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Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.

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Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with domestic violence,

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Speaker 2: pregnancy termination, and talk of suicide. Listener discretion is advised.

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Speaker 2: What would you do, dear listener, if you found out

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Speaker 2: something about your partner that changed the very fabric of

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Speaker 2: your relationship at a point when you felt you were

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Speaker 2: too far in would you cut and run or would

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Speaker 2: you trust the fact you've now found out and try

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Speaker 2: to move on.

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Speaker 1: He knew that I wouldn't have continued with the relationship

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Speaker 1: if you told me so. He didn't, and then he

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Speaker 1: decided to buy a house with me and start this

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Speaker 1: whole life with me without being honest about this very

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Speaker 1: crucial part that I deserve to know.

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Speaker 2: So maybe you do keep moving forward. Maybe you move

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Speaker 2: forward for six years, but through and after it all,

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Speaker 2: it turns out what you thought what was the issue

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Speaker 2: didn't even scratch the surface.

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Speaker 1: At that moment when he had opened up about that,

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Speaker 1: it was just like all the pieces just fit. It

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Speaker 1: was like that missing puzzle piece that I was trying

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Speaker 1: to search for for so many years, and I found it,

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Speaker 1: you know, the penny dropped. It wasn't just his depression,

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Speaker 1: it wasn't just all these other things. There was no

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Speaker 1: hope anymore.

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Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex

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Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. We're so

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Speaker 2: often hear that when you're not looking, that's when you

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Speaker 2: find the right person. But sometimes, like for Rebecca and Cam,

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Speaker 2: it's not even you who finds the person, but someone else,

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Speaker 2: a trusted friend with only good intentions.

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Speaker 1: We met in January of twenty seventeen. We were set

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Speaker 1: up by a mutual friend and at the time I

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Speaker 1: was twenty almost twenty one and he was twenty three.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't really looking for anything serious, sort of just

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Speaker 1: popped up. My friend thought that we would be well

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Speaker 1: suited together, and you know, why not give it a crack.

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Speaker 1: So I thought, you know, what have I got to lose?

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Speaker 1: So we organized a date. It all happened pretty quickly.

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Speaker 1: It was within the week. We went on a date.

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Speaker 1: We went to the beach, got a coffee, and we

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Speaker 1: sort of just sat on the beach talking for a

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Speaker 1: couple of hours, and like it was good. First time

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Speaker 1: I saw him, I thought he was cute, you know,

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Speaker 1: I was like, this is good. We hit it off

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Speaker 1: straight away. Really, we just vibed. He had a good

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Speaker 1: energy about him, and I was attracted to him. You know.

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Speaker 1: He was wearing a hat and he always seemed to

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Speaker 1: wear hats, and he had one of those beaber fringes,

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Speaker 1: and he was tall. He had a really nice smile,

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Speaker 1: you know, like it was really nice. It was very inviting.

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Speaker 1: We had a lot of similarities, like he had had

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Speaker 1: a serious motorbike accident when he was fourteen, and I

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Speaker 1: had the same one when I was eighteen, and we

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Speaker 1: both experienced the same brain injury, which I'm fine now,

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Speaker 1: by the way, but that was something that we could

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Speaker 1: relate to, and that was something that really sort of

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Speaker 1: connected us right from the beginning, because not many people

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Speaker 1: in this world know what it's like to have a

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Speaker 1: well temporary brain injury. No one really knows what that

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Speaker 1: feeling's like. But he did, you know, we did. So

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Speaker 1: we just bonded over that and we just laughed and

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Speaker 1: he was funny and he was nice, and he just

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Speaker 1: seemed to be on my level, and I just really

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Speaker 1: like that. And I think because we were set up

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Speaker 1: through a mutual friend as well, there's that connection there,

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Speaker 1: so it's sort of just like that instant you can

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Speaker 1: just you can trust them. I wasn't actually going to

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Speaker 1: go on a second date. Towards the end of the date,

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Speaker 1: he was talking about his ex a lot, and that's

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Speaker 1: sort of like a turn off to me. I'm just like,

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Speaker 1: I'm not really interested in talking about exes. It's not

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Speaker 1: really something you talk about on a first day. But

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Speaker 1: I sort of went home and I spoke to my

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Speaker 1: sister and she's like, just give it another go, because

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Speaker 1: he was really keen to see me again. And I

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Speaker 1: was just like, oh yeah, but he spoke about his

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Speaker 1: ex and you know, and she's like, just give it

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Speaker 1: a go, just give it another girl, and I was

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Speaker 1: like okay. So it was like two days later and

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Speaker 1: we met up again. I actually went to his house,

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Speaker 1: which is not something that I'd usually do, but just

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Speaker 1: felt comfortable and easy to do, so so I did

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Speaker 1: and we hung out at his and honestly, the rest

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Speaker 1: was history. We just we would see each other like

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Speaker 1: almost every single day. We lived basically an hour apart

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Speaker 1: from each other, but we'd always make the drive, like

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Speaker 1: after work or we just had this routine. It all

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Speaker 1: just happened so quickly, and we were just like two

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Speaker 1: peas in a pod. We spend a lot of time

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Speaker 1: at each other's houses. He lived close to the water,

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Speaker 1: so we'd always drive to the beach, have a coffee.

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Speaker 1: We'd go on hikes. I love deer, so we'd always

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Speaker 1: try and find the deer. We just spend a lot

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Speaker 1: of time near the water, and we spoke a lot.

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Speaker 1: We had good communication, so we just spent most of

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Speaker 1: our time talking and it was just strengthening the connection.

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Speaker 1: I felt very early on that that I was falling

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Speaker 1: in love with him, and I felt that that was reciprocated.

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Speaker 1: And three months in I said that I loved him

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Speaker 1: and he set it back, and then it just it

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Speaker 1: shot off.

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Speaker 2: The relationship picked up thick and fast from there. Quickly

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Speaker 2: they knew they wanted to live together, so they put

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Speaker 2: their financial maturity caps on, saved hard, and after Josh

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Speaker 2: I have eighteen months together, they bought a house.

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Speaker 1: It was amazing. It was like living with your best friend. Honestly,

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Speaker 1: it was like a constant sleepover with your best friend

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Speaker 1: every single day. I was so happy. We would both

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Speaker 1: work full time and he would leave for work earlier

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Speaker 1: than me, and he would always leave a coffee in

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Speaker 1: a coffee cup for me with a little note next

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Speaker 1: to the kettle, always like a cute note that was

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Speaker 1: always really nice. So I'd always have something nice to

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Speaker 1: wake up to every morning. And so we would go

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Speaker 1: to work, we'd come home and then we cooked dinner together.

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Speaker 1: We'd sit out the back. We loved having cups of teas,

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Speaker 1: so we just sit out at the back and we

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Speaker 1: just talk. We just talk about everything, honestly, like we

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Speaker 1: could talk to the cows. Came home like it was

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Speaker 1: just we're so close and so that's what our afternoon,

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Speaker 1: our evening would look like. It was one of those

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Speaker 1: relationships where it's just it's perfect, you know, like even

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Speaker 1: people at work they're talking about their relationships, or he

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Speaker 1: does this that's annoying or whatever. I never had anything

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Speaker 1: bad to say. It was just we were so close

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Speaker 1: and connected and every day was just absolutely amazing. It

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Speaker 1: was just one of those relationships where like nothing could

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Speaker 1: go wrong, you know, like everything's just perfect. And there

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Speaker 1: was a lot of faith in the relationship. A lot

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Speaker 1: of trust in the relationship and it was just it

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Speaker 1: was amazing. So those first six months were just everything.

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Speaker 2: Uh oh, what happened? After six months?

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Speaker 1: There was one night that we were sitting in the

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Speaker 1: back room. He started just having this panic attack next

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Speaker 1: to me, and I was looked at him. I was like, like,

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Speaker 1: what's going on? And he was like, I can't hide

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Speaker 1: this any longer. I need to tell you. And he

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Speaker 1: told me that he had cheated on me seven months

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Speaker 1: into a relationship with a girl that he used to

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Speaker 1: speak to, and you know, he was he started to

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Speaker 1: go into detail, but I stopped him in his tracks.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't I don't want to know, I

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Speaker 1: don't care to know. And I just sort of just

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Speaker 1: jumped up, grabbed my keys, and walked out to my

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Speaker 1: car and he was it was like a whole dramatic

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Speaker 1: scene where he was chasing me out and he was like,

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Speaker 1: please don't leave. I love you. You know I made

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Speaker 1: a mistake. And I was like, I'm not hearing it.

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Speaker 1: I don't care to hear about it. And I got

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Speaker 1: in my car and I took off and I drove

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Speaker 1: like twenty minutes and I just sat in my car

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Speaker 1: for hours, just trying to process everything. I was shocked,

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Speaker 1: and I was angry. I was I was shocked, and

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Speaker 1: I was angry because why would you commit to buying

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Speaker 1: a house with me and starting this life with me

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Speaker 1: and you couldn't be honest about what had happened because

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Speaker 1: he knew. He knew. I'd always said it right from

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Speaker 1: the beginning, like the one thing you don't do is

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Speaker 1: cheat on me, Like he knew that I would have

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Speaker 1: continued with the relationship if he told me so. He didn't,

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Speaker 1: and then he decided to buy a house with me

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Speaker 1: and start this whole life with me without being honest

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Speaker 1: about this very crucial part that I deserve to know.

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Speaker 1: I just couldn't get my head around what he told

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Speaker 1: me and how I was supposed to move forward that

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Speaker 1: because I've always been so you know, if someone cheats

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Speaker 1: on you, like that's it. I just don't have time

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Speaker 1: for that stuff. And you know, I've been with like

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Speaker 1: in past relationships where they've been unfaithful, and I felt

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Speaker 1: like I'd learned a lot from those times and sort

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Speaker 1: of like if something like that came up again, I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't put up with that again. Here I was bought

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Speaker 1: a house with this guy and he's just told me

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Speaker 1: this exact thing. I think it was eating him up inside.

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Speaker 1: I mean, we spoke about everything. I was so surprised

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Speaker 1: that he kept this so so quiet. You know, we

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Speaker 1: spoke about everything. We had great communication, and I think

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Speaker 1: just how close we were. I think it was just

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Speaker 1: eating him up inside. The gilt was getting to him.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know why he decided to tell me

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Speaker 1: that point, but he did so. After a couple of hours,

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Speaker 1: I drove back to the house. He was waiting at

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Speaker 1: the door. When I got home, I didn't speak to him.

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Speaker 1: I just straightway went to bed. We didn't speak it

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Speaker 1: all that night, made him sleep on the lounge that night,

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Speaker 1: and that next morning we spoke about it briefly. I

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Speaker 1: was still pretty hurt at that time, but basically he

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Speaker 1: just kept telling me that he loved me and that

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Speaker 1: he made a mistake. And you know that the reason

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Speaker 1: that he told me was because he just couldn't keep

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Speaker 1: it in any longer and felt like I had a

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Speaker 1: right to know, so so he told me. I think

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Speaker 1: it took me a couple of days just to sort

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Speaker 1: of get my head around it and work out what

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Speaker 1: I wanted to do going forward, because, like I mean,

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Speaker 1: if we hadn't bought a house together, I wouldn't ditched

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Speaker 1: it and run at that moment. But I felt like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'd moved an hour away from from my home,

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Speaker 1: I'd gotten this new job, we bought a house. You know,

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Speaker 1: We've got three beautiful dogs, and we started this life together.

