WEBVTT - 'Let Them': The New Hack To Sort Out D*ckheads 0:00:10.622 --> 0:00:13.382 You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. 0:00:13.822 --> 0:00:17.182 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters 0:00:17.182 --> 0:00:21.342 that this podcast is recorded on. If I say no 0:00:21.462 --> 0:00:23.382 to that thing or I don't do that thing they want, 0:00:23.422 --> 0:00:25.302 then those people are going to be upset with me. 0:00:25.422 --> 0:00:27.582 And her point is let them be upset with you. 0:00:27.822 --> 0:00:34.102 It will be all right. Hello, and welcome to Mama 0:00:34.182 --> 0:00:36.342 Mia out Loud. In a moment you are going to 0:00:36.382 --> 0:00:40.262 hear what all that was about. But first, welcome to 0:00:40.302 --> 0:00:42.781 our Friday show. You know out Loud is that on 0:00:42.862 --> 0:00:46.062 Friday we don't talk about the news cycle. We just exhale, 0:00:46.142 --> 0:00:47.262 hold hands, gossip. 0:00:47.302 --> 0:00:49.782 That's pretty much talk you. I also like that we've 0:00:49.822 --> 0:00:51.262 only done two shows in Marina. 0:00:51.582 --> 0:00:54.062 We need a break from the news cycle. It's Trevor Welming. 0:00:54.502 --> 0:00:58.142 Well the world. The world today is Friday, the seventeenth 0:00:58.222 --> 0:01:00.942 of January, and I am a Hollywaynwright. 0:01:00.462 --> 0:01:02.782 I'm me of Friedman, and I'm Jesse Stevens. 0:01:03.182 --> 0:01:06.582 And on today's show, if you haven't already, you are 0:01:06.622 --> 0:01:09.862 going to hear these two words everywhere in your work world, 0:01:09.941 --> 0:01:13.262 and they are apparently the key to peace and to 0:01:13.382 --> 0:01:17.462 dealing with difficult people. Yes, we're talking about let them theory, 0:01:17.982 --> 0:01:21.342 also a different way to shop, a very twisty TV show, 0:01:21.422 --> 0:01:24.182 and two new books that Mia couldn't put down. That's 0:01:24.182 --> 0:01:28.262 our recommendations and our best and worst summer holidays, which 0:01:28.302 --> 0:01:32.502 include My Murderous Domestic Goddess meltdown being a little too 0:01:32.542 --> 0:01:38.102 close to tragedy and Mia not working. But first, Jesse Stevens. 0:01:37.902 --> 0:01:41.222 In case you missed it, you should never ever wear 0:01:41.222 --> 0:01:45.302 a butt plug to an MRI skin no A pending right, Yeah, yeah, okay. 0:01:45.502 --> 0:01:48.422 We are nothing if not helpful, And today I thought 0:01:48.462 --> 0:01:51.062 i'd give you both some advice because I know that 0:01:51.142 --> 0:01:53.662 some of us aren't good with instructions. Maya, you don't 0:01:53.702 --> 0:01:56.142 often read the instructions and so you need them laid 0:01:56.182 --> 0:01:59.062 out too, very clearly, and I want to avoid potential disaster. 0:01:59.102 --> 0:02:02.262 But plug out before scan, Yeah. 0:02:01.902 --> 0:02:04.822 In before fine, just before you scan. Take it out, 0:02:04.822 --> 0:02:05.502 pop it back in. 0:02:05.462 --> 0:02:07.742 After pop it in the waiting room, yeah, pop it out. 0:02:07.782 --> 0:02:10.181 This story is actually a bit of rif I haven't 0:02:10.222 --> 0:02:11.341 been able to stop thinking about it. 0:02:11.422 --> 0:02:13.582 Actually, maybe not in the waiting room. Should I clarify? 0:02:13.822 --> 0:02:15.181 You probably want to go to the bathroom. 0:02:15.222 --> 0:02:15.622 Bathroom? 