WEBVTT - Tortured Soul 0:00:12.810 --> 0:00:15.530 You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. 0:00:17.930 --> 0:00:21.290 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. 0:00:21.330 --> 0:00:25.370 This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with domestic violence, 0:00:25.450 --> 0:00:29.690 pregnancy termination, and talk of suicide. Listener discretion is advised. 0:00:36.450 --> 0:00:39.010 What would you do, dear listener, if you found out 0:00:39.050 --> 0:00:41.930 something about your partner that changed the very fabric of 0:00:41.970 --> 0:00:44.570 your relationship at a point when you felt you were 0:00:44.610 --> 0:00:47.090 too far in would you cut and run or would 0:00:47.090 --> 0:00:49.370 you trust the fact you've now found out and try 0:00:49.410 --> 0:00:49.850 to move on. 0:00:50.290 --> 0:00:52.610 He knew that I wouldn't have continued with the relationship 0:00:52.650 --> 0:00:54.730 if you told me so. He didn't, and then he 0:00:54.770 --> 0:00:56.490 decided to buy a house with me and start this 0:00:56.530 --> 0:01:00.250 whole life with me without being honest about this very 0:01:00.290 --> 0:01:03.210 crucial part that I deserve to know. 0:01:03.970 --> 0:01:06.610 So maybe you do keep moving forward. Maybe you move 0:01:06.650 --> 0:01:10.210 forward for six years, but through and after it all, 0:01:10.490 --> 0:01:12.490 it turns out what you thought what was the issue 0:01:12.690 --> 0:01:14.410 didn't even scratch the surface. 0:01:15.490 --> 0:01:19.650 At that moment when he had opened up about that, 0:01:20.730 --> 0:01:23.370 it was just like all the pieces just fit. It 0:01:23.450 --> 0:01:26.130 was like that missing puzzle piece that I was trying 0:01:26.130 --> 0:01:30.250 to search for for so many years, and I found it, 0:01:30.370 --> 0:01:33.890 you know, the penny dropped. It wasn't just his depression, 0:01:33.970 --> 0:01:36.530 it wasn't just all these other things. There was no 0:01:36.530 --> 0:01:37.210 hope anymore. 0:01:47.090 --> 0:01:49.650 I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex 0:01:49.930 --> 0:01:52.130 Come with me as we dive into a collection of 0:01:52.250 --> 0:01:56.450 unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the 0:01:56.490 --> 0:01:59.930 hearts of the very people who lived them. We're so 0:02:00.010 --> 0:02:02.410 often hear that when you're not looking, that's when you 0:02:02.450 --> 0:02:06.090 find the right person. But sometimes, like for Rebecca and Cam, 0:02:06.410 --> 0:02:09.290 it's not even you who finds the person, but someone else, 0:02:09.370 --> 0:02:11.610 a trusted friend with only good intentions. 0:02:12.450 --> 0:02:14.770 We met in January of twenty seventeen. We were set 0:02:14.850 --> 0:02:18.130 up by a mutual friend and at the time I 0:02:18.690 --> 0:02:22.970 was twenty almost twenty one and he was twenty three. 0:02:23.690 --> 0:02:26.090 I wasn't really looking for anything serious, sort of just 0:02:26.530 --> 0:02:30.210 popped up. My friend thought that we would be well 0:02:30.250 --> 0:02:32.770 suited together, and you know, why not give it a crack. 0:02:32.890 --> 0:02:35.090 So I thought, you know, what have I got to lose? 0:02:35.130 --> 0:02:38.650 So we organized a date. It all happened pretty quickly. 0:02:38.650 --> 0:02:40.330 It was within the week. We went on a date. 0:02:40.370 --> 0:02:42.930 We went to the beach, got a coffee, and we 0:02:43.250 --> 0:02:44.930 sort of just sat on the beach talking for a 0:02:44.930 --> 0:02:48.490 couple of hours, and like it was good. First time 0:02:48.490 --> 0:02:50.570 I saw him, I thought he was cute, you know, 0:02:50.850 --> 0:02:53.610 I was like, this is good. We hit it off 0:02:53.650 --> 0:02:55.970 straight away. Really, we just vibed. He had a good 0:02:56.050 --> 0:02:58.890 energy about him, and I was attracted to him. You know. 0:02:58.930 --> 0:03:01.690 He was wearing a hat and he always seemed to 0:03:01.690 --> 0:03:05.330 wear hats, and he had one of those beaber fringes, 0:03:05.530 --> 0:03:08.730 and he was tall. He had a really nice smile, 0:03:08.930 --> 0:03:11.570 you know, like it was really nice. It was very inviting. 0:03:12.170 --> 0:03:16.170 We had a lot of similarities, like he had had 0:03:16.210 --> 0:03:20.050 a serious motorbike accident when he was fourteen, and I 0:03:20.250 --> 0:03:21.930 had the same one when I was eighteen, and we 0:03:22.010 --> 0:03:26.250 both experienced the same brain injury, which I'm fine now, 0:03:26.290 --> 0:03:28.250 by the way, but that was something that we could 0:03:28.290 --> 0:03:30.170 relate to, and that was something that really sort of 0:03:30.210 --> 0:03:33.250 connected us right from the beginning, because not many people 0:03:33.330 --> 0:03:36.610 in this world know what it's like to have a 0:03:36.850 --> 0:03:39.130 well temporary brain injury. No one really knows what that 0:03:39.170 --> 0:03:41.850 feeling's like. But he did, you know, we did. So 0:03:42.610 --> 0:03:44.850 we just bonded over that and we just laughed and 0:03:44.890 --> 0:03:48.330 he was funny and he was nice, and he just 0:03:48.370 --> 0:03:51.330 seemed to be on my level, and I just really 0:03:51.410 --> 0:03:53.370 like that. And I think because we were set up 0:03:53.370 --> 0:03:55.490 through a mutual friend as well, there's that connection there, 0:03:55.530 --> 0:03:57.650 so it's sort of just like that instant you can 0:03:57.730 --> 0:04:00.730 just you can trust them. I wasn't actually going to 0:04:00.770 --> 0:04:03.090 go on a second date. Towards the end of the date, 0:04:03.330 --> 0:04:05.490 he was talking about his ex a lot, and that's 0:04:05.490 --> 0:04:07.170 sort of like a turn off to me. I'm just like, 0:04:07.370 --> 0:04:10.090 I'm not really interested in talking about exes. It's not 0:04:10.090 --> 0:04:12.570 really something you talk about on a first day. But 0:04:12.770 --> 0:04:14.330 I sort of went home and I spoke to my 0:04:14.370 --> 0:04:16.210 sister and she's like, just give it another go, because 0:04:16.210 --> 0:04:18.170 he was really keen to see me again. And I 0:04:18.290 --> 0:04:19.690 was just like, oh yeah, but he spoke about his 0:04:19.730 --> 0:04:21.410 ex and you know, and she's like, just give it 0:04:21.410 --> 0:04:22.650 a go, just give it another girl, and I was 0:04:22.650 --> 0:04:25.730 like okay. So it was like two days later and 0:04:25.810 --> 0:04:28.010 we met up again. I actually went to his house, 0:04:28.050 --> 0:04:31.170 which is not something that I'd usually do, but just 0:04:31.170 --> 0:04:34.450 felt comfortable and easy to do, so so I did 0:04:34.530 --> 0:04:37.770 and we hung out at his and honestly, the rest 0:04:37.850 --> 0:04:40.010 was history. We just we would see each other like 0:04:40.050 --> 0:04:43.090 almost every single day. We lived basically an hour apart 0:04:43.090 --> 0:04:45.250 from each other, but we'd always make the drive, like 0:04:45.330 --> 0:04:48.170 after work or we just had this routine. It all 0:04:48.210 --> 0:04:50.930 just happened so quickly, and we were just like two 0:04:50.930 --> 0:04:53.090 peas in a pod. We spend a lot of time 0:04:53.210 --> 0:04:55.530 at each other's houses. He lived close to the water, 0:04:55.770 --> 0:04:58.810 so we'd always drive to the beach, have a coffee. 0:04:59.090 --> 0:05:02.210 We'd go on hikes. I love deer, so we'd always 0:05:02.210 --> 0:05:04.370 try and find the deer. We just spend a lot 0:05:04.410 --> 0:05:06.770 of time near the water, and we spoke a lot. 0:05:06.850 --> 0:05:09.570 We had good communication, so we just spent most of 0:05:09.610 --> 0:05:12.650 our time talking and it was just strengthening the connection. 0:05:13.290 --> 0:05:15.210 I felt very early on that that I was falling 0:05:15.250 --> 0:05:18.690 in love with him, and I felt that that was reciprocated. 0:05:18.810 --> 0:05:22.250 And three months in I said that I loved him 0:05:22.250 --> 0:05:24.650 and he set it back, and then it just it 0:05:24.770 --> 0:05:25.290 shot off. 0:05:25.810 --> 0:05:29.250 The relationship picked up thick and fast from there. Quickly 0:05:29.330 --> 0:05:31.650 they knew they wanted to live together, so they put 0:05:31.730 --> 0:05:35.530 their financial maturity caps on, saved hard, and after Josh 0:05:35.650 --> 0:05:38.010 I have eighteen months together, they bought a house. 0:05:38.930 --> 0:05:42.210 It was amazing. It was like living with your best friend. Honestly, 0:05:42.250 --> 0:05:44.290 it was like a constant sleepover with your best friend 0:05:44.370 --> 0:05:47.650 every single day. I was so happy. We would both 0:05:47.690 --> 0:05:51.530 work full time and he would leave for work earlier 0:05:51.610 --> 0:05:55.090 than me, and he would always leave a coffee in 0:05:55.130 --> 0:05:57.330 a coffee cup for me with a little note next 0:05:57.370 --> 0:05:59.050 to the kettle, always like a cute note that was 0:05:59.090 --> 0:06:01.690 always really nice. So I'd always have something nice to 0:06:01.730 --> 0:06:04.810 wake up to every morning. And so we would go 0:06:04.850 --> 0:06:08.210 to work, we'd come home and then we cooked dinner together. 