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Speaker 1: And it's not as easy as just leaving. So it

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Speaker 1: was after a couple of days, he was sitting up

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Speaker 1: in the garage just on a camping chair, just having

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Speaker 1: a beer, and I sort of I pulled up a

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Speaker 1: chair next to him. And this was the first time

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Speaker 1: I'd sort of been really open to properly talking about it,

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Speaker 1: and I sort of took the focus away from me,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to know how he felt. I wanted

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Speaker 1: to know what it was like for him to keep

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Speaker 1: that secret from me. I basically said that, listen, we've

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Speaker 1: got this house together, we've got this whole life together.

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Speaker 1: Who we were at seven months is completely different to

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Speaker 1: who we are now. Just as long as going forward

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Speaker 1: we're always open and we're honest, I can move past this.

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Speaker 1: So we agreed that we moved past it, and that

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Speaker 1: was it. You know, like it's still hurt, but I

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Speaker 1: have a good ability to sort of let these things go,

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Speaker 1: sort of heal, and I felt like I could move on,

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Speaker 1: and I did. I felt that I still loved him

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Speaker 1: the same, But it did, it did change things, at

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Speaker 1: least in the interim. For me. I couldn't get it

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Speaker 1: out of my head, just the thought of him being

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Speaker 1: with somebody else, and especially when it had happened. He

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Speaker 1: literally saw me that next day and I'd slept with

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Speaker 1: him that next day, you know, and that just it

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Speaker 1: makes me feel sick to think of those things. But

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Speaker 1: I did feel that we were strong enough to be

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Speaker 1: able to get through it, and I felt within myself,

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Speaker 1: I felt that I was strong enough, and I felt

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Speaker 1: like I'd made peace with it, you know, and we

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Speaker 1: were good. It felt like we were sort of on

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Speaker 1: track again, and he was loving on me and he

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Speaker 1: was everything. And then he just changed. Something changed. He

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Speaker 1: became distant. He started to become distant from me. I

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Speaker 1: was not sure what was going on, because I mean,

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Speaker 1: he's been pleading and telling me how much he loved

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Speaker 1: me and how much a mistake he made and everything

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Speaker 1: like that, and I wasn't sure why he pulled back

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Speaker 1: so much, and then he just basically told me that

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Speaker 1: he was struggling with the guilt of it all, and

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Speaker 1: basically that he loved me, but he wasn't in love

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Speaker 1: with me, and that completely destroyed me. I was like, so,

247
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Speaker 1: I'm like bending over backwards trying to get over this thing,

248
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Speaker 1: and what have I got to hang on to now? Like?

249
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Speaker 1: What have I got to? I mean, you're not even

250
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Speaker 1: in love with me anymore. Like it was just it

251
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Speaker 1: was so brutal. And then he told me that he

252
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Speaker 1: wasn't attracted to me and that he never really was.

253
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Speaker 1: He just fell in love with my heart. That was horrendous.

254
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Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like everything inside me just changed.

255
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Speaker 1: My appearance in the mirror. Everything when I'd stand in

256
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Speaker 1: front the mirror, it wasn't even me looking back anymore.

257
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Speaker 1: I couldn't everything changed about me. I just I mean,

258
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Speaker 1: you can be told by many people that you know

259
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Speaker 1: you're attractive or whatever, but then that person that you're

260
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Speaker 1: in love with, if he tells you that you're not,

261
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Speaker 1: you believe it. So I did. That was so brutal.

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Speaker 1: That was that desdrove me. I was obviously extremely hurt.

263
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Speaker 1: I cried, I cried a lot, but I was also

264
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Speaker 1: so confused. I couldn't understand where this was coming from.

265
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Speaker 1: I mean, a week earlier, he was pleading with me

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Speaker 1: to saying that how much he loved me and how

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Speaker 1: much he regretted everything. In a couple of days, we

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Speaker 1: were going away with his family. So we had decided

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Speaker 1: that he was going to go on that family trip

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Speaker 1: and I was going to stay home because he wasn't

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Speaker 1: sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. This

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Speaker 1: all happened within a week, So he went away with

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Speaker 1: his family. I stayed home, and that was really hard.

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Speaker 1: We didn't have any communication in that time, and the

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Speaker 1: whole time I was just roodled with anxiety. I was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, what's it going to be like when he

277
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Speaker 1: gets back? Will he want to be with me? Will

278
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Speaker 1: he will he want to leave me? Like? Where do

279
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Speaker 1: I stand with this? He got back from his trip

280
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Speaker 1: and basically he said that you know that he feels

281
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Speaker 1: that he wants to work on things. And I was relieved,

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Speaker 1: still very confused, but I think it's just been such

283
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Speaker 1: a whirlwind of a week, you know, from being told

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Speaker 1: that I've been cheated on and I just bought this

285
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Speaker 1: house and all this stuff had been a lie to

286
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:32,770
Speaker 1: he's no longer in love with me, nor is he

287
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Speaker 1: attracted to me to that now he wants to work

288
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Speaker 1: on things, and I was relieved, and I was like, Okay,

289
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Speaker 1: we can do this, you know, like maybe it was

290
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Speaker 1: just the guilt of everything. Maybe it was just the

291
00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:46,930
Speaker 1: fact that he'd been holding this big secret from me

292
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Speaker 1: for so long, and we were so close. You know,

293
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Speaker 1: we're best friends, and we've been best friends for two years,

294
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Speaker 1: you know, like it was just I sort of was like, okay,

295
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Speaker 1: I can kind of understand this. Okay, okay, like let's

296
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Speaker 1: reset and let's try this again. I just wanted him

297
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Speaker 1: to love me, and I think being cheated on and

298
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Speaker 1: having that ripped away from me, having the relationship ripped

299
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Speaker 1: away from me so quickly, and then being told that,

300
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:15,570
Speaker 1: instead of feeling like, you know, screw you, it felt

301
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Speaker 1: like I just I just wanted him to love me,

302
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Speaker 1: and I just didn't know why he didn't love me,

303
00:15:19,050 --> 00:15:22,530
Speaker 1: and we'd been so close for so long, so I

304
00:15:22,650 --> 00:15:25,690
Speaker 1: just almost felt desperate for him to love me. So

305
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:29,130
Speaker 1: I didn't look at it as in, you'd hurt me,

306
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,050
Speaker 1: you'd done this to me, like how dare you. I'm

307
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,650
Speaker 1: just I'm out of here sort of thing. Like, I

308
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:35,450
Speaker 1: just I was so focused on just getting us back,

309
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Speaker 1: getting us back on track, and getting us back to

310
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Speaker 1: where we were, because everything had just blown up in

311
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Speaker 1: a second, you know, like it was just I did

312
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Speaker 1: not see it coming.

313
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Speaker 2: The relationship inevitably changed. While they acted on the surface

314
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Speaker 2: like everything was okay, behind closed doors, it wasn't.

315
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Speaker 1: We'd always had great intimacy, we were always very bonded

316
00:15:57,050 --> 00:15:59,490
Speaker 1: in that way, very connected in that way. It was.

317
00:15:59,770 --> 00:16:01,890
Speaker 1: It was great. There was never any sign there were

318
00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:05,050
Speaker 1: never any signs that anything was wrong in that department

319
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Speaker 1: at all. But the moment that he told me that

320
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Speaker 1: he cheated on me, that's when its apart. We stopped

321
00:16:13,730 --> 00:16:16,330
Speaker 1: being intimate. When he told me that he wasn't in

322
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:17,930
Speaker 1: love with me and that he wasn't attracted to me,

323
00:16:18,050 --> 00:16:19,970
Speaker 1: that he never was in the first place. He'd also

324
00:16:20,010 --> 00:16:22,890
Speaker 1: told me that he no longer wanted to sleep with

325
00:16:22,930 --> 00:16:27,330
Speaker 1: me because he wasn't attracted to me, and so that

326
00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:31,690
Speaker 1: fizzled very quickly. He started drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

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Speaker 1: I mean I would get home of an evening and

328
00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:37,490
Speaker 1: he'd already be into the beers. Sometimes it was a

329
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,130
Speaker 1: case of beer a night. He would tell me that

330
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Speaker 1: it was from the guilt of everything that he'd done,

331
00:16:43,930 --> 00:16:46,050
Speaker 1: that he just felt so bad about it and so

332
00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:48,930
Speaker 1: bad about himself for what he'd done to me and

333
00:16:49,650 --> 00:16:52,690
Speaker 1: everything like that. So it would almost make me feel

334
00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:57,650
Speaker 1: guilty for well feeling bad about him cheating on me.

335
00:16:58,690 --> 00:17:02,050
Speaker 1: So I just stopped. I felt like I had to

336
00:17:02,090 --> 00:17:04,450
Speaker 1: move on because every time I couldn't, I couldn't draw

337
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:08,050
Speaker 1: attention to it, because every time that I would, he

338
00:17:08,050 --> 00:17:10,090
Speaker 1: would just withdraw from me, because that's how he got

339
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,330
Speaker 1: when he drank. He would be arrogant, he'd be cold,

340
00:17:12,410 --> 00:17:16,610
Speaker 1: he'd be mean, he'd be distant and on sianta. I

341
00:17:16,650 --> 00:17:18,530
Speaker 1: just I just wanted him to love me again, and

342
00:17:19,450 --> 00:17:23,530
Speaker 1: I just I wasn't able to speak about the cheating

343
00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:25,890
Speaker 1: because he would just he pull away from me, and

344
00:17:25,970 --> 00:17:29,250
Speaker 1: I didn't want that, so I just didn't. I kept

345
00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:32,490
Speaker 1: it to myself, and I just thought that, you know,

346
00:17:32,650 --> 00:17:34,650
Speaker 1: if we didn't bring it up and we just continued

347
00:17:34,650 --> 00:17:38,570
Speaker 1: on as as normal, then then maybe everything would just

348
00:17:38,570 --> 00:17:40,570
Speaker 1: balance back out and he would just because he hadn't

349
00:17:40,610 --> 00:17:44,130
Speaker 1: he hadn't been drinking throughout the whole relationship, not like

350
00:17:44,210 --> 00:17:47,330
Speaker 1: he was now, and he was just this completely different person.

351
00:17:47,930 --> 00:17:51,490
Speaker 1: I look back now and I think, why wouldn't I

352
00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:53,170
Speaker 1: have left? Why would I have not have just packed

353
00:17:53,170 --> 00:17:56,770
Speaker 1: my bags and left? But at that time, I wanted

354
00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:59,610
Speaker 1: us to get back on track because we've been best

355
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:01,970
Speaker 1: friends for two years, you know, and we'd have we

356
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:04,010
Speaker 1: had a house together, we had a whole life together,

357
00:18:04,890 --> 00:18:08,490
Speaker 1: and obviously I was I was confused as to what

358
00:18:08,570 --> 00:18:11,210
Speaker 1: was going on because we'd been so close for so long.

