1
00:00:12,850 --> 00:00:15,530
Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.

2
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:21,290
Speaker 2: Mama Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

3
00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:32,170
Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on moving in together. Some couples

4
00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:34,370
Speaker 2: do it quickly, some choose to wait a while. For

5
00:00:34,450 --> 00:00:37,690
Speaker 2: Fionna and Steve, it was the former, wasting no time

6
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:41,050
Speaker 2: in creating their own special memories and routines. Plus, it

7
00:00:41,170 --> 00:00:43,730
Speaker 2: really is the best way to really get to know someone.

8
00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:48,410
Speaker 1: I quite liked that thing of sharing a space, sharing

9
00:00:48,410 --> 00:00:51,370
Speaker 1: a home, Like when he wasn't as good places and

10
00:00:51,410 --> 00:00:53,450
Speaker 1: I'd come back and he'd have all the candles lurt

11
00:00:53,490 --> 00:00:55,850
Speaker 1: and some like jazz music which we used to listen

12
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,850
Speaker 1: to on and he'd be like reading one of our

13
00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,810
Speaker 1: favorite books, and my dog would be cilled up next

14
00:00:59,850 --> 00:01:02,090
Speaker 1: to him, and I'd like come in and we're like

15
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:05,810
Speaker 1: He's like hey, and everything smells amazing, and I'm just like, yeah,

16
00:01:06,010 --> 00:01:07,050
Speaker 1: this is so nice.

17
00:01:07,290 --> 00:01:09,810
Speaker 2: But even though you share a space, there are always

18
00:01:09,890 --> 00:01:13,610
Speaker 2: places secrets can be hidden, secrets that, when found, will

19
00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:16,090
Speaker 2: have you questioning whether you ever really knew that person

20
00:01:16,130 --> 00:01:16,450
Speaker 2: at all.

21
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,210
Speaker 1: I was like, Steve, I know, and then he smiles

22
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:23,530
Speaker 1: at men, he goes you went on my iPad. I

23
00:01:23,570 --> 00:01:29,930
Speaker 1: forgot to eraise them from there. Oh my god. That

24
00:01:30,050 --> 00:01:33,370
Speaker 1: was his first reaction was the smile at the fact

25
00:01:33,370 --> 00:01:37,090
Speaker 1: that he'd forgotten or had been caught. The smile shock

26
00:01:37,170 --> 00:01:37,810
Speaker 1: me to my core.

27
00:01:47,610 --> 00:01:50,090
Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an X.

28
00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:52,610
Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

29
00:01:52,770 --> 00:01:56,970
Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

30
00:01:57,010 --> 00:02:00,450
Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. Today, I'm

31
00:02:00,490 --> 00:02:03,530
Speaker 2: introducing you to Fiona. Fiona looks at her life in

32
00:02:03,610 --> 00:02:08,370
Speaker 2: two parts BA and AA Before and After Australia. She

33
00:02:08,490 --> 00:02:10,210
Speaker 2: moved across the ditch from New Zealand.

34
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,330
Speaker 1: So I moved and with Lisa, the friend of mine,

35
00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:17,410
Speaker 1: made a lot of friends. Work was going great, brought

36
00:02:17,450 --> 00:02:19,010
Speaker 1: my dog over and I was like, yeah, you know,

37
00:02:19,370 --> 00:02:22,850
Speaker 1: the only thing kind of not necessarily missing but that

38
00:02:22,850 --> 00:02:25,210
Speaker 1: could be an add on was to meet a man.

39
00:02:25,890 --> 00:02:30,330
Speaker 1: So I started joining the dating apps and I matched

40
00:02:30,410 --> 00:02:35,450
Speaker 1: with Steve, who was a musician and my dad's a musician,

41
00:02:35,570 --> 00:02:39,450
Speaker 1: so a little bit of a connection there. Six foot six,

42
00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:43,730
Speaker 1: so gorgeous there as well, great looking man, and so yeah,

43
00:02:43,770 --> 00:02:48,650
Speaker 1: we matched. We started talking and it turned out that

44
00:02:48,690 --> 00:02:51,090
Speaker 1: he actually lived about two and a half hours away

45
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:54,130
Speaker 1: from me in Sydney, but he'd just been visiting at

46
00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:55,170
Speaker 1: the time that we'd matched.

47
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:58,090
Speaker 2: They were both thirty, had a heap of shared interests,

48
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,770
Speaker 2: and as it turned out, very similar lifestyles.

49
00:03:01,130 --> 00:03:04,490
Speaker 1: He was well traveled that he moved around a lot

50
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:08,690
Speaker 1: as a musician, and my job as a chef means

51
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:12,610
Speaker 1: I move around a lot like freelance. Kind of that

52
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:15,610
Speaker 1: I understood that lifestyle of not just always being in

53
00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:18,690
Speaker 1: one place and liked that he would kind of understand

54
00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:21,530
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't be around all the time either. He

55
00:03:21,610 --> 00:03:27,050
Speaker 1: mentioned just about his passions for music, that he studied

56
00:03:27,890 --> 00:03:30,810
Speaker 1: opera and things at school, and I was like, wow,

57
00:03:30,850 --> 00:03:33,930
Speaker 1: like it's really interesting. He looks like such a big,

58
00:03:33,970 --> 00:03:37,330
Speaker 1: buff guy, but he's theater trained and operatraying, and I

59
00:03:37,410 --> 00:03:40,290
Speaker 1: kind of liked that difference to be evening, like he

60
00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:43,130
Speaker 1: looks so tough, but you like did ballet at school.

61
00:03:43,170 --> 00:03:45,810
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, you know, that like mixture for me.

62
00:03:45,890 --> 00:03:49,170
Speaker 1: I was like, that's very attractive. We chatted for about

63
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:52,930
Speaker 1: two weeks and then we organized for him to come

64
00:03:52,970 --> 00:03:55,610
Speaker 1: and meet me and Sydney and we'd have our first date.

65
00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:59,690
Speaker 1: And our first date was actually one of the better

66
00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:04,850
Speaker 1: first dates that i'd had conversation flowed, and we had

67
00:04:04,850 --> 00:04:08,730
Speaker 1: a great icebreaker because where he was dressed exactly the

68
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,370
Speaker 1: same as the matri d e down to like same

69
00:04:11,690 --> 00:04:16,290
Speaker 1: whose same pants, like same shirt, and they both didn't

70
00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:21,410
Speaker 1: have hair. So that was, yeah, a great icebreaker, good conversation,

71
00:04:22,410 --> 00:04:26,650
Speaker 1: like very intellectual, quite funny, had a good head on

72
00:04:26,650 --> 00:04:30,370
Speaker 1: his shoulders. I mean being a bit nervous about the

73
00:04:30,450 --> 00:04:32,930
Speaker 1: musician thing because it can be something that's a bit

74
00:04:33,050 --> 00:04:36,690
Speaker 1: like touch and go, like where your next paycheck's going

75
00:04:36,770 --> 00:04:39,210
Speaker 1: to come from. But he treated it like a business

76
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,170
Speaker 1: and I was like, okay, well that's screaz. That why

77
00:04:41,170 --> 00:04:43,290
Speaker 1: I do it here, Like I arrive on time, I

78
00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:45,330
Speaker 1: make sure I never drink on the job. Like he

79
00:04:45,650 --> 00:04:49,330
Speaker 1: came across very professional. That made like that seem like

80
00:04:49,370 --> 00:04:52,090
Speaker 1: a not an issue anymore. We had a little smooch

81
00:04:52,170 --> 00:04:56,890
Speaker 1: after the date, and then I think we went to

82
00:04:57,490 --> 00:04:59,610
Speaker 1: one more pub after that and had like a closing

83
00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:02,210
Speaker 1: drink and watched some live music that was going on,

84
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:06,010
Speaker 1: and then yeah, did our good night switch and he

85
00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:09,610
Speaker 1: went just so you know, I don't sleep with girls

86
00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:13,490
Speaker 1: on a first date. I wasn't going to sleeve on

87
00:05:13,610 --> 00:05:16,330
Speaker 1: the first date. Like he was like, oh, well, a

88
00:05:16,370 --> 00:05:18,690
Speaker 1: lot of girls have a problem that I won't go

89
00:05:18,770 --> 00:05:21,730
Speaker 1: home with them, like I've I've run into that issue before,

90
00:05:22,090 --> 00:05:24,090
Speaker 1: and I said, you don't have that issue. I wasn't

91
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:27,970
Speaker 1: inviting you home, Okay, Green Flag for a dating app

92
00:05:28,010 --> 00:05:30,610
Speaker 1: made up. Fiona was keen to keep chatting and hopefully

93
00:05:30,650 --> 00:05:33,810
Speaker 1: see him again if she got that often elusive text.

94
00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:35,050
Speaker 2: After the first date.

95
00:05:36,050 --> 00:05:38,650
Speaker 1: I heard from him straight away and he was very

96
00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:41,610
Speaker 1: very chatty. We would talk on the phone a lot,

97
00:05:42,370 --> 00:05:44,970
Speaker 1: said that I was exactly what he'd been looking for.

98
00:05:45,090 --> 00:05:49,410
Speaker 1: And then I went away for work for four weeks

99
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,410
Speaker 1: so we couldn't see each other. So it was very

100
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:56,570
Speaker 1: like it went straight into being like a long distance relationship.

101
00:05:57,170 --> 00:05:59,690
Speaker 1: I had done long distance relationships before, but there were

102
00:05:59,730 --> 00:06:02,170
Speaker 1: things that he added and that I hadn't done before.

103
00:06:02,650 --> 00:06:05,810
Speaker 1: So we would like, you can watch a movie together

104
00:06:05,890 --> 00:06:08,610
Speaker 1: on your phone while on FaceTime, so you can like

105
00:06:08,690 --> 00:06:11,450
Speaker 1: link your phones together and be on FaceTime and be

106
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:14,570
Speaker 1: what it at that exact same time. So when I'd

107
00:06:14,610 --> 00:06:18,010
Speaker 1: finished work, we'd like share watching movies together and like

108
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,090
Speaker 1: chat throughout it and fall asleep. And I was like,

109
00:06:20,810 --> 00:06:22,490
Speaker 1: it's quite a cute way of like if you're not

110
00:06:22,530 --> 00:06:24,810
Speaker 1: going to be around each other all the time of

111
00:06:24,810 --> 00:06:27,730
Speaker 1: being able to like keep it alive when you're like,

112
00:06:27,810 --> 00:06:29,450
Speaker 1: we've been on one date and now we're not going

113
00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:32,250
Speaker 1: to see each other for a month, so we're very

114
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:35,650
Speaker 1: keen on each other. And then I work on boats.

