:49,290
Speaker 2: looked at me and he just said, I'm so happy

876
01:01:49,370 --> 01:01:53,610
Speaker 2: that you're happy, and I wish you nothing but the best.

877
01:01:54,370 --> 01:01:56,010
Speaker 2: And I just looked at him and I was like,

878
01:01:56,050 --> 01:01:59,410
Speaker 2: thank you so much. I didn't have have it in

879
01:01:59,490 --> 01:02:02,010
Speaker 2: me to ask him how he was or where he

880
01:02:02,090 --> 01:02:05,250
Speaker 2: was at in his life. I almost didn't want to know.

881
01:02:06,130 --> 01:02:08,770
Speaker 2: And I just said, thanks so much, lovely to see

882
01:02:08,810 --> 01:02:12,370
Speaker 2: you look good. And that was I said, I've got

883
01:02:12,410 --> 01:02:14,370
Speaker 2: to get going. He's like, yeah, no worries, you know,

884
01:02:14,370 --> 01:02:16,450
Speaker 2: I have a good day. And that was it. And

885
01:02:17,170 --> 01:02:24,330
Speaker 2: that was four years ago, and yeah, it was It

886
01:02:24,490 --> 01:02:29,370
Speaker 2: was a super like healing moment for me, just to

887
01:02:29,450 --> 01:02:34,130
Speaker 2: see that he was well and he looked happy, like

888
01:02:34,610 --> 01:02:38,770
Speaker 2: he looked like his usual self. I have a couple

889
01:02:38,810 --> 01:02:41,850
Speaker 2: of mutual friends like that we're still friends with on Facebook.

890
01:02:41,930 --> 01:02:46,050
Speaker 2: But I don't think that Jason is involved much in

891
01:02:46,090 --> 01:02:51,810
Speaker 2: the LGBTQ plus community anymore. Yeah, just because I haven't

892
01:02:51,850 --> 01:02:56,250
Speaker 2: seen like anything of him anywhere, you know, with my

893
01:02:56,370 --> 01:03:00,610
Speaker 2: friends who are still quite active in the social communities.

894
01:03:01,090 --> 01:03:04,330
Speaker 2: I've always like hoped and wished that he would live

895
01:03:04,370 --> 01:03:09,010
Speaker 2: his authentic life out, you know, because I knew that

896
01:03:09,130 --> 01:03:13,050
Speaker 2: side of him for four years, you know, where he

897
01:03:13,170 --> 01:03:17,370
Speaker 2: was like actively dating other men. And yeah, I always

898
01:03:17,410 --> 01:03:20,130
Speaker 2: thought that as he got a bit older and matured

899
01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,210
Speaker 2: a bit and was less ashamed, that he would finally

900
01:03:24,250 --> 01:03:29,610
Speaker 2: come out. But yeah, I don't think he has. Jason

901
01:03:29,650 --> 01:03:34,090
Speaker 2: would be in his fifties now, and I would hope

902
01:03:34,130 --> 01:03:42,090
Speaker 2: that he's wise enough now to just be his authentic self.

903
01:03:42,850 --> 01:03:48,650
Speaker 2: And I would hope that even if he doesn't want

904
01:03:48,690 --> 01:03:52,810
Speaker 2: to come out and have a relationship with a man,

905
01:03:52,930 --> 01:03:56,610
Speaker 2: that he feels that he can still have kids on

906
01:03:56,650 --> 01:04:00,930
Speaker 2: his own, he doesn't need somebody else to do it

907
01:04:00,970 --> 01:04:05,170
Speaker 2: with him. I don't miss him now. I'm just really

908
01:04:05,290 --> 01:04:07,530
Speaker 2: lucky to be in the position that I am now

909
01:04:07,530 --> 01:04:11,770
Speaker 2: because I and I know that, you know, finding the

910
01:04:11,810 --> 01:04:15,010
Speaker 2: right person and being married and having kids with a

911
01:04:15,050 --> 01:04:19,250
Speaker 2: guy who just absolutely adawes you and your kids, you know,

912
01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:22,890
Speaker 2: it doesn't always happen that way. So I know that

913
01:04:23,010 --> 01:04:25,570
Speaker 2: and I appreciate that, and I feel like if it

914
01:04:25,570 --> 01:04:30,330
Speaker 2: weren't for Jason and myself and our experience, I would

915
01:04:30,330 --> 01:04:34,650
Speaker 2: have never met my husband and have the family that

916
01:04:34,690 --> 01:04:38,450
Speaker 2: we have today. I always imagine that being the mother

917
01:04:38,530 --> 01:04:46,050
Speaker 2: of Jason's kids would be like walking on eggshells and

918
01:04:46,210 --> 01:04:53,530
Speaker 2: would be like, you know, getting permission for every single thing.