359
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,330
Speaker 1: So it was sort of like I knew that something

360
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:16,050
Speaker 1: was going on with him and that it was something

361
00:18:16,090 --> 00:18:18,370
Speaker 1: more than what he was telling me, and I just

362
00:18:18,690 --> 00:18:20,330
Speaker 1: I just needed to work it out, and I needed

363
00:18:20,370 --> 00:18:23,010
Speaker 1: to to get us back to where we were because

364
00:18:23,050 --> 00:18:26,090
Speaker 1: we were so good. So when he came back from

365
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,610
Speaker 1: his family getaway and he told me that he wanted

366
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,530
Speaker 1: to work on things, I was relieved and I was happy,

367
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:36,050
Speaker 1: and I was ready to resat with him and move forward.

368
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:39,090
Speaker 1: So once he told me that, I was kind of like, Okay,

369
00:18:39,170 --> 00:18:42,450
Speaker 1: so it's something more than me and than us, and

370
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:44,210
Speaker 1: it's sort of just like it was starting to put

371
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,410
Speaker 1: pieces together. I'm like, Okay, this is something that we

372
00:18:46,810 --> 00:18:48,570
Speaker 1: that we can move forward with we can work out

373
00:18:48,690 --> 00:18:52,330
Speaker 1: it's you know, he's struggling mentally, Okay. I wanted to

374
00:18:52,370 --> 00:18:54,330
Speaker 1: help him, so, you know, we had a lot of

375
00:18:54,330 --> 00:18:58,010
Speaker 1: conversations about that, and you know, I did a lot

376
00:18:58,090 --> 00:19:01,610
Speaker 1: of research and you know, I went to doctor's appointments

377
00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:06,930
Speaker 1: with him. I was always there too. I was always

378
00:19:06,930 --> 00:19:11,610
Speaker 1: talking about it. So when he went to the door

379
00:19:11,810 --> 00:19:15,530
Speaker 1: as he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, they gave

380
00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:20,250
Speaker 1: him medication for that, some antidepressants for that. And at

381
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,490
Speaker 1: that point he was still very distant from me. We

382
00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:25,810
Speaker 1: weren't really communicating much, we weren't intimate. He was still

383
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:28,250
Speaker 1: drinking a lot at that point. But he started on

384
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:32,050
Speaker 1: the antidepressants and probably about I don't know, two or

385
00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:36,210
Speaker 1: three weeks later, things dramatically improved. It's like he did

386
00:19:36,210 --> 00:19:38,410
Speaker 1: this whole one to eighty, you know, and he was

387
00:19:38,450 --> 00:19:40,770
Speaker 1: back to the cam that I knew and loved. He

388
00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:43,690
Speaker 1: was back to normal, and I was like, okay, so

389
00:19:43,970 --> 00:19:48,210
Speaker 1: it was just depression and this medication is obviously helping,

390
00:19:48,290 --> 00:19:50,810
Speaker 1: so okay, Like it just it gave me hope, you know,

391
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:52,850
Speaker 1: it gave us both hope. To be honest, it was

392
00:19:52,970 --> 00:19:55,610
Speaker 1: just we were back on track. We were starting to

393
00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:59,010
Speaker 1: be intimate again, we were communicating again. He told me

394
00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:01,050
Speaker 1: that he'd fallen back in love with me, and he

395
00:20:01,090 --> 00:20:04,170
Speaker 1: was like, I'm so sorry for everything that happens, you know,

396
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,730
Speaker 1: like that wouldn't ever happen again. I don't know what happened,

397
00:20:07,170 --> 00:20:09,410
Speaker 1: but it felt good and we were back on track.

398
00:20:09,770 --> 00:20:12,810
Speaker 2: Thank god. So that it's the end of the story then.

399
00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:18,930
Speaker 1: But that lasted about a week. He decided that, you know,

400
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,850
Speaker 1: he's feeling good. He no longer needed the medication anymore.

401
00:20:22,450 --> 00:20:28,570
Speaker 1: So he decided to stop. And literally the moment he did,

402
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:31,770
Speaker 1: everything just flipped on its head again, did another complete

403
00:20:31,770 --> 00:20:34,250
Speaker 1: one eighty well, right back to square one. He told

404
00:20:34,250 --> 00:20:38,810
Speaker 1: me that he didn't love me again. We weren't intimate anymore.

405
00:20:39,010 --> 00:20:43,370
Speaker 1: He was just going back and forth, over and over again.

406
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:46,690
Speaker 1: He did this so many times. He would go back

407
00:20:46,730 --> 00:20:48,650
Speaker 1: on his medication. He would go back off as soon

408
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:50,490
Speaker 1: as he started to feel good again. He felt like

409
00:20:50,530 --> 00:20:53,850
Speaker 1: he was strong enough to stop. And honestly, this probably

410
00:20:53,890 --> 00:20:56,970
Speaker 1: happened about ten fifteen times, honestly, just back and forth,

411
00:20:57,650 --> 00:20:59,730
Speaker 1: and in that time, I was just losing my mind.

412
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:02,330
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how

413
00:21:02,370 --> 00:21:06,290
Speaker 1: to help this guy. Initially, when he would go off

414
00:21:06,330 --> 00:21:08,450
Speaker 1: the medication, I would just be looking forward to the

415
00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:10,410
Speaker 1: next time that he got on that medication, because I

416
00:21:10,490 --> 00:21:12,450
Speaker 1: just knew that when he would be on the medication,

417
00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:16,930
Speaker 1: on the antidepressants, that he would come back. But as

418
00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:19,290
Speaker 1: time went on and the more times he did it,

419
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:23,530
Speaker 1: he just he stopped coming back. He was just sort

420
00:21:23,530 --> 00:21:28,090
Speaker 1: of just still wasn't in love with me, still didn't

421
00:21:28,170 --> 00:21:30,730
Speaker 1: like me, still didn't want to be with me. He

422
00:21:30,770 --> 00:21:33,530
Speaker 1: would become very mean. He'd say very mean things to me.

423
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:36,050
Speaker 1: That's a lot of the time when he would talk

424
00:21:36,050 --> 00:21:40,530
Speaker 1: about the fact that he wasn't attracted to me, he

425
00:21:40,530 --> 00:21:44,330
Speaker 1: would be basically yelling in my face that he didn't

426
00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:46,930
Speaker 1: want to be with me. A lot of the time,

427
00:21:47,010 --> 00:21:51,530
Speaker 1: when he would drink, he would threaten suicide. He would

428
00:21:51,530 --> 00:21:54,210
Speaker 1: tell me how unhappy he was, how unhappy I made him,

429
00:21:54,210 --> 00:21:56,650
Speaker 1: how unhappy he was with his life, how he should

430
00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:00,090
Speaker 1: just end it all. There were many times that he

431
00:22:00,130 --> 00:22:02,930
Speaker 1: would punch holes in the wall. He was forever just

432
00:22:02,970 --> 00:22:06,370
Speaker 1: fixing up holes in the wall. Even broke his knuckles

433
00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:09,530
Speaker 1: once from punching a hole in the wall. It was

434
00:22:09,610 --> 00:22:12,210
Speaker 1: embarrassing to have people over because it's like, how do

435
00:22:12,210 --> 00:22:16,610
Speaker 1: you explain these random holes in the walls, all these patches,

436
00:22:16,650 --> 00:22:18,130
Speaker 1: you know, Like I felt like I couldn't even have

437
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,490
Speaker 1: my parents over because they'd noticed that stuff straight away.

438
00:22:20,970 --> 00:22:23,570
Speaker 1: I just felt like every single day I didn't know

439
00:22:23,570 --> 00:22:26,130
Speaker 1: what to expect. I mean, if he wasn't punching holes

440
00:22:26,170 --> 00:22:27,770
Speaker 1: in the wall, he was yelling in my face, he

441
00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:31,650
Speaker 1: was hurling Esk's across the room at me. So I

442
00:22:31,690 --> 00:22:34,850
Speaker 1: sort of got to the point that I switched off.

443
00:22:34,970 --> 00:22:37,370
Speaker 1: I still remember the moment that I felt all my

444
00:22:37,410 --> 00:22:40,330
Speaker 1: emotions to switch off, like it'd been complete It'd been

445
00:22:40,370 --> 00:22:44,930
Speaker 1: complete turmoil every single day because he was just in

446
00:22:44,970 --> 00:22:48,690
Speaker 1: this constant cycle and he would be drinking so much,

447
00:22:48,730 --> 00:22:51,250
Speaker 1: and every single day you just never knew what was

448
00:22:51,290 --> 00:22:53,650
Speaker 1: going to happen. I just became a shell of a human.

449
00:22:54,130 --> 00:22:58,410
Speaker 1: It's hard to even think what I was actually like

450
00:22:58,570 --> 00:23:01,610
Speaker 1: at that time. I was just existing, really just making

451
00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:05,410
Speaker 1: it through the next day and just hoping that, you know,

452
00:23:05,570 --> 00:23:07,890
Speaker 1: tomorrow will be a better day. And sometimes it was,

453
00:23:08,490 --> 00:23:11,410
Speaker 1: and other times it wasn't far.

454
00:23:11,330 --> 00:23:14,770
Speaker 2: From Rebecca knew this wasn't the life she wanted, but

455
00:23:14,890 --> 00:23:16,290
Speaker 2: she didn't know how to get out.

456
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:22,690
Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't leave. Initially, it was you

457
00:23:22,730 --> 00:23:25,130
Speaker 1: know that we can work on this and we can

458
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:28,330
Speaker 1: move forward, and you know, there was hope for us.

459
00:23:28,890 --> 00:23:30,650
Speaker 1: But it got to the point that he'd just beaten

460
00:23:30,690 --> 00:23:34,890
Speaker 1: me down so much. My self confidence was so low,

461
00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:39,570
Speaker 1: I had gained so much weight. I felt horrible about myself.

462
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,970
Speaker 1: I just felt completely stuck in this cycle. And I

463
00:23:42,970 --> 00:23:45,930
Speaker 1: felt like I was too weak. I couldn't I couldn't leave,

464
00:23:46,570 --> 00:23:48,930
Speaker 1: and it just felt like even just the thought of leaving.

465
00:23:48,970 --> 00:23:51,570
Speaker 1: I mean, of course I thought about it as anyone would,

466
00:23:53,050 --> 00:23:58,170
Speaker 1: but the process of leaving just seemed way too hot.

467
00:23:58,490 --> 00:24:00,250
Speaker 1: I was the shell of a human and I just

468
00:24:01,050 --> 00:24:03,250
Speaker 1: I just put up with it. I just I just stayed.