0:06:08.610 --> 0:06:10.930 We'd sit out the back. We loved having cups of teas, 0:06:10.970 --> 0:06:12.330 so we just sit out at the back and we 0:06:12.450 --> 0:06:15.290 just talk. We just talk about everything, honestly, like we 0:06:15.330 --> 0:06:17.170 could talk to the cows. Came home like it was 0:06:17.330 --> 0:06:20.290 just we're so close and so that's what our afternoon, 0:06:20.370 --> 0:06:22.770 our evening would look like. It was one of those 0:06:22.810 --> 0:06:25.770 relationships where it's just it's perfect, you know, like even 0:06:25.810 --> 0:06:28.610 people at work they're talking about their relationships, or he 0:06:28.650 --> 0:06:31.090 does this that's annoying or whatever. I never had anything 0:06:31.090 --> 0:06:33.370 bad to say. It was just we were so close 0:06:33.450 --> 0:06:37.370 and connected and every day was just absolutely amazing. It 0:06:37.410 --> 0:06:40.290 was just one of those relationships where like nothing could 0:06:40.330 --> 0:06:44.770 go wrong, you know, like everything's just perfect. And there 0:06:44.810 --> 0:06:46.450 was a lot of faith in the relationship. A lot 0:06:46.490 --> 0:06:48.690 of trust in the relationship and it was just it 0:06:48.770 --> 0:06:52.050 was amazing. So those first six months were just everything. 0:06:52.850 --> 0:06:55.010 Uh oh, what happened? After six months? 0:06:55.210 --> 0:06:56.770 There was one night that we were sitting in the 0:06:56.810 --> 0:06:59.810 back room. He started just having this panic attack next 0:06:59.810 --> 0:07:02.330 to me, and I was looked at him. I was like, like, 0:07:02.370 --> 0:07:07.410 what's going on? And he was like, I can't hide 0:07:07.410 --> 0:07:11.010 this any longer. I need to tell you. And he 0:07:11.290 --> 0:07:14.930 told me that he had cheated on me seven months 0:07:14.930 --> 0:07:17.850 into a relationship with a girl that he used to 0:07:17.890 --> 0:07:20.770 speak to, and you know, he was he started to 0:07:20.810 --> 0:07:22.810 go into detail, but I stopped him in his tracks. 0:07:22.850 --> 0:07:24.690 I'm like, I don't I don't want to know, I 0:07:24.690 --> 0:07:26.530 don't care to know. And I just sort of just 0:07:27.090 --> 0:07:30.650 jumped up, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my 0:07:30.690 --> 0:07:33.410 car and he was it was like a whole dramatic 0:07:33.450 --> 0:07:35.890 scene where he was chasing me out and he was like, 0:07:35.930 --> 0:07:37.970 please don't leave. I love you. You know I made 0:07:37.970 --> 0:07:40.450 a mistake. And I was like, I'm not hearing it. 0:07:40.490 --> 0:07:43.250 I don't care to hear about it. And I got 0:07:43.250 --> 0:07:46.130 in my car and I took off and I drove 0:07:46.250 --> 0:07:47.970 like twenty minutes and I just sat in my car 0:07:48.330 --> 0:07:53.170 for hours, just trying to process everything. I was shocked, 0:07:54.010 --> 0:07:55.970 and I was angry. I was I was shocked, and 0:07:56.010 --> 0:07:58.850 I was angry because why would you commit to buying 0:07:58.890 --> 0:08:00.490 a house with me and starting this life with me 0:08:01.370 --> 0:08:04.450 and you couldn't be honest about what had happened because 0:08:04.450 --> 0:08:06.970 he knew. He knew. I'd always said it right from 0:08:06.970 --> 0:08:09.290 the beginning, like the one thing you don't do is 0:08:09.370 --> 0:08:11.970 cheat on me, Like he knew that I would have 0:08:11.970 --> 0:08:14.690 continued with the relationship if he told me so. He didn't, 0:08:14.730 --> 0:08:16.330 and then he decided to buy a house with me 0:08:16.370 --> 0:08:19.130 and start this whole life with me without being honest 0:08:19.170 --> 0:08:23.730 about this very crucial part that I deserve to know. 0:08:24.290 --> 0:08:26.130 I just couldn't get my head around what he told 0:08:26.130 --> 0:08:28.250 me and how I was supposed to move forward that 0:08:28.290 --> 0:08:31.450 because I've always been so you know, if someone cheats 0:08:31.490 --> 0:08:34.370 on you, like that's it. I just don't have time 0:08:34.410 --> 0:08:37.050 for that stuff. And you know, I've been with like 0:08:37.210 --> 0:08:40.410 in past relationships where they've been unfaithful, and I felt 0:08:40.450 --> 0:08:42.930 like I'd learned a lot from those times and sort 0:08:43.010 --> 0:08:44.970 of like if something like that came up again, I 0:08:44.970 --> 0:08:48.570 wouldn't put up with that again. Here I was bought 0:08:48.610 --> 0:08:50.490 a house with this guy and he's just told me 0:08:50.530 --> 0:08:54.170 this exact thing. I think it was eating him up inside. 0:08:54.570 --> 0:08:57.010 I mean, we spoke about everything. I was so surprised 0:08:57.010 --> 0:09:00.930 that he kept this so so quiet. You know, we 0:09:00.970 --> 0:09:04.090 spoke about everything. We had great communication, and I think 0:09:04.290 --> 0:09:06.930 just how close we were. I think it was just 0:09:06.970 --> 0:09:09.330 eating him up inside. The gilt was getting to him. 0:09:09.370 --> 0:09:11.530 And I don't know why he decided to tell me 0:09:11.770 --> 0:09:16.650 that point, but he did so. After a couple of hours, 0:09:16.690 --> 0:09:19.130 I drove back to the house. He was waiting at 0:09:19.130 --> 0:09:21.970 the door. When I got home, I didn't speak to him. 0:09:22.250 --> 0:09:25.810 I just straightway went to bed. We didn't speak it 0:09:25.850 --> 0:09:28.490 all that night, made him sleep on the lounge that night, 0:09:29.450 --> 0:09:33.970 and that next morning we spoke about it briefly. I 0:09:34.010 --> 0:09:37.250 was still pretty hurt at that time, but basically he 0:09:37.370 --> 0:09:38.890 just kept telling me that he loved me and that 0:09:38.970 --> 0:09:41.410 he made a mistake. And you know that the reason 0:09:41.410 --> 0:09:43.250 that he told me was because he just couldn't keep 0:09:43.290 --> 0:09:45.490 it in any longer and felt like I had a 0:09:45.570 --> 0:09:48.930 right to know, so so he told me. I think 0:09:48.930 --> 0:09:50.730 it took me a couple of days just to sort 0:09:50.770 --> 0:09:52.850 of get my head around it and work out what 0:09:52.890 --> 0:09:56.330 I wanted to do going forward, because, like I mean, 0:09:56.410 --> 0:09:58.650 if we hadn't bought a house together, I wouldn't ditched 0:09:58.650 --> 0:10:01.290 it and run at that moment. But I felt like, 0:10:01.650 --> 0:10:04.210 you know, I'd moved an hour away from from my home, 0:10:04.690 --> 0:10:07.810 I'd gotten this new job, we bought a house. You know, 0:10:07.890 --> 0:10:11.370 We've got three beautiful dogs, and we started this life together. 0:10:11.410 --> 0:10:14.410 And it's not as easy as just leaving. So it 0:10:14.490 --> 0:10:17.250 was after a couple of days, he was sitting up 0:10:17.250 --> 0:10:19.730 in the garage just on a camping chair, just having 0:10:19.730 --> 0:10:22.290 a beer, and I sort of I pulled up a 0:10:22.370 --> 0:10:24.530 chair next to him. And this was the first time 0:10:24.530 --> 0:10:27.210 I'd sort of been really open to properly talking about it, 0:10:28.050 --> 0:10:31.010 and I sort of took the focus away from me, 0:10:31.370 --> 0:10:33.290 and I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted 0:10:33.290 --> 0:10:35.690 to know what it was like for him to keep 0:10:35.690 --> 0:10:39.690 that secret from me. I basically said that, listen, we've 0:10:39.690 --> 0:10:41.690 got this house together, we've got this whole life together. 0:10:42.050 --> 0:10:44.650 Who we were at seven months is completely different to 0:10:44.690 --> 0:10:47.330 who we are now. Just as long as going forward 0:10:47.530 --> 0:10:50.730 we're always open and we're honest, I can move past this. 0:10:51.410 --> 0:10:55.570 So we agreed that we moved past it, and that 0:10:55.730 --> 0:10:59.290 was it. You know, like it's still hurt, but I 0:10:59.370 --> 0:11:02.690 have a good ability to sort of let these things go, 0:11:03.050 --> 0:11:05.730 sort of heal, and I felt like I could move on, 0:11:06.250 --> 0:11:10.730 and I did. I felt that I still loved him 0:11:10.730 --> 0:11:14.490 the same, But it did, it did change things, at 0:11:14.570 --> 0:11:17.090 least in the interim. For me. I couldn't get it 0:11:17.130 --> 0:11:19.330 out of my head, just the thought of him being 0:11:19.330 --> 0:11:23.130 with somebody else, and especially when it had happened. He 0:11:23.210 --> 0:11:25.690 literally saw me that next day and I'd slept with 0:11:25.730 --> 0:11:28.850 him that next day, you know, and that just it 0:11:28.890 --> 0:11:31.010 makes me feel sick to think of those things. But 0:11:31.050 --> 0:11:32.890 I did feel that we were strong enough to be 0:11:32.890 --> 0:11:35.650 able to get through it, and I felt within myself, 0:11:35.690 --> 0:11:37.690 I felt that I was strong enough, and I felt 0:11:37.730 --> 0:11:40.250 like I'd made peace with it, you know, and we 0:11:40.690 --> 0:11:43.250 were good. It felt like we were sort of on 0:11:43.330 --> 0:11:47.410 track again, and he was loving on me and he 0:11:48.090 --> 0:11:53.650 was everything. And then he just changed. Something changed. He 0:11:53.970 --> 0:11:57.250 became distant. He started to become distant from me. I 0:11:57.370 --> 0:11:59.930 was not sure what was going on, because I mean, 0:12:00.530 --> 0:12:03.690 he's been pleading and telling me how much he loved 0:12:03.690 --> 0:12:05.810 me and how much a mistake he made and everything 0:12:05.850 --> 0:12:07.770 like that, and I wasn't sure why he pulled back 0:12:07.810 --> 0:12:12.250 so much, and then he just basically told me that 0:12:13.930 --> 0:12:17.610 he was struggling with the guilt of it all, and 0:12:18.210 --> 0:12:23.570 basically that he loved me, but he wasn't in love 0:12:23.570 --> 0:12:29.210 with me, and that completely destroyed me. I was like, so, 0:12:29.330 --> 0:12:33.050 I'm like bending over backwards trying to get over this thing, 0:12:33.730 --> 0:12:36.130 and what have I got to hang on to now? Like? 0:12:36.170 --> 0:12:38.490 What have I got to? I mean, you're not even 0:12:38.530 --> 0:12:41.130 in love with me anymore. Like it was just it 0:12:41.170 --> 0:12:45.330 was so brutal. And then he told me that he 0:12:45.410 --> 0:12:50.490 wasn't attracted to me and that he never really was. 0:12:50.570 --> 0:12:55.410 He just fell in love with my heart. That was horrendous. 