115
00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:38,050
Speaker 1: So I got off the boat for the end of

116
00:06:38,090 --> 00:06:41,090
Speaker 1: the charter and he picked me up and he had

117
00:06:41,330 --> 00:06:44,170
Speaker 1: a bottle of wine in the car, and he'd packed

118
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,010
Speaker 1: like an overnight bag and he took me straight out

119
00:06:46,050 --> 00:06:49,610
Speaker 1: for this lovely jazz night. Like we had a really

120
00:06:49,690 --> 00:06:50,930
Speaker 1: nice time, and I'd just come off the boat, so

121
00:06:50,970 --> 00:06:53,490
Speaker 1: I was pretty naked, but he kept his energy up

122
00:06:53,530 --> 00:06:55,090
Speaker 1: and I think it kind of bought my energy up

123
00:06:55,090 --> 00:06:58,690
Speaker 1: as well, and now we just had like a lovely

124
00:06:58,770 --> 00:07:01,370
Speaker 1: time together. I had to go back on the boat

125
00:07:01,410 --> 00:07:04,930
Speaker 1: the next day, and he was going to stay somewhere else,

126
00:07:05,490 --> 00:07:06,930
Speaker 1: and he did the same thing, like we're not sitch

127
00:07:06,930 --> 00:07:09,410
Speaker 1: a look, if you're going to sleep in your car,

128
00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:13,010
Speaker 1: don't worry like I've got a out. You're more than

129
00:07:13,050 --> 00:07:15,290
Speaker 1: welcome to krash. We've been talking for a month, You've

130
00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:17,610
Speaker 1: taken me out for this amazing time. You're more than

131
00:07:17,690 --> 00:07:20,130
Speaker 1: welcome to stay, and don't worry like there's going to

132
00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:23,130
Speaker 1: be no pressure to do anything. He's like, okay, great.

133
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:25,290
Speaker 1: So he stayed at mine. I had to leave super

134
00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:27,290
Speaker 1: early in the morning, and I was like, look, let

135
00:07:27,330 --> 00:07:30,490
Speaker 1: yourself out whenever you want to go, and i'll see

136
00:07:30,490 --> 00:07:31,330
Speaker 1: you when i'm back.

137
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:32,850
Speaker 2: And see him when she got back.

138
00:07:33,010 --> 00:07:36,450
Speaker 1: She did, so probably six weeks in. I was like,

139
00:07:36,650 --> 00:07:39,730
Speaker 1: I'll introduce you to my friends. So he came and

140
00:07:39,810 --> 00:07:43,250
Speaker 1: we had like this big dinner party with mimosas, and

141
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:45,650
Speaker 1: I cooked and another friend of mine cooked and we

142
00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:49,050
Speaker 1: just had really nice, wholesome time and he met everyone

143
00:07:49,130 --> 00:07:51,570
Speaker 1: and he was amazing, Like I thought he was brilliant,

144
00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:54,170
Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, like my friends can be

145
00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:55,890
Speaker 1: quite full on. And I was like yeah, it's like

146
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:58,810
Speaker 1: he's handling it and he's thrown it back and I

147
00:07:58,970 --> 00:08:01,730
Speaker 1: just thought, yeah, this is it. And then he was like, oh,

148
00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:05,330
Speaker 1: there's this concert on tonight, Fred again, I've always wanted

149
00:08:05,330 --> 00:08:07,290
Speaker 1: to see them. Do you want to go? So I

150
00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:11,290
Speaker 1: was like, okay, we'll go to this concert. And then

151
00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:14,050
Speaker 1: on the way there up at me, I left my

152
00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:16,810
Speaker 1: idea at home and we got to the concert and

153
00:08:16,850 --> 00:08:19,250
Speaker 1: they were like, you can't get in without ID, and

154
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,130
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, So we had to go

155
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,810
Speaker 1: back to pick it up to then come back again,

156
00:08:24,370 --> 00:08:27,130
Speaker 1: and I remember feeling really nervous about how we're going

157
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:30,330
Speaker 1: to miss half this concert, and he was so calm

158
00:08:30,370 --> 00:08:32,650
Speaker 1: and cool and collected. He was like, hey, it's a mistake.

159
00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:35,050
Speaker 1: Things happened, don't worry, Like I'll pay for the ubers,

160
00:08:35,090 --> 00:08:38,210
Speaker 1: like it's an accident. We rushed out, like we'll just

161
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:40,210
Speaker 1: go get your idea and we'll come back and we'll

162
00:08:40,210 --> 00:08:42,450
Speaker 1: watch what's there. And for me that was a big

163
00:08:42,490 --> 00:08:45,170
Speaker 1: thing because I'm a bit airy fairy. I like that

164
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:47,210
Speaker 1: someone's like, you know, it's all right, and I liked

165
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:50,890
Speaker 1: that it was no like anger or moodiness around it,

166
00:08:50,970 --> 00:08:53,130
Speaker 1: so I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. And then

167
00:08:53,170 --> 00:08:55,810
Speaker 1: after the concert he asked me if I wanted to

168
00:08:55,810 --> 00:08:59,450
Speaker 1: be his girlfriend, and I was like, yes, okay, let's

169
00:08:59,490 --> 00:09:03,610
Speaker 1: do it. He was a very good boyfriend. I can

170
00:09:03,650 --> 00:09:06,490
Speaker 1: be quite reserved when it comes to my feelings and

171
00:09:06,570 --> 00:09:09,570
Speaker 1: talking about things, and I think what I really like

172
00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:14,090
Speaker 1: fell for was him gently pushing me to talk about things.

173
00:09:14,450 --> 00:09:17,250
Speaker 1: So if I would get quiet because something bugged me

174
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:19,970
Speaker 1: or long days, he'd be like, you need to talk

175
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:22,450
Speaker 1: about this, like don't just block it.

176
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:22,690
Speaker 2: Up.

177
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,690
Speaker 1: You need to talk about these things, like you're gonna

178
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:27,050
Speaker 1: feel so much better. And he had like a lot

179
00:09:27,130 --> 00:09:31,450
Speaker 1: of emotional maturity intelligence. Yeah, And I was like, you know,

180
00:09:31,450 --> 00:09:33,650
Speaker 1: if that is something that I really want to get

181
00:09:33,650 --> 00:09:36,330
Speaker 1: better at. And so that i'd met someone who was like,

182
00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:39,250
Speaker 1: talk about this or I'd be like if he'd done

183
00:09:39,290 --> 00:09:40,570
Speaker 1: something that bugged me, and I was like, I don't

184
00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:42,090
Speaker 1: want to piss you off by telling you that you've

185
00:09:42,090 --> 00:09:45,090
Speaker 1: done something that bugs me, and he'd like, you need

186
00:09:45,130 --> 00:09:47,890
Speaker 1: to and then I would and he'd be calm and like, oh,

187
00:09:48,210 --> 00:09:50,010
Speaker 1: I didn't know that that was a problem, Like I

188
00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:51,970
Speaker 1: would just be more conscious of it next time. So

189
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,850
Speaker 1: for me, I was like, yeah, okay, this is pretty

190
00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:58,490
Speaker 1: like this is good for what I would like for

191
00:09:58,570 --> 00:10:01,370
Speaker 1: my future as someone who will encourage me to speak

192
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:02,650
Speaker 1: and to speak freely.

193
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:05,010
Speaker 2: It meant that he was a good talker too. He

194
00:10:05,090 --> 00:10:07,370
Speaker 2: opened up about his past, so she got to know

195
00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:09,530
Speaker 2: him on a deeper level quite quickly.

196
00:10:09,890 --> 00:10:13,690
Speaker 1: He'd had six years long term relationship when they split up.

197
00:10:14,090 --> 00:10:16,410
Speaker 1: They took a couple of years off and now they

198
00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:18,490
Speaker 1: were friends and so I was like, okay, well that's good.

199
00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:21,730
Speaker 1: That seems again emotionally mature because they were quite young

200
00:10:21,770 --> 00:10:24,730
Speaker 1: at the time that they got together. So I was like,

201
00:10:24,970 --> 00:10:27,850
Speaker 1: that's a good sign to me. And they're talking bad

202
00:10:27,850 --> 00:10:29,730
Speaker 1: about one X, I'm like, you know, if there's one,

203
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,130
Speaker 1: we've all got at least one bad X. That is true.

204
00:10:33,450 --> 00:10:35,690
Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, you know, if you were

205
00:10:35,730 --> 00:10:37,810
Speaker 1: talking bad about all of them, I'd have a problem.

206
00:10:37,890 --> 00:10:41,450
Speaker 1: But the fact that it's a standalone then not so much.

207
00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:47,970
Speaker 1: And he shared some sexual trauma that he had, which

208
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,010
Speaker 1: was a reason as to why he didn't want to

209
00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:55,650
Speaker 1: rush into things. And I think, I mean we naturally progressed.

210
00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:58,090
Speaker 1: I couldn't say exactly when it happened, but it took

211
00:10:58,130 --> 00:11:00,730
Speaker 1: some time for him to get comfortable. So there was

212
00:11:00,770 --> 00:11:04,090
Speaker 1: a lot of like genuinely taking it very slow with

213
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:07,090
Speaker 1: the different levels of things, to the extent of like

214
00:11:07,530 --> 00:11:09,410
Speaker 1: start off with dry humping and then like a bit

215
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:12,090
Speaker 1: of a care like it was very much like back

216
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:15,410
Speaker 1: in high school, and you're like learning to walk, you're

217
00:11:15,490 --> 00:11:18,530
Speaker 1: learning to walk that path. The silver lining of us

218
00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:22,570
Speaker 1: not rushing into sex was the fact that we got

219
00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:25,130
Speaker 1: to take it slowly, so you get to explore and

220
00:11:25,170 --> 00:11:28,130
Speaker 1: know each other properly before you even do that. And

221
00:11:28,210 --> 00:11:31,250
Speaker 1: also that it meant that he wasn't just looking for

222
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,930
Speaker 1: one thing and like playing around or faking it to

223
00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:39,010
Speaker 1: get into my pants. You know, like once he was comfortable,

224
00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:42,730
Speaker 1: and it still wasn't a big priority to him, so

225
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,210
Speaker 1: I think, I, well, I came in thinking, you know,

226
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:49,370
Speaker 1: once he's comfortable, it'll become something quite frequent, but it

227
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:54,250
Speaker 1: still wasn't very frequent, so I was like, it'll get there.

228
00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:57,570
Speaker 1: He was very vocal that he was a highly sexual

229
00:11:57,610 --> 00:12:01,130
Speaker 1: person and really liked it and enjoyed every aspect of it,

230
00:12:01,530 --> 00:12:04,330
Speaker 1: but that it was just him getting over something, and

231
00:12:04,370 --> 00:12:06,690
Speaker 1: so I was like, totally fine. So I did see

232
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,250
Speaker 1: it as something that would happen in the future, that

233
00:12:09,290 --> 00:12:13,530
Speaker 1: it would be something regular and fun, enjoyable for both

234
00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:13,810
Speaker 1: of us.

235
00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:16,410
Speaker 2: And remember they leaved a couple of hours away from

236
00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:18,810
Speaker 2: each other, so when they did see each other, they

237
00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:20,010
Speaker 2: wanted to make the most of it.

