WEBVTT - I'll Stand By You 0:00:10.488 --> 0:00:15.528 You're listening to Amma mea podcast Muma Mer acknowledges the 0:00:15.568 --> 0:00:17.808 traditional owners of the land and waters. 0:00:17.848 --> 0:00:19.608 This podcast is recorded on. 0:00:19.648 --> 0:00:22.968 This episode discusses suicide and won't be for everyone. If 0:00:23.048 --> 0:00:25.207 you or anyone you know need support, there is a 0:00:25.207 --> 0:00:34.608 list of services available in our show notes. There's something 0:00:34.647 --> 0:00:37.848 special about meeting your person later in life. You have 0:00:37.888 --> 0:00:40.568 a stronger sense of who you are, shaped by everything 0:00:40.568 --> 0:00:43.407 you've been through, the highs the lows, and you move 0:00:43.448 --> 0:00:46.287 with a kind of calm confidence that just fits. And 0:00:46.328 --> 0:00:48.488 that was certainly the case for Amy and Matt. 0:00:48.768 --> 0:00:52.607 We'd spend our days going out to the bush to 0:00:52.648 --> 0:00:57.168 catch yabbies, or to cut firewood, or just listen to nature. 0:00:57.968 --> 0:01:03.288 Two dogs, often often lambs, often rescue kangaroos, and we 0:01:03.488 --> 0:01:08.368 just have this little happy life in this forty foot donga. Honestly, 0:01:08.448 --> 0:01:10.288 I thought I have one the lotto. 0:01:11.168 --> 0:01:13.968 But life always has a way of testing us. The 0:01:14.008 --> 0:01:16.048 longer you live it, the more you're asked to carry, 0:01:16.248 --> 0:01:19.008 and over time that weight can take its toll. Even 0:01:19.048 --> 0:01:22.128 with the stronger support around you, some burdens can feel 0:01:22.288 --> 0:01:23.447 just too heavy to hold. 0:01:23.848 --> 0:01:26.408 He was showing away from therapy, but when he met 0:01:26.408 --> 0:01:29.608 this psychologist. He came home and he's like, things are 0:01:29.648 --> 0:01:32.447 on the up. You know, I had no idea that 0:01:32.528 --> 0:01:33.528 this would happen to me. 0:01:33.608 --> 0:01:45.928 Two weeks later, I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone 0:01:46.008 --> 0:01:48.248 has an ex Come with me as we dive into 0:01:48.288 --> 0:01:52.448 a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through the 0:01:52.488 --> 0:01:55.008 eyes and the hearts of the very people who lived them. 0:01:56.088 --> 0:01:59.208 Meet Amy, thirty seven years old and a single mom 0:01:59.248 --> 0:02:02.008 to a beautiful eight year old daughter named Heidi. It 0:02:02.048 --> 0:02:04.368 had always been just the two of them, not for 0:02:04.488 --> 0:02:05.208 lack of trying. 0:02:05.608 --> 0:02:07.808 I'd been dating on Tinder, and I'd had a lot 0:02:07.848 --> 0:02:11.408 of bad dates, and I and up all hope of 0:02:11.528 --> 0:02:17.288 finding someone. My Tinder history was colorful. I have a 0:02:17.288 --> 0:02:20.488 lot of interesting stories from that actually, including but not 0:02:20.608 --> 0:02:23.968 limited to, one guy who confessed that he liked to 0:02:23.968 --> 0:02:28.088 eat crayons over while we were eating dinner and asked 0:02:28.088 --> 0:02:31.488 me if that would be a problem moving forward. I 0:02:31.528 --> 0:02:34.928 think the thing was with my Tinder experiences, I was 0:02:34.968 --> 0:02:39.208 always trying to I didn't really feel good enough, and 0:02:39.248 --> 0:02:43.528 I was always trying to impress the person, Whereas what 0:02:43.608 --> 0:02:46.008 I really needed to realize and spend time on my own, 0:02:46.368 --> 0:02:50.088 was that they needed to impress me. And by this 0:02:50.288 --> 0:02:56.328 point I was thirty seven, so I think everyone around me, 0:02:56.448 --> 0:03:00.208 including me, didn't think I would end up with someone. 0:03:01.088 --> 0:03:04.607 It was always just me and Heidi from day one, 0:03:05.168 --> 0:03:08.248 so from when she was a little baby, and that 0:03:08.528 --> 0:03:13.048 was really what we had all thought would be my future. 