469
00:24:03,690 --> 00:24:08,570
Speaker 1: I stopped hoping that he would come back, and I

470
00:24:08,770 --> 00:24:12,050
Speaker 1: just dealt with whatever came my way every single day,

471
00:24:12,370 --> 00:24:17,290
Speaker 1: whether it was violent, whether it was verbal abuse, every like.

472
00:24:17,410 --> 00:24:20,090
Speaker 1: I just I just never really knew what to expect.

473
00:24:20,090 --> 00:24:22,690
Speaker 1: But I just ended up just dealing with it. And

474
00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:26,810
Speaker 1: that was just my life. When we would get into

475
00:24:26,850 --> 00:24:30,330
Speaker 1: our fights when he was drinking, he would become handsy

476
00:24:30,370 --> 00:24:35,890
Speaker 1: with me. He never hit me, but he would become pushy,

477
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:38,490
Speaker 1: you know, shove me out of the way. There was

478
00:24:38,530 --> 00:24:43,210
Speaker 1: one night where I was in the bedroom and he

479
00:24:43,250 --> 00:24:48,090
Speaker 1: came up behind me and he wanted to have sex.

480
00:24:48,730 --> 00:24:51,090
Speaker 1: I obviously did not want to. We just had a

481
00:24:51,130 --> 00:24:54,210
Speaker 1: fight and he pushed me on the bed and tried

482
00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:57,290
Speaker 1: to have his way with me. Was not successful. I

483
00:24:57,450 --> 00:25:00,810
Speaker 1: was only twenty three, and I was thinking, this is

484
00:25:00,850 --> 00:25:02,690
Speaker 1: my life, this is what my life looks like now,

485
00:25:02,730 --> 00:25:05,410
Speaker 1: and I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't see

486
00:25:05,410 --> 00:25:07,010
Speaker 1: that light at the end of the tunnel. I was

487
00:25:07,090 --> 00:25:12,410
Speaker 1: just constantly caught in a spiral of course rap every

488
00:25:12,410 --> 00:25:16,130
Speaker 1: single day, and this was just my life now. And

489
00:25:16,970 --> 00:25:20,290
Speaker 1: no one really knew the extent of everything that was

490
00:25:20,330 --> 00:25:24,690
Speaker 1: happening at home, because I feel like if I had told, say,

491
00:25:24,450 --> 00:25:27,530
Speaker 1: my family, then for one, I was still trying to

492
00:25:27,530 --> 00:25:31,890
Speaker 1: protect him. People knew that some things were going down,

493
00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:34,530
Speaker 1: but I wasn't completely honest about everything that was going

494
00:25:34,570 --> 00:25:37,930
Speaker 1: down because I I was protecting him, and honestly, I

495
00:25:37,970 --> 00:25:41,370
Speaker 1: just couldn't. I couldn't deal with any added stress or pressure.

496
00:25:41,490 --> 00:25:45,650
Speaker 1: So I just I kept myself. I shut off from

497
00:25:45,690 --> 00:25:49,730
Speaker 1: the world and just dealt with the drunken cam every

498
00:25:49,770 --> 00:25:54,250
Speaker 1: single night, and whatever happened just happened. It was his

499
00:25:54,330 --> 00:25:57,850
Speaker 1: Dad's birthday and he gone out drinking. I stayed home

500
00:25:57,930 --> 00:25:59,970
Speaker 1: because I just didn't feel like going out hadn't been

501
00:25:59,970 --> 00:26:02,250
Speaker 1: the best time for me. He got home and I

502
00:26:02,330 --> 00:26:06,210
Speaker 1: was out the back having a tea and a smoke,

503
00:26:06,770 --> 00:26:09,170
Speaker 1: and he came out and he was drunk, and straight

504
00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:10,650
Speaker 1: away I was just like, I'm not dealing with this,

505
00:26:11,770 --> 00:26:14,970
Speaker 1: and so I went to bed, and probably a couple

506
00:26:15,050 --> 00:26:19,130
Speaker 1: hours later, he came to bed as well. He'd been

507
00:26:19,170 --> 00:26:21,930
Speaker 1: so drunk that night that the next morning his alarm

508
00:26:22,010 --> 00:26:24,530
Speaker 1: was going off at quarter to six, and he always

509
00:26:24,530 --> 00:26:27,450
Speaker 1: had his alarm set and I'd always be like nudging

510
00:26:27,490 --> 00:26:29,050
Speaker 1: him to wake up and turn it off, because he

511
00:26:29,050 --> 00:26:31,650
Speaker 1: always sucked at waking up to his alarm, But because

512
00:26:31,650 --> 00:26:35,410
Speaker 1: he'd been so drunk that night before, he just didn't

513
00:26:35,450 --> 00:26:39,530
Speaker 1: respond to me nudging him. So I grabbed the phone

514
00:26:39,610 --> 00:26:42,410
Speaker 1: and turned off his alarm. And when I turned off

515
00:26:42,410 --> 00:26:45,170
Speaker 1: his alarm, his whole entire screen was just full of

516
00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:48,570
Speaker 1: Tinder notifications. I'm not much of a snoop. I have

517
00:26:48,650 --> 00:26:52,050
Speaker 1: never been much of a snoop. But I looked, I

518
00:26:52,090 --> 00:26:55,450
Speaker 1: absolutely did, and I saw absolutely everything that he'd been saying.

519
00:26:55,530 --> 00:26:58,010
Speaker 1: I looked at every single message, and I realized that

520
00:26:58,090 --> 00:27:01,570
Speaker 1: this had been going on for basically the whole relationship,

521
00:27:01,610 --> 00:27:05,810
Speaker 1: the whole entire time he'd been doing this, My stomach

522
00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:09,650
Speaker 1: absolutely dropped. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach to

523
00:27:09,810 --> 00:27:13,090
Speaker 1: read everything that I was reading, to see the photos

524
00:27:13,290 --> 00:27:16,090
Speaker 1: that he was sending, to see the videos that he

525
00:27:16,170 --> 00:27:19,090
Speaker 1: was sending to and not just to one person, to

526
00:27:19,370 --> 00:27:23,010
Speaker 1: multiple people. I just I felt absolutely sick to my stomach, like,

527
00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:26,010
Speaker 1: who is this person? Who is this person that I'm

528
00:27:26,050 --> 00:27:29,370
Speaker 1: living with? I just it was absolutely disgusting, And I mean,

529
00:27:29,490 --> 00:27:31,130
Speaker 1: it makes sense as to why he was no longer

530
00:27:31,170 --> 00:27:34,370
Speaker 1: intimate with me anymore, right, he was getting his fixed elsewhere.

531
00:27:34,930 --> 00:27:38,330
Speaker 1: But it was really hard to see that there were

532
00:27:39,690 --> 00:27:45,250
Speaker 1: lots of photos of him sending his penis to random people,

533
00:27:45,770 --> 00:27:50,090
Speaker 1: videos of him doing that exact thing. I was also

534
00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:54,290
Speaker 1: could see videos of girls sending him things even if

535
00:27:54,290 --> 00:27:56,650
Speaker 1: they didn't respond, sort of thing. If some people didn't respond,

536
00:27:56,650 --> 00:27:58,890
Speaker 1: like he was just on it, like he was just like,

537
00:27:59,050 --> 00:28:02,890
Speaker 1: you know, you're so hot, you're beautiful, like I want

538
00:28:02,930 --> 00:28:04,530
Speaker 1: to get to know you, all this stuff, and if

539
00:28:04,530 --> 00:28:06,730
Speaker 1: they didn't respond, like he was just one after the other,

540
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:08,930
Speaker 1: just sending more and more messages. And I was just like,

541
00:28:09,410 --> 00:28:13,250
Speaker 1: this is absolutely revolting. I was angry, I was hurt,

542
00:28:13,290 --> 00:28:17,610
Speaker 1: but I was just also just disgusted because who is

543
00:28:17,770 --> 00:28:20,810
Speaker 1: this person. I went to the gym twice that morning,

544
00:28:20,890 --> 00:28:22,890
Speaker 1: just trying to clear my head once again, like okay,

545
00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:25,970
Speaker 1: so now this is an added thing to this whole thing,

546
00:28:26,290 --> 00:28:29,610
Speaker 1: is the fact that he's being completely unfaithful and god

547
00:28:29,650 --> 00:28:33,850
Speaker 1: knows what else. And I got back around quarter to

548
00:28:34,090 --> 00:28:36,850
Speaker 1: twelve and he was still in bed at that time.

549
00:28:37,330 --> 00:28:40,090
Speaker 1: When he got up, I asked to see his phone.

550
00:28:40,610 --> 00:28:43,050
Speaker 1: He was a bit appressive about that to begin with,

551
00:28:43,170 --> 00:28:46,410
Speaker 1: but I demanded to see his phone. And when I

552
00:28:46,410 --> 00:28:49,890
Speaker 1: looked to his phone again that whole time, that whole morning,

553
00:28:50,570 --> 00:28:54,450
Speaker 1: he had been talking to more people. He did not stop.

554
00:28:54,490 --> 00:28:58,210
Speaker 1: He did not stop. I was absolutely furious. I dropped

555
00:28:58,210 --> 00:28:59,730
Speaker 1: his phone to the ground and I stumped on it

556
00:28:59,730 --> 00:29:03,850
Speaker 1: and I smashed his screen, and I was just just

557
00:29:03,890 --> 00:29:06,970
Speaker 1: out of my mind. I just couldn't believe everything. From

558
00:29:07,010 --> 00:29:11,570
Speaker 1: going from such a strong close relationship where everything was perfect,

559
00:29:11,850 --> 00:29:16,050
Speaker 1: everything blowing up and he's now a drunk and he's violent,

560
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:19,570
Speaker 1: and he's cheating on me every single day, and he

561
00:29:19,850 --> 00:29:23,570
Speaker 1: is just saying horrendous things to me. He is beating

562
00:29:23,610 --> 00:29:27,330
Speaker 1: me down every single day, and just to see that

563
00:29:27,410 --> 00:29:29,490
Speaker 1: he'd been speaking to all of these girls on top

564
00:29:29,570 --> 00:29:32,290
Speaker 1: of it. But I was just I was absolutely furious.

565
00:29:34,010 --> 00:29:37,330
Speaker 2: Cam apologized and promised he'd never do it again. He

566
00:29:37,370 --> 00:29:39,850
Speaker 2: gave Rebecca his passwords and said she could check his

567
00:29:39,890 --> 00:29:43,530
Speaker 2: phone whenever she wanted, and she did, and guess what

568
00:29:43,650 --> 00:29:44,170
Speaker 2: she found.

569
00:29:44,810 --> 00:29:48,690
Speaker 1: It was just the same thing every single day. As

570
00:29:48,690 --> 00:29:51,170
Speaker 1: I said, I wasn't ever much of a snoop, but

571
00:29:51,250 --> 00:29:53,890
Speaker 1: I had to be or he would just constantly try

572
00:29:53,890 --> 00:29:55,930
Speaker 1: and pull the wool over my eyes. But it got

573
00:29:55,970 --> 00:29:58,610
Speaker 1: to the point but I would find something every single time.