238
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,850
Speaker 1: He'd come and stay with me for about four or

239
00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:26,210
Speaker 1: five days while he was in Sydney, and I would

240
00:12:26,210 --> 00:12:27,970
Speaker 1: go and stay with him two and a half hours

241
00:12:28,010 --> 00:12:31,530
Speaker 1: away every second week for a weekend around my work,

242
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:35,010
Speaker 1: and so we kind of did long distance, but because

243
00:12:35,010 --> 00:12:36,650
Speaker 1: it was such a long trip, we kind of stayed

244
00:12:36,650 --> 00:12:40,570
Speaker 1: for a while, and then after I think we were

245
00:12:41,330 --> 00:12:44,650
Speaker 1: six months in he was getting lots more work in

246
00:12:44,690 --> 00:12:49,690
Speaker 1: Sydney and I had to move out from Lisa's house

247
00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:53,810
Speaker 1: because they were selling the property. So I was looking

248
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:57,290
Speaker 1: at moving into a different part of Sydney and thought,

249
00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:00,410
Speaker 1: why don't we move in together. Then at least we're

250
00:13:00,410 --> 00:13:03,410
Speaker 1: having the rent and you're staying quite frequently at the moment,

251
00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:07,570
Speaker 1: and he was like, absolutely, that would be great. Six

252
00:13:07,610 --> 00:13:10,530
Speaker 1: months and is not a lot of time, but like,

253
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:13,770
Speaker 1: I'm very much like if it's gonna work out, it's

254
00:13:13,770 --> 00:13:16,090
Speaker 1: gonna work out. If it's not, it's not like you

255
00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,490
Speaker 1: can spend two years not living with someone moving and

256
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:21,170
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, and some people moving straight away

257
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:23,930
Speaker 1: and it does. I think if you're compatible living together,

258
00:13:24,690 --> 00:13:27,690
Speaker 1: you should probably find out sooner rather than later. He

259
00:13:27,810 --> 00:13:30,930
Speaker 1: worked nights, I work days, but I could join him

260
00:13:30,930 --> 00:13:32,690
Speaker 1: for his nights, you know, being a musician, and I

261
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,490
Speaker 1: could go and you know, watch their gize my favorite thing.

262
00:13:35,490 --> 00:13:37,930
Speaker 1: I'd bring my crossword or my book and I'd be

263
00:13:38,010 --> 00:13:40,810
Speaker 1: like the Muzo's girlfriend in the corner doing my crosswords,

264
00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:44,050
Speaker 1: watching and just being like eh. So I absolutely loved

265
00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,930
Speaker 1: it for that, and then he was home with the

266
00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:49,570
Speaker 1: dog for the day, and there were so many amazing parts.

267
00:13:50,370 --> 00:13:52,930
Speaker 2: But dear listener, when you do move in with someone,

268
00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:55,730
Speaker 2: no matter how well you know them, it's inevitable you'll

269
00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:58,050
Speaker 2: learn things about them you didn't know before.

270
00:13:58,810 --> 00:14:02,410
Speaker 1: I got the impression from us visiting each other that

271
00:14:02,530 --> 00:14:06,010
Speaker 1: he was very clean and put together and organized, and

272
00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:08,530
Speaker 1: I'm very clean and put together and organized. But I

273
00:14:08,530 --> 00:14:10,730
Speaker 1: didn't realize that when I was coming to visit, he

274
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,530
Speaker 1: was doing that because I was coming to visit and

275
00:14:12,530 --> 00:14:14,410
Speaker 1: it wasn't how he lived. So then when we were

276
00:14:14,450 --> 00:14:17,450
Speaker 1: actually living together, I'd get drunk because I'd be like,

277
00:14:18,730 --> 00:14:20,770
Speaker 1: I've made dinner and the dishes are still here in

278
00:14:20,810 --> 00:14:23,450
Speaker 1: the afternoon the next day, and if I do the dishes,

279
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:24,890
Speaker 1: You're like, no, no, no, I'm going to do them.

280
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:27,290
Speaker 1: I'm like, but they can't sit there for twelve hours.

281
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:29,450
Speaker 1: And there were things that I'd be like, I don't

282
00:14:29,770 --> 00:14:33,090
Speaker 1: want a relationship, which I'd been very vocal about the

283
00:14:33,090 --> 00:14:36,090
Speaker 1: whole time, I don't want to be the mother in

284
00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:39,490
Speaker 1: this relationship, and tell me that he was such a

285
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,730
Speaker 1: big gamer, which is one of the things was that.

286
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:45,250
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes i'd come home from work, and he

287
00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:48,010
Speaker 1: has gotten out of bed and onto the computer, and

288
00:14:48,050 --> 00:14:50,250
Speaker 1: I've been at work and come back and hasn't moved.

289
00:14:50,570 --> 00:14:54,250
Speaker 1: And I understand everyone's got hobbies and things that they enjoy,

290
00:14:54,970 --> 00:14:58,970
Speaker 1: but six hours of anything is too much. Sometimes he'd

291
00:14:58,970 --> 00:15:01,850
Speaker 1: be like, you're absolutely right. I've had a shock of

292
00:15:01,890 --> 00:15:05,370
Speaker 1: a day. I ended up gaming instead of working. I

293
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:06,930
Speaker 1: had so much work to do today and I did

294
00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:10,410
Speaker 1: this instead. And other times he would be like, you're

295
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,170
Speaker 1: so controlling, Like why do you I feel like kept

296
00:15:12,210 --> 00:15:13,930
Speaker 1: to control it. This is my house too, If I

297
00:15:13,970 --> 00:15:16,450
Speaker 1: want to live like that, it would very It would

298
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:19,370
Speaker 1: differ depending on his mood for how he would respond.

299
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,010
Speaker 1: As adults, I feel like, yes, you can have some

300
00:15:22,090 --> 00:15:24,690
Speaker 1: days where we've had a rough time and you've skipped

301
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,410
Speaker 1: the dishes, but every day is not okay, And like

302
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,490
Speaker 1: I make the bed every morning when I get up,

303
00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:30,930
Speaker 1: but if you're getting up at ten, you've got to

304
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,330
Speaker 1: make the bed. I don't want to come home in

305
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,490
Speaker 1: the afternoon to a bed not made. And they all

306
00:15:34,530 --> 00:15:39,490
Speaker 1: seemed quite trivial to me, but they are still problems,

307
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,690
Speaker 1: and they are problems that get worse over time, not better.

308
00:15:42,890 --> 00:15:44,730
Speaker 1: If they don't like the noil doesn't get hit on

309
00:15:44,730 --> 00:15:48,090
Speaker 1: the head. They started happening pretty much straight off the band.

310
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:51,490
Speaker 1: There wasn't the honeymoon period of we've just moved in together.

311
00:15:51,490 --> 00:15:54,090
Speaker 1: How fun is this? I thought it just takes some

312
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:56,090
Speaker 1: time to get used to living with each other. To

313
00:15:56,170 --> 00:16:00,050
Speaker 1: be honest, I think that I'd lived alone for the

314
00:16:00,130 --> 00:16:03,170
Speaker 1: last few years. He lived in a flatmate situation, but

315
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,250
Speaker 1: not with the girlfriend for the last few years. So

316
00:16:06,010 --> 00:16:09,010
Speaker 1: and that's the difference between sharing your space and sharing

317
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:12,370
Speaker 1: your bed and sharing your bathroom. Like that's change. And

318
00:16:12,410 --> 00:16:15,170
Speaker 1: I think it's an adjustment period for anyone, you know.

319
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:18,490
Speaker 1: So I just thought it's going to take some adjusting.

320
00:16:19,290 --> 00:16:22,050
Speaker 1: Actually found that I quite liked coming home to someone

321
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:26,650
Speaker 1: like I quite liked that thing of sharing a space,

322
00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:29,490
Speaker 1: sharing a home, like when he was in as good

323
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,290
Speaker 1: places and I'd come back and he'd have all the

324
00:16:31,330 --> 00:16:34,130
Speaker 1: candles lit and some like jazz music which we used

325
00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:36,250
Speaker 1: to listen to on and he'd be like reading one

326
00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:38,050
Speaker 1: of our favorite books, and my dog would be killed

327
00:16:38,090 --> 00:16:40,210
Speaker 1: up next to him, and I'd like come in and

328
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:43,090
Speaker 1: we're like he's like hey, and everything smells amazing, and

329
00:16:43,130 --> 00:16:46,250
Speaker 1: I'm just like, yeah, this is so nice. I mean,

330
00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:48,370
Speaker 1: take that away, just coming home to a tidy house

331
00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:51,570
Speaker 1: and someone who's happy to see you. It's like, you know,

332
00:16:51,730 --> 00:16:54,890
Speaker 1: it's just simple things. So I definitely loved that side

333
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:55,210
Speaker 1: of it.

334
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,330
Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, she really did

335
00:16:57,410 --> 00:16:58,170
Speaker 2: love him.

336
00:16:58,330 --> 00:17:00,810
Speaker 1: Before we'd moved in, had to have done that. I

337
00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:04,250
Speaker 1: love you is. He was a very passionate person, and

338
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:07,890
Speaker 1: my love for him, like he was very open about

339
00:17:07,970 --> 00:17:10,170
Speaker 1: his emotions, so my love for him felt very real

340
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:13,970
Speaker 1: because there was there was so much depth behind the

341
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:17,610
Speaker 1: reasons why I loved him. There wasn't a surface thing.

342
00:17:17,650 --> 00:17:20,970
Speaker 1: There was like so many things we talked about past

343
00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:24,610
Speaker 1: and future and family and his family and mine that

344
00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:30,970
Speaker 1: felt very like intense, but our lives itself weren't necessarily intense.

345
00:17:31,090 --> 00:17:33,410
Speaker 1: We were just going through the motions, but they love

346
00:17:33,490 --> 00:17:36,290
Speaker 1: did for me for sure. He very much felt the

347
00:17:36,370 --> 00:17:39,250
Speaker 1: same and called me like his dreamer and he loves

348
00:17:39,250 --> 00:17:42,090
Speaker 1: it because he's always been a dreamer and has so

349
00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:44,930
Speaker 1: many big plans and I'm just as much of a

350
00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:47,570
Speaker 1: dreamer than him, but I've got a way to make

351
00:17:47,610 --> 00:17:49,610
Speaker 1: it happen, and he loves it for me because he

352
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:51,690
Speaker 1: never knows quite how to get there, but he'll come

353
00:17:51,690 --> 00:17:53,450
Speaker 1: to me with his dreams and I'll be like, yes,

354
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:55,290
Speaker 1: it sounds amazing. We could put this in place and

355
00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:57,210
Speaker 1: do this then. And you know, because I'm a planner,

356
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,490
Speaker 1: so he was like, yay, you make my dreams feel

357
00:17:59,530 --> 00:18:04,130
Speaker 1: like they could come true. We had plans to dreams

358
00:18:04,330 --> 00:18:08,090
Speaker 1: of running like wedding venues. So my parents both have

359
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:11,330
Speaker 1: amazing properties, so we were like, we could do a

360
00:18:11,370 --> 00:18:14,570
Speaker 1: low wedding like me as a chef, him as a musician.

361
00:18:15,130 --> 00:18:19,010
Speaker 1: Me good at organizing his, like people skills. They've got vineyards,

362
00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:21,970
Speaker 1: there's like the wine, Like we've got all of the

363
00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:25,410
Speaker 1: things that together we could come up with this wedding

364
00:18:25,450 --> 00:18:28,410
Speaker 1: idea that was definitely one of our dreams. And traveling

365
00:18:28,450 --> 00:18:31,970
Speaker 1: as well. Both loved to travel.