0:03:13.968 --> 0:03:16.288 Well, Amy loved being a mum and she and Heidi 0:03:16.368 --> 0:03:18.968 had a beautiful life. She did want to find a partner. 0:03:19.248 --> 0:03:21.248 She had so much love to give and wanted to 0:03:21.288 --> 0:03:23.488 be able to share the beautiful life she had created 0:03:23.648 --> 0:03:24.488 with someone else. 0:03:24.968 --> 0:03:27.288 I was really lonely and I didn't want to be 0:03:28.208 --> 0:03:30.168 on my own. I wanted to share my life with 0:03:30.248 --> 0:03:34.248 someone and I really wanted for in particular HARDI to 0:03:34.448 --> 0:03:39.128 have that father figure. I worked really hard. I worked 0:03:39.688 --> 0:03:42.168 full time from when she was a little baby. I 0:03:42.208 --> 0:03:44.488 really didn't have any time off when she was born, 0:03:44.528 --> 0:03:51.368 and so I really wanted to just have that family unit. 0:03:51.608 --> 0:03:55.208 And although I was scared of it, have some support 0:03:55.808 --> 0:04:00.088 from someone else, which the longer I was dating and 0:04:00.208 --> 0:04:04.208 not meeting someone, I almost got scared of having support 0:04:04.288 --> 0:04:07.968 because I never wanted to lose it. That's when I 0:04:08.128 --> 0:04:14.328 just became at peace with not even looking anymore. And 0:04:14.368 --> 0:04:16.888 that's when the universe said to me, here you go, 0:04:17.087 --> 0:04:17.928 here's your man. 0:04:18.768 --> 0:04:21.527 His name was Matt. He'd swiped right as a g 0:04:21.928 --> 0:04:24.088 and he quickly asked her out on a date. With 0:04:24.168 --> 0:04:26.208 her mindset as it was at the time, she went 0:04:26.248 --> 0:04:28.048 into it knowing it was just going to be another 0:04:28.087 --> 0:04:31.248 meeting that goes nowhere, or so she thought. 0:04:31.648 --> 0:04:36.327 He wasn't the kind of guy that I would usually 0:04:37.248 --> 0:04:41.848 look into. He's a gorgeous guy, but a country boy, 0:04:42.368 --> 0:04:46.767 you know, very ozzy, like a little bit bogan, big 0:04:47.008 --> 0:04:53.008 long orange beard. I didn't really put much effort into 0:04:53.048 --> 0:04:58.368 the date, to be honest. Usually I would have bought 0:04:58.368 --> 0:05:02.608 a new outfit or put lots of makeup on. But 0:05:02.727 --> 0:05:07.087 this particular day, Heidi and I had roller skating class, 0:05:08.087 --> 0:05:12.768 and I dropped Heidy off to her babysitters and went 0:05:12.847 --> 0:05:17.327 straight to the bar where I met Matt. And I 0:05:17.408 --> 0:05:20.848 was even running late when I walked in and I 0:05:20.888 --> 0:05:27.167 saw this man in this baby blue collared shirt. He 0:05:27.207 --> 0:05:31.888 was so tall, and he had the biggest smile on 0:05:32.048 --> 0:05:35.208 his face, and I just thought to myself, oh damn, 0:05:35.888 --> 0:05:39.048 I'm in trouble here. I didn't believe in love at 0:05:39.048 --> 0:05:42.488 first sight, but I knew when I assume I've got goosebumps. 0:05:42.488 --> 0:05:45.568 As soon as I saw this guy, I knew that 0:05:45.768 --> 0:05:49.807 was it. It was actually a very interesting date. I 0:05:49.888 --> 0:05:52.688 went to the bathroom at one point in time and 0:05:53.048 --> 0:05:57.328 I came out and he had struck up a conversation 0:05:57.648 --> 0:06:01.888 with a couple who were there celebrating their fortieth winning anniversary. 