0:02:15.702 --> 0:02:15.901 Fun? 0:02:16.022 --> 0:02:18.582 Yeah, fine, a twenty two year old woman in the 0:02:18.662 --> 0:02:21.702 US underwent an MRI scan and she did not disclose 0:02:21.862 --> 0:02:24.022 that she was wearing a butt plug. I actually have 0:02:24.062 --> 0:02:26.862 a lot of empathy for this woman because she purchased 0:02:26.862 --> 0:02:28.661 the butt plug on the basis that it was made 0:02:28.662 --> 0:02:31.422 of one hundred percent silicon. It said it with silicon, 0:02:31.782 --> 0:02:33.422 so she didn't think it was relevant that she had 0:02:33.422 --> 0:02:36.462 a butt plug in. However, she read the instruction she did. 0:02:36.742 --> 0:02:40.542 The butt plug had a metal core, and what happens 0:02:40.622 --> 0:02:44.502 is this causes a hazardous reaction between the powerful magnets 0:02:44.502 --> 0:02:46.382 in the machine and the metal parts of the toy. 0:02:46.862 --> 0:02:48.942 And it's also like, don't put your butt in the 0:02:48.982 --> 0:02:52.222 microwave if you've got a butt plug in really yeah, 0:02:52.262 --> 0:02:54.302 because metal. You also don't put metal in the mid 0:02:54.622 --> 0:02:56.982 any metal in them. No metal in an MRI, No 0:02:57.022 --> 0:02:58.621 middle in a microwave, no butt. 0:02:58.702 --> 0:03:00.742 This is I'm learning a lot my bus about it. 0:03:01.142 --> 0:03:03.582 A scan of the image was then circulated on social 0:03:03.622 --> 0:03:06.102 media and you can see that what happened was that 0:03:06.142 --> 0:03:08.342 it was dragged through her body. It caused damage to 0:03:08.462 --> 0:03:11.022 organs and tissues along the way. Oh that's actually bad, 0:03:11.142 --> 0:03:14.542 that's horrible. Reports are that she felt nauseous faint and 0:03:14.582 --> 0:03:16.582 she was screaming in pain. She was rushed to hospital. 0:03:16.942 --> 0:03:19.862 We know that she survived the injuries. We don't know 0:03:20.142 --> 0:03:20.702 much more. 0:03:21.022 --> 0:03:22.742 But I thought you're going to say, we don't know 0:03:23.062 --> 0:03:26.182 how the butt plug actually is, whether the butt plugs. No. 0:03:26.262 --> 0:03:28.062 But the reason that would have happened in that you 0:03:28.102 --> 0:03:30.862 can't have any jewelries because MirOS are all about magnets. 0:03:31.702 --> 0:03:33.902 It would have magnetized the butt plug. 0:03:34.342 --> 0:03:34.902 Oh. 0:03:34.902 --> 0:03:36.982 So I then started like someone trying to pull a 0:03:37.022 --> 0:03:38.262 tampon out through your throat. 0:03:38.382 --> 0:03:41.102 Yeah, so I started reading about this. In the US, 0:03:41.142 --> 0:03:42.782 A few things have happened where someone's gone in with 0:03:42.782 --> 0:03:45.782 a firearm in their pocket and the firearm has discharged. Well, 0:03:45.782 --> 0:03:48.422 that's stupid, that is stupid. But I have empathy for 0:03:48.462 --> 0:03:50.502 this person because it said one hundred percent silicon. 0:03:50.782 --> 0:03:54.702 Call me naive, but I don't understand what a butt 0:03:54.742 --> 0:03:55.422 plug does. 0:03:56.022 --> 0:03:59.542 It stimulates the Do women have a prostate? They don't 0:03:59.622 --> 0:04:02.502 do they? I think they have a part in their button. 0:04:02.582 --> 0:04:06.102 That's look at loe of those vanilla idiots in the world. 0:04:06.582 --> 0:04:08.942 All I really know is that when I was young 0:04:08.982 --> 0:04:11.022 and I first went into a sex shop, remember sex 0:04:11.062 --> 0:04:13.542 shops before you bought all those something that there was 0:04:13.622 --> 0:04:16.101 this big colorful plastic box that a bit like what 0:04:16.181 --> 0:04:18.702 you get kids toys in what I just said, my 0:04:18.981 --> 0:04:24.621 first butt plug, I thought, that's the startup butt plug. 0:04:24.662 --> 0:04:26.541 That's cute. Out ladders. 0:04:26.621 --> 0:04:29.781 We have questions. If there's anyone among you who. 0:04:30.022 --> 0:04:32.621 I'm sure they. 0:04:31.981 --> 0:04:34.301 Send us a voice note, tell us how bout plugs work, 0:04:34.541 --> 0:04:35.462 what they're good for. 0:04:35.582 --> 0:04:37.582 I thought it was more you'd use a butt plug 0:04:37.902 --> 0:04:40.541 during sex, whatever that sex looks. 