574
00:29:58,650 --> 00:30:00,170
Speaker 1: It got to the point that I just stopped looking

575
00:30:00,210 --> 00:30:02,930
Speaker 1: because what's the point. You know, I knew what he

576
00:30:02,970 --> 00:30:05,810
Speaker 1: was up to. But at that point I was still

577
00:30:07,010 --> 00:30:11,610
Speaker 1: so beaten down and broken over over everything, more so

578
00:30:11,650 --> 00:30:14,810
Speaker 1: so my self confidence, my self confidence. I mean I

579
00:30:15,130 --> 00:30:18,530
Speaker 1: gained thirty kilos at that point. I was no longer myself.

580
00:30:18,930 --> 00:30:22,890
Speaker 1: But I had started pondering leaving at that point, because

581
00:30:23,690 --> 00:30:25,410
Speaker 1: you kind of get to a point and you're just

582
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:28,290
Speaker 1: like what am I doing? Like where is this going?

583
00:30:28,330 --> 00:30:30,690
Speaker 1: Like I can't keep living like this? And I mean

584
00:30:30,770 --> 00:30:34,730
Speaker 1: it'd been years, been years of this, Like, I knew

585
00:30:34,770 --> 00:30:36,610
Speaker 1: what I had to do, but trying to find that

586
00:30:36,690 --> 00:30:40,130
Speaker 1: strength to actually do it was a completely different ballgame,

587
00:30:40,410 --> 00:30:42,570
Speaker 1: especially when you're so beaten down and you just don't

588
00:30:42,570 --> 00:30:45,250
Speaker 1: have that energy and you just feel horrible about yourself

589
00:30:45,290 --> 00:30:49,530
Speaker 1: every day. It's just it's too hard, you know. But

590
00:30:49,570 --> 00:30:53,570
Speaker 1: by that stage, I was thinking of what I needed

591
00:30:53,570 --> 00:30:55,490
Speaker 1: to do next, and I was sort of just pondering,

592
00:30:55,970 --> 00:30:58,050
Speaker 1: pondering where I would go, what I would do.

593
00:30:58,890 --> 00:31:01,770
Speaker 2: So at one point Rebecca took matters of self confidence,

594
00:31:01,810 --> 00:31:04,570
Speaker 2: of wanting and the desire to be seen and respected

595
00:31:05,010 --> 00:31:06,370
Speaker 2: into her own hands.

596
00:31:06,730 --> 00:31:09,770
Speaker 1: In that time, I'd started going to the gym, and

597
00:31:10,770 --> 00:31:15,490
Speaker 1: I was feeling a bit better about myself, and with

598
00:31:15,610 --> 00:31:18,250
Speaker 1: everything that he was doing, all the cheating, all the

599
00:31:18,930 --> 00:31:22,530
Speaker 1: constant crap he was doing, I started to look elsewhere

600
00:31:22,530 --> 00:31:26,130
Speaker 1: as well. One night, an old flame reached out to

601
00:31:26,170 --> 00:31:29,370
Speaker 1: me and I ended up just leaving in the middle

602
00:31:29,370 --> 00:31:32,410
Speaker 1: of the night and met up with this person and

603
00:31:32,450 --> 00:31:36,250
Speaker 1: we were intimate, And that was the one time I'd

604
00:31:36,290 --> 00:31:41,170
Speaker 1: done anything like that. I wanted to feel attention, I

605
00:31:41,250 --> 00:31:46,690
Speaker 1: wanted to feel wanted, and I did. I think that

606
00:31:46,810 --> 00:31:49,490
Speaker 1: was sort of like the first time that i'd sort

607
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:56,010
Speaker 1: of really opened up to maybe going elsewhere, and I

608
00:31:56,050 --> 00:31:58,890
Speaker 1: did feel wanted at that point, and it felt nice,

609
00:31:58,970 --> 00:32:01,770
Speaker 1: and not only that I got to talk about everything

610
00:32:01,810 --> 00:32:05,130
Speaker 1: that was going on as well, and it was just

611
00:32:06,370 --> 00:32:08,610
Speaker 1: it was what I needed at that point. I think

612
00:32:08,690 --> 00:32:11,010
Speaker 1: that was one of definitely the bigger turning points where

613
00:32:11,010 --> 00:32:14,250
Speaker 1: I realized that I am more than more than what

614
00:32:14,330 --> 00:32:17,130
Speaker 1: I thought that I was, and that there needs to

615
00:32:17,170 --> 00:32:20,530
Speaker 1: be a change. When I got home, he woke up

616
00:32:20,570 --> 00:32:23,570
Speaker 1: as I was coming back to bed and he was like,

617
00:32:23,770 --> 00:32:26,890
Speaker 1: what did you do? And to be honest, I was

618
00:32:26,970 --> 00:32:29,850
Speaker 1: upfront about it straight away because I kind of also

619
00:32:29,890 --> 00:32:32,890
Speaker 1: wanted to hurt him as well after everything that he'd done.

620
00:32:32,930 --> 00:32:35,650
Speaker 1: I wanted to stick it to him in that way,

621
00:32:36,170 --> 00:32:37,970
Speaker 1: and I was upfront about it, and I just said that,

622
00:32:38,170 --> 00:32:42,450
Speaker 1: you know, I went for a drive with an old

623
00:32:42,490 --> 00:32:46,410
Speaker 1: flame and we had sex, and I was kind of like,

624
00:32:46,810 --> 00:32:49,570
Speaker 1: it is what it is. And but if I knew

625
00:32:49,610 --> 00:32:51,490
Speaker 1: what came from that, you know, the way that he

626
00:32:51,570 --> 00:32:53,730
Speaker 1: blow up, the way that he would hold it against me,

627
00:32:54,490 --> 00:32:57,050
Speaker 1: and the way that he would tell everyone everything like

628
00:32:57,410 --> 00:32:59,410
Speaker 1: what I'd done and acting like I'm just like the

629
00:32:59,490 --> 00:33:03,090
Speaker 1: villain in this, I wouldn't have gone with that approach,

630
00:33:04,010 --> 00:33:08,050
Speaker 1: but I did. At that point, I was so I

631
00:33:08,090 --> 00:33:12,050
Speaker 1: was getting so over everything. I wasn't scared. I kind

632
00:33:12,050 --> 00:33:14,930
Speaker 1: of felt it was honestly a little bit satisfying at

633
00:33:14,930 --> 00:33:17,930
Speaker 1: that point because the amount of turmoil and the amount

634
00:33:17,930 --> 00:33:20,090
Speaker 1: of hurt that I'd felt, I was kind of like,

635
00:33:20,130 --> 00:33:21,930
Speaker 1: suck shit, you know, like this is what you get.

636
00:33:23,130 --> 00:33:25,050
Speaker 1: It felt good that somebody else wanted me, and it

637
00:33:25,050 --> 00:33:27,330
Speaker 1: felt good that I was able to tell him that

638
00:33:27,370 --> 00:33:28,090
Speaker 1: somebody else did.

639
00:33:28,090 --> 00:33:31,490
Speaker 2: To be honest, Cam punished her for this verbally and

640
00:33:31,530 --> 00:33:35,650
Speaker 2: emotionally almost every day in any way he could. Then

641
00:33:35,730 --> 00:33:37,610
Speaker 2: it all came to a head one night when they

642
00:33:37,650 --> 00:33:40,810
Speaker 2: were out with friends and things escalated to a point

643
00:33:40,890 --> 00:33:42,170
Speaker 2: Rebecca never imagined.

644
00:33:42,770 --> 00:33:45,410
Speaker 1: He was sitting next to me and his phone lit up,

645
00:33:45,530 --> 00:33:48,290
Speaker 1: and it was a girl that he had spoken to

646
00:33:48,450 --> 00:33:50,570
Speaker 1: earlier on in the relationship, one of those ones that

647
00:33:51,410 --> 00:33:55,570
Speaker 1: you just know straightaway that they're someone you know, even

648
00:33:55,650 --> 00:33:58,210
Speaker 1: though he's like, no, no, it's nothing, it's nothing like,

649
00:33:58,370 --> 00:34:01,530
Speaker 1: as a woman, we just know these things. She popped

650
00:34:01,610 --> 00:34:05,490
Speaker 1: up and he'd been deleting her messages, and basically because

651
00:34:05,530 --> 00:34:08,170
Speaker 1: he'd been drinking. As soon as I saw the message,

652
00:34:08,170 --> 00:34:09,370
Speaker 1: I just looked at him, and I was like, are

653
00:34:09,370 --> 00:34:11,890
Speaker 1: you kidding me? And he just blew up and he

654
00:34:11,930 --> 00:34:15,010
Speaker 1: was just like, I did nothing wrong. You know, you're

655
00:34:15,050 --> 00:34:18,610
Speaker 1: just being sensitive, You're being dramatic. I did nothing wrong,

656
00:34:18,610 --> 00:34:20,250
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And I was just like I'm not

657
00:34:20,330 --> 00:34:22,970
Speaker 1: doing this here, like there are people around. I'm like,

658
00:34:23,010 --> 00:34:25,570
Speaker 1: I'm not doing this here, Like let's go home, And

659
00:34:25,650 --> 00:34:29,450
Speaker 1: so we decided to leave. On the way back to

660
00:34:29,890 --> 00:34:34,410
Speaker 1: driving home, he was basically yelling at me and he

661
00:34:34,490 --> 00:34:39,250
Speaker 1: drove to the lake and he literally drove straight into

662
00:34:39,290 --> 00:34:43,730
Speaker 1: the car park and he mounted just like accelerated into

663
00:34:43,770 --> 00:34:46,770
Speaker 1: the gutter of the car park. I like smacked his chest.

664
00:34:46,890 --> 00:34:48,610
Speaker 1: I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know if

665
00:34:48,610 --> 00:34:50,130
Speaker 1: he was going to keep driving. I didn't know what

666
00:34:50,210 --> 00:34:52,090
Speaker 1: was going on. But I like slammed my fist onto

667
00:34:52,130 --> 00:34:53,610
Speaker 1: his chest sort of thing, and it made him like

668
00:34:53,610 --> 00:34:56,290
Speaker 1: stop the car. He got out in this like fit

669
00:34:56,330 --> 00:35:02,130
Speaker 1: of rage, and he threw my keys like really far.

670
00:35:03,130 --> 00:35:07,130
Speaker 1: I quickly hopped over to the driver's side and I

671
00:35:07,170 --> 00:35:09,850
Speaker 1: locked the doors, and he was at the window and

672
00:35:09,890 --> 00:35:11,450
Speaker 1: he was like banging on the window and he was

673
00:35:11,490 --> 00:35:13,970
Speaker 1: just like open, open the doors, Open the doors. I

674
00:35:14,010 --> 00:35:17,170
Speaker 1: was like no, and he was just escalating, was escalating,

675
00:35:17,210 --> 00:35:18,930
Speaker 1: and then he went to go find way through the

676
00:35:19,010 --> 00:35:21,410
Speaker 1: keys and he eventually found them, and he kept unlocking

677
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:24,010
Speaker 1: the car and I kept locking the door again, and

678
00:35:24,330 --> 00:35:27,490
Speaker 1: this was going back and forth, and I knew at

679
00:35:27,570 --> 00:35:30,330
Speaker 1: one point that he was going to unlock it and

680
00:35:30,370 --> 00:35:33,410
Speaker 1: open the door, and that last time that he did

681
00:35:33,490 --> 00:35:35,970
Speaker 1: unlock it, he opened the door and I just like

682
00:35:36,010 --> 00:35:37,690
Speaker 1: threw myself out of the car and like pushed him

683
00:35:37,690 --> 00:35:39,610
Speaker 1: out of the way before anything happened sort of thing.