0:06:02.808 --> 0:06:07.207 And he'd actually organized a doubles game of pool, and 0:06:07.327 --> 0:06:11.088 I loved that about him, that he could just struck 0:06:11.168 --> 0:06:14.728 up a conversation, you know, so down to earth organized 0:06:14.727 --> 0:06:18.407 this game of Paul and this couple actually had their 0:06:18.448 --> 0:06:22.528 first date forty years ago at that same pub, and 0:06:22.808 --> 0:06:25.087 they asked, how long have you two been together, and 0:06:25.128 --> 0:06:29.047 we said, we've literally just met, and they said, no way, 0:06:29.248 --> 0:06:33.008 you guys are destined to be. From there, we decided 0:06:34.128 --> 0:06:37.448 let's continue on the evening, and what better way than 0:06:37.528 --> 0:06:40.647 to go to the National Park and walk through an 0:06:40.688 --> 0:06:45.327 abandoned railway tunnel. And we were walking towards this abandoned 0:06:45.368 --> 0:06:48.047 railway tunnel and I'm kind of like, all confident, and 0:06:48.087 --> 0:06:51.488 then this kangaroo jumps out in front of me and 0:06:51.528 --> 0:06:54.847 I leapt up into Matt's big arms, and he just 0:06:55.207 --> 0:06:58.688 he just went, it's okay. And I sort of folded. 0:06:58.768 --> 0:07:02.448 At that point in time. I went, Okay, you know, 0:07:02.768 --> 0:07:06.768 like he's got me. He did come back to my place, 0:07:07.248 --> 0:07:10.928 and we always refer to it as the third date 0:07:11.328 --> 0:07:13.248 because it makes us feel better about the fact he 0:07:13.328 --> 0:07:17.687 came home that night. But yeah, we walked into my 0:07:17.928 --> 0:07:20.888 little townhouse and I cracked on and lit the fire, 0:07:21.128 --> 0:07:24.528 and Matt was just standing there looking at me, thinking, 0:07:25.008 --> 0:07:27.008 I've never dated a girl that can roll up her 0:07:27.008 --> 0:07:29.488 sleeves and light a fire. I love like I like 0:07:29.568 --> 0:07:34.448 this girl a lot. And then I decided to put 0:07:34.448 --> 0:07:37.848 some Netflix on and we chose the Ted Bundy movie 0:07:37.928 --> 0:07:41.328 with Zach Efron in it. And when I was telling 0:07:41.408 --> 0:07:45.047 my colleagues at work about what this date like Howard 0:07:45.048 --> 0:07:48.608 had unfolded, they said to me, were you actively trying 0:07:48.648 --> 0:07:51.368 to push this guy away? And I said, absolutely not. 0:07:52.008 --> 0:07:55.648 He's just company was just so awesome, and he was 0:07:55.727 --> 0:07:59.328 just so fun. And it never occurred to me that 0:07:59.408 --> 0:08:01.328 it was super strange what we got. 0:08:01.208 --> 0:08:04.288 Up to that far, but it wasn't strange for them, 0:08:04.408 --> 0:08:06.528 And isn't that the sign you've met your match. It 0:08:06.648 --> 0:08:09.728 was no surprise from that very first or third day. 0:08:10.168 --> 0:08:12.007 They didn't have eyes for anyone else. 0:08:12.568 --> 0:08:16.208 It was definitely a given. He was such a gentleman, 0:08:16.448 --> 0:08:20.408 so he actually asked me and he even said, you know, 0:08:20.448 --> 0:08:25.208 I'd really like to be in an exclusive relationship with you. 0:08:25.288 --> 0:08:29.288 And we just had organized for me, I think, the 0:08:29.328 --> 0:08:34.408 following weekend to go up to the farm, which he 0:08:34.968 --> 0:08:40.328 originally was a bit embarrassed that he lived with his mum. 0:08:40.848 --> 0:08:45.008 They had the family farm since the early eighties, and 0:08:45.288 --> 0:08:49.648 his mom was elderly, and they lived in two different dwellings, 0:08:49.728 --> 0:08:52.328 and he lived in a donga, which for those who 0:08:52.328 --> 0:08:56.688 don't know, is a transportable home. And I didn't find 0:08:56.688 --> 0:08:59.608 that embarrassing at all. I thought, oh, tiny living. I've 0:08:59.608 --> 0:09:03.688 always wanted to do that. But yeah, when I first 0:09:04.568 --> 0:09:10.048 went up to the farm, I thought that I should 0:09:10.088 --> 0:09:12.528 drop a pin to one of my friends just to 0:09:13.288 --> 0:09:15.608 let them know where I was, because seeing all this 0:09:15.728 --> 0:09:21.488 rusty machinery, and I thought, oh, I'm not in Kansas anymore, 0:09:21.648 --> 0:09:23.848 you know, like it was a lot. It was a 0:09:23.928 --> 0:09:26.928 very different environment from what I was used to, you know, 0:09:27.328 --> 0:09:30.128 farm animals everywhere. I thought it was a bit rub 0:09:30.208 --> 0:09:33.808 zombie or Devil's rejax. He'lls have eyes, you know, the 0:09:34.048 --> 0:09:36.808 old banjo diddling ding ding ding ding, Nindy. 