0:04:40.541 --> 0:04:43.702 Can we just wind up the but to wear it? 0:04:43.981 --> 0:04:45.902 You know, as you go about your date. Your doctor's 0:04:45.902 --> 0:04:49.022 appointment is surprising. I'm not judgmental, as just I didn't 0:04:49.022 --> 0:04:50.222 know that. And we learn new things. 0:04:50.262 --> 0:04:52.262 Sometimes you have to do chores, you have to go 0:04:52.301 --> 0:04:54.061 and get scans, and you need a little treat. 0:04:54.222 --> 0:04:54.421 Yeah. 0:04:54.582 --> 0:04:57.621 Yeah, Like Megan says, we're finding joy in every moment. 0:04:58.541 --> 0:05:01.861 You need to get outside your comfort zone. It's not 0:05:01.902 --> 0:05:07.022 about taking risks. It's about getting outside your comfort zone. 0:05:07.142 --> 0:05:10.301 Those first three seconds when you push herself out of bed, 0:05:10.301 --> 0:05:13.301 they blow, but once you're up, it's great. 0:05:13.821 --> 0:05:18.822 Apparently we all needed permission to just back the fuck off. 0:05:19.501 --> 0:05:23.782 American change and motivation expert Meil Robins is selling books 0:05:23.782 --> 0:05:26.261 by the bucket loads and going viral all over the 0:05:26.262 --> 0:05:29.022 Internet with a theory that can be defined in two 0:05:29.301 --> 0:05:32.742 little words, let them let me explain a little bit. 0:05:33.022 --> 0:05:36.701 Fifteen years ago, Meil Robins says she was paralyzed by anxiety, 0:05:36.902 --> 0:05:39.142 but now she tells many other people how to do 0:05:39.181 --> 0:05:43.021 what they've always wanted to do by not procrastinating or 0:05:43.142 --> 0:05:46.341 implementing a five second rule to always jump to action 0:05:46.541 --> 0:05:48.342 when you want you've got something on to do list. 0:05:48.861 --> 0:05:52.781 She's like a big Internet guru, think a slightly less 0:05:52.902 --> 0:05:55.421 academic and less Texan Rene Brown. 0:05:55.541 --> 0:05:57.581 She's got one of the most viral ted talks of 0:05:57.582 --> 0:05:57.981 all time. 0:05:58.222 --> 0:06:01.822 She does, and she has sold more than a million books, 0:06:02.301 --> 0:06:05.181 she has had more than a billion video views. And 0:06:05.301 --> 0:06:08.421 Oprah Winfrey says that this new book that Let Them 0:06:08.501 --> 0:06:11.941 Theory is the best self help book she has ever read, 0:06:12.101 --> 0:06:16.622 which I imagine that Oprah has read a few, she's 0:06:16.621 --> 0:06:17.022 read them. 0:06:16.981 --> 0:06:19.621 On what's interesting. I've been following Meil Robins for quite 0:06:19.621 --> 0:06:22.981 a few years and she's always been on that level 0:06:23.061 --> 0:06:28.022 below the Glennons, the Brenees, certainly you know, the Oprah's, 0:06:28.462 --> 0:06:31.061 and she's been doing some really good work. But with 0:06:31.262 --> 0:06:31.981 this book. 0:06:32.301 --> 0:06:33.262 She's broken. 0:06:33.462 --> 0:06:35.101 She's absolutely broken through. 0:06:35.181 --> 0:06:37.101 And the thing that's interesting about that is it is 0:06:37.142 --> 0:06:41.941 the most simple idea you can imagine. She says that 0:06:41.981 --> 0:06:45.141 the killer cure for anxiety is simple. Stop trying to 0:06:45.181 --> 0:06:49.222 control people around you. Let them do what they want. 0:06:49.381 --> 0:06:53.141 It's not your business. Focus on your business, let them 0:06:53.262 --> 0:06:55.901 get on with theirs, and breathe easy. Here's a little 0:06:55.902 --> 0:06:58.981 grab of her explaining a few examples of times when 0:06:58.981 --> 0:07:00.382 you should just let them. 0:07:00.621 --> 0:07:03.981 I've been in a situation where maybe your buddies organize 0:07:03.981 --> 0:07:06.261 a golf trip and they don't include you, or the 0:07:06.262 --> 0:07:08.421 women in your life go away for a weekend and 0:07:08.541 --> 0:07:11.702 you're not invited, or a friend that you adore is 0:07:11.782 --> 0:07:15.382 dating a real asshole, somebody who's horrible for them. 0:07:15.821 --> 0:07:16.342 Let them. 0:07:16.622 --> 0:07:19.862 I mean, how much does you worrying about it? How 0:07:19.902 --> 0:07:20.901 is that going to change anything? 