684
00:35:39,690 --> 00:35:42,370
Speaker 1: He was so angry and so like I pushed him

685
00:35:42,370 --> 00:35:47,210
Speaker 1: out of the way and basically he just started yelling

686
00:35:47,250 --> 00:35:49,690
Speaker 1: at me, and he was like, fuck this. I'm walking

687
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,930
Speaker 1: home and he just started yelling at me and he

688
00:35:52,010 --> 00:35:55,410
Speaker 1: was saying, you over dramatic. Fuck I did nothing wrong.

689
00:35:56,050 --> 00:35:57,770
Speaker 1: Then he was like yelling at It was like it

690
00:35:57,890 --> 00:36:00,770
Speaker 1: was like one am or two am, and he was

691
00:36:00,850 --> 00:36:03,490
Speaker 1: just like, you know, call the police, call your dad,

692
00:36:03,490 --> 00:36:06,850
Speaker 1: tell him I beach you. But the cops aren't the

693
00:36:06,890 --> 00:36:09,890
Speaker 1: ones you're gonna need. It's gonna be the ambulance because

694
00:36:09,890 --> 00:36:13,210
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go fucking neck myself. And basically he just

695
00:36:13,250 --> 00:36:17,010
Speaker 1: like stormed off with the keys. So I called the

696
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:19,290
Speaker 1: family friend, and I was just in like a panic,

697
00:36:19,370 --> 00:36:21,650
Speaker 1: and I was just like, you know, can you come

698
00:36:21,650 --> 00:36:25,370
Speaker 1: pick me up. Cam's gone home and he's going to

699
00:36:25,450 --> 00:36:28,450
Speaker 1: do something. And so the family friend came and picked

700
00:36:28,450 --> 00:36:31,610
Speaker 1: me up and we drove back to the house. I

701
00:36:31,610 --> 00:36:33,330
Speaker 1: got out of the car and I ran up the driveway.

702
00:36:34,130 --> 00:36:36,650
Speaker 1: I couldn't lift myself up, but I jumped up and

703
00:36:36,690 --> 00:36:39,130
Speaker 1: I could see that the garage light because up the

704
00:36:39,250 --> 00:36:41,490
Speaker 1: driveway was the garage, and I could see over the

705
00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:43,930
Speaker 1: fence that the garage light was on, but the roller

706
00:36:43,930 --> 00:36:47,530
Speaker 1: door was closed, and I signaled for my family friend

707
00:36:47,530 --> 00:36:49,730
Speaker 1: to lift me up so I could jump over the fence,

708
00:36:49,850 --> 00:36:54,490
Speaker 1: and he did. He helped me up, and I leapt

709
00:36:54,490 --> 00:36:58,730
Speaker 1: over the fence and running up that driveway, I didn't

710
00:36:58,810 --> 00:37:00,930
Speaker 1: know what I was going to find. So many things

711
00:37:00,930 --> 00:37:05,330
Speaker 1: just flashed through my mind. And I opened the roller

712
00:37:05,370 --> 00:37:09,410
Speaker 1: door and he was on the ground, crying, with a

713
00:37:09,450 --> 00:37:15,250
Speaker 1: noose around his neck, and he was just bawling his

714
00:37:15,330 --> 00:37:19,650
Speaker 1: eyes out, and at that point I'd already called the ambulance.

715
00:37:19,730 --> 00:37:23,650
Speaker 1: So the ambulance and the police arrived. They ended up

716
00:37:23,690 --> 00:37:26,290
Speaker 1: taking him back to the hospital. I didn't speak to

717
00:37:26,970 --> 00:37:29,850
Speaker 1: the paramedics, but I spoke with the police. They were

718
00:37:29,930 --> 00:37:32,970
Speaker 1: interested to hear my side of the story as to

719
00:37:33,010 --> 00:37:35,450
Speaker 1: what's happened sort of thing and what went on. I

720
00:37:35,490 --> 00:37:38,810
Speaker 1: told them everything, and they asked if I wanted to

721
00:37:38,930 --> 00:37:41,850
Speaker 1: press charges, and I said no because they said that

722
00:37:41,890 --> 00:37:44,970
Speaker 1: it was domestic violence, and I said no, I wasn't

723
00:37:45,010 --> 00:37:48,250
Speaker 1: going to And basically they said that they put a

724
00:37:48,290 --> 00:37:50,850
Speaker 1: mark against his name just in case in the future

725
00:37:50,850 --> 00:37:56,210
Speaker 1: if I wanted to report anything. But that was that. Really,

726
00:37:57,210 --> 00:38:01,090
Speaker 1: After that night, it changed a lot for me. I mean,

727
00:38:02,210 --> 00:38:04,490
Speaker 1: I felt so many different things. I mean, I felt

728
00:38:04,570 --> 00:38:09,210
Speaker 1: more inclined to stay because I felt like I couldn't leave.

729
00:38:09,730 --> 00:38:11,410
Speaker 1: I was scared of what he would do, and I

730
00:38:11,770 --> 00:38:13,930
Speaker 1: last thing that I needed and wanted that point was

731
00:38:14,010 --> 00:38:18,850
Speaker 1: to be responsible for something like that. But then also

732
00:38:18,890 --> 00:38:22,210
Speaker 1: at the same time, I mean, I was so over

733
00:38:22,290 --> 00:38:23,970
Speaker 1: it at that point, there was so like it was

734
00:38:24,050 --> 00:38:26,450
Speaker 1: just I was so numb to it. But then I

735
00:38:26,450 --> 00:38:28,250
Speaker 1: also cared. At the same point, I felt like I

736
00:38:28,250 --> 00:38:30,810
Speaker 1: couldn't leave. Then it made me want to leave even more.

737
00:38:31,490 --> 00:38:33,850
Speaker 1: I didn't know where to go. I didn't I didn't

738
00:38:33,890 --> 00:38:37,770
Speaker 1: know what to do. At that point. This rollercoaster and

739
00:38:37,850 --> 00:38:41,090
Speaker 1: this numbness went on for years. This was just my

740
00:38:41,170 --> 00:38:47,930
Speaker 1: life every single day. And as time progressed, we started

741
00:38:48,130 --> 00:38:54,250
Speaker 1: both getting into drugs. It started with just weed every

742
00:38:54,330 --> 00:38:58,210
Speaker 1: night sort of thing, and then it led onto cocaine.

743
00:38:58,810 --> 00:39:01,170
Speaker 1: But I felt like in those times we had the

744
00:39:01,250 --> 00:39:03,610
Speaker 1: more real conversations when we'd be on it, so it

745
00:39:03,650 --> 00:39:06,450
Speaker 1: was more of like it was a way to communicate,

746
00:39:06,490 --> 00:39:08,290
Speaker 1: really a way to break through, because we just weren't

747
00:39:08,330 --> 00:39:12,930
Speaker 1: communicating anymore, and when we were on those substances, we

748
00:39:12,970 --> 00:39:16,490
Speaker 1: actually we actually had real conversations. And it was at

749
00:39:16,530 --> 00:39:21,370
Speaker 1: that point one night we had done the drugs that

750
00:39:23,250 --> 00:39:26,530
Speaker 1: we were in bed and I was just looking at

751
00:39:26,570 --> 00:39:29,570
Speaker 1: him and I just I saw his whole face just change.

752
00:39:30,410 --> 00:39:32,250
Speaker 1: And at that moment, like I just felt like with

753
00:39:32,330 --> 00:39:34,530
Speaker 1: everything that was going on and how how close and

754
00:39:34,570 --> 00:39:36,970
Speaker 1: solid we were for so long, Like I just I'd

755
00:39:36,970 --> 00:39:39,490
Speaker 1: done so much research and so much like looking into

756
00:39:39,530 --> 00:39:41,490
Speaker 1: everything and just trying to work out where did this

757
00:39:41,570 --> 00:39:43,930
Speaker 1: go wrong? What is happening? Why are we doing constant

758
00:39:43,930 --> 00:39:46,490
Speaker 1: one eighties? Why are we always going back and forth?

759
00:39:47,090 --> 00:39:49,130
Speaker 1: And that night I just looked at him and his

760
00:39:49,250 --> 00:39:52,330
Speaker 1: face completely just changed, and I just it's like I

761
00:39:52,370 --> 00:39:57,250
Speaker 1: just saw it, and I was like, Camp, are you gay,

762
00:39:57,730 --> 00:40:00,330
Speaker 1: and he just like he broke down and he was

763
00:40:00,450 --> 00:40:04,890
Speaker 1: just like, I don't know. It was just like all

764
00:40:04,890 --> 00:40:07,530
Speaker 1: the pieces just fit. It was like that missing puzzle

765
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:09,650
Speaker 1: piece that I was trying to search for for so

766
00:40:09,730 --> 00:40:13,690
Speaker 1: many years, and it just I found it. You know.

767
00:40:13,890 --> 00:40:15,610
Speaker 1: It all made sense as to why he'd been so

768
00:40:15,690 --> 00:40:18,610
Speaker 1: unhappy and why he was drinking so much, and why

769
00:40:19,090 --> 00:40:22,370
Speaker 1: he was saying that he wasn't attracted to me. And

770
00:40:22,690 --> 00:40:25,050
Speaker 1: I mean, I wish that he'd been honest about it,

771
00:40:25,050 --> 00:40:27,770
Speaker 1: but I also understood as to you know, that was

772
00:40:27,810 --> 00:40:29,210
Speaker 1: hard for him to say that. It was hard for

773
00:40:29,250 --> 00:40:31,690
Speaker 1: him to admit that. So I was able to find

774
00:40:31,730 --> 00:40:34,290
Speaker 1: that place where I was like, Okay, it's been an

775
00:40:34,290 --> 00:40:38,210
Speaker 1: absolute rollercoaster, but like I hear you and I see you.

776
00:40:38,570 --> 00:40:41,010
Speaker 1: I'd already given up hope with our relationship. Our relationship

777
00:40:41,090 --> 00:40:43,690
Speaker 1: was it was south. I thought maybe if he just

778
00:40:43,730 --> 00:40:46,250
Speaker 1: at least hang on to a friendship, if I could

779
00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:48,930
Speaker 1: at least still be me and be supportive and because

780
00:40:48,970 --> 00:40:50,210
Speaker 1: I mean, that's who I am at the end of

781
00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:52,770
Speaker 1: the day, and I could empathize. You know, maybe he's

782
00:40:52,810 --> 00:40:56,210
Speaker 1: just been keeping this massive secret, you know, of his sexuality,

783
00:40:56,290 --> 00:40:59,370
Speaker 1: and maybe that's why everything blew up, and I could

784
00:40:59,450 --> 00:41:01,330
Speaker 1: understand that, you know, and it's like, if I had

785
00:41:01,370 --> 00:41:04,370
Speaker 1: to be that person that was essentially the punching bag

786
00:41:04,410 --> 00:41:08,450
Speaker 1: for it, then then okay, like I made peace with it.