919
01:04:53,650 --> 01:04:56,930
Speaker 2: I mean, if you can't name your own kids, then

920
01:04:56,970 --> 01:05:00,250
Speaker 2: what else could you possibly do as well? And I

921
01:05:00,410 --> 01:05:04,330
Speaker 2: felt that that's the kind of arrangement he wanted when

922
01:05:04,370 --> 01:05:06,970
Speaker 2: seeking out the mother of his kids, or if he

923
01:05:07,090 --> 01:05:10,210
Speaker 2: felt like that would be me. Like he did tell

924
01:05:10,210 --> 01:05:12,850
Speaker 2: me that I would be an amazing minad and that

925
01:05:13,850 --> 01:05:16,770
Speaker 2: I would be the best mum for his kids. And

926
01:05:16,810 --> 01:05:19,970
Speaker 2: it was because I did everything that he wanted, you know,

927
01:05:20,250 --> 01:05:24,050
Speaker 2: I said yes to everything that he wanted and I

928
01:05:24,130 --> 01:05:29,250
Speaker 2: was available to him. Twenty four seven, I look back

929
01:05:29,330 --> 01:05:34,490
Speaker 2: and I think I think Jason picked me, Like from

930
01:05:34,530 --> 01:05:37,370
Speaker 2: that very first night that we met at the party.

931
01:05:38,410 --> 01:05:44,490
Speaker 2: I think he saw me at that party and he

932
01:05:44,530 --> 01:05:49,410
Speaker 2: saw how young I was, how vulnerable I was, and

933
01:05:49,450 --> 01:05:53,290
Speaker 2: how kind I was to him, and how drawn I

934
01:05:53,450 --> 01:05:55,930
Speaker 2: was to him as well, you know, like I said,

935
01:05:55,970 --> 01:06:04,250
Speaker 2: we clicked immediately and I went along with everything that

936
01:06:04,290 --> 01:06:08,250
Speaker 2: he presented to me as a friend. Yeah, so I

937
01:06:08,410 --> 01:06:13,370
Speaker 2: felt that he picked me. But looking back, I really

938
01:06:13,370 --> 01:06:18,850
Speaker 2: don't think that I would change my experience. I guess

939
01:06:19,170 --> 01:06:22,410
Speaker 2: now that I am a mom, I do realize that

940
01:06:22,730 --> 01:06:29,970
Speaker 2: it is a really special and sacred time and sharing

941
01:06:31,050 --> 01:06:38,650
Speaker 2: my kids with my husband is just amazing. And I

942
01:06:38,690 --> 01:06:44,170
Speaker 2: always knew that I would have kids when it felt right,

943
01:06:45,530 --> 01:06:48,890
Speaker 2: and so now that I have that, being a mom

944
01:06:49,050 --> 01:06:55,530
Speaker 2: and experiencing motherhood is literally just the most amazing thing

945
01:06:55,610 --> 01:06:58,010
Speaker 2: I think I've ever done and I ever will do.

946
01:06:58,650 --> 01:07:00,730
Speaker 2: I always thought that the love that I had for

947
01:07:00,850 --> 01:07:06,250
Speaker 2: Jason was, you know, beyond this earth, but truly being

948
01:07:06,290 --> 01:07:14,930
Speaker 2: a mom and having kids and experienceing them is so

949
01:07:15,090 --> 01:07:19,570
Speaker 2: much more, so much more than anything that you'd ever

950
01:07:19,650 --> 01:07:21,930
Speaker 2: experience with a partner. I truly believe that.

951
01:07:37,570 --> 01:07:40,970
Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is a Mintimedia production and proudly

952
01:07:41,050 --> 01:07:44,130
Speaker 1: part of the Muma Mea network. It's written and narrated

953
01:07:44,170 --> 01:07:47,570
Speaker 1: by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. If

954
01:07:47,570 --> 01:07:50,810
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955
01:07:50,930 --> 01:07:53,490
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01:07:53,530 --> 01:07:56,410
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957
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01:07:58,570 --> 01:08:00,810
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