0:07:20.941 --> 0:07:21.222 It's not. 0:07:21.622 --> 0:07:25.462 How does spending two hundred hours talking to your friend 0:07:25.622 --> 0:07:28.382 about this horrible person over and over and over. How 0:07:28.422 --> 0:07:32.302 does that? How it doesn't let them. If somebody's firing you, 0:07:32.381 --> 0:07:35.662 let them. If your company's going through layoffs, let them. 0:07:35.742 --> 0:07:40.502 It is so liberating when you drop the sword, when 0:07:40.542 --> 0:07:41.622 you just let go. 0:07:41.941 --> 0:07:44.062 It is liberating to drop the sword Maya. 0:07:44.342 --> 0:07:47.422 Everyone's talking about this over summer. You know, she's been 0:07:47.462 --> 0:07:50.742 doing the rounds of podcasts and interviews and there's been 0:07:50.742 --> 0:07:53.422 ne York Time stories and everybody's talking about it. In 0:07:53.462 --> 0:07:57.742 the book This saved my Bacon. On the weekend when 0:07:57.782 --> 0:08:00.662 I was about to do I was feeling so furious 0:08:00.702 --> 0:08:04.182 about a particular situation and something that someone that I 0:08:04.222 --> 0:08:08.502 know had done. I was going to really cause some damage. 0:08:08.902 --> 0:08:12.782 It's a good thing to some situations that I was in. 0:08:12.941 --> 0:08:17.142 This wasn't a work thing. And I thought about this 0:08:17.782 --> 0:08:21.461 and I just thought, let them. And one of the 0:08:21.502 --> 0:08:24.461 biggest things I struggle with is control. And therapists have 0:08:24.502 --> 0:08:26.862 said to me, you know, control through overconcerned, because sometimes 0:08:26.862 --> 0:08:29.302 we think that we're worrying about people and that we're 0:08:29.302 --> 0:08:31.702 being kind and that we're being I say, it's. 0:08:31.582 --> 0:08:33.222 A form of anxiety rights. 0:08:33.902 --> 0:08:36.822 It's also just a form of control. It's also a 0:08:36.822 --> 0:08:38.982 form of you know, I don't like what you're doing. 0:08:39.062 --> 0:08:40.982 I think you could do it better this way. I 0:08:41.022 --> 0:08:42.902 think it would be better if you did it this way. 0:08:43.462 --> 0:08:46.062 And I also know what it's like to expend a 0:08:46.142 --> 0:08:50.422 huge amount of energy feeling enraged or upset about things 0:08:50.422 --> 0:08:52.822 I can't control and that have nothing to do with me. 0:08:53.102 --> 0:08:56.022 In many cases, Donald Trump's being a really good example. 0:08:56.342 --> 0:09:00.182 And this, to me has actually summarized my approach to 0:09:00.782 --> 0:09:03.862 this new Trump regime, like the second time around. Maybe 0:09:03.862 --> 0:09:06.222 that's why it struck such a cause I've literally gone 0:09:06.542 --> 0:09:08.542 let it go. You know, this is the kind of 0:09:08.582 --> 0:09:11.542 the frozen let it go go, But this is let them, 0:09:11.582 --> 0:09:13.902 just like what can I do. I can't change Donald Trump, 0:09:14.062 --> 0:09:16.702 I can't change what ALON must doing. Let them. 0:09:16.782 --> 0:09:19.262 It's powerful, Like you know, I've even found it with 0:09:19.702 --> 0:09:23.462 negative commentary, and I find that quite liberating to just 0:09:23.582 --> 0:09:26.862 go let people think what they're going to think. You 0:09:27.022 --> 0:09:29.141 have no control over that. And I guess one of 0:09:29.182 --> 0:09:32.342 the criticisms of this has been that it's not particularly new, 0:09:32.422 --> 0:09:38.302 but she acknowledges that herself, that this is stoicism, it's Buddhism. 