366
00:18:32,010 --> 00:18:34,490
Speaker 2: But the travel plans would have to wait because when

367
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,930
Speaker 2: Steve did move to Sydney, things got a bit tricky

368
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:37,570
Speaker 2: money wise.

369
00:18:37,930 --> 00:18:41,650
Speaker 1: I was footing the bill for a lot, and I

370
00:18:41,650 --> 00:18:44,410
Speaker 1: mean he was very much like I'm going to get there,

371
00:18:44,530 --> 00:18:46,690
Speaker 1: like I've got this sorted and I'm going to get this,

372
00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:49,850
Speaker 1: and very much like, yeah, of course you will. I'll

373
00:18:49,850 --> 00:18:51,690
Speaker 1: put it for now and then you know, we'll just

374
00:18:51,850 --> 00:18:54,090
Speaker 1: swap rolls a bit later. In your foot everything for

375
00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:56,690
Speaker 1: then one of our favorite things that we like to

376
00:18:56,690 --> 00:18:59,130
Speaker 1: do together, me being a chef would be like, let's

377
00:18:59,170 --> 00:19:02,170
Speaker 1: go out and eat. We'd loved nice food, nice drink,

378
00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,530
Speaker 1: and environments where there's like live music. That was like

379
00:19:04,610 --> 00:19:09,890
Speaker 1: our thing that we did together. And stop contributing to

380
00:19:09,970 --> 00:19:13,130
Speaker 1: things like that while not wanting to stop doing them.

381
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:17,050
Speaker 1: His reasons were that his booking agents weren't paying him,

382
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:20,730
Speaker 1: so that he had a lot of invoices owing from

383
00:19:20,850 --> 00:19:25,690
Speaker 1: venues and bookers that just were overdue, and he was like,

384
00:19:25,810 --> 00:19:28,770
Speaker 1: got thousand dollars owing and no one's paying me. It's

385
00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:31,210
Speaker 1: so frush. I'm so I'm so sorry. I wish I

386
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,890
Speaker 1: could be paying for this. We should be paying for that,

387
00:19:32,930 --> 00:19:35,450
Speaker 1: but no one is paying me. And I feel like

388
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:38,010
Speaker 1: I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because

389
00:19:38,450 --> 00:19:40,650
Speaker 1: I need to be here to be getting the work,

390
00:19:40,690 --> 00:19:43,570
Speaker 1: but if the work's not paying me, then then I'm stuck.

391
00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,970
Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what, that's actually a

392
00:19:45,010 --> 00:19:48,890
Speaker 1: really difficult position to be in. So when he would skip,

393
00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,410
Speaker 1: I'd be like, look, as soon as you get paid,

394
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:53,890
Speaker 1: just backlog it kind of thing. It was a stress

395
00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:58,450
Speaker 1: for me, not necessarily money wise, but for the integrity

396
00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:03,250
Speaker 1: around being comfortable and happy living with your girlfriend, even

397
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:06,770
Speaker 1: though it is quite new. I mean even more so

398
00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:08,810
Speaker 1: that it is quite new that you are quite happy

399
00:20:08,850 --> 00:20:13,370
Speaker 1: for them to shoulder an entire rent. He was going

400
00:20:13,410 --> 00:20:15,370
Speaker 1: out a lot, so he'd like go to his gigs

401
00:20:15,370 --> 00:20:17,290
Speaker 1: and then come back at like four in the morning

402
00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:20,010
Speaker 1: and start cooking food and start doing things like that.

403
00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:22,610
Speaker 1: And that started being a problem because I'm like, hey,

404
00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:25,690
Speaker 1: remember you're low on money. You shouldn't be going out

405
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:29,290
Speaker 1: for five hours after your work is finished and spending

406
00:20:29,370 --> 00:20:32,250
Speaker 1: money like and again the mothering thing. I don't want

407
00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:33,890
Speaker 1: to tell you what to do with your money, but yes,

408
00:20:33,930 --> 00:20:37,530
Speaker 1: you should prioritize rent over drinking for five hours. So

409
00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:41,050
Speaker 1: the little niggling things that were bugging me at the

410
00:20:41,050 --> 00:20:45,970
Speaker 1: beginning started becoming worse as the time progressed, and I

411
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:49,690
Speaker 1: started questioning if it's what I wanted, like for my future.

412
00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:53,650
Speaker 1: He started being really funny with his phone, which we'd

413
00:20:53,650 --> 00:20:56,010
Speaker 1: always had like an open phone policy. I've got nothing

414
00:20:56,010 --> 00:20:58,450
Speaker 1: to hide. You want to put some like, look at

415
00:20:58,450 --> 00:21:00,970
Speaker 1: some photos, put some music on, like we knew each

416
00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:04,290
Speaker 1: other's passwords. And then it started being funny, like I'd

417
00:21:04,290 --> 00:21:06,410
Speaker 1: go in to change a song or something, and he'd

418
00:21:06,450 --> 00:21:08,810
Speaker 1: be like, what are you doing, Like I'm entitled to

419
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:11,170
Speaker 1: my privacy. I'm like, babe, I'm just changing the song.

420
00:21:11,890 --> 00:21:13,970
Speaker 1: Or we'd go for like a weekend away and I'd

421
00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:16,770
Speaker 1: be like, can you send me all the pictures? He'd like, yeah,

422
00:21:16,770 --> 00:21:17,930
Speaker 1: I'll get around to it. And I think I'll just

423
00:21:17,930 --> 00:21:19,730
Speaker 1: do it, and I'm like, go in and start sending

424
00:21:19,770 --> 00:21:21,970
Speaker 1: the photos. He's like, what are you looking for? I

425
00:21:22,010 --> 00:21:26,010
Speaker 1: definitely thought he was hiding something. He had a very

426
00:21:26,010 --> 00:21:32,730
Speaker 1: close relationship with a different ex girlfriend, and I mean,

427
00:21:32,770 --> 00:21:35,530
Speaker 1: I didn't mind the friendships of the ex girlfriend, but

428
00:21:35,570 --> 00:21:39,450
Speaker 1: I minded when I started like understanding that she had

429
00:21:39,450 --> 00:21:43,010
Speaker 1: become his kind of like confident and out like the

430
00:21:43,050 --> 00:21:46,970
Speaker 1: person he would complain to. Basically, like everyone should have

431
00:21:46,970 --> 00:21:48,890
Speaker 1: a voice. If you need to complain, telling your friends

432
00:21:49,010 --> 00:21:51,890
Speaker 1: is important. I don't think ex girlfriends are the appropriate

433
00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:54,410
Speaker 1: people to do that with, though, but I think it

434
00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:57,130
Speaker 1: makes our relationship look weak to someone used to be

435
00:21:57,210 --> 00:22:00,130
Speaker 1: romantic with, and I just don't. I don't kind of agree,

436
00:22:00,490 --> 00:22:03,250
Speaker 1: and his like, how am I? Like, we've been friends

437
00:22:03,330 --> 00:22:06,050
Speaker 1: longer than we were dating, and like, I understand you

438
00:22:06,130 --> 00:22:09,450
Speaker 1: have enough friends go and talk to another one and

439
00:22:09,490 --> 00:22:11,250
Speaker 1: that just wants So I thought what was going on

440
00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:12,850
Speaker 1: with the phone was that he didn't want me to

441
00:22:12,890 --> 00:22:15,610
Speaker 1: see that. He was still complaining to her about it.

442
00:22:16,290 --> 00:22:18,690
Speaker 1: I was just like, I have no interest in going

443
00:22:18,730 --> 00:22:21,170
Speaker 1: through everything, but now that you're telling me I can't,

444
00:22:21,210 --> 00:22:25,290
Speaker 1: I really want to go through everything. At no point

445
00:22:25,290 --> 00:22:27,810
Speaker 1: did I think that he was cheating at all. I

446
00:22:27,850 --> 00:22:31,930
Speaker 1: thought he was being disloyal to our relationship with his

447
00:22:32,090 --> 00:22:36,370
Speaker 1: ex girlfriend, just with like how they were communicating. I

448
00:22:36,410 --> 00:22:40,850
Speaker 1: think I arrive with trust. I mean, he was different.

449
00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:44,210
Speaker 1: He said that trust needs to be built, and mine

450
00:22:44,370 --> 00:22:47,090
Speaker 1: was that you arrive with trust and then it can

451
00:22:47,170 --> 00:22:49,690
Speaker 1: kind of be lost. If someone doesn't give you a reason,

452
00:22:50,170 --> 00:22:53,170
Speaker 1: then you should trust him. But I think also making

453
00:22:53,210 --> 00:22:55,250
Speaker 1: sure you communicate hey, I'm starting not to trust you

454
00:22:55,370 --> 00:22:57,970
Speaker 1: right now because of this behavior is really important.

455
00:22:58,570 --> 00:23:01,650
Speaker 2: There were also issues with sex. Stavid shared that he'd

456
00:23:01,690 --> 00:23:04,850
Speaker 2: had trauma around this in the past, so Fiona understood

457
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:07,410
Speaker 2: and wasn't pushy, but it also did start to play

458
00:23:07,410 --> 00:23:08,130
Speaker 2: on her mind a bit.

459
00:23:08,450 --> 00:23:12,210
Speaker 1: It was very complicated because I would say to look,

460
00:23:12,610 --> 00:23:15,050
Speaker 1: I don't want to keep trying it on and get rejected.

461
00:23:15,290 --> 00:23:18,170
Speaker 1: It'll mess with my confidence. And he said, yeah, I

462
00:23:18,210 --> 00:23:21,210
Speaker 1: completely understand. So I said, so the next time this happens,

463
00:23:21,850 --> 00:23:23,810
Speaker 1: I need you to be the person who instigates it.

464
00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:27,090
Speaker 1: And it would take so long, but eventually'd end up

465
00:23:27,330 --> 00:23:32,650
Speaker 1: instigating at some point and sometimes it would work, sometimes

466
00:23:32,650 --> 00:23:35,570
Speaker 1: it wouldn't, and then I would be like, okay, well

467
00:23:35,610 --> 00:23:38,490
Speaker 1: it's not working. What do you think the problem is? Like?

468
00:23:38,530 --> 00:23:42,450
Speaker 1: How can we get like you happy and horny? And

469
00:23:42,530 --> 00:23:45,690
Speaker 1: he said, well, I need you to instigate it and

470
00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:47,770
Speaker 1: I went okay, we are going around in circles. He

471
00:23:47,810 --> 00:23:49,730
Speaker 1: was like, oh, it's it's such a turn on when

472
00:23:49,730 --> 00:23:53,010
Speaker 1: people instigate things. I'm like, yes, but then you reject it.

473
00:23:53,490 --> 00:23:57,210
Speaker 1: So I'm like, so it would just be a catch

474
00:23:57,250 --> 00:23:58,570
Speaker 1: twenty two am I going to am I going to

475
00:23:58,650 --> 00:24:01,610
Speaker 1: try this on and it's going to literally flop? Or

476
00:24:01,610 --> 00:24:03,570
Speaker 1: I'm going to try this on and it's going to work.