0:12:55.450 --> 0:12:58.050 I mean, I feel like everything inside me just changed. 0:12:58.090 --> 0:13:01.170 My appearance in the mirror. Everything when I'd stand in 0:13:01.170 --> 0:13:03.250 front the mirror, it wasn't even me looking back anymore. 0:13:03.250 --> 0:13:06.650 I couldn't everything changed about me. I just I mean, 0:13:07.090 --> 0:13:10.010 you can be told by many people that you know 0:13:10.010 --> 0:13:13.050 you're attractive or whatever, but then that person that you're 0:13:13.050 --> 0:13:15.130 in love with, if he tells you that you're not, 0:13:16.050 --> 0:13:19.330 you believe it. So I did. That was so brutal. 0:13:19.450 --> 0:13:23.450 That was that desdrove me. I was obviously extremely hurt. 0:13:23.930 --> 0:13:26.330 I cried, I cried a lot, but I was also 0:13:26.370 --> 0:13:29.010 so confused. I couldn't understand where this was coming from. 0:13:29.090 --> 0:13:32.010 I mean, a week earlier, he was pleading with me 0:13:32.210 --> 0:13:35.410 to saying that how much he loved me and how 0:13:35.490 --> 0:13:38.810 much he regretted everything. In a couple of days, we 0:13:38.810 --> 0:13:42.290 were going away with his family. So we had decided 0:13:42.330 --> 0:13:44.810 that he was going to go on that family trip 0:13:44.850 --> 0:13:47.130 and I was going to stay home because he wasn't 0:13:47.130 --> 0:13:49.490 sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. This 0:13:49.610 --> 0:13:54.010 all happened within a week, So he went away with 0:13:54.050 --> 0:13:57.690 his family. I stayed home, and that was really hard. 0:13:57.890 --> 0:14:00.450 We didn't have any communication in that time, and the 0:14:00.490 --> 0:14:02.650 whole time I was just roodled with anxiety. I was like, 0:14:02.690 --> 0:14:04.770 you know, what's it going to be like when he 0:14:04.770 --> 0:14:06.450 gets back? Will he want to be with me? Will 0:14:06.490 --> 0:14:08.730 he will he want to leave me? Like? Where do 0:14:08.810 --> 0:14:12.690 I stand with this? He got back from his trip 0:14:12.970 --> 0:14:16.490 and basically he said that you know that he feels 0:14:16.490 --> 0:14:21.210 that he wants to work on things. And I was relieved, 0:14:21.810 --> 0:14:24.810 still very confused, but I think it's just been such 0:14:24.850 --> 0:14:26.810 a whirlwind of a week, you know, from being told 0:14:26.850 --> 0:14:28.770 that I've been cheated on and I just bought this 0:14:28.810 --> 0:14:30.810 house and all this stuff had been a lie to 0:14:31.130 --> 0:14:32.770 he's no longer in love with me, nor is he 0:14:32.810 --> 0:14:36.250 attracted to me to that now he wants to work 0:14:36.290 --> 0:14:39.850 on things, and I was relieved, and I was like, Okay, 0:14:39.930 --> 0:14:42.730 we can do this, you know, like maybe it was 0:14:42.770 --> 0:14:45.090 just the guilt of everything. Maybe it was just the 0:14:45.130 --> 0:14:46.930 fact that he'd been holding this big secret from me 0:14:47.010 --> 0:14:48.690 for so long, and we were so close. You know, 0:14:48.730 --> 0:14:52.650 we're best friends, and we've been best friends for two years, 0:14:52.690 --> 0:14:55.250 you know, like it was just I sort of was like, okay, 0:14:55.250 --> 0:14:58.490 I can kind of understand this. Okay, okay, like let's 0:14:58.490 --> 0:15:02.130 reset and let's try this again. I just wanted him 0:15:02.130 --> 0:15:05.970 to love me, and I think being cheated on and 0:15:06.050 --> 0:15:08.930 having that ripped away from me, having the relationship ripped 0:15:08.930 --> 0:15:11.330 away from me so quickly, and then being told that, 0:15:12.170 --> 0:15:15.570 instead of feeling like, you know, screw you, it felt 0:15:15.610 --> 0:15:17.130 like I just I just wanted him to love me, 0:15:17.170 --> 0:15:18.970 and I just didn't know why he didn't love me, 0:15:19.050 --> 0:15:22.530 and we'd been so close for so long, so I 0:15:22.650 --> 0:15:25.690 just almost felt desperate for him to love me. So 0:15:26.210 --> 0:15:29.130 I didn't look at it as in, you'd hurt me, 0:15:29.210 --> 0:15:31.050 you'd done this to me, like how dare you. I'm 0:15:31.090 --> 0:15:32.650 just I'm out of here sort of thing. Like, I 0:15:32.730 --> 0:15:35.450 just I was so focused on just getting us back, 0:15:35.690 --> 0:15:37.930 getting us back on track, and getting us back to 0:15:37.930 --> 0:15:40.410 where we were, because everything had just blown up in 0:15:40.450 --> 0:15:43.090 a second, you know, like it was just I did 0:15:43.170 --> 0:15:43.810 not see it coming. 0:15:45.090 --> 0:15:49.010 The relationship inevitably changed. While they acted on the surface 0:15:49.090 --> 0:15:52.370 like everything was okay, behind closed doors, it wasn't. 0:15:52.610 --> 0:15:57.010 We'd always had great intimacy, we were always very bonded 0:15:57.050 --> 0:15:59.490 in that way, very connected in that way. It was. 0:15:59.770 --> 0:16:01.890 It was great. There was never any sign there were 0:16:01.890 --> 0:16:05.050 never any signs that anything was wrong in that department 0:16:05.130 --> 0:16:08.330 at all. But the moment that he told me that 0:16:08.810 --> 0:16:13.730 he cheated on me, that's when its apart. We stopped 0:16:13.730 --> 0:16:16.330 being intimate. When he told me that he wasn't in 0:16:16.330 --> 0:16:17.930 love with me and that he wasn't attracted to me, 0:16:18.050 --> 0:16:19.970 that he never was in the first place. He'd also 0:16:20.010 --> 0:16:22.890 told me that he no longer wanted to sleep with 0:16:22.930 --> 0:16:27.330 me because he wasn't attracted to me, and so that 0:16:27.370 --> 0:16:31.690 fizzled very quickly. He started drinking copious amounts of alcohol. 0:16:32.010 --> 0:16:34.050 I mean I would get home of an evening and 0:16:34.050 --> 0:16:37.490 he'd already be into the beers. Sometimes it was a 0:16:37.530 --> 0:16:40.130 case of beer a night. He would tell me that 0:16:40.450 --> 0:16:43.330 it was from the guilt of everything that he'd done, 0:16:43.930 --> 0:16:46.050 that he just felt so bad about it and so 0:16:46.170 --> 0:16:48.930 bad about himself for what he'd done to me and 0:16:49.650 --> 0:16:52.690 everything like that. So it would almost make me feel 0:16:52.690 --> 0:16:57.650 guilty for well feeling bad about him cheating on me. 0:16:58.690 --> 0:17:02.050 So I just stopped. I felt like I had to 0:17:02.090 --> 0:17:04.450 move on because every time I couldn't, I couldn't draw 0:17:04.450 --> 0:17:08.050 attention to it, because every time that I would, he 0:17:08.050 --> 0:17:10.090 would just withdraw from me, because that's how he got 0:17:10.130 --> 0:17:12.330 when he drank. He would be arrogant, he'd be cold, 0:17:12.410 --> 0:17:16.610 he'd be mean, he'd be distant and on sianta. I 0:17:16.650 --> 0:17:18.530 just I just wanted him to love me again, and 0:17:19.450 --> 0:17:23.530 I just I wasn't able to speak about the cheating 0:17:23.930 --> 0:17:25.890 because he would just he pull away from me, and 0:17:25.970 --> 0:17:29.250 I didn't want that, so I just didn't. I kept 0:17:29.250 --> 0:17:32.490 it to myself, and I just thought that, you know, 0:17:32.650 --> 0:17:34.650 if we didn't bring it up and we just continued 0:17:34.650 --> 0:17:38.570 on as as normal, then then maybe everything would just 0:17:38.570 --> 0:17:40.570 balance back out and he would just because he hadn't 0:17:40.610 --> 0:17:44.130 he hadn't been drinking throughout the whole relationship, not like 0:17:44.210 --> 0:17:47.330 he was now, and he was just this completely different person. 0:17:47.930 --> 0:17:51.490 I look back now and I think, why wouldn't I 0:17:51.490 --> 0:17:53.170 have left? Why would I have not have just packed 0:17:53.170 --> 0:17:56.770 my bags and left? But at that time, I wanted 0:17:56.810 --> 0:17:59.610 us to get back on track because we've been best 0:17:59.610 --> 0:18:01.970 friends for two years, you know, and we'd have we 0:18:02.010 --> 0:18:04.010 had a house together, we had a whole life together, 0:18:04.890 --> 0:18:08.490 and obviously I was I was confused as to what 0:18:08.570 --> 0:18:11.210 was going on because we'd been so close for so long. 0:18:11.290 --> 0:18:13.330 So it was sort of like I knew that something 0:18:13.410 --> 0:18:16.050 was going on with him and that it was something 0:18:16.090 --> 0:18:18.370 more than what he was telling me, and I just 0:18:18.690 --> 0:18:20.330 I just needed to work it out, and I needed 0:18:20.370 --> 0:18:23.010 to to get us back to where we were because 0:18:23.050 --> 0:18:26.090 we were so good. So when he came back from 0:18:26.730 --> 0:18:29.610 his family getaway and he told me that he wanted 0:18:29.650 --> 0:18:32.530 to work on things, I was relieved and I was happy, 0:18:32.570 --> 0:18:36.050 and I was ready to resat with him and move forward. 