0:09:38.942 --> 0:09:41.662 I've sort of done research into Buddhism over the years, 0:09:41.702 --> 0:09:44.262 and I really like the idea that there's no point 0:09:44.302 --> 0:09:46.742 in resisting the moment. Like the analogy that I always 0:09:46.742 --> 0:09:48.582 think of is you're sitting in traffic and there's a 0:09:48.622 --> 0:09:51.342 traffic jam, and every part of your body is going 0:09:51.382 --> 0:09:52.982 I don't want to be in this moment. I don't 0:09:53.022 --> 0:09:55.862 want to, but it's like, let it happen. No amount 0:09:55.862 --> 0:09:57.381 of resisting is going to change the fact that you're 0:09:57.382 --> 0:09:59.302 in the traffic jam. Like you've just got to take 0:09:59.342 --> 0:10:02.462 a deep breath and move on. And it also reminds 0:10:02.502 --> 0:10:05.462 me of in my nana's She lived with us growing up, 0:10:05.502 --> 0:10:08.062 and she had a thing up on her wall, and 0:10:08.102 --> 0:10:11.222 it was the Serenity prayer, and the serenity prayer says, God, 0:10:11.262 --> 0:10:13.822 grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 0:10:13.822 --> 0:10:15.462 the courage to change the things I can, and the 0:10:15.462 --> 0:10:18.622 wisdom to know the difference. And she would always always 0:10:18.662 --> 0:10:22.302 say that. So it's fundamental to so many religions. 0:10:22.742 --> 0:10:24.342 That's recovery program. 0:10:25.862 --> 0:10:29.702 Yeah, yeah, I think it's great because the thing is 0:10:29.702 --> 0:10:31.462 is it's true for those big things like you say 0:10:31.502 --> 0:10:33.662 me are about trumpel though you don't want it to 0:10:33.822 --> 0:10:36.702 tip into and placency and apathy and never wanted to 0:10:36.742 --> 0:10:39.302 change anything, but it is particularly useful and I think 0:10:39.342 --> 0:10:42.182 particularly for women in day to day life. 0:10:42.342 --> 0:10:44.542 But just to pin you down on that for a second, 0:10:44.982 --> 0:10:46.342 I literally can't. 0:10:46.022 --> 0:10:49.062 Show you can't. But if the whole world just went 0:10:49.622 --> 0:10:51.942 let's just let them all have their way and doesn't 0:10:51.982 --> 0:10:52.662 matter who you vote for. 0:10:52.702 --> 0:10:54.542 It let them is about person. 0:10:55.102 --> 0:10:57.782 And so she has a few caveats in this, because 0:10:57.782 --> 0:10:59.622 I can hear if that louds are thinking about this, 0:10:59.622 --> 0:11:01.302 they'll be like, but what if the person is bla? 0:11:01.462 --> 0:11:03.422 And what if the person is bla? So in the 0:11:03.462 --> 0:11:05.542 podcast I listened to about it, she had some caveats, 0:11:05.582 --> 0:11:07.862 she said, because one of the ways she talked about 0:11:07.862 --> 0:11:09.502 this a lot was in parenting. She said, you know, 0:11:09.582 --> 0:11:12.022 you've got teenagers and maybe they want to quit a 0:11:12.022 --> 0:11:14.462 sport that you've invested loads of time in, and they've 0:11:14.462 --> 0:11:16.342 invested loads of time and you think it's a mistake 0:11:16.342 --> 0:11:18.142 for them, and blah blah blah and those kind of things. 0:11:18.422 --> 0:11:20.262 So she talked a lot in it about parenting about 0:11:20.262 --> 0:11:22.502 like let them, let them fail, let them fall, let 0:11:22.542 --> 0:11:24.902 them make the mistakes. But she had a few caveats. 0:11:24.942 --> 0:11:26.982 So number one was if it's risky, so you know, 0:11:27.022 --> 0:11:29.542 it's not let them like hoon down the road on 0:11:29.582 --> 0:11:31.782 an ebike at a thousand miles an hour with no helmet, 0:11:31.822 --> 0:11:35.702 like that's not it. If it's discriminatory, so it's not 0:11:35.782 --> 0:11:39.062 just let them be racist. And awful to you or 0:11:39.102 --> 0:11:41.302 a coworker or whatever. That's not it. She said, you 0:11:41.342 --> 0:11:43.902 have to speak up in that situation. She said, if 0:11:43.902 --> 0:11:47.502 you're negotiating your salary, she was very specific about that. 0:11:47.582 --> 0:11:51.142 She said, women in particular, always always negotiate your salary. 