477
00:24:03,770 --> 00:24:07,850
Speaker 1: So it was yeah, it was just you had to

478
00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:09,890
Speaker 1: take it time by time, you know.

479
00:24:10,890 --> 00:24:13,610
Speaker 2: So, yeah, they were his shoes, but they weren't enough

480
00:24:13,650 --> 00:24:16,530
Speaker 2: to break them. So Fiona thought to herself she needed

481
00:24:16,570 --> 00:24:19,130
Speaker 2: to stop looking for what was wrong and focus on

482
00:24:19,170 --> 00:24:19,770
Speaker 2: what was right.

483
00:24:20,290 --> 00:24:22,850
Speaker 1: I loved him, I trusted him, and before any of

484
00:24:22,850 --> 00:24:26,570
Speaker 1: this I thought nothing was going on absolutely nothing.

485
00:24:27,010 --> 00:24:27,930
Speaker 2: Wait before what?

486
00:24:28,450 --> 00:24:33,090
Speaker 1: So we're ten months and now and I caught him

487
00:24:33,130 --> 00:24:39,650
Speaker 1: watching a horn of his ex girlfriend in the bathroom,

488
00:24:39,690 --> 00:24:41,730
Speaker 1: Not of the ex girlfriend he was friends with, but

489
00:24:41,810 --> 00:24:44,650
Speaker 1: the one that he didn't like, the crazy one was awful,

490
00:24:45,290 --> 00:24:47,970
Speaker 1: and I was flabb I guess it was an old

491
00:24:48,050 --> 00:24:49,730
Speaker 1: video that they had from when they were together. It

492
00:24:49,770 --> 00:24:52,410
Speaker 1: wasn't something new, It was obviously just something that he

493
00:24:52,410 --> 00:24:56,410
Speaker 1: had stored somewhere and was using while I was asleep.

494
00:24:57,210 --> 00:24:59,410
Speaker 2: Fiona had walked in on him in the bathroom in

495
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:01,690
Speaker 2: the middle of the night. She didn't say anything at

496
00:25:01,730 --> 00:25:04,010
Speaker 2: the time because he hadn't seen her, and she was

497
00:25:04,050 --> 00:25:06,930
Speaker 2: in such shock she just scampered back to bed. She

498
00:25:06,970 --> 00:25:09,570
Speaker 2: had a huge course the next day and just couldn't

499
00:25:09,570 --> 00:25:10,490
Speaker 2: deal with this right now.

500
00:25:10,770 --> 00:25:12,850
Speaker 1: So I was, you know, like working for all this

501
00:25:13,890 --> 00:25:18,690
Speaker 1: sex stuff and the problems with like ed because of

502
00:25:18,810 --> 00:25:20,850
Speaker 1: the past words that I thought was there, and now

503
00:25:20,890 --> 00:25:23,730
Speaker 1: he's like in the bathroom, able to do it alone

504
00:25:24,490 --> 00:25:28,170
Speaker 1: over someone that he doesn't even like. I was like,

505
00:25:28,210 --> 00:25:31,690
Speaker 1: I'm just going to let this sit until I get

506
00:25:31,730 --> 00:25:34,330
Speaker 1: back from course and then talk about it with him.

507
00:25:34,650 --> 00:25:36,690
Speaker 1: And then I actually ended up texting a midway through

508
00:25:36,730 --> 00:25:38,250
Speaker 1: the course, because it was just like boiling up in

509
00:25:38,330 --> 00:25:41,050
Speaker 1: me to say something. So I sent a message and

510
00:25:41,050 --> 00:25:44,330
Speaker 1: I think something along the lines of, hey, this is

511
00:25:44,370 --> 00:25:47,730
Speaker 1: what you're doing last night, I think that is so disrespectful.

512
00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:52,330
Speaker 1: After the issues that we've had around sex. I would

513
00:25:52,330 --> 00:25:54,810
Speaker 1: have hoped that that was not kind of what you

514
00:25:54,810 --> 00:25:57,290
Speaker 1: would be resorting to do kind of thing, and that like,

515
00:25:57,410 --> 00:25:59,330
Speaker 1: when I get home, we really need to talk about this.

516
00:26:00,410 --> 00:26:02,130
Speaker 1: One of the things that I mentioned to him about

517
00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:05,770
Speaker 1: it was that like, you're horny and you we released it,

518
00:26:05,810 --> 00:26:08,210
Speaker 1: hasn't that and then going to that instead of coming

519
00:26:08,250 --> 00:26:13,130
Speaker 1: to me like that makes me feel rubbish and unattractive

520
00:26:13,330 --> 00:26:15,850
Speaker 1: and all of the things that you know, we should

521
00:26:15,890 --> 00:26:19,810
Speaker 1: never feel as women. So I was very much like, yeah,

522
00:26:19,890 --> 00:26:22,250
Speaker 1: I was put down by it. Let's say it brought

523
00:26:22,250 --> 00:26:26,850
Speaker 1: me down a peg. He felt really embarrassed about it

524
00:26:27,370 --> 00:26:30,770
Speaker 1: and uncomfortable, and like he was like, it's the first

525
00:26:30,770 --> 00:26:34,610
Speaker 1: time it happened. Like I was just drunk and reminiscing,

526
00:26:35,410 --> 00:26:38,490
Speaker 1: and you know, you were asleep. The fallout from that

527
00:26:38,770 --> 00:26:42,050
Speaker 1: was we had the argument. He said he felt horrible.

528
00:26:42,130 --> 00:26:44,970
Speaker 1: I believed he felt horrible, and we were meant to

529
00:26:45,010 --> 00:26:48,170
Speaker 1: be going away on a trip like a bit of

530
00:26:48,210 --> 00:26:51,690
Speaker 1: a road trip for his for his music the next day,

531
00:26:51,850 --> 00:26:54,130
Speaker 1: and so I kind of made the decision to let

532
00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:56,930
Speaker 1: it go and just have our time away. The trip

533
00:26:56,970 --> 00:27:00,490
Speaker 1: had been planned, we'd hide the car, the dogs that

534
00:27:00,610 --> 00:27:03,450
Speaker 1: had been organized, and I thought, you know what, just

535
00:27:03,570 --> 00:27:06,530
Speaker 1: let it go and have a nice weekend and let's

536
00:27:06,570 --> 00:27:10,330
Speaker 1: see what's happened. Reconvene on the monday, but let's see

537
00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:10,810
Speaker 1: what happens.

538
00:27:11,850 --> 00:27:14,610
Speaker 2: So off they went on their trip, and immediately, if

539
00:27:14,650 --> 00:27:16,930
Speaker 2: you only could see, Steve was making a real effort

540
00:27:16,970 --> 00:27:18,210
Speaker 2: to try to make it up to him.

541
00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:20,650
Speaker 1: He drove the whole way, which I love. There were

542
00:27:20,690 --> 00:27:24,210
Speaker 1: little things that I would do for him, which would

543
00:27:24,250 --> 00:27:27,650
Speaker 1: be like sneaky things, you know, like when you say

544
00:27:27,650 --> 00:27:29,810
Speaker 1: you're going to the bathroom, but you sneakily pay the

545
00:27:29,810 --> 00:27:31,570
Speaker 1: bill and then you come back and they're like, can

546
00:27:31,610 --> 00:27:33,010
Speaker 1: we get the bill, and they're like, it's already been

547
00:27:33,010 --> 00:27:35,210
Speaker 1: taken care of, you know, like there's like a power

548
00:27:35,210 --> 00:27:37,730
Speaker 1: in that that I've always loved doing. Or like someone

549
00:27:37,810 --> 00:27:40,330
Speaker 1: mentions that they like something in a shop and then

550
00:27:40,370 --> 00:27:42,050
Speaker 1: you go back and buy it when they're not looking,

551
00:27:42,370 --> 00:27:45,250
Speaker 1: and then that's a surprise to them. And that weekend

552
00:27:45,610 --> 00:27:48,130
Speaker 1: he was doing so much of that, and I thought

553
00:27:48,130 --> 00:27:51,730
Speaker 1: that this was obviously things that he knew that I liked,

554
00:27:51,810 --> 00:27:54,410
Speaker 1: and also just I feel really bad about what happened,

555
00:27:54,610 --> 00:27:56,770
Speaker 1: Like let me make it up to you. So I

556
00:27:56,810 --> 00:27:59,210
Speaker 1: found an amazing piece of art that I liked in

557
00:27:59,210 --> 00:28:02,730
Speaker 1: a shop there, and he did the whole like, oh, yeah,

558
00:28:02,930 --> 00:28:04,570
Speaker 1: I'll catch up with you, bought it and like put

559
00:28:04,570 --> 00:28:07,210
Speaker 1: it in the passenger seat and was like surprise, and

560
00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:09,450
Speaker 1: I was like yay, Like that's so nice. Thank you.

561
00:28:09,530 --> 00:28:12,410
Speaker 1: Like little things and I was like we were in

562
00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:15,090
Speaker 1: a really good place. There were times that I just

563
00:28:15,130 --> 00:28:18,130
Speaker 1: caught myself crying and I couldn't tell why. I didn't

564
00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,650
Speaker 1: know if I was still just kind of getting over

565
00:28:21,130 --> 00:28:24,490
Speaker 1: or like coping with what i'd found on the have

566
00:28:24,530 --> 00:28:27,330
Speaker 1: been on the Thursday with the ex girlfriend. But I

567
00:28:27,530 --> 00:28:30,770
Speaker 1: just found like little pockets would I just be like, oh,

568
00:28:30,810 --> 00:28:32,130
Speaker 1: and I feel a bit sad, and I was like,

569
00:28:32,170 --> 00:28:34,130
Speaker 1: these tears are coming out and not much of a cry,

570
00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:36,010
Speaker 1: and I was like, where are all these tears coming from?

571
00:28:36,410 --> 00:28:39,770
Speaker 1: But for the most part, it was lovely. The gigs

572
00:28:39,770 --> 00:28:42,090
Speaker 1: were great, all the people we met were lovely. It

573
00:28:42,170 --> 00:28:46,330
Speaker 1: was great to see more of Australia at our final destination.

574
00:28:46,450 --> 00:28:48,770
Speaker 1: So this is on the Sunday and we were meant

575
00:28:48,770 --> 00:28:52,490
Speaker 1: to leave at five am on the Monday to get

576
00:28:52,530 --> 00:28:56,250
Speaker 1: back to Sydney in time for my work. And we

577
00:28:56,330 --> 00:29:00,250
Speaker 1: decided to watch parts of the Caribbean on his iPad

578
00:29:01,050 --> 00:29:04,210
Speaker 1: and so we were lying in bed, had some nice food,

579
00:29:04,250 --> 00:29:06,490
Speaker 1: had a bit of a cuddle, no shag, but a

580
00:29:06,570 --> 00:29:08,730
Speaker 1: bit of a cuddle and still nice, spooned up and

581
00:29:08,730 --> 00:29:13,450
Speaker 1: watched parts of the Caribbean, two of them, and then

582
00:29:14,450 --> 00:29:17,050
Speaker 1: messages started popping up, not on his phone but on

583
00:29:17,050 --> 00:29:23,130
Speaker 1: his iPad and they were from his brother. But I

584
00:29:23,210 --> 00:29:26,210
Speaker 1: didn't realize that you could get messages on your iPad.