0:18:36.970 --> 0:18:39.090 So once he told me that, I was kind of like, Okay, 0:18:39.170 --> 0:18:42.450 so it's something more than me and than us, and 0:18:42.490 --> 0:18:44.210 it's sort of just like it was starting to put 0:18:44.250 --> 0:18:46.410 pieces together. I'm like, Okay, this is something that we 0:18:46.810 --> 0:18:48.570 that we can move forward with we can work out 0:18:48.690 --> 0:18:52.330 it's you know, he's struggling mentally, Okay. I wanted to 0:18:52.370 --> 0:18:54.330 help him, so, you know, we had a lot of 0:18:54.330 --> 0:18:58.010 conversations about that, and you know, I did a lot 0:18:58.090 --> 0:19:01.610 of research and you know, I went to doctor's appointments 0:19:01.650 --> 0:19:06.930 with him. I was always there too. I was always 0:19:06.930 --> 0:19:11.610 talking about it. So when he went to the door 0:19:11.810 --> 0:19:15.530 as he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they gave 0:19:15.650 --> 0:19:20.250 him medication for that, some antidepressants for that. And at 0:19:20.250 --> 0:19:22.490 that point he was still very distant from me. We 0:19:22.490 --> 0:19:25.810 weren't really communicating much, we weren't intimate. He was still 0:19:25.890 --> 0:19:28.250 drinking a lot at that point. But he started on 0:19:28.250 --> 0:19:32.050 the antidepressants and probably about I don't know, two or 0:19:32.050 --> 0:19:36.210 three weeks later, things dramatically improved. It's like he did 0:19:36.210 --> 0:19:38.410 this whole one to eighty, you know, and he was 0:19:38.450 --> 0:19:40.770 back to the cam that I knew and loved. He 0:19:40.890 --> 0:19:43.690 was back to normal, and I was like, okay, so 0:19:43.970 --> 0:19:48.210 it was just depression and this medication is obviously helping, 0:19:48.290 --> 0:19:50.810 so okay, Like it just it gave me hope, you know, 0:19:50.930 --> 0:19:52.850 it gave us both hope. To be honest, it was 0:19:52.970 --> 0:19:55.610 just we were back on track. We were starting to 0:19:55.610 --> 0:19:59.010 be intimate again, we were communicating again. He told me 0:19:59.050 --> 0:20:01.050 that he'd fallen back in love with me, and he 0:20:01.090 --> 0:20:04.170 was like, I'm so sorry for everything that happens, you know, 0:20:04.290 --> 0:20:06.730 like that wouldn't ever happen again. I don't know what happened, 0:20:07.170 --> 0:20:09.410 but it felt good and we were back on track. 0:20:09.770 --> 0:20:12.810 Thank god. So that it's the end of the story then. 0:20:13.330 --> 0:20:18.930 But that lasted about a week. He decided that, you know, 0:20:19.010 --> 0:20:21.850 he's feeling good. He no longer needed the medication anymore. 0:20:22.450 --> 0:20:28.570 So he decided to stop. And literally the moment he did, 0:20:28.770 --> 0:20:31.770 everything just flipped on its head again, did another complete 0:20:31.770 --> 0:20:34.250 one eighty well, right back to square one. He told 0:20:34.250 --> 0:20:38.810 me that he didn't love me again. We weren't intimate anymore. 0:20:39.010 --> 0:20:43.370 He was just going back and forth, over and over again. 0:20:43.450 --> 0:20:46.690 He did this so many times. He would go back 0:20:46.730 --> 0:20:48.650 on his medication. He would go back off as soon 0:20:48.650 --> 0:20:50.490 as he started to feel good again. He felt like 0:20:50.530 --> 0:20:53.850 he was strong enough to stop. And honestly, this probably 0:20:53.890 --> 0:20:56.970 happened about ten fifteen times, honestly, just back and forth, 0:20:57.650 --> 0:20:59.730 and in that time, I was just losing my mind. 0:21:00.690 --> 0:21:02.330 I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how 0:21:02.370 --> 0:21:06.290 to help this guy. Initially, when he would go off 0:21:06.330 --> 0:21:08.450 the medication, I would just be looking forward to the 0:21:08.450 --> 0:21:10.410 next time that he got on that medication, because I 0:21:10.490 --> 0:21:12.450 just knew that when he would be on the medication, 0:21:12.610 --> 0:21:16.930 on the antidepressants, that he would come back. But as 0:21:17.010 --> 0:21:19.290 time went on and the more times he did it, 0:21:20.570 --> 0:21:23.530 he just he stopped coming back. He was just sort 0:21:23.530 --> 0:21:28.090 of just still wasn't in love with me, still didn't 0:21:28.170 --> 0:21:30.730 like me, still didn't want to be with me. He 0:21:30.770 --> 0:21:33.530 would become very mean. He'd say very mean things to me. 0:21:34.210 --> 0:21:36.050 That's a lot of the time when he would talk 0:21:36.050 --> 0:21:40.530 about the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, he 0:21:40.530 --> 0:21:44.330 would be basically yelling in my face that he didn't 0:21:44.330 --> 0:21:46.930 want to be with me. A lot of the time, 0:21:47.010 --> 0:21:51.530 when he would drink, he would threaten suicide. He would 0:21:51.530 --> 0:21:54.210 tell me how unhappy he was, how unhappy I made him, 0:21:54.210 --> 0:21:56.650 how unhappy he was with his life, how he should 0:21:56.690 --> 0:22:00.090 just end it all. There were many times that he 0:22:00.130 --> 0:22:02.930 would punch holes in the wall. He was forever just 0:22:02.970 --> 0:22:06.370 fixing up holes in the wall. Even broke his knuckles 0:22:06.410 --> 0:22:09.530 once from punching a hole in the wall. It was 0:22:09.610 --> 0:22:12.210 embarrassing to have people over because it's like, how do 0:22:12.210 --> 0:22:16.610 you explain these random holes in the walls, all these patches, 0:22:16.650 --> 0:22:18.130 you know, Like I felt like I couldn't even have 0:22:18.170 --> 0:22:20.490 my parents over because they'd noticed that stuff straight away. 0:22:20.970 --> 0:22:23.570 I just felt like every single day I didn't know 0:22:23.570 --> 0:22:26.130 what to expect. I mean, if he wasn't punching holes 0:22:26.170 --> 0:22:27.770 in the wall, he was yelling in my face, he 0:22:27.890 --> 0:22:31.650 was hurling Esk's across the room at me. So I 0:22:31.690 --> 0:22:34.850 sort of got to the point that I switched off. 0:22:34.970 --> 0:22:37.370 I still remember the moment that I felt all my 0:22:37.410 --> 0:22:40.330 emotions to switch off, like it'd been complete It'd been 0:22:40.370 --> 0:22:44.930 complete turmoil every single day because he was just in 0:22:44.970 --> 0:22:48.690 this constant cycle and he would be drinking so much, 0:22:48.730 --> 0:22:51.250 and every single day you just never knew what was 0:22:51.290 --> 0:22:53.650 going to happen. I just became a shell of a human. 0:22:54.130 --> 0:22:58.410 It's hard to even think what I was actually like 0:22:58.570 --> 0:23:01.610 at that time. I was just existing, really just making 0:23:01.650 --> 0:23:05.410 it through the next day and just hoping that, you know, 0:23:05.570 --> 0:23:07.890 tomorrow will be a better day. And sometimes it was, 0:23:08.490 --> 0:23:11.410 and other times it wasn't far. 0:23:11.330 --> 0:23:14.770 From Rebecca knew this wasn't the life she wanted, but 0:23:14.890 --> 0:23:16.290 she didn't know how to get out. 0:23:16.770 --> 0:23:22.690 I felt like I couldn't leave. Initially, it was you 0:23:22.730 --> 0:23:25.130 know that we can work on this and we can 0:23:25.170 --> 0:23:28.330 move forward, and you know, there was hope for us. 0:23:28.890 --> 0:23:30.650 But it got to the point that he'd just beaten 0:23:30.690 --> 0:23:34.890 me down so much. My self confidence was so low, 0:23:35.050 --> 0:23:39.570 I had gained so much weight. I felt horrible about myself. 0:23:40.210 --> 0:23:42.970 I just felt completely stuck in this cycle. And I 0:23:42.970 --> 0:23:45.930 felt like I was too weak. I couldn't I couldn't leave, 0:23:46.570 --> 0:23:48.930 and it just felt like even just the thought of leaving. 0:23:48.970 --> 0:23:51.570 I mean, of course I thought about it as anyone would, 0:23:53.050 --> 0:23:58.170 but the process of leaving just seemed way too hot. 0:23:58.490 --> 0:24:00.250 I was the shell of a human and I just 0:24:01.050 --> 0:24:03.250 I just put up with it. I just I just stayed. 0:24:03.690 --> 0:24:08.570 I stopped hoping that he would come back, and I 0:24:08.770 --> 0:24:12.050 just dealt with whatever came my way every single day, 0:24:12.370 --> 0:24:17.290 whether it was violent, whether it was verbal abuse, every like. 0:24:17.410 --> 0:24:20.090 I just I just never really knew what to expect. 0:24:20.090 --> 0:24:22.690 But I just ended up just dealing with it. And 0:24:23.130 --> 0:24:26.810 that was just my life. When we would get into 0:24:26.850 --> 0:24:30.330 our fights when he was drinking, he would become handsy 0:24:30.370 --> 0:24:35.890 with me. He never hit me, but he would become pushy, 0:24:36.210 --> 0:24:38.490 you know, shove me out of the way. There was 0:24:38.530 --> 0:24:43.210 one night where I was in the bedroom and he 0:24:43.250 --> 0:24:48.090 came up behind me and he wanted to have sex. 0:24:48.730 --> 0:24:51.090 I obviously did not want to. We just had a 0:24:51.130 --> 0:24:54.210 fight and he pushed me on the bed and tried 0:24:54.250 --> 0:24:57.290 to have his way with me. Was not successful. I 0:24:57.450 --> 0:25:00.810 was only twenty three, and I was thinking, this is 0:25:00.850 --> 0:25:02.690 my life, this is what my life looks like now, 0:25:02.730 --> 0:25:05.410 and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see 0:25:05.410 --> 0:25:07.010 that light at the end of the tunnel. I was 0:25:07.090 --> 0:25:12.410 just constantly caught in a spiral of course rap every 0:25:12.410 --> 0:25:16.130 single day, and this was just my life now. And 0:25:16.970 --> 0:25:20.290 no one really knew the extent of everything that was 0:25:20.330 --> 0:25:24.690 happening at home, because I feel like if I had told, say, 0:25:24.450 --> 0:25:27.530 my family, then for one, I was still trying to 0:25:27.530 --> 0:25:31.890 protect him. People knew that some things were going down, 0:25:31.930 --> 0:25:34.530 but I wasn't completely honest about everything that was going 0:25:34.570 --> 0:25:37.930 down because I I was protecting him, and honestly, I 0:25:37.970 --> 0:25:41.370 just couldn't. I couldn't deal with any added stress or pressure. 