0:11:51.502 --> 0:11:55.342 And if someone else's behavior is directly crossing your boundaries, 0:11:55.342 --> 0:11:57.702 which is obviously very male Robin's talk. But also it's 0:11:57.782 --> 0:12:01.582 like if someone else's behavior is actively affecting you. 0:12:01.702 --> 0:12:02.702 If they're abusing you. 0:12:02.982 --> 0:12:06.822 Yeah, exactly. So it's not like just let everyone do anything, 0:12:06.982 --> 0:12:10.822 but it is very freeing. And I don't struggle too 0:12:10.862 --> 0:12:13.302 much with this because I'm not a particularly controlling person, 0:12:13.342 --> 0:12:16.142 although Brent may beg to differ on that point. But 0:12:16.262 --> 0:12:18.902 I was thinking about this that when I get really 0:12:18.982 --> 0:12:22.182 upset about something, so in my personal life. Last year, 0:12:22.582 --> 0:12:24.502 I was really mad with Brent because he chose to 0:12:24.502 --> 0:12:26.102 go away on this weekend. He won't mind me talking 0:12:26.102 --> 0:12:28.342 about this, it's fine. Chose to go away on this 0:12:28.382 --> 0:12:30.942 weekend with his friends. That for various reasons, I thought 0:12:30.942 --> 0:12:32.822 he wasn't going to go it was inconvenient for us, 0:12:32.862 --> 0:12:34.742 one of his friends had dropped out, blah blah blah, 0:12:34.742 --> 0:12:36.502 and I was so mad with him. I was so 0:12:36.582 --> 0:12:38.422 mad with him, and he just went. And she talks 0:12:38.422 --> 0:12:41.062 about this about how it works with partners when you've 0:12:41.102 --> 0:12:42.582 been with someone a long time and you kind of 0:12:42.582 --> 0:12:45.702 think that you're almost one person now and you make 0:12:45.702 --> 0:12:47.822 the decisions, and she's you have to let people be 0:12:47.862 --> 0:12:50.102 who they are. I was spent first twenty four hours 0:12:50.102 --> 0:12:54.582 of him being away just simmering, furious, can't fucking believe it, 0:12:54.862 --> 0:12:57.302 Like this has made my life hard? What a selfish choice? 0:12:57.422 --> 0:13:00.022 And then I got to a let them position, which 0:13:00.062 --> 0:13:02.702 was very much like God, let Brent be Brent, right, 0:13:02.822 --> 0:13:05.622 Like he's a grown up man. He's allowed to do 0:13:05.662 --> 0:13:07.942 things that he wants to do. Every decision he makes 0:13:07.982 --> 0:13:11.702 isn't about me, Like do I really want a partnership 0:13:11.702 --> 0:13:14.262 with somebody who doesn't get to be himself and do 0:13:14.302 --> 0:13:15.902 the things he wants to do, even if I think 0:13:15.902 --> 0:13:16.542 they're stupid. 0:13:16.862 --> 0:13:18.342 It's not hard about them that. 0:13:18.942 --> 0:13:20.462 And I've read parts of the book, but I haven't 0:13:20.462 --> 0:13:21.182 read the whole book. 0:13:21.982 --> 0:13:23.462 I don't think it needs a whole book. 0:13:24.102 --> 0:13:25.422 If my mom has read and said it was. 0:13:25.382 --> 0:13:27.262 Great, I'm sure it is, and she's great. But even 0:13:27.262 --> 0:13:29.422 on her podcast, she explains it in the intro and 0:13:29.422 --> 0:13:31.222 then she goes, you're smart people, you get it. But 0:13:31.222 --> 0:13:33.062 I'm going to talk for another twenty minutes anyway. 0:13:33.622 --> 0:13:36.342 But like, for example, all right, you get home and 0:13:36.422 --> 0:13:38.982 someone's left the milk out on the bench, right, so 0:13:39.102 --> 0:13:41.462 let them. But then there's no milk for you because 0:13:41.502 --> 0:13:43.782 it was left out, and now it's all bad. 0:13:43.942 --> 0:13:45.982 But no, no, it's different. The other part of it 0:13:46.022 --> 0:13:50.422 is also then let me, So it's what can I change. 