585
00:29:26,970 --> 00:29:29,530
Speaker 1: He stopped the cuddling and he started like chatting with

586
00:29:29,570 --> 00:29:32,970
Speaker 1: his brother a fair bit and I was like, okay, well,

587
00:29:33,130 --> 00:29:35,370
Speaker 1: I'm just going to continue watching the movie. And then

588
00:29:35,490 --> 00:29:39,850
Speaker 1: messages from Optus started popping up. It was like confirming

589
00:29:40,010 --> 00:29:45,290
Speaker 1: ten am on Monday morning, and I was like, what's optis?

590
00:29:45,570 --> 00:29:49,850
Speaker 1: And he goes, oh, it's that telecommunications thing. And I

591
00:29:49,850 --> 00:29:52,650
Speaker 1: was like, why are they sending you messages about appointments

592
00:29:53,370 --> 00:29:57,570
Speaker 1: and he went I don't know, like it's Optus And

593
00:29:57,610 --> 00:30:01,050
Speaker 1: I was like that seems like a strange thing. He

594
00:30:01,090 --> 00:30:03,370
Speaker 1: then went to sleep, and I went on to his

595
00:30:03,450 --> 00:30:07,330
Speaker 1: iPad and looked at what Optus was, and it turned

596
00:30:07,330 --> 00:30:11,090
Speaker 1: out that it was a wrothel service, and that he

597
00:30:11,170 --> 00:30:16,050
Speaker 1: had been confirming a sex worker appointment for the morning.

598
00:30:16,050 --> 00:30:18,850
Speaker 1: We got back the next day and I was just

599
00:30:19,610 --> 00:30:23,410
Speaker 1: shell shopped. The messages dated back longer than I could

600
00:30:23,410 --> 00:30:27,890
Speaker 1: read through, sometimes up to four times a week, and

601
00:30:27,930 --> 00:30:35,610
Speaker 1: their appointments were two hours long. I couldn't actually understand.

602
00:30:36,210 --> 00:30:39,730
Speaker 1: It didn't really quite feel real, I suppose because I'm like,

603
00:30:40,690 --> 00:30:46,850
Speaker 1: this action of frequently visiting sex workers goes against everything

604
00:30:46,890 --> 00:30:49,250
Speaker 1: that I've known from the moment I met this person.

605
00:30:50,330 --> 00:30:56,290
Speaker 1: I was like, this feels like fake. I was reading

606
00:30:56,290 --> 00:30:57,890
Speaker 1: through them, I was like, this has been going on

607
00:30:58,170 --> 00:31:02,210
Speaker 1: a very long time. Like the comfortability around it of

608
00:31:02,290 --> 00:31:05,330
Speaker 1: being like, Okay, well i'll have this one at when

609
00:31:05,370 --> 00:31:07,130
Speaker 1: I get there at ten, and then maybe we'll swap

610
00:31:07,170 --> 00:31:09,130
Speaker 1: out halfway through and I'll have this one for the

611
00:31:09,210 --> 00:31:12,010
Speaker 1: last hour, and I'd be like, you know them all

612
00:31:12,050 --> 00:31:14,810
Speaker 1: by name? There was like seven of them, like you

613
00:31:14,890 --> 00:31:16,410
Speaker 1: know them all by name? Who you want to solf

614
00:31:16,490 --> 00:31:20,450
Speaker 1: out with? Who's on for the dad? The brothel madam

615
00:31:20,890 --> 00:31:24,610
Speaker 1: would addressing by name like Steve, we appreciate you so much,

616
00:31:24,730 --> 00:31:28,290
Speaker 1: like thank you again for coming. I threw up. My

617
00:31:28,370 --> 00:31:30,970
Speaker 1: body just was not like couldn't handle it. Like I

618
00:31:31,010 --> 00:31:33,530
Speaker 1: know it was going on in my heart and my head,

619
00:31:33,530 --> 00:31:37,610
Speaker 1: but my body was just in full shaking and hot

620
00:31:37,730 --> 00:31:40,970
Speaker 1: flashes and you know, like sweating. I was like, this

621
00:31:41,050 --> 00:31:45,610
Speaker 1: is like very real responses that were happening to something

622
00:31:45,650 --> 00:31:48,490
Speaker 1: so emotional that I was like, wow, it feels like

623
00:31:49,450 --> 00:31:54,330
Speaker 1: it's a full body yeah, full body experience. I was

624
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:58,090
Speaker 1: in shock, and I read through them. I realized what

625
00:31:58,170 --> 00:32:02,850
Speaker 1: it was. I kind of went into I suppose organization mode.

626
00:32:02,890 --> 00:32:04,650
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, well I need to get out

627
00:32:04,690 --> 00:32:07,610
Speaker 1: of this relationship. I can't have them living with me anymore.

628
00:32:08,210 --> 00:32:09,810
Speaker 1: We are not going to wait until five am to

629
00:32:09,890 --> 00:32:12,170
Speaker 1: drive back. This is a five hours away from where

630
00:32:12,170 --> 00:32:14,330
Speaker 1: we lived. So I was like, I'm going to be

631
00:32:14,330 --> 00:32:16,850
Speaker 1: stuck in a car off this person for five hours.

632
00:32:17,730 --> 00:32:20,330
Speaker 1: So I packed our bags up while he's asleep. I

633
00:32:20,370 --> 00:32:25,090
Speaker 1: took the keys off his key change for the apartment.

634
00:32:26,010 --> 00:32:28,570
Speaker 1: I think I put most of the things in the car.

635
00:32:29,090 --> 00:32:33,130
Speaker 1: I took screenshots on my phone of all of the messages,

636
00:32:34,290 --> 00:32:37,450
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I need to make sure

637
00:32:37,490 --> 00:32:39,610
Speaker 1: I have proved so you can't deny it. So I

638
00:32:39,690 --> 00:32:42,090
Speaker 1: like got it all organized and then I woke them up.

639
00:32:42,370 --> 00:32:44,130
Speaker 1: I was like, you need to tell me again who

640
00:32:44,210 --> 00:32:47,450
Speaker 1: is optis? And he went, I've told you and I

641
00:32:47,610 --> 00:32:49,970
Speaker 1: said who was Optis? And he went on to his

642
00:32:50,050 --> 00:32:53,410
Speaker 1: phone and he was He was like scrolling through the messages,

643
00:32:53,410 --> 00:32:57,570
Speaker 1: where's opteras. I was like, Steve, I know, and then

644
00:32:57,570 --> 00:33:00,010
Speaker 1: he smiles at me and he goes, you went on

645
00:33:00,010 --> 00:33:05,210
Speaker 1: my iPad. I forgot to erase them from there. Oh

646
00:33:05,330 --> 00:33:09,730
Speaker 1: my god. Yeah. That was his first reaction was the

647
00:33:09,770 --> 00:33:13,370
Speaker 1: smile at the fact that he'd forgotten or he'd been caught.

648
00:33:13,810 --> 00:33:17,290
Speaker 1: The smile shook me to my core. But he was like,

649
00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:20,530
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?

650
00:33:20,570 --> 00:33:22,370
Speaker 1: And I said, yes, I want to talk about it.

651
00:33:23,050 --> 00:33:27,490
Speaker 1: He goes, okay, well, I've had an addiction to this

652
00:33:27,650 --> 00:33:31,610
Speaker 1: for a very long time. I thought when we first

653
00:33:31,770 --> 00:33:35,170
Speaker 1: met that you were going to be the love of

654
00:33:35,170 --> 00:33:39,170
Speaker 1: my life, and I stopped my addiction for the first

655
00:33:39,290 --> 00:33:43,130
Speaker 1: I think it was three months, and then when I

656
00:33:43,210 --> 00:33:47,450
Speaker 1: realized that you weren't the one for me, I decided

657
00:33:47,490 --> 00:33:52,170
Speaker 1: to go back to it. He told me that he'd

658
00:33:52,170 --> 00:33:54,930
Speaker 1: lost the feelings for me, and just before we moved

659
00:33:54,930 --> 00:33:59,730
Speaker 1: in together. So for me to hear that basically us

660
00:33:59,770 --> 00:34:03,210
Speaker 1: moving in and living together was all it felt like

661
00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:06,250
Speaker 1: I was being used. That it was like I was

662
00:34:06,290 --> 00:34:10,330
Speaker 1: a convenient way to get to where he wanted to be,

663
00:34:10,650 --> 00:34:13,530
Speaker 1: and that you know, he could skip frints sometimes and

664
00:34:13,530 --> 00:34:15,650
Speaker 1: he would get free food. And I felt very much

665
00:34:16,210 --> 00:34:18,250
Speaker 1: in that moment like I have just been taken for

666
00:34:18,330 --> 00:34:22,450
Speaker 1: a ride. Obviously I'm in tears. Well, we're having this conversation.

667
00:34:22,930 --> 00:34:25,650
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I don't understand. You're telling me that you've

668
00:34:25,690 --> 00:34:30,210
Speaker 1: got this sex addiction and specific sex work addiction and

669
00:34:30,250 --> 00:34:32,250
Speaker 1: porn addiction, and I'm like, but you have had a

670
00:34:32,290 --> 00:34:36,450
Speaker 1: girlfriend who adores you, like worship the ground you walk on,

671
00:34:36,530 --> 00:34:39,850
Speaker 1: being like, let's go in there thebe and you're like, oh,

672
00:34:40,210 --> 00:34:45,250
Speaker 1: rather not like I don't understand. He tried to explain

673
00:34:45,290 --> 00:34:48,810
Speaker 1: it away. He wasn't very apologetic, which really shocked me

674
00:34:49,290 --> 00:34:53,170
Speaker 1: because I wanted a human response and it was frustrating

675
00:34:53,210 --> 00:34:55,730
Speaker 1: me that I couldn't get it. So there was a

676
00:34:55,730 --> 00:34:57,570
Speaker 1: lot of I feel like, I just want you to

677
00:34:57,610 --> 00:35:01,330
Speaker 1: act human. You have done something awful. I want you

678
00:35:01,370 --> 00:35:03,130
Speaker 1: to cry, I want you to feel bad about what

679
00:35:03,170 --> 00:35:06,330
Speaker 1: you've done, Like what you have done is always like, yeah,

680
00:35:06,330 --> 00:35:08,130
Speaker 1: it's the most hopeful thing I've ever done to someone.

681
00:35:08,170 --> 00:35:10,650
Speaker 1: To be honest, he was like, but I kind of

682
00:35:11,250 --> 00:35:13,330
Speaker 1: I kin'd. I wanted to get caught because I didn't

683
00:35:13,370 --> 00:35:15,930
Speaker 1: know how long I could keep doing this. I mean,

684
00:35:15,930 --> 00:35:18,090
Speaker 1: that was probably the hardest part. I know, all of

685
00:35:18,090 --> 00:35:20,730
Speaker 1: this is horrible, but that was one of the harder

686
00:35:20,770 --> 00:35:24,130
Speaker 1: parts for me. Was because you know what, sex work

687
00:35:24,370 --> 00:35:27,090
Speaker 1: is an addiction that quite a lot of guys have.