0:09:37.128 --> 0:09:39.648 But of course she hadn't needed to worry. As soon 0:09:39.648 --> 0:09:42.088 as she saw Mad in his happy place, it quickly 0:09:42.128 --> 0:09:44.888 became hers too, and that day provided what can be 0:09:44.928 --> 0:09:46.688 a big step in any relationship. 0:09:46.808 --> 0:09:49.528 It was the first time I met his mum, Colleen, 0:09:50.728 --> 0:09:58.008 and she just was the most beautiful, the opposite, just tiny, 0:09:58.088 --> 0:10:02.368 but these big blue eyes and just so engaging. He 0:10:02.488 --> 0:10:05.128 had a daughter named Sally, and she was a year 0:10:05.208 --> 0:10:09.448 younger than Heidi. The first time the girls met was 0:10:10.648 --> 0:10:16.128 hilarious in that both of them were clinging onto each 0:10:16.168 --> 0:10:19.848 of us separately, just sort of looking at each other 0:10:20.048 --> 0:10:24.848 from behind us, And all of a sudden, Heidi said 0:10:24.888 --> 0:10:28.368 to Sally, do you want to follow me? And Sally 0:10:28.448 --> 0:10:31.528 said yeah, all right, and off they went, and they 0:10:32.288 --> 0:10:37.368 became thick as thieves from there, and things moved very quickly. 0:10:38.528 --> 0:10:43.368 So I was commuting with Heidi from where we lived 0:10:43.368 --> 0:10:46.008 near the city out to the property, and it was 0:10:46.048 --> 0:10:48.048 a lot of driving, and we just wanted to be 0:10:48.088 --> 0:10:50.928 in each other's lives all the time. And I think 0:10:50.928 --> 0:10:52.728 when you get to that age, if you know, you know, 0:10:53.448 --> 0:10:58.888 it felt so natural. And when Colin and Matt asked 0:10:58.968 --> 0:11:02.008 us to move in. We just did. We moved in 0:11:02.808 --> 0:11:07.608 and that was I think after about six or seven months. 0:11:09.208 --> 0:11:13.528 So I moved in to this donga with Matt and 0:11:13.568 --> 0:11:19.848 sometimes Sally and eventually two dogs, often often lambs, often 0:11:20.368 --> 0:11:23.688 rescue kangaroos. And we just had this little happy life 0:11:23.688 --> 0:11:28.768 in this forty foot donger. And yeah, it just really 0:11:29.088 --> 0:11:34.008 was so natural. Basically we'd spend our days going out 0:11:34.088 --> 0:11:37.727 to the bush to catch yabbies or to cut firewood 0:11:37.928 --> 0:11:41.408 or just listen to nature. We did a lot of camping, 0:11:41.688 --> 0:11:44.128 a lot of fo wool driving. We just let a 0:11:44.168 --> 0:11:46.968 simple life, climbing trees. You know. We all had a 0:11:47.008 --> 0:11:49.648 horse and so we'd ride the horses as a family. 0:11:50.688 --> 0:11:53.528 Very quickly. I was right in the thick of it, 0:11:53.728 --> 0:11:57.728 nutting sheep with Matt or helping deliver a lamb. We 0:11:57.768 --> 0:12:00.487 would talk about the future. We wanted to own a 0:12:00.568 --> 0:12:05.288 thousand acres one day, continue looking after his mum. I 0:12:05.528 --> 0:12:10.288 just loved how safe he made me feel. I've also 0:12:10.368 --> 0:12:14.568 loved the fact he looked after his mum. The other 0:12:14.608 --> 0:12:17.248 thing I liked about him is he was so popular 0:12:18.448 --> 0:12:24.328 and he had so many friends. And where we live, 0:12:25.128 --> 0:12:28.248 they have a brotherhood they call it. But it's a 0:12:28.248 --> 0:12:32.048 group of male friends. They call each other the brothers, 0:12:32.288 --> 0:12:35.648 and we would have a lot of social things with them, 0:12:35.768 --> 0:12:41.448 just at each other's properties, so bonfires, drinks, and when 0:12:41.488 --> 0:12:44.088 he entered the room, the party, the party was on, 0:12:45.048 --> 0:12:49.448 and he would just do silly things, like one time 0:12:49.608 --> 0:12:52.128 he just went off to the back of his patrol 0:12:52.168 --> 0:12:54.408 and grabbed out a man