0:13:50.542 --> 0:13:53.102 Let them is also about it's not just about control, 0:13:53.222 --> 0:13:56.102 it's also about I was listening to her interviewed on 0:13:56.222 --> 0:14:00.702 Glennon's podcast We Can Do Hard Things and Mel Robins 0:14:00.822 --> 0:14:04.022 her parents live far away and she needs two flights 0:14:04.062 --> 0:14:06.782 to go and see them, and for the holidays this 0:14:06.902 --> 0:14:09.902 year she didn't go and fly to see them, wanted 0:14:09.942 --> 0:14:11.742 to stay home to be closer to her children. 0:14:11.862 --> 0:14:12.142 Whatever. 0:14:12.342 --> 0:14:14.022 She said, I feel terrible that I live so far 0:14:14.062 --> 0:14:17.582 away from my parents. I knew they'd be disappointed. I 0:14:17.662 --> 0:14:20.582 wasn't going to visit them for the holidays. But she said, 0:14:21.462 --> 0:14:22.542 let them will. 0:14:22.462 --> 0:14:23.462 And then be disappointed. 0:14:23.542 --> 0:14:26.422 Let them be disappointed. And she said, it doesn't mean 0:14:26.462 --> 0:14:29.182 be an asshole to everybody and be selfish but she said, 0:14:29.542 --> 0:14:32.342 if I want to go and visit them, let that 0:14:32.502 --> 0:14:35.582 be because I want to be a good daughter, not 0:14:35.782 --> 0:14:38.782 because they don't think I'm a good daughter. I remember 0:14:38.822 --> 0:14:40.022 that I'm disappointing them. 0:14:40.102 --> 0:14:42.022 She's very clear about that. You have to let other 0:14:42.062 --> 0:14:44.662 people have feelings about you that you're uncomfortable with. So 0:14:45.102 --> 0:14:47.622 it's that idea of like, if I say no to 0:14:47.662 --> 0:14:49.462 that thing, or I don't do that thing they want, 0:14:49.502 --> 0:14:51.382 then those people are going to be upset with me. 0:14:51.462 --> 0:14:53.582 And her point is let them be upset with you. 0:14:53.902 --> 0:14:54.742 It will be all right. 0:14:55.022 --> 0:14:57.622 And it's often the kind of thing right. I remember 0:14:57.702 --> 0:15:00.702 years ago I made a decision that I knew was 0:15:00.742 --> 0:15:02.822 going to really upset someone. It wasn't that it was 0:15:02.822 --> 0:15:04.782 a mean decision. It was just a decision that would 0:15:04.782 --> 0:15:07.582 impact them and it would disappoint them. And I was 0:15:07.622 --> 0:15:09.702 speaking to a friend and they just went, we have 0:15:09.702 --> 0:15:12.462 no control over their feelings. Trying to manage their feelings 0:15:12.582 --> 0:15:15.782 is kind of manipulative. In fact, you've got to talk 0:15:15.782 --> 0:15:17.302 to them. Maybe they'll hate you for three days. It 0:15:17.342 --> 0:15:19.862 probably will hate you for three days. That's their job 0:15:19.982 --> 0:15:22.262 to go and work through it. It's not yours. But 0:15:22.702 --> 0:15:25.182 two instances where I find this really hard. The first 0:15:25.222 --> 0:15:28.102 is parenting and the second is marriage with parenting. As 0:15:28.142 --> 0:15:28.862 you say, there's. 0:15:28.862 --> 0:15:30.302 Those two really simple little things. 0:15:30.382 --> 0:15:33.662 Yes, exactly. So I've been watching and I'm sure we'll 0:15:33.662 --> 0:15:35.782 talk about this later, but the Jerry Springer documentary that's 0:15:35.782 --> 0:15:38.622 on Netflix, and there's a story of a guy who 0:15:38.662 --> 0:15:40.542 was maybe twenty twenty one, and he started working for 0:15:40.542 --> 0:15:42.662 the Jerry Springer Show and his father was in the 0:15:42.742 --> 0:15:45.582 entertainment industry, and his father was saying to him, what 0:15:45.622 --> 0:15:47.502 you are doing is not good for the world, like 0:15:47.542 --> 0:15:51.142 this show is bad. Right according to the let them theory, 0:15:51.942 --> 0:15:54.622 are you meant to guide your children in that way 0:15:54.662 --> 0:15:57.462 and let them know that a decision. 