688
00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:30,970
Speaker 1: So no, I wouldn't have stayed with him in any way,

689
00:35:31,010 --> 00:35:36,170
Speaker 1: shape or form, but I did love him, and once

690
00:35:36,210 --> 00:35:38,850
Speaker 1: I had kind of gotten through everything, if i'd seen

691
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:44,210
Speaker 1: like genuine breakdown, fears, emotions, I'm terrified I keep doing this.

692
00:35:44,890 --> 00:35:47,610
Speaker 1: If it had like shown me some like I'm so vulnerable.

693
00:35:47,690 --> 00:35:50,490
Speaker 1: I've been making this mistake for a very long time,

694
00:35:51,210 --> 00:35:53,490
Speaker 1: throwing me honesty, throwing me that I would have been like,

695
00:35:53,530 --> 00:35:55,970
Speaker 1: you know what, I will help you through this, but

696
00:35:56,090 --> 00:35:58,690
Speaker 1: as a friend or in a different capacity that I'm

697
00:35:58,730 --> 00:36:00,250
Speaker 1: not going to be here as your girlfriend, but you

698
00:36:00,330 --> 00:36:03,090
Speaker 1: need help. I appear to be the only person in

699
00:36:03,130 --> 00:36:05,690
Speaker 1: your life who knows about this and so if you

700
00:36:05,770 --> 00:36:08,370
Speaker 1: want me to help your bloody help you. But the

701
00:36:08,410 --> 00:36:11,450
Speaker 1: fact that it was just like, h well I've been

702
00:36:11,450 --> 00:36:16,130
Speaker 1: called now, like that swap of personalities. I didn't know

703
00:36:16,130 --> 00:36:20,810
Speaker 1: who I'd been living with. Well, we jumped in the car. Well,

704
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:23,530
Speaker 1: to be fair, I said we need to go, We

705
00:36:23,570 --> 00:36:26,330
Speaker 1: need to go now, and he said I need more

706
00:36:26,370 --> 00:36:29,050
Speaker 1: sleep before driving. And I said, well, I'm taking the car.

707
00:36:29,090 --> 00:36:31,530
Speaker 1: Then he said, if you take the car, I will

708
00:36:31,530 --> 00:36:35,650
Speaker 1: call the police and have you arrested for stealing the car.

709
00:36:36,490 --> 00:36:40,490
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm literally stuck five hours away

710
00:36:40,490 --> 00:36:42,850
Speaker 1: from home. There is no public transport out here. I

711
00:36:42,890 --> 00:36:45,450
Speaker 1: can't take the car because absolutely he would have called

712
00:36:45,490 --> 00:36:48,770
Speaker 1: the police just to be like, I don't know, spiteful

713
00:36:48,770 --> 00:36:51,890
Speaker 1: in that moment. So he slept for two hours while

714
00:36:51,930 --> 00:36:54,650
Speaker 1: I sat in the bed next and I'm just I

715
00:36:54,650 --> 00:36:57,130
Speaker 1: don't know, thinking, probably a bit of sobs here and there.

716
00:36:57,850 --> 00:37:01,450
Speaker 1: But you could sleep. Yeah, that's another thing that's always creepy.

717
00:37:01,730 --> 00:37:06,330
Speaker 1: You could sleep no conscience. The drive home was hell.

718
00:37:06,850 --> 00:37:09,290
Speaker 1: Don't get being like, this is my hell loop. If

719
00:37:09,330 --> 00:37:10,890
Speaker 1: I go to Hell, this is what I'm going to

720
00:37:10,930 --> 00:37:14,010
Speaker 1: be reliving. They're sitting in a car do for these

721
00:37:14,050 --> 00:37:16,170
Speaker 1: five hours. There are a couple of times where he

722
00:37:16,330 --> 00:37:18,370
Speaker 1: was like, do you think we'd be able to work

723
00:37:18,450 --> 00:37:22,930
Speaker 1: through this? And I said no. I did say, I

724
00:37:22,970 --> 00:37:26,450
Speaker 1: was very vocal throughout is that cheating is my absolute

725
00:37:26,530 --> 00:37:29,890
Speaker 1: no go. I don't mind if it kues or chay,

726
00:37:30,330 --> 00:37:34,130
Speaker 1: it's a no go for me. So before we got

727
00:37:34,130 --> 00:37:37,250
Speaker 1: home got home, I said like, I need you out today.

728
00:37:37,690 --> 00:37:39,810
Speaker 1: I was like, like, my name's the only lease on

729
00:37:39,810 --> 00:37:42,850
Speaker 1: the apartment. He moved in with me. He's got friends

730
00:37:42,890 --> 00:37:46,090
Speaker 1: yet he doesn't have a full apartment of stuff. But

731
00:37:46,130 --> 00:37:49,410
Speaker 1: I was like, look, you need to move out today.

732
00:37:49,530 --> 00:37:52,730
Speaker 1: He's like, okay, it's that good. And then we walked

733
00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:55,970
Speaker 1: upstairs to the apartment and I saw that he was

734
00:37:55,970 --> 00:37:57,970
Speaker 1: bringing his bag in and I was like, what are

735
00:37:57,970 --> 00:38:01,730
Speaker 1: you doing. You have a higher car until three it

736
00:38:01,810 --> 00:38:05,890
Speaker 1: is now eight am, Like you can just put what

737
00:38:05,970 --> 00:38:09,050
Speaker 1: you can fit into the high car, drop it to friends,

738
00:38:09,090 --> 00:38:11,530
Speaker 1: come get the rest. Do they? And he was like okay?

739
00:38:12,330 --> 00:38:16,450
Speaker 1: And then he went to use the bathroom and then

740
00:38:16,570 --> 00:38:19,010
Speaker 1: just left with all of his things there and I

741
00:38:19,050 --> 00:38:21,970
Speaker 1: was like, he didn't take anything with him, and I

742
00:38:22,010 --> 00:38:25,050
Speaker 1: called him. I was like, look, Steve, you've got all

743
00:38:25,090 --> 00:38:27,930
Speaker 1: of these things now in my apartment. You have to

744
00:38:27,970 --> 00:38:31,330
Speaker 1: be out today and you can't just expect me to

745
00:38:31,450 --> 00:38:34,210
Speaker 1: be able to move everything out in a day, And

746
00:38:34,250 --> 00:38:37,530
Speaker 1: I said, I can. This is not an amicable breakup.

747
00:38:37,850 --> 00:38:40,690
Speaker 1: We are not breaking up because it didn't work out.

748
00:38:40,730 --> 00:38:43,450
Speaker 1: We didn't see eye to eye. Paths are going in

749
00:38:43,490 --> 00:38:46,690
Speaker 1: separate directions. We are breaking up because you have been

750
00:38:46,770 --> 00:38:52,090
Speaker 1: cheating on me consistently for the last what seven months

751
00:38:52,130 --> 00:38:56,970
Speaker 1: of our relationship, and you've been paying for it, which

752
00:38:57,050 --> 00:39:00,170
Speaker 1: was a massive rub with all the money issues that

753
00:39:00,210 --> 00:39:03,170
Speaker 1: we had been having. I asked him one of the

754
00:39:03,250 --> 00:39:05,770
Speaker 1: questions on that five hour car ride was how much

755
00:39:05,810 --> 00:39:09,610
Speaker 1: did this cost? And he said one hundred and forty

756
00:39:09,610 --> 00:39:12,930
Speaker 1: dollars And I said for how long? It's like for

757
00:39:12,970 --> 00:39:15,890
Speaker 1: an hour? It was like for half an hour, so

758
00:39:16,290 --> 00:39:20,650
Speaker 1: two hundred and eighty dollars an hour, and then going

759
00:39:20,690 --> 00:39:23,490
Speaker 1: for two hours and going for that much a week.

760
00:39:24,050 --> 00:39:28,130
Speaker 1: He is spending a fortune, like his rent was one

761
00:39:28,210 --> 00:39:31,690
Speaker 1: hundred and seventy. It did make me feel icky. It

762
00:39:31,730 --> 00:39:33,530
Speaker 1: was one of the things that I said to him

763
00:39:34,410 --> 00:39:40,210
Speaker 1: was that he basically made me fund his addiction, and

764
00:39:40,250 --> 00:39:41,490
Speaker 1: he was like, what do you mean. I was like,

765
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:45,490
Speaker 1: because I was paying for your accommodation and your food

766
00:39:45,610 --> 00:39:48,450
Speaker 1: and your everything, so you could afford that. I was

767
00:39:48,490 --> 00:39:52,170
Speaker 1: funding you cheating on me, like you were basically making

768
00:39:52,170 --> 00:39:53,850
Speaker 1: me pay for it, because if you were paying for

769
00:39:53,890 --> 00:39:56,610
Speaker 1: those things yourself, you wouldn't have been able to afford

770
00:39:56,650 --> 00:40:00,290
Speaker 1: to go. So that you made me fund my own cheating.

771
00:40:00,810 --> 00:40:02,810
Speaker 2: It was a lot to try to reckon with, let

772
00:40:02,890 --> 00:40:05,970
Speaker 2: alone try to move on from. She was sick, confused,

773
00:40:06,010 --> 00:40:08,490
Speaker 2: and so hurt because at the end of the day

774
00:40:08,650 --> 00:40:11,450
Speaker 2: she had loved him, so she was heartbroken. On top

775
00:40:11,490 --> 00:40:13,770
Speaker 2: of all, I don't think I ate for like six

776
00:40:13,890 --> 00:40:14,410
Speaker 2: days straight.

777
00:40:14,810 --> 00:40:19,410
Speaker 1: I was just hollow. I couldn't feel. And also I

778
00:40:19,450 --> 00:40:23,170
Speaker 1: couldn't drink like normally, if something I have a bad day,

779
00:40:23,210 --> 00:40:25,490
Speaker 1: give me a glass of wine. I couldn't even like

780
00:40:25,610 --> 00:40:27,930
Speaker 1: people like get drunk, it'll make you feel better. I

781
00:40:27,930 --> 00:40:31,130
Speaker 1: couldn't stomach the idea of having a glass of wine

782
00:40:31,250 --> 00:40:34,210
Speaker 1: or a drink at all. He didn't pack up his stuff.