keeni and put that on. 0:12:54.528 --> 0:12:57.368 And he loved his body, and he had no shame 0:12:57.608 --> 0:13:02.368 about his body whatsoever. He was just so happy, very 0:13:02.608 --> 0:13:06.528 much a contrast from where I had been in my life, 0:13:06.568 --> 0:13:10.168 where I was always wanting to be loved like this 0:13:10.408 --> 0:13:14.368 was a proper I always said that my grandfather, who'd 0:13:14.408 --> 0:13:17.528 passed away in twenty seventeen, I always said that my 0:13:17.608 --> 0:13:21.367 grandfather sent Matt to me as a gift, probably a 0:13:21.448 --> 0:13:25.128 year into our relationship. He had been working for twenty 0:13:25.208 --> 0:13:29.288 five years at the same workshop. He was a steel fabricator, 0:13:29.528 --> 0:13:35.128 and he wasn't happy. And he in particular the on 0:13:35.368 --> 0:13:39.648 site work where he'd have to interface with an architect, 0:13:39.648 --> 0:13:43.248 say to build some stairs that his boss should actually 0:13:43.288 --> 0:13:46.288 be doing that interaction. He found it very stressful. So 0:13:46.328 --> 0:13:50.048 we made the decision that my income could support our 0:13:50.088 --> 0:13:52.328 simple life and that he would be a stay at 0:13:52.328 --> 0:13:57.168 home dad. So he actually stopped working at that point 0:13:57.248 --> 0:14:03.288 and looked after Heidi. I wanted him to just explore 0:14:03.368 --> 0:14:06.768 what made him feel happy and have that time to 0:14:07.168 --> 0:14:09.728 be around the farm, because he was always so busy 0:14:10.808 --> 0:14:13.688 leaving the house at seeks and getting back at seks 0:14:13.768 --> 0:14:17.408 and sometimes he would drive to Sally's mom's house to 0:14:18.088 --> 0:14:20.688 say good night to Sally and put her to bed. 0:14:21.088 --> 0:14:23.568 But he was just such a good dad, and I 0:14:23.648 --> 0:14:26.968 really wanted him to just take a beat. He would 0:14:27.008 --> 0:14:31.208 make Heidi's breakfast in the morning, and he would be 0:14:31.288 --> 0:14:34.368 the one going on the school camp. He was the 0:14:34.488 --> 0:14:36.448 silly dad that would be at the sports kind of 0:14:36.448 --> 0:14:39.008 wearing a tutu and that kind of stuff. He just 0:14:39.128 --> 0:14:43.648 really slipped into it, and I loved that, and Heardy 0:14:43.928 --> 0:14:48.208 just adored him, and Sally adored him, and the girls 0:14:48.248 --> 0:14:51.568 were always hanging off him, like hanging around his neck, 0:14:51.648 --> 0:14:55.688 literally like monkey's hanging off him. She called him Mattou, 0:14:56.368 --> 0:14:59.608 my Mattou, and she just loved him. I would say 0:14:59.608 --> 0:15:02.728 it took a couple of months for her to adjust 0:15:03.768 --> 0:15:06.008 because she'd always it had always just been me and her, 0:15:06.888 --> 0:15:10.968 but she she just absolutely loved him, and she loved 0:15:11.008 --> 0:15:15.888 having a sister. And I think that it didn't take 0:15:15.928 --> 0:15:19.768 long for them to and I was hesitant to introduce 0:15:20.248 --> 0:15:24.488 them to each other too soon, but again, it just 0:15:24.808 --> 0:15:28.248 it just felt so right. And probably a couple of 0:15:28.968 --> 0:15:32.328 months or no, probably a couple of weeks after I 0:15:32.408 --> 0:15:40.208 met him, so I always wanted to have maybe another child, 0:15:40.288 --> 0:15:44.728 So Sally was my bonus daughter. I very much always 0:15:45.008 --> 0:15:48.888 have viewed her as that, having this bonus daughter in 0:15:48.928 --> 0:15:52.368 my life who I just adored, and I adored watching 0:15:52.608 --> 0:15:57.528 Matt with Sally, it's just everything. Honestly, I thought I 0:15:57.568 --> 0:15:59.648 have won the lotto. That's how I felt. 0:15:59.968 --> 0:16:02.328 There's no prizes for guessing what came next. 0:16:02.648 --> 0:16:06.928 Every year we have a massive bonfire at our farm. 0:16:07.008 --> 