0:25:41.490 --> 0:25:45.650 So I just I kept myself. I shut off from 0:25:45.690 --> 0:25:49.730 the world and just dealt with the drunken cam every 0:25:49.770 --> 0:25:54.250 single night, and whatever happened just happened. It was his 0:25:54.330 --> 0:25:57.850 Dad's birthday and he gone out drinking. I stayed home 0:25:57.930 --> 0:25:59.970 because I just didn't feel like going out hadn't been 0:25:59.970 --> 0:26:02.250 the best time for me. He got home and I 0:26:02.330 --> 0:26:06.210 was out the back having a tea and a smoke, 0:26:06.770 --> 0:26:09.170 and he came out and he was drunk, and straight 0:26:09.170 --> 0:26:10.650 away I was just like, I'm not dealing with this, 0:26:11.770 --> 0:26:14.970 and so I went to bed, and probably a couple 0:26:15.050 --> 0:26:19.130 hours later, he came to bed as well. He'd been 0:26:19.170 --> 0:26:21.930 so drunk that night that the next morning his alarm 0:26:22.010 --> 0:26:24.530 was going off at quarter to six, and he always 0:26:24.530 --> 0:26:27.450 had his alarm set and I'd always be like nudging 0:26:27.490 --> 0:26:29.050 him to wake up and turn it off, because he 0:26:29.050 --> 0:26:31.650 always sucked at waking up to his alarm, But because 0:26:31.650 --> 0:26:35.410 he'd been so drunk that night before, he just didn't 0:26:35.450 --> 0:26:39.530 respond to me nudging him. So I grabbed the phone 0:26:39.610 --> 0:26:42.410 and turned off his alarm. And when I turned off 0:26:42.410 --> 0:26:45.170 his alarm, his whole entire screen was just full of 0:26:45.170 --> 0:26:48.570 Tinder notifications. I'm not much of a snoop. I have 0:26:48.650 --> 0:26:52.050 never been much of a snoop. But I looked, I 0:26:52.090 --> 0:26:55.450 absolutely did, and I saw absolutely everything that he'd been saying. 0:26:55.530 --> 0:26:58.010 I looked at every single message, and I realized that 0:26:58.090 --> 0:27:01.570 this had been going on for basically the whole relationship, 0:27:01.610 --> 0:27:05.810 the whole entire time he'd been doing this, My stomach 0:27:05.890 --> 0:27:09.650 absolutely dropped. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach to 0:27:09.810 --> 0:27:13.090 read everything that I was reading, to see the photos 0:27:13.290 --> 0:27:16.090 that he was sending, to see the videos that he 0:27:16.170 --> 0:27:19.090 was sending to and not just to one person, to 0:27:19.370 --> 0:27:23.010 multiple people. I just I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, like, 0:27:23.250 --> 0:27:26.010 who is this person? Who is this person that I'm 0:27:26.050 --> 0:27:29.370 living with? I just it was absolutely disgusting, And I mean, 0:27:29.490 --> 0:27:31.130 it makes sense as to why he was no longer 0:27:31.170 --> 0:27:34.370 intimate with me anymore, right, he was getting his fixed elsewhere. 0:27:34.930 --> 0:27:38.330 But it was really hard to see that there were 0:27:39.690 --> 0:27:45.250 lots of photos of him sending his penis to random people, 0:27:45.770 --> 0:27:50.090 videos of him doing that exact thing. I was also 0:27:50.250 --> 0:27:54.290 could see videos of girls sending him things even if 0:27:54.290 --> 0:27:56.650 they didn't respond, sort of thing. If some people didn't respond, 0:27:56.650 --> 0:27:58.890 like he was just on it, like he was just like, 0:27:59.050 --> 0:28:02.890 you know, you're so hot, you're beautiful, like I want 0:28:02.930 --> 0:28:04.530 to get to know you, all this stuff, and if 0:28:04.530 --> 0:28:06.730 they didn't respond, like he was just one after the other, 0:28:06.810 --> 0:28:08.930 just sending more and more messages. And I was just like, 0:28:09.410 --> 0:28:13.250 this is absolutely revolting. I was angry, I was hurt, 0:28:13.290 --> 0:28:17.610 but I was just also just disgusted because who is 0:28:17.770 --> 0:28:20.810 this person. I went to the gym twice that morning, 0:28:20.890 --> 0:28:22.890 just trying to clear my head once again, like okay, 0:28:22.970 --> 0:28:25.970 so now this is an added thing to this whole thing, 0:28:26.290 --> 0:28:29.610 is the fact that he's being completely unfaithful and god 0:28:29.650 --> 0:28:33.850 knows what else. And I got back around quarter to 0:28:34.090 --> 0:28:36.850 twelve and he was still in bed at that time. 0:28:37.330 --> 0:28:40.090 When he got up, I asked to see his phone. 0:28:40.610 --> 0:28:43.050 He was a bit appressive about that to begin with, 0:28:43.170 --> 0:28:46.410 but I demanded to see his phone. And when I 0:28:46.410 --> 0:28:49.890 looked to his phone again that whole time, that whole morning, 0:28:50.570 --> 0:28:54.450 he had been talking to more people. He did not stop. 0:28:54.490 --> 0:28:58.210 He did not stop. I was absolutely furious. I dropped 0:28:58.210 --> 0:28:59.730 his phone to the ground and I stumped on it 0:28:59.730 --> 0:29:03.850 and I smashed his screen, and I was just just 0:29:03.890 --> 0:29:06.970 out of my mind. I just couldn't believe everything. From 0:29:07.010 --> 0:29:11.570 going from such a strong close relationship where everything was perfect, 0:29:11.850 --> 0:29:16.050 everything blowing up and he's now a drunk and he's violent, 0:29:16.130 --> 0:29:19.570 and he's cheating on me every single day, and he 0:29:19.850 --> 0:29:23.570 is just saying horrendous things to me. He is beating 0:29:23.610 --> 0:29:27.330 me down every single day, and just to see that 0:29:27.410 --> 0:29:29.490 he'd been speaking to all of these girls on top 0:29:29.570 --> 0:29:32.290 of it. But I was just I was absolutely furious. 0:29:34.010 --> 0:29:37.330 Cam apologized and promised he'd never do it again. He 0:29:37.370 --> 0:29:39.850 gave Rebecca his passwords and said she could check his 0:29:39.890 --> 0:29:43.530 phone whenever she wanted, and she did, and guess what 0:29:43.650 --> 0:29:44.170 she found. 0:29:44.810 --> 0:29:48.690 It was just the same thing every single day. As 0:29:48.690 --> 0:29:51.170 I said, I wasn't ever much of a snoop, but 0:29:51.250 --> 0:29:53.890 I had to be or he would just constantly try 0:29:53.890 --> 0:29:55.930 and pull the wool over my eyes. But it got 0:29:55.970 --> 0:29:58.610 to the point but I would find something every single time. 0:29:58.650 --> 0:30:00.170 It got to the point that I just stopped looking 0:30:00.210 --> 0:30:02.930 because what's the point. You know, I knew what he 0:30:02.970 --> 0:30:05.810 was up to. But at that point I was still 0:30:07.010 --> 0:30:11.610 so beaten down and broken over over everything, more so 0:30:11.650 --> 0:30:14.810 so my self confidence, my self confidence. I mean I 0:30:15.130 --> 0:30:18.530 gained thirty kilos at that point. I was no longer myself. 0:30:18.930 --> 0:30:22.890 But I had started pondering leaving at that point, because 0:30:23.690 --> 0:30:25.410 you kind of get to a point and you're just 0:30:25.450 --> 0:30:28.290 like what am I doing? Like where is this going? 0:30:28.330 --> 0:30:30.690 Like I can't keep living like this? And I mean 0:30:30.770 --> 0:30:34.730 it'd been years, been years of this, Like, I knew 0:30:34.770 --> 0:30:36.610 what I had to do, but trying to find that 0:30:36.690 --> 0:30:40.130 strength to actually do it was a completely different ballgame, 0:30:40.410 --> 0:30:42.570 especially when you're so beaten down and you just don't 0:30:42.570 --> 0:30:45.250 have that energy and you just feel horrible about yourself 0:30:45.290 --> 0:30:49.530 every day. It's just it's too hard, you know. But 0:30:49.570 --> 0:30:53.570 by that stage, I was thinking of what I needed 0:30:53.570 --> 0:30:55.490 to do next, and I was sort of just pondering, 0:30:55.970 --> 0:30:58.050 pondering where I would go, what I would do. 0:30:58.890 --> 0:31:01.770 So at one point Rebecca took matters of self confidence, 0:31:01.810 --> 0:31:04.570 of wanting and the desire to be seen and respected 0:31:05.010 --> 0:31:06.370 into her own hands. 0:31:06.730 --> 0:31:09.770 In that time, I'd started going to the gym, and 0:31:10.770 --> 0:31:15.490 I was feeling a bit better about myself, and with 0:31:15.610 --> 0:31:18.250 everything that he was doing, all the cheating, all the 0:31:18.930 --> 0:31:22.530 constant crap he was doing, I started to look elsewhere 0:31:22.530 --> 0:31:26.130 as well. One night, an old flame reached out to 0:31:26.170 --> 0:31:29.370 me and I ended up just leaving in the middle 0:31:29.370 --> 0:31:32.410 of the night and met up with this person and 0:31:32.450 --> 0:31:36.250 we were intimate, And that was the one time I'd 0:31:36.290 --> 0:31:41.170 done anything like that. I wanted to feel attention, I 0:31:41.250 --> 0:31:46.690 wanted to feel wanted, and I did. I think that 0:31:46.810 --> 0:31:49.490 was sort of like the first time that i'd sort 0:31:49.490 --> 0:31:56.010 of really opened up to maybe going elsewhere, and I 0:31:56.050 --> 0:31:58.890 did feel wanted at that point, and it felt nice, 0:31:58.970 --> 0:32:01.770 and not only that I got to talk about everything 0:32:01.810 --> 0:32:05.130 that was going on as well, and it was just 0:32:06.370 --> 0:32:08.610 it was what I needed at that point. I think 0:32:08.690 --> 0:32:11.010 that was one of definitely the bigger turning points where 0:32:11.010 --> 0:32:14.250 I realized that I am more than more than what 0:32:14.330 --> 0:32:17.130 I thought that I was, and that there needs to 0:32:17.170 --> 0:32:20.530 be a change. When I got home, he woke up 0:32:20.570 --> 0:32:23.570 as I was coming back to bed and he was like, 0:32:23.770 --> 0:32:26.890 what did you do? And to be honest, I was 0:32:26.970 --> 0:32:29.850 upfront about it straight away because I kind of also 0:32:29.890 --> 0:32:32.890 wanted to hurt him as well after everything that he'd done. 0:32:32.930 --> 0:32:35.650 I wanted to stick it to him in that way, 0:32:36.170 --> 0:32:37.970 and I was upfront about it, and I just said that, 0:32:38.170 --> 0:32:42.450 you know, I went for a drive with an old 0:32:42.490 --> 0:32:46.410 flame and we had sex, and I was kind of like, 0:32:46.810 --> 0:32:49.570 it is what it is. And but if I knew 0:32:49.610 --> 0:32:51.490 what came from that, you know, the way that he 0:32:51.570 --> 0:32:53.730 blow up, the way that he would hold it against me, 0:32:54.490 --> 0:32:57.050 and the way that he would tell everyone everything like 0:32:57.410 --> 0:32:59.410 what I'd done and acting like I'm just like the 0:32:59.490 --> 0:33:03.090 villain in this, I wouldn't have gone with that approach, 0:33:04.010 --> 0:33:08.050 but I did. At that point, I was so I 0:33:08.090 --> 0:33:12.050 was getting so over everything. I wasn't scared. I kind 0:33:12.050 --> 0:33:14.930 of felt it was honestly a little bit satisfying at 0:33:14.930 --> 0:33:17.930 that point because the amount of turmoil and the amount 0:33:17.930 --> 0:33:20.090 of hurt that I'd felt, I was kind of like, 0:33:20.130 --> 0:33:21.930 suck shit, you know, like this is what you get. 0:33:23.130 --> 0:33:25.050 It felt good that somebody else wanted me, and it 0:33:25.050 --> 0:33:27.330 felt good that I was able to tell him that 0:33:27.370 --> 0:33:28.090 somebody else did. 0:33:28.090 --> 0:33:31.490 To be honest, Cam punished her for this verbally and 0:33:31.530 --> 0:33:35.650 emotionally almost every day in any way he could. Then 0:33:35.730 --> 0:33:37.610 it all came to a head one night when they 0:33:37.650 --> 0:33:40.810 were out with friends and things escalated to a point 0:33:40.890 --> 0:33:42.170 Rebecca never imagined. 0:33:42.770 --> 0:33:45.410 He was sitting next to me and his phone lit up, 0:33:45.530 --> 0:33:48.290 and it was a girl that he had spoken to 0:33:48.450 --> 0:33:50.570 earlier on in the relationship, one of those ones that 0:33:51.410 --> 0:33:55.570 you just know straightaway that they're someone you know, even 0:33:55.650 --> 0:33:58.210 though he's like, no, no, it's nothing, it's nothing like, 0:33:58.370 --> 0:34:01.530 as a woman, we just know these things. She popped 0:34:01.610 --> 0:34:05.490 up and he'd been deleting her messages, and basically because 0:34:05.530 --> 0:34:08.170 he'd been drinking. As soon as I saw the message, 0:34:08.170 --> 0:34:09.370 I just looked at him, and I was like, are 0:34:09.370 --> 0:34:11.890 you kidding me? And he just blew up and he 0:34:11.930 --> 0:34:15.010 was just like, I did nothing wrong. You know, you're 0:34:15.050 --> 0:34:18.610 just being sensitive, You're being dramatic. I did nothing wrong, 0:34:18.610 --> 0:34:20.250 blah blah blah. And I was just like I'm not 0:34:20.330 --> 0:34:22.970 doing this here, like there are people around. I'm like, 0:34:23.010 --> 0:34:25.570 I'm not doing this here, Like let's go home, And 0:34:25.650 --> 0:34:29.450 so we decided to leave. On the way back to 0:34:29.890 --> 0:34:34.410 driving home, he was basically yelling at me and he 0:34:34.490 --> 0:34:39.250 drove to the lake and he literally drove straight into 0:34:39.290 --> 0:34:43.730 the car park and he mounted just like accelerated into 0:34:43.770 --> 0:34:46.770 the gutter of the car park. I like smacked his chest. 0:34:46.890 --> 0:34:48.610 I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know if 0:34:48.610 --> 0:34:50.130 he was going to keep driving. I didn't know what 0:34:50.210 --> 0:34:52.090 was going on. But I like slammed my fist onto 0:34:52.130 --> 0:34:53.610 his chest sort of thing, and it made him like 0:34:53.610 --> 0:34:56.290 stop the car. He got out in this like fit 0:34:56.330 --> 0:35:02.130 of rage, and he threw my keys like really far. 0:35:03.130 --> 0:35:07.130 I quickly hopped over to the driver's side and I 0:35:07.170 --> 0:35:09.850 locked the doors, and he was at the window and 0:35:09.890 --> 0:35:11.450 he was like banging on the window and he was 0:35:11.490 --> 0:35:13.970 just like open, open the doors, Open the doors. I 0:35:14.010 --> 0:35:17.170 was like no, and he was just escalating, was escalating, 0:35:17.210 --> 0:35:18.930 and then he went to go find way through the 0:35:19.010 --> 0:35:21.410 keys and he eventually found them, and he kept unlocking 0:35:21.410 --> 0:35:24.010 the car and I kept locking the door again, and 0:35:24.330 --> 0:35:27.490 this was going back and forth, and I knew at 0:35:27.570 --> 0:35:30.330 one point that he was going to unlock it and 0:35:30.370 --> 0:35:33.410 open the door, and that last time that he did 0:35:33.490 --> 0:35:35.970 unlock it, he opened the door and I just like 0:35:36.010 --> 0:35:37.690 threw myself out of the car and like pushed him 0:35:37.690 --> 0:35:39.610 out of the way before anything happened sort of thing. 0:35:39.690 --> 0:35:42.370 He was so angry and so like I pushed him 0:35:42.370 --> 0:35:47.210 out of the way and basically he just started yelling 0:35:47.250 --> 0:35:49.690 at me, and he was like, fuck this. I'm walking 0:35:49.730 --> 0:35:51.930 home and he just started yelling at me and he 0:35:52.010 --> 0:35:55.410 was saying, you over dramatic. Fuck I did nothing wrong. 0:35:56.050 --> 0:35:57.770 Then he was like yelling at It was like it 0:35:57.890 --> 0:36:00.770 was like one am or two am, and he was 0:36:00.850 --> 0:36:03.490 just like, you know, call the police, call your dad, 0:36:03.490 --> 0:36:06.850 tell him I beach you. But the cops aren't the 0:36:06.890 --> 0:36:09.890 ones you're gonna need. It's gonna be the ambulance because 0:36:09.890 --> 0:36:13.210 I'm gonna go fucking neck myself. And basically he just 0:36:13.250 --> 0:36:17.010 like stormed off with the keys. So I called the 0:36:17.050 --> 0:36:19.290 family friend, and I was just in like a panic, 0:36:19.370 --> 0:36:21.650 and I was just like, you know, can you come 0:36:21.650 --> 0:36:25.370 pick me up. Cam's gone home and he's going to 0:36:25.450 --> 0:36:28.450 do something. And so the family friend came and picked 0:36:28.450 --> 0:36:31.610 me up and we drove back to the house. I 0:36:31.610 --> 0:36:33.330 got out of the car and I ran up the driveway. 0:36:34.130 --> 0:36:36.650 I couldn't lift myself up, but I jumped up and 0:36:36.690 --> 0:36:39.130 I could see that the garage light because up the 0:36:39.250 --> 0:36:41.490 driveway was the garage, and I could see over the 0:36:41.490 --> 0:36:43.930 fence that the garage light was on, but the roller 0:36:43.930 --> 0:36:47.530 door was closed, and I signaled for my family friend 0:36:47.530 --> 0:36:49.730 to lift me up so I could jump over the fence, 0:36:49.850 --> 0:36:54.490 and he did. He helped me up, and I leapt 0:36:54.490 --> 0:36:58.730 over the fence and running up that driveway, I didn't 0:36:58.810 --> 0:37:00.930 know what I was going to find. So many things 0:37:00.930 --> 0:37:05.330 just flashed through my mind. And I opened the roller 0:37:05.370 --> 0:37:09.410 door and he was on the ground, crying, with a 0:37:09.450 --> 0:37:15.250 noose around his neck, and he was just bawling his 0:37:15.330 --> 0:37:19.650 eyes out, and at that point I'd already called the ambulance. 0:37:19.730 --> 0:37:23.650 So the ambulance and the police arrived. They ended up 0:37:23.690 --> 0:37:26.290 taking him back to the hospital. I didn't speak to 0:37:26.970 --> 0:37:29.850 the paramedics, but I spoke with the police. They were 0:37:29.930 --> 0:37:32.970 interested to hear my side of the story as to 0:37:33.010 --> 0:37:35.450 what's happened sort of thing and what went on. I 0:37:35.490 --> 0:37:38.810 told them everything, and they asked if I wanted to 0:37:38.930 --> 0:37:41.850 press charges, and I said no because they said that 0:37:41.890 --> 0:37:44.970 it was domestic violence, and I said no, I wasn't 0:37:45.010 --> 0:37:48.250 going to And basically they said that they put a 0:37:48.290 --> 0:37:50.850 mark against his name just in case in the future 0:37:50.850 --> 0:37:56.210 if I wanted to report anything. But that was that. Really, 0:37:57.210 --> 0:38:01.090 After that night, it changed a lot for me. I mean, 0:38:02.210 --> 0:38:04.490 I felt so many different things. I mean, I felt 0:38:04.570 --> 0:38:09.210 more inclined to stay because I felt like I couldn't leave. 0:38:09.730 --> 0:38:11.410 I was scared of what he would do, and I 0:38:11.770 --> 0:38:13.930 last thing that I needed and wanted that point was 0:38:14.010 --> 0:38:18.850 to be responsible for something like that. But then also 0:38:18.890 --> 0:38:22.210 at the same time, I mean, I was so over 0:38:22.290 --> 0:38:23.970 it at that point, there was so like it was 0:38:24.050 --> 0:38:26.450 just I was so numb to it. But then I 0:38:26.450 --> 0:38:28.250 also cared. At the same point, I felt like I 0:38:28.250 --> 0:38:30.810 couldn't leave. Then it made me want to leave even more. 0:38:31.490 --> 0:38:33.850 I didn't know where to go. I didn't I didn't 0:38:33.890 --> 0:38:37.770 know what to do. At that point. This rollercoaster and 0:38:37.850 --> 0:38:41.090 this numbness went on for years. This was just my 0:38:41.170 --> 0:38:47.930 life every single day. And as time progressed, we started 0:38:48.130 --> 0:38:54.250 both getting into drugs. It started with just weed every 0:38:54.330 --> 0:38:58.210 night sort of thing, and then it led onto cocaine. 