783
00:40:34,490 --> 00:40:36,570
Speaker 1: I had to pack it up. He didn't come back

784
00:40:37,450 --> 00:40:40,050
Speaker 1: till about three days later. I said, look, I'm just

785
00:40:40,090 --> 00:40:41,530
Speaker 1: gonna put it in the lobby. We've got like a

786
00:40:41,570 --> 00:40:44,370
Speaker 1: locked area in the lobby. And I was like, put

787
00:40:44,370 --> 00:40:47,010
Speaker 1: in the lobby ring up and I'll let you in

788
00:40:47,050 --> 00:40:49,570
Speaker 1: and you can grab your stuff kind of thing. Three

789
00:40:49,610 --> 00:40:51,210
Speaker 1: days later when he still wun't come pick it up,

790
00:40:51,250 --> 00:40:52,850
Speaker 1: and he was like, if you leave my things in

791
00:40:52,890 --> 00:40:55,490
Speaker 1: the lobby, I will call the police and say that

792
00:40:55,530 --> 00:41:00,010
Speaker 1: it's been stolen. He was very much getting into like

793
00:41:00,170 --> 00:41:03,690
Speaker 1: on the offensive. So I would bring it up and

794
00:41:03,690 --> 00:41:06,930
Speaker 1: then drop it back down and then eventually got it. All.

795
00:41:06,970 --> 00:41:09,210
Speaker 1: I found when I was cleaning out all of his

796
00:41:09,330 --> 00:41:13,170
Speaker 1: things a bag full of pocket puts it, like seven

797
00:41:13,250 --> 00:41:15,530
Speaker 1: of them. And I think it was such a shock

798
00:41:15,570 --> 00:41:18,890
Speaker 1: as well because of the sex, because he seemed so

799
00:41:19,090 --> 00:41:22,930
Speaker 1: low sexual that I'm finding these, like these sex toys

800
00:41:23,050 --> 00:41:26,570
Speaker 1: and finding out on this. Actually, on the last day,

801
00:41:27,050 --> 00:41:29,530
Speaker 1: we had flights booked to go to New Zealand in

802
00:41:29,570 --> 00:41:33,450
Speaker 1: a month's time to see my family, and he wouldn't

803
00:41:33,450 --> 00:41:38,170
Speaker 1: give me my flight details because we'd booked it under

804
00:41:38,170 --> 00:41:40,450
Speaker 1: one thing, and he wouldn't give me the flight details,

805
00:41:40,490 --> 00:41:42,130
Speaker 1: And he was using that as a bargaining chip as

806
00:41:42,130 --> 00:41:45,010
Speaker 1: to why I should store his things for longer. So

807
00:41:45,890 --> 00:41:48,050
Speaker 1: when I found his old phone amongst his things that

808
00:41:48,090 --> 00:41:49,930
Speaker 1: I was packing up, I was like, I plugged this

809
00:41:50,010 --> 00:41:52,130
Speaker 1: and in charge it. I bet it's still attached to

810
00:41:52,170 --> 00:41:55,850
Speaker 1: his email, and I'm just going to send myself the flights,

811
00:41:56,170 --> 00:41:59,370
Speaker 1: like then, you can't hold that over me. And I

812
00:41:59,370 --> 00:42:02,050
Speaker 1: got it plugged in, got it charged passwards the same

813
00:42:02,090 --> 00:42:04,330
Speaker 1: as the current one, and oh my gosh, it was

814
00:42:04,330 --> 00:42:10,170
Speaker 1: a treasure trove of information dating back to like twenty

815
00:42:10,370 --> 00:42:14,930
Speaker 1: sixteen of visiting sex workers and he filmed them, and

816
00:42:15,010 --> 00:42:18,890
Speaker 1: also he had lots of pictures of the ex girlfriends

817
00:42:18,930 --> 00:42:23,930
Speaker 1: on there. I saw him once after that because we'd

818
00:42:23,930 --> 00:42:28,330
Speaker 1: put our passports together for our New Zealand trip, and

819
00:42:28,650 --> 00:42:31,010
Speaker 1: when I moved him out, I didn't realize his passport

820
00:42:31,050 --> 00:42:33,130
Speaker 1: was with mine still, so we had to meet up

821
00:42:33,170 --> 00:42:37,370
Speaker 1: to do the passport swap over. He seemed very angry

822
00:42:37,370 --> 00:42:40,850
Speaker 1: at me for telling people, and I was like, why

823
00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:44,530
Speaker 1: shouldn't I though, like if it was just your story,

824
00:42:44,530 --> 00:42:47,090
Speaker 1: but you made it my story as well, it's my

825
00:42:47,170 --> 00:42:49,650
Speaker 1: story to tell now because you got me involved. But

826
00:42:49,770 --> 00:42:52,810
Speaker 1: he's still he was very much like well, I think

827
00:42:52,850 --> 00:42:56,290
Speaker 1: he just so badly wanted to protect that image that

828
00:42:56,730 --> 00:42:59,410
Speaker 1: he didn't matter what he had done. He'd been living

829
00:42:59,450 --> 00:43:01,610
Speaker 1: with what he was doing for a very long time,

830
00:43:02,090 --> 00:43:03,770
Speaker 1: so it wasn't as much of a shock to him

831
00:43:03,770 --> 00:43:06,530
Speaker 1: as it was to me, but because it was new

832
00:43:06,530 --> 00:43:08,970
Speaker 1: to me, I was like, no, I need to talk

833
00:43:09,010 --> 00:43:11,530
Speaker 1: about this. It's going to help me to talk about this.

834
00:43:12,210 --> 00:43:14,010
Speaker 1: And I think that he just holds so much anger

835
00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:16,570
Speaker 1: over that that I should have just let him move

836
00:43:16,610 --> 00:43:19,650
Speaker 1: on and let him try again with someone new without

837
00:43:19,890 --> 00:43:24,530
Speaker 1: anyone knowing. It definitely dented my confidence. It's still dented now,

838
00:43:25,210 --> 00:43:29,330
Speaker 1: but it is it's getting better because I think I've

839
00:43:29,370 --> 00:43:33,250
Speaker 1: done so much research on it, read up about men

840
00:43:33,290 --> 00:43:36,130
Speaker 1: who have come up who have these issues and the

841
00:43:36,170 --> 00:43:38,810
Speaker 1: women who stand by them or don't, and like the

842
00:43:38,810 --> 00:43:41,650
Speaker 1: effects that it has, and I think it is such

843
00:43:41,650 --> 00:43:45,410
Speaker 1: an addiction, like it's not real life. I think because

844
00:43:45,450 --> 00:43:49,010
Speaker 1: he'd been doing it for so long, a real relationship,

845
00:43:49,450 --> 00:43:51,530
Speaker 1: not that it was boring, but just wasn't the same.

846
00:43:52,370 --> 00:43:55,490
Speaker 1: I don't think it's any reflection on me or anyone

847
00:43:55,530 --> 00:43:58,530
Speaker 1: else who's been through it. Like there will be times

848
00:43:58,570 --> 00:44:01,450
Speaker 1: that I will still feel super self conscious and a

849
00:44:01,450 --> 00:44:04,090
Speaker 1: bit low about it, and when I do sleep with

850
00:44:04,090 --> 00:44:06,930
Speaker 1: someone again, like it'll be like a it's going to

851
00:44:06,970 --> 00:44:09,490
Speaker 1: have to take my time this time, you know. But

852
00:44:09,650 --> 00:44:11,410
Speaker 1: I think like at its crux and what my heart

853
00:44:12,090 --> 00:44:15,010
Speaker 1: is that it's actually not a reflection. I mean without

854
00:44:15,050 --> 00:44:17,210
Speaker 1: putting in any work. I think that it then makes

855
00:44:17,210 --> 00:44:20,210
Speaker 1: it really hard to live a normal life. And I

856
00:44:20,250 --> 00:44:24,050
Speaker 1: do feel sorry for him for that, like that's going

857
00:44:24,130 --> 00:44:27,930
Speaker 1: to be a massive issue to overcome. I think that

858
00:44:28,410 --> 00:44:31,890
Speaker 1: trust in your gut is so important. Like the intuition

859
00:44:32,210 --> 00:44:36,570
Speaker 1: on women is insane. We have got it just naturally

860
00:44:36,570 --> 00:44:38,890
Speaker 1: in us. And I think while I was happy and

861
00:44:38,970 --> 00:44:42,090
Speaker 1: joyful and madly in love, there was something there that

862
00:44:42,170 --> 00:44:45,210
Speaker 1: I knew was off. I knew something was I couldn't

863
00:44:45,210 --> 00:44:47,650
Speaker 1: figure out what it was. And I think that I

864
00:44:47,730 --> 00:44:50,970
Speaker 1: put these trivial little issues in place to kind of

865
00:44:51,050 --> 00:44:54,170
Speaker 1: bury bury that emotion and be like, oh, it's just

866
00:44:54,170 --> 00:44:56,930
Speaker 1: because of this. But I think trust your gut because

867
00:44:57,250 --> 00:45:00,650
Speaker 1: it's never really wrong. I never thought he was a cheater.

868
00:45:01,170 --> 00:45:02,530
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, he's a pain in

869
00:45:02,530 --> 00:45:04,930
Speaker 1: the ass and he needs to do the dishes more,

870
00:45:05,570 --> 00:45:08,210
Speaker 1: but he's not a cheater. And I was like, oh

871
00:45:08,250 --> 00:45:10,210
Speaker 1: my god, you can't be a cheater and not do

872
00:45:10,330 --> 00:45:16,250
Speaker 1: the dishes like peck one. Yeah, I've gone on a

873
00:45:16,290 --> 00:45:19,850
Speaker 1: few dates. I'm very cautious now. I feel like my

874
00:45:20,130 --> 00:45:23,290
Speaker 1: red flag radar is so high that any little thing

875
00:45:23,770 --> 00:45:26,730
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's a no. I'm so happy with everything

876
00:45:26,770 --> 00:45:30,250
Speaker 1: else that I've got going on, and it's a massive

877
00:45:30,290 --> 00:45:33,370
Speaker 1: bonus that I found out about this. We never had kids,

878
00:45:33,810 --> 00:45:36,210
Speaker 1: we never got married, it was only a year into

879
00:45:36,210 --> 00:45:39,770
Speaker 1: the relationship, could have been three easily. If that little

880
00:45:39,970 --> 00:45:42,650
Speaker 1: thing haven't happened while we're watching a movie, I might

881
00:45:42,650 --> 00:45:44,210
Speaker 1: not have found out for a very long time. So

882
00:45:45,010 --> 00:45:47,810
Speaker 1: thank you, universe. Appreciate that.

883
00:46:04,850 --> 00:46:07,810
Speaker 2: Everyone Has an X is a Minti Media production and

884
00:46:07,850 --> 00:46:10,770
Speaker 2: proudly part of the Mum and Me Network. It's written

885
00:46:10,810 --> 00:46:14,410
Speaker 2: and narrated by Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.

886
00:46:14,690 --> 00:46:18,090
Speaker 2: If you like We've heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe,

887
00:46:18,210 --> 00:46:20,770
Speaker 2: writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can

888
00:46:20,810 --> 00:46:23,690
Speaker 2: also follow us on Instagram and Everyone has an X

889
00:46:23,970 --> 00:46:25,770
Speaker 2: And if you have a story you'd like to share,

890
00:46:25,850 --> 00:46:28,090
Speaker 2: you can contact us at Everyone Has an ex at

891
00:46:28,090 --> 00:46:32,130
Speaker 2: mintimedia dot com, dot you, or submissions at mamamea dot

892
00:46:32,130 --> 00:46:35,250
Speaker 2: com dot you with the word submission in the subject field.