0:16:10.688 We spend a whole year building it. It's usually around 0:16:10.688 --> 0:16:14.768 August or September. And so this particular year, which was 0:16:15.928 --> 0:16:19.168 twenty twenty, so we were coming out of COVID lockdowns, etc. 0:16:19.968 --> 0:16:23.728 It's probably the first big gathering that we'd had. Matt 0:16:23.728 --> 0:16:28.568 went and asked my parents if he could marry me, 0:16:28.688 --> 0:16:32.168 and they said yes. My mum and dad loved him. 0:16:32.648 --> 0:16:36.728 And then the next morning we were all hungover Dusty 0:16:37.528 --> 0:16:40.328 and he just rolled over in bed and he said, hey, babe, 0:16:40.768 --> 0:16:44.848 do you want to get married? And I said absolutely, 0:16:45.288 --> 0:16:50.328 And then we started planning this amazing wedding which we 0:16:50.448 --> 0:16:53.128 had on the property. It was always a dream of 0:16:53.768 --> 0:16:57.488 Matt's family to have a wedding at the farm. So 0:16:57.528 --> 0:17:00.848 it was one year after we got engaged, pretty much 0:17:00.888 --> 0:17:05.568 to the day that we had the wedding, and we 0:17:05.608 --> 0:17:09.247 had this big sea through Marquee under the stars. We 0:17:09.288 --> 0:17:13.848 got married under two gum trees. We had the best 0:17:13.968 --> 0:17:18.288 night and we had our wedding dance to the Pretender's 0:17:18.328 --> 0:17:22.808 song I'll Stand by You, and the lyrics to that 0:17:22.968 --> 0:17:28.007 song became so important in what was to follow in 0:17:28.048 --> 0:17:32.648 our love story. Very shortly thereafter, because Matt's mum got 0:17:32.768 --> 0:17:37.008 very sick. It took a while for us to work 0:17:37.048 --> 0:17:41.408 out what was wrong, but she was diagnosed with scleroderma, 0:17:41.448 --> 0:17:46.768 which is an autoimmune disease and it basically builds up 0:17:46.808 --> 0:17:52.568 collagen around your body and affects your immune system. She 0:17:52.728 --> 0:17:56.247 was in and out of hospital and it was a 0:17:56.408 --> 0:18:00.288 very stressful time and Matt and I really came together 0:18:00.408 --> 0:18:03.328 as a team. She spent a lot of time in 0:18:03.368 --> 0:18:10.048 bed and we thought maybe she was depressed, or because 0:18:10.088 --> 0:18:13.888 she was so active before, she was always feeding chooks 0:18:13.928 --> 0:18:18.128 and doing gardening and just always at parties. She would 0:18:18.128 --> 0:18:20.207 be at parties to the early hours of the morning. 0:18:21.688 --> 0:18:23.648 But all of that stop. She didn't want to come 0:18:23.688 --> 0:18:30.968 out anymore. And then Matt's half brother, so Colleen's son, David, 0:18:32.008 --> 0:18:36.128 He had a tough life and had druggen alcohol issues 0:18:36.328 --> 0:18:39.848 and he died at the age of about fifty three. 0:18:40.928 --> 0:18:47.008 So that was obviously a really hard time, but little 0:18:47.008 --> 0:18:52.048 did we know what was to follow there. About six 0:18:52.088 --> 0:18:55.928 weeks later, I came home early from work one day 0:18:56.208 --> 0:19:00.048 and Matt had been out during the day cutting firewood 0:19:00.128 --> 0:19:03.768 because he was due to have his tonsils out that week. 0:19:04.048 --> 0:19:08.407 We would never usually leave Colleen at home alone, just 0:19:08.448 --> 0:19:11.728 because in case she or you know, one of us 0:19:11.888 --> 0:19:15.808 was always there. And I got home from work and 0:19:15.848 --> 0:19:19.967 Matt said to me, Ugh, the old chook, that's what 0:19:20.008 --> 0:19:21.888 he called her. The old chook has let the fire 0:19:21.928 --> 0:19:26.768 go out in the house. And I said, Babe, when's 0:19:26.808 --> 0:19:29.608 the last time you have checked on her today? And 0:19:29.648 --> 0:19:31.968 he said, I better go down and do that now. 0:19:33.048 --> 0:19:36.407 And I said, I'm right behind you. And I was 0:19:36.488 --> 0:19:38.928 just putting my farm clothes on, and I was two 0:19:38.968 --> 0:19:43.167 paces behind him, and we came down to the house 0:19:43.248 --> 0:19:47.728 and she was actively dying, and Matt just screamed out 0:19:47.768 --> 0:19:49.808 to me, called ambulance. 