0:38:58.810 --> 0:39:01.170 But I felt like in those times we had the 0:39:01.250 --> 0:39:03.610 more real conversations when we'd be on it, so it 0:39:03.650 --> 0:39:06.450 was more of like it was a way to communicate, 0:39:06.490 --> 0:39:08.290 really a way to break through, because we just weren't 0:39:08.330 --> 0:39:12.930 communicating anymore, and when we were on those substances, we 0:39:12.970 --> 0:39:16.490 actually we actually had real conversations. And it was at 0:39:16.530 --> 0:39:21.370 that point one night we had done the drugs that 0:39:23.250 --> 0:39:26.530 we were in bed and I was just looking at 0:39:26.570 --> 0:39:29.570 him and I just I saw his whole face just change. 0:39:30.410 --> 0:39:32.250 And at that moment, like I just felt like with 0:39:32.330 --> 0:39:34.530 everything that was going on and how how close and 0:39:34.570 --> 0:39:36.970 solid we were for so long, Like I just I'd 0:39:36.970 --> 0:39:39.490 done so much research and so much like looking into 0:39:39.530 --> 0:39:41.490 everything and just trying to work out where did this 0:39:41.570 --> 0:39:43.930 go wrong? What is happening? Why are we doing constant 0:39:43.930 --> 0:39:46.490 one eighties? Why are we always going back and forth? 0:39:47.090 --> 0:39:49.130 And that night I just looked at him and his 0:39:49.250 --> 0:39:52.330 face completely just changed, and I just it's like I 0:39:52.370 --> 0:39:57.250 just saw it, and I was like, Camp, are you gay, 0:39:57.730 --> 0:40:00.330 and he just like he broke down and he was 0:40:00.450 --> 0:40:04.890 just like, I don't know. It was just like all 0:40:04.890 --> 0:40:07.530 the pieces just fit. It was like that missing puzzle 0:40:07.530 --> 0:40:09.650 piece that I was trying to search for for so 0:40:09.730 --> 0:40:13.690 many years, and it just I found it. You know. 0:40:13.890 --> 0:40:15.610 It all made sense as to why he'd been so 0:40:15.690 --> 0:40:18.610 unhappy and why he was drinking so much, and why 0:40:19.090 --> 0:40:22.370 he was saying that he wasn't attracted to me. And 0:40:22.690 --> 0:40:25.050 I mean, I wish that he'd been honest about it, 0:40:25.050 --> 0:40:27.770 but I also understood as to you know, that was 0:40:27.810 --> 0:40:29.210 hard for him to say that. It was hard for 0:40:29.250 --> 0:40:31.690 him to admit that. So I was able to find 0:40:31.730 --> 0:40:34.290 that place where I was like, Okay, it's been an 0:40:34.290 --> 0:40:38.210 absolute rollercoaster, but like I hear you and I see you. 0:40:38.570 --> 0:40:41.010 I'd already given up hope with our relationship. Our relationship 0:40:41.090 --> 0:40:43.690 was it was south. I thought maybe if he just 0:40:43.730 --> 0:40:46.250 at least hang on to a friendship, if I could 0:40:46.250 --> 0:40:48.930 at least still be me and be supportive and because 0:40:48.970 --> 0:40:50.210 I mean, that's who I am at the end of 0:40:50.250 --> 0:40:52.770 the day, and I could empathize. You know, maybe he's 0:40:52.810 --> 0:40:56.210 just been keeping this massive secret, you know, of his sexuality, 0:40:56.290 --> 0:40:59.370 and maybe that's why everything blew up, and I could 0:40:59.450 --> 0:41:01.330 understand that, you know, and it's like, if I had 0:41:01.370 --> 0:41:04.370 to be that person that was essentially the punching bag 0:41:04.410 --> 0:41:08.450 for it, then then okay, like I made peace with it. 0:41:08.610 --> 0:41:12.170 This is never something that I had considered before. After 0:41:12.210 --> 0:41:14.850 he told me, it was like this weight had been 0:41:14.850 --> 0:41:17.610 lifted off his shoulders, you know, like things actually improved 0:41:18.090 --> 0:41:21.690 by me being that supportive well friend at that time, 0:41:22.090 --> 0:41:24.570 things improved. His mental health seemed to improve, you know, 0:41:24.730 --> 0:41:28.490 like the drinking decreased. You know, we weren't doing the 0:41:28.570 --> 0:41:32.330 drugs anymore. He was being very open with me, very 0:41:32.450 --> 0:41:35.130 very open with me, more than I'd ever want to 0:41:35.170 --> 0:41:38.570 know or hear or see. But I still had to 0:41:38.570 --> 0:41:42.650 take that approach of being supportive, so I didn't say anything, 0:41:42.650 --> 0:41:44.370 and I just I was thankful for the fact that 0:41:44.370 --> 0:41:46.290 he was being honest with me and open with me. 0:41:46.450 --> 0:41:49.210 So that was something that we hadn't had for a 0:41:49.250 --> 0:41:53.170 really long time. It helped me in the sense of 0:41:53.530 --> 0:41:56.770 realizing that it was never me and it was really 0:41:56.850 --> 0:41:59.170 that closure that I needed in order for me to 0:41:59.290 --> 0:42:01.970 move forward with my life and really make some real 0:42:02.730 --> 0:42:04.570 gain plan as to how I was going to move forward. 0:42:05.210 --> 0:42:08.570 But yeah, what do you do with something like that, 0:42:08.610 --> 0:42:11.050 you know, the person that you thought was a love 0:42:11.090 --> 0:42:15.330 of your life out to be gay. After that, I 0:42:15.370 --> 0:42:18.010 really started to put things in place as to you know, 0:42:18.090 --> 0:42:20.130 searching for a house, and we were really having those 0:42:20.170 --> 0:42:24.730 conversations of me moving out or we went back and forth. 0:42:24.770 --> 0:42:25.890 He was going to move out, then I was going 0:42:25.970 --> 0:42:28.530 to move out. So we were sort of going through 0:42:28.530 --> 0:42:33.770 that whole process. But during that process a spanner was 0:42:33.770 --> 0:42:36.690 thrown into the works. I found out that I was pregnant. 0:42:39.010 --> 0:42:42.330 I remember just when I took that pregnancy test. I 0:42:42.370 --> 0:42:46.050 remember just screaming because I was I can't deal with 0:42:46.090 --> 0:42:49.730 this right now. I can't. There was a point in 0:42:49.770 --> 0:42:52.370 our relationship earlier on where we were actually trying for 0:42:52.450 --> 0:42:54.770 a baby, which was when things were still going well 0:42:54.810 --> 0:42:56.970 and we were trying for a baby and it just 0:42:57.050 --> 0:42:59.090 wasn't happening, and I went to the doctors and it 0:42:59.130 --> 0:43:02.970 was just there was something like unexplained infertility. You know, 0:43:03.210 --> 0:43:05.610 I'd had tests done and I just wasn't ovulating, and 0:43:06.050 --> 0:43:08.050 so there were all these things that we were trying, 0:43:08.090 --> 0:43:12.490 it just wasn't happening, and I was pregnant, and after 0:43:12.610 --> 0:43:15.650 three years it had happened and it would just had 0:43:15.650 --> 0:43:20.130 come at the complete wrong time. So the way that 0:43:20.170 --> 0:43:24.210 I told him, he got home from work and I 0:43:24.250 --> 0:43:26.570 had already sort of had my breakdown moment, freak out 0:43:26.610 --> 0:43:28.570 moment about it, and I decided I wanted to keep 0:43:28.570 --> 0:43:30.810 the baby. I mean, I'd wanted a baby for years, 0:43:31.610 --> 0:43:34.130 So I decided to keep the baby. And when he 0:43:34.170 --> 0:43:39.050 got home from work, I had my bluetooth speaker and 0:43:39.130 --> 0:43:43.210 I played that songly you have My Baby what one 0:43:43.250 --> 0:43:46.090 of those things, and he was like just sort of 0:43:46.090 --> 0:43:48.410 like listening, and he was just like wait, what And 0:43:48.610 --> 0:43:53.170 I was like, yeah, I'm pregnant, and because at that point, 0:43:53.250 --> 0:43:56.450 like I mean, yeah, the whole sexuality thing had come out. 0:43:56.890 --> 0:43:59.330 But I felt like, okay, like maybe we could do 0:43:59.410 --> 0:44:03.410 this and not be like together together, not in that way, 0:44:03.490 --> 0:44:05.290 like I felt like we were a lot better. And 0:44:06.490 --> 0:44:08.610 initially he was like, okay, you know, like we can 0:44:08.650 --> 0:44:11.650 do this, and he felt like okay, Like it just 0:44:11.770 --> 0:44:14.010 he gave him even more of a push to get 0:44:14.050 --> 0:44:16.090 his life back on track and everything, because you know, 0:44:16.090 --> 0:44:18.050 he was going to be a father and we were 0:44:18.090 --> 0:44:21.530 just talking about that we could do this, like not together, 0:44:21.810 --> 0:44:23.690 but we could both be in the child's life. I 0:44:23.690 --> 0:44:27.490 mean like we could be great parents without actually being together. 0:44:28.610 --> 0:44:31.930 And that lasted I think a whole six hours. He 0:44:32.370 --> 0:44:37.090 flipped script and basically was like, you know, we can't 0:44:37.130 --> 0:44:41.650 do this, and he pushed me towards terminating the pregnancy, 0:44:42.770 --> 0:44:45.090 and I went back and forth on that many times. 