0:15:57.142 --> 0:15:58.502 The twenty one let them? 0:15:58.622 --> 0:15:59.342 Really no. 0:15:59.502 --> 0:16:04.142 But there's what happens when you see people making such 0:16:04.182 --> 0:16:05.022 bad difference. 0:16:04.742 --> 0:16:08.742 Because of themselves. I imagine is let me, so let 0:16:08.782 --> 0:16:13.262 me tell him what I think. But her point is 0:16:13.262 --> 0:16:16.422 that in parenting or with any of our personal relationships, 0:16:17.062 --> 0:16:20.662 when we try to manage other people's experiences or other 0:16:20.662 --> 0:16:23.702 people's lives, that's a message to them that we don't 0:16:23.782 --> 0:16:27.462 think they can do it themselves. So it's very disempowering. 0:16:27.862 --> 0:16:30.102 She was giving an example of she thinks that she 0:16:30.542 --> 0:16:35.502 prolonged her daughter's anxiety for years because her daughter had 0:16:35.502 --> 0:16:37.182 anxiety and she'd get up in the middle of the 0:16:37.262 --> 0:16:38.902 night and she'd come and she'd try to get into 0:16:38.982 --> 0:16:41.702 bed with Mel and her husband, and Mel would just 0:16:41.782 --> 0:16:44.382 like open the blankets and let her get in. She said, 0:16:44.462 --> 0:16:46.862 I did that for years, And what I told her 0:16:47.182 --> 0:16:51.782 was that, yes, you are correct to be so scared, 0:16:51.982 --> 0:16:53.862 and this isn't a tiny child, this is an older 0:16:53.942 --> 0:16:56.742 child that you can't sleep through the night. Instead of 0:16:56.782 --> 0:17:00.742 helping her face down the fact, I trust that you're 0:17:00.782 --> 0:17:03.702 going to be able to overcome this. And that's the thing. Also, 0:17:03.822 --> 0:17:07.502 back to helicopter parenting. We got this memo that any 0:17:07.542 --> 0:17:10.502 negative feeling that our children had a failure on our 0:17:10.581 --> 0:17:13.502 part and that could lead to terrible But it's the 0:17:13.502 --> 0:17:14.422 opposite of let them. 0:17:14.502 --> 0:17:17.861 But back to that example, your adult child is making 0:17:17.901 --> 0:17:19.942 a choice, a career choice or something that you don't 0:17:19.942 --> 0:17:23.461 approve of. You express your feelings about it, but then 0:17:23.502 --> 0:17:25.662 you have to let them. What's the option. That's what 0:17:25.661 --> 0:17:27.661 what I find very freeing, and I think I've actually 0:17:27.782 --> 0:17:31.061 learned this lesson quite early. You can't stop them, so 0:17:31.182 --> 0:17:34.341 why are you wasting all your energy and destroying your 0:17:34.381 --> 0:17:36.941 personal peace. When she talks about this, she has this 0:17:36.982 --> 0:17:40.182 sort of expression of the thoughts in your head where 0:17:40.182 --> 0:17:41.501 you're going, like, for god sake, what does he think 0:17:41.542 --> 0:17:43.181 he's doing it? Don't and why doesn't she know this? 0:17:43.222 --> 0:17:44.782 Why doesn't she know that? Don't they know if they 0:17:44.821 --> 0:17:46.901 make that blah blah la, It's like that is just 0:17:47.022 --> 0:17:50.981 you and your energy, churning, churning, churning. It's not going 0:17:51.061 --> 0:17:53.221 to change the outcome. The kid who wants to go 0:17:53.262 --> 0:17:56.901 and work at Jerry Springer like obviously not necessarily ideal, 0:17:56.942 --> 0:17:59.302 but I worked in tabloid magazines for years. I'm sure 0:17:59.302 --> 0:18:01.462 my parents were not that proud of me in those moments. 0:18:01.861 --> 0:18:03.581 The thing is is you have to let people be 0:18:03.661 --> 0:18:06.382 who they are, and you're allowed to have your feelings 0:18:06.381 --> 0:18:09.061 about it, but you can't try and control them because 0:18:09.101 --> 0:18:10.821 you can't control them, you know what I mean. 0:18:10.861 --> 0:18:13.901 So it's a useless and suse what I think about 0:18:13.942 --> 0:18:16.581