0:19:50.848 --> 0:19:52.088 And so. 0:19:53.608 --> 0:19:55.728 I tell you what, if there was ever someone you 0:19:55.808 --> 0:19:59.128 wanted in your corner and a crisis, like a real crisis, 0:20:00.448 --> 0:20:04.088 that was an absolute machine. He just scooped his mom 0:20:04.208 --> 0:20:06.808 up out of bed, put her on the floor, and 0:20:06.848 --> 0:20:10.128 we just went out at CPR for about f forty 0:20:10.168 --> 0:20:15.328 five minutes. We had to keep going till the ambulance arrived, 0:20:15.808 --> 0:20:21.488 and that took a really long time. And when she 0:20:21.768 --> 0:20:29.447 was pronounced dead, Matt was in the fetal position and 0:20:29.688 --> 0:20:36.927 he let out his primal screen and it was just 0:20:37.608 --> 0:20:42.968 the most horrible thing. You see, his heart broke when 0:20:42.968 --> 0:20:46.568 he lost his mom. What I saw in that moment 0:20:46.808 --> 0:20:49.048 was like a five year old boy. That's what I 0:20:49.168 --> 0:20:52.848 was looking at, a little boy who lost his mom 0:20:52.888 --> 0:20:58.208 following the death of his brother and then losing his mom. 0:20:58.768 --> 0:21:03.528 He'd lost his dad in twenty eleven, and it was 0:21:03.568 --> 0:21:06.808 a really hard time and we'd only just really been married. 0:21:07.768 --> 0:21:11.808 We didn't know why she died, and we couldn't really 0:21:11.848 --> 0:21:17.488 get any straight answers and we eventually got the coroner's 0:21:17.608 --> 0:21:24.928 report and it revealed that she had overdosed. So we felt. 0:21:24.608 --> 0:21:29.568 Bad that we had intervened in the way we had, 0:21:30.288 --> 0:21:30.528 but we. 0:21:31.168 --> 0:21:38.808 Had to obviously, but she was ready to go. The house, 0:21:39.168 --> 0:21:43.528 the farm, the property itself felt so scary, just heavy 0:21:43.728 --> 0:21:48.648 and dark after she passed away. And the one thing 0:21:48.728 --> 0:21:53.608 I will say is the community, the brotherhood, their wives, 0:21:53.808 --> 0:21:58.687 everyone just wept in and a good friend of mine 0:21:59.728 --> 0:22:02.768 pulled all the curtains down, pulled all of the bedding off. 0:22:02.808 --> 0:22:06.808 Anything that could be washed got washed, got cleansed. But 0:22:06.928 --> 0:22:12.328 there was a real heaviness over the property, which really 0:22:12.368 --> 0:22:20.088 sort of set the tone moving forward. So we had 0:22:20.128 --> 0:22:23.288 to launch straight into and obviously we didn't know why 0:22:23.368 --> 0:22:26.447 she died, and so we were trying to figure that 0:22:26.648 --> 0:22:32.648 out and navigating her estate. And sadly, Matt has another brother, 0:22:32.768 --> 0:22:38.687 but their relationship dissolved with the finalizing of the estate, 0:22:39.608 --> 0:22:44.808 so he also lost his brother during that process, which 0:22:45.048 --> 0:22:51.128 was just tragic. So how did we cope. We winged it. 0:22:51.368 --> 0:22:55.328 We just had to muck in and get the job done. 0:22:55.528 --> 0:23:00.288 And I did a lot of work helping Matt to 0:23:00.368 --> 0:23:08.088 regulate his emotions because he really even just every day inconveniences. 0:23:08.328 --> 0:23:12.407 If two of them happened once, he would get really frustrated, 0:23:13.208 --> 0:23:16.128 and so I spent a lot of time trying to 0:23:16.168 --> 0:23:19.128 help him regulate and calm him down. And he would 0:23:19.128 --> 0:23:22.208 always be so gracious afterwards and say, oh, baby, help 0:23:22.288 --> 0:23:25.167 me so much, thank you, And he would just the 0:23:25.208 --> 0:23:28.368 big smile would come back, and we'd head out into 0:23:28.448 --> 0:23:32.167 the paddic or we'd hit with poor a drink, but 0:23:32.408 --> 0:23:34.247 we just mucked on, you know. 0:23:34.368 --> 0:23:34.808 We just. 0:23:36.288 --> 0:23:38.528 One foot in front of the other was our mantra. 