0:44:45.730 --> 0:44:49.770 I that was a really hard time. I felt like 0:44:49.890 --> 0:44:53.450 mentally I wasn't ready to do this on my own 0:44:53.530 --> 0:44:56.730 because I felt like what he was saying that basically 0:44:56.770 --> 0:44:58.610 like I would be on my own with this, and 0:44:58.690 --> 0:45:01.610 I was not strong enough to do this on my own. 0:45:02.410 --> 0:45:05.690 Weeks went by and I just went back and forth 0:45:05.770 --> 0:45:09.890 and what to do, what to do, and I decided 0:45:09.930 --> 0:45:16.650 to terminate the pregnancy, and I was absolutely just draught 0:45:17.090 --> 0:45:21.210 out of everything that had happened in the relationship. That 0:45:21.450 --> 0:45:24.890 was the biggest thing. And it still stays with me 0:45:24.930 --> 0:45:29.170 today because I mean, for the first time, even though 0:45:29.170 --> 0:45:30.930 I felt that I wasn't ready to be a mother 0:45:30.970 --> 0:45:33.170 at that point, for the first time, I felt like 0:45:33.210 --> 0:45:35.210 I wasn't alone because everything that had been going on 0:45:35.250 --> 0:45:37.250 in the relationship, I kept it to myself, no one 0:45:37.330 --> 0:45:39.890 really knew anything, and it felt like for the first 0:45:39.930 --> 0:45:42.890 time I wasn't alone, and I would lay in bed 0:45:42.930 --> 0:45:44.970 and I'd be just like put my hand on my stomach, 0:45:45.090 --> 0:45:48.930 just like talking. That was my baby, you know. After that, 0:45:49.450 --> 0:45:52.530 I felt there was just a massive turning point. I 0:45:52.530 --> 0:45:56.650 couldn't forgive him anymore. I was done. I was so done. 0:45:56.850 --> 0:46:00.650 I mean, this man had cheated on me, He'd been violent, 0:46:00.690 --> 0:46:03.570 he'd been a drunk, he had said horrendous things to me. 0:46:04.410 --> 0:46:07.130 I had changed so much about myself. I had just 0:46:07.730 --> 0:46:10.650 bent over backwards, and I had just put up with 0:46:10.850 --> 0:46:14.330 so much stuff, constant cheating, the constant agony, the constant 0:46:14.370 --> 0:46:17.650 roller coaster. I was thirty kilos heavier, I was losing. 0:46:17.690 --> 0:46:22.370 I was just completely lost myself. I realized that I 0:46:22.410 --> 0:46:26.730 can't keep doing this. I'm constantly stuck in this constant 0:46:27.010 --> 0:46:31.450 cycle that I can't get out of. And like, I'm done. 0:46:31.450 --> 0:46:33.770 I can't keep doing this. I need to move on 0:46:33.850 --> 0:46:35.490 with my life. For as long as he's in my life. 0:46:35.530 --> 0:46:37.450 I can't move on. For as long as I keep 0:46:37.450 --> 0:46:40.050 doing this, I'm never gonna heal for as long as 0:46:40.250 --> 0:46:43.530 you know, I keep getting caught in this, like, like, 0:46:43.570 --> 0:46:47.490 where is my life going? So I decided to sell 0:46:47.530 --> 0:46:52.130 my house and I moved back home. I realized just 0:46:52.610 --> 0:46:54.650 how I was just staying in this space that was 0:46:54.690 --> 0:46:57.930 just holding me back, and so that that decision to 0:46:58.010 --> 0:47:02.010 move back home, back to where I grew up was 0:47:02.050 --> 0:47:05.090 actually easy. I was just in go mode. I I 0:47:05.130 --> 0:47:08.130 just packed all my stuff, I got my house on 0:47:08.170 --> 0:47:10.770 the market, I sold my house, and I just I 0:47:10.850 --> 0:47:15.810 just left and that was it. It was hard. I 0:47:15.850 --> 0:47:19.410 think my life had been so chaotic. There'd been so 0:47:19.530 --> 0:47:23.290 much going on for so many years, like moving out 0:47:23.330 --> 0:47:26.130 and just being in silence and just living alone. It 0:47:26.210 --> 0:47:28.890 was hard, but it was all that we knew. We 0:47:28.930 --> 0:47:31.570 knew like just each other, and we'd just been through 0:47:31.610 --> 0:47:33.810 so much together and it had just been such turmoil. 0:47:34.370 --> 0:47:38.050 He was he was battling something bigger than this, you know. 0:47:38.250 --> 0:47:40.410 I still to this day will not say that that 0:47:40.450 --> 0:47:43.850 he's a bad person. He's not tortured soul. Maybe the 0:47:43.930 --> 0:47:48.570 last time I spoke to Cam was probably about six 0:47:48.610 --> 0:47:52.170 seven months ago. He checked in just sort of message 0:47:52.210 --> 0:47:55.370 and we had a FaceTime just a couple just to 0:47:55.410 --> 0:47:57.050 sort of like check in and see like how we're 0:47:57.090 --> 0:48:00.290 going and stuff. Because like, even though I know telling 0:48:00.330 --> 0:48:02.850 the story it sounds so bad, but there were also 0:48:03.130 --> 0:48:06.290 like he is a person and he's not a bad person. 0:48:06.770 --> 0:48:09.130 He's a tortured soul and he's just been through a lot. 0:48:09.490 --> 0:48:13.290 He ended up being diagnosed with borderline person disorder, so 0:48:13.370 --> 0:48:15.490 which made a lot of sense with all the flip 0:48:15.490 --> 0:48:18.690 flopping around. And I honestly, after speaking to him, I 0:48:18.730 --> 0:48:21.010 mean I hadn't spoken to him in so long. After 0:48:21.050 --> 0:48:23.890 speaking to him, I just felt completely drained and I 0:48:24.370 --> 0:48:26.650 from that moment, I'm like, I can't keep this person 0:48:26.810 --> 0:48:29.490 in my life at all. He'd reached out again, he 0:48:29.570 --> 0:48:32.290 wanted to catch up again, and I just never responded. 0:48:32.810 --> 0:48:36.170 I hope that he's happy. I just hope that he's 0:48:36.170 --> 0:48:38.930 happy and that he he's true to himself. I don't 0:48:38.930 --> 0:48:40.730 know where he is on his journey. I don't know 0:48:40.770 --> 0:48:44.250 where he is in regards to being true to his sexuality. 0:48:44.370 --> 0:48:47.650 I don't know where he is in his journey right now, 0:48:47.730 --> 0:48:51.730 But I just hope that he's happy. When I moved 0:48:52.690 --> 0:48:56.850 back to where I grew up, everything just changed. I 0:48:56.930 --> 0:48:59.410 ended up losing thirty three kilos. I was back to 0:49:00.370 --> 0:49:04.170 feeling good about myself. I felt stronger. Where I moved to, 0:49:04.410 --> 0:49:07.730 there was just like like it backs onto, like a reserve, 0:49:07.970 --> 0:49:09.890 and it was just all like the nature. And I'd 0:49:09.930 --> 0:49:12.290 just sit out there with my copper cup of tea 0:49:12.410 --> 0:49:14.170 or a cup of coffee, and I just listened to the 0:49:14.210 --> 0:49:16.010 birds and I just be like, look at where I am, 0:49:16.090 --> 0:49:19.890 you know, like it was just such an amazing part 0:49:19.930 --> 0:49:22.170 of my healing journey. It was just part of it. 0:49:22.650 --> 0:49:26.970 And then I just I ended up scoring an amazing job, 0:49:27.690 --> 0:49:31.690 and everything in my life just started just started falling 0:49:31.690 --> 0:49:35.490 into place. And then I met my current partner now 0:49:35.530 --> 0:49:39.450 when he's just everything and more. He shows up for 0:49:39.530 --> 0:49:45.690 me every single day. He's absolutely amazing, and I feel 0:49:45.690 --> 0:49:47.730 stronger for everything that I've been through. I do not 0:49:48.130 --> 0:49:50.210 regret a single thing because it makes me who I 0:49:50.250 --> 0:49:53.010 am today. I'm stronger for it. I feel like I 0:49:53.090 --> 0:49:56.490 had to start from the ground up. I walked into 0:49:56.570 --> 0:50:00.290 that relationship feeling confident. I got beaten down to the ground. 0:50:00.570 --> 0:50:03.250 Every part of me was just destroyed and I had 0:50:03.290 --> 0:50:06.130 to rebuild myself from the ground up, And even though 0:50:06.170 --> 0:50:10.010 it was really hard and painful and horrendous, Like, I 0:50:10.010 --> 0:50:12.690 don't regret a single moment because who I am today 0:50:14.050 --> 0:50:18.210 is so much stronger, and like I have boundaries now, 0:50:18.290 --> 0:50:21.130 I am aware, I am confident in who I am. 0:50:21.210 --> 0:50:23.890 I don't put up with that stuff anymore. I don't 0:50:23.890 --> 0:50:26.810 anything I am, and since then my life has improved 0:50:26.850 --> 0:50:29.490 so much. You know, I only bring in all these 0:50:29.530 --> 0:50:32.290 beautiful people into my life now. I don't have time 0:50:32.370 --> 0:50:35.410 for those energy vampires. I don't have time for anyone 0:50:35.450 --> 0:50:38.690 who is negative or brings me down. I am strong 0:50:38.730 --> 0:50:41.650 in who I am, and I wouldn't be if it 0:50:41.690 --> 0:50:45.050 wasn't for all those times I learned what I need, 0:50:45.330 --> 0:50:50.050 what I need for me, not just out of a relationship, 0:50:50.050 --> 0:50:52.770 but who I am. I think I didn't even know 0:50:52.810 --> 0:50:55.930 who I was properly before all of that. Building yourself 0:50:55.930 --> 0:50:58.250 from the ground up really teaches you a lot about yourself. 0:50:58.810 --> 0:51:01.930 And I'm proud of who I am, and I'm proud 0:51:01.930 --> 0:51:06.650 of how far I've come, and I'm happy. I'm happy 0:51:06.690 --> 0:51:10.130 now and I don't regret anything. The truth is that 0:51:10.330 --> 0:51:11.650 there is that light at the end of the time, 0:51:11.730 --> 0:51:15.730 and it really does come. And I just think that 0:51:15.850 --> 0:51:17.930 you just need to keep going because time doesn't stop 0:51:17.930 --> 0:51:20.290 for anyone. Life doesn't stop, It never stops. It just 0:51:20.370 --> 0:51:25.090 keeps going, and everything always balances out. And no matter 0:51:25.130 --> 0:51:29.810 how hard things feel and how hard things are, life 0:51:29.890 --> 0:51:32.090 really does improve. It really does. 0:51:49.730 --> 0:51:52.690 Everyone has an ex is a Minti Media production and 0:51:52.730 --> 0:51:55.610 proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written 0:51:55.650 --> 0:51:59.290 and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. 0:51:59.570 --> 0:52:02.970 If you like We've Heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe, 0:52:03.090 --> 0:52:05.650 writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can 0:52:05.690 --> 0:52:08.530 also follow us on Instagram and everyone has an X 0:52:08.810 --> 0:52:10.650 and if you have a story you'd like to share, 0:52:10.690 --> 0:52:13.650 you can contact us said everyone has an exit mintimedia 0:52:13.730 --> 0:52:17.210 dot com dot you or submissions at mamamea dot com 0:52:17.210 --> 0:52:20.130 dot you with the word submission in the subject field.