787
00:41:08,610 --> 00:41:12,170
Speaker 1: This is never something that I had considered before. After

788
00:41:12,210 --> 00:41:14,850
Speaker 1: he told me, it was like this weight had been

789
00:41:14,850 --> 00:41:17,610
Speaker 1: lifted off his shoulders, you know, like things actually improved

790
00:41:18,090 --> 00:41:21,690
Speaker 1: by me being that supportive well friend at that time,

791
00:41:22,090 --> 00:41:24,570
Speaker 1: things improved. His mental health seemed to improve, you know,

792
00:41:24,730 --> 00:41:28,490
Speaker 1: like the drinking decreased. You know, we weren't doing the

793
00:41:28,570 --> 00:41:32,330
Speaker 1: drugs anymore. He was being very open with me, very

794
00:41:32,450 --> 00:41:35,130
Speaker 1: very open with me, more than I'd ever want to

795
00:41:35,170 --> 00:41:38,570
Speaker 1: know or hear or see. But I still had to

796
00:41:38,570 --> 00:41:42,650
Speaker 1: take that approach of being supportive, so I didn't say anything,

797
00:41:42,650 --> 00:41:44,370
Speaker 1: and I just I was thankful for the fact that

798
00:41:44,370 --> 00:41:46,290
Speaker 1: he was being honest with me and open with me.

799
00:41:46,450 --> 00:41:49,210
Speaker 1: So that was something that we hadn't had for a

800
00:41:49,250 --> 00:41:53,170
Speaker 1: really long time. It helped me in the sense of

801
00:41:53,530 --> 00:41:56,770
Speaker 1: realizing that it was never me and it was really

802
00:41:56,850 --> 00:41:59,170
Speaker 1: that closure that I needed in order for me to

803
00:41:59,290 --> 00:42:01,970
Speaker 1: move forward with my life and really make some real

804
00:42:02,730 --> 00:42:04,570
Speaker 1: gain plan as to how I was going to move forward.

805
00:42:05,210 --> 00:42:08,570
Speaker 1: But yeah, what do you do with something like that,

806
00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:11,050
Speaker 1: you know, the person that you thought was a love

807
00:42:11,090 --> 00:42:15,330
Speaker 1: of your life out to be gay. After that, I

808
00:42:15,370 --> 00:42:18,010
Speaker 1: really started to put things in place as to you know,

809
00:42:18,090 --> 00:42:20,130
Speaker 1: searching for a house, and we were really having those

810
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:24,730
Speaker 1: conversations of me moving out or we went back and forth.

811
00:42:24,770 --> 00:42:25,890
Speaker 1: He was going to move out, then I was going

812
00:42:25,970 --> 00:42:28,530
Speaker 1: to move out. So we were sort of going through

813
00:42:28,530 --> 00:42:33,770
Speaker 1: that whole process. But during that process a spanner was

814
00:42:33,770 --> 00:42:36,690
Speaker 1: thrown into the works. I found out that I was pregnant.

815
00:42:39,010 --> 00:42:42,330
Speaker 1: I remember just when I took that pregnancy test. I

816
00:42:42,370 --> 00:42:46,050
Speaker 1: remember just screaming because I was I can't deal with

817
00:42:46,090 --> 00:42:49,730
Speaker 1: this right now. I can't. There was a point in

818
00:42:49,770 --> 00:42:52,370
Speaker 1: our relationship earlier on where we were actually trying for

819
00:42:52,450 --> 00:42:54,770
Speaker 1: a baby, which was when things were still going well

820
00:42:54,810 --> 00:42:56,970
Speaker 1: and we were trying for a baby and it just

821
00:42:57,050 --> 00:42:59,090
Speaker 1: wasn't happening, and I went to the doctors and it

822
00:42:59,130 --> 00:43:02,970
Speaker 1: was just there was something like unexplained infertility. You know,

823
00:43:03,210 --> 00:43:05,610
Speaker 1: I'd had tests done and I just wasn't ovulating, and

824
00:43:06,050 --> 00:43:08,050
Speaker 1: so there were all these things that we were trying,

825
00:43:08,090 --> 00:43:12,490
Speaker 1: it just wasn't happening, and I was pregnant, and after

826
00:43:12,610 --> 00:43:15,650
Speaker 1: three years it had happened and it would just had

827
00:43:15,650 --> 00:43:20,130
Speaker 1: come at the complete wrong time. So the way that

828
00:43:20,170 --> 00:43:24,210
Speaker 1: I told him, he got home from work and I

829
00:43:24,250 --> 00:43:26,570
Speaker 1: had already sort of had my breakdown moment, freak out

830
00:43:26,610 --> 00:43:28,570
Speaker 1: moment about it, and I decided I wanted to keep

831
00:43:28,570 --> 00:43:30,810
Speaker 1: the baby. I mean, I'd wanted a baby for years,

832
00:43:31,610 --> 00:43:34,130
Speaker 1: So I decided to keep the baby. And when he

833
00:43:34,170 --> 00:43:39,050
Speaker 1: got home from work, I had my bluetooth speaker and

834
00:43:39,130 --> 00:43:43,210
Speaker 1: I played that songly you have My Baby what one

835
00:43:43,250 --> 00:43:46,090
Speaker 1: of those things, and he was like just sort of

836
00:43:46,090 --> 00:43:48,410
Speaker 1: like listening, and he was just like wait, what And

837
00:43:48,610 --> 00:43:53,170
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I'm pregnant, and because at that point,

838
00:43:53,250 --> 00:43:56,450
Speaker 1: like I mean, yeah, the whole sexuality thing had come out.

839
00:43:56,890 --> 00:43:59,330
Speaker 1: But I felt like, okay, like maybe we could do

840
00:43:59,410 --> 00:44:03,410
Speaker 1: this and not be like together together, not in that way,

841
00:44:03,490 --> 00:44:05,290
Speaker 1: like I felt like we were a lot better. And

842
00:44:06,490 --> 00:44:08,610
Speaker 1: initially he was like, okay, you know, like we can

843
00:44:08,650 --> 00:44:11,650
Speaker 1: do this, and he felt like okay, Like it just

844
00:44:11,770 --> 00:44:14,010
Speaker 1: he gave him even more of a push to get

845
00:44:14,050 --> 00:44:16,090
Speaker 1: his life back on track and everything, because you know,

846
00:44:16,090 --> 00:44:18,050
Speaker 1: he was going to be a father and we were

847
00:44:18,090 --> 00:44:21,530
Speaker 1: just talking about that we could do this, like not together,

848
00:44:21,810 --> 00:44:23,690
Speaker 1: but we could both be in the child's life. I

849
00:44:23,690 --> 00:44:27,490
Speaker 1: mean like we could be great parents without actually being together.

850
00:44:28,610 --> 00:44:31,930
Speaker 1: And that lasted I think a whole six hours. He

851
00:44:32,370 --> 00:44:37,090
Speaker 1: flipped script and basically was like, you know, we can't

852
00:44:37,130 --> 00:44:41,650
Speaker 1: do this, and he pushed me towards terminating the pregnancy,

853
00:44:42,770 --> 00:44:45,090
Speaker 1: and I went back and forth on that many times.

854
00:44:45,730 --> 00:44:49,770
Speaker 1: I that was a really hard time. I felt like

855
00:44:49,890 --> 00:44:53,450
Speaker 1: mentally I wasn't ready to do this on my own

856
00:44:53,530 --> 00:44:56,730
Speaker 1: because I felt like what he was saying that basically

857
00:44:56,770 --> 00:44:58,610
Speaker 1: like I would be on my own with this, and

858
00:44:58,690 --> 00:45:01,610
Speaker 1: I was not strong enough to do this on my own.

859
00:45:02,410 --> 00:45:05,690
Speaker 1: Weeks went by and I just went back and forth

860
00:45:05,770 --> 00:45:09,890
Speaker 1: and what to do, what to do, and I decided

861
00:45:09,930 --> 00:45:16,650
Speaker 1: to terminate the pregnancy, and I was absolutely just draught

862
00:45:17,090 --> 00:45:21,210
Speaker 1: out of everything that had happened in the relationship. That

863
00:45:21,450 --> 00:45:24,890
Speaker 1: was the biggest thing. And it still stays with me

864
00:45:24,930 --> 00:45:29,170
Speaker 1: today because I mean, for the first time, even though

865
00:45:29,170 --> 00:45:30,930
Speaker 1: I felt that I wasn't ready to be a mother

866
00:45:30,970 --> 00:45:33,170
Speaker 1: at that point, for the first time, I felt like

867
00:45:33,210 --> 00:45:35,210
Speaker 1: I wasn't alone because everything that had been going on

868
00:45:35,250 --> 00:45:37,250
Speaker 1: in the relationship, I kept it to myself, no one

869
00:45:37,330 --> 00:45:39,890
Speaker 1: really knew anything, and it felt like for the first

870
00:45:39,930 --> 00:45:42,890
Speaker 1: time I wasn't alone, and I would lay in bed

871
00:45:42,930 --> 00:45:44,970
Speaker 1: and I'd be just like put my hand on my stomach,

872
00:45:45,090 --> 00:45:48,930
Speaker 1: just like talking. That was my baby, you know. After that,

873
00:45:49,450 --> 00:45:52,530
Speaker 1: I felt there was just a massive turning point. I

874
00:45:52,530 --> 00:45:56,650
Speaker 1: couldn't forgive him anymore. I was done. I was so done.

875
00:45:56,850 --> 00:46:00,650
Speaker 1: I mean, this man had cheated on me, He'd been violent,

876
00:46:00,690 --> 00:46:03,570
Speaker 1: he'd been a drunk, he had said horrendous things to me.

877
00:46:04,410 --> 00:46:07,130
Speaker 1: I had changed so much about myself. I had just

878
00:46:07,730 --> 00:46:10,650
Speaker 1: bent over backwards, and I had just put up with

879
00:46:10,850 --> 00:46:14,330
Speaker 1: so much stuff, constant cheating, the constant agony, the constant

880
00:46:14,370 --> 00:46:17,650
Speaker 1: roller coaster. I was thirty kilos heavier, I was losing.

881
00:46:17,690 --> 00:46:22,370
Speaker 1: I was just completely lost myself. I realized that I

882
00:46:22,410 --> 00:46:26,730
Speaker 1: can't keep doing this. I'm constantly stuck in this constant

883
00:46:27,010 --> 00:46:31,450
Speaker 1: cycle that I can't get out of. And like, I'm done.