0:23:39.328 --> 0:23:43.648 We had a really difficult time. He lost his horse's 0:23:43.688 --> 0:23:48.568 best friend passed away. In this He was very strong, 0:23:48.648 --> 0:23:52.768 but when he would get upset and he would really cry. 0:23:53.368 --> 0:23:58.207 Seeing such a big, happy guy just cry, it was 0:23:58.248 --> 0:24:05.728 really hard. It was just awful. And we were looking 0:24:05.808 --> 0:24:10.648 forward to bigger and brighter pastures every year years. We'd say, 0:24:11.208 --> 0:24:13.407 twenty twenty three is going to be our year, babe. 0:24:13.408 --> 0:24:15.568 What twenty twenty four is going to be our year? 0:24:17.688 --> 0:24:20.848 They promised each other, for better or for worse. What 0:24:20.928 --> 0:24:23.608 they hadn't realized when they made those vows was just 0:24:23.728 --> 0:24:26.248 how soon they would also feel the true gravity of 0:24:26.288 --> 0:24:29.528 their wedding song. Even in your darkest hour, I will 0:24:29.568 --> 0:24:33.128 never desert you. I'll stand by you. Then, less than 0:24:33.128 --> 0:24:36.608 two years after Colin's death, something happened to Amy through 0:24:36.648 --> 0:24:38.648 which she would need Matt to stand by her. 0:24:39.488 --> 0:24:43.687 I felt really sick. I got sepsis and I was 0:24:43.728 --> 0:24:48.407 being told I was fine, and I ended up within 0:24:49.888 --> 0:24:55.008 a day from going into septic shock. I had multiple 0:24:55.048 --> 0:25:00.207 major surgeries over the space of eighteen months. Matt was 0:25:02.128 --> 0:25:08.247 so angry that this could be happening to me and 0:25:08.288 --> 0:25:11.328 that he didn't know how to fix it. Nobody was 0:25:11.368 --> 0:25:15.247 listening to me, and he kept taking me to the 0:25:15.288 --> 0:25:20.048 city to demand them to look at me and do 0:25:20.168 --> 0:25:23.048 some tests and find figure out what was wrong. And 0:25:24.248 --> 0:25:28.528 I just really got gas lit. And he felt that 0:25:29.088 --> 0:25:32.848 he just felt injustice over it. In and out of 0:25:32.888 --> 0:25:39.328 hospital because we weren't getting answers and major surgeries that 0:25:39.488 --> 0:25:43.207 led to complications. I was in a wheelchair for a 0:25:43.248 --> 0:25:48.687 period of time, and I really just lost that that spuck. 0:25:49.408 --> 0:25:53.128 He couldn't come into the hospital. He was too angry, 0:25:53.248 --> 0:25:57.207 and so I had made it clear that, you know, 0:25:57.288 --> 0:26:00.328 my expectations were that he would hold down the ford 0:26:00.368 --> 0:26:04.288 at home, and he was struggling to do that at 0:26:04.288 --> 0:26:10.728 that point. His ability to cope with daily inconveniences really 0:26:10.768 --> 0:26:14.888 impacted the way the house was being able to run. 0:26:15.608 --> 0:26:18.088 It made me worry for Heidi because she would call 0:26:18.128 --> 0:26:22.727 me in hospital and say, Mamma, Matt is not happy tonight. 0:26:23.848 --> 0:26:28.888 And it made me frustrated because I was the one 0:26:28.928 --> 0:26:33.848 that was sick, but I was still satellite parenting the situation. 0:26:34.208 --> 0:26:40.248 So I felt like, in a way I needed something 0:26:40.328 --> 0:26:43.368 from him that he wasn't able to provide me with, 0:26:43.728 --> 0:26:49.727 which was, I guess, really difficult on top of the pane, 0:26:50.048 --> 0:26:54.608 and psychologically I was not in a good place. I 0:26:54.808 --> 0:26:59.968 was really struggling to, I guess, connect with where. 0:26:59.728 --> 0:27:00.768 Matt was at. 0:27:01.088 --> 0:27:05.967 I started building up a resent there that you know, 0:27:06.248 --> 0:27:10.967 even as much as I was communicating those things, it 0:27:11.008 --> 0:27:15.288