884
00:46:31,450 --> 00:46:33,770
Speaker 1: I can't keep doing this. I need to move on

885
00:46:33,850 --> 00:46:35,490
Speaker 1: with my life. For as long as he's in my life.

886
00:46:35,530 --> 00:46:37,450
Speaker 1: I can't move on. For as long as I keep

887
00:46:37,450 --> 00:46:40,050
Speaker 1: doing this, I'm never gonna heal for as long as

888
00:46:40,250 --> 00:46:43,530
Speaker 1: you know, I keep getting caught in this, like, like,

889
00:46:43,570 --> 00:46:47,490
Speaker 1: where is my life going? So I decided to sell

890
00:46:47,530 --> 00:46:52,130
Speaker 1: my house and I moved back home. I realized just

891
00:46:52,610 --> 00:46:54,650
Speaker 1: how I was just staying in this space that was

892
00:46:54,690 --> 00:46:57,930
Speaker 1: just holding me back, and so that that decision to

893
00:46:58,010 --> 00:47:02,010
Speaker 1: move back home, back to where I grew up was

894
00:47:02,050 --> 00:47:05,090
Speaker 1: actually easy. I was just in go mode. I I

895
00:47:05,130 --> 00:47:08,130
Speaker 1: just packed all my stuff, I got my house on

896
00:47:08,170 --> 00:47:10,770
Speaker 1: the market, I sold my house, and I just I

897
00:47:10,850 --> 00:47:15,810
Speaker 1: just left and that was it. It was hard. I

898
00:47:15,850 --> 00:47:19,410
Speaker 1: think my life had been so chaotic. There'd been so

899
00:47:19,530 --> 00:47:23,290
Speaker 1: much going on for so many years, like moving out

900
00:47:23,330 --> 00:47:26,130
Speaker 1: and just being in silence and just living alone. It

901
00:47:26,210 --> 00:47:28,890
Speaker 1: was hard, but it was all that we knew. We

902
00:47:28,930 --> 00:47:31,570
Speaker 1: knew like just each other, and we'd just been through

903
00:47:31,610 --> 00:47:33,810
Speaker 1: so much together and it had just been such turmoil.

904
00:47:34,370 --> 00:47:38,050
Speaker 1: He was he was battling something bigger than this, you know.

905
00:47:38,250 --> 00:47:40,410
Speaker 1: I still to this day will not say that that

906
00:47:40,450 --> 00:47:43,850
Speaker 1: he's a bad person. He's not tortured soul. Maybe the

907
00:47:43,930 --> 00:47:48,570
Speaker 1: last time I spoke to Cam was probably about six

908
00:47:48,610 --> 00:47:52,170
Speaker 1: seven months ago. He checked in just sort of message

909
00:47:52,210 --> 00:47:55,370
Speaker 1: and we had a FaceTime just a couple just to

910
00:47:55,410 --> 00:47:57,050
Speaker 1: sort of like check in and see like how we're

911
00:47:57,090 --> 00:48:00,290
Speaker 1: going and stuff. Because like, even though I know telling

912
00:48:00,330 --> 00:48:02,850
Speaker 1: the story it sounds so bad, but there were also

913
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:06,290
Speaker 1: like he is a person and he's not a bad person.

914
00:48:06,770 --> 00:48:09,130
Speaker 1: He's a tortured soul and he's just been through a lot.

915
00:48:09,490 --> 00:48:13,290
Speaker 1: He ended up being diagnosed with borderline person disorder, so

916
00:48:13,370 --> 00:48:15,490
Speaker 1: which made a lot of sense with all the flip

917
00:48:15,490 --> 00:48:18,690
Speaker 1: flopping around. And I honestly, after speaking to him, I

918
00:48:18,730 --> 00:48:21,010
Speaker 1: mean I hadn't spoken to him in so long. After

919
00:48:21,050 --> 00:48:23,890
Speaker 1: speaking to him, I just felt completely drained and I

920
00:48:24,370 --> 00:48:26,650
Speaker 1: from that moment, I'm like, I can't keep this person

921
00:48:26,810 --> 00:48:29,490
Speaker 1: in my life at all. He'd reached out again, he

922
00:48:29,570 --> 00:48:32,290
Speaker 1: wanted to catch up again, and I just never responded.

923
00:48:32,810 --> 00:48:36,170
Speaker 1: I hope that he's happy. I just hope that he's

924
00:48:36,170 --> 00:48:38,930
Speaker 1: happy and that he he's true to himself. I don't

925
00:48:38,930 --> 00:48:40,730
Speaker 1: know where he is on his journey. I don't know

926
00:48:40,770 --> 00:48:44,250
Speaker 1: where he is in regards to being true to his sexuality.

927
00:48:44,370 --> 00:48:47,650
Speaker 1: I don't know where he is in his journey right now,

928
00:48:47,730 --> 00:48:51,730
Speaker 1: But I just hope that he's happy. When I moved

929
00:48:52,690 --> 00:48:56,850
Speaker 1: back to where I grew up, everything just changed. I

930
00:48:56,930 --> 00:48:59,410
Speaker 1: ended up losing thirty three kilos. I was back to

931
00:49:00,370 --> 00:49:04,170
Speaker 1: feeling good about myself. I felt stronger. Where I moved to,

932
00:49:04,410 --> 00:49:07,730
Speaker 1: there was just like like it backs onto, like a reserve,

933
00:49:07,970 --> 00:49:09,890
Speaker 1: and it was just all like the nature. And I'd

934
00:49:09,930 --> 00:49:12,290
Speaker 1: just sit out there with my copper cup of tea

935
00:49:12,410 --> 00:49:14,170
Speaker 1: or a cup of coffee, and I just listened to the

936
00:49:14,210 --> 00:49:16,010
Speaker 1: birds and I just be like, look at where I am,

937
00:49:16,090 --> 00:49:19,890
Speaker 1: you know, like it was just such an amazing part

938
00:49:19,930 --> 00:49:22,170
Speaker 1: of my healing journey. It was just part of it.

939
00:49:22,650 --> 00:49:26,970
Speaker 1: And then I just I ended up scoring an amazing job,

940
00:49:27,690 --> 00:49:31,690
Speaker 1: and everything in my life just started just started falling

941
00:49:31,690 --> 00:49:35,490
Speaker 1: into place. And then I met my current partner now

942
00:49:35,530 --> 00:49:39,450
Speaker 1: when he's just everything and more. He shows up for

943
00:49:39,530 --> 00:49:45,690
Speaker 1: me every single day. He's absolutely amazing, and I feel

944
00:49:45,690 --> 00:49:47,730
Speaker 1: stronger for everything that I've been through. I do not

945
00:49:48,130 --> 00:49:50,210
Speaker 1: regret a single thing because it makes me who I

946
00:49:50,250 --> 00:49:53,010
Speaker 1: am today. I'm stronger for it. I feel like I

947
00:49:53,090 --> 00:49:56,490
Speaker 1: had to start from the ground up. I walked into

948
00:49:56,570 --> 00:50:00,290
Speaker 1: that relationship feeling confident. I got beaten down to the ground.

949
00:50:00,570 --> 00:50:03,250
Speaker 1: Every part of me was just destroyed and I had

950
00:50:03,290 --> 00:50:06,130
Speaker 1: to rebuild myself from the ground up, And even though

951
00:50:06,170 --> 00:50:10,010
Speaker 1: it was really hard and painful and horrendous, Like, I

952
00:50:10,010 --> 00:50:12,690
Speaker 1: don't regret a single moment because who I am today

953
00:50:14,050 --> 00:50:18,210
Speaker 1: is so much stronger, and like I have boundaries now,

954
00:50:18,290 --> 00:50:21,130
Speaker 1: I am aware, I am confident in who I am.

955
00:50:21,210 --> 00:50:23,890
Speaker 1: I don't put up with that stuff anymore. I don't

956
00:50:23,890 --> 00:50:26,810
Speaker 1: anything I am, and since then my life has improved

957
00:50:26,850 --> 00:50:29,490
Speaker 1: so much. You know, I only bring in all these

958
00:50:29,530 --> 00:50:32,290
Speaker 1: beautiful people into my life now. I don't have time

959
00:50:32,370 --> 00:50:35,410
Speaker 1: for those energy vampires. I don't have time for anyone

960
00:50:35,450 --> 00:50:38,690
Speaker 1: who is negative or brings me down. I am strong

961
00:50:38,730 --> 00:50:41,650
Speaker 1: in who I am, and I wouldn't be if it

962
00:50:41,690 --> 00:50:45,050
Speaker 1: wasn't for all those times I learned what I need,

963
00:50:45,330 --> 00:50:50,050
Speaker 1: what I need for me, not just out of a relationship,

964
00:50:50,050 --> 00:50:52,770
Speaker 1: but who I am. I think I didn't even know

965
00:50:52,810 --> 00:50:55,930
Speaker 1: who I was properly before all of that. Building yourself

966
00:50:55,930 --> 00:50:58,250
Speaker 1: from the ground up really teaches you a lot about yourself.

967
00:50:58,810 --> 00:51:01,930
Speaker 1: And I'm proud of who I am, and I'm proud

968
00:51:01,930 --> 00:51:06,650
Speaker 1: of how far I've come, and I'm happy. I'm happy

969
00:51:06,690 --> 00:51:10,130
Speaker 1: now and I don't regret anything. The truth is that

970
00:51:10,330 --> 00:51:11,650
Speaker 1: there is that light at the end of the time,

971
00:51:11,730 --> 00:51:15,730
Speaker 1: and it really does come. And I just think that

972
00:51:15,850 --> 00:51:17,930
Speaker 1: you just need to keep going because time doesn't stop

973
00:51:17,930 --> 00:51:20,290
Speaker 1: for anyone. Life doesn't stop, It never stops. It just

974
00:51:20,370 --> 00:51:25,090
Speaker 1: keeps going, and everything always balances out. And no matter

975
00:51:25,130 --> 00:51:29,810
Speaker 1: how hard things feel and how hard things are, life

976
00:51:29,890 --> 00:51:32,090
Speaker 1: really does improve. It really does.

977
00:51:49,730 --> 00:51:52,690
Speaker 2: Everyone has an ex is a Minti Media production and

978
00:51:52,730 --> 00:51:55,610
Speaker 2: proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written

979
00:51:55,650 --> 00:51:59,290
Speaker 2: and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.

980
00:51:59,570 --> 00:52:02,970
Speaker 2: If you like We've Heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe,

981
00:52:03,090 --> 00:52:05,650
Speaker 2: writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can

982
00:52:05,690 --> 00:52:08,530
Speaker 2: also follow us on Instagram and everyone has an X

983
00:52:08,810 --> 00:52:10,650
Speaker 2: and if you have a story you'd like to share,

984
00:52:10,690 --> 00:52:13,650
Speaker 2: you can contact us said everyone has an exit mintimedia

985
00:52:13,730 --> 00:52:17,210
Speaker 2: dot com dot you or submissions at mamamea dot com

986
00:52:17,210 --> 00:52:20